#losing a game piece is not ocd related!!!!!!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daz4i · 3 years

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💜

ty legend!!!!!! 💜

my brain is like “if i don’t talk abt how much i love sakusa right now i WILL cry” so guess i’ll just ramble abt my boy. i don’t have anything interesting to say that isn’t just deconstruction of canon in a sense and very different from my usual rambles so uuuuuh tldr i love omi and chapter 394 means a lot to me

manga spoilers under the cut

ok. so. one very cool and sexy thing about him is how he remembers everything???? literally the first time he met hinata when he joined msby he talked abt something that happened 6 years ago and he barely had any reason to remember in the first place. like damn

also i think the whole thing about how he thinks abt hinata and hoshi like “they didn’t get lucky with their body types” is partially bc he really took ushijima’s “i got lucky” words to heart, and he feels that way about himself too! and he’s right. self aware king

i think in addition to the whole being lucky thing ofc he worked hard. like. we see him do intense and super long spiking drills to make sure he’s doing his best, and his nature never half-assing anything definitely played part in it

speaking of. his thing with having to finish everything. relatable king. one of the reasons i hc him as autistic and i won’t be surprised if it’s one of the reasons ppl hc him to have ocd. solidarity

ANYWAY one thing i see ppl maybe kinda misinterpreting abt him is how they think he hates people? which. i guess if you really simplify things you could phrase it like that. but it’s not exactly right

we know he grew up p lonely, not much family around to show him proper affection i’m assuming, and no friends other than his cousin which def contributed to that

also, mixing in his fear of germs, obviously it’s hard being in places with lots of people, or touching them, or interacting with anyone who doesn’t take care of their hygiene or with people who won’t respect his boundaries (bc like. saying this as an autistic person. i totally get that last part, and we even know more or less what a good chunk of sakusa’s boundaries are bc of his fear of germs)

sooooo you end up getting a man who might pass off as “rude” and “unsociable” but really he’s just taking care of himself yknow? he’s perfectly valid to hate crowds, to wear a mask in public, to be disgusted by people leaving the bathroom without washing their hands etc etc

but! that’s a big but! most of it is related to strangers, not his own friends (and that’s also why he befriended people like ushijima and iizuna!! bc he knew they’re “safe”)!! like one fanon pet peeve i have is when ppl make him to be rude to his own teammates for example when. listen

one scene i see used as example of him being ~cold~ or ~mean~ is the first time we see him post timeskip, in the monster generation reunion, the whole “you’d better have gotten your flu shots” thing. part of why he might pass this way is atsumu’s dramatic reaction to it if anything tbh

idk if nts get this but. this is him showing concern/worry? 3 of his teammates are there so obviously he doesn’t want them to get sick, also his long-time friend (ushijima) whom he obviously cares for. there’s no malice in what he says. he shows that he cares through making sure these people are okay and healthy

other occasions is when,, what? he calls people out on doing something dumb? i def don’t think he’s trying to be rude, only adhering to rules of basic manners and trying to keep them from embarrassing themselves and through it the entire team

like. he’s just direct! that’s a good thing!!!! pls leave my man alone he’s not rude he’s just different from you

(also other ppl pointed this out before but. the scene where he lies on the ground with hinata next to him! is a good example that he feels comfortable enough with other people, as long as they respect his boundaries!! hinata isn’t touching him or sitting too close, but they’re still together! and some time later he’s trash talking with atsumu so they’re clearly friends too! like he doesn’t hate people he just shows love, kindness, and caring in his own unique way!!!!!! real king shit!!!!!)

one aspect of him that i noticed i personally fixate on a lot when it comes to characterizing him is his need for control, if anything

the go-to scenes for that is p much any time we see him behave according to his fear of germs really. but they’re not the only ones!!

it’s like what i mentioned, teammates about to do something embarrassing for example. unless he stops them in time, he’s losing his control over the situation.

his whole thing with never leaving anything unfinished, definitely playing part in it. i totally get it too tbh. if you leave, for example, a puzzle unfinished, people can come and touch it, move things around from where you last left them, put in pieces before you do, etc.

if he’s got a goal he decided on ahead of time - 1000 spike drills? - and he reaches it, he’s had full control of the situation from start to finish.

it’s a good coping mechanism tbh, esp when you’re going to inevitably feel out of control (which is very likely when you’re touch averted but still interact with people, hate crowds but obviously have to go through them, etc etc)

that’s also probably another reason why itachiyama’s loss in nationals left a mark on him, i think? like. he’s thinking about it 6 years later in the middle of a game during his professional career. and ik it’s bc it’s a story device but shhhh.

but yeah! the whole “even though we practiced everything like we were supposed to”, and seeing a captain he admired crumble and cry over this unexpected loss too. these are both rough things to go through, i think. still, as he said, he didn’t have anything to regret about it because there was not much else he could do anyway. still, i doubt it didn’t hurt

but i think that’s what makes that special thing™ about him all the most interesting and symbolic! his flexible wrists and the way he uses them! such a good way to have more control than others in this game!!!! he can control parts of himself that others can’t!!!!! he’s got full control!!!! woah!!!!!!! yeah this counts as symbolism bc i said so :D

but this is also part of where his behaviour is coming from! like, it’s hard to keep control over a situation that involves more people. you can’t control other people. they behave in unexpected ways, some of these ways may not align with your personal needs. ofc you’d be cautious in those situations if control is something you need!

aaaaaah anyway yeah, this isn’t going anywhere nor is there a point, i just love him omg. stan sakusa kiyoomi for a clear skin and a good 2021

#there may be some connections and parts that don't make sense aksfhjd i'm sleepyyyyy #and yet i wrote 1200 words about the fact i love kiyoomi. ok. i'm normal.#dan rambles #again sorry for any typos!!!! :')#living up to my pinned post. this is an omi omi love blog #thestarsshone

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katrina230801 · 4 years

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Weekly Task 1

1) Describe briefly in a few sentences what each of the Paines Plough monologues was about.

The first monologue ‘Manchester - Chris Thorpe’ tells us memories from Chris’ life where his disorder takes control over his hands. One of them being a time where Chris was carrying a bag of golf clubs and walking with his friend, he said that his mind had no control over his hands and he ended up hitting his friend with the golf club (Alien hand syndrome- a phenomenon in which one hand is not under control of the mind. The person loses control of the hand, and it acts as if it has a mind of its own). He did not know what he was doing. His disorder affects him every day and he has no control over it.

Hannah Silva’s monologue ‘Plymouth’ is repetitive with many pauses. It takes the audience on a crazy journey of her and a man. She describes things he saw and heard at the time ‘parrot, music, drawings, the sea.’ The monologue picks up after a while and she starts overlapping what she says and then makes noises. It seems like she has a form of anxiety (anxiety disorders involve repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety) which could be the reason why her monologue picked up the pace and overlapped itself because it resonates a busy/anxious mind.

Chloe Moss’ monologue is about a memory of when she was younger in school, she says she has to perform a mantra, she taps her head a certain amount of times or she thinks something bad would happen to her. These characteristics come from the mental disorder OCD (a mental disorder in which a person feels the need to perform certain routines repeatedly). Chloe ends up ditching school and going to the beach where a lady approaches her and makes her realize that she does not need to complete her mantra.

‘London’ which is spoken by Zia Ahmed talks about how he feels like he does not fit in, he talks about times where he would walk to school with friends and feel detached from himself. He openly talks about how strange he feels and that his disorder runs in his genes. He is diagnosed with type 1 displacement disorder which causes feelings of feeling disconnected from yourself and the world around you.

Alan Harris’ ‘Cardiff’ talks about his experiences and how he ends up getting arrested for stealing a bike but does not have much recollection of it happening. He seems to have split personalities because he then mentions he started to believe he was a duck and that he could remember the ducks past life. He was caught with his feet in the toilet so that he could keep his webbed feet wet.

2) What images/ characters / moments particularly stuck out for you in any of the Paines Plough monologues and why? ( choose 3)

Hannah Silva’s monologue stuck out for me because it didn’t really have much of a structure to it, it was quite random. She told a story using imagery of what she saw (the sea, tunnels) but the sentences were broken. She would take long pauses in-between things she would say and it didn’t really make sense. She would also start talking about one thing and then jump to a completely different topic. I found the monologue to be quite difficult to follow because of the way the monologue was conveyed but also relatable because I have quite a busy mind and it doesn’t always make sense.

Chloe Moss’ monologue was also interesting because her OCD characteristics seems to run her down and control her, it is like a constant itch that she has to scratch. It made me feel sorry for her because I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to always have to repeat mantras, routine's and go live my life when the anxiety of something bad happening was always there. It was also nice to hear that at the end of her monologue when she went to fetch the ball for the woman, she forgot to do her mantra. She realized that she didn’t need to do it, it must’ve felt so good.

Chris Thorpe’s monologue (Manchester) was also interesting because he has control of his hands but can sometimes be independent from his body. His mind can’t control what they do, he hit his friend without meaning to. It must be difficult not knowing how your body will react and also the people around you having to be cautious that you might harm them. I feel that during the monologue I was quite confused until the end where I started putting all the pieces together, I thought it was him just trying to take revenge for the practical joke his friend played, but when listening to it for a second time I realized that he had Alien Hand Syndrome which must of made it hard for him after he hit his friend because of the guilt and hurt he didn't mean to cause.

3) How were the National Theatre Scotland monologues using the frame ( screen) to successfully tell a story?

A Mug’s Game

The way that this monologue is presented and preformed is like an interview, the man came in and sat down in front of the camera and talks to it. At the start he looks nervous and starts to clear his throat ready for filming, but looks as if he is speaking to the person who is asking the questions. When watching this monologue I found that they would use small clips of men working and the boss walking by to make sure they are doing their job. In my opinion I think that this was a very good way to use the screen because it looks professional and well made.

Isolation

In this short piece preformed by Katie Dickie, the woman uses different camera angles, it’s quite dramatic and looks like it was a video diary to try and connect with the audience a lot more than the other monologue by expressing her thoughts and feelings through her current situation. Every time she wakes up from a nightmare which is a reoccurring thing, you see a clip of the nightmare getting a lot more clearer and you start to form the image of a white door. I also like the idea of using the different camera angles in and throughout, for example when she is washing her hands and used her foot to turn of the tap and near the end you see her line up her kids animals on the floor. I also feel that this monologue could relate to people more than the other one because it is current and you feel like you are there with her whereas the other one he talks about a event that happened in his life.

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poison-shark · 5 years

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Noa’s Best Friends

Zarifa Robinson

Sudanese/Jamaican

Is Muslim and wears a hijab

Trans lesbian

Moved to Coast City in 9th Grade

Born to Asim and Chandice Robinson

Was born in the US but moved to Sudan after mom died

Dad’s Sudanese

Mom’s Jamaican

Mom died during childbirth

Dad’s an anesthesiologist

Mom was a surgeon

Her parents met at Uni in America

She and her dad had always been super close

Zarifa came out to her dad after a lot of inner turmoil, but he accepted her

He decided that they should move to the USA bc it’s illegal to be gay in Sudan

Zari is super sweet and outgoing, but has immense social anxiety

She’s also super stubborn and once she sets her mind on something she does it

Her heart is always in the right place and she loves making things for her friends

They all have friendship bracelets courtesy of Zari

She and Noa force Leela to go shopping with them

Loves wearing pastels and florals

Is really into gardening and botany

She and Noa geek out over science

She wants to be a florist

Zari really loves her job at The Blooming Jasmine

Is dating Leela they’re super cute

Zarifa gives Leela a different flower everyday

They started dating sophomore year

Is best friends with her girlfriend’s brother, Inayat and even better friends with Gulzar, Leela’s nibling

They all try to get Leela to at least wear stuff that goes together

Leela gases this girl up so much

So do Noa and Omar, but it’s cuter when Leela does it

Everyone is overprotective of her

U mess with Zari and u dead

Met Noa at cheer tryouts freshman year

Some of the other freshman girls said that she shouldn’t be allowed to cheer bc she’s trans and a lesbian

Noa was about to try something when Zari stopped her

She completely outshined them in that gymnasium

Naturally impressing everyone around her

The senior girls in charge knew she was gonna be on the team already

Noa invited her to sit at their lunch table

And the rest is history

Noa tells Zarifa about being a Star Sapphire a year after they meet when she demands and answer for why all of their friends are ghosting her when Noa does superhero stuff and the others cover for her

Leela Zaman

Is Muslim

Wears a Hijab

Lesbian

Moved to Coast City in 3rd Grade from Pakistan

Manish and Syeda Zaman are her parents

Dad died a year after they moved

Has an older brother, Inayat, who is 35

She’s an aunt

Her brother is supportive of her and has 13 yo nonbinary kid, Gulzar

Her mother is not supportive

Is dating Zarifa

Mom runs a restaurant, Piece of Pakistan

She opened it after Manish died to keep food on the table

Dad was an insurance broker

Brother’s a game developer

She’s super athletic

Plays lacrosse in fall, basketball in the winter, does track in spring, and volleyball in summer

Is super funny and sarcastic

Is not afraid to stick up for herself

Is really passionate about cooking

Has always been more of a tomboy

Has vowed never to wear skirts

Can mostly be seen in workout gear

Doesn’t care about fashion

Literal fashion disaster

Will wear rain boots with sweatpants and a ‘matching’ flannel

She’s not good at math, so Noa tutors her and Omar

Leela’s already been accepted to like 6 colleges for an athletics scholarship for girls basketball

She wants to go pro

Since Noa started making real money with the whole music thing she takes Leela to a Coast City Clippers game every year for her birthday

Works at A Piece of Pakistan to help her mom out

When she was younger she and her mom were so close, but as she got older, they grew apart for a lot of reasons

She’s very devoted to her faith even though she doesn’t talk about it much

Her mom doesn’t approve of her being a lesbian, but has accepted that she is and still loves her

Her mom is grateful that at least it’s Zarifa

Met Noa at basketball practice in 3rd grade when Noa complimented her hijab

She scored a two pointer during an ice breaker and Noa was struggling to get the ball from one of the bigger girls when she straight up pushed Noa down

Leela tripped that girl 12 times during drills

They’ve been buds ever since

Noa tells her about the Star Sapphire thing about six months after they met after Dela Pharon went nuts and kidnapped Noa to get to Carol

Omar Fernando Villaverde De La Fuente

Costa Rican/Venezuelan

Aro/Ace

Autistic

Born n raised in Coast City to Ronaldo Villaverde and Idania De La Fuente

Helicopter mom

Parents are divorced

Mom’s superintendent

Dad’s honorably discharged from the Air Force for losing a leg

His father cheated on his mom overseas

Married the woman he cheated on her with, Rebecca Watson

Her son lives with them at his dad’s

His parents have 50/50 custody but he hates staying with his dad

His step-brother Brandon Austin Braun is awful

Brandon is star football player for their school

Worst Person on the Planet Award goes to Brandon

Tortures Omar at school but not at home

Ronaldo treats Brandon better bc they have more in common/to appeal more to Rebecca who also deserves the aforementioned award

Rebecca doesn’t like or is condescending/rude to Omar and his friends for racist/ xenophobic/ islamophobic/ homophobic/ transphobic/ ableist reasons much like her son

Ronaldo sees none of this

Omar doesn’t tell him because he doesn’t think his dad will believe him

Joins track to make his dad happy

His mom doesn’t want to remarry and is super sweet and helpful

She has OCD retaining mostly to order, everything needs to be just so, will do things over and over till perfect

Her meds help a lot though and so does therapy

In relation to his Autism Omar really likes noise

Background noise, crowds, ocean sounds, anything

Hates silence so he listens to music in his sleep

Is a band kid

Plays snare

Can’t smell anything

Loves spicy or crunchy foods

Can’t stand smooth/creamy solids

Used to chew on his clothes

Now he only does that when stressed

Still chews on his pencils and bites his nails

Has some faint synaesthesia

He can taste certain words like purple tastes sweet

Fears nothing, but has to look both ways before crossing the street and always puts his seatbelt on as soon as he gets to the car

Impulsive

Says things as he thinks them a lot or sometimes will blurt out active thoughts no matter what

Clicks his pens to stim when he can’t have headphones in or when there is no noise

Other stims: drumming, chewing, humming, tongue clicking, snapping his fingers, clapping, collecting

Special interests fish, biology, splatoon, music

Will feed his fish at 5 am everyday

Noa gets him a new fish every year for his birthday

He has panic attacks when they die so he calls Noa and they hold fishy toilet funerals

Works at the Coast City Aquarium

Helps Noa write music

He gets 50%

Does not like being at his dad’s house so every other week he hangs out at Noa’s or Leela’s brother’s

Met Noa her first day of 1st grade at Westport Elementary

Noa was told by Ms. Sault and Mrs. Pecora to sit next to him

The bonded over science, music, and the fact that Noa is technically Atlantean

Noa is one of the only people he is actually comfortable around

She protects him from Brandon and has been suspended multiple times for snapping his wrist and breaking his nose

The two of them had ‘study group’ every other week

It was more of an excuse to get him out of his dad’s house

They did study though Noa tutors him in math bc he really doesn’t get it and he helps her memorize dead white guys for history

They continue this into high school but now with Zari and Leela

Noa tells him about the whole Star Sapphire thing after three months of them being friends because he said kids ‘like them’ were never heroes

She proved him wrong, but she’s been trying to make him see that he’s already proven himself wrong

Zari doesn’t quite get his autism like Noa and eventually Leela, but she tries and defends him against anyone who tries some shit

Even though Leela was originally Noa’s friend, the two bonded over time despite having very little common interest other than track

@gegeru @insideoflit

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tumbling-za · 7 years

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DFTBA

Sometimes the world gives you little glimpse of a reality you are not exactly ready to face and I think that was why this silly book actually was painful to read. Turtles All the Way Down has a plot that is pretty normal for John Green; his sense of pacing has both intrigued me and comforted me with its gentleness since I first started reading his work about five years ago. But there is something about this book that truly unnerved me and part of that unnerving feeling is that the mental health issues the main character is facing is something that resonated with me too closely.

No I don't have OCD, that I am sure, but anxiety is something that I have been coming to terms with for years. The constant thoughts racing towards a nonexistent finish line, the feeling of constantly needing to move, needing to do SOMETHING, anything just to slow it down enough to eat, to sleep, to have thoughts that are not constantly plagued with unknowing is something I do live with.

I don't live in ever tightening spirals, or at least I don't characterize it that way. Instead it is running, so much running until I feel like I need to collapse but I know if I do I will never get up. I am used to this feeling, the running but sometimes my legs want to seize and and I want to stop and tend to the injury and hurt I have caused. Even my coping habit, though not self harm (finger pricking) like the novel is still harmful. I have been using a form of self harm as treatment for years and even though I know it is hurting me I still go back. Hell I am here right now as I am typing, feeling soothed by every deep breath in while also revving myself up to run again.

I also relate too much to the main character not wanting to replace herself with pills. I know there is no shame in it but there is a fear that washes over me whenever I even think about medication. What if I discover that who I think I am, the drive and determination is just a manifestation of my disease and when I take a pill it all goes away? What if the only reason I am successful is because I am so good at running and then I take something that makes me stop. I don't think I would know what to do if I stood still, notice the trees, how the rain of Portland dances off of the surfaces of cars at night, reflecting streetlights into the dark.

I don't post much and when I do I know that the majority of people in my life won't see this which in of itself is soothing. My friends and family know that I have nervous tendencies, that my mind never exactly stops running but I think that if I expressed the full extent of the speeds that I run...well, I am not really sure.

Right now as I write this my mind is in ten different places; work, reactions from MB when he reads this, how due to this disease I have ruined friendships (even if it was with bad people) I have isolated myself, and I might have stunted my own emotional growth, how the Internet here doesn't like to work and how, at the end of it all, it never stops. Like Aza I am not sure if I can describe it all, there is no pain involved but there is no way of making it stop and even if there was I don't know if I would want to know myself with out the thoughts.

Every moment, from the time I open my eyes to the moment I think myself to sleep I can't stop. It is almost a compulsion and it drives every interaction. I think about trivial emails, interactions from decades ago, comebacks to things said to me over a decade ago and sometimes I drift off course and imagine and wish I could go back in time and say them, how the scenario would have changed even though such thoughts are impossible. I worry about appearing dumb so I think of every possible scenario for every conversation even with those who I love at hyper speed, choosing the words that will get reactions I can handle.

But then the thoughts about the other reactions fill my mind, make me quit activities, make me hide and when I am asked to get outside of myself I snap. I would rather live within myself, safe from the thoughts than living.

Maybe comparing my thoughts to an endless game of chess against an imagined chess master in my own mind is a better metaphor. I never know who I am facing but I know if I lose the game I lose everything I have worked for. That if I move off my given track of activities, or thoughts, that I will somehow lose a pawn, or my queen to this foe and never be able to get it back. However screaming into the void of the Internet has always been more comforting than actually talking which should have been my first warning that I am not always winning this game.

I have learned to somewhat live with the constant thoughts but I know as much as the protagonist of the story that it is not normal. Sure it might even sound normal here but consider this; my thoughts are so plagued with doubts that I feel the constant need to google myself, to check blogs of people I haven't spoken to since high school just to make sure that I am not the bane of their existence, to see that they have forgotten about me in a way where I no longer have to worry or fear what they might be saying. That my friends is not normal, that is irrational, that is me checking the pieces on the board to make sure everything is there even when there is no game being played.

#DFTBA #anxitey #mental health #journal #long post

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thecrookedgavel · 4 years

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out.

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it.

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts.

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing.

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way.

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her.

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago.

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode.

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle.

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal.

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears.

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could.

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though.

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either.

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before.

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

#queer #lgbtpride #visualart #podcast #transisbeautiful

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opalmothnightingale · 6 years

Text

Childlike & Friendly Life + Love... In Whatsoever Form I Find it For My Self, Almighty Self in God’s Safe Keep & Guidance/Leading (Blind Faith Through the Desert,.. & All That)

2- 2- 18 -

I can imagine a life with someone who doesn’t have a normal job, as a lover, but also a lover that doesn’t need me to depend on, not me to depend on them, not them to depend on me. I can’t say I’ll never need to depend on someone.

I can’t say I can’t need to depend on physical, material resources.

So, I also seem to depend on my daughter’s love and sweetness, fun, playfulness, creativity, energy, intuition, messages from the beyond,...

So much,... more than I can really say, but that doesn’t stop me from trying and making sure I’m seeking, and finding... what I really want and need as much as I can, and not losing grasp of reality...

Not lost in a blur of sloppy haze and weak ideals or intents... Weak will...

Lol No, never. Wishy washy go with the flow of confusion... I see deeper through experience what is better, not just for me but for everyone too... It’s true. (Not that I see what everyone can and should do but that what I do is for the greater good of all, and I can use my will for that, instead of go with the flow).

And so I have come to see and realize deeply and lucidly and intellectually as well as in heart, soul and ideals... That... Childlike heart is what I seek to purify and keep from falling apart,... Childlike mind... Childlike world, childhood found, never to be lost, ...

I know, now, pretty sure, if I can possibly help it,.. that it will never to let slip from my feeling and sight and mind and actions again... A whole world around it... So yes,...

Great insight and intelligence and clear seeing, heart and adventuresome spirit, glee, lightness, and fire and airiness, imagination... All that...

I rely on all that and all that is given to me by the chance I have to raise my daughter intensively, separately from the world, or modern society, led by spirit and god and higher self, inner self, true self... All that yeah...

I am dependent on that... By that token I am dependent on a life with immense free time and separateness from society....

And wherein I still am able to meet my physical well being needs,... For sensitivities, food sensitivities, allergies, illnesses, etc, etc, etc, etc,... Mental health conditions/illnesses,... and all these vulnerabilities for me and my daughter, personality conditions, autism spectrum, ocd, sensory processing, traumatic issues... All that..

So in a sense I guess it can be said I depend on those things, I depend on our needs and the solutions that lie in the illnesses and needs and peculiarities and conditions...

Because if we make space, listen, care, are patient, these things even hold their own cures... Especially when guided and led and listening and communicating vastly, clearly and intricately,... And, with much time to commune,... and, to ask and receive,.. And converse with the answers, from spirit and god...

So I’m dependent too, on all that..

On communication with spirit, god, and higher self and divination and intuition and signs and symbols and guidance and leading, faith and blind faith and patience, that makes all this immense showering guidance that helps and heals enough, enough to keep me safe, us safe... So far... As it seems the promise of my deities, we will not drop you, will not let you suffer wrongly and endlessly...

I guess... I think...

Maybe... Pretty sure.

But, well,... Maybe with some exceptions I can’t see or understand... But nothing else can really be any more safe to save me than spirit...

So, just,... Yeah, so just as long as I also must use my brain and avail my self of sense, sanity, safety, material needs supplied for in a way that makes sense to me.

Not totally blind faith. Not no compromises. Not omnipotent or omniscient, overpowering all obstacles... Not my deities and spirit and higher self as I know them... So sometimes the tragedy might be unpreventable, but that is not to say there is not any redemption or a tunnel out or a key out of it all... There will be if you tried earnestly enough, and had enough faith, love, good seeking, good values, and all of that... So all those good values and good seeking and faith are things I depend on too, that are related, all the practices that facilitate those states too...

Meditations, energy practices, prayers, mantras, kundalini things, grounding things, contemplation, clear mind, meditative practices, passion, joy, metta, love in action, karma yoga, bhakti and things like that... Also clearing, diving into the pain and cleaning, dealing with, doing what I need to do and facing it as I’m able, in healthy doses, not too much at a time, ... Faith I will get through it, in a good time... All this...

But this is the kind of life I want... A childlike life of vitality, playfulness, creativity, in the senses, having fun, just a life of play, life one great playground, one great game,.. Lila,... The wonder, the mystery, the trickery, the unveiling mysteriously only when the time is right...

All these ideologies and the other realms, other lifetimes, these are also things I depend on, and the ability to sense them, through guidance, revelation and the fruits that show them to be what they really are, too, over time... Not without any sacrifice or uncertainty, but enough good over time to show them clearly enough to have faith, to suspend disbelief, to keep trying, ...to keep on seeking improvement and seeking better, an engaged climb...

Life is better when you are actively engaged in pushing yourself and have some high aim to seek after...

Rather than settled, at the top, not much more to do, knowing everything, having it all figured out...

And so, yeah... It’s like that for me...

I need a life with a lover, or a lover in spirit, and/or a lover in myself and the world, of a childlike joyful life of integrity and simplicity and true nature, laziness, wasting time,... Yes,... Lol ... if that is what my needs and limits require,...

But also working and doing good when I can and am called in my heart and convictions...

Convictions wakened boldly so I can’t truly be lazy any longer, like I used to... A good lazy that is truly just incubating ideas and creativity for highest good and most effectiveness....

Really effective. Not wasting time on competitive false goals and values that don’t engage my true gifts or values but are only all about showing off, ... Ugh... Competing, convincing peoples’ intellects, or judgments, assumptions, instead of trusting... instead of living and letting live and not assuming you know what someone else is going through,... Or that you could ever really know.... whether they’re doing the best they can and what they’re doing is what’s right and the best for them...

So I don’t assume about others...

And I just find what’s good and natural for me and don’t worry over those who try to inject themselves into the lives of others...

They’re not for me but maybe they have a place elsewhere, just not in my circle of awareness or concern when they act like that...

It’s not my thing just like math isn’t my thing either... Lol

With little usefulness for me and my temperament and brain...

That is all. I need a lover who is childlike, playful, joyful, vital, energetic... Lazy, easy, sweet, peaceful, flowing, intuitive, grounded, humble... Hard working only on the goals that call to deepest heart, joy and passion...

I want a world revolved around my daughter and the true things we most enjoy that are most natural, in the senses, down to earth, creative...

Not this screen-glued life that most people live and social performing life most live... The world we two have now...

And I want a life and world like this... And I also want a world and life that is me alone, not my daughter, not anybody, for some of the time...

Not much of my day, but maybe an hour or two or a few, each day... Not big gaping hours away from my daughter or anyone who cares about me and understands me...

And maybe other children one day, as my daughter grows up... If I can find a job or something that will fill that role for me....

But other than that, if some lover can fit their world into my world, ... may be it can be, like childhood friends and lovers we are, not binding each other, free to drift apart...

Free and innocent to simply drift, gone forever, because we might get distracted by other activities, to part ways then, and strong resilient, easy, flowing open hearted childre,... Children who will not have hard hearts nor feel abandoned, but be able to find others to spend time with if that happens... That is what I want,... If I ever had a lover..

If I didn’t have a lover, then I want the other worlds and lives for myself, regardless, with little, not even a second thought to the lover hunger anger longing needy condition, clinging garbage...

How to create a world like that... That’s the answer I’m building up detail, bit, piece and pattern and rhythm, flow, process... at a time... Changeable but constant and whole and a microcosm of all my needs that shift around but are visible and maintainable even as they are always in a state of flux and fluidity, up and down, etc... So is life.

So is society. We can’t cling like we think we are doing, when really that is not real. Not so real, at least, not solid and lasting.

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lifepartnersincrime · 7 years

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'16 "Tweets" on MOECHACHOS

Kid Sis lives in a city (of sorts–#Memphis), uses N-word, mocks minorities, covered up murders of 3 #Mexicans- #Lucky (outside #GoldStrike)

My dying Dad said I’d have Delta for many years to come. But she died young & so did my Ana, because of Indmar Wives

When my Mom died my creepy sister told me at #Paragould hospital she’d euthanize my dogs if I didn’t sign her back onto family bank account.

Orangutan hanging over #DedraOwens (‘Wife’ I later learned) told me I could not go back to my own home. I had no ride. My dogs were helpless

Polk Ballad Granny 👵🎤👭🎲💵 you got had by Gator Tranny 🐍🐊🐽💩🐒👵👭💵💸😈👹👺🎅😂👾💀🔚

‘Polk’ - for punk-folk - the most uninspired, ineffectual portmanteau word of all time. Invented by Dedra ‘Moe’ Owens.

Dad, early 2001, warning me never to trust my sister– “I lost all respect for your sister in 1991 when I was laying there dying in a … /1

… hospital bed and she asked me for your Mom’s car with that f-ckin’ geek standing right behind her looking at his watch.” /2

Incredible coincidence! Man blackmailed out of home & lifelong assets owned items identical2 ones that turned up 4sale by sister & Her Wife!

Cousin & I both got physically sick realizing Dei Moe Rowe probably dressed her “wife” in my Dad’s Marine uniform as a turn-on. Heard worse-

Never sign a shifty relative back onto your family bank account *before* she tells you the threatening thug hanging over her is her ‘Wife.’

In the greatest emergency of your life… Who you NOT gonna call? GLOAT BUSKERS! Those boys’ll pack up their gee-tars & begging bowls & COME

Dee Moe, Larry, Curly & pet monkey looted me, terrorized me, took my home for crack & casino money, & vanished in dust trail of lies #PTSD

Alive Despite Rowes #3WordsToDefineYourself #IndmarProducts #AngelaChristineRowe #DedraOwens #Memphis #Millington #DrugFrontBar

Gambling warnings at convenience store are more honest than Surgeon General warnings on cigarette packs. Gamblers steal or worse to lose ass

Moe’s polk album never came out–but Moe did! After I signed her back onto family bank account, left to me, to keep her from killing my dogs

Mystery solved: The creative giant behind “polk music” simply removed the “a” from “polka”–and freed it up for “electronicA”! #musichistory

#AngelaChristineRowe -“Old people smell”…You weren’t young in 2002 (w/mausolean “meth” Funk Breath). Now, crone, it’s daily Eau de Cologne

Deirdre (Moe’s “wife” insisted Moe call herself this, probably also thinking zebras should be zeirbres)–Dei Moe–has #Paragould accomplices

A Few Things I’ve Gotten Back from Thieves of My Estate Sometimes it’s not a matter of how wrong or how right something is, but how gross or how un-gross it is Thank u doctor 👍 Sincere Owens T-U⬆ That felt like RoboCop thanking The OldMan for removing his 4th Prime Directive so Dick Jones could go to The Great Board Meeting in the Sky Introversion is a hidden tragedy and a hidden gift. All introverts are pressured to be extroverts (who make up 75% of humanity). Impossible. Temperament of introversion baffles extroverts, who feed off interaction. When I grew up “nerd” was a slur. Too many syllables in introvert? Introverts keep few friends but tend to be “leaders.” Extroverts turn to introvert friends for ideas. Much of human behavior explained here. Maybe it’s nice to be anhedonic from depression. OCD causes depression. I have Major Depressive Disorder, bipolar symptoms. Denied anhedonia PTSD numbness goes beyond “subatomic level” of anhedonia. Dr F had mentioned anhedonia to me in 1999, before my parents died & I was #abused Dei Moe got the all-clear from a Memphis or Cordova psychiatric ward without telling them she ran a drug-front bar where 3 people were shot💀 Whoever sells any idea that people with #OCD can “recover” from that chronic, usually hereditary, brain disorder, is a liar. Liar😈 vs Buyer😇 Long solitude, shock, strong medication–"do the math” as a walking cliche would say. Any lone, *trapped* person is helpless protecting pets You sure don’t see the MOECHACHOS threatening me now. Already ate meat off my bones. But I’m here, I’m THE FACTS against the THE ACTS. C'mon I went years without reading, in a PTSD abyss. Moe had boasted I would suffer for being favorite child. Worse fate? Being Moe. Da SOOPA STAH Only therapy is confrontation–of problem, of problem-causer, of naked self. Numbness and depression encourage their aide-de-camp, avoidance You have 2B strong and indifferent. Save energy 4 what matters. Be fair, be distant. Generally, it’s harder 2 screw an ©sshole than a p°ssy. “A place you’d never want to go.” Many fellow Arkansans have used that phrase to describe *every other* Southern state to me. HALLELUJAH 😐😕🤔 I’ll never understand why people w/ 2-second-long attention spans ask questions…non-rhetorical questions. Others only answer for 2 seconds When dealing a 2nd time w/ a 2-second listener processing the start of my answer to their question, I like to just shut up.They don’t notice Then comes the bonus. A faraway-look face like a chicken’s, only missing a beak. A void stare. Can someone like this even watch television?😨 Short-circuiting inquisitors make the Ilia probe from Star Trek: TMP seem like Dear Abby. “Fascinating…no signs of brain activity at all.” I’m not keen on random talk. So quiet is my territory. Nip a game in the bud: just keep mum. Then: “Huh?” “Nothing.” Pure truth, that. Zilch Asking then ignoring is disrespectful. My “Ignore then absently ask 'What’?” tactic sure to earn you equal footing other party doesn’t want. That may not be respect,but there are other fine social parries than those that earn a snot’s fickle admiration. +element of surprise is fun “The Cook, The Thief~” movie still unsettling after all these years. Trauma from abuse finally drove it home for me. Grim score so funereal💀 Moe thought she was Spica to my Georgina. The dining room funeral procession should be Moe’s Wife served as sushi to the GS Casino Grannibal Took me years 2 work up nerve 2 watch TCTTHWAHL. I was a low-key guy. Will just say, Albert Spica’s vulgarity cannot compare 2 Dedra Owens’s Abused Poor Pup I was hands my metaphorical Georgina Albert’s substitute pee shooter…& Georgina is pissed at the chilling Private Function Whatever I enjoy about 'The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover’ is what I enjoy about beatnik horror comedy A Bucket of Blood. Fine PLAYS Maxwell Brock, in fact, is sort of a benign version of Albert Spica, and Walter is Pup gaining Albert’s favor in a suitably gruesome fashion Another thing aforementioned movies have in common is a shock ending where justice is served. Walter’s stark suicide actually most unnerving Cook-Thief-Lover film is an assault on a viewer. And I was ravaged by 2 sapphic Spica wannabes & their flyblown sycophants. I still am. PTSD I suppose soundtrack to my thoughts of MUCHACHOS is roiling TCTTHWAHL closing music as glutton Albert tastes victim then dies by his own gun With vomit & cooked human flesh in his hideous devil’s mouth, Albert’s existence ends as he stares, shaking, at his victims & their avengers “Spica gets a taste of his own medicine” Nyman theme is the most unsettling piece of music I’ve ever heard. Saxophones in whirling madness 🎷 As much as I love optimistic science fiction, I lose myself in the searing voyage of scatologist Spica’s lunatic cruelty to foul last supper I’ve seen people more perverse than this unparalleled fictional psychopath gangster teach appreciation of a memorable restaurant experience🍴 I’m a sucker for a pretty face and an even bigger sucker for a perky pair of Gerber servers. Mags I grew up on, like Heavy Metal, delivered. Incredible news at doctor’s office. I can say with joy that there are good people who see the horror a sick victim of crime has gone through Mental illness doesn’t mean insanity. Some great arguments against term “mental illness”… My dr said, “You’re not crazy, you’re tortured.” And as for stereotype of the wild bipolar person… I have BD but have been told my behavior is virtually unipolar. If I joke, I’m irritated If MUCHACHOS hadn’t screwed me I’d never communicate online. Introversion is all I know. But yes I joke. Yes I care. No I don’t back down… Snow🌨️is falling, not sticking, and I am extra-medicated after a much needed new diagnosis for ANOTHER Moe-related illness. #PTSD bad enough “What the f@ck is this?” Dad said as mail to “Dee Moe” Owens came to our home. Moe’s Rich Wife, Moe, & Moe’s current Main Squeeze > 💩🐃🔭🐂🐂💩 “She promises to work on our computers, doesn’t show up. Get her on phone, her voice is groggy, in bed with that girl, on drugs. 'Wha-a-at’” HOW LONG WILL THE MOECHACHOS 'HUSTLE AND FLOW'? HOW LONG DEI

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