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shadowofthemoth · 5 years

Note

Okay; idk if giù want just a prompt or a ship to go with it too, but maybe Escalawrence - fernweh? Or Bentycutio - frisson

Thank you so much for this delightful prompt! 😘 I picked the first option (of course I did, ah duh, you’re probably not surprised), and so here we goooo!

Note 1: I am using the Italian spelling of Friar Lawrence’s name, Lorenzo, to match it to the Prince’s name, Bartolomeo, and also because I am more comfortable calling him that way.

Note 2: click on the title to go read this fic on AO3!

“Wish For You”

“I wish I could just leave.” The friar blinked, tearing his gaze away from the fire crackling in the fireplace, and turned to the Prince, not really surprised by what he had just heard. When it became clear that no explanation would follow, he sighed and leaned forward, reaching out towards Escalus and gently taking his free hand in his. “And what exactly do you mean by that?” he prompted.

The Prince mirrored his sigh, setting his wine aside on the small table next to a mostly empty bottle and Lorenzo’s cup, and pinched the bridge of his nose with a wince. “Nothing. Nothing, really.” “You’re a bit like an oyster, you know? Snapping shut whenever it seems that someone might accidentally get too close.” Escalus hummed in agreement, “So I have been told.” “Well, you don’t have to be.” Lorenzo brought the Prince’s hand to his lips, the familiar feeling of hot breath against cold skin making Escalus shiver just like it always did, and lifted his gaze to look in his lover’s face. “At least not here and not now.” “I know. I’m just… formulating.” The Prince dragged a free hand through his graying hair and finally relaxed his posture, sinking into the depth of his favourite armchair. Now he, in his silvery black attire, seemed to Lorenzo like a darker shadow in the shadows of the room, with only his skin glowing softly in the uneven firelight. His voice grew slightly pensive. “I love Verona. I was born here, I grew up here, my family has ruled this city for years; I know it from the inside and from the outside, I have learned its inner workings, and I try my best to make my city better. Not only because I must, but also because I want to.” He paused, then added almost as an afterthought, “though I am no longer sure I can… oh well, that’s beside the point.” “You can and you do,” Lorenzo argued, squeezing his hand reassuringly, and the Prince’s firm lips formed a weak smile. “Maybe. I don’t know. But there’s one thing I really can’t do, even though I want to.” “Leave?..” “Yes, dear friend. I can’t leave. Only for a short period of time, and only if my political affairs demand that I go elsewhere… and then I must go back, and that’s the end of it. But I’ve had enough wars and conquests already.” Escalus frowned, unconsciously rubbing at his left arm, just above the elbow, where a long ugly scar was hidden beneath the layers of expensive fabric; and Lorenzo made a mental note to himself to dig out one of his healing balms. He remembered that scar well - just as well as all other scars on the Prince’s body; he remembered them with his eyes, and his hands, and his lips. They were not many, those scars, but they spoke to Lorenzo of bloody battles, painful wounds, and countless feverish hours of recovery. He remembered which of them troubled Escalus, especially when the weather was chill, and knew how to make it better, putting his experience in healing to use. Meanwhile, Escalus continued, “And a peaceful visit to the Duke of Mantua or some other ruler is not much better than a war against them… don’t tell anyone I said so.” Lorenzo huffed a laugh, surprised by his lover’s unexpected admission. “Are they that bad?” The Prince smiled again, this time with a hint of amusement in his expression. “Oh no; just boring. Politics and business, that is all there is to my life, as well as theirs. To me personally, it is boring. But in general…” he made a vague gesture that could mean anything. “They are all good leaders and honourable men, though some less so than others; but that’s inevitable. None of them are perfect, but neither am I. None of us are saints, and those who possess power don’t have the slightest chance to even try to become such. Power and perfection… It is a contradiction in itself, dear friend.” “Oh Bartolomeo… Would that I could change your mind about that.” Escalus raised an eyebrow, leaning forward a bit. “Then… tell me: what think you of me as a ruler?” He didn’t seem to be seeking affirmation or approval, Lorenzo noted, even though his question seemed to indicate otherwise; but what Escalus was driving at was still a mystery to him. Lorenzo looked into his eyes, momentarily transfixed by the warm light shining in them - was that the reflection of the flames in the fireplace, or was that something else? - but quickly recovered his composure and nodded. “There is a lot to say in response to this, Bartolomeo, you know it. You’re a born leader, dear friend; Verona prospers, and the peace between us and other cities has never been so sound as it is now. And all of that is due to your efforts.” “Verona prospers…” Escalus echoed, shaking his head. “Oh, dearest friend. She prospers like a rich woman, dressed in finest robes but suffering from severe pains inside her fragile body; and I have no power over her pain, just like one man’s head has no power over the ache in another’s stomach. I have run out of remedies that could stop the disease. It needs a different physician and a different treatment, which I can’t provide.”

Lorenzo winced at the bitterness in Bartolomeo’s voice and could only run his fingertips tenderly over his hand in response to his words. He knew his lover’s sorrow well, he knew how much work the Prince was putting into stabilizing the situation in his city, torn by feud and soaked in blood… and how little it seemed to help. If only he could do something…

“You do what you can. And if it is not enough, then it is hardly your fault, my liege. My love. My Bartolomeo.” The Prince drew a shuddering breath and bent his head to press a grateful kiss to Lorenzo’s hands clasping his own. He then straightened up and smiled at Lorenzo with incredible warmth. “I do not know what I have done to deserve your kindness, dear friend, but I am eternally grateful to have you here with me.”

That smile… oh, that genuine, happy, beloved smile. It was a rare sight, and there were not too many people who got to see it; most were used to a stern gaze, a sharp gesture, a sombre expression… the Prince of Verona guarded his emotions well. But the rarer the sight, the dearer it was to Lorenzo. The friar could not explain what it was about the Prince’s smile that made his heart flutter and melt so easily; but then again, he would probably also be unable to explain how he had ended up loving the man in the first place, if asked. Not that it any longer mattered.

“You never answered my question though,” he reminded gently. “You said you wanted to leave Verona?..”

“Ah yes. I beg your forgiveness; my own thoughts led me astray. Yes, I said so, and I meant what I said. I am… tired, Lorenzo,” Escalus had never complained before, and so his wistful honesty surprised the friar a bit more than it probably should have done. “It is not even the fact that I stay here all the time that is daunting; it is the knowledge that I will never leave. Not even after death will I leave Verona’s beloved walls. I will be buried next to my ancestors, and then my kin will be buried next to me… All will be as it should be, and it is a good thing. But,” the Prince turned away to stare into the flames, pressing the tips of his fingers together, “some people are born with a strange innate need to see new places, and they are never content with their lives until they are on the road. This, too, is probably a good thing. Except it is not, not for those who can’t go to see those places. Some don’t have enough money, some have to remain with their families… and so they stay, and in their sleep they dream of faraway lands they will never see. And then they wake up to live their daily lives in a place they have known since birth, the place that will house their remains after their death… the only place they get to know.”

“You’ve never spoken of this before…” Lorenzo had moved closer at some point and was now half-perched on, half-leaning against the armrest of Bartolomeo’s seat. “You’ve never shown that you…”

“That I am not so different from my crazy, foolish daydreamer of an heir after all?” Escalus joked with a laugh. “Well, we are related, aren’t we? The only difference is…” his tone suddenly lost all the mirth, “that my nephew can say and do things openly, while I…” Escalus let his voice trail away, leaving the rest of the phrase unsaid.

Both men fell silent for a moment, Bartolomeo deep in thought, Lorenzo waiting for him to continue; for he felt there still was something weighing on his lover’s mind.

“Maybe I am too soft with him,” suddenly added Bartolomeo. “But I cannot be otherwise. He is sixteen now; I was his age when I first led my father’s men into battle. Oh, I was a good condottiero. Not a single lost battle. You know why? Because I hated war. I still do. The absence of war doesn’t mean peace, and you, living in Verona, you know what I mean. But at least there are no conflicts between Verona and other cities now, all because I am good at war. And at politics. But I hate politics, too. I am really good at things I hate. Wars, and treaties, and trade, and law, and dishonesty - all of these are things a proper ruler must be good at. No one had asked me if I wanted it or not, and I am what I must be, not what I want to be. I am not regretting it. But I can’t bring myself to do the same to Mercutio.”

Lorenzo could have argued; he could have stated the obvious and said that most people usually ended up being what they had to be, not what they wanted to be; that Escalus was not the only one. He didn’t. He only shifted a bit closer.

Escalus shot him a strange look, then reached for his half-empty cup, shaking his head to throw back a loose strand of hair falling on his forehead. “It’s ironic, really,” he twisted the cup to make the wine swirl. “I bet if I start hating travelling I will immediately be presented with hundreds of opportunities to travel. And if I stop wanting to end that damned feud then I will immediately see numerous ways to end it once and for all. Stop wishing for something and you will get it, is that how everyone’s lives work?”

“Don’t you hate the feud though?” Lorenzo pointed out sensibly.

“I do. And apparently, which is, to think of it, quite logical, I am good at not stopping it. But,” Escalus turned back to the friar, surprisingly looking a bit sheepish, “that’s not what I was going to talk about. I probably shouldn’t have drunk as much wine as I did, dear friend; it loosened my tongue and tangled my thoughts. Please do forgive me for not making much sense tonight.”

“You’ve been making perfect sense… up until now. What should I forgive you for, your honesty?” Lorenzo carefully pried the cup out of his pliant hand and set it back on the table, then put an arm around his lover. “There is no need for you to be tense and reserved all the time. One evening of relaxation and honesty could do you a lot of good, and wine is a good way to achieve it.”

“You sound like a physician,” huffed Escalus. He was now leaning against Lorenzo’s side, nuzzling into the soft creases of his robe. The friar was not so sure whether he was doing it unconsciously or just pretending to be unaware of his own actions, but couldn’t help but smile at the catlike gesture and resisted the urge to scratch the tired Prince behind the ears.

“I could be one,” he agreed instead. “I know how to heal wounds and treat illnesses.”

“I am not ill.”

“And I thank God for that. But you know what, there was something you said a minute ago… A question. I never answered it.”

Escalus looked up at him, intrigued. “So?’

“You said something like…” Lorenzo frowned, thinking. “Oh yes. ‘Stop wishing for something and you will get it, is that how everyone’s lives work?’ Did I get that right?”

“You did,” nodded the Prince. “Though that was more rhetorical, I wasn’t really expecting you to answer that.”

“Nevertheless. Bartolomeo,” the friar tenderly caressed his cheeks with his thumbs. “My liege, my friend, my impossible love. I never stopped wishing for you.”

This time Escalus remained silent. But the soft smile that spread slowly across his noble features, the warm glow that settled in his eyes, and the firm embrace he drew his lover into spoke volumes. They spoke of affection, and of love, and of gratitude; it was a thank you for giving me not only empty hope but a base for that hope, too; it was a thank you for being there for me; it was a quiet, wordless I love you.

Maybe wishes could come true after all?..

#I apologise for all misprints because I've surely missed some (many) of them when editing #I just hope it is not too amful a text and that you will like it at least a little bit #anyway I beg you to tell me what you think of it #I feel very awkward about it really #but finally I can present my first escalawrence fic to the fandom #please meet my favourite aDORKable couple guys!#escalawrence #Prince Escalus #Friar Lawrence #shadowofthemoth is writing #fanfiction #retj #musicals #team-mom-wannabe

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ikonislife · 6 years

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My Professor 7

-Hanbin x Reader (Professor!Hanbin)

-1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

-It was universally known that friend with benefit between best friends would be a chaotic ride from the start till the heartbreak of either one or both party. No one says anything about being in one with your dear professor…

-Rated M for language, mention of sex (secretly rated B for bullshit 😏)

The past few weeks, to say it was a whirlwind of emotions and deceits was to say the least. You and him, hearts golden with the purest of desires yet in this tainted world you both had built and the poisonous net woven from lies in which you both share, somewhere along those blurred lines of lust and anger, the wondrous feeling of being love was lost. Even now as you lay in his arms, warm breath tickling your messy locks and heart swell from the gentle protective hold around your waist, a bitterness biting at the edge of your happiness.

Despite the happy reunion a mere day ago, there were so much left unsaid, much more said and done. You were twirling down a dangerous path, a habitual path of blinding happiness shrouding you both in an indifferent to the world surrounding you, to the potential problems and threats that could shatter everything yet neither of you were willing to address. Sometimes, ignorant isn’t bliss and you learned that the hard way. There was, still is so much you don’t know about the wonderful man laying right beside you and although to a lesser degree, you’d ponder a guess that he knows next to nothing about the you outside of the late nights and school work. “You’re over thinking again.” As shock as you are with the sudden intrusion of the all too familiar rasp of his morning voice, you’re glad… Glad that once more what greet you when day break isn’t the dreadfulness of bearing through another day watching Hanbin be happy with someone else. He’s here, he’s right beside you and for all that matter in the world, he’s yours. “I’m not…” You whine in denial but judging by the giggle croaking from his dry throat, Hanbin isn’t buying it. “I think I’m qualify to definitively say when my girlfriend is over thinking by now, all just by hearing your sighs. Come on, love. Even if I seems like a bumbling idiot head over heels for you all the time, I pay attention enough.” Soft hand tugging at your shoulder, Hanbin wants nothing more than to have a good look at the face he has only had the pleasure to meet in his dreams the past few weeks. To hear you, to feel you under his arms and now, to see you… There’s nothing quite like these moments to make his heart swell thousand times over. The way you’re staring at him, even with the uneasiness rising from your sorrowful sighs, Hanbin wouldn’t trade this moment for anything in the world.

“Are you not happy? Did I do something to make you regret… this?” His words sour as they leave his lips, but it was necessary. After all, had he been honest with you the entire time, all the heartbreak could’ve been avoided and by the way your eyes softening, the way you’re so intimately pushing closer to his chest, Hanbin has a feeling you feel the same. “No, nothing like that. I swear. It’s just, everything happened so fast and I just couldn’t help but think… Feel like we’re missing something.” “Is this going to make me cry again? Because I think I’d much rather spend my morning kissing you.” An unexpected need to cage you in his arms, to hold you so tight it’s borderline torture surges through his chest as Hanbin pulls you close, fingers carding so delightfully through your hair as if knowing this will ease the tension winding up so tightly in your chest. “I don’t think so, at least I hope not… Eventually.” “I like the sound of that, I think.” With your face still bury deep within the galaxy blooming within the confinement of his chest and the arms snaking around your body so lovingly, you take in a long whiff of everything that is Hanbin and let your mind wander. It sure was a crazy rollercoaster the moment your eyes had met in that barely functioning hallway of the math building. You knew from the beginning, the ironclad contract you’ve both drawn up to protect yourself from hurt was never going to work but did you ever care? There has always been something more to the physical attraction between the young professor and your naïve self, that something transcends even the most magnificent of high Hanbin had ever given you. Being here, now, you’d be lying if changing the past isn’t what your heart desire and erasing the pain isn’t what you wish for, that’d be nonsense for there are many, much less preposterous ways to get here. Yet again, had it not been for all the hardship and the lonely nights spent wishing Hanbin was caressing your hair the way he does so gently now, would you be so willing to dive right into a relationship with a man you barely knew. The distrust you had of being toy with was always unfounded not because you knew him but because of the nature of your relationship, you weren’t in one. So, for all intends and purposes, for better or worse, you really wouldn’t give this past few weeks up for anything for every pain, there’s a lesson behind it. And hopefully, Hanbin feels the same. The morning spent entangled between the sheets, but it wasn’t lost to the moans of lust but rather soft smiles and tender touches. He held you till the last seconds of the AM and well into the latter, gentle kisses fluttered its wings upon your hair then your skin. Hums of contentment would reach your ears occasionally when Hanbin found the grasp of your hand delightfully desperate or simply just when he rediscovered the happiness residing within having someone to wake up to. Soon enough the peaceful air of a lovely morning disturbed by the grumbling of his stomach and the awkward chuckles at the realization he had forgotten all about the dinner he had promised you the night before. Then again, it wasn’t as though you were in such a hurry for food because what Hanbin had to offered was much better than any substance of this world. “So, should we talk about what’s been bothering you?” Lunch safely tucked away in the confinement of his stomach, Hanbin figures, it’s as good a time as any to once and for all, dispel any doubts and properly begin this new chapter of his life. Well, before he loses all his words and control that is, not at all used to having you once again be a part of his daily life. Even just now, observing the way you sip your tea, as simple as leaning against his kitchen counter in the soft flowy dress you had insisted on wearing to hide your food baby, he’s breathless. “Before I…” You pause, wondering, fearful that he might not understand, of how this could just rip away everything wonderful you’ve had thus far with him. “Before I bring up my concerns, I just want to make clear one thing. I love you. There’s no changing that and whatever I’m about to say, none of that affects how I feel about you.” As silent settles over the room crisp with the slight breeze of autumn and warm still from the lingering sunshine of summer clinging onto its reign, Hanbin shares with you his understanding the only way he knows how, the way you had shown him. A kiss presses firmly onto your lips as your man had near teleported across the small room to reach you. Kiss after kiss, words of love muttered, lost within the softness of his lips and aggressiveness of his tongue. “But often time, the reality of what should be done and what the heart wants aren’t always the same. But regardless of the world, I love you.” “That’s all I’ve wanted. And I hope you too understand I’m so moonstruck, stupid in love with you.” “I know you do but, I need to get it off my chest this guilt…” Momentarily tearing yourself away from his hold, though that’s proving to be an impossible task for his hand so securely around your jaw, thumb petting at your cheek with that daze look in his eyes as if you’ve somehow hypnotized him. “I’ve played myself off as the victim but this whole mess, it was all on me.” “Y/n… Don’t say that.” Pain, pain floods his eyes and it only amplify the sadness within your heart “No, j-just let me.” Heavy sigh falling from your bruised lips, your dejected gaze pierces through his heart like thousand-volt lightening. A kiss to your hair before the gentle hand guide you toward the living room’s couch, and although he wants to shower you in affection, Hanbin decides perhaps it’d be best to give you space for being an overbearing boyfriend isn’t what you need right this moment. “Sometimes I feel like I’m a little psychotic, you know. I thought up of this whole crazy scenario between you and the she-devil.” “Sweetheart!” Hanbin exclaims, near falling off his seat, probably out of sheer shock rather than disagreement judging by the little grin blooming on his lips. Well whatever the reason, at least your little ploy of easing the tension so high strung throughout his body was a big success as he dives for your hands, patting them but everyone knows he’d much rather spank something else. “Sorry. Heejin. I forgot you guys are best friend and all.” “I wouldn’t go that far but go on.” Laughs and giggles gone, the air begins to thicken with all the glory of a regretful past. Chest heavy and perhaps soul even more, your path to clarity clouding before your eyes. “It was incredibly immature of me to even be mad at you to begin with. Obviously, circumstances are different now, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I was irrational with my baseless jealousy. It was in our agreement to be upfront if one of us catches feeling and that’s what I should’ve done. Instead, I looped you in this crazy goose chase, making out with Hoseok, and quite honestly, I treated you horribly. I’m sorry for that.” Through it all, you knew it wasn’t right, that you had no right treating Hanbin the way you did yet when it comes to matter of the heart, you were never the strongest. No matter how guilty you feel after the fact or how many times the word “sorry” will be uttered, the act was done. “I can’t say I was okay with what happened or that deep down, still, I’m not hurt. But I understand why you did it. I can’t even begin to count the times I’ve near lost it. Do you realize how many times I’ve had to pinch myself, take that pain as a reminder of who I am and where I was. The consequences not just on me but on you also if I were to pummel your blue hair friend? What kind of disastrous outcome would’ve play out if I couldn’t, hadn’t control myself from kissing you in front of everyone?” “But that’s just it. You and I, we-we’re on completely different playing field. Don’t you see it, Hanbin? I’m just a kid in all sense of the world. I think I understand love, but the fact of the matter is, I treat it like some high school crush bullshit. I throw a tantrum when thing doesn’t go my way and damn everyone else. But you… You suffered through it all with grace and maturity I don’t even dare dream of. And that scares me.” Your heart was no longer your own but are you really ready for that, for the biggest commitment that with just one wrong move, everyone will lose. “I fear the day when you truly see me as I am, a girl barely- No, I couldn’t be any further away from your league. I’ve always said age is just number and never before have I’ve been this wrong.” You can’t bear it, looking at the galaxies within his eyes, the way they gloss over with an unbearable sadness because Hanbin knows, he knows exactly where this conversation was heading toward. “I think we need to reevaluate our relationship, whatever this is.” “Excuse me?” You expected dejection, desperation and hell, even begging but that, that wasn’t any of the aforementioned. Your eyes tore away from the depth of the grey fabric of his couch to witness what you’ve never seen before, anger. Anger was flashing so clearly in those eyes you had come to associate with the warmth of a rainy morning spent under the cover and it’s almost unfathomable despite it being display so clearly right in front of you. “I-I…” “Whatever this is? God, Y/n, were you actually here for any of the conversation we had? Or was that just some empty shell of a person I was talking to.” He seethes, displeasure grinding through his teeth and despair frowns upon his lips. “You say you love me, but you still can’t get yourself to admit that we’re in a relationship. Boiling everything I’ve given you to ‘whatever this is. You know there used to be a time when I despised you. ‘Relationship’” A frustrating air quotation thrown up, the way he enunciates each syllable, it was almost as if derision buried deep within the slight scoff and you’re not sure what to feel. “You know I hated when you say it like that, the big R-word, as if you’re allergic to it. Is it so preposterous in your mind, a relationship between you and I? A cardinal sin? Or is it just commitment in general?” Frustration strung so high and the air that was once comforting slowly poisoning you with every breath you take. Hanbin had long gone from his seat and so was the him that had showered you in kisses and love just a few hours ago. Exasperation tearing through those soft chocolate locks as he paces about the place, trying, desperate for any sign, anything to reel him back to this absurd reality. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that… You have to understand.” “But I don’t, Y/n. I don’t know what else I can give you, what else to do to make you believe that we’re good together. I mean, if this was your goal all along, why did you even bother with giving me a slice of heaven because to never have hurt much less than to watch it being taken away.” Vexation taut on his forehead, Hanbin stares at you with all the incredulity he could muster, trying his best, doing his best to convey the desperation of his heart. “Because it’s impossible, you and I… You deserve more and right now, I don’t know if I can be more.” You’re not angry, neither are you frustrated. You didn’t expect him to understand because frankly, you don’t understand it fully yourself. It seemed so simple, forget the past and move one. Just be happy in Hanbin’s arms and look toward the future. Now, now everything seems so messed up despite his wish for you to remain by his side. “I love you and nothing would make me happier than committing to you, being in a relationship with you.” “Then why, why are you still questioning me? Questioning us?” Body thrown into the soft cushion, Hanbin winces at the void where sunshine once was in your despondent gaze. Hands softly grazing against the bare skin of your arms, one kiss then two softly conveying his neediness, the desperation being worn so precariously on his sleeves for you to look at him the same way, with the same wonder filled eyes you had just the night before. “Because we don’t match. How many times do I have to say it.” A voice you didn’t realize was within your soul reaches up, forcing its way out of your lips and before you could stop it, rears its ugly head toward the man you’d much rather whisper sweet nothing to. “I don’t know who’ve burn you in the past but I’m not him, get that right.” Hanbin, the mysterious air shrouding your man was something you simply ignored but now, there’s no denying the fact that beneath those kind eyes and soft smile, those mesmerizing dimples, another side of him exist and it’s not the one you affectionately refer to as “daddy”. He’s complex, smoother than well-aged whiskey yet there’s no denying the rough edges of the bitterness behind each wise word out of his lips. You’ve been fortunate enough to catch glimpses of this man but never the pleasure of having a dance. “You talk about the differences in our league but as I see it, you’re just short selling yourself.” There was no word, nothing that had been invented, existed for as long as the Earth has lived to describe the surge of emotions pumping through your aching heart. Dredging up the past, digging up the dirt, part of you want nothing to do with it yet there was the other part of you that fear the unknown. And since when, your body hadn’t even grasp it, tears once more falling from your fluttering lashes. “Because who could believe that a guy like you would go for someone like me. This isn’t some high school love anymore; the differences aren’t just social clique. I’m irrational, hell, childish. My emotions control my brain and quite honestly, I don’t even know how to deal with my own problems. Fact of the matter is, mature guys like yourself don’t waste their time on brats like me. And, that had never been clearer in my mind before now, Heejin really puts everything in perspective for me. I’m just… inferior in every way. When she sits next to you, as much as it pains me to admit, you two just matched.” You stutter and stumble but it’s crystal clear to Hanbin. Arms already constricting around your shivering frame, he coos comforting words and once more the salvation of his love spreading through your body from the kisses he bestowed. “Spending time with Jiwon, I realized that I know nothing about you at all. He questioned my trust for you and I realize, I don’t know. I don’t know the first thing about you let alone know how to be your girlfriend. I-I…” “Do you fear that this is nothing but a game in my eyes? Or that one day I’ll wake up and be bored of you? Or that I’m someone completely different when I’m away from you? Is that it?” Not a word uttered but he understood, he understood because those questions… They too are, were what he feared most as he watched you skipping down the hall of the university, a smile bright on your lips and friends… No, guys surrounding you. What ifs are what ifs for a reason but let anything fester for long enough, even dirt becomes diamond. “I feel so vulnerable, raw and naked for the world to see when I miss you. And when you’re not with me, I need you like crazy. But there’s no helping the small part of myself from thinking this, I’m just a small notch in your life stream… A small notch that won’t amount to anything.” Your eyes finally met, for the first time since you bare your heart open, you really search his eyes for any sign at all, anything that would convince you that this was the right thing to do even if it meant leaving Hanbin... What you found instead, all the reasons to stay. “Trust me when I say, if I could parade you around for the world to see, I would. We both know our circumstances aren’t what people called normal. And believe me, I have just as much questions, if not more about the you that exist beyond the realm that revolves around me, and I would be lying if I say doubt had never crossed my mind.” A soft sigh falling from those redden bruised lips, Hanbin stares into the distant as if somewhere along the fluttering curtain, a movie of the past playing so clearly, calling of a happier time so enticing and endearing. “In the beginning, there were nights so restless I began to wonder what my little night owl was up to and, as insane as this might sound, I’ve wondered if you were with someone else. Attractive single girl, the people you’ve made acquaintance of, the non-existing bound between us, it wasn’t too farfetched to think you’re tipsy at one of those frat party or flirting with some guy at a random club.” Hanbin chuckles bitterly, he was a man of many talents, jack of all trades he had been described on occasions. But what he isn’t… what he isn’t, is the master of jealousy. In the decade since he knew what heartbreak is, there were times when jealousy had burn him and everything he loved dearly. Hanbin swore to himself, never again will it affect his heart but, in the end, the last laugh wasn’t one heaved by him. In the end, trust isn’t something he possesses. “I’m a jealous guy. That’s even putting it lightly, if I’m being totally honest. I take pride in being a know it all, being in control of every single aspect of the relationship but love is a funny thing. Love isn’t something you put a leash on and hope for the best. It’s shared, it’s built by two people equally, and it isn’t something to be control. I’ve failed so many times, I hurt the person I loved and been hurt… All because I was jealous. And as much as I’d like to deny it, jealousy breeds doubts.” As the personal details of his past slowly being drags into the light, you could feel the hold around your body tighten, a possessiveness that you’ve never experienced before. Sure, Hanbin had always staked his claim, protective and borderline obsessive with knowing you were his physically. Yet, this moment, it’s so much more. The gaze being shared by the both of you, it was loving yet underlying, a feeling much more primal than that of two hearts simply wanting to be together. It was need, a desire to be each other’s one and only… And, it’s wonderful. “With you, it’s different. Even before I knew your heart was truly what I sought after, even before I knew you wanted me, I didn’t care. It was as though all these years of heartbreak, of being scare, the scars, they were all lifted off my body and I feel so light. In my darkest moment of wanting to be your everything but knowing it was impossible, sweetheart, you’ve always been my light. I don’t know how much thought you put in your goodnight texts, or the millions other gestures of affection you’ve graced me with. But to me, they were everything. All my fears, all of that gone, because you decided I was important enough to have a little bit of your thought, a few seconds of your day. Happiness was all I could feel in those moment and I don’t know since when, no longer did I laid alone at night wondering in jealousy, wallowing in distrust and I realized, I’m so perfectly and contently happy. For the first time in my life, I was okay with not being a control freak. I was okay with not knowing where you were every second of the day because I trust you.” Thumb caressing, replacing the warmth soaked from tears with happiness, Hanbin presses a gentle kiss to your nose then your lips. Words he wanted to speak for so long flooding from his anxious heart, no longer able to bear the weight of reservation. “Hanbin, you don’t even know how happy I’d be to receive a text from you. If you ask my roommate, she’d tell you what a crazy person I am fussing over what she thought was just a simple goodnight text. Or, or how long it even took me to muster up the courage to send one text, fearing you’d hate me for crossing the line. To me, it was everything, to be able to talk to you. Just talk, no sex, no math… Just good honest conversation. I craved those moments. I- I’m so smitten, I don’t know what to do with myself.” “Then just this one time, let go of your fear… For me, for us. Will you do that, sweetheart?” He pulls you into his chest and you let him, wanting to be in his arms for the rest of your life. The universe had blessed you with genuine love and a perfect man, even as fuck up as the road had been leading here… Everything is perfect, Hanbin is perfect. “I will, always.” Never before has his body move as fast as it did now, lips already pressing to tightly against yours, devouring them in a fury of neediness and joy. Hanbin’s torn, sharing an innocent kiss of a love no longer teetering on the edge of a crumbling cliff but one resting upon the unwavering foundation of trust. His chest light and heart blooming with the force of every spring in the last twenty something years of his life leading up to meeting you. Yet there was still the part of him, insatiable in his craving of a taste so delectable he could only liken it to heaven. No paradise on this Earth could offer the sensation provided by you, no treasure could amount to the richness your body left him after hours of moans lost in the air. It was a taste so decadent it haunted his dreams day and night, left him so desperate no amount of self-serve satisfaction could quench his thirst. Perhaps it was the months long drought you’ve left him in, perhaps it was the distant despite seeing each other nearly every day, but his body was no longer his own. It was as if every function, every movement, control by you and the way your little fingers dancing along his ribcage, soft pads tickling life back into his smooth skin. With every second past, his resolve of starting out this relationship properly, to forget the sinful beginning of the past was melting away faster than ice cream in summer heat. The last of his control snapped when the softness of your tongue mixing intricately with the sweetness of your cherry lip balm finally breach the confinement of his lips, chasing his own. A soft “fuck” signifies the last of his patient vaporizing along with the thin material of your dress, tossing away with reckless abandon. He was lost, it was as though this is the first time all over again, the very first moment he laid eyes upon your perfect body. He couldn’t believe it, the smoothness of your skin painted to perfection with the purple blooms he had left no too long ago. The flawless curves of your breast seeming almost shy under the scrutinizing of his eyes even if the gentle pawing against his bulge would suggest otherwise. You took his breath away, again. Hanbin couldn’t believe the sensation tingling beneath his fingertips as they dig so deep within the softness of your breasts, heavy breath drawn deep with each contraction of his hands. Hanbin is experienced and there was no shame in admitting his minor obsession over the bosom of a woman because really, who wouldn’t. Breasts are God’s gift to every horny straight man with a functioning dick, or otherwise really. He’s not one to judge. Yet with you, it’s almost mortifying the way he lusts over them, knowing exactly what would incite a moan and what, a cuss. There’s an exact science behind his method in unraveling your resolve, and Hanbin sure as hell isn’t scare of exercising his power over you with. His touches rough at first, fingers digging deep into the softness of your skin, kneading and pressing until you’re a mere one degree away from pain. Completely inappropriate and there has got to be better metaphor out there but he had likened it to his childhood day, of squeezing a water balloon, testing its limit to see what would make it burst… Or in your case, what would unleash the tightly woven coil within your stomach. Once satisfied, Hanbin would move on to treating them with the gentlest of touch, as if he had never known the aggression that was there just seconds ago. Palms flatten, his hand hover just enough to tickle your skin but not so close as to register it even as a touch. Softly ghosting over the sensitive skin, he’d circle then glide, brushing so delicately against the harden nubs, reveling in the way your aching body shiver under his vices. “H-Hanbin, I can’t-“ You mewl out, a sentence lost within the heavy breath weighed down by the intensity of, well, everything. “So soon? You nod fervidly, there’s no hiding the breath choking in your throat and the way your thighs squeezing together desperately, back pressing up against his toned chest out of pure reflex. Barely touching yet Hanbin already got you melting under his firm hands, clutching tightly onto his biceps despite the strong hold of his leg over your torso. Your mind burns from the gratification of his touch and skin steaming from the hot kisses fluttering against the bare skin of your shoulders. “I-I need… It’s been too long.” Fuck, has it always been this hard? There isn’t an ounce of patient left within your unraveling body to ignore the throbbing hard dick pressing, grinding so deliciously at your lower back. “Yes?” He’s playing you, there wasn’t a hair of what you had thought was the desperation in the way he devoured your lips just minutes ago. It’s now deep and seductive, the buttery smooth answer drawn out, lingering as if enticing you to chase it. You fist your hands into the sleeves of his shirt, wanting so desperately to give into him but there was still a tiny seed of pride, stubbornness residing within your abandoned ironclad resolve. He knows exactly what you want, Kim Hanbin always know what you want yet he’s so blatant in his refusal to acknowledge this fact. It’s ridiculous, stupid even that your ego was even holding you back from diving into the blue lagoon of all your wants and needs, when you want him this much. “Oh, come on, you’re just going to leave me hanging?” Warm breath tickling your ear as he coos so softly and innocently. “What is it you want, baby?” the infinitesimal gratification from the soft nibbling of his teeth on the softness of your ear forces a moan so deep within your chest, it dissolves whatever reservation left within your willful mind. “I need you. I need you so much.” You breathe out with the last fleck of patient, muffling your satisfaction within the softness of his palm and Hanbin melts. Any other day, any other time, he’d have hold out, torturing you to the brink of insanity before unleashing bouts of waves so intense, by the second he was satisfied, you were a mere shell without a soul. Not today, Hanbin was once more reminded of how much he needs you, of the safe haven you provided and just how powerful your spell is. Not that he needed to be spellbound to stay, he’s happily, willingly, and want nothing more but to be wrap around your finger. “I’m here, I will always be here.” In that split second, his statement transcends the simple physical needs screaming by your aching bodies, in that split second, he finally has you. His statement answers your lustful request, yes, but beyond that, he wants you to know he will be here no matter what, till the end of time, you have him. Yet the calling of primitive needs is beyond that of any logical reason for not a second later, you’re being whisk away by the pair of strong arms you’re all too familiar with. Bumpy steps and teeth knocking in a harmonious mess of a kiss, his hands imprinting on the curve of your ass pushing your core further into himself. No longer were his touches controlled and gentle, no longer in possession of his mind, Hanbin lets himself go and let the instinct take hold of his action. Clothes strew across the warm padded carpet floor, his movements rush in getting you back to the place so much time was spent lost in the trance of not only lust, but also love. As you crassly landing against the velvety softness of his bed, you’re lost. You’re so lost within the starlit space residing within his eyes, so loving yet filled with so much needs. He stares at you for what felt like eternity, fingers so delicately brushing against your hair, occasionally letting the soft pads pressing shiver into your scalp. Suddenly it was as though you’re both falling for each other all over again and this time, you’re both wonderfully aware of it. Hanbin thought of the many times before, you pinned under his weight, moaning his name. In those moment, as unchaste as his thought had been while pounding you into the sheet, he had wondered what it’d be like to be in love… No, to have someone like you wanting, needing his heart. Time and time again he brushed it off when the guttural calling of his name reminded him of what you needed him for that very second, reeled him back to reality. Before he could catch on to his own reality, he had fallen for you, hard. “You alright, baby?” The soft petting of your finger against his rosy cheeks draws out a smile from his chapped lips as he nuzzles into the crook of you neck, wet kisses littering their way to your chest. “More than alright.” Like magnet to metal, his lips without needing guiding, find their way back toward your breast, encasing your aching nipples in a wonderful game of tug of war. Your breath stolen right out of your chest, eyes screw shut when he rolls the harden bud in between his teeth, fingers teasing the other. “I thought about all those times when it seemed like such a preposterous thing.” A sharp inhale caught your attention, and silent, you wait and wait but Hanbin says nothing more, focus return to your body. When your eyes finally flutter open, he was once more staring at you, a daze smile on his lips. “You, loving me… Seemed so crazy.” “Yet here we are.” Your reply so gentle, yet the force stirring within his stomach, the electricity passing through his heart, unparalleled to anything of this world. “Yet here we are.” He dumbly repeating back your words, both arms caging your head as a passionate kiss finds its way onto your lips. As the clock ticks by, the kiss only grows stronger, messier, and beyond anything either of you have experienced before. He kisses you with reckless abandon, not even the metal tinge of blood could deter the needy man. “Finally…” You sigh in between moans. “Finally?” “I know you don’t want to think about it, but that day when I kissed Hoseok in front of you and Heejin… It was a good kiss, Hoseok was a great kisser, but it wasn’t right.” Hands gently hugging the sharp curve of his jawlines, you peel yourself away from the bed to place a kiss on his lips. “I had thought, kissing is kissing. What people said about being so lost within a kiss and forgetting the world, bullshit. And I hadn’t even realized it until I...” The small scowl on Hanbin’s lips was all too telling of the pain still etching deep in his heart, pain perhaps too soon to be mention even if you’re both about to share what many would consider the most intimate act of any relationship. “It was for all intended purposes, steamy and hot but it just, I felt empty, disappointed. With you, even that small kiss on my nose felt like thousand volts current ran through my chest.” “Baby…” Hanbin couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t help but softly coos at the sentiment being spoken. Yet before any more time could be wasted, your lips was back on his, fingers exploring his body as if his skin, the landscape of an uncharted universe. Small sighs of contentment mingling with sharp breaths, Hanbin loves the neediness of your grasp and desperation in your kisses. Even with the weight of his body resting so securely atop yours, it still isn’t enough. “Sweetheart, I don’t think I can wait much longer…” Hanbin mutters shakily, index meandering its way down your body, skin tingling so deliciously underneath its path. A soft hum and eyes fluttering close, you fall into his kiss once more, letting his tongue glides across your lower lips, completely abiding to the slick muscle breaching the barrier. “Don’t wait” You whimper breathily, barely a sound leaving your throat but it seems he got the idea full and well. Thick length nudging into the side of your hip, his fingers had reached their intended destination as they waste no time in delving into your wetness. They’re not shy in their movement and neither is Hanbin in his rutting for any contact at all with the warmth of your body. The further you wriggle away from him, the harder his thrust. You desperately want to be still, to let him have the gratification so well earned but how could you when his index and middle fingers are encasing your clit in the most wonderful waltz. Gentle pinch leaving you arching off the bed from the sheer intensity of the raging fire residing in your core, then soft petting, almost endearing in the way his fingers soothe your flame back to ember. “H-Hanbin, your clothes…” Inebriated and too far gone in your high, the past few minutes was spent uselessly pawing at his jeans. It doesn’t take Hanbin long to fulfill your request, bare torso pressing up against yours as your moan muffled by his kiss. Fingers still slicked with your nectar, his hand nestles right back to where they belong atop the curve of your breast, Hanbin rolls his hips with ease right into you. You whimper pathetically when the next swivel of his hips leaves you burning with desire when his harden length so perfectly aligned, rubbing right against your core. Without warning and definitely without mercy, raw pleasure spreads through your spine as Hanbin thrust deep inside, the air in your aching lungs escape in a loud gasp that seems to satisfy the man. Your body curl, nails digging deep into the depth of his bed and the last sight to grace your eyes was that of his length disappearing right into you. A grin fleetingly ghosts over his lips before that too disappearing into a devilish smirk, leaving you quivering in anticipation. His hands stroking over thighs, trailing pleasure along the sensitive skin, overstimulated and definitely wasn’t prepared as they shake uncontrollably under the scraping of his nails. This was the first time, as rough as he had with you and as adventurous, Hanbin had never forgo foreplay out of his own pure, untainted desire before. He was always meticulous. It didn’t matter if that night you were both to make love right beside the flickering of the fake fireplace glowing from the screen of his laptop or your cheeky self was to receive the punishment of the century for not obeying his order… Hanbin was always in control of himself. Whether he had planned to fuck you or it was simply heat of the moment, there always had been an order to the way he does anything. And honestly, this very moment, watching him breathing down on you with darkness clouding over those loving eyes, knowing he’s just as clueless as you are as to what happens next, it’s thrilling. Strong arms pinning your hips down, Hanbin keeps you on the edge of the seat in the way his dick so torturously slow pulling back out. Your heart races in anticipation, ignoring the dull pain emanating from the large void he left, wincing when his movement halt to a stop. But before you could acclimate to the softness of his touches, Hanbin return with more vigor than before, strong thrust leaving you dopey, ecstasy paints across your face and for a second, he wonders if you were crying in pleasure or in pain. Then again, by the cusses falling from your lips and flush on your cheeks, Hanbin ganders a bet that it was both. “Fuck, daddy…” Your calling to the persona long associated with hoarse voice and sore body chokes into a cry and you brace for another impact. One breath than two, silent falls over the lustful air left you empty. “No daddy tonight, just me, just Hanbin.” He whispers, warm breath and deep voice tickling the shell of your ears like skillful maestro over ivories. “Hanbin…” His name lost in a hushed moan, words are hard to form when you’re pinned under the weight of his love. The memory of the very first time you had sex with Hanbin come rushing back, filling your mind with the most wonderful sentiment. It was so much like tonight yet so different. You could still remember the glee in his eyes as you cried for him, for his name, for the very first time. It hadn’t really piqued your interest then as to why but now, you understand it clearly. You and him, professor and student, daddy and baby girl, and now, just a man and the woman he loves. There’s a sense of belonging, you’re his daylight and he’s your home. There wasn’t a single doubt, no fake façade to satisfy your sexual needs but rather, the sensual touches and passionate cries for each other a byproduct of the love you both share, hearts beating as one. You sing his name over and over as the world melts away in a timeless loop of heavenly pleasure. Deep grunts of a frustration, pressure building so high Hanbin thought of the first time he had ever experience what it’s like to be with a woman. It was as if he was sixteen all over again, ready to burst at the mere touch of a woman. His movement erratic, and the image of you twisting so delightfully under each thrust blurring under the curtain of his lashes, so addicting yet the way you’re clenching so tightly around his dick making it hard to keep his eyes open. Sweat dripping, dull aching spreading over every muscle of his body but Hanbin can’t falter yet, not when your moans only starting to build, high pitch whining echoing about his mind like song of heaven. “Baby, can I-“ He starts but the sentence proving too difficult to finish, mind hazy with the way your lips so enticingly rolling between your teeth, moan muffled, drawing blood but you couldn’t care less. How tantalizing is the way your breasts bounce each time your bodies connect, soothing rhythm clouding his mind with its entrancing movements. The hands that were pressing so deeply into the smoothness of your skin hastily leaving dark blooms behind, grasping tightly onto vivacious swaying of your bosom, deep sigh leaving his lips. “Can I fuck you harder?” Without a word, your body begins to roll onto its side, pushing the needy man away from your sore self, eliciting a yelp of surprise. Face digging deep into the pillow, you did your best to elevate your lower half that was feeling much like it had just gone through a meat grinder. Not much energy left, you stumble, yet before you could crash right into the comforting softness of his bed, swift hands caught your hips, jutting your body upward, holding it in place. A hard smack finding itself ringing on your ass, the burn etching deep in your bone yet it was so delectable, leaving you craving for more. Your hips wiggle, pushing against the harden length still slick with your juice earning another hard spank, rough hand pushing your shoulders into the bed. Try as much as you may, any effort put into relaxing hinder from the sensitiveness of, well, everything. The world could implode this second and there isn’t a damn thing your worn body could do to react. Your thighs and legs aching, ass being spank raw and by the soft prodding of his tip, your core isn’t going to be in any better condition. Hanbin isn’t a man of many words once his dick takes over control, but the rare murmurs of that deep, seductive voice alone could make you cream right then and there. Hanbin grabs your hips and resume his thrusting, so powerful and strong he leaves you gripping the sheet for support. He’s giving it to you the way he promised and this very moment, you couldn’t discern if the ringing in your ears was your own moans or his. “Hanbin, come inside, please.” You moan, making the best effort to get the words out in between groans of anticipation and hisses of pleasure, stroking his ego further. Hanbin grunts audibly, ramming into you with all the force he could muster and with each guttural moan ripping from his throat, he’s one degree away from losing it. “Don’t stop, baby. Fuck as hard as you want.” As the last syllable of encouragement escape your lips, you could feel the string so wound up so tightly inside your stomach snaps, loud cry filling the lustful air of the room with satisfaction. With each thrust growing sloppier by the second, Hanbin focus on your cry for him to come undone and the warmth gushing, surrounding his dick with the release of your orgasm. Your cum and squirt dripping down his thighs, fueling the fire burning in his chest as he rams harder, sending you into oblivion. Oversensitive and exhausted, you could barely hang on as Hanbin chases his own release, and if not for the pair of desperate hand digging into the crook of your hips, you’d collapse. Fingers fisting the sheet, toes curling, your head lull sideway to peek at the man on the edge of the cliff of heaven, inching closer to your second ending. The mesmerizing sight of him enjoying the moment is almost too much, with his head cocks back, no longer was his eyes on you but rather shut tight, too lost in his own universe. As the second bout of pleasurable waves rip through your body, Hanbin utter a sensual “fuck” before his movement slows, the warmth of his cum soothes away the pain of the past hour of rough housing. Heavy pants and sweaty kisses, you crawl into his arms, letting the drumming of his heart lull your mind to rest. Just before you lose grasp of reality, a gentle kiss along with a loving utterance of “I love you” carry your tired self to dreamland. Your heart swell knowing by the time your eyes flutter open once more, “I love you” too will be what greets you back to the real world.

#ikon #hanbin #b.i #hanbin scenarios #hanbin fanfic #hanbin imagines #ikon scenarios #ikon fanfic #ikon imagines #ikonic

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pearls-and-polowraps · 7 years

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30 Life Lessons from 30 Years

1. Love is a verb. Love is not a mere emotion, nor a sentiment wrapped in pretty words. It is active, intentional, and requires continuous effort. Show your love, don't just tell.

2. Prayer, without action, is useless. "What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith, but has no works? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and food. If one of you tells him, 'Go in peace; stay warm and well fed,' but does not provide for his physical needs, what good is that? In the same way, faith by itself, unless it is accompanied by action, is dead." - James 2:14-17

"Prayer in action is love, and love in action is service. Try to give unconditionally whatever a person needs in the moment. The point is to do something, however small, and show you care by giving your time ... Do not worry about why problems exist in the word, just respond to people's needs." - Mother Teresa

3. Happiness is not a goal, it's a byproduct of a life well lived. "Paradoxically, the one sure way not to be happy is to deliberately map out a way of life in which one would please oneself completely and exclusively. After a short time, a very short time, there would be little that one really enjoyed, for what keeps our interest in life and makes us look forward to tomorrow is giving pleasure to other people." - Eleanor Roosevelt

4. Success is all about perspective. For some people, success is defined by a six-figure job, a fancy house, a brand new luxury car, and all of the other trappings. Over time, even the material things we once coveted most eventually lose their luster and we're left feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and unfulfilled.

Don't mistake me - there is nothing wrong with earning money! Just know that money alone cannot bring the satisfaction you seek. For that, consider the quality and nature of your daily interactions. Are you taking steps to create a meaningful life?

5. Make a change. If you are unhappy with your current situation, you have two choices: accept your lot in life and trudge on, or make a change. Everything else is just a pity party.

6. "No" is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify every decision you make, nor do you have to seek anyone's approval.

7. Your health is an investment, not an expense. Lots of people don’t learn that until it’s too late.

8. Your job is not your mission. A career is a good thing, but not when it takes precedence over everything else. Never work so much that the rest of your life suffers for it.

9. Cultivate a passion. This is not the same as following your passion. "Following" implies a pre-existing passion that could be turned into instant fulfillment. Cultivation, on the other hand, implies that you work at building a passion for everything you do. It requires that you approach your work like a craftsman - hone your abilities and leverage your value to shape your life into something that resonates with you.

10. Relationships matter... Every relationship - romantic, professional, familial, or otherwise - is comprised of a series of give-and-take exchanges. For the relationship to work, each party must contribute and receive value from the interaction. Otherwise, someone will end up feeling exploited while the other reaps the benefits.

11. ...But you don't need to be liked by everyone. Not every relationship as the same value, and you can't expect everyone to love you in the same way. Trying to please everyone is a recipe for stress, misery, and frustration.

12. Lead a quiet life. "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands." - 1 Thessalonians 4:11

"Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

13. Everyone worships something; the only choice is what.

14. Growth requires a little discomfort. We all want something better for ourselves, but we are so often afraid to make a change. Change, by its very nature, brings uncertainty, and uncertainty brings discomfort, none of which sounds very appealing. Until you learn to associate enough discomfort in your current situation with some future reward, you can't compel yourself to take action.

15. Perfection is unattainable. No matter how hard I work or how much I wish, I will never be perfect. Neither will you. We are human. It is in our nature to make mistakes and we'll all run afoul of a bad decision now and then. We are, each and every one of us, a mixed bag of contradictions and shortcomings, and we are all still beautiful.

16. Learn from the past, but don't let it control your future. What's done is done. No amount of regret can undo an action or take back a careless word. Use your mistakes to show you how to improve for the next time, and always try to avoid making the same one twice.

17. There is no shame in being wrong, nor in saying you're sorry. Accepting your shortcomings and apologizing for errors you make are both necessary if you want to maintain the health of your relationships. You'll become a kinder, more compassionate person in the process.

18. SLEEP! Seriously. Go to bed.

19. Have less stuff. The more you have, the more you've got to worry about, pay for, tend to, and concern yourself with. (This goes for emotional "stuff," too.)

20. Just BE.

21. "Our doubts are traitors... ... and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." William Shakespeare was on to something with this one. Most of the things we fear never come to pass. If they do, they are rarely as awful as we imagined. Worrying over the future only steals the joy from now.

22. Practice forgiveness. Being angry requires an extraordinary commitment of time and energy. It's just not worth the effort. Forgive and focus your attention on something better.

23. YOU give your life meaning. A meaningful life is anything you want it to be. Decide what makes your life worth living, then build everything else around that.

24. Love people as they are. No matter how much we try, we can't change the people we love. Instead of wishing that they would get a little closer to our ideal, learn to appreciate the unique perspectives that their differences provide.

25. Gratitude multiplies happiness. Rather than dwelling on all the things you lack, consciously focus on appreciating all that is yours.

26. Do the work. A goal without a plan is nothing more than a wish. If you want something for yourself, be prepared to put forth a little effort. The work makes the reward so much greater.

27. YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

28. Good is not something you are, it's something you do. "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can." - John Wesley

29. “Have courage and be kind.” - Cinderella (2015)

30. There is no reset button. Nothing can be undone and no word can be unsaid. Every action has a consequence, and every decision you make will have an impact on your life in some way. Make them count.

#this birthday sucks so much #so so so so much #i am trying my best to avoid a major depressive episode #and failing miserably #have this list #tw religion

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sherristockman · 7 years

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What You Can Learn From Other People’s Regrets Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola Regrets. We all have them — things said or done; things left unsaid or undone. Paths that weren’t followed; opportunities missed due to fear or insecurity. The list is long, but one of the biggest regrets in life reported by a large number of people is not being there for someone at the end of life.1 In other words, being too busy with “life” to tend to those near death. Interestingly, while a regret can be phrased either as an action or as an inaction (“I wish I had not quit high school,” versus “I wish I had stayed in high school”), regrets framed as actions tend to be more emotionally intense than regrets about inactions, but inactions tend to be longer lasting.2 Emma Freud, a columnist for The Guardian, recently explored themes of regret on social media, covering everything from relationships, work-life balance and personal passions, to addiction, illness and death. If you’re so inclined, you can take a look at some of the thousands of responses she received.3 Chances are, you’ll recognize yourself in some of them. Top Five Regrets of the Dying According to Bronnie Ware, a former palliative care nurse who ended up writing a book, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying,” based on her conversations with the dying, the biggest, most commonly cited regrets at the end of life are — beginning with the most common regret of all:4 Not having the courage to live a life true to oneself but rather doing what was expected Working too much, thereby missing children’s youth and their partner’s companionship Not having the courage to express one’s feelings Not staying in touch with friends Taking life too seriously and allowing worries to diminish happiness Ware goes a step further, however, in that she also delves into solutions for these regrets — ways for you to avoid falling into the same traps. The No. 1 regret is a valuable reminder to not give up too many of your dreams to please others (or conform to conventional standards). “It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way,” Ware says. “From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.” Living Life on Your Own Terms Is Key to Dying Without (Too Many) Regrets Virtually every man in Ware’s care listed No. 2: Missing out on family time because of excessive work. “All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence,” she writes, adding: “By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.” No. 4 is a closely related topic. Oftentimes we get so busy we forget to keep in touch with old friends, and over time the relationship fizzles out. Then, in old age, loneliness creeps in. It can be difficult to build a friendship at any age, but it certainly does not get easier with advancing age, when poor health starts limiting your ability to get out and about to socialize. As noted by Ware, love and relationships are usually the only things of true, remaining importance when the end of life draws near. As for No. 3, Ware notes that many “developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried” as a result of holding their feelings in and opting to keep quiet just to keep the peace. If you’re in this category, consider Ware’s commonsense advice: “We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.” Last but not least, at the end of life, many finally realize that happiness is an inside job. It’s a choice, not a side effect of living any particular kind of life. “[D]eep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again,” Ware writes, wisely noting that once you’re on your deathbed, you will not be worrying about what others think of you, so why not choose happiness now, while you still have a lot of life left? The Importance of Relationships and Self-Care Longevity research strongly supports Ware’s overall findings. The same things that people report regretting are also the things centenarians “get right.” In interviews and surveys with centenarians,5 including the ones interviewed in “How to Live to 100,” two of the most important factors contributing to longevity are having a strong social network of family and friends, and keeping a sense of humor. The importance of social support has also been scientifically verified. An American meta-analysis6 of published studies found strong social support is actually the No. 1 factor that determines longevity and survival. The influence of social support on mortality is so great, it surpasses the influence of weight and even eclipses the influence of smoking. A 2012 article7 in Forbes Magazine listed 25 top regrets reported by people. Here — in addition to all of the regrets already listed — one of the biggest regrets was not standing up to bullies, be it in school or at work. In hindsight, many feel they should have spoken out and taken a firm stand, even at the risk of losing their job. Another regret that is bound to be pertinent for a vast majority of people these days is allowing the smartphone to take up too much of our time and attention. Related to that one is the regret of “not teaching my kids to do more stuff,” be it raking leaves, learning to throw a ball, cleaning their room, camping or any number of other activities. On this list of regrets you also have “not taking care of my health when I had the chance.” Indeed, many pay no attention to their health at all unless or until there’s a problem. Unfortunately, by that time, you have a struggle ahead of you, as most health problems are far easier to prevent than they are to treat. Not to mention the emotional and financial strain and stress a chronic health problem can cause. At the end of life, many wish they’d made self-care a priority. Hopefully, if you’re reading this, you’ve not let self-care slide off your radar. Remember, some of the simplest lifestyle strategies can have tremendous impact, such as: Getting sufficient amounts of sleep every night Walking daily (preferably outdoors, in nature) and getting plenty of physical movement throughout the day Meditating or regularly engaging in some form of stress relief Limiting exposure to electromagnetic fields Eating real food At the End of Life, Most Wish They’d Lived More in the Moment Another common regret is regretting not living more in the moment. As constant connectivity via smartphones and other technologies increases, more and more people are bound to experience this regret at the end of their life as the years wear on. “Living in the now” is a major component of happiness, and a significant way to grow in gratitude, both of which also have an impact on health and longevity. It’s really difficult to cultivate gratitude if you’re constantly running; always looking ahead, or, alternatively, looking to the past. Gratitude requires you to be in the moment, and appreciate what’s in front of you right now. A commonly recommended practice that can be very helpful is to keep a daily gratitude journal. This can be done in a paper journal, or you can download a Gratitude Journal app from iTunes.8 In one 2015 study,9 participants who kept a gratitude diary and reflected on what they were grateful for four times a week for three weeks reported improvements in depression, stress and happiness. A mindfulness intervention, consisting of a mindfulness diary and mindfulness meditation, led to similar improvements. Remember, you tend to get more of what you focus on, so be mindful of the kinds of thoughts you entertain. Your brain can actually become “hardwired” to feel anxiety, depression, irritability or anger the longer and the more frequent such thoughts are allowed to persist. As noted by Robert Emmons in “The Little Book of Gratitude:” “Everything we do creates connections within networks of the brain, and the more you repeat something, the stronger those connections get. The mind can change the brain in lasting ways. In other words, what flows through the mind sculpts the brain.” If you struggle with pessimism, give the Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) a try. EFT is a form of psychological acupressure based on the energy meridians used in acupuncture. It’s an effective way to quickly restore your inner balance and healing and helps rid your mind of negative thoughts and emotions. In the video below, EFT practitioner Julie Schiffman demonstrates how to tap for gratitude. Your Life Is Your Own, Live It the Way You Want To The take-home message here is this: If you’re currently doing, or avoiding doing, something you know you’d regret if you only had weeks left to live, change course now. Don’t wait years or decades. Eventually, you’ll run out of time and be left holding a bag of regrets. Your life is your own — you’re the only one who can live it successfully, so follow your dreams and passions, and let go of unnecessary baggage and false limitations. At the end of your life, you’ll realize you don’t care about what other people think of you nearly as much as you believe today, and — if you’re like most — you’ll come to the realization that happiness is in fact an ever-present choice.

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