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ifuckinhatemymom-blog · 6 years

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Letting go of my fp

I was obsessed with him so much it put a strain on my relationship. It started before I was diagnosed. I didnt even know what was happening to me. Think of the biggest dickhead in the world, and imagine yourself infatuated with him. I even wondered if I had genuine feelings for him. I didnt, fucking obviously I didnt It was this fucking disorder warping everything and making my life a living hell Im not even sure why it happened. I usually keep people at a distance from me. I dont value peple in my life but he suddenly came in my life and he was the coolest, funniest, most charming son of a bitch I ever laid eyes on. (Seriously though, he is a fucking asshole.) He has a lot of issues of his own. Like super super depressed and self harming in every way you could think of. The friends group I was in? Everyone hated him. Treated him like shit, talked shit about him behind his back. I didnt understand why people could pretend to be his friend but hate him so much. It is so fucked. Anyway they probably had reason to hate him (theyre not excused from being fake assholes, he is still a fucking human being) because he was rude and mean. I was the only one who would properly call him out on his shit. I was also his biggest cheerleader and defender. I saw the positive side of him, saw how much pain he was in. I took it upon myself to try and "fix him". Lol. Obviously, that wasnt and is not and never will be possible. I became obsessed with helping him, being there for him, I forced my way into his life, I sledge hammered through the walls he had up whether he wanted it or not, and for a moment I felt so close to him and so happy because this was also the first time I had a friend of MY OWN? MINE? MY friend, because everyone-- including my girlfriend-- fucking hated him. I hadnt had an FP since I met my girlfridnd and that was 8 years ago. I had been giving HER my heart mind body and soul (dealing with the torment of that not being reciprocated for years. Honestly I feel like ill never trully feel im 100% her priority or like she loves me as much as I love her but fucking what ever). Anyway she was the one everyone was drawn to and I was always kind of the one off to the side, she would introduce people to me and thats how I would make friends. Do you see where im going with this? The preference everyone had for her over me was clear as day and I struggled with that and her being the center of attention for years. I was shy, awkwardly ugly as fuck, my fat didnt fall well on my young body yet, I was shit. Fucking pathetic and gross. She has BPD too. (Invalidated me alot when we were younger, I couldnt share any of my feelings without her making it obvious that I, and I quote, "will never be as crazy as her". I shit you not.) It all shifted when we joined a larp at this dingey little alternative school. By then, my skin was clear, my hair was the BRIGHTEST fucking pink you could imagine, still fat but I honestly wear it very well now, and my confidence was higher than it was since I was maybe 6 years old. Bitch. That group was eating out of the palm of my fucking hand. It was the first time that I was the group leader/head bitch in charge. She didnt seem to mind it! Said she was happy for me. But again. First time for me. He wanted to be my friend, too. He was intimidated I could feel it off him. It felt great. He respected me more than he did anyone else in the room and he made it apparent. I guess I internally knew him and I would be close friends and that everyone would be mad about it. One of the guys at the program was oddly possesive over me and he particularly hated my FP the most out of everyone. Started treating me different as FP and I got closer. Exluding me, doing things to pin me and FP against each other. Shit got weird. There is a whole ass history when it comes to that boy but ill bitch about that in another post. Anyway as I was trying to say before getting sidetracked, the minute I laid eyes on FP it was almost instant? I could read his vibe(badass bad boy asshole the fucking works), and on top of that he was attractive. Instant. I needed him to be my friend. My close, cool, bad ass friend. Fast forward to me crying to my brothers because my girlfriend was fed up with the little relationship I had going on with him. I began to resent her, thinking that she wasnt allowing me to have friends of my own when deep down I knew what the fuck I was doing was wrong and if I were her I would have cussed me AND FAUGHT HIM a looooong time ago, but I was lying to myself and to her. He has a girlfriend he loves very much, yet he would do things on purpose to make my girlfriend jealous? Like one time when I was running late to the program (no surprise) my girlfriend didnt have a phone at the time, I was texting him and shit telling him when I would be there and shit like that. And you know what he does? He says "its a shame you dont have a phone, because shes texting me instead of you right now." To my girlfriend. Needless to say when she told me this shit I was pissed off but did I say anything to him? No. I was hurt, though. Because just like everyone else in my fucking life, he was using me to get to her even if in a negative way. He kept doing little shit like this. He invited me over his house to play with his pets in front of my girlfriend and purposely excluding her (he had promised her she could visit and meet his cat a few weeks prior) And what did I do? Like a giddy pink school girl, I anxiously agreed to go to his house alone. in front of her. I did it because I never get asked to hang out on my own. I wanted him to be my friend and have someone be only mine for once. My distorted thinking was making me not care about how it made my girlfriend feel, because inside I was in her shoes countless times and it was sort of a silent revenge. He was toxic. I mean toxic. I felt ignored often, belittled, made to feel like I was a stupid little girl and like he was above me and like he needed to baby me, when really I was helping him better himself. A real asshole. Class A shit. My best friend and my girlfrend hated him so much at this point. It must have been so obvious to everyone else. I feel so fucking stupid. Just the other day I was trying to talk to him about some basic shit and he again ignored me and sent a meme instead. He did that thing often where you can say something to him but he will change the subject to what ever it was he wanted to be talking about, completely ignoring anything I had to say. Questions, statements, talking about my dreams or wants, opinions, all fucking ignored like it didnt fuckng matter. The other day I brought it up. He used excuses and didnt even try to listen or say sorry or that he would try and fix it. None of that. And I guess im just going to have to accept that I will never be special to him, im not valuable enough to him for him to even care or listen. Fuck him. Im fucking done with him. My girlfriend and I and the relationship isnt centered around him and I anymore, I think ive let go of him months ago but its becoming more concrete these days. I let him go the first time for her, because at the end of the day I love her over everyone and no one will ever change that... but it wasnt for me. I didnt do it to save myself I did it to save the relationship, I distanced myself. This time im letting go because im finally accepting that I need to do it for my own sake. For me. For my health. My sanity. Good bye FP. I hope this never happens to me again. -nani P.S I will try and dissect this entire situation in bpd terms at some later point. Like what caused my certain behaviors, what was happening because of my illness and trauma, a general analysis of it from what would maybe be more of a psychiatric view. Im no professional but despite all my shit im super analitical and im good at looking at cause, effect, rationalizing etc. When it comes to others and after im finished having a personal experience.

#actuallyborderline #actuallybpd #borderline personality disorder #fps #fp #letting go #recovery #actuallymentallyill #lgbtq #nani #nanirants #nanivents

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dems1432 · 5 years

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#shotoniphone7plus #iphone7plus . . . #styles #styleblogger #styleinspiration #styleoftheday #stylegram #stylediaries #styled #styleformen #styleguide #styleartists #fashionblogger #styleicon #stylemen #stylelife #pretty #fashion #stylefile #tiktok #styletips #StyleGoals #stylenanda ##tiktokindia #styleinfluencer @instagram @tiktok @indiatiktok @instagramforbusiness #instalove (at Nanived Gam) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bzj4cHmH80h/?igshid=ca5utymtcuw7

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enroutepourlesrilanka · 5 years

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Mardi 22 The jour "j" 🍾🎂🎁

En quittant le reto lundi soir nous jettons un oeil a la boutique de l'hotel puis SYlvie nous quitte car en grande sportive elle empreinte l'escalier..

Alors que nous sommes devant l'ascenseur ni une ni deux nous retournons dans la boutique pour lui trouver un petit cadeau car aujourd'hui mardi c'est son naniv de ses 45 ans...

(je dis 45 car Sylvie a bloqué son compteur sur ce chiffre depuis quelques années)

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theadrianobusolin · 7 years

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India, bimbo muore in sala parto dopo il litigio di due medici Un vero e proprio dramma quello accaduto nella sala parto dell'ospedale “Umaid Women and Children Hospital” di Jodhpur in Rajasthan (India occidentale).Un bimbo, infatti, è morto subito dopo essere nato in seguito a una “grave asfissia alla nascita” dopo che due chirurghi, prima del parto, hanno litigato animatamente.Mentre la donna stava per dare alla luce il bimbo il ginecologo Ashok Nanival ha avuto una discussione piuttosto accesa con l'anestesista Mathura Lal Tak.

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seputarbisnis · 7 years

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Bantu Wanita Bersalin, 2 Dokter di India Malah Berkelahi

Jodphur (SIB) -Dua dokter di Rumah Sakit Umaid, Jodhpur, India, dibebastugaskan untuk sementara waktu setelah tertangkap kamera beradu argumen saat membantu seorang perempuan bersalin. Video pertengkaran keduanya menjadi viral di Negeri Bollywood. Beruntung, bayi dan ibunya baik-baik saja meski kedua dokter tersebut berkelahi. Sebelumnya sempat dilaporkan bahwa bayi itu meninggal dunia. Namun, kabar burung itu dibantah oleh Pengawas Rumah Sakit Umaid, Dokter Ranjana Desai. "Saat saya melihat video dan melakukan penyelidikan internal, media-media menurunkan laporan bahwa bayi itu sudah meninggal dunia," tutur Ranjana Desai, sebagaimana melansir dari BBC, Sabtu (2/9). Ia menambahkan, memang ada seorang bayi yang meninggal di rumah sakit itu. Tetapi, bukan bayi yang ada di dalam video, tetapi bayi dari seorang ibu yang juga melahirkan di ruang operasi yang sama. Ranjana mengatakan, kedua insiden tersebut tidak sama sekali berhubungan satu sama lain. Kedua dokter, seorang ahli bius dan dokter ahli kandungan, saling melemparkan makian dalam Bahasa India. Keduanya lantas saling beradu argumen apakah pasien sudah makan dulu sebelum operasi, yang mana merupakan pantangan. Ranjana Desai menyebut kedua dokter itu bernama Dokter Ashok Nanival dan Dokter Mathura Lak Tal. Keduanya belum secara resmi dilarang bertugas, tetapi saat ini dibebastugaskan selama pihak rumah sakit mengadakan penyelidikan internal. Rumah Sakit Umaid juga tengah memeriksa keterangan para staf karena video itu direkam di dalam ruang operasi dan bisa bocor ke publik. Di sisi lain, Pengadilan Tinggi Negara Bagian Rajasthan meminta rumah sakit memberikan laporannya sementara pihak pengadilan melakukan penyelidikan sendiri pada level yang berbeda atas insiden tersebut. (BBC/f) http://dlvr.it/PkcVCp

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skizzoskillz · 7 years

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Miss Nanivers #bebesamia

#bebesamia

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ifuckinhatemymom-blog · 6 years

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First Post

My name is Nani. Im 23 years old, cis pans woman in a relationship with a beautiful woman. Diagnosed recently (due to my irresponsible mother never getting me help, ill get into that later.) With Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression and Anxiety. I don't go to school, I lost my last job because I was too anxious to leave the house, I dont do shit but stay in bed. I travel to a grand total of 5 locations. My mothers house (only when I HAVE. TO.) My grandmothers house on rare occasion, my best friend's house from time to time (as rare as grandmas), a school where a shitty larp is run that im part of but is full of shit people who I fucking hate but im petty so I need to get them kicked out of the program as I refuse to be the first to quit, (they were planning on trying to get me kicked out. Long story, ill tell it soon. They were supposed to be my friends.) and my girlfriends house because well, I live here. Did I mention her mother is religious and doesnt know? Its the best life to live. /sarcasm It isnt even my permanent residence. Im still on my mothers lease and the threat of being kicked out for what ever reason is always in the back of my mind. Itll mean I will have to go back to my mother, who is abusive practically for sport at this point. This blog is going to be a vent blog, tracking my recovery, self discovery, possibly some aesthetic shit here and there if I am not too depressed to give a shit

#bpd #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #major depression #anxiety #chilhood trauma #chilhood abuse #recovery #road to recovery #nanirants #nanivents #lgbtq

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dems1432 · 5 years

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Just love yourself and don’t allow anyone to tell you what to do! You are passionate, you are beautiful ^be positive^ ^be awesome. #khudakiinayathaihamejomilayahaidiyapyaarwalayedilmaijalayahai #khuda #khudaaurmohabbat #khudakiinayat . . . . #godblessyou #positivevibes #selflove #india #insta #style #classy #instagood #girl #fashion #pretty #likeforfollow #love #cute #portaitlife #fashionblogger #god #godbless (at Nanived Gam) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwE4ae_nmSv/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=14aol8jg5p3jh

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