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musings-of-a-rose · 2 days

Text

Jump Then Fall - Chapter 4

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc “Vanessa Morales”

Word Count: 5000

Rating: M for mature - 18+ only!

Warnings: Please be aware there is an 11 year age gap. Mature themes and some canon mentioned. Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

Notes: Well, we've finally reached the end! I'm so sorry this took forever to get out. I really do love these 2 and would welcome any asks about them! When the story starts, Vanessa is 19 and Javier is 30 but in this part, Javier is 36 and Vanessa is 25.

**Shoutout to @vanemando15 for listening and bouncing ideas from me, and for her guidance with being a Latina herself. Without her, this wouldn’t even be a thing, just another line on my WIP spreadsheet. And also to my husband, who is also Latino and answered any questions I had (along with taking me to Colombia back in 2014). And to @wyn-n-tonic, who listened to my rambles and insecurities about writing an oc in first person.

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Jump Then Fall Masterlist

General Masterlist

Javier Peña Masterlist

<<Chapter 3<<

I don't see him until lunch the next day as he and Chucho had run into town for a few things. They both come in with some grocery bags and set them on the counter.

"They were out of broccoli so I got green beans. Will that work?" Chucho asks as he hands me a bag of fresh cut green beans.

I take them with a smirk. "Why do I get the feeling they weren't out and you just didn't want to eat the broccoli?"

"She's got you there, pops." Javier chuckles as Chucho punches his arm.

"Pendejo."

"Alright, alright. Get cleaned up and I'll make you both some lunch. Extra broccoli for you, old man."

Chucho hides a smile, grumbling as he heads upstairs to his bathroom. Javier stays in the kitchen with me, helping to unload the bags.

"New relaxation thing?" I raise my eyebrows at him.

"What?"

I gesture towards his mouth. "The chewing gum."

"Oh. Nope. Giving up the other one. I'm trying the Nicorette thing."

I close the refrigerator door and look at him. "Really?"

He shrugs. "It's a nasty habit, or so I'm told."

I turn away from him quickly, trying to hide the warmth creeping up at face at his use of my words.

"Well that person must be very smart to say that."

"I think so."

-------

I don't find the time to tell him the next day. Or the next. Or the next. Despite having a lot of chances to. Javier always finds his way to me around the house, chatting and asking me questions. I try to ask him some too, but his eyes grow dark and distant and he shuts in on himself, no doubt recalling the horrors of his time pursuing Escobar. I stop asking.

"Vanessa! We have to go or we'll be late to Danny's wedding!" Chucho yells up the stairs at me, just as I'm putting on my mascara.

"I'll be right down!" I take one last look at myself in the mirror, smoothing down my dress. It was bold, for me anyway. Spaghetti straps and a form fitting dress that stops just above my knee, a lacy slip over top of it all that's long sleeved. It's a dark green color, always one of my favorites. I'm not sure it's entirely wedding appropriate, but it's the only thing that I liked that fit me decent enough. My hair is down and loosely curled and I turn my head back and forth to make sure the bounce had stayed.

I grab my clutch and head downstairs. Chucho stands at the foot of the stairs, smiling at me.

"You look beautiful, Vanessa."

"You're just saying that so I won't make broccoli next week."

He chuckles and gives me a hug. "You caught me. Oh, when's Alex back?"

"Next week."

"Pops, we have to get going or we'll..." Javier comes walking back inside the front door, red flannel shirt tucked into tight jeans that hug his body in all the right ways. He stares at me, his eyes moving up and down my body until Chucho elbows him in the stomach.

"Fuck! You uh..you look uh nice, Vanessa."

"Nice?" Chucho says, chuckling in disbelief. "I thought you knew how to talk to women." He heads out the door, leaving Javier and I standing in the entry.

"You look really..handsome." I manage to choke out at Javier. "Now come on. Your dad will kill us if we're late."

I move to hop in the truck and then realize the stick shift will need to be right between my legs if I wanted to ride in the front.

"I'll get in the back," Javier speaks into my ear.

"No you won't. The bed is dirty and I will not have my son walking into church covered in-"

Javier puts his hands up. "Ok, ok. We'll figure it out."

I get in, taking Javier's offered hand to help me up into the cab. I slide across the bench, looking down at the gear shift as Javier slides in next to me. I try to move my legs but there's nowhere for them to move to.

"Tuck them next to my leg." I look up at Javier, the closest I've been to him since that night.

"Are you s-sure?"

"Yeah. I won't bite." I swear he mumbles "Unless you want me to" under his breath but maybe I'm projecting.

We make it to the church on time. Well, early actually as Chucho wanted "a good seat." We get out of the truck and to my surprise, Javier offers me his arm again. I take it, using him to help me out of the cab, smoothing down my dress when I finally plant my feet on the ground. But he doesn't let go, doesn't drop my arm, letting me choose if I wanted to hold onto him or not. I link my arm further in his, noting the small smile he's fighting to contain on his face.

I am very glad I chose to hold onto him. Not just because his touch is electrifying my body, but because the ground in the dirt parking lot is very uneven, the last rainstorm having put in several large potholes and what feels like millions of smaller ones. Javier saved me from falling right in the mud more than a few times. When we finally make it to the pavement, he still doesn't drop my arm, looking down at me with raised eyebrows, silently asking me what I'd like to do.

"Oh no. I'm attached now. If you let me go, I'll fall on my butt I know it."

He chuckles and covers my hand with his large one, engulfing mine. "I got you, baby."

We say our hello's to everyone as we enter and I feel Javier tense next to me at the amount of attention he's starting to receive. Many people wanting to shake his hand and tell them how proud they are of him, that he's a hero. He smiles, although it doesn't reach his eyes, and thanks them, shaking their hands with his free one. This happens several times on our way to the pew Chucho wanted and after the third time, I place my free hand over his, giving it a light squeeze. I can feel him relax into me slightly as the man in front of us thanks him yet again. But as the next person approaches, I cut them off.

"Juan, it's so nice to see you, but we need to sit. These shoes weren't made for real feet," I chuckle and nod my head towards my feet. "I swear if Javier weren't escorting me I'd be taking these things off or fallen on my rear end by now."

"Oh! Yeah go sit. See you later, Javs!"

We finally make it to our row and Javier gestures for me to go ahead. I make my way in, sitting down as Javier slides in next to me.

"Hey, thanks." He speaks quietly so only I can hear him.

"Yeah of course. Anytime."

Shortly after, the ceremony starts and Javier places his arm across the pew behind me and I will myself to not blush and just pretend like I'm focusing on the sermon, the priest now saying something about love and devotion in marriage or..something. I have no clue as I feel Javier stretch a little and slide a little closer to me in the pew, our hips almost touching.

The reception was beautiful, music starting up a bit later while everyone was eating. We finish eating and Javier turns to me, mischief in his eyes.

"Dance with me?" His hand is outstretched towards me and I take it without hesitation.

"Do you know how?" I ask as he pulls me to my feet.

"Do you?"

"Fair question."

He escorts me onto the dance floor, placing his hand confidently on my hip, the other taking my hand. The music starts and he spins us around, our feet moving together to the beat. His eyes are on me and mine on his, the air between us igniting with something that we felt 6 years ago.

That realization jolts me back to the present and I move my head next to his, looking over his shoulder. I really need to tell him. I catch sight of a blonde woman, about Javier's age, giving me a really nasty look. But then the songs ends and Javier pulls back.

"Thirsty?"

"Yeah."

We head back to the table and sit, several more people coming up to shake Javier's hand and tell him how proud they were, that he's a hero, all of it. I can see that far away look in his eyes, like he's here but not here. His eyes lock on something across the room and he leans towards Chucho and me.

"I'll be right back."

I watch him walk across the room towards the blonde woman who had given me such a nasty look earlier.

"Who is that?" I lean over to Chucho, nodding towards them. He glances up before looking back down at his plate of food.

"Lorraine. His ex."

"Oh. They serious?"

He takes a bite of his food and chews. "They were. But that was maybe 10 years ago?"

"Hhm.. how serious?"

"Well, they were going to get married."

"Oh."

Chucho looks at me and leans in. "He left her though. The day of."

"The day of...the wedding??"

"Not one of his best moments. But he was young and scared. And stupid."

I look over at them, a man now walking up to them and putting his arm around Lorraine.

"Well she seems to have done alright."

"Yeah. Married some banker or real estate guy or something. Seems happy. Couple of kids."

"Should you have told me this?"

Chucho gestures around at the room. "Everyone here was there that day. They all know. It's not a secret."

I nod, turning to look back at them when I see Javier turn, his hand doing that thing where it opens and closes, his bottom lip worrying slightly into his teeth. He stops a few steps away from Lorraine and looks back, watching as she picks up her kids and animatedly talks to them. When he turns back around, his face is full of regret and want, but I don't know if it's about her or the kids, his almost family. He walks through the room and out the back door.

"I'll be right back."

I get up and cross the room, heading out the door Javier did. I look around and see him sitting on a bench under a tree several feet out from the reception room. He pulls out some gum from his pocket and stuffs it in his mouth, his jaw chewing furiously. I walk up to him and he looks up at me, his eyes sad.

"Can I sit?" I ask, gesturing to the space next to him on the bench. He nods at the space, leaning back to put his arm across the back of the bench behind me.

"Thank you," I say to him after several moments.

He looks at me. "For what?"

"For...everything. I know you must have had to do some things you aren't proud of in order to catch a very bad man. I can't imagine how that must weigh on you, make you feel like you don't deserve praise. But you worked so hard and they took that ending away from you which was, excuse my language, very fucked up of them and you didn't deserve that no matter what you did, and I just....thank you."

His eyes bore into mine, shifting emotions behind them. Anger, regret, fear, disappointment in himself, disbelief, but then something else. Something softer as he focuses on me. His hand comes up to cup my face and I lean into it, loving the feel of his calloused hands on my skin. He leans in towards me, his eyes shifting down to my lips, his breath fanning out over my face.

"Wait. I have to tell you something, Javier."

"Can you tell me after we make out?"

Can I? No. No, Vanessa.

"I really think I need to tell you first."

He pulls back and it looks like it costs him a ton of effort, just like it did me to tell him to stop. He puts his hand on his lap and watches me, waiting for me to continue.

"Do you remember when I told you that Alex's dad had important things to do? And you thought he was giving me a line?"

He nods. "Yeah..."

"What if...what if that were you?"

He furrows his eyebrows together, confused. "If what were me?"

"If you had gone off to Colombia or were going off and you found out you'd gotten some girl pregnant?"

"I would have come home or not gone."

"Yeah, but wouldn't you resent them just a little for robbing you of this opportunity?"

He scoffs. "They would've saved me a lot of shit."

"You know that now. But then?"

He thinks for a moment. "I don't know. I can't say I wouldn't have been disappointed."

"Don't you think your kid would pick up on that?"

"I...I don't know. I didn't consider....Vanessa?"

I swallow down the tears that are fighting to escape my body. "Yeah?"

"How old is Alex?"

I take a deep breath and look him in the eyes. "6."

It takes him a few moments, probably doing the math in his head. But then his eyes widen and he pulls his arm from around me, scooting back a little.

"6?"

"Yeah."

He shifts on the bench. "Is he...who's his dad?"

I can't help the one tear that falls from my eyes. "Y-you are."

He looks at me before abruptly standing, pacing back and forth, his hand on his hip and the other pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I'm his dad? Me? Are you sure?"

"I've only ever been with you."

He scoffs. "It's been 6 years, Vanessa. You haven't fucked anyone in 6 years?" He stops to look at me and sees the truth in my face.

"I've gone on some dates, but nothing ever happened."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"I can only tell you the truth, I can't make you believe it."

He laughs angrily, finally stopping in front of me, glaring down at me.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me?"

"I-"

"Did you not think I deserved to know?"

"I-I-"

"I would have stayed for you! I-"

I stand up and he backs up a couple steps. "That's exactly why!"

"What?"

"You would've hated us if you stayed. You would've resented it. You just said you'd be disappointed. You don't think we wouldn't have picked up on that?"

"You didn't give me a fucking choice, Vanessa! Does he even know me?"

"He doesn't know who you are. I told him you were a superhero, fighting a really bad man in another country. And that you'd come back when he was caught."

Javier hesitates a moment. "You never gave me a choice! I lost all of that time. I lost...FUCK! I can't even look at you!" He turns and walks away, past the parking lot and into the street, heading towards town.

I call after him but it's no use. I collapse onto the bench, my head in my hands, finally letting the tears out that I'd been holding back for so long.

-------

The next morning, I set at the kitchen island, a mug of hot coffee clutched between my cold hands as I wait for Javier. I hear the sounds of someone moving down the stairs and I sit up straighter, but Chucho enters the kitchen. I feel my face fall as he looks at me.

"I know I'm not a looker but-"

"Sorry, Chucho. I was expecting.." my voice trails off and he cocks his head.

"Javi? He left."

I sit bolt upright. "Left?"

Chucho pours himself a mug of coffee. "Yeah for Cali. Didn't he tell you? He was going to tell you last night that he was heading back. It was sort of a secret but I told him you'd probably notice if you were no longer sharing a bathroom."

I feel the blood drain from my face. "He's gone?"

Chucho turns, mug in hand and scans my face. "Yeah. I thought he told you? When neither of you returned to the reception, I assumed...well, I thought he'd tell you before he..."

Tears fall wet and hard from my already puffy face. Chucho looks alarmed but sets his mug down and pulls me to him, letting me soak his shirt as he makes calming sounds at me.

"I told him, Chucho. I told him about Alex," My speech is muffled but he hears it all the same.

"What happened?"

I tell him the entire conversation, how Javier just stormed off and how I expected to see him this morning, to apologize and tell him he doesn't have to be involved, that I can move out to make it easier. Chucho waves me off with that last one. "I would never make you move out. Javi doesn't cook nearly as good as you."

I give him a small smile, my shoulders still shaking from sobbing.

"Listen, Vanessa. I won't give you a lecture. You know my opnion and it's no use retelling you. But he knows now. Javier tends to run from things."

"So we're his latest Lorraine?"

Chucho cocks his head, thinking. "I doubt that very much. You're not Lorraine. He looks at you differently."

"Looked. I doubt he'll even want to see me again."

"Mm...let's just give him space, ok?"

"But what if he's down there another 6 years?"

"Something tells me it won't take him that long to think about things."

-------

Javier

It had been a month since Vanessa told him he has a kid. That he has a 6 year old son he knew nothing about, knew nothing about him. Except that he's a hero. Which is a lie.

The Cali Cartel had another 5 months before they would be "turning themselves in", which was a big joke. He had to catch them before the time was up so they could face actual justice and not this fake, bureaucratic bullshit.

He's tried to resort back to his old ways of dealing, burying himself in a woman. But when he tried to, he couldn't bring himself to do anything, let alone sleep with them. It was everything he could do to not pick up a cigarette, but his patience was wearing thin.

He tried not to think about Vanessa and her confession. But when the work day was over, and he went back to his penthouse the government provided, his brain would play that conversation over and over in his head. At first, he continued to remain livid, that she had denied him the choice of knowing his family, being with his kid. But then his dad's words echoed in his mind, the call coming the day he landed in Cali.

"That girl has been through hell, Javi. Don't be the asshole you claimed you wouldn't be."

"She didn't tell me I had a kid, dad. A kid! Who does that?"

"She was only thinking about you! This whole time, she was worried about your wellbeing. She didn't want you distracted or resentful, even if it cost her everything."

"What did it cost her?"

"Her parents! Her family, friends, her church. Ours welcomed her with open arms only because I was there to vouch for her. She was shunned from her entire life and still only worried about you. Don't be such a stubborn asshole."

He thought about Vanessa, so young and pregnant, trying to figure out how to tell her strict parents she was expecting despite not being married. Them kicking her out, closing her off from all of her friends and family, anyone who would support her. Her finding the strength and will to drive all the way back to Loredo to try and find him and discovering he would be away for an indefinite amount of time. What would he do in that situation? Run away from it, probably. Which she didn't have the option of doing.

He takes a swig of his drink, the ice cubes clunking against his top lip. He wants to meet his kid, Alex. Wants to tell him that the bad guy was caught and that he's back. Would he be back? It's probably good Alex doesn't know who he is, in case something happens to him here. But if he gets to go home, he knows he wants to be in his life.

What about Vanessa? Will she let him in their lives? Javier is pretty sure she will, even with the way he left. But what about her? If he's honest with himself, truly honest, when he looks past the anger, he sees her big eyes, the freckles on her cheeks, the sass she gives him in her quiet manner. And he thinks, no. He knows. He knows he loves her. He thinks she loves him. If she didn't, surely she would've told him long ago, not caring about his well being. But she had been so adamant about not telling him, wanting him to be safe.

He crosses his arms, pinching the bridge of his nose. Fuck, what was he doing? Granted he signed up to go back to Cali when they called him in, assuming that if he didn't they would throw him in prison. But honestly, he was ready to come back and actually be here when they get the bad guys. But then Vanessa came back into his life and now a kid.

Fuck, he's an idiot.

-------

Vanessa

6 months. It had been 6 months since Javier stormed out and ran away to Cali. Ok, run away was harsh as he went there for work, agreeing to it long before he knew I was here. But he hadn't called and I took that as a sign, no matter how many times Chucho said it doesn't mean anything because he doesn't call him either. He gets too caught up in his work.

It's the start of summer, the windows are open to get a cross breeze coming through the house. I do miss the ac back home, but I'll take Chucho's home over the one I grew up in any day, heat or no.

Alex got a new book and I hadn't seen him for a couple hours as he's spent them in his room, devouring the latest in his series. He did come out once, nose buried in the book, to ask me for a snack.

I finish washing his cup, setting it on the rack to dry. I stare out the little window over the sink, watching Chucho putter about between the barn and the shed, thinking about the animals and how hot it's going to get out there. I know they're used to it, but still. I'' have to get some extra ice trays at the store so I can throw some more in their water troughs. Chucho says that's why they all like me so much.

Suddenly, I hear heavy steps on the wood floor behind me, much heavier than Alex's. I spin, my hand gripping the cast iron pan that was sitting there. But when I fully turn, I nearly drop the pan.

Javier is there, standing in front of me, his chest heaving, a small bead of sweat sliding down his neck and onto his chest, which is slightly exposed by his several undone buttons in his lavender purple, button up shirt.

"Javier, I-"

"Sshh. I'm sorry."

"What?"

He takes a few steps towards me. "I never should have just left. I at least should've told you about Cali."

"No. I'm sorry. I should've told-"

He's only a couple steps from me now. "No, it's ok. I understand. You were thinking about your family. About how it would affect even me. you did what you had to do."

This was not what I expected. He reaches for the pan, still clutched in my hand. He takes it and sets it on the counter behind me, leaning close to me. He looks down at me, his hand coming up to cup my cheek and I inhale sharply at the sensation.

"You're so brave and I'm a fucking idiot."

"You have every right-"

He pulls me to him, gently pressing his lips to mine, giving me time and space to stop him. But what he doesn't know is his touch has sent me spiraling, spinning away into the sky. And when his tongue slides into my mouth, my body trembles slightly, my hand coming up to mindlessly grab onto his arm. But then he pulls back, staring into my eyes.

"I'm in love with you."

My stomach lurches, a thousand butterflies being released in my body at his words. Love? He loves me? I never thought I'd hear those words from anyone, let alone the man I've loved since I was 19. The reason none of my dates every worked out.

"And it's ok if you don't-"

"I love you too."

He smiles, a real smile that lights up even his eyes, both of his hands now cupping my face. "Really?"

"Why do you think none of those dates ever worked out? It was always you, Javi."

He kisses me more passionately now, his hand leaving my face to grip my hip, pulling me against him. I feel him through his tight jeans, pressing into me and I groan a little in his mouth.

"Fuck, you're so intoxicating. It was killing me not to kiss you."

"Mmm." Is all I can manage to say. But then I remember we're not alone, not this time.

"Do you want to meet him?"

Javier pulls his face back from mine. "He's here?"

I nod. "Yeah. Reading, upstairs."

He shifts, tugging on his pants. "Hell yeah I want to meet him. But uh, give me a sec?"

I glance down and chuckle. "Maybe I can help you with that later?"

He groans. "You aren't helping any now."

He turns and walks out the back door and I see him say hi to his dad, embracing him. Chucho watches him for a moment and then a smile appears and he claps him on the shoulder. I can only assume he's telling him he's going to meet Alex. Javier comes back inside, taking a deep breath.

"Ok, I think I'm ready."

"Alex! Can you come downstairs for a minute?"

Small feet patter across the floor upstairs and make their way down, Alex appearing in the kitchen a moment later, his book still propped open in his hand.

"Mom, I was at a really good part!"

"Alex, I have someone I want you to meet."

"Can it wait?"

I kneel down to get on his level, his eyes, so like Javier's, staring back at me, sensing the seriousness.

"Alex, meet your dad, Javier."

Slowly he turns, looking up at Javier who waves at him awkwardly. "Hey, kiddo. I uh, got the bad guy. I'm sorry it took me so long."

Alex continues to stare at him for a moment. Then he throws his precious book to the floor, running full out towards Javier, who throws his arms out at the last minute as Alex leaps into them, nearly knocking him over.

"Dad? It's really you?"

"It really is."

Alex clutches onto him, tears in both of their eyes. "I always dreamed of meeting you! This is the best day of my life!"

Javier hugs him tight, fighting back the tears that are quickly gathering in his eyes. "This is the best day of my life too, son."

-------

2 years later...

I load up the old tractor with a couple of picnic baskets, 4 large thermos full of homemade lemonade next to them. I close the back and carefully hop up, driving slowly across the property, a smile on my face. After a while, I pull up to the 3 men in my life: Chucho trying to carry wood by himself, Javi yelling at him as he runs to help him, and Alex, hammering away at a spare piece of wood. They were at the back end of the property repairing a downed section of fence. Javier sees me pull up and he rushes over, offering me his hand to help me down.

"I wish you hadn't driven this thing."

"Well if I walked, it would've been dinner by the time I brought your lunch."

"Mom! Watch me!" Alex starts hammering on a piece of wood Chucho had laid in the ground, Javier moving to help him pound it in further.

"My strong man!"

"Son, gather up the tools and put them in the box. We're taking a break for lunch."

Alex starts to look around for the tools as Javier turns back to me. He wraps his arm around me and leans in to kiss me, sliding his tongue over my bottom lip.

"Now now none of that. That made this happen," I rest my hand on my enlarged belly as Javier leans down, planting a kiss to my stomach before standing back up. He leans close to my ear.

"I plan on putting as many kids in you as you'll let me."

I slap his chest, but the thought warms me. "Let's just see how these 2 go first, yeah?"

He smiles at me, kissing me again before lifting Alex into the back of the trailer, helping me to set up the picnic lunches I had made for all of them. As we stare out at the river, a boat comes through, obviously carrying illegal items, most likely drugs. Javier stiffens, but then looks around at us.

"I'm done. I've done all I can. Now I just want to spend my life with my family."

-------

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the-modern-typewriter · 3 days

Note

Just wanted to say thank you so, so much for writing Fate's Favourite. I actually found and loved your blog before I ever found that fanfic, and it was a delight to know it was written by you, and it's so clear how you've improved. But Fate's Favourite will always have a part of my heart, because it's the first story I've read that just has a platonic friendship that feels as equal as a romantic one without being romantic? And as a lonely aroace that means everything. EVERYTHING. (1/2)

(2/2) I had a conversation today that reminded me that I'm never going to have the queerplatonic relationship I want that I've always wanted since I was a child, and how it makes me want to write one so much more, but then I've never managed to write the story I've wanted to write my entire life because I'd always be afraid of being accused of queerbaiting or people just going, 'but it's actually just a gay romance this isn't what friendship looks like' and just. Thank you for Fate's Favourite.

Wow. FF is a blast from the past!

You are very welcome.

Apologies for the long, self-indulgent reply.

That story was one of the first things I ever properly wrote and my first (maybe second?) truly long-form story ever. I thus have a soft spot for it, even though in terms of craft and technique I can't so much as look at it without seeing all my numerous beginner flaws and cringing and can't bring myself to actually point people to it. Much improvement since then, as you say!

(An excellent reminder that writing is a learned skill.)

Anyway. The other interesting thing about that story is that I wrote it before I'd ever heard of asexuality or realised that was what I was. I was a very confused teenager being bombarded with this pressure to have crushes and date people and all that general societal messaging we have about romance being the most important thing ever. Especially in YA.

So I'd go home after school and write that story.

Obviously it's more unhealthy than what I'd want for myself in my real life, but the sheer intensity of feeling and importance of the platonic main relationship was something I had also never seen before but craved. And still crave, honestly. So I feel ya.

As for queerbaiting...

A lot of readers at the time told me they viewed the story as 'pre-romance'. AKA, it's a romantic relationship and they haven't realised it yet for whatever reason. They mostly didn't mean that badly, I don't think.

(Although I sometimes think though that if the term 'queerbaiting' was as broadly known and misused then as it is now that I would have been mercilessly lambasted out of ever writing again! And I wouldn't have known how to articulate the fact that wasn't, actually, what I was doing. I think we need to be kind to new writers. I think 'content creator' is gutting something vital in the ecosystem. But that's another rabbit hole.)

So I've been there. It happens. But other people's bad takes didn't change the story and what it meant to me as a lonely ace teenager or what it meant to you.

I have had readers before make a similar comment to you about how it was the first time they got to see something so important to their heart portrayed.

That matters so much more than whatever people say about your writing who don't need it.

Which is why we have to keep writing the stories.

Even if it's clumsy and raw. Even if it's the first thing you've ever tried. Even if it's (especially if) it's a messed up fantasy straight from the most primal part of your brain.

If we don't write it, it won't exist.

And that's so much worse.

The nay-sayers can come to the party, but it wasn't thrown in their honour.

#mentions of this story sure caught me off guard #though not in a bad way #I'm amazed it's still floating around #the writer's journey lol #the writing life #writing talk

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herotome · 2 days

Text

Devlog # 138

Hi-ho, Wudge here.

I'll be real, lately I've been struggling hardcore when it comes to design. Mia's hero outfit is giving me an honest to goodness run for my money; I try and try and yet each edition of her outfit doesn't feel quire right. It's not just the feeling that they're 'not good enough,' they also don't quite feel like her. And each time I try to take a new stab at it makes me feel all the more crazy for the effort -- something something expecting different results.

I keep trying to convince myself that it was much easier back when I started Herotome -- particularly Warden's hero costume, his big blue gimp suit just sprang into existence like shablamn!

But... I have to remind myself that it did take a while to put together Jade's and Dart's hero outfits. Hell, I wasn't entirely satisfied with Jade's even when I called it done. And another thing - as my mom pointed out when I complained to her about this lol - having created previous designs does make it more challenging to create new-and-different designs.

...With all this being said, here's where she's at:

These designs build off my established concepts of - she has to armor up due to how the nature of her powers will get her into scrapes, but she also wants to look cute. This led me to... essentially putting her in a maid cafe outfit and medieval plate mail. Mia is not a fantasy/JRPG girlie at all though, so ultimately this design isn't going to work.

And here, blurred out bc I'm still working on it, is my next take. I looked at how characters like Wonder Woman and Iron Man wore armor that had a very modern look, and I also... uh, looked at some crabs. Like, crustaceans. The ones in the ocean. They are truly beautiful creatures and I tried to take some color schemes from them. This led to a very, very red design with... what looks like a glowing petticoat? ;;; I worry that this would elicit a look of fire, and while Mia has a fiery personality she doesn't exactly have fire superpowers... so I'll keep at it. I at least like it more than the medieval jrpg maid though.

Other than that...

I started working on expressions for Griffin's sprite!!!

This one has a weird uncanny resemblance to the chick from hotel transylvania.

... Honestly uh, I've also been struggling with Griffin's sprite art here. I've done a lot more work for her (that I have not shared in this post) that just doesn't feel quite right. But I'll keep doing my best.

I think that's it for now.

Stay safe and keep warm,

Wudge.

#interactive fiction #herotome update #oelvn #visual novel #otome game #otome #english otome #indie game #indie dev #indie otome

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yutaleks · 2 days

Text

This is targeted towards me myself and I

cw: children and baby talk. You have a son who’s just gone off to uni. 🥲

“Yuuta, quit it, you’re heavy,” you whine, squirming around on the bed.

It’s evening, not yet the time you’d typically sleep, but late enough to crawl into bed. And yet, when Yuuta comes in after you, it’s not to lay beside you, but to wedge himself between your legs and plant his head onto your chest, wrapping himself around you like a koala to a tree.

“Mm, let me stay like this a little longer,” he mumbles, snaking his arms around your middle and squeezing. If he weren’t six feet tall and heavy as hell you would brand him a child, clingier than your son has ever been.

“You’ve been moping for all of three days,” you sigh, patting down his hair. There’s strands of grey peppered through his dark hair that you comb through with your fingers affectionately. “You’ll make yourself go even more grey at this rate.”

You feel him stiffen up. You can’t see his expression, as he has his face turned, but by the little huff you hear he must be pouting.

“Is it bad? Do you want me to dye it?”

“No! It looks good on you,” he’s close enough for you to lean down and kiss his head. Which you do, instantly giving respite to his bones. He relaxes against you again, and once again his entire weight is pressed against your chest. You giggle. “If you dye it, everyone think you’re the student when we go to visit Hiro next week.”

Yuuta chuckles. “You think so?”

“Well maybe that would be better actually,” you muse. “Then all those moms at these parent meetings can stop ogling at you.”

“I never noticed.”

You very clearly remember Yuuta having to politely smile and worm his way out of the clutches of all the other older moms, like some kind of pop idol avoiding his rabid fans. Who knew middle-aged moms were so persistent?

“Too busy trying not to cry, were you?”

“Maybe,” he replies defeatedly as you wrap your arms around his shoulders.

“It’s not like it’s his first time at school. He’s a man now, he’ll be okay,” you tell him, though even for you the thought of your son’s very first day of school brings back a lot of precious memories. Including the one where Yuuta started crying in the car after the drop-off. “He came home that first day with the biggest smile. He’s always been so brave, ya know.”

You hear him sniffle as he laughs. “Much braver than me.”

“I miss him too,” you sigh, your voice less playful and much softer to Yuuta’s ears. “Feels kinda weird now that it’s just us two, huh?”

Yuuta buries his face down onto your chest, and starts mumbling something. All you hear is “we… baby,”

“Okkotsu,” you push on his head, to make him face you. “Did I just hear you say what I think you said?”

He avoids your gaze, though by the tint to his cheeks you’re sure you’ve heard him correctly. “Not sure what you mean,”

“Another baby? That’s crazy talk, Yuu,”

This time he does meet your stare, blue eyes blinking up at you with sincerity. “Is it crazy? It was hard when we were young but, I’d do it all again with you. In a heartbeat.”

This time it’s you who can’t look at him, turning away as he makes you feel flustered. “We’re—we’re too old for that kind of thing,” you sputter, bringing a palm to your warm face.

“We’re not even forty. It’s totally possible,” Yuuta starts to lift himself off of you, adjusting your positions just enough to hover over you. “I’ve just thought about it, is all.”

You feel a hand sneak under your shirt, touching your side. A laugh bubbles out of your lips before you can stop it. “I know what you’re doing, Okkotsu.”

“What do you mean?” He asks, playing innocent as he lands a kiss on your exposed shoulder.

“Trying to butter me up with tears over Hiro… you’re cheeky.”

“Those tears were very real, sweetheart. I miss him terribly.”

You move one of your feet, brushing over his crotch. “Then why are you hard right now?”

“Was thinking about making a baby with you, can you blame me?” he kisses at your throat, the heat of it way too persuasive for what you’d like.

“Mhm,” is the best you can manage, too distracted by him and his kisses and his touch.

“Missing Hiro and this, they are not mutually exclusive,” he adds.

“That’s a lot to ask, Yuuta. Starting all over…”

“There’s only one person I’d do it a hundred times over with,” he says before he finally meets your lips, conveying his feelings to you with a soft, earnest kiss.

“Stop that,” you tell him half heartedly, when he pulls away. When he starts talking about his feelings for you is always when he has you at your weakest point. “If you keep talking like that…”

“You’ll think about it?” He smiles.

“…I’ll take it under consideration.”

#yutaleks #writing tag #cw children #something something women over 35 more likely to have twins something something

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skzimagines · 2 days

Text

~Part 18~

—————————————————————————————

Genre: | Polyamory!relationship |

————————————————————————————-

“What all did he tell you?” Minho asks Chan. “Everything.” He states. “A-and we think it’s okay!” Ash says nervously. “We never-” Seungmin begins to say. “Okay! We didn’t say it was okay. But what the hell guys, doesn’t she deserve to be happy? Hyunjin has done nothing but make her cry and upset this entire camping trip.” Ash explains. “He loves her.” Changbin states. Minho lets out a scoff, everyone looks at him. “Loves her?” He says. “He loves her, but he’s bringing another girl around because of one stupid argument? He loves her, but leaves her at the blink of an eye, because of his insecurity? How many times has he left her crying alone on this trip Changbin? How many?” He pauses. “I-I don’t kn-” “exactly! You don’t know.” Minho cuts him off. “Guys, I don’t want us to all fight about th-” I begin to say. “No y/n!” Minho yells. “I’ve had enough of this! I’ve spent years… years! Years liking you. Hoping maybe one day… you change your mind about liking him and you just don’t. I’ve sat back for so long, because I wanted to be the good friend, I wanted to keep the peace. I knew Hyunjin liked you. The minute I found out you guys actually started dating, my entire world shattered. That night I kissed you when everyone thought I was drunk and being stupid… I wasn’t. I kissed you because I wanted to see if there was anything between us, I wanted to know wether or not to let you go. But I kissed you, and I know you felt something, I know it and when Hyunjin brought that girl here, I thought it would be a perfect time to come in and save you! But you went back! And better yet, you fell for me at the same time. I never wanted it this way, I never wanted it to be a three way thing. So I delt with it. I delt with being with both of you, just so I could have a little of you to myself. Because a piece of me has been longing for you for so god damn long y/n.

Silence falls over everyone.

“I never wanted it either…” hyunjin voice says from behind me. I turn around and look at him, tears welling up in my eyes.

“I thought you guys talked about it? I… I thought you wanted it. I whisper, a tear falling from my eye, making its way down my cheek. “Guys, I think it’s time to call it a night.” Ash says, getting up from the table and making her way toward me. “N-no, I think it’s time to call it a trip.” I say. “I’m sorry I put you two through all of this.” I say looking between the two. “And I’m sorry for ruining this trip.” I look at everyone at the table. “I’m gonna head out.” I say, grabbing my bag from the table and making my way to the cabin. “Y/n..” Minho tries to grab my arm, but I push him away. “Minho, let her go.” Ash whispers. “I’m going to talk to her.” Jeongin says, jogging past them to catch up to you.

“You just had to ruin it…” Minho says angrily, looking toward hyunjin. “I ruined it? If you would have just kept your mouth off of her to begin with, none of this would have happened.” Hyunjin bites back. “WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!” Ash yells. Shock is written all over everyone’s faces. “Maybe you both should just pack your shit and leave. What did you expect from her? You both encouraged this, you told her this entire idea was okay! Then you all of a sudden change your guys’ minds? That’s not how it works. You guys are causing that poor girls brain to spiral daily. She doesn’t need to leave, I think you two should.” She states. Earning agreements from the table. “I agree.” Felix says. “She’s been through enough. You both need to let her go.” He says. “We have five days left of this trip, at least let her be happy for the rest of them.”

Hyunjin and Minho look at each other. “Fine.” Minho says, walking away to go pack his things. “I’m not leaving her.” Hyunjin says. “Oh yes you are, as a matter of fact… you don’t deserve her the most.” Ash says with anger in her voice. “What the hell are you talking about?” He asks. “Everything Minho said is true. You claim to love her, but keep repeatedly breaking her heart hyunjin. Move on, it’s time.” She ends, walking up to the cabin to find you. Hyunjin stands there dumbfounded, he looks over at the table of guys. “You all really think that?” He asks defeatedly. “We do hyunjin… it’s time.” Chan says.

Hyunjin sadly nods and looks at the ground. “Okay.” He whispers and heads to the cabin to get his things together.

•

“Babes, you don’t need to leave..” ash says, rubbing her hand on my back, trying to calm me as best as she can. “I can’t be around them ash, I can’t do it anymore. I thought they wanted it. They told me they did! I’m such an idiot. I should have known.” I say quietly. “Y/n, it’s not your fault. Their idiots. This isn’t on you.” Jeongin says, sitting at my feet. “All three of us are idiots.” I explain. Ash chuckles. “Yeah, well… I think all of us have a little idiot in us.” She says with a smile. I chuckle at that. “So, they’re leaving.” She states. I look up at her. “What?” I ask. “I asked them to leave, everyone agrees that you don’t need to go, it’s them.” She says. “Ash… I-” I start to say, but she cuts me off. “No, y/n. They’re going and that’s final.” She says sternly. She’s always been the motherly type, I loved that about her. “Can I talk to Minho..” I say after a few seconds of silence between us. “I don’t think that would be a good idea..” Jeongin explains. “Yeah I agr-” ash says before I cut her off. “Please…” I say, tears welling up in my eyes again. “I need to talk to him.” I whisper. They both give me sorrowful looks before agreeing to let me go.

I make my way to Minho and i’s shared room, hearing shuffling coming from the other side of the door. I lightly knock. “M-min..” I say quietly. I don’t hear anything anymore. “Min.. please, let me talk to you.” Suddenly the door opens, and I see a very distraught, sad and angry Minho on the other side. “Hi..” I whisper, with a sad smile. He gives me a small smile back. “Hi baby.” He whispers. He pulls me in for a hug and brings me into the room with him and shuts the door. We stand there for a while just holding each other. “I don’t want you to go..” I whisper. He nods his head. “It’s for the best y/n.. maybe it’s better we just take a break for a few days. Bring our thoughts together.” He says into my hair. I hold back a sob. “I don’t want to lose you min..” I whimper and hold him tighter, as if he’s slowly slipping away from me. “You’ll never lose me baby, I’ve been here this whole time.” He says. Pulling his head from my hair to look me in my eyes. He runs his thumb over my cheek before kissing me gently. He pulls away and sets his forehead on mine. “Don’t fall out of love with me.” He whispers with his eyes closed, still holding my cheek in his hand. “I could never.” I whisper back. Our lips meet again, this time for longer. He gently pushes me back on to the bed, climbing on top of me. “You’ll come back right?” I ask, running my hands through his hair as he pulls down my shorts. “I’ll always come back for you.” He whispers, as he starts to kiss up my neck. “Promise?” I ask, as he slides himself into me. I let out a small moan. “I promise baby.” He says, slamming his lips into mine. He thrusts into me slow but hard, feeling his tip rub against my sweet spot. His hands explore my body as if it’s the last time he’ll ever touch it. “Call me.. every day.” I whimper out as he continues. “As long as you text me.. every single second.” He whispers in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I let out a light chuckle. He grabs my chin turning my face towards him, he looks straight into my eyes as he grinds into me slowly, still holding my face towards him. “I want you.. all to myself.” He whispers. I moan, the eye contact, the way his hand grips my face, the veins protruding from his arms, the way he hits every right place inside of me. “You have me Minho..” I whisper back. I feel my high coming closer and closer with every thrust. His thrusts begin to get sloppy as he rides out his high with mine.

After cuddling for what seems like eternity, we get up and I help him pack the rest of his things. We make our way to the front door and he grabs his keys. This is it, I don’t know when I’ll see him next. The tears begin to well up again. “Oh baby… please don’t cry. You’ll make this harder for me than what it already is.” He says, pulling me into his arms. “I’m sorry.” I whisper. “There’s no reason for you to be sorry. I’m sorry. I should have been more open with you from the start.” He says into my hair. “Don’t let this ruin us… please.” He begs. “I don’t think anything could ruin what I feel for you Minho.” I say back, pulling away to look at him. “I love you y/n..” he whispers. “I love you Minho.”

With that he grabs his bag and heads out the door, looking at you through the window and giving you a warm smile before getting in his car and driving away.

“Y/n..” I hear a voice behind me. I turn around and see hyunjin standing in the door way with his bags. “Jinnie..” I say back. “I’m sorry.” He says. We stare at each other for seconds before I walk up to him and take him in my arms. He hugs be back, tightly. I feel him breathe in my hair before he lets out a big sigh. “I’ll always love you…” he whispers. “I know Jinnie, and I’ll always love you.” I say back. “Don’t forget about me.” He says, pulling away. “Well.. I think you’ve left a pretty big imprint this year.” I say, chuckling between tears. He brings his hand up and wipes them away, and kisses me on my cheek. “I never meant to hurt you, ever.” He says, running his hand through my hair. “I know..” I whisper. “I’ll do everything I possibly can to change for you..” he pulls me into his arms again. “We should talk about this at a later time.” I say, hugging him also. “You’re right.” He pulls away, keeping his hands on my hips. “Don’t leave me hanging, please keep in touch.” He says, before grabbing his bags and heading for the door. “I will.” I say, giving him a small smile. He turns around and heads out to his car. I watch as he pulls away, until I can no longer see him.

This sucks.

—————————————————————————————

Tag list: @greysweaters-blog @mimihwang248 @armystay89 @berryberrytan @multeciahucho @poetrycassie @nobody3210 @straykids5star @mabysblog @yaorzu-blog @elizalabs3 @abby-wanna-bangchan @lyracarvahall

To be continued…

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liontalon1 · 17 hours

Text

Ok let’s talk about the final episode and season in general. Aka i dont have anyone to talk to about this show so you guys get stuck with it.

I’m starting off by saying i enjoyed it, i never really found myself getting bored during episodes though i also wasn’t racing to watch them either.

Now that it’s over i really found it lacking something the previous two seasons had. In the beginning i thought s3 had the potential to be better than s2 (my favorite), but it just didn’t deliver. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this season felt rushed with plot points and characters being added and dropped left and right. I could almost say that the show would’ve benefited from another season to allow the storyline to be fleshed out.

It also had a really weird mix of fan service and not. Like they kept on hinting that CX-2 was Tech, going so far as to put Imperial Tech in the credits (at least i think i saw that). I personally didn’t really have a preference one way or the other (i was kinda hoping they’d be Dogma), but seeing how it ended yeah we should’ve had his helmet come off. Just tie that loose end.

They also included Ventress (who i love) but what point did that cameo serve? That Omega’s force sensitive (which i hate how every damn character that is important has to be force sensitive)? Nothing ever came of that! It’s literally never mentioned again, so why was it there? It didn’t even further the batch’s character development like other filler episodes. The cadets anyone remember them? They had no purpose, which was ok if they hadn’t been on Pabu.

And yeah I’m going to go back to Tech. Because how did his death serve the plot? It didn’t, the batch were sad for a single episode, then he was barely mentioned. Which made sense if he was going to be CX-2, but he wasn’t. So why kill him? The only effect it had on the batch was too make things harder for them (same reason Echo was sidelined this entire season), so was that it? To get him out of the way and cause drama, to be an emotional blow for the fans? It just seems pointless.

Then just the final itself. There was a lot that just seemed unfinished. Hemlock and Scorch’s deaths seemed lacking, and kinda anticlimactic at least for Scorch my boy deserved better. We never found out what was up with Hemlocks hand. And Crosshairs hand, i know Star Wars likes to cut hands off their characters but it made no sense plot wise. First it was a cheap cop out of dealing with Crosshairs trauma, second Hemlock wanted to turn them into his operatives so why have them permanently injure one of them? And the Zillo beast was so anticlimactic i was expecting a lot more chaos, yeah it was how an actual wild animal would react but still.

I’m sure i could say more but I’ll stop there. Again i enjoyed the show, and will stay in this fandom for a long time.

#the bad batch #tbb spoilers #the bad batch season 3 spoilers #tbb echo #tbb omega #tbb wrecker #tbb hunter #tbb tech #tbb crosshair #tbb critical #i guess

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tgmsunmontue · 1 day

Text

Online & Anonymous 4/16

Hangster. Explicit. Years before they meet in person Bradley and Jake strike up a friends-with-benefits relationship online. And then something more like an actual relationship.

Odd year = Bradely's POV and Even year = Jake's POV

>>Bradley chatting (bold and italics)

>>Jake chatting (italics)

2005/2006 2007 2008

2009 – Bradley

>>Have you heard of Grindr?

>>Why do we need Grindr, we have this…

>>Ha. So you have heard of it!

>>You can use Grindr to pick up outside of this messaging app. I think I’m going to sign up.

>>Also you can send and receive pictures, if you’ve got a good enough phone with a camera.

>>You want to see photos of me?

>>I wouldn’t be averse to seeing some.

>>Would you send me photos of yourself?

>>That would sort of be the point.

He’s never going to push, and also, the only phone capable is expensive, but god he really does want to see a picture or two of Jas. His imagination is fine, but he’s intensely curious about whether Jas lives up to his imagination. Not that he’s settled on any one image, they haven’t exchanged specifics, other than length and cut/uncut status. They’ve been talking long enough for Bradley to have picked up enough other clues. The way Jas talks, is from Texas and in the military, he’d bet that he was white, but sometimes he imagines darker skin under his fingers when they chat.

>>Do you have a type?

>>Yes and no.

>>That’s a cop out.

>>It’s also the truth.

>>My type is male.

>>I’m not that much older than you.

>>I’m still figuring things out as well.

>>So what have you figured out so far? What do you know you like?

>>A little bit of stubble, but not beards.

>>Muscular arms and thighs.

>>Close to me in height.

>>And confidence. The guys I’ve been with, where it’s been good? Like really good? They’ve been… sure of themselves. Their confidence was justified nine times out of ten.

>>Yeah? I’m going to take that as life advice right there.

>>You do that. Haven’t led you astray yet have I?

… … …

Grindr is different. It feels more risky, with putting photos out there, and having the location enabled. He leaves his face out of the images, matches with guys who do similar, mutually assured discretion and also deniability. While it might feel riskier, it is also so much easier to hook up. As time passes more guys download the app and the number of matches goes up. With all the dick pics he’s sent, he has seen more dick in the last few months than he has in the entire six years prior.

Sometimes the hookups are mediocre, rarely complete busts, but on the whole it works for him when he’s on leave. He occasionally looks when he’s not on leave, but he reinstalls the app and then deletes it in moments he knows are safe. He doesn’t trust the people around him to respect his privacy and not poke around, despite having a passcode on his phone. He still uses his laptop to chat with Jas through the website, and he realizes they could email each other and send photos that way. He could just get a free email account.

>>So. I bought myself a new phone.

Bradley reads the message, lets his breath out slowly, licks his lips and feels his entire body prickle with anticipation. This feels like a next step. And it comes just as he was about to suggest they exchange email addresses.

>>Yeah?

>>Any particular reason?

>>You know why.

>>Stop playing dumb.

>>Could have saved the money. Just had a thought that we could email each other.

>>How safe is that?

>>Anyway. I made an account. You want my user name?

>>Is it not 00JASTYX?

>>No. It’s not.

>>That would have been easier.

>>Are you going to tell me?

>>Nope. Think I might make you work for it?

Bradley laughs, shaking his head.

>>Contrary bastard.

>>You don’t think I’ve already earnt it?

>>Just thought you might like the thrill of the chase.

>>You can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes.

>>Am I not worth chasing?

>>Kind of feel like I already caught you.

>>Exactly. So now you have to find me. I’ve tried to make it worthwhile.

Bradley’s mouth goes dry.

>>Really now?

>>Yep.

>>Challenge accepted.

… … …

He can’t spend every moment trawling through Grindr profiles. That way lies many things, including a potential dishonorable discharge if anyone sees him. He doesn’t stop to pay much attention to the photos, instead paying attention to the brief words. He knows how old Jas is and where he’s from and that he’s in the military. So he turns off the location, because he could be anywhere in the world for a start. There are hundreds, if not thousands. A needle in a haystack comes to mind and he knows why the location aspect is so important. He’ll persevere though.

Early 30s. Nope.

New York native. Nope.

Student. Nope.

Late 20s. Nope.

Athlete. Nope.

Fit. Well yes, he’d have to be, but he’s also Canadian. Nope.

Mid-20s. Southern boy. 6’1”. Good with words, better with my hands. Maybe?

He looks to the username then and it’s TJASX and he laughs. This has to be him and he looks at the first photo. Bradley stares. If this is Jas, he’s gorgeous. Or at least his body is. He’s known Jas is military for over two years, and hell, he might not be anymore. Although he suspects he is, body like that posing in the photos, face carefully cropped out to just show the hinge of jaw or column of his neck. His dog tags are even visible in one photo. He should tell him to remove that photo, because that photo feels like confirmation that this is definitely him. Bradley doesn’t know whether to admit that he’s also military, that’s safe enough surely.

>>Just as gorgeous as I thought you’d be.

>>Those photos actually of you?

>>Of course. Why would I use someone else’s photos?

>>Because people lie on the internet.

>>Are those photos yours?

>>Yep.

>>You’re hot.

>>So are you.

>>Glad you think so.

>>I’m serious, I was a scrawny kid. Had to bulk up but I’m always a little self-conscious.

>>Well you’re gorgeous.

>>Nothing to be ashamed of.

>>Want to lick you all over.

>>One thing though, you need to take your dog tags off if you’re going to be posting photos.

He pauses, thinks about what he’s going to type next.

>>I took off mine.

He sucks in a breath and closes the app, terrified but no idea why. He knows Jas won’t care, but it still feels like he’s exposing himself, baring himself to attention that he has avoided for the last few years. He taps the phone against his forehead, breath coming a little short and he opens it again.

>>Holy shit.

>>Nick?

>>Yeah. Hi.

>>You’re military as well?

>>Seriously?

>>Yep. DADT and all that.

>>Holy shit. That’s a weird coincidence, right?

>>Well, 1 in 10 roughly right? Just lots of people not telling.

>>Thought I could maybe tell you.

>>Thanks for trusting me I guess. That’s… it makes me feel a little less alone.

>>You know what I mean?

>>Fuck. Yeah. Sorry. I know exactly what you mean. I should have told you sooner.

>>Would have been nice. But I get it.

>>It’s not something you go yelling or sharing with anyone.

>>No, not just anyone.

>>I feel weird that I know all of this stuff about you but I don’t know your name.

>>Well. DADT right?

>>Do you want to know my name?

He’s nervous, because he will share his name with Jas if he wants it, even if he just gives him Brad, that’s good enough.

>>Nah. I think I’m good actually. I think of you as Nick. Maybe if you were a bunch of letters and numbers I might want something more like a name.

>>But Nick works for me. If we ever meet in person, then we can exchange our real names. Also don’t know if I’m ready to give you my name, which I know is probably hilarious to you considering all the tips you had to give me when we first started chatting online.

>>I think of you as Jas. Like Jace, short for Jason or something. So your random letters and numbers is a name for me too.

>>Oh. Huh. That’s cool. Think you’ll find my name funny if we ever meet up.

>>When.

>>What?

>>When we meet up. Not if.

>>Okay. When we meet up. You’ll still find it funny.

>>Wait.

>>Do you always limit yourself to only when you’re on leave?

>>Yeah. Pretty much. For in person that is. Not worth it otherwise.

>>You know my friend that I came out to?

>>Yeah.

>>I think he’s under the impression that you’re my boyfriend or something.

>>Well. I’m something, that’s for sure.

>>Ugh. Bad joke.

>>I meant that I’m at least a friend. That’s something, right?

>>Oh.

>>Yeah. You’re definitely a friend.

>>My hot single gay friend that I jerk off with on the regular.

>>Yep. I’d say the same about you.

>>Yeah, but you have more than just me.

>>Jas, how much time do you think I have to spend online messaging people? You’re pretty much it, and have been for a while.

>>Really?

>>Yeah. I’m going out and hooking up with guys when I’m on leave, and where I feel like it’s not going to implode my career. But I spend more time being deployed and chatting with you.

>>Oh.

>>You okay?

>>Yeah.

>>Did you think I had a whole bunch of guys I was chatting with?

>>Yeah.

>>Did a few years ago. You’re the only one I kept it up with. I enjoy talking with you as well as the sex stuff.

>>You’re the only one I ever talked to.

>>You’re allowed to talk with other guys. And hook up with them.

>>You don’t owe me your fidelity.

>>I am using Grindr to hook up, but it’s a one and done kind of thing.

>>Do you think if we ever meet up it’ll be a one and done?

Bradley scrubs at his face, doesn’t want to make false promises.

>>I don’t know. We might take one look at one another and hate each other.

>>I don’t know.

>>I want more than hooking up.

>>Yeah.

>>Me too.

#online and anonymous #Hangster #Sereshaw #hangman x rooster #Top Gun Maverick fanfic

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totallyveryallosexual · 2 days

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I see a lot of people say that people self diagnose neurodivergence because it's "quirky" or cool or something, which shows a lack of understanding of self diagnosis that I would like to correct.

1. I personally do not think I have autism because I "saw a tiktok and related to it". I think I have autism because I fulfill the diagnostic criteria that I have looked into extensively. I have sensory difficulties. I get overwhelmed by sound, and light, and the wrong fucking texture un my clothes or food. I was made fun of my entire childhood for "taking things too seriously", and I took what people said at face value, because I took things far too literally. I spent my entire childhood figuring out how to act normal, how to say the right thing at the right time so I wouldn't be made fun of or excluded. I am extremely comforted by various types of stimming, but was punished as a child for anything considered fidgety or abnormal. I love biology, and can infodump to you about genetics (special interest) for hours. This is an interest that can be considered abnormal, and it has consumed most of my available brain space for many years. Also, every single autistic person I've ever met has clocked me in about five seconds and immediately told me I have autism. The truth is, people don't self-diagnose themselves with a highly stigmatized disorder unless it is seriously impacting their lives.

2. Autism, especially in girls and bipoc, is often missed. If they can learn to mask it, it doesn't get diagnosed. I got straight A's all throughout high school, and I had teachers tell me that they thought I had autism, but that it was probably fine because it didn't impact my academics or my life. Spoiler alert: it did! People think that when a seemingly functional person claims to have autism, they are hopping on a trend, but most of the time, they are suffering. I was depressed and sometimes suicidal before I figured out I had autism. I got called a psychopath for things that should have been recognized as symptoms of autism, and a lot of the time I believed it because I didn't have any other words for myself. Our society is shitty and if you aren't a little cis white boy, it's much harder to get diagnosed.

3. Diagnosis is expensive, and hard to access! A lot of people don't realize that it's a privilege! It costs a lot of money to get diagnosed, money that not everyone can afford. It's also hard to get a diagnosis because of social stigma, especially if you figure out you have some form of neurodivergence under the age of 18. I'm a month shy of being a legal adult, and I know that while I'm working towards it, it will be a while before I can get properly tested and diagnosed. My mother, who would scream if she ever saw me wearing noise cancelling headphones in public, is not going to help me get a diagnosis. My mother, who has thrown what can practically be considered temper tantrums over me stimming (literally just tapping my fingers against each other) is not going to help me get a diagnosis. The children of parents who aren't ready to give up their image of a perfect child and think autism can be wished away don't have the same access to diagnosis as the children of parents who are willing to work with them and contribute financially, and neither does any adult who has gotten through life alright but struggles financially because They Have A Disability!!!

In conclusion, don't shame people who diagnosed themselves. I absolutely think the end goal should always be to work toward a professional diagnosis, but that isn't always feasible for people, and we can't sit around slowly drowning in the meantime. If you are worried about self diagnosed people taking away resources: guess what, there are no resources!

Self-diagnosis shouldn't be quick. It comes after a long time spent diving through symptoms and diagnostic criteria. But it gives people without access to diagnosis the ability to nonetheless understand themselves better. For me, it means being able to say "I'm overstimulated, I'm going to find a quiet place" instead of sitting and suffering. It means being able to say "I'm going to sit on the floor instead of my desk, because that grounds me and stops me from spiralling". It means stimming when I'm overwhelmed, and stopping when I need to, all without shaming myself or thinking of myself as lesser for not being able to do things I was told I should be able to.

#long post #autism #autistic #peer reviewed autism #undiagnosed autistic #undiagnosed neurodivergent #neurodivergence #neurodivergent

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panharmonium · 5 months

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Hi! I love your Naruto thoughts and meta posts with all my heart and I want to ask your thoughts on something that has been on my mind literally since I was 13: what do you think about the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura? I went from being a hardcore shipper when I was a teenager, to being against any romantic relationship in Naruto after finishing the anime when I was in my early twenties. Nowadays I'm very into platonic love and depictions of friendship and I think the anime's obsession with forcing the "romantic interest" curse upon the main female character robbed us of... so much. There are a few wonderful moments in the anime where Sasuke and Sakura acknowledge each other, but because she's always "the girl with the crush", her actions are so often interpret as irrational or selfish by the fandom.

Hi @riemmetric! It's great to talk to you again! Sorry it's taken me so long to answer this; RL has been making demands of me lately and it took me way longer to finish writing this up than I wanted it to (then again, I knew from the minute I read your original ask that my reply was going to get long, so I suppose I should have predicted a delay XD)

It's funny, my sister once asked me to choose between Sasuke or Sakura for an “unpopular opinion” meme, and I ended up doing Sasuke solely because I think the negative fandom opinions about Sakura are so unhinged and divorced from the actual text that I wouldn’t even know where to start. People are entitled to dislike whatever characters they want, obviously, but there are some fandom takes that are, for me, so obviously rooted in bad faith viewings/readings that there’s no urge in me to discuss them. That said, since you asked, I’m happy to go into my own thoughts on this a bit, with the disclaimer for other potential readers that I only write about fandom things for my own personal enjoyment, not as a contribution to The Discourse. If you don’t like Sakura, great! I have no interest in changing your mind. Please consider this a sincere invitation to scroll on by and go enjoy whatever parts of the fandom appeal to you.

In general terms: I love Sasuke and Sakura’s relationship as much as I love all of the relationships in Team 7. If we’re talking about them specifically as a romantic couple, then I probably fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, because I do like them together in a post-canon (to be clear: non-Boruto) setting, after time has passed and they’ve continued to develop individually and reconnect with each other, but I also wouldn’t exactly call myself an intense “shipper,” in the sense that I have no interest in pulling things out from the text and incorrectly citing them as evidence that Sasuke has hidden romantic feelings for her during the canon period. He cares about her in the canon period, just like he cares about Naruto and Kakashi. That’s not up for interpretation; it’s the text. But Sasuke during the canon time period does not demonstrate specifically romantic interest in anyone.

[A note before people who might ship Sasuke with Someone Else emerge to rail against this statement - please just scroll past and continue enjoying fandom in whatever way is most fun for you. It is cool to ship whatever fanon thing you want; I think that’s great! But earnestly citing any loving or emotional thing Sasuke does re: various characters in this story (yes, Sakura included) as indicative of specifically romantic love isn’t supported by the text. I know there are always going to be enormous subsets of any fandom who insist that it is, and I'm certainly not going to barge into anyone else's space to complain about that (because other people having fun together is harmless and none of my business), but I'm not obligated to indulge it on my own blog, either.]

Anyway, that said - the reason why I love Sakura and Sasuke’s relationship (from here on out I’ll use “relationship” in a general, non-romantic sense) is precisely because Sakura isn’t just “the girl with the crush.” Sakura has an arc when it comes to Sasuke, and its trajectory moves in the exact opposite direction of “irrational” or “selfish.” She specifically goes from “the girl with the crush” to “the girl who steels herself and tries to put her personal feelings for Sasuke aside for the greater good” to “the girl who knows she can’t put her feelings aside, but who also knows full well that Sasuke doesn’t reciprocate them, and who still wants to save him regardless, because he matters to her as a person and a friend.”

[I'm putting the rest of this under a cut to save everyone's dash, and also to emphasize once again that this is a personal post on my personal blog which I wrote in response to a question from a personal acquaintance, the full content of which no one is obligated to read. I am not sending this post to random strangers and forcing them to look at it. I'm not even putting it in the character tags. I'm typing it up on my own blog and putting it under a cut. If you already know that you don't like Sakura, but you still click the link/read the post and then feel an urge to comment and complain, I am going to copy-paste this disclaimer and remind you that I specifically recommended that you scroll past and go have fun with fandom in your own way. Thanks in advance for responsibly curating your own fandom experience!]

So, from the top:

1. the girl with the crush

Sakura is, obviously, completely obsessed with Sasuke at the beginning of Part 1. She’s also deeply clueless about him and his history (bizarre though it is, the story seems to indicate that she initially doesn’t know what happened with his family, the same way young!Obito is initially clueless about Kakashi’s father). But what I like about Sakura and Sasuke’s Part 1 relationship is how this changes over time.

The critical scene that kicks this off happens right at the beginning of the manga, when she and Sasuke are talking by that bench - she complains about Naruto and blames his behavior on him being all alone/having no family to scold him; and even says she’s jealous that he doesn’t have parents to nag him all the time. This obviously triggers an outburst from Sasuke, who tells her she has no idea what loneliness means and that she “makes him sick”/she’s “annoying” (importantly, the exact same thing Sakura said to Naruto in anger earlier that day), which in turn prompts Sakura to reassess herself and wonder whether she’s been making Naruto feel this terrible all the time, too:

From that point on, it’s a process of her putting little pieces together. She still has a MAJOR crush, and she still acts like a twelve year-old, but as we approach the end of Part I, Sakura actually has a more accurate grasp on Sasuke’s current state of mind than Naruto does. Naruto is initially excited to fight Sasuke on top of the hospital, because he feels like Sasuke’s finally acknowledging him, whereas Sakura is the one who immediately recognizes that something is wrong about this situation. She is also the one who, after this fight, is concerned that Sasuke is really unwell and might do something drastic like run off in pursuit of the power Orochimaru promised him, but when she communicates this to Naruto, he assures her that this would NEVER happen:

(Sakura isn't convinced, though, because she goes to monitor the exit out of the village anyway.)

I’m not criticizing Naruto for his response here. I ADORE hearing him say that Sasuke is too strong to need Orochimaru, with such perfect confidence - I love seeing how much respect and admiration he has for Sasuke underneath all their fighting, because that’s the whole reason he’s always baiting Sasuke and yelling at him and claiming “you're not so great!” He looks up to Sasuke; he wants to be like Sasuke; he thinks Sasuke is awesome! (It’s that Obito @ Kakashi behavior, you know?) But the fact remains that he is clueless about what’s actually going on with Sasuke in Part 1, and he remains clueless(ly optimistic) for a long time.

(Eg, when he catches up to Sasuke during the retrieval arc and Sasuke climbs out of that cursed seal coffin, Naruto waves at him and calls "Come on, let's go!" as if Sasuke has been successfully rescued and is now going to come running home. Even in Part II, when Naruto hears that Sasuke killed Orochimaru, he beams and immediately says, “So he must be on his way back to the Leaf Village!” And everyone else in the room is like, “....,” because they know better. Naruto doesn’t yet fully understand [or doesn't want to accept] the extent to which Sasuke has willingly chosen this path, and it’s not until after Jiraiya’s death/the Pain attack/the Five Kage Summit that Naruto really starts to understand Sasuke more clearly, which is something he himself admits.)

Sakura, in Part 1, has access to more information about Sasuke - she’s there for his first dissociative monologue during the bells test, she’s there for the curse mark’s placement, she’s there for his first violent transformation in the Forest of Death - she is, in fact, the unwitting catalyst for it (“Sakura…who did this to you?”), and her compassion is the reason Sasuke is later able to overcome the curse mark’s influence - so she has a more accurate/complete picture of “how he’s doing,” for lack of a better phrase, whereas Naruto, who doesn’t know about the curse mark in the first place, is still in the dark. This means that Sakura is able to accurately discern that Sasuke is struggling more than Naruto realizes, and specifically to predict that he’s going to run away.

(This dynamic is then interestingly flipped in the back half of Part II, since at any point after the Five Kage Summit, Sakura doesn’t have access to extremely relevant [if currently questionable and unproven] details that would in any other circumstance inform her behavior).

Of course, just because she has more info in Part 1 doesn’t mean she has some kind of miraculous insight into Sasuke’s every thought and feeling. There are parts of her attempt to convince Sasuke to stay in the village that are as clueless as any of Naruto’s assumptions, and they showcase the kind of magical thinking common to childhood - like when she says that if he stayed with her, she could give him happiness, she’d do anything for him, even help him get his revenge - this idea that she herself can do something to make him feel better, that she can love him powerfully enough to defeat his pain - obviously none of that is rooted in realism.

Is this part of her approach irrational and immature and inadvertently self-centered? Of course it is! But it’s no more irrational and immature and inadvertently self-centered than Naruto’s stated plan to drag Sasuke back to the village even if he has to “break every bone in [his] body!”

Hating on Sakura for her Part 1 attempt to convince Sasuke to stay in the village while simultaneously lauding Naruto for his feels like a bad faith misread of what is, to me, pretty clear narrative intention. The story doesn’t at any point intend for us to see her begging him to stay as a selfish or conniving attempt to get something she wants. She’s begging him to stay for the same underlying reason that Naruto is: she cares about him. She thinks he’s making a mistake that will only cause him more pain in the end (she’s right) and she wants to make it so he feels less pain right now (she can’t. But she doesn’t understand that/isn’t able to admit that, and she’s willing to try ANYTHING that might help).

It’s critical that this farewell scene is set in front of that same bench from their first important confrontation - she references that day and how angry he got at her, and this time she tells him that she understands his reaction. She’s learned things and she recognizes how insensitive she was being back then (“I know what happened to your clan, Sasuke”), even though she still can’t fully grasp all the complexities of the situation. She tells him that him blowing up at her back then helped her understand what loneliness actually meant (as opposed to her previous shallow understanding of it), and she challenges him about his choice right now: "So that's it, you're choosing the lonely path?" And when she tells him that she'll be very lonely if he leaves, we're immediately shown a panel of Sasuke thinking of both his friends, with the very clear implication that if he goes through with this, he will be lonely without them, too - that he's still struggling with the idea of leaving them, no matter how hard he tries to pretend:

Sakura at this point knows that Sasuke isn’t interested in her the way she is in him, but she still wants to give him happiness, however fantastical and immature her ideas sound to us (and, I’m sure, to him). “I’ll do anything, even help you get your revenge/we'll have fun every day, and...and you'll be happy! I'll make sure of it!” - of course, it’s completely childish. It’s irrational. It’s ridiculous to think that any of this would ever be effective, but no more ridiculous than Naruto’s belief that he can simply break every bone in Sasuke’s body and keep him in the Leaf by force.

Both Naruto and Sakura are children who have a deeply oversimplified understanding of Sasuke’s situation. They both still think they can fix him themselves. They both think they can save him themselves. They both think they can convince (or force) him to do what they want, what they think is in his best interests. Both of them don’t yet understand that he has to want to come back, if it’s ever going to mean anything. Their attempts to keep him in the village are immature and unrealistic, yes. What they aren’t, however, is selfish, because neither Sakura nor Naruto are doing any of this with the intention of advancing their own interests. They’re only thinking about Sasuke - how to keep Sasuke safe, how to make Sasuke happy - even when neither of them are taking an approach that will actually work.

Naruto and Sakura are children. They’re afraid of losing somebody they care about. Their attempts to prevent that from happening are desperate and messy and ultimately ineffective, but they are also genuinely felt and rooted in a true desire to rescue Sasuke from his pain, which - and this is the single most important thing that should impact our viewing of Part 1 - is something that Sasuke RECOGNIZES. He doesn’t spend that agonizingly long moment bowed over Naruto’s defeated body so we can pretend he doesn’t understand that Naruto was just trying to help him. He doesn’t take the time to murmur, “Sakura…thank you,” before laying her out carefully on a bench, just so we can discount it and pretend that he doesn’t recognize and appreciate her genuine intention to make things better for him, however clumsy that attempt might have been.

2. the greater good

If Stage 1 Sakura is "the girl with the crush," then Stage 2 Sakura is a progression to “the girl who decides to put her feelings for Sasuke aside in order to protect innocent people, including (but certainly not limited to) Naruto.” She’s driven to this decision by interactions with Shikamaru, who all too recently had to grow up fast himself (“We're not kids anymore...we can't allow a war to break out between the Hidden Leaf and the Hidden Cloud because of Sasuke") and Sai, who risks his new friendship with Sakura and Team 7 in order to speak some hard truths and deliver one of my favorite lines in the whole story: “I don’t know what promise Naruto made to you, but it’s really no different than what was done to me. It’s like a curse mark.”

(INCREDIBLE. How can anybody be complaining about a season where Sai gets to say something that goes THIS HARD and Sakura LISTENS and takes DRAMATIC ACTION that actually propels the story forward in a meaningful way - )

[Okay, yeah, brief personal opinion interlude - it is just bonkers wild to me that there are people who complain about Sakura in the Five Kage Summit arc. That entire season is the greatest character arc she ever has. Literally she has never been more interesting and dynamic than in Season 10; it’s the first time she ever gets to be as deep and fascinating as the boys; what is everybody so worked up about? Oh, “she lied to Naruto that one time” - Sasuke joined infant-kidnapping baby-murdering human experimentation machine Orochimaru when he was twelve years old in order to (dare I say it????) selfishly pursue his personal goals and yet, somehow, we are still able to root for him. He abandoned his friends/allies to imprisonment and death (Suigetsu and Jūgo) or outright stabbed them in the chest himself (Karin) in order to (SELFISHLY) get what he wanted, and yet, somehow, we are still able to love him, understand him, and be on his side. Naruto is canonically not upset with Sakura about her lie after receiving context for the situation and I think we can probably take our cues from him without feeling the need to bring her up on war crimes; please calm down]

[Sorry, I just really love most of Season 10 and think it’s one of the best examples of how good this story can be when every single character gets to do something that matters (as opposed to things being all Naruto, all the time) so I get a little bit worked up over people complaining about some of the best writing Sakura ever gets. I don’t understand what certain elements of fandom want from her. People complain about her being “useless” and not doing anything that contributes to the story, but then they complain just as much when she does finally get to act decisively and have just as complex/dynamic an inner world as the boys. She’s “weak” for being unreasonably in love with Sasuke, but when she tries to be “strong” and put her love for him aside and eliminate him in order to protect Naruto and the rest of the world, she’s evil, because she should have been more understanding of his situation (despite the fact that she doesn’t KNOW anything about his situation). But then when she can’t go through with killing him after all because she cares about him too much despite the things he’s done, she’s not "compassionate" or "kind" or "a good friend," she’s “weak” again. Nothing Sakura does in S10 is more wrongheaded or rash than any of the batshit, buckwild things Naruto and Sasuke have done in the past (and will continue to do in the future), but when Naruto and Sasuke have big feelings or take bold action, it makes them interesting characters, whereas Sakura can’t breathe in anyone’s direction without being minutely scrutinized for moral impurities.]

Anyway. Back to a more measured response.

Every single piece of development Sakura has with regard to Sasuke in this season satisfies me so much. Her initial shock and disbelief at hearing that Sasuke had joined the Akatsuki? Good, appropriate. The fact that she starts to acknowledge the reality of what Sasuke’s done sooner than Naruto does? Also extremely appropriate, very in-character for both of them. Her taking Sai’s words to heart and deciding that the promise she asked Naruto to make when they were children is causing him to suffer and she has to relieve him of that burden? Juicy! AND thematically significant (promises!!!! the burden that a promise places on a person, especially when it can't be kept - we've seen that before in this story and we'll see it again). Her anguished pivot from wanting to protect Sasuke to realizing that she has a responsibility to protect the countless innocents who will die because of the war he’s trying to start? HELLO THIS IS INCREDIBLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Her knocking out the classmates who agreed to help her so they don’t have to share in her burden (and so the only person Naruto will hate when it’s over is her)? BRUH. Her being so committed and focused on her goal of saving innocents and protecting Naruto (not just from being harmed by Sasuke/the Akatsuki, but by the possibility that Naruto will someday have to hurt Sasuke himself) that she tries to take everything on by herself and walks into a confrontation that she absolutely cannot win?? INCREDIBLE. (Literally the first time I watched this, I said, “Finally!!! It’s Sakura’s turn to go off the rails!” I laughed with my sister about how Kakashi isn’t even mad, because Naruto and Sasuke have been pulling stunts like this for years and Sakura was way overdue for her own meltdown.) And then, after Kakashi intervenes in the fight - Sakura barreling back into the battle when she realizes he’s going to take on the burden of killing Sasuke himself in order to spare her and Naruto the horror - “I can’t let Kakashi-sensei bear this burden!” I love her for that.

And then, of course, in the end - her not being able to do hurt Sasuke after all. Despite committing herself to the act, despite forcing herself to put her feelings for him aside, despite resolving to stop him from starting a war and killing innocent people, she can’t harm him. She cares about him too much. This, too, is thematically significant - think about Itachi’s “you don’t have enough hatred” - she doesn’t have enough hatred to kill someone she cares about, even if it seems like he deserves it, even if would be the right thing to do to protect others. She can’t do it, and Sasuke almost kills her for her compassion.

I love the dynamic this sets up between her and Sasuke, for a few reasons:

1) Personally, I think Sasuke respects Sakura much more for trying to kill him than he would have if she’d just tried to talk him out of his behavior or beg him to come home (a la their original confrontation in Part 1). This is the first significant interaction he’s had with Sakura in years, and the fact that she does something SO contrary to his memory of her is an important demonstration of the fact that she’s not the same girl she used to be. Sasuke spends a lot of time after his defection declaring to his old team “I’ve changed; I’m not that person anymore,” but this is one of the moments where he’s forced to acknowledge that his teammates have changed, too. Time didn’t just stop for them when he left. While he was turning into someone new, so were they. They grew up without him, and his old memories of them can’t encompass the whole picture of who they are now.

(This is a little tangential, but in general, I love the spectrum of reactions that Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi have in this sequence, and the way that all of them are ultimately messages Sasuke needs to hear. Sasuke - who we know textually regrets what he did here, who apologizes to Sakura for it later - for “everything,” in fact - needs Naruto’s aggressively optimistic open-arms policy, yes, needs that potential, that unconditional possibility of return. He also needs Sakura’s refusal to let him hurt her friends and start a war that will kill thousands of people, needs her surprisingly ruthless attempt to take him down; needs just as much her failure to do so, because it shows him that she still loves him too much to kill him even as she condemns him. And he needs Kakashi’s grim line in the sand, needs someone who very possibly won't hesitate like Sakura (despite the horrifying personal cost), someone who will try to reach him but also won't let him escape and become the next generation’s Orochimaru, who won't let him cause untold suffering to untold numbers of people just because a teacher loved him too much to stop him when he had the chance.

(And then even Kakashi chooses not to deliver a killing blow when he has the opportunity -)

(I know that in fandom people are more likely to be all, “oh, Naruto Good, everybody else Bad,” but I don’t think the narrative frames Sakura or Kakashi as “worse” than Naruto in any way. The story goes out of its way to make it clear how desperately they don’t want to hurt Sasuke and how much they care about him. And [this is just my interpretation, so obviously I won’t claim it as fact], I personally think that Sasuke - Sasuke, who, looking back, can see how lost he was then and how tortured he would have been if he’d gone through with many of his plans - would be grateful to Sakura and Kakashi for making an attempt to stop him when he couldn’t stop himself.)

2) On the other side of this, the fact that Sakura wasn’t able to deliver the killing blow means a lot. Sasuke was incapacitated under that bridge; he was completely at her mercy - but she stopped with the kunai an inch from his back. She couldn’t kill him, even though she knew that he was completely willing to kill her (because he'd attempted to Chidori-assassinate her from behind just a few minutes ago). That’s huge! Sasuke is too out of his head right now to process this or understand it, but later, it's going to matter. She stayed her hand. She spared his life. She loved him too much to hurt him, even when he’d given her every reason to take him down. She hesitated, and he almost killed her for it, but her inability to strike him ultimately gave him yet another chance to come home, another chance to get better, another chance to have a life outside of his pain. Despite everything, some part of her still hadn’t really given up on him, and that knowledge will matter later, when he’s finally able to acknowledge it.

The point of all this is to say that I really have no complaints about Sakura and Sasuke’s dynamic in their S10 confrontation. This season is the point where Sakura fully grows past her “girl with a crush” stage and into her “shinobi must make very harsh decisions” adulthood, but it never means that she doesn’t care about the person she’s trying to take down. Her ultimate inability to deliver the killing blow remains a dangling lifeline for her relationship with Sasuke, an open door that Sasuke is able to walk through at the end of the story (literally, in fact, when Sakura opens that portal for him and saves him from Kaguya’s desert prison, and figuratively, too, when Sasuke apologizes to her).

3. she only wants to save you

The last stage in their relationship is what Sakura settles into during the war arc. She started off Part 1 being just a girl with a crush, then tried to harden her heart and put her feelings for Sasuke aside in service of the greater good, but she was unable to actually follow through and kill him, and because of that, what she’s come to accept by the war arc is actually two things: that 1) Sasuke truly is willing to let her die if it furthers his goals, and 2) she wants to save him anyway.

She has no intention of pursuing Sasuke romantically. She knows full well that Sasuke isn’t interested in her. She even knows that Sasuke isn’t really on their side (there’s a great scene where Sai questions Sakura about Sasuke’s return, and she reassures him that everything is fine, and Sai sadly thinks to himself “even I can tell your smile is fake”). She’s well-aware that Sasuke didn’t try to help her when Madara stabbed her. She’s well-aware that he left her to die in the lava pit. She’s also well-aware that none of this is enough to make her stop loving him. He doesn’t have to care about her - she still cares about him. She still wants to help him. She still wants to save him.

This is not hidden, hard-to-parse character development. It’s explicitly articulated on the page:

Sakura’s not trying or wanting to make you hers! She only wants to save you.

I’m not sure if people look at this last confrontation and unquestioningly take Sasuke at his word (as if we haven’t just read 71 volumes/watched 700 episodes showing us how how painfully distorted his thinking is), or if they stop reading/watching before the end of the scene, or if they don’t understand that Sasuke saying something doesn’t make that statement an accurate representation of reality. The entire point of this scene is to show us how deeply mistaken Sasuke is about Sakura (and, by extension, the rest of Team 7). He’s locked into a false pattern of thinking. His single-minded focus on revenge and destruction has blinded him to the unconditional love his friends feel for him; he’s become so accustomed to using others and being used that he can’t understand or accept that someone would care about him without needing a reason, without needing him to love them back, without needing to receive something from him in exchange.

Sakura’s not trying or wanting to make you hers! She only wants to save you.

Sasuke matters to Sakura as more than a love interest. He always has. She does love him romantically, yes, but she doesn’t only love him romantically, and her desire to help him is not and has never been contingent on him returning her feelings, romantically or otherwise. Sasuke isn’t able to acknowledge that in this scene, but that doesn’t mean we’re supposed to just sit back and agree with his warped perspective. Kakashi is the one who’s explicitly positioned as the voice of the narrative here. We, as the audience, are supposed to recognize that Kakashi is the one telling us the truth.

[tangential thing 1: You don’t have to love Sakura's last plea to Sasuke here. It’s not my favorite, either - the best part, other than Kakashi’s speech at the end, is the moment after Kakashi collapses when Sakura’s expression changes from pained uncertainty to pure rage, when she grits her teeth together - when I first saw that, I almost leapt out of my seat like “Oh my god. She’s finally going to let him have it. It’s finally happening - ” I wanted that so badly, and I still think it would have been a more effective writing choice for Sakura’s last words to lean more into her anger at the suffering Sasuke is causing all of them (himself included!) and less into yet another of Kishimoto’s “let me have Sakura articulate what a shame it is that she can’t do as much as Naruto despite the fact that I literally just went through a major reveal sequence in the war to show that she’s caught up to the boys; I can’t make up my mind about whether I want her to progress or not” - it’s extremely frustrating (and it's something he does at the very end of the S10 Team 7 reunion, too, which is the ONLY moment of S10 that falls flat for me). But at the same time, even if there are ways this sequence could be more satisfying, it doesn’t change the fact that her plea to him is not remotely motivated by a desire to be with him romantically and not anything to condemn her for.]

[tangential thing 2: I do like how she remembers that moment when Sasuke says “Thank you.” That panel precedes her saying “If there’s even a tiny corner of your heart that thinks about me…” (which I’m sure is one of the things that people like to criticize about this scene, aka “oh she’s sooooo self-centered” etc), but that particular line of dialogue is preceded by that particular flashback panel for a reason: Sakura knows that Sasuke DOES think about her. He thinks about all of them. Sakura remembers that “thank you,” and it reminds her that despite everything Sasuke has done and said since, despite all evidence to the contrary, she knows in her bones that his expression of gratitude back then was genuine. He cared about her once. He cared about all of them. She’s trying to reach the part of him that still does, if it exists.]

[tangential thing 3: The fact that Kakashi says “she suffers from loving you,” and it triggers Sasuke to remember his own family - thinking about how much he suffered (and still suffers) from loving them - “Perhaps…those are the ties to a failed past” - the idea that it’s not worth it to have bonds if it means you suffer this much…that it’s too difficult, it’s too painful, and if Sakura and the rest of Team 7 were smarter they would just give it up (all Sasuke knows how to do now is sever potential bonds before they can hurt him; so why aren’t Sakura and the rest of his teammates doing that, why can’t they let it go, why are they making this so hard - ) << yeah, he clearly doesn't care about her/them at all.]

4. the shadow of my family

This has all been a really long way to answer the original question, but the short response to “What do you think about the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura?” is “I really care about it,” just like I really care about the relationship between Sasuke and Naruto, just like I really care about the relationship between Sasuke and Kakashi. And I don’t think the story ever asks me to choose between them.

I’m not sure whether it’s the impact of Boruto-era “canon” that gets in the way of other people approaching things this way (I don’t consider sequel material when I evaluate the original story), or if it’s Kishimoto’s frequent disinterest in/disrespect towards female characters, which yes, does sometimes make it harder, or if it's a shipping thing (bane of my existence), or some combination of factors, but for me, taking one member of Team 7 out of the equation hobbles the rest of the story. I can’t read/watch Naruto while hating one of the protagonists and loving the other three. It doesn’t work like that for me. The story wasn’t written that way, and there’s nothing in the text that would cause me to receive it that way.

That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with disliking one of the main foursome (or any character, for that matter) - obviously we're all going to have different preferences, and everyone is free to enjoy or reject whatever parts of a story they want, or to like or dislike whatever characters they want. I know that some people have more fun disregarding canon and doing their own thing, which is fine. My own personal zone of enjoyment comes from receiving the story as closely to how I think it was intended to be read as I can, and personally, when I look at this particular story, what I see is that all the members of Team 7 clearly demonstrate their love for Sasuke in ways that he himself later recognizes and acknowledges. All of them are driven by their desire to save him and their unwillingness to hurt him. All of them make repeated choices to chase after him when he runs away, to trust him when he hasn't exactly earned it, to give him another chance when he doesn't appear to deserve it. ALL of them, not just Naruto, do these things multiple times throughout the story, and Sasuke owes his life (and thus his eventual recovery) to ALL of them, many times over. Kakashi disobeys Hokage-elect Danzō and breaks the law to negotiate for Sasuke's life with a foreign head of state. Sakura and Kakashi both have opportunities to kill Sasuke in the Land of Iron, and they choose to spare him instead. Kakashi stops Sasuke from killing his only friends at two different points in the story, which would have been a mistake Sasuke couldn't have recovered from. Sasuke would have died in Kaguya's desert dimension if Sakura hadn't saved him (Sakura, who knew that Sasuke wasn't even truly on her side yet, who knew he'd abandoned her for dead multiple times already that day). Kaguya's bone bullet would have killed Sasuke too, if Kakashi, with his intention to die in Sasuke's place, hadn't leapt in front of it (Kakashi, who also knew that Sasuke wasn't fully on their side yet, who also knew that Sasuke had abandoned him for dead earlier that day). Sasuke and Naruto would have BOTH died in the Final Valley if Sakura and a severely injured Kakashi hadn't chased after them to heal their injuries.

Remove any one member of Team 7, and Sasuke never makes it home. Without the combined efforts of all three of his teammates, he doesn't survive. That’s the way it should be, thematically, for a story whose first and most foundational premise was the importance of teamwork, and since Sakura was just as essential to that framework as everyone else, I’m just as invested in her relationship with Sasuke as I am in his relationship with everyone else. You can’t remove one leg from a four-legged stool without damaging the integrity of the entire structure, and for me, discounting any single member of Team 7 irreparably damages the integrity of the entire story.

TL;DR: I love all of the Team 7 relationships, including Sakura and Sasuke's, because despite what some segments of fandom seem to believe, the text of the story never gives me any reason not to.

#naruto #meta #replies #anyway that's that! hopefully that is a helpful answer #thank you for the question! i honestly don't think i would have ever gotten around to writing about this if i hadn't been directly asked #i love talking about the stories i enjoy (obviously; we all do; that's why we're here)#but i'm usually ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about responding to takes that blatantly misread the narrative to justify hating a particular character or ship #mostly because a) it's whatever. as long as people mind their own business and leave me to enjoy myself they can do what they want #and b) some opinions are so divorced from the actual text that they're not worth discussing #like. what's the point of responding to random internet posts saying that sakura was selfishly pursuing sasuke as a lover the entire time #when that is textually and provably not the case?#if you're that committed to experiencing things in direct contradiction to what the narrative is asking of us then just go ahead #is it mildly annoying to me? sure. but so are lots of things and it's better to just let stuff go #like - i initially planned to take this piece of meta all the way up through sakura and sasuke's last scene together #the one where he tells her 'maybe next time' and finally reclaims and redefines itachi's forehead tap (INCREDIBLE. THIS SCENE.)#but ultimately i changed my mind because everything i wrote for that last section was coming out too harsh #i generally prefer to talk about fandom stuff in a chill/friendly approachable way #but i kept thinking about the most obscenely & disrespectfully inaccurate read of that scene i'd ever seen #and i couldn't figure out how to talk about it in a non-scathing way #that scene and the one where naruto gives sasuke's headband back are the ONLY well-written things about the finale of naruto #they are SO perfectly constructed and i can't respond to people slandering either one without feeling an urge to kill #so i just deleted it. partially because again - this is fandom; it's not that serious; people can do what they want #but also because i know i get extra frustrated about people picking over the text and plucking out isolated bits and pieces #to contort into blatantly misinterpreted mutant shapes that 'confirm' whatever pre-existing judgments or ships they had #instead of experiencing the story as a cohesive whole & keeping in mind the greater context of what it's always been trying to communicate #people on this website say 'we all interpret things differently :)' as if it means no one can ever be wrong about what a text is saying #newsflash: not all interpretations of a text are valid. things can't in fact mean whatever you want them to mean.#the ***story*** persists and exists even if the author is dead to you #if you choose to ignore that then that's fine; it's just fandom; who cares. but i'm not going to pretend you're 'analyzing' anything.#(ok now i'm really done. you can see why i deleted this section XD)

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