#my instances of mysophobia | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heartbreak-human · 3 years

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TW: explicit thoughts of self harm and repulsive feelings and gross things you dont wanna think of

ive been seeing less ants i n my house, but there was a milliped thing and some gnats and i feel so gross

so disgusting

i want to scratch off all my skin and rip out all my hair

because i cant rid myself of this itchy feeling

you know it right?

the one that you get when you look at something that is just repulsive

not in the moist way, like mushy things or gore

but like insects, bugs, mold etc.

like there are millions of little unsanitary creatures crawling all over you

the way you felt when you first learnt of the existence of bacteria, or the bugs that eat your dead skin all over your bed,

or the way you felt when you discovered that sack of dead insect eggs hiding in the carpet of your elementary school classroom

currently my back, arms, thighs, feet, scalp, face, and neck are driving me crazy with the need to itch

the back of my throat needs to be scratched until im coughing blood

the insides of my nostrils feel so itchy i want to scratch them with knives

im shivering a bit too

i cant get the feeling of walking into spiderwebs out of the nerves in my left hand and wrist

this is why sometimes i make grids of cuts on my mosquito bites to lessen the feeling that comes with it- and replace it with another

im getting a headache from the amount ive blown my nose despite the fact that theres nothing to blow

it would be more pleasant living in a metal box

i feel disgusting

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thinslxx · 2 years

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Question plz interact if u can

OCD TW

So basically, I have severe OCD like really fucked to the point of not being able to tell what's real and what's not (cuz od intrusive thoughts and rituals). When I was younger I first started to get intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviour as in "something will happen if u change Ur bracelet" and random ass thoughts that I would obsess over. That's how it started but the issue is my cleaning rituals that are currently very bad and time consuming. But i sometimes look back and think where in the fuck did I get this. And then I pin pointed one instance where I was in a household of my friend that had family issues and she had pets too. No one cared enough to actually clean the house properly which I didn't care about ofc. I came to hang out and escape MY OWN household lmao. But anyways back to the topic at hand. I was in bed at her house, really late cuz my friend had fallen asleep. I was reading manga more accurately "Ten count" it's about a guy with mysophobia (?). And while I was reading just enjoying my time, one moment i was fine and the next a brand new✨ intrusive thought popped up and that thought was the first time that an intrusive thought was about cleaning/the cleanliness of the space I was around. Idk if it was like a trigger of some kind but this happens a lot, an intrusive thoughts connects and appears to what I'm doing atm. Thats when cleaning rituals started, at first I started being obsessed with hand sanitizer and felt like wherever people touched that it was "contaminated". But with time that eased and when it did thats when the washing/cleaning rituals started, from counting how many times I washed my hands to special ways I did it to showering and a lot more shit. Also all my rituals were HEAVILY done in private cuz I didn't want anyone to know. And literally a few years later I randomly wanted to re read ten count for the good old times of BL. And I was just chilling reading and then immediately a thought popped up and when simplified it literally states this "Ur OCD developed because of this manga. You faked it untill u made it. Attention whore"

And I just stood there for a second like hol up what😃. I'm pretty fucking sure a whole ass mental illness can't develop from that. Plus I was experiencing symptoms of OCD as a CHILD so before I even knew about that. And at the time the cleaning rituals were starting to manifest I later realised that the reason why I tried to mimick/create some type od cleaning ritual is because of an intrusive thought as well. It was that I didn't feel valid to have OCD without the cleaning. So another chain reaction. I consulted my therapist about it and she stated that usually rituals are created from intrusive thoughts. so an intrusive thought almost always comes first. Annnddd reading this made me realise how stupid all this is lmao. But it really hurts the intrusive thought about why my OCD developed. It makes me feel guilty and stressed and like I did this to myself and that. I'm a waste of time because of it. That I don't deserve anything and that I don't deserve help. But at the same time I'm professionally diagnosed (not only that but diagnosed 3 times by 3 different therapists all same diagnosis), I was told by my therapist that my OCD developed to to the sexual trauma i experienced as a child and the way I was brought up plus I know damn well that I'm embarrassed and that these rituals bring me harm. God I can even grow up to have skin issues and bone issues later in life cuz of the extent my cleaning rituals go and yet I can't fucking stop, no matter how hard I try I almost always come back to the start point.

Anyways i would really like to hear other ppls thoughts that are familiar with OCD or have OCD.

Lmao just realised that what I'm doing rn, that is seeking reassurance online is also a compulsion. My therapist mentioned this chain reaction once due to a diff situation bullshit bro, wow I love this disorder 😃

#thinn #tw #thinnn #thinnsp0 #ed #OCD #ocd #ocdawerness #thinspo #eating disorder

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imomomi · 4 years

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Me and Ma ( @of-heroes-and-dreams) were literally talking about this yesterday!!! And thank you so much, it really means a lot that you think I characterize him well and that you enjoy my writing 💖💖💖

Adding the rest of my response under the cut as it contains spoilers for non-manga readers!

There are some general points that I feel like people misunderstand about Sakusa:

He’s not cold or unfeeling. Generally, I believe to new people, he might come across this way, especially given how blunt he is, but with his close friends and teammates, there are instances where we see his genuine attempts to understand their feelings, even if he doesn’t empathize with them. I want to point to the panel after Itachiyama lost during nationals.

In this panel we see, Sakusa specifically say (regarding Hinata’s fever and Iizuna’s injury), that pity is unnecessary, but kindness should be extended. All one needs to do is offer the help they can give and nothing more. I also want to point out his face as he walks off. His team has lost, after having won the Inter High tournament, and everyone is whispering the same thing about how it’s such a shame that it happened. Sakusa, in Chapter 394, sought Iizuna out and asked him why he was upset, knowing that his injury wasn’t something that could be changed or prevented. Iizuna and Wakatoshi were both players that Sakusa admired and respected because they took such care to be in the right condition for every match. That extends to Sakusa. He does have mysophobia, but I think it stems from a desire to ensure that he won’t be a burden to his teammates and others. We know that he grew up mostly alone b/c his parents and siblings were busy. He might be the type to not want to interfere with their lives and getting sick or injured might be a part of that as they would need to take out time from their schedules…

His mysophobia doesn’t make him avoid all social interaction and touch, rather, he has specific instances where he dislikes it. Crowds being one, especially given that there are strangers there that might prevent him from being in peak condition. However, he later specifically says that volleyball is one thing that makes all his anxieties go away. Also, the limited interactions we see with his team show that Sakusa actually does have a sense of humor and empathy. The panel where we see him bending his wrist with a self-satisfied look on his face, probably knowing that it might freak others out slightly. He doesn’t avoid them, but rather goes out of his way to demonstrate a skill he’s proud of. His interactions with Atsumu, Bokuto and Hinata also showcase that he enjoys teasing his teammates, the scene where he says he’ll be the frist to get a service ace highlights this. There is a slight sense of confidence in his own abilities that comes out on display at times…AKA SAKUSA IS A HUGE DORK WHO KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO RILE HIS TEAMMATES…I believe that Furudate intended to use Sakusa more, but as the end came nearer, it was impossible to give him the development he needed, so we’re left to interpret the few panels we have.

Also, Komori points out that Sakusa is incapable of leaving things unfinished. He cleans and trains with the same efficiency because to him, it’s all connected. Having a clean environment will ensure that he stays healthy and in the condition needed to support his team and play without regrets…. anyway, this is a lot longer of an answer than I intended….

#ask #anon #sakusa kiyoomi #I went overboard and im sorry #this is a whole ted talk about why peoples should like Kiyoomi

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veilchenjaeger · 3 years

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This post is my Dear Creator letter for the SXX Exchange, so if you are not my creator, just keep scrolling!

Hello, nameless friend! I’m looking forward to spending the upcoming three years in Yi City with you! ||-) Feel free to find out how to trick me into killing innocent people by perusing the following guidelines!

General DNW:

Incest (Brief mentions of canon instances are okay.)

Noncon (Light dubcon is okay, though I prefer it to be handled with care.)

A/B/O or other animalistic characteristics

Bathroom kinks

Explicit underage sex

DDLG/ageplay

Pregnancy

Cheating

Fics set in the US (Yes, I do have strange pet peeves! The image of Xue Yang at Walmart still amuses me tho.)

Sexy punching or violent sex (I just don’t like it, sorry ;-; Rough sex is fine, especially between Xuexiao. Xue Yang is Like That, after all.)

PWP, unless otherwise specified. (Or whatever the art equivalent of a PWP is – I feel like there is one. It’s these days usually posted to Privatter.) Smut is a-okay! So is Porn With Plot, even if the plot is just character development! I’m just a lesbian and don’t look at/read about men having sex for the porn factor, so I like my smut to have/be centred around feelings.

Mean Dom Xiao Xingchen (It’s fun, but I feel like there’s so much of that out there already! Other flavours of Dom Xingchen are welcome.)

Quick “fixes” for disabilities (I’m good with e.g. Song Lan re-gaining speech in some way, if his unfortunate glossectomy is a thing that happened in the verse you’re writing in, but let him remain tongue-less and retain a speech impediment.)

General likes:

Blind Xiao Xingchen

Song Lan’s mysophobia being a thing that influences him

A-Qing!!!

Service top (or bottom)/sub Song Lan, but even more than that: vanilla Song Lan. This man’s favourite position is missionary.

Closed triangle SXX <3 Let them all love (or grow unhealthily attached to) each other <3

Any kind of universe, but especially canon verse, historical AUs that teach me something, and Modern AUs, and I have an immense soft spot for Modern with Cultivation.

Images that tell a story! Aesthetics™ and fashion designs (no matter the clothing style)! I’m a big fan of CQL visuals/designs, though I like all the other designs as well and really vibe with “custom” designs.

Kisses ;-;

Tenderness – that might end in or be born out of or happen in the middle of tragedy.

I like dark themes and I like softness and pretty much everything in between, pick your favourite!

Prompts

Copy-pasted from the sign-up form for your convenience!

(I in no way expect you to follow every detail of a prompt. See these as me throwing inspiration at you, just in case something sticks.)

Request 1: Songxiao-centric SXX.

Look. Songxiao have issues. They might be more subtle than the deceit- and murder-filled chaos Xuexiao and Songxue have going on, but they’re sure still there. I’d like to see a work that deals primarily (though probably not exclusively, idk if that’s possible if you want to make Xue Yang fit into this relationship) with those issues and/or the way Songxiao feel about each other in the context of an SXX relationship.

In canon-verse, the Songxiao divorce might have consequences for their relationship even after they reunite and reconcile (if they do, that is). In an AU of any kind, I believe that Songxiao with their communication issues might benefit from having another partner, even if – or maybe especially if! – said partner is Xue Yang. Put Xue Yang into the epicentre of an ongoing Songxiao divorce! Have Songxiao be exes that are still hung up on each other! Let Songxiao have a meaningful moment with each other and their shared boyfriend! And how does Xue Yang feel about all that?

DNW: Focus only on Songxiao’s Xue Yang-related issues. (Like different stances on how to deal with him/moral dilemmas etc.) Those can of course be explored, but Songxiao come with their own baggage and feelings for each other, and that’s what I’m the most interested in seeing addressed!

Request 2: Genderbent SXX.

Give me women ;-; Give me lesbians ;-;

I’d love to read more fic/see some art where they’re all women. The setting and point in their relationship development doesn’t matter as much. Feel free to combine this prompt with any of the others, too! That might be really interesting. This is also the one prompt where I’m very fine with a PWP (with feelings).

Optional things I would like: (Stone) butch Song Lan! (In case you’re an artist – if you design me a stone butch Song Lan, I’ll love you forever.) SXX-typical drama! Maybe even canonical/canon-verse drama! Complex characters/relationship dynamics! Boobs! Xue Yang being an awful person!

DNW: Soft Lesbians/conflict-free fluff; focus mostly/only on dicks (real or fake) in potential smut scenes; gender essentialism; temporary gender changes/“Turned into a woman”; genderbent A-Qing.

Request 3: A-Qing & Xiao Xingchen.

You know how MXTX once pointed out how close A-Qing and Xiao Xingchen were? Yeah. I’d like to see how A-Qing’s close friendship with Xiao Xingchen fits in with Songxuexiao (no matter the verse) and/or see her comfort/help Xiao Xingchen through potential troubles and be able to address her own insecurities and doubts with her Daozhang. She’s quite protective of Xiao Xingchen, after all, and I’d like Xiao Xingchen to be a good friend to her as well (and, in canon-verse, maybe notice that dismissing her doubts about Xue Yang wasn’t a very poggers thing to do, r.i.p.). It would also be fun to see her build/have a relationship with Song Lan or re-think her relationship with Xue Yang! Or make it A-Qing-centric and give her a conflict of her own that she can solve with the help of her two daozhangs and her house pest (affectionate). Anything that showcases their relationship is good!

Request 4: Xue Yang and his fierce corpse daozhangs.

The death number request.

Let’s say Xue Yang manages to raise Xiao Xingchen as a fierce corpse. He now has two undead daozhangs, and no one who stays with him or loves him willingly. What does he do? What do Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen do, if they’re able to make any independent decisions? Take this in any direction you want – happy ending welcome, but totally optional. If you want to, you have permission to kill Xue Yang.

Optional things I would like: Many bonus points for Xue Yang & A-Qing! Maybe he didn’t kill her in this verse. Maybe her ghost is haunting him. I’d very much love to see the two of them struggle with each other and this situation. I’d also be interested in seeing what’s going on in Xiao Xingchen’s and Song Lan’s heads during all of this and how their relationship develops.

DNW: Look. I don’t usually like to see noncon. But if that’s where your brain takes you with this, you get a free pass for it for this prompt. (Especially if you’re an artist – there’s a lot you could do with the visuals of fierce corpse mind control.) I’d prefer it if any actual noncon that goes beyond kissing and cuddling were portrayed as ugly and jarring instead of sexy, though, not overly explicit, and not connected to a happy SXX ending.

Am I setting myself up to get my heart wrecked here? Maybe. It’s up to you, dear nameless friend.

Request 5: Yicheng Xiao Sect.

Let’s get political! I think Xiao Xingchen should get everything he wants, including his own sect. But of course, if you found a sect, the bullshit of the cultivation world inevitably catches up with you. So give me a work that features a Songxuexiao sect and focuses on politics! I’d like to see the three of them struggle with the reality of sect leading while possibly also struggling with their own interpersonal dynamics.

Optional things I would like:

I wish to see A-Qing! They need a head disciple, after all, and I think she might just be a prodigy if she started cultivating.

If you go for canon-verse, I think it would be the most interesting if at least part of the Yi City arc/Songxiao divorce arc had already happened. What does it take for Songxiao to find their old dream again? Is the answer “Xue Yang”? And how did/do they get over their shared awful backstory?

Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen dealing with the fact that they might disagree on sect leading specifics, which is much more relevant if you’re actually running the sect and not just dreaming of it. This is especially spicy if they already went through one divorce.

Can Songxiao enter the realm of politics without compromising their principles? How difficult is it to both play nice with the Great Sects and be true to what you represent?

Xue Yang being or becoming an active and possibly vital member of the sect building process. What is his motivation here? Does the idea of radically questioning the system the Great Sects are built on excite the part of him that had his hand wrecked by a nobleman, even though he has no interest in making the world better? Is his input vital to making Songxiao’s idealistic dreams work in the real world? And what about his criminal record and reputation?

Feel free to let them (re-)join the main plot and/or have an ensemble cast! If that leads to background ships, I’m always a slut for Wangxian and enjoy Xiyao/3zun.

Some ideas for artists bc this one has been very writer-focused so far:

SXX sect colours/uniforms! I especially like the CQL approach of (adult) sect members sticking with a colour scheme/vibe but otherwise wearing different things.

Concept: Songxuexiao + A-Qing at a cultivation conference where everyone and their grandma is richer than them.

Where are their sect headquarters (if they have such a thing)? What do they look like?

DNW: If you end up making them mess with the main MDZS plot, I would appreciate if that didn’t result in Wei Wuxian staying dead ;-; We can’t do that to Lan Wangji.

I hope that there's something here that inspired you, and that you find candy on your bed every day during your stay in Yi City! If you want me to clarify anything, feel free to send me an anon ask!

#[talk less smile more]#/i've had most of these prompts ready for weeks

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