#my baby brother for him has an insanely healthy dynamic with him

[murderluv23]

Time to give my Lucifer's son headcanons because they've been stewing in my head for years and now having solid material for canon everything can be fresh and consistent. No. I don't have self control. Let's go.

He's shorter than Lucifer. Like just below his shoulder.

Right now, banking on his name being Azazel. (Can change, though.)

Azazel is far more stoic and stern than both Lucifer and Charlie.

Most people are terrified of him due to his unreadable expression and general quiet nature.

Plus this freakish thing he does with his eyes where they go all black and he stares coldly ahead. It makes people feel like their heart is being swallowed by a black hole. He's silent and frozen to the spot every time and so are the people who have the misfortune of seeing it.

Azazel has the "family red cheeks" and is the spitting image of Lucifer. People mistake him for his father all the time and can only tell the difference from the fact Azazel is smaller.

And the dark circles. Azazel constantly has dark circles under his eyes and wearing a frown. He is consistently stressed and overworked.

Azazel takes the duties to his family and Hell very seriously. He refuses to budge on it.

Azazel was the golden boy of the family.

Despite his moodiness, him and Lucifer have always gotten along.

Lucifer has been frightened of interacting with Azazel. Like he freaks out with Charlie. Surprise, surprise he's a mess. But it's more due to how strict he is.

Lucifer doted on Azazel since he was a baby and gave him a lot of attention. He had him on his lap to exhaustion. To the point he panicked and thought he lost his only son if he couldn't see him there.

Spoilers: He was either on Lucifer's back or with Lilith.

Lucifer showered Azazel with fatherly kisses whenever he "found" him.

Azazel kept Lucifer's first ever made duck and refused to go anywhere without it. Azazel still has it and keeps it on his person.

Fuck around and find out by trying to take it or damage it. Go ahead.

Azazel crafted himself a duck onesie to wear when he was younger and rushed to Lucifer to show him. Saying and I quote "This duckie you made was perfect".

Lucifer was deceased for like two weeks minimum. He couldn't function. He had to be moved manually. Calls to Lilith were either dead silence with Lucifer staring at the ceiling or Lucifer crying and squealing incoherently about it. Lilith's and Charlie's phone were blown up with countless photos of Azazel with edits of anything cutesy he could find.

Azazel spent most of it in his onesie and sitting on Lucifer's chest to make sure he wasn't dead.

Azazel struggles with depression and paranoia.

Lucifer took it upon himself to pacify him every time.

They had a close relationship but Lucifer had difficulty touching Azazel because he would freak out via violent demonic outbursts because of Azazel's difficulty with conceptualizing anyone approaching him for affection rather than danger. Lucifer going for a hug or any simple touch was an uphill battle of trial and error.

Lucifer had to craft things that trained Azazel's responses to understand the situation. Lucifer had little polkadotted bean bags in his hands and made them visible so Azazel understood he was going for a hug and there was no danger.

This was after countless times Lucifer had to just slowly inch towards Azazel before he got a positive response and Azazel came to hug him on his own accord.

Azazel had breakdowns bad enough to shake all of Hell. Most of them happened due to Charlie.

Lucifer was quick to go in the danger zone to sooth him after asking Charlie what she did that time.

"Whoa! That was close! Have you been practicing, sweetie? That's so great. Hahaha."- Lucifer, after dodging countless knives and angel spears Azazel aimed every which way at him, including his head.

Azazel always was in a ball crying his eyes out in Lucifer's arms after ages of him destroying everything.

Azazel hasn't cried since he was little.

Azazel can travel through dimensions and provides knowledge to humanity. It's a role he plays.

Azazel can shapeshift into anything. But he has a wolf form with a snake tail.

Lucifer has described Azazel as sweet as a puppy, both as a pun and because he genuinely finds his son to be a sweetheart. No one believes him. That boy has never cracked a smile in front of anyone.

Azazel genuinely wishes the best for his father and does everything he does because he's seen how the years have weighed on him.

Azazel is loyal to a fault and does everything within his power just to make Lucifer happy. That includes workload.

Lucifer regrets how some of his habits as a parent has made Azazel so overly disciplined and serious.

Azazel and Charlie have a strained relationship. Really strained.

Azazel believes the Hazbin Hotel is childish and shaming their family. While also giving Lucifer unnecessary stress. Azazel doesn't appreciate Charlie calling Lucifer to ramble about her playing in a sandbox.

Charlie, when asked about her younger brother, says he creeps her out. Majorly. Like- The Shining twins level of creeps her out.

Him possibly entering the Hazbin Hotel is her worst nightmare.

Basically, Azazel is like what people expected Lucifer to be like.

Azazel is highly polite in speech and mannerisms. But that is just more nerve wracking

There's always this air of "if you have one eyelash out of place, you're dead".

Charlie still has her people pleasing attitude with him. In fact, she doubles down.

Unfortunately, Azazel is never amused and sees through any attempts to pacify him. He's short and cold as ice.

Charlie can't comprehend why, despite them being siblings, Azazel feels like a stranger who couldn't care less is some random demon ate her or something. As long as it didn't inconvenience their father.

Azazel and Charlie never sat down for a conversation when they were younger.

Charlie has only seen Lucifer doting on him from afar.

Azazel resents Charlie for how she's treated him.

Azazel is a teen.

Azazel shares musical talent with his family.

Lucifer says he has a phenomenal voice and encourages him to actually get into singing and dancing. But Azazel always turned it down out of shame.

Lucifer always sung Azazel lullabies. Especially when he had nightmares and cried for him.

Lucifer still does. What? He wants his baby boy to get good sleep. He won't do it himself.

Azazel acquired his talent for singing through memorizing Lucifer's tones when he sung him to sleep.

Azazel hums his favorite lullaby from Lucifer to calm himself.

Azazel's favorite food is macarons and chocolate cakes. Though he doesn't eat them because they are unhealthy.

Lucifer spoiled him with them when he was small.

Azazel loves teas. So long as they are plain or natural without any sugars or added things.

Azazel believes Charlie is fake.

Azazel exclusively calls his sister Charlotte.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel spoilers #lucifer morningstar #lucifer hazbin hotel #azazel morningstar #hazbin hotel headcanons #hazbin hotel OC #charlie hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #morningstar drama and angst let's go #and father-son fluff #lucifer deserves it #I can keep going just say the word #hazbin/helluva character: h- me: you have a younger brother you have a rocky relationship with #minus angel dust #my baby brother for him has an insanely healthy dynamic with him #he has arackniss- that is more than enough shit sibling wise #tw mental breakdown

[kingspite]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

♚ WELCOME TO MY BLOG ♚

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

: ̗̀➛ ABOUT ME ♔

hii ! call me Felix! :]

✶ 19 yo, white

✶ nonbinary transsexual first and foremost 🏳️‍⚧️. transmasc genderfluid (mostly demi-male). bisexual + greyromantic/arospec (?)

✶ pronouns: he/they/fae/rot/igni (she > ask before using)

✶ basque (bzk) (spanish)

✶ languages: 🇪🇦, 🇩🇪, 🇺🇲, (🇲🇫 , a little). (currently learning 🇹🇩 + 🇷🇺)

✶ ☀️ ♏︎ , ⬆️ ♌︎ , 🌙 ♉︎ . INFJ ⅘

✶ 89% chances of being OCD + Maybe??autistic?/NPD?(??). definitely some flavor of neurodivergency. idek but i have things to do so i don't have time to think about that right now! :))))

: ̗̀➛ INTERESTS ♔

✎ Literature, film, animation, poetry, linguistics. Politics, philosophy and history/queer history, ocasionally. Also anime and cartoons. also drawing, writing, reading, etc etc.

✎ more fandom-centred, but will post about any of the above ^ as well.

✎ VERY multifandom

ೃ⁀➷ MAIN FANDOMS :

Red Queen series, The Hunger Games/TBOSAS, The Poppy War series, Dune series, My Hero Academia, Grishaverse series, ATLA, Infinity Train, Attack on Titan, Chainsaw Man, HoTD, Gravity Falls (but I reblog stuff about other things too)

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･

👑 RED QUEEN ⚡️

SHIPS

Leader of Thomaven + Mareven nations (I don't actually ship Mare and Maven romantically, their canon dynamic just has been keeping me clinically deranged and unhinged and feral for years. like I adore them but please don't become canon ever. (actual mareven shippers who think they should end up together pls DNI :))

Maven x Iris enthusiast (is there a ship name for them??? if there is please someone correct me). Started as a crackship now we're here

Marecal #1 supporter + #1 Evangelane enthusiast !! also like Shade x Farley a whole lot! :)

Coriara enthusiast too (let me be delusional idk. comphet hit them both hard).

Not much of a fan of Kilorn x Cameron, don't rlly mind the ship either.

CHARACTERS

Can u believe I'm a sophomore college student and still I have a PhD in Maventology. Consult me before doing as much as thinking about him. I'm def not chronically clinically insanely deranged about him. I like him a normal, healthy, and perfectly stable and definitely not autistic amount. I do not relate to him on a spiritual level at all, he absolutely isn't "just like me fr fr". Also he fucked up bad but god forbid a twink ass bisexual guy with 87 mental illnesses and 56 personality disorders be a little bit of a silly goofy jester. my poor little meow meow my loser bf my 3-apples-tall son my whole lifeline.

Definitely a Maven apologist but also he did everything wrong and was an awful, horrible person and he's also my little baby who deserved more love. yknow how it is. also toxic maven stans who love him but hate mare and cal and also sexualize him to filth BIG DNI. you're weird!!

Also dm me before speaking on Mare Barrow or Cal Calore, please and thank you. they consume my every-waking thought, both individually and as a ship :))

Devoted to the Queens of Girlbossia Evangeline Samos and Iris Cygnet (they did many things wrong but god forbid women do anything🙄).

Also Evangeline hatred is absolutely not deserved and NOT welcome here.

BIG Kilorn Warren, Shade Barrow, Cameron Cole and Coriane Jacos enthusiast. AND Elara Merandus enthusiast (and borderline apologist)

RELATIONSHIPS

CEO of the Calore brothers. No one understands them like I do (u can trust me i have older sibling issues). and again pls do consult me before speaking on them. The amount of mental illness they give me every single minute of my life is beyond human comprehension and they make me soooo miserable beyond belief and the amount of love i have for them is immesurable and they don't even know it !!😔

Jacos siblings, Cole siblings enthusiast.

PhD in Merandus family-tology - and with Merandus family I mean Elara and Maven. Like that's literally me and my mom what are u talking about. every time i think about them i age up 89 years they make me convulse and shriek on the floor. no one criticize them without my consent thank u 🫶

Also House Merandus, House Jacos + House Calore (more lowkey) enthusiast

Note! Hate the Calore brothers all you like (ur wrong, but it's allowed ig) but Mare haters are NOT welcome in this blog (especially the ones that call her "annoying". get a grip ❤️).

Also if you hate Elara you are right but also very boring. and not welcome here either.

🐍THE HUNGER GAMES/TBOSAS 🌹

Consult me before speaking on Snowplinth or Coriolanus or Sejanus individually thank you very much. Also like Snowbaird a lot (not as a ship!). Coriolanus Snow is bisexual and OCD/BPD yes it's a canon fact he told me himself. Lucy Gray Baird defender (can't believe I have to say it but some of you have god awful takes on her omg).

# Peeta Mellark enthusiast. also Everlark, Haymitch, Cinna and Johana enthusiast. Also like Katniss a lot lot she deserved none of that!! Sort of Gale apologist (didn't like him at first, think he is WAY overhated now).

🧧 THE POPPY WAR 🔥

Fang Runin, Yin Nezha and Chen Kitay are all my children and under my protection. I apologize Rin's war crimes as a full-time job now, too. Have been deranged obsessed with her losergirl bisexual BPD ass since day 1 🤞🤞(I've only read the first book, so I know no further spoilers!!!). Chagaltan enthusiast (they are both incredibly gay just too busy planning mass murder to realize!) I love Altan Trengsin a normal amount as well :)))

❄️ MY HERO ACADEMIA 🔥

Touya apologist, LoV apologist, Shigadabi/Dabihawks and Togachako enthusiast. Also Hawks, Lady Nagant, Overhaul, Aizawa, Shinsou enthusiast. Todoroki family enthusiast too, especially Touya and Natsuo (Ende*vor not included).

♦️ GRISHAVERSE ♠️

Kanej and Wesper lover. Kaz Brekker and Nikolai Lantsov CEO, Jesper Fahey and Nina Zenik enthusiast :)

🌪🔥 ATLA 🌊🌱

consult me before speaking on Azula or Zuko thanks :] (I don't really care much about ships in this fandom, so I don't really have strong opinions about it lol. Still, i'm more of a Kataang and Sokka x Suki enthusiast). If you hate Katara or Aang I hate you <3

Also the whole Zutata vs Kataang ship is tired. If ur a Zuko stan AND a toxic Zutara shipper get out, idc

⚔️ ATTACK ON TITAN 🩸

Eren, Armin, Jean enthusiast. Don't really care for ships in this anime either, except maybe Jeanmarco and Historia/Ymir. Not a big fan of Eremika or Eremin (I like them way more platonically), but again idrc. the only thing I really care about is my mental health after watching this

♾️ INFINITY TRAIN 🚃

Simon Laurent #1 Connosieur. thank god Infinity Train is not that famous and I can gatekeep this bpd/ocd-ass blond gay twink demon. I might like Simon and Grace a little bit, they might make me a little bit sick (in a non-ship way!!!!!). Also am a Lake enthusiast and canon-trans-Lake truther, and Amelia is very cool too. Sure would haven been very cool if we'd seen her and Hazel make a found family :)))) sure would be :))) Also! season 4 defender and Ryan Akagi enthusiast. Also Min-Gi did nothing wrong he was just going through some things!).

🪚CHAINSAW MAN 🩸

Denji enthusiast, Aki Hayakawa's #1 lover. no one gets his sadboy eyes look and lack of wanting to save himself like I do. Also #1 Akiangel enthusiast. Also Nr 1 Hayakawa family (that is Denji, Aki and Power) enthusiast. found family save me found family save me found family

🏜 DUNE 🪱

I've only watched the movies, but it's enough to know that Chani deserves better, that Jessica served intergallactic lesbian pussy for almost three hours straight, and that blue-eyed white men must be stopped (still love Paul tho). House Harkonnen enthusiast.

🛡 HOUSE OF THE DRAGON 🐉

Rhaenicent lover, Alicent apologist (what did she do wrong, really), Aegon enthusiast. Neutral leaning team green. love some of the blacks, don't really love most their fans that much :)) . More plot-/individual characters-focused than team-focused, really. if you are blatantly misogynistic towards ANY female hotd character (yes, including the ones you hate), gtfo of this blog.

Other Things I reblog stuff about:

͟͟͞͞➳ The owl house, GRAVITY FALLS, Arcane, Voltron, etc

͟͟͞͞➳ Hannibal, Interview with the vampire, His Dark Materials, Miss Peregrine's House for Peculiar Children, A Series of Unfortunate Events, etc

͟͟͞͞➳ Fullmetal Alchemist, Banana Fish, Monster, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Devilman Crybaby, Nana, etc etc. Big fan of psych horror anime!

͟͟͞͞➳ Studio Ghibli, 80/90s anime

͟͟͞͞➳ The Magnus Archives, Welcome to Night Vale

📚 LITERATURE

☆ Favorite genres:

(high) fantasy, horror, sci-fi, gothic lit, classic lit, OE/ME lit, speculative fiction, anything "dark academia".

☆ Favorite books/series:

Red Queen series, The Hunger Games, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, The Poppy War, Grishaverse, the Picture of Dorian Gray, anything (and I mean it) by Donna Tartt, Terry Pratchett or R. F. Kuang. and many, many more.

etc.

~ I reblog art, writing, poetry and fandom stuff, but above all I reblog Silliness :)

TW‼️

// I reblog body horror/gore/sensitive stuff sometimes (usually tagged as such). If they're not tagged with a "tw: gore/body horror/blood" , they're under #🔪 or #🩸.

DNI

- terfs, transmeds, proshippers, pro-israel freaks (just bigots or weirdos in general.)

#about me #personal #pinned post #why did I make this after being on tumblr for almost 3 years you ask? #I got bored of my bio #and all this didn't fit so #here we are

[astermacguffin]

Me and @autisticandroids were having a back-and-forth the other day about Cas, Jack, and Kelly. And the most intense tonal shift happened in the middle of it. I wanted to share it, so I took our concepts and ran with it:

Cas suggests that he possess Kelly during her labor to help her survive.

They succeed, and both Jack & Kelly are safe and healthy. (Jack still grows up fast like in canon btw)

HOWEVER, Cas can't go back to his body because there's no soul in there to consent. (I know that Cas' body is technically his and not Jimmy's anymore but indulge the idea for a second.)

Kelly and TFW now pass Cas around while they raise Jack. They have schedules for "possession duties" and everything while they look for a way to bring Cas back to his body.

We can go insane about the Cas-possessing-Dean scenario for another time but the important thing here is Kelly.

I don't know who initiates it, but Dean and Cas DO have sex while the latter is in Kelly's body. (Kelly is okay with it because frankly she simply CANNOT stand the longing and shit. Actually I think it would be funny if KELLY initiates it.)

Before they know it, they have another nephil to deal with. (Except this time it's not an apocalyptic threat because it's sired by a powered-down seraph instead of an archangel. No one in heaven even notices its conception.)

Kelly!Cas gives birth, AGAIN. Jack now has a little brother ❤️ (we haven't decided on a name yet. He grows slower than Jack but he tries his best to catch up to his big bro)

They find a way to bring Cas back to his body.

Most of the canon plot unfolds the same except there's an extra child there and also Mary is there because we said so. Dean also exhibits less toxic behavior towards Jack because Kelly, Mary, and Cas are there to call him out on his shit.

The SPICY things start to happen when Jack ends up accidentally killing both Kelly and Mary. He still loses his soul btw

To those familiar with my spn mpreg rewrite, y'all know that I love giving Jack siblings in order to like. Mess him up more.

Dean definitely treats Jack's baby brother waaaaayyyy better than him. This of course gives Jack soooo many problems disorders.

Think of Jack and his lil bro as the reversal of Dean and Sam's dynamic. (You might see where we're going with this.)

Okay. Imagine how diabolical "Jack in the Box" is when they lock up Jack in front of a young and gullible child. It adds to Dean and Sam's credibility (like. Jack goes: they wouldn't betray me in front of my little brother right?)

Okay. Imagine the kid overhearing the adults arguing about the gun. Imagine Dean looking at the kid and having something click in his head.

A nephil cannot survive without its grace, but it CAN survive without a soul. If the Equalizer carves out a piece of the shooter's soul, then if the shooter is a nephil...

Imagine Dean talking to the kid privately and handing him the gun. "You have to kill Jack. That's not your big brother anymore." Imagine a father who doesn't have the guts to shoot his own son, so he leaves the task to his other son.

Imagine Chuck enjoying all of this unfold. Hey, if he can't get his Cain and Abel story from Dean and Sam, he might as well get it from the young ones.

Imagine a little boy looking up at his big brother, his eyes wet and his hands trembling as he's pointing the gun at Jack.

Imagine Jack kneeling so that he's eye level with his little brother. Imagine him saying: "I understand."

Imagine if Cas named the kid Dean Jr. so that in the end, it's still "Dean" who ends up shooting Jack. Who ever said that "Abraham and Isaac" and "Cain and Abel" had to be separate stories?

(Besides, if Dean ever did kill Sam, then he would be killing both a brother and a son. The two stories have always entangled in the show.)

Imagine the three arriving at the cemetery a bit too late.

Imagine if two bullets were fired that day. (If the gun kills both target and user, then what happens when those two are the same?)

Imagine if they have to mourn not one, but two sons that day.

Imagine Cas having no one left for him.

Anyways, when I said my brain only has two modes ("How do I fix this?" vs. "How do i make this Worse?"), this is what I meant lol. From a "haha what if cas had to cohabitate with kelly for a while" to "hey what if we make cas mourn two sons" real quick

#the name of our discord chat is 'cas torture chamber' which says A Lot actually #spn #aster writes #the only two genres that my mind produces are 'angst with a happy ending' and 'ANGST' #my top posts really highlight this lol

[cyanpeacock]

Agh. It is morning. I am awake.

Don’t feel so hot. Lots of guilt and shame. Also fury. Trying to like... feel it without hating it and getting into that whole spiral.

I’m tired and struggling with like, reasons my body is worth caring for? 

I feel kind of like... I’m ungrateful. Why would I cut all contact with a family that would accept me. They say they love me. They let me go to their houses. They’re alright... right?

But they didn’t fucking accept me. 

OK this got long and furious under the cut wow. Apparently that’s why waking up was such a cunt this morning. Well. It’s out now. 

They wanted me to be amazing in school, and got upset and/or angry and/or disappointed and/or guilty when I wasn’t achieving those kinds of grades. Punished for it. Means of social contact taken away from me, when I was already so fucking lonely. Constantly being fucking watched through a hole in the door. What the fuck kind of house just has holes in all the fucking doors? Why the fuck do you think that’s okay? Do you have any idea how much that fucked with my sense of privacy, how long I felt permanently observed for? Are you even aware how much your other kids hate it?

They wanted me to be a girl, and told me I was ‘just confused’ when I came out, got my name and pronouns wrong like they assumed it was going to pass in the next month, every fucking month. I wasn’t allowed boys’ clothes because “they wouldn’t fit me,” when being a “tomboy” was absolutely fine. Uh, I’m pretty sure ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ children do share dimensions? They’re both humans? I wasn’t even allowed to cut my fucking hair for years, because my mother wanted control over how my body wore my hair, and she wanted it long and blonde and pretty like the perfect working-housewife-to-be. She didn’t see me as a fucking man until after testosterone, and her eyes are still fucking looking for her “little girl.” Fuck off. She died ten thousand times living with you. She was one of those creepy dead-eyed dolls Sheila keeps on the landing in Killinghall. It drives me insane. 

Okay this is pretty pointedly at my mother now so yeah.

“You’ll always be my baby” NO I fucking WON’T. Jesus fucking christ woman, I am not a baby any more. You might remember a tiny child and get all misty-eyed. I’m sure it’s reassuring to some adult children. How that feels to me? Oppressive. Like it’s a trap. All-consuming. Like if I go, and actually express and deal with all my rage, I’m going to destroy your world. Because that’s how it fucking worked at the beginning. If I expressed I was hurt, or angry, or upset, or hungry, or in need, I’d get fucking yelled at, I’d get yanked around, I’d get smacked. I’d get ignored. I’d get told I don’t deserve food. I’d get shut inside a lonely dark dirty disgusting fucking room and you’d pretend I didn’t exist. 

You never saw how mental I went. You never saw me chewing the bedframes. You never saw me clawing at the walls. You never saw me picking the paint off the plaster, just the aftermath. You never saw me hurling my toys and books around in a rage, you just assumed I was ‘making a mess’. You never saw me beating my skull and body with my fists. You never saw me beating up Hank the teddy in complete rage then sobbing and apologizing to him like he was alive. You never saw me standing in the window crying wishing somebody, maybe the nice man Jeff down the road, would help me. 

You never saw how I learned to imagine characters and stories so hard I began hallucinating them in my attempts to escape that ‘home.’ You never saw me wishing the ‘scary’ pedophiles in the white vans would come and take me away, because then maybe somebody would love my body for something different, and that I wouldn’t have to think so hard any more. You never saw me wish that mummy would just kill me so it would all be over. You never saw the help notes I wrote and tore up and posted outside, in the hopes somebody would put them together, and realize I was so scared of being caught asking for help that I destroyed my attempts to get it. 

I’m fucking furious. Again and again you’d say bullshit like “imagine how I feel!” when you were the grown fucking adult in the dynamic. And I know-- Christopher comes into the equation, so does Sheila, who - man, that’s just, why would you still see that almost-murderer - I understand why, but holy fuck, I can’t watch myself start living like that - but this, right now, is about you and the child you did not protect, but transferred pain onto. 

You got so fucking far inside my head I believed I was ungrateful, disgusting, a brat, just whining, that I had no reason to be so upset. That I should just buck up, and go to school, that I wasn’t doing good enough. I still don’t fucking feel good enough, because you’d go from essentially calling me worthless, to calling me a genius or a prodigy when I did something academically remarkable. It was the only way to convince you I had value. 

So I learned to escape through school. I learned to just do the work, even though I still wanted to die right there. Easier to do an exam with an invisible gun to my head than to go home in the evenings, more fun, actually, because at least there was a chance of success in the exam. You didn’t see all the dark fucking nights I lived through considering suicide, wishing desperately that I could just kill myself, but feeling like my utter desperation to get away mattered less than your happiness. Awake all night trying to get away from the thoughts that told me to just stab myself, just go out in the cold, just rot away, because I felt responsible for holding the family together. And I also felt like I was the one destroying it.

I felt responsible for that, especially with how PISS fucking poorly you and David both handled that relationship. Neither of you are emotionally healthy people. You both used emotional manipulation on the children involved in attempts to achieve the same ends: harm the other party, gain power and control.

You know, I want to be a nice guy. I want to give happy happy endless love to the universe. Why do you think I was capable of moving in with a self-declared sadist, a man who’d shot men? Because I’d already lived with somebody who was wounding me every fucking day. In insidious, nasty little ways. That the David cunt only observed and copied. From you, Claire.

Your literal gibbering about “brainwashing!” and “mind control!!” - literally, what the fuck, woman. You’re not immune to propaganda either. You were literally making up your own. You two thought you were the entire fucking universe. He was the Right, you were the Left. It was the Tories and the Labour party, the Axis and the Allies, and the unwitting, dumb voters, with no experience in politics.

This is literally how you framed it to me.

That is literally how you two IDIOTS thought it was appropriate to navigate a breakup.

You know what? I’m done with it, again. You’re different to him in how you throw your shade, and that’s all. He’s alright, in moderation. You’re alright, in moderation. I could tolerate a serial killer, in moderation; I almost fucking was one, with how hurt I’d become, and how little trust in and respect for human beings I’d developed. All just meat to me. It’s all I’ll be in the end, anyway. It gave me a sense of power to stalk strangers at night, and observe their weak points, and consider how fucking easy it would be to get a rush that way. 

And I can’t have these conversations with you, these furious fucking conversations, because I am conditioned to box up every bit of my rage when I even THINK of your face. You show up in my mind with your eyes all watery blue and bloodshot from drinking, and your lip and chin all tight like you’re going to cry, and it convinced - and still sometimes convinces me - “pack it in, you can’t destroy her like that, the world will fucking end, it’ll come back on you and your siblings. There will be punishment, there will be blood, and it’ll be yours, and you’ll be left all alone cleaning it up with no fucking support. The only eye that sees your blood will punish you for making a mess with it.”

Neither of you can see shit about what I really feel, unless you’re reading it here, like fucking omnipresent surveillant operatives of Big Brother, which I suspect at least one of you might actually be fucking doing. 

Sure, things changed when I came back, still going through active trauma, desperate for something, some illusion of healthy family. Was that healthy? No. Was I actively going through unhealthy, traumatic times? Yes. We do unhealthy things in unhealthy times, and afterwards, while we process the feelings we went through but were numb to. It happens. I understand this, it’s why I kept making fucking excuses, why I thought ‘explanations’ of behaviour meant anything when you’d hurt somebody. It’s why I boxed up all this fucking rage. It’s why I thought my pain was meaningless compared to yours.

I’ll give this to you, you got nicer. You drink less. I appreciate it, for your other kids. They’re doing better than I was, but they’re still not well. 

When did that change?

After your first fucking child ran away, because of the sheer amount of pain you were transferring onto them. Because of the toxic fucking environment of emotional manipulation and infantilization you’d continued to foster. Because it was easier to live with a racist opioid addict murderer for a while than to stay in that shithole city any longer. I had to force you to realize how fucking unhealthy that place was.

I’m not being kind right now, because I don’t know how to express all this fucking fury in a kind way. I don’t know how to soften the blow. Maybe there’s no fucking way, maybe that’s why I’m doing it on my blog. I still don’t believe you’re grown enough to handle this shit. You shut me down in every difficult conversation about feelings, and you don’t even mean to. Why do you think I cried on you so fucking much, but you could never fucking console me? Because you fucked up at the start. Because you didn’t establish a secure attachment between yourself and your child. Because you couldn’t provide for me.

I don’t blame you for being unable to provide for me. Circumstances align this way, often, and it’s inevitable. 

I can’t go back in time and re-establish that attachment. There’s always this lingering fucking, waiting for the stab in the back. Waiting for trouble. Those moments where I go completely blank and convince myself it’s always been happy, it’s always been nice, I really am imagining things, I really do just overreact... there’s something wrong with me, why am I so ungrateful? Why can’t I feel joy here? Why is it always bittersweet? 

It’s fucking me up. It really hurts me, every day. Every god damn day when I’m living with myself, and actually working on acknowledging and expressing what I really feel, in as healthy a way as I can muster. I still wake up thinking I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to smile today. I’ve ruined the world. I’ve fucked up so badly by making the decision not to speak to you again. 

I have to stop doing that to myself. 

I went psychotic from the amount of repressed trauma I’d been burying by smoking pot. My brain had to show me all that pain and instability I’d been avoiding, in the form of hallucinated symbols. 

It was terrifying. It was also incredibly helpful. The doors of perception, as it were. Thanks for that one - I’m off making my own Brave New World, and it’s on the island, far away from the rest of them, with their neatly chemically controlled babies in fucking jars.

I needed to drug myself to function, for a while. I needed my meds to function. To do the only thing I’d ever been truly worth anything for, the only thing that was going to get me out and away. I’m coming to doubt that it was ever really my choice to be an academic. Between ability and unhealthy amounts of pressure, I was forced this way, like that fucking rhubarb you were growing. 

So I suppose that’s why I woke up this morning and thought about staying in bed all day, hiding from the rest of the universe. I wanted to go back to sleep, so I didn’t have to feel how fucking angry and hurt I am. I can’t avoid feeling angry and hurt, now nothing’s actually hurting me in my daily life, now I’ve got people who respect my every word for what it is. 

And I have to do this every day. Every fucking day, I’ve got to have these conversations with myself. Sometimes I write them. Sometimes I sing them. Sometimes I have to talk through them, slowly and haltingly, trying to understand why something apparently small hurts like something much bigger. 

Why am I ‘doing this to myself’? So I don’t do it to anybody else. Not again. So I can come to a place where I feel worthy, and deserving, and like I can connect enough to my feelings and body to function without damaging myself even more. 

All that fucking denial of my physical pain. All that denial there was anything medically wrong with me. It got inside me, man. 

But - I have to accept my borderline. I have to accept that I have an intense emotional range, that causes me problems in meeting the societal standards of daily life, because I’ve been through an emotionally intense past. 

I also have to accept that it’s not normal for this (almost) 22 year old body to click and crack and pop and grind and ache so much I have to literally limp around. My hips should not be audibly thunking when I go to sit down in an office chair to check my emails. My shoulders should not be sliding out of place steadily over the course of the day. I should never have gone so physically numb that I didn’t notice my binder warping my ribs. 

I said I thought I had Ehlers-Danlos. You said I read too much, and that I was paranoid. Where am I now? Six years later, facing the possibility that that really is what’s wrong with my cartilage, the reason my skin is so soft, the reason my ribs bent so easily, the reason my vertebrae slide over each other audibly, the reason the only joints I have that don’t hurt are my elbows. And I’ve got to do it alone, because I can’t deal with looking right at your guilt every time I bring it up, because I know that you know now that this really isn’t normal, and you ignored it at a time so much damage could have been prevented. 

I know why it went down that way. I do and don’t blame you. I just have to get angry, so I can fucking do something with my day that isn’t pure escapism, something constructive. 

So now I’m wrapping this one up. I’m not fucking “packing it in” any more. I’ll wrap it up, at a time and place of my choosing, considering every body and mind my actions are affecting in the moment. Right now? This is for me.

#fliptext #trauma #abuse #neglect #suicide #addiction #murder #self harm #ask to tag #Good Morning #I Had To Get Mad So I Wouldn't Be Sad All Day #Things To Do U Kno #disability

[kalinara]

So I have been marathoning a LOT of Midsomer Murders recently (it’s good when you have insomnia), so here are some of my miscellaneous observations/opinions:

1. As a negative: it’s all very very white.  The later seasons seem to be making a sincere effort in improving diversity and representation, but they’ve still got a ways to go.  They’ve also never had a woman as either the lead detective or as one of the Detective Sergeants, which I nickname “the Robins” because they’re all dark haired, vaguely interchangeable young male sidekicks.

1b.  There are some differences: Troy is an earnest idiot, Scott is kind of a dick, Jones is competent, Nelson’s kind of like a terrier, and I don’t have a good read on Winter yet.  He seems a little uptight.  I suppose if you think about it, that does track pretty hilariously with Dick, Jason, Tim, Stephanie and Damian.  I don’t think Winter is either Barnaby’s literal son though.

1c.  Really though, the next Robin really should be a woman.  Ideally, a woman of color.

2.  They do seem to have made an effort to include LGBT+ representation.  However, the execution is a bit spotty, especially in early episodes.  And they seem to be a little over reliant on the promiscuous bisexual trope.  

3.  I do like when they have Tom Barnaby explicitly call out Troy’s (Robin #1) homophobia though.  “You are less politically correct than a Nuremburg rally” is still a great line.

4.  It is remarkably refreshing to see a detective/mystery show in which the main character(s) have healthy marriages, good relationships with their children (to be fair, Betty is a baby), and generally are nice, competent, functional people.

4b.  They even seem to like their wives and enjoy their company.  

5.  Even the Robins, despite being single young men with no immediate families until they’re spiritually adopted by the Barnabys, seem to be remarkably well adjusted.

6.  At no point do the Barnabys or their Robins ever Take This Case Personal.  Even when the case involves their friends, they still do their damn jobs.

6b.  There was one episode where Jones (Robin #3) seemed close to Taking This Case Personally, out of guilt because he gave the murder victim the brush off pre-murder, but Tom Barnaby has this lovely little exchange with him that goes something like “What is this case about?”  “The murderer.”  “What is it not about?”  “Us.”

7.  Both Barnabys are a little too happy to forgo search warrants, but I don’t know enough about British law to know exactly how close to the line they’re skirting.

8.  Many other people have made this same joke, but it is AMAZING that Midsomer has any people left alive.  Real estate must be remarkably cheap.

9.  There also seems to be a LOT of incest on this show.  To the point where I side-eye any sibling set as soon as they’re introduced.

10.  There don’t seem to be any rape/sexual assault plots.  Or at least not in the episodes I’ve seen.  There is, of course, the incest, but it’s presented as consensual (at least as consensual as incest can be given power dynamics) and/or unwitting.

11.   There is however a murder that involves a wheel of cheese.  And at one point, there’s a chase scene involving a tractor.

12.  It is pretty hilarious that every time poor Joyce Barnaby gets a hobby someone dies.  And since this is Midsomer, that woman has a crazy amount of hobbies.

13.  Ben Jones (Robin #3) comes close to having a similarly insane amount of hobbies.  His tend to be more tangential to the plot though.  Like Joyce will join a club and someone will die.  Whereas Jones tends to just come up with some relevant hobby related info or use a relevant skill at some useful time in the investigation.  

13b.  It’s still equally contrived though, as there is a string of episodes in a row, where it’s like: this murder is on a golf course and relates to golf...Jones plays golf and explains the terminology to Barnaby.  This next murder involves a couple of paintings, in which key clues are found in the pigs and the way one of the figures casts his line to fish.  Jones happens to be a fisherman who recognizes the cast.  (He also recognizes the pigs.).  The NEXT episode involves a cricket game.  And of course Jones plays cricket.

The dude also salsa dances, sings operatic tenor, vaults fences like a gymnast, and is a former Mason.

I mean, I appreciate that the writers have finally figured out that Barnaby’s sidekick doesn’t need to be an idiot in order to showcase how smart Barnaby is, but there’s a such thing as overcompensation.  It’s a little ridiculous.

I haven’t seen all the Jones episodes, so I’m predicting an episode involving murder by hot air balloon and Jones reveals that he has been an aeronaut for years.

13c.  Tangentially, it’s during Jones’s run that the show writers apparently learned about the concept of “fan service” and went, okay, we’re going to try this for one episode.  They do this by having Jones grow a beard and wear hipster glasses (which, to be fair, really worked for him), infiltrate a cult which has free love as one of their tenets so the poor guy is propositioned constantly, and top it off there was a gratuitous naked shower scene.

I’m not complaining, mind you.  It’s just really funny.

13d.  I may be on a lowkey hunt for any and all John Barnaby (Barnaby 2.0)/Sarah Barnaby/Ben Jones threesome fic.  I don’t feel remotely guilty about this, since this Barnaby is only about nine years older than Jones.  Also, the power dynamic elements are mostly mitigated since Jones has Nightwinged up and flown the bat cave.  I may be mixing my metaphors even as I mix up my Robins.  That said, Jones is totally the sort to insist on saying “sir” in bed.

14.  There is a lot of tawdry sex everywhere in this series.  On the novel side, quite a bit of the tawdry sex involves actual old people.  As it turns out, scandalous behavior doesn’t just fizzle when you turn fifty-five or so.

15.  I want to write a crossover where Jessica Fletcher is Tom Barnaby’s mom.  

16.  Winter does seem to break the trend where to be a sidekick of the Barnabys you have to be either an idiot or Welsh.  

17.  If you live in the British Countryside, avoid any festivals, folk music concerts, historical reenactments, fundraisers, or development projects, or you will die.

18.  Also, try not to be a vicar.  Because you are likely to be evil or die.

19.  Try not to have any secrets, because you will be blackmailed, and either you or the blackmailer will die.

20.  Also, if you have an illegitimate child with your brother, and go off on the run, you should probably tell your son about his extended family before he goes off and accidentally bangs his aunt.

#midsomer murders

[terminalsonata]

Read my mistakes, so hopefully you won’t make them, too.

Specifically about my ten cats at present, but also others along the way,  It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but it ended up this way.

We came to this place with three:  Mine from when I was able to live on my own before my body crippled me, which counts at two. and the one they got when i was a teenager.  She passed away shortly after, so we were down one.

And then it began.

Warning:  I will be talking about sick cats that were unable to be made healthy, but I think it’s important to know.

To start, I want it known that, while I have lifelong experience with animals, this was the first time any of us dealt with cats from outside in this manner.  Most our animals were rescues--a cat that had all its bones broken, a Shih Tzu whose one eye was poked out, another dog that was beaten, one that was thrown out a moving car and then starved and beaten by the people who picked it up, another that was also but in a duct taped box with its litter, etc--but we got them from vets and rescue groups, with the one that was thrown out of a moving car and then beaten/starved by the people who took it, we ordered her to be given to us when we found out (it was extended family, so the dynamics were different)--but never animals we plucked out from the wild, so we had to learn.  Certain people in my life had to learn more than others.

First, a litter of motherless kittens was found by a family friend, and we fell in love with one of them.  So she brought us to three: a tabby, a tortie and now a... we don’t know what she is, but she has some siamese in her.  At this time, certain people in the household still believed in declawing.  I begged for her not to be declawed, and tried to explain what it was, and I was told that I was being stupid, that every cat they have had was declawed, and it’s not what I’m saying it is.

Yeah, guess what?  The declaw went bad, and she has bits of bone fragments that scrape inside her skin, and cause infections, and the surgery to fix it runs a risk of actually making it worse.

Declawing is now a thing no one in this household does any longer, thank fucking God.

Then, a grey and white kitten showed up on our patio one night.  He was a juvenile, not a kitten, and friendly as could be right out the gate.  It was clear he was thrown out of an abusive household based on his behaviors (afraid of getting on furniture, acting like he was about to be hit even though we were just coming in to pet him), so we took him in.

From here, we had an onslaught of unhealthy kitties that were either thrown out or were ferals that decided we were okay.

We had a set of brothers who had birth defects that had their stomachs and lungs filling with fluid, so we had to put them down.  (No, it wasn’t mega esophagus.  I was raised with a dog with that, and back then, the life span was 1 year for those animals, and we kept her alive 4 years.)  The most tragic part of this was our single neighbor had promised a woman she would take them in and keep them safe, and then just tossed them outside, so they migrated over to us where we were kind to them.

The other was a tuxedo that had been feral all his life.  Our one neighbor we have said he was sooo vicious.  He had a head injury though, so we caught him and took him to the vet.  He was nasty af right until we dumped him out of the cage, at which point he looked around and then sniffed us and it was like a light turned on, and he became hyper affectionate, so we took him in.  This rugged, scarred up cat that had clawed the shit out of our neighbor acted like he’d been a housepet his whole life.  Then, we learned that the vet didn’t test him for diseases, and when he fell ill, the vet ACTUALLY tested him and revealed he had feline leukemia.  We had to put him down.

All three are buried on our property with headstones, because they were the best cats.

After this, we adopted a black cat I named Ezio, because he’s such a ladies man with human ladies and just a huge charmer.  We’re a big fan of black cats.  When I was a child, my grandmother (an insane ol’ coot) found a polydactyl Bombay with a broken leg at like two in the morning, and we drive two hours at that time of night to get him, and he was so funny.  And fat.  My sister, who was a cop at the time, won a bet over who knew the fattest cat.  It was a disservice to him, but he loved his life.  Ezio is much sleeker and healthier, and sweet as pie.

After that, another lifelong feral became a porch cat when I finally befriended him after years of trying.  He was gentle, and sweet, and loving.  The moment it clicked for him that we were there for him was when I heard a cat scream on the property on the other side of us from our one neighbor.  No one lives there, and the owner allows us on there freely.  I loped my crippled self over, and he’d gotten into a tiff with another cat.  I coaxed him to come with me, and he walked all the way back to the patio, and from that point on, he was Sweet One, because he was a sweet, sweet, sweet boy.  He was always so skinny, and would get attacked because, as I learned along the way, he wasn’t a fighter.  He was a defender, and often lost fights.  These injuries would get so horrifically infected and I did everything I could to help him.  He eventually learned to stay on and around the patio, and the injuries stopped.  But then, one day, he got a nose bleed.  And it wouldn’t stop.  It kept going through the night, and into the next day.  He was bleeding everywhere, so we took him in.

He had feline HIV, and an infection in his nose was causing the bleeding.  So, we had to put him down, and he was buried with the other three and a Shih Tzu.

After this, things were pretty normal for a while.  We had a couple ferals that I saw here and there that would eat from the food dishes out for Sweet One, so we kept them out after he was gone.

And then one night, a kitten was spotted.

It took me months of chasing these four kittens and baby talking them, and tossing food out, then putting food in bowls, then migrating the bowls towards the patio, then onto the patio, but I was able to FINALLY earn their trust.

Two boys, two girls.  By nature, girls are usually less friendly, and the household fell in love with the boys, who were brought in and named Woody and Noctis.  They’re pudgy (particularly the glutton Noctis) and happy.

I begged for help to catch the sisters to get them spayed through the spay/neuter program for strays, and never got it.  It’s a lot of bullshit, but eventually the two got pregnant.  I told them that had they helped me, this wouldn’t have happened.  (Because I’m crippled and they’re old, it’s a case of we can’t do it alone, but we can do it together, but all they heard was, “YOU have to do this.”)

One sister, who I named Lady (because she has two eye colors like Lady from Devil May Cry) was starting to get close, and her sister (Princess, because she acts like one) was not far behind.  When they started acting uncomfortable, they allowed me to give them pets and rubs, and this solidified me as a Good Human.  Still, the household was in denial about the pregnancies until Lady gave birth to three kittens.  THEN they were invested.  THEN they helped me trap Princess.  But instead of allowing her to give birth as she was so close to doing, they shipped her off for it ‘all to be handled’.  She’s back with us now, and seems no worse for wear.  The vet who worked on her did a beautiful job on her incision.

Unfortunately, the chaos of catching her scared Lady, who hauled off back to the place on the property with no one next door with her babies, where her mother raised her, Woody, Noctis and Lady.  So I figure okay... ten weeks, and I can start trying.

Ten weeks is the normal amount of time for a cat to have weened her kittens.

Lady is different, however, the little brat.  She is the equivalent of a helicopter mom.  After it was all through and like 16 weeks later, even after she was spayed, she was still allowing them to nurse on her despite her not producing milk.

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

We had a kitten trap by this time, and I was able to get close to one of the kittens--a tuxedo just like Lady and Noctis--and discovered it had a massive eye infection.  So, trapping commenced, and it was decided that he can’t go back out.  (”Trap and Release” is the name of the game with most ferals to try to control the population of cats out here.)  His eye was left damaged from the infection.  He was named Jax.

Then we got his siblings, and his mom.  They were in massive dog cages, and Lady was taken and spayed and FUCK her vet, because they did such a hack job on her compared to Princess.  I had to keep her in and on antibiotics for a week after.  Didn’t help that she liked to lay in her litter box, but...

But then we learned it was going to take f o r e v e r to get the siblings in for their fixing.  Too long for kittens that are only 17-18 weeks old at this point to handle getting released again, so it’s decided they’re staying in.

We have Jax, the one-eyed tuxedo; a solid black girl I’m thinking of naming Iris, but idk yet; and their gigantic brother I’m tentatively calling Gladio because he dwarfs his siblings in size.  He’s a gentle giant, and disturbingly really close to looking like his uncle, Woody, and his aunt, Princess, giving some haunting implications, but he’s healthy and happy and had someone just listened and helped me in the first place...

So, there you go.  I’ll leave you with a summary of advice:

- If you see a cat with a single cropped ear outside, it means they’re a feral that was taken in and spayed/neutered, then released

- If you find a feral/stray without this, then call animal/cat rescues in our area to ask about trap/fix/release programs (usually called SNIP afaik). These programs will fix cats for little to no cost and

- if the cats have good demeanors, they may bring them into the fostering programs they have to find forever homes

- If you have a feral you interact with that gets injured and immediately suffers horrific infections, you need to trap/catch them and get them somewhere so they can be tested for autoimmune diseases.  Yes, unless someone takes them in because they’re nice, this means they’ll need to be put down, but you’re saving them the pain of living with it, and saving numerous other ferals/strays from the same fate

- Never assume ferals won’t be able to turn it around and become good cats for inside the home, but don’t assume all ferals can turn it around.  Give them time to learn you and show what kind of cat they are, and

- Make damn certain if you do bring them in, you have them tested for everything if you have other cats, and make SURE the results get shown to you

Learn from my mistakes, y’all.  Tumblr’s the land of cat people, so I want to give my wisdom to those who might need it.

And a summary of cat names: Mama Bear, Ophelia, Kana, Brutus, Ezio, Noctis, Woody, Jax, tentatively Gladio, tentatively Iris

Honorary cats in the household: Two chihuahuas.

Not cats in the household:  Two dogs who are not like cats and dogs had babies.

Cats outside the household: Lady, Princess, Beeper (who is a feral I befriended over the course of four months and is also polydactyl--she has five distinguished toes on each foot, and is named Beeper because her meows are short bursts like beeps) (her ear is docked, so we know she’s spayed)

Not cats outside:  Chickens, a donkey that caused me to have surgery (and made the surgeon laugh his ass off), two horses, a mini horse, and a goat (who was also a rescue).  Two steers.

Animals. Everywhere.

#cats #kittens #ferals #strays #animal care