#my therapist doesnt help and i cant really get a new one but this one just has pretty much given up because im usually high functioning | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thesunisatangerine · 6 months

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i love talking football so i don’t mind long readings! i do agree that alexia is a bit slower, which is to be expected i think. i just meant that she’s never been a pace merchant who relies on speed to be a good player! i think she can still be great without being super fast. i think her runs will get better too as she plays the false 9 position a bit more too, since it’s still been less than 10 games she’s played in that position. i think she’s been slowly getting better since coming back. i’m interested to see how jona lines everybody up for the uwcl game + the clásico this weekend, especially since there’s so many games in such a short time period.

no yeah totally, her speed is not her strongest asset but her vision, technicality, and leadership are what make her great! and yeah i totally agree with everything you said, and actually that was really my bad. i needed to step back and reflect a bit to realise how harsh i sounded.

it was unfair to expect her to be able to play at pre-acl level at every game especially, as you and she mentioned, since she still has until december to recover fully and that level of expectation should not be present before then, even more so since she's learning a whole new play style. so for now faith and support are the best thing to do.

also, i know its frustrating to watch your favourite player not be in their top form but imagine what the player herself is going through? its torment, most likely. so yeah, just needed to remind myself that because i know from experience how debilitating perfectionistic tendencies can be, and in a top athlete such as alexia you know those tendencies are amplified.

yeah same, but i hope jona doesn't play alexia or doesn't let her play if she insists on playing against real madrid this weekend if her knee cant take it. just because its el clasico doesnt mean her health should be put at risk. and man, i really hope alexia has a good psychologist/therapist helping her through this entire recovery and especially now because that knee discomfort must have given her one hell of a scare.

#sorry for the very late reply anon this week was a bit brutal ngl but yeah lol #alexia putellas #woso #barcelona femeni #liga f #inbox

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visionthefox · 2 months

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I'm curious, since you've critiqued the way she has been introduced and utilized in the show thus far, how would you write Earth and her arc if you were to?

well- I think I need to say first, I was rather... cruel to her, when she showed up-so I do have to say sorry to her fans! and who made that old old model of her.- sorry! this got long so, here , resume : make her mature- make her emotinally smarter- make her win her place and not be given so easy- make her stand her ground too - make her be more that the "helper" --if you wanna read me then click--

with this said, I guess- if she was really needed to light up the mood and the whole arc of OldMoon dying .. I guess I would keep her as a "mother friend" type of way, she is not this clueless, and totally would not allow Monty to talk to her that way.. I think I would keep her someone emotinally smart, calm, she will take note of those details most would ignore, and would think what to say- and when to stay out of the chat- she would be watching- while also giving space-she is that smart! she would Not be calling these stangers her brothers, and mostly, would listen to Moon, I never liked how she showed up to Sun and stared to touch him and talk to him as if she knew him.. totally not ok is you dont actually know the person.. (personal take- never touch someone when is this emotional- you dont know how they will react..) I feel that, since she wont be walking away, since she was send here! she would look around the place, learning from details when no one is around, and once Sun, eventually comes back, feeling so down and tired, she would give him space. explain "I was send here by the one who made us, Im supposed to be a new member of your family but, I can see this is not the right time, so, please I ask to be allowed to stay around, I offer my help if that means I get to stay" I feel thats how she should win her place, Like Lunar and LIke Solar, knowing well this is not the best of times, and doing her best to be helpfull, and not be in the way- she will accept if the 3 people do not like her, she understand it- and do her best to change their minds in small ways not that whole "talk to me talk to me im you sister talk to me talk to me" deal- but a more "im gonna do small actions to show, not tell" type of way.. (like say, keep the place clean to Sun and keep Moon in check) I feel like if she was would actually act like a older sister, a more, mature figure ,smart and gentle when needed to, she is Earth, she is supposed to be "the best" of them (as creator said) - but also, be someone who NOT let anyone walk on her- she would be a bear- a fighter, a strong woman! with a gentle side. And her flaws? maybe just being a bit overprotective? as she is a more caring figure, and would not let anyone talk down to her family, - ergo kick Monty ass- maybe also just be better with kids, making Sun feel bad? creating some drama but also development in the whole "caretaker" area. maybe also show who is her favorite at times? cant be helped! but she would learn to love everyone also- take away the "play pretend to be therapist" thing, I know she was made to have those knowladge FOR KIDDOS, but I feel that just ruin it, she is not the "famale character everyone use to vent and expect her to fix it all " in THAT way but imagine if she, depending on her mood, would let her family come to her and talk TALK like Lunar did to Monty, or Moon to Monty- but BETTER, is heart to heart, she knows she doesnt know it all, (making her eager to learn and such, bond with Moon) but is there to at least listen.. let them come to her, and if needed, get someone involved too. idk, make her be a more full character.. make her be that happy light in the constant drama, and also finally a protector too..

#sams ask #tsams ask #sams earth #tsams earth #I guess I always felt she was wasted potential? like I expected more #and got generic anime sister #like ok sure she is a gentle soul yaada but why be this-clueless?#idk Earth character for me should be like pachamama #strong smart-caring and loving

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butteredteeth · 2 months

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TW: Vent

Topics: toxic mother, severe anxiety

So lastnight I was sobbing super hard about feeling like I'm being abandoned by my best friend (not specifying which, I hate doing that) and while I was crying I got all raspy as one does when bawling their eyes out to the point their throat bothers them. So she told me "those noises arent necessary" and that I "cry differently every time I cry". Which is, let me know if I'm wrong, A NATURAL OCCURENCE FOR HUMANS?? Anyways then she kept trying to comfort me after I said I was just gonna leave the room because I didnt even feel like crying into her shoulder anymore and would rather cry alone. So when I finally left I kept silently sobbing, hoping she didnt hear me. And I tried watching South Park for a distraction, barely worked. Did my makeup finally, distracted me really very good but trying to go to sleep was difficult because I am still so terrified I'm going to lose them. So I took an indica 10mg gummy and watched South Park until it kicked in enough for me to sleep. Woke up feeling like shit this morning. My calves hurt, my knees hurt, my arms are sore, my neck is super tense, my back feels like it's being snapped in half with every movement, and worst part? Yesterday my therapy was cancelled so now I have to wait a week to get all of this shit off of my chest and get advice and a good talking about my emotions and irritability. And today we went to the furniture store to get my mom a new chair and previous to that we were waiting for the family buddy to get here, he helps with furniture moving and we rarely see him other than that. My mom tells me to "not be all over him and playing with him like that" when I'm acting like a kid my age should. Only time anyone EVER plays with me, my sisters dont, my mom cant, and anyone else who can doesnt want to or feels like im too old because im too mature. I always say I'm too mature to play and stuff but I do it ALONE that's why. The family buddy practically adopted into the family at this point. Hes like my older brother. Feels like my mom hates to see me play and have fun and genuinely laugh. She did apologize because "now that she thinks about it, its just her insecurity an anxiety about people thinking I'm a brat" which really hit a hard one in my chest because SHE.

SHE.

Used to call me a spoiled brat for having panic attacks, meltdowns, and anxiety. She has always pushed her stress onto me. Never tried to hide it to save my mental health even when I was like six. I let her vent to me, I take care of her, I suggest therapy (LIKE ALL OF MY SISTERS DO) and she just refuses or puts it off because her current therapist isnt the right fit. So now everyones just stressed and all that I soak up and now I'm fucking panicked and shit every god damn day.

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mortuaest · 9 months

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Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

#狼{out of lusty ambitions}#狼{out of lusty ambitions}狼 #tw: negative thoughts #tw:mentions of death #tw: mentions of suicide #tw: cancer mention #tw: mention of loosing a loved one #tw: suicide mentions #tw: suicide idealiation #tw: plans of suicide #tw: mention of assault/sexual assault

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selfundiagnosed · 1 year

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why is it mean for someone to tell you you should get help? you're obviously in a lot of distress and should see someone about it for your own mental health...these 'patterns' you're leaning into are only exarcerbating your mental condition. but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative

to insinuate that a.) i dont know about my own mental state & wellbeing and you need to “tell me” because the psychosis makes it so i cant notice how it affects how i function every single day of my life b.) i need to delete my socials because of what someone else did to me to put me in this state c.) you somehow have any idea whats going on in my life, if im being treated, what symptoms im experiencing, that I legitimately cant tell ~whats real~ d.) noticing patterns doesnt mean im going off the deep rail LMFAO is all the stupidest shit ever.

for future reference, how you and the other anon are approaching someone you perceive as experiencing active psychosis is going to put people in active psychosis in danger to themselves. its funny to see random anons tell me what im experiencing and what i need to do about it to fix it when its evident from how this was approached you don’t actually care about me you just want to make yourselves feel like youre above me for whatever reason. “but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative” and “Deactivate your TikTok, delete the app and go see a psychologist” are sooo condescending. yeah deleting an app is absolutely gonna fix this problem. a diagnosis ive had since i was 15. stupid shits idek what to say like are you both actual tiktok teenagers who think they know everything about everything because get off my blog you suck so bad lmaooo sooo condescending. Im completely capable of making my own decisions im 22 lol i dont need tumblr anons i cant see telling me to do shit im doing already. i have a psychiatrist. ive been seeing him for years. i have a therapist. i saw her after my psychosis got retriggered. i know i am sick! i literally cant leave my house! when i do… i freak the fuck out! for HOURS !!! my family and friends all know how deeply this affects me and i promise you none of them have said this shit to me the way you and the “other anon” did. i stopped socializing, i havent made any new friends, i cant trust the people i do know im not close to anymore. i promise you i know WAYYY more than you about how it impacts me way more than you. my socials are the one open window i didnt put curtains on. i completely control what you all are able to see theough leaving this tiny window unclothed for the internet to look into my life. i dont need random people to see my jokes on my blog about my delusions and tell me its a delusion like im being very tongue in cheek about all of my delusional posts. i absolutely believe them but im making fun of myself for how crazy i sound.

i really have not a clue why youd think this is an appropriate way to approach it but it leads me to believe youre a tiktok user who probably thought the dude that manipulated his way into a famous persons house while she was manic was a Good Idea because clearly she wouldnt get help. lmfao its bad in so many facets. imagine if i was fully and completely immersed in my paranoia and delusions of being a targeted individual (which is the root of everything im experiencing right now): ask yourself how would you feel YOU felt targeted by a higher entity and now random anonymous people are telling you what you’re experiencing and how youre treated everyday isnt real and youre crazy. like to us its so very real and no amount of rationalizing makes it better. i have only small interactions every once in a blue moon these days that makes me think i could be okay and that im not being targeted and then every single day multiple times a day its shown to me continuously. this included! you and the “other anon” should really reevaluate how you talk to people in severe mental crisis because this is like the exact opposite of how you should react to seeing someone delusion posting or whatever and it shows me you dont know a single loved one with who experiences this shit.

in the future, fucking look into how you approach someone struggling. if i wasnt as lucid in my psychosis or in touch with reality you genuinely could have put me in danger. im going to send you and anyone on my blog watching me like im a circus act off with this so you never put anyone in my position in a state of self harm. but if youre too lazy to click on the link im showing you anyways

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ugly-mane · 1 year

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i cant rly keep dumping my feelings on my friends but i have such strong emotions all the time without any way to regulate them !!

i have no idea what to do at thiis point to be honest. been drinking a lot more but it doesnt really even cheer me up it just sorta staves off that little substance abusing impulse.

i really used to be so much better at moderating my feelings and being rational in response, i used to genuinely believe that things naturally will get better or that i understood the pattern of my emotions. but idk, i rly feel like im losing grip on reality and cant bring myself to believe that i will get to a place in life where it isnt such a struggle to do literally anything. i just find no pleasure in anything right now except w/ friends and im pushing them away bc of how much of a bummer i am 2 be around

ive had the onset of so many new symptoms within the past year or two and grown more self aware in general which is a fucked up combo because it just compounds all the bad feelings about myself i get everyday. i think i could probably get better.. i just feel like i’ve procrastinated for so long, ive dug myself and spiraled into a pit so deep i will never be able to get out by myself. and no one knows how to help me or what to do with me, not psychiatrists or therapists or friends or family, i am just a waste of energy after a certain point.. or more so a frustrating, fickle, ultimately lost cause that people hold out hope for, because what else can you do?

i am so fatigued, very physically ill and in chronic pain, so mentally hurt, i know how to help myself and what to do but i have been very low and i cannot bring myself to believe that there is a point to trying anymore. i dont even enjoy my hobbies anymore, even music is just kinda.. eh. i lack the energy to help myself and when no one else will help , and at best can only sort of tolerate my emotional volatility , it feels so much easier to just overdose and die instead

#vent warning all sorts of nasty bad feelings in here. but i simply have to get them out of my head #unfortunately airing out my feelings pn tumblr like its 2016 is what i must fo

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softertoday · 1 month

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i'm going to rant for a moment about therapy and insurance so please forgive me, and feel free to scroll on past this lol

it's very frustrating trying to find a new therapist. a lot of them are out-of-network with all insurance providers. my insurance doesn't cover out of network providers at all, so when they say they offer a superbill to file on your own with insurance, that doesn't help me because my plan won't reimburse me at all. some of them offer a sliding scale option, which is nice, but not all of them do. i am not currently working while i'm in school. so i just cant afford to pay $150 - $200 per session with a therapist.

i just want a therapist who has experience working with neurodiverse adults, and i would really love someone who offers art therapy. but that doesn't seem to be an option for me because they are all out of network.

the only one i could find that has a sliding scale is located 3 hours away from where i live and i would need to do telehealth with her, which is fine for regular talk therapy, but art therapy would be a little different (weird) over telehealth.

i'm frustrated because for one, i really honestly believe that every provider, whether they are a medical provider or mental health provider, should be in network with all insurance providers, and file the claims for you. its bad enough that some people cant even afford insurance, but if you're lucky enough to have insurance, you should be able to use it with everyone.

and secondly, i'm frustrated because my insurance plan doesn't cover out of network providers at all and i don't have any chance of getting reimbursed for any of the payments i would be making. i would take the superbill and submit the claim myself, i don't care about that extra work and time, but it wouldn't even matter with the plan i currently have.

and the other thing that really really makes me upset, is that i've had to start over with a new therapist 5 times in less than a year. I've had 5 different therapists since this time last year. most of them have been throughout my different treatment stays since june of last year, but regardless, i've not had a steady therapist for more than a month or two in a whole year.

i met a really nice therapist here when i came home from treatment, and he worked at a place that offered a really significant sliding scale, so i could afford to see him. he was really great. we only had sessions for a couple months and then he moved to a new practice and didn't take his clients with him. he helped me more than any other therapist i've ever had in such a short amount of time and i really liked him. i'm sad that i have to start over again.

the new therapist that he recommended to me is at the same practice, so i can afford it, but he doesnt schedule weekly sessions. he will only schedule 2-4 weeks out. and that might be ok, im not sure yet (we'll see how it goes i guess?) but im just... sad.

i'm gonna stop looking for an art therapist. its pointless. i cant afford it. i will just continue to bring a coloring book and markers to my regular sessions.

#diary #therapy #im so fucking frustrated and upset #i just want support that will benefit me more than what i've already been doing for 20 years

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sucktacular · 9 months

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spilling my thoughts out about, oh, i might not just be anxious and burnt out from school! i might be burnt out as shit from masking my whole life. :) (new revelation to me)

so i learned something really juicy about myself with my therapist that im still kinda processing and dont really know how to move forward with it at all but its a realization that may help me with my agoraphobia healing????

SO YOU KNOW HOW IVE BEEN LIKE. Im so anxious im so scared of going outside cuz what if ppl judge me or are mean to me or whatever what if i cant fit in what if i look weird what if im targeted what if what if what if

so ive been going on for the past like... since march 2020 at minimum being like "im such an anxious mess i wish i coudl get my anxiety in check" and im sure thats a lot of it but ALSO

uhm... I used the word masking (i dont use it often cuz idk if it fits me and i also acknowledge its generally language used by autistic folk but also realizing now that maybe its something most neurodivergent folk can use? - plz dont get angry at me please if i use wrong words btw i'm uneducated and still teaching myself ; - ; but also clearly this makes sense for me also - and my therapist was basically like "okay, so, before we go forward, do you think that masking has anything to do with your agoraphobia?" as a point of asking me to think it over before we keep talking about it and for me to really personally think about it and digest it and... wow?? folks i think ive been masking so hard I burnt myself out?? which doing google research briefly i realize is definitely a thing (masking burn out) and i fucking

i cant believe ive been like "im burnt out because school is hard and im anxious all the time cuz im scared of ppl and thats it" when like yes thats fair and probably doesnt help but ALSO- WOAH MAYBE IM BURNT OUT BECAUSE EVEN TO OPEN MY FRONT DOOR TO GET MAIL IM ALWAYS LIKE OGH I GOTTA LOOK OKAY I GOTTA LOOK "NORMAL" I GOTTA GET READY I GOTTA PREP I GOTTA SWITCH ON THE NORMAL ME

if someone is delivering something i have to dress and brush my hair and preen and look in the mirror and take a mmoment to set myself up let alone if i go out into public spaces.

and we were talking and they asked what masking does for and to me, like whats the good whats the bad and like ive always known i wear myself out trying to be around ppl and public but i just chocked it up to being introverted. which is still a valid thing but thats maybe not... everything....

and i thought about it for a moment quietly and started getting a little choked up and was like, well masking makes me feel safe and makes me feel in control and right and like no one will pick me out to bother me or whatever. but then i started getting teary eyed and crying cuz.

i hate it. i HATE masking i HATE having to sit myself up right and preening myself til i have a head ache and i hate sitting on buses and the entire time being a whole experience where im just "dont look out that window its too close to that person theyll think youre looking at them and dont sloutch or youll look weird and dont move too much youll look weird and dont firdget youll look suspicious and dont look around youll look suspicious and definitely dont look at anyone or smile or wave and dont do anything just look out your window or your phone. NOTHIGN ELSE" and like... hm maybe thats not normal!!!??? I come home and im so tired im so tired and my clothes hurt me and my body hurts and im tense and im so burnt out emotionally and physically i avoid hanging out with friends because i feel like i have to act a certain way anyway when they know me and we both know theres no expectation for me to mask myself?? but i dont know how to turn it off at all.

its reminds me of finally learning to be okay with my hair. with not preening the fuck out of it before i go anywhere. that my natural dried hair is okay and good even. i rmember being in elementary school and i straightened my hair everyday because i have wavy hair and would brush it a lot and didnt know how to take care of it so it'd be a puffy long mess so the only way i knew how to fix that was the straighten it- and i remember one weekday night my straightener died and i was in HYSTERICS!!! I was crying!!! and begging!!! my mom for us to go to walmart to go get a new one. I literally felt like if I had to go to school the next day without my hair done that i would DIE!!!! something HORRIBLE would happen i wouldnt be normal enough and it would be the end for me or whatever. it freaked me out so SEVERELY. and like... i just chocked that up to anxiety and bullying, which yes it absolutely was. but maybe also... masking?? doing my little preening and things to make myself look less like a "weird kid" like less of a target

and like when i was a kid i always wanted to dress emo. i wanted the finger less gloves and i wanted the shaggy dark hair and i wanted the detailed outfits and the boots and the converse and the everything but i was SO SCARED to be seen as weird or out of place or give kids one more reason to bully me. and i remember being in high school like 9th grade and wearing striped fingerless gloves to school and i was so happy about them and at my locker some kids in my grade were lurking around behind me and loudly said something making fun of my gloves but not @ me just in general but it was 100% @ me even if i wasnt looking or involved. and i took them off... and i never wore them outside again... and then i sold them and got rid of them...

but like it took me so long to get to the point of like i care so much what ppl think but i also want to be what i want to look like and getting my hair cut SHORT and THEN dying it black and feeling like myself? i was so so scared out of my mind going in the next day but.... i also loved it?

and its just so fucked because i do all this shit to pretend to be normal and fine and safe and a trusting gentle person and I am, i am, its not a lie at all, but i make so much effort to make sure its a seeable attribute that like- helllooo??? IM ALT!!! IM GAY!! IM VISIBLY QUEER AND DRESS WEIRD!!! but im scared of being seen as weird?? what the fuck bro

and i know thats also internalized mental health stuff absolutely. even just saying "normal" and "weird" is very... yucky but i dont really know how else to describe it. but i see myself saying that and doing that and know its anti-mental health and anti-neurodivergence to feed into that within myself and externally

anyway just... damn man, im burnt out from masking all the damn time all my life and im just so tired of it to the point its easier to stay inside its easier to not take public transit its easier to get groceries delivered its easier to never go for a walk on my own its easier to do x y z but im deeply deeply unhappy

i think independence is so important to me, to be able to do what i want and where i want and do it ON MY OWN!!! i HATE relying on people i hate it so much. its not even so much the ego its just the feeling like i need to repay people for their kindness and money or gifts. and unless its specifically and perfectly said to not leave any doubts in my mind- im always going to feel like i need to repay them or that im a mooch and a bad person for accepting offers when i know i cant give them back?

just... fuck me man. and like my therapist brought up the fact i live with "strangers" and questioned how that effects me and like i cant remember where the end of that question or suggestion went but its true. i live with ppl i dont know too much past being nice people that dont seem to judge me or will allow me to have space without trying to talk me up or intrude on my personal space/personal time. but like....... yeah i couldnt begin to imagine what thats also doing to me.

thankfully ive gotten a lot better about living with strangers (ive been renting rooms in houses with other random tenants for the past ... 5 or so years?- this is the first place that wasnt student housing) but like man the gymnastics ive had to do to get comfortable just leaving my room to go to the bathroom let alone all the way down to the kitchen in the PvP zone. yeesh but yeah thankfully roomies now are super cool and super chill and will talk about problems without being passive aggressive or mean or confusing about it. ; w ;

anyway im rambling as fuck but uhm... yeah im burnt the fuck out and literally so tired all the time and anxious all the time and its probably got a lot to do with me internalizing what it means to be different, what it means to be queer and neurodiverse and what it means to my body and mind to try and pretend and switch on the "im normal and im safe and im a safe person to be around and im a nice person and im not a threat and im just minding my buisness" act that ive been switching on since i was old enough to be anxious about going to the front of the store without my parents to put a coin in the candy machine and trying to not freak out about the fact i COULD "look like im shop lifting or that i dont belong " even though ive never been in trouble for that when i was a kid and i never shoplifted as a kid and i was just doing what any kid would do????

so who else drinking the fucked up juice that makes you fucked up?

#sucktacular sucks #im kinda just spilling thoughts so idk if this is super coherent to follow but yeah uhm #pbbbbbbbbt fuck my stupid baka life #wish i knew any of this before i was 28 but i GUESS better late than never -_- fuck me

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shaw-kai · 10 months

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i hate being addicted to tobacco. i hate it so much but i have to continue because this is europe and shits expensive so we mix weed and tobacco to make it last longer and so i still have to smoke cigarettes

and so when i dont have any money like right now to like. smoke weed so i can eat and not have constant flashbacks and breakdowns and not throw up, i feel awful both physically and mentally because:

1. i cant be safe because unless im high i can get very. not...good. like. i may be dangerous to myself (no, hospitalization isnt an option. they dont do that here. you have a sui attempt? heres some xanax ok bye. actual psych wards are around 10k euros per month and no, you cant pay later so it's just either you have money or you die)

2. i cant eat or sleep properly at all. i just cry without apparent reason (heehee repressed trauma)

3. i try to not smoke as much tobacco unless im smoking weed which triggers nicotine withdrawal and it makes me want to die but also of course it makes me very very sick

my man up there, why do you have to do this to me? not even 10 euros for some?

the fact that my therapy is 70€, my meds are 30€, and i cant go to therapy right now because idk shes not responding so we're looking for a new therapist and idk how much it'll be because i need a specialist in ptsd/did (thankfully my mom helps with medical expenses)

i just. it sounds stupid and like im just a stoner but i swear to god. i just cant fucking live sober right now. i wake up in cold sweats with the bed drenched. i cry and hurt myself. i dont know what else to do to survive while... everything else happens. my therapy, the meds to work (or changing them if they dont, that would be the 8th medication that doesnt work ❤️)

i just really dont know what to do. and plus im getting SA'd by one of my dealers but hes the most available one so i just. try to refuse as much as i can.

im so so tired. i dont want to die.

#talking to the moon #i dont want to do this anymore but #yeah. i cant just. yeah.#there's people I'd hurt if i did that so i cant #but living hurts *so* much #i want to stop having all these thoughts and flashbacks and feeling it all over again #the hands on me #ive been making some vent art #i dont know man. i dont know.

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multiplicity-positivity · 1 year

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hi, i dont use tumblr ask stuff often so i dont really know how im supposed to start this but i was hoping you could help me figure myself out a little since i cannot talk to any sort of therapist / psychologist about this lol...

i think im going to send this to a good couple system help type blogs to try and figure this out cause i need Help

i am a minor with cptsd and audhd. i am physically and mentally disabled [dyscalculia]. i have been suicidal for as long as i can remember [and i can remember very far back]. i had a lot of periods in my childhood where i go Blank for a while [memory wise. i would "wake up" somewhere else the middle of an action and have no idea what was going on or why i was there] or felt out of control of my body, i dont know if this has lessened or if i have just grown used to the feeling if that makes sense

ive been questioning whether or not im a system for a Long while now but i never get far with it because i literally cannot figure myself out.

when i was a child [this is abt when i was around 8] i was heavily in denial about the fact that i wanted to die. i knew my parents [abusive] would react Badly and also i was religious and raised to believe i would burn in hell for it so i just Refused to admit that i hated living. i didnt actually know what the word "suicidal" meant. one day i saw it on the news with my parents [it was some headline like "suicide rates rising" or sum idfk sorry] and my mother said "who would be crazy enough to try and kill themselves" and i answered back "haha yeah..." and i heard a voice behind me [like Right in my ear behind me] say "you would" [as in you would be crazy enough] and i was fucking terrified cause as previously mentioned i was raised religious and thought this was a demon trying to tempt me into sin because holy Shit a disembodied voice is speaking to me telling me about my deepeet darkest secrets. i looked behind me and asked my mother if she said anything and she said no and gave me a weird look. i dont know if this makes sense but when i heard its voice i saw like a Flash of information [???] like. i saw its eyes [red, part of the reason i was convinced it was a demon] and got the fact that its fem looking and got the info that it Knows me and it Knows more [sorry if this doesnt make sense], some personality facts[?], and that its older than me?? i never mentioned anything to anyone because i was convinced they would hurt me if i did. i felt its presence in the back of my mind [it didnt speak often but even when silent i could feel it there like rhe way you know when someones staring at you]. i kept refusing it and saying i did not want it and eventually i felt it fade [not the right word but idk wtf to say. it went In or it just disapeared or something]. i felt kind of at a loss when it happened cause i didnt know what to do. i considered the idea that it was trying to help me but even if it was i had no clue what it was. i asked another did/osdd blog abt this before and they said for me to look into bpd or aspd but i cant find the blog anymore

since then i have been never heard the voice behind me or any other voice. i dont know if it was an alter who went dormant or just some weird dream or hallucination or what.

anyways i was hoping you could shed some light on this in literally anyway you could.

if you think it was an alter could you Please tell me anyway i could try and contact it or anything at all

if not Do you have Any idea what it was...

thank you for reading all this either way

Hello! So this is something we can’t figure out for you - you’ll have to learn more about yourself in your own way. We know you said you don’t have access to a therapist or psychologist, but it sounds like you could really use one! Even if you’re not a system, dealing with something serious like CPTSD can be overwhelming, daunting, and scary on your own, especially when coupled with other disorders or neurodivergencies.

If you’re in school, do you have access to a school counselor, therapist, social worker, or trusted teacher? Talking to an adult you trust about this may be incredibly beneficial for you. It’s so hard to learn what mental illnesses may affect you and heal from complex trauma without any outside help! Be careful though - if it’s not safe at home you wouldn’t want to share this information with an adult who will tell your parents without your consent.

While we can’t and don’t want to diagnose you, we will say that this sounds like it could be a system experience. Before we knew we were a system, our host would occasionally experience what he thought were auditory and visual hallucinations as the rest of us tried to make contact with him. This happened regularly for most of our life, and it wasn’t until we were 24 years old that one of our protectors was finally able to break through and get our host to realize we’re a system.

We also have dealt with heavy amounts of suicidal thinking for what feels like our whole life. Our first suicide attempt was at 12 years old, and we have attempted a handful of times since then. Grappling with memory loss, traumatic flashbacks, depersonalization/derealization, severe depression and anxiety, and many of the other issues that come from complex trauma have generally made life not worth living for us. We are getting help, but we still seriously struggle to make it through each day. For us, this has come with the territory of having a complex dissociative disorder. It sounds like you may be going through something similar.

Please know that you’re not alone in your struggles and there is still hope for you! We’ve made a post on establishing contact with alters to include in this answer, and you can check it out here. Remember that it’s okay to question plurality, to wonder if your a system and to attempt to connect with alters. Even if it turns out you’re not a system, you likely will learn something about yourself in the process.

We hope this response is somewhat useful for you. Thank you so much for reaching out. We’re here for you and we wish the very best for your future, whatever that may hold! Good luck with everything, and take care!

🌸 Margo, 🖋 Cecil, and 🐢 Kip

#questioning system #suicide tw #suicidal thinking tw #long post

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boldlyinnocent317 · 2 years

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THIS ISNT EVEN THE FULL OF IT. Received my first case of anon hate and it was.......quite hilarious if a bit saddening. not for me lol but for this poor piece of shit who really needs a better hobby than "putting shits like me to rights" I really have nothing to say. ik this aint new in the fandom for assholes to waste their sorry time spamming accounts.

im still new to this writing and posting business and this definitely doesnt hamper my spirit and love for writing but it annoys me that ao3 allows this to happen all the time. ik its something they cant totally remove, i havent done the full research yet.

but still im pissed off. And pls do give me some advice on how to deal with fuckwits like these and prevent this from happening in the future? Im a bit technologically challenged lol

I know i shudnt have entertained this sorry sod but i was bored and free so i indulged and went down the hell hole to unravel the full extent of nonsense that some ppl can come up with. I mean how full of shit can u be actually be? i think i got the answer today and i wasnt impressed.

Is it so difficult to accept and respect other ppl's preferences and styles instead of shamelessly abusing and harrassing them. are u that free? are u that full of toxicity? really? assuming wat my family is like and how much love and care i get why not focus on yours instead huh? wont that make things better for u? i feel sorry for such ppl and the ones who have deal with them irl and on a regular basis. This is the reason we need more therapists and psychologists to help sick bastards like these bc dude fandom is where we come to relax from rl not have us dumped with more shit than even real life has to offer.

Pls be mature enough to kindly mind your business and keep your entitles views to yourself when you cant stomach that of others.

DONT LIKE DONT READ AND F'N TAGS AND AUTHOR NOTES ARE THERE FOR A REASON GOD IM SO PISSED.

its these educated illiterates that r the most dangerous and ik this hasnt happened to me on tumblr, yet, but i feel safe enough on this platform to voice out. atleast here i have the privileged to block which i dont on ao3 which f'n sucks.

#ao3 #anon hate #cw threats #harrassment #drarry #DONT LIKE DONT READ #AND IF U R ILLITERATE ENOUGH TO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WORDLESSLY FUCKK OFF #my writing #violation of personal rights #draco malfoy #harry potter #draco/harry #anti hate #fanfiction #hp fandom #spam #abuse #cyber abuse #cyber bullying

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heyitsharbor · 2 years

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fucking just. need to vent. about a lot of things. so tags have some cws. dont read unless you really want to lmfao

one time i actually feel like i have something i need to talk to my therapist abt and i cant for two weeks. and thats if he wont message me to say 'hey can we reschedule bc its labor day' even tho he has the day open on his scheduler. and then itll be 3 weeks bc i have no other days i can see him.

and i just. like. sorry! i cant. like. yeah. whatever. im allowed to be sad. doesnt mean it helps to be sad with no way to fucking deal with it because i dont fucking know how to process grief especially not alone. my family doesnt process shit unless im the one handling it for them so yeah ill comfort my mom about how hard it is for her now my cats gone .

and ill push and push and push for our other cat to get her appt bc my dad doesnt fucking think its necessary to go to the vet for an ear infection (because he doesnt go to the doctor for them) like. love this. love that i have to argue for basic fucking care that we CAN afford because he's so stubborn he'd rather himself be in agony than go to a doctor

and I have to break into doing all these new things that I've never done before because of trauma or unmedicated ADHD or fucking god knows what other excuses i have, and i feel like im exploding with tension and its branching into other new habits i cant wait to deal with, on top of probably not doing the new things i should be doing

and to top it all off my RSD is like, in full fucking force 24/7 about literally everyone, i either hate people or feel like im the worst person to be around in the world, every thing i enjoy is giving me anxiety because its not good enough or i did a bad job with it or i cant keep up acting like im okay, except when im in the moment and actually do enjoy myself and then just jump right back into the cycle of hating everything again

but like, i can't just fucking vent about how bad i feel all the time, but i dont know what i CAN do and i just want to scream because its like. im fucking trapped . and the longer im trapped, the shorter those windows of feeling normal are. and the more i feel like im irreversibly damaging any friendship i have. and its like ive been through this before, except the last time, i was 16, and apparently i havent learned anything since then because i dont make friends or form lasting connections

like. idk

nothing feels fucking worse than needing to be around friends and going through some rough shit and then apparently everything else is a trigger for something else completely stupid. and you end up feeling both like shit because of the base trigger and then also great, im a shitty fucking person because i cant accept that people are my friends and assume the worst. great . yeah this is a lot of fucking self pity but that's why it's under a read more .

oh. right. and i also have to fucking revisit whether i have a fucking dissociative disorder or not. or just try to float along and exist, but id rather not

#cw pet death #vent #cw rsd #cw self loathing

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zarovich · 4 years

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i wish i had someone to talk to

#personal #im so lonely rn #and im so bored.... and im really struggling rn atm... with things....#strugglung with my self harm and something else thats personal that ill only bring up in private #i just want a friend man... i dont really have anyone other than my bf and he lives so far away from me #im gonna end up spending my bday alone probably like always so thats fun... everyones probably gonna forget that its tomorrow #sigh... its cuz im not talented or beautiful like my cousins. thats why my family doesnt love me. bc im mentally ill 🙃#only person who doesnt judge is my brother and he doesnt even fully understand it all obv #and im sad bc i might not get anytbing for my bday...#bc my dad wont ask why hes not getting paid... you know like he should be?? they legit owe him like... 6000+ dollars #and my moms trying to get him to put his foot down but hes such a pushover that he refuses and pouts and doesnt do it #like sir.... we need the money we are literally borrowing money from my grandparents.... who are like 80....#its not just for things i want either but theres things i NEED too #like i need to get a new therapist and maybe a new psychiatrist. get my wisdom teeth removed. get my sleep study done... etc #i have fuckinf health problems dad and they need to be addressed #my dad has been doing this shit for YEARS now he refuses to do anything with confrontation like he wont even help my mom #get her drivers license renewed bc she cant do it bc she doesnt have a valid id anymore and she doesnt have the marriage certificate or smth #ugh idk im just rantinf.... i have no one to talk to and im upset...#i kinda just want to die

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alloutshirt · 5 years

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#negativity #dont bother reading i need to vent #my therapist really spent 45 minutes pushing me to anxiety attack at best and then my mom joined in like what the fuck #was that she really told me i would never get out of where im at that im not making any progress and that im not even trying #ive had depression and anxiety for fucking years i lost my whole teenage years to it and i havent tried to kill myself yet #but yeah im not fighting at all #i have no fucking idea who i am without it and i was fucking crying but she kept going at me and was like i know its hard #but someone has to tell you #damn thank you my brain and my parents have been telling me for years but thanks i def feel better now #ive always had bad vibes with her and the thing is i was getting better but now its all blown away cause no one cares enough to see it #i cant do anything while im stuck in this but i also cant get away #i cant even have someone to distract me and make me go out of my house cause i have no fucking friends not one and i never will #and my mom was like idk how to help her oh because you care now thats new she doesnt know shit about me and after everything she #really thinks i can trust her #my life doesnt mean shit and isnt going anywhere i have no goals apparently other people can see it too

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actualbird · 2 years

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peanut is luke's ESA (emotional support animal)

wc: 797

so in main story 5.3, i remember mc saying something about peanut in her internal monolog. something along the lines of like "peanut is a very well trained bird and it's not usually a species of bird one would get as a pet. was peanut given to luke by the NSB?" and i was like probably not! i really doubt that even the most well trained of birds can do very much in the missions that luke has shown himself to have taken (aka missions that expose him to DEADLY GAS THAT KILLED ALL HIS TEAMMATES AND NEARLY KILLED HIM) so for a long while, i figured luke just got peanut as a pet himself

but then today i was like. HM. NOPE. ACTUALLY, THE NSB COULDVE GIVEN PEANUT TO LUKE. just not for investigation purposes, but for luke's shitass mental health

the NSB gives Agent Raven a pet bird as an ESA, an emotional support animal

i know theres a lot of memes about this, the classic "sir, thats my emotional support fictional character" and i do love those memes. but also ESAs are very very helpful in terms of aiding the recovery/treatment of people with mental illness. it's not a cure all and definitely not something that all people will find helpful, of course, but for many, it can really frigging help (TRUST ME, i used to work for an animal assisted therapy health service, ive seen how much of a difference it can make for a lot of people okay).

ESAs have a lot of benefits like lessening anxiety and/or depression (and thus lessening physical symptoms of those things), providing companionship to lessen loneliness (which can exacerbate many mental illnesses), and in general just create this relationship of clear and mutual love which is great all around.

another thing that makes ESAs great is the fact that theyre domesticated animals and thus, they need to be taken of.

enter luke pearce.

hes great. hes awesome. hes smart as hell and skilled in combat and has probably killed people in the past and we just dont have a canon number for his body count. hes also got SUCH A TERRIBLY LOWLY VIEW OF HIMSELF that has been present even before he acquired his terminal illness. and to make all that worse, aside from aaron, luke is alone. he's away from mc and is probably already thinking of not returning because his job is violent and he needs to be violent and he cant let her see him like that.

luke doesnt see much value in himself and has little attachments. what happens when a guy like that ends up having to go on dangerous missions?

you get somebody who gets the job done and gets it done well but does it in a manner that pays no heed to his own safety. im pretty damn sure luke was getting a new stab wound like, every other month.

aaron is so stressed. HES SO STRESSED!!! and while aaron is a surgeon, he can definitely see that luke's mental state is gonna run his physical state into the ground. aaron has tried to get luke into therapy but luke always refused and when the NSB made it a requirement, luke was the MOST UNCOOPERATIVE MFER EVER. luke clams up when anybody tries to get him to confront the self destructive aspects of his personality!! hes always on guard!!!

but then one day aaron sees luke happily playing with some stray cats.

and aaron has a eureka moment.

he calls up some therapists, he pitches his case to NSB higher ups about how giving agent raven an ESA will absolutely totally help him stop being 1 inch from death after missions, and the NSB greenlights it because god they cannot lose agent raven since hes really frigging good

enter Peanut the Myna bird, the NSB sponsored ESA for the world's most depressed secret agent

luke, for the first week, is so so pissed at aaron for this. but then by the next week, hes stopped giving aaron the silent treatment. by the third week, luke is sending aaron pictures of peanut like, every frigging hour

and the change is noticeable. it's not perfect but...

luke takes care of himself more and is more careful not to get into as many life threatening injuries because now he has a little chirpy bird he needs to look after, something that relies on him and needs his care and also ensures he isnt alone, something that he loves and loves him needs him to come home

in short

luke: i am your best agent but i hold myself at such a low value that im basically suicidal in every mission

nsb: not allowed. heres a bird

luke: I WOULD DIE FOR THIS BIRD

nsb: ...try again

luke: I.....WOULD LIVE FOR THIS BIRD

aaron, from the sidelines: //THUMBS UP!!!!!!!

#tears of themis #luke pearce #tot luke #xia yan #tears of themis headcanons

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