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anxiously-going · 4 years

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Hey hey hey so consider: me getting you started on the rocky road that led to the absolute lack of personal space between Jim and Bones because I read your tags and now I NEED IT (but no pressure, of course)

Hey! So I do have a fic in the works for this, I swear, but all of it that answers this question would need to be tagged anyway, so I feel I can answer without spoilers as far as plot line goes. That said, it is stuff that would need to be tagged, so consider this a heads up there are mentions of abuse, ABA/ableism, and discussion of dubious consent here below.

So to start this off, I headcanon Len as being autistic. If you’d like specifics, I try to tag the posts where I discuss those traits as #autistic leonard mccoy

This is an important place to start because I also have this headcanon that his mother was very ableist, and very much hung up on the appearance of having a perfect family, having an autistic child didn’t fit in with that which led to Len being placed in ABA therapy. If you don’t know what that is, when you boil it down it comes to a therapy intended to make autistic people indistinguishable from neurotypicals.

Part of this means things like punishing natural autistic traits such as stimming because it’s seen as “weird” or “not normal” or whatever. All around, just a bad deal. And again, kind of boiling it down (Because I could ramble for days about about Len’s autism) Len grew up being told, essentially that he was never good enough. Part of my canon is that his mother tried to talk him out of becoming a doctor because she didn’t think he was actually capable of it due to being autistic.

Second very important piece, Sensory Processing Disorder. It’s very frequently tied in with autism, and, you guessed it, Len’s got it. Trying to keep it relevant to the discussion at hand, Len tends toward being tactile sensitive particularly in stressful situations, meaning more aware physical touch.

When he’s overwhelmed light touches can be overloading sending him into a sensory overload and or shutdown. (And lemme tell ya, sensory overload plus anxiety is not a fun mix. It is a very special brand on anxiety)

Going back to “never being good enough” that, plus the sensory difficulties was something of a recipe for disaster. Because after a certain point of not being able to be good enough for certain people, there develops a need to be good enough for anybody.

Enter Jocelyn and the matter of dubious consent. Because she had tendency to prey on that need to finally be “good enough” and to “please” someone and talked him into things that, because of the Sensory Processing Disorder, that were uncomfortable and overwhelming and flat out scary. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he did it anyways trying to be “enough”. Which led to a boat load of trauma he did not recognize as abuse because he had “agreed” to it.

(Side note: I say “dubious”, but really, it wasn’t something he wanted, that makes it rape. And if you, anyone, finds themself in a situation/relationship where you are not comfortable with what’s going on run, just get out and run, please. Making someone else happy is not worth your health- mental or physical. You are enough as you are and if the person you are with cannot or will not see that then run away from them, please. COERCION IS NOT CONSENT, THAT IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE. COERCION IS NOT CONSENT.)

Heavy discussion aside, I have said many times that if there is one thing Jim Kirk is good at it is picking out abuse survivors. Which is exactly what he did with Len.

So it’s basically universally accepted that Jim went through serious physical abuse, and to that Tarsus and you have yourself a little bundle of trauma. The thing is though, Jim is very aware of his trauma. Len? Not so much.

Because of all of the above, Len was fairly touch averse when he and Jim first met and it was just this slow progression of him slowly figuring out that what he went through was abuse. This was all helped along by Jim, who on more that one occasion, flat out told him something he had experienced was wildly un-ok.

And there was this little bit of Len wanting to help Jim, and a bit of Jim helping him that he figured out that Jim was ok, and he wasn’t going to hurt him, and he could give Jim hugs and Jim wouldn’t expect anymore of him, and Jim would respect whatever boundary he set, even when he said “not right now” there was no pressure from Jim about “when?” He could tell Jim “no” about even just putting his hand on Len’s arm and Jim would listen.

It was still a journey, but eventually he learned that Jim would always listen. And eventually it became that when Len did need physical comforting, did need a hug or whatever it was He could go to Jim for that and he knew he would be safe. He knew he wouldn’t be expected to repay whatever physical affection. He learned he could trust Jim with his body.

(Further side note? I don’t really ship McKirk, um, don’t really write them as being an item romantically. I’ve kind of always viewed it more along the lines of a qpr. They definitely have a relationship unto themselves, but it’s not one that I view or write romantically)

That got really long, sorry about that, but I hope it answered your question, and always feel free to shoot me another one.

#anon #leonard mcccoy #autistic leonard mccoy #jim kirk #mentions of abuse #ableism #dubious consent #headcanons

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moiraineswife · 6 years

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Autistic!Kaz Headcanons

Just bc I can. You should all read @barrelrat‘s initial post about this that initially got me thinking this way/that inspired a few of the following. But basically I couldn’t sleep last night so here we are.

-Kaz longing for the quiet, peaceful familiarity of the farm when he first comes to Ketterdam. The city is too big, too loud, too bright, too crowded, too much. Everything overwhelms him for the first few weeks, and he clings to Jordie as the only stable, familiar anchor that he has.

-He picks up magic/sleight of hand quickly/easily because in addition to being a special interest, the constant, repetitive movements he practiced over and over again necessary to let him master the skills are stims. He does this a lot unconsciously. One of his favourites is manipulating small stacks of coins in his hands, or shuffling packs of cards.

-One of the things that makes him so successful with magic, with conning, with life tbh is his Need to know why. (this is canon, and I love it, so it’s not really a hc but see if I care) His plans are so detailed, so meticulous, and generally go so well because of how thoroughly he understands each and every detail of them. It’s not enough to know that, for instance, Wylan’s timed bombs will go off when he says they will, Kaz needs to understand the mechanics behind them. This helps him spot weaknesses, flaws, and patterns, and is one of the things that makes him so successful.

-Kaz being touch averse before Jordie’s death. Only now there are images and grief attached to the aversion. That makes it worse but also, in a twisted kind of way, better. Because at least now there’s a Reason behind it, and he can understand it.

-Kaz plans everything. From breaking into the Ice Court, to basic, every day to-do lists. He can do it all mentally, and keep track of everything that way, but he likes writing it all down. IT’s a way of taking control and it’s grounding/calming. Probably has an old blackboard/some chalk in his office at The Slat. It’s stimmy and it means he can doodle elaborate lists and plans all over it.

-Most of his stims are small things that he can hide. The streets worked out the notable ones from him a long time ago. He strokes the head of his cane, tracing all of the deep lines and groves in it, lingering on patches that are especially smooth. He flexes his hands - the feeling of the leather gloves curling around them is especially Good. Is also prone to leg dancing and finger tapping (especially to music. He picks out the beats of any nearby music and taps along to the them) But they’re all things that he can be discreet about. He used to hum, but when he was abandoned on the streets it was too much of a giveaway and he trained himself to stop.

-Kaz saying he has a headache when he becomes overloaded because he doesn’t know how else to explain that he needs to leave this place now.

-First signs of him heading towards a meltdown is always irritability. He becomes v easily frustrated, snaps sharply if interrupted, becomes frantic if he can’t easily find something, and is agitated and irritated by even small sounds in his vicinity. Will murder you for being too Loud when he’s like this because he just can’t deal with it.

-Never has meltdowns in front of other people. He instinctively suppresses them in public/on a job. This typically causes a massive shutdown afterwards. he locks himself in his room, turns off all the light, and buries himself in his bed where it’s dark and quiet. He refuses to see anyone during that time, and everyone knows not to bother him/to let him recover in peace.

-Has shutdowns more frequently than meltdowns. Becomes nonverbal during them, very withdrawn and unresponsive - typically the only communication anyone gets out of him then is nods/shakes of the head.

-Bad trauma days make his sensory issues much, much worse. Some days he can’t leave his room because the very feel of the air on his skin is too much. He won’t even let Inej see him on those days, he needs to be alone to be able to meltdown/stim and process everything the way he needs to.

-Occassionally becomes utterly Consumed by short but very very intense special interests. Once developed one in baking, it only lasted about a week but it was Intense. He was covered in flour for days and was constantly trying new things, and tweaking old recipes to make them completely perfect. Only Kaz could turn cake-making into a form of science. He experimented with different methods of mixing, different amounts of flour, the order he added the ingredients in etc etc etc. The Dregs were baffled but delighted. Nina swears she has never eaten better waffles in her entire life.

-His cane becomes a comfort object, he gets really angsty if he doesn’t have it close at hand at all times. His gloves are comfort objects too, even if he manages to stop wearing them all the time, he always keeps them on him. Inej brings him back a small, smooth, polished stone she found on her travels - it becomes a comfort object, too. He always has it in his pocket.

-Can recreate maps/building plans he’s studied incredibly accurately....But he has no sense of direction. Frequently gets lost in The Slat. Only manages to navigate the city bc he’s carefully memorised maps/routes/landmarks.

-APD has him threatening to gag Jesper at least twice a week because ‘I can’t process two different speakers/conversations at once, Jesper shut up.’

-Loves listening to Wylan play flute. Will legit sit and listen to him quietly for hours. Wylan starts noticing when Kaz is getting overloaded and, if he’s able, will discreetly play for a little while to help ground him.

-One time Inej changed her perfume an he became so irritated and bothered and he couldn’t understand why which was almost more frustrating. Eventually she realised what was wrong.

-Hates clothes with high/tight collars, they feel like they’re strangling him.

-I’m not entirely sure if this is possible Heartrender wise, or rather, if it was possible pre-parem but, like, humour me okay? He asks Nina to use her abilities to lessen the quality of his hearing/eyesight/touch, just slightly, and only for short periods of time, but it really helps when he’s becoming overloaded.

-Will cut you if you fuck with his routine/his plans in any way. (Always has v precise, detailed plans and no, we can’t go there first, because if we go there first then x, y, z will happen, and we won’t be able to do that, and the world will end no just everybody do as I say I have worked this shit out)

-Absently stroking Inej’s hair = The Best Stim.

-The pickiest of picky eaters.

-Kaz ‘I don’t like new things’ Brekker. Nina despairs over him bc he orders exactly the same thing every single time they go out for anything to eat.

-One time a restaurant took his item off their menu and Kaz Twitched uncomfortably until the owner told him they kept a few of the necessary ingredients on-hand for him so he could still have it. All of Ketterdam relaxed and a shrine was later built to this good woman’s sense.

-Had to carefully teach himself to read each individual person’s tone/expressions/body language etc for each job. He constantly studies people and improves his understanding of them - it’s like watching for tells in a fight/card game, but with everything. Keeps very detailed, very extensive notes. Doesn’t realise that not everyone has to do this until Nina spots his notes on her and is just like ??? Kaz ??? is this necessary ?????

-Dsypraxia!Kaz - performs incredible precise, delicate, deft lock-picking one minute. Bangs into the corner of a desk the next bc it was moved an inch to the right of its usual spot.

-One day, Mathias decides to be ‘helpful’ and sets about fixing up The Slat. Kaz walks in and freezes. ‘No.’ ‘But the floorboards were creaking here so-’ ‘No.’ ‘The roof leaked a little, I thought-’ ‘No.’ ‘The carpets were-’ ‘No.’ ‘The paintwork could use a little freshening u-’ ‘No.’ Kaz threatens to drown him in the fresh tin of paint he has open and ready next to him and methodically undoes all of Mathias’ fixes until the Slat is creaking, whistling, leaking, and tripping people up as it should.

-One time Nina got bored and decided to rearrange the furniture ‘for a change’. This did not go down well.

-Gunshots are sensory hell tbh.

-Views literally everything in terms of business arrangements bc it’s the only way he’s learned to really make sense of social interactions?? People are loyal to him bc he knows their secrets, and bc he’s the most beneficial to their interests than any other gang leader in Ketterdam. People will do favours for him bc he’s done things for them in the past/would do in the future. ‘I will make you waffles today, and you will promise to help me with my sensory shit at a later date when I need you to. The deal is the deal.’ ‘Uh...Kaz...We’re friends?????’ Kaz: *this does not compute* *Nina sighs and just nods and yes, yes, u strange boy, just prepare me my waffles*

-He slowly starts to understand things on a more personal/intimate/informal level when he’s with Inej and they start getting closer. But he still, at the end of the day, rationalises/makes sense of everything via a structure that’s simple, and logical to him, and that’s by viewing it as a job. Inej is patient with him, and pretty understanding...As long as he never gets to the point of, like, ‘I have kissed you three times today, this equates to a ten minute leg massage, I would like to cash this in now, please.’ (He never does. (Except once when he was teasing her about it and she just like ffs, kaz, u had me for a minute there.))

-Has a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with a stray cat he insists he hasn’t adopted. He feeds it and gives it somewhere warm to sleep. In return it is an A++++ stim toy. V soft and it’s a great, warm presssure stim when it curls up in his lap which is obviously the only reason he lets it do this. But he has not adopted it, this is strictly a business arrangement- I can see you rolling your eyes at me, Nina. (Its name is ‘Demjin.’)

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