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baksterly · 10 months

Text

“call it fate, call it karma”

part two

18+

part one masterlist

Pairing: GhostFace! Ellie Williams × fem!reader

Summary: Last school year, tests, exams and.. murders are all you think of. But what happens after the killer starts to be interested in you?

A/n: Just a little reminder that I write this fic mostly for myself so yeah.. The title is based on the song "Call it Fate, Call it Carma" by "Strokes"!

Word count: 2.6k

Warnings: smoking, drugs, mentions of killing, blood, swearing, stalking, chasing, murdering, (maybe smut, but not in this part), think that's all?

Tag list?:

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Your morning was hard. The sun blinded your eyes as you sat on the edge of the bed. Chris has taken you in for a while until things calm down. The phone in your hand vibrated with a quiet notification sound. A hand moved closer to your face, your eyes narrowed as you read the small letters on the screen: “Zoe: gm y/n!! how's it going? me and…”. A message from Zoe provoked you to take the phone with both hands.

Sighing heavily, your left hand reached for the bridge of your nose, rubbing your already tightly closed tired eyes. You grunted, removing your hand and opening your eyes slightly, twisting your head back towards the other end of the bed. Chris slept peacefully there. Let it not be at her house that a student of a neighboring school was killed, but she slept without hind legs. You decided not to wake her up and wait for her to wake up on her own. Turning your gaze back to the window through which the overcast sun burst. It was light outside, but the clouds were pitch gray. Such a nasty and dreary shade of gray. Looking at it, you wanted to forget everything in the world and, with your head wrapped under the covers, fall asleep as soon as possible. Instead, you unexpectedly stood up and walked into the living room.

Quietly passing through, you reached the armchair, silently sat down, took the remote control and turned on the TV without hesitation. You immediately turned off the sound so as not to wake your friend. Aimlessly scrolling through the channels, you stumble upon a news station and .. is this your house? Yes, this is a report from the scene of the murder. As soon as you began to move away from thoughts about yesterday's event, it was as if you were shown everything again on purpose. You felt so fucked up, and your eyes began to fill with tears

*notification sound on phone*

The first thing you thought was that it was Zoe who wrote that she and Jessie were almost there, but what you definitely didn't expect was a message from Ellie Williams. Your eyebrows furrowed and for a while you just looked at the screen, trying to understand what she could write. You even thought that maybe she had the wrong number, but still you decided to stop your guessing and click on the chat with a new notification. You forgot that her number was written in your phone and .. there was a puppy smiley next to the name. The number was written down on the very day that after her game you went to the infirmary due to her inattention.

On the one hand, Ellie did not say anything that could embarrass you, or cause such emotions that you experienced at the moment when you turned off the phone and literally threw it towards the sofa opposite. Your palms covered your reddened face.

��She knew I was at every game she played?? And what did this "for me" mean?! Does she know that I look at her the most during the match? It can't be, it's impossible! How does she know that..” Thoughts raced through your head at the speed of light, and anxiety only grew. “No, don’t make it up, she just said it out of politeness, nothing like that, yes. But she wanted to write to me after all this!! Was she thinking of me? It means something? No, she was just bored .. Cheerleaders constantly walk around her, most likely she really wrote out of being a good friend, like her offer to hang out”. And on that final thought, your attention was caught by footsteps and a loud yawn that came from behind you.

Sleepy Chris left the room. She stopped a couple of meters from you, pulling one hand high up, stretching, and the other automatically covering her mouth from a yawning. A second later, she did a little morning exercise, turning her head and straightening her shoulders, after which she moved on and sat right in front of you with a greeting that was almost whispered due to her sleepy state.

-“Good morning hon” she said, pulling out her phone to see what time is it. Then her gaze lifted and focused on your tired face. You looked at Chris, waiting to hear something.

-"How do you feel?" she asked. There was a strong sympathy and maybe even sadness in her voice. Her eyebrows slightly raised and closed, making her look more worried. She silently looked at you, waiting for an answer and crossed her arms over her chest.

-“To be honest, I feel really shitty,” you breathed in, then laughed nervously. You did not know how to explain what you felt in that second, but you knew one thing for sure - you were not well. Your slightly reddened from rolling tears, plaintive eyes dropped to the floor.

Such an abundance of stress did not allow you to keep in yourself one tear that quickly rolled down your cheek. Your hand immediately reached out to erase the wet trace with your fingers, simultaneously wiping your nose and sniffing. Chris of course noticed this, she looked at you without taking her eyes off.

-"Oh no, baby, don't.." Her words were so tender that it brought two more tears. From a relaxed sitting position, you leaned your chest against your knees, covering your face with your hands. Chris immediately jumped up from her seat, vases you on the sides of your face and knelt in front of you to be at the level of your eyes. Her hands gently lifted your head, your palms lowered, revealing your face, which expressed only complete despair.

-“Hey, look at me, I'm with you, shhh,” she muttered, approaching your ear. Her hands moved to your shoulders, and then closed on your back, pulling you into a strong hug.

Your trembling voice abruptly interrupted the sound of your sniffing nose:

-“I just don’t understand why me, why now??”. Chris pulled away from your face, looking straight into your eyes that had so avoided her.

- "I know bunny, this is extremely unfair.. You don't deserve this, this is all very wrong, I'm so sorry.. but we can handle it! Do you hear?”

She firmly grabbed your shoulders as she rose from her knees. Your eyes went up with her.

-"We'll get through it, I know that for sure!"

You laughed softly, sniffing again and wiping your wet eyes with your wrist.

-"Yes, I hope.. I need time to accept it.. We all need it." You smiled again and Chris smiled back at you.

-"That's my girl!"

Three knocks on the door interrupted your sentimental moment and your friend immediately went to the door, while you actively began to wipe your face on the T-shirt you were wearing.

-"Hey sleepyheads!!!! Rise and shine!!"

-"We brought you breakfast!!"

Zoe and Jessie canceled out all your anxiety with just one appearance.

- "Hi guys, come in" Chris met them. The guests immediately began to look around for you. You thought that your eyes were no longer so red and your face did not look teary, but as soon as the eyes of your friends finally found yours, sympathy immediately appeared on their faces.

-"y/n, hii- oh no, are you crying??" Jessie's worried voice sounded, who, while holding bags of food, jumped up, and putting all his things on the sofa, came to hug you.

You immediately stood up to greet your friends and to make sure he was comfortable and didn't lean over. Jesse squeezed you into a strong hug and you felt someone hug you from the side too.

-"Don't worry y/n, we'll help you, everything will be fine" came the words of Zoe, who kissed you on the forehead. You stood like that for a couple more seconds, after which you were released and you silently exhaled.

-"Hi guys, thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me, I could not wish for more, y’all are simply the best" you said through a smile that appeared as imperceptibly as tears protruding from the edges of your eyes, but this time they were only tears of joy.

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Friends spent the whole day with you. In addition to food and groceries, they brought school assignments. Even in this situation, you have not forgotten the school curriculum. And no wonder. You worked so hard that forgetting everything in a couple of days would be simply unforgivable! Therefore, you have allocated a couple of hours for homework. It began to gradually get dark outside the window, by that time you all had already had dinner and decided to drink cherry beer. You never liked to drink, rather to try, but without noticing it, you poured yourself more and more all this time. Friends noticed this, but they felt it was right to let you forget a little and relax. They understood how hard it was for you and did not want to break the buzz.

At this rate, at 7 pm you were already a little drunk, not enough to stagger when you stand, but enough to stop filtering and distinguishing between what you say and your own thoughts.

-“Do you guys know Ellie? Elia Williams?” you suddenly asked what made everyone at the table make an inquiring expression on their faces.

"Isn't that the girl who plays for our rugby school’s team by any chance?" asked Zoe.

-"Yeah, it's her," you replied, shaking your head positively. And just as you wanted to tell them something about her, your phone vibrated once again during the day.

*one new message from “EllieW🐶”*

- “Wow .. remember the sun, here is a ray, as they say ..” Everyone listened carefully, waiting to hear who wrote to you.

-"Everything is fine? Who’s that?" Chris asked. Every time you received a notification or someone called, Chris listened carefully and clarified who it was, she was very afraid that some anonymous person would write to you again and therefore she was very vigilant. After a little thought, you answered that it was nothing special, some kind of spam, but you didn’t immediately put the phone down, wrote something in response, only then putting the phone on the table.

-"So what's up with this Ellie?" Jesse asked impatiently. Was he angry? His annoyed tone surprised you, even though you knew Jesse had some prejudice against Ellie.

And not only to her. Jesse cherished you very much, he was like an older big brother to you, so he tried to protect you from unwanted people in advance before they could enter your life.

-“Oh, yes, I just remembered, nothing else” you quickly replied, as if you remembered her from scratch. Everyone except Jesse ignored your strange behavior, brushing everything off for cherry beer.

A chat with Ellie was all you could think about now. Everyone switched to the next topic while you had a moment of happiness.

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Literally five minutes later, Zoe and Jessie left, it was already late and the work week was not over yet, so they did not want to stay up late. You went to change and warned Chris in advance that you would be out for the next couple of hours, you need to go and pick up a couple of personal items from the house that you need. Of course you lied. The truth was that Ellie had already arrived and was waiting for you around the corner. Your friend reacted absolutely calmly, she understood that it was necessary and did not stand in your way. She was not one of the inquisitive friends. In this matter, you have always been easy with her.

You said goodbye to Chris and went out on the threshold of the house, closing the door behind you. Ellie wrote that she would be waiting nearby and the number of the car. You walked a couple of meters forward and trampled on the spot and looked around you saw her, after which you immediately headed towards her. Ellie stood leaning on her car. The tattooed hand that caught your attention again wrapped around her waist while the other brushed the joint away from her soft lips.

-“Hii !!,” your voice didn’t sound drunk, but rather tired and cheerful at the same time, which contradicted each other.

Turning her head to the other side, her eyes met the floor, she quickly exhaled a cloud of smoke and said hello:

- “Sup, long time no see hahah” she joked, hinting at yesterday's party, which you also managed to forget about by the way.

-“Yeah, I miss you already,” you replied. You wanted it to sound like a joke too, but your words came out a little sincere than you thought, which made Ellie a little blush.

-“So, are you ready for a ride and adventure??” she asked, looking directly at you into your eyes.

-"Hell yeah!!" You answered, raising your hands in fists in the air and rejoicing that you still accepted and trusted her offer ...

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Part three in process…

#ellie x reader #ellie the last of us #ellie x you #ellie x y/n #tlou ellie #ellie tlou #ellie x fem reader #ellie smut #ellie williams #ghostface!ellie #ghostface!elliewilliams #the last of us au #the last of us

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greysfall · 3 years

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My 4444-word review of NEO TWEWY (with personal illustration + heavy spoilers)

My overall critical score for the game is 7.5/10, while my personal enjoyment score is 8.5/10. This review is posted as I have 80% completed the game, got the secret ending and achieved the Angel psychic rank. I’ll first start with the main pros and cons as follows.

PROS:

- Enjoyable as a whole, still upholding the first game’s spirit in world building and sharing the same backbone - which was mostly revealed in the Secret Reports, it’s impossible to grasp the story without reading them.

- The new cast and new game is charming in their own way

- The old cast’s return is one of the biggest highlights for sure, it was fun and impactful. Everyone stays true to themselves and also had their own stories wrapped up nicely.

- Boss designs are cool, new pins are fun to use and collect

- The connection between the old and new cast is well written and executed, including but are not limited to the tension between the old and new protagonist, the weird but fun interaction between the 2 Composers, the new friendships revealed and formed

- Sho being in the main cast is something so uniquely TWEWY and uniquely Sho

- Still good music

- Still many fun side quests, some of them really uphold the same quirky spirit of the old game and some are surprisingly touching

- Many new nice stores and yummy looking foods to explore

- The map is really easy to memorize for me, it’s fun to travel around the “current” Shibuya to see all the differences compared to the past

- The social network is crazy and interesting to read through

- Has an anti-frustration system to help 100% complete the game more easily and earn money faster, so post-game is relatively managable.

- Overall, I really feel the efforts the team poured into making this as their passion project, not just during the development process but for all the last 14 years. They showed the vision of what they wanted to make, at the same time giving something to both the old as well as new fans.

CONS:

- The biggest problem with the game is scenario writing. The story is so heavily back-loaded. The director himself thought it would be better to balance out the tension flow by adding more at the beginning but gave in to the scenario writer in the end, probably due to time pressure. This results in an underwhelming execution of characterization and lots of wasted potentials for the first half of the game.

- I struggle to view it as a stand-alone game, since the backstory and the old cast both play such an important role in the core of the game. If someone plays this game without having played the OG, they can only enjoy it on surface value at best.

- The new cast is nice but most of them aren’t quite as intriguing as the old cast, maybe it’s cuz they’re all too nice deep down that they lack a little bit of an edge, of that batshit craziness that everyone in the OG used to have? I think some characters (Fret, Nagi) ended up weaker in terms of characterization because the writer is too afraid of making them unlikeable – which kind of backlashed cuz they only became likable in the most expectable way to cater for a specific group of fans. I would have wished for the other team leaders to be more crazy too, had they not suffered 30+ loops of the Game…

- The CAMERAWORK IS HELL.

- Gameplay does get tedious at certain points with all the time travels.

- Shiba is so badly written as a villain, some Shinjuku characters should be given more screentime cutting into Shiba’s– like Hishima or Kaie or even, Hazuki (though his limited presence also solidified his importance).

- Some of the main character designs, for example Beat’s hairstyle and his food reactions are hilariously bad. What’s the point of covering up most of his unique facial features?

- Some of the minor/side characters’ design are too cool for them to have such a small role (eg: Ayano, Eiru). Ryoji did get much screentime but is nowhere as fun as Makoto was.

- Overall the scope of this game is made a little too big for the team to handle as perfectly as the last game that was very compact, it felt somewhat rushed in development too so the missing pieces are clearly there in the final picture

The entry fee versus paying for it all in the end

An important difference between the Neo game and the original Shibuya game was that the Shibuya rule asked for an entry fee that is the Player’s most important asset, stated as a chance the Composer gives them to reexamine themselves. Meanwhile, the Shinjuku rule neither encourages nor allows personal growth and ultimately aims to erase as many Players as possible. It’s a pity we were never introduced to the full Shinjuku rulebook, as it seems like the system there focuses more on building up power and a grand government to compare with the individuality-driven system of Shibuya.

When you have to compare the new game and the original game (OG), this is an important factor to consider. Also, the OG has a serious storyline running through and through, locked with a different partner/GM creating unique atmosphere for each week and you don’t get to see your old partners again until the end. NEO’s team system does not allow such deep insight and communication between the Players. All of your teammates are always there throughout, the dynamic does change with each new addition but it is not as prominent as a partner change.

Another important factor is how the OG was built from scratch for a new platform as “something no one has ever seen before”, while Neo recycled a lot of old unused ideas from the previous development (check out this interview for more details). The development team for NEO lacks 2 key members and had a change of writer so the final product is not as strongly bound together as the last game.

The new cast is definitely inspired by today’s teenagers (from the view of creators), compared to the old cast they’re more sociable and always seem to take whatever works for them despite feeling unstable inside. They are all innocent and genuinely nice kids, avoiding to hurt each other to a degree that they end up keeping some sort of distance. They’re also unable to communicate at deeper levels, always stagnant at this half-baked stage of equilibrium without any motivation to get to the core of things. That is the cost of entering the game without an entry fee, without even dying or having a reason to be there/to fight seriously. These kids were stolen from the RG into a Game that was decidedly the worst environment for them to change or develop, just wandering around cluelessly to find a way “out” until tragedies started to unfold one by one and they ended up being charged the total sum of the price for their actions – ultimately losing everything in the end.

That is, I believe, a story arc which can resonate more to the youth of today rather than of my generation. If the message of the old game was to “listen”, enjoy life to the fullest and accept to trust others, the message of the new game is to “speak up” from the inside, trying to understand yourself and take actions instead of just going with the flow and finally, to take responsibility for such actions.

If Neku was handpicked by the Composer for being the special one with an all-dense soul to ensure victory of the game then Rindo was just a normal kid chosen out of random by Kubo to be his back-up plan, who just happened to have a high enough imagination to awaken the incredible power from his pin. Rindo was then officially chosen by the Composer as Josh picked up and handed the pin to him again, this time not as Josh’s personal Proxy – but as the Proxy to represent the normal people of Shibuya and via whom he could gamble if humans can fight for their own fate.

The underworld heroine and the hero with little of his own

Shoka is for me a refreshing and layered heroine. She’s the kind of character that took at least 3 trials of creators to form as a complete individual – that included Nomura who gave her the base design and Reaper background, Gen who gave a more cunning touch and the writers who made her English dialogues more punchy. Dishonesty equals “tsundere” is such a cliché, so the English writers tried really hard to avoid that trope in my opinion, while still letting her good intention come through.

She serves as the character who is informed of everything the players should have known, and there was almost nothing she could do about it. Almost. Until she met Rindo.

They were drawn to each other by sharing a state of “not having anything of their own”. They both started out with not being able to truly know themselves, Shoka even hated her RG life but also managed to mature from that stage before Rindo. She must have vibed with Shiki’s love and passion in the Gatto Nero threads, initiating her connection with Shibuya and understanding herself more. With Shoka as Swallow, they were able to open up to each other and offer mental support… but was still not getting to the centre of their problems because for all this time, Shoka could not tell Rindo the most important things about herself.

How did Shoka feel when she met Rindo at the UG? She probably didn’t want to hope that he would live the day until she witnessed the Twisters’ potentials. From the very beginning, they were both incredibly conscious of each other and also constantly frustrated that the person they happened to “notice” was such a condescending bitch/a clueless loser. The Shinjuku Reapers are overall quite drunk in power and uncompassionate to Players, Shoka included. She is also a master of dissociation, which results in her constant boredom, tone swings, haughtiness and subconsciously distancing herself from the friend – the boy she cares about – from false hope, as she judged from facts that it was a hopeless situation where nothing could ever be. Maybe she is naturally a bit of a chameleon just like her name suggests (Shoka 紫陽花 = hydrangea, the color-changing flower), so putting on an act and always dissociating herself from what’s important was easy, while hiding her contradiction was impossible. It was the ex-Reaper Beat who broke it out to her, that she should decide whether she really cared and wanted to do something for a change. He knew how it felt like to cross that line, and knew she wanted to too.

Shoka is endeared by many of the Shinjuku Reapers and has shown independent acts of kindness (the Shinjuku ghost), proving that her kind and truthful side is as real as her harsh and dishonest side – which makes her a nice mirror to the previous heroine Shiki, who also embraced a dichotomy of self-complex and self-love within her character. In the end, she was the first of the new cast to ultimately accept all that is important to her and independently made the decision to help save Shibuya despite all costs.

She was jealous at Rindo’s interaction with Tsugumi and Kanon but remained silent cuz she wasn’t at a place to have any say about it. She also didn’t reveal about Swallow because that would only add an awkward irrelevance to their current situation, as she was too ready to face erasure at the end of the Game. She only wished to “play a game” with him, be it FanGo or the Reapers’ Game. The tension that the team could only feel at the end, she’s felt it the entire time. The song “DIVIDE” is applicable to not just one bond in the game, but it always makes me think of theirs. There is always a “divide” between her and Rindo throughout the course of their journey, as the living and the dead, as a Player and Reaper, as someone who has a place to return to and someone who doesn’t, someone who knows little but wields too much power and someone who knows a lot despite not being able to do much.

“If only I had the chance to connect with you on the other side

But time goes on, and without us realizing it

The battle is getting heated

Time goes on, and without us realiazing it

Divided again”

To be honest, maybe I didn’t grow any affection for the new main cast from Rindo’s perspective but from Shoka’s. Since I started to sympathize with Shoka, I started to see the boy in a more “real” way. The real Rindo, behind his peaceful façade with others, would lash out on Shoka for her unfairly harsh attitude while none of the others cared. He could also subtly feel that mantle of unspoken secrets from her, her own contradictions, the unresolved chemistry between themselves – and not knowing what to do with it rather than to feel angry with all the unfairness he could not process. (As a Libra too, he’s triggered the most by unfairness!)

It is actually a positive development as he’s at least “reacting” to something strongly now rather than to keep evading his problems. During my replay, I clearly saw the difficult situation Shoka was in, her remaining harshness after the Motoi incident was due to her internal struggle with a mission to save her own life, versus a chance to really be with the team. Her decision was to do both at the risk of losing favour from both sides. Rindo started to accept her layer by layer, as the person who resonated the most to her contradicting nature from the start and knew that via learning her resolve, he has learnt his too.

Later into the game, she even got too much of his attention. Maybe even without knowing she’s Swallow, he’s familiar with her thinking direction and Swallow had always been closer to him than any other friend. It was only after she had to betray her important ones twice that she could start being truly honest. The scene when she died a 2nd time left a strong impression in me, the little reveal let Rindo know that he is also losing Swallow as he’s losing Shoka – and that only death could drive the last secret out of her. Her final “Later, loser” echoed through Rindo as it was the final truth, with only him remaining to hear it: they had actually, already lost everything.

Rindo was the boy who never dared to face all that matters to him until he lost it all, fighting an unfair battle in the faith that they would somehow still win. Shoka was the girl who always knew what was dear to her, but never dared to think she could be together with them ever after and still threw her all into a battle she knew was losing. I think they stir each other on naturally to fill out their gaps, similar to what the Shibuya game partner systerm would have aimed for. The end reward was a little divine intervention to help close up the divide between them once and for all.

During the game there was not enough space to process anything personal so at the ending when they officially became “friends”, it was an important affirmation of their bond. Some people complained it was friendzoning but it’s not, they just have arrived at the perfect place to start something more. “From now on, we will truly be together” – I read it as that kind of message.

The heroine from a lost battle, with her story taken away

After reading the secret reports and playing the game to be surprised of how small a role Tsugumi had in the main game despite being the “Hype-chan” thought to be a major character of the next TWEWY installment, many fans would feel sad at a missed opportunity to see the Shinjuku arc in full depiction.

It was shown clearly that, a Shinjuku arc was very carefully planned out and is a vital part of the whole story, yet it could not be made due to various circumstances behind the development scene. I would assume, that the team were not able to make a TWEWY game that ended on a despairing note, but it already happened in their mind, thus becoming a mental burden that forced them to break away from it and started the game anew with NEO. A significant part of NEO became the healing arc for the Shinjuku characters, especially for Tsugumi though I really wished more emphasis should have been placed on her rather than Shiba. We didn’t even get to see her brother – Shinjuku’s Conductor who had a vital role and instead was given the clueless Shiba, who had absolutely no idea what’s going on all the way until the last day in NEO. It’s as if Tsugumi has had her story stolen away from her, because her own battle ended with a saddening loss.

I think every time the game creators look at Tsugumi, they would feel that sadness too. Maybe to them, she is a bigger character than what is seen by the fans, as despite their failed effort to depict her story, she’s lived in their mind for all these years through periods of destruction, healing and rebuild. Though it is a pity we could not get to experience the full scope of the Shinjuku story, the creators was clear about the place they wished for it to arrive at.

Individuality, connection and the social network

The team system adapted from Shinjuku rulebook does not allow much room for personal development, as the team dynamic is closer to a work relationship forced to bear results, than a spiritual bond to max out all corners of understanding as found in the partnership system. The old Shibuya system allowed only 1 winner and 1 week limit per game, while the new rule declares for a 1 winning team and only the team at last place will be erased – the other teams will enter another loop. Furthermore, whichever team to challenge the unwinnable Ruinbringers will face the risk of ending up dead last followed by erasure. As a result, the longest-standing teams are most likely not the strongest ever recorded, but the ones who have figured out a strategy to simply survive until something changes, enjoying their newly found social constructs while they are at it. Basically, it is a system to hypnotise players into the illusion that they are still “living”.

Therefore, we as players would not get to the core of each Player individually as fast and directly as we did in the last game. The Twisters were able to stand out not because they’re powerful, they only started to have a real chance after growing enough to each form a meaningful and personal connection to another teammate. It did not come as a team, nor did it intiate from the existing friendship between Rindo and Fret. In fact, I did not find much solidity or anything truly note-worthy about the main team and new characters within themselves until they started clashing with other team members, Reapers and new recruits from week 2 onwards. Rindo found his personal development with Shoka (via a clash with Motoi and pretty much a mini dating sim between them), then via the confrontation of his role with Neku; Fret found his with Kanon then Nagi, the team learned about the real Neku via Beat, Neku entered the UG via Coco’s wish to save Tsugumi… it was not the team but their personal links that empowered them to fight and solve each of their problems.

The other team leaders may have failed because they did not form such personal links, after 30+ hopeless loops Fuya’s team all fell apart to pursue their own interest even at the cost of erasure, Motoi quit his KOL façade to work like a dog for the Reapers (probably to save just his own ass not his team), while Kanon dropped her tricks to find changes via honest cooperation in acceptance of a fair loss. The despairing note in that is huge without making much of a scene because their failure didn’t happen at their best effort to “win”, but in their last attempt to find a way “out”. Even Shiba got his way “out” in the end thanked to his personal friendship with Hishima and Tsugumi.

Something has shifted in the mindset of the game creators in the last 14 years, as both games are about “connection vs individuality” but the last game focuses more on connection between just individuals and this one on the overall network that is formed out of those individual connections.

The introduction of Beat into the main cast was truly the bridge between old and new, they helped each other out in several turns before officially recruiting him. Beat is a character whom a lot of fans including myself have felt somewhat concerned about after Neku disappeared from the RG, so when the new kids welcomed Beat with warm and organic interaction and Beat seemed happy, I started to feel like I wanted to help them out too! I think the overall team chemistry is enjoyable enough for new players, but I could warm up to the new kids more from the pov of a returning character – whom I’m glad to be Beat, as the older brother figure who is genuinely kind, fun, serious and upbeat at the same time; who is needed and needs the kids in return.

The social network is a fun and refreshing feature. You can read all of the crazy tidbits about Shibuya and the links each character have formed with the town people, it’s also fun to visualize how the characters act off screen. Characters’ profiles provide extra insight into their background too, like how it reveals Tsugumi has been friend with Coco during her time in the RG. During the game when not all characters have showed up, you can sometimes guess which empty spot will belong to whom. For example there is a 1 character linking to Neky that is not linked to anyone else, so I could guess that was Joshua, and that another character linking only to Joshua was probably Hazuki, hinting that the 2 Composers are related before either of them even showed up.

Hazuki only showed up for 5 minutes, but his presence is so vital and true to the game that I think he is the most memorable out of the new cast. The two Composers have such an intriguing bond, with their yin/yang or phoenix/dragon themes, opposite color design, the sempai/kouhai tone and the way they keep some sort of distance/work relationship as if it’s mandatory between Higher beings, yet at the same time they can talk so casually because they are truly equal – and different from one another. I have written a separate meta on them here.

Some people pointed out, that all Shinjuku characters’ names and themes are based off Hanafuda cards and the Phoenix in Hanafuda belongs to the Paulownia suit – which is Joshua’s name flower. This is so interesting because it feels like the creators somehow saw it as a sign to interweave the Shibuya and Shinjuku storylines together. Though it doesn’t come out much on the surface, it’s fascinating nonetheless considering both Josh and Haz had at some point interfered with the other town’s affairs.

“Shibuya tour with Haz” was such a special scene, as it happened between 2 characters who do not/no longer have a reason to care about Shibuya, on the subject of what is worth saving about Shibuya. Hazuki carried out the purification of Shinjuku and stepped in to restore Shibuya just as part of his job and unlike Hanekoma or Joshua who both possess profound understanding of humanity, he really didn’t know humans at all. Rindo’s irrational wish invoked in him a sense of curiosity, to try gambling on something irrationally and learning a bit of what his senior have experienced. With all the pieces put together, it provides an overview on Higher beings as a whole, and that Joshua and Hanekoma are really the odd ones out with Hazuki being somewhere in between them and the rest.

The old friends

It’s easy to have returning characters overshadow the new cast as they have already matured out of their personal story arc and stayed in our hearts for all this time. In the end, I have managed to enjoy both the old and new cast separately and altogether, and they will both find their own place in our memory of this game for the long term.

Sho is truly as crazy as ever, the game wouldn’t be the same if Sho is any less of what he is. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like Neky or Beat is younger than Nagi at all, with moments when it seems like Neky has aged 14 years instead of 3 years. His friendship with Coco surprised me pleasantly, and their interaction together with Beat was fun to watch. Rhyme’s found a new dream and her friendship with Kaie is precious too, especially considering that she can still talk to him online after the game ended. Josh and Neku’s interaction suggested that they have resolved the past and are on equal terms now, they even parted ways in good spirit and I don’t feel any worry about them like I did before.

Neku and Shiki’s reunion scene was beautiful, theirs is such a special bond that it has grown and supported them even without being able to see each other. I am so happy to see them all again and that they stay true to who they are, albeit looking more grown up, cooler and happier than ever before.

Overall, NEO can’t become a classic on par with the OG, but is definitely a good sequel and a good game in its own rights. I’m happy with whether or not there will be a 3rd game to complete the 3 monkeys theme, but if there will be – I hope the creators can really find the time to learn from the last 2 games and start over with a fresh mindset and strong core.

#neotwewy #neotwewyspoilers #ntwewy #ntwewy spoilers #neo the world ends with you #twewy #review #meta #neo twewy #shoka sakurane #rindo kanade #tsugumi matsunae

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fuck-customers · 3 years

Text

I was working at a gas station to have some spare money for college, let's call it 8-Twelve. At first the manager was understanding of my availability and worked around it, even transferring me to a store closer to my home during winter break.

But after that break he became a real ass. I had to ASK for two days off a week just to do my school work, and I ONLY got those two days off. I didn't get to go home and see my family for months. Plus if something happened at work, all of a sudden it's my fault. The delivery driver didn't bring an important item that makes scanning the stuff in impossible to do? OP wait on 3rd, you're obviously doing something wrong. (3rd later called the manager back and told him there is not way in hell it was my fault) Hell one day during the morning shift (why they scheduled a college student to come in at 6 am is beyond me) I noticed that a co-worker was supposed to come in and he wasn't there. I tried calling my manager and assistant manager but no one answered. Apparently he took me asking why he wasn't there as "I"M BY MYSELF SOSOSOSO" when another co-worker was with me. No one told me they switched his shift from 6-2 to 10-6.

After that I was transferred to another store downtown, in a real sketchy neighborhood. He said "I'm sending a few people there because cooperate is cutting hours. Bullshit, I was the only one there. After like a week or two I got really sick, and thought it was C19, so I left work Sunday and ended up better by Thursday. But I was going to be out of town that weekend so I let that manager know since I had plans, and I had that day off scheduled at my original store off and they let her know. Her response? "You obviously just don't want to work" I said fuck it, I'm done with this company and gave my two week notice.

I didn't make those two weeks. A few days after I quit, I was on a night shift with the assistant manager. Now when I was called in a few month back she was walking in a boot and explained she was recovering from a hairline fracture. But when I walked in her boot was off and she had made herself a seat on the counter. Ok I guess it's still sore.

So after an hour, we're slammed with people wanting money orders, since it's the first week of the month and they want to pay bills. I've got a line almost to the door and she's picking up every third customer, since she was just on her phone the whole time, when she suddenly says "Ok I can't take it I need to get my boot." AND SHE LEAVES ME TO GO HOME AND GET THE FUCKING BOOT. Like??? I honestly think she just wanted to leave since it was busy, because if you were concerned about your healing foot you'd keep the boot nearby! At least in your car!

Plus she left me not only swamped, but completely liable! At 8-Twelve we can't even have 10s or 20s in our tills for long periods of time without being a safety risk, so when 5 people give me like, hundreds of dollars at once I'm a sitting duck to be robbed! Even when she came back she didn't help long lines, in fact she waited for there to be like, two people left and come back.

Not only that, but she kept the door bell's volume at maximum while also playing her music on full blast right behind me. I have sensory issues already, and get chronic migraines. So her blasting two annoying sounds at once, along with the sun being directly in my eyes, and the southern heat in March left me completely overloaded.

But that isn't even the worse thing! Later a customer came in and forgot what pump he was on, and I couldn't see it because there was a shelf in front of the window, and instead of him going back to see, my -coworker came around to see, since she was about to start labeling the clearance stuff on the other side of the counter anyway. Well seeing her in that boot walking set this customer off. He started going off at me, saying how awful I am for making her walk while she's on that boot, and that people like me are going to hell. And the whole time she's standing right next to him and LETTING HIM. He publicly humiliated me and she just let him. After I clocked off that night I sent the GM this long message about how because of everything above that happened that night, that I will not be returning to finish the two weeks. And her response? "Ok"

I fucking hate retail

#submissions #fuck customers #fuck co-workers #fuck retail #fuck coworkers #fuck managers #submission

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marrys-dream-world · 3 years

Text

if we’re bound to be something, why not together? (chapter 11)

Read on AO3

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Notes: Double update to cheer up a bit! This chapter turned out much longer than I thought it would be, almost double the size of other chapters. No content warning, just fluff! The song "Blueming" by IU, I think this fits this chapter a lot so if you want a song to listen while you read, it's that! Day 11: Voice Mail/Phone calls. @ladynoirjuly

After their last patrol, Ladybug sent Chat Noir a link through their communicators.

[Download this!!] She sent along with it, eagerly waiting for him.

[As my lady commands : D] He sent back almost immediately.

That talk had been a bit of an eye-opener to Marinette. She was getting to know Chat Noir more and more each day and she treasured every bit of information she got, jealousy holding it close to chest, hesitating to write it even in her diary. He was a quiet student during class, he had a friend whose name was definitely not Sallie (ugh), his father was distant, his mother and mother-figure were out of reach. He was lonely. All this information was worrying, just not as much as what she learned that night. At that moment, with him shaking in her arms, she made a decision.

Being there for him just as Ladybug wasn't going to cut it anymore.

This idea wasn't anything new, she had been playing with it in her mind for a while now. So when she sent him a chat room code through her communicator with other instructions and detransformed, she was fairly confident it would work. Picking up her phone, she smiles as she saw that there was already a message.

My lady!! <3 <3 <3

down, Chaton. :)

I'm just mdlaomqnahsbsk

Is it okay, though? Talking like this?

yeah, i've been testing this app with RR and it's fine, there's no way we'll leak our numbers or anything like that to each other. don't worry ;)

This app is to warn each other about attacks and schedule meetings? Are you going to add RR to the chat?

nah, i'll just make one for the 3 of us. this is one for us to talk and stuff, doesn't need to be about job things.

The "CN is typing…" kept it's place on the screen for enough time for her to start getting worried.

You don't need to force yourself for my sake, bug. I don't want to bother you.

Marinette thought about making a joke. The situation, however, didn't seem right for it.

you never bother me.

His response came almost immediately.

You never texted me before.

guess i'll have to learn what's the maximum amount of cat memes a person can humanely send per day

Is that a challenge, my lady?

;) ;) ;)

just remember to not blow up my phone, we have class

I'll use my powers for good, don't worry : D

Marinette smiled and put down her phone, fixing up her bag for the next day on the chance (certainty) that she would wake up late the next day. When she picked the phone up again, there was a single text:

Thank you, bug. Good night.

He was absolutely unstoppable after that. Next morning, as she was brushing her teeth, her cell phone pinged with the telling sound from the app and she smiled as she opened the app on her phone.

Look, look, we can change each other's names.

good to know

You changed "CN" 's name to "Chat-terbox"

Chat-terbox

You know me so well. Soulmates.

Chat-terbox changed your name to "lady of my heart"

lady of my heart

yeah, i should have seen that coming, that's on me.

oh yeah, gm

Chat-terbox

Good morning <3 <3 <3

Are you in class already?

Marinette froze in place, eyes snapping to the clock. There was only ten minutes before the class started. She bolted, barely noticing if she had on the right shoes or if her jacket matched her pants. So much for being an aspiring designer. Marinette blurred past the kitchen, taking a croissant and a banana and cramming them into her mouth as she ran. She made it to the classroom in the middle of the roll call, not even stopping by the lockers.

“Thanks for joining us, Marinette.” Ms. Bustier said dryly. “Please take a seat.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” She answered, out of breath. Sitting down, she took out her tablet and noticed another message making her phone screen glow.

Chat-terbox

Is everything okay?

lady of my heart

i made it late in class but the teacher let me in hehehe

i think she's used to it *forehead sweatdrop emoji*

Chat-terbox

Hahaha a friend of mine just did the same thing, you two are twins

lady of my heart

let me guess… Sallie *eyeroll emoji*

Chat-terbox

I mean, yeah, but why the eyeroll???

lady of my heart

you just talk too much about her, don't you think

Chat-terbox

You sound just like Plagg.

lady of my heart

maybe bc we're right

Chat-terbox

Why does that bother you? Jealous? *eyes emoji*

lady of my heart

as if *kicks u*

Chat-terbox

You kick your partner? You kick his body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for my lady! Jail for my lady for One Thousand Years!

lady of my heart

since my fate is already decided *kicks u again*

Chat-terbox

Nooooooooo

A giggle escaped her mouth.

"Marinette?" Ms. Bustier raised an eyebrow. "Something you want to share with the class?"

"N-no, ma'am." She answered, face heating up. Marinette quietly put her phone away, ignoring Alya's prying eyes.

She only opened the app again during the break between classes, moving away from a curious Alya to hang by Kim and Alíx.

Chat-terbox

I'll assume you're actually paying attention to class, which is great. You probably need it to make up all those crazy plans ;)

SM beaten by ninth grade physics

Hey, boo, did you see this one SM identity theory video making rounds on the internet?

Marinette frowned.

lady of my heart

there's nothing new on the ladyblog

Chat-terbox

Oh, it's not on the Ladyblog, here

She opened the video as quickly as she could before Ms. Bustier came back, only from the sound to make Kim and Alíx burst out into laughter.

lady of my heart

i opened it in my class I hate u so muuuuuch ughhhhhh

Chat-terbox

C'mon, boo, it was funny

lady of my heart

>: (

Chat-terbox

: 3

This time, she willingly put her phone away.

On the next break, she tried to ignore the pinging from her phone. However, curiosity killed the cat(‘s lady).

Chat-terbox

Please don't be mad, my lady, I have written you a lengthy apology to make up for sins

File attachment: apology letter for my beloved.doc

lady of my heart

if it's another rickroll i swear to god i'll END you

Chat-terbox

You can see it's not a video, it's safe to open

Scout's honor

lady of my heart

u were never a scout

Chat-terbox

I could be!!

Please read <3

Sighing deeply, she clicked on the document. He would never shut up if she didn't. It read as:

l would like to offer my sincerest According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible…

She clicked back

Chat-terbox

Did you like it? :3

lady of my heart

…

blocked

Chat-terbox

Boo, noooooooo

After that, Marinette didn’t open the app again no matter how much her phone pinged. She wasn’t mad, not really, just a bit annoyed. Before lunch ended, she would read and answer. But now, she was stuck watching Alya and Nino play Super Penguino and make moon eyes at each other. Adrien wasn’t allowed to join them, as much as he begged his father, and she was feeling pretty bummed about that. She poked around her chicken pasta when she heard her phone playing a familiar song.

kore nani kore nani korenanikorenanikorenanikorenani-

Chat Noir!

"Is everything okay?" Marinette asked as soon as she picked up the phone. Alya and Nino, noticing her worried tone, paused their game to look at her.

"You picked up!" Chat Noir said, cheery. "I thought you blocked me."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Is there actually something wrong? I'll hang up "

"No, wait!" He yelped. "There's nothing wrong, I just wanted to talk. Are you busy?"

Marinette looked over at Nino and Alya, who were still watching her expectantly. She smiles reassuringly and waved them away, furtively signaling to Alya that it was Chat Noir on the phone. Her friend nodded and bumped her shoulder on Nino's.

"C'mon, babe, let Marinette talk to her 'friend' by herself." Alya said, leering.

"Why did you say it like that?" Nino asked, confused. Then, his eyes lit up. "Is it Adrien? Tell him I said hi!"

"No!" Marinette shouted, gaining weird stares from the other patrons.

"No, you aren't busy?" Chat Noir asked on the phone.

"No, it's not Adrien, or no, you won't tell him I said hi?" Nino asked.

"It's another friend." She said hurriedly before focusing on the phone. "I can talk now, not that busy."

"If you're with your friends, it's okay." He said, rather meekly for her chaton.

"I'm just third-wheeling." Marinette said as Alya and Nino began another round of Super Penguins. "Why did you call? Aren't you having lunch now?"

Chat Noir chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah, I'm having lunch at home and I'm all alone, so I thought I could give you a call. Is that too much?"

"No, it's fine." She reassured. "Why are you alone? What about your siblings?"

"What siblings?" He asked, genuinely confused.

"Uh… the siblings I assumed you had for some reason." She said awkwardly, noticing how out there she sounded the more she spoke.

"Really? You thought I had siblings? Why?"

"Because you're just like an annoying little brother." She said teasingly, a complete lie.

Chat Noir struck her as a mischievous, but supportive older brother. The kind that sneaked you treats after midnight and comforted you after failing a math test. Not like she could tell him that, though. If he was a little brother, it would be to a stressed older sister that he admired a lot and that found him reliable in return. She dreamed about meeting them sometimes and now it seemed that they would truly stay dreams forever.

"I would like an older brother or sister." He sighed longingly. "The closest I have is my cousin, but he lives in another country."

"Oh, sorry."

"No, it's better this way, we would kill each other if we lived together. Everyday I would have to check for poison in my breakfast."

"A true sibling dynamic."

"Yep."

"Hey, why aren't you having lunch with your friends then?" With Sallie, she wanted to tease, but held back for fear of sounding, as Tikki said, bitter.

"My father would rather I have lunch at home." He said vaguely. "My friends did invite me to go with them to a café, but my father didn't like the idea. He only likes one of them, the rest he says are bad influences."

"Let me guess, the one he likes is Sallie?"

"I can hear you rolling your eyes, but yes."

"Well, if you ever get lonely at lunch, you can call me." Marinette said honestly. "I don't mind it."

"Thank you." Chat Noir said softly.

They spent the rest of lunch talking on the phone, even sending pictures of their food to each other (Chat's limp salad made her take a bunch of mental notes to take him some pastries next patrol). On the way to school, as she walked to the classroom, they kept talking. She could hear Chat getting on a vehicle (a bus?) and when he got to school, she was disappointed he had to hang up. After Marinette clicked the end call button, the first thing she noticed when she looked up was Alya's smug face and Nino's confused one.

"Wow, does my bro have some competition, dude?" Nino said. "You spent the entire break talking."

"What? No, that was just a friend!"

"Yeah, a friend." Alya sing-songed, making her face heat up.

"Yeah." Marinette said firmly. "There's no competition for anything."

"Who's competing?" A sweet voice asked from behind her and she jumped.

"Adrien!" She shouted, scrambling. "N-nothing hehe."

"Dude!" Nino smiled. "How was your lunch?"

Adrien smiled, brightly. "The best I've ever had."

Marinette felt inclined to agree.

#ladynoirjuly #ladynoirjuly2021 #ladynoir #ladybug #chat noir #ml fic #my stuff #miraculous ladybug #if we're bound to be something why not together

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a-portable-snack · 4 years

Text

@writer-who-cant-write135 Thank you so much for your ask! Wanna take a stab at what city I live in?

Detroit and Chill

Kai looked at the rubber duck sitting next to his computer. He just read his entire code out loud to said duck but it still won’t run properly. And the duck didn’t warn him it won’t.

“Ugh! This doesn’t work.” He tossed the duck behind him.

“Ouch!”

Kai turned to realize he didn’t hear Adam come into their dorm… which is somehow impressive on Adam’s part for being so quiet and Kai’s part for being so focused.

“Sorry, man. This code is driving me insane. I want to send it over to Reeve to look over but I also don’t want to send it over and have him be like ‘This is 100% wrong’” Kai rubbed his neck and turned back to his computer. He knows its probably a simple thing he’s missing and he doesn’t want Reeve to find it.

Kai went to start typing but his chair was suddenly pulled back. Adam stepped in-between Kai and his computer and started typing something.

“Adam! Don’t mess with the code! I know you’re smart but I know you know NOTHING about code.”

“You’re right but Reeve does. I just sent it to him and you’re taking a break with me while he looks it over.” Adam turned back to Kai.

“You had no right to do that!” Kai stood up so he was eye to eye with Adam “Just because you seem to be ahead on your work and are bored doesn’t mean you can get between me and my work!”

“I’m sorry” Adam put his hands in the air to surrender “but it’s definitely the only way you’ll step away. I’ve been here for 20 minutes and you didn’t realize I came in. You’re hyper-fixating, overworking, and getting nothing done. I know I stepped over a line but I will do it again if it means you won’t work yourself to the ground!”

Kai knew he was right. Last year, Adam never stepped between Kai and his work and Kai’s perfectionist tendencies and ADHD had him almost to the hospital from overworking. Adam was just trying to help and take care of him. But Kai can still be mad.

“So,” Adam caught Kai’s eyes. “We are going out to do something fun. We’re going distract you until Reeve emails back saying what you’re missing and it’s ok that you needed help because Robotic and Megatronic engineering is hard as fuck.”

“Fine, but you’re fucking wining and dining me asshole.”

“Valid” Adam smiled and grabbed his coat. Kai had to change his close because his Pokemon pajama pants won’t cut it. Adam was on his phone searching for something when Kai came out of the bathroom.

“Let’s go!” Adam’s eyes were bright as he grabbed Kai’s hand. Adam pulled Kai all the way to Adam’s car.

“Adam! Not all of us are in perfect shape. SLOW DOWN!”

“Dude I’m so excited about this! It’s going to be so much fun” Adam jumped into his car. By the time Kai was in the passenger seat, Adam was buzzing. Adam’s excitement was infectious and Kai just smiled as Adam started driving. Kai couldn’t look away as Adam sped through the streets of Detroit.

Detroit is such an interesting place to live because there’s so many different types of people all smashed into southeast Michigan. So Adam could be taking him to anything between a cool tour of some car museum to Mexican Town having a deal on tamales. Kai really hopes its the latter. Adam’s mom has set standards for tamales that only Mexican Town can compete with.

When Adam followed the highway to the Riverwalk, Kai started to think they were heading to the GM building. But Adam turned away from it.

“Are we heading to Campus Martius?” Kai asked.

“Kind of! We’re going to Lafayette Coney then we’re heading to Campus Martius” Adam parked next to the historical coney place and Kai excitedly jumped out.

“Yes! I need a good coney! We can walk to Campus Martius from here. I’ll cover parking” Kai pulled this wallet out to put in the coins.

“No no no! Wining and dining remember!” Adam stood in front of Kai and took his wallet out of his hand. Adam reached around and put the wallet into Kai’s back pocket.

“I-i was joking” Kai couldn’t stop the blush from spreading across his face. Adam noticed and smirked at him.

Adam didn’t know what to do with Kai. The boy was adorable and smart and god they worked together so well. They’ve lived together for 2 years now in the dorms and they are a well oiled machine. It was almost impossible not to fall in love. But Adam truly did try. Adam tried to limit how much he talked with Kai over the summer so he could get some distance. Adam thought he had gotten rid of his feelings. He started to open up communication again and was ok with their relationship. Then Adam sent a snap of Captain America saying ‘My type of man’ and you want to know how this motherfucker responded?

I guess I need to work out. I GUESS I NEED TO WORK OUT. WHAT THE FUCK?

So Adam has feeling still and doesn’t know what to do. But here they were. On something that could be considered a date. Just, vibing.

“Let’s walk and eat” Adam said after he paid for the hot dogs. “I know the line at Campus MArtius will be long”

“Why?” Kai asked, mouth full.

“It’s the first day that the ice skating ring is open!” Adam put his hands up in excitement. Kai seemed to shrink down little.

“O-oh! That sounds fun! It’ll be great” Adam noticed the hesitance and feared he made the wrong choice.

“If you don’t want to ice skate we can do something else! I know there’s heated huts that shops rent out, the Riverwalk’s open, there’s a bar or two…”

“It’s fine! I’ve just never ice skated before so I’m kinda nervous” Kai fiddled with the wrapper on his coney.

“Don’t worry,” Adam snuck an arm around Kai’s waist and whispered in his ear. “I won’t let you fall.”

For moment, Adam thought Kai was going to jump away and blush but he was surprised. Instead, Kai leaned into Adam and said, “You better not.”

It was Adam’s turn to blush and become a flustered. Adam can usually serve out flirtatious comments like nothing but the moment they come back at him, he’s a puddle. And receiving flirting back from Kai, who usually shies away? Nope, Adam isn’t emotionally prepared for it.

“O-ok”

Kai laughed and laced his fingers between Adam’s. He seemed hesitant at first but when Adam firmly held his hand, a smile spread across his face.

“Let’s go get in line”

They finished their coneys and ran to rent skates. There were already a bunch of people on the small ring but Adam was ready to get out there.

“Ok! This doesn’t look too hard!” Kai watched people going around as he laced up his skates.

“You think so?” Adam smirked.

“Yeah! I’ll be fine.”

He was not fine.

Adam hit the ice and skated right off. He was able to file into the crowd nicely. He was graceful and obviously knew what he was doing. Kai on th other hand put on foot on the ice and immediately lost control. He gripped the rail like a life line tried to figure out his feet. They kept seeming to go in every which way.

Kai looked up and saw Adam rounding the corner to come back to him. He held himself up against the wall and pretended he wasn’t struggling as much as he was. Adam skidded to a stop next him.

“How’s it going?”

“Oh you know! It’s simple. Just gliding” Kai tried to brush off the fact that he could barely hold himself up.

“Come on. Let me take you around” Adam offered a hand with a small smile. Kai smiled back at his and took his hand. Kai pushed off the rail and immediately lost his balance.

“Adam, why is this so hard?” Kai clutched Adam’s arm like it was a life source. Somehow Adam was just skating like it was walking. Fuck him.

“Ha, for some reason physics doesn’t work when it comes to ice skating” Adam laughed. Adam pulled away little and Kai pulled him closer.

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

“Don’t worry!” Adam was trying so hard not to laugh at him. Adam held onto Kai hand and flipped around to skate backwards and pull Kai along.

“You just wanted to show off you could skate backwards”

“Maybe” Adam smiled “It’s also the best way to learn. Just focus on holding your hips steady and switching your weight from left to right. When you switch, give a gentle push.”

Kai followed Adam’s instructions, watching his feet and focusing on his weight. Kai found a rhythm as they made it around the ice rink at a reasonable pace. Adam smiled at Kai, unable to hold anything back. God, if only Kai knew what he did to Adam.

“You got it!”

“You’re right! This is easy.”

Kai looked up at Adam and he saw all the love and excitement. It was overwhelming. Suddenly, Kai completely lost all since of control and was falling. Adam wasn’t ready for it and fell with him. So there they were shocked, laying on cold ice, in the middle of a crowded rink. Suddenly and eight year old skated by with the grace of a figure skater.

“Tsk, lame”

Adam and Kai look at each other in shock then burst out laughing. Of course they would get called lame by an eight year old. Adam shift to get them up. Kai felt like a baby horse trying to find his legs on the ice. This rink really does seem to say fuck physics.

“Now that our pride is throughly bruised, can I interest you in a hot chocolate?”

“Definitely”

Adam led them to the edge and they stepped on to normal land.

“Is it bad I’m tempted to kiss the ground?”

“Definitely, this is Detroit. We have no idea what is going on down there.”

“Valid, not doing that.”

Adam was still holding onto Kai as they ordered their hot chocolates. They sat in the warming tent at a table. They talked and drank hot chocolate. They were completely lost within each other. Loudly talking about dumb teachers, and new Netflix shows, and that one kid on their floor who they swear is a wizard.

“No, I’m joking. He has a pet centipede in his dorm. I’m pretty the RAs are letting him keep it because they don’t want to have confiscate it. It freaks me out.” Kai laughed.

“There’s no way. I had a FISH they took away! I had to pull out a handbook to prove I could have him.” Adam shook his head.

“I’m sorry,” the girl that was working behind the counter came up to them. “It’s time for us to close down. You need to return your skates and head home so we can close.”

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry! We’re leaving right now!” Adam and Kai picked up their stuff and quickly left Campus Martius.

“Sorry I kept you out so late.” Adam said when they got to his car. He rubbed his neck nervously. Kai grabbed Adam’s free hand and pulled .

“Don’t be sorry. I should be thanking you. I really needed this. I would still be hunched over code, probably crying, if it weren’t for you. So, thank you.” Kai leaned gently into Adam with a soft smile.

Kai was suddenly kissing Adam. Kai wasn’t 100% what convinced him to do it but he couldn’t get the look Adam had on his face in the ice rink out of his head. Adam immediately leaned into the kiss and used his free hand to hold Kai’s cheek. Kai pulled back with a smile on his face.

“I’m so happy you kissed back because the drive would have been so awkward.”

Adam started laughing. He pulled Kai in for another kiss. His wide smile made it very difficult to properly kiss. Kai wrapped his arms around Adam’s waist. Kai pulled away and buried his face in the crook of Adam’s neck. Adam held him close.

“Let’s head back to the dorm.” Kai said. “I have a bag of popcorn and an illegal download of Mutant Spiders Paradise calling our names.”

“Sounds great” Adam unlocks his car and they went home.

#The Hollow #the hollow netflix #the hollow adam #the hollow season 2 #the hollow kai #kaidam #Kai #adam #the snack writes

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kenkamishiro · 4 years

Text

Ishida Sui’s Review of 2019

I didn’t think I’d ever finish this with my onslaught of classes including pharmacology, but I somehow managed! 6k word count, the longest TL I’ve done to date besides Parvati’s interlude for FGO. Lots of insight into Jack Jeanne’s production and what Ishida’s been up to for the past year. It was tough to translate because it was so long, but I had a lot of fun.

Let me know if there are any mistakes, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch. Have fun reading!

Original can be found here.

＊＊＊

2019. I’m reflecting on this past year while flipping through my agenda. Since I’m writing this for my sake, there’s going to be a lot of sections without much explanation.

January

○ This was when Jack Jeanne had yet to be announced, so I was mostly doing preliminary work at the time. Stuff like “BU” and “character facial expressions” will be finished some time this month, is written in my schedule book.

○ New Year’s party in Tokyo from the 16th - 19th. The New Year’s party is a joint party that’s comprised of the 4th editorial department (Shueisha’s seinen magazine branch) that’s held every year in January. I attended the party with the staff every year during serialization, minus my first year.

2019 will be the first New Year’s party since the series ended, but I thought I should stop inviting the staff to attend since we’re not working together anymore (plus it’d be a hassle), so I didn’t really invite anyone. But the day before the event, Editor M brought up the topic inside the taxi and asked, “Are none of the staff coming this year?” (Even if they’re invited now, it’s going to be impossible, asking them to fly the next day and causing a ruckus…) When I replied, “Hey, I’m sure it’d be fun if you invited them and they all came~”, the editor contacted Goubaru-kun, and after said, “He said he’s going.” Guess he wasn’t busy. In the end, the staff during serialization and several people from OB and OG came, almost identical to the lineup from previous years, and it occurred to me that maybe I should have just invited them from the start.

Anyway, at this year’s New Year’s party, I don’t really remember much of what happened. I talked with my senpais from back when I was an assistant for Kingdom, and outside the venue I sobered up from the agoraphobic dizziness I was feeling inside. At the second party I remember people talking to me haphazardly and being photographed. I wish I’d refused. Also, I was sexually harassed by Rikudou Matsubara, my senpai from the same region as me. This New Year’s party will be my last.

February

Briefing session for the game held in Tokyo. Key visual created. It says here [on the agenda] that I want to go to Kagoshima. Every week there’s a checklist for 10 km of jogging and weight training 2-3 times a week. I spent about a week doing some composition work. It ended up being helpful for me, but it made me decide not to work anymore with people with different levels of interest from me.

○ TRPG is written for the 28th. Usually we use the DX (Double Cross) system, but this time one of our participating players, M’s schedule was under mysterious attack. As game master, taking consideration of everyone who’d made time in their schedules for tonight, I thought we could switch to Cthulhu and asked them to wait an hour. 2 hours later I finished coming up with a scenario and began the session. It was fairly fun.

March

Finish BU this month, is clearly noted down. BU stands for bust-up, which are drawings of characters in standing poses [sprites] that are common in ADV games. Normally, since it takes a huge amount of work, the BU work is always divided up. The original drawings are done by the illustrator, in this case I do the base illustrations (line drawing & colouring), and using them as the base, the department sharing the work cleans up the line drawings and recolours it...that’s how the process goes. But since I’m a mangaka and don’t have the technology needed to make gaming assets, I thought it’d be best to leave it to the pros in that field, so that was how that stage proceeded. At that point in time at least.

I also had plans written down to go to Kagoshima. Looks like I didn’t go.

○ TRPG on the 25th. Player M’s schedule lined up with ours, so we played DX with 6 PL plus me as GM. We went to the aquarium, were attacked by witches, and so on.

April

Finish BU, is faintly written down. It seems like the work was more or less completed earlier this month.

○ High school friend K’s wedding on the 6th. Up until then I’d only been to two other wedding receptions. The weddings were for a different friend from high school, and Tajika-san, one of my senpais from Kingdom. This suddenly reminds me of that time at Tajika-san’s reception, when I took a super early flight because I absolutely didn’t want to be late whatsoever, but I ended up not being able to fly for about an hour and a half because of engine trouble or whatever, so I entered at almost the same time as the bride and groom during the reception…

K’s wedding was the first time in my life where I was present all the way from the wedding to the reception, but how should I put it, I was struck by a beam of light. I don’t know who he’s getting married to, I have no clue what their relationship is like. But I was somehow bombarded...by all these thoughts that became jumbled in my head, like the energy in this place, the power of their oaths, questioning what it was, how light isn’t always justice.

I got the feeling that this was what proper, respectable humans take part in, but since I'm fine with not being a proper, respectable human, I decided to not do anything other than what my heart desires.

I'm definitely not good with places where I’m in the spotlight. But congratulations.

○ “Play Sekiro” is strongly noted down. Thank you for supporting me in the first half of 2019.

○ TRPG for the 29th - 30th. DX. Player M’s character dies.

May - June

My schedule book is starting to look more scattered now. On the other hand, since I’ve got a good memory of this time, I can write while recalling the events.

○ I did the covers for the Touken stage play book.

I drew the cover illustrations for the Touken [Ranbu] stage play that Mikasano-san, who I’m grateful to for his work on the anime and movie scripts for TG, worked on. In my mind, it feels like I'm watching the back of who I'd consider my older brother in the creative world, or a fellow comrade on another battlefield fighting to the death. I think it came out quite charmingly, so I’ll include the links for now. Link 1 | Link 2 | Link 3

During this time of work for Jack Jeanne, I was working on “model sheets”. Blueprints for the characters’ attire, not just from the front but also the internal structure.

Unlike most other games, Jack Jeanne has “performance costumes” in addition to normal attire. Because of its “revue” theme, costumes that will be worn onstage needed to be prepared. I was shocked when I suddenly admitted that I needed model sheets for 5 different performances (spring, summer, fall, winter, final) for the 6 main characters, making 30 designs in total.

Back in the TG era, these kind of drawings that I just explained, or drawings that needed a lot of layers, were a pain in the ass. Plus I wasn’t good at them, so I thought that I didn’t want to do it for the rest of my life if possible. But it seems like I have to do this myself. With a sense of determination, I decided to work solely on this for all of May. At the same time, I made nothing but curry for all my meals. There’s no deep reason behind it, but my aim was to kinda boost my ability to concentrate daily by choosing to be decisive in that action.

○ Working on model sheets It came with an unintended effect. Because I spent a month on work that required balance and consistency, my right-left checking skills got better, and completely unrelated, I improved in drawing perfect copies. The design work for the model sheets itself became really fun to do, starting around when I became obsessed with the scarf design (sumo wrestler drawing) I definitely couldn’t use for Neji’s summer costume. I discovered that it’s precisely because I’m not good at this that my labour bore fruit. I feel like this was my experience for the latter half of the year.

July

The cast members were chosen. Unlike TG, there are 6 people + 1 person who can be referred to as the main character, so it was interesting to have a cast with some breadth.

Seems like lyrical work was the main thing I worked on.

Lyrical work. In Jack Jeanne, each performance contains several songs to sing and dance to, so each one is supposed to be sung. ...hence the lyrics.

The topic of what to do with the lyrics was brought up in November 2018. What happens typically is that, let’s say there’s singing in an idol game, then a company that specializes in it is asked to produce the songs. Even for Jack Jeanne, there were several candidates I could pick and choose from. But after a quick look-through, frankly speaking, they all looked the same to me. There’s one person that’s good, it’d be great if we could get them...is what I thought, but, “Even though I don’t have the skills, I’m the one who understands this world the best,” crossed my mind. ...should I try? I tried it. To be honest, I was super embarrassed since it’d be seen by a lot of people, but it evolved into, “Who cares if you’re doing it?” And so Jack Jeanne’s lyrics were tasked to me.

I mentioned this earlier, but there are multiple songs for each performance. So if you combine those plus the opening and ending songs, that makes 17 songs in total. Lyrics for 17 songs that I’m fully responsible for. What the hell...am I doing? Maybe it was from that moment that I started losing it.

Including the lyrics that I’d been working on bit by bit every month, the remaining ones were finished in one go this July. By the time I finished everything, my current state was, “Give me more songs...let me write more lyrics!” But it wasn’t over just yet.

August

Every time I meet someone I tell this story. I’m thinking of keeping it up. Here I am, relieved to have finished the lyrics, when a message pops up on the Skype group chat. It’s from Yamashita Daisuke of Broccoli.

To briefly touch upon Yamashita Daisuke, he is a young man who’s been involved with this project since October of 2018, and a poor soul who was tasked with conducting very important meetings on his third day of working at the company.

The producer from Broccoli was going on maternity leave, so he was scouted as her replacement. As an aside, if I have to be honest, the exchanges between me and Towada-san, and Broccoli’s Jack Jeanne team up until then were quite frustrating. “How about doing it like this?” they would counter. And we’d respond with something like, “This part is going to be developed later on, and since this will become foreshadowing for the entirety of the story, it can’t be modified that easily.” This kind of situation, having to explain everything in detail one by one, going 3 steps forward and being held 2 steps back, had been going on for about 3 years, so the two of us would often whine about it over drinks, going, “When should we quit, this is ridiculous,” etc.

Finally when things began going more smoothly, the producer who was leading the project took her leave, so I wondered if we’d be able to get along with Yamashita Daisuke, but he was, how should I put it, very diligent. For the last year I've been working with people who don’t put in their best effort, so I was very hopeful and thankful to him.

But I digress. This was the gist of the message that Daisuke sent.

“Kosemura-san’s who’s in charge of musical composition wants ‘scratch vocal tracks’ for when the singers are recording.” “Does Ishida-sensei happen to know anyone he could ask for this favour?” “I’m sure it won’t be a problem for you!” “Frankly speaking, it’s okay even if they’re bad.”

Huh. Well, as you might have already guessed, even with the lyrics, it’s impossible to really understand the song at first sight without knowing what kind of rhythm, what kind of emotions are being expressed in the bar measure. Of course we’d need ‘scratch vocal tracks’ to explain the general feeling of the song.

Now, what Daisuke said was, “Do you have anyone you can ask? It’s okay even if they’re bad. Or even you can do it.” But if I found a “it’s okay even if they’re bad” kind of person, we’d still have to show them how to sing it and explain how the rhythm goes. Daisuke already knew which was probably why he asked for the favour. “The person writing the lyrics would be able to make the scratch vocal tracks the fastest.” ...come to think of it, the demo songs that Kunimitsu sent me every time that were sung using Vocaloid, weren’t they also scratch vocal tracks?

Daisuke must have been in a pinch trying to figure out how he should ask me candidly. Ishida-sensei, I couldn’t just ask you to sing it, so I had to ask in a roundabout manner.

I’d already given my answer, but I was still hesitant. It’s true that after I finished writing the lyrics for the 17 songs I’d already lost sight of myself, but if I sang, my singing would reach Broccoli and Kosemura-san’s team’s ears. But I couldn’t just leave poor Daisuke hanging.

So I consult Towada-shi, whom I’d been collaborating with in creating the scripts for Jack Jeanne, for advice. (He had been in charge of TG’s novels, and I’ve known him for a long time.) “Did you check Skype?” “I did.” “What do you think?” “Start by looking up scratch vocal tracks,” so we paid a visit to YouTube. The first search result that came up for ‘scratch vocal track’ was a video of a vocalist who was used to sing a scratch track for AKB or something. I see, so that’s what it looks like. Innocuous, but I could see it was very professionally done.

And the second result that came up was Tsunku♂-shi. The figure of Tsunku♂-shi himself recording a scratch track for his idols. The producer himself became an idol, and was singing really cutely, in his emotions and how he sang it. “This is it?” I said. “Yeah, it is,” Towada-shi agreed. If Kosemura-san and his team, and the people who will be performing the songs have to listen to it, it’d be a disservice to them to half-ass it. I don’t like people who don’t try their best. That means I have to show that attitude myself. Let’s come out of my shell for poor Daisuke as well.

“You’re gonna become Tsunku♂.” “Yeah...I’m gonna be Tsunku♂!” And that was how I became Tsunku♂.

I replied to Daisuke on the Skype group chat. “Understood, I’ll do what I can.”

So this guy, who doesn’t even know what the ‘D’ in DTM stands for, first downloads the software, and begins setting up a recording environment. Other work is pushed aside. I set 3 days to work on this.

I timidly begin working on the scratch tracks. From the perspective of someone who doesn’t have to listen to their singing for a living, it starts out as a living hell, but you get used to it as you listen to it over and over.

And so I kept learning new things. I noticed I was harmonizing with myself.

Just like Tsunku♂-shi, I’d change the voice for each character. If it was Jack (male in a male role) I’d sing like a man, and if it was Jeanne (male in a female role), then like a woman, while the main character Kisa (female) should sound cute... No, Kisa needs to be cuter! I re-recorded her part many times. Depending on the song, I’d sing for 7 people. I was Jack Jeanne now.

Tsunku♂ (I) recorded 17 songs in 3 days, and sent the data first to Towada-shi. Since I was now Tsunku♂, I no longer felt any sense of embarrassment.

“I listened to it,” the reply came, and I called him. Towada-shi was roaring with laughter. I regained the embarrassment I’d forgotten.

“Oh no, I was laughing ‘cause I was impressed,” he said, but my heart was already as fragile as that of an abandoned dog.

“Even this is a big help to Kosemura-san, and Daisuke should be grateful, right?” Yeah. Although Towada-shi guffawed at me, Daisuke will surely thank me. And then he’ll definitely tell me what a good job I did!

I dumped the music into the Skype group chat. “I did what I could,” I added.

How will Daisuke react to my Tsunku♂? I waited restlessly. Three days later on August 5th, a formal message arrived after it was received.

“Thank you very much. We will schedule a meeting with Kosemura-san…”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. My hard work got dismissed with, “Thank you very much.”

Daisuke, why? I thought you were in a pinch, so I...were...were you fooling with me from the start? Answer me! Daisuke! Just tell me I did a good job, or follow up with something, I’m fine with anything! So much for my heart being like an abandoned dog, it’s more like a grown-ass man left naked on a snowy mountain. I did what I could! This feeling was welling up inside me, but was it myself that managed to do it?

○ Later, at a meeting with Kosemura-san “It’s great that you could do this much for us. You didn’t have to do all that.” With the gist of those words, a warm blanket was finally placed over my heart, which had almost frozen to death.

“I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t sure if Sensei was the most who did it in the first place,” Daisuke said, so I decided to satisfy myself by threatening, “I’m gonna tell this story until the day I die.”

September

○ Responses to the Questions to Ishida Sui contest We did a “Ask anything to Ishida Sui” contest as a project for the art book “zakki:re”, where purchasers could apply with a postcard. I was writing the replies for them.

I thought there’d be a lot more questions about TG or its contents, but surprisingly there were a lot of questions asking for life advice. There were quite a few questions that I had to seriously think about to answer.

It was kinda tough since there were over a hundred of them, but I thought it’d be nice to get in touch like this every once in a while.

○ BU work for Jack Jeanne Once the music-related tasks like lyrical composition and scratch vocal tracks were completed, I worked on BU. ...BU work? Wasn’t it finished back in April?

Well, a similar situation arose just like what happened with the lyrics. Regarding sprite quality I might not be able to beat the pros, but since I’m the one who best understands how the characters look best and their body balance, I had decided to do all the line drawing colouring myself in June. I had no clue whether I’d make the deadline or maintain the quality, but thanks to Broccoli’s understanding, I was allowed to make it myself.

I realized once again that I’m terrible at splitting up work. If I can do it by myself, I will.

Plus, it’s, how should I put it, starting from my TG days, even though it wasn’t a lot I got to see various types of workplaces. I’d see places where there was no sense of responsibility whatsoever, or the work may have been divvied up appropriately, but it felt like they were making something without a sense of purpose, like a main plot line that isn’t going anywhere.

It’s impossible to accomplish big things with that kind of stance, and I understand that the more people that intervene, the more uncertain the core becomes, so I didn’t like that kind of approach. It makes me wonder whether there’s any meaning in creating a work that’s conservative and unchallenged, and if it’s nothing more than a money grab.

Since I don’t have any desire for material things, getting fed up about it is useless, but I just can’t help thinking about it.

Of course, it may be difficult to get what I want 100% of the time, but I want to create things in an environment that I think is beautiful, even in places that I’m slightly involved in.

...in other words, BU work is tough, but I began remaking the sprites once again by myself. This was the toughest work I’ve ever done out of everything, including the serialization...

○ Scratch vocals training camp at the end of September I went to the recording for the scratch vocal tracks. Based on the scratch tracks that I made, we got professional vocalists to sing it again properly. This is what the actual cast would use as a reference to sing. (So my version was like the pre-scratch vocal track.)

I was stuck in Tokyo for almost a week. Wake up, get ready, go to the recording studio. Come back at 8 or 9 pm, rest and sleep, repeat.

It was like I was back in school, and since I don’t have a steady lifestyle, I enjoyed it.

Kosemura-san’s team is really great, and I know I mentioned this before, but I felt like their workplace was a very healthy production site. When I was drawing manga, I never had much time to talk with fellow manga artists, and I’ve never had the chance to experience what other professionals’ workplaces were like, so it was very exciting for me to see people as professionals tackle one thing seriously. The vocalists were as amazing as I expected, and although my scratch tracks were played at a loud volume to annoy me, I had a great time.

The game might have a high level of entry, but it’s worth listening to just for the songs, is what I truly thought.

○ Parting words to Editor M-shi This might have been back in August, but from 2018 to 2019 I had a lot of things on my mind, so I began talking to the editor.

In between the 11 years of serialization starting from my rookie days, I’d received guidance from him so it wasn’t easy, but I expressed to him that we should keep our distance for any future works.

“I want to become absorbed in myself, not to Ishida Sui or Tokyo Ghoul,” I told him. The other part said he also felt the same way, and accepted it. The next time we meet, I hope we can talk about what we’re into, what we’re going crazy over, he said.

And so, 2 months after that conversation was the scratch vocals training camp in Tokyo, and I had the chance for the two of us to talk again. That day I was completely tuckered out from recording the scratch track, but it was a day filled with accomplishments.

He took me to a restaurant with delicious food in Ebisu or somewhere, and after concluding our brief business meeting, I tried throwing out the cliched, “So, what are you up to lately?” As the lead writer, there was a part of me that was curious about how he was doing after that talk we had.

The editor began talking about homemade curry.

...that’s what he’s into? I decide everything from selecting and picking the ingredients myself, and next time I want Ishida-kun to also see how delicious the curry is...he told me passionately, but how should I put it, the conversation wasn’t very spicy.

The food was delicious.

October

○ BU work

What’s hard about BU work is that it’s difficult to separate the layers according to the face, hair and clothes, and they all have to have the same style and touch to it. If it was manga, then maybe...no, even in manga, there’s still some need to match the outfits, but it doesn’t really matter to that extent.

It’s because I don’t like game sprites. “This character has so much energy from their sideways pose! Amazing!” This never happens…

Around this time of the year, my older sister called this elaborate task, “the task you’re probably the worst at.”

○ The bean life I’m not really fat in particular, but I made up my mind to try dieting. At the time, my body fat percentage was at 18%, and I’ve never been below 10% ever in my entire life, so I’m thinking of aiming for that. Instead of eating rice with unseasoned chickpeas and black soybeans, I began my lifestyle of consuming vegetables and cuts of meat with less fat. Hopefully I can achieve my goal in about six months’ time.

○ Ano-chan, Honda Keisuke, and I After Ano-chan left “You’ll Melt More!”, her official Twitter account removed every single account she was following, but for some reason only two people remained. Those two people were Honda Keisuke and Ishida Sui. To Ano-chan, Honda Keisuke and Ishida Sui belonged in the same category. After some time passed, even we were removed, but I consider this one of my hottest mysteries of 2019. Ano-chan! I’ll always be waiting, so let’s have tea some time with Honda Keisuke!

November

○ BU Need I say more.

○ Main cast’s first recording session from the 26th - 27th.

I visited Tokyo with Towada-shi to supervise the main cast members’ recording session. Wow, everyone was so amazing~

Of course, not just the main characters. Terasaki Yuka-san who plays the main character, Tachibana Kisa, was wonderful as well.

In this kind of game genre, the position as the main character feels less important than the male characters, but I want her to stand firmly in this story’s script. I thought it’d be nice to have the main character not stand out too much and have her watch over the male characters, and I felt that Terasaki-san’s voice and acting fit that image perfectly.

About the cast members, it seems like there’ll be a chance to speak to them eventually, so I’ll come back again.

○ 1 month into the bean life I’m steadily losing weight. Basically I always work from home. I go to the gym and supermarket 2-3 times a week. I started cooking for myself. I got a brand new refrigerator to replace the one that suddenly broke. It actually cools things down now. Living standards have risen.

December

○ I break off ties with M who I played TRPG together with. He was a former classmate who was even chief assistant at some point during the series’ run, but eventually he ended up getting fired due to falling asleep at work. He said he’d attend the last session for the story that day (although his own character had already died), and I was working on a schedule to accommodate him, but once again he cancelled at the last minute.

It’s fine to cause trouble for me (although I’ll probably get pissed), but I can’t overlook treating others the same way. And it’s not the fact that his schedule didn’t match up, it’s because he was complete trash who didn’t know how to behave like an adult once he made plans with others, that I felt sorry for the other TRPG people who took time out of their schedules. Since I felt ashamed when I was together with him, I decided I’d had enough.

This was a year where I cut ties with a lot of people, but I think what they had in common was that I was ashamed to be with them. From now on, I don’t want to associate with such people.

What’s more, when I finally told him, he didn’t even try to deal with it and just gave up, responding, “So that’s how you felt about me. Okay. My bad.”

I won’t go anywhere with those kind of people again.

○ The bean life ⇒ the potato life. I changed it to potatoes.

○ BU is over...

On December 17th, I finally finished the BU work that I spent ageeeeeeeees on.

Although I said that serialization is tough, as long as I finished 18 pages a week that was it (although there were times where I was chasing myself with other work), so I could finish it as long as I didn’t sleep. I somehow managed to finish both the manuscripts and the colour illustrations this way, so expecting BU to be similar, I wasn’t really scared about it never ending, but BU truly was despair. When is this gonna end? I’m even working super hard… This is how it went on the entire time for over a month.

There were about 200 different sprites I had to make myself, including the different costumes and poses, and I had to do all of them.

For one thing, when, “This process is necessary,” came out, I had to go through the same process roughly 200 times, that it felt like I was facing the final boss who already transformed many times. Also, it’s like not equipping myself with a lot of equipment and recovery items in the previous town, but the dungeon I somehow managed to enter is extremely dangerous and even though there’s no safe points anywhere in sight, the boss suddenly comes up behind you, and you go I’m gonna die I’m gonna die

○ If you eat a lot while you’re losing weight, you’re going to have a bad time.

On December 15th I had trouble concentrating, so I tidied up the living room, created a space in the middle of the room, and darkened the lights. After an hour of meditating, only the sound of my breathing could be heard in the room, and so I went back to work with renewed concentration after confronting the issue (like a monk?).

On December 16th, I’ve been working the entire time since morning. I thought today was going to be the last day, but an entire day has passed and I don’t have any energy...

I’ll buy a midnight snack, replenish my energy, and end it once and for all. I’m trying to lose weight, but I went to the convenience store while thinking about how I’m gonna eat a katsu sandwich (I didn’t have the energy to cook).

While looking for something at a convenience store I can eat during weight loss, I think back over the last few months.

Like how it seems like BU is finally over, how a lot of things have happened, how I’m working hard, how lately I’ve been eating only potatoes, vegetables and meat.

And then I suddenly thought, “I wonder if the reason I don’t have any energy is because I haven’t had any rice lately.”

...I thought I should go on a diet in October, so I’ve been living a very modest life since then. Thanks to that, my weight has steadily decreased, and my body fat percentage has gone down 3% to 15%. What will happen if I continue with my relatively strict dietary restrictions during this difficult time?

...even if you’re losing weight, there’s a technique you can set up to binge eat during periods where weight loss stagnates, called cheat day (though results may vary), but what is it that makes no-cheating so inefficient even for weight loss?

...should I have a cheat day today?

“Huh, is it really okay?” I asked my mind. “Do it!” was the answer I got. From that moment, everything around me morphed into things I could eat.

No exaggeration, my knees trembled.

I crammed into my shopping basket carbohydrates, carbs, more carbs… It’s okay just for today, I say as I shove cream puffs, dorayaki, pudding, Family Mart chicken and ice cream. (Even if it's a cheat day, it’s probably not a good idea to take non-nutritional foods, but shh.)

With food in both hands and in high spirits, the first thing I ate was the delicious part of the Family Mart chicken.

I groaned loudly, all alone in the room.

Alright, let’s finish this work! I was energized, but my blood sugar levels spiked so much that I felt extremely sleepy and went to bed instead.

The next day on the 17th, I wake up at 4 am and immediately notice something unusual. My body is burning. I’m sweating.

I immediately wake up, and overflowing with energy, I head for my desk. I’m working actively, and I finish the BU work. It felt like I was pushing forward with only positive energy, feeling uplifted.

I break out a laugh at a slight joke I found funny from a foreign drama (The Mentalist) I’m playing while working. The greenery of the plants and the lighted sink glisten, and the scenery is vivid.

What is this?

I suddenly recall the story of a YouTuber I saw recently. He lives in a region where medical marijuana is legalized, and he explained in detail what changes would occur if you smoked cannabis.

To put it roughly, you feel calm and your senses sharpen. Trivial things can become funny, and funny videos can make you roar with laughter.

Then maybe...I thought, I'll watch Nagareboshi (a comedy duo) on YouTube. Usually I go, haha, that's funny! But that day I exploded with laughter...all of their videos were just too funny.

I learned that when you’re losing weight and suddenly eat a lot, it alters your mind and body as if you smoked cannabis. (※ Just to be clear, I don’t know what cannabis is like.)

Thus the BU work ended with me being high as a kite.

(※ I’m covering it with mosaics for now. I’ll remove it once I can announce it.)

○ I stopped playing TRPGs. I’ve been doing it for about two and a half years, but it also helped me in honing my creative skills. I’d sometimes perform, so it was useful when I was recording the scratch vocals… It was a good experience, managing to vicariously live the energy of ending a story. It was a story about a group of friends, so it was easy to appreciate.

Summing up 2019

After the weekly series finished in 2018, I was in a daze for a few months, but in 2019 I worked only on Jack Jeanne for the year.

This year I tried various things, and trite as it may seem, felt the possibilities within myself expanding. I had many opportunities to realize how important it is to keep a distance from bad things that don’t do anything for me.

During my work on Jack Jeanne, I vaguely thought about my future creations. The work I’m doing now in game production is fun so I wonder if I can keep working in this field, but I’d also like an environment where I can release things more constantly.

I can’t promise anything specific, but I’m going to work on things that I want to do.

I look forward to what 2020 has to offer. Have a happy New Year.

2019.12.31 Ishida Sui

#Jack Jeanne #Ishida Sui #Translations #my translations #time to hibernate

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sarahhlauren · 4 years

Text

Okay. Here we go. I’m really not sure where to start so I guess I’ll start from the beginning of all this madness. It was May 18, 2019. My mom’s birthday. I headed to work in the afternoon. I always closed on Sunday nights. My favorite bartender was working. We had spent the night making stupid jokes and making each other laugh until the last customer walked out the door. I closed at work like I usually did, not trying to stay too late because it was a school night. Monday morning comes, I wake up and for the first time, my body was not mine. It was not my own skin, it was not my own legs, my own hands. I couldn’t tell you what my face looked like because it was maybe 2 weeks until I could look at myself in the mirror. But, the world did not stop. There was work to be done, right? I had my first therapy session at 9 am, because prior, I had been dealing with severe depression, a final at 11, and my last final at 2. I had to focus on doing well and finishing out the semester, putting aside the fact that I felt like a ghost in my own body and mind. For the record, I got a 4.0 that semester, for the first time ever in college.

So it's late afternoon, I made it through my finals. I text my best friend, saying I need to come over and talk. As soon as I laid on her bed, I burst into tears as it took everything in me to say the words, “He raped me.” Even now, a year later, I hate that. It will never not make my stomach hurt. Within an hour, I was talking to three police officers, going over the incident in disgusting detail over, and over, and over again. Being asked questions a young woman should never have to be asked, especially by three young male officers. A few hours later, I was at the hospital. I went through the entire questioning process again from the nurse. A few moments later, I found myself standing there, naked. Being photographed, touched by a stranger, poked and prodded. I will never forget the posters of puppies with silly hats they have on the ceiling, as if that’s supposed to distract you from the flashes of the camera as you lay with your legs in the air. She forgot to mention that the hospital’s Plan B would have me in bed for 2 days. It felt like my insides were being scraped out with a rusty fork.

A few days later I eventually came home, and my mom was eager. She knew something was wrong but wanted to let me tell her on my own terms. The look in her face as tears streamed down her face fills me with so much anger I could punch something. That she had to hear those words and understand the gravity of the situation, and that I was pursuing legal action.

It was exactly one week after I saw him again. Not only did I see him, but I worked with him. Not just this one night, but for months. Because the investigation was active, I couldn’t say anything to my managers. This was the hardest part. For weeks, to act like everything was normal. To act like I wasn’t having multiple panic attacks throughout my shift. To act like I wasn’t getting alerts on my apple watch that my heart rate was pushing 120 bpm for hours. To act like I wasn’t in the presence of my rapist, as he was still approaching me. To act like I was listening to customers talk, when I was blacked out. If I didn’t act like things were normal, it could jeopardize the investigation. I am fully aware that some people may be questioning my actions. I don’t feel I have to defend myself to anyone. It was an impossible and unimaginable situation. I did the best that I could at the time, and I am so proud of myself for it. I chose to not take the easy way out. I chose to not quit my job. I chose to fight.

About early June, I was finally able to tell my GM what happened. I told them, “I do not feel comfortable working with him, ever again.” The very next shift, a few days later, my GM told me he was working that night and asked if I would “be okay.” What was I supposed to say? If I said no, I would get sent home, and in my mind at the time, that was letting him win. He took so much from me and I refused to let him take any more. So I worked with him that night, and for months. Being retraumatized over and over and over again. It wasn’t until months later that I could see how toxic that environment was for me. In the moment, I truly thought that I could just tough it out and I would be okay. I couldn’t see how much worse those months made my PTSD. Solidifying dozens of triggers, some still unknown to me until I face them.

About 5 months pass by, no news on the investigation. I had heard nothing from the investigator. These months were such a cycle of torture. My job wouldn’t do anything about him without a police report, and the police weren’t giving any updates. Nothing was moving. Meanwhile I am working with him a few days a week, retraumatizing my brain and body dozens of times over.

Trauma, anxiety and depression are really weird. Yes you have the common symptoms of lethargy, no motivation, sleep or appetite issues, but I feel like nobody talks about the blackouts and the memory loss. I have such little memory except for anything trauma related for those first few months. I can tell you every little detail about the following days, and weeks related to the incident. I can tell you what kind of car he has, his license plate, the exact parking spot that he parked his car in. I can tell you exactly what time he drove to work, which days he worked. I checked his schedule every week so I had time to mentally prepare myself to work with him on a given night. Do I remember my college visits? Not really. Do I remember anything I did that summer? No, unless I look back at photos. The memory loss is real, and it's weird.

Finally, my job transferred him to a different store. I felt a sense of freedom. Freedom to turn around at work without fear that he was looking at me. Freedom to walk to my car at night without a manager’s escort. Freedom to feel comfortable again, or at least try to.

Around mid-October, I met with the investigators again about the progress of the case. This time, it was two women investigators and I in a small room in the Sex Crimes Investigation Department in Orange County. It felt like they were on my side, or at least they were supposed to be. I didn’t anticipate being thoroughly questioned again. The same intrusive questions felt different coming from a woman, almost worse in a way. We got to the point where the investigators told me straight up, “it's your word against his, we have no proof of his guilt and without it, can’t move forward.” That was it. It was over. There was nothing I could do.

I did my best to move on, whatever the heck that means. There’s a lot I could say about my healing process, that is still very much going on and will be for a while. I’ll try to keep it limited. The most important thing I want to say about it, is that it is not linear. From May-August I thought I was fine, I was in denial. Then, someday it hit me and I understood the situation on a different level. One of the things I learned is how depression can impact memory. I have little memory of that summer, outside of events and emotions related to my assault. Each day brings something different. Similar to grief, some days are better than others. Triggers that once upset me, no longer upset me. Triggers I didn’t know existed last August, send me into a panic now. I still live in constant fear of seeing him, knowing that he is out there, living his life. Working through PTSD on top of preexisting mental health conditions was more than I ever could have imagined. It’s hard, it sucks and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I don’t have much else to say about that right now.

One of the most interesting concepts I read about in a book about trauma is called “learned helplessness”. I remember learning about this maybe junior or senior year in psychology class, but it never stuck until it applied to me. “Learned helplessness, in psychology, a mental state in which an organism forced to bear aversive stimuli, or stimuli that are painful or otherwise unpleasant, becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters with those stimuli, even if they are “escapable,” presumably because it has learned that it cannot control the situation.” Essentially, it explains why traumatized individuals tend to stay in the environments or climates that harbor the trauma. For me, it helps to explain why I stayed at work instead of quitting.

At the risk of sounding cliche, I would not be where I am today without the support system that I have. I am grateful every single day for my family and loved ones who support me unconditionally and have been with me at any point in this process.

I want to recognize how lucky I am, because I truly am. I am lucky to have been in a position where I could go to the police for help (regardless of the outcome), because many victims do not have that luxury. I am lucky to have had access to medical care. I am lucky to have continuous access to mental health professionals. I am lucky to have friends and family who believe me, who never questioned me. I am lucky that it wasn’t worse than it was. I am lucky to be alive, because not everyone is as lucky as I am.

I have a lot of reasons as to why I wanted to share my story. I want to make very clear that pity and attention are neither of my reasons. One of the main ones, is that I want to contribute the conversation about sexual assault and sexual violence. A big part of what motivated me to pursue legal action was the thought of me not being his last victim. Almost immediately I felt a sense of responsibility. Responsibility to do something about this, because again, I am lucky enough to have access to resources to do so. I hope this can spark conversations about the necessity of affirmative and continuous consent, regardless of circumstances.

Another big reason is to highlight the series of injustices throughout this process that have nothing to do with my rapist. I will not name names, however many of you will know the people that I am talking about. In no way am I attempting to slander them, I aim to simply draw attention to where I felt they failed me. I just want everyone to do better. To try harder. To do the right thing, regardless of company policy or whatever hardship it might bring them.

The first one, I believe was on behalf of the police. I understand the need to secure the privacy of the investigation, but they told me to “go back to work and act like everything is normal.” This was, and is wrong. I felt like I had to, because the police told me, and I’m supposed to trust them, right? Wrong. I feel they could have come up with a better solution, providing me more support than that.

The second one, would be by SO many people within the company that I worked for. My GM, the senior HR manager, and the 2 regional managers who were aware of the situation. All of them had the ability to not only relocate him, but fire him at the snap of their fingers, but they didn’t. I have my thoughts on why they didn’t, and all of them put my wellbeing at the bottom of the pile. The senior HR manager called me every so often to check in, and see how I was doing. It was made very clear that he didn’t give a shit about me and this was just a routine part of his job when he told me over the phone, “Thank goodness I don’t have a daughter, only sons.” This HR manager ultimately ended up telling my rapist the police were involved, which is very much illegal for a few reasons, and is ultimately responsible for ruining the investigation.

The third one was the investigator within the Special Victims Unit assigned to my case. Take this one with a grain of salt. I don’t know if I just got a subpar investigator or this is how they all are, but Olivia Benson would put them to shame. Without going into too much detail, I never felt heard. I felt like they couldn’t wait to get this case out of the way and never put in any real effort.

I would absolutely be lying if I said that I didn’t have any anger. I am so angry. I am fucking angry that this happened. I am so angry at all the ‘adults’ that I went to for help, and didn’t receive it. I am angry that I’m not the first girl that he’s done this to. I’m angry that I can’t prove it. I’m angry that in a court of law it’s his word against mine. I’m angry that he admitted he heard me say no, but it was the one time I didn’t put my phone in my pocket and take a voice recording. I am angry that a year later, I am still suffering every single day. I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I still think about it every damn day. I am angry that he gets to live his life as he wishes. I am angry that I am filled with petrifying fear that it will happen again. I am angry that I’ve spent months, now a year, in therapy talking about him. I am angry that I am angry!!

20% of women will experience rape in their lifetime, and 1 out of every 10 rape victims is male. This is real and it happens. It happened to me. But it didn't have to. And it doesn’t have to keep happening. We all hold the power to make it stop. Start the conversations. Don’t laugh at jokes about sexual assault, because it’s not funny. Correct your friends, family, coworkers, bosses, and neighbors when they make jokes that contribute to rape culture. Stop supporting that behavior. If you see something, DO SOMETHING. Be the one to stop it. Be the one to step in. Be the difference. Break the cycle, do better, be better.

Again, thank you to all of those who have stuck by my side at any point in my journey. I appreciate you all more than you know and I love you all so much more than my words can possibly express.

Thank you, and you know who you are, for showing me what it’s like to be respected, to be loved. That it's possible to be comfortable in my own skin. To let your light shine through to the darkness that existed within me. To show me how strong I am, what I am capable of, and what I am worth. I am forever grateful for you and your grace.

For those of you who aren’t as fortunate, I am here. I am here to listen, to confide in, to help, to advocate, to love, to protect you. I am here for you.

For those of you know someone who has experienced sexual assault or violence, believe them. Be there and listen to what they want and what they need. Love them and remind them of the good, because there is so much more good than bad in the world.

For those of you that have read this far, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear my story. I hope to have impacted you for the better.

-sb :)

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bangtan-gal · 5 years

Text

Ghost of a Memory

Kim Woojin x Fem!Reader

Telepathy + Necromancy

Warnings: smut, fluff, angst, some awkward parts, a lot of point of view changing, woojin’s character is debatable, dubious consent? Some lies and suspicious stuff

Word count: 9k

Woojin x Fem! Reader Powers!AU

X = Woojin’s POV

+ = Y/N’s POV

A/N: So I decided to split his story into parts, because it is a little longer and I’m struggling a little bit with some plots. I’m not gonna put a specific part for part two, but hopefully in a week or two

Mother nature was truly cruel. The sun was high in the sky, not a single cloud in sight. A light breeze ruffled the long dress around your legs and it smelled of fresh rain. Your grandmother’s favorite weather that she hadn’t gotten to enjoy in the last six months of her life.

The long black dress you wore was heavy and itchy, and a sweat started to drip down the back of your neck. You stood beside your grandfather, a bouquet of lilies and baby breath clutched in your hands. He was stone, his mind somewhere else, completely unaware of what was happening.

You watched in silence as the men threw dirt onto her coffin, the perfect promise that it was completely over. Your body heaved as you let out a sigh. You loved your grandmother; she had practically raised you because her daughter was too incompetent to do so, but for some reason you couldn’t find it in yourself to cry. But your heart ached and the emotions that swirled inside you were far from bright.

“Y/N, do you have any final words?” Your uncle called to you. You blinked, glancing up at him and then towards where the simple black wood case was disappearing. There was nothing that came to mind, just a terrifying blankness. Another sigh left you and you shook your head.

You were always positive, even in the darkest of times. So even now, with your favorite person gone, there wasn’t very much negatives. You knew that you would be able to smile easily in a couple of days.

Your uncle ended the funeral with a soft prayer and then everyone stepped forward to place their flowers down. You waited till everyone else had gone and then slowly made your way towards the gravestone.

Y/GM/N Y/L/N

August 19th 2002-May 31st 2080

A lasting memory that we shall forever cherish

You bent down, leaning the bouquet against the stone. You ran a hand over the stone, a nervous string of words escaping you. Your mind decided that now was a good time to crash, to not allow you to have a proper string of thoughts. You wanted to say something to send your grandmother on her way—but what was there to say? The breeze picked up around you, sending debris flying and your hair whipped around your face. A soft scream whistled between the trees and you stood up, backing away. You wandered a ways off and leaned back against a tree, closing your eyes and trying to collect your thoughts.

It wasn’t just today that your brain was completely scrambled. It was almost always messed up, struggling to connect memories and words together, sometimes completely shutting down all together. Something had happened, that everyone else around you seemed to know except you. There had been pitying stares, nervous glances, and quiet murmurs for the past few months—and along with that your mind has been a mess. There were some good days and you were hoping that today would be one, but it decided against it.

You turned back around, gaze wandering over the few people that were still there. A flash of blue caught your attention and someone that you’d never seen before, but you swear you knew, stood there. He was tall and well-built. Just like everyone, he wore all black, but his purply-blue stuck out like a sore thumb. He stood alone, staring bitterly at the grave.

You didn’t know why, but something, something inside you refused to leave him alone. Who was this guy? Why was he here? Did he know your grandparents? You fumbled over the uneven ground, holding your dress up and making sure you didn’t step on a grave. He didn’t notice you approach, his eyes glazed over as emotions whirled over his face.

“Excuse me?”

He blinked and shook his head, glancing over at you. His eyes widen—which had the strangest lavender hue to them—and dark eyebrows raise. He coughed and when he looked back at you, his face was completely indifferent. You tilted your head, having to lean back to look up at him.

You smiled, hoping to look more welcoming. “I’ve never seen you before… how do you know my grandmother?” “My parents used to live next to them a couple years back. They’d come over for dinner a lot,” he said softly. “My parents couldn’t make it so I’m going in their place.”

You nodded, your smile brightening. “You’re the Kims’ son?”

He laughed, scratching at the back of his neck.

“Woojin,” he murmured, reaching out a hand. You accepted the handshake, struggling to meet his gaze as his eyes looked everywhere except you. Suddenly, there was a flash of black and a spray of water. You stumbled a little and blinked rapidly, confused where the image came from. When you glanced around, everything was the same and no one else seemed to notice it.

A memory?

“Y/N.”

The two of you stood in silence, both of you disappearing into your own worlds. There was a soft caress at the back of your head and you absentmindedly scratched at it. It didn’t go away, but you chose to ignore it. Out of the corner of your eye you could see Woojin staring at you. Choosing to ignore it, you stretched out your arms and let out a quiet yawn.

“Have we met before?” You asked out of the blue, the question bothering you. Woojin stiffened beside you, refusing to meet your gaze as he shook his head. You frowned. “Are you sure? I mean—maybe you just look like your parents, but even then I only met your parents once—but you just… you’re not a new person.”

The man shrugged, ruffling his dyed-hair. Then he shook his head again, something like a snort escaping him. You frowned, watching as Woojin played with his jacket and then his gaze looked up towards the cloudless sky. Sunlight ran along his face, showing off his tan skin and sharp jawline.

“We’ve never met before.” His tone was stern as he said the words, but his eyes refused to meet yours. Then he reached into his pocket, pulling out a red envelope and handing it to you. “This is for your grandfather.”

He nodded his goodbye as he turned around and walked away. You stared, mouth open as he sauntered away. The envelope was heavy in your hands and you glanced down at it, running your hand over the rectangle. The wind still as you stood there, watching the mysterious, blue-haired man disappear.

++++++

It took several weeks, but you eventually forgot about the stranger at your grandmother’s funeral. You forced yourself back into the way of life, working at shelters, volunteering at schools, and helping out around the house.

The sun had just rose and the sky still had a pink hue to it as you sat at the table. You stared at the newspaper in dismay, fingers running along the text. Another school had been burned down three days ago and for the first time, it wasn’t an act from Miroh. There had been no drawing of a tiger anywhere on the building and the way it was performed showed that it clearly wasn’t by a “professional.”

You and a couple of your friends had arranged a fundraiser in order to get education to the kids that went there and hopefully get a school back up in a year. The clock read 6:54 AM and you sighed, getting up to make yourself a pot of coffee. The tile was cold on your bare feet and there was a glistening of frost on the windows.

Cold crept up your body and with a grumble, you pulled your jacket tighter around you. One of the aftermath effects from The Collapse had caused the weather to constantly change. One day it could be sunny and blazing hot, the next a frigid, cloud-filled day. It made it nearly impossible to naturally grow produce and most were either chemically made or grown in rows of greenhouses.

The coffee finished brewing and you happily poured yourself a cup before you pulled on your socks and slipped into your boots. You were met by a brisk wind when you stepped outside and you groaned as you watched a cluster of leaves roll across your lawn. All you wanted was a couple of warm days, especially for an event like this. How were you expected to make any money if no one would want to even leave their house? You hopped onto your bike and ducked your head down as you went against the harsh breeze. You called hello to your neighbor, Mr. Kinyong, stopped for a moment to give your old newspapers to an older lady who needed them to burn for warmth, and promised to help a young kid with her guitar later on.

The bike ride took you thirty minutes, since you lived on the far outskirts of District 9. You had grown up in JYP district, but when your father passed away and your mother decided that raising you was no longer worth it, you moved in with your grandparents. You had to say that 9 was much different from JYP—you typically got the second-hand crops that were grown in the bigger districts and you didn’t get to enjoy the luxury of meat or milk as much as you used to. You didn’t realize how much trouble the people were living in until you joined them. It had taken you several months to get used to the harshness of the area, the food rationing, and the sicknesses that filled the air.

You turned into the park, your hair whipping around your face. The stage and banners were already set up and your friends moved around, shouting orders at one another and struggling to get tables and chairs in place. You lurched to a stop and hopped off, pulling your jacket tighter to yourself as you made your way towards Chan-ri.

“Y/N!” She chirped, waving you over. “You’re late!”

You rolled your eyes and flicked her forehead.

“I apologize that I don’t have a car,” you grumbled, rubbing at your arms. You questioned how you were supposed to sing if it was nearly impossible to talk properly. Cold burned your anatomy and heavy jacket and gloves you wore did nothing to help. She giggled, pinching your cheek, and then turning to the two boys who were helping her set up the speakers.

“Don’t worry, all we have to do is a soundcheck and then you perform at ten,” she replied. “Hey! You idiots, don’t put it on the slanted grass! Put it on the cement!”

Her screech had you flinching. She exhaled and covered her face for a moment while she collected herself. You shoved your hands into your pockets and glanced around. The park was still empty, but the event didn’t start until nine. You pulled your hair up and then turned to Chan-ri with a grin, forcing yourself into the right mindset, because today couldn't go wrong.

You were pleasantly surprised by the amount of people that showed up. People milled about, checking out the small shops you had set up. You stood beside the stage, holding a guitar tightly in your hands. Nerves zinged through your body and you felt your confidence starting to crumble at the idea of having to perform that in front of everyone.

Chan-ri and Lucas both shot you a thumbs up from where they stood, the two looking like proud parents as they grinned at you. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at them, even though a small smile tugged at your lips. They announced your performance and you slowly made your way up the stairs.

You introduced yourself, smiling nervous to see a hundreds of pairs of eyes staring at you. You pulled the guitar strap over your shoulder and quickly started plucking a few chords. You glanced up one more time before closing your eyes and letting yourself fall into your own world. The words were easy to recite—they’d been something you’d been singing since you were a young teen.

With each song, with each round of applause, your heart started to feel lighter. By the time you were on your last word, you were able to smile throughout the song and actually meet the gazes of the few people in the crowd. As you strummed the last chord, your eyes landed on a familiar floof of blue hair.

You stood up really fast, sending the chair behind you skittering. You ignored it as you hurried off the stage, shoving the guitar at Lucas as he came to congratulate. No () way that this guy was here. You shoved past people, your heart racing as you hurried to find him. It was impossible for you to explain why you were so desperate to see him, but so many questions filled your mind and you couldn’t leave it alone.

“Woojin!” You shouted when you saw his back moving away from you.

The man froze, his shoulders hunching as he turned around to glance at you. Disbelief ran over his face as you marched towards him, a semi-grin on your face and hands clutched at your sides as you tried to fight off the cold. You stopped in front of him, tilting your head back to stare at him. A dry chuckle left him.

“Of course you’re here.”

You grimaced.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You mumbled, crossing your arms. Cold continued to pick along your skin and you really wanted your gloves back in that moment.

He shrugged. “I guess it’s just unfortunate that we ran into each other again.”

Your mouth dropped open and you flubbered for a moment, trying to find something to say. Woojin started to turn around again and you quickly reached out, trying to grab for his jacket sleeve, but instead your hand grasped his. For a small moment, you were only able to note how perfectly your small hand fit in his large one. Then you blinked, a blush spreading along your face as you awkwardly took your hand away.

Woojin’s eyes were wide for a millisecond before he managed to cool his expression. He cleared his throat, eyes darting everywhere, and you noticed the red that started to color his ears. You held your hands tightly together and shivered, glancing down at your feet.

“Well, for one,” you started. “That was rude, and number two, could you like… not run from me?”

He searched your face with a sigh and then his gaze landed on your red hands. Woojin licked his lips and then reached out, clasping your hands in his and rubbing them together. If your face was red before, it was probably sparking now. You let him vigorously rub your hands together and graciously accepted the warmth that spread through your body because of it. You tried to ignore how he didn’t let go of your hands after rubbing them and met his gaze, your teeth digging into your lip as you awaited his response.

“I’m not a coward—I don’t run from people,” he stated, narrowing his eyes at you. You grinned, the memory of your “grumpy” teddy bear from your childhood coming to mind. Woojin frowned and you coughed in a weak attempt to cover up your laugh.

“You kind of ran from me that day. I mean, you offered no explanation and then just ran away like someone was chasing you with a torch,” you commented.

Silence stretched out between the two of you. Woojin finally seemed to notice that he was still holding your hands and quickly took his hands back, pressing them to his chest. You tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and glanced around. People milled about around you, some sending questioning stares your way.

Then you squared your shoulders and looked back at him.

“Fine, if you’re really not a coward, you’ll go to coffee with me after this,” you said, raising your chin. Woojin tilted his head and then smiled and a flutter filled your chest.

“Fine,” he agreed.

“Fine.”

“Fine.

“Okay then!”

“Okay.”

“Awesome.”

“Fantastic.”

“Lovely.” “Wonderful.” You pouted.

“Magical.”

“Majestic.”

“Cool.”

“Chill.”

“Great.” “Good.”

“Y/N, can you come help me with the painting station, please?” Lucas called. You glanced over your shoulder and then back at Woojin. You pointed a somewhat threatening finger at him. “This isn’t over and you better come find me after this, because if you don’t: you’re clearly a chicken!” You threatened and then ran off to help Lucas.

“Got yourself a date?” The boy teased, poking at your cheek. You swatted him away, sending a glare his way and then made your way towards the paint-stand, where Marie stood, covered in paint.

You sighed and then couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up when you saw her absolutely furious look. Marie was a short girl, with skinny arms and legs, and always had the brightest smile on her face. Seeing the way her fists clenched at her sides and her eyebrows lowered was absolutely hilarious.

You grabbed a rag and helped her wipe off her face and struggled to get the paint out of her hair. She complained the whole time that she shouldn’t have been left there alone, because most thirteen-year-old boys are too rambunctious for their own good and taller than her. Marie was an easy target and teenagers would make a mess out of anything they didn’t have to clean up.

“Don’t worry,” you whispered. “Chan-ri will find them and give them a scolding they’ll never forget.”

You glanced over your shoulder, eyes searching through the crowd for a shock of blue hair. There was none. Something bitter burned in your stomach and you exhaled, making your way back towards the stage to grab your gloves and jacket. You pulled them on and zipped the jacket up to your chin.

You spent the rest of the afternoon helping people who wished to donate and then cleaning up the stands and putting away equipment. As people started to leave and the groups dwindled, you looked around once more, only to come up short-handed. Your shoulders drooped and you back to struggling with the speakers. Eventually a couple of the boys—the ones that actually knew what they were doing—ushered you away and took it down.

The others invited you out to dinner, but you declined and bid them goodbye as you swung your leg onto the bike. The bitter weather bit at your skin the whole ride home and by the time you stepped inside, your cheeks and nose were completely red. You threw off your jacket and slid from your boots, sighing at the warmth of the house.

You were greeted by your grandfather who sat at the dining table, reading over the daily news. His eyes were brighter than usual and when he looked up to you, his smile wasn’t hesitant or confused. The nurse was clinking away in the kitchen and you saw a flash of blonde hair as you glanced around the corner.

“Hi Pops… are you feeling better?” You greeted, bowing your head. He nodded and then glanced down at the paper. He rubbed at his gray eyebrow, blue eyes narrowing as he stared at the page.

“How’d the fundraiser go?” “We made just enough,” you sighed and sat down across from him. You drummed your fingers on the table, glancing around the empty dining room. “I think it’s so weird how not many people donated… I mean, you’d think they’d want to revive one of the only schools we have?” The old man nodded in agreement and then yawned. He set the paper aside and then glanced up at you. His lips quirked to one side and then he shrugged. You pursed your lips and leaned back, already prepared for the answer that he would give you.

“With all these gangs starting territory fights and deciding that schools are the best way to show their superiority, people are much too scared to send their precious little ones there, even if it means it will better them off in the future. Most people won’t even leave their house nowadays and I can’t blame them. None of those gangs have a stable mind and they do whatever they wish,” he remarked, glancing towards the kitchen. Tina stepped out with two cups of tea, setting them down. You stared down at the light brown liquid and then looked up to watch the steam disappear into the air. “You think people really want to put their money into something that could only cause more danger and lives and for it to probably be destroyed once more in the future? The majority of the community now believes they’re better off putting their money into a bunker or into transport passes. They hear all about the huge, grand districts that are far safer and have better education, food, clothing, and other materials.

“They aren’t thinking of their future here; they’re thinking of their future elsewhere.”

The room went quiet as your grandfather reached for his tea and took a quiet sip. If he was off put by the lack of honey, milk, or sugar, he didn’t show it. Of course, he hadn’t grown up like you had—with the luxuries of products like that. You could never drink tea plain, no matter how hard you tried, because at the end of the day: tea was just dead leaves soaked in water. If there were leaves on the ground outside, all you’d have to do is crunch them up, and just fucking dump them into some hot water.

You opened your mouth and then grit your teeth, loudly breathing out. You thanked Tina for the tea as you picked up the cup and disappeared to your room. The second you closed the door, you dumped the liquid into your plant and then sat down on your bed. Whenever your grandparents brought up any of the big districts, you always felt like they were mocking you for the life you used to lead. But did they expect you to just dump your childhood down the faucet? It was fifteen years of your life that you spent with ease—you loved your parents, your friends, your lifestyle—and although you loved your grandparents now, it would never be quite the same.

Your gaze flitted towards the rectangular mirror that leaned up against the white, chipped walls. You scrunched up your nose and then forced yourself to smile. It looked crazy. You dropped back, staring at the ceiling and thinking of how much better this day could’ve gone. The fundraiser could’ve made hundreds of thousands more dollars, enough to not only rebuild the school, but put actual security in it.

Woojin could’ve stayed and you could’ve avoided this depressing place for a little while longer.

You shook the thought from your head and then grabbed your notebook. The paper was thick and rough beneath your fingers as you continued to flip through all the used pages. There were a million images and phrases among the lines, revealing the fragments of memories and nightmares that were burned into your mind’s eye. You spent the rest of the night in your room, absentmindedly sketching images in the book and you didn’t realize that you’d drawn Woojin’s face before you fell asleep.

+++++++ You woke up late the next morning, groaning as you lift your head from you arm. There was a kink in your neck from the weird angle you slept in and your legs hurt since you slept in your jeans. Your arms stretched above your head as you yawned.

You took a quick shower and changed. When you got downstairs, you found that your grandfather had gone out to play bingo and that Tina got the day off. You threw the note in the trash can and went to make yourself a cup of coffee. Exhaustion pulled at you and when you had looked at yourself in the mirror, there were noticeably dark circles under your eyes.

No coffee.

“Dammit,” you grumbled, running a hand through your hair. A part of you—the logical part—knew that you shouldn’t be tired because you got more than enough sleep. But the part of you that always craved the morning drink, with or without milk, refused to take no as an answer.

You bit your thumb nail and then decided that you may as well go grab a cup of coffee and then meet up with a couple of friends. It was as if yesterday hadn’t happened; there wasn’t a cloud in sight and when you stepped out, the sweater you wore was too much. You quickly ran inside to change, grabbed a pair of sunglasses, and headed out.

Deciding against taking your bike, you started your stroll down the sidewalk. Mr. Kinyong was already out, watering his wife’s plants. You smiled, thinking of just how loyal and dedicated the man was—his wife was in the hospital with cancer and he had promised her that when she came back, all her plants would be top-notch, no matter what the weather decides to do.

As you got closer to town and the houses turned into condos, you were stopped by a car rolling up beside you. Your shoulders stiffened and you glanced at the car—a sleek, black sports car—eyes narrowing at the tinted windows. The passenger’s side rolled down and you were met by lavender ish eyes and a teddy-bear-like face. His hair was gelled back, his shoulders accented by a fitted leather jacket, and you could’ve sworn his cheeks were contoured.

“I promised you coffee”—somebody behind him honked— “so here I am to fulfill that.”

You crossed your arms, silently questioning how the man had found you. But then all the questions you had, the vague memories, the oddity of him showing up out of the blue, and the familiarity of him came back. Who cared if he was a stalker? Maybe you could get all your answers before he took you to his spooky lair and slaughtered you like some sacrificial lamb.

So, with a careless shrug, you opened the door and slid in. If the car looked nice from the outside, then it looked amazing on the inside. The seats were a custom white leather, along with the steering wheel, and everything was smooth and shiny. There were a million different buttons and dials on the dashboard and you didn’t even know how to use half of them. It reminded you of your late father’s car, although his hadn’t been that nice.

You expected him to drive straight towards the coffee shop you were heading towards, but instead he took a sharp left and started deeper into the city. You didn’t question him, instead you leaned your head back against the window, studying him. From his hair that was a mix of light blue, soft gray, and a deepish-purple to his sharp-jawline and puffy lips. What was it about him that was so familiar? In truth, he looked nothing like either of his parents (or at least what you could remember of his parents) his face was too unique to just see on anyone. It also didn’t explain the gut feeling that this man could help solve whatever happened a couple of months ago. Whatever had left your memory and was sending bits and pieces of something ominous.

You finally glanced out the window and saw that you were in the real city—with all the expensive stores and nice restaurants. Or at least the very few that District 9 had. He pulled up against the sidewalk and you watched, mesmerized, as he stepped out and ran a hand through his hair. The sun hit him just right and gave his face a sharp look.

You slid out of the car and followed behind him as he led you into a coffee shop. You expected to be blown away by the smell of coffee like your usual coffee shop, but instead there was a mix of breads, sweets, and the smallest, perfect tinge of coffee. It wasn’t anything like the worn down brick building and instead was fresh and bright. Potted plants line the windows, the floor was a shining gray, the tables white and blue, and overall had a very welcoming feel to it.

“Wow,” you praised as the two of you made your way towards the register. Woojin ordered a mocha of some sort along with a pasty and then turned to you. You finally looked up at the menu and your mouth dropped open. “Um”—you licked your lips—“isn’t this a little expensive?”

“Are you paying?” He observed.

You opened your mouth and then shook your head. You ended up ordering an iced americano along with a muffin and then awkwardly followed Woojin to a table. You mindlessly played with the napkin on the table, trying to arrange the questions you had. There were so many and part of you didn’t know where to start.

The silence was fixed when the girl came by with your orders and set them down. She sent the both of you nervous smiles before she hurried back to the register. You quickly took a sip of the coffee, not realizing the breathy moan you let out at the taste until you glanced up. Woojin stared at you, not a single expression in sight, but you could almost sense the shock.

“Sorry, this is just… it just reminds me of what I used to drink a while back,” you remarked.

Then he sighed.

“Let’s just get this over with, all right? I know you have questions and I’ll answer them as best as I can,” he murmured, eyes meeting yours over his cup, “but I can’t make any promises, because based on what you’ve asked already—I can’t really help you.”

You took another sip from your coffee, deciding to enjoy it before this conversation took a perilous turn.

“Who are you?”

Woojin bit on his finger, his gaze drifting towards the window. You glanced that way too, watching as cars zoomed past and as people strut past, wearing clothes that you could never imagine wearing. You bit your lip and glanced back towards Woojin, watching as he absentmindedly played with the loose strands of his hair. What was it about him?

“I told you, Kim Woojin. My parents were your grandparents neighbors a couple years ago. What else do you want to know? I’m a psychology major, my best friend is named Chris, I live with eight other boys in the Deep City, I’m twenty-two, and I drive a sports car,” Woojin stated. He tilted his head at you, still playing with his hair as he talked. You pursed your lips, getting a weird sense that he was hiding something.

“No—why? Why go to the funeral in your parents’ place at all? You never once met my grandparents—I would know because I went to every dinner that we had with the Kims—and even then, my grandparents and your parents weren’t that close. Actually, you wanna know something? I know every single person that was invited and there were no ‘Kims’ at all on the list. We didn’t even inform them; so how the hell did you find out?

“Oh, and that red envelope? Yeah, I’m a nosy person, but I’m still respectful. I didn’t open it, but it felt too heavy to just be some card. Personally, I don’t believe you’re their son, but I didn’t look into it.

“But all of that leads to just one questions: why the hell were you there?” You finished your rant with a huff and leaned back in your chair. You took a slow sip from you drink, letting the straw fall from your lips with a ‘pop!’.

The man stopped playing with his hair, his lips parting as he blinked at you. You could see the questions and worries that ran through his eyes. You rested your elbow on the table and leaned your face against the hand. The lost look on his face was too adorable.

“Look, I know I seem innocent and gullible, but there’s something not right with you,” you hummed, “and personally, when someone I recognize but can’t put a name to shows up after that incident, especially on my grandma’s funeral with a suspicious card, I can’t help but wonder if you have something to do with my recent mind problems. Actually—I know you do, because your eyes haunt my dreams. You’re the only person that I’ve ever met with those eyes: they’re too unique to belong to more than one person.”

You sighed, picking a chocolate chip from your muffin and tossing it in your mouth. You couldn’t meet his stare, so instead you watching the way his jaw ticked. A mental clock was ticking in your head as you awaited for something to blow up. Luck was on your side so far, your brain was actually keeping up and allowed you to keep your thoughts in order.

As an afterthought, you added: “unless, of course, those are contacts.”

Woojin let out a loud breath.

“Look, no, we weren’t invited to the funeral. But, my aunt worked at the hospital your grandma was in before she passed. It was mentioned during our family reunion last week and my parents wanted to come, but couldn’t. They figured the best way to give their condolences and get the letter to your family was to send me,” he claimed, no longer playing with his hands as he steadily met your gaze. “I suck at socializing, not gonna lie, but I am truly sorry for your loss Y/N. As for ‘seeing my eyes in your dreams’... that’s creepy and you’re probably just experiencing deja vu. You wanna know how many people have said that about my eyes? A lot—it’s typically unique things that we think we’ve seen before instead of common things.”

You opened your mouth but he held up a finger.

“I don’t know why you recognize me and I don’t know what happened to you, but I can’t help with whatever it was. I’m really sorry Y/N… but we have no past life together.”

Woojin stood up, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on. You opened your mouth in shock and then shut it. With a groan, you stood up and followed him out.

The ride back to your home was silently nerve-wracking. Neither of you said a single word and you just stared out the window the whole time. He dropped you off on the same corner he found you and when you got out, you turned around to just stare at him. You really wished that he was lying in the coffee shop, but you didn’t feel like he was. He wasn’t nervous when he said anything and he looked into your eyes with such… sincerity.

“Thanks for the ride.”

He nodded and the second you closed the door, Woojin zoomed away.

xxxxxxxx

He couldn’t stop his heart from racing as he hurried up the stairs. How could you know? How the hell did you even remotely remember? Woojin knew he did a good job, he’d picked through every last part of your mind and covered each part carefully. No one before you had been able to break past it—so why you of all people?

He stumbled into the living room, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants. Chan lay on the couch, arm draped over his eyes and his hair a mess. Woojin sighed and then made his way to stand in front of his leader.

“Chan”—he threw a pillow at the man—“I need to talk to you about something.”

He removed his arm, raising a lazy eyebrow at him. Dark circles were still under his eyes and his skin was extremely pale. Woojin frowned, not having to read the man’s mind to know exactly what he was doing last night. Chan groaned, grabbing the pillow that was thrown at him and chucking it at Woojin’s head.

“What?” He huffed, struggling to sit up.

“She remembers me Chan—”

“Shit.”

“—which means memories of that time might come back and she’ll remember all of us. She might remember what she saw and then…” Woojin trailed off, burying his head in hands. How could he have let this happen? Maybe if he just never showed up at the funeral that day, this wouldn’t have happened. For all he know, him seeing you was the trigger. He would be so screwed if the rest of the dust was blown away, because you would have too much information.

“You just couldn’t stay away, could you?”

Woojin glanced over his shoulder, eyes narrowing at Minho as the boy stepped in. Hyunjin followed in after him, hands shoved in his pockets and new scratches and bruises covering his body. Woojin glanced back at Chan, shrugging in apology. He… he couldn’t just not check up on you—you were technically his problem ever since that incident.

Woojin watched as Chan’s eyes darted past him, to Hyunjin. He hated the fact that he even looked to the younger boy, because he knew exactly what was running through his leader’s head. Woojin shook his head desperately, trying to think of some other solution than to send their hellhound after you.‘Chan, please don’t—that won’t solve any problems.’ The man glanced up at him, his tongue running over his lips as he closed his eyes.

“Woojin, we can’t do much else,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Plus, it’s not like we haven’t used this solution before. There’s been several times where you were the one who ordered it; hasn’t there?”

Woojin winced.

“Chan, please don’t,” he murmured, “let me try to fix it before you send him after her.”

A quiet blanket settled over the four of them. Woojin refused to let his eyes wander from Chan, despite feeling Minho’s harsh glare on him and the loud sounds of Hyunjin’s thoughts pulling at his ability. Y/N was his mission and he couldn’t let it fail just because the girl had some weird one in a million moment. He didn’t know why the memory loss trick was failing, but he was sure that he could fix it if Chan just gave him time.

Time was all he needed.

“Fine, Woojin: a month. I’ll give you a month and if it’s not fixed, she’ll never be seen again.”

He pulled up in front of the house, hands gripped tightly on the steering wheel. The majority of the lights were turned off, minus the kitchen and the porch. Woojin groaned and let his head fall forward for a small moment, questioning exactly what he was supposed to do, but his answer was handed to him moments later.

Somebody rapped on the window of the passenger seat. He glanced up, quickly recognizing Y/N’s grandfather. The window rolled down and the old man leaned forward, bushy eyebrows lowering as he stared at the younger man before him. Woojin blinked, pressing his lips together as he tried to think of an excuse.

“Why are you back here boy?” The man’s voice was raspy and sent chills down his back. There was always something off about the Y/L/N family and he could never pick up on it. He wondered if there was a reason that Y/N managed to push past the brain fog.

“Sir… you remember our agreement, right?”

All he got was a nod.

“You see here… the exercise I performed on her is wearing off and I need to put it back in place, permanently this time. You… you know what will happen if she remembers any of it,” he mumbled. His eyes darted downwards, something cold washing through his body.

The man sighed, scratching at the side of his nose. “Boy—damn—well you may as well come in. She’s sleeping.”

Woojin stepped out of the car, quickly adjusting his jacket. Walking into the house was weird because of everything that had been covered up. Splotches of red flashed before his eyes and he could hear the distant screams in the back of his mind. The memories were shoved back and he let Y/GF/N lead him to your room.

You were fast asleep when he stepped inside, soft snores escaping you. You slept on your stomach, face buried into your arm, and blankets wrapped tightly around your body. The peace there was almost ironic considering the situation. Your room was the same as he remembered—everything still in place and the white slowly peeling from the walls. Small and simple.

Woojin knelt down beside Y/N, brushing his hand down your arm. You didn’t stir. Then he sighed, painfully closing his eyes as he pressed his fingers to your head. There was a moment of stillness—of pure nothing—before the world bounced and he felt your thoughts drift into his mind. He saw glimpses of your dream; nothing too crazy, just simple images floating around.

He pushed past it all, aiming for the chains and locks that were over boxes. He glanced over them, expecting to see cracks of some sort: expecting there to be some sign as to why you were remembering everything, but there was… nothing? All six boxes were still secure, no cracks, no broken chains, and locks tight. How were the glimpses getting out? Was your mind somehow able to pry them open and peek inside? Was that why you could vaguely recognize him and were aware that something was missing?

Woojin pulled back, glancing around. He was always fascinated by people’s minds, he could never control the imagery of how thoughts and memories were stored, it was always by the person. Your mind was simple—the same layout he’d seen multiple times in plenty other minds. Doors and boxes, some shut tightly, others peeked open, and some wide open.

He searched through the ones he could get to, trying to see if he could find those fragments. Woojin wasn’t sure what to do if the boxes were still secure. Could he try to paint a person in your mind to explain his eyes? Put fake memories in to fill the void? He breathed out and was prepared to leave when something stopped him. Your dream started to fill his mind and though he tried to push back against it, it was too strong.

Woojin stood there, watching curiously. There you stood, in a field, surrounded by flowers and long grass. There was nothing in sight for miles and you looked into the wind, your Y/H/C hair flowing behind you. A soft smile was painted on your face and your eyes were focused on something.

Him.

Shock rippled through him as he watched his own self approach you. He looked the same… yet different. Happier maybe. The two stood side by side, shoulders brushing and fingers knocking against one another. His dream self reached out, intertwining their fingers and pulled Y/N closer to him. A soft giggle escaped the girl and you buried your face in his chest.

“I love you,” he spoke, his voice—well, it was exactly his.

You ran your hands along his shoulder.

“I love you, too.”

Woojin blinked and gasped, stumbling back from you in real life. He stared at your sleeping form, watching as you stretched out and then rolled onto your side. A blush was spreading over your cheeks. How-why-what?

He quickly got up and left the room, cheeks and ears bright red from the confession. Your grandfather greeted him, eyebrows raised. Woojin pursed his lips and nodded, trying to pretend like everything was fine. Something skeptical ran over the older man’s face and then he shrugged, deciding that it wasn’t worth the argument. Woojin silently bid him goodbye and then hurried over, sitting in the car for a moment.

His heart raced and his hands were sweaty and his face: why was his face so warm? Why was he smiling so much? It was just a dream, for all he knew, you didn’t really feel that why. But for some reason, it still got to him and his heart.

++++++++ Sometimes you truly wondered how cruel life could be. You sat on the stone cold bench, hands buried in your hair, hiccups and sobs falling from you. You stared at the ground, watching as your tears fell and sparkled along the cement. Goosebumps ran along your skin and the sun was slowly sinking in the horizon.

First the universe had taken your grandmother, then it figured it may as well take your grandfather. You pinched your eyes shut, sobs wracking your body. You remembered it all so clearly: you’d been the one to find him, convulsing on the floor, the whites of his eyes visible, and spittle dripping from his mouth. You’d raced to the phone, sobbing as you tried to explain the situation to the man on the phone and just begging them to get there soon.

And so, you’d sat there, hand wrapped tightly around his and repeatedly telling him that he’d be okay. Then you saw the light die from his eyes, your tears momentarily stopping and breath freezing. He’d stopped moving and the house went dead silent: but it was only for a few seconds. Your screams had filled the house as you’d backed up against the wall, tears running down your face and eyes pinched shut. Your nails had dug crescents into your arms and the paramedics had dragged you from the house when they arrived.

You weren’t sure if they gave you a sedative or if you’d just passed out, but you woke up in your own bed hours later. Tina had been there, sitting at the kitchen table, dried tears on her face. Out of pure rage and fresh misery, you’d lunged at her, screaming about how it was her fault. How if she’d been there, he still could’ve been alive because she knew what she was doing.

She’d called the authorities and they’d arrived, restraining you as you cussed her out and threw threats her way. Eventually, you’d tired out and you went back to your room. You’d spent several days there, just staring at the wall and questioning why the universe let that happen. Lucas, Marie, and Chan-ri had stopped by, trying to get you to eat and talking softly to you until you begged them to leave.

Today was the first day you finally managed to leave the house. You were pale, your hair was a mess, and people didn’t have to look closely to see the dark circles under your eyes. You’d left the second the funeral was over and had wandered aimlessly until you found a secluded bench to just let yourself out.

The wind was harsh as you sat there, forcing yourself to calm down. You sniffled into your sleeve and then wiped at your eyes. Another sob escaped as you tried to look up and then you broke down all over again, pulling your knees up and letting yourself melt into a ball. The only family you really had left now was your mother, who you hadn’t seen in over four years.

“Y/N?”

Your eyes narrowed when you glanced up. Woojin stood there, a teen boy with red hair standing beside him. You hadn’t seen the man for three weeks and seeing his face only seemed to tear at your heart even more. The memory in your dreams was just never enough. Your hand came up to cover your face as you hiccuped. If only the ground would swallow you whole and just let you disappear somewhere warm. Woojin exchanged a glance with the boy and he walked away, leaving you alone with the lavender-eyed man.

“Are you okay?” He whispered, kneeling down in front of you. His large hand found yours and wrapped tightly around it. The affection was odd, coming from someone so cut-off as him, but then the memory of the fundraiser came to your mind. Gosh, he truly did seem to be a teddy bear.

You wanted to nod, you wanted to be able so say that you were at least okay but that was far from the truth. You felt a million miles away from being remotely “okay”. Everyone was slowly leaving and soon you would be alone in this terrible, dark place. And so, you shook your head and shamelessly let the tears fall.

You weren’t sure what he was doing until you were completely pulled into his arms. You curled into a ball as the man scooped you up, holding you tightly against his solid chest. He started walking and you let your eyes shut as you just sobbed into his shirt. Who cared where he was taking you? At this point, you didn’t want to be anywhere.

The walk was long and Woojin still carried you, his arms not even drooping in the slightest. You were both silent, even your own sobs had grown quiet.

“Do you have the key to your house?”

You finally looked out from the cocoon of the man’s arms. Dread filled you as you stared at the house in front of you. Either way, you reached into your pocket and fished out the key ring, softly telling him it was the silver one. Your eyes flitted across his face as he struggled to open the door and then stumbled into your house.

As if he knew the house, he made his way through the hallway and stepped into your room. Woojin was careful as he set you down, running a hand through your hair. He smiled at you, but the sympathy that lingered in the depths of his eyes ruined it. The blanket was pulled over you and you lay there, staring mindlessly at the ceiling. It was the sounds of his footsteps that had you glancing his way.

“Please don’t leave me here,” you insist, starting to sit up. The blue-haired man glanced at you, teeth digging into his lip as questions ran through his eyes. Finally, making up a decision, he slid out of his shoes and jacket. The floor creaked as he walked back towards the bed and slid into the other side. He pulled the blanket over him and his hand found yours under the blanket, giving it a tight squeeze to confirm that he would stay.

Woojin leaned towards you until his face was just inches away. His breath fanned over your face and he stared at you, a deep sadness lingering in his eyes. You squeezed his hand back and curled up closer to him. A soft kiss was pressed to your forehead, your cheek, and then the corner of your mouth.

The next words that were whispered into the dimly lit room were left unanswered.

“I promise it’ll be okay, Y/N. I’ll make sure of it.”

It was extremely warm when you woke up. You grumbled, scratching at your nose as you stretched out in bed. It took moments for you to finally wake up and then you noticed it: the face that was buried into your neck and the arm that was lazily thrown over your waist. Your eyes widened as you glanced behind you, seeing the messy blue-hair behind you. You quickly looked away, staring at the wall in front of you and trying to force the blush on your face to disappear.

You managed to slide from his grip and you sat on the edge of the bed, vaguely remembering what led up to this. A soft exhale escaped the man behind you. He rolled over in his sleep and you watched as his hand searched the other side of the bed. You snorted and then looked away, a bitter feeling rushing through you.

You’re still alone.

The carpet was cold on your feet as you moved through the house. It was nearly noon and you sighed, turning on the coffee machine. You looked out the window, watching as the trees waved obnoxiously in the wind. The house was silent for another few moments before Woojin appeared, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes and his hair a mess. His clothes were rumpled, but as he stood in the kitchen, he looked like a prince.

He tilted his head at you.

“You had a nightmare last night, didn’t you?” He stated.

You pressed your lips together.

“Maybe.”

A soft breath escaped the man as he stepped up behind you, resting his chin on your shoulder and wrapping his arms around your waist. His hair tickled your cheek. You avoided his curious stare. Then he pulled back, running a warm hand down your arm.

“I have something to take care of and then I’ll be right back,” he whispered. You didn’t reply, letting the man leave.

And then once you were sure he was gone, you broke down.

You slid to the floor, pressing your face into your hands and just letting the wall fall. You sobbed and hiccupped, your shoulders heaving and body shaking. It was all such a mess. Last night, your mind plagued you with one thing: your world was being torn apart at the seams. And nobody could keep up to sew it back together.

Reality truly was a cruel thing to come for the innocent. You’d lived your life to the best you could—always trying to help others, never arguing, and forcing a smile no matter what. But yet, here you were, alone in a house that was too big, surrounded by your own faults. Your hands shook as you pulled them away from your face and just stared.

Loneliness is the true test for humanity.

118 notes · View notes

componentplanet · 4 years

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2020 Subaru Legacy Tech Dive: EyeSight, DriverFocus, Starlink Shine

Subaru Legacy Touring XT 2020 (April)

The 2020 Subaru Legacy is a near-perfect car if you’re looking for solid transportation and extensive safety technology across all trim lines. Every Legacy has all-wheel-drive, and enough driver-assist technology to be virtually self-driving on highways while protecting pedestrians in town (called Subaru EyeSight), track and alert inattentive drivers (DriverFocus), and call for help in an accident (Subaru Starlink).

The new, 2020 seventh-generation Legacy also has front cupholders deep enough to not spill a 32-ounce Big Gulp, were the car capable of a 4-second 0-60 run (it’s more like 7 to 9 seconds, depending on the engine). The engine’s “boxer” technology, similar to what Porsche uses, lowers the car’s center of gravity. The front and back rows are spacious and the trunk is enormous. Highway mileage is in the upper thirties.

So what’s not to like? Not much. This Subie won’t move the excitement needle quite like Mazda or Honda does among midsize sedans. It’s not as dazzling as the 2020 Hyundai Sonata. There’s less ground clearance than the similar Subaru Outback crossover. The new infotainment system and navigation had a few quirks, the kind a firmware upgrade typically cures, and stop-start twisted the steering wheel and my thumb a couple of times (more below).

The Nappa leather cockpit of the 2020 Subaru legacy.

The Car for Inattentive Drivers?

You say you’re a good driver; I say I’m a good driver. Yet surveys find the majority of Americans self-describe themselves as above-average drivers, which is statistically impossible. And yet, we also know people close to us whose driving skills or cognition worry us: teenagers and others in their first few years of driving, aging parents, a spouse or partner who’s had a couple of fender-benders that were the fault of “the other guy,” and people who text or create on-the-fly playlists even when they know it’s unsafe.

Subaru is a leader among automakers in making virtually all its safety technology standard across every one of the six trim lines, or model variants, of this new 2020 car. Buy any Legacy Base, Premium, Sport, Limited, Limited XT, or Touring XT and you get:

A dual front-facing camera system, Subaru EyeSight, to keep you in your driving lane, warn of / brake for possible forward collisions, detect and brake for pedestrians at speeds up to 20 mph.

Full-range adaptive cruise control as part of EyeSight.

An active driving assistance system that controls speed and lane centering, pacing any car in front of you, also part of EyeSight.

LED low and high-beam headlamps with automatic high-beam control.

All-wheel-drive for extra grip in snow or rain, or on gravel roads.

Any Legacy other than the base model has safety telematics (called Subaru Starlink) standard. Blind-spot warning is available, optional on two trim lines and standard on three; it also includes rear cross-traffic alert and automatic braking while backing up. An excellent eye-tracking driver distraction system, DriverFocus, is standard on the top two trim lines and optional on a third.

One feature not offered is a surround-view camera array that primarily improves tight-spaces parking, but it also protects you (if you watch the screen) from running into kids’ tricycles or kids on tricycles. Rear auto-braking provides that protection.

With the 260-hp turbo engine (top two trim lines only), you’ll hit 60 in 6-7 seconds. Add 2 seconds for the 182 hp engine on other Legacies.

Legacy on the Road: Mostly Smooth Sailing

I drove the top-of-the-line 2020 Subaru Legacy Touring XT, about $37,000 including shipping, with warm brown Nappa leather, moonroof, an 11-inch portrait-orientation center stack LCD, vented front seats, heated fronts and rears, onboard navigation, and immense amounts of back-seat legroom and trunk room.

Subaru lie-flat boxer engine: two cylinders go left, two cylinders go right.

With the new, 2.4-liter turbo engine of 260 hp and continuously variable transmission on the Limited and Touring XTs, it was quick, hitting 60 mph in 6-7 seconds. Highway miles went by quickly. Under foot-down acceleration, there wasn’t much noise from the CVT transmission; some testers have noted it on the non-turbo Legacy that has to be pushed harder to get up to highway speeds.

Most four-cylinder-engine cars have an inline design. Most Subarus including the Legacy have horizontally opposed, flat or boxer engines. They are effectively V engines where the angle is 180 degrees, not the 60 or 90 degrees of V6 or V8 engines. The engine is more compact, has less inherent vibration, gives the car a lower center of gravity, and allows for a lower hood and better driver sightlines. Against that, the engine requires two cylinder heads. Porsche also uses flat-six engines in the 911, Cayman, Spyder, and Boxster. The term boxer alludes not to the small crate it fits in, but rather the in-out motion of the two adjacent pistons that looks like a boxer’s fists.

Where most automakers use a combination of radar and a camera for driver assists, Subaru’s Eyesight system uses stereoscopic cameras. It’s standard on the 2020 Legacy, Forester, Outback, and Ascent; and available on the Impreza, Crosstrek, and WRX.

Pedestrian Detection Saves Another Jaywalker

Highway driving was enjoyable with the driver assists, a nicely sound-insulated cabin, very good Harman Kardon premium audio, Wi-Fi on Starlink telematics cars, and USB jacks for four people. In town, the driver assists work well; a jaywalker who popped out mid-block was picked up and the car came to a quick (sudden) stop. But spirited back-roads driving was not as much fun as some other cars in its class, notably the Mazda6 and Honda Accord. The 2020 Subaru Legacy is based on the same new platform as the 2020 Subaru Outback crossover-almost-wagon. But the Legacy’s ground clearance is 5.9 inches to 8.7 inches for the Outback. So the Legacy is fine in the rain, snow, and on gravel roads, but not the first choice in Subarus if the road to your country cabin is deeply rutted.

Subaru has rudimentary self-driving capabilities utilizing EyeSight, although Subaru doesn’t consider it to be formal self-drive tech and has no Eye-something shorthand name such as, say, EyeDrive. (BMW might not be amused.) Once activated, it centers you on a highway and proceeds at a pre-set speed, slowing for cars in front of you. It combines Subaru’s Advanced Adaptive Cruise Control feature with Lane Centering. As with other vehicles, activation is a multi-step process.

DriverFocus, on upper trim lines, combines a camera and infrared illuminator. It watches to see if the driver’s eyes are on the road ahead.

DriverFocus: Big Brother Is on Your Side

Take your eyes off the road, and the DriverFocus eye-tracker tells you to pay attention.

Subaru DriverFocus, an eyebrow module at the top of the center stack, contains a camera and IR illuminator to track where the driver is looking, and rats you out after 10-15 seconds of not looking ahead. GM’s highly regarded Super Cruise self-driving technology uses eye-tracking also.

Some driver-attention monitors count the micro-movements a driver continually makes as he or she drives.

I had two concerns with my test car: I was startled a couple of times by the gas-saving stop-start system. Occasionally as the engine came to a stop at a traffic light, the steering wheel on my test car abruptly turned a couple of inches and twice caught my thumb that was loosely holding the wheel next to the spoke. After the second time, I decided to keep my thumbs off the thumb grips once this car stopped at a light.

The infotainment system had trouble parsing some spoken commands, wanted to drive me to the intersecting street with the same name plus “Extension” at the end, and occasionally would not connect an iPhone using two different Apple cables or with Bluetooth. On sunny days, the LCD was sometimes hard to read and the brushed chrome-look trim strip around the center display reflected the sun’s glare.

The Subaru Legacy instrument panel. The center multi-information looks busy. (It is.) But it also gives the driver lots of information at a glance. If this feels like TMI, you can flip to simpler views.

EyeSight Is Improved, Still Unique

Subaru says EyeSight has been improved and I sensed that both in the ability to pick up a car ahead from a greater distance and to be less affected in the rain. In some ways, EyeSight in snowy conditions may be better than radar in that windshield wipers clear the paths in front of the two cameras. If snow blocks the radar sensor, you have to get out and scrape it off with a brush or your gloved hand, assuming the driver knows where the sensor is located in the grille. Also, snow and rain reduce the effectiveness of radar to some degree.

Subaru Legacy Touring XT, the top trim line.

Safety Features Abound

Even if you are a statistically good driver, a car such as the Legacy improves your odds of staying safe. It also improves pedestrians’ odds: A 2019 Insurance Institute for Highway Safety study found Eyesight-equipped Subarus reduce pedestrian-injury claims by 35 percent. IIHS also found Subarus with second-generation Eyesight did better than first-generation systems dating to 2010. IIHS said it found no significant self-selection bias, meaning the idea that safety-conscious good drivers might seek out safe-seeming Subarus and Volvos. Separately, IIHS found Subarus with EyeSight had up fewer rear-end collisions and passenger injuries.

How solid is Subaru on driver assists and safety technology? Here’s a rundown:

2020 Subaru Legacy Key Safety Technology, Driver Assists

Trim lines: Entry Middle Top Lane departure warning Std Std Std Lane-keeping assist Std Std Std Lane centering assist Std Std Std Blind-spot warning — $ / Std Std Adaptive cruise control Std Std Std Forward collision warning Std Std Std Auto emergency braking Std Std Std Pedestrian detection/braking Std Std Std Safety telematics (Starlink) — Std Std Driver-assist package (EyeSight) Std Std Std Driver monitoring (DriverFocus) — — / $ / Std Std Active driving assistance Std Std Std The table shows features as standard (Std), optional ($) or not available (–) on entry (Legacy base), middle (Premium, Sport, Limited, Limited XT) and top (Touring XT) trim lines.

Should You Buy?

The 2020 Subaru Legacy is a solid midsize car for people who don’t need a status symbol. The Legacy wins a lot of awards but not all of them. Consumer Reports has it as the best midsize sedan and one of only 10 CR Top Picks among 300 models for 2020. In contrast, Car and Driver put the Legacy eighth behind the Honda Accord, Hyundai Sonata, and the Mazda Mazda6, among others. Guess which publication favors safety features and comfortable ride versus spirited handling? The Legacy is also a 2020 IIHS Top Safety Pick+, which means good ratings in crash tests, advanced or superior ratings in available front crash prevention, and (the plus part) acceptable or good headlamps standard.

We like the Legacy a lot, even if within Subaru this is an outlier, a sedan in a company known for outdoorsy crossovers and SUVs: Crosstrek, Forester, Outback, Ascent. The Ascent had arguably been the best midsize SUV until the Kia Telluride / Hyundai Palisade came along last year. The Legacy had been unique in offering all-wheel-drive, but the Nissan Altima and Toyota Camry added it for 2020.

The steering wheel has big buttons and rockers, all legibly labeled. If only all cars were this clear with switchgear.

Subaru is a relatively reliable brand. The car is eminently practical. From the side, though, it’s hard to distinguish from a half-dozen other brands. Fuel economy is good, an EPA combined rating of 23 mpg for the turbo models, 29 mpg for the non-turbo. Real-world mileage should be several mpg higher, and with judicious driving, the non-turbo could approach 40 on the highway.

If you’re shopping Subaru for max safety, we’d suggest: Move past the Legacy base ($23,645 with freight) because you can’t get blind-spot warning / rear-cross-traffic alert or safety telematics, and past the Legacy Premium ($25,895) because you can get BSW / RCTA, but not reverse automatic braking (RAB). Blind-spot warning matters: Not all young drivers know to check side mirrors and look over their shoulders; older drivers may know, but may not have the dexterity to turn their heads sideways.

Every Legacy has dual front USB jacks (above) and, except for the base model (below), two more jacks in the back. Note how every jack and switch is nicely and legibly lettered.

The Legacy Sport ($27,845) lets you get BSW-RCTA-RAB in a $2,245 options package, along with a power moonroof and onboard navigation, for $30,090 total. Or for $30,645, you can get the Legacy Limited that includes BSW-RCTA-RAB, and the one options package, $2,045, gives you the moonroof again, a heated steering wheel, and DriverFocus. The top two trim lines, the Limited XT ($35,095) and Touring XT ($36,795), give you nice and nicer leather, DriverFocus, and the moonroof. So the sweet spot may be the Legacy Sport plus the options package, or the Legacy Limited, at about $30K each. Cross-brand shoppers comparing front-drive-only midsize competitors should attribute about $1,500 of Subaru’s price to AWD.

The Subaru Legacy should be at the top of your consideration set along with the Hyundai Sonata, the ExtremeTech 2020 Car of the Year. If you want a sporty car, look to the Mazda6, the Honda Accord, or – this is not a joke – the segment best-seller Toyota Camry with the TRD Sport, as in Toyota Racing Division.

Now read:

2020 Hyundai Sonata Review: Car of the Year? (It’s That Good)

Honda Accord Review: Way Better, and Honda Even Fixed Display Audio

2020 Subaru Forester Review: The Safety-First, Can’t-Go-Wrong-Buying-One Compact SUV

from ExtremeTechExtremeTech https://www.extremetech.com/extreme/309080-2020-subaru-legacy-review from Blogger http://componentplanet.blogspot.com/2020/04/2020-subaru-legacy-tech-dive-eyesight.html

#2020 Subaru Legacy Tech Dive: EyeSight #DriverFocus #Starlink Shine

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shera-dnd · 5 years

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Master of Cruelties

I just spent almost 3 hours writing this angsty mess (that is somehow 12k words long) and I feel like I fucked things up tremendously at some point, but I want to post it anyway

Disclaimer: Things will get spicy and things will get angsty and I’m not responsible if you start crying or if you hate me for this

onward with the pain

The Princesses of Power campaign had been rough for Catra and Adora. They normally used the game nights as date nights. A way of showing affection in a more elaborate way, through their characters, but all their characters have been showing in Etheria was aggression and pain. Now, at least, the first campaign was behind them and Catra could finally relax at home with her girlfriend.

She was standing by Adora’s bike, waiting for girlfriend. When Adora showed up she looked worried and Catra was immediately put on edge by that “Hey, Adora, is everything ok?” She stepped forward to hold Adora’s hand.

“I was gonna ask you the same thing” Catra was very confused by that statement and it must have shown in her face “It’s just that the way your character’s been acting reminds me a lot of...you know”

That was an odd way of phrasing it. What was her character doing that- Oh no “No no no” Catra sputtered “It’s nothing like that. That shit is all in the past now”

Adora didn’t seen relieved at all by this “It’s just that you acting out all that stuff just…”

“Brings back some bad memories. I get it” Catra pulled her closer “I thought we had put that shit behind for good, but if you want I can just talk to GM and change my character a bit”

“You don’t have to, but please talk to me if things like that start happening again for real” Adora gave her a quick kiss for reassurance “Now let’s go home”

~~~

Catra was enjoying kicking everyone’s ass with her beautiful commander, Alesha, as she usually did late night at the Moon Opal. She had just wiped the floor with some dumbass newcomer who underestimated her, when three of her friends approached her, looking very conspicuous.

Glimmer, Bow and Perfuma all looked like they wanted to talk to her, but didn’t know how to approach her, like she might bite their heads off if they got too close. As much as she enjoyed being feared by her peers, this was was getting tiresome so she just called out “What are you nerds doing?”

The way Glimmer jumped after hearing her voice made Catra giggle a bit, but that died out as she noticed how serious all of them looked “What? Am I scaring away the clientele again?”

“No no no” Bow said defensively.

“It’s just that you and Adora have been looking very tired lately” Perfuma continued. Oh god, could they get on with it already?

Glimmer was either really good at really Catra’s expression or her nerves just couldn’t handle more than 3 seconds of her death stare, for she simply blurted “We overheard you talking to Adora last week”

Catra just sighed and started shuffling Alesha “You guys up for some MTG?” she casually asked.

“We actually just wanted to know if things were ok with you two” Bow answered

“Things have been fantastic between me and Adora, but I know you dumbasses are gonna spend the next month torturing yourselves about all the vague shit we said” She put her deck down “So we can talk while we play”

Glimmer and Bow both looked unsure about playing a match with her involved, but Perfuma was almost jumpy, she wanted to be sure Catra was ok and she knew she could take her on “Do you wanna hear the story or not?” Catra spat out.

The two seemed to give in and Perfuma rushed for her spare decks. When everyone was set up Catra drew her seven cards and started talking “So do you remember the closet incident?”

Glimmer rolled her eyes “I try to forget it”

Catra just laughed at her reaction “What if I told you that was not the first time we did that? That was just the first time you caught us” She casually played out her turn as everyone just stared at her “Plains, sol ring, chrome mox imprinting dreadbore, Alesha, go”

“Don’t you just chrome mox me” Glimmer almost shouted and Angella shushed her from the other side of the store “What do you mean by that? How long had you been ending arguments by making out?”

“About a month” She said nonchalantly

“But you only knew each other for two months by then” Bow pointed out

“So what?” Catra shrugged “Did you really think it would take that long for us to start hate fucking each other?”

“You did what?!” this time the three of them shouted and they all got shushed by Angela

Catra sighed “Just let me tell the story, ok?”

~~~

Catra’s apartment was empty for the night as Lonnie, her roommate, was away for some music festival or whatever and this meant Catra could practice with her own favorite instrument: Adora’s screams. She did not care about her neighbors, she just wanted to have lots of angry sex and forget about all her problems.

She was just warming up when Adora just pushed her away “We can’t keep doing this” she said breathlessly.

“What? Your friend catches you in the act once and you chicken out?” Catra mocked.

“No” Adora said, in a more assertive tone this time “We can’t just keep ending every argument with sex and pretend that fixes anything”

“Who said anything about fixing shit?”

Adora was taken aback by that comment “Is this all you want?”

“Duh, that is all we’ve been doing since we met” Seriously, how was Adora not grasping that “We don’t make up, we make out. How did you expect anything else from this?”

Adora looked sad for a split second, before turning to cold anger “I’m done with this” She got up and started picking her stuff “If you ever want a real relationship you know where to find me”

Catra took a moment to process what had just happened. Did she just leave? That was not supposed to happen. Angry Adora was supposed to pin her down and have her way with her, not just get up and leave.

~~~

“Alesha brings back the entombed Master of Cruelties and that is GG, Bow” Catra announced.

Everyone looked stunned for a second. Perfuma seemed to be the first to recover her composure “I’m sorry, Catra, but that was simply awful of you”

“The way I treated Adora or killing Bow on turn two?” Catra asked, mostly just to rub it in that she killed Bow on turn two.

“Both” Bow exclaimed “Seriously, why would you say any of that?”

“Oh, you know how I was back then. Always acting angry and pissing off the people around me so I could avoid dealing with my own emotions” She hopped her nonchalant act was holding up, because talking about all of this was bringing back some old feelings she would rather keep dead and buried.

“Was?” Glimmer asked jokingly, but one stare from Catra was enough for her to back down with the teasing “Sorry, but how exactly did you fix that?”

“I did something I swore I would never do” Catra straightened her posture “I apologized”

~~~

One week. Catra could not believe it took only one week for her to give in. Adora was just some random girl she met at the store, she should not be reacting like this. Who was she kidding? She could say that shit all she wanted, that wouldn’t change the truth and it would only make things harder. God damn her stupid pride.

She gesture for Adora to follow her outside the store and she waited. Every fiber of her body telling her to abort mission and run, but there was still something inside her that needed this to happen. She didn’t know what part of her she hated the most.

When Adora showed up she didn’t look angry or sad, she was impassive and Catra didn’t know how to deal with impassive. They took a quick and silent ride to Catra’s apartment and just sat there in her room. Catra trying to gather her courage and Adora waiting for her to say something.

“I’m sorry” The words felt like teeth being pulled out “I shouldn’t have said all that shit. You mean much more to me than all of that and I’ll try to make this shit work, ok?”

Adora remained impassive and Catra felt like her stare would burn her to a pile of shame and ash. Every second of silence was more excruciating than the last. Catra would say anything if it meant having Adora react in any way.

“Why?” Adora asked. Catra was dumbfounded for a moment. There were plenty of different whys for this particular situation “If you really didn’t mean it, why did you say any of that?”

“Because I’m a huge mess that doesn’t know how to deal with her own feelings” She didn’t even think, she just blurted out her answer “Is that what you want to hear?”

“No” Adora let the word hang in the air for a moment “I have to know why you feel like this. If we are gonna have a relationship we need to deal with that” Catra was divided between feeling relief for Adora finally showing some emotion or complete and utter despair at the idea of having to delve into that mess.

She started tapping her foot, feeling nervous as she tried to put all her feelings into words. After some thinking she sighed “You know that look on your face when you start talking about stuff you like? How you get all cheerful and you feel like you can forget about the world, because all that matters is that one silly hobby you wanna talk about?” Catra gave her a weak smile “That was probably why I started having a crush on you. Like, you were so happy that it was impossible not to be happy too and how do you not get a crush on a girl that looks like that when she talks about her hobbies. All you can think is ‘damn, if I got her to talk like that about me I would be the happiest girl alive’”

Catra chuckled “Well, I never got to be like that. Every time I talked about anything I cared I had to justify it, every time I said I liked something I had to prove it, every time I played a game I had to be the best at it. If I didn’t no one would take me seriously and I would just be another fake nerd girl. I’m only as good at magic as I am today, because the only way people would believe I wasn’t just lucky is if I never lost, and then I just move here, find the Moon Opal and find you and suddenly all the shit I went through was for nothing. You get to be nerdy, you get to like things and have fun with them, you get to be gay and no one fucking questions it and suddenly all the things I fucking love about you start making me feel worse and worse. Why do you get to do all that and I don’t? Why did so many people hate me and hurt me, but you get to just live your goddamn life? I wanted to hate you, to hurt you, but I just fucking can’t”

~~~

“Please, tell me the crying is because of the story” Catra sighed “I told you not to kill the Master of Cruelties, Glimmer, it’s not my fault if you got killed two turns later”

Oh god, all three of them were crying now “Catra, we love you so much” Bow moved to hug her and she quickly pushed him away, but Perfuma and Glimmer took advantage of her distraction and hugged her too. Great, now she was being crushed by three crying nerds. Why were her friends like this?

“Can we please get back to the game? I still have to kill Perfuma” They slowly returned to their sits, but she could’ve sworn she caught Castaspella snapping a picture before they let go of her.

Glimmer wiped away her tears “Ok, what did you guys do after all that?”

“We avoided each other for another week” Catra could see the ‘What?!’ coming, so she just raised her hand to stop them “We agreed that we needed to think about things and that spending time together would only make things worse. All things considered I would probably do exactly what my Princesses of Power character did and things would go to shit”

The three collectively let out a sigh of relief. Perfuma drew her next card and cheerfully announced “Merciless Eviction, targeting creatures” Catra cursed under her breath “And what did you do after that week?”

“Well, we met at my apartment again and we had an incredibly sappy moment talking about all the things we learned about ourselves and how we now trusted each other and then we did what any reasonable adult women would do in a moment like that and just fell asleep while hugging and crying” All of them moved to say something again “None of you can judge me and you know it” They all put their hands down and looked expectantly at her to continue “The next morning I taught her how to play magic, she sucked at it and we just laughed at that together. She looked so happy for losing that I just had to kiss her and we agreed that was our real first kiss”

Bow made a sound that could only be described as a pterodactyl screeching “You two are so adorable. I thought I couldn’t love the two of you any more than I already did”

Glimmer just nodded at that “I’m just surprised you managed to deal with all that in just two weeks”

Catra laughed at that, a lot “Oh no no no” she tried her best to regain her composure “We had to deal with ghosts of that shit for like a year. Why do you think I still refer to my childhood as my ‘vaguely tragic backstory’? But we haven’t had to deal with any of that for years now. That is why my P.o.P. character borrows so much from that drama, I just felt that shit was far enough in our past that we wouldn’t feel bad for using it on a character, but I guess I messed that up too”

“Well, I’m glad you two worked things out in the end, but speaking of losing at magic” Perfuma smiled at her “Sorin’s Vengeance triggering Sanguine Bond, I win”

“Oh fuck me”

#dnd!au #sad #real fucking sad #lots of swearing #catradora #I'm sorry for the random people from the catradora tag #random mtg references #that turn two kill is completely doable #look it up

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poly-carbon-based-lifeform · 5 years

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looking for dm advice if thats ok? ... im a wannabe dm, and its been almost impossible for me to set up an irl game. so ive thought about maybe dming an online game. not even a campaign, just a oneshot to get my feet wet. but im really nervous abt being judged by other online players since 1) ive never dm'ed before 2) im young, 20 yrs old 3) im a girl. any ideas on what to do? sorry this is out of the blue haha

Hey thanks for asking. First to be totally honest, I’m also super nervous about the idea of playing with strangers at all. There are so many horror stories on the Internet about getting put together in groups with people you might hate or might hate you (Old Man Henderson and That Guy Destroys Psionics are some great examples on 1d4chan). I have only actually played with strangers twice ever; once as a player in a Burning Wheel game on Roll20 and the people there were very nice, and in my actual play podcast, where the first episode of the Quiet Year was the first time I’d ever even heard Michael’s and Rebekah’s voices.

All I can say to that is if you’re gonna be playing with strangers, screen them first. Be clear when you’re asking for players that you’re a first time GM and pay close attention to how people respond. You’re not obligated at all to let assholes play with you. There’s a particular difference between someone who wants to be helpful during your first game and a mansplainer who doesn’t think you know anything. If you’re making a game on Roll20, there’s an option to be welcoming to new players, which might help curb your demographic towards people as new to playing as you are to DMing, or even just people with a more welcoming mindset.

If you get a good group, it shouldn’t matter that you’re 20 or a girl. The first time I GM’d, it was a 3.5 D&D game I had written myself and I was 18 or 19 (is that right? 4 or 5 years ago, yeah). I didn’t know what I was doing except that I was having fun, and I screwed up a few times but we just rolled with it. I accidentally stumbled over my words with a character so you know what? he’s just drunk now. And my friends still haven’t stopped laughing about that time I almost wiped the party because I thought the challenge rating in the book was for the recommended groups of monsters, not individuals, so I sent three redcaps against a level 2 party.

In the end my tips for this are just►1. There’s no shame in being a little selective to make it a better experience. Alternatively, fuck anyone who judges you for messing up a little your first time?►2. To be a GM you have to have a general understanding of the rules, but you also have to be willing to just wing it. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, you could try playing a little bit of Dungeon World where winging it is built into the mechanics, even just as an improv exercise.►3. Have a drink with you throughout the game. DMs talk like five times as much as players, you will get dehydrated. Nobody told me this when I started, not even Matt Colville who taught me everything lol.

I hope this gave you some helpful answers! Feel free to send me any other questions you might have, I enjoy being as helpful as possible.

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tangotangredi · 5 years

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Behind the Scenes: Part 4

The Color Palette Sets

First of all, thank you for the wonderful and kind responses I’ve been getting for making these behind the scenes posts! I’m happy that yall enjoy them. If there were people interested in any kind of tutorial I’d be easily convinced to make one of those as well.

Moving on.

In a state of boredom, I had opened my requests up for 5 slots of this ask meme. Please don’t send more because they were really hard and a couple almost broke me.

Needless to say, I won’t be doing a color palette meme again.

So let’s begin!

Set 1: Tango in #7

After an hour or so of finding a face claim, I liked for my sweet jersey son I set out to source video. I get really picky when I choose fcs because I prefer to use photos and video they chose to upload (which means for faces I won’t use Pinterest or google images). I was really lucky that the model I chose for Tango also had a vlog. After downloading the video and screencapping an array of photos I thought might work, I set to work on actually editing.

Now here’s why I say I won’t do color palettes again

Every single frame of every single gif had to be recolored. Actually, every single image needed to be recolored to hit as many of the colors in the palette as possible.

I had to remake the “Are You Lost?” sign to incorporate the pink and added a transparent texture to the “What If” panel to give it something extra.

I was really quite pleased with how this one turned out!

Set 2: Holsom in #18

When I started this one I realized I didn’t really have an fc for Ransom or Holster or for most of the SMH crew really. So I took a day and started my OMGCP Face Claim List. A list of various fcs for the crew that has a sample photo, person’s name & age, and links to their public social media. At the bottom there’s also links to various modeling agencies where I find most of my fcs and other aesthetic resources.

After I found a Ransom and Holster I liked I sourced photos and video from Youtube and Instagram. Of course, Ransom had to have salmon shorts and both of them had to be doing something goofy.

My favorite fun fact about this set is that while the video of Ransom looks pretty serious he’s actually lip syncing a Disney song with a Snapchat filter on top. It’s so perfectly on brand for Holsom. If you click through to the video you’ll see that I again recolored his shirt and the background frame by frame.

Set 3: Bitty in #17

This was where they really started to get tricky. All of the gifs in this one were recolored. I had a hard time figuring out how to mix these colors in an aesthetically pleasing set together, especially when the first thing I think about with these colors is Christmas. And that really wasn’t what I wanted for the set.

In the end, I wasn’t as thrilled with this one as the last two. And Bitty fcs are SO HARD.

Set 4: Georgia Martin in #6

I was able to find an excellent George fc but she didn’t have any video that worked for this set which made it difficult. On top of that, there are only a few things that most associate her with: running, hockey, being a GM, (being queer).

The Team USA hockey gif is from the 2018 Olympics. I erased the year, Peyongchang, and the player’s number to make it as vague as possible to allow the viewer to assume that it could be George. This was all frame by frame and took near a day and a half.

It took a few hours and some help from friends to source a running clip like what I was looking for and it still wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Then I had to figure out how to turn being a GM into a visual. It was impossible to find any video of a woman in an office setting. the 2 clips I ended up using were from the press conference scene at the end of Iron Man and a 2-second clip from The Belko Project trailer (the movie is R-rated and I don’t recommend watching the trailer for everyone because of the sheer amount of gore and horror aspects)

Something I’m happy I included but annoyed it didn’t fit the colors was the bi flag elements. I love them individually and for her but the brightness of the colors made it clash with the rest of the set and because of the significance of the colors, I wouldn’t change them for the aesthetic.

Set 5: The Surprise aka Zimbits in #9

This request was sent via dm instead of ask so I was able to hold onto it as a treat for myself at the end of making the rest of these sets.

I didn’t know where to go with this set so I asked one of the discord servers I’m in and they said it felt like beach vibes and that’s the direction I went with.

Next was digging up beachy photos and video as well as a template to work with. I hadn’t done anything with non-typical templates yet. (typical meaning everything in its own little box). I couldn’t find any beach vibes from the Bitty fcs so I decided to look a little older, especially when the person that requested it writes most of my fav future fics for zimbits. After finding a good Bitty and Jack I set to work for video. I dug through Youtube and Instagram and found a few stock video channels here, here, and here.

Then I spent like 3 hours looking for photoshop brushes that I liked then building my own template with them. These also required a Lot of recoloring but in the end I love the way this set turned out.

It should also be known that color palettes wouldn’t be as difficult if I wasn’t using gifs. It’s a medium I enjoy and will continue to use but it also has a tendency of making things harder on myself.

#text #omgcpedit #behind the scenes #rosy #omgcp #bts #there was a 6th set requested from a friend and I'm considering going for it but I'm going off grid for the next week or so #so like ryan hartman send me a voicemail lol #also this one is like WAY longer and text heavy

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onlyawfulrpgideas · 6 years

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Railroading: Express Train Adventures or Leaves on the Plot Line?

“In gaming, the act of forcing a player to "choose to" do something they don't really want to in order to advance the plot according to the wishes or designs of the GM.”

- UrbanDictionary.com (other, unrelated definitions are available, but you have been warned)

Railroading your players is bad, right? It takes away agency, free choice and immersion in a game of unlimited imagination.

The term “railroading” is so often used in complaint – a negative descriptor applied to a more controlled style of game-mastering, often associated with pre-written modules. In published adventures, this feeling of being driven along down a pre-laid train track is – to a certain extent – necessary to make the game work. If the players are allowed unchecked freedom, it is almost certain that, at some point, their choices will cause events to diverge from the pre-determined story later on.

Coming to a game where you’ll be running a published module or adventurers league or whatever, expecting to have sandbox levels of freedom is rather unrealistic. Expecting the GM to accommodate your every maverick whim in this situation is, in my opinion, a little bit selfish. There will be inexperienced players who bring these expectations to the table from time to time, but the joy of our social-based game is that it thrives on patience, understanding and learning. In pre-written adventure scenarios, one cannot really hold the GM responsible for “railroading” because the book is railroading them!

So what does constitute the evil sin of “railroading”? That rather depends where we draw the lines between maintaining a cohesive plot, “railroading” and just being a narrator of your own story. Somewhere on this scale we also encounter the fabled curse of “being a dick”. For now, let’s leave pre-written adventures behind and focus on homebrew campaigns.

Giving your players the ability to make choices that genuinely influence the world around their characters is a key component of what makes D&D so special. There’s nothing wrong with video game PRGs, but there is only a certain amount of things you can do: parameters that you can’t venture beyond, because the programming isn’t infinite. We all know the three pillars of adventure are one third Exploration, one third Role-playing, one third Combat and one extra quarter of Sheer Craziness. It’s in the moments of zany plans and “you can certainly try’s” that push the limits of game mechanics, where some of our most memorable stories originate.

Letting these events play out and dealing with the consequences is the mark of a good GM: allowing your players creative freedom with their characters. Automatically shooting down unlikely attempts, without even allowing someone to make a roll for it, is a big source of “railroading” complaints. Especially when a GM overrules the description a player gave for their character’s actions, in order to force a desired outcome – whether positive or negative. It robs the player of their satisfaction.

When a player wants their character to do something that is fundamentally impossible and a roll would be pointless, consider allowing a roll to be made anyway. The outcome, of course, is unsuccessful; but it creates an illusion of choice and possibility. Through your description, place emphasis on the characters’ determined attempts to the best of their ability, even in the face of “almost” certain failure. This can do wonders for the players’ perception of the game and we’ll look at this in more depth later.

For now, an example:

When I first started GM-ing at college, I ran a sandbox-y story set on an island separated into a north and south area by an impassable stone wall with an ancient, giant-made portcullis gate in the centre. The logic behind this was that I had two groups whose stories took place on opposite sides of the wall. They could communicate and pass small items to each other through the gate, but not get directly involved in events on the other side (since they played at separate times).

Eventually the south team decided to try what had been implied to be impossible and bypass the gate. Despite being enchanted and over a foot in diameter, they weren’t going to let them metal bars keep them out. Against the advice of almost every NPC, they requisitioned as many cutting implements as their money could buy and set to work sawing, filing and axe-swinging away at the portcullis.

Being largely inexperienced, I thought to myself “this is stupid, they know it’s not going to work”. I declined to even narrate the attempt, streamlining the action into a simple statement of “you can’t do it: it’s impossible”. To my surprise, the group were rather quite disappointed, and after the session I had time to ponder why. They knew full well that their attempt was futile, why make the gesture?

Perhaps the two player groups spoke to each other, I don’t honestly know, but sure enough during the next session, the group on the North side of the gate attempted to do the same. This time, I tried things a little differently.

Their monk’s player was, frankly, a complete nutcase and this showed through in his monk-turned-pirate character with an extreme stubborn streak. He made his way down to the wall with every saw blade the island could muster and began to cut at the 12-inch-thick metal bars. I decided to let him roll a general strength check, just for the hell of it. Of course, he rolls a natural 20. Now, this was supposed to be an impossible task…

Without giving an outcome, I asked him how long he would like to spend making the attempt to cut through. He replied “until I drop”. So I had him roll Constitution checks to represent each hour passing, until he had failed three and collapsed from exhaustion. By this point, the table was lost in gales of laughter and cheering him on in the obviously fruitless endeavour. The following morning, the monk awoke where he had passed out, aching all over, surrounded by a heap of blunt saws, to inspect the small, shallow scratch he had made.

Both outcomes were the same: the gate was impassable and no mundane means could truly penetrate it. But one group left the table feeling cheated, “railroaded”, and the other tells the tale of the scene to this day. While the rolls were being made, they held onto the comically absurd notion that somehow, against all the mounting odds, success was possible and the effort was worthwhile, if foolish. Above all they enjoyed being given the chance to try and lamenting/ridiculing the outcome, even if that chance was only an illusion.

In more long-term perspectives, “railroading” is used to describe the instances where no matter what the players do, eventually the story catches up with them just the same as if they had done nothing and the party’s efforts are rendered pointless. This can leave a very firm sense of disappointment and dissolution, where the players wonder why they bother to interact with your world at all, if ultimately, you have already pre-destined what is going to happen. There’s nothing wrong with wider events moving on around the characters if they do not have any direct influence, but be wary of nullifying their actions.

A storytelling technique I’ve learnt and try (as best I can) to incorporate into my GM prep is the “Yeah but, No but” pattern. Having alternate outcomes in mind enables you to give the players scope for influencing your story, while keeping them firmly on the rails of your longer plot.

Perhaps the PC’s cleverly thwart the villain’s evil scheme too early through some logic you overlooked… YEAH, they succeeded, BUT... the villain is able to escape, or the plan is delayed and not stopped altogether. Our heroes have their victory: they saved the day for now. But they go forward knowing that the danger is far from over.

Alternatively, they valiantly attempt to stop the villainous plot and fail… NO, they didn’t succeed, BUT… they discover some kind of clue or blessing that will help them be more prepared next time. Even in defeat, the players can take some measure of victory and look forward to the inevitable rematch.

Either way, the long-term story remains unchanged. The journey to it, however, just got a lot more interesting and gave opportunity for character development – whether that be through revelling in victory, or a hardening of resolve in defeat.

Almost reminds me of… a railroad.

You have your Main Line: the express route. Full steam ahead down the easiest track from A to B. Everything unfolds just as you planned; the characters behave like archetypal heroes with one goal in mind and the campaign unfolds like a slick action movie. Nothing wrong with that, it’s perfectly fun and rewarding. This is often how some of the more heavily time-depended modules are written.

When time is less of a pressure, you might take your players to a junction or the “points” as we call them here. An opportunity presents itself to switch to another narrative track, taking a different direction to the main plot and exploring something new. No matter how many places you visit on that journey, the route you took still links back up to the main line: the over-arching plot.

Maybe your players take it upon themselves to go in a direction you hadn’t anticipated and explore a branch line. You weren’t as prepared for this, so the track might be a little bit wandering and there might not be quite so many significant things down there, but it’s a nice way to explore the fictional world you have created none the less. Not every bit of the adventure needs to be full pace towards a climatic confrontation.

Some sessions might feel more like a shunting yard. You’ve laced the story with plot hooks that seem obvious to you, but it’s taking the players a while to figure out what it is you want them to do – if indeed you have any specific plans at all. They might deliberate backwards and forwards for a while, exploring smaller avenues of adventure in the hopes that something will fall into place and open up the main line that’s laid ready for them.

Dead ends are a thing. Literally. And I don’t mean making characters just die because you don’t like them.

“Railroading” your players into failure can make them feel like you are just mean-spirited or don’t want them to have freedom to try. Equally, don’t try too hard to save them from themselves. If they know the stakes and take risks that might prove fatal for their characters, LET THEM. It’s their story as much as yours and if they are willing to put their characters’ lives on the line for their own reasons, LET THEM. Should they put all their effort into hurtling down the tracks towards a set of buffers, try to minimize damage without some contrived deus ex machina that saves them all at the last minute. Unless it makes sense for that to happen and even then, don’t do this more than once. They can always roll a new character if one of them dies or if the whole party is killed… Then that’s an awesome story!

You and your friends created a world in which to play, characters who brought it to life and who, in the end, chose to risk everything for something bigger than themselves. That’s Epic. The lovingly-detailed world they never got to see doesn’t disappear: it’s still yours and always will be, waiting for the next generation of adventurers to unlock its secrets and plots.

I think it’s time we gave the “railroad” analogy a new lease of life and a better definition. A length of straight track isn’t a proper railroad – it doesn’t have branches or diversions, tunnels or junctions, sidings or stations.

As GM’s we are ALWAYS railroading the players. No matter where it is that their adventures take them, whatever choices they make. There should always be options for different routes that connect back to a familiar narrative – however that takes its shape.

#d&d #rpg #Dungeons and Dragons #roleplaying #5e #3.5e

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