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omgkeeem · 5 years

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To YOU.

I was holding your hand that night, not even thinking what could be the next thing that might happen. Can't even hear the breezy air outside the obstructed walls, only your soft voice trying to tell me things I never heard. Then I realised, I was screwed when I couldn't keep my eyes off you. I held a soft slide within the strands of your hair, little did you know i was staring at you not even letting the darkness of the room bother me from taking a glance with your shine, slowly, little by little, everything about you became my favorite. Then I had a deep sigh, if only you knew what you can do to me with just one smile.

One day I looked at you, and it suddenly occured to me how beautiful your smile was. I heard music in your laughter; I saw poetry in your words. You asked me why I had that look on my face, as though a shadow has fallen across it's sun-drenched landscape, heavy with premonition, dark with revelation. The second I tried to tell myself I was not in love was the moment I realised I was... Im sorry my love, but I did hate myself for loving you, for I know it was wrong.

This may sound stupid but I love the way your name presents itself. I love the way the letters seem to fit like pieces of a puzzle. Geez, I love the way how it pops up in my phone. The funny thing here is that, there are still millions of people with the same name but their identity will never grace me the way yours does... you are one of a kind.

We both understand that we're not alone on that four sided room, but my mind mumbled, that your eyes were the only important thing in that very room.

I held a deep sigh again, then you ask me, "What's wrong?", I said nothing. But deep down I know I was thinking about you, I want to know more about you, show me the worst part of yourself, the one you hate the most, and I'll show you that I'll still love you the same. Please tell me where to find all your missing phrases, because i know that you... you are the only person who could complete all the perished words in my poetry. I looked at you as an art, I could look at the most beautiful view and I would still look at you. I love you, the good and the bad... no, because I will still love you in your worst.

My eyes were about to shut closed to sleep but I still couldn't stop you from uttering things, but I said, I would stay up every night for the rest of my life if it meant I get to talk to you.

Leisurely you unfasten the ravel between our hands but I stumbled, my mind said stop, just take my hand and let's get lost in Wonderland together. Sunshine, we are so different yet so alike and it makes me want you more. But when are you going to stop being the only thing I want?

My heart is still screaming that I need you and want you and have to have you. But I silence each day, because your heart will never have a thought of me, I gringe into waves, this is reality.

You are my tide, my waves and my shore all at once. I will always remain soft for you. Despite a bad mood, a bad day or the bad thoughts whirring on repeat in my head, graze my skin with your fingertips and I'll turn to running water every damn time. But even then, I love you in ways that not even the sea could ever comprehend.

When your eyes met mine for that small second, I got lost. I got lost in your deep blue ocean eyes. That small smirk plastered on your face as you turned around to face me. It's almost like you feel the same way. But you will not... and will never be not. I needed you more than you thought but sadly, the world was against us, and we could just never be... be the way I want us to be.

I was trying so hard to not let my feelings for you became even deeper, because we were friends and friends should not have feelings for each other. I know we could love each other in another life, under different circumstances. I know we could love each other in another life, it's a shame we only get one. We're so right for each other, but our lives so aren't. And I am wondering if you also ponder what would have become of us If we crossed the line... would you mind taking a risk with me? Probably not.

I just hate the thought that I will never be the sparkle in your eyes but that's enough reason to make me stay in what we have right now. I said that's fine for if we trully fell for each other, it wouldn't be a happy end.

But promise I won't compromise what we have just so I could do what I have been longing to do. Telling you not to forget that you always have me with you.

God knows my eagerness how much I want to hold you close in my arms and tell the world without half-lies how much my heart beats for you. But for now, it's time to pinch back myself to reality and wake up from this daydream.

I love you but this have to end. You're the one I never had, and will never have.

— thoughts from July 2019

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omgkeeem · 5 years

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omgkeeem · 5 years

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Inmate of My Own Rules

Everyone has their own bruises buried beneath their mind. No exemption, no man can escape this stage of life. It always and will always haunt us even in our happiest moments, to mention that darkness is always there to take over the absence of light. I, myself have been suffering for a long time, it may seem unreasonable for the eyes of many, but little did everyone know how heavy a little thing is for a vulnerable person like me. This is the main reason why I chose to be silent from my chaos rumbling inside me, I’m afraid that no one will care and give a single time to absorb what I’m feeling.

As time travels, the world gets older. The world changes, people gradually changing as well. I remember the last time I changed myself as a person. I changed myself not for my sake but for the pleasure of others. I was hurt, seeing them having a full doubt of me, saying that I am not “me”, that I was just pretending to be a silent-type of person. That I have so many things hidden inside me. Bakit ganon? Akala ko kapag once na nagpakatotoo ka, madali na lang ang lahat. Kaso, parang lalong lumubog ang araw noong oras na hinahanap ko ang sinag nito. Sabi ng kaibigan ko noon, “Feeling ko kasi tinatago mo pa yung totoong ikaw e.”, simpleng katagang magsasabing hindi ka tanggap ng kanilang mga mata, o baka nagkulang lang sila sa oras para unawain ang lahat ng meron ka?. Sabagay, sino ba namang mag-aaksaya ng panahon sa isang taong saksakan ng katahimikan?. Tamang sasamahan ka lang kung kailangan. Tamang nandiyan lang sila dahil nga “kaibigan”. If I could just scream how natural my personality back then, I wouldn’t have been suffering on this thought of changing. But, because I’m afraid of losing people around me, I changed. There, I started living on my artificial dimension.

This has been my crucifixion in life. I am an inmate of my own rules, people who surrounds me has been my foundation of living. I am nailed to everyone’s expectations, I let them dictate and manipulate my decisions. Sure, that I have my own voice to speak, but a voice cannot live itself when you are not brave enough to stand for yourself. This is a bad yet the wisest decision I’ve made. I did regret it once, but later on, as I live in my own mask, I see how things turned to be beautiful. It was like watching a seed grows. You get tired at first, but you woke up in the morning seeing it stand so firm and cheerful.

I was an outcast before, but not totally in a wicked way. People looked at me so different. I saw how high they looked at me, that even those people whom I trust are no different. They were hesitant, careful and trying hard to be wise when I’m around. Some would find it pleasuring, but, I don’t tolerate such act because all I want is to exist and live simply. Although, fault was mine. I let them meet this high version of me. But, they can’t blame me as well from being imprisoned on these high expectations. I never dreamed of being so productive but lacking in social life. Back then I thought, that I can stand alone without anyone beside me. But as I get older, I realize how important social life is.

One thing I love about myself, is when I try to understand things first before jumping on a conclusion. Instead of regretting the changes I have made as a person, I took it as a turning point of my life. This second version of me, gave great impact to my existence. I felt how God tested my pride and patience. In fact, he was there all along when I’m in state of confusion. He let me escape my box and mold my being where he know is best for me.

3am thought.

#pretends #fake #outcast #change #silence #problem

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omgkeeem · 5 years

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Misheard Identity

Laughter and endless stories were utter

Hoping their friendship would last forever

Through perfection and flaws

No one have seen her lies that gather

Spent almost half of the given life

But, the beauty in it began to hide

No one dared to ask nor to cry

If she’s worth the presence of the rising light.

Praises of people who admired

The exceptional power she emits, but she’s tired

Tired living at everybody’s dream

Who would guide her to the path desired

She went home emotionless

Contradicts the moment with her friends of best

Straights up to her bed, facing an honest mirror

A witness of all her selfishness

A gentle wind welcomed her at dawn

Another lies might born if left undone

Laughter with genuine smile, guilt echoing in mind

She took a deep breath and ends her life.

____

12am | 3/4/19

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omgkeeem · 6 years

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“I Just Flew”

It was late night evening, and still, I can’t find my way to sleep. My eyes were closed already and my fav pillow was on my side, still, my mind were too occupied with random things I’ve been through during school. I was so exhausted and very tired causing me to fell asleep out of sudden.

Later, I found myself with few of my friends, in a concrete line of bench and having a conversational topic where we have shared laughter and all. Between our bubbly moment, we were interrupted by a bearded old guy who walked passed to us, murmuring something in annoyance as if he was referring to us for being late at something. There I realised that we are at transportation terminal, waiting for the next trip. We missed the 4 o’clock trip so we have to wait again for about hours to go. Why would that bearded old guy scolds us for being late?, it’ll do nothing wrong to him, really... just weird. And I was so curious that time wondering why we are on such a rush.

As the 6 o’clock trip came, we rush inside the vehicle. We travelled for about 3 hours to get in our destination. As soon as the vehicle stopped, we rushed outside and run, I don’t know where we are heading to so I just joined them running, until, our feet brought us to a Port.

“Heeey! wait up!” My friends are waving their hands on the ancient-wooden-look ship that was about to leave, telling it to stop for a bit and it did. We ran towards it and jumped in. I was fascinated because the ship were parked in a shallow area of the sea and we just friggin’ jumped in effortlessly with it’s huge and tall size of walls which surrounds the ship! How magical It was that the ship transformed into a smaller one enough for us to fit. It's as if it was made for us.

We shouted “hoooray!” in unison, I think we were celebrating our success on invading the ship on time?. I really don’t have any idea, It was a big question mark for me, especially when I felt something inside me that we were sent for some mission to complete. My thoughts drowned in water when a deep voice commanded us to rise, it was the captain, so we all stood up. The ship started to move backward and I saw in my great eye vision that we’re only about 7 feet away at the edge of the waterfall. Confusing, yes! how come there’s a waterfall in the middle of the sea?. Scary, Yes! but the weird thing here is that we didn’t felt any fear that time at all. It was as if we were used to it and we’ve done it countless time.

I was on the edge of the ship, having a peek down the edge of the waterfall, observing how high we’ll fall but it was all covered up with clouds so I had no chance to see the very ground of it. I was shocked in delightness when two of my friends jumped out of the ship and having their way down the watefall, I saw them swallowed by thick clouds and they’re nowhere to be found. Finally, the ship went to it’s very edge and we've passed through the clouds.

It takes a split second when we passed through those clouds and later we just found ourselves floating in spacious air! I was exerted with so much force when I fell, so half of my body were sent outside the 2nd layer of clouds, there I felt something steamy on my feet so I looked down and checked, I was silently shookt a bit when I saw that it was so dark down there and t’was all covered up with fire, lava or whatever you call something can-kill-human-burning-fire. So, I tried my best on flapping my both arms back and forth to lift my whole body as much as above the 2nd layer clouds.

I started flying but failed to control it! Idk but it overwhelms me knowing that I can fly, I was a like a new born baby bird learning her first ever fly lesson. I was so happy seeing my friends playing and flying all over! we’re all filled with delight. The place is like what everyone wishes to live at in eternity and forever, it’s like a heaven. The Peaceful sound of wind and enough sunlight to touch our skin, It’s a feeling that can explain by none.

Later, as we enjoy ‘our chance’ to fly everywhere between these clouds. Something caught my attention...

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omgkeeem · 7 years

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Oh, harry. how long I’ve waited for you to possessed me. At first, it was just an inner-voice who kept on whispering countless words through my ear. I thought everything will be just as normal as it used to be, so then I agreed, but, no. No, because from the very start you showed up, I was already instinctively floating in the World of Wizardry.

I was naive, not knowing I was slowly drowning by the intense and magical power your world is revealing. I don’t feel any regret at all, I just felt something odd, something that can send me back into childhood. I’d love to give my pure hearted gratitude right to the root, J.K Rowling, how brilliant you are to let this wizards be born and kindly exposed in a muggle world, they’re purely loved by anyone who ever had existence on earth.

As years goes by, They’ll all be entirely remembered as one of the finest friends to have acquaintance with. Truly a remarkable one that anyone shouldn’t have missed. ‘Til our next journey!

-potterhead

9pm | 11/13/17

#harry potter #jk rowling #potterhead #daniel radcliffe #emma watson #rupert grint

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omgkeeem · 7 years

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Inside Taekwondo

I was 9 years old when I got myself interested in martial arts. I’m a weird kid back then, showing off my fictional skills in our backyard alone at dark evening with dim lights all over. I was a fat kid that time (well, I still am. but not that much unlike before) And gladly my classmates didn’t have their guts on bullying me, instead they follow me and even respects me as if I’m their master. It’s really funny how it goes seeing myself a bossy one before. I’ve been sent to Principal’s office once, because of pulling on my classmate’s hair --the reason is he kept on blocking the blackboard on purpose where I am still taking down notes-- I didn’t intentionally pulled his hair with extreme force. Adrenaline I guess, who’ll don’t get mad right?.

Later on 5th grade, I was 10 years old. I joined taekwondo, I was with my Nanny when I got myself on registration because Mom can’t take it that time for being too busy at school and it isn’t a big deal for me because I respect Mom and her career. It was mixed emotion that time, I was watching those kids with different colored belts around their waist, following their Instructor/Master’s command. At night, thoughts kept on flying in my mind, being too excited to start my first training. I was too occupied that time, thinking how I will boast it to my friends that I finally joined taekwondo. I badly wanted to be physical fit those time and to learn different kicks.

Months inside taekwondo, everything turned out to be just great. At first, I was way way way too shy wearing my white belt with me. Oh I nearly forgot, I was a very silent person that time, well up ‘til now but it’s much worse before. “I’ll just go with the flow i guess”, I told myself. I remember how my Instructor encourages me to join the Unit meet when I stepped on my 6th grade, I was naive, obeying what all elders telling me, So I agreed. I was a Yellow belter, The fight came and it was very fortunate for me that I won the championship game. Motivations all over! shivers through my spines! All the proud from my families and friends came! it was absolutely brilliant. But, Unfortunately, I failed at Divisional meet. I guess I was being too proud of myself for winning my first award in taekwondo during the held Unit meet. I cried that time and been very down lately, but my instructor lifted my chin up and motivates me even more, to practice more because It was just an experience. “At least now, you knew what makes you lose. more training camille! you’ve got this.”.

Summer, before I turn into Junior High School. I’ve trained harder, atleast 3 times a week. The revenge side has been with me the whole summer. School came, while waiting a long months to play. I focus on my studies first, I got high grades, balancing my role as a student and athlete. Luckily, heaven heard my prayer. I’ve finally selected as one of Taekwondo Regional Players after I won the battle against the Giants!. For snake’s sake, what I hate ‘till now is I’m lack of height hahaha. But, God guided me as if I was David battling against Goliath.

The day came, when we, taekwondo team are obliged to attend a 7 weeks training outside school. There I realized, how hard taekwondo really is. That it’s not every time you’ll just lean unto someone’s shoulder when everything’s not fine. Taekwondo teaches me to be more independent, to step in life using my own feet. It was my first time, being separated with my mom, miiiiiiles away. I’m in Palawan just with my teammates, coaches and trainor.

I hid in bathroom at late night evening that time, crying while talking to my mom at phone. Pleasing her to come as soon as possible. But it isn’t that easy because booking an airplane is way too expensive plus she’s at school, she can’t leave her students out of knowledge. We, players have an exclusive ship that time where we stayed in for 3 days before we got there in Palawan. So, my sister had no choice but to book an airplane, ignoring how expensive it was. I, again failed to win and happily brought home the Bronze Medal. “Maybe it’s not yet your time, ok?” My sister calmed me. Telling me how young i am and still have a lots of years to take over. My opponent is a graduating student that time, meaning if she lose the match, she wasn’t able to play next year anymore. I returned at school, receiving all their sweet smile as they congratulate me. My grades got even higher! just a great thing to have as a motivation at school.

Summer before my 8th grade, I got very tired on attending training 3 times week. The reason is, my friends inside our gym slowly fading out. I mean, every other day, they just went up gone and not showing off their faces anymore. So we were like just 4 inside our gym unlike before that we’re in 20′s. Plus, my instructor trains me to teach the white belters and assist him every training. I had no choice but to follow to the fact that I’m not a fan of spending time with kids, unless they’re that easy to get their attention. I found the training that time, so boring, where I started to leave just for a moment, too. Weeks passed, my sister was so confused asking if we don’t have training schedule those time, there I realized and forgot that I was fully payed for 2 months training session. She scolded me, and I get her point. It was months when I returned at training. And it ripped me off seeing those kids level are already higher than me. I’ll never forget how my instructor welcomed me, “who are you?” he joked and laughed right after. I know it was a joke but hell it hurts me. The way I feel before when I enter the gym turned out to be different. I felt like I was a noob or new comer. I cried at night regretting all those mistakes I’ve done. But I payed my instructor with hardwork and dedication on training which results a good feedback. But, Still, i didn’t make it to Regional meet again.

I hated it being too conceited with myself. There I realized that God is challenging me. I realized my mistakes, I forgot to talk to God every before the fight, and everytime it happens, I always lose. Everytime I judge my opponent’s skill, I lose. I lose everytime I assumed that I will win. So I lost all my hopes, It ripped off my positive side. The reason why nearly quit Taekwondo. “Make yourself humble to god” my sister told me which woked me up again to reality.

I trained continuously. I, again selected as Regional Player when I was in my 9th grade. I worked hard on 1 month training. And been praying every night until the fight came. Again, I lose, receiving all the tormenting words from my trainor, “idiot, stupid!”. Yh, t’was the first time someone called me that and I admit it was all my mistakes. I was covered up all with fear during that match, which gave me unconscious mind inside the rubber mat. Of course I cried again, thinking how much I worked hard on 1 month training and just ended up a loser inside a 2 minutes match. I was so ashamed that I didn’t brought home some medals, not even bronze. I was too guilty at every expenses my family spent for me and for all the knowledge and time that my instructors have shared for me.

I returned home, and I just found myself staring outside the window, crying. Thinking that If I knew that I’ll just ended up a loser, I’ll rather just use that 1 and a half month time on school instead of training. I talked to God everyday, It just feels so good talking to God in a friendly conversational way while crying. It was as if his talking to you, too, but without voices. He’ll just makes you realize something and poop! there you go.

I also talked to myself, weird but that’s how I lived my life. I told myself that when I got myself on 10th grade, I’ll just focus on my studies and prepare for my Senior High and aspired course on college. My decision is settled. play no more and go excel on academics!.

I am now a Grade 10 student. Whose living each day to the fullest as if there’ll be no tomorrow. I’ve gained awards and weight, LOL. Been elected as Class President, has joined Journalism and been very disgusted bringing myself on stages as muse, two times at least, both 1st and 2nd placer. No really, not being boastful but honestly I was very annoyed having them encourages me to participate on this kind of event which literally don’t suite my personality. But I’m somehow very thankful because it cured my Speech-anxiety and stage fright a 60 and a half percent.

Months of success at academics, Idk but I felt like something’s missing and just found myself having a guts on participating the upcoming District meet. I trusted God, and he did never leave my side. Now, he let me joined at Divisional Tournament which I got two gold medals, and right after that God brought me again into National Age Group Taekwondo Tournament and did grant my wish to brought home the Gold and Bronze medal both in two categories I’ve joined, the poomsae and kyurogi. And he still did shower me so much blessings for I just won again yesterday on Divisional meet and selected again as Regional Player which brought me into tears! God did heard my prayer that this will be the last year where I’ll represent my town and province as a player. For I am planning to switch from different school for my Senior High and Career in taekwondo. As my journey continuous... God knows what’s best for me and I will always stick to his plans for I know he has a better dream for me than mine.

I thought joining taekwondo will just help me to be physical fit and gain knowledge on different kicks. But taekwondo did a lot for me, I realized that taekwondo is much wider than i think it was before. It transformed me from a shy and fearful one into a sociable and brave one. Taekwondo builds up my characteristic as a humble woman from a boastful one. Taekwondo teaches me how to treat everyone as a family and to stay positive at all times. It teaches me to manage time between school and career.

Inside Taekwondo, You’ll never see it as a hobby, it’s more like a home where you and your family unites and fight together.

Taekwondo isn’t just a sport, It’s an art of rebuilding your character and conquering your fears at once.

I wanted to thank God that taekwondo was sent to me for it sheltered me against fears and negativity. Indeed a life changing!

i am now on my way to blackbelt degree hihi

12am | 11/11/17

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omgkeeem · 7 years

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“Glance”

Remember how we timidly danced

Dancing while you tightly holding my hands

We were so close that time

And now we’re no longer like that even once.

Everything turned out to be broken

As if half of my soul were stolen

Everytime destiny gives us a chance

there’s nothing else we can do

but glance at each other’s wistful eyes.

8pm | 9/25/17

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omgkeeem · 7 years

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“Unfair”

It isn't fair how you guys making me feel not worthy enough to be at with. That It is just fine for you to leave me just like that behind everything i’ve done. I let you guys abuse my kindness, I let you guys asked for favors and all. But now I'm tired, tired of lending my time which you never appreciates at all.

It is just so confusing that everytime the world turns upside down, you guys does the same. I have been lowering my pride and make myself humble to you guys but why is it feels like It didn’t turned out good?. I thought changing myself as a person could be a great decision, but now how can I undo these thing and start again with a better version.

8pm | 9/25/17

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omgkeeem · 7 years

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“False love”

I can still remember how I looked at you those years, how we timidly danced infront of everyone. You were my prince and i was your... nobody. I don’t have much idea why would I fall for you that time, well I reckon that I was just an innocent princess who’s try’na find some perfect match. Besides, we’re still very young that time for goodness sake. Days had come, I chose to forget you, I chose to leave and turn my back at those memories and starts my life over again. This time, without your presence, you were no more my schoolmate, the reason why I perfectly forgotten you. ha-ha-ha *felt proud*

I started again to live my life to the fullest, I’ve been having some great time with my friends and been delighted of myself for achieving outnumbered school awards. I’ve spent my another years of existence very well. First day of school has come, mention all kinds of excitement I could feel, t’was all over my nerves!. Excited that finally I could see my friends again and tell them a lot of story I’ve been through during summer.

It’s just so funny how I blinked my eyes and just saw you there quietly standing on the crowd of people. Like, pssshh why, how? wait-- you’re effin’ real. Oh well, why would I even care? you transferred here, o-kaaay? *shrugs shoulder and pretends that i dont care* .

1 month passed by. I just played it cool, I kept myself calm and focus on my studies. Until, your real identity showed up. I don’t see yourself doing silly things in our class. I thought you’re a kind of person who’s mysterious and the im-not-interested-in-you type of guy. But, no you’re indeed a savagely uncontrolled wild animal who escaped from his cage. Plus, you’re full of knowledge... great knowledge. Just wow. Wow that it gave me butterflies ./.

You know what’s the worst part here? Is that you letting me feel which I’m not able to feel. The feelings I killed long ago has resurrected. You finally gave me so muuuuuch reasons why I fell for you those years ago, reasons which I fell for you again. We’re not even close at once, yeah we made conversation but hell it’s not how you talked to others. I want those humour you have with yourself everytime you talk to me but hell it’s not how it looks like. Hell it’s way more different. You don’t have any Idea how much I cried countless times every night just to burst out this pain inside me.

Yes, I get jealous. Yes, I know that i don’t have the rights to feel this way. But, can i just have 1/4 of your attention? Yes, I’m desperately seeking for your attention. Yes, I’m madly want your attention!. Look what you’ve done to me, I’m now a desperate woman which I don’t dreamed to be. You gave me fountain of insecurities among my girl friends you’re having long convo with. You gave me hundred buckets of enviousness of why I don’t have this sense of humour you want to be at with.

You only plants your eyes on me whenever I am speaking infront of our class, the reason why i wanted to keep my speech more longer and if possible... endless.

Thank you for eradicating my life.

PS: just moved on.

1pm | 19/08/17.

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