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belle-keys · 3 years

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I Love Matthew Fairchild aka Incoherent Thoughts about Chain of Iron (2021) by Cassandra Clare

I made one of these rant-rave reviews for SJM's book so check it out if you want, no pressure tho lmao.

Aight so I finished Chain of Iron last night and OMG I HAVE TO YELL like I loved it sooo much like yooo, I have a lot to say. I know the book is new so... beware for spoilers plebs.

Also context: I been reading the Shadowhunter books since I was 12 and I'm 19 now *insert dead emoji face* so yeah, I'm just so happy rn with where the Chronicles have come and the fact that they’re still ongoing *insert uwu face*. I remember when in like 2014-2015 or something when Cassandra Clare teased that Will and Tessa's kids' generation was gonna get a trilogy set in Edwardian London, loosely based on Great Expectations, and holy hell? I think that was perhaps one of the best days of my life considering how much I adore The Infernal Devices (that trilogy really changed the way I see YA literature... don't ask cus I won't shut up about it) (also yes I read TMI and loved it too but there's a “generation gap” between TMI and the other Shadowhunter books stylistically so don't ask me about that either cus I also won't shut up).

Anyway, shoo from here if you want a critical essay on Chain of Iron. I'm not providing that, this is just me raving here for the fun.

Listen... I want the bulk of this to just be two main things: The Matthew Situation, and then all the literary and judeo-christian meta aspects of it.

BUT I ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE SO FRICK LET'S JUST START WITH THE OBVIOUS SHIT LIKE THE PLOT AND WHATEVER

Okay, the plot and writing and shit, let's get that out of the way:

The WHOLE Jack-the-Ripper-esque ambiance was just sooooo good man wow like I did not expect the book to take this cold turn but it worked so well. There was such a contrast between Jamie and Cordelia's warm little house and then the cold winter and the stabbings and shit and it felt like a nice little callback to the actual Ripper phenomenon that preceded them and a nod to the Whitechapel Fiend story from Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy.

Bitch OFC that whole thing with Wayland was a set-up like nawww that was too easy to spot and I get why Cordelia feels like shit about it.

Dawg Lucie was just the Among Us imposter here in that my girl was just venting and sneaking around with dead people and I was like nooooo girl run, don't deal with Fade this is a set-up THINK ABOUT JULES LUCIE THAT'S LIKE YO GREAT-GRANDSON *sobs* but yeah anyway my girl has death powers she gonna kill some bitches next book.

You see that confrontation between Lilith and Belial? MASTERPIECE DIALOGUE like this was the point within which I was just like "yo is this the book of Genesis or a YA Fantasy novel" like when Lilith said "I may have been cast out but I did not fall" like??????????????????? I YELLED she did not have to END Belial like that. What a bad bitch.

More on Lilith and Belial... "You, who brought nations into darkness? Shall I finally be able to tell the infernal realms you have gone mad, lost even the image of the Creator." HAHAHHAHAHA SHE SAID "YO BELIAL GO GET SOME THERAPY AND GET OFF MY ASS" LIKE??????

Ughhhh yasss Clare has improved writing diverse characters in this book compared to in The Dark Artifices in my opinion... I'm not gonna expand on it cus ain't nobody got time for that but like, I enjoyed how she wove Persian poetry and tales into the story and the way in which she writes Cordelia and Alistair. They're not caricatures of Persian people but rather multi-faceted beings who also happen to be Persian and I appreciate that. Also, Alistair and Thomas and Anna and Ariadne were just so fun and interesting to read as coupbles but also as individuals. She really higlighted diversity in a very natural manner. All I need is a hijabi character and I’ll die a happy woman lmao.

The level of META man like the references to Classics and art (I swear, she might have compared Matthew to angels out of Caravaggio AND Rosetti AND Boticelli paintings and I Am Living For It) and just all the quotes from holy books and shit omg I love it here like you really feel catapulted into the time period, she draws reference to external art and philosophy so well and I feel like she upped the notch on it in this book (didn’t know that was possible but it was the prose is BEAUTIFUL, archaic, but not pretentiously so). No, like the characters live in their OWN worlds of literature and art and history in the way we are living in THEIRS. They quote Wilde and Milton while we'll quote Clare. It's awesome.

This is an unusually structuralist take even from me but: I like the way the milieu social of the book, i.e., the high society Edwardian circles and their values, have a direct influence on the plot. James and Cordelia got married because society’s values essentially forced them to, not a demon. Cordelia abandons Jamie at the end of Iron because her shame as a woman in society and fear for her reputation made her, not a demon. Thomas and Alistair can't be together solely because of how Alistair tarnished the reputation of the Fairchilds and Lightwoods by using the horror of infidelity against them. Issues relating to marriage, gender roles, etc, stemming DIRECTLY from the time period rule the sequence of events to the same degree as the epic fantasy aspects (demons, Princes of Hell, the lore itself) do and I LOVE that dear God above.

OKAY THE GOOD SHIT LET US TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS AND SHIPS (N.B. but imma discuss Matthew and the Fairstairs situation separately below this portion):

Alistair's redemption arc: No, cus Alistair's redemption arc is honestly amazing. He really did change and it's not like his betterment as a person was linked to any one heroic deed but rather he simply decided he wanted to be better especially for his family and he decided to become a proper protective son, a caring brother, and an amiable friend. He fully owned up to his Malfoy tendencies and apologized without expecting forgiveness. He shows how he cares in the little ways and omg it's so sweet and tender. I really do want him to love himself now and be embraced by Matthew especially and the rest of the Thieves.

Dawg Lucie and Jesse are so funny to me like it's so hilarious how this girl fell in love with a whole ass ghost that no one else knows about like HHAHA. Are Lucie and Jesse my ult ship ever? Nah, but it's nothing to do with Clare, it's just that their relationship happened pretty quick and feels quite like something epicly romantic that Lucie herself would write. I just like slow burn and friends-to-lovers the most from Clare. To be honest part of me just wanted Lucie to not have a romantic arc all together but like, it's all good, I'm not complaining.

Okay Grace- like yooooooooooo I never hated her yunno. She has been abused and isolated all her life. It's not that she is a bad person, but rather that she does not know what being a person even entails. Can't even say she's a “doll” of a person cus she's never even been pampered like one by her family. I really started understanding her motivations since when they gave us her half-childhood with Jesse. I want better for her but cmon can she REALLY be saved???

GRACE X CHRISTOPHER *pretends to be shocked*... Okay, sometime in the middle of the Dark Artifices series some big brain put together a very thorough family tree of the families and like, it clearly showed that Grace and Christopher got married so like, lmfaooooo, I knew this was coming one way or another, but the journey to this ship is more important than the destination. Like in a way Christopher is such a cute baby lamb that it makes sense he'd end up being immune to her Grace-ness when he's just a cute little Einstein boiii. Like this is just so funny to me cus he's so oblivious to social conventions while she makes the milieu social her entire life so OFC it's gonna work. Like, this is such a worlds-colliding trope like just Give It To Me.

James and Grace - aw mannn Jamie just had me fricking wanting to hit a wall every two seconds cus like yooooooo every single time I think he and Cordelia are gonna stop being emotionally-constipated spouses, Jamie says some kinda shit like "omg me and Daisy are just friends uwu" like DO I NEED TO HIT YOU?????????? See I can't blame him for not slamming the door on Grace's face even tho he totes should- Jamie is so cerebral and kind that even if Grace wasn't using the enchantment on him, I think he would always be soft for her even if it isn't in a romantic way. There's just so much miscommunication cus like he said "Thank God" when she broke off the engagement with Charles and lowkey embraced her but it also wasn't his fault cus it wasn't even romantic BUT OFC IT LOOKED HORRIBLE TO CORDELIA like James literally never told the woman at least once that he loved her so OFC she thought she was back to square one with him dear God above what a mess. Not his fault, but she DID set down one rule for him: don’t cheat with Grace. And yeah even tho he hasn’t properly cheated, it must FEEL horrible to her cus she’s just been enduring the pain of their unrequeted love for so long :((

See imma just say it but if Cordelia thought that James didn't love Grace then she def would have confessed to him about her feelings right but like James, on the other hand, was delaying his own romantic confession cus he was BEING EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED and I can't even say the bracelet was solely to blame cus like my boi was just being so difficult omg I believe he should be lightly spanked by his three parents aka Will, Tessa and Jem *cries*.

Cordelia is such a MOM like she's so mature and stable and her self-preservation instinct? OFF THE CHARTS I love this woman like James definitely treated her well as a hubby but like I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE CLOSURE ABOUT SOMETHING and boy oh boy she did get that closure she got it good but not from the person she expected in the LEAST *hehe* *pelican screeching*... like Lucie was being sus with the whole ghost business and James was being just, quite a case, dealing with Grace and Belial right and I don't blame them at all for their secrecy and shit but her FATHER DIED and her friends were hiding a lot from her so in a way she turned to Alistair for help but he could only do so much cus of his own pain (she couldn't even talk to her mom cus she's pregnant and she doesn't wanna stress her right) and then there was this emotional block between her and Jamie, Lucie was often absent and conspiring with the dead... the last person remaining was HIM (imma discuss this soon), but yeah my heart just went OUT to her cus she's tryna save herself and her family and she just doesn't know what to do. That's why I love the way her mom told her to stop holding herself back for others and live her own life. Like Cordelia grew on me so much cus in Gold she undoubtedly was a strange Elizabeth Bennet-wallflower hybrid and I... do not usually get attached to wallflowers but in Iron I feel like I finally understood that she was just tryna be unproblematic and self-preserving all along and nottt put her family and friends in a tough situation.... she reminds me of my mom personality-wise so yeah I’m totally rooting for her now that her *situation* in the past seems clearer.

Anna, Thomas and Matthew are such a SQUAD lmfaooooo like united in their gayness they'd be so unstoppable.

Will and Tessa are the most in-love of all the in-loves in this story and I respect that so much.

I lost a year to my life every time the romance between James and Cordelia got cockblocked. Like they were MARRIED and I thought they were gonna at least sleep next to each other at least once BUT NO James couldn't take a hint omg I'm actually gonna eat my fist and sob (but in retrospect, I think this serves a bigger purpose in terms of the narrative structure i.e. the interruption of all the spicy James and Cordelia action serves a bigger purpose which I think brings me to my next section, *exhale*)

Welcome to the Matthew Fairchild Enthusiast Club (this section is me talking out loud; it makes no sense):

bitch.

LISTEN TO ME LISTEN WELL I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH IMMA SCREAM I REALLY AM GONNA SCREAM MY FIST IS LITERALLY IN MY MOUTH *BACKFLIPS OFF THE ROOF WITH LANA DEL REY PLAYING*

Okay like where to BEGIN I think the Shadowhunter boy who I'm most attracted to is Julian while the one I love the most is Will but I think I see myself in Matthew the most. Like ever since that first story where the Thieves all met at the Academy then got expelled, I think that I just KNEW Matthew was destined to be epic. Plus the whole Wilde obsession? I’m no libertine myself but I just love his chaos and passion for life.

NO CUS HE'S SO WITTY AND SWEET AND EPIC AND YET SO SECRETIVE AND DEAR GOD ABOVE AHHHHH WILL HE SURPASS JULIAN FOR ME??? Ion even know but this is just sodjsgdwsdygyegydgef

Hear me out but I said after finishing Gold last March that I wanted this book to be Matthew's healing arc right so halfway into the book when I realized that we weren't getting all that good healing arcing I was confused just cus I thought it seemed natural to address all of his alcohol issues and sadness by now. LITTLE DID I KNOW CASSIE WAS SETTING UP A WHOLE OTHER ARC WITH HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED WTH.

At first I thought Matthew didn't have feelings for anyone at all, and if he DID develop feelings unexpectedly, I fricking thought that maybe he's catching feelings for James, if anyone??? I mean, I did have some suspicions about Matthew from the get-go: like he's so secretive and as readers we think we know everything there is to know about him since we were all privy to the truth potion incident in his short story right BUT NO I GOT PLAYED AND I DESERVE IT SO BADDDDDD.

Listen I hadn't shipped him and Cordelia simply because I never thought it in the realm of possibility but it MAKES SENSE as a ship... think about it: he never says what he feels, he flirts with her like he does with EVERYONE, he is kind to her in the way he is with EVERYONE. Really, Matthew is shippable with everyone, doesn’t matter if they’re taken cus that’s just what his Matthewnes allows for ya feel. There is such a beautiful irony that CORDELIA herself did not see this coming. Even the little teasers and hints in Gold have only NOW started making sense to me likejhss. I just felt like the hints in book 1 did not indicate to me that Matthew really harbored real romantic feelings for Daisy. I thought he was upset that James and Cordelia were being fakes, not a developing CRUSH on the woman fgs.

Not to mention that you usually sense a ship building when the emotional connection or sexual tension between the characters is made clearer but to me their FRIENDSHIP grew right but it didn’t feel like Cordelia was thought that she liked him or he liked her so that means me and Cordelia are clowns *together* 😤

Okay I was lowkey having SUSPICIONS but I immediately shut them down right... like firstly when he took her to the White Horse in his car and she went OFF and OFF and off about how she felt free for the first time? I thought Cassie was just tryna develop Cordelia's self-liberation arc through Matthew there. Heck, I didn't even think ANYTHING of it when Matthew confession to Cordelia about the "truth potion" incident at all cus I was like they're FRIENDS??? BUT now it's adding up now...

See when they were at the inn place and he was telling her that she doesn't in the least seem like a 100 year-old married woman? I was like hmmmm he's so sweet but why did Cassie phrase it like that like??? When Cordelia later reiterated that she thought Matthew's flirting was “meaningless”?? I was like hmmm kinda SUS tho. And then when he and James had their fight over the way Jamie kissed Grace like again I thought he was just like? ion know? mad at James for it but I didn't think he was in LOVE with Cordelia??? So I immediately put aside my slight suspicions. The probability that he had a crush on James at that point seemed more likely to me.

BUT THEN it started hitting me that every time Matthew drank, even before he explained his issue with the truth potion, that Cordelia would note it, she would worry about him, she would think of her father which seemed so poetic to me, history repeating itself and all that but this time you can FIX it??? Yeah, but again I didn't think the L WORD would be involved man???

Now imma sound like a delulu shipper here but it just makes sense they would develop feelings logically- reason being that it definitely is possible based on the way Cassie set up the story, like there's a combination of little “friend things” that can turn this into a proper ship: Matthew rescues Cordelia in the ballroom when Grace captures James' attention in Gold. Cordelia sees her father in Matthew all the time but knows now she has a chance to be there for him in the way she couldn't have been there for Elias (classic “history repeats itself” trope, she doesn't want Matthew drinking in Paris like dhshghdfhdhch). Cordelia tastes freedom for the first time when driving with Matthew. Matthew caught James and Cordelia making out in the room and was pissed but not even HE properly knew why then??? Umm, when she thinks James is forreal cheating with Grace on her she subconsciously goes to Matthew??? I also found it funny just how every intimate marital moment between her and James got interrupted somehow. Like, it's as if the narrative is just a living force REFUSING to let James and Cordelia as a ship be consecrated. Heck, every time Matthew is scantily clothed Cordelia notes it. LITTLE CRUMBS I TELL YOU LITTLE CRUMBS.

I tell you when Cordelia showed up to Matthew's flat I thought they were gonna f*ck as friends but I got SOMETHING EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW

THEY ARE GOING TO PARIS LA BELLE EPOQUE PARIS THE PARIS OF DREAMS AND ART LIKE??? FRICKKKKK I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALLLL MAN? I deadass thought the story would be restrained to the UK but like it MAKES SENSE the trope subversion MAKES SENSE.

“In Paris, with you, I will not need to forget.” SHITTRGEGGGDG

BUT CORDELIA LOVES JAMES TOO LIKE I CAN'T DENY THAT... where are we GOING with this like Matthew wouldn't lie about his feelings and yet Cassie wouldn't give us Matthew and Cordelia crumbs to only end it in the next book immediately for her to just ditch him for James. I mean she was clearly holding back on fleshing out James and Cordelia as a ship for this but to WHAT END??? Daisy feels wild and free with Matthew and she feels warm at home warm with James. I can’t advocate for the sinking of ANY ship here.

Imma say what we're all thinking: Is she gonna give us a Will x Jem x Tessa type situation where Cordelia gets both of them cus I'm not strong enough for this but I also think it'd be really funny if James gets a surprise bi awakening in the next books and then we get POLY even tho this would never happen, it’s actually impossible, because of the whole parabatai thing.

Listen I ship Cordelia and Matthew much more than Cordelia and James, not that I dislike James in any way tho. It's just: Matthew is so unrestrained and she's so composed. They seem like an unlikely pair so it makes sense that they hit harder for me. James and Cordelia have such similar personalities but I ALSO don't ship James with Grace at all so like?? Poly would be... ideal... but it can’t happen especially cus they are fricking parabatai... a Will-Jem-Tessa situation seems more likely but mannnn ion know what to expect. I just want FAIRSTAIRS to have their moment in Paris. I mean James and Matthew clearly don't abhor each other for this.

Take everything I say with several grains of salt, take everything I say with the whole Dead Sea actually, cus I damn well know that Matthew is so flirty and whatnot that I’d have shipped him with anyone in their little circle but now that she set him up with Cordelia it all feels so right?? I have wanted this man in a good relationship since he walked onto the page in Nothing But Shadows so-

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't believe Cassia duped me like this omg, Matthew is gonna have his healing arc in Paris with Cordelia by his side like- THIS IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND SO MUCH MORE. Question to yall btw: are you all as surpised at Fairstairs as me or did yall see it coming all along like smart people? Am I a lone clown? 🥺

BRUH okay criticisms of CC?:

Lmfao a part of me feels like I GOTTA say something bad about CC or the book but honestly I have no objective complaints about it as of now. Am I saying that it’s the PEAK of Young Adult literature and Urban Fantasy? I mean, I make no such claims tbh. I’m not here to be critical when I read as a hobby and when CC’s writing makes me happy regardless of how flawed some people see it.

Okay what next?

So like I’m excited for the adult high fantasy she’s releasing in the fall and whatever other works she might be releasing outside of Chain of Gold within the Chronicles.

As for TLH itself? Man I’m just VIBING like I suspect I will reread Chain of Iron soon and maybe one of the anthologies just because I am happy that this series actually happened after me waiting like 6 years for it when it was just a concept: a Dickensian retelling filled with poetry and culture and history and the conventions I so loved in TID at age 12. This is all I been wanting tbh. I’m just enjoying watching this series come to fruition for it to inspire and transform me in some way. I feel like in a way my coming-of-age aligns with that of these specific characters yet I ALSO feel like I raised Jamie since infancy. Wack.

MATTHEW AND CORDELIA IN FRANCE LA BELLE EPOQUE TO BE EXACT IMMA CRY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AND AHHHHHH. ALSO WILL AND JAMIE GOING TO CORNWALL TO GET LUCIE AND MAYBE BOND I LOVE WILL. HE WAS ONE OF MY DILF AWAKENINGS AT AGE 12 AND NOW HE’S HERE AGAIN IMMA CRY. I WANNA SEE MATTHEW GET HAPPY. AHHH.

Ending with a fun quote: “In the wise words of someone or other, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Maurice.” 😉

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rarestnicole · 3 years

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[090221] To the force behind our power...

“To die is to rest.”

I’ve never felt defeated until today. I felt so helpless, so hopeless, so defiant at the same time.

Looking at your casket being wheeled in the church, I wanted to rebel so much. I want to rebel like you do when you know that you don’t like to do something. Your conviction is unbelievable and admirable at the same time.

I couldn’t believe that you’re already gone. I always thought that you’d be with us longer—more than I’d ever live—if possible.

We may not have the best relationship, but we had something unique; something that only the two of us share.

Everyone knows that I am not your biological granddaughter nor we are blood related. Despite that, you loved me. You loved me when I was young and I could still remember it vividly. You were usually the one who’d go up on stage to pin me my ribbons. I remember being so thankful for that because it’s always a struggle to ask someone to pin me my ribbons. Thank you for saving me from the hassle and pain then.

We only drifted when I grew up being a disciplinarian that Mommy is while you are the always indulging and tolerant grandma to all you grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I wasn’t sorry to how I treated them because I know in my heart that it was the best for them. The world isn’t limited to people who will understand us in the family, so I tried my best to instill values and discipline to them that will be of use to them when they go past our hold.

Lola, I believe I did a good job with how I established a relationship to your grandchildren and great grandchildren. The bonds we have now are precious and solid. I’ll continue to take good care of them; it may not be exactly how you would but I assure you that it will be for their goodness’s sake.

Our love-hate relationship continued through the years. We argue and disagree on a lot of things but I felt your love anyways in fleeting moments. I saw the way you loved me in glimpses that thankfully didn’t go unnoticed.

When we argue and Mom would butt in about returning me to Mama and Papa, you’d immediately say, “Mamunot takon.”

You dislike the idea of me being returned because, “Uja taran nagbahol, iuli pa nimo.”

‘Di ka naman wrong, La. Sa kwarto mo ako pinanganak, sa bahay at pamilya mo lumaki, at sa mga paniniwala at pag-uugali niyo natuto.

I always appreciate your conviction whenever we’re in that situation. Thank you so much.

I hope that you are aware of how much you’ve influenced me in more than 21 years of being with you physically and mentally. 😆

Elementary pa lang ako, expressions mo na ang bukambibig ko. I know that I shouldn’t say some of those, but I couldn’t help it. It’s weird how it was natural.

“Ay patay, buhu batuna.”

“Boras ni apay.”

‘Di ko alam ang meaning ng pangalawa because you refused to tell me, I think it was so bad, you’d rather keep it to yourself.

However, it’s already become natural for me to associate that expression in situations that it seem fitting, based on how and when I heard it from you.

Heck, I even brought it to the city, never minding if no one understood me. What mattered to me is the expression of my emotions exactly how I was used to. It was perfect and comforting to curse, to rant, and to talk the way I was used to and I was unapologetically me wherever I went.

That’s another thing that was your influence. You’re cool, yunno. I might disagree with some of your principles and beliefs but I learned that when I take it on another perspective, it’ll result to something that aligns to my own principles and beliefs. It’s not all bad.

We have the rarest relationship in the family, I must say.

You are always vocal of how much you love each other while we’re both vocal about how much we hate each other. 😆

Sabi nila, gahibla lang ang layo ng galit sa pagmamahal.

Guess that’s our love language. It’s unique, isn’t it?

We’d bicker here and there then die for each other time after time. 🤣

Hay, Lola.

Where are you now?

I sensed you last night, was I right? Is that really you?

I thought I knew loss when I lost Inang, but your loss is life-fucking-changing.

God knows how I genuinely cared for you. I don’t care if no one else knows its extent, all that mattered to me is that I do. Despite our ramblings about each other, I did care for you.

Well, maybe, I hoped that you felt it.

I’ve heard countless of times how much of a bionic woman you are. I held unto that.

I always thought that you’re a constant in our life, refusing to believe that you’ll leave us one day. I refused to entertain the thoughts of our house being empty of you physical presence. I refused to believe that you’re slowly getting old, that we’re slowly losing you.

Despite your old age, I dodged all of Mommy’s observance and countered with my own possibility. Kasi nga ayaw ko, hindi ko kaya. You are my constant as much as Mommy is.

I wasn’t prepared to be left, I refused to prepare. I’m sorry.

I used to reflect on my prayers and hopes and arrived to many conclusions.

I could be selfish because I’m holding you back in my head.

I may be toxically hopeful because I don’t want you to go.

Or maybe I was an ally on your pursuit of living longer and longer and longer.

Iniisip ko noon na hangga’t gusto mong mabuhay, kahit nahihirapan ka, ayos lang na panghawakan ka lagi. Nandito naman kami para umalalay, para tumulong, para mag-alaga. I’ll be an instrument to your pursuit of long life.

Saka na lang ako nag-entertain ng thoughts na, “Okay lang na wala ka sa piling namin, at least nakapagpahinga ka na,” no’ng wala ka na.

I know I’m selfish for refusing to let you go in your last days, when I saw you at your weakest.

Kasi, La, naniniwala akong lalakas ka pa. Alam kong lalakas ka pa, if only you were able to eat. You’re the sharpest person I know even in your weakest state. Your will to live is stronger than mine, that’s why it’s kinda annoying that you don’t get to live longer than you really do.

I’d give you some of my supposed sunsets if I could because I know that you’d like that.

In the days and nights of your wake, day and night, I was there with you because I want to; not just because I need to.

Despite of being there, looking at you through the glass, I didn’t think that you’re gone.

You’re there, alright. You’re there in a different part of the house, in different position, and different state, but never acknowledging that you’re actually dead.

God, it’s pathetic, right? What were you thinking then, La?

Ginaisip siguro nimo na umang ko? Haha.

Maiwan bay ko? Jaan gani. Pero tuwing naaalala nakon na patay don gid gani kaw, daw pirmi takon mapanawag sa imo kag mamangkot it, “Basi?”

Jaan takon.

Weird. Sorry, La.

Kaya kaina kang ginbuol don nanda kaw sa balay, daw birahon tikaw. Haha. Mamunot bala kaw kato? Char. Ay ilam sa aton. Tonta takon, La. 😆

I felt so defeated looking at your casket while listening to the homily. I mean, that’s another step to not-being-with-you. Itself inevitably closing in and I know that I can do nothing.

I experienced and felt things that I just hear, read, and watch from others before. I didn’t know how real those emotions and impulses were until today.

I couldn’t believe that when we go back home from the cemetery, there’s no more you. Not even on the casket. God, it’s a 360-degree change.

Mingaw taya La nga uwa kaw. Maiwan kami bay kaya?

Gatuna kag gatapos among adlaw sa imo, maiwan kami kaya?

I don’t mind serving you again. I don’t mind doing the things I didn’t expect to do again. I don’t mind those.

If I have something I mind, it’s about our personal bickerings and as long as I can vent it out somewhere, I’m okay again.

You made me experience things that taught me precious lessons and maybe, that’s exactly how I need to be so I could grow exactly how I’m fated to be.

I guess, despite our relationship, we are perfectly what we need for each other to grow on different manners, something vital to both of us as individuals.

Wow, La, perfect gali kita for each other. 😆 Well, that’s my reflection on our relationship.

I wasn’t able to mourn with complete abandon because of my denial, being the source of strength to those who need it, and my pointless hope.

La, I’ve never told you something, but I prayed countless of times about it. We were never vocal about our mushy sentiments, so it’s understandable. I’m utterly thankful for the family that you and Lolo Nito built.

I am me mostly me because of this family; the family that drew strength from you.

You are the Yggdrasil to our worlds.

You said, “to die is to rest,” so I’ll hold on to that. I’d love to think that you’re already comfortable wherever you’re now. Wherever you’re heading, know that we find comfort in your memories.

As the lyrics to your song goes:

“I will go far away where you can see me no more. Goodbye to you, I’m going to leave you now.

Sad and sorrow is to leave you now, but my darling what shall I do. Sad and sorrow is to leave you now, goodbye my love.”

Sad and sorrow indeed. We’ll get to acceptance thought. We’ll pray for both of our sakes.

Sabi mo, huwag kaming umiyak kasi magkikita pa naman tayo, ‘di ba?

So, yeah, see you, La.

Palangga tikaw.

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mystopience-system · 4 years

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god i just

hate all the syscourse on this website

it gives me “microlabels are dumb” feelings to be honest

like,, yunno. i’m probably a DID or OSDD-1b system. i have trauma. all that good shit. but it makes me so so anxious, because i can understand what it’s like to be on their side of the argument, confused, disoriented, all those things, especially since i’m a microlabel user.

im TERRIFIED that i’m going to get targeted. that i’m going to get bullied, hurt, insulted, that i’ll, i dunno, eventually have to delete my tumblr, just because people think i *might* be an endo system.

i hate the discrimination and the hatred and all of that. the brain is big and expansive, and “natural plurality” could. yunno. probably exist. we don’t know everything about how the brain works! yes, DID is a way for alters to form, but we know absolutely fuck all about the brain.

i dunno,, this just makes me so so anxious. i feel terrified, even tho i stand neutral on syscourse.

#syscourse #myriad #original post #vent #ask to tag #trauma mention

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mintgator · 5 years

Text

MDZS fic ideas

Things I’d love to see in Mo Doa Zu Shi fanfiction. These are my notes for things I have told myself I am not allowed to write. I’ve read...so many fics for this fandom, like most of the archive, and I’m sad that I’m pretty much at the point of rereading/waiting for updates. These ideas have been swimming around in my head that I have no time to write, so PLEASE someone take them and gimme some new words to read, I beg you. Of course, end goal should be wangxian in some way, because otherwise WHAT IS THE POINT, but I don’t have time to write these, so...here you go. Please let me know if you use them. I wanna read these, but I don’t have time to write them, so maybe someone else will want to.

*Time Travel AU in which WWX goes back and for some reason tells Madame Yu all the bullshit that’s gonna happen, so they team up and fix all the things. I just...really want Mama Yu to like WWX thanks. And dear god, LET JC BE HAPPY! I need so much more resolution on that front. Even the book did not satisfy me. I WANT MY BOYS TO GET ALONG! And I want Mama Yu to not be awful and abusive to WWX! I mean she had reasons for being salty but uh that is NOT good justification for the shit she pulled with WWX. Also, hell, let Jiang Fengmian get his core melted and have Madame Yu run the sect. WE NEED FEMALE REP.

*Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze live so WWX gets to grow up with his parents. He meets LWJ as a rogue cultivator or something idk. This would make a fun oneshot.

*LWJ’s mother lives! Honestly, I just want happy Lan-fam. Can I get that please? Just how much would it change the dynamic of the story if LWJ’s father led the sect properly and his mother wasn’t locked away in a goddamn building and actually got to spend more time with her kids? I am forever salty that we’ll never know why Mama Lan killed her hubby’s teacher or w/e. Somebody GIVE ME SOME REASONING.

*WWX gets taken in and claimed as heir by Wen Ruohan...and WWX doesn’t learn that their ways are wrong until he’s at least a teen (perhaps when sent to train at the Cloud Recesses?) and realizes how the other Sects really feel about them. Give him some convoluted morals that he has to unlearn. Make Wen Xu and Wen Chao hate him for being chosen over them. Change Wei Wuxian/Wei Ying into Wen Ying/Wen Wuxian and have it be a secret that he’s not actually a Wen. Have WWX actually not want the Wen Sect destroyed because despite how messed up its people are, not all of them are bad--mostly just those in power (it still baffles me that the other clans just DESTROYED an entire sect, like I know the Wens burned Lotus Pier but DAMN that’s cold!) Even some kind of variation where WWX influences Wen Ruohan and his children’s evil mindset would be really interesting. Otherwise, can you imagine WWX with Chenqing on the Wen side? Ouch. Also, this sticks WWX with Wen Ning and Wen Qing early on and I LOVE THEM, so there’s that.

*WWX doesn’t come back after his first death, and LWJ achieves immortality because he’s stubbornly still looking/waiting for WWX. Two centuries pass (we’re going to ignore any technological advancements and replace them with cultivation advancements or something) and LWJ ends up befriending a nice lady cultivator who falls for him, and even though he only considers her a friend, he agrees to marry her. They have 1 very stubborn gay daughter (only from consummation sex which brings up a boatload of other problems) who somehow stumbles across a reborn!WWX with all his memories--daughter is hella bitter that her father clearly does not return her mother’s affections and that he is apparently pining for someone who is so long dead that people don’t actually remember his name (ie - people remember Yiling Laozu but not that his name was Wei Wuxian). But without knowing who he is, the daughter ends up liking WWX until she finds out the truth about who he is and drama ensues. Can you tell I’ve wanted to write this one so badly? I mean I could just about draft an outline, but I HAVE TO FOCUS ON MY ORIGINAL NOVEL I’M SORRY.

*Time Travel AU in which Yanli alone gets a do-over with all the future knowledge and fixes everything just by being her amazing self. I feel like she’d be a really keen manipulator.

*The story from NHS’s pov. I wanna read all his manipulations and him putting them into place. Is there anything like this out there? Because oh my GOD I wanna know what’s going through his head sometimes. I really, really do!

*Jiang Cheng/Wen Ning - AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS WOULD BE AN ENTERTAINING SHIP? Just...I sort of tolerate the JC/LXC and JC/NHS pairings because they’re commonly used, but honestly, I’m not crazy about either one. However, WN is such a sweetheart and JC is such a hothead and there is so much opportunity for drama there. Also, in some cases depending on timeline...WN is, yunno, a corpse--a fixable thing if you weave in WWX’s involvement and make him and JC get along again. GIVE ME THAT. Like I don’t read much other than wangxian focused fic, but I would read the hell out of this (also you could easily balance those two pairings).

*Somewhere in the waiting gap, LWJ is given three tasks by a deity of some sort who promises to bring WWX back if he completes him...but these tasks have to UTTERLY go against LWJ’s character and completely destroy his reputation as Hanguang Jun. Honestly, this could go cracky or painfully dark.

*No idea how, but Mo Xuanyu manages to bring WWX back fully in-tact and they both get to live. WWX of course takes MXY under his wing, and together they avoid the notice of even LWJ for a lot longer than WWX did in canon. I would love to see them figuring out the whole JGY plot in the background and LWJ tailing them around just a little too late to the party each time a major event goes down until finding out in some kind of dramatic finale that WWX has been back for a while. I have yet to see characterization for MXY that I really like. Most people make him either ridiculously whiny or so much like WWX that they may as well be the same character. :/ So, uh, maybe a different approach? I mean MXY is allowed some complaints, he’s had a rough time of things, but come ON.

*Lan Wanji never finds Wen Yuan and poor widdle Shizui manages to survive into adolescence living on his own in the burial mounds...accompanied by the fragmented ghost of his Xian-gege who very slowly is pieced back together by A-Yuan, who has sort of naturally started using demonic cultivation and somehow develops a heroic reputation as a rogue cultivator. Why? Because he’s Shizui, and Shizui is SO PURE OK? Maybe he has a fascination with LWJ, even though his memories of Rich Gege are kind of fuzzy. Shizui matchmakes his two ridiculous dads. Oh and inquiry doesn’t work on WWX cuz his soul is shrouded by the resentful energy in the burial mounds.

*The Wen clan burns the Cloud Recesses to the ground around the same time WWX has lost his parents, but LWJ somehow escapes. Reportedly, everyone in GusuLan is now dead, but he somehow ends up in the same town as WWX. They meet and bond immediately. Maybe LWJ saves WWX from the dogs. Anyway, JFM never finds WWX, so he and LWJ grow up together in poverty, eventually teaching themselves cultivation and night hunting, until their fame grows so much that they catch the attention of the Wen clan (or something). Have them ridiculously dedicated to each other, already in love and thinking of themselves as cultivation partners. I want their bond to straight-up shock people. LET THEM BE SHAMELESS. LWJ would have to have a fake name and wear something other than white.

*LWJ and WWX figure out their relationship stuff a lot sooner and end up building a proper sect in the burial mounds. I want LWJ wearing WWX’s colors. I want demonic cultivation to work hand-in-hand with regular cultivation. I want them to find artifacts or books or something in the burial mounds indicating a civilization used to be there that also studied demonic cultivation, or maybe they actually find some long forgotten god/dess of demonic cultivation who empowers them in exchange for worship.

*LWJ was not whipped for protecting WWX, he was imprisoned for life, not in GusuLan, but in some godforsaken prison that is so intense no one in the clans really likes to talk about it. I want him flung into some hellprison with ghosts and demons, where only his cultivation keeps him alive (and relatively sane) for that decade-ish gap until WWX’s fragmented ghost somehow finds him. Of course, WWX realizes LWJ loves him, which triggers in WWX a want to finally come back to life. He finds a way back to the living world and rains hell upon the people who decided it was a good idea to imprison LWJ until someone finally tells him how to get to the prison. He frees LWJ and helps him recover while all the JGY stuff is going on the background. Wangxian returns to the cultivation world in time to stop that catastrophe. (Before LWJ is imprisoned, he makes LXC promise to take care of A-Yuan of course!)

*WWX gets flung into the burial mounds and embraces demonic cultivation, but realizes he has somehow bound himself to the awful place and can’t leave. Over time, he lures stragglers and refugees to the mounds, where he welcomes them to stay and live safely. Outside, the Sunshot Campaign is a failure and what remains of the sects bow in subservience to the Wen clan. Inflicted with some permanent disabilities from the war and left to run GusuLan now that his brother and uncle are dead (sorry Xichen), Lan Wanji never gets the chance to go looking for WWX. Thirteen years pass and WWX has absorbed so much resentful energy from the burial mounds that he is practically a part of it. Finally, he is able to leave, but the world he finds is much different from the one he remembers, and his health fades fast when he is outside of the mounds. Somehow, WWX figures out that demonic cultivation doesn’t damage the body/soul/temperament if somehow counterbalanced properly with a golden core--and since he doesn’t have one, he and LWJ do a soulbond thing so that their cores (WWX: demonic and LWJ: golden) balance each other. Then he can take on the Wens.

I could literally whip out ideas nonstop, but these are the big ones that have been just...beating on the walls of skull trying to get out. Of course, they don’t always account for everything, so more thought is needed. Anyway, if you write any of these, please let me know so I can read them, and of course a shoutout would be nice. c: My username on ao3 is the same as here. Enjoy~!

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #the untamed #wangxian #fic #fanfic #ideas

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bmaybewriting · 6 years

Text

Warm Winters

:) I’m gonna do a fluffy story with the Hiddleston man. (Of course) but im starting this at 1:50am and I just got a boost of “hells yeahs you can do this, so I’m gonna do this!”

I also get to flex my Icelandic so that’s lowkey rad. (It’s not remotely perfect but it gets the job done)

——————

“Love, it’s wonderful that I can see you again, but Iceland? Really? That’s where you want to rendezvous?” You and your beloved boyfriend are trying to meet up for a brief holiday, you’re in Baltimore and he’s in London. You opted to literally meet him halfway.

“Yes! Iceland is beautiful this time of year!”

“Darling, it’s also cold-“ he starts, only to be interrupted by you.

“Tom, don’t you remember Auður? Her husband is Sigurdur—anyways, they have a holiday home by lake Thingvallavatn,” you linger off, finally realising you interrupted him.

“Yes but, it’s also -2 degrees, love. -2!” He says,

“But Tooom! Who says we have to go out! Their pantry is stocked and Auður said it was alright! We can stay indoors, in front of the fireplace and read, or watch TV, or yunno, spend time together?” You were whining, just a tad. You’re often lucky he’s so patient with you.

“Fine, love; when do you propose we meet?” You almost jump up and down with glee.

“Whenever it’s most convenient? Auður and Sigurdur are on Holiday in Seychelles at the moment, so we will have the house to ourselves. I have a key.” You say, partially explaining.

“Wonderful love, I’ll set up flights tomorrow at noon. And I promise to email the information this time, and not forget.” He says, and you can almost hear his smile over the phone.

“Thanks Tom, I really appreciate it,” You say, after a second’s hesitation.

The three words I love you have been on the tip of your tongue recently, and you’ve been refraining yourself. But it’s always there, just waiting to slip. But that’s a large advance in your relationship, one that you’re nervous to make.

“Of course, love, see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, see you tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

He hangs up first.

——

You give a tight-lipped smile to the flight attendant, saying “have a good day!” As you get off the plane. Tom’s flight was delayed one hour, and you promised you’d wait for him.

Keflavík International, what a joy. There’s a mix of languages being spoke around you, and you can only understand bits and pieces.

“My apple-“ in Norwegian

“Wow, she’s pretty-“ in German, between a couple of guys, looking at you. You didn’t try to eavesdrop but... it just happens.

Typical Airport things, you settled into an unpleasant resting bitch face while walking to what is supposed to be Tom’s gate. You check the arrivals board, and the plane is on schedule. You sit down and wait.

An hour later, you have befrended a Danish man, named Mathias. Your communication is something to behold, you’re speaking choppy Icelandic and he’s speaking fluent Danish.

“Du er faktisk fantastisk samtale, hvem venter du her?” He says, slowly. You understand it as something along the lines of “You’re fantastic company, what are you doing here?”

“Ég er að bíða eftir kærastanum mínum.” You say that you’re waiting for your boyfriend. You wait a fraction of a second before asking: “er möguleiki að þú talar ensku?” Is there a chance you speak English?

When he nods you almost collapse in relief.

“Thank god, I’m not fluent in Icelandic, and certainly not in Dainish. I’m certain I didn’t always make sense!” You say, an embarrassed smile across your face.

“Not always, but you didn’t do bad.” He responds, his accent surprisingly thick for an English speaker.

“Do you not speak English much? You have a very thick accent.” You enquire.

“No, my family prefers to speak Danish. It’s how it is, I guess.” He responds with a shrug.

You glance around and see Tom, you wave and grin at him excitedly.

“Excuse me, my boyfriend just arrived. It was a pleasure to meet you.” You say, holding your hand out for him to shake it.

“Likewise.” He shakes your hand and smiles.

You walk up to Tom, suitcase in tow;

“Hello, Mr. Hiddleston. How was your flight?” You teased.

“As okay as flights can be, love.”

“That’s nice to hear, I guess. Do you want me to drive. This is a Right-Side-Of-The-Road country, you know. I feel like I’m more qualified.” You smile up at him

“I think you would be more qualified, but don’t scare the wits out of me like last time. There’s a reason I usually drive.” He returns the smile

“I know, I know. I rented a cheaper car than normal. I didn’t want to be too flashy.”

“That’s okay, dear. Whatever keeps us safe.” He says with a chuckle.

“That’s not funny, you know.”

“It most certainly is,” he continues, grinning down at you. You playfully pout and get the car keys from the desk.

——

“There’s a reason they say Lake Thingvallavatn is one of the prettiest lakes ever,” You say, swerving slightly towards it, off the road.

“Yes, but I would like to enjoy it alive, dear.”

“I suppose I would too,” you say, slowly getting the whole car in the lane it belongs in.

“So babe,” you start, “what would you like to do when we get at the house?”

“Oh I don’t know...” he puts his hand on your thigh. You glance over at him and you can see his slight smirk. “Fuck?” He says, voice as smooth as chocolate.

Your cheeks redden and you immediately look back at the road.

He slyly grabs your thigh and gently squeezes is. You flash him a coy smile and go back to focusing on driving.

——

Upon arriving at the lake house, two things are glaringly obvious. 1: Tom both wants to be all lovey-dovey and sexy as fuck and he’s doing a fantastic job at it, and 2: You want to curl up by the fire and enjoy the warmth it is kindly providing. Neither of you want to have sex by the fire, knowing you both, that is good judgement.

You’re mixing a salad, when Tom elegantly slides up behind you and sets his hands on your waist, while nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck.

“Tom?”

“Yes?”

You smile and keep working on your salad, happily chopping cucumbers.

“Yes, love?”

“Are you trying to say something without actually saying it?”

“Perhaps?”

You stop cutting and look back at him, still smiling. He leans down sensually kisses you, you kiss back, pausing to laugh.

Eventually he stops, “Mmmm, I’ve really missed you, love, more than you know.”

“Hmm, sounds like someone’s horny,” you say and lean back into his chest, gently grinding your ass against him, “Feels like it too...” you smirk.

Now, finally, it’s his turn to be flushed.

“Babe, I feel more like sleeeping than sexing, that okay? It’s like 2 in the afternoon babe, we have a couple hours of chilling... and I still smell like recycled air and... I’m just not feeling it right now.” You go back to chopping, “Plus I’m making lunch!”

He rubs your waist and nods, “okay hon, do you need any help with your salad?”

“Not really, actually, but talk to me about work, or how everyone in the acting community is doing. Spend time with me?”

He smiles and leans up against the clear counter next to you. “Well, work is okay. I can’t really tell you all the details until after everything’s done, naturally. But it’s doing really good.”

“Well that’s good, babe.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he deadpans, and then starts up like he didn’t.

“Everybody on site is good too, nobody is trying to kill anybody...”

You snort “That’s... equally impressive and good.”

You both are quiet for a moment or two, enjoying the company.

“How’s... your PhD?” He asks, out of the blue.

“It’s... going. I guess. I don’t know, I feel kind of burt out, motivation less I guess. I miss living, having a lot of time to do whatever... without the stress of homework and essays and studies.” You respond, frowning. “I hope you don’t mind me working a little on our vacation. I don’t want to be swamped.” You look up and smile at him.

He softly smiles back and this time, the silence is perfectly comfortable.

Yet, short lived.

You were chopping lettuce when it happened, a slice across your finger. It was looked worse then it was, as you kept saying to Tom, who was losing it.

“Tom, seriously I just need some soapy water, or rubbing alcohol. And a band-aid, gause would work too.” You say, calm as can be, you’re a little clumsy.

“Babe, okay, you’re okay for a couple seconds, right?” He speed walks to the bathroom, where you hear rustling and bottles moved, along with a mumbled “where the fuck is it?” Moments later he emerges.

“Love, I’m okay, seriously. I just need the alcohol and the band-aid.”

He makes a face and says that he’s going to help you and that’s not changing until you’re not bleeding.

“Fine, you win.”

He smiles and cleans your finger, carefully going around the cut and gently over. You jolt, he stops, looks at you, sees your nod and then keeps going. He gets the band-aid and wraps it around your finger, even kissing it when he’s done.

You smile at that and return to your salad, where he gently pushes you away and continues cutting for you.

“You’re too sweet.”

He laughs, “no you”

“No you”

“No, you.”

“You win.”

At that, you stop and do a little victory dance, “Yes! I knew it.”

——

“You know what we could do, babe?”

#Tom Hiddleston x reader #i might write more of this #i also hit the post limit so :)#I HOPE U LIKE IT :)))))#:)#i fukingn love Tom Hiddleston #so much

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leaveharmony · 6 years

Text

It takes days to work through it. Yunno? Even if someone isn't (very) hostile about being called on it.

It takes days to get over the impulse to just jettison the whole blog and never talk to anyone ever again b/c everything I do or say and every emotion I have or reaction to it is wrong and awful and makes people quietly simmer w/ disgust and hatred. Every single time. Every single time, days of it, up to and including suicidal ideation b/c honestly and truly, if I'm so goddamned annoying to everybody around me what's the point?

I'm just really tired of it I'm tired of being vagued about and I'm tired of ppl just assuming it's fine if they take what they want from me but cut anything I contribute to it out of the picture in the process. EVEN IF they openly say “Yeah I've even got mad about it when people have done it to me!” Lol but that empathy isn't enough to stop you doin' it to me right? Because I ~made you cringe~ Which of course wasn't enough to stop you liking what I made anyway and taking it to use for yourself! With your own words! Instead of mine!

It's ok b/c I'm clearly just a dumb fangirl who doesn't know what a fucking flying cross armbar is called so you'll cut that embarrassing failure off to spare me the shame I should rightfully be feeling b/c I made a joke instead of being stonefaced and 100% serious about the 100% serious business of fucking professional wrestling.

Ppl have done this to me my entire life. Just...lip-service tolerated me for what they could get til they couldn't stand me anymore and dumped me like a bag of trash or thieved whatever they wanted b/c I obviously don't deserve it anyway I have to censor myself 24/7 in this house and police everything I do up to and including the expression on my face and god fucking forbid I have a visible emotion but sure. Sure. I mean I guess it's just how it is. I guess everybody's right to do it and really am just one of nature's doormats and I should just flatten out and be grateful ppl choose to step on me in particular b/c at least that's a /kind/ of attention even if it isn't acknowledgement or thanks or affection. Idk why I ever fool myself into thinking I deserve anything else.

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darlingpetao3 · 7 years

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Out of This (Doom)World (Eobard Thawne x Reader)

Rating: T

Summary: What happens when your psychotic ex-boyfriend alters reality to fit his pleasure and plunks you, a Team Flash meta who has visions, in the middle of it?

A/N: This one was waaay longer than I expected it to be, clocking in at about 2700 words.

“Do you guys happen to speak any Middle Eastern languages?”

Each member of Team Flash turns in sync at your seemingly super random question.

“Uhh, no,” says Cisco. “Care to explain?” And so you do. After many ongoing weeks of keeping it a secret, you finally tell everyone the vision that's been bothering you lately. The vision wasn't entirely clear, though. More like distorted. It involves a strong male voice reciting an unfamiliar language, a group of blurred people huddling around a pointy object, and a blinding light.

“Sounds very ominous,” H.R. remarks.

“Yeah,” agrees Cisco, “Very Indy.”

“And you can't make out their faces?” Barry checks.

“No. The whole thing is very murky.”

“How long have you been having this particular vision?” asks Caitlin. You cringe slightly because you know how the team feels about keeping things like this from each other.

“A few weeks... Maybe a month.” Naturally, you get the lecture from Barry about keeping secrets when they could be helping you out. In the end, there's not much to go on from what you've told them, so you all put your heads together again to plot against that metal bastard, Savitar.

The rest of the day turns out to be long and dreary, making everyone tenser than ever. You're so happy to get home and snuggle up into bed. It's the only time of day you get peace and quiet and time to forget about the looming disaster. Your pillow feels extra comfy against your head and before long, you're whisked away into a deep sleep, with all your troubles behind you.

***

Now, that was the kind of sleep you've been needing! Oh, you feel so relaxed and rejuvenated, like all the worries of the world have been wiped clean. You stretch your limbs beneath the covers. A hand, which is most definitely not yours, snakes its way around your waist.

“Mmm, good morning,” says a man's waking voice. It startles you for a moment, but after looking into those eyes, you suddenly remember.

Cheerfully, you say, “Good morning, Eobard.”

For some reason (and this doesn't make any sense), today feels like the first day of your life. Primarily because it's totally impossible, and secondly, how could you forget for one minute that you work for the brightest man this world has ever known?

Or that you're dating him?

Eobard has a town car arrive to pick you both up at home and drive you into S.T.A.R. Labs to start the work day. He strides into the Cortex with the utmost confidence, donning a sleek suit with a golden-yellow tie. He looks good. Almost too good.

Already waiting for him there, are Eobard's colleagues, Darhk, Merlyn, Snart, and Rory, and they look a little pissed-off. Truthfully, they each give you a bit of the creeps, but if they work with your man, they can't be all that bad, right?

“My dear, I sense these gentlemen would like a private word with me,” Eobard says quietly (and vaguely annoyed) to you. “Would you mind terribly fetching these fellows some coffee?”

“Right away,” you say sweetly. As you pass Leonard and Mick, the latter looks at you like he feels sorry for you, in a grumpy kind of way. You push the analysis from your mind because what's there to be sorry about? Your life is pretty damn perfect.

On your journey to the break room, you pass the S.T.A.R. Labs janitor, Ray, as he whistles while mopping an area of the hallway. He gives a friendly wave and you return it. Ray's a nice guy, but frankly, you think he's far too intelligent to be a custodial engineer if any of your previous conversations are any indication. I wonder how he came to be a janitor?

Once the coffee has been obtained, you're heading back to the Cortex when a series piercing throbs inside your head catch you off guard. You set the drinks down so you can clutch the sides of your head as a painful montage of flickering memories move to the forefront of your mind.

The Flash being choked to death by Damien Darhk's telekinesis.

The Green Arrow getting bombed by Malcolm Merlyn.

And the rest of your colleagues, your friends being enslaved and imprisoned by a man in a yellow suit...

No.

Why are you suddenly remembering all of this? Why were all of your memories jumbled into one big pot of confusion? You see Darhk kill Barry... but you also recall plotting along side him and the rest of the team to stop Savitar just yesterday! You know that you're currently dating Eobard Thawne, CEO of S.T.A.R. Labs, and you've been happily together for years now. But it's like you have a whole other set of memories of him. Why is it when you also think of Eobard, you see yourself in the arms of someone different, a dark haired man wearing glasses? And why do you remember feeling the stab of betrayal?

And then it hits you like a tidal wave tugging you under.

Eobard masking as Wells.

You had broken it off with him when you had found out. You had to tell the team.

He was an evil Speedster.

It had hurt like hell being played like that. The lies he told to everyone. To you.

And then he was eviscerated from time by the Flash.

Clearly not.

This must have to do with the recurring vision you'd been having for weeks on end...

The tray of coffees shake and rattle as you try to gain composure before returning the room filled with the criminally insane, but coming from around the corner in the Cortex is a frantic sounding man. You stop short and eavesdrop on his words, which are incredibly fast tumbling out of his mouth, but you are able to catch, “This world we're in now, is wrong. Reality has changed somehow.”

You intake a sharp breath and remain pressed against the wall, lending your ear to the conversation. This conspiracy theorist goes on, talking about these reality “scars” and how they get left behind in an altered world, supposedly like this one. Maybe you're not crazy after all. His idea more or less confirms the conflicting batch of memories now coming back full force.

Another sharp pain hits you and all you can see is the vision. Only this time, it's crystal clear. The male voice reciting the foreign language – his face is now visible! Oh God... It's Eobard! He stands with a daunting magical spear in his hand while surrounded by his same criminally-minded minions of Darhk, Merlyn, Snart, and Rory.

They changed the fabric of reality. You can't just mess with something like that! You're starting to freak out and then you hear Eobard's fake soft and calming words from around the corner:

“You know what? I think you're on to something. Something is definitely not right here. Take Mr. Heywood out for some fresh air.” You assume Eobard is instructing the ice and fire duo.

“And uh... kill him.”

Oh God, oh God, oh God-

This is too much! You cannot let Eobard know that you know this is an altered reality, too. If he did? You'd for sure be in a similarly horrific situation like this Heywood guy. You must play the part of the lovely, unsuspecting girlfriend – the part he expects from you.

Okay, act natural. Keep up appearances. Aaaaand go!

“Hellooo again, gentlemen!” you greet the villainous room, voice possibly higher than it normally sounds. “Your morning coffee has arrived!”

“What's going on with you? You've been acting strange all day.”

Apparently, you wouldn't win an Academy Award for this performance. You tried to avoid Eobard for the rest of the work day, but now at home, with a fancy, top-notch dinner and sitting in front of you, there's no avoiding his keen watchful eye now.

“Oh, well, yunno, everyone has off days,” you shrug. “I guess this is mine.” Eobard takes your hands in his and gazes deep into your eyes. Your stomach does a flip. Whether it's from sitting across from a cold-blooded killer or hearing him say these words to you once more, it's hard to distinguish...

“I love you, (Y/N). You don't even know how much.”

Should I keep quiet? Yeah, smile and nod, smile and nod. Look like you love him, too. Like how you used to.

“We are so compatible, it must be the whole opposites attract mentality,” he continues. “Life with you has been nearly perfect thus far.” Your second batch of memories confirms this. Eobard has been nothing but amazing and treats you like a queen. But if this speech of his is going where you think it is, you might actually end up as a world dominator's queen.

“And the only thing that would make it absolutely perfect is if you would do me the honour of being my wife. Will you marry me?”

What am I going to do? You have loved this man greatly, in both realities, that is true beyond a doubt. But Eobard has had your friends and teammates killed and/or enslaved. He's Barry's mother's murderer. Who knows what else this psychopath has in store for his whacked-out world? Even with your quick contemplation, it still wasn't quick enough for the man in the yellow neck tie.

“You hesitated,” he notices, leaning back to fully take in your body language. “You shouldn't be hesitating. That isn't how this is supposed to-” Eobard stops and the look of understanding shifts in his eyes. “Come with me.”

“W-why?”

“I want to show you something.” All prior emotion has drained from his voice as he takes your wrist tightly. Eobard drags you to the very end of the hallway and opens the last door. Oh no.

The basement.

Nothing good ever happens in basements.

You try to turn back, and out of his grasp. “I don't think-”

Angrily, Eobard yanks you and his super-speedy self hauls you down into the depths of the house. You now find your hands tied, totally incapable of moving, behind your back. Damn it! This can't be happening!

“You remember,” he says. “You know.”

“Know what?” you try to play it off. “Honey, what are you talking about?”

Eobard laughs to himself. He pulls out a sharp weapon from a narrow crate hidden in the darkness. The Spear. He handles it carefully and shifts into predator-mode, pacing in front of you.

“Oh, your act really had me going today. I have to say, well done. You're tricky, but then again, I always did like that about you.”

“What, are you going to kill me?”

Eobard scoffs. “Kill you? No, my dearest. Never kill you. I plan to keep you right here. Until you come to see how wonderful our life will be together.”

“Have fun waiting,” you spit at his feet.

“Oh I will,” he replies coolly. “I have all the time in the world.”

Eobard vanishes from sight, leaving you in a cloud of dingy basement dust. There's no source of light down here and now you're left with your outrageous imagination. How could your life come to this? How can the other reality, the one you know you truly belong to, be restored? And even more pressing, how do you get the hell out of this place?

“Help!” you scream as if it would help. Who could possibly hear you? No one ever sets foot near Eobard's posh home nearing the outside of the city. What hope was there?

Then, a brutish thump against the basement door startles you. Each time the banging gets stronger and it makes you jump.

CRASH.

With a noise like that, you're pretty sure the door came off its hinges. You brace yourself for whatever comes next. It's still too dark to see the intruder, but as they near, a flame illuminates a spot where they stand.

Mick Rory.

The second he spots you, he takes long strides in your direction.

“Mick, what are you doing here?! Don't you work for Eobard?” He lowers his lit zippo lighter to your constraints keeping you tied in place to burn them away.

“Nah,” he says sounding gruff. “I've had it with that bastard.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Let's go, Skirt. We need your fingerprints.”

Mick takes you back to S.T.A.R. Labs, flying through the streets of the altered Central City on his motorcycle. He hollers his plan to you on the way there and it sounds rather straight forward enough, as well as risky, but will it pay off?

The security team pays no attention to you at the door, seeing as you are practically second in command as Eobard's assistant, and once fully inside the building, you run as fast as your feet can carry you. If only I were a Speedster. That would really help right about now. A few more steps and you'll reach the far end of the Cortex where it is kept prisoner. Just a few more-

Strands of your hair start to stand up on their own.

No. He's here.

Eobard's red lightning trails light up the room as you're about to turn the holographic, fingerprint operated lock to release the vengeful creature. Your psycho ex-boyfriend restrains your arms behind your back. He presses you up against the transparent holding cell as Black Flash, Hunter Zoloman, rams itself into the door, baring its teeth.

“(Y/N), I'm hurt. You almost had me beat,” he says. “Emphasis on almost.”

“You won't get away with this.”

“I already have.”

You smirk at seeing what stands behind the Speedster with help from the glass' reflection. “Are you sure?”

A blast of scorching heat comes from behind and hits Eobard, causing him to recoil and yell viciously in pain. Mick shouts to you in his trademark deep voice, “Do it now!” You don't need to be told twice. Your hand hovers over the release button.

“Better start runnin'.”

With a quick turn of the wrist, the holographic padlock identifies your genetic makeup, which opens the vault. And boy, does the creature look blood thirsty.

“NOOO!” The look on Eobard's face frightens you more than Black Flash's deteriorated one. The blond villain peels out and down the hall, his pursuer more than close behind. He doesn't stand a chance.

Moments later, your head pounds again and you cry out. The air around you sounds like that of static from a television. You stumble and grip the side of the desk while shutting your eyes tight, trying to fight through the pain.

“AHH!”

***

A voice breaks through to you, “(Y/N)? Are you alright? Hey! What's going on?”

To your surprise, the voice didn't sound like Mick, the only other person who could possibly be in the room. Peeking an eye open, Barry is keeping a safe, yet worried distance from you. As is the rest of the team.

Team Flash! They're alive!

“Are you having one of your meta-migraines again?” Cisco wonders. “Because I got that monster-sized bottle of extra strength Advil in the drawer here...”

“Where's Eobard?” you demand. Caitlin and Cisco gasp while H.R.'s face is totally blank, and Barry frowns.

“He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?” Cisco asks. “Damn it, (Y/N), you know the rules about mentioning that name!”

“But he was-” you stop short. This must mean Black Flash caught up with Eobard and put a stop to him. A new vision comes to light, revealing the Legends disenchanting the spear after restoring everything to the way it was. What's the point in freaking everyone out with your experience if it was all fixed in the end anyway? Besides, Team Flash had enough trauma when it came to altered realities (no thanks to Barry).

“He was... a real asshole, wasn't he?” you try. “Good thing we defeated him all that time ago, right?” You laugh uncomfortably. Everyone stares at you like you deserve to have a spot in the psych ward at Iron Heights.

“Umm, yeah, totally,” Barry says. “So, back to Savitar...” They all turn their attention back to the transparent writing board. Okay, so you'd carry on from here being one of the heroes in stopping the world's greatest villain from dooming the world further.

But what else is new?

Requested by Anonymous: will u pls do angst fic 4 eobard thawne x reader set in doomworld? where reader is with team flash before because she has precognition power. reader used to date wells!eobard before breaking up after learning the truth. when eobard n his legion of doom altered the world, reader is able to retain both memories. eobard care greatly for u n is hoping to make a life with u in doomworld. but when he find out that u remember everything, u were imprisoned in his house. Thanks.

#reader insert #anon request #eobard thawne x reader #eobard thawne imagine #eobard thawne fanfiction #the flash imagine #the flash fanfiction #legends of tomorrow imagine #legends of tomorrow fanfiction

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e-leutheromani-a · 7 years

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Disgusts me that people think they have a right of passage to assume and confirm things about YOUR life and experiences. Even if Tia wasn't going through a breakup, which is an extremely turbulent time for anyone, she's a teenage girl. Everyone is growing, changing and FEELING but especially in the ripe teenage years. She's a human being, with feelings, just like you. Please stop being hateful and invasive. Have respect and give a girl space to feel, grieve and grow, however she needs to.

This is really great thankyou so much for this. It's crazy how people get so involved with other people's lives it ridiculous, and tbh this is the happiest and saddest Ive ever been. Not just because of the relationship but times are kinda tough yunno and people are on autopilot and assume what's happening in my life is surrounded by my ex, yes he was a big part of my life but yes we're over, yes sometimes o think about him and that's natural it was 3 years that's a long time to spend with someone, now I'm on my own, doing my thing, doing youthful things fucking ip making mistakes, I'm 17 for god sakes I wanna look back on my life and smile at the times I had, I'm finding my ground again because I did lose a lot, regaining friendships which I lost too. I feel like I'm finding and rediscovering a lot. Each day is a different day a different feeling. But I'm happy, I am sad, but things are ok and that's all that matters to me.

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madamlaydebug · 7 years

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Robert Nesta Marley (6 February 1945 – 11 May 1981) was a Jamaican reggaesinger, songwriter, musician, and guitarist who achieved international fame and acclaim. Starting out in 1963 with the group The Wailers, he forged a distinctive songwriting and vocal style that would later resonate with audiences worldwide. The Wailers would go on to release some of the earliest reggae records with producer Lee "Scratch" Perry. After the Wailers disbanded in 1974, Marley pursued a solo career upon his relocation to England that culminated in the release of the album Exodus in 1977, which established his worldwide reputation and produced his status as one of the world's best-selling artists of all time, with sales of more than 75 million records. Exodus stayed on the British album charts for fifty-six consecutive weeks. It included four UK hit singles: "Exodus", "Waiting in Vain", "Jamming", and "One Love". In 1978 he released the album Kaya, which included the hit singles "Is This Love" and "Satisfy My Soul". Diagnosed with a type of malignant melanoma in 1977, Marley died on 11 May 1981 in Miami at the age of 36. He was a committed Rastafari who infused his music with a sense of spirituality. He is considered one of the most influential musicians of all time and credited with popularizing reggae music around the world, as well as serving as a symbol of Jamaican culture and identity. Marley has also evolved into a global symbol, which has been endlessly merchandised through a variety of mediums. In July 1977, Marley was found to have a type of malignant melanoma under the nail of a toe. Contrary to urban legend, this lesion was not primarily caused by an injury during a football match that year, but was instead a symptom of the already-existing cancer. Marley turned down his doctors' advice to have his toe amputated, citing his religious beliefs, and instead the nail and nail bed were removed and a skin graft taken from his thigh to cover the area. Despite his illness, he continued touring and was in the process of scheduling a world tour in 1980. The album Uprising was released in May 1980. The band completed a major tour of Europe, where it played its biggest concert to 100,000 people in Milan. After the tour Marley went to America, where he performed two shows at Madison Square Garden in New York City as part of the Uprising Tour. Bob Marley appeared at the Stanley Theater (now called The Benedum Center For The Performing Arts) in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on 23 September 1980; it would be his last concert. The only known photographs from the show were featured in Kevin Macdonald's documentary film Marley. Shortly afterwards, Marley's health deteriorated as the cancer had spread throughout his body. The rest of the tour was cancelled and Marley sought treatment at theBavarian clinic of Josef Issels, where he received a controversial type of cancer therapy (Issels treatment) partly based on avoidance of certain foods, drinks, and other substances. After fighting the cancer without success for eight months Marley boarded a plane for his home in Jamaica. While Marley was flying home from Germany to Jamaica, his vital functions worsened. After landing in Miami, Florida, he was taken to the hospital for immediate medical attention. Bob Marley died on 11 May 1981 at Cedars of Lebanon Hospital in Miami (nowUniversity of Miami Hospital) at the age of 36. The spread of melanoma to his lungs and brain caused his death. His final words to his son Ziggy were "Money can't buy life." Marley received a state funeral in Jamaica on 21 May 1981, which combined elements ofEthiopian Orthodoxy and Rastafari tradition. He was buried in a chapel near his birthplace with his red Gibson Les Paul(some accounts say it was a Fender Stratocaster). On 21 May 1981, Jamaican Prime MinisterEdward Seaga delivered the final funeraleulogy to Marley, declaring: His voice was an omnipresent cry in our electronic world. His sharp features, majestic looks, and prancing style a vivid etching on the landscape of our minds. Bob Marley was never seen. He was an experience which left an indelible imprint with each encounter. Such a man cannot be erased from the mind. He is part of the collective consciousness of the nation. Bob Marley was a member for some years of the Rastafari movement, whose culture was a key element in the development of reggae. Bob Marley became an ardent proponent of Rastafari, taking their music out of the socially deprived areas of Jamaica and onto the international music scene. He once gave the following response, which was typical, to a question put to him during a recorded interview: "Can you tell the people what it means being a Rastafarian?" "I would say to the people, Be still, and know that His Imperial Majesty, Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia is the Almighty. Now, the Bible seh so, Babylon newspaper seh so, and I and I the children seh so. Yunno? So I don't see how much more reveal our people want. Wha' dem want? a white God, well God come black. True true." According to Marley's biographers, he affiliated with the Twelve Tribes Mansion, one of the Mansions of Rastafari. He was in the denomination known as "Tribe of Joseph", because he was born in February (each of the twelve sects being composed of members born in a different month). He signified this in his album liner notes, quoting the portion from Genesis that includes Jacob's blessing to his son Joseph. Archbishop Abuna Yesehaq baptized Marley into the Ethiopian Orthodox Church, on 4 November 1980, shortly before his death. Bob Marley married Alpharita Constantia "Rita" Anderson in Kingston, Jamaica, on 10 February 1966. Jason Toynbee (2013). Bob Marley: Herald of a Postcolonial World. p. 88. Rita has claimed that she was raped there [Bull Bay] by Bob in 1973 after he returned from London, and asked her to care for another child he was going to have by a woman there (Roper 2004). The formulation changes to 'almost raped' in her autobiography (Marley 2005: 113). But in any event, it seems clear that Bob behaved in an oppressive way towards her, always providing financial support for herself and the children it is true, yet frequently humiliating and bullying her. Marley had a number of children: three with his wife Rita, two adopted from Rita's previous relationships, and several others with different women. The Bob Marley official website acknowledges eleven children. Sharon, born 23 November 1964, daughter of Rita from a previous relationship but then adopted by Marley after his marriage with RitaCedella born 23 August 1967, to RitaDavid "Ziggy", born 17 October 1968, to RitaStephen, born 20 April 1972, to RitaRobert "Robbie", born 16 May 1972, to Pat Williams, born 19 May 1972, to Janet HuntKaren, born 1973 to Janet BowenStephanie, born 17 August 1974; according to Cedella Booker she was the daughter of Rita and a man called Ital with whom Rita had an affair; nonetheless she was acknowledged as Bob's daughter, born 4 June 1975, to Lucy Pounder, born 26 February 1976, to Anita BelnavisDamian, born 21 July 1978, to Cindy Breakspeare Other sites have noted additional individuals who claim to be family members, as noted below: Makeda was born on 30 May 1981, to Yvette Crichton, after Marley's death. Meredith Dixon's book lists her as Marley's child, but she is not listed as such on the Bob Marley official website.Various websites, for example, also list Imani Carole, born 22 May 1963 to Cheryl Murray; but she does not appear on the official Bob Marley website. Football. Aside from music, football played a major role throughout his life. As well as playing the game, in parking lots, fields, and even inside recording studios, growing up he followed the Brazilian club Santos and its star player Pelé. Marley surrounded himself with people from the sport, and in the 1970s made the Jamaican international footballerAllan “Skill” Cole his tour manager. He told a journalist, “If you want to get to know me, you will have to play football against me and the Wailers.” Marley was a Pan-Africanist, and believed in the unity of African people worldwide. His beliefs in Pan-Africanism were rooted in his Rastafari religious beliefs. He was substantially inspired by Marcus Garvey, and had anti-imperialist and pro-African themes in many of his songs, such as "Zimbabwe", "Exodus", "Survival", "Blackman Redemption", and "Redemption Song". "Redemption Song" draws influence from a speech given by Marcus Garvey in Nova Scotia, 1937. In the song "Africa Unite", Bob Marley sings of a desire for all peoples of the African diaspora to come together and fight against "Babylon", which represents imperialist and colonialist ideals that have oppressed African people through the eradication of their original culture and beliefs. Marley believed that independence of African countries (such asZimbabwe) from European domination was a victory for all peoples of the African diaspora. Marley considered cannabis a healing herb, a "sacrament", and an "aid to medication"; he supported the legalization of the drug. He thought that marijuana use was prevalent in the Bible, reading passages such as Psalms 104:14 as showing approval of its usage. Marley began to use cannabis when he converted to the Rastafari faith fromCatholicism in 1966. He was arrested in 1968 after being caught with cannabis, but continued to use marijuana in accordance with his religious beliefs. Of his marijuana usage, he said, "When you smoke herb, herb reveal yourself to you. All the wickedness you do, the herb reveal itself to yourself, your conscience, show up yourself clear, because herb make you meditate. Is only a natural t'ing and it grow like a tree." Marley saw marijuana usage as a vital factor in religious growth and connection with Jah, and as a way to philosophize and become ✊

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