#living life on our own terms

[g0thsim]

187.24 / 390 (08/12/22)

[full original post]

im a trans person trying to get all her pieces of identification updated so applying to / working jobs + going to school is easier. pls send accommodating workplace energy to me <3🏳️‍⚧️♿️ tysm for rbing

ⓘ this is turning into an urgent situation so if this gets to $250 i’ll take the hit for the rest because i am out of options at this point.

ko/fi other options [carrd]

#share your dollar #trans crowdfund #maybe even less than $250 im literally looking D-7 right in the eye #bc ​i really need a job but I literally can’t emotionally go through the process without having my name match id again #i quite literally cannot go through life without my name atp #to keep my posts from being long I don’t mention it but like this is very important to my health rn bc I need a healthcard just like so many #things are on hold because I don’t have a name and I refuse spend money on passports and other expired id just to pay for it all over again #that would just put in a position to need to crowdfunded again but with a biggest goal yk #new post because despite the numbers on the og the last donation was in July #and it was a singular donation for that whole month #hehe I’ve been crying about this today :0((( like my family calling me a freeloader and going on about they were able support themselves at #18 even though our situations are so fundamentally different like you literally didn’t have to deal with the cost to live in your own body #in terms of my like they didn’t have to pay for disability aid or pay to not be deadnamed etc like

[lorephobic]

idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?

#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive. #like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love #and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me #she is. the most important person in my life #and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her #like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this #if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh #what more could i ever ask for #but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right #even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be #in just over a year #when she's making enough money for it #she plans on moving into a place of her own #which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point. #but i just. don't know what i'm going to do. #and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing #i thought we were going to move into a house together #i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke #but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year. #i would still want to be here. with her. #or somewhere else. with her. #like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me. #and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t #give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted. #and she's leaving. #she doesn't want to be with me. #sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do. #for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs #its what sufjan would have wanted #fucked up terrible no good week

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

things that fill me with rage: people who spend hours and hours and hours camped out in the main central parts of the house which you need access to in peace by yourself for like 20-30 minutes just to do basic selfcare--let alone actual sanity time outside your room--every single day from before you wake up in the morning until at best the last few hours of your day, where any energy you had is gone and you're having to recover/catch back up from a day trapped in your room with no selfcare

things that fill me with enough rage to blow up the sun: people who do this and every now and then fake you out by going Somewhere the Fuck Else for literally just long enough for you to hustle out of your room--or even start to--before SIKE they come right back through and start camping A G A I N. this time while you are probably trapped outside your room until the thing is done, and/or it'll be Rude to very obviously turn around and leave to avoid them. which they WILL inevitably take offense at. 🙃🙃🙃🙃

#moogletalks #venting #like genuinely unless you are disabled in a way that makes it difficult/spoons-intensive to move from one place to another #it is ungodly fucking shitty and rude to monopolize the house for the *entire fucking day every single day* #ESPECIALLY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO EVEN SLIGHTLY JUDGE PEOPLE FOR EITHER AVOIDING YOU OR EXISTING IN YOUR LINE OF SIGHT. #straight the fuck up it is a basic basic need for most people to have a chunk of time during the day #that they can decompress and be alone and exist *out in the main areas of their house* #people act like the only place you can or should have space and time to yourself is in your own room and that is literally not true!!!! #even before you add in that a huge swath of traumatized/mentally ill/otherwise neurodivergent people need that time alone #VERY DESPERATELY #to function #both in general and because guess what they are extremely likely to be deeply traumatized by #you guessed it! #being unsafe in their own living space! #both short-term immediate instances of abuse if they're caught #and *k n o w i n g* that no matter how chill people pretend to be they are almost certainly lying to your face #while winding up to eventually lash out at you #we are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and we HAVE TO HAVE TIME ALONE. TO EXIST IN OUR HOMES. #and it is always the exact same people who do this shit that spend the entire fucking day every single day hogging the main spaces #and act like you murdered their dog in front of them and pissed on their face and demanded their entire life savings #at the single tiniest suggestion they should maybe in fact make a point of setting aside time to let other people have in the main spaces #AND they will get shitty and judgy and pissed off when YOU go fuck it #and just start trying to plan around blocks of time where they're Literally Asleep #every time someone complains about me not getting important things done that can only be done during the day #because i had to purposely ruin my sleep schedule for some goddamn peace to stretch my legs and feed myself #i get a little closer to ending up with my fucking face on the news l m f a o #i hate ableds i hate ableds i hate ableds oh my GOD #bonus points too if they're someone who can't even fucking just pick one place to spend a while in #they have to constantly move in and out of EVERY SINGLE CORNER OF THE HOUSE THAT IS NOT LITERALLY SEALED OFF TO THEM #even if you try to find some out of the way corner to hide in THEY WILL EVENTUALLY SWEEP THROUGH. PROBABLY WHILE INVADING YOUR SPACE.

[shadowedvales-a]

THINGS ARE STARTING TO COME BACK TO YOU, AND YOU'RE CURIOUS. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. › FROM ELIZABETH MARCH. @embodies

She still sensed it, the universe spinning around with no ending or beginning; the way her blood curdled a horrid gurgle, even if it no longer pumped to her brain. She haunted marble walls on silent feet. The place a fusion of malevolence and beauty, and Jane, despite her hollowed flesh and often unseeing eyes, couldn't help but find a strange sort of enticement within said walls, all perfectly draped and painted. She knew quite little of its happenings, bizarre spirits of muddled eras all sharing one patch of land; although the mind became a hazy thing due to submittance of the final years of her life, she was no fool. Isolated company was merely favoured, a lithe black cat scampering against corners, gaze finding deathly endurances but never remaining long enough to understand reasoning behind vile acts. Sitting, feeling, unthinking.

Where there was rot, there was Jane Ives. Stuck in the jaws of a hellish beast, taker of lives, but leaving the soul to crumble. Oftentimes she wondered what she was actually doing here; inner workings utterly vandalised by a madman's execution for warped world-peace. The toxicity resting in her bloodstream confused old memories, scorched her past-life: all she remembered of her mother entailed a whiff of perfume and a few phrases of a lullaby she used to sing. One day she'll uncover truths, the ugly and pure— but for now, the body only yearns for kindred consideration, perhaps something to call her own. Three decades would rear its date in a handful of months, and a spark had begun to litter in her mind's eye.

“Yes. I am curious.” The very first time Jane saw Elizabeth, she was positive she had moved to a better destination; swore she bore witness to an angel welcoming her to heaven's palace. (Oh Saint Peter let me in, you must know where I've been! Won't you tell me at last who I am?) Ever quickly, the hand she wished to hold, she realised, was sharp, a creature's claw; fascination did not dwindle but fear ushered the child away. It's clear the woman saw everything happening inside her hotel, including frizzled recollections resurfacing, taunting innocence of youth and marking it for horror. “I remember... things.” Honesty possessed no hesitation, as the words spilled it felt good to speak them aloud. To relieve herself. “There is a block. A... something foggy. It stops me remembering.” Frustration threatened its course, as one might perceive through her jaw tightening, lifeless pallor nearly gaining a flash of colour.

This is your story, written and rewritten, scratched out, burned and buried. “Did I... Was I always... this?” Is it foretold that I haunt the head of a girl graced for much more than her destiny provided? Chin cants, shoulders purposely squared like trying to light a guise of confidence. “Bee - cause I do not think I was always in this place.”

#⅋. [ ✦ ] ﹕ we are all just prisoners here of our own device ‚ american horror story: hotel . #embodies. #okay okay okay i gotta properly write this verse up but!! #in very simple terms: terry dies. brenner is actually a relation of jane (terry's half-brother or a distant kind of sibling relationship.) #so when terry dies jane is sent to live w him. jane is around seven at the time. #brenner is a surgeon who dedicated his life trying to come up with vaccines for diseases such as cancer and polio. #he felt that animal testing didn't give him accurate results. #so as soon as he got custody of jane. she became the subject of his experiments. #he was once a well acclaimed doctor but over the years became obsessed with trying to find cures for these diseases and his methods became #very. very unethical. so he was eventually fired from his job etc etc did his own animal testing. #jane is submitted to a range of testing and grows very weak and frail because of it. #brenner believes he finally makes a breakthrough. but knows it could kill jane and doesn't want any evidence of her left in / near #his house. so he books a room at the hotel (where so much shady shit happens anyway) and conducts his experiment. she does die and #brenner flees the scene. and in doing so makes it look like jane had an overdose. he booked the room under her name too. #he was very prepared for her dying and made it all look really nice and neat. an easy case for any cops to solve. #a ratty. skinny little girl who probably had no chance in life. her oversized clothes / short hair / grubby face indicated homelessness. #so there's not a lot of investigation. #so! yeah. they are the basics <333 #if u dont vibe with it though we can totally plot out something together if you like! #also jane doesnt remember much of her past life for the first thirty years or so of being in the hotel! the countless drugs used and #implemented into her body makes her head incredibly fuzzy. #especially because it's how she died. her brain just. stays in that fuzzy mindset for a long time. #but she does eventually begin to remember. it just takes a while!

[cozycorewitch]

constantly torn between saying fuck it and posting my personal feelings and thoughts on tumblr dot com again because it sometimes helped me to feel better about shit and never letting anyone know I have feelings ever again lmao

#ive lost so many people in my life over the last couple years #like they died #they didnt just leave #and it makes it especially difficult to have somebody that is no longer in my life #but is very much alive and out there in the world #who i miss very much and still care a lot about #and just...not be able to do anything about it #there are so many people who i miss with my whole heart who are forever out of my reach #because they passed away #and then theres another whos alive but the circumstances of our lives and the complications in our relationship #mean that theyre basically as unreachable as the dead are to me #idk grieving the loss of the living is its own kind of pain i guess #and its so much harder to accept and come to terms with #because theyre here. they arent unreachable. but they are #anyways tag rambling over #goodnight #p #hiding the shit that i wanted to say in a post here in the tags instead lmao #probably gonna delete this later #always delete shit like this

[pussy-ache]

thinking about how my sister just got engaged at 27 to her first boyfriend ever and i just don’t have a good feeling about it

#i mean i’m not talking to her right now lmao. i did not even say congrats #but i’m still her older sister and i don’t believe she really has experienced enough of the world and of love itself to be tied down #at least in that way — technically speaking she’s already ‘’tied down’’ being in a long term committed relationship #but like. i know she thinks my mom had us when she was ‘’too old’’ #my mom had me at 35 and my sister at 38 #my sister criticizes my mother for that and has made comments throughout the years about how her friends mothers are all so much younger #meanwhile my mother lived an EXPANSIVE life in hers 20s and early 30s #she went out outward bound trips with hippy dippy granola eating fucks and camped out for months on end #she jumped out of planes and paraglided and rode motorcycles #she was a huge pothead and spent so much time at the beach studying tide pools and looking for horseshoe crabs #she even metal detected after storms to see if she could find unique lost beautiful jewelery and other items that were lost at sea #she was a PERSON and without those experiences would NOT have been our mother #i’ve explained this to my sister dozens of times over — your opinion of our moms age is based upon you not seeing her as a PERSON w/ a LIFE #and she does not care. she still believes my mom was ‘’too old’’ which is a ridiculous argument because having kids in your 30s is NOT. OLD #like even outside of my opinion of our moms life. my sister is literally just wrong across the board because 30s is NORMAL #she frustrates me to no end because our ‘’differences of opinion’’ are actually REALLY big differences like. stop dehumanizing our mom….? #so truly. honestly. this is just a big push to ‘’not end up like’’ our mom so she’s getting married earlier and will have kids earlier #now in my own right i don’t want to ‘’end up like’’ my mom either — ie in a marriage that is unfulfilling with a man who bosses her around #but the difference between her opinion of ‘’not ending up’’ like her is she blame MOM for everything #meanwhile in MY example i blame my father for being a piece of shit to our mother and vowed i would never be in that situation myself period #but that’s not putting blame on my mother. that’s me seeing my mother as a VICTIM of injustice and misogyny #meanwhile my sister just sees my moms decisions as a ‘’problem’’ to be ‘’fixed’’ #meanwhile i am consistently reminding myself that while my mother loves her children very much… #she inherently had to LOSE herself in order to have us and fashion a new version of herself - the ‘’mom’’ version to replace her real self #my sister doesn’t care to talk to our mom about the intricacies that come with all of this. i do. quite often actually. #my moms rule was that she was not getting married before 30. period. #the first thing i said when my mom told me my sister was engaged was #‘’i don’t even believe someone should get married period. but especially not before 30’’ #she agreed. because she TAUGHT us that! she TAUGHT us the importance of finding yourself before anything else #but my sister in her race to ‘’not be like’’ our mom is missing out on turning into a wonderful person for it?

[nomaishuttle]

sry 4 being a girl with a special interest in death I just think maybe everybody should have more healthy exposure to death and maybe then wed all be a lot more normal about everything

#basically i think the fact that getting dead bodies out of view As quickly as possible has rly rly rly fucked up our relationship withdeath #i am not at all saying we should just leave bodies in the streets lol but like. i wish it was still commonplace to Care for the body in the #home. yk. obviously this is also a consequence of embalming culture and its all a consequence of the fear of decay. bc we want to think #that even when we die well Live on and we want to thjnk dying is a like. form of immortality..you die and then youre sterile and you stay #the same. and we treat decay like an offense Basically. instead of acknowledging that even though your body js dead there is soo #much life in yr body after you die. yk. i think basically that ppl should allow death 2 just like. be death. and acknowledge that things #change.. ik it isnt rly possible (in some states its illegal to keep the body in the home for more than like. an hour after death iirc) #i just rly rly wish ppl were allowed to be with the body and to take care of it bc i think thats always been SUCH an important part of the #grieving process. it helps you acknowledge that theyre gone and to send them off on your own terms #this is word vomit basically im crazy.

[dirtytransmasc]

(personal vent about my sack of shit father ruining christmas again)

me, my fathers only "daughter"/child:

helps my grandmother for weeks to prepare for his christmas party that neither of us wanted (he goes way over the top. invites his friends that are all loud drunks. cooks food we don't like. keeps the whole house up partying into the early hours of the morning. makes a mess and refuses to clean up after himself. doesn't spend time with us and instead hangs out with his friends, even for family holidays and events. etc.

me and my grandmother are disabled, constantly in pain/have stomach issues, and generally just want to be left on our own for holidays, so the whole event is just awful for us)

has been up since 6* in the morning, continuing to prepare for his party so he doesn't throw a hissy fit, running on only a few hours of sleep*, running around from store to store, cleaning, cooking, decoaring, etc.

spends hours trying to wake him up.

after doing everything I am capable of skill/strength wise, I took a two hour power nap before guests come.

helps serve dinner, makes drinks, fulfills every task my father gives me to maintain the delicate peace in the household, cause my grandmother wants to murder him*.

does all of this with no complaint.

my father:

promises his full and undivided attention and help the day before the party (this is the only day he's offered the slightest help outside of making a huge dinner no one but he and his friends wanted), he then breaks this promise, does nothing, delegates every task my grandmother has given him to me, and then leaves at 6 at night to go party, ignoring the amount of cooking he needs to finish.

doesn't come home for almost 12 hours (he came home at 6am), waking me up*, sleeps till 1, leaving me and my gradnmother do 90% of the things that needed to be done today (as his guests are coming at 4).

invites more friends than he originally told us about, ditching us after dinner (which we served) to go hang out outside and blast music so loud it shakes the house.

and then complains that I "slept all day" and "did nothing" so now I need to clean the whole kitchen and all the dishes of over 15 guests, not him, the reason there's such a mess to clean.

he continues to demand this even after something he cooks, knowing I hate it and it makes me feel ill, and stinks up the whole kitchen, making me go lie down because it made me nauseous and gave me a migraine.

I then get to spend the rest of my christmas eve cleaning, doing dishes, while barely holding back tears.

thanks dad, for ruining an already awful christmas, you fucking asshole.

#he does this shit all the time #one year he forget his mothers birthday. almost forgot mothers day. and threw a party “for her” that was just excuse to trash her house wit #his friends and we were both miserable. he made us clean and serve people and made food we don't like #I'm still fucking pissed about it #he also ruined my last christmas with my grandfather before he passed. so. I have a grudge to say the fucking least. #me and my grandmother are his personal servants and we can't do anything about it if we want to know peace #cause he's a fucking piece of shit #he does this with everything. he used to make my grandmother clean up after him. now he makes me do it #please. whatever god is out there. give me the financial stability to move out and live on my own. I can't keep doing this shit #actually. god. make him move out. let me and my grandmother stay in our family home. just get him to fuck off. #he's the biggest hypocrite. do-nothing. asshole and I hate him #personal vent #fuck my dad #biggest mistake my father made in terms of raising me was not leaving. instead he just ruined every aspect of my life and made me miserable #can't even escape him as an adult

[cyberneticdryad]

WOW i have time to have a life with this dental receptionist job without feeling completwly burnt out and it is still blowing my mind

#dryad speaks #i rly need a raise to be in this position long term but holy shit is this what a work life balance is?? #my dad has always made work out to be this endless grind demanding your whole life #and i knew there had to be a different way!! #but holy shit i was starting to think i would never find it #and my partner started a new job last month too!! #so we can finally look into moving for realsies!! #we were both so nervous about moving in i don't regret living in this house with others #but i am so so ready to have our own space and nest

[hobisexually]

x

#hi I am back with a long tag post about how I can’t keep up with life #very boring 30 year old stuff that I am struggling with very much and isn’t interesting to anyone #but I just put on my hobi playlist to feel better and instead sobbed so hard to just dance (which is a very happy song I don’t even enjoy) #that my pillow is soaked through so obviously sleep isn’t gonna happen until I get this out somewhere #so first. get this. one of my best and longest friends gets engaged and lets 1.5 months go by before she bothers to tell me #in front of four other friends who are decidedly less close to her but we all found out simultaneously. #Bad enough. you get confronted with the fleetingness of life and friendships and how everything changes even when you don’t want it to. #then. you talk it out. another friend’s dad just died. another one just bought a house and is moving away #engaged friend comes by again? And suddenly says she’s gonna get try to pregnant within the remainder of the year #and suddenly I’m hit with the fact that our friendship will never be TBE same and the life I thought we would live together is just not #gonna line up? We’re not gonna hit the clubs we’re not gonna go on adventures we’re not gonna paint the town red now that I’m a little bit #more chill re: covid. All of that? Gone. i thought I could make up for all of it but all my friends are in stages I’m not in #and with kids neber will be in? i won’t have a kid. i knew this but I didn’t /know/ this I won’t be able to follow #I’ll be aunt amber and I’ll love all their kids to the moon and back but I won’t follow. i know I don’t want kids #but I don’t think I thought about it before. what that would mean in relation to others #and I also just pictured myself with my own baby and though I don’t want it I never envisioned it and now I can’t stop crying #over the fact that I won’t have a baby. And it’s by choice yes but it doesn’t make it easy???????? #I’m suddenly saying goodbye to a life I’m closing the door on and that’s. terrifying #and I’m so. so scared I’ll end up all alone and never find love or fulfilment #30 is great in terms of feeling calmer and knowing what you want bht this whole ………. this whole thing? #i HATE it I HATE it I can’t stop crying and I’m panicking I HATE IT #FUCK. CHANGE TRULY FUCK IT ALL #and FUCK everything the last two years have taken away from me and how low I was because of it and how hard my friendships got because of it #can I STOP crying now that would be GREAT

[king-minyard]

the way it's canon that Rhysand is 28 years older than Tamlin has me cracking up

#acotar #a court of thorns and roses #sarah j maas #tamlin poking fun at him for being a cradle robber and a decrepit old man #rhysand saying shit like 'when i was your age-' and 'respect your elders!' #tamsand #it's all fun and games until you remember that the canon couple has a FIVE HUNDRED YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE #with tamsand it's a joke because for all intents and purposes both of them are consenting adults when they become friends #in fae terms they're both equally young - what's 20 years difference when you're going to live for a millennia more? #they're both trained warriors at this point and although rhysand has more lived experience on and off the battlefield #it doesn't make a meaningful difference in their respective statuses as adults #remember that the main issue in age difference pairings is a power imbalance that's directly tied to their agency #in our universe someone who is 23 might already have a stable job and live alone whereas someone who is 18 is fresh out of highschool #and that's with a five year age difference #the reason it's not a good relationship is because there is an imbalance of power and life experience as an adult #the same age difference is no longer meaningful when you remove it from that context: #say 38 and 43 #these are adults who have been adults longer than they've been kids and they have that life experience #at this point you can widen the gap and still (usually) be fine - they've already established their sense of self #so in the case of tamlin and rhysand they're both warriors and leaders in their own rights #whereas in the case of feyre and tamlin or feyre and rhysand... well. #mine

[comeingtotermssys]

speaking about systen shit in medical terms gives us anxiety, not because we don't fit the criteria or are doubting our system, but because it makes it seem so much more serious

which it is. i just like being able to forget that its horribly serious all the time, i like doing fun things with headmates

watching movies and drawing and whatnot ^^

idk this is mainly why we try to stay away from things like syscourse. makes everything so serious and terrible sounding

#our way. or my way to cope with things is to remind myself that not everything has to be in medical terms all of the time #i can live my life without needing to go 'ah yes this is because i am an ep and am protecting our anp and i am only a truama response' #idk. #we used to be in a lot of endo spaces because endos explain plurality in a way that makes sense to me #i dont mean like 'making alters' or 'not having truama' just the going off of feelings and experiences vs ridgid medical papers #because experiences tell you that the person went through that and is still okay ? #that they can still live and be happy #but medical papers are important. they are needed and they explain why whats going on is going on #endos will say you are your own person and you are your source because thats what you want to hear #not what you need to #im getting better at learning that i should listen to things based on what reality and what is better for me and my headmates #not based on what i want to hear to comfort me #because i wish we didnt have this disorder #i wish i was faking. #i wish i was endo and could just stop having alters when i didnt want them anymore #itd be better than living like this daily. our system isnt something i can ignore or stop having #and the truth is i dont want it #but i am forever stuck with it. it will never go away. integration isnt a route were willing to take. #this will never get better. we will only learn to cope #🌸 #system shit #vent

[cats-in-the-clouds]

my sister got engaged and we’re all really happy for her but my bitter rain cloud of a dad (who naturally she told last) is giving her a bit of passive aggressive grief about it despite her boyfriend being like the best man of our generation (presumably either because he’s not catholic or because my dad sees them as young dumb unemployed people who aren’t ready for marriage or because he’s mad he barely has any real love with his own wife or something). so like pray for us? i wish i knew what to do

#if my dad had any brain cells or observational skills whatsoever #he’d realize that in terms of our faith the problem is not the boyfriend. that guy is brilliant and open minded and would probably ace RCIA #the problem is my sister. who is catholic in name but it’s clear to me how hard she’s fallen away from the faith #but like my dad has created such a bitter home environment we never have meaningful conversations with him #so like he doesn’t know *anything* about our inner lives #all he sees is labels. all he judges people by is labels #literally you can still get married in the church to a non catholic it’s just a matter of expecting them to convert eventually #and promising to still live according to the principles of the church and raising your children as such #but my parents are absolute fools if they think that’s the issue. if my sister was true in her faith her bf would have converted already #i am sure of it. the guy is smart he just needs to be guided the right way #evidently my parents don’t realize that about him either #if my dad could become a decent parent for once and stop trying to drive his kids away from the faith by only cherrypicking the parts of it #that intersected with republican/conservative boomerisms #ugh. if he was a virtuous father she’d be a virtuous daughter and therefore all her friends and loved ones would be virtuous as well #should i blame my dad for all our family problems? no.. not rightfully…… #but like. the impact a father has on one’s life cannot be understated #ugh i’ve had the sense for a while that God wants me to be the one to fix this family #because looking around it doesn’t look like anyone else is gonna do it #but that’s such a daunting task… especially alone… i don’t have any true friends (ie who share both my faith and life experiences) #and like. it’s really hard to try to assume the role of a teacher or counselor when someone is older than you #or uh. in a position of direct power over you for that matter. esp when clearly deeply mentally ill #the concept of trying to essentially parent my own parent while i myself am miserable and unstable #esp when he is the primary cause of that #just. ughhhhh it’s such a vicious circle #like i’ll do this if i have to i’ll undertake that daunting mission but i have to be so careful and really sort myself out first #or for that matter if i were to volunteer to like. catechize my sister’s boyfriend (heaven knows she couldn’t do it) #i’d have to really study my stuff bc i think the intellect is the only real appeal here #like i said tho his conversion can probably never really happen as long as my sister remains the way she is #what i know is that the first step is fixing myself. i have to be a pillar of virtue if i wanna stand as any sort of authority on the faith #problem is i suck and shouldn’t be regarded as a role model for anything. i have the knowledge down but that alone won’t fix me

[seventh-district]

.

#cw vent post #cw vent #vent #vent post #Seven’s Public Diary #cw alcohol #cw alcoholism #cw alchohol mention #cw negative #yeah no go ahead and spend half of our monthly income on alcohol! it’s fine!!! #i’ll be the responsible one and make the sacrifices and pay the bills and cut costs in every other aspect #and i’ll pull from my savings again and again to keep you from putting us in the fucking hole every month #and i’ll pay for your expensive groceries and i’ll come home and cook them and you’ll criticize the way it turns out #and i’ll wash your dirty dishes and i’ll do the laundry and you’ll get mad about all the fucking ‘noise’ im making #as i walk on eggshells to not fucking disturb you. and i’ll do all the paperwork and handle the finances and go to the bank #and i’ll write your dumbass a perfectly itemized list of our spending so you can look at it and complain #about the cost of feeding a 13lb dog while you waste 15 times that amount every day on alcohol #and i’ll eat my 1-dollar beans and rice and drink my water and watch you drop your beer and bitch that someone needs to clean the floor #and i’ll pick you up and i’ll take you to bed and i’ll clean the messes you make so tomorrow you can forget and act like nothing happened #and i will do all of it while stone cold fucking sober because i’m stronger than you ever will be #i’ll take up the mantle and sift through the wreckage of your lives. i’ll take it all on because there is no one else here to do it. #don’t even fucking worry about it. it’s fine. i’ll handle it all so you can get absolutely wasted every single day to escape #it’s fine. this is always how it was gonna be. this is the hand you dealt me. #just get out of my way and let me handle it because i’m the only one here that’s strong enough to face life on its own terms #just go pass out in bed and i’ll go out and face this ‘real world’ you keep going on about #because i know more about it than you ever will.

[the-cooler-king]

Oh yeah..... midnight gospel be hitting.... sitting in my bed fuckin. Crying. Get a grip girl

#Its the trudy ep which is actually the episode that made me keep watching #I love love love this episode..... #Something about how.......... idk.... its a very profound ep that I can't explain and it's a nice cry #This ep kind of shaped my outlook on life especially after finding out about my friend dying #All the regrets and things left unsaid.... I make my peace daily by being really straight up #If I love and care about ppl I tell them... I say they are appreciated and cared for man #I am always thankful for people and I *love* people as a whole #And as long as the people around me intrinsically know that they are loved and cared for and cherished.... like that's it #That's the end game truly #I will never ever be sorry for that. This was THEEEE episode. #There's a lot of nuance behind my feelings best described by revolutionary girl utena #But still. I'm deep enough in my tags bc I'm crying over my s/o but not in a bad way #Fml I am so grateful to him as just an entity. As a person in my life even if our lives only intersect for this brief period of time #He hasn't been texting me much and we didn't talk much at work and I didn't even get a goodbye (rude lol) #But I know he was having a rough day. I know he needs a bit of tlc. #He could be on a downswing because I am certainly on an upswing #So I'm kind of like trying to focus on doing my own thing rn without worrying about it #Because I can't do anything about it so I might as well continue My Thang #But as I sometimes come to terms with us never talking again (gotta be prepared at all times to be ghosted) #I also come back to terms with needing him to really understand #how many people in his life depend on love cherish and admire him #And im not just talking about me... he has a lot of siblings and a not great mom. Two kids he loves. #He has always taken care of everyone else in his life #He deserves to really know and idk. It makes me think of this moment. #Realizing how much I dont ever want to question if he knows #I don't want to question if I could've done more or tried harder etc. I did my very best and didn't lie cheat steal or whatever #I am so grateful to him for letting me have that. Even if nothing can come from it in the end #Even if we should be torn apart!!!! Take my revolution!!! #Anyways. Here's wonderwall #Banger of an episode. Worth the rewatch

[ajaxdishsoap]

Jesus did not say that every time we rebuke or abuse the poor and down-trodden we're rebuking and abusing Him for Christians to put conditions on their aid for people

#no one cares about this but i'm mad at the modern church #modern christianity is so removed from its roots (at least in the west idk abt other areas) that they should feel ashamed of themselves #we were PERSECUTED and we LIVED LIFE AND HELPED OTHERS ANYWAY #HOW HAVE WE FORGOTTEN OUR OWN HISTORY AND FALLEN.SO FAR FROM THE COMMANDS OF THE GOD WE SAY WE SERVE #also i'm seething over how modern 'mission trips' are done #your only job was to help people with no strings and tell them 'hey Jesus loves you- He died on the cross and was ressurected three days- #-later' and then bada bing bada boom job done #why are you out here with a longer terms and conditions list attached to your aid than a modern mmorpg #Jesus help us #i love the church so much and i am so so disappointed #what happened to 'in the world but not of it' #what happened to 'it's not the healthy that need a doctor' #WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERY TEACHING OF JESUS #WE ARE NOT EXEMPT BECAUSE WE'RE A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS REMOVED FROM WHEN HE WALKED THE EARTH #ALSO????????? THE ONLY WAY SOMEONE CAN SAY AND BELIEVE 'JESUS IS LORD' IS BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT #NOT COERCION #okay #i'm done #for now