#never in my life have i watched a tv show where the musical score was so RECOGNIZABLE and PRESENT

[televinita]

Murray Gold music certified Iconic.

#never in my life have i watched a tv show where the musical score was so RECOGNIZABLE and PRESENT #(I can't actually say for sure if this is how it always was or because I got real obsessed with the series soundtracks #but I literally cannot watch episodes of Doctor Without being like THAT'S MY THEME!! and/or just going full orchestra conductor) #...oh my god how did i never realize that this was the one shining part of post-RTD Who that could not be ruined #OUTTA MY WAY GOTTA CONSUME LIKE SIX YEARS OF NEW SCORES #send me your highlights plz!

[buckets-and-trees]

Exactly Like You

Not a fic, but an IMAGINE? It's borderline a fic.

Fandom: The 355-adjacent Characters/Pairings: Nick Fowler x female!Reader Word Count: 1k  Summary: This trip was for YOU.

Content Warnings: non-descriptive brief smut, stockholm syndrome

Additional Notes: This is what happened when I got carried away playing the Once Upon a Spooky Time sleepover game for the Bucks & Noble Book Club launch week... This is not my typical writing style, but this is actually how a lot of my plot notes go for when I do write fic. The game was to imagine yourself in a spooky film or tv show. Not edited. SCENE SETTING: Imagine this is a film. We're going to go single film, psychological thriller, director TBD, but let's make it an A24 flick. Michael Giacchino is scoring the soundtrack, because he's masterful creating exactly the vibes with the music to create the optimal viewing experience (from big to tiny background) AND shows up with clever track names.

You are a very competent, normal, hard-working, single millennial female who has focused on building up a good career finally gets a nice career-worthy promotion. It's nothing crazy, but it's noteworthy. Now that you have worked a few months on the position, with a bit of that salary increase that came with it, you decide to and are encouraged/supported in taking a three-week vacation during the brief slow time for just a beat before the company's busy season starts to build up again. You always wanted to write, and so you’re going to a cabin in the forest - close enough to some civilization but far enough that she can be secluded and revel in being alone, about a 30-minute drive from a tiny town, any other cabins aren't close together, etc. It’s a few hours from where you live. Aside from liking the location and the look of the place when you were scoping it out online, the thing that sealed the deal on THIS cabin over the others you were looking at? This extended stay Airbnb is a listing that can be booked automatically and SELF-CHECK IN so you don’t have to awkwardly meet up with the host/owner at any point. You *can* be outgoing, you have good family and friends, but you also like your alone time, and so when you also tell everyone you’re going to go and disconnect from everyone and not to expect to hear from you, they don't bat an eyelash too much. It’s not your first solo trip, just the first extended one.

You show up, the area is gorgeous, and the cabin is not ostentatious by any means, but it's a little bit bigger and a little bit better than you were expecting, and it feels a little too perfect and you jokingly text some people back home that this place has settled it, you’re officially going to embrace the semi-hermit author life living in a cabin in the woods, and you’re never coming back ha ha wink wink.

First days are so nice. You do a bit of writing, surf a bit of internet, watch some movies and shows that have been on your list, do some reeding, really just unwind with no obligations for the first time in a long time. Internet goes out, you message the owner through the Airbnb app on your phone, and the owner says he's on a work trip, but will either try to get someone out to fix it or come by when he's back in town and fix it himself in a couple of days. He apologizes for it being an inconvenience, you reassure him it's fine because you wanted to be disconnected from normal life in general any way, no big deal for a couple days sans wifi.

No one from the company could get out to fix the wifi, so he shows up himself two days later. He's also shown up with some lunch as a peace offering - but no pressure, he'll just leave the food if she doesn't want to have lunch with him, and he'll definitely fix the internet first. He's far too attractive and very down to earth but just a little too charming, and you’re a bit disarmed and thinking this is way too romance-novel perfect, and that even having that thought is silly, but you’ve just been reveling in books/movies/tv/your own writing so you just tells your brain to calm down.  He goes about "fixing" things. Wifi's not working on your laptop still, so he asks to see it to "fix" it. You are checking and see it’s not working on your phone yet, either. He asks you to hand it over, and you do because he clearly seems to be competent and know how to fix the system. He says it might take another few minutes, but shoots you a smile and apologizes again for the troubles with the wifi. And his gaze on you is so nice but so intense, and you make an excuse to go unpack the lunch instead of hover/so you can get out of there and breate for a second.

When lunch is ready, so is he. Lunch is charming and normal, feels too nice. You clean up together, you thanks him for coming by to fix the wifi, he casually says he fixed it for him, but not you, and you’re like, “Wait what?” and he explains he’s not leaving, either. And neither are you. If he’s not actually Nick Fowler, he is Seb playing another Nick Fowler character – money, well connected, government background/worked with too many criminals and turning too many assets, and so he's set up this little “trap” waiting for exactly the right person, and it’s you.

Plenty people have come and gone, he’s been watching and waiting. This is it, though. He’s picked, he’s sure of it. He’s never giving the phone or the laptop back, but he’s sure you will love this, too. There’s a typewriter for you to write, and as he’s saying all of this, he’s been closing in closer and closer to you, and he’s been charming and intoxicating this entire time, but now that he’s turned on his hunter mode, you’re quickly falling under, and he presses you up against the counter, cutting off your feeble protests and questions and excuses with the feel of him pinning you with his hips and then kissing you. He fucks you on the counter, and it’s too much to process because this isn’t what you want – except that most of it would be if you’d been able to write it your way instead of being caught in his game – and oh what he’s doing to your body feels too good. And he moves things to the couch, then to the bedroom, and keeps you fucked out and worn out all day, and over the days and weeks gets you so insanely drowned in Stockholm syndrome and the sex…

And he’s soft, but also dark, demanding, doting, dangerous… he’s all of it. TBD if you survive. If you’re a good girl for him, there’s nothing to worry about.

#nick fowler x reader #nick fowler imagine #nick fowler x female reader #nick fowler x you #nick fowler x y/n #nick fowler x yn #aspen wrote something #female reader

[foreos]

the bad kids rated by how much they would like sonic the hedgehog

a sequel to my hatchetfield version

- riz gukgak: 1/10 i don’t think riz even touches video games. i can’t imagine riz having any strong media interests because his life is so busy all the time so i doubt he would think about sonic the hedgehog at all. if he ever played a sonic game though i think he’d be like unnaturally good at it because he’s got great reaction times and it’s not hard for him to intuit what the best routes are. he’d probably only play in like a social situation though.

- kristen applebees: 10/10 kristen grew up playing sonic games with her brothers and she likes them. sonic is very very good for adhd brains and i think she likes running around really really fast. fucking AWFUL at the games though she has a dexterity score of four. she has never passed a quicktime prompt in her life but that does not stop her from booting up the games and playing the first three or so levels. doesn’t really engage with the media past the games but that’s just because if she had a comic book she’d lose it and while she watched some of the cartoons as a kid, it’s been a long time. probably hasn’t played in years.

- adaine abernant: 10/10 she did not know what sonic was until freshman year and at first she did not see the appeal. she’s never been allowed plain and stupid fun in her entire life and when confronted with it she’s just like…why? but i think as time passes i could actually see adaine really fucking enjoying it if she decided to suspend her disbelief and embrace it. i think in another timeline adaine is much geekier but much like the other bad kids she currently does not have time for that. there’s an alternate universe where adaine is a comic book nerd with sonic opinions but i don’t think any of us are ready for that. there’s probably other franchises she would possibly like better but i think she could get really into it.

- gorgug thistlespring: 0/10 video games frustrate him. his fingers are too big for the buttons and sonic moves way too fast. like kristen he cannot get past the first few levels and so he and sonic don’t really see eye to eye. he wouldn’t say he hates the guy or has anything against the franchise but he would probably rather do, like, anything else.

- fig faeth: 10000/10 i think fig would like it. while it does not match her aesthetic i think she definitely grew up with sonic games as a kid and is pretty good at them. definitely had to beat video game levels for gilear growing up. as i said earlier with kristen, sonic is very good for adhd brain and i think she likes to build as much speed as she can, plus sonic music is fucking dope and i think fig is a fan of stupid fun. sometimes fig finds herself wishing that he would go even faster, though.

- fabian seacaster: -100000/10 he’s scared of rodents and obsessed with being cool fabian does not like sonic. yes, i know sonic is not a rodent but like. fabian does not care that is a walking talking blue rat with one weird eyeball that has two pupils and he is wearing NO clothes. plus, sonic is considered deeply lame by the general public, especially high schoolers, so fabian would not be caught dead in even the same room where sonic-related activities are occurring. fabian goes out of his way to avoid any and all sonic media, which is a shame because as a kid bill seacaster impulsively bought Every Video Game so there’s probably a completed sonic collection somewhere in fabian’s house. like i think fabian owns sonic chronicles and tails’s sky patrol and sonic labyrinth and he has no idea. in another life fabian is a shadow fan.

BONUS:

- ragh barkrock: 1/10, like gorgug and riz he’s just not really a video game guy.

- ayda aguefort: 1000000000/10 she would fucking love it. she would love it so so so much. much like adaine i think ayda would be extremely geeky in another, less stressful life and i think if fig introduced her to it she would be all fucking in. comics tv shows video games, all of it. i think ayda would eat that shit up.

- cassandra: 10/10 blaze reminds her of kalina and she thinks it’s fun and i am desperate for cassandra to have fun.

- aelwyn: 0/10 absolutely not. she agrees with fabian that sonic is creepy and should wear clothes. she tries not to think about it, ever.

#fantasy high #dimension 20 #dropout #riz gukgak #gorgug thistlespring #kristen applebees #adaine abernant #fig faeth #fabian seacaster

[nitrateglow]

Scattered thoughts on Oppenheimer (2023)

First, Cillian Murphy is INSANELY good as the titular character. There's a Shakespearean ambiance to the way he plays the part: he's arrogant and flawed, but also conflicted about his role in the creation of a weapon that might destroy the world. Every single moment felt so genuine.

That's not to say the rest of the cast was lacking. With the exception of a weirdly hammy Gary Oldman as President Truman, everyone was fantastic, with RDJ as the standout. My only disappointment is that Florence Pugh and Emily Blunt didn't get much to do. Their relationships with Oppenheimer aren't quite as developed as I would have liked. They're both good with what screentime they have at least, particularly Blunt.

The visuals are spectacular-- not just the explosive stuff but also the way Christopher Nolan uses shallow focus during some of the more psychologically intense scenes. I'm thinking of the scene where Oppenheimer tries giving a speech after the bombs are dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki: it's like he's trying to rouse his patriotism, but the horror of what's been unleashed prevents him from sharing in the communal joy around him.

However, there were a few things I didn't like. First, the score. It was fine in and of itself, but I hated how relentless it was. A lot of the scenes involve people talking and the score just pounds away beneath all of it, even when the scene itself is lowkey. Nolan almost NEVER lets the scene just play out without the music. It drove me nuts.

Red Letter Media's review of Oppenheimer discussed that too, and they made a little parody trailer of 12 Angry Men with that annoying ass music under it just to show how out of place it is:

Second, while I was glad the movie never dragged, it also felt like all the action was playing in fast-forward-- like I was watching a clip show from the middle of a long-running TV show. The movie never takes time to breathe.

Also, if you aren't intimate with the history being portrayed, the action can be a little tough to follow. I read the basics on Oppenheimer's life yesterday and I think if I hadn't, I would have been confused at points.

Overall, this is a pretty good biopic, well-acted and beautifully shot. I'm sure it will snag some Oscars. However, I did think it fell short of being a great movie and tbh that might be the result of the pre-release hype for me.

7.5/10

#thoughts #i feel like a party pooper #i know tons of people loved barbenheimer as a whole #i was more muted on both

[unproduciblesmackdown]

via the summer stock show program again:

WRITER'S NOTES by Cheri Steinkellner | Book & Additional Lyrics

How do you begin to adapt a film like Summer Stock into a stage musical?

Close my eyes and remember what I loved about it when I was a little girl, watching it with my cousin Cathy on the Million Dollar Movie every night for a week and twice on the weekend so we could reenact it beat-for-beat at Sunday family dinner. Key memories include: Singing on a tractor, dancing on a newspaper, and a pink painted sky.

Open my eyes, dig out my Judy Garland boxed-set and watch the DVD.

Close my eyes and re-watch the story on an imagined stage, with a diverse cast, contemporary social values, and a fresh storyline to match.

Open my eyes and write that. Then rewrite it. Then re-re-write, until I hit my deadline and can re-re-re-rewrite no more.

About that deadline: I first got the call in October. They needed a designer draft by January, a workshop draft by March, and a rehearsal draft by June for a July opening. That's fast, even for me, and I started my career in TV where you write and produce a new episode every week. But Summer Stock is all about putting on a show in a barn—so we roll up our sleeves, get up early, stay up late, and get the work—and the play—done!

What has changed from the original and what are the challenges of updating a 1950 film for a modern audience? That feel-good feeling of the original movie is still intact, but story, songs, and characters have all changed to be here now.

STORY: When I first signed on, I was given one mandate: No tractor. Heavy farm machinery wouldn't fit on the Goodspeed stage, so there went the film's whole buy-a-tractor/wreck-a-tractor/fix-a-tractor plotline. This opened up space to answer some of my more burning questions:

Why is Falbury farm at risk?

Why can't Joe get his show to Broadway?

How does a farmgirl like Jane suddenly morph into a triple-threat superstar?

And why is she wearing nothing but a tux jacket and fedora in that pink-sky finale?

As I wrote, more questions popped up: What do you do with a wanna-be actress who doesn't wanna rehearse? Why is a Shakespearean matinee idol starring in a musical in a barn? And what happens when you make show-people wake up at sunrise to muck out the stalls? All of these questions are asked—and I hope answered—in song and dance.

SONGS: The film features nine songs. Most contemporary stage musicals have twenty or more. So building out the score was a task. Some of the film's original songs like "Howdy Neighbor" and "Dig for Your Dinner" are repositioned and repurposed to tell our story. "You Wonderful You" and "Get Happy" have gained back-stories. To fill out the rest of the score, I turned to the Public Domain, where old favorites like "The Best Things in Life are Free," "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows," "Some of These Days," "It Had to Be You," and more, could be tailored to sing in our character's voices. Production numbers like "Paper Moon," "Everybody Step," and "June Night" are newly built on tunes that are nearly a century old, but with Doug Besterman's jazzy, brassy, Woody Herman-inspired arrangements, and Donna Feore's dynamic direction and thrilling choreography, they sing and dance like never before.

CHARACTERS: Looking at 1950s characters through a contemporary lens meant making crucial changes, not only in motivation—but in the people we want to see onstage. One challenge was crafting a story to support a diverse cast of characters with intention, authenticity, and care. I found my way in through the U.S. miltary. Special Services began in WWII and was one of the few army units to be racially integrated. I could imagine an ace director/choreographer like Joe Ross working with a gifted writer like Phil Filmore, pulling together a talented troupe of marginalized soldiers, and putting on a show for the troops. But what happens after the war, when they come home and their show can't get a break on Broadway? Hit musicals in 1950—Brigadoon, Guys and Dolls, Call Me Madam—were distinctly homogenous—i.e., white. Historically, it would be nearly a decade before a Black director would helm a Broadway play (Lloyd Richards, A Raisin in the Sun). So now we know what Joe and Phil are up against, and why they need this barn in Connecticut to put on their show. The Falbury family—Jane, Gloria, and Pop—need this show—and these show people—just as much to save their beloved farm from being acquired by a rich and powerful land owner bent on creating her own family legacy. I won't give away how song-and-dance save the day—but in the end, everyone does Get Happy.

What has been your favorite part of writing this musical and what are you most excited about seeing come to life on stage? If I could spend the rest of my writing life putting old songs into new musicals, I'd be one happy writer. Summer Stock is the second musical I've crafted "with" legendary composers like Irving Berlin, Harold Arlen, and Shelton Brooks (the first was Hello! My Baby, Goodspeed 2011). Bringing in these songs my mom taught me and her mom taught her, so my kids and theirs can sing them again, is my dream job—and I can't wait to see this dream cast hit the notes, find the laughs, and take flight like I can't even begin to dream.

#summer stock #loving the re-re-rewriting language here as that is very much given to phil in the show #he deserves that fond depiction of a show's writer via the show's writer lol

[seekingthestars]

tagged by @koalammas!! thank youuu 💞

buckle up ladies and gents time for some rambles okay go

1. Are you named after anyone?

nope lol my middle name was going to be Rose after my great-grandma on my mom's side, but my parents didn't want to offend either side of the family by using a name from the other side of the family so they ended up opting for completely random names for me and my brother hahaha

2. When was the last time you cried?

around april 21 (friend's funeral, her brother was speaking during it and i did not keep it together)

3. Do you have kids?

nope! only my cat, who i love and adore with my entire heart, she is my sweet lil angel muffin

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

kinda depends i guess? sometimes?

5. What is the first thing you notice about a person?

ohhh good question hmm i guess if i'm just seeing someone in passing, probably appearance? otherwise how they interact with and treat other people.

6. What’s your eye color?

brown, but leans a little hazel-ey some days.

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

agree that i like satisfying endings that are also hopefully happy! but between these two options, happy endings, i cannot do scary movies or tv shows or anything, i get freaked out and then can't sleep lol

8. Any special talents?

i genuinely don't know L O L i don't know what would constitute a special talent??? i can memorize song lyrics pretty quickly and then they sorta embed themselves into my brain forever, does that count??

9. Where were you born?

southern usa!

10. What are your hobbies?

video games, watching movies/dramas (though i do not always have the attention span for it lol), reading, crafting (i like physically making things with my hands since i just do design on my computer all day for work! i like trying lots of different things, recently been trying a little bit of hand embroidery. also painting little ceramic figures and stuff like that), cosplaying. i've been trying this year to build taking a walk into my daily routine, not sure if i count it as a hobby or not lol

11. Do you have any pets?

my sweet sweet rileycat!!!! i love cats!!!!

12. What sports do you/have you played?

am not a sports girlie LOL i did tap/ballet/jazz for six-ish years when i was younger! in high school i took theatre classes and was in the plays/musicals instead of sports.

13. How tall are you?

5'4" which is like 162.5cm??

14. Favourite subject in school?

oh i love english, i always loved english. and math! i actually really loved math up until i took calculus. my calculus teacher was horrible, he made you feel stupid for asking questions and he intentionally made the tests too long to finish in a class period and made them extra confusing, it left me in tears more than once. cried at school bc i failed a lot of those tests. anyway i got a 5 on my AP exam for calculus (highest score) so i understood the material, my teacher just sucked and made me hate math after i'd loved it my entire life so ✌️

also loved my theatre classes in high school ahhhh

15. Dream job?

i think something working with cats / big cats / red pandas would be really fun. not a vet necessarily, i don't think i could handle it lol, but like a cat rescue or animal sanctuary maybe??? idk honestly

but yeah mostly agree with the "something that won't drain me and actually leaves me with savings and a will to live" answer. i like my current job/workplace/coworkers a lot more than my last job, but i still don't know if i'd want to be in this field until i retire, that's so many more years and clients sometimes make me wanna bash my head into a wall lol

i have a hard time with the ~dream job~ question bc i've just never felt like i had a "calling" or any overwhelming grand idea with what i've wanted to do with my life, i'm just vibing my way through somehow

Bonus: any significance to your blog's name:

NOPE lol when i was making this blog uhhhh 12 years ago everything that i wanted at the time had been taken and this was the only thing i could think of that i liked that was available and it was just something random 😂 i've thought about changing it but idk it's been too long now LOL

#tag game #personal #i always end up rambling on these more than i should HAHA oopsie ;; #long post

[runthepockets]

I've been reading The Secret Life Of Men by Steve Biddulph and I think it's the best men's wellness book I've come across in a hot minute. It goes into a lot of things-- navigating your post pubescent body, how to talk to your father and fit the missing pieces of the puzzle into your own masculinity, how to develop deep and enriching friendships with other men, how to get your point across in arguments with female love interests without having to resort to violence or petty insults or stonewalling, etc-- but what I'm most fixated on right now is the way he talks about sexuality. He does it in ways I'm always thinking and can relate to, but have never quite have the words for.

Basically this guy is like, when you raise boys to treat women as objects, when they're coming into their sexualities and you give them nothing but pin ups and rock music videos and degrading film and tv shows to latch onto, they grow up very ignorant and ashamed. They talk about women in context of "scoring", they keep "body counts", they don't know the difference between ejaculating and actually climaxing because you've taught them that masturbation is anything from a sin to necessary evil rather than a natural bodily function that keeps you healthy and sane (especially when you're not using low grade porno to get to the end) and that sex is a fleeting experience where someone else just happens to be along for the ride; that it's an excersize routine rather than a pleasant, fulfilling experience where both parties have fun, bare their souls, and become a little closer as a result. He said his biggest sexual awakening was when he was 14 and watching a very intimate scene in a movie where a woman made love to a parapalegic Vietnam Vet. And like. Yeah.

I'm frequently afraid to talk to other men about the intricacies of my sexual desires-- about what I want, about how I want it, about how I like kissing and hand holding and telling her she's pretty a lot and how I like back rubs and muscle stroking and all sorts of other cutesy shit-- despite being a pretty vanilla straight dude, because sometimes you give other guys an inch and they take a mile. Even if I simply say "I hung out with a girl" or intentionally and appropriately use phrases like "courting" or "making love" or "intimacy", I get crude metaphors and graphic questions about the woman's appearence in turn. I get told I have "another notch under my belt" and that I "scored" and that's really not how I like thinking of my partners. It feels gross, vouyeristic, disrespectful, invasive, both to her and me. I made a friend, we had a nice evening. All of this is doubled by the fact that I mostly pursue trans women and that makes a lot of other dudes antsy and/or ready to pounce with homophobic and transmisogynistic commentary.

Up until pretty recently I thought being a straight guy was all about having all kinds of porn catered to me, I thought sex was the only thing that mattered because that's the only thing other straight guys really talk about, and only in the vaguest terms and most degrading phrases, I hadn't even known there was a difference between ejaculating (the sensation a guy gets when he's close) and climaxing (actually cumming) and how important it is to really pay attention to your body until I had started reading this book, despite being a person who masturbates pretty regularly. Even though I'm the top demographic of people that the majority of mainstream sexual content is catered toward, I still felt unhappy and confused and ashamed and angry, and now I know why. Dudes really be treating sex like it's a game to be won and that makes me not want to engage in any sort of discourse or merrymaking unless absolutely necessary.

#I also have bottom dysphoria but that's another post. #gender diaries

[by-kilian]

Hello!! I hope you're having a pleasant day!~ For the ask game, I was wondering whether I could hear your answers for 1, 4, 69, and 73?

Hey love! It's so nice to hear from you, I hope you also had a wonderful day! ❤️😘 HAPPY to answer 🤗 below the cut!

do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

It's a little bit of both actually. I often know exactly how I want my stories to end because I know the story I want to tell. However, I never know exactly how it will happen and that's the exciting part. I often plan and have what I *think* is the best road to the ending when I first outline a story. But as I write more and my characters grow and things happen, oftentimes things change or get scrapped but for the better. I actually recently discovered that my process is not unlike Neil Gaiman's in which he describes it as taking a roadtrip from Miami to Seattle. You know where you're headed but you have no idea what is truly in store for you along the way. I hope that makes sense!

4. what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

Ohhh....I can't share. 😭😭😭 LMFAO. Because some of them may come out. They may never come out. I don't know. But I think I mentioned before that I have a habit of sitting on stories for literal years before they come to fruition. They sit in my notes as ideas. And idk I just like to let stories marinate because plot bunnies to me never come as ideas for one-shots, they come as ideas for ideally long stories or stories that at least take more than one chapter to tell. "Open Door" was actually one of these plot bunnies that became an official story just recently. I had wanted to write a story about Erwin trying to mend things with a wife whom he had either already gotten a divorce from or was in the middle of divorcing, but never quite liked it until a few tweaks recently. That sink scene? Sat on that for years. Back to the question though, I prefer to sit on plot bunnies because it happens quite often where I sometimes just like them in that moment. If I revisit it and scrap it, I know I was never that invested in it anyway. On the flip side, if I revisit it and still like it and want to keep fleshing it out or even if I just like to read it and enjoy its basic premise, I know it's a story I still want to tell. And maybe—if we want to wax poetic here—need to tell. I know why I haven't written any of them yet however, and it's just honestly a matter of not having enough time. I don't know if you can tell but I really like to devote myself to every single long-ish story I write. When I feel spread thin with just other things in life, I prefer to keep my writing to one project with occasional one-shots on the side to keep things fresh. I don't experience existential dread over it though because if it's a story I am meant to tell, I will tell it when I'm supposed to. Or it can fly away to another owner and I'm quite content with that too.

69. how do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel?

I utilize music when I write emotional scenes. It may sound cheesy but it's almost like being a composer scoring for a movie, or being a film editor and choosing juuuuust the right song for the right scene. I actually had a mini assignment to do stuff like this when I took film in high school. We had to take scenes from a movie we liked and pick the *perfect* song for it, and I had such a fun time with it. I picked "The Notebook" and the scene where Allie and Noah lie on the road with each other and giggle and fall in love, and chose the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. So oftentimes when I picture scenes, especially emotional scenes, I picture it with music as if you're watching a movie or a TV show. I will loop it 100 times if needed, until the scene is completed and written fully. As for do I ever feel what the characters feel, ALL THE TIME. I've mentioned before that I don't write a single emotionally sad scene for my characters without crying myself. Because honestly if I want to evoke any kind of emotion out of anyone else, I think I have to first do it to myself.

73. how do you visualize scenes? do you see it like a movie in your head, or do the words just flow?

I see it like a movie in my head and then the words flow. ❤️

Thank you for sending in your questions!! I appreciate it <3

#asks #ask games #kw writing questions

[tilbageidanmark]

Movies I watched this Week #97

I don’t know why I waited so long before seeing the British gangster film Sexy Beast, Jonathan Glazer’s first feature. I liked both his ‘Birth’ and ‘Under the skin’, and he only made 3 films. Stylish anti-hero with Gandhi plays a psychopath. 7/10.    

🍿   

2 by Arthur Penn:

🍿 “… Where were you when Kennedy was shot?... 

Which Kennedy?…”

Night moves (1975), the dark Arthur Penn new-noir about weary investigator Harry Caul (Gene Hackman) looking for the missing 16-year-old love-sick Melanie Griffith, who sleeps around and strips naked wherever she goes. (Photo Above). Evocative re-watch. 8/10.

🍿 And so I tried his last theatrical film, the black comedy Penn & Teller Get Killed. It was universally panned by critics, and it gets 3 ‘Ouchies’ from me too. So-Bad-I-Couldn’t-Finish-it candidate, I barely lasted 11 minutes.

🍿

Ebert wrote about Floating weeds: “Sooner or later, everyone who loves movies comes to Ozu. He is the quietest and gentlest of directors, the most humanistic, the most serene.” My 3rd by the Japanese master, a seemingly simple and delicate story of a flailing troupe of traveling Kabuki players who visit a small seaside village. More Ozu please! 8/10.

🍿 

3 kites:

🍿 So I finally read Khaled Hosseini‘s bestseller The Kite Runner, about two Afghan best friends who fly kites in Kabul, and the life-long guilt and suffering feelings of one of them over his betrayal of the other. Stories about Afghanistan are hard to appeal to westerners. It’s an unforgiving culture, with absolute and foreign values. The story ends just before 9/11, so at least it does not get involved with the misguided politics of the last 20 years, which helped assure that the Afghani people will never be able to recover or heal.

🍿 Was the 2006 film adaptation of The Kite Runner the first Hollywood-style Afghani melodrama offered to Western audiences (besides fairy tale adventures like ‘The man who would be king’)? It did star Afghani actors, and played in an Afghani-looking locales, but the actors were decidedly un-charismatic, and the locations were sanitized-clean and studio-set-looking. It was a ‘fancier’ tale of friendship, family, and love on the background of real politics. The Oscar-baiting “exotic” class divide between the two characters was sharper than the book, and some of the literary themes were transferred to the screen. However, it didn’t do it for me.

🍿 Higher than a kite, my second (disappointing) Three Stooges spoof, as 1943 Nazi-fighters. An 18 minutes short that left me cold.

🍿

La Cabina (The Phone Box) A nightmarish little Spanish film from 1972, about a man who inexplicably gets trapped in a phone booth.

🍿 

Young Jean-Louis Trintignant X 2:

🍿 Il Sorpasso (1962), my first, I think, by Italian Dino Risi. Young student Trintignant is seduced by a charismatic free-wheeling Vittorio Gassman to embark on an exciting road trip in a convertible Lancia. Fun and multi-layered until the shocking and sudden ending. 8/10.

🍿 I haven’t seen Claude Lelouch’s romantic A man and a woman since its original opening. I forgot how lovely and simple it was. They made 2 sequels to it, 20 years later, and another 20 years after that, which I have no desire seeing.

🍿

Red, a 2017 short art film with Cate Blanchett as a redback spider who orgasms then eats her mate. Next year's Halloween costume inspiration.

🍿      

I wanted to go through the ‘Top 100 musicals of all time’ that I haven’t seen yet:

🍿 "Hello, gorgeous"... Unfortunately, the first random film I picked was Barbara Straisand’s debut film, Funny girl. The “not-pretty” Jewish girl is also not funny, the musical numbers were mediocre, and the story was dated even in 1968. 2/10.

On the other hand, here’s 19-year-old Barbra Streisand's first TV appearance on April 5, 1961 on Jack Paar's Tonight Show.

🍿 An American in Paris had better score by George Gershwin, and some tap dance numbers by Gene Kelly, but the love story and the touristy “French” plot of the story were trite. It ended though with a beautiful 17-minute dance routine that was worth the price of admission.  

🍿

Putin’s Palace is a 2.5 hour long documentary film, made and narrated by opposition leader Alexei Navalny. It’s a bold (and boring but probably true) analysis of the financial corruptions that funded Putin’s ownership of the $1.35 billion black sea complex.

🍿

First watch: Frank Oz’s comedy Bowfinger. For some reason I always thought it was the name of the nerdy Eddie Murphy, “Jiff”. But no, it was the bullshit director Steve Martin in this movie-about-movie-making. With young Heather Graham as a ditsy blond, and John Cho in a cameo as “a man in a club” [It’s funny how all his roles until ‘Harold and Kumar’ were billed as “MILF guy # 2″ and “Aide # 3″, or “Joey”, Etc.] 2/10. 

🍿

(My complete movie list is here)

#movies

[thesinglesjukebox]

LILY-ROSE DEPP - "WORLD CLASS SINNER / I'M A FREAK"

And finally we find out, once and for all, who actually watched The Idol! (Yes, we fell short on the CONTROVERSY, but we sure did learn a lot today...)

[3.26]

Aaron Bergstrom: Facts I have learned in the last fifteen minutes: (1) This was written for a TV show that scored a 19% on Rotten Tomatoes and was almost immediately canceled. (2) One of the main plot points of the show is that this song isn't very good and is actively hindering the attempted comeback of the pop star who performs it. (3) The pop star herself doesn't even like it. (4) That pop star is played by Johnny Depp's daughter, who is very much not a pop star in real life. (5) The song was written as an obvious parody of The Weeknd ... by The Weeknd himself. It is both boring and deeply unsettling at the same time, but I guess that was the goal? So, congratulations, I hate it. [0]

Rose Stuart: "World Class Sinner / I'm a Freak" has the same problems as The Idol: it's not just bad, it's obviously bad, in a way that becomes only more stark when you know what it's trying to do. The song is a parody of woman-centered sex jams that doesn't understand why the originals work. It tries to give Tove Lo--especially with the moans in the beat, the only interesting idea the song has--but falls flat. The song wants to drip with sex, but the lyrics feel more like an oil spill than a tease, unless you happened to take a sip of your drink just in time for the line "and every weekend/ I've gotta find someone to bang." Musically, it's a low drone, with Depp sounding like your bored coworker at karaoke while the instrumental lies cold and lifeless underneath her. Worse still, the droning beat, oversexed yet sexless lyrics, and attempts at bravado that are more humiliating than impressive are from a song by The Weeknd, the lost companion to "The Hills" and "Earned It." While a singer delivering a terrible acting performance is a long and well-worn road, "World Class Sinner / I'm a Freak" is even more damaging to The Weeknd's reputation than The Idol's long list of damages. A bad performance and an embarrassing series of tweets can be forgiven, but "World Class Sinner / I'm a Freak" says the worst thing a song can: if this is the hit The Weeknd writes for his passion project, maybe he's not as good as we thought. Maybe he never was. [1]

Katherine St Asaph: Producer Asa Taccone co-wrote "Dick in a Box" and also a Charlotte Gainsbourg song, a factoid that explains this single better than anything you or I can write. You have a nepo baby dropping "Barbie Girl" references, extolling the virtues of the "dumb but cute" himbo ratio (which isn't even phrased as a ratio) and bragging about looking for "someone to bang" -- all played as unironically dead-eyed seduction. Even without watching The Idol -- because why whould anyone do that -- it's exceedingly obvious that this was intended as a "Buddha's Delight" atrocity. It's also typical that the Weeknd couldn't imagine a woman delivering one of his standard scumbag songs without adding bitchy gold-digger lines and half-assed pseudo-femdom-but-actually-sub posturing. But that backing track -- crystalline, nocturnal, perfect -- is as undeniable as the song is unserious. (Ciara's "Dance Like We're Making Love" comes to mind.) A corrosive fave. [5]

Taylor Alatorre: "But that's not what ratios are!! That doesn't make any sense!!!"" I scream, helplessly banging my fists against the sealed glass walls of the enclosure. The woman on the other side offers only a forlorn smile and a set of downcast eyes, replying in a small, apologetic voice, "I know. But I can't do anything about it. I'm trapped here, in a fictional hit song within a fictional universe, where the normal laws of sense-making and hit-making don't apply. As long as it sounds vaguely like something that would've made the bottom rungs of the Rhythmic charts five to ten years ago, that's all they really care about." Hearing this, I strike the wall with my fist one last time before slumping down onto the tiled linoleum, muttering something about a "Lonely Island Popstar throwaway" as I shake my head in resignation. "If you want, though," the woman continues, "you can pretend it's supposed to be a parody of one of those loopy Max Martin-written lines." "You mean like, 'now that I've become who I really are?'" "Yeah, that one." [4]

Ian Mathers: I never watched the show -- is there an in-universe reason for this being so boring yet so ostensibly horny? Did they hire a Depp for the method authenticity of not being very good at music? [2]

Josh Winters: As the only person at the Jukebox who has admitted to watching the entirety of The Idol (hear me out), I find myself at a loss when I try to think of how the context of the show helps to make a case for the strength of this song. If the showrunning team was self-aware in how the show folded into the banality and vapidity it was trying to depict, the big risk they took didn't really pay off. And if Lily, Abel, and co. thought this was a quality tune, might I suggest they take a class at the Ally School of Pop Songwriting if they ever get the chance to go for a second season? What tries to present itself as an irresistible appetizer delivers only empty calories that leave you questioning what the hell you just ate, and in that sense "World Class Sinner / I'm a Freak" does its job in representing the experience of watching The Idol without having to see a single episode. [4]

Claire Biddles: I actually watched all of The Idol in my capacity as a citizen of Troye Sivan Nation ("Rush" would have gotten a [10] from me!!), and had the show actually succeeded as a satire/take-down/whatever it was supposed to be, this would have gotten a higher score. It's a decent facsimile of a dead-behind-the-eyes sexy comeback, but in the context of the show it's positioned as serious and actually transgressive (I think?) It's not knowing, so it doesn't work at all. "Every weekend I'm trying to find someone to bang" got a genuine laugh from me though, so I guess I'll give it a: [2]

Harlan Talib Ockey: I did not watch The Idol, and I absolutely will not be watching it knowing the horrors it contains. But this is obviously and literally a Weeknd song. I can hear him singing it. The lyrics are so hilariously over-the-top that there is no way to read this other than campy irony. (And they're still not too far off from some Weeknd songs.) It's objectively funny that the Weeknd's parody song sounds almost exactly like the rest of his discography, but it is a truth universally acknowledged that most fictional songs written to be bad will end up being very good. [7]

Leah Isobel: These hooks are big and juicy, but Lily-Rose Depp is a screen actor, not a pop performer; she doesn't have the vocal charisma or presence to really sell this, and I can hear The Weeknd's ghost in the empty space between her and the song. That could be by design. But I can also hear that ghost wrestling with the spectre of camp -- and, fortunately for us all, losing. [5]

Alfred Soto: Based on a show I've never heard of and am supposed to despise, "I'm a Freak" drops one of the more unexpected "bitch" lines in recent years and is okeedokee as far as mid-tempo synth jams. Docked a notch for the flat vocal. [4]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: I still remember when I first tried talking dirty, and this girl had to be like, "No, you don't have the inflection right. Say it more like this." It was funny and fun, and I'm grateful we communicated so openly, for both our sakes. It's rare you hear a song that channels this sort of unpracticed unsexy, the kind where you end up thinking, "Oh, so no one's told you yet...?" I laugh every time Lily-Rose Depp sings, "Get ready to become my bitch" without any intensity, or when she mentions "whip and chains" with the enthusiasm of someone reading a grocery list. And then she throws me for a loop during the bridge, mistaking speed for seduction. "[I'm] no beginner," she eventually claims. It's okay, I tried saving face too. [6]

Tara Hillegeist: One of those single-line critiques that's always stuck with me for the precision with which it said, with both empathy and brutality, the exact failings of what its writer was tasked with reviewing was a now-vanished review of the then-new debut single from the Pussycat Dolls, "Don't Cha." The review noted that Tori Alamaze's original release of the song, from her own attempt at a solo career, had the energy, edge, and personality to give the song's boast about "a freak like me" actual weight, while the Dolls couldn't sound less sincerely freakish if they'd actually tried. In much the same way, I can't pretend my reaction to this song isn't colored by the working experience that comes from my having a girlfriend I'm blessed to be the domme for in a 24/7 D/s relationship. No matter how thirsty and yearning they might be to get the good good strap, no self-respecting submissive in the world would be able to fool themselves enough into believing a word of a performance that sounded like the limp, unremarkable delivery Depp provides for "so get down on your knees and get ready to become my bitch" for a fucking second, much less long enough to respect her with a second of their fucking. It's insulting to every single girl who wants to be a bitch for someone to act like they don't deserve a better effort than this. I mean, for Christ's sake, they'll get freakier than this in public at the Vatican. [1]

Brad Shoup: No I did not watch The Idol. Yes my head slumped to my chest when I heard "whip and chain". I like that it's languid; when Depp picks up the cadence it never bodes well. [4]

Nortey Dowuona: As someone who admires Prince's incredible musical talent and dreams to reassert control of his art, let us never forget he married a teenager and conceived a child with her once he could not legally be prosecuted for it. And then made a whole press conference to dump her. And tried to kill Sinead O'Connor for covering his song. And fired Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. And kept firing his band at a whim. And I wanted to say all that because when Abel Tesfaye dies while visiting Ethiopia once again and is given a state funeral, and we are writing tributes to "Die For You," this terrible show and song will be swept under the rug so we can justify the delusion we have about the artists we loved: that their most vile, egregious behavior should be forgotten once they pass. We can't let that happen. And we also need to remember Graffiti Bridge. Can't forget Graffiti Bridge. [0]

Michelle Myers: The best thing I can say about this song is that it makes me want to listen to Tove Lo. [2]

Kayla Beardslee: We have Tove Lo at home. [4]

Will Adams: From "On a Roll" to "Hair Body Face" to this, the micro-genre of "fictional pop song that is a huge hit in its universe" remains as tiresome as ever. Forget the commentary that's meant to evoke "this is the pop machine at its worst! behold how cynical it is!!" We're supposed to believe that this post-Weeknd sludge is some chart-topping smash? That's where the illusion falls apart; difficult as it may be, if your fake platinum pop star doesn't sound like platinum, then what's the point? [4]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Largely indistinguishable from a Tate McRae song. [3]

Jackie Powell: Lily-Rose Depp's delivery on the hook of "World Class Sinner / I'm A Freak," where she nonchalantly croons "I'm just a freak, yeah," twice per chorus, was made for the TikTok algorithm that it conquered. That edgy yet self-deprecating phrase is relatable enough without the context of the television show that the song was written for. But the latest musical installment of the fictional woman pop star is also the least compelling. A common thread between the pop songs that Lady Gaga sang as Ally Maine in A Star is Born, Miley Cyrus sang as Ashley O in Black Mirror, and even what Natalie Portman sang as Celeste in Vox Lux was the fact they were composed by actual women who have experienced what the music industry is like for women in pop: suffocating, emotional and sometimes abusive. Depp is an actress but not a musician, and The Weeknd and Asa Taccone of Electric Guest are men. Dr. Paula Clare Harper, a musicologist at the University of Chicago, told Vulture that there are sonic similarities between "WCS/IAF" and The Weeknd's smash "Can't Feel My Face." But for this song to be effective, it couldn't just be a more feminine version of a Weeknd song, and that's mostly what it is. Taccone has written and produced a lot of musical satire for television and has also written catchy pop songs, like "Feel it Still" by Portugal. The Man and "Feels Right," an underrated Carly Rae Jepsen track from Dedicated. So why did he come up short here? It all comes back to the source material. On "Feels Right" Taccone had Jepsen as a co-writer and referred to her as "a natural leader." In other words, she is an authority on how women function and are treated within the music industry. That's something unattainable on "World Class Sinner," a song written about a woman and her plight by two men. [4]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox ]

#the idol #music #music writing #music reviews #music criticism #the singles jukebox #Youtube

[toomanysurveys9]

Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time? Just getting home or on the way home from Jacob’s mom’s house.

What was the last thing you watched on the TV? I don’t remember. Probably Jane the Virgin.

Do you think pets can get annoying easily? No, it takes a lot to annoy me generally. At least for my pets to.

Did you know that pickles have no calories? I didn’t know that.

Do you enjoy family get togethers? I do.

In a group of three, do you often feel like the third wheel? Yup.

What color are your pants? Blue jeans.

Is there snow on the ground where you are? No. It’s almost officially summer.

What is keeping you warm right now?

It’s warm outside right now. But Nora is also sleeping on me with a blanket and she’s a little heater.

Has anyone bought you a piece of jewelry? Yeah.

How far away is your next birthday? Three-ish months.

Do you have plans for that birthday yet? No plans.

When did you last take a shower? It’s been a few days.

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? I have not.

Have you ever flown somewhere alone? Nope.

Are you more serious or funny? Definitely more serious.

Is there someone that annoys you but you haven’t told them? There are a lot of people that fall into this category.

When is garbage day in your area? Friday.

Who/What was the last thing to really irritate you? All the kids yelling and screaming and fighting.

Do you think people either love or hate spongebob? I mean, I feel like there’s probably people somewhere in the middle too.

Have you seen that new “Lie To Me” show? It’s not new, but yes. I watched a couple seasons, but never finished the series.

What is something you’d rather be doing right now? I’m ready to go to sleep.

Do you find that people are too hard on you? They can be but I’m hardest on myself.

Do you take surveys often? Not as often as I used to or would like to. But I’m hoping to be able to get back into it.

Do you tend to slam things around when you’re mad? Not usually.

Do you know anyone who hates/dislikes chocolate? Probably but they’re not coming to mind right now.

Could you vote in this last election? Yup.

Have you taken a shower today? Nope.

How much sleep did you get last night? Not nearly enough.

Do you have more girl friends or guy friends? Neither. Lol.

What is your current mood? Super sleepy.

Is there anything on your mind at the moment? Just stressing out about everything I need to do and buy and take care of before the trip next week.

Are there any movies out that you’d like to see? I want to see the new Little Mermaid movie!

Have you ever been on a website called Stickam? I don’t think so.

Have you ever hated yourself? All the time.

Are you hungry? Nope.

Did your parents ever ground you? Alll the time.

Where was the last place you went out to eat? Hacienda with Nora on Saturday. Panera was the drive thru.

Have you ever felt like you needed a better life than the one you have? I guess so.

Do you own an MP3 player of some kind? I do but I don’t use it.

Do you have a moment in your life you wish you could replay over again? A few.

Have you ever been in a play? If so, did you like it? I was in a musical once.

What is one musical artist you wish wasn’t making music? I don’t care for Cardi B much. But I know there are others that like her.

When was the last time you cleaned something? I swept the floor not too long ago.

Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Yup. Several times at various ages for various things.

Do you like your smile? I hate it actually. My gums and teeth are shit because I never expected to live this long and my parents never taught us proper dental hygiene.

Do you have someone that you think truly understands you? Not really.

When was the last time you doubted yourself? Anytime I think about my upcoming internship. And I was also worried about my signature assignment for this class but ended up with a perfect score.

Is there anything currently bothering you? I have too much on my plate before next week.

Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? Nope.

Who was the last person to cheer you up when you were down? My kids.

Are you scared of what you do not know? Sometimes, yes.

Is there anything in the next six months that you’re looking forward to? Florida. And hopefully going to Louisiana for Leslie’s wedding. And starting my internship.

Were you/are you popular in high school? Not even a little.

Do you really care what people think about you? Not really.

Do you find yourself treating others like you’d want to be treated? I try.

Are you constantly envious of others? Not really.

Are you more of a whiner with things or a do’er of things? Definitely a mix of both.

List three of your favorite TV shows: Supernatural, Criminal Minds, and Hart of Dixie tend to be my comfort shows.

Would your friends say you’re a relaxed person or stressed? Stressed for sure.

What do you find yourself worrying most about these days? Finances. My babies.

Would you say it’s hard to earn your trust? No. It’s too easy and I always get hurt.

Who was the last person to compliment you? Eliana I think. :) She’s a sweetie.

Anything interesting happen this past week? This week just started.

When was the last time you felt scared? Yesterday when Michelle and Jacob let Nora on the trampoline.

What’s on your mind this very second? I need to get to bed.

Do you know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’? I do.

Do you correct other people’s grammar/spelling when talking to them online? Nope.

Is bacon one of your favorite foods? I enjoy it on occasion, but it’s definitely not one of my favorite foods by any means.

Are you one of those people who like to sleep in on the weekends? Yes but my kids say no. Lol.

Do you like things Vampire related? I do. Although I’m super into fairies right now. :p

Have you ever cussed at a parent or teacher? Not that I can remember.

When was the last time you saw snow? Whenever it snowed last, which wasn’t as long ago as it should have been. Lol.

Have you ever felt stupid after saying something? All the time.

Do you find yourself cold at the moment? Nope.

Are your nails currently long? Longer than I like them to be. Especially with my job being with kids.

Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I talk about it too much sometimes. Especially on here.

Do you have long slender fingers or short chunky ones? Chunky. :( 

Do you think your foot size fits your body type? No. They’re too big for as short as I am.

Are you the competitive type? Noo.

Are you more of a mommy’s person or a daddy’s person? Momma’s.

#survey #surveys #personal #question #questions #random

[stephenjaymorrisblog]

Jeremy Peña Saved Me from Suicide

Stephen Jay Morris

10/16/2022

Scientific Morality©

There are so many ways of escapism from negative current events. What’s your pleasure? Sex? Drugs? Music? Dancing? Booze? Video games? For me, it’s being a front row spectator of competitive sports on TV. In that world, there’s never a mention about the Donald, or of Evangelicals disrupting a school board meeting. No...during game time, I am far, far away from that shit. The only controversy, if any, is over an umpire’s call. It’s a good way to spend time during a hot, summer afternoon.

Autumn is upon us now, which means MLB playoffs! The outcome will result in the two teams that face off over seven games of the ultimate show, the fucking World Series!!!

You see, it’s not toxic masculinity that drives me to watch such contact sports; it’s about team work, and heart and soul. It’s about individual achievements through symbiotic relationships with collectivism. Without each other, there can be no victory. This is applicable to all endeavors in life.

Also, there is the issue of the underdog. I have always been a fan of the underdog. There is a basketball team in Los Angeles, the L.A. Clippers. In the 90’s, they couldn’t get arrested. They were always in last place. But I stuck with them and still do. Over the years, the team improved markedly, to the point where they get into the playoffs, but always fail to make it to the championships. Well, someday.

Now, back to baseball. The Seattle Mariners haven’t won a World Series since 1990. That’s a long time! I was drawn to the team because of that fact. During the first round of the ALCS playoffs, they were playing against the Houston Astros. I usually have no interest in that team. However, their manager, Dusty Baker, is somebody I really care about. I remember him when he played for my home team, the L.A. Dodgers, in the 70’s. Later, he managed the Chicago Cubs and almost took them to the World Series. Then, he managed another underdog team, the Washington D.C. Nationals. He took that team out of last place. But—and it’s a big but—he never won a World Series. A man after my own heart.

On October 15, Game 4 between the Seattle Mariners and the Houston Astros started at 4:00 p.m. It was broadcast over cable TBS. Both teams had great pitchers. After the first inning, there were no hits. At the end of the 7th inning—no score! At this point, I was yelling at my T.V. set, “Can’t anybody hit the God damn ball?!” I even started to use racial epithets and yelled sexist remarks at the players. I stayed with the game up until the 10th inning. Nothing!

Disgusted, I left the game and watched some drive-in, gore movie. After some time, I was curious about who’d won, so I returned to TBS. The stupid game was still on! It was the 14th inning!! After that, I kept going back and forth between the movie and the game.

I think it was 10:15 p.m.--in the 18th inning!!--when a young player named Jeremy Peña stepped up to the plate. He’s a 25 year-old rookie, born in the Dominican Republic. I didn’t expect much from him. At this point, I was thinking about overdosing on sleeping pills. He swung his bat and the ball flew into the backfield seats! It was finally over! The Houston Astros advanced to the second round of the ALCS playoffs, and having done so, they set a six-in-a-row AL record!

I felt sorry for the Mariners’ fans; they’d all stayed to the bitter end. I guess, as they say, there is always next year. But I was happy for 73 year-old, Dusty Baker.

Also, Jeremy Peña saved me from suicide.

#baseball #sports #postseason #stephenjaymorris #poets of tumblr #baby boomers #anarchism #satire #autobiography

[miedemamadness]

Vivianne Miedema Helden Magazine Interview

You recently starred with Lieke Martens in a peanut butter commercial. Is a new career beckoning?

Viv - Laughing: “My acting wasn't very strong. It was way out of my comfort zone. Oh, those things are included. It's nice that boys and girls who are fans of ours see this on TV."

When you walk down the street in London, are you recognized?

Viv- “That's starting to come now, and it's mainly because I've kind of become the face of the English league. We regularly go to London with a few girls from the team. As a group we stand out a bit more anyway, of course we also look sporty. Then people can put a face to the name. But it is not as crazy in England as it is in the Netherlands.”

Do you think your fame limits your freedom?

Viv- “We were the first to shout: 'We want to make women's football big and known.' It comes with a price. I don't really like that attention, it still takes some getting used to after all these years. Last year I was back in Hoogeveen after the lockdown. I hadn't been to my parents' house for a long time. I went out for a night with my brother Lars and had a beer. Two minutes later it was on the internet. I couldn't play games for a holiday and six months because of corona, is it also allowed once… But yes, that's part of it. Fortunately, it is still not that bad in sports, artists are being monitored more closely. I don't have such an interesting life."

You have been playing for Arsenal for four years, are only 24 and already the all-time top scorer in England and of Orange.

Viv- Laughing: "They say you have to stop at your peak, right?"

You're not going to announce your retirement now, are you?

Viv- Laughing: “No, really.”

Are you someone who remembers every goal?

Viv- “I sometimes forget something because of the adrenaline. The list of goals is also getting longer, thankfully. When we were in lockdown last year because of corona and couldn't play football, I did look back on some special matches, such as those of the European Championship won in 2017 and the World Cup in 2019 when we reached the final. It's nice to see your own goals again."

Do you value those lists?

Viv- "It's not that I'm hugely into it, but I like being at the top of a few lists."

You have also been chosen as Player of the Year 2019 and Best Player of the Decade in England and included in FIFA's World Team of the Year 2019.

Viv- “I have some of those cups at home and a few at the club. It's definitely an honor to be named, don't get me wrong, but I play football because I want to win trophies with the team. I think it's more important that I have developed over the past few years and have not only been a scoring striker, but also showed myself as number 10."

Vivianne the mouthpiece

“I have an exemplary role when it comes to certain topics and I am not afraid to give my opinion to help women's football move forward. I've created the platform for that and I think I've earned the respect of being able to voice my opinion too."

Has that also become some kind of mission for you?

Viv - “I am now one of the most famous strikers in the world in women's football, so I also think I should stand up for what is happening in women's football. We are still so behind in men's football. We must fight for equality. It's not just about money, it's also about opportunities."

It was recently announced that the format of the Champions League is changing. There will be a group stage and the prize money has been increased to 24 million. A step in the right direction?

Viv- "Absolutely. The Champions League in women's football is big, but it wasn't what it should be. The club that currently wins the Champions League is even losing money. Hopefully, clubs will now also have something to do with it.”

Before the World Cup in Canada in 2015, you said in an interview in Helden: 'Hopefully parents will one day say: 'My daughter plays football like Vivianne, that seems very special, if that is ever said.' That is only six years old. ago.

Viv- “And that remains bizarre. I was only eighteen at the World Cup. Two years later we became European champions. In my day there was no figurehead in women's football. I looked at Arjen Robben, Wesley Sneijder and Robin van Persie, dreamed that I would stand between them in the field. Now we see girls say: 'I want to play football like Miedema or be like Shanice van de Sanden.' That is a super step. We all contributed to that.”

Every interview you give is about the development of women's football. Do you feel that it is enough about the successes?

Viv- “That development could go a bit faster, you know, then we don't have to talk about it anymore. But we should also consider our achievements. To be so successful with a small country that is relatively new in women's football is special.”

Vivianne the world improver

What does your ideal world look like?

Viv- “That boys and girls grow up in a world in which they are given the same opportunities. Not just in football, but in all of life. That is why I became an ambassador for War Child. There are also many musicians and artist ambassadors. Music brings a lot of joy to the world, but so does sports. Unfortunately I can't travel yet due to corona. Instead, I did a lot online; tried to set up projects with schools in the Netherlands and recorded films for children in distant countries. When life is somewhat back to normal, I also hope to be able to go to war countries and children.”

What do you want to mean for the world?

Viv- “I wish I could change the world, but I don't have that illusion. I have been so lucky in my life, had a great childhood in Hoogeveen. If I can give a little happiness back to children who are having a hard time, it's included. If I can improve a day in the lives of thirty kids by playing football with them so that they can forget for a moment that they are having a hard time, then my goal has already been achieved at that moment. A year and a half ago we were in a township in South Africa with the Orange Women. Every minute we were told by those children how wonderful they were that we were there. Such a day only increases my will to help.”

Where does that feeling of 'wanting to do good' come from?

Viv- “I already had that as a little girl. When I used to watch TV, I was drawn to social topics and my primary school in Hoogeveen worked together on various projects. When actions needed to be set up, I was the first to raise my hand to help. I also made sure that my old football uniforms ended up with poorer children in the Netherlands. I still do.

Every two months we receive five pairs of new football boots. Via Instagram I make sure that my old shoes end up with Dutch boys or girls or they are sent to a good cause via the club. Last year, our entire team's clothing went to children in Jakarta.”

Vivianne the sober Dutchman

You have been playing at Arsenal for four years. Your girlfriend Lisa Evans is Scottish and you study in English. Are you half English now?

Viv- “It's really not that I forget Dutch, that will never happen, but sometimes I make a sentence or I write something down and I think: Viv, what the hell are you doing? In fact, I often hear that I speak English with a Scottish accent. I hang out with the Scottish girls a lot, then you pick that up. I think Scotland is a great country; nature, the way of life and the people.”

And what about your Northern Dutch roots? You played for Heerenveen for three years and grew up in Hoogeveen, in Drenthe.

Viv- “I don't think it's very likely that I'll ever live there again. But the Netherlands has done many things well. So I'm not saying I'll never go back, but I don't think I'll go back to Hoogeveen. I did get the soberness from the Northern Netherlands. I will always keep that.”

You and Lisa have been together for years, and teammates for years. What makes your relationship so good?

Viv- “We played together for two years at Bayern Munich and now four years at Arsenal. We are complete opposites. That seems to work. I'm quite calm and I'm fine with moving in the background. The moment Lisa enters a room, everyone becomes happy and she transfers her happiness to other people. I can enjoy that immensely. She's also crazy. It just clicks between us. Lisa and I have been living together for a while. Some will think: how complicated that you are also on the team together. I don't think so. She makes me better every day. We are the two fastest in the team and I like that I can beat her in sprints every now and then. We develop each other both on and off the field.”

And you don't think: it is sometimes a lot of Lisa around me?

Viv- “Oh, of course you do. Go to the bedroom and keep your mouth shut, I think regularly. But that will also be the case the other way around. I'm actually quite apprehensive that I won't be seeing her for a long time during the Olympics. We are normally together 24 hours a day. But sometimes being away is also part of football.”

Vivianne the thinker

“I'm quite an overthinker in life. I was eighteen when I went to the 2015 World Cup in Canada. There was a ten hour time difference and I could barely make contact with home. I had a really hard time that tournament, I thought everything was terrible. But that tournament made me mature quickly in the football world. First I became big as a football player in the Netherlands, then in Europe and at the moment I am big in the world. I do feel the pressure that comes with that. I always used to think: I don't need a psychologist. But as I got older and started going through things, I realized I can't do it alone and I need help. People I can tell my story to. Football is certainly not always fun. There are definitely moments when I think: what am I doing all this for?

After that first World Cup, I also thought about quitting. If people can't appreciate you, what are you doing it for? I play football for myself, but also to make others happy. Top sport is beautiful, but also mentally very tough.”

Do you find your support mainly in family and friends?

Viv- “The friends I have outside of football are never going to fully understand what I'm going through. The same goes for my parents. My brother Lars also plays football, first at FC Den Bosch and since this year at Vélez C.F. in Spain. He knows what I'm going through, he helps me a lot. But sometimes others don't get it. When I'm at home, I really enjoy talking to my mother about things in life other than football.”

Is the top sport life ever too much for you?

Viv- “Last year's lockdown came at the right time for me. I spent five months with my in-laws in Scotland. I enjoyed not feeling pressure for a while. The first week I thought: what should I do with my life, I have nothing but football. But the second week I enjoyed doing other things; for walking and enjoying nature. And in the third week I felt free. I woke up and could be who I wanted to be, I didn't have to pay attention to anything.”

So that lockdown has been your salvation?

Viv- "Maybe. Before corona, there were nine girls at Arsenal who had to play all games because we had a lot of injuries. There was a lot of pressure on us. I was occasionally in training with tears in my eyes because I had to play football again.”

And how did you feel this season?

Viv- “We football players are in a privileged position, I am well aware of that. We were still allowed to play soccer, while many people couldn't leave their home because of corona. But the mental consequences for girls who could not or cannot go home should not be underestimated either. I have seen my parents once in the past few months, the time before that was in July last year. I didn't go home for Christmas either. Mentally, this has been the toughest season of my football career so far.”

You now hear many stories of athletes who end up in a burnout due to the high pressure and overcrowded schedules.

Viv- “I discussed that with Lisa. During her studies she is now learning about mental problems in sports. Depression is common in athletes. I have the idea that girls are open about mental problems among themselves. But bringing it out also goes a step further. Not that there is a taboo on it, but it immediately leaves a mark on you when you tell your story. Especially in men's football. There, players have to move in a certain box to be accepted. They don't feel the freedom to say: I don't feel okay for a while. I hope that in the coming years it will become normal for athletes to speak out about this and that we can help and support each other in this. When I was still playing for Bayern Munich, I studied psychology at university the first year. I couldn't combine that with football and I stopped, but it's still in my head to do something with that later. I would like to help young girls make the transformation from youth teams to first teams. When I was fourteen, I got into the premier league to play in the women's team who were 32. That wasn't always easy. Hopefully I can help young talents in this area.”

Vivianne De Feyenoord

Feyenoord announced that it will start with a women's team next season. When will we finally see you in that Feyenoord shirt, the club you are such a fan of?

Viv- “It's great that it's possible now. But I'm just a little too young. At Arsenal we have a number of girls who have the club running through their veins. I also think Arsenal is a great club to play for, but I don't feel that intense love. When Feyenoord came out with the news that they will play with a women's team in the Eredivisie next year, I suddenly felt that warm feeling inside. That feeling of club love, of: wow, there will come a day when I can play for this club, the club that I have always been a fan of. Feyenoord needs time to become as good as Ajax, PSV and Twente, but I have every confidence that it will succeed in the coming years. One day I will play for Feyenoord. But for now I can still be found abroad.”

Vivianne the trainer

"I am following the UEFA B training, but I am not allowed to give training now because I am not allowed to get out of my 'Arsenal bubble' because of corona."

You also study Football Business. What are your ambitions after your football career?

Viv- “I have already completed a number of trainer diplomas, a psychology course and I am now studying Football Business. A nice combination that will come in handy later on. In what way I don't know yet, but once I've stopped I'm sure I want to return to the football world after a break."

Is there a national coach in you, a 'Sarina Wiegman plus'?

Viv- Laughing: “We did talk about that. Also with Arjan Veurink, the assistant. Tactically, I assert myself, the staff and the team see that too. Jokes were certainly made: 'Stop searching, we already have Sarina's successor in house.' In women's football there are simply not many top coaches around. And yes, I might want to be one in the future.”

Talking about Sarina Wiegman: she will become England national coach after the Games and Mark Parsons will succeed her. Do you regret having to say goodbye to her?

Viv- “Under Sarina, we became European champions, we played a World Cup final and we are at the Games for the first time. But in the end I think a new impulse, a little refreshment, is good after five years of working together. I think Sarina will do very well as England coach. For her and hopefully for us, it will be a positive development. And of course we will miss her.”

But first to Tokyo.

Viv - “The Games have always been my big dream, even though the World Cup is a bigger tournament for us. Despite the fact that it will now look different than usual, I am very excited.”

Vivianne Miedema in Tokyo group matches

Wednesday 21 July Netherlands-Zambia from 13.00

Saturday 24 July Netherlands-Brazil from 13.00

Tuesday 27 July Netherlands-China from 13.30

Quarter-finals Friday 30 July

Semi-finals Monday 2 August

Battle for bronze Thursday 5 August Final Friday 6 August

#vivianne miedema #football #womens football #arsenal women #arsenal wfc #dutch #oranje leeuwinnen #olympics

[everybodylovesrand]

Rafe/Rosamund Q&A

Q: Will there be a second trailer?

Rafe: Yes! and longer! What’s the thing you’d like to see most in it?

--

Q: For both Rosamund and Rafe - How do the final visuals effects align with what you had in mind when reading the script/filming on location?

Rafe: Making a TV show at its best is about collaboration about seeing how your initial version for something is lifted and changed and made better by the people around you. So my favourite visuals in the show are the ones that are far better than I’d ever imagined writing the scripts.

Rosamund: It’s so important to have a living vivid world inside your imagination when you are shooting sequences that will be completed with CGI, and the production have always made sure that we had plenty of visual references for how things would look as we went along. We have never worked on a set on which at least part of the world is not built. We have always had elements of the texture and atmosphere of the finished world to work with.

--

Q: Can we get some information on the composer or the score for the show? SO excited for this! Thank you both so much for bringing this to life!

Rafe: If Amazon lets this answer go through, this is me proudly announcing that we have the most incredible composer working on the show by the name of Lorne Balfe. You’ve gotten a tiny hint of his music with the reveal of the Logo, and what he’s doing is really special.

--

Q: For Rosamund: how different is acting in a high-fantasy TV show from your previous work?

Rosamund: The biggest most important challenge with fantasy is making the stakes your own, making the concepts and ideas that are so outside our own experience feel real and immediate.

--

Q: How much of the myrddraal is practical effects?

Rafe: The Myddraal, like almost all elements in the show, is as much practical as we could manage, enhanced by VFX. I always think that gives a more disturbing and real-feeling quality than full VFX creatures.

--

Q: My question is – What do you think Moraine’s favourite food is? (2) Does she prefer coffee or tea?

Rosamund: I don’t think Moiraine cares too much about food. (Rafe thinks she likes buffalo wings). She eats to live. But don’t worry, you will only ever see her drink tea.

Rafe: Buffalo wings.

--

Q: For Rosamund: How did you feel seeing Moiraine’s powers visually for the 1st time?

Rosamund: I felt like a badass. I said to Rafe when I first saw it, “I need this video of me shooting fireballs to show to my sons again, and again.”

--

Q: What is the show going to be rated? Will people be able to watch it with their teenagers?

Rafe: People should certainly be able to watch with their teenagers.

--

Q: How have you kept this trailer under wraps so long? Omg – it is perfect.

Rosamund: Thank you. The only thing we wanted was that it made people feel.

--

Q: How were you able to come up with how the weaving of the One power looks?

Rafe:  All of the VFX teams looking at the One Power were going off documents of descriptions of it pulled straight from the books, and using that as jumping off points.

Rosamund: I needed to feel that you would believe Moiraine had this power if there were no visual effects- the most important thing for me, was that I felt connected to something greater than myself. Robert Jordan is so eloquent about what it feels like to channel, the feeling of the one power filling your veins, the risk of it, the risk of drawing too much and the necessity of respecting it and being trained to use it.

--

Q: For Rosamund: What’s your favourite Moiraine speech?

Rosamund: Moiraine can be very silent so when she speaks, we listen. In the books it’s the “Weep for Manetheren speech”. The idea that in the people of the Two Rivers, the “old blood runs deep”.

--

Q: Can you bring the release date back a bit to like tomorrow or something?

Rosamund: Ask Rafe.

Rafe: Ask Amazon.

--

Q: How excited are you to see your audience responses after such a long wait?

Rafe: This is a complicated thing, because as a fan of many epic book series, seeing them brought to life is simultaneously thrilling and a little bit sad, as it changes forever a world that you saw in your own head while reading.

Rosamund: I love how warm and welcoming the Wheel of Time fan base have been. I hope we offer escape, excitement, mystery and something to keep people inspired through the end of the year.

--

Q: Which location was your favourite to film at? Specifically, in the show and in real life!

Rosamund: The world inside the walls of Shadar Logoth is particularly affecting and eerier. our production designer created a powerful, sinister set for the abandoned city. But for me as an actor: the city of Tar Valon was so rich: it was built from the ground up with the most intricate detail. It is stunning.

--

Q: Is the scene with Egwene in the water about her One-Power / Wisdom testing?

Rafe: I can answer that question at the end of the Season.

--

Q: What’s your favourite aspect of the WoT series?

Rosamund: My Warder. (awww!)

--

Q: How much will Season 1 cover? Book 1 or spread accross several? Looks amazing!!!

Rafe: Season One will cover Book One, plus some of Book Two and even Book Three. But also not all of Book One, as some of it is in Season Two. Cryptic enough?

--

Q: How may nightmares did that flaming Fade give you?

Rafe: Not many, as I will always remember him as Dan, who was spinning in circles on his horse on a Slovenian mountain doubling the Westwood.

Rosamund: His very feminine lips, concealing rows and rows or teeth give me nightmares… And don’t get me started on the skeleton mask his horse wears.

--

Q: What excited you the most about this series?

Rosamund: The amazing cast and the bond we all have!

--

Q: For Rosamund: Is this your first time acting with CGI effects? Is it harder than expected?

Rosamund: It was great. I did a full body scan on day one and then I never had to show up!

--

Q: For Rosamund: What was it about this story that spoke to you and made you want to play such an amazing female?

Rosamund: The way women of the Aes Sedai harness the elements of the universe to unleash incredible power: that interested me a lot. Playing an amazing female is always better than playing a mediocre female.

--

Q: Which parts of the trailer are you most excited for the fans to see the full version of in the show and why?

Rafe: I’m really thrilled for fans to see more of Winternight.

Rosamund: Shadar Logoth, the city where you really feel how the dark is a material substance that chases and consumes. The visual effects and the extremity of this sequence haunts me.

--

Q: How do you expect us to work today?

Rafe: Don’t! If I’m your boss, you have the day off.

Rosamund: I expect you to focus, and do your best as always. Sincerely, headmistress.

#Wheel of Time #WOTonPrime #Rafe Judkins #Rosamund Pike #Q&A

[hockeywhy]

caught in the middle (2); m. barzal

PART 1 | PART 3 | PART 4 WARNINGS: language; there’s a suggestive scene in one of the flashbacks, but nothing more than that. WORD COUNT: 8.1k A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read the first part! Your feedback got me so excited to continue working on this, and I hope you’ll enjoy this part also. I’ve been thinking about the story so far and its development, and I don’t see it ending at three parts like originally intended, so let’s see how it goes. Again, sections in italics represent flashbacks.

You swipe a palm across the mirror, brushing some of the condensation away and heave a sigh at your reflection. From beyond the door, you can just barely make out the sound of footsteps across the parquet of the living room accompanied by what was undoubtedly the slide of suitcase wheels. The room is otherwise quiet, no television on or music to provide a distraction or perhaps a little more noise and now more than ever, you know what it means when they say silence can be deafening. It makes you feel more exposed, anxiety heightened as if you should do anything in your power to try and lighten the mood but you’ve had countless of experiences in which trying too hard rarely paid off - if ever, really. Mat hadn’t said much either aside from letting you know you could have the bed as the couch could be converted into one and there were spare pillows and covers stored neatly in one of the cupboards, so you simply thanked him then called dibs on being the first to shower. 

It isn’t running away, you remind yourself, head bowed. It’s buying some extra time. 

Not only is this the first time in months you are to be in Mat’s presence for longer than a few minutes, but this is also the first time you and Mat would spend the night separated by a wall when previously, you couldn’t seem to be able to get close enough to one another. Before this, enough wasn’t quite enough. Before this, you’d count the minutes to when you could get home and be with Mat. It’s strange to be so close to him, to need to be so close to him, and yet neither of you can find comfort in that any longer. 

You squeeze your eyes shut tightly until you see stars behind them, then open them a few seconds later and blink away the brief daze. Like a presenter about to walk on a stage in front of thousands, you take a deep breath and exhale it quickly before proceeding to replace the towel around your body with one of the hotel issued robes.

You crack the door open just a little, briefly taking a peek of Mat right as he begins wrestling with opening the couch. There’s more grunting and turning one way or the other to peek at the inner mechanisms than there is actually succeeding in stretching it out and you can’t help the feelings of guilt that course through you. But it’s not like you can imagine being in the same bed as him again and trying to check for any additional spare rooms with reception is entirely out of question. There’s no way you’d be able to do that without anyone catching on to that and questioning it. This isn’t the weekend for it, after all. The last thing you need is to take or share the limelight. 

Mat must’ve felt your presence because he turns to look at you over his shoulder, and he takes that as a cue to give himself a break from wrestling with the couch. He huffs tiredly, standing up and brushing his palms against his jeans.

“All yours,” you say, stepping away from the bathroom door, the clothes you wore on the drive over held closely against your chest. “No luck with that yet?” 

“I’ll have a look at it later,” Mat responds, frowning down at the couch.

He stands rooted to the spot looking down at it as if it offended him, hands on hips and all, while you look at him glued to your own space halfway between the bathroom and the door to the bedroom of the suite. In a manner you can’t quite explain, it feels almost as if time stops in place because of course, your luck is that bad apparently: heaven forbid it would’ve done that at a better time in your life. He appears to be lost in thought, so despite yourself, you make the most of this moment. 

You look at his profile and recall how many times you cradled his head in your hands, pulling him in to kiss him: his cheeks, his forehead, his mouth, lips trailing along the line of his jaw. You think of the countless times in which his lips pressed against yours and every inch on your body and recall how his voice emanated warmth and love, and during those moments, you thought nothing and no one would be able to tear you apart from each other. You look at his hair and if you truly take the time to focus, you can easily recall the texture of those strands, just the perfect length for your fingers to twirl and play with, and how you would often detect notes of vanilla, coconut and something flowery - you shampoo, because he loved it so much. Your eyes trail down the expanse of his torso and remember the countless times his body was pressed against your own and how each and every time you thought this is where I’m safest. You look at his hands and still feel the softness of them upon your own and even know, you can still picture the way your fingers interlocked with his own and they fit perfectly. 

A shortness of breath makes you cough quietly, eyes blinking rapidly at the sudden blurriness and before Mat can look your way, you quickly cover the distance to the room and the door latches closed behind you with a soft click. 

Palms pressed against your mouth to muffle any sounds, you squeeze your eyes as tightly as you can and slide down against the wood until you’re down on the floor and pray to whoever or whatever may be listening that Mat can’t hear the sobs you’re trying so hard to hold back despite this battle having been lost before you even had a chance to stand against it.

You know now as well as you knew it back then: you miss Mat and you love him, and you’re terrified that a time when all of these feelings will be nothing but dull memories will never come.

*

“Holy shit, that was cool.” 

Mat shifts his body, turning so that he can prop himself up on his forearms, one on each side of your body. You look down at him, fingers falling out from his hair and he arches an eyebrow.

“I can do that with my eyes closed,” he declares.

You blink, a little confused, and then it dawns on you. “Pff.” A short laugh leaves your mouth and that seems to prompt Mat to narrow his eyes at you. Two can play the game, and you’re a pro at keeping up with him. “I mean, you say you can but you didn’t score a goal like that yet, so what makes you so sure?” 

On TV, the commentators pour praise on the unique between-the-legs goal scored and you make an entire show out of admiring the replay, whistling quietly. Mat gently tips your head away from the TV and he continues holding on to your chin to prevent you from looking away a second time. 

“Mark my words, baby. I’ll do it at our next game and then you’ll see. It’ll be ten times cooler,” he promises, determination backing his every word and it makes you grin because you know Mat is a man of his word and you can already imagine him trying his damnest to make that happen. 

Still, you hum contemplatively, not quite wanting to give in to him so quickly. You know Mat’s playful display of ‘jealousy’ was nothing but a front. It was one of his many ways of saying look at me or give me attention, any variant of an indirect way of asking you to reiterate your love towards him simply because he loved hearing the reassurance. Not that you could imagine feeling any other way towards him; not that you’d want to have it any other way. That, and, well, Mat could be a bit of a baby sometimes. 

“Do that,” you begin, and this time, it’s your hand under his chin, encouraging him to come closer, closer, closer until his warm breath collides with your own, “and I’ll make your congratulations, you’re so cool award the most unforgettable one so far.” 

You know your words would put a gleam in his eyes, that unmistakable hitch of his breath and the curve of a smirk on his lips. He crawls a bit further up until he’s almost nose to nose with you and instinctively, you raise a leg and wrap it over his waist, squeezing a little. He’s close enough, practically glued to you, but it’s the first evening you get to have him all to yourself after weeks of away games and you want all of him. As does he. Mat leans down to peck your lips once, twice, three times and he whispers an ‘oh yeah?’ that makes goosebumps form across your skin. 

“Mhm,” you hum and this time, you crane your neck to kiss him, arms wrapping around his neck, fingers gently grazing along the back of his neck. He trembles ever so lightly in your hold and you know that has nothing to do with the temperature in the apartment because it’s warm, just right. “Do it for me, Mat. Show off.” 

He laughs quietly against your lips and he begins trailing kisses from your jaw to the side of your neck and you tip your head back for him, eyes fluttering closed as a content sigh leaves your parted lips. There’s a shift of material and moments later, Mat’s slightly calloused palms crawl underneath the t-shirt that was once him but you claimed as your own months ago. It’s big around you, sleeves coming up to your elbows and you know that his last name is written in big bold white letters on the back although it’s pretty washed out now. His lips are now on your exposed stomach, butterfly kisses peppering your warm skin and you bite your lip while watching him do this. Strands of unstyled jet black hair tickle as he moves and you giggle quietly. It’s the sound of it that makes Mat look up and there’s a wicked smile on his lips. Moving swiftly, he sits back on the couch and pulls you to straddle his lap, body yielding to him before he gives you the control. Do what you want, however you want it. 

It’s your turn to slide your hands under his shirt and he doesn’t hesitate to stretch his arms up so that you can remove it for him, discarding it wherever it may fall. You slide your thumb against his lower lip and Mat barely just manages a chaste kiss to it before you lower your head down to kiss him and his lips part, the movement automatic. It’s the sort of kiss that’s sloppy and hot and you know you’ll remember it for days; hell, he’ll remember it for days, asking you to do that thing you did in the early hours of the morning or long after the sun has gone down or bringing it up over the phone when it’s just him and no one else in a hotel room hundreds of miles away from home, missing everything that has to do with you.

“Fuck,” he exhales, breathless and flushed once you both part from the kiss. You can’t help but grin proudly at how his eyes flutter closed and he stills in your arms though you know adrenaline pumps through his body the same way it does through yours. “I don’t think I can make it to the bedroom,” he admits and you burst into laughter. 

“Yeah, no shit,” you agree and just to make a point out of it, you relax your body so that you’re sitting back on his lap and there’s no mistaking whatsoever that he’s hard. “Well, there’s no rush anyway. We have all the time in the world, and an entire place to ourselves so…” you trail off, lifting a shoulder in a shrug. 

Mat opens his eyes and moves his hands from your hips to cradle your face, holding you in place to peck your lips. “So, I’m gonna love you so hard, it might just give that award of yours a run for its money.” 

You arch an eyebrow, pulling back enough so that you can tug the t-shirt over your head, dropping it to join his. “Walk the talk, Barzy,” you say.

He didn’t need any more encouragement than you already gave, but your words kick him into action almost instantly. 

*

A sharp thwack sound catches your attention and you look over in the distance to where Mat looks off in the distance while Tito prepares for his turn. It’s too far for you to see where the ball went but judging by Mat’s reaction, it’s obvious he didn’t quite nail whatever he intended to do. Tito probably chirps him for it because Mat throws a punch at his arm that you know is so light that probably neither of them felt it. Still, they laugh and the sound barely just carries over to where you’re sat. 

“He’s like that now, but if you’d seen him before the two of you got here…” Elise trails off and you just about manage to see her shake her head as if words wouldn’t even be sufficient in describing how Tito was. Still, there’s just so much fondness in her expression as she looks towards him out on the golf course that it makes you warmer than the light fleece blanket you wrapped around your shoulders. 

“You’d think it’d be the other way around,” you say.

“You’d think!” Elise repeats. “The past two mornings, he got up at who fucking knows when and went for a run. Not even a casual jog or whatever, but you’d think he’s been training for the Olympics.” 

You burst into laughter at the image that forms in your head of Tito being so full of nervous energy that he becomes the metaphorical lion in a cage. Still, it doesn’t surprise you as much as you thought it would. While away, you and Tito have been in contact occasionally either through texts or through the phone and often, he’d begin by saying “what do you think she’d say to XYZ”. He never failed to amuse you because many of his concerns were so small, but you could only imagine what it’d be like to be in his shoes: they were about to tie the knot and this isn’t exactly a day to day type of event. Elise was at that point also, back when preparations for it were just kicking off and most of their days consisted of appointment after appointment with wedding planners that occasionally made her feel as if she’d never be able to pick from all the choices laid out to her. With the day just around the corner, she seems more content, more relaxed. Of course, her nerves are still there but Elise has the sort of air around her that puts you under the impression it wouldn’t be impossible for her to conquer the world in the next hour if she suddenly decides to. 

You reach for your drink, twirling the straw around the glass before taking a sip from it. The tang of citrus is refreshing but you do need a quick sip of water to mellow the sharpness of alcohol mixed in. 

“Want to bet he’ll be the one crying when he sees you walk the aisle?” you ask her, wiggling your eyebrows at her suggestively. 

Elise smiles, a small almost shy smile as she diverts her gaze towards her own drink. She takes a sip from it but she still smiles around the straw. “Let’s hope I don’t start first and end up tripping on my way there.” She physically cringes at the thought of it, eyes squeezing shut and shoulders trembling before she quickly waves her hands as if trying to dismiss the idea. “Oh god, no, I can’t think of it otherwise it’ll happen.”

“You’ll be fine,” you assure her, reaching to grasp her hand and Elise welcomes the gesture, squeezing your own in return but still holds on to it as if for dear life. “I promise. It’ll go by so smoothly and everything will be perfect.”

“I’ll take your word for it. You’re usually right.” 

“Not always,” you correct her, lightheartedly while trying to prevent your mind from beginning a count of the amount of times you’ve been wrong. You don’t need that spoiling your mood or worse, the evening overall.

Elise ponders on that. “Actually, you’re right. Remember before you left and said Mat would be fine, he’s a big boy, after I said it’ll be hard for him to get used to it?” You swallow uncomfortably. Yes, you remember that. Clear as if it only happened yesterday. “Well, you were wrong about that for sure.”

Your mouth feels dry and it’s as if all energy has been sucked out of you suddenly, and all in one go. You don’t want to have this conversation and you certainly don’t want to look into this much more than you should. After all, you and Mat agreed you’ll put up a front so for all you know, he may just be a better actor than you imagined he’d be. Mat was only putting on an attitude everyone expected him to have and that’s all there is to it. You did it too, after all. When Elise would call or come down to Baltimore and Mat would come up in conversation, you told her how much you missed him; how even if you called and FaceTimed, it wasn’t enough. 

“So then come back,” she’d tell you. “It’s not like they wouldn’t want you back in New York, if it’s work related.” 

“Mat understands,” you’d push back each time. “Besides, he’s coming over this weekend,” you’d add and make a note to text him so that he doesn’t end up in some New York bar with Tito, Elise and other people when he should be in Baltimore instead. 

It was selfish and restricting, and you’d apologise for it but each time, Mat would brush it off without fail. 

It’s fine, he’d assure through text. I wanted an excuse to spend the weekend in, anyway.

“I’m sure he was exaggerating most of the time,” you tell Elise dismissively, carefully sliding your hand from hers as you lean back in the plush seat and pull the blanket a little tighter around your shoulders. 

You try not to look at Elise because you know the expression she wears: it’s serious; the type of look that she puts on whenever you try to make light of a serious situation, practically reading don’t lie to yourself and mostly importantly, don’t try and bamboozle me. It never works. Not with her. 

“Y/N.” Your name falls from her mouth sharply and you can’t help but direct your gaze back to her. “I don’t know Mat like you do, maybe not even as well as Tito does, but you’d think he was going through heartbreak when you left. Moping, I can put up with and distract from so believe me when I say that wasn’t what he was doing. You’ve seen his games, right? You saw how it even affected him on ice.”

You bite on your back teeth, jaw squaring. As much as you wanted to keep yourself away from anything to do with Mat, you couldn’t help but switch back to his games whenever they were on, doing some childish back and forth between channels. Mat did play differently. Still giving it his best, but aggressively; sometimes, he even fell for whatever bait the opposing team would throw at him in the form of chirps and you didn’t need to be a lip-reading expert to know he’d always respond. Once or twice, he landed himself in the penalty box for minor misconducts that seemed so out of character for him. 

“It’s fine now,” you say, in hopes of leading out of this subject. “I’m back in New York for a while, so it’s fine now.”

“Is it?” She asks, and you know this isn’t just because of what she saw of Mat without you. She questions it because she’s also seen you without Mat. “Was there… Uh. Was there more to it?” She cringes a little, and quickly tries to dismiss herself with a wave of her hand. “Don’t feel obliged to tell me if you don’t want to. It does seem like you guys are fine, but… You know I’m here for you, right?” 

You force a smile and nod quickly.

The first few weeks in Baltimore gave you a good taste of what your own personal little hell was like. You didn’t have Elise, you didn’t have Rachel, you had none of your closest friends and it felt like a lot of the after-work drinks you’d go on with your new colleagues were mostly out of your own desperation to stretch the day longer, essentially avoiding returning to an empty place. Generally, you adapt well to situations and people, but you were effectively trying to build afresh from the ground up and on bad days, the really awful ones when loneliness and heartache reared their ugliest faces towards you, there was no one for you to pour your most honest feelings out to. Several times, you wanted to reach out to Elise and come clean but it wouldn’t be fair. She was in the full swing of preparing for her wedding and the last thing you wanted to do is go crying to her. 

Of course, there was no Mat either. There was no Mat because there was no such thing as breaks in a relationship so you gave him the thing you were certain he tried to avoid voicing, but definitely referred to: a break-up. 

“No, nothing else to it than that,” you assure her, breaking your own train of thought while simultaneously giving yourself a mental pat on the back for the ease with which you weaved your story. “I mean, it’s been a bit weird to be apart over the period, especially since we didn’t know what’s to come, work-wise, but we’re fine now.”

“You two know best what’s good for the both of you and your relationship,” Elise says, “but take it from me: get away together if you can. It’s not easy, you know. Doing your own thing while he does his, progressing in what you’re both best at but sometimes, it gets to you. The distance, the days gone by with them on the road, the worry that maybe, just maybe, they’ll come back and they won’t be the same. I had that worry also once too, you know.”

The admission takes you by surprise. Elise laughs quietly at the sight of your slightly widened eyes because you haven’t heard this before. Sure, she told you of missing Tito while the Islanders were off to away games but she never truly admitted the thoughts coursing through her mind. 

“He never once gave me reasons to doubt him, but at the back of my mind, I’d be so worried. You know how the stereotype surrounding athletes goes.” She rolls her eyes, and you know exactly what she’s referring to. “Tito’s handsome and young and his face is on TV, but the fact that a man is taken hasn’t exactly stopped people before. I can’t tell you how many times I waited—no. Expected him to come back and be different, then tell me it’s over. Seriously, I lost track. One day, he called me out on it though.” She takes a break to sip from her drink and look out towards the golf course and you do too. It’s probably not long now before their game will be over. “He’d just gotten back the night before and to me, he seemed a little weird. Looking back on it, he was just exhausted. They didn’t have their best performance, but I didn’t even think of that. In my head, I already had this entire scenario planned that that was it.

“In the morning, I snapped at him. I wish I could just forget it now because it’s so embarrassing but I did it, and there’s no brushing that under the carpet. I was like, you were different last night and you were different through text. I told him he was acting different and when he asked what I meant, I said, you’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” She physically cringes at the memory and in your chest, your heart races. It’s almost identical to your own anxieties during those final moments of your relationship with Mat, and it seems as if you’re merely listening to someone recite your story back to you rather than their own. “Didn’t think of the games, didn’t think he might be down and distant because he blamed himself for some of the missed shots. Instead, I let my own insecurities get the best of me. I overlooked all we’ve done together so far, overlooked the simple fact that I had nothing to back up my accusation and instead, I took it out on him.”

“Elise… what the— you never mentioned this. When did all of this happen?” 

“Two years ago now, probably. We joke about it every now and then, but I couldn’t imagine telling anyone what happened. I felt so stupid after we dealt with it.” She sighs, shaking her head incredulously at the situation. “What we really needed was some time away. We left as soon as the season ended, renting out a little place outside of Montreal and we talked, Y/N. Not casual, day-to-day things, but he asked me where I see us going. I told him honestly, I don’t know and he said it’s not good enough and not fair for our relationship and us, individually. He’s the one who brought up marrying, after the dust settled.” 

The brief silence that falls between the two of you leaves your head buzzing with questions, with possibilities, with recollections of you-and-Mat but also of you and Mat during what would be your last moments together. There is a continuous string of what ifs rolling through your mind at such rapid speed that they blend in together until you can’t tell one statement apart from the next. You free a hand from the confines of the blanket, bringing it up to rub lightly at the side of your head while Elise stares off in the distance, a pensive look on her face. There are things she’ll tell you and others, and then there are things she will keep private for herself and Tito only, and you respect that. Still, you find the need of actually biting down onto your tongue to ask How?

How did you make it work? How did you talk with each other? How did you prevent a train wreck? How did you accept what happened, and got to this point? 

You blink and that’s when you realise tears built up in your eyes and when Elise focuses back to the present, you realise she is in a similar position. You both begin laughing, dabbing at your eyes.

“How did you manage to make each other cry?” 

The incredulity in Tito’s voice makes you and Elise burst into laughter again, louder and less tearful now.

While Elise assure Tito there’s nothing to worry about and dismisses the tears as being wedding related, Mat takes the seat next to yours on the small two-seater, throwing you a what happened look. You shake your head, rubbing lightly at your cheeks to brush away any remaining stray tears. 

“Wedding tears,” you confirm to him also because he doesn’t cease staring at you, and though it’s clear he’s not entirely convinced by that, it’s easy to let it slide. “Did you win?” 

Mat shakes his head and reaches for the water glass nearest to him. You don’t bother telling him it’s yours and figure it might come across as weird to the couple across from you anyway. “I let him win to give him a boost of confidence,” Mat tells you and snickers when Tito complains that it isn’t true.

Dismissing Tito’s effort at trying to shut that down, you hum quietly. “That sounds fair to me,” you tell Mat and then, to Tito, “did he let you win properly?”

Tito rolls his eyes while Elise lets out an ‘aww’ in consolation, and leans over to peck his cheek. “He put up a decent fight, I suppose. It’s been a while since he had this much energy, but he’s never been the best at golf.”

“He’s not the worst either,” you defend because you’ve always done that and it comes to you reflexively. You feel Mat’s eyes on you, but you keep yours carefully trained on the couple ahead. 

“You say that because you’re supposed to,” Elise argues and she leans comfortably against Tito’s side. He wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulls her closer to kiss the top of her head and when he looks back towards you, he grins proudly. 

You huff, then shift in your seat to look at Mat properly. “If I was bad at something, would you say I didn’t because you’re supposed to?” You ask, in an attempt to prove your point, and pitch your voice just a little to imitate Elise’s. 

“Are you bad at something?” He pitches his question like a rhetorical one and across from you, Tito and Elise coo over the response that sends a wave of heat through your body. 

You narrow your eyes at him, bumping your knee against his own. “I absolutely cannot stop properly on skates.”

“Oh.” Mat sighs, takes a sip of water and his shoulders slump. “Yeah, I forgot about that. Don’t tell me you still—“ You quickly knock your knee against his again, a silent warning which you doubt is the most subtle of ones, but Mat changes course smoothly. “After all those hours we spent on ice…” He shakes his head slowly in disappointment, but it’s not like you blame him or take it personally.

You lost track of how often Mat would carefully instruct you through making proper stops on ice, only for you to still end up relying on crashing against the barriers. Although you’d laugh at it time and time again, Mat would always freak out over it, flooding you with endless are you okay questions out of sheer fear you’d end up hurt.

“Sorry we can’t all be pros,” you mumble, eyes rolling but there’s no heat behind this: it’s lighthearted bickering, a conversation that flows easily and you let it go by like this, without overthinking it out of sheer fear you’ll end up spoiling it. 

You all fall into discussions revolving around the wedding, mostly focusing on the events leading up to it. It takes you back to months ago when evenings like these were almost regular. You, Mat, Elise and Tito would hang out either at each other’s places or somewhere out in town and you’d talk until one of you would realise it was the early hours of the morning. 

It’s easy to get swept back into the comforting feeling that brings you. So much so, that you don’t really think much of it when you open up your blanket and hold a half of it out to Mat, who accepts it wordlessly and settles in closer to you. Arm pressed again arm, leg pressed against leg, you can’t find it in you to pour energy into making a conscious effort of shifting in such way that you place some distance between the two of you without it being odd. You’re convinced neither Elise nor Tito are acutely aware of every minor shift in your body language or tone, but a part of you remains worried about it. So, you stay in your place and enjoy the extra bit of warmth Mat’s body next to yours provides and pretend what the two of you are doing is perfectly okay. 

*

“I can’t do it,” you sigh, unable to keep the frustration out of your voice as you glare down at your skates. 

“I couldn’t do it in one day either, baby, we just need to keep practicing,” Mat encourages you gently and he takes hold of your hands as he begins skating backwards, dragging you forwards. 

You throw your head back in frustration, occasionally giving yourself a bit of a push to keep up with him. “It’s not so bad though, using the barriers to stop.” 

Mat fixes you with a pointed stare. “Remember that time when you just zoomed across the entire rink and ended up—“

“No, no—“

“—with the worst bruise—“

“— we don’t talk—“

“— across your ribs—“

“— about it!”

“— because you crashed into the barriers?” Mat continues, letting go of your hands to skate backwards a little further. “Because I do, and I promised myself and you that it won’t happen again. It’s for your safety above anything else.”

You groan quietly, pushing forward to catch up to him. Mat stretches out his arms, letting you bump against his body once you reach him and you bury your head against his chest while you both come to a stop in the middle of the rink. You’re pretty certain that had you been on public ice, you would’ve had plenty of stares and disgruntled skaters passing by but to your luck, the ice at Nassau had an off-day from training so you and Mat were permitted to make the most of it. 

You and Mat often took to the ice and of course the level in skill was entirely different between the two of you, but you were grateful you knew enough to get by without making a fool of yourself in public. Then again, it’s not like you really had to worry about it much: Mat was always there by your side, even if you’d sometimes send him off to just enjoy it however he wanted to and you’d catch up to him eventually.

“I’m enjoying it,” he’d assure you without fail. “I’m with you, so I’m not missing out on anything.”

“You can be so unbelievably cheesy sometimes,” you’d tell him without heat because you loved it, and you were pretty sure he was well aware of it and considered it encouragement.

You pull away from him and he lets you go ahead while he trails behind you slowly. The silence between you is filled by the slashing of blades against the ice, the sound occasionally louder and echoing further whenever Mat pushes ahead with more force. You smile to yourself whenever you feel you can afford to draw some of your concentration away from your own skating to catch sight of Mat. Much to your displeasure though, a feeling of tightness forms in your chest and without thinking of it, you press a hand to your chest, rubbing against it lightly as if that might ease it but to no avail.

“What’s on your mind, baby?” Mat asks once he slows down and twirls on his skates so he skates backwards in order to face you. 

“What? Oh, nothing. I was only trying to picture how well you’d pull of figure skating.” 

Mat scrunches up his face a little. “Mh, not very well, I think, but nice try.” He reaches out for your hand and you let him take it so he leads you around the rink. “What’s on your mind really?” He insists. 

Bite the bullet, you think. Try it.

“Couple of work stuff, nothing that important,” you begin carefully and when Mat doesn’t respond, you press on. “Turns out our branch in Baltimore is looking to expand a little more. There’s been a consultation completed there and recommendations all point towards the potential for growth. There’s been a few talks in a few departments, including my own, about the possibility of uh, some people heading out there.”

Mat nods slowly, a contemplative look on his face. “Sounds pretty good for them, then. Do they have any idea who might be involved in that from your office?” 

“Not yet, and anyway, they’ll consult first with anyone who might consider relocating,” you inform him lightly, shrugging.

There’s no beating around the bush with Mat though. He reads you like an open book. “There’s no hockey teams there, huh?” 

You laugh softly, shaking your head. “Unfortunately, no.”

“And would you want to go there?” 

“Temporarily? I wouldn’t say no, honestly. I have a few ideas and I think they’d fit in great with a smaller but growing branch.”

Mat slows down carefully to not trip you or catch you by surprise and once you also come to a halt, he leans in to press a kiss to your forehead. “Give them just a taste of what you can do and they’ll want to keep you there.” 

“It’s rich of you to assume they wouldn’t go for someone in a more senior position than my own.”

“It’s rich of you to assume they’d skip out on you,” Mat parrots and you laugh softly. “It wouldn’t be so bad if you say so and it’s a temporary thing.” 

You ponder his words for a moment, humming quietly. You didn’t expect anything less from Mat: he’s always been supportive, ready to vouch for you and be the first to jump in your corner, but you can’t help but wonder if he’d stand by his words if you were to tell him there was more to it than that. Because a relocation wouldn’t mean a month or two. Maybe not even a half year. A relocation could very well be anywhere upwards of one year, but you don’t have the heart to tell him that just yet. Not when anything isn’t concrete, not when you’re hardly even sure this is a step you’d even want to consider.

You’ll cross that bridge if you get there. When you get there.

*

You roll on your back and huff quietly, throwing an arm over your forehead. The room is dark and you can barely just make out the metal shape of the spotlights dotting the ceiling, so you try focusing on one that gleams just a little more in the hopes that your eyes will start to feel heavy and finally, finally you can fall asleep. In your mind, you count to ten and when that doesn’t work, you count to twenty then try to thirty but stop at fourteen and sit up. You want to cry and the feeling of needing to do that overwhelms you, though that’s quickly replaced by frustration when even a single tear won’t blur your vision. It seemed like that came to you so easily throughout the day, but when you need it most in hopes of it exhausting you, it doesn’t happen. Naturally. 

Your gaze drifts towards the door which is just ever so slightly parted and in the silence of the night, you can make out the unmistakable creak of mattress springs shifting. It’s not a gentle movement though. It happens again just moments later and it’s as if your body responds to it without your mind consenting. Slowly, you tip-toe your way across the room and towards the door, thankful you don’t need to press down on the handle but rather, pull it ever so slightly so you can just see through the crack. 

The living room basks in darkness and the only clear light source comes from a digital clock on a mantle. The blue numbers indicate it’s just a little past one in the morning. The thicker curtains haven’t been pulled over the windows properly, so very low light from outside filters in, but barely just. Again, the mattress creaks and you shuffle sideways behind the door as if you’d be seen. There’s no chance of that happening whatsoever. Again, the creaking. Harsher now, more frustrated and you recognise your own routine over the past hour or so since you climbed in bed and called it a day. You lick your lips, eyes falling shut briefly and you barely just press your forehead to the cold door. Count backwards from five and on one, you pull open the door properly and step into the living room.

“Get in the bed, Mat.”

Silence. You rub at your forehead, a little irritated. 

“I know you’re not sleeping, so don’t try to pretend,” you tell him but your voice doesn’t quite pack the punch it should have. “That thing keeps squeaking and it’s keeping me up. Get in the bed, Mat.” 

“Just close the door if you can’t sleep,” he says. 

Huffing quietly, you step further in the living room and it takes a while for your eyes to get used to the darkness but soon enough, you can just make out Mat’s shape in the pull-out bed. He faces the windows, back towards you and you’ve no doubt the pull-out couch is sturdy and decently comfortable but you hate it. You hate the sight of it, you hate the idea of him in it, you hate everything about this. 

“Please, Mat. I…” you trail off, running both hands across your face before they drop to your sides with a noticeable smack sound. “I swear I’d still hearing the creaking through the walls. I can’t fall asleep with it, it’s driving me insane so please,” you plea, exhausted yet weirdly tuned into your emotions - and they’re all overwhelming. If you were wondering why you couldn’t cry just moments ago, it sure feels as if you’re standing right at the very edge of a breakdown right now. The timing couldn’t be worse. “Get in the bed, Mat,” you repeat once again, voice low and tired.

There’s a moment of stillness during which you stand there, feeling defeated and ashamed while Mat lies just ahead of you and you wonder what goes on through his mind. Not for the first time, you wish you had the power to hear it all regardless of how much worse it’d make you feel. And then, he moves. He sits up and there’s some shuffling of bedsheets, and moments later, he’s moving past you into the room with a pillow under his arm even if there’s plenty on the bed already. You allow yourself a brief second to draw in a silent breath of air then release it before following after him. This time, you circle around the bed frame because Mat settled on the right side. He always took the right side because that’s what you agreed on years ago.

You pull the bedsheets up to your nose and open your mouth ready to say something. But what more is there to say? 

“Do you ever think where it went wrong?” 

Mat’s question takes you by surprise and you swallow the lump in your throat uncomfortably. The it is more of a we, but it makes it feel just a little more impersonal though it doesn’t quite soften the blow it delivers. You wish you could curl into a ball, grasp the covers tightly around your body like a cocoon but you’re rooted to your place and the most you can do is grab at the sheets with your fingers tightly. If it wasn’t for the material, you’re convinced your nails would dig into your palms and leave half moons there that would hurt like a bitch. 

“I did,” you tell him, at last. 

“I do,” Mat admits without hesitating, without needing you to prompt him and you don’t miss the way he phrases it as if this is a thing he continues to do in the present. But his tone is calculated, detached and you can’t help but wonder whether that’s true or you’re about to let yourself get roped into a blame game you’ve already played before. 

You lost it, of course. But you try not to think about how bitter it felt. You think there might be something lodged in your throat, something that resembles an apology you owe him, but every time it feels as if you’ll let it slip past your mouth, invisible walls are built up and nothing gets past those. 

“I think I lost you somewhere along the way,” he continues because this is a thing that Mat does: he doesn’t let something slip past him so easily. Not always, anyway. “And I don’t think I did enough to meet you halfway.” A pause and you barely just shift under the blankets. Your arm brushes against soft cotton and belatedly, you realise that’s his spare pillow between the two of you. You really do hate everything about this. “I don’t think you did either,” he admits.

You have to give it to him: he has guts. And you really hate that you can’t bring yourself to let your own show, even in the dark. Especially in the dark, where your faces are hidden and your bodies are separated by a flimsy pillow and there’s a chance that you might both forget this in the morning or pass it off as a lucid dream. It’s a small chance, but existent nevertheless. 

“What good will it do us if we keep thinking about it?” You ask, but it’s directed more at yourself than it is to him.

Your mind betrays you by giving you the answer: it won’t change the past, but it may very well change the future. And your heart throbs rapidly at the thought and there’s heat in your belly and adrenaline in your veins, and there’s an explosion of what ifs coursing through your mind even if you know it’s too late. Because it must be, right?

“Let it go, Mat,” you tell him and shift under the covers, turning your back to him and curling up underneath the covers. “Go to sleep.”

He scoffs ever so quietly, but you pick up on the sound because there’s nothing else to distract you from it. “Right, sorry. I forgot you give up just like that now.”

You frown, glaring at the darkness ahead. “It’s not me giving up, Mat. It’s called me being rational about it.” You sigh, eyes closing and you press your fingers against them until you see stars behind them. “What are you hoping to get out of this?”

“Don’t know.” Mat sighs and the bed shifts. His voice sounds quieter and you wonder if he turned his back to you in return. “Maybe some proper closure, I guess. I wouldn’t call what happened then and what’s happening now a… what did you call it? A clean break?”

“And you want it now at like, what, one in the morning? Will that make you go to sleep?” 

“Dunno,” Mat murmurs and it’s obvious his voice is heavy with exhaustion. “Maybe.” 

You push down the memories threatening to squeeze their way at the forefront of your mind because you’d be at it all night without doubt. The silence lingers between you, undisrupted, and you manage to count to twenty five in your mind slowly before you carefully turn your head to look over your shoulder. Your heart jumps in your throat. Mat is on his side facing you and his eyes are closed. You can’t be certain that he managed to fall asleep but his breathing seems steady enough. Ever so carefully, you turn until you’re on your back again and cast your gaze upwards towards the ceiling. 

“I’d sleep, but probably not a great deal.”

Mat’s voice, silent as it is, catches you by surprise and you jolt ever so slightly. The movement doesn’t seem to disturb him though. He remains still as a statue and despite the darkness, you can’t find it in you to look towards him. It doesn’t mean your skin doesn’t tingle in that very odd way it does whenever someone looks at you. You close your eyes and throw an arm over them for extra measure. 

“Just go to sleep, Mat,” you whisper.

You blame not finding it in you to give him what he wants on the sudden exhaustion coursing through you, but there’s always tomorrow. If he insists on it, you can assure him there’s always tomorrow. 

But Mat doesn’t force the subject and soon enough, you feel your shoulder relaxing, your body settling against the mattress and a familiar lull pulls you away from consciousness. 

#mat barzal #mat barzal imagine #mat barzal fic #nhl imagine #nhl fanfic #nhl fic #*

[life-rewritten]

THE GIANTS OF THAI BL 2020 AKA SHOWS STEALING MY HEART IN NOVEMBER

UPDATE AND UPCOMING ANALYSIS NOVEMBER 2020

It's the moment I've been waiting for since the excruciating silence of Thai BLS during the lockdown. It's November, the month of thanksgivings, the month of pre-Christmas jitters, nanowrimo and the month that has finally made me realise we are so close to ending this godforsaken year. Still, most of all, November means that we are getting buttloads of shows that are about to take my breath away. This year has been such an exciting year for BLS because of the increasingly amount of companies and directors willing to produce and release different types of BLS. In this list, we have awaited sequels, delicious plotlines and shocking comebacks. But most of all we have lots and lots of romance and men. Which of these have you been waiting for? Let me know. Let's squeal about it. November is going to be so great!

Ratings: From 1 to 5 (1 being least excited to watch, 5 being most,) how excited am I to delve into these shows?

Shows already airing

1.I TOLD SUNSET ABOUT YOU/ INTERPRET, MY LOVE, WITH YOUR HEART

Genre/Themes: Romance, Melodrama, Coming of Age, Angst, Drama, Childhood friendship

Country: Thailand

Verdict: So finally I rise from the memories of poorly produced bls, and pains of bad acting, and toxic writings, and traumas of stiff actors and homophobic agendas to finally say that without a doubt. Nadao has produced another masterpiece after my other favourite (Non) BL; Greater Man academy. Nadao stuns me, and for a very long time, I couldn't understand that this was how everyone was feeling, one because I wasn't fully educated or in the know about the company, I only saw tv shows in Thailand that were produced by GMMTV and to be honest I didn't think there was anything else above that standard in shows apart from Lakorns and Movies. (I know Sacrebleu) Getting to know and watch Nadao shows has been an experience, and for BL, I am hooked and ready for what else they have to offer. The only qualms that prevent me from gushing about the show are how international fans are treated. It took me a very long time to forgive ITSAY for its subbing platform (and price range), and that's why I refused to watch it with positive feelings. After episode 2 though, I'd be a fool to hold on to resentment when there is no doubt that this BL (despite not knowing if it's a sad ending. I'd hate if it is but it wouldn't change anything) is the best BL of this year. With ridiculous, incredible production, outstanding breathtaking cinematography, beautiful and talented actors and writing so good it blows me away. Episode 2 left my heart in pieces, but in a good way, I haven't recovered from the angst.

Ratings: 4.5/5 Would have been a 5/5 if the pricing made sense but also I'm terrified about a sad ending which I won't be too happy about.

2. FRIEND FOREVER/ OUR LOVE IS SICK

Genre/Themes: Romance, Music, Coming of Age, Angst, Drama, Childhood friendship, Rich vs poor,  Bullying 

Country: Thailand

Verdict: It's a pity this show is not available for international fans. Because I think people would actually love this show the way I do. It's so precious, reminds me so much of my first ever BL Lovesick (made by the same production team so makes sense) but better. What can I say about this show, really adorable cast, actually so good on the screen, great chemistry, and good storylines that keep me hooked. I am so in love with surprisingly one of my favourite couples this year Tin and Sea. I have such a great time watching this show, and I enjoy also analysing and just piecing together some of the mysteries in the show. It's been so good so far, and I can't wait for more. The first episodes are a little slow-paced, but it gets better as you keep watching it. I'd advise you to watch the director's cut because that has all of the storylines in the episode instead of the tv version which is more censored and has a lot of deleted scenes that mess with the flow of the storyline. Still, one of my favourite Thai shows right now. 

Ratings: 4/5  I think 4/5 is a fair score just because of some confusion when trying to watch it internationally and getting the right version and I do think the story feels like a whiplash between the different styles of writing of the main two couples. Go watch this though if you haven't, dm me and I'll show you how. 

NON-THAI

3. GAYA SA PELIKULA

Genre/Themes: Romance, Drama, Comedy, Angst, LGBTQ+ Education, Contract relationship, Haters to lovers

Country: Philippines 

Verdict: Normally with verdicts, I have so much to say about a show, also when I analyse I can write essays and essays of information. When it comes to this show, I'm speechless. I'm in awe; I'm crying just even trying to explain how great this show is. How great Fridays are because of this show. How upsetting and damaged I am when the end of the episode occurs, I literally mourn waiting for the next episode the next week because it's too long. This show pulls you in, and it never lets you go. I'm mindblown by the writing of this show, mindblown by the acting, by the production, music, but most of all I have become a mess because of this meta in this show. I have cried so much because of how much I care about this show, the characters are all fleshed out, are so powerfully written, and emotionally tugs at your heartstrings whilst still educating and representing LGBTQ community fantastically. I don't know what we did to deserve a show like this. Maybe its because after years of waiting for something to finally show up and just be unproblematic and be so great with no questions, no confusions, no struggle, this show is just that. And I will be forever thankful to the whole team that brought this to us

Ratings: 5/5 I would give this more than 5 if I could. That's how much this show means to me. 

4. CHERRY MAGIC 

Genre/Themes: Romance, Comedy, Supernatural, Office drama, Slice of Life

Country: Japan

Verdict: Kurosawa and Adachi. That's it. That's the reason for the 5/5 stars when it comes to watching this show. First of all, I like Japanese romantic comedy shows, and anime, and manga. So seeing cherry magic come to life as this amazing form of that makes me so happy. Typically with Japanese BL, everything feels so serious sometimes, and then sometimes it feels too crazy and over the top. But Cherry Magic just feels like a warm hug when you watch it; you can't help your self but to smile and giggle at Adachi's adventures realising that he can read minds because he's a virgin at 30 years old. To add to that, he is given Kurosowa this incredible, amazing, wonderful non-toxic man who absolutely adores him and unconditionally is there for him. I just like what? Where do I get my own Kurosawa? Like it just feels so unfair haha. But really cherry magic is full of great acting, fantastic plot and unique as well. Every character is also written well, and all have interesting dynamics. We also have another side couple who is so funny and ridiculous but also just cute and heartwarming. I have a great time watching this show and the fact that it's ending on Christmas day? Already tells you what this show is, a gift and its a great one. 

Ratings: 5/5 I want my own Kurosawa. That's it. That's all I want Universe.

Shows Upcoming

5. THARNTYPE 7 YEARS OF LOVE

Genre/Themes: Romance, Drama, Comedy,  Mature, LGBTQ+ Representation, Internalised homophobia, Sequel

Country: Thailand

Verdict: This is a complicated show to gush about. First of all TharnType, the series in 2019 was one of my favourite shows that brought me back to this BL thing. I absolutely adore all the actors, and I also loved the storyline like I said before there's something about Mame's writing that I appreciate, I think most of her strengths is found in TharnType. Because of this, this sequel is one of my most anticipated show this year. However, I feel conflicted because I hate sequels. I hate couples having to go through the weird-ass, shallow, conflicts that just end up ruining the meaning of their previous show and leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth about the couple I once loved (Looking at you Together with me the next chapter still traumatised honestly). Enough of the negatives, Tharn and Type from the trailer looks like it's going to be a wild ride, I can even see the great chemistry that made me fall for MewGulf, and I'm so excited to see the new couples and characters. I also am so excited to see TECHNO again and laugh with him every Friday. We also know that the awaited wedding between our couple is also going to be in this show. And that's going to make me bawl like a baby. Let's hope we don't have too many toxic or troublesome storylines, let's hope we don't have too many breakups and fights (because that hurts so much seeing Mew cry) and let's hope we finally have a sequel that is better than its predecessor. 

Ratings: 4.5/5  This is how I feel about it, I don't think I can rate it as 5/5 because of all the worry and anxiety at what the storyline entails—still a great show to look forward to. 

6. MANNER OF DEATH

Genre/Themes: Romance, Crime, Mature, Angst, Drama, Mystery, Thriller, Haters to Lovers

Country: Thailand

Verdict: Think about it. Why wouldn't this be number one on everyone's list of upcoming BLS? We have the return of one of the best actors in this genre MaxTul the actual godfathers of Thai BL; we have an incredible team here with a director that has won multiple awards, with a storyline that is unique to Thai BL, we're getting crime, detective, mystery BL with mature characters who are not in university? As if that's not enough, we also have a really incredible plotline about this forensic doctor who falls in love with someone who we are not sure if we should trust because he could be a murderer! Like oooh yes please, the drama, the angst, the thrill?? I'm ready for this; I am so prepared to give my whole heart and attention on this show. I want it to be so good, to defeat the shows of 2019 that came and took our hearts away, to be the best BL ever. It's so difficult not to raise my expectations when it comes to this show when I know we have a great cast, great chemistry, non-stiff acting, and just a really non-toxic author as well. I look forward to this so much. Only issue/question? Where is the trailer? Hello WETV, where is our teaser? Why don't we know the date for when this is coming out? I want it out now. But I'll try and be patient okay? 

Ratings: 5/5 I can't think of how this show won't be good. And that's really worrying. But for now, I'll keep my expectations high and wait.

7. TONHON CHONTALEE 

Genre/Themes: Romance, Coming of Age, Angst, Comedy, Childhood friendship, GMMTV

Country: Thailand

Verdict: Podd and KHAOTHUNG, (my sun, my heart, my favourite person ever) Sorry just gushing over my two faves. GMMTV has shocked me this year with the announcement of this show. First of all, Khao gets to have a show where he's the main lead. I've been waiting for this, and I'm so proud and excited for him. Not only that obviously, but TonTonChontalee looks really good with a vibe of a  comedic spin to one of my favourite shows Theory of love. I am ready to see Podd act so stupid as Ton and at the same time sob when he finally realises that Chon is the one. I'm so ready to see Khao act his socks off, and the show looks so funny, so fun and just like the chemistry between two is definitely a winner. I cannot wait for this next Friday. And it also has Mike and Toptap! What's not to love? Seriously though I'm praying this is successful, and it helps both Podd and Khao to dominate GMMTV. Let's find out next Friday.

Ratings: 5/5 For Podd and Khaothung. Just worth the rating.

8. GEN Y THE SERIES

Genre/Themes: Romance, Drama, Comedy, Angst, 2moons Fanfiction, Haters to Lovers

Country: Thailand

Verdict: First of all 2 MOONS Reunion! What?? Very shocked to see this show tbh one because it's like a direct copy of 2moons the series; the same cast, the weird alternations to the same name, the same kind of plot as well. Channel 3 has finally decided to invest in BLs,  one of the biggest companies in Thailand, so the budget is high, the actors are known and famous, the production is good. This is so exciting to see. Also, 2moons was one of my favourite past BLs the whole time it was airing, and I had a massive affinity for Kimmon and Copter, so it's great to see them play their characters again but with a better budget and now glow up and grown. Their acting seems to have improved, Kit and Ming's storyline being the main focus is also really lovely to see. I also love seeing Bas and the other actors from other Bl series (The Moment actors) and I'm excited to know more about the new cast as well. So yeh this show has a great potential to win my heart as well, and the competition is not easy at all. But with a great company behind them and an exciting premise, this can also be a winner. 

Ratings: 4/5 I'm intrigued by this show, and I look forward to seeing what it brings.

November is such an exciting month for someone like me who just loves watching tv and analysing and just seeing romance bloom. These couples, stories and actors have a great potential to be the best things of 2020 so far, each of these shows holds evidence that they're worth paying attention to and honestly I've missed seeing Thai BLs that make me so excited so much. I've missed these actors, I've loved each and every one of them, and I can't wait to see them this month on my screen. What about you, guys? What do you look forward to? Who are your favourites? What are you worried about when it comes to these comebacks. Let's discuss.

#thai bl #bl drama #itsay #i told sunset about you #friend forever the series #cherry magic! #cherry magic #cherry magic! thirty years of virginity can make you a wizard?! #japanese bl #bl series #gaya sa pelikula #like in the movies #tharntype #tharntype 7 years of love #manner of death #tonhon chonlatee #poddkhao #gen y the series #wrpup #november #mewgulf #cwg