#literally haven't been this depressed since january

[stonetopbutch]

I'm this 🤏 close to dropping out of uni

#not feeling very slay #it's mental illness innit #literally haven't been this depressed since january #anyway

[dethkreature]

listening to the perfect girl by mareux while sitting in a bathroom stall at my college dorm cos I don't feel safe in my room. this is an ethereal experience, partly cos I'm sober for the first time in a while. please God give me strength I wanna survive until I can finally switch rooms.

#sorry boys this is the main reason for me not posting much at all #I literally haven't been in this horrible of a depressive episode since like january/february last year this is impressive #I will get insane character development once I've pulled through this tho #dethkreaturepost

[shychick-52]

My physical disability (long post)

Given that it's Disability Pride Month, I wanted to share a bit of my own experience.

After experiencing HORRIBLE back pain for weeks in late 2016 (the doctor didn't send me for an MRI or any deeper scan after the x-ray didn't show anything), I woke up one morning in January 2017 with literally ZERO balance. Like, I could move my legs, but I still couldn't walk. It was the most terrifying sensation.

Called the ambulance, they took me to the hospital where I had the proper scan done, and it turned out to be a massive tumor pressing on my spine and crushing the nerves. Because it had been growing for months, everyone agreed it was a miracle I wasn't totally paralyzed. (The tumor turned out to be cancerous, and I had several more tumors in other places too, including my stomach, ovaries, liver, and kidneys). After it was removed, I still had zero balance.

Well, the entire five months I was in the hospital getting treatment wasn't fun, made even worse by my destroyed mobility. During my stay, I switched back and forth between a wheelchair and a walker. I was so depressed, terrified I'd never walk properly again and convinced my life was over. Even after I was discharged from the hospital, and still continued to use a wheelchair and walker, I can't count how many times I freaking bawled. I had very poor control of my legs, and had to look down at them at all times to know what they were doing so I didn't trip.

And for the first time in my life, I was met with challenges that able-bodied people don't have to worry about (the worst of which were stairs). I could finally appreciate how frustrating it is when able-boded people selfishly use the handicapped stall in the washroom (when the other ones are perfectly available) when you have to go!

Not long after I got out of the hospital, I started attending physical therapy. I worked for months and months, and graduated from a walker to two canes to just one cane. I practiced walking in the pool by my place (with aqua-therapy, I didn't have to worry about injuring myself if I fell in the water, and I fell plenty at first). I gradually got better, but it was HARD.

Shortly after my very first visit to physical therapy, my therapist diagnosed me with spasticity in my legs and feet. That's a condition caused by a spinal cord injury; the injury to the nerves in the spine cause the signals between the nervous system and the legs/feet to be thrown completely out-of-whack and fail to communicate properly (which was why I couldn't sense what my feet were doing unless I looked at them), forcing the leg muscles to be in a permanent state of horrible stiffness and constant spasms. It's a horrible feeling.

Finally, in the later part of 2019, I no longer needed a cane. I could walk just fine on my own (for the most part), and I haven't had to rely on walking aids since then, and I don't have to watch my feet to know how they're moving when I walk. But the spasticity- which is permanent- remains. I manage it with medication, which helps the stiffness a bit. And my biggest challenge remains stairs; I absolutely cannot go up and down stairs (especially up) without a banister. But because of how generally stiff my muscles are, my balance will never be perfect. And I can't really run, although I can walk just as fast as I used to.

Cold weather, rain, and atmospheric pressure all make the spasticity worse.

#disability pride month #physical disability #spinal cord injury #spasticity #Shy speaks

[violaceum-vitellina-viridis]

i just got a very, very sweet message about km2 ("love is heavy and light" in the fire & powder verse) and i have several asks in my / the f&p blog inbox about it as well (all of those are older, but the reason i haven't published them is because i'm still rolling around in them happily)

but i just. rambling below

when i turned comments off, i DID NOT WANT TO. i was convinced that was a failure, but the other option in my mind was literally nuking the entire series and disappearing into the woods. i kept getting the same kind of responses i didn't want and couldn't cope with, despite having it stated in several places on the fic. and it wasn't like, an overwhelming majority or anything it was just that so long after the fic finished posting, several of the new things i was getting on it were like that, and i just. i was having the worst time about it.

and thank fucking gods that twist talked me down, then, and convinced me to turn off comments, because holy shit y'all. holy shit.

i've been in migraine hell for 60/66 days. i developed chronic migraine seemingly out of nowhere (or, well, not precisely nowhere, but i've never had migraine properly and nothing like this) at the end of january and have had only 6 symptom-free days since. part of these migraines for me is extremely severe depressive episodes, to the level where i have been to the ER twice for both the pain and psychiatric distress. i have been experiencing flashbacks and have been -- well not quite diagnosed, yet, but currently i have "acute post traumatic stress disorder" in the notes for my case, and i will likely end up with a more Proper Diagnosis in my files. my brain has been trying to eat me, my relationships, and everything i have and love alive for 60 days.

so i just got this very lovely message (and it was lovely, this person did absolutely nothing wrong! i adore them!) and cried a little and then had a small glimpse, for just a second, into an alternate universe where i didn't have twist, or twist didn't talk me into turning comments on km2 off. where i would still be getting comments on km2 that were negative, that were the kind of negative i have specifically asked not to see any further, and god. holy fucking shit. if i was like this, in migraine hell time, and got that kind of response -- i would nuke the entire series and never be seen again. i would never touch any of it again and just never return. and that's horrifying to realize, both in the sense of "holy shit, i am so fragile right now" and also "oh my god, twist saved me and everyone from that reality"

so yeah. just sort of. rambling about it. go read twist's fics and tell her she's great.

#migraine hell time #about my writing #twist is a gift and a treasure and for so many more reasons than this here

[yourlocalartsonist]

Heya! I wanted to ask about your fic, "Moths Fly In Packs", that I wanted to know for a while. Forgive me if it was answered or not:

What was your main inspiration for the actual story? Was it just a Rise AU? Did you automatically create Salena for this story? I wanna know the origins of story and what got you writing the first chapter!

Heyyyyy bestie how's it goinnnnn~

Aight so this is actually one of my favorite things to talk about cuz my ass cannot shut up about this fic but it was quite a few things that got mushed together to create the fic

First off, it was originally gonna be a comic! I just got heavily back into Rise after watching the movie in January 2023 and yk the show was cancelled for a while now. I really missed the show and already read through like every headcanon, x reader, and whatever the fuck I could find at the time so to satiate myself, I decided to make a story of my own! That was kinda already the drill for me anyway; if there's a piece of media I adore that never got the love it deserved, I continue the story myself

It was gonna be a comic focused with the boys as the main characters just like the show and would be seen as a continuation. I wasn't planning on releasing it any time soon since ya know... comic but Salena was indeed still gonna be in the story. She was just gonna be a more minor character? Not background, more like on the same level as April or Splintz; pops up often but not always

And then I realized that was a stupid fucking idea cuz no way in hell I would ever survive the torture of making comics :D I don't even enjoy making em for the most part so yk-

I had a different idea on the side. I was thinking it'd be interesting to have a separate fic version of the story but told from Salena's perspective so the audience would understand her more. But then as I kept developing the story, I realized this was the more interesting version anyway! I had a shit ton of ideas and a lot of topics I could critique and commentate on. It was genuinely fucking interesting the more I looked at it, even tho I was hella nervous no one would care for my random ass OC enough to accept them as the main character over the boys-

On a more personal note, I was going through a lot of shit prior to rejoining Rise which made my senior year of high school get a very depressing start. But in a way, watching the movie and the show saved me. Not even exaggerating, this show's done a lot for me than I'll ever be able to express. When I thought about making the fic and settled on it being the story I tell, I wanted to express all my feelings and hardships I've been through. I wanted to explore them through Salena and externalize a lot of the messages I learned and Rise felt like the perfect outlet for that; the characters just genuinely fit

That's the real reason why I had the first chapter out in like a month or two. I wasn't even sure whether to post it, it was entirely an impulse move. But I don't regret it one bit

I really do hope this story find the people I want it to. People who felt just as alone as I did, I want them to know they aren't. There are people out there who understand, who've been through the same, and who've survived and gone onto thriving. I wanted Salena to feel relatable to them since she's quite literally the first character I've made who's truly based off of myself

On the flip side, I also hope it'll reach people who have no idea what I'm talking about and haven't ever experienced what Salena has. I want this story to be an opportunity for them to step into someone else's shoes and learn how to empathize. That was why I loved books as a kid; they helped me learn to empathize. So maybe, my story can do the same. Help people to empathize with folks like Salena who are struggle and have no idea how to say so

Sorry for the long ass ramble. I genuinely do believe the origins of this fic is extremely interesting so I really love talking about it ;w;

Cheers to Chapter 9 finally being out!

#save rottmnt #rottmnt #rottmnt fanfiction #rottmnt asks #ask box #rottmnt moths fly in packs #rottmnt mfip #mfip asks #rambles #rottmnt rambles #fanfic recs #fanfic ramble #fanfic ramblings

[birchblood]

had the shocking realization that i am more depressed again (it's hard for me to recognize dips and crests in it as i've been struggling with deep depression my whole life). ugh. i'm just so worn out. at the risk of giving too much personal info on here i've been struggling more than usual, in particular since the fall where i was impacted by a mass shooting, and then in january my grandfather passed away and my grandmother (other side of family) decided to go on the warpath against me less than like 4 days after he died and it would have been quicker had i returned her call the day after. since then i've been really struggling w a resurgence in my eating disorder and i've just been overwhelmed the past 2 months. i'm just so tired all the time and really don't have much emotional support from others aside from my therapist, and it's hard. a friend came to visit 3 weeks ago and it was really fun but it's hard for me to talk around all the messed up stuff in my life because a) no one can deal w it tbh and as a result, b) i can't take any more emotional rejection from opening up. like it's just too much for other people. i was doing a little better w food and then it got worse again and i'm just done. i don't feel well, and haven't read for like 2 weeks or watched a movie which is how i know i'm depressed, and haven't wanted to make any art either which is also how i know, and letting my apartment get messy which is another indicator. sometimes it's hard for me to catch because i don't necessarily have the super obvious indicators like slipping in personal hygiene etc and still run daily and have a normal sleep schedule and maintain a "normal" mood/presentation. i also think i have low level depression most of the time so it's not like 0 to 60. and the low level depression is very manageable, so then i don't even consider myself depressed even though clinically i very much am, so then i don't really wonder if i am getting more depressed ever and wonder what is going on when literally i have been struggling w bad depression for ages.

i'm also really struggling w my feelings for someone and how they interact w trauma that's soooo deeply rooted. i don't like being personally transparent about it on here but if you see what i post about the most i'm sure you'll get the idea. the idea of being in a relationship with them is incredibly appealing to me, like i wouldn't want one rn with anyone else, but also really scary as i spend a lot of time keeping people at arms length because that's the only way i can easily maintain relationships without bolting. but i really really like them. and then that whole situation is messed up too and i'm worried i like them for trauma related reasons. but if i don't like aspects of the situation (age difference mainly), and wish it were different maybe it's not coming from a dysfunctional place. i really like them because aside from being attracted to them they've displayed an ability to be alongside what's happened to me in a way that made me feel like a whole person, while also being extremely cognizant of the violence i've been the victim of, and not making it about them at all. they're literally the first and only person who has treated me like that.

i don't know.

#personal

[sageofmagic-squeaks]

Eh, Imma throw a vent here because I need to put it somewhere.

Speaking with my parents is like a gamble of 'will this conversation make me miss them' or 'will this conversation make me thankful I was paid by internet friends to move across the country' and OH BOY did a conversation the other day hit the latter. To the point where after the call was done, said internet friends who paid me to move across the country came out to CHECK ON ME. And I was caught off guard because 'oh actually this is how normal conversations go with my dad. Did it really sound that bad??'

The conversation itself was stupid. See, over the past MONTH I've been trying to move out of my flooded, uninhabitable apartment that was growing black mold. A pipe burst in January from our neighbor's unit and our first floor flooded and second floor started leaking. Since then I have had to balance driving between hotels and our apartment, fighting with said apartment over a new place to live because they needed us out permanently and they literally sold one place they offered us within the hour to someone else and then tried to offer us a place with a severe rat infestation, packing up the entire place, filing insurance claims, dealing with their unannounced maitanence visits, still working...it's a lot.

And on top of it all my dad kept. Texting. And emailing. Wanting me to do my taxes.

No acknlowledgement over my situation, just wanting me to stop everything and do taxes. I explained I no longer had computer access anymore and still got bothered over taxes. So now that I moved into a dry place in another city I called him to end this whole thing about taxes and instead got unrelated lectures on how I spend my money. According to him, I'm perfectly healthy and won't have health issues until I'm 60 so I should stop putting money in a health savings account and instead be applying every cent to paying off a bank loan he set up for me over 10 years ago for school. Thing is, I am paying that stupid loan. The interest is so high that it basically stagnanted at 10k for the past 4 years no matter how much of it I pay off. It's been an auto bill as far back as I can remember having my own bank account. And he was picking a fight over me dropping a few dollars of my paycheck into a health savings account for emergencies. There's barely enough in it to cover an ambulence if I needed one. And then he needled further implying that I am rich (HAH) and should pay off the 10k right then and there on the phone with him.

And again, I just had to pay to live in a hotel while still paying rent for a black mold apartment AND also rent for a new place we managed to sign the lease for in addition to paying movers and buying boxes and having to eat out instead of cook. My bank account is weeping and my roommates and I had to ask for help. But he mocked me saying I'm not poor and could pay it. I don't understand how serious it is. I gotta pay it.

Again like I don't already send a chunk of my paycheck towards the stupid loan already. Last time I paid off the OTHER bank loan he badgered me for I was barely scraping by because it took everything and he seems to think paying off bank and student loans is all that my work money should ever be used for.

Oh and also I found out I'm not getting mail regarding said loan because he set it up with all his information and won't let me change it to mine! Actually he's still upset that I changed the passwords for my bank account so he can't track my spending :) because who doesn't love buying a smoothie when hanging with friends and getting a call that night about wasting $8 that could've gone to stupid loans.

And people thought I was choosing to be depressed and negative on purpose back when I was in rp groups while living with my parents. Nope, I was just having my entire being micromanaged to every degree.

Anyways vent got away from me but like...I haven't lived with my parents in 6 years. I've had to work so hard to undo damage to have opinions of my own and interact with people normally and I can damn well manage my own money so calling my dad and having him blow off a major, stressful life event and demand I do what he says to pay off a loan that I'm already paying has been pissing me off.

Also no health issues my ass. I have adhd, cant stay awake and my spine is bent OVER 60 degrees. Not to mention the time I walked on a fractured leg for months because oh weh, medical bills expensive and how I'm still feeling that pain years later e_e

#vent #despite this I do still love my parents and have good memories with them but like #I absolutely have to keep distance for my own sanity

[ovaryacted]

Awwwe nic, I just saw your rant. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. People truly underestimate how time consuming a nine to five job is. We want you to know that you shouldn't feel any pressure from our side, we'll read whatever you write and whenever you write, even when we have to wait for it. Don't overwork yourself because that'll help no one. Now I do understand all the frustration and dread you're feeling if you want to write but just can't. Trust me, I've been there. I am there. With college and me being a procrastinating little piece of shit, I haven't written anything in ages, even though writing is my truest passion and I wish I could be an author some day. The dread felt when you're stopped from doing things you want to do over an extended period of time is so valid. Now, this little ask of mine can't magically make you a few more hours to spare nor can it make your job any easier, but I hope you at least feel heard. Take your time, write when you have time for it. Even five minutes, just put something in that word document - that's better than nothing. You'll continue later. It'll help with the feeling of depression to at least type something, even if it's just one paragraph. And when it comes to feeling like it's a waste of time, I don't think there's a writer in the world ho hasn't felt that at some point. We see you, and we know how much hard work you put in to give us those yummy fics. Know that your following is standing right behind you and we'll eat up whatever you put out there. As someone who's been writing since I learned how to hold a pencil, I can tell you that the feeling sadly never truly goes away. But it comes less often and becomes easier to deal with. And, If you really need something to keep you going, know that hundreds, if not thousands of people would be really sad to see you go if you decided to give up on the blog. I don't know how much this helped, or even if it helped at all, but the point of the story is that we're here for you, no matter what. Love you pookie, take care!❤️❤️❤️

-🌑

This ask made me emotional in the morning, and I’ve been reading it over and over the past few days. I’ll admit, I’ve been in a rough patch for like a month, I genuinely forget how my mental health can get around January-February, which are relatively rough months for me in general because that’s when my depression spikes the most. I guess it’s a combination of the pre-birthday blues and the existential dread of getting older lmao, but idk it’s always a stressful time for me and it’s been that way since I was 16. My home life is also not the best right now, which just stresses me out more cause now I’m stressed at work and at home thanks to my inconsiderate family. (Eldest daughter things feel me?)

Honestly, I’m really thankful I have a 9-5 job and a good one at that, it gives me financial stability I’ve never had before. It’s also a job I prayed for, in the field I studied and with reputable nice people. I got very lucky, especially with the current economy in the US dealing with hyperinflation and how hard it is to get a job right now I’m very grateful. But it is a busy job, I mean I work with people who are essentially government agents and have ties to the FBI so I have pressure to do well at work. I did underestimate the amount of time I’ll have for myself working a full time job, especially after coming from a shitty part time job I had more time to do things throughout the week. I feel like I took all that free time for granted, and at least when I was in college I had several days off, now I only have like 5-6 hrs after work plus the weekend to myself and the cycle gets exhausting at some point. Usually when I come home, I have the mentality and the creativity to want to write, but lack the energy. Literally the moment I rest on my bed, I just put on Netflix and doze off, or won’t have enough brain power to make cohesive ideas so I end up hating what I write or starting over (which has happened so far). So I have the weekend to relax and write, but now I have to start studying for a big legal exam later on in the year which is my ticket to law school for 2025. I just have a lot going on right now and to prep for (adulthood I guess).

Believe me, I’m trying, and I want to create, I’ve been writing since I was 12 so this is a hobby and a skill I want to build up. I’ve been taking some time out every day to just write stuff out, and so far it’s worked. And with asks, I use the morning and my lunch break to prepare responses and edit them at home to post when I have time. I just want to upload multiple things at a time, and then I get indecisive about what to start, and end up posting nothing lmao. Plus with all the bs going on in the tags and the fandom in general, it’s annoying the hell out of me cause it’s just constant drama. But I appreciate your kind words honey, I always do, they’re encouraging and make me feel better. Adore you, I hope you’re having a good day though and taking care of yourself. ❤️‍🩹

#ovaryacted asks #₊˚⊹ ♡ ─ new moon anon 🌑 #this was so nice omg

[kaelyn-stocktonmil]

Depressed/Lonely Self-Rant

Ok so...I don't really know what I'm doing at this point, pretty sure I'm just doing whatever my mind says is right, alongside hoping maybe there's someone out there who gets it who might be kind enough to give anything from encouraging words, to an offer to be friends.

And I know that's asking for a lot in this world. So this is basically just me venting so...if you stick around to the end of this, congrats...if not, I don't blame you.

So, everybody knows what depression is. Seasonal depression, chronic depression, temporary, etc. And believe me, all of them get overlooked in a lot of ways. People always say that it's just depression, things will get better, it's just in your head, etc. But it's still someone going through a hard time. Sometimes anti-depressants help, sometimes they won't make a dent in the things people feel.

I'm beginning to think I might have some form of chronic depression. Most days I'll seem fine for the majority of the day, and next thing I know, a cloud just falls over me after I do, or see something...most of which relates to how lonely I am. My friends have all but disappeared, or distanced themselves from me...my best friend has had enough of being the middle-woman between me and the others, to help work things out and said it in probably the nicest way she could that I'm on my own in terms of figuring things out with the others...even though I just wanted to hang out. The worst part is that whenever I'm with my best friend, and the others are on, they suddenly aren't against spending time with me...but the moment my bestie is gone, so are they. I reached out to ask to hang out, and they quite literally told me they weren't trying to be rude, but none of us want to hang out with you, so kindly go fuck off... I haven't bothered to reach out since, and that was at the start of January...

I get it, I'm a hard person to be friends with. I suck at reading social ques, I'm stubborn, I'm clingy, and yes, I can be oblivious, and sometimes I hurt the people I love without realizing to or meaning it...but I never meant to do any wrong by my friends. I was the one to introduce my bff to my other friends, because I wanted to be polite and friendly...and now my friends don't want anything to do with me, unless I'm with my bff...

So, what am I supposed to do? Keep burying my head in the sand and asking what I did wrong or wait? Because while I know the logical answer is to wait, my emotional mental state can't keep taking hits like this! I was so desperate as to get on my Xbox and start looking for posts, and both times I've gotten accepted, because it's ONLY BEEN TWICE, I got accepted by a little twerp who finds joy in trolling his SMP members with his Admin abilities by killing us 100 times, and thinks everyone is enjoying it and won't take no for an answer, and someone my age who kicked when he asked how my day was and I said repetitive, and he didn't hear it the first time, for what I assume he thought I was a damn kid! I HATE MY VOICE!

I'm depressed, I'm alone- because at this point "lonely" isn't what it is, my friends want nothing to do with me, and my best friend probably wishes we had never met with how tired I've made her

, and apparently according to her, I’m depressed for nothing. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost everything important to me, and I have no Idea if I can get it back. And I’ve tried to find an alternative, I told you! We all know how well that went! I feel like I’m stuck in the movie “Groundhog Day”, but 1000 times worse. I’m living like tomorrow might be better, but it never is! 

I don’t know what to do...no one listens, and no one hears. No one sees that I’m NOT OK...and if they do...they don’t care. 

#Depressed #Alone #Lonely #Rant #Hurt #HelpMe #StuckInARut #Advice? #Venting

[thedawningofthehour]

Merry pi day!!! What're the other boys birthdays and why did Splinter pick those? What about Draxum's choice on Dec 10th for Gale's?

HAPPY PI DAY! I asked my mom if I should make a pie and she said no lol. It's just us two (and the bird, who is not allowed pie) so we wouldn't be able to finish it, but I still kind of wanted to make pie.

Donnie and Leo's is March 10th, and I picked that literally because for some reason I saw multiple pieces of fanart where they had that birthday and thought it was just something the fandom agreed on. Apparently not. In retrospect, it would have been funny to make their birthday Pi Day or the Ides of March. Though when I looked up the calendar for March 2019, Pi Day was the Thursday after Daylight Savings Time, which is the day they realize Donnie is missing. So that would have been super depressing. (also yeah it is the anniversary of that today, shit, I should have held the chapter for today)

I haven't decided on concrete dates for the other boys, but Raph is early August and Mikey is late November. This was chosen so both Raph and Mikey are the 'same age' as the twins for a few months out of the year. Splints's birthday is somewhere in January, and April's is around the end of October.

Originally I gave Galois my own birthday, which is the 15th. I felt like that was narcissistic and made it ten days earlier lol. I have no idea why Draxum chose that-it's not when spiny softshells hatch and it's not their mutation day, since that didn't happen until the next year. But he did lie to Galois on how he was 'born' in the first place. I just wanted him to have a December birthday, if I'm being honest.

#doth #doth asks #donatello #leonardo #baron draxum #splinter #raphael #michelangelo #april o'neil

[nopefer-art-tu]

OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST MISSED POSTING ABT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'S ANNIVERSARY???? im gonna get mushy here so if yall wanna skip this go for it i wont hold it against you lol but this movie means a lot to me (if u cant tell) and id just kinda like to share a little bit abt why

I remember when I first saw Brokeback, I'd been either a junior or senior in high school, and I had watched it with my ex. I literally have no clue how we got to watching it or who proposed we watch it in the first place, but I remember that even back then I had been incredibly moved by the story.

Cut to 5-6 years later, and in January of this year I'd been in the midst of a really, super dark depression thanks to some health issues that I've been dealing w for awhile now. It made it so that on top of COVID, I wasn't rly getting out of the house for anything but school, and even then doing that took a really big toll on my anxiety. So basically, from the time that the 2021 winter semester had ended for me in early December, to when school started back up again for the spring in late January, I hadn't left the house at all.

In mid January, like a week before school started back up for me, I was scrolling through Hulu, bored out of my mind and also trying to find something to occupy my time and thoughts w bc I'd been going stir crazy, and I saw that Brokeback had been listed again. I kinda lingered on it because I remember phil (@/senditothemoonn) had watched it like a month or two before and she had started talking abt it in our group chat and posting quotes abt it and stuff, and it had been awhile since I'd seen it so I was like hey! What the hell! Lets give it a watch, its time I watch it again anyways.

And like. Something happened to the world for me after that viewing. It was like it had blown apart, and when it came back together it was completelty rearranged for me.

I'm not entirely sure why that time around the movie has such a deep, DEEP impact on me when I had seen it before, and had been very touched by it back then. I think its partly that a. I never used to watch movies with subtitles, and so before I realized that I probably have issues with the way my mind processes sound, a lot of movie dialogue just kinda. Didn't get internalized by me for some reason? Even now when I rewatch old faves that I haven't seen with subtitles, I'm always astounded by what the hell theyre saying because I had never rly picked up on it before, lol.

And like...I mean if you've seen the movie then you already know this, but their accents and dialect are kinda hard to get through. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Heath as Ennis. Which isn't in any way a jab at him, I think every part of his performance is super thoughtful and well-crafted and every acting choice he makes serves the character in only positive ways. But when you already have issues processing audio, and when you have a character who's jaw is perpetually cleched so tight that the words literally have to "fight" their way out of his mouth, its just like. Not the best combination lol.

And so this time around when I saw the movie, I saw it with subtitles and it opened up a new dimension of the film to me. Honest to God, the first time I watched the movie, I had no idea that the shirts at the end were so signifigant because Jack had stolen Ennis'. I guess the first time I saw it, I didn't catch the part where Ennis talks about having left his damn shirt up there, and Jack just kinda shrugs it off and changes the subject. When I saw that moment this time, it didn't really strike me as anything important until the movie got to the end and you realize that Jack had kept the shirts all those long 20 years and UGH. I literally remember screaming with tears in my eyes, thats what happened to the shirt! There they are! And then when I saw that Ennis had put his shirt over Jack's to hang together on his closet door for the rest of his life? Dead. Dead, I was literally stabbed in the heart 50 million times and killed dead. I'd never made those connections before and now that I had I like. got it, yanno? I got why this was an oscar winner, and why people were sk devastated by its best picture loss. Not that I hadn't before, but it just hit so much harder.

So yeah, the subtitles probably had a lot to do w why its stayed lingering in my mind for a long while, but I also think its because in a few ways it kind of spoke to me and made me think about my health issues and the self-imposed quarantine that I'd put myself through for the better part of a year at that point.

To me, the whole story is about regret, about not taking the chances we have while we have them and having to learn to live with knowledge of the things we didn't let ourselves do and the memories we didn't let ourselves make.

I hadn't seen a lot of my family for awhile at that point because I just didn't want to be out of my house, and its only been recently that I realized how much life I've missed out on living for a good year and a half-ish or so. And like yeah, I have a reason, my health issues and super aggressive anxiety have kinda put me through the ringer. But I dunno like. I kind of empathized and related to Ennis' character in a really odd way, because he also let his fear control what he did and especially what he did not do, and for that, he ended up living a half-life and missed his chance of getting to spend his time with the person he loved the most.

For me, the fear of regret is one of my biggest motivators in doing literally anything. I've realized I don't want to end up like Ennis, isolating myself from my loved ones and missing out on the chance for love and life because of some issues I have. And I mean its not like they're not real issues. Just like the fears that motivated Ennis' actions, theyre very real concerns. But since seeing the movie, I've been a lot more proactive about seeing doctors and trying to get this shit fixed up, because I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I wanna find my Jack, and I wanna be happy, and I wanna live.

Anyways. Happy 17th birthday to my favorite movie in the world <3

#brokeback mountain #still brokeback posting

[weabooweedwitch]

🥰🥰🥰 the weather for my flight to get my passport is perfect, plenty of time between arrival flight and departure flight to get my passport taken care of in case of unforeseen delays while processing amd get back to the airport on time, the flight to Buffalo is perfect, the weather forecast in Canada for my arrival is literally warmer than here in Minnesota, I have all my flights and hotel paid for already, my refund has been approved and should hit my account any day now, AND CAN YOU BELIEVE I'VE BEEN SO FRAZZLED I FORGOT I GOT PAID THIS WEEK???

My trip is still going to happen and I'm gonna have decent money to pay my January rent and still treat my friend to a good time :) and we've been having so many good conversations I'm sure we'll get along although we might be a little awkward at first since we've known each other for so long but haven't actually met before haha

Ah I'm so happy 🥰 I really tried my hardest and I slipped up more than once but I recovered and now everything is right as rain and I am so so so happy and my friend is really happy I didn't give up too ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ this is one of those days that's going so good and I feel happy and energized and motivated and productive and I guess my mental illness and depression has been so severe I was beginning to forget what that felt like ❤

[kierancampire]

I'm sorry this is incredibly long, my anxiety about it all is quite severe as i am so scared they are going to choose to not continue my tenancy once December rolls around, to which i am truly fucked as i have literally nothing if that happens, so i am so scared of it but as stated, i feel being so persistent on this and risking that is worth standing up for myself and doing what i feel is right. So with all that said, i got an automatic response to say the person is out of office, but i just sent this Email to Swan, so no going back now:

I'm sorry if this is not the place to do this, i keep contacting Swan through the feedback form and hearing nothing, so i assume it doesn't work. Can i have this raised to a stage 3 please?

Again, i have had no apology from Swan for giving me the flat the state it was in, especially considering i was given it in Winter and when we had bad storms and all of that was going into my flat. The illnesses i had, the pain i was in, how cold i was, i don't see how any of that met Swans standards.

I still have not received a sincere apology for blaming me for causing the mould, i have been told sorry for "feeling" like the initial response blames me for the mould, and had it denied it does, but when the letter factually in writing states "... all the trickle vents were jammed closed, this was causing the mould." that says nothing about the walls, ceiling, or state of my windows causing it.

I also cannot count the amount of appointments i have had with Axis that have lead literally nowhere, or have lead to me just making other appointments because the current person can't/won't do anything until another issue is sorted. I booked an appointment for my mould wash a month in advance, to have that cancelled on me with no notice, even though i have been trying to get this issue sorted since January/February time. And now even recently, i had an appointment booked with a roofer and it was specifically stated multiple times it was a roofer, to be told a roofer had never been booked to see me. And now, again, when apparently the actual roofer comes over, he didn't do anything, and again, i have been told i need to book an appointment next week to have him over after i have already booked 2 appointments with him. And i have honestly had about 15+ people come and take photos of my mould, only the most recent one actually went to remove it, but couldn't, but then what were all the appointments before that? What have i spent months attempting? I could forgive these if they were individual incidents, but when i have had so many appointments like this over such a long space of time, again, i just don't see a quality of standard there.

Lastly, being honest in a way i maybe shouldn't be. As has been stated previously, i know i maintain my rent, my council tax, i try my best to maintain the property within my capable parameters, to my knowledge no neighbours have complained of me, but i am scared of complaining as i am scared of my tenancy not being continued. But this has taken such a severe toll on my mental health, my anxiety has been the worst it's been in a while, my insomnia has been the worst it's been in a while, I'm still currently trying to come out of a rather severe depression, something i haven't had happen in a while. All of this has purely been from the stress of trying to sort out these issues in my flat, these appointments, the communication issues, and the fact i have been unable to do a lot in my flat due to the state it was in and continues to be in, and also what i went through in Winter. And for me, the risk of what i feel could be a severe future problem is worth trying to be happy and comfortable.

Again, in all honesty, i am scared to say this and to be blunt due to any future repercussions, even though i believe i have done nothing wrong and am just trying to resolve pre-existing issues. But i have always responded to Swan/Axis, I've let you know if appointment times do not work for me, I've maintained being respectful to everyone, I've been friendly or at the very least civil to anyone I've spoken to, I've done as much as i can to maintain my flat and uphold Swans policies and procedures. But i do just constantly feel so disrespected from almost every contact i have had with Swan and Axis, and i know i am one of many tenants that you manage to you, but for me, this is my life, this is my home, and it's had such a heavy impact on me, and when there has been no acknowledgement and no sincere apology for that, it upsets me.

I know i could love living here, this flat is a beautiful flat, it felt good to be here initially, the things i have set up to decorate it are going to look great, and everyone who has seen this flat has loved it for the same reasons i fell in love with it, it could be such a wonderful property. But these issues are holding back its potential and that's what i just want resolved, i want to feel so proud to live here and to be eager to show it off, i want to tell people with pride that it's a Swan property, but i can't do any of that while these issues persist. So can i please have this raised to a stage 3 and can i please just get these things resolved?

I have checked this over a lot as i am scared people would make many alterations to this and my anxiety aboit this all is extremely severe, and i struggle with comunication, especially formal communication, as i never know what is correct to say. So i apologise in advance if anything has seemed too forward or aggressive, that is not my intentions. I truly was and still am so grateful for Swan to allow me to move into this property, and i would happily live here for an extended period of time if Swan agrees, but i do just want these issues resolved. Thank you for your time in reading this and i hope you have a good week.

#personal

[rlljayhon]

a year in review (11/29/22)

feel free to ignore this post, only 3 people might ever see this anyways LMAO but i think it is so silly how similar this last post is going to be to my previous one.

i have been absolutely depressed for like a year post break up lol i quit my job at starbucks after a month and absolutely haven't done shit since then, literally just been bumming it, but i feel fucking great about it. the future is literally going to be the rest of my life, so i figured i would take some time to figure out who I am as a person, and what I want in life. in retrospect, shouldn't have taken this long about it, but fuck you ive never cared about my mental health before so let me take my time

i am very excited to start at csulb in january and kick shit into high gear, time to absolutely RISE AND GRIND (/s) but really its going to feel like a great new chapter and a fresh start.

i have learned that i invest way too hard in a partner, and i should look for someone who appreciates me for just who i am. I do the same for people i like, but i think that its a negative since im too positive and cheery. i think its okay to love someone for who they are, but like, there has to be a limit yknow???

i am kinda talking to new people just in general and it feels really nice :)))))) i feel like i get to blossom again which goes hand in hand with like starting a new chapter n shit. BUT i think im kinda scared of starting like an actual relationship with someone, its weird. I guess im not open to the idea of dating since my baggage would weigh me down and i feel like it wouldn't be fair to the person im talking to but idk im glad im putting myself out there anyways???

ALSO i fucking hate when people who know ive been in a relationship are like ohh are you seeing anyone???? bitch fuckkk no im depressed you have been single for like EVER why am i not allowed to be single for a year huh stop pressing my ass

i guess my internal struggle is like i love being in a relationship but i know i shouldnt be in one rn

anywayss im ready for a breath of fresh air wooo wooo new years here we come my resolution is to always put myself first because god knows i have not done that for 22 years

[clarz-cc-archive]

answered January 27, 2020

Q: Heyyy how r u doing :)

A: i'm pretty good!!! thank you for asking 🥰 i haven't been in much of a sharing mood recently so i haven't had anything to tweet, but i'm still truckin along like usual, Stressed abt bts ticket sales next week! idk sometimes i get in moods where i have thoughts and then they feel like they should stay in my head or like putting them out into the world wouldn't enhance the experience of having them and so instead they just kind of... don't get expressed! which is mostly fine with me! maybe i'm describing clinical depression, i can literally never be sure anymore! but i'm grateful for anyone who's still sent me stuff or tagged me in stuff and expressed that they have a desire to hear my thoughts since that's been a scenario that hasn't seemed plausible to me lately!

#personal stuff