Tumgik
#my feelings have been reignited and I'm sure it'll just end up with me getting completely obliteratingly crushed by him once more
cuntwrap--supreme · 2 years
Text
Did sleep. Like, at all. I was up all night texting the manager from one of my past jobs that I've had a major crush on for over two years now. Longest I slept was about 2:30-7:00am. Other than that, I've been waking up as soon as I hear my phone. And you know what? I'm not upset about it. I'm hoping I'm not just reading shit into it that isn't there, but I feel like this is going really well? Like, I'm planning on asking if he wants to grab a drink and catch up whenever I can grow the balls to do so.
7 notes · View notes
twilights-800-cats · 7 months
Note
Just finished reading Starlight and hoo BOY! What an ending! That's not how I was expecting things to end at all, but knowing the ways you've deviated from the original, I suppose that book ending makes sense after all. Looking forward to the next book, whenever you get the time to write it!
I also just wanted to say that yours is one of the fan works that has actually reignited my love for the series again. So thank you and well done!
Starlight's ending was something I had in mind way back when I was first thinking up possible changes to the series, and it's one of the decisions that I was looking forward to the most. In a series this long, it's rare an idea like that sticks around.
However, and I think I can do this now that it's been some time now: Ashfoot wasn't originally going to die! That was actually an eleventh-hour decision that I made as I was finishing up the final part of the story.
Sometimes I get ideas like that, especially if I feel like I'm struggling with a certain chunk of a story. Twilight has, so far, been a pretty big example of this rule lol, but I think I've gotten it nailed down properly.
Speaking of Twilight, it's posting weekly over on Patreon right now, and after it gets a decent buffer over there, it'll come to my public mirrors. Patrons also get to see fun facts like the one above, lol :P
Warriors has been a huge part of my life and I'm honestly really happy to hear that my efforts have deepened the love that some have for it. Working on the AU has certainly shifted my perspective on the series, that's for sure.
For all its problems, these silly cat books unite us, and I'm endeavoring to make it through Arc 2 now that I've made it this far! It's readers like you guys that keep me going, and give me confidence that I can do more than write just silly cat fanfics one day <3
6 notes · View notes
lilacookiee · 4 months
Text
The new years message I'll never send
Happy new year! we broke up right on NYE last year and I'm glad to say I am put together way more together than I was back then. I still think of you as much as I did now, just like i was in at the beginning of this year but I'm starting to do a lot less of that now.
Had a few hiccups in love along the year, some being casual dates that never really stuck and one of the biggest hiccups was trying to reignite things with you even though all you wanted was my body and not everything that comes along with it. Well I guess I found out the hard way, that you just gotta break NC to ruin your own idealisation of them that time could change a person into missing you or loving you back. But if you did love me you wouldn't consciously choose to not love me or come back to me with each passing day. I realised that when you turned me down yet again. I wanted to be everything for you, even though you want nothing from me once you've had your fill. But that's okay. I still wish you the best, because if I had truly loved you, which I did, I'd want to see you happy with or without me, no matter how things pan out. I hope you get all that you've always wanted to achieve.
You told me that I deserve better, that I deserved to feel safe with someone new. I'm trying to fall in love with someone new now, after I told myself you'd be the last. 12 months after you, surprisingly, the butterflies with someone new feels refreshing, scary and exciting. I don't know how it'll pan out but it's definitely helping me remove you from the pedestal I've placed you on in my life, dissociating all the things about you from the things I see in life.
I'm carefully pouring in my love and attention into someone new, albeit with some fear and reserve because of the hurt you left me, but I remind myself that pain I feel from you dumping me just shows how much and how big of a heart I have, to give out that much of love, and I shouldn't be afraid of letting anyone in because who knows the next one might be the right one.
I wish you all the best, even though some days I'd wish that you'd come running back through that door but half of me who knows what you're capable of in breaking me, wishes we'd always stay apart, I loved you through and through, but maybe it's time I tell myself that it's not that our love ended, but it's been completed. Nothing more, nothing less that I could've done to make you stay or to have made it work. I've told myself this before and I'll say it again, But the moment you broke up with me, our lives went from intertwining to unravelling, a spool of soft yarn, not tangling, just used in different fabrics and clothes. And maybe with what I can do, I can pour it and make something else flourish into something that'd make me happy, I don't know but I'm sure as hell looking forward to being happy again in the arms of someone who will love and cherish me once again and make that last a lifetime.
Thank you for everything N, and take care.
Love,
Sunflower
0 notes
itsadamcole · 3 years
Text
christmas lights - pt. 4
fem!reader x drew mcintyre
Drew begins to make up for the six weeks him and reader were separated by making a nice romantic dinner on Valentine's Day, which leads to some serious conversations and rekindling their marriage ...
Tumblr media
word count: 4.5k+
warnings: mentions of cheating, slight drinking, loads of fluff, smut (because it's time that we have nice things in this mini-series)
— part 4. enjoy loves —
masterlist || request an imagine here
part 1 || part 2 || part 3
~ 18+ content below - read at your own risk ~
Drew's POV
"Sheamus, I need t'know what t'make Y/N for Valentine's Day," I say as I drive to the grocery store. "I wanna make a perfect dinner."
Sheamus' voice comes over the BlueTooth in my car as he says, "Bro, pasta dishes work every time. What kind of pasta dish does Y/N like?"
She likes lasagna but she also likes ravioli dishes. I could never go wrong with spaghetti because everyone loves spaghetti, plus there's always that chance at a Lady and the Tramp moment with the pasta.
I say, "I don't fucking know, dude. I know she likes a lot of different pasta dishes. Maybe I should just make peanut butter and jelly or something."
"Don't ya dare," Sheamus warns. "Y/N would get so mad."
She's at work all day and I asked for today off from work. It's literally eight in the morning and I have until four to get everything ready.
I pull into the parking lot at the grocery store as I say, "Lemme call Candice. I'm sure she knows."
"Good luck," Sheamus says before hanging up.
Then I dial Candice LeRae's number. It rings a few times before she says, "Drew, it's eight in the morning. What could you possibly want?"
I ask, "Yer Y/N's best friend. What's her favorite pasta dish?"
Candice is quiet before she says, "Lasanga casserole. Meat sauce. She loves that. Can I go back to sleep?"
"Yeah," I say. "Sorry fer waking ya."
The line goes dead and I go into the grocery store after looking up a recipe for lasagna casserole.
My goal for tonight is to reignite the flame that is mine and Y/N's marriage. We've been sleeping in separate rooms, and we've been good about it. I've only joined her in her bed once because it was storming out and she wanted me to stay with her. Other than that, we've been obeying the boundaries we set.
Separate bedrooms at night, no sex, no touching of the private parts, and no sexting when I'm away. It helps that I've been away for wrestling for most of the three weeks since we cleared the air so the separate bedrooms, no sex, and no touchy touches were easy. The no sexting, not so much. I came home yesterday to spend Valentine's Day with Y/N so maybe there can be some touchy touches tonight since I'm making dinner and it's a romantic day.
Y/N has no idea of what I have planned. Her presents will be waiting in the living room for her when she walks into the house after work. A large, life-sized teddy bear sprayed with my cologne will sit on the couch with flowers and chocolates on his lap. The house will be lit with candles.
Then we'll enjoy a candlelit dinner and dessert. The dinner will be made by me. The dessert is a cake that I ordered the other day that's sitting in the back of the refrigerator, hidden away from Y/N. We'll probably watch some cheesy romance movie since it's Valentine's Day.
I can only hope everything goes to plan, as long as I find where the damn ricotta cheese is in this store.
***
Your POV
You mope around the office all day. You'd much rather be at home with your husband than here at work. The past three weeks have gone by quickly, and you miss Drew.
He seemed okay with you coming into work today, but you requested to leave at four so you can at least be home for dinner by five. You'll probably end up ordering takeout honestly. You don't have anything big planned for tonight except ice cream and a movie.
Drew texted you a 'good morning' and 'Happy Valentine's Day' this morning around ten in the morning when he probably woke up. It made you happy and motivated you to get through the day.
The day goes by slow. A minute feels like an hour and an hour feels like an eternity as you write out this six-page report on the last meeting you had.
As soon as four hits, you say goodbye to your co-workers and grab your jacket before leaving.
It's a warm day in Florida today as you walk down to your car in the parking garage. You text Drew to say that you're on your way home before you pull out of the parking garage.
You drive home, and it's about 4:30 when you get there. Florida traffic is terrible during rush hour and you had to take the long way home instead of the quick five-minute drive because of traffic.
Drew's car hasn't moved in the driveway since you left at six this morning. You get out of your own car and walk inside. You hang your car keys up on the hook and take your jacket off. You kick off your shoes and walk into the living room with a sigh.
You freeze where you stand when you see what's sitting on the couch when you walk into the room. On the couch sits a teddy bear, flowers, and chocolates. You smile widely at the sight before walking over.
There's a note on the couch next to the teddy bear that's folded with your name on it. You giggle and unfold it, reading it to yourself.
Happy Valentine's Day, my love. If the house is still standing when you see this then come check the dining room.
Smiling, you walk into the dining room. Candles light the room and Drew dressed up in a suit stands beside the food filled table. Lasagna casserole with meat sauce, a bowl of meatballs and sauce, and breadsticks sit on the table. There's a bucket with champagne and ice next to the food. The candles are in the middle of the table and all the food.
You gasp and say, "Drew! This is amazing! I feel so underdressed for this dinner."
Your husband greets you with a forehead kiss before he says, "There's time for ya t'get changed if ya want. I just took the food out of the oven so it'll still be warm when ya come back down."
Giggling, you say, "I need five minutes to change then I'll be right back."
"Take yer time, love," Drew says, a smile on his lips.
You quickly run up the stairs. You certainly weren't expecting Drew to go all out today, not after the last few months. He did, though, and it's making you fall more in love with the Scotsman.
Quickly, you strip out of your drab office clothes and get into the white dress you wore on your first date with Finn, almost nine years ago.
The top of the dress is lacy with thin spaghetti straps. The v-neck dips low but doesn't reveal a lot. The skirt is ruffled and has two layers, one short and the second layer reaches about halfway down your thighs. You wear a pair of silver heels to go with the dress. The heels are a light silver color. You brush out your naturally waving hair and walk downstairs.
Drew's face immediately lights up with a smile when he sees you. "Wow," he says. "Still as beautiful as ya were on our first date."
As he pulls out your chair, you say, "So you did remember that I wore this dress on our first date."
"How could I not?" he asks, pushing your chair in when you're sitting in it. "Ya were stunning and I was extremely nervous."
Laughing, you help yourself to some lasagna casserole and meatballs. You grab a breadstick.
Drew takes his serving as he says, "So, I physically made the lasagna casserole and meatballs. I bought the breadsticks as well as the cake that's in the fridge."
"There's a cake in the fridge?" you ask, looking up at Drew.
He smiles and says, "Uh, surprise? I wanted t'go all out today. I know how much ya love Valentine's Day and I definitely wanted t'make sure today was yer day."
You smile and take a bite of the lasagna. "Well, thank you, Drew," you say. "This is amazing and I don't think I deserve it."
Your husband says, "Ya deserve it, Y/N. Ya one hundred percent deserve it."
The two of you make small talk as you eat the dinner that Drew made. You ask him how he got all this together today.
"I bought the ingredients today and started making dinner by like nine in the morning," he explains to you. "I texted ya at ten so ya thought I just woke up because that's when I usually wake up. I didn't want ya thinking something was off with me waking up early."
You laugh as you eat the meal Drew prepared.
He asks you how your day at work went.
"Well, Tom had me write a whole report on our meeting about finances the other day," you tell him. "Six pages due before I left. This feels like he's punishing me for calling our indefinitely while we were separated."
Drew frowns and says, "I'm sorry. I know how hard ya work, and that's another reason I went all out for dinner."
The comment makes you smile.
After you're both done eating, Drew puts the leftovers in containers before putting them in the refrigerator. He washes the dishes and you sit at the kitchen island counter, watching him.
He's trying to make up for the six weeks you two were apart. You can tell because Drew McIntyre never cooks or does the dishes.
Drew hums quietly to himself as you watch him do the dishes. Your head is in your hands and you smile at the sight.
"So, what flavor is this cake?" you ask, curious.
Your husband laughs softly and says, "Vanilla and chocolate swirl with buttercream icing. I know that's yer favorite because that was the flavor of our wedding cake."
The fact that he's remembering the slightest details from your first date and from your wedding day makes you so happy. He's incorporating these things into making this Valentine's Day the best one yet, and that's the thing you love most about Drew.
As Drew finishes up doing the dishes, you get up and walk over to him. Slowly, you wrap your arms around his waist from behind him and you look up at him. Even with two-inch heels on, Drew is still about eight inches taller than you.
"Thank you for dinner," you say. "It means so much to me that you did this."
He turns the water off and dries his hands before he turns around in your arms. Drew looks down at you and smiles as he says, "I hope ya enjoyed yer presents in the living room."
You giggle, "I'll definitely be putting that teddy bear to use while you're on the road. As for the flowers and chocolates, thank you."
Your husband pushes your hair out of your face and he says, "Yer welcome, love."
Drew's hand lingers on your cheek a little longer than it probably should but you don't mind. As a matter of fact, you lean into his gentle touch so he knows it's okay.
It's been a while since he's touched you like this and you want to enjoy it.
"How about that cake?" Drew suggests. "I know yer just dying t'dig into that."
You giggle and let Drew go so he can get the cake out. "You definitely know me better than I know myself," you say, watching him take the cake out of the refrigerator and put it on the counter.
Drew cuts a piece for you and a piece for himself before he takes your hand and walks out into the living room. The couch is big enough for you, Drew, and the human-sized teddy bear so the two of you sit beside each other on the couch.
Your husband pulls up Netflix and turns on your favorite romance movie, After. Of course, Drew sits through After We Collided as well. He knows these are your favorite romance movies, and he knows how much you adore Hardin Scott's character. You do have a thing for accents.
Then you put on Drew's favorite romance movie, A Star Is Born. You're both a fan of this movie, and you both sing Shallow extremely off-key.
It's about one in the morning when you're done watching all three movies. The two After movies were about three and a half hours combined then A Star Is Born is just over two hours long, and you started watching the movies at about seven that night.
You're cuddled against Drew as he turns off Netflix. He looks down at you and asks, "Ya tired, love?"
Shaking your head, you say, "Nope. Are you?"
Drew shakes his head and says, "No."
You sigh and take his hand in yours, playing with his fingers. "We could, um, talk," you suggest. "About everything to see what we're both thinking."
Your husband says, "Okay. Tell me what's on yer mind."
Sighing, you meet Drew's eyes as you say, "I, uh, miss falling asleep in your arms and waking up beside you, like when your home and stuff." You continue playing with his fingers.
"Do ya want me back in our bedroom?" Drew asks slowly. "Or even just a few times a week? It doesn't have t'be every night if ya don't want."
Drew looks at you intently before you say, "When you're home, I'd like to sleep in the same bed as you. I feel like three weeks is long enough for you to be in a separate bedroom."
A small smile forms on Drew's lips as he says, "Then I'll sleep in our bed again if that's what ya want."
Nodding, you say, "That's what I want. Is that what you want?"
You don't understand why this is kind of awkward. You're just asking your husband to start sleeping in your shared bed again.
"It's what I want," Drew states. "Since we're on the topic of, uh, the boundaries we talked about. Since we're sleeping in the same bed again, do the no touching and no sex boundaries apply?"
You didn't think about that when you asked Drew to sleep in bed with you again.
Sighing and still playing with Drew's fingers, you say, "If the opportunity to have sex arises then I won't stop it. It's been a while since we've been, um, intimate with each other so I wouldn't mind."
Drew smiles as your face gets a little flustered. You've never been good at talking about sex, and it gets you all hot sometimes, like right now.
He pulls his fingers away from you and you pout. Drew says, "So we're basically saying no more boundaries." It wasn't formed like a question.
"Well I'm not saying we get naked right here on the couch and have sex right now," you say, suppressing a giggle. "But technically, yes. We're saying no more boundaries."
A sigh of relief leaves Drew's lips as he says, "Thank God because sleeping in the guest room is torture knowing ya're just down the hall."
You laugh and look up at Drew. You turn your body so you're facing him more. A smile lights up Drew's face.
He's happy that there aren't boundaries anymore. You never called them rules because rules are always tempting to break, and you wanted to make sure to move slow instead of rushing into your relationship like it was before Christmas.
Both of you are quiet before you say, "Thank you for respecting my wishes while we worked on our marriage, Drew. It shows me that you wanted to work on it too."
Drew says, "I woulda moved out if ya told me to. I wanted to do this right." He pushes a stray hair off your cheek. "If fixing our relationship while spending some time apart is what helps us in the end then I'm happy t'do it."
A smile forms on your face as you say, "I love you. Thank you for sticking around even though I've been difficult."
Your husband says, "And I love ya. I would do anything fer ya, Y/N. Ya know this."
"I do know this," you say as you lean your head up a bit, wanting a kiss.
Drew gets what you're trying to say and he slowly leans into you, his lips ghosting over yours lightly. A soft gasp leaves your lips as your heart races in your chest.
While you slept in separate bedrooms and didn't see much of each other, kisses between you and Drew were rare. Every kiss felt like the first kiss you ever had with him. This one especially feels like that.
Your eyes flutter closed as Drew finally presses a soft kiss to your lips. Butterflies form in your stomach as your lips move against Drew's. One of his hands rests on your waist and one of your hands is on the side of his neck.
The kiss slowly becomes more intense as Drew begins to kiss you with more passion. You welcome the passionate kiss as Drew's hand migrates from your waist to your back. He presses you against him as you throw one of your legs over one of his so you're closer to your husband.
In between kisses, Drew asks, "Are ya still not tired?"
You shake your head slightly and say, "No. You?"
"No," he replies. "Wide awake."
This moment has been building for a while. It started almost as he came back home. Now that it's started, you don't want it to stop.
The kiss intensifies more when Drew's tongue swipes across your bottom lip, asking for entrance. You part your lips a bit and his tongue finds its way into your mouth. You sigh softly as the kiss turns into a make out session.
Drew's hands are both now on the small of your back as you now cup his face in your hands. Sighs leave both yours and Drew's lips, especially after you crawl onto his lap. You straddle his thighs to make it easier to kiss him.
You pull back, needing a second to breathe. You pant, "We lift all boundaries and now we're making out on the couch."
Your husband laughs and leaves soft kisses all over your face. "Is there something wrong with making out on the couch?" he asks, smiling.
"No," you giggle. "But have you met us? Making out usually turns into something more."
His kisses leave your face and migrate down to your jaw. He mumbles, "Would that be a bad thing though? It's been a long time since we've done anything. At least four months."
You sigh, "We just lifted the boundaries. It would be terrible timing."
Drew smiles as he kisses your neck before he says, "I've missed ya like this, Y/N. I've missed us like this."
It has been a long time since either of you have been intimate with each other.
"I've missed you like this too, Drew," you say, melting under his touch. "And it has been a long time since we've been like this. I don't care how bad the timing is anymore."
Your husband looks up at you and asks, "So, are we having sex tonight?"
Giggling, you say, "As long as we take it upstairs because I don't want to make a mess on the teddy bear."
"Done," is all Drew says before he scoops you up into his arms and takes you upstairs to your shared bedroom. He holds you bridal style in his arms as he walks up the stairs.
You leave kisses on his cheek and neck as he walks with you to the bedroom.
He walks into the bedroom and puts you down at the foot of the bed. You lean up and kiss him passionately. You hook your fingers into the belt loop of his suit pants and pull him against you.
Honestly, you don't hate the idea of having sex with Drew tonight. It's been so long since you have. You miss being intimate with him.
Slowly, you pull off Drew's jacket and let it fall to the floor. He undoes his tie, and all of this as his tongue finds its way into your mouth again. You sigh softly and your fingers begin to unbutton Drew's shirt after you untuck it from his pants.
His hands are on your back, near the zipper of the dress.
You pull his shirt off and it joins the jacket and now the tie on the floor. Drew unzips your dress and you pull the straps off your shoulders. The dress falls to the floor and pools at your feet, leaving you in only your panties.
Your fingers slide down Drew's chest as the kiss continues. You run your fingers down his stomach until they reach the button on his pants.
Both of you kick off your shoes before Drew pushes you onto your back on the bed, breaking the kiss. You move back a bit and watch as he pulls off his suit pants, leaving him in his boxer shorts.
"Ya have no idea how long I've waited just t'see ya and touch ya like this again," Drew tells you as he crawls up to you, kneeling between your legs.
You cup his face in your hands and say, "I've waited just as long as you have, Drew."
He smiles at you as his eyes roam your exposed upper body. You lay on your back and Drew leans down, kissing your chest down to your breasts. He takes one of your nipples in his mouth, sucking gently as his fingers play with the other. You gasp and sigh, arching your back slightly off the bed. You grasp onto the covers as Drew continues down your body, kissing down your belly until he gets to the waistband of your panties.
Drew looks up at you and asks, "May I?"
You nod, eager. He pulls off the panties you're wearing, and you may or may not be just a tiny bit wet. Hearing Drew talk about how much he's been waiting for this and wanting this has made you a little wet.
He bites his lip before diving in. Your back arches off the bed and you moan, "Drew." Your fingers find their way into his hair as his tongue swirls around your clit.
Your breathing soon becomes labored as Drew kisses and sucks on your core. He slips a finger into you and you moan a little louder.
It's been way too long since you've been with Drew like this, and you don't plan on ever going four months without sex ever again.
Drew's finger moves slowly and your back arches off the mattress. Your eyes are closed as your sense of touch takes over. Drew sucks on your clit and adds a second finger.
"Drew," you moan out. "Baby, please."
He looks up at you and asks, "'Please' what, love?"
You open your eyes and look at your husband as he licks your arousal off his lips. "I need you," you whine. "Please."
Drew pulls his fingers out of you and you let out a little whine. He pulls off his boxers and reaches over onto the bedside table to grab a condom out of the box that's in the drawer.
He's on his knees between your legs as he slides the contents of the tiny silver package he pulled out of the drawer onto himself. You watch as he crawls on top of you. You lean up and kiss Drew softly, pulling him down to you. His chest is pressed to yours and you wrap your legs around Drew's waist.
After a second, Drew pulls back and asks, "Is this what ya really want? I don't want t'continue if this isn't what ya want."
You push Drew's hair behind his ears and say, "I want this Drew. I've wanted this for months. I want this to happen."
A smile forms on Drew's lips as he kisses you again. You feel the tip of his member run through your folds and you sigh softly against his lips. Your hands are in his hair, gripping lightly as Drew begins to slide into you.
Moans pass through your lips into the kiss as Drew's length fills you up. Drew holds himself up above you as he begins to thrust slowly into you. Moans escape your lips as Drew moves.
Drew leaves kisses on your neck as he moves sweetly and passionately.
The room is filled with the sound of skin slapping and your moans. Drew leaves marks on your neck and his thrusts begin to speed up.
"Oh, Drew," you moan softly. "Don't stop, please."
Your husband smirks against the skin on your neck and moves deeper into you. His tip grazes your g-spot and you cry out in pleasure.
He knows how to make you feel good. It's almost like he hasn't missed a beat since the last time you had sex.
Drew grunts above you as he begins to hit your g-spot over and over again. Your nails are digging into Drew's back as he moves.
Your husband takes one of your hands in his as he moves. He kisses you again.
You don't say anything before you orgasm. You release on Drew's member and he soon follows. Both of you moan each other's names and a bunch of profanities as you both come.
Drew pulls out and rolls off of you, pulling off the condom and tying it off before throwing it out. You crawl under the covers after Drew cleans you both up, a smile on your lips.
He joins you under the covers as you both catch your breath. You look up at your husband and say, "You have a lot to live up to next Valentine's Day."
"I think I already know what I can do," Drew says, leaning in and pecking your lips. You giggle and intertwine your fingers with his as you move onto your side so you're facing him.
Drew moves himself close to you and cups your face, looking at you. Your eyes meet his and you say, "I love you so much."
Your husband says, "I love ya more." A smile forms on his lips as you bury your face into his neck, closing your eyes.
You almost lost this. You almost lost laying in his arms at night when you were feeling upset or just to snuggle after sex. You almost lost him, and you're so glad that you heard him out. You didn't just let him go, because you love him and wanted to work on your relationship.
tags: @drewmcintyrekoccsrocbwdgfan
106 notes · View notes
miss-misguidedmoon · 2 years
Text
110321 0157
i feel like i should be sad about things coming to an end.. but i'm not that sad. maybe it'll hit me once everything is settled and in front of me. change has always been hard for me, but this is something i guess i've been wanting for a long time. i mean, why stay in something that has no value to you anymore? why stay in something that you dislike? i'm already referring to it as the end, so maybe it won't be as bad when it's actually presented to me.
i think i'm just really excited for what's coming next for me.
things should have never progressed as it did. i always felt pressured and got sucked into things even though deep down, i didn't really want to go through with it. i felt like i couldn't say no. i didn't even want to ask you out. we should have stayed broken up that night, went home, and discontinued contact with each other. why did you even want to continue something with someone who told you that they were moving states in two months? is it because i have a plan for my future and i seemed so promising in the beginning? truth is, is that the person that you met and the person that you fell for, wasn't truly me. yes, it was apart of me sure. but was it my true self? no. my true self if the person that i am now. this is the person i have always been, and after that "rave phase", i ended up finding myself again and realizing that i was always trying to fit into boxes that i could not fit into.
realizing that this is the real me has been the best thing ever. i like to keep certain things about my life private. i'll show you off if i feel like it and i should not feel obligated to ever do something out of guilt.
if there are so many things that you wish i did, then i'm clearly not the person for you. you should always end up with someone who you don't want to change. i've beeeen saying that and i still ignored it.
i wonder why i always get like that. i get so into someone in the beginning and ignore all of the red flags. i saw things that weren't normally my cup of tea but i was trying to be open minded. maybe i am a princess, but i know what i want. the longer that things went on, i just realized that you weren't the person i wanted either. i wanted to change so much about you and disliked so many things that you did. but that's you. i can't change that, nor should i want to change that. we are clearly just different people and that's okay. we just aren't for one another.
i've done some fucked up things. like extremely fucked up things.. but my heart is so detached that i just don't care anymore. the connection has been gone, and idk why we even tried to save it so many times. we've both known this for so long and i've tried to reignite that spark, but when i see simple adult things not being done or taken care of, it's such a turn off. i shouldn't have to ask or beg for little things to be cleaned.
i'm the only one who takes care of all of the housework so might as well only be the only one living in the house that's being taken care of by me. yeah i'll be struggling with money while i'm in school, but i also did say that i wanted to come out here and struggle a little bit to see what it was like. it's a way to push me out of my comfort zone and not have to always rely on other people. of course i have my family to fall back on, but this is something that i want to challenge myself with. i can't challenge myself when there are things holding me back.
i guess i am keeping that promise to myself. this whole thing got in the way of some of my classes and caused my mental to get so bad. there were so many times that mental breakdowns could have been avoided if this never continued. once things started to get in my way, that was when i was going to end it. i can't let things get in the way of my mission and the reason i'm doing all of this in the first place. i have a few more years before i can complete this goal of mine and it's time that i stick with what i've been telling myself for years. i never did that for myself. be alone. it's okay. you can do whatever you want and you'll be so much happier.
i hope you find someone that matches you energy and gives you the attention you want and deserve. i'm not that person. i can't give you what you want, and that's the reason why this should have ended so long ago. i'm sorry i dragged it on forever but i guess we both needed the time to emotionally detach from one another. you tried, but i couldn't any longer. i'm sorry. but you'll find what you're looking for in someone else, and hopefully i will too.
0 notes