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and-stir-the-stars · 8 months

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Hey, how older is mike in the saffron pawn au? Im pretty sure it has been referenced but I can’t recall

Also, how old were the aftons when the bite happened in the au

And finally, is there any particular reason saffron William wants mike to be his successor? Im pretty intrigued by it specially with the new post talking about mike learning how to “make friends”, since it seems those expectations were placed very early on

ahh,, the thing about their ages is, in my head, saffron mike and evan are like 7-8 years apart. But I don't want the Bite to happen when Evan is any younger than 8 (but would prefer that it happened on his 9th birthday), or when Mike is any older than 14, which would put their max age difference at 5-6 years apart. So technically they're 5-6 years apart but i kinda think of them as being a bit further than that, if that makes sense. Idk, it's weird.

During the Bite, Will would be mid 40s, and Liz would be... well, I've never thought about it bc she's just not a part of the au. Maybe she'd be around 11 at the time of the Bite if she were still alive?

Saffron Will wants Mike to be his successor because, like all my Mike-Will dynamics, Mike is William's favorite child and William is obsessed with Michael. Partly just because Michael is the eldest son, and american/european tendency is to place a lot of importance on the oldest son in a family (ie eldest sons inherit family companies and royal thrones, they pass on their father's legacy etc etc). But William is also a very conceited and self-absorbed person; he LOVES that Michael looks just like him (and William also hates it, because Wiliam is self-absorbed yet also has self-loathing from his own abusive father figure). And then, when Mike starts acting out due to trauma from his mother's death, little sister's disappearance, Charlie's death, and William's abuse, part of William sees Mike lashing out and hurting others and is pleased because it reminds Will of himself. His eldest son being just like him and passing on his legacy not just in an "inheriting the family business way" but by ACTUALLY BEING a William 2.0 in appearance and personality is perfect in Will's eyes, and he's obsessed with making it happen.

Because William has his hopes set on Mike being just like him, William has higher standards for how Mike is meant to act, exist, and present himself than he does for Ev and Liz. These "high standards" are ofc impossible to live up to, so Mike ends up facing more abuse than his younger siblings.

This abuse, combined with the factors listed above, cause Mike to lash out and hurt others, as seen in fnaf 4 in his treatment of Evan. William is pleased that Mike is like him in his enjoyment of taking out his feelings on others, but it also bothers William that, unlike him, Michael has not learned how to control himself and only hurt others when there will be no chance of being caught. To William, being able to act Normal in public (being the loving, caring co-founder of Fazbear Ent who can DEFINITELY be trusted around children; William Afton is a family man!) so you can get away with acting on your worst desires is very important. It bothers William that Mike hasn't learned how to do this. Especially because Mike acting so uncivilized and problematic in public spoils William's family-man image and makes it seem like he can't control Mike. So William never really punishes Mike for lashing out and hurting others; he only does it when Mike acts out in public, or when Mike is distracting William from his work at home. Will doesn't want to deter Mike from lashing out at people, just make him control himself and look presentable in public like William does.

Then the Bite happens. Part of William is annoyed about what happened. He views Evan as his property more than his child, and he is annoyed at the idea of someone else taking/damaging his property without his consent. Will is also worried about his reputation: he looks like he can't control Mike, and god knows this is gonna have a bad impact on his company's reputation, too. But this annoyance is overshadowed by William's sudden desperate hope that maybe Mike is even MORE like him than he thought! And it's overshadowed by the realization that he doesn't just want Mike to be "like him" (child murderer), but that William doesn't want to be ALONE in this anymore. William has felt broken and alone and isolated for so long, and Mike almost killing Evan makes Will realize that he doesn't just want Mike to be like him for kicks or to continue on his legacy, but because William wants proof that he's not broken or alone, because Mike is just like him, too.

So Will starts watching Mike closely, and when Will realizes that Mike didn't ENJOY almost killing Evan like Will enjoys hurting kids... Will feels betrayed, like there was a life raft right there and Mike kicked it away and left William to drown. Will is angry and lost and he punishes Mike for not enjoying it, for not being more like William.

Then Evan wakes up from the Bite and gets put back into the Afton household. By this point, the combined brain damage and PTSD has really messed Evan up. Evan is terrified of Michael. When Mike gets near, Evan loses control of himself; he kicks, screams, bites, scratches, throwing anything nearby (and i mean anything-- pillows, books, remotes, scissors, lamps, glass cups, anything) at Mike because he's scared Mike is going to hurt or try to kill him again.

William is intrigued because he's naturally fascinated by fear, and he has NEVER seen Ev act like this before. It's completely unlike him. So Will starts experimenting, seeing how far he can push Evan. He tries taking Ev's involuntary PTSD response and turning it into a conscious hatred of Mike and the conscious desire to see Mike hurt.

Through it, part of him hopes that if he pushes Evan enough, then Ev will lash out so badly at Mike that Mike will snap and hurt/kill Evan, thus proving once and for all that Mike really is just like Will. But Mike doesn't. Sometimes Mike will get in places where he's so hopeless and sick of Ev hurting him that Mike will yell or try to hit Evan, like slapping Evan's hand when Ev tries to scratch or throw something, but for the most part, Mike is so haunted by guilt and self-hatred and the fear of hurting Ev again that he becomes passive. He lets Ev hurt him sometimes, but mostly Mike just tries staying away to stop from stressing Ev out so much.

Eventually, William decides to manipulate Evan into being a killer like his father. William doesn't actually care about or want Evan, but Will wants to use Evan to prove to himself that he CAN turn Mike like him, too, and to experiment on Ev to find the best way to force Mike into being like him. Mike just ends up running away before William can do so.

#saffron pawn au #evan afton support center #evan afton #michael afton #william afton #killer crying child #the crying child #killer cc #tw child abuse #tw child murder

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kairos-in-wonderland · 3 years

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Idk if anyone else in the JatP fandom has looked into or analysed this but I'm going to 😂

I was rewatching the show again and I noticed the date on the ticket for Rose and the Petal Pushers

It's not 100% clear on the gif (credit to @thereigning-lorelai for the gif - I found it on their post) but the concert is January 9th and it's a Sunday.

So, I looked back in the calendar app on my phone to see the possible years the concert could've been to see when Rose and the Petal Pushers were performing, and I came up with two, possibly three years.

The first is 1994, I didn't think Rose would be performing at the Orpheum, age wise, much before Sunset Curve so 1994 seems like the earliest possible year it could happen. Plus she's probably already working there at the point so maybe that was how she got a gig?

The next is 2000, quite a bit later but maybe the band is big enough at that point? Like, it's difficult to get in at the Orpheum, so if it wasn't because of her working there then they'd need to be kicking up quite a storm with their music, it'd make sense for it to be a little later on.

The last one is 2011, a little less likely considering Julie would be about 7 so she'd probably be more focused on family than going out performing, it seems like by then she'd have transitioned to the Rose who just plays for/with Julie in the studio as her musical outlet. But it's still possible so I thought it deserved a mention.

So when do think the Rose and the Petal Pushers concert was? I'm curious to see anyone's opinions!

#Honestly just looked into it for fic #I wanted my oc to be a fan of Rose and the Petal Pushers #so I needed to figure out when they'd have been recording/performing #what do y'all think?#jatp #julie and the phantoms #julie molina #rose molina #rose and the petal pushers #netflixwewantjatp2 #jatp netflix #netflixweneedjatp2

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petrosapian · 3 years

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tagged by @hugbeam, answer 30 questions and tag 20 people which i agree is too much ill just tag a few ppl again recent mutuals in my notes lol feel free to do it or not

tagging @bilqisaaliyah @audiodramatist @zanybeetle @ofdreamsanddoodles

1. name/nickname: aicha or papa

2. gender: hijabi

3. star sign: cancer

4. height: 5'10″last i checked

5. time: 1:21 am EST alas

6. birthday: june 27th im a june babey

7. favorite bands/groups: lol idk why this question is always rough im going thru my sportify for any band that appears more than once the killers, abba, boney m, fitz and the tantrums, ludo, native deen, 3oh!3, destiny’s child

8. favorite solo artist: marinaaaaaaaaa

9. song stuck in my head: babooshka baboshka yaaaa yaaaaaa

10. last movie: just finished the wedding planner yesterday bc i have bad taste

11. last show: oof i havent been watching a lot of tv lately but ive been watching scattered new girl eps most recently.

12: when did i create this blog: urk idk that was 9th grade sooooo 2012?

13. what do i post: clown shit

14. last thing googled: victoricity bc i wanna know who beth eyre plays aklsjdlkasjd

15. other blogs: i have and aesthetic side blog and a ben 10 side blog and a killers side blog all of which are essentially abbandoned. i would revive the aesthetic one if i actually had followers and i do post any submissions i get for the ben 10 one lol

16. do i get asks: nah very rarely mostly if i reblog an ask meme and even then

17. why did i choose this url: ben 10 babey but its vague anough i feel aesthetic

18. following: 369

19. followers: 1002

20. average hours of sleep: about 5 or 6 i guess depends if i have work in the morning

21. lucky number: 7 i guess

22. instruments: took piano for about a year but unsucessful im not very musical tbh i cant keep a bea

23. what am i wearing: pink jammies and a hello kitty apron im cleaning allegedly

24: dream job: i actually really like my current job i work organizing college students politically but idk maybe id like to work in a job a bit more service oriented, i miss being in person generally. dream dream job tho is party princess for kids parties

25: dream trip: i wanted to go to argentina this past spring.summer to visit my grandmother and also wanted to my friend in singapore half way in japan. also kinda wanna go on a road trip to oklahoma to visit a family friend. any trip with people my own age sound wonderful tho

26. favorite food: i dunno kabuli pallow

27. nationality: argentinian american. feels slightly odd to say but i am technically a citizen lol

28. favorite song: idk im gonna go w the whole of the moon by the water boys

29. last book read: pls dont do this to me

30. three fictional universes you’d like to live in: ingary from howl’s moving castle, whatever the hell is going on in piffling vale, and hell what ever was going on in the sisters grimm

#pap.txt

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subarashiet · 4 years

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lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58

#personal rant #confession

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rottenxroses · 4 years

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1. What is you middle name?

Rose

2. How old are you?

3. When is your birthday?

August 9th 1991

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Leo ♌️. Leo moon, Leo sun, Gemini rising

5. What is your favorite color?

Pink, black, purple

6. What’s your lucky number?

7. Do you have any pets?

Yes! And old man cat and fish. Lol

8. Where are you from?

New York

9. How tall are you?

5”7

10. What shoe size are you?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

6 🤷🏻‍♀️ not a shoe person

12. What was your last dream about?

I don’t remember 😅

13. What talents do you have?

Raising a baby? That takes talent! Lol

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I trust in my gut

15. Favorite song?

At the moment, I have so many. I’m on a Fleetwood Mac kick lately

16. Favorite movie?

The shape of water

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

My husband 🥰

18. Do you want children?

Currently have 1, maybe in the future

19. Do you want a church wedding?

Didn’t have my wedding in a church, so not really?

20. Are you religious?

Not to sure anymore.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

MULTIPLE TIMES. And not just for me but other people.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

I don’t kiss and tell 😏

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Nah. Introvert

24. Baths or showers?

Shower

25. What color socks are you wearing?

None! Because I’m wearing sandles

26. Have you ever been famous?

Locally yes! When I uh....got arrested with my family...dm me for deets!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Noooooo.

28. What type of music do you like?

Rock, classic rock, metal, nu metal, alternative rock, 70s, 80s, 90s. Some stuff, except rap and country.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

No, I’ve been chunky dumping 😏

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

On my left in a ball. Lol

32. How big is your house?

BIG. There’s a lot of us.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Toast and coffee

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Yup! I don’t really like it...felt too good.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yes! I got awards in grade school and in high school for my archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

🤷🏻‍♀️

37. Favorite swear word?

Shit, bitch...

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Sleep?? What’s that?

39. Do you have any scars?

Many

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Then it wouldnt be a secret then would it?

41. Are you a good liar?

When I have to be.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Nope, learning that the hard way now.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

3-4? Idk

44. Do you have a strong accent?

No. Lol I don’t have the typical “New Yorker” accent. I live upstate in the woods

45. What is your favorite accent?

Russian 🤤

46. What is your personality type?

Shy and conceded? Lmao I don’t know?

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

All my killstar clothes 😭

48. Can you curl your tongue?

I can do many things with my tongue 👅

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Innie?

50. Left or right handed?

Right

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Depends on the size

52. Favorite food?

Sushi 🍣

53. Favorite foreign food?

....sushi.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

A little of both, it’s hard to clean up after a baby when they’re constantly destroying everything you love

55. Most used phrased?

“Are you serious?” “No! Bad!” “No don’t touch that” “let’s change your booty hole (diaper)”

56. Most used word?

No. Lmao

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

30-45 mins

58. Do you have much of an ego?

😳

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck

60. Do you talk to yourself?

All the time, that’s why I take meds!

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Yes!

62. Are you a good singer?

Nope!

63. Biggest Fear?

Heights, and death to my family

64. Are you a gossip?

😈

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

It was a show, black mirror? And there was a pig involved 😳 still don’t like talking about that

66. Do you like long or short hair?

Long

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Nah chill. America sucks

68. Favorite school subject?

Art!

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

Nope

71. What makes you nervous?

Everything 😪

72. Are you scared of the dark?

No, I’m scared of what’s IN the dark.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Nah, let them look stupid.

74. Are you ticklish?

Not really

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

Nope

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Yes. I’m mommy. Lmao

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Psh. Ok.

78. Have you ever done drugs?

PSH OK

79. Who was your first real crush?

John Pedrosa, and he broke my heart, at a lovely age of 13 😂

80. How many piercings do you have?

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

Rrrrrrrrr

82. How fast can you type?

Pretty fast, worked with computers for 5 years

83. How fast can you run?

Not fast at all. Lol

84. What color is your hair?

Blondish??

85. What color is your eyes?

Blue/green/ yellow

86. What are you allergic to?

I don’t know anymore

87. Do you keep a journal?

Yes, and I only write when I’m raging. So it’s a slam journal

88. What do your parents do?

My dad is out of my life so idk, my mom sells cars

89. Do you like your age?

Nope, because it’s catching up with me. Lmao

90. What makes you angry?

Childish shit, don’t have time or patience

91. Do you like your own name?

Yeah sure. Lmao

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

It’s a surprise!

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

I have a boy, I wish for a girl next

94. What are you strengths?

Being Mommy, making people uncomfortable, making people laugh,

95. What are your weaknesses?

My husband, he’s so spoiled I can never say no. Lmao

96. How did you get your name?

After Mariah Carey lol

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Not at all, they were very poor Italians.

98. Do you have any scars?

You asked this already??

99. Color of your bedspread?

Black

100. Color of your room?

Beige

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lazingonsunday · 5 years

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Tag Game!!

I was tagged by @gretavanfic and @bigthighsandstupidguys , thank you, lovelies!! 💛

1. What is your middle name?

Starts with G lol

2. How old are you?

3. When is your birthday?

Dec 2

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Everyone is putting like moon and sun and rising and I have no idea what that mean lmao, sorry! I think I’m a Sagittarius though

5. What is your favourite colour?

Orange or Yellow 🧡💛

6. What’s your lucky number?

Don’t really have one, but I always tried to be #10 on my volleyball jersey

7. Do you have any pets?

An old border collie named Riley

8. Where are you from?

Canada! 🇨🇦

9. How tall are you?

Like 5’7 ish

10. What shoe size are you?

Usually 9.5 or 10. I got big ass feet :(

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Way more than one human being needs

12. What was your last dream about?

I went to IT chapter 2 last night so safe to say I was having some freaky clown dreams all night lol

13. What talents do you have?

Um, I can say the alphabet backwards, which is super random lol. I can also kinda play guitar, bass, ukulele, and harmonica, but I’m not very good at any of them yet lol

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I used to think so when I was little, but not so much anymore

15. Favourite song?

Ooh, this is hard. Right now I really love When The Curtain Falls by GVF, but I would say an all time fave might be Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond because it reminds me of my mom

16. Favourite movie?

Oh, also a tough one! I think either Rocky IV or The Sandlot

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Jake Kiszka, obviously. But in all seriousness, anyone who is genuinely kind that I feel comfortable and happy around.

18. Do you want children?

I never thought so, but now a bunch of my older cousins are having kids and they’re pretty cool, so maybe one day if I found the right person to raise them with

19. Do you want a church wedding?

No, even though my mom will kill me if I don’t lol

20. Are you religious?

I was raised Catholic, but I don’t consider myself religious anymore.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Yes, I’m asthmatic af lol, and prone to breaking my fingers playing rugby

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

No, I am a well-behaved child

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I met the magicians Penn & Teller if that counts haha

24. Baths or showers?

For practical purposes of actually getting clean, showers, but I l o v e baths

25. What colour socks are you wearing?

Black

26. Have you ever been famous?

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

While I daydream about it frequently, realistically I know I would hate it

28. What type of music do you like?

Literally the most random taste in music, it changes all the time. I don’t even have certain genres that I like, just certain artists or albums from a variety of genres

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. I was very drunk lmao

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Three normal ones and a body pillow

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

On my side cuddled up with the pillows

32. How big is your house?

Typical white suburban neighbourhood house

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

I typically pout in the kitchen for 10 minutes before I give up and make something completely inappropriate for breakfast lmao. Usually grilled cheese. This morning alphagetti. I hate breakfast so much lol

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Nope. No desire to.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yes, we did it in school a few times

36. Favourite clean word?

Love

37. Favourite swear word?

Idk if it’s a swear word, but I say ‘goddammit’ a lot

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Not long, I’m a sleepy bitch. Probably 24 hours

39. Do you have any scars?

Yes

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

In 9th grade I found out this guy had a crush on my and told literally everyone but me lol

41. Are you a good liar?

I don’t lie very often, but mostly because I am a terrible liar

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Yes. I frequently get such strong vibes off of people and I can tell right away if they’re the kind of person that’s gonna stress me out

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Not well

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I guess I probably have a Canadian accent, but not super strong. The region I’m from has a pretty neutral North American accent

45. What is your favourite accent?

Certain regions of Irish accent are so beautiful. Like Hozier’s accent

46. What is your personality type?

Quite shy, but generally very kind

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

I have a shirt that I got for work that was like a hundred bucks and I never wear it cause I sprayed foundation on it once and now I’m scared I’m gonna ruin it lol

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes

49. Are you an innie or outie?

Innie

50. Left or right handed?

Right

51. Are you scared or spiders?

Not really scared of them, but I don’t like them to be close to me if that makes sense

52. Favourite food?

Probably burritos

53. Favourite foreign food?

Mexican

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

Fairly clean

55. Most used phrase?

I really don’t think I have one?

56. Most used word?

Completely. I say it like to agree with someone or acknowledge what they’re saying

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Depends what I’m getting ready. For school or something I don’t really care about, maybe half an hour. For work or going out, probably over an hour.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I don’t think so

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck until I get bored and crunch it lol

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Yes, a concerning amount. Like full conversations with myself at full volume, constantly when I’m alone.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Occasionally

62. Are you a good singer?

Not really

63. Biggest fear?

Never learning how to make meaningful connections , pushing all my friends away, and dying alone.

64. Are you a gossip?

No, I hate it! My friends try to tell me about people we went to high school with, and I just genuinely don’t care and don’t want to know lmao

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

Idk what classifies as a ‘dramatic’ movie, but I guess the Rocky movies again

66. Do you like long or short hair?

I love long hair, I’m so jealous of people with really long hair. Mine grows so slow :(

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Maybe, if I thought really hard about it? I can barely remember Canadian provinces lmao

68. Favourite school subject?

I always really loved some topics in science, but then hated others. I was probably best at English.

69. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert af

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No, even snorkeling freaks me out. The ocean is some scary soup

71. What makes you nervous?

Pretty much everything lol. But mostly any social situation where there’s people I don’t know, or I don’t know exactly what to expect.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Really depends where I am. Usually no, but if I’m outside then usually yes, and after watching It last night, yes lol

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Depends who it is and what the mistake is

74. Are you ticklish?

Honestly, not really

75. Have you ever started a rumour?

Not intentionally

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Kind of? At work they have like hourly leaders who are in charge of the sales floor, and I did that a lot, but it’s not really a lot of power or responsibility. Also babysitting I guess

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Yes

78. Have you ever done drugs?

Honestly, this is gonna sound so stupid, but I’ve never done anything other than alcohol and cigarettes. I actually high key wanna try weed, but again the whole ‘not knowing what to expect makes me anxious thing.’ Not even so much that I’m nervous to try the drug but that I’m nervous to try to buy it or get it, even though it’s fully legal in Canada and there’s a dispensary on every corner lmao

79. Who was your first real crush?

The first one I remember was a boy named Evan in first grade

80. How many piercings do you have?

Just my ears, and I rarely wear earrings so I always have to stab through them again when I do

81. Can you roll your R’s?

No, and I can’t whistle either! Which is deeply infuriating!

82. How fast can you type?

Fast enough to not look foolish

83. How fast can you run?

Not fast at all. I’m asthmatic and out of shape lmao

84. What colour is your hair?

An ugly medium mousy brown. I always wanna dye it a little lighter, but I go to the hairdresser like once every two years so it would look stupid when it grew out lol

85. What colour are your eyes?

Hazel-y greenish

86. What are you allergic to?

All sorts of environmental allergies; dust, pollen, animal hair, etc. I’m always sneezing and watery eyes lol

87. Do you keep a journal?

I carry a notebook, but it’s more like an agenda than a diary

88. What do your parents do?

My dad owns a drywall company and my mom is a stay-at-home mom, but she volunteers a lot now that we’re older

89. Do you like your age?

No. I think that being in your late teens and twenties can be really stressful because you feel like there’s certain things that you should have accomplished or experienced and it can be very overwhelming, feeling like you’re competing with all your peers to get your life together

90. What makes you angry?

Rude and disrespectful people

91. Do you like your own name?

Not really

92. Have you thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I’ve definitely thought about it but I don’t really have specific favourites

93. Do you want a boy or girl for a child?

I don’t have a preference. I’d probably like to have one of each

94. What are your strengths?

I think I’ve become a lot more kind and open-hearted in the last few years.

95. What are your weaknesses?

I feel like I have let fear dictate my entire life, and there’s so many things I haven’t done because I’ve been afraid. I need to step outside my comfort zone more often.

96. How did you get your name?

There was a character on a TV show called my name that my parents liked

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Not that I am aware of

98. Do you have any tattoos?

I changed the question because scars was an earlier one. I have two tattoos on my right arm

99. Colour of your bedspread?

Because it’s summer, I have a lighter blanket that’s light blue. My winter duvet is navy

100. Colour of your room?

Light blue

That was LONG lmao but really fun! I’m too lazy to bold the questions so sorry if it’s hard to read!

Tagging: @frcmthefires @sweetkiszkadreams @okietrish @sammyscherub @gretavanbobatea @jake-thomas-kiszka @mr-stank-i-dont-feel-so-dank and anyone else who wants to do it!!

#tagged #tag game

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pulse-clockwork · 5 years

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somewhere someone is angry over something. so for today’s occassion of me manifesting here i would like to tell you all who are still here for some reason (which i am thankful of, make no mistake) about one positive change reading homestuck brought to my life

head down under the readmore ↓ ↓ ↓ it’s under there because it’s wordy, but i’m putting it in the main tag if someone who still hangs around in there wants to have some feel good time

unlike most homestuck fans you could meet, i didn’t actually read it as a teen nor did i spend years with it. i did my first complete reading of it last may when i was 4 months away from being 21. it’s not like i’ve met a lot of people but among people i’ve met i think that’s a pretty unique homestuck age experience... at that time i’d already dropped out of college and was idling around inbetween therapy sessions

you know that post about how ex honor students are like horses? that’s me. i’m a horse. completely dysfunctional and lacking direction. my teenage years were heavy with depression, with unnoticed mental illnesses and confusion with a mix of both inferior and superior complexes. and when i came of age i inevitably ran out of energy to deal with all of that and still “living competently”. frustrated with a subpar higher education and my own lack of motivation for doing what was expected of me, i came to a screeching halt, abandoned the path i’d been trying so hard to walk on since childhood and sat on the grassy sides of the road to eat sweets and look at clouds. the more i spent time like that the more i realized i was like, groveling in the dark looking for something i’d lost. i didn’t even know what it was, i only knew i needed it desperately

i started on homestuck shortly after its 9th anniversary because i love everything art, and i wanted to know more about the impact it left on internet culture. it was definitely a lot more than i’d anticipated. it was stock full of beautiful colors and intriguing concepts, amazing characters and vocabulary i still don’t remember most of. it was really great. not perfect, but it reflected the growth of the author through out the years and that is something i deeply respect. not just that, but also the contributions of many other people throughout its run. it wasn’t something that belonged to anyone alone, and it’s beautiful

look, if anything i’m not that smart of a person. other people might feel different idk. i’m not the type to type in perfect syntax on the interwebz (though i will when i have to). i don’t understand a lot of things, though i try to learn. i can’t really pull off neatly written meta posts with references to mythology and religion and all that stuff, though i love reading other people’s writing on that. my art isn’t something that can take your breath away, if anything it’s very flawed. i’m not special anything

and that’s the thing. i’m not special. i don’t stand out. i’m just a person. we got 7 billion more on this globe, i’m just one of them. that’s what homestuck helped me realize. and it is deeply comforting

you might be able to infer it from my earlier karkat post but i don’t think of him as a leader. i don’t think of him as someone meant for grandiose things. i definitely am projecting, because out of the entire cast of dozens of characters karkat is the one i resemble the most, down to the situational desire for something bigger than either of us originally are. if taken out of the context of a meta narrative and allowed a completely normal life, i think karkat’s strongest point displays in the most ordinary things. the way he cares about people to the point of troubling himself constantly, how he desperately looks for the good in others but not so much in himself. not president karkat. just your neighbor karkat. i think after so many years fearing for his life and harboring a dream born out of sole desperation for acceptance into a dysfunctional society that would never accept him, a normal life like that would bring him happiness

there’s also calliope. other people have talked about how they’re a loving reflection of the creative fanbase. i focus on something else with them. at the end of the journey there was very little thing special about them. that doesn’t mean to say they’re bad or unworthy or anything, that goes against the point. they’re just there. in a position i can really relate to. they weren’t brought there to participate in the fight, they weren’t expected to contribute anything. they were just an art and story loving skull person bullied and eventually killed by their other half who deemed them not worthy of living

my all time favorite line in homestuck is what alt calliope told calliope prime

“live.”

calliope was just a normal, average person who was given a priceless treasure of life and was pulled with a loving hand to a life they never had and never thought they would have. there was no reason, no ulterior motive for it. nothing was expected of them. roxy just wanted to have them around. that’s all

for many years i wondered if it was necessary for me to be there at all. what was the point of my existence? when it all came raining down on me of my failings and fundamental weaknesses that is what i wondered. i wondered if i was any good to anybody, to the world itself. but then i found an answer in roxy’s gift to calliope. i didn’t have to. it was not my own intention to be born but i am here anyway. no one else will live my life for me. even if i live for the satisfaction for other people they will not care for my life from a to z

i don’t know how it’s like for people living elsewhere but over here, the more i grew up the more ridiculous i found my former education. everything was on a principle of competition. when you did the college entrance exams one win for you is a loss for someone else. the same could be said about job oppoturnities, running a business, buying snacks at the cafeteria, everything. isn’t that absurd? there’s so many people in the world, were we born only to snatch potential and future away from others? why was success so encouraged if the point of it was to make others unhappy?

maybe some will choose to live by that. that doesn’t mean i have to. i’m only one person, but also i’m a whole person. there were so many meetings, so many words, so much music and art, so much kindness that took me here. my bones struggled to grow into what they are now. when i look back at the last 21 years of life it has been a lot. it might not mean that much to anyone else. but it does to me. that’s the only thing that matters. i’m pretty sure i’ll never lead a successful business or work in an export company that pays in us dollar. that’s all the adults told me that really mattered. but that’s only what they said. i truly can go anywhere. any decision is for me to make

i’m just an average person. i’m really nothing significant to the universe. but i am significant to certain people. and most importantly i am significant to myself. i mean is the universe gonna pay for my groceries? i don’t live to stand by a ruler everyday measuring my worth to society or some people i never even met. if the world says i’m not worthy of living i’ll flip it off and keep doodling karkats because goddamn do i love doing it and i love being happy

#homestuck #kas.txt #sorry it doesn't make sense after some point i'm really not that good at writing

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kjiaein · 5 years

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50 questions tag

tagged by: @kihyunuu tryna take up all my time,, watch me do this in under 30 minutes bc i just. type fast

1. What takes up too much of your time? doing my makeup?? (which i Do Not mind) math hw??? maybe jun and taemin??? hockey?? there’s so many options here lmao

2. What makes your day better? talking to my mom and my friends. literally can make my whole day in 10 minutes by talking to my mom i’m rlly a mommas girl :( bye

3. What’s the best thing that happened you today? um i didn’t even leave my room today so Nothing,,, ig washing my face and feeling rlly refreshed??

4. What fictional place would you like to go? uhhh camelot?? BET. i’ve been obsessed with camelot and king arthur tales since i was 7 and i Still am. so i rlly Want to (even tho i know medieval times were Horrible.)

5. Are you good at giving advice? ppl say i am but i don’t rlly know?? i just try my best considering what i’ve seen ppl go through and what i’ve personally gone through

6. Do you have any mental illness? i have not been diagnosed by a doctor with any mental illness

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no THANK GOD.

8. What musician inspired you the most? um there’s been a mix of ppl. but for the most part jonghyun has been in my life for so long and he’s just Amazing and i learn from him everyday of my life

9. Have you ever fallen in love? i’ve liked guys but i wouldn’t call it love? bc we were close but we weren’t THAT close lmao i’m so cautious of males bye

10. What’s your dream date? uhhh take me to a sporting event idc if it’s pro or college,, and i guarantee you’ll win me over pretty quickly,,, or like to dinner somewhere and go for a walk after?? like on the riverwalk??

11. What do others notice about you? ig ppl say i’m rlly sweet and caring,, or thoughtful bc i remember things others don’t and i try my best to give ppl what they want and help them??

12. What is the annoying habit you have? wobirwrb idk just zoning out?? i do it a lot. or um i don’t reply to ppl with no reason sometimes i just get Annoyed at the world obwogb

13. Do you still talk to your first love? sorry do i even have one,, if you count the one guy who i was closest to,, i have not talked to him in 2 yrs bc he’s Busy and i am also Busy so.

14. How many ex’s do you have? lmao funny you think i’ve dated ppl

15. How many songs are on your playlist? i don’t use playlists,, i turn my entire library onto shuffle and there are 300+ songs in my library

16. What instruments can you play? none i tried the violin and piano once,, not that good at it

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? um my biases,, myself and my dog,,, they’re tied like my dog won’t let any male win

18. Where would you like to go before you die? korea? japan? definitely ireland :(

19. What is your zodiac? virgo yay

20. Do you relate to it? i mean ig but it’s not 100% accurate for me so

21. What is happiness to you? being able to do what i want without judgement from anyone and being loved for that??,,, literally idk what it is to me nvm

22. Are you going through anything right now? um yeah. not gonna talk abt it tho

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? ,,, there’s a lot of them Pls. probably some of the friends i’ve made that have deterred me from the paths i’ve always wanted

24. What’s your favorite store? uhhhh i like a lot of nasty gal but i don’t own much from there?? i Love victorias secret and jcpenney

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? i don’t talk abt this. with Anyone. so next.

26. Do you keep a bucket list? no? i just do what i want when i want it. and sometimes it’s in the moment so

27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment? currently all night by astro,, kings thank u

28. What do you want for your birthday? ,,, nothing? maybe a hockey jersey? but even then i would be satisfied just spending time with ppl

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you? quiet and sweet,,, like they’re not 100% wrong but i can get LOUD when i get rlly close to u

30. What age do you seem according to most people? ppl say physically i look 13 but i act like 25

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? the edge of my bed? by my pillows,, where my head is Not bye

32. What word do you say the most? um. that’s IT.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 25-26?? that’s 7 yrs older so.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? 18. literally gotta be a whole year or the same age as me?? it’s gotta be LEGAL.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? ppl say i rlly belong in the medical field,, and the path i am on is in the medical field sooo

36. What’s your favorite music genre? ,,,,,, kpop. and pop. oooh but i love a good heartbreaking ost :)

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? america? i have so much freedom here. like why would i give the privilege i have up Pls

38. What is your current favorite song? it’s rlly between lights down low by max and grand bleu by 100%

39. How long have you had this blog for? ,,,, too long. i think like 4-5 yrs?

40. What are you excited for? i’m excited for uh baseball games and to go hoomeee next month

41. Are you a better talker or listener? both... why should i only do one?

42. What is the last productive thing you did? .... shower lmao

43. What do you want for Christmas? ..... idk a hockey jersey,,, for me to grow up and get a bf lmao,, more so want family time?? maybe my passport bye.

44. What class do you get the best grades in? history and english,, literally i excelled in english and history since 4th grade

45. On a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 8???

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? um i hope i’m married and working as an athletic trainer in a pro sport?

47. When did you get your first heart break? when my former best friend ditched me halfway through 9th grade and talked abt me behind my back to our other friends :))

48. At what age do you want to get married? .... i want to be married by 25-27,,, but with my career path good luck to me

49. What career did you want to have as a child? veterinarian lmao why did i ever i hate reptiles so

50. What do you crave now? cheese,,, ice cream :(( idk i took care of my cravings by ordering cook out last night bye

i tag @2baekxing @cutesunggyu @yiffxing @mmblaq ,,, i always tag the same ppl ik i’m sorry

#tagged

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pcoswontstopme-blog · 5 years

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The emotional roller-coaster you go through when having PCOS and wanting a family. TTC W/ PCOS

They tell you that everything will be okay and to keep a positive outlook, that no matter what, god will answer your prayers “When It’s Your TIME”. However, I find it hard to believe, then again i'm not sure what to believe anymore. There are way to many situations that make me think that it's not completely up to god to tell us when we are ready or not. I truly think that we are never really ready for anything this world throws at us. I have never really wrote down everything I've felt while experiencing this, and i think it's time i take the time to LET IT OUT. I am not posting this to get the approval from others but sometimes you just need to let it out, and from what I've come across on the internet, I might be able to help someone that may be experiencing the same things as me . . I hope to be that encouragement to those that face these challenges .

Well, let me start by introducing myself as Luna, ( Not my real name but we don't need to get that personal, i want to share my experience, not my government credentials ). However i will tell you this, i am at the age of 25 and will be turning 26 in just a few short months. I’ve been in a stable and healthy relationship for about 9 years, He is truly amazing and one of the biggest blessings in my life. We have a pretty active sex life and should have been blessed with a beautiful baby by now. Unfortunately, that has not happened yet. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2016, and let me tell you everything started to make since after i heard the news. The lack of periods for months was the first sign that i suspected to have PCOS, following the lack of periods came the facial hair ( mainly light hairs on the upper lip ), the lack of weight loss or weight gain, ( i have been 175 lbs since 2010 ) and along with all of these symptoms i have one of the worst over-actives bladders. I wake up 6 times a night and use the restroom about every 30 minutes to every hour . Let’s just say, I finally had enough and went to the doctors where I was given Metformin and birth control to help regulate my hormones and period, unfortunately the Metformin made me feel extremely sick and the birth control made my periods even worse. I then decided to take the natural route and avoid any medications from 2016 mid year to 2018 mid year.

Mid 2016 after all the metformin and terrible birth control i finally decided to start home remedies, in hopes that something will spark a hormone in my body that will level out all the other hormones . After hours of research i came across this pill called “ Dong Quai Root “, Everything they posted on the website seemed amazing, but i should have known not to believe everything they post on the internet. The Dong Quai Root was taken for approx. 2 months and within those 2 months i did not see a difference other then cramping and skin irritation. I felt dehydrated and sick the whole time i was taking that pill. At this point 2016 is coming to an end and i have given up all hope on having a family because nothing seemed to work . we decided to take a year off in 2017 and let nature run its course and just like the last year NOTHING HAPPENED . Not once did i get a positive HPT, everyone around me was having babies or announcing they were expecting . You try so hard to be supportive but deep down you are drowning in your own tears because you just want to experience the babies movements and experience the start of your VERY OWN FAMILY, you just end up feeling so helpless and broken. You begin to question if you are good enough to be a mom, if god has some vendetta against me, if i'm living life the wrong way. BUT……. Then again you have to look at all the ones who get pregnant on drugs, get pregnant after being raped, and those who also have trouble getting pregnant. We are not alone and one day we will get our blessing.

2018 , The start of clomid - After sitting depressed and losing hope, i got up and told myself not to give up. I have come this far to give up ? NO WAY, NOT TODAY SATAN ! . March 2nd, 2018 i was prescribed clomid on a small dose of 50mg for 5 days, now here's the tricky part. - My Dr. told me that since i do not get a period i can take it when i get the medicine and take OPK test to check when i ovulate. - NOW, anyone who has tried TTC and is new to the OPK knows that they can be beyond the point of confusing. So due to being confused the first month was a complete BUST. May rolled around and i took round 2 of clomid - 50 mg- about 2 weeks after taking the clomid i was experiencing cramping, cw discharge ( ovulation ) , extremely sore breast, still frequent urination ( i experience this on a daily and THIS WILL NOT HELP ME DISTINGUISH IF I AM PREGNANT OR NOT ), back pain, mood swings and being extremely tired all day . Even with all the symptoms i felt from the 2nd round i still had a negative HPT, the tears are rolling and my hope is flying out the window.

Ive seen and heard of women that take 2 rounds of clomid and they get pregnant after the first or second round. You start to think that you’re not meant to have kids. I refuse to give up that easily, through the pain and tears i will fight until the end to have a beautiful blessing . July, September And November i experienced the same symptoms that i listed above, expect in December i took the clomid with a tbsp of Robitussin , and Got a normal 6 day period and ovulated on the same time every month i took clomid, and still nothing but a NEGATIVE HPT . I ended the clomid in November , I started to get this extremely light pink spotting on November 9th nothing that required a pad it ended the same day it started and arrived again on the 13th to the 16th, again it was nothing that showed on a pad it was only when i wiped. After the 16th i didn't get spotting again until the 24th of November to the 26th which was again nothing major with was accompanied by some slight flutters and cramping mainly on the left side of my uterus area. The flutters and cramps started to fade away and i felt somewhat normal until November 30th when the cramping and the spotting came back and ended on the 1st of December . I didn't have much spotting through December i only had spotting on December 7th, 20th, and the 21st, for the whole month of December i did not get a period but on December 26th thru the 28th i was puking and feeling extremely sick and sleeping. After those few days i felt completely fine and haven't thrown up since, with all of the on and off symptoms i really believed that this was going to be my first positive HPT, sadly i was mistaken. On January 1st , 2019 i took a HPT and it was negative. After about 15 minutes of reading the result on the test i noticed a very thin line , chances are that it was just the evaporation line from the test sitting for too long. This whole month of January 2019 has been a huge roller coaster. My body is feeling way to many symptoms to process what is really going on. On January 10th i started to get some very light spotting again. At this point i knew it wasn't going to last more then a day , it was beyond the point of light and barely showed. However that didn't make me think that i was pregnant, with all the negative HPT that i have taken i really couldn't bring myself to take another one and end up with heartache.

Here is where i start to worry, from January 11th thru the 19th i didn't feel any type of cramping, discomfort, spotting, sore breast, exhaustion, or mood swings. I started to believe that the PCOS was going back to a unbalanced mess until January 20th hit. On January 20th i started cramping on my left side, that spotting came back ( extremely light and only showed when i wiped ), i have this constant light/dull cramping sensation all across my uterus, and now i am experiencing 2 weeks of excruciating sore nipples and breast, my breast hurt when i walk no matter how fast or slow, they hurt to have a bra on, when water hits them, even massaging them makes the pain go from a 8 to a 15, this lasted up until today February 2nd 2019, On February 1st 2019 i took a HPT to check and see if maybe this was it, maybe i finally became pregnant after 7 full years of trying. So i made sure that i was going to buy a $5 test ( i don't trust dollar tree test since i have PCOS i have read about women who do not show HTC levels on most test mainly the cheap test - how true it is idk but i wanted a test that made me feel confident ) . I took the test and sadly got a negative, and again that ultra thin line showed up that is extremely hard to see unless you hold it up to a light. Evaporation line ?? . . i'm all out of options. I have a doctors appointment as of february 21st to see what we have going on . I promise to fight day in and day out until the day i get blessed with a family and even after i will fight to provide the best life for you that i can .

There will always be those people in you life that tell you “ Dont have kids “ “ you want them now but just wait til their 2, 3, 6, 16, 19, “ or the famous “ kids are expensive “ saying from people who would rather pay for beer then formula or diapers. No matter what we go through in life, we will never be fully ready to have a child. I know that mentally i can handle a group of 4 kids running wild and i still find the patience and time to tend to their needs and my own. I know for a fact that i can love a child unconditionally and provide for them regardless . My heart is screaming to be a mom. I would love nothing more then to be able to raise my child to be the best person they can be in this sad messed up world. Many people want to raise their kids to know how to fight and tell someone off when they feel offended. I want to raise my child to know that they dont need friends in this world to be successful, they do not need drugs or alcohol to feel like they can fit in, they dont need to bully other kids to make themselves feel better, i want to show them how to respect their elders, they will use manners and speak properly, they will attend school and most of all THEY WILL FEEL LOVED AND SAFE . they will know that no matter where they go in life , that i their mother will always be right there and always do my best to give them the world. Most people cant stand to see other parents actually attend to their kids needs. We are instantly called brainwashed or weak.

#clomid #clomiphene #pcos #ttc with pcos #ttc baby 1 #pregnancy #pregnant #symptoms #negative hpt #baby #7years of ttc

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sodacanwritings · 2 years

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WHAT WHAT HOW WHEN WHO HURT YOU DO I NEED TO BRING MY KNIFE? A GUN??

All I'm hearing is your gonna get ask spammed until Monday >:( pls stay strong I'm sure it'll go perfectly!!

If you want to, you can download PowerPoint on your phone it's basically the same thing and now you get to win some time😌

True, same thing for airplane's food here, idk where they get that.. I need to see the rainbow foot so bad tho👀 I think I didn't enter a hospital in like 7 years now? I also broke my leg back then but ever since I'm terrified of ANY hospital probably was one of my most horrific experiences ever.

Perfect timing, I need to hear a bedtime story definitely not 10am hehe

Pls go ahead and talk,I'm always here to listen! Math test tomorrow so I definitely need the serotonin snif

I'm...14yo, basically a kid but I can prove everyone wrong, ACTUALLY my mental age is 25 (last time I checked lol) idk if it's the same classification but I'm in 9th grade and we have this national contest to pass at the end of the year so we can move to highschool so the stress, at it's peak. +the pressure from the parents & teachers. Or maybe the whole world has it and I'm just that uncultured, idk lol. But do talk even about the most ridiculous and useless things, couldn't care less!♡

-Jas, at your service.

Helloo..

don't worry no one hurt me (physically) - I did it by myself 😅 was an eventful Valentine's day I guess- so, if anybody wants a storytime..

ahaha- I said rainbow foot cause it turned from like, blue(-ish) to greenish/yellowish- pride foot.

ah damn, breaking your leg must have been really terrible. yeah I normally haven't really been to hospitals either but..let's just say this year is a special year.

okay, so we'll hear a good night story soon then I suppose..

ah yes, we kind of have those exams too, I'm in 10th grade right now so I had one last year and changed schools, now this year I'll basically do the same just, more difficult. good luck for sure! I'm sure you'll make it.

#𝐚𝐬𝐤 #.𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 #.junpei simp anon!

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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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tiktaalic · 4 years

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as far as i can pin down the timeline

- i’m assuming the actual events are roughly three weeks. maybe a month. (tutoring days, then party, then spa two weeks after, then three days of radio silence, then invite). which would make this march to april, bc lily gets kicked out in march.

-riding photo together they’re god knows how old. 7? 12? i’m faceblind. they’re children, all the promo materials say they’re childhood friends, that’s #established

-“you haven’t been this honest with me since six grade”

-9th grade dad funeral crying together

-lily says they “haven’t been friends for ages” but it’s when she’s trying to distance herself from amanda for #clout so i think the most likely scenario is they went from close to acquaintances in middle school, and then when lily’s Going Thru It in 9th grade, they briefly rekindle before she goes back to her regular social status quo.

-“your dad wrote [boarding school] a check”, implies 9th grade on, but it’s also possible that it was like... a nepotism thing AFTER he died, bc that’s exactly what she does w mark and college.

-sat prep puts them in.... 11th or 12th. 11th since lily’s applying for high schools for next year. this means the epilogue could be anywhere between may xx and may xy. you can start doing early admission stuff in august, which makes sense for her, but i’m not concrete on how well that jives with the length of a trial. ofc it could be handwaved as amanda being in custody? holding? idk as they wait for the VERDICT verdict. but lily makes it sound like it’s over and done with, in which case i’d say it’s probably october/november, roughly 6 or 7 months out from the closing scene.

#etxt #horse girl murder movie

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soliviac8 · 6 years

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I was tagged by @not-your-fancy-butler

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: orange juice

2. last phone call: maybe my mom or dad

3. last text message: my dad

4. last song you listened to: Loving is Easy by Rex Orange County

5. time you cried: When I fall off my bike

6. dated someone twice? haha nope

7. kissed someone and regretted it? no

8. been cheated on? nope

9. lost someone special? yeah

10. been depressed? haha in 8th and 9th grade

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? Nope

fave colors

12. turquoise

13. any shade of purple

14. blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? yep

16. fallen out of love? eh

17. laughed until you cried? yep

18. found out someone was talking about you? yep sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not

19. met someone who changed you? don’t think

20. found out who your friends are? yeah

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? nope

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I think I at least know or know of the people I’m friends with on Facebook

23. do you have any pets? 2 dogs

24. do you want to change your name? when I was little I wanted to change my name to Anna, but not anymore

25. what did you do for your last birthday? My parents bought me tickets to see Amelie on broadway :)

26. what time did you wake up today? 6:10 :(

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? probably sleeping

28. what is something you can’t wait for? being in a musical, but i don’t want to audition

30. what are you listening to right now? Tbh i’m really just letting my spotify shuffle through my music

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? yep

32. something thats getting on your nerves? actually going to fencing practice bc i don’t like it anymore and being sick

33. most visited website: apparently it’s protobowl but i don’t use it anymore

34. hair color: Dark brown but honestly it’sblack

35. long or short hair: short??

36. do you have a crush on someone: nah

37. what do you like about yourself: my optimism

38. want any piercings? not really

39. blood type: idk

40. nicknames: idk my mom used to call me Soch and Sochi (if that’s even how you spell it lol). Tbh I gave myself those nicknames

41. relationship status: 100% single

42. zodiac: pisces

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv shows: the magicians, doctor who, buffy, one day at a time, fuller house

45. tattoos: i maybe want a small artsy one when i’m older

46. right or left handed: right

47. ever had surgery: when i was little i got surgery on my finger to remove a mole

48. piercings: nope

49. sport: i don’t really like sports

50. vacation: Europe

51. trainers: like sports? I’ve never had one, probs never will

more general

52. eating: i ate half a donut

53. drinking: nothing at the moment but i should hydrate more

54. im about to watch: idk youtube videos?

55. waiting for: people to respond to my freaking email and my motivation to come

56. want: stickers for my laptop

57. get married: yeah hope so, but only to the right person

58. career: hopefully something I enjoy

59. hugs or kisses: hugs any day

60. lips or eyes: eyes?

61. shorter or taller: my height or taller

62. older or younger: someone around my age

63. nice arms or stomach: idk arms

64. hookup or relationship: relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant i guess

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: nope

67. drank hard liquor: nope

68. lost glasses: haha yes. i made a really bad humor speech about it

69. turned someone down: if rejecting Max who jokingly asks me to dances then yes i have

70. sex on first date: no

71. broken someones heart: I hope not

72. had your heart broken: i mean i liked multiple people in middle school so i don’t think it really counts

73. been arrested: no

74. cried when someone died: i don’t think so

75. fallen for a friend: nope

do you believe in

76. yourself: it depends

77. miracles: sure

78. love at first sight: not really

79. santa claus: when i was little

80. kiss on a first date: if it were going well then probably

81. angels: sure

other

82. best friend’s name: idk

83. eye colour: extremely dark brown

84. fave movie: rn Rogue One bc it’s the only interesting movie I can think of and I’m getting tired of doing this

85. fave actor: Ben Platt

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omgkeeem · 7 years

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Inside Taekwondo

I was 9 years old when I got myself interested in martial arts. I’m a weird kid back then, showing off my fictional skills in our backyard alone at dark evening with dim lights all over. I was a fat kid that time (well, I still am. but not that much unlike before) And gladly my classmates didn’t have their guts on bullying me, instead they follow me and even respects me as if I’m their master. It’s really funny how it goes seeing myself a bossy one before. I’ve been sent to Principal’s office once, because of pulling on my classmate’s hair --the reason is he kept on blocking the blackboard on purpose where I am still taking down notes-- I didn’t intentionally pulled his hair with extreme force. Adrenaline I guess, who’ll don’t get mad right?.

Later on 5th grade, I was 10 years old. I joined taekwondo, I was with my Nanny when I got myself on registration because Mom can’t take it that time for being too busy at school and it isn’t a big deal for me because I respect Mom and her career. It was mixed emotion that time, I was watching those kids with different colored belts around their waist, following their Instructor/Master’s command. At night, thoughts kept on flying in my mind, being too excited to start my first training. I was too occupied that time, thinking how I will boast it to my friends that I finally joined taekwondo. I badly wanted to be physical fit those time and to learn different kicks.

Months inside taekwondo, everything turned out to be just great. At first, I was way way way too shy wearing my white belt with me. Oh I nearly forgot, I was a very silent person that time, well up ‘til now but it’s much worse before. “I’ll just go with the flow i guess”, I told myself. I remember how my Instructor encourages me to join the Unit meet when I stepped on my 6th grade, I was naive, obeying what all elders telling me, So I agreed. I was a Yellow belter, The fight came and it was very fortunate for me that I won the championship game. Motivations all over! shivers through my spines! All the proud from my families and friends came! it was absolutely brilliant. But, Unfortunately, I failed at Divisional meet. I guess I was being too proud of myself for winning my first award in taekwondo during the held Unit meet. I cried that time and been very down lately, but my instructor lifted my chin up and motivates me even more, to practice more because It was just an experience. “At least now, you knew what makes you lose. more training camille! you’ve got this.”.

Summer, before I turn into Junior High School. I’ve trained harder, atleast 3 times a week. The revenge side has been with me the whole summer. School came, while waiting a long months to play. I focus on my studies first, I got high grades, balancing my role as a student and athlete. Luckily, heaven heard my prayer. I’ve finally selected as one of Taekwondo Regional Players after I won the battle against the Giants!. For snake’s sake, what I hate ‘till now is I’m lack of height hahaha. But, God guided me as if I was David battling against Goliath.

The day came, when we, taekwondo team are obliged to attend a 7 weeks training outside school. There I realized, how hard taekwondo really is. That it’s not every time you’ll just lean unto someone’s shoulder when everything’s not fine. Taekwondo teaches me to be more independent, to step in life using my own feet. It was my first time, being separated with my mom, miiiiiiles away. I’m in Palawan just with my teammates, coaches and trainor.

I hid in bathroom at late night evening that time, crying while talking to my mom at phone. Pleasing her to come as soon as possible. But it isn’t that easy because booking an airplane is way too expensive plus she’s at school, she can’t leave her students out of knowledge. We, players have an exclusive ship that time where we stayed in for 3 days before we got there in Palawan. So, my sister had no choice but to book an airplane, ignoring how expensive it was. I, again failed to win and happily brought home the Bronze Medal. “Maybe it’s not yet your time, ok?” My sister calmed me. Telling me how young i am and still have a lots of years to take over. My opponent is a graduating student that time, meaning if she lose the match, she wasn’t able to play next year anymore. I returned at school, receiving all their sweet smile as they congratulate me. My grades got even higher! just a great thing to have as a motivation at school.

Summer before my 8th grade, I got very tired on attending training 3 times week. The reason is, my friends inside our gym slowly fading out. I mean, every other day, they just went up gone and not showing off their faces anymore. So we were like just 4 inside our gym unlike before that we’re in 20′s. Plus, my instructor trains me to teach the white belters and assist him every training. I had no choice but to follow to the fact that I’m not a fan of spending time with kids, unless they’re that easy to get their attention. I found the training that time, so boring, where I started to leave just for a moment, too. Weeks passed, my sister was so confused asking if we don’t have training schedule those time, there I realized and forgot that I was fully payed for 2 months training session. She scolded me, and I get her point. It was months when I returned at training. And it ripped me off seeing those kids level are already higher than me. I’ll never forget how my instructor welcomed me, “who are you?” he joked and laughed right after. I know it was a joke but hell it hurts me. The way I feel before when I enter the gym turned out to be different. I felt like I was a noob or new comer. I cried at night regretting all those mistakes I’ve done. But I payed my instructor with hardwork and dedication on training which results a good feedback. But, Still, i didn’t make it to Regional meet again.

I hated it being too conceited with myself. There I realized that God is challenging me. I realized my mistakes, I forgot to talk to God every before the fight, and everytime it happens, I always lose. Everytime I judge my opponent’s skill, I lose. I lose everytime I assumed that I will win. So I lost all my hopes, It ripped off my positive side. The reason why nearly quit Taekwondo. “Make yourself humble to god” my sister told me which woked me up again to reality.

I trained continuously. I, again selected as Regional Player when I was in my 9th grade. I worked hard on 1 month training. And been praying every night until the fight came. Again, I lose, receiving all the tormenting words from my trainor, “idiot, stupid!”. Yh, t’was the first time someone called me that and I admit it was all my mistakes. I was covered up all with fear during that match, which gave me unconscious mind inside the rubber mat. Of course I cried again, thinking how much I worked hard on 1 month training and just ended up a loser inside a 2 minutes match. I was so ashamed that I didn’t brought home some medals, not even bronze. I was too guilty at every expenses my family spent for me and for all the knowledge and time that my instructors have shared for me.

I returned home, and I just found myself staring outside the window, crying. Thinking that If I knew that I’ll just ended up a loser, I’ll rather just use that 1 and a half month time on school instead of training. I talked to God everyday, It just feels so good talking to God in a friendly conversational way while crying. It was as if his talking to you, too, but without voices. He’ll just makes you realize something and poop! there you go.

I also talked to myself, weird but that’s how I lived my life. I told myself that when I got myself on 10th grade, I’ll just focus on my studies and prepare for my Senior High and aspired course on college. My decision is settled. play no more and go excel on academics!.

I am now a Grade 10 student. Whose living each day to the fullest as if there’ll be no tomorrow. I’ve gained awards and weight, LOL. Been elected as Class President, has joined Journalism and been very disgusted bringing myself on stages as muse, two times at least, both 1st and 2nd placer. No really, not being boastful but honestly I was very annoyed having them encourages me to participate on this kind of event which literally don’t suite my personality. But I’m somehow very thankful because it cured my Speech-anxiety and stage fright a 60 and a half percent.

Months of success at academics, Idk but I felt like something’s missing and just found myself having a guts on participating the upcoming District meet. I trusted God, and he did never leave my side. Now, he let me joined at Divisional Tournament which I got two gold medals, and right after that God brought me again into National Age Group Taekwondo Tournament and did grant my wish to brought home the Gold and Bronze medal both in two categories I’ve joined, the poomsae and kyurogi. And he still did shower me so much blessings for I just won again yesterday on Divisional meet and selected again as Regional Player which brought me into tears! God did heard my prayer that this will be the last year where I’ll represent my town and province as a player. For I am planning to switch from different school for my Senior High and Career in taekwondo. As my journey continuous... God knows what’s best for me and I will always stick to his plans for I know he has a better dream for me than mine.

I thought joining taekwondo will just help me to be physical fit and gain knowledge on different kicks. But taekwondo did a lot for me, I realized that taekwondo is much wider than i think it was before. It transformed me from a shy and fearful one into a sociable and brave one. Taekwondo builds up my characteristic as a humble woman from a boastful one. Taekwondo teaches me how to treat everyone as a family and to stay positive at all times. It teaches me to manage time between school and career.

Inside Taekwondo, You’ll never see it as a hobby, it’s more like a home where you and your family unites and fight together.

Taekwondo isn’t just a sport, It’s an art of rebuilding your character and conquering your fears at once.

I wanted to thank God that taekwondo was sent to me for it sheltered me against fears and negativity. Indeed a life changing!

i am now on my way to blackbelt degree hihi

12am | 11/11/17

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baekk-hhyun · 7 years

Text

Get to know me tag

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by the lovely @violetnpurple

THE LAST:

1. Drink: black coffee

2. Phone Call: someone

3. Text Message: a friend

4. Song you listened to: I’m listening to harry style’s album right now so that

5. Time you cried: I think it was over a t.v. show

6. Dated someone twice: No

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: No

8. Been cheated on: No

9. Lost someone special: I’m very fortunate to have not gone through that yet

10. Been depressed: yeah, since 9th grade I think

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: almost

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Black

13. Burgundy

14. Rosewood

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yup

16. Fallen out of love: no. I’ve never experienced it

17. Laughed until you cried: yeah. Sometimes I laugh over the stupidest things

18. Found out someone was talking about you: No

19. Met someone who changed you: yes

20. Found out who your friends are: Yes

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list: Never

GENERAL:

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: I deleted facebook but I knew most of them

23. Do you have any pets: yup! a cat

24. Do you want to change your name: not really.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: I think it was close to my graduation

26. What time did you wake up: 8 am

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching a t.v show

28. Name something you can not wait for: idk

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: today

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I could be more independent but for now I have to wait

31. What are you listening to right now: Mostly Dual lipa, harry styles, Sik-k, Exo, Niall horan, the neighbourhood, Lana del rey

32. Have you ever talked to a person named tom: I don’t recall. Tom isn’t a common name here

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: mean people

34. Most visited website: tumblr

35. Mole/s: my wrist, a small one on my cheek, and one on my stomach

36. Mark/s: A dog once bit my face as a child, and it’s similar to sehun’s scar on his cheek except mine is a little less noticeable

37. Childhood dream: same! I wanted to go to hogwarts

38. Hair color: my natural hair color is black but now it’s a orange/brown with black roots

39. Long or short hair: long.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: djhfkjf yes!! B*** (he’s an actor lol)

41. What do you like about yourself: my butt and eyes

42. Piercings: 2 ear piercings

43. Blood type: idk I think A

44. Nickname: lau, lay

45. Relationship status: Single

46. Zodiac: Sagittarius

47. Pronouns: she

48. Favorite tv show: so many recently. Gotham, the defenders, the flash, Brooklyn 99

49. Tattoos: no. But since the age of 15 I’ve always wanted a specific tattoo.

50. Right or left handed: Right

51. Surgery: No

52. Piercing: once again...

53. Sport: I like swimming and riding my brother’s bike late at night but I don’t take them seriously

54. Vacation: Las vegas one time

55. Pair of trainers: I’m pretty sure this is british

MORE GENERAL:

56. Eating: I eat meat but I wish I could go vegan

57. Drinking: water, tea, juice and coffee

58. I’m about to go: study

59. Waiting for: the universe to help me get out this mess

60. Want: reach my goals and travel

61. Get married: maybe one day but I really like being single

62. Career: I’m trying to get into university and study International relations

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: hugs! but kisses too

64. Lips or eyes: eyes

65. Shorter or taller: I’m 5′1 so most guys are taller

66. Older or younger: Older.

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms

68. Hookup or relationship: both. I don’t care much for relationships though

69. Troublemaker or hesitant: Idk I’m a troublemaker sometimes but nothing serious lol

HAVE YOU EVER:

70. Kissed a stranger: yes

71. Drank hard liquor: yes

72. Lost glasses/contact lenses: dont wear them

73. Turned someone down: yes

74: Sex on the first date: no

75. Broken someone’s heart: yeah but it wasn’t my fault

76. Had your heart broken: no

77. Been arrested: no.

78: Cried when someone died: fictional characters

79. Fallen for a friend: No

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. Yourself: Sometimes

81: Miracles: Yeah

82. Love at first sight: I don’t think it works like that. I believe in falling in love not just looking at someone.

83. Santa Claus: Never have

84. Kiss on the first date: yeah

85. Angels: yes!

OTHER:

90. Current best friend’s name: @ayomi-6v6 Also Carolina but she doesn’t have a tumblr

91: Eye color: dark brown

92: Favorite movie: Harry Potter series

Tagging: @ayomi-6v6 @kpop--l @se7un

#about me #tags

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