#negative space is defined by whats around it‚ it cant be about the notes you don't play if you don't play Any notes to begin with

[sunriseseance]

please,,, even if you dont answer this publicly i wanna know your In Depth Thoughts on fanon klaus and the issues w him bc i also have issues w fanon klaus but i cant put it in words

This got SO LONG, so I hope you meant it when you said you wanted in depth! Holy shit I sorta lost my mind on this.

In my early days as a bear-poker in this fandom, I described fanon!Klaus as that person who gets resurrected in a horror movie and comes back different. As an audience member, I can tell he's wrong, but nobody interacting with him directly seems to know this. I've also talked a little bit about Klaus and intelligence before, which plays into any discussion about fanon!Klaus, but I'll be more specific here. Before I get started, I wanna say that fandom is a fun space and I don't think anyone is *bad* for creating/enjoying fanon!Klaus, especially not for the third reason I lay out. I just think he's awful, and has some harmful roots that I doubt the people writing him even know about on a conscious level.

Okay, let's get into this. Because I'm me and Wittgenstein's early work that he later disagreed with has changed my entire way of interacting with the world, I'm gonna define my terms. Let's talk about what fanon!Klaus is LIKE before we talk about why I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM. Fanon!Klaus is a happy, stupid, sweet, childish, bubbly, luminous free spirit. He wears bubblegum pink skirts and he cries when Diego eats his cookies. He doesn't know what numbers are, he can't count, he can't walk and chew gum, he thinks that Africa is a country, he forgets that homophobia exists, he doesn't know that drugs are bad for him, the list goes on (These are all real examples. Can you tell what part of fanon annoys me the most?). He cries at the drop of a hat, and doesn't understand his place in the family. He'd move heaven and earth to help the people around him, and he'd never be mean to anyone but Luther (and even then just barely) He constantly needs attention, supervision, etc. He makes jokes about modern memes and listens exclusively to pop music. He's really damaged but it's only because nobody Took Care Of Him and he needs someone to Rescue Him.

Canon Klaus is mean, and quick, and sharp, and miserable, and hiding, and funny because you're laughing WITH him, and an old soul, and a goth, and chronically apathetic, and selfish, and so fucking smart, and acutely aware of just how much he matters to other people. He makes rape jokes, he figures out how to get info on the eye while high out of his mind, he speaks like 10 languages, he listens to Nina Simone, he uses people's inherent fear of the dead to buy himself time, he finds the perfect story within the dead to cause a rift, he tells Luther TO HIS FACE that he doesn't care if the world ends. Klaus is a fascinating study in queer trauma, and robbing him of these traits is a complete disservice to yourself AND the character.

I say this often about fanon!Klaus, but WHO IS THIS??? Like…. Okay, if I gave you this list and you didn't know it was about Klaus, would you think it was? I think he's literally unrecognizable. He's not any of the things I know or love about Klaus. He's nobody to me, except a nuisance wearing the same skin suit and clogging the tags. He is also, weirdly, the most popular character in the entire fandom. I wanna think about why, and I have 3 theories that I think can all be true separately or simultaneously instance to instance.

First, fanon!Klaus exists because of internalized homophobia, classism, and anti-addict rhetoric. I think that on some level people don't believe addicts, feminine queer men, or homeless people are capable of intelligence. I think people see Klaus's canonical positive traits and they sort of throw them out the window because they don't make sense with their world view. A queer addict is a helpless tragedy, and he's someone that needs rescuing by Kind Strong Dave. A queer addict can't be smart, because then he wouldn't be an addict. A queer addict can't be wily, or interesting, because then he wouldn't be an addict. Fandom sees a feminine queer mlm and knows he should be in a sparkly bubblegum pink skirt, and saying "dahling" or "wig" or whatever else all the time. They know he should be bashful and submissive and always falling into the arms of Kind Strong Dave who protects him from Evil. They also know he should really, really like Britney Spears, and not give a shit about Nina Simone.

Second, fanon!Klaus exists because people want to excuse negative behavior in their favorite characters. Klaus is selfish and mean and apathetic. He just is. These are flaws that haunt him, and define a lot of his interactions. These are, also, pretty tough flaws to excuse (which… Hey…. I have a solution for that). I think that fanon Klaus, who just doesn't GET that he's being mean, and is too stupid not to become an addict (I don't think addiction is a flaw, but I do think that addiction plays into this), and is too out of touch and childish to understand that he shouldn't just fucking leave, comes from a place of wanting Klaus to be a good person who does good things. I'm sorry, but he isn't. Not always. I think the impulse to make him constantly sweet and constantly stupid comes from wanting Klaus's actions to be fundamentally excusable. He can't help it! He's just too much of a useless twink to know that it's bad to lie! (also, side note, fanon!Ben comes from this side of fanon!Klaus. In canon, Klaus is self destructing on purpose and Ben's presence helps…. Maybe, possibly, twice. In fanon, Klaus is just stupid and he needs a babysitter and that is Ben, the motiveless, endlessly loving but Exhausted braincell holder. This is fucked up on many levels. Ben is an asshole, and we all need to get used to that idea quick).

The third and final reason is that fanon!Klaus is… More fun, in the traditional sense of the word. Fanon!Klaus seems like he comes from a very emotional romcom or sitcom or something. He's like a barbie. He's fun to play dress-up with. He's fun to make incorrect quotes about. He's fun to write about, especially when it's about his siblings herding him or coddling him. Good ol' useless, loveable Klaus. I think this is partially because Klaus is a pretty fucking heavy character. He's a traumatized homeless queer drug addict, and that's sort of hard to make jokey fandom content about. Not impossible, I don't think, but not easy. This isn't to say that angsty fandom content isn't guilty of fanon!Klaus, though. It absolutely is. Often when Klaus willingly shares his feelings, or cries in front of someone, or asks for help for something more intense than tying him to a chair, it's fanon!Klaus. Hell, any time he GETS rescued it's teetering into that territory. He's still completely devoid of all of the grit and intrigue of canon, but he's fun to write about, and fun to project onto, and fun to rescue. He's also EASIER to write. People know that Klaus is a funny character, they know they laugh when he's on screen, but it is WAY harder to write a character you're laughing with than it is to write a character you're laughing at. It's WAY easier to write a character who moves your angst plot on by asking for help, or necessitating rescuing, than it is to work out how these things would happen without initiation. I get it, and in spite of the length of this, I don't think it's the end of the world.

I guess as I close this out, I would remind everyone that Klaus is smart, and mean, and over 30 years old. He's not a babe in the woods, or a damsel in distress, or a useless silly junkie twink. I promise that the real Klaus is worth the time and effort it takes to engage with him.

#the umbrella academy #klaus hargreeves #Answered #Um #Fandom criticism #Rape cw

[relaxxattack]

me: *is about to go to sleep* *sees the ran and jackie classpect post* *rises from my bed and looks at the notes i have* well if i must <3 (warning this is long as hell im sorry KXNSKBS i spent. two hours on this. it is 2am in my timezone now)

jackie is a breath player through and fucking through. a focus on self satisfaction, finding a quest and going after it, being so focused on the positive that he can see a negative thing happen and go "oh well, thats unfortunate. anyways," (think how he hears that ran probably died and just went "aw i liked him" then just sort of. keeps going anyways. picks one thing to really dedicate himself to it and sticks to it, shows negative reactions when they happen but doesnt dwell on them (whether out of discomfort or something else). basically, jackie is all of tubbos breath influence without any of the space influence. accidentally winning just because he really was just that damn dedicated

classwise, jackie is.. a bit difficult to get a handle on, if only because hes very breath like, but at the same time while he seems unconcerned with the idea of losing ran, he still very much so *wants* ran. its that want of a connection, of even just one person to keep around, that takes away the possibility of jackie being a class that would make him detach himself from others at will. hes not a class that would make him desperate for someone to help him take a certain direction, really he seems to want to take others in the same direction he already chose. he also accepts being tethered to one place/thing, he just wants to have freedom w how he goes about it, and it seems like its been this way for a while. ssoooo i want to say witch of breath. manipulating breath or through breath. strong personalities, friendly but terrifying and a force to be reckoned with, knowing what they want and, if healthy, how to get it. often pulling others along for the ride. generally, jackies a healthy witch of breath. he wants someone to show the same freedom he has, but knows he has limits and tethers and works with them, and ultimately hes not too pressed when he cant get his way fully. generally- jackie knows whats going on and what to do about it, but hed rather have fun with it all and show others how fun it all is too

now. ran. this is unfortunately difficult because ran didnt get as much screentime as was planned. L. anyways aspectwise hes definitely one of the ones that thinks theres not really a meaning to life (think of how he just goes "well this place is going down anyways". he doesnt care what choices are taken, hes already real fuckin sure of the end result. cocky bitch). hes not one about facades or selves, bc its rather clear that his blunt and coolguy attitude is, kind of just him, and he doesnt seem interested in deconstructing how others work, just interested in seeing how events play out. i want to say that ran is either void, time, or doom. void fits rans secrecy and overall "irrelavance" (in the sense that he doesnt seem to have contributed anything, not really), but void players are more angsty about how things dont matter rather than accepting it. which leaves time and doom. ultimately, id say time. doom players arent cocky in the right way </3. also just, yknow, the whole possible time traveler ran thing, the drama, the bluntness, internalization, the end of things, fake deep metaphors, etc etc. does mean that there really has to be a focus on the right class to truly pin him down, because most classes when paired with time are more emotional than ran is

so.. rans class. after a lot of deliberation, my main two thoughts are either a maid or a page. however, page means that before the pit, ran didnt have a good grasp on his aspect and after a long while of self awareness training does now, while maid means that either before or during the pit he relies on others to define his aspect. either way, he has a good grasp on it, but its clear that hes not letting himself really be free with it. this is why i want to say maid, because pages are sort of like starting with a disadvantage and just continuing with it even though you could probably fix it if you really tried, but youd rather just focus on what you have and being the best at it. maids are about growing into what you could have. doing what theyre expected at first and getting their aspect from somewhere else. they dont like being passive, but its what gets them the best results, right? but what defines a maid is getting out of that stage, of standing up for themself and defining their aspect for themselves and getting it by themselves, stubborn and becoming powerful and often terrifying, almost more than a witch if they do it correctly. so, basically, rans an aradia kinnie, hes just in his aradiabot phase right now. if he let himself get past that stage though, i think hed be happy

so basic summary: jackie understands that he has limits and tethers and focuses on what freedom he does has, and wants to have someone to experience that freedom with, and is a witch of breath. ran is leaning into the whole "its all hopeless anyways" because those that he relies on define it as such, but he has the potential to be happy and reach his full potential if he just lets himself choose his own path for once (and one thats not unhealthy), and is a maid of time. ultimately its why they work well together, once jackie gets ran to choose to be free with him, theyll both be happy. jackies already at his full potential, and has the power to get ran to choose to reach his full potential as well. bada bing bada boom baby really shows how much absolute Bullshit goes into classpecting because with fuckin classpecting terms you really can squeeze the hell out of characters with 1-2 sentence blurbs of characterization at most. white boys have ruined my life, zayne -🎭🎪

OH MY FUCKING GOD DUDE THIS IS SO GOOD

i will actually be stealing all of this for the fic, thank you so much oh my god. this is pretty much the only real good ran and jackie analysis to exist, im going to fucking scream and cry this is awesome

i hope you have SUCH a good sleep you deserve it

wow i cant express how thankful i am for this

(i find it really interesting that both ran and jackie seem to have an end-of-the-world-nothing-matters mindset, but different ways of going about that... genuinely can’t wait to explore that and then let them naturally develop, because hell yeah dude)

#ran and jackie #fave

[nonbinaryresource]

Hey so I lately had this problem. A friend is helping me figure things out (she is doing so much research I love her) and she found this thing called dismorphia. And like I cant stand my chest, its feels like its a seperate thing thats not part of my body, but stays there. So I'm like struggling to figure out if I'm actually genderfluid or if I'm just dismorphig about my chest and like dressing masc. Cause the rest of my body is like ok and even tho i want top surgery I dunno if i wanna take T

So, standard disclaimer that a) I’m no in way a medical professional, and b) strangers over the internet cannot diagnose you, but I do have to say that your very short description here (”And like I cant stand my chest, its feels like its a seperate thing thats not part of my body, but stays there“) sounds 100% like dysphoria. It doesn’t even sound like comorbid dysmorphia to me.

It’s very easy to get overwhelmed with too much (and often very extraneous and unnecessary) information when researching something personal that you’re desperate for answers for - and even more so when someone who can’t personally experience what we’re actually experiencing is helping us find information. So I just wanna help clear up some confusion as to some meanings here.

Gender dysphoria - unease/dissatisfaction/discomfort/unhappiness/disconnect regarding being referred to as/thought of as a certain gender(s)

Gender dysphoria can be split further into different categories of how they experienced, such as physical (unease/etc. regarding aspects of one’s body, such as feeling some body part doesn’t belong or that some body part is missing), social (unease/etc. at the name/pronouns/titles/gender people use when they refer to you in social circumstances), and mental (one’s own personal disconnect/unease regarding thinking of themself as a certain gender/s or having to act as a certain gender).

Gender dysphoria can manifest through dissociation/depersonalization, anxiety, depression, unhappiness, physical discomfort like itchiness or the feeling of wanting out of your skin, and the like.

Body Dysmorphia - a mental illness where one obsessively fixates on some aspect(s) of their body which they view in a negative, distorted light

This often involves spending large amounts of one’s day stuck looking in the mirror and/or taking (often harmful) action to “fix” the body part one is fixated on

Important differences to note here are that dysmorphia is a mental illness (considered a part of the OCD type disorders) while dysphoria is not (it’s largely a result of societal treatment towards trans people).

As well, an important distinction is that in dysphoria, the person has a fairly human, realistic view of their body/gender/how they’re read and how that doesn’t align with how they actually feel/identify and that’s what causes the unhappiness. Ex. “I don’t/have [body part] and that’s not how I expected my body to grow/wanted by body to grow”In dysmorphia, the fixation object is seen in a distorted, unrealistic way. They are unable to see the body part how it actually appears no matter how many people - including doctors - describe it differently to them. There’s also often a component of feeling like something is so medically wrong, there’s an obsession with fixing it, which could be through things like unhealthy amounts of time working out, eating disorders, and multiple trips to the doctor to get their “physical issue” diagnosed.Ex. “I have the biggest, most crooked nose I’ve ever seen; I must have some deformity or growth issue a doctor should address”

I do understand how it can be easy to conflate these two experiences considering both can take up a lot of headspace and involve going to great lengths to fix/modify the object of unhappiness. Things can be further confused by the fact that dysphoria and dysmorphia can exist comorbidly. To help, here’s a bunch of personal accounts of these experiences.

What it’s like to live with dysphoriaDysphoria essayIllustrations of dysphoria

What it’s like to have dysphoria and dysmorphiaBody image with dysphoria and dysmorphiaDysphoria vs Dysmorphia

What dysmorphia is actually likeHow I realized I have dysmorphiaList of multiple dysmorphia experiences

Okay, ALL that being said, there’s a larger “issue” I see in your ask that I think is holding you back. Don’t worry! This is extremely common, especially in the asks we get here about questioning. No doubt it’s because focusing on something concrete and non-abstract like body parts seems so much easier, less confusing, and less overwhelming.

But remember: gender =/= your body configuration. Gender is not defined by your genitals nor your pronouns nor your name nor your amount of suffering (hey, cis people can also experience dysphoria and not all trans people do experience dysphoria) nor whatever medical intervention you desire or not.

Gender is much more innate and abstract than that. Gender is a gut feeling. Gender is a mental and psychological experience. Gender is something within you and so much bigger than something as simple as what body you have or want. Gender is something you do introspection on and look within and trust how you feel. Gender is impacted by the society you grew up within in that society influences our view of what gender is and what it looks like, and that can make it hard to sort out our own, inner feelings, but it’s something you have to look within to determine.

Instead of trying to pin down [x] and [y] and [z] aspects of yourself to plug into some equation to determine if you’re [gender], give a shot to trying out a label, sitting in it, and connecting with how you feel about that.

What does it feel like to identify as genderfluid to you? Do you want to identify as genderfluid? Do you think you want to identify as genderfluid? Does it make you happy? Comfortable? Safe? Does it make sense to identify as genderfluid to you? Does genderfluid help you communicate how you feel to others? Do you connect with the shared experiences of other genderfluid folk? Do you feel a connection to or sense of community with other people who identify as genderfluid?

If you answered yes to any one of those questions, that’s an excellent sign that you’re genderfluid! Sometimes it can take days to weeks to months even to years to come to a final decision about these feelings, but it often does require giving yourself just a little time to come around to the idea of identifying as [gender] so you can truly explore what it means to you beyond the possible initial, defensive reaction of “it can’t possibly be me” due to cisnormative and cissexist reasons (like “I didn’t know when I was young, so I can’t be trans” or “I’m obviously just trying to feel special”, etc.).

It’s confusing, but give yourself time and space to think about it - you’ll sort it out and figure out what makes you most comfortable! It’s also awesome that you have a good friend to talk things through with. =)

~Pluto

#mod pluto #dysphoria #dysmorphia #questioning #labels #identity #definition #link #source #ref #reference #long post #mod tera #anonymous #ask #answered #asked #nonbinary

[actualbird]

yo you totally made me think about low empathy michael and it like totally makes sense and i think about it a lot when i listen to two player game bc ye like he OBVIOUSLY cares a lot about jeremy and he loves him and like jeremy's stating his problem and michael keeps saying the same solution cause like "that's the answer bro, don't be down" bc he cant wrap his head around the emotions and connect w them that well so in his mind he's just saying this completely fool proof solution i love this hc

yo i got this ask while balls deep in three books of discourse analysis i could only understand by like 10% but because of that was in the mood to just. keep thinking my brain in circles.

so heres a stupidly long answer cataloging canon instances of michael being low empathy af/exhibiting other traits related to this. along with like, characterization to extrapolate from that (at least by my own personal interpretation. obligatory disclaimer that how i see characters is not law, this is just My Take). 

but before that, im gonna define some terms outright so we’re all on the same page. empathy is a person’s capability to understand and feel what others are feeling. basically how well you can put yourself in somebody else’s shoes. this shouldnt be confused with sympathy, which is feeling compassion, pity, sorrow etc. for another. empathy is recognition/replication while sympathy is more on the caring about it. here i focus on empathy and the lack of it. 

im not an expert on Anything but speaking from experience as somebody who has very low empathy, this causes some complications. when you dont feel what others are feeling, sometimes you dont notice other people’s feelings at all. this results in stuff like bluntness, trouble reading social cues, insensitivity, etc. all things that 1) may happen unintentionally, 2) can be worked through via healthy communication, 3) are not inherently bad, just a result of how one reacts to external emotions and 4) things i totally think michael exhibits because hes a low empathy goblin i love with my whole heart. 

let’s get right into it. in more than survive, right after jeremy and michael discover their boyf riend backpacks, this exchange occurs

this seems pretty normal at first glance but it is the first instance of what seems to be michael’s go-to pattern for when he notices his best friend is feeling down, which, at least, kudos to michael, he very obviously noticed jeremy’s feelings. hurrah! so his process for how to fix this goes a little like “step 1: notice jeremy is upset. step 2: cheer jeremy up! step 3: unknowingly kinda mess up step 2“

jeremy is upset about the backpacks but then jeremy provides an out with something supposedly positive. michael latches on to it. it turns out to be negative. michael tries to salvage the situation by cheering jeremy up! by giving him a cool science fact! hell yeah! except it’s a shaky save at best because he does call the both of them losers but in an “it’s okay :D” way. 

all in all this is nothing really, just some friendly fast paced banter between best friends. whats important here is the 3 step pattern aforementioned because it 1) shows that michael Cares about his best friend and tries to make things better and 2) is BASICALLY the entirety of two player game

TWO PLAYER GAME is such a BOP and, at its core, is a song about how michael has got jeremy’s back and vice versa. but tpg is also textbook the 3 step pattern with added sprinkle of unintended invalidation. ive briefly spoken about tpg before so this might look a lil familiar but at its gist:

like you said anon, in tpg jeremy tells michael a problem he has, and throughout the course of the song, he continually makes it known that hes upset and has a lot of issues. step 1 has been achieved: michael knows jeremy is not doing too hot. time to do step 2: cheer him up!! and what better way to do that than to think positive with his trademark line “guys like us are cool in college” like, over and over again. because….it makes sense for michael. things might suck now, but just keep swimming yeah? it’ll be better later.

but it’s not better now and thats what jeremy actually needed validation on. michael thinks the solution is to look to the future but jeremy has his problems bothering him in the present. for all that michael says this is a two player game, he’s unintentionally dismissive because he doesnt understand that this isnt something that can be fixed with a simple “look forward to two years from now” mentality. neither of them are in the wrong, really. theyre just not on the same page.

onwards we go to something else entirely. the chili fries

this is a RIDICULOUSLY SMALL MOMENT but it stuck out to me because imo it is pretty obvious that jeremy says “leave me alone” because hes bummed and is being dramatic, but michael takes it literally and uses the opportunity to skedaddle and get his sweet sweet discontinued soda. im aware michael had to be gone for plot reasons and also the discontinued soda is foreshadowing for the mtn dew red, but taken at face value, this is something that happens a lot w/ low empathy: things are taken literally. 

jeremy is upset. jeremy said to give him some space. thats cool, i’ll go for a bit and come back with something neat that might cheer him up—hey, where’d he go?

and now let’s jump to something everybody and their dog knows about. michael in the bathroom. except not really. because mitb isnt what interests me so much as what happens before.

pre mitb is very, very interesting. before i say anything i’ll be clear in saying that literally nobody had even remotely a nice halloween night, it’s a disaster for everybody involved, but keep in mind that jeremy goes into the pre mitb scene immediately after the clusterfuck that is do you wanna hang and also getting chased down by a sloshed but aggressive jake. many people have said this before me but i’ll say it again: jeremy was not doing well. at all. 

and this is where michael fails step 1 of his pattern. he doesnt pick up on this at all. michael is kinda stuck in his own head right now. hes pissed. hes confused. hes betrayed. he cant understand other people’s feelings and now he has to deal with his own too. his head is a melting pot of AGH and he takes it out on jeremy. yeah, he tries to help jeremy, but he doesnt do it very well. it’s all very accusatory, and jeremy just had a terrible night, so jeremy lashes out.

teenagers are bad at emotions but theyre not bad people for it.  //cue mitb notes, we know the drill

to the play!!! 

recap for maximum contextualization: jeremy realizes the squip is bad fucking news and wants it gone. michael makes an entrance with the one thing that can kill it. and then this happens

AIGHT okay so the whole “i need an apology” scene is obviously played for comedy, and it does a good job at suddenly diffusing the end of the world stakes with some more down to earth teen friend drama but that aside, this scene is a good candidate to be listed under the definition of the phrase “bad timing” because michael, holy shit. BAD TIMING. like great timing for humor but bad timing as a human being. 

here we have jeremy clearly in possessed distress and michael has the antidote but he only wants to give it on a condition. it is absolutely a dick move. yeah, michael is is valid for wanting an apology, but not at this moment with the current stakes. this is michael thinking pretty selfishly. hes stuck in his own head and his own thoughts. he cares about jeremy and wants to help but…this apology important to him. it’s easy to get stuck on things like this when you cant empathize with others. the low empathy means that the only feelings you really get to really interact with are your own, so theres a tendency to focus on them. sometimes even at inopportune moments.

unintentional asshole-ery behold. in fact, this can be pushed even harder by this snippet in the score of be more chill that had some lines from an earlier draft. 

the fetus version of michael makes an entrance is hilariously low empathy, oh my god. this happens while jeremy is rolling around on the floor fighting an invisible-to-everybody-else squip and this is the first thing michael says. it’s positively dickish. 

SO with that done, a little bit can be extrapolated in terms of characterization. i think michael is low empathy so the dominos fall. michael is terrible at feelings. hes got a tendency to get stuck in his own head and not see what others are going through. his emotional periphery is abysmal, hes like a horse with those things that stop horses from looking to the side. in spite of all this, he still has a lot of love and good in his heart and he tries his best to show that in the ways that make sense to him. post-canon, the rift between his brain and jeremy’s brain can only be bridged by a big healthy heap of communication where michael learns that what makes sense to him isnt always what makes sense to other people. hes a good kid. he can do it. 

of course this is, again, all my take. the fun thing about transformative work and fandom is that all interpretations are valid and there will always be somebody out there who agrees. or disagrees. but on this blog, this is my michael. or at least one aspect of my michael. //shrug

ANYWAY im glad you like the hc anon!! ive obviously got a lot of feelings about it since i used your ask as an excuse to aimlessly ramble for, holy shit, 1.6 k words lmao. i hope you have a good day!!!

#be more chill #bmc #i spent too much time typing this so it's getting tagged #if i had to type all this you have to scroll past all of it. ive never used a readmore in my life #i havent written most of this into fic yet but i want to. desperately #hc

[winterbornwitches-blog]

Tarot Beginnings ~

Hiya Lads, and Gals and general pals,

Today I have chosen to write about tarot! For lots of people it’s often the starting point to their witchcraft journey, for some it’s just something they like to dabble with and for others...well you get the gist. Everyone uses tarot differently due to everyone’s individuality. This is not to say that people can’t or don’t approach it similarly just that it’s good to remember that there are no two people who are the exact same. It can be used for divination and various other things.

The first thing I would say about tarot is that you have to take it with a pinch of salt, personally I believe that fate and the future isn’t fixed as such but more like a stream. Our choices and actions in our lives shape our paths and when you change something drastically - to me the stream stops and carves another path. This feels like a very long winded explanation about starting tarot but these are things I’ve learnt and what i feel can really help you when you’re in that lost stage at the beginning. For me tarot is just a tool to get advice from sometimes, a way of communicating with the universe if you will, but it shouldn’t be something you depend on!

Just got your deck?

When starting out, many will recommend sleeping with your deck under your pillow - I, personally, did do this and felt that it helped to get the cards acquainted with my energies. There are disagreements on whether cards have their own personality or if it’s an extension of our energies in a way? But again this varies depending on the user and the their belief system. Generally I would wait a few days before trying to do readings with them, but that’s because my belief system means that I’d be kinda trying to talk through a dead phone line in a way. Whenever you feel comfortable doing so, it’s good to take them out and go through the cards. Looking at each one and discerning all the emotions and symbolisms is a great way to start to connect with your cards and simultaneously force you to start honing your intuition.

There is a superstition of not buying your first deck or any tarot and that they have to be gifted to you, but that’s not something I subscribe to. I also don’t really get as fussed about people touching my cards. If I feel someone’s vibes are super off and am uncomfortable at the thought of them touching my cards, then I would probably avoid reading for them or only let them touch the cards minimally. It’s a difficult thing for me since I believe that readings can sometimes be helped by touch but eh - my take on things is very case-by-case and I like to go with the flow. So again I would urge you to look at your own feelings about it and decide whether it’s something to consider or not.

Cleansing? How do? Whelp! So everything has some vibes, and some sort of energy signature. But sometimes energy conductors (e.g humans, crystals, tools, houses) tend to absorb all energy they interact with including the negative kind. This sometimes means that it’s necessary to cleanse them and make it a nice clean and blank slate. Visualizations can help you cleanse the cards with your own energy as well.The next step after getting acquainted with your cards is to cleanse them. This can be done by letting them rest in sunlight (make sure they cant get damaged though), or moonlight. You can place some salt around the cards (perhaps wrapped so they don’t pick up the salt). Crystals are also a lovely way to help cleanse your cards while charging them.

Quick visualization starting point:

(this isn’t a be all or end all, this is just my methods. Feel free to experiment with this starting point and just make it your own also please center and ground)

Take your cards in your hands, if you feel it’s important for you to make them all facing the right way up and in order that’s cool too, but I’m also lazy so. Start to reach out with your energy to the cards, feeling it travel from your core, travelling through your body and imagine the pure white energy flowing through your hands and replacing the cards previous energy. Pushing out the negative or positive and rendering it a neutral space. You can make it more fancy with imagery if you like - but that’s how I do it. Then I just leave it around my crystals to absorb their defining points to charge the cards up.

How does Tarot help my witchiness or yknow spirituality?

This is obviously no accurate science, and anything I think or say is based on my own experiences only! Intuition is something I’ve always seen to work similarly with muscles. Some people are more naturally athletic and have natural aptitude in intuition but like all things - with practice and hard work you have just as much opportunity to improve your own. The key really is constant practice and writing it down. It’s an oldie but a goodie and generally applies to many things in life, I feel.

When I started out with tarot, I tried my best to do at least one reading a day; I started to get into the habit of carrying them around - doing readings for random people is also something I like to do. It’s not exactly safe, so always be cautious and start out with people you know who wont take anything personally if you stumble over meanings. But all these things together started to improve my senses and generally reading started to become like second nature.

My own process with my cards:

My process even now, is to do a quick little shuffle and cut the cards to whatever spread I’m doing and to turn them all over. I scan each card and try to build an overall picture that has multiple stories happening within it. Then I write down in my grimoire or whatever I have available to make a note of my personal interpretations of each card, then I look online or in a book (whatever your resource for learning, make sure you’ve looked at a few and kinda found one that matches your usual meanings, since there are tons of interpretations) then I write the resource meaning and see how far or close they are and adjust the overall meaning to something that I feel clicks with the reading and the message it tries to get across.

All in all, tarot is a journey you have to take yourself, it’s okay to stumble, it’s okay to make mistakes. Days where the cards just don’t feel willing to answer or might feel disconnected to you are going to happen. What matters is that you do your best to keep recording everything and trying again on another day. There will be slow times - where you’re practicing and practicing and you don’t see any improvement. And there will be scary times, when that reading you did was mad accurate and scared the bejesus out of you. You just gotta take all of those times and roll with it sometimes. It’s spirituality after all, it’s about what you think and how you feel and how you react.

Lots of love,

Mizzy

(if you have any general questions? Feel free to hit up the ask box)

If you would like a free 1-2 card reading feel free to send us a DM either on or off anon. If you could review us that would be awesome and if you were looking for more detailed readings we are open to discussion regarding payments. Thanks again, have a lovely day!! <3

~ Disclaimer: We are happy to give readings, however we must stress that we will not give readings based on health problems, romantic relationships or any potentially distressing topics. Mundane before magical peeps! Anything we say should be taken with a healthy level of skepticism and we are under no responsibility for the outcome of any of these readings~

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[jonathankatwhatever]

I feel like I’m losing my ability to communicate. The words that connect me to one area are not the same as the words that work in another area, and they are very hard to connect because even realizing that means recognizing that there is distance in thought, in arrangement of thought, and that this distance is actual in the same sense that an infinite series is actual. And we know an infinite series is actual because everything we know, touch, use, etc. are all the results of infinite series.

Nothing I do is good enough. These waves of sorrow tell me something, if I treat them as negatives from a high, which describe what just happened, a massive high on the note of infinite series followed by a nauseous sense of I’ll never get high enough. Does high enough translate to primes? Yes.

I’ve come up with a reason: it’s my story to have grown up believing in what I heard in my head in the clearest possible voices and images. That conveyed to me an extraordinarily deep sense that it was absolutely true in the way that you know some moments are. And as I’ve done this work, I’ve felt more and more of those moments. I see the negatives of those moments are the same fears that motivate me, which is that I need to understand exactly why I cant go home. That is the negative kill switch, the urge to return to what was. Reducing this effect will over time change the directionality so the negative return anchors short of the distant negatives.

Most of that last sentence was translating into gs terms as I typed. This has the effect of shifting the coordinate system up in imaginary layering, meaning we just translated the ideas of the model into a visualization of the coordinate system sliding up, and thus a new 0, whih also means the trivial 0’s take on locational meaning - because they now broadcast where this coordinate system is relative to others. The depth of understanding coming over me is astounding. Once you see this, the implications explode. So, each coordinate system oscillates in the same quadrant manner.

That leads to a nice statement that gs counts zK, so this connects the xK counts and yK counts at the edges of the GS. That defines the space which is behind the axiom of choice, which is the space that you need in which you make a set of disjoint sets, where space contains the ability to do this kind of process. So, as we’re narrowing in here, the connection to explain fundamentals is becoming stronger. That was a great 2 sentence summary: counting zK defines the process and the space on which process runs.

So, when the zeta number is 2, and the answer is pi square over 6, and that leads to the reciprocals of the squares dividing into ¼ and ¾ - by basic algebra - evens versus odds, then this makes sense to me as:

pi square over 6 is the conception of circumference, which is the limit of all rotations of a square spun around a center point, made into a grid square, and divided into 6 parts because that counts SBE at its first specification, meaning both directions of x,yK 3 steps of 2 (without sign), or SBE2.

This leads to the connection of evens being pi square over 24, while odds are pi square over 8. In gs, the maximum count of the 6 at the first level expands to 24, because it can be taken as the start or end of a chain of that length. So that’s the maximum that you can divide the entire space by at this level, which is an even number because you’re dividing by 2. Then the odds twist that, which is important, by taking the 24 spaces and subtracting those spaces from the whole potential originally set forth in pi square over 6. This is the original formulation of the conception of Not, and also of what was said above about gs space, that the odd, meaning the step beyond, before, and in between evens is bigger. So, by layering SBE counts, you define the space out of the larger space, where both uses of space refer to zK space, which includes process. Process itself modularizes because that is how it connects over distances.

So, if I go to the conception of a second as 1zK, then it stretches over that many squares until it becomes continuous, which inverts into that small a part is each part. This is obviously true in GS:gs visualization: in the count of SBE, meaning 3, this many squares on or all but one of them off, blown up to size. Oh, that says the higher dimensions are trying to steer us. We should listen because they’re the higher dimensions, and thus they actually see where we’re heading. Such a trite statement: the issue is people listen to the wrong version of the higher dimensions. Describe them better.

That is hard. Why is 18*419 necessary? What does it do? It says mostly that you can fill that space and communicate better with the above. This is really amazing. I need a short break.

[wazm]

kinda lost blog

I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...

what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...

i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...

my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...

really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...

im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..

[symbianosgames]

The following blog post, unless otherwise noted, was written by a member of Gamasutra’s community. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not Gamasutra or its parent company.

In development, there are a lot of things that you wish were front facing from the get go. Key's that could avoid pitfalls and help you had you known earlier. Here I seek to offer some of the keys to solid design. 7 in fact.

 1. Fail early or not at all. – There is a lot of buzz around "fail early and fail often". This is certainly more viable when you have lots of time and money and want to make the perfect product. Supercell can delve deeper into that for you here. For most developers, this simply isn’t possible. Time and resource get in the way. I prefer fail early or not at all.  You can do this by chewing into the logic of something with a trusted design compadre before you run off to tools. Explore the logic in paper/doc form first. From that initial vetted brief - get it in game - prototype it. Fail it early and move on, or, dedicate time to it because it hits your core pillars for both the mission and the game. Never underestimate the importance of a formal feature sign off with lots of people involved. Get as many stakeholders as possible to see your feature, understand it and challenge the design to improve it. If it’s fun and it hits your core pillars, sign it off! Iterate and polish. If it fails the sign off, then ask why and analyis it. Failing is also ok provided you have learned something and cant take that into your iteration of the next design. Don't throw away work, learn from it. Discuss what went wrong and why.

2. Don't show the designers hand - Don't create experiences that show your hand as a designer. It's almost never ok to do this (unless you are John Romero and realise your own head is in a level and exact revenge. Create a more organic experience for the player. Ensure players can't see the experience you intended to create. Allow them to become so swept up in the gameplay they can't see the frame work. Journey is utterly brilliant in this regard. You slide through the world and its feels absolutely vast. There is no warning you are “leaving the battlefield”. You always seem  to end up exactly where you need to go without even trying. The effortless soft guiding and sign posting makes it a joy to play. The truely masterful composition in level design plays a large part in the success and helps maintain immersion.  

Players are often playing games to have fun and escape to a new world. That world needs to feel real in order for players to maintain immersion. If a player literally sees a bunch of enemies spawn out of nowhere based on an arbitrary trigger condition, they will break out of that world. Enemies should alert based on stimuli not a set conditions decided by the designer. Mask your conditions so the world feels believable and the player will benefit from that polish. Introduce variables to spawn logic and conditions where appropriate. Your spawn logic may not be appropriate if the player approaches from a new direction – make sure you are testing all possible outcomes. If you don’t have the time, enlist some help to. Games with large environments need testers to help you review all the possible experiences. Often the spawn conditions for enemies are a huge immersion breaker.

Killzone 2 had some of the best enemy spawning i've seen, even to this day. You could see the enemies clambering in over debris and rubble, eventually dropping down into the gameplay space to engage. The level designers created a fringe to allow for this and ensured it was outside the player metrics so didn't look accesible. You'd glimpse the realistic spawning at the fringe of gameplay and it created dread in the player whilst maintaining immersion. 

3. Allow mechanics to interplay with each other in meaningful ways -   If you make a mechanic and it doesn’t have meaningful interplay with the environment, enemies, or other mechanics in more ways than one; chances are it may be quite forgettable. Design your missions and encounters around one solid mechanic and allow your players to discover the diversity of that mechanic. This doesn’t mean make a complex mechanic that interacts in different ways. Try keep it the same but have the ways of interaction differ. Give players new and exciting ways to use just one thing.  Subvert their expectations as it changes from what you expect, then ask the player to adapt. Last Of Us is basically a seminar for unique world interaction. The trolley cart is used and adapted in so many ways through-out play. The second you think you have mastered it, Naughty Dog introduce a new variable to challenge you and subvert your expectations, requiring you to solve a new puzzle with the same trolley.

Let the players forge a greater understanding of a mechanic and feel clever having used it again for something new and exciting. In Sniper Elite 3 we used the flint and tinder to distract and lure enemies in to investigate the smoke. If you place dynamite in the same location, it will also ignite it. If you place it near a red barrel or stash of ammo, it will detonate it. Don't even get me started on the mechanics interplay in Dishonored - It's too vast to get into and theirs a host of videos discussing the systemic interplay of the mechanics. The rule remains the same though. 

So put simply, don't make it a one and done. Give your players a chance to master something and feel clever and empower them to explore other uses. 

4. Ask what the expected player competency is - What is the player competency? This is a very important question. You need an understanding of the expected skill level for the players when they get to your content. Is it the last mission and we can challenge the player more? Is it DLC where you have a delicate balance to hit content for retentive players or potentially new players? Should you warn players for DLC that the content requires prior experience with the main game? Is it middle of the rung or part of a lengthy onboarding? Make sure you take a step back and get perspective of that skill level so the content isn't frustrating or too challenging. Get 'noobs in and test, shadow them as they play and write notes. Dev's cannot objectively assess their own work most of the time. You become too close to it. You need to review with lots of new players to get your true insights and discover all the options you may never have imagined.  

5. Create big and small pillars - Creating big and small pillars is a useful way of keeping yourself "on piste". For non skiers - "off piste" is back country - filled with deep powder and crevasses - "on piste" is the main slope.  Off piste is a place where you will get distracted or lost in both game dev and skiing terms. You should have game pillars - these drive the fundamentals of all your development.  You should also have department pillars - these drive various departments like UI or Art direction. The pillars may differ from department to department but they should all feed back to the main game pillars. 

Most devs will use game pillars like a guideline to stay on piste and keep from getting lost. Digging deeper, you can go all the way down to a mission pillar or a mission goal. Defining mission pillars allows content to hit the priorities for that mission. If your game has a core pillar of dance, the mission pillar might be the mambo - however If you have sword fencing in your mission you have gone off piste! Fall back to your game pillars and mission pillars as often as possible to drive solid iteration and decision making. 

Often once iterations occur it's quite easy to lose track of the pillars. What was all this about again. If your pillars no longer make sense but the content is fun, ask yourself if you need to define new pillars for the mission. Why has the experience metamophasised? What was wrong with the old pillars and discuss why the design moved away. Take those learnings forward so you dont make the same mistakes again. What is ultimately "fun" will drive the experience forward so dont be affraid to stay agile. 

6. Listen - Listen to your community, your players, your bosses - everyone has ownership and buy in and also opinions. No opinion is invalid. Don’t crowd source design, but don’t be afraid to challenge other people’s designs. If people ask questions of the design, the design logic will benefit through extra attention being paid to the caveats. 

 If you are making a sequel, make sure you do a review matrix based on feedback from the first game and stay in contact with your community. Essentially track all the reviews and do a count on key issues,likes and dislikes then review the amount in any category. If you have 26 different reviewers raving about your level design an no negative comments, then it's like fine. If you have 10 people blasting your AI, it will need review and polish. If your UI isn't even mentioned, it's probably fine.  Hit anything hard that highlights in your review matrix multiple times as it's likely negative feedback on key topics is worth addressing.  It's so important to ensure the community feel like their key concerns are addressed as they will forge a core part of your audience. It needs to feel like an inclusive process. Ensure the community know you are listening and open a dialogue so they can also know why your decisions are being made. 

7. Focus -  Focus is easier said than done. Everyone wants to make a great game. Publishers want an abundance of content to rave about. The team want a full fat game with diversity of content. However, every feature, mechanic or mode you make, has the potential to dilute the focus on what is most important and strip away polish time from your core gameplay. Reference your pillars and look at what is important to the IP and your game. Keep your resource focused around your most important features and scope/claw back bandwidth if it ever looks like you are spread too thin. Steven Masters delivers a great talk on keeping your game focused and hitting Feature Sign Offs with confidence. No matter how good your team is or your process is, once a team is spread too thin, you will ultimately make a lot of features to an average quality and risk burning people out as you try to get everything to a high quality level.  This goes for assigning staff too much at once. Let them focus and deliver well on one thing with excellence and then move onto the next. You you pile too much onto the plate  at once and you’ll end up with a bunch of things done to a mediocre level.

Thanks for your time and I hope some of these keys benifit you as a developer. Please feel free to comment any feedback or add further "keys" in comments. 

*I’d caveat this article by saying that not all this information will be relevant to all types of games particularly where I reference spawn logic, enemies or even maintaining immersion. For instance presense may be more important, particularly in VR! It's mearly a guide for general development to help up and coming designers or veterans wishing to verify thier own process. Special thanks to Steven Masters and Mateusz Piaskiewicz for the reference. 

All Images are from Zelda 2 The Adventure of Link

#IFTTT #Blogger

[jonathankatwhatever]

Trying to process, which isnt the same as work because processing is what comes before. As I picked up the pizza, images of triangles appeared, along with the statement that there is no such thing as a half because there’s always a hinge and the hinge is zK, which means you’re only halving in the visible attributes, which are projections.

Can I say affine? I have no idea why that word means essentially flattened out, projected geometry. Since I say words wrong, I’d bet it’s fine not feen like I think. Mention this to remember the cap-set problem, because that describes the largest space across which you cant find 3 points making a line. I’m getting a sense of what that means.

Not sure about Annie. (MY2) I get in the general sense the cr layering - see above for an example - which generates endpoints within a cr that are all iterations of what then occurs. That came out fairly well because it marries expectations to path histories. So just thinking for a moment about this yields a startlingly deep realization (at least to me, but I think it’s general). Wow. So I should continue.

I have had recurring images of Anne and Nicki with their arms around each other, smiling at me, sometimes laughing at me, sometimes making fun of me. Never was able to see them as combined but then that is exactly what happened in the NJA Storyline: Anne left, then I had it out with Nicky because something was off and I knew she needed to leave to join Anne, so I told her to do that. And soon after that came the El Storyline, which I think of as the goddess story because El was exactly the perfect physical and emotional mate, though I cant think of a single deep conversation about anything at all, like there was no way for them to occur and the space the story ran in was dedicated to a love story. I never thought about this in cr terms because I hadnt reached that analytical depth, but cr pulls A out into another story, reducing her presence in the one, and I never thought of those both together in a triangle though there’s a dash in the sentence from perspective J-A-N-J, so there’s zK between A and N. That makes NJA as the zK for the dashes, but that misses the other end of the zK from each. Say those are each combinations, so ‘opposite’ N is JA, then it’s AN, then NJ. It’s counting of counting. Then the counting of that is JAANNJ, at least in one perspective. There’s a clear hinge in the middle.

And of course there were mulitple elaborate conversations and notes made about letter arrangement that included the triangles at the ends. I mean if you slide JAA over NNJ or other way, then you can read the first three letters from the front or back, left or right. So you can start with N in back, read J, then A, etc. If you then move to the last three, this can be made symmetrical so start at N, read J, read A. I’m not sure what this means, but of course a host of signs appeared. So running forward, from me is JAN, but going backwards it’s JNA, meaning A left, then N. That has a symmetry with ANJ, where leave first ends at stay.

That’s a lot of cr, meaning a lot of possible pathways for reading the characters. And back to division: the hinge binds the halves.

This is very much like trying to define how kids and animals fill the ‘psychic’ spaces left open by siblings. That is a cr phenomenon.

I’m very tired and need sleep. But I need to say pieces are appearing in my head all over, including why I see two people in you and in me, and why I was able to crack apart the cr that tilted my self-image to negative.