#like i didnt even tell anyone about my gf last year bc i was scared to come out AND NOW one of them doesn't trust me anymore bc she thinks +

[svnflowermoon]

i feel so bad bc i came out to my mum two years ago and i still haven't told anyone else in my family :(

#luc posts #like i WANT to tell them i really do but i just cant????? #like i feel like i should have told them by now? #i haven't even specifically told more than two of my friends bc they know i like girls but they don't specifically know #like one of my friends knows basically EVERYTHING bc i feel super safe with her and shes going through a lot of the same stuff with gender + #+ and aspec stuff so i tell them everything but then i just havent told half of my best friends? #like i didnt even tell anyone about my gf last year bc i was scared to come out AND NOW one of them doesn't trust me anymore bc she thinks + #+i dont want to tell her and ahhh its so annoying like I KNOW theres no timeframe but it feels like there is #luc vents

[gameclam]

Barmey and Mind's relationship headcanons 👀👀 (same guy sorry)

thisll be a mix of their relationship + past relationships

Freemind's will mention Eddie, bc of this i will say my Eddie =/= Eddie's mind Eddie, idk shit abt that one, my Eddie is based entirely off of the stories Fm told in his canon story. (just so ppl dont get confused or something)

Barmey's relationships;

He tends to date people he met online in mmo's, most of the time he doesn't actually have a thing for them tho bc he didnt know he was gay for far too long

he's still friends with his old GF from high school, they broke up in college bc he felt like they were better friends, she was an exchange student and was the most popular girl in school. If he told you this you would probably not believe him.

Thought relationships were supposed to be awkward for the entire relationship

Never realizes anyone is flirting with him, if he does notice anything he thinks they're joking

had less relationships in elementary -> high school (until he met his gf) bc he was one of the only trans guys in the entire shitty Arizona town no one wanted to date him. and if they did he wouldn't have even noticed tbh

The only time he started REALLY questioning his sexuality was when he met Freemind in college but just assumed that he just thought he was really cool

Now that they're dating he finally realizes why people want to kiss and stuff. he thought ppl just over hyped relationship stuff

you might be surprised but he's the top in this relationship

Will literally jump to tell anyone everything abt his boyfriend even if it's what everyone sees as 100 red flag stories in a row

Very easy to make jealous but he tries to not be weird about it most of the time

literally trapped in the honey moon phase for the rest of their lives

once as a romantic gesture he made an entire rube goldberg machine throughout their entire apartment that ended with a box of banana laffy taffy dropping onto Freemind's bed. literally Freemind will bring this up to everyone

desperately tries to win prizes for his bf at fairs or amusement parks but always fails. he fucking sucks at them bc he gets nervous. If absolutely no one is looking at him he would get a perfect score

he is a little bit better at showing his affection than Freemind is

He's not had many bad relationships or anything, mostly bc he doesn't often go on dates with people. (dating regularly bothered him bc to cut time out of his schedule)

When he has tried dating Often people think he's kind of cringy or annoying bc of his very specific interests so they never clicked.

Freemind's Relationships;

Freemind has not so good luck with people, his past relationships never lasted that long for one reason or another.

He tends to be very bad at figuring out when people are into him or completely hate him. He often reads it completely wrong (Someone who doesn't like him = they want him, someone who obviously wants him = wants to kill him)

Similar to Barmey he didn't have much dating luck as a young guy bc he was trans + an actual lunatic. Plus he looked like a nerd for most of his years until he started his punk phase when he was 15. His town wasn't as small as Barmey's so they didnt know anyone (he lives in a town CLOSE but not IN Seattle in most of my headcanons. I have no reason why this is different. sometimes he does live there tho depends on the day for me)

Despite talking a big game he has a lot of trouble flirting with girls first bc they scare him, bc of this he tends to only get flirty when they flirt with him first bc he's too intimidated to actually do anything

he has gotten pepper sprayed before, not for anything serious he just has absolutely 0 luck. Once it was because his ex gf was mad that he made a pipe bomb in her garage and once it's bc some stranger mistook him for someone else when he went to talk to her. He was also tazed once but that was bc he lost a bet with his gf at the time

He dated ONE normal person exactly one time and it was the weirdest relationship he'd ever been in. He would literally rather date someone who slashes his tires bc he forgot their birthday over someone who's favorite hobby is going on hikes. Never again

Tends to prefer flings over actual relationships

made out with like 50 different dudes in college and still didn't realize he was bisexual until he was living in New Mexico (this depends on the au i'm thinking of bc sometimes he been knew and sometimes he doesn't) He thought this was just normal college shenanigans

He also gets jealous like Barmey does. They are mutually jealous ppl when it comes to eachother.

Eddie is his drug deal and best friend from high school, depending on universe he slept with him or fooled around w/ him at least once. But they have no romantic feelings for each other, just mutual attraction.

Freemind tends to date girls who want to burn down peoples houses and crash cars. Sometimes this is fine sometimes it isn't. He prefers punks + goth/emo + weird girls, he prefers fatter girls who are tall but any height and body type he can find attractive.

As for men, he prefers guys who are dumb as a bag of rocks and infuriating OR absolutely batshit crazy or both. He tends to prefer Fatter tall men. but any height and body type he can find attractive.

Was that guy who refused to say "I love you" in like every single relationship he was ever in, his relationships were often mutually unhealthy.

However there was the rare moment where he would become absolutely infatuated with someone bc they were perceived 'better' by his mental illness. If they broke up he would either immediately hate them or spiral into thinking he's the worst person alive. This happened once while he was dating a girl who cheated on him, after their breakup he spiraled.

Now that he's dating Barmey he has to learn how to love and be affectionate like a most people. The best way for him to do this is to randomly gift Barmey things that he knows he likes. (like a "Look i thought about and remember the thing you like.")

He does a lot of cooking specifically for Barmey bc although he doesn't like cooking that much he's good at it and it's better than the garbage Barmey eats nearly daily . This is another sign of affection bc usually he wouldn't care.

^ in the same vein, another form/proof of love is that Barmey can be in the kitchen while he cooks, which is crazy bc usually Freemind absolutely despises when people are in the kitchen with him when he cooks bc it overwhelms him. But not Barmey :)

Is not normal about asking for cuddle time he will enter the room and just stare at Barmey until he notices him or sit very very close to him until Barmey initiates like a damn cat. Luckily Barmey usually does.

He WILL however initiate holding his hands constantly. it's one of his favorite forms of affection when they're outside together. He also likes putting his arm around him while walking.

Freemind parades Barmey around like Barmey is his trophy husband. He would actually attack you if you said anything rude to Barmey right in front of him.

#pile of bones #freemind #barmey #headcanons #long post

[messyheartsuggestions]

i am so scared. this might be the first time i fall in love and feel what this foreign feeling really is, but this might also be my first biggest heart-break. I used to shut down feelings whenever my mind told me "it will never be reciprocated for X reason" and it used to be easy doing so. but now? im in this constant fight with myself. I try to break away and I can't. no matter the arguments. I can't stop thinking about her. and its weird bc we've never met irl and probably never will

its just that this is the first time I meet someone who somehow speaks the same language my soul does. we are so damn similar. too similar. its weird. in the perfect world we'd be declared soulmates. although there are some differences in the surface, it just seems as if our essences match and that's so beautiful. but I could be overromanticizing it. I've just never met a woman more perfect than her, and all the cons disappear when I remember how wonderful she is.

the differences are what my mind keeps repeating to myself and using as points to prove why my heart will be broken. but idk what there is about this woman that is just so alluring. her mind, creativity, kindness. how gorgeous she is. maybe im just too gay. and I always get this feeling when I am crushing on someone that at one point I might be disrespecting the persons energy by nurturing unreciprocated feelings. so now im on a battle with myself. because im not crushing, im in love.

I can't handle it. it's agonizing... I don't like this feeling.

~~~~~

Trust me I definitely understand all of this!!! Firstly, its not weird to be in love with someone you’ve never met irl!!!!! I fell in love with my girlfriend way before we met and way before I could even hope I would ever meet her! You can know someone that you’ve never met irl way more deeply than anyone who does know them irl!!!! And anyone that you can truly know, you can love.

Secondly, i definitely definitely understand that second paragraph. I honestly see myself in everything you’ve said in both the 2nd and 3rd asks like so much bc i’ve felt all of that with my girlfriend before!!!!!! She gets me in a way that almost no one else does and we see the world in the same way in all the ways that matter. I have told her this a thousand times before but I don’t think I was ever truly myself before I knew her. i didnt let myself find out who i was because i was so scared of rejection but she made me feel safe enough to explore the parts of me that i had never known before and open up and be who i really wanted to. I know what you’re feeling anon, and i know that it is scary, but love is wonderful, i promise.

Thirdly, i just want to emphasize how much i understand when you said “I might be disrespecting the persons energy by nurturing unreciprocated feelings”. i only ever felt this with my gf when we were just friends, but like you described that feeling so well. but i HAVE to make you understand that that’s not true. you are never disrespecting anything about anyone by loving them. love is all about respect. being in love with someone will never be wrong. and also, you cant control your feelings, you cant magically make yourself get over them, so you should never feel bad about it.

And lastly. please tell her. tell her because the world is huge and unknowable and theres always at LEAST a tiny little chance that she could love you back and god listen to me. listen. its worth the risk. its worth everything. i promise you its worth any possibility of pain. i swear. i swear i swear i swear. please dont throw your chance away. take the risk. just tell her how you feel. even a tiny chance at loving and being loved is worth the possibility of rejection. always. do you really wanna look back and wonder what couldve been your entire life? do you wanna look back years from now and feel bad about how much time you wasted hiding how you feel when you couldve had her? dont do this to yourself. just tell her. if she doesnt feel the same, she’ll tell you and you’ll be able to start to move on. but as long as you can hold on to a little bit of hope that she might maybe perhaps love you back, it’ll be a thousand times harder to try to move on. becuase you dont really know if you should.

i know you came here from my other blog, so i’ll reblog a post there about this last part. please read it. please consider it. i wish you all the best and my dms are always open💜

#mod james #answered #anon

[juni-ravenhall]

personal bad feelings dont read if sensitive

im doing really badly lately

i keep waiting for the new counsellor to call me (its been a month since she said she would call next week aka 3 weeks ago, and yes i have messaged the clinic and they said they would tell the counsellor, then nothing)

i feel like shit in my body (i have body dysmorphic disorder since i can remember and just hate my body and face immensely for being fat and ugly and dont want to live in this body and aside from that my body is also sick from being fat and unhealthy which makes me even less want to be in this body but i have zero energy to take care of it) (all my energy goes to not killing myself every day aka all my energy goes to try to cope with my mental illness and hopelessness about ever being able to live life) 

i feel really extremely sad and upset about everything about living this awful life and having no possibilities and chances due to my mental illness due to being abused for my whole life and nobody helping me and even when ive been trying to get professional help for YEARS i still havent gotten help and they keep lying and changing their mind instead of helping me and i wonder how many people just like me, kill themselves because of this healthcare system being their last chance to survive and then it doesnt help 

i cant trust anyone of my “”””””family””””””” or “”””””relatives”””””””””” (i renounce all of them they are not mine) and i dont have any other friends than my gf (who is in israel and we’ve never met irl but we voicecall every day and video call etc) and you guys on ssoblr and i cant trust any doctors or counsellors because they keep not helping or victimblaming me or just leaving me hanging as if i will be fine on my own when i tell them over and over that im suicidal and that ive been trying to get help for years because i dont know how much longer i can go on

im physically sick but im too scared to go to the doctor about anything whatsoever until im vaccinated because people are FUCKING USELESS DISGUSTING WORMS FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL ABOUT CORONA aka not isolating and not wearing masks and not social distancing and therefore im TERRIFIED of going to clinics and hospitals until im vaccinated so i just have to handle no matter how sick i am (while hoping to not die from it) until i can get vaccinated (the reason im esp scared of corona is bc im fat = higher risk of severe symptoms and death)

(“why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” because i try to not kill myself every day and im terrified of killing myself i just cant handle being alive and i dont know how much longer i can handle it, also if i was sick with corona and needed to be hospitalised (again due to being fat etc higher risk) there is no saying whether i would just feel that this is too much and i will just give up, and if you think “why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” in general youre uneducated so shut up)

i feel extremely sad and extremely bad and im sick and im scared and im really struggling to handle being alive right now and ive tried to get professional help for years but they dont help me, and i cant go to the emergency or anything when i feel extra bad because of corona (because of people being useless worms who refuse to take precautions) 

i really dont want to be awake beacuse every moment being awake i have to handle being alive when i feel like i cant, but when i sleep i always always always have nightmares for my whole life and either way i cant sleep when im not sleepy so it doesnt matter even if i chose the nightmares i dont have the ability to choose to sleep more than i already do

i keep thinking about starving myself (ive had eating disorders for large parts of my life) because of the dysmorphic disorder and suicidal feelings and every day i just think about staying in bed and not eating anything and just wilting away and at least i would be skinnier before i die

i tried to cook healthy food (which i did for years before) and i got so tired from cooking for 1 hour that i didnt have energy to eat anything when i was done cooking and just gave up and left everything on the stove and went back to lay down

i dont have any energy and no motivation and everything feels hopeless and i feel extremely sad and alone aside from my gf but she is far away and its a long time until we can be together

#personal #mental illness #depression #suicidal #non sso #not sso #text post

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

#💌ask #🌻 anon

[caffeinelemur]

Tag Game: 15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Tagged by @pingo1387 wazzap my dude

Are you named after anyone? 

First name after mom’s great grandma AND an actress she loves; middle after her great aunt and a flower she loves,, family names man, welcome to the Large And Close Family Curse lol

im not complaining im fine w my name haha

When was the last time you 😢?

Who knows, i’ve had a bad cold... my eyes have been like a goddamn faucet i might’ve cried bc i couldn’t stop, i can’t even tell anymore

before this prob watching Doctor Who im such a sap i just rewatched all of Ten and i always cry at the end of that, my poor sad-puppy-eye child only was Ten for like 9 years, comparatively thats fucked up, their other incarnations last hundreds of years if not MORE but Ten didnt and they didnt want to go so soon and i UNDERSTAND U SAD SAD PTSD-RIDDEN SHORT-LIVED CINNAMON ROLL i have to stop or ill keep ranting about DW gomenasai

Do you have kids?

My Dog Son: Jeremy Hillary Boob PhD; he is three now he is a lil toddler fluffmonster

i dislike the general idea of human children and even though im apparently “very good with kids” I absolutely dont want any thank you

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

GASP! NO I WOULD NEVER 

its my first gollydang language lets gooooooooooo

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Im p badly face-blind so like their hair or clothes; something ill recognize them by, also colors (thanks Synesthesia!)

What’s your eye color?

Brown; and mom says i have some gold in there apparently

Scary movie or happy endings?

Bitch i love fun comedies get that sad scary shit away from me i have anxiety and bipolar depression im already sad and scared 24/7

i especially like happy musicals, BRING BACK MUSICAL MOVIES what happened world we’re super reliant on disney (i hate 3D animation it looks like shiny shit where is my art also so many live action remakes im dyin scoob) bc everyone else stopped making them after the sixties its yoUR FAULT MY GF THINKS I HAVE AN OLD MAN FETISH ALL THE MOVIES I LIKE ARE FROM THE FUCKING SIXTIES OR EARLIER THEY ALL OLD AF OR DEAD NOW STEP UR GAME UP UNIVERSE I CANT WATCH BING CROSBY, DANNY KAY, AND FRED ASTAIRE FOREVER 

Any special talents?

I am an artist, musician/singer, and writer if i can get off my depressed ass and do something, i guess? Im also good with animals? are these special talents? Mom says im very good at languages; im currently learning/have learned like 16 i think but im not at Fluency Level in any of them yet so... 

Where were you born?

if you met me you’d never guess bc i have a neutral accent (unless im around one accent too long then i Autism Mirror it without knowing) but im from southwestern Virginia; save me from these tiny town twangs i dont understand what anyone is saying here and ive lived here for 22 years. Ppl here think im from a different country and i dont know why apparently i pronounce words strangely

What are your hobbies?

um... arts, crafts, and music; i collect lots of things, most notably antique skeleton keys, plushie animals, and souvenir spoons; reading, idk lots of stuff

Do you have any pets?

My Boob Son (hes a maltese/bichon frise mix), and the “family” has three more tiny floof dogs (mini shih tzus) [dont think this is the end once my number comes in imma have a gottdam FARMFUL of ALL THE AMINALS]

How tall are you?

5′2″/157cm 

What sports do you play/have you played?

um. i like golf and tennis. and table tennis? i have a ridiculous arm and Zero aiming ability we will not find that ball there he go lol,,

i was on a cross country team one year in middle school and it was Hell On Earth, and i also did golf in middle school another year. I hate competition i just wanna play for fun so sports arent really my thing it gets too heated and im too out of shape, ill, and uncoordinated to do most of them well anyway. (i also constantly get hit in the face w sport balls its like theres a magnet in my head i cant escape)

Favorite subject in school?

History, languages, art. I’d say english/writing bc i love reading and writing but im too picky about what i read and every english class is basically forcefully making students agree with some guys opinion instead of forming their own so,, its more like im Very Good at it but im not a Fan 100% of the time (tho the only nickname i ever had was “The Human Thesaurus” so) 

I also like basic Algebra but like No Other Math i just enjoy logic puzzles. Im very good at logic puzzles and sudoku but i cant comprehend Geometry (i have dyscalculia) or high level algebra or anything past that (wtf is an imaginary number? arent all numbers imaginary? this entire concept is redundant and confusing what are we even solving now there isnt an ANSWER WHATS THE POINT AHHHHHH) 

Dream job?

i have no idea, this is probably why i was so indecisive at uni; i just like learning ??? I want to get a PhD in SOMEthing? im not good at any Job Skill i was majoring in Art History guys

tagging: ive lost track of like most usernames sorry my guys but while i cant remember who to tag,, i tag u all in SPIRIT! 

i wish ur usernames were just ur names ok i cant remember i just wanna put like “@”nikki for @thisfairytalegonebad,, the only one i can trust is Lies @orangelies everyone else is out of luck so IF UR MY MUTUAL ACT LIKE I TAGGED YOU BC I FUCKIN WANTED TO IM SORRRYYYYY

#Caff plays a tag game #my beloved pingpong #loopy on dayquil? time to ramble answer #who are any of you ive misplaced my friends #im so sick im sorry brainfog central #this was a very shouty one #gomenasorry

[xyloophones]

hi! :) music anon here - i just read your reply and pls give me allllll the (gay) music recs!!

this is gonna be a long list anon pls buckle up. also note that im not gonna link anything bc theres a lot but all of these songs are on youtube/spotify 

🌈 xylo’s super gay, super incoherent music rec list 🌈

the basics / the popular ones

troye sivan. i know. I KNOW. half the playlist was already him but listen ive been a troye fan since he put out happy little pill & let me tell u all his songs have such a VIBE. blue neighborhood???? an iconic album. got me thru my last 2 years of high school. to this DAY i cannot listen to suburbia without thinking about driving to watch the sunrise on my first day of senior year w my best friend, sitting in the parking lot in her car n holding hands over the center console bc we were so scared of growing up. he just EVOKES that kind of MOOD u know??

listen to: fools–– talk me down–– heaven 

frank ocean !!!! a bi ICON. i waited so long for new music n he blessed us with TWO ALBUMS. not only is his music spectacular and literally lyrically genius (”see both sides like chanel?? c on both sides like chanel???“ as a metaphor for bisexuality???? BEAUTIFUL. INCREDIBLE. LITERALLY AMAZING.) but he also just has sUCH an aesthetic. 

listen to: thinkin bout you if ur feelin soft;  ivy ––chanel–– nights if u want his newer stuff

lesbian jesus herself hayley kiyoko. anon. ANON. listen to me when i tell u that her music will change ur life. she is so RELATABLE and her songs are SO CATCHY. the girls like girls music video single handedly raised my gpa and cleared my acne. 

listen to: everything uhh girls like girls–– palace–– gravel to the tempo

kehlani. im literally so obsessed. shes again another #bi icon. her gf is really cute. im in luv w her. sweetsexysavage is her latest album n its honestly??? driving my life force???? her voice is also just so lush & smooth while also bein slightly gravely in a way that makes me blush in public a lot like how can i be so gay for just her voice??? shes also just so charming n has the cutest smile and, again, i’m gay

listen to: honey is my fav song bc it reminds me of my gf (AGAIN: IM GAY) but distraction is v cute n flirty n a longtime fav. listen to in my feelings if ur ex is awful. also: keep on –– piece of mind –– the way feat. chance are all really good. just listen to her entire discography honestly

DODIE. ive been a dodie fan since i, a repressed baby gay, stumbled upon “she” on youtube and was filled with such immense love that i immediately stanned and here we are, 2 EPs later. nothing more relatable than pining for ur str8 best friend. pls listen to “she” it literally kickstarted my gay awakening

listen to: ill say it again, she –– also sick of losing soulmates–– her cover of somebody else by the 1975 

against me. i dont know if ur into punk anon but even if ur not, consider checking out against me. lead singer laura jane grace is a super badass trans woman & trans dysphoria blues is an album with. suCH EMOTION. 

listen to: black me out , a song to plan a revolution to. im here, im queer, im angry and its a midterm election year #registertovote 

lesser known artists + singles + lgbtq+ artists that i know but am not a big fan of under the cut

let me go by tunde olaniran. i regularly cried listening to this song after a break up. if u wanna be emotional n gay this is a good one. 

somebody loves you by betty who. ok not specifically gay (i dont think???) but it was used in a rlly cute gay marriage proposal (look it up on youtube im begging i guarantee u will be smiling for the rest of the day) and they are. ALWAYS. playing this one at pride. a bop. 

boyfriend by tegan and sara. ok i know theyre technically popular but no one talks about their last album and boyfriend is a good song ok?? ok.

jenny by studio killers. another song about pining after ur best friend. can u tell i went THRU SOME STUFF in high school 

ok aGAIN i know that halsey is also technically mainstream but i didnt wanna write a whole paragraph about her. listen to strangers feat. lauren jauregui. #unpopularopinion but her last album was just “ok” dont @ me

HEART ATTACK BY LOONA. do u like k pop??? do u like gay girls???? do u like cute music videos???? my friend do i have the song for u

mary lambert. she did the hook in that macklemore song. pls listen to her other stuff its so good n soft n  “i cant think straight / im so gay / sometimes i cry the whole day” #relataBLE

everyone knows who sam smith is right?? anyway prayers is good. his entire last album is honestly so good but hes not a particular fav of mine.

elton john. a LEGEND. he’s like 150 years old but im hoping the sheer love of the gay community will keep him alive for another 150 years

ANGEL HAZE. ive been a long time fan.  v emotional n the lyrics r heavy but honestly?? so important??? one of my fav rap artists

i know a place by muna. i listened to this on the way to pride n almost cried in front of my mom, my friends, and an entire BART station full of pride goers. its a v upbeat song, im just emotional 

zolita. uhh not a big fan tbh, just not my musical style

girls/girls/boys by p!atd. ok also not technically gay (?? maybe??? there are some Bi Rumors but thats not my place to say) but anyways def a bi anthem. dont watch the music video its very “lets have two girls kiss for views” which is like. not the msg of the song but whatever i aired my salt about that in 2013 n im not going back now

idk what kina grannis’s sexuality is (again, not my business) but she does a lot of good covers and never changes pronouns. i like sweater weather and shut up and dance with me a lot. 

oh !! ben j pierce !! 2 v good songs about how gender roles r bullshit n heteronormativity is awful. hes also like my exact age n i luv his makeup tutorials. 

there are honestly so many more. also a lot im forgetting. im so sorry you had to read thru this long incoherent post w my awful typing 

anyway if u want my full gay playlist on spotify just msg me off anon and ill give u a link (this goes for anyone btw !!) im currently adding + taking things out n its a constant work in progress but u know, its at least not the same 8 songs over and over again (no shade at 8tracks tho….ha …) 

#xylo speaks #sick beats #anon #ask #i know tumblr will mess up n put this in the tags of all these artists #im sorry in advanced #the only reason im not putting slashes thru all their names #is bc this post is hard enough to read already #sorry!!! dont mind me!!!! #this is btw not including songs that are like #gay but not really ?? #gay bops by straight artists i mean #so like #example: its raining men by the weather girls #also these are all pretty modern #but dont think im missing out on george michael #im a big 80s fan #and ever since i came out my mom has been aggressively suggesting gay 80s music #in an attempt to relate #its sweet #but also means my playlists are all either #1980s synth or 2017 edm #and no in between #Anonymous #its 4 am btw #i swear im an adult w a functioning sleep schedule #this really is a mess im so sorry #i went back to schedule this for earlier since i forgot to change my time oopsie doopsie

[jeongshincharyeo]

019. I'm Triggered.

Today, exactly at night, you shared me about Vkook fanfict which makes Taehyung then top and Jungkook the bottom. I need to admit that top!taehyung is hot but.. it makes me unmood. Truthfully, i have a bad experiences with a Top!Taehyung x Bottom!Jungkook. Lemme tell you some. I wasn't that new being bangtan fan but, 2013 i was.. more into Seokjin x Jimin. Seriously first time being yaoi as Bangtan after they debuted, i was a Seokjin at first then i dated a Jimin. So i kinda more into Seokjin x anyone. Then 2014 i am into Jimin? or Jungkook i guess. Thats why i have that bot acc as Jimin since 2014. And i just into Taehyung x Jungkook at 2015 after i saw some Vkook moments. Thats why i start to rp ing as Taehyung and searches for a Jungkook? I guess. I forgot. So here's my bad experiences, related with a Top!Taehyung x Bottom!Jungkook. 1. It was 2015 and i made new agency with Aimee, and two other friends. And we all be 1995 liners there. Me as Taehyung, Aimee as Kei, another friend as Jimin and another one as Seolhyun. And yeah we kinda promote to many people again? And i promoted it to one of my noona. I asked her to join but girls' spot currently full so i told her to be Jungkook. But not bcs i like VKOOK so i wanna be vkook with her. Its just i want her to join but sadly no girls reservation open. But well, she said she would love to, so okay. She joined as Jungkook. And i am a Taehyung there, ofc i acted like "Yah maknae!" and he be like "Hyeong!" and i was like, damn its vkook and it feels cute. Bcs it was my first time interested to vkook i guess. And then, i start to flirt him and be like yeah, make one agency shipped us and etc. Until i got jailed so i dmed this Jungkook, telling him i got jailed and he just laughed like a normal reaction but we kept on talking. And idk why it leads to kissing parts? Which made me gone wild and started to fuck him. I really was. And he kinda into me, and i really into him.. and i dated someone in my previous agency that time but i havent tell him. And after i told him i will break up with my couple for him, he suddenly dont want and said he dont wanna be a third wheeler. istg. That was my great time being a Vkook and he just lose hope on me and even left the agency after i keep begging that i will serious with him. But yeah. It was hurt enough but i still break up with my couple because my couple currently never active again even after i checked that account a year later so. nvm her. And yeah that was my first and worst experience being a Vkook. 2. This one with someone i know from intl closed agency too. I joined as a Taehyung there.and ofc theres a Jungkook. It was a simple hi and having fun at first, until people start shipping us because we usually ise matching dps and headers, teasing each others. Though i didnt intend to flirt him because i was just wanna have fun? But then when i jailed, as always, i dmed everyone included that Jungkook. And yeah we talked again. But we are not that intense yet, we just talk like usual i guess? Until we moved to fl acc. And in fl acc he was a suga there? So we Taegi. But still no special feelings. But though its not, i usually give him a peck on lips like before sleep or supporting him. Things like that. But this person kept on avoiding my flirt idk why so its kinda hard to hit on him. Until he, himself, confessed to me. But when he confessed, at that time i alr interest with someone else and also date a Yoongi on kakaotalk. Look how player i was. Then yeah he kinda lose hope and disappear and i never talk to him again until now. 3. That jerk. Yeah that ex who dmed you that day. We were VKook as well. Eventhough he was the someone that i have interest with when i was with the 2nd person, we were not Vkook that time. So i meet this asshole at 2015, may, on his closed agency. Yea its his. And my boyfriend (a seokjin) who dragged me there. And i was a Taehyung. Then in that agency, my bf seokjin is a jungkook so i joined as Sehun for 2days i guess? Then i kinda tell my bf, i want to be Jungkook and asked him to be Seokjin so KookJin. And he agreed. So yeah we be KookJin and ofc i meet the Bangtan Hyungs in their Bangtan Group chat. And this Taehyung aka that asshole dated an Eunji noona there like for months alrd. But i admit hes friendly to meet a stranger/new person. He dmed me personally and asked me things like where i come from, my selca, real age, etc. And we kinda be close friends there. But then after that, i was also active in another agency and this other agency is more fun so i drag my seokjin along but he be a girl, CLC's seunghee there. And we be more active there so i kinda abandoned that asshole's agency which i being KookJin there, until we unverified. Then after that 1st person, scandal i really want to break up with seokjin but he never shows up so i just left message then abandoned the acc. i guess. but i guess i revamp that acc as new rp acc- ok nvm. Then, after that, weeks later i dated a Yoongi (which was my dad in another ca, wow joined so many ca before) on kakaotalk and i be a Jimin there. and a bottom. istg i think i was a bottom too like 40% before. And though this Yoongi only active on kkt (katanya sih) so i joined many closed agency right. And thats why i joined one with my noona, and i be seulgi at first. I also drag my Yoongi along but he be predebut IKON's Chanwoo there, and he kinda inactive. Then after that i cc as BTS' Jimin and i think i suit as a boy more. UNTIL a new Taehyung joined and i can sensed him somehow. He shared a fact about himself and i know his kind of typing so we chat on dm. And im right, it was that asshole. And since i dont really have strong feelings with him i was just like happy to meet my old friend so we kinda chat and exchange kakaotalk and line. After that, idk why this taehyung he always sad about his ex eunji in that first ca i met him months ago. So he told me alot and i be his temen curhat right. And you know la i can be playful sometimes but he know i have a bf and i know he have a gf so we kinda tau dirilah. But then idk why we shared things about VRene, on LINE. and we keep fanboying about how cute vrene is, blablabla. and suddenly he changed as an irene? to tease me idk- so i changed from Jungkook pic to Taehyung. And since i really into vrene, i kinda turned on so i want to touch him as irene. So, i kissed him, as Taehyung to Irene. And surprisingly he didnt stop me so we keep going until... i fucked him. I mean her. That was our first sex and we were vrene that time with me as the top. After that sexting time, he confessed that he actually have feelings for me since first time we met but he knows that we both have someone like everytime we met so he just wanna confess it. But ugh, he make me interested to him so i said i also like him and asked him to wait if he want us to be official, we should break up with our couple first. Well thats how we start into the serious part but we kinda start to be official a month later, as Vkook. And guess what? Yeah, he is the Top!Taehyung. He fucked me as the Taehyung who called me baby boy while pounding on me. Istg, for that 2015 until 2016, for a year, he really make me crazy of him. Make me cant even let him go. Though it became me 60% Top after that, but our first yaoi sex is Vkook and he as top!taehyung. 4. This last one happened october 2016. Yeah after i break up from that asshole, i know this Taehyung from fl ofc. He is a girl on fl, but she said she want to make a Bangtan group chat on kakotalk so i want to make one also, i chatted her then. She said she is a Taehyung on kkt, and since im a Jungkook fc, we only need to look for the rest of members. After we being friends on kkt, idk why its like only 2days after we talk, i just suddenly turns clingy to him and i want to cuddle. I seriously was only close with him that time so i asked him to hug me, etc. Tbh i was going to be a dom? But then he be more dom than me. He pampered me and i hate to admit that he have a skill. Though he is a girl on fl, on kkt he can be a very gentle dom for me. I think thats the first time i have interest to someone without having sex first. bcause i usually have interest after i see how they sexting. heh. bad me i know. BUT, however i keep on hurting this Taehyung.... because my asshole ex keep coming and want to be with me. So i kinda confused since this Taehyung been nice to me so idk what reason to tell to let him go from me, so i lied that i have no interest to him again because he changed his ava as a Mark on kkt. I said i think i love him as Taehyung more though its not true. I like him a lot but i love my ex more that time. So yeah... he hate me. Until now. He called me facechaser then we really.. never talk again because he unfollowed me then blocked me. Like really block, i cant see his profile anymore- smh. I just dont want to date him while i still have feelings to my ex. He will be more disappointed later so i do this for his sake too. So you see... Almost all of my Vkook experiences with Taehyung as a dom, have a bad stories behind it. Which makes me turned into a Dom!Jungkook because i dont wanna see myself being weak towards a Taehyung again. Its like a trauma and makes me...idk. I just dont like it. Though i admit even at first time trying to be Vkook, i like Dom!Taehyung better. But pain changed people. Everytime i tried to accept someone as my dom, esp Taehyung fc, it got me scared again and i dont want to continue anymore. im just-its wrong i know. I am sorry if i turned weird tonight. I still cant get over it but i'd like to- and i want you the one who help me to get over it? Ah its too long, you prolly bored with this page already- heh. Lets sleep aight? Goodnight♡

[jorenal]

july•fifth

so i know i said something about posting everyday and i totally haven’t, but i have a good excuse i promise.

i got a new iphone. the x. and it came in on the second while i worked a double, and i went to my mom’s to get it then came home and it didn’t get activated til late on the third. then boob and i went to summer jam in massanutten and came home and frick fracked. and i worked a double on the fourth and when i came home my girlfriend picked me up and we went to sunshine’s house. and THIS is where i start my blog of the day.. but not yet..

-pause-

so this is going to be a long one, but it’s the explanation of clibs. a long long long time ago, when i was in high school in my junior year i was friends with this guy that we’ll call wiz. clibs came, his then gf moron came, and his sister tibs as well. at the end of the night i asked if my drunk friend chessie could sleep on his couch. moron texted me the next day and got mad at me because i didn’t text HER to ask HER if chessie could sleep on CLIBS couch. make sense? didn’t think so either. anyways after that tibs stopped liking me as well as moron (which is really funny because me and moron are friends now). so clibs has hit me up a million times since they broke up. well even when they were together he always hit me up. and it’s been 5 years.

about a year and a half ago, he moved to florida. every single time he hit me up, i would tell boob about it. boob would roll his eyes. then he got mad at me one night and he told me straight up that he didn’t want to know anymore when clibs hit me up, so i stopped. i also asked him at the same time if he wanted me to block him on social media or defriend him at all and boob said no. THEN he moved back to VA. boob told me he had moved back and i said i knew and he asked me how i knew. i was honest and told him that clibs messaged me and told me. then he told me that he wanted to hang out, but i didn’t mention that to boob because i didn’t want him to freak out. so then he continued to hit me up when he moved back over and over and over and i started to tell boob again because he was back now.

then a few weeks later was the incident i told you guys about how boob texted clibs and then they exchanged a few. then the literal next weekend, my friend from school camel had a day drink/slip and slide party. we go and when we pull up, we saw clibs. i looked at boob and said whenever he wanted to leave we could. because i know how much he hates clibs. we stayed a while, about like 3 hours and in that amount of time boob decides to APPROACH CLIBS AND ASK HIM IF I HAD BEEN HITTING HIM UP. like first off what the actual fuck? anyways. clibs says yes apparently and then somehow shows boob something on his phone that said i had called him the night before. (the night before boob stayed with me so that made no sense anyways) 

so boob decides not to talk to me the rest of the time we’re at the day drink or the ride home and the minute we get back into my house and loudly inconsiderably breaks up with me without hearing my side of the story. he leaves and goes straight to alumbum and brennans and refuses to talk to me. i called his mom and alumbum and told them what happened. he told them and his mom and i completely different stories about what he saw on clibs’ phone. i stayed the night at alumbums and the next day they had their first sunday cookout of many. boob went of course and didnt talk to me or look at me and then we did not talk for a whole 5 days. after those days of me being single i literally attempted to move on. not with another guy obvi but just in general. i became okay with the thought of us not together, but he hits me up and says he wants to talk. i shouldn’t have had to but i showed him my phone records and PROVED to him that i did not call clibs. he believed me and we’ve been okayish since.

-unpause-

So last night when i my girlfriend and sunshine picked me up, we went to his place and there ends up being a corgi there. BEST THING EVER. it was so small and it was so scared bc the music was so freaking loud, so it had to leave. after like 20 minutes clibs and his friend 5star show up. my gf is pretty annoying. she always does things to get attention from others, especially dudes. she is the definition of extra, especially when she’s drunk. anyways she was all over all three of them so clibs decides to talk to me after the fucking bs he pulled a few weeks ago between me and boob. 

i told him that to stop being weird because me and boob were completely okay and he went on to tell me about how boob initiated the whole thing. i just thought it was all bs because i literally just do not care anymore. then the rest of the night he was all in my shit. i kept like going away from him and him and 5star kept popping back up talking to my gf and sunshine because they didn’t know anyone else there, but us. he kept trying to take snapchats of me and i went off. you can even ask my gf and sunshine, we literally argued all night. about dumb stuff. he kept calling me sacagawea because my hair was in braids and telling me how his sister should do my hair and stuff. 

we FINALLY left sunshines and went back to my place. i had to drive because as always, i’m the only one who was sober, and then me sunshine and my gf decided to go to waffle house. sunshine and i had a heart to heart about clibs because they’re cousins and he told me how he felt sorry for me and how he thought i was really cool and how he never really believes stuff like that from clibs’ mouth. i was really thankful that there are some people out there that actually listen to me and look at me as a person and clibs as a person and know to is telling the truth, because boob did not see that.

so now i’m torn because i want to tell boob i saw clibs and that clibs was in my presence for a while last night. i obviously will, but i was torn about texting him and telling him today, but i know how he is. he’ll sit there and think about it alll night on his own maybe text clibs and be stupid or something. so i landed on just telling him when i see him in person again, tomorrow, so i can be like hey clibs was at josh’s. and then change the subject. so he doesnt think about it all damn night and i could probably talk him out of doing something dumb if he tries to text him or talk to him again.

so ultimately after all that bs, when i tell him tomorrow, it will be a test. if he reacts dumb and texts clibs or something, i will know it’s time to be done. and if he handles it well, then i know he’s growing and working on me. stay tuned, because i’m obviously going to tell you.

[thingsandtrichotillomania]

Shit  Hit The Fan

It all started 3 days ago (6/26). I had hung out with this guy named Eric and it was really nice. Previously that day it had stormed really bad so our electric was out for two hours but he showed up anyways and it finally turned on maybe half an hour later. Then we made cupcakes as I promised and then sat in my room at watched a bunch of comedians on Netflix. Idk how it happened but we ended up cuddling and it was really nice.

Later that day when I had’ come over to Eddie’s house Eric text me saying he had a good time that day and then he confessed he liked me. I mean I could obviously tell but still. I said I was scared because I’ve never had a guy who treated me nicely and didn’t want this to be the same. He said I deserved better and I said I had no idea what to do about Eddie.

I then said how I’ve dated every guy I’ve ever really talked to. Matthew (tho we had never talked before dating, I didn’t even know him, smart move past me), Edward (I didn’t even DATE him but might as well have called it that), and now him. He said he just wants me to be happy which is so nice.

I said I don’t know what to do as I haven’t had a real relationship in almost 2 years. He asked when we could meet bc he wanted to talk about it in person and he wanted to do something that would help us decide. I instantly knew what that something was. He eventually told me anyways and I could tell over text we were both nervous.

Lastly I said I was scared bc what if things didn’t click and he said they probably would immediately because even cuddling was amazing. So that was Tusday.

THEN YESTERDAY on Wednesday (6/27) we met up again as we agreed at the park and I had told him what had happened the other day (Ed said I can’t give him any more blow jobs just bc I said no and then I wasn’t allowed to stay the night anymore etc) and then his friends called and he had to go get some weed stuff so I sat at the park by myself for a bit till they came back. Then I sat by myself over by the swings pretty much until his friends left bc I’m not good with strangers and stuff. 

After his friends left we chilled at the park before I had to pee so we walked over to my dad’s house and I went pee and stuff. Then we chilled in the living room and listened to music and finished watching a thing on Netflix. Cuddled some and then he told me to sit up and I knew what what was going to do. I sat up and he kissed me I could have sworn I had stopped breathing. 

So yeah. He kissed me. And then we kinda laid there for a bit and then maybe an hour or so later I was just laying there and he kissed my neck once and I was like nuuu. He asked why but I was too shy to say anything and so he got this grin on his face and was like I’m not going to stop till you tell me why. And me being brave at this moment was like I’m not going to stop you and so yeah. He did and it was really fucking nice. Like I haven’t been that happy about anything physical in years. It was like making out after a really long time or something. Who knows.

So later on before I went back to Eddie’s he’s texting me saying like he’s really happy and stuff. He was like it wasn’t my first intention to get you all hot and bothered and I laughed bc I’ve never heard it that way before. I said I wasn’t and I was like well now you know my neck is sensitive and he was like you totally were and apparently its my neck and thighs. I was like it wasn’t that bad and he agreed but he said my physical reactions are perfect and I always got confused on why people said that so I asked to elaborate.

Apparently like if a certain spot gets touched or kiss my body will tense but not in a bad way and I guess my face was also full of like happiness and excitement. I got so embarrassed XD. But yeah. That happened. But now...

KEEP  THOSE PARTS IN MIND BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE SHIT HITS THE FAN NOW OKAY??h

Yep. I go back over to Eddie’s house (though a part of me was saying that I really didn’t want too and I didn’t because I was too happy) around 8 last night and we all chill and like two more people come over and we have fun. Since I had gotten like 4.5 hours of sleep the previous night on Tuesday I decided to sleep around 1 am. I did for about an hour or so and I wake up.

 So now it’s 2 am on Thursday (TODAY) and I’m woken up because Eddie came into the room with the other two. I eventually get him to lay down around 3 am or so but he starts grabbing my ass and stuff. I’m too tired to care at this point but I know I should have stopped him there. I’m faced towards him as I was trying to sleep but I couldn’t because my body decided that what he was doing was feeling good and now I have adrenaline. 

Before I know it I feel his lips ON MINE KISSING ME. I was so fucking shook because you all know how he’s been like ‘trying to over come his exs’ and that’s why he never kissed or made out with me but HERE HE IS, LAST NIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS. I had previously decided that I was going to drop him but now he does this shit and my stupid ass KISSES HIM BACK and now WE’RE MAKING OUT. Like the way he does with like tongue and shit and again, before I know it he’s asking me really quietly, because there were two other people in the room if I wanted another chance. 

He was talking about a blow job. I ALREADY FELT SHITTY FOR MAKING OUT WITH HIM but guess who was living off of adrenaline and 4.5 hours of sleep at that point? Me. But I can’t blame being tired or anything because I was conscious enough to say no.

But I said yes so we went into the living room and I gave him a bj (something I thought I’d never do again) but it was short. When I said I was done I was fucking broken on the inside. He got up though and laid on top of me and began to grind and god that felt so good too, I didn’t stop him. 

When everything was finally done I had gone into the bathroom and cried a little. I was so disgusted with myself and actually had almost puked. I was texting Eric because I had sent a message saying I was the worst person in the entire world. So I sat there on the floor until Eddie came in and asked why I was just sitting there and he asked who I was texting at 4 in the morning.

I didn’t wanna say but eventually I had told him it was Eric because he kept asking to see what it was and who it was and I DIDNT wanna show him.

At this point I KNEW that shit was going to hit the fan this morning. Eddie asked why I was texting him and I said just finishing a convo from earlier since I was awake and I still didn’t let him see. He jokingly asked if I had caught feelings for him but I shook my head no but the tears said differently. He asked what was wrong and wouldn’t let me sleep till I told him. 

So I gave him a watered down version saying I had kind of liked Eric ju st a little. He said to pack my stuff and go after we go swimming tomorrow. I said I understood but he wanted to keep it going and said go make out and cuddle with him bc that’s why I didn’t show him the messages and stuff. I said we’re not even dating bc we aren’t. He said I was just like all his other ex’s and he’s right. 

He said he didn’t know if we were going to be friends after today either. He said all this worrying about me finding a gf and I should have been the one who was being questioned.

THIS BITCH OF A SENTENCE MADE ME MAD THOUGH. I KNOW FOR A FACT he’s talk talking to this 14 year old girl named Alyssa so I don’t understand why he can talk to her but I can’t talk to someone I like. He doesn’t know that I know about Alyssa and the heart eyes and shit. But anyways.

He said I need to leave today and I said I know. He was like you’re acting too calm and I was like I’m sobbing. He said he was getting flash backs from his ex’s now and that it was all my fault which it was. 

And that’s it. I called Eric and cried for about half an hour before realizing I should probably go to the bedroom bc their mom gets ready for work at 6:30 and and it was almost 6. I hung up and went in there and laid down and by some way I slept for like another 4 hours. So the past 48 hours I’ve slept maybe a total of 10 but even that’s a stretch.

So yeah. I’m a piece of shit human who fucked up really badly last night. I’m just so surprised on how Eric took it. He was like I’m not mad, just jealous if anything. I don’t deserve him or anyone good tbh. 

I’m so tired now. I’m probably just gonna get my shit together and text/call dad to see if he can come get me because it’s almost 12 in the afternoon so I know someone is awake. The people here probably won’t be up until at least 1 pm because that’s when we were supposed to go swimming. I’m not going obv.

Eric said he wants to hang today to cheer me up so I might do that. Who knows. I’m just so done with everything.

Thanks for reading my awful life choices. 

June 28th, 2018

#Relationshits #I fucked up #Tired as fuck #i need sleep #Crying #Sobbing #Depresed #Done with everything

[03-23-2018]

Please if I ever try to be with my ex again please remind me.

Reasons not to get back together with him:

Reasons I left my ex:

#1 He hit our daughter in the face, left a bruise on her cheek and there's court documents and proof...

(dont be stupid, this should be enough to remind you, Destiny)

#2 Yelled at our son and got mad at him, even though hes only a baby (2-4months old) would set him down really hard and tell him to shut up. Especially when playing video games.

#3 Smoked for hours outside

#4 Smoking was more important than feeding our children

#5 Smoking was more important than changing our kid's diapers

#6 Video games, the phone and friends were more important than paying attention to myself and the kids

#7 He had really stinky feet and crusty socks

#8 He was never taught to do laundry until he met me

#9 He's really messy and leaves stuff everywhere

#10 Lets dishes mold, never rinsed them

#11 Would make me/rarely ever take care of the kids even though I was sick, ill, tired or just came out of the hospital and refused to help because of selfish reasons

#12 Never contributed financially without throwing a fit or asking his parents to cover it for him

#13 Let the cats suffer with nasty litterboxes, let them poop everywhere, never bought them toys, food, etc.

#14 Yelled at me, made mean faces at me, would pound on the door when I needed space

#15 Would bully our child all day and wouldn't stop until I joined in so he could blame me for it or would direct his anger at me for comforting her

#16 Left his hair everywhere in the shower

#17 Never helped lift, carry or move heavy things unless he felt like it, I had to do it most of the time

#18 Went through classes to help with his behavior for a year then later used that knowledge against me to say I was abusive

#19 Wasn't that affectionate overtime, he became distant, moody, agitated

#20 Treated his parents like shit, told them to fuck off and go away when they would try to help him

#21 Eventually I became the new target when his parents weren't around for him to explode on then eventually the kids when I fought back

#22 Would never buy things we needed, often would spend his money on himself for weed, cigs, guitar stuff, etc.

#23 Snores really loud

#24 Wouldn't give me space when I needed it, would refuse to sleep on the couch

#25 Cheated on me while I was pregnant on Halloween which was my favorite Holiday and an ex cheated on me on Halloween and he knew that so he cheated on me the EXACT SAME WAY my ex did, in a car and slept with a newly 18 year old girl at my brothers house

(as well as that Halloween was the best one our daughter had and he ruined it)

#26 Blamed me for the cheating

#27 Hed blame me for a lot of things

#28 7 out of 10 and 181 out of 200 on the MOSAIC test

#29 Never tried to get a vehicle until we separated

#30 Wouldn't respect my feelings, boundaries and continue bringing people into his life that he knew I was uncomfortable with

#31 Threatened to kill my ex boyfriend the first time I moved on from him, never was able to rekindle even a friendship with my ex over that bc he started dating his ex again.

#32 Threatened to drag my ex's dog from the back of a motorcycle bc he claimed he knew the "hells angels"...

#33 Got mad at me if I used the last of our money on OUR kids if he ran out of weed or cigarettes

#34 Had a problem with all of my friends, regardless of gender, but especially if they were overweight, ugly or really close to me.

#35 Often told me I should have had plenty of attractive female friends and was mad that I didn't

#36 Convinced me every guy I talked to was out to harm me, have sex with me or rape and/kill me and to get away from them asap.

#37 Almost left me, pregnant, with our daughter on the streets in Reno so he could go back home to Gridley bc he had work the next day. He didn't care about our safety, he cared more about his job. He yelled at me for about 2-3 hours in the parking lot for refusing to get in the car with his abusive friend's girlfriend (in reno) until some man intervened and took us to get food. He then left me and our daughter stranded for about an hour or two to get our luggage and I had to beg someone to give us enough money to get a hotel and then when my brother showed up to get us he had me leave with his parents bc he had them come get us thus resulting in my bro and his gf probably being a little irritated about everything.

#38 the second time I left him and moved on with a boyfriend he quit his job (the same one he would've abandoned us in reno for) so that way he could stay at home with us

#39 my water broke early and he'd visit me in the hospital very rarely and barely tried, sometimes he'd cause fights in the hospital

#40 yelled at me while our son was in the NICU and rarely wanted to go take care of him when we went to see him

#41 weed, cigs and drinking are very important to his identity and he would judge someone if they didn't partake

#42 Used the "Hells Angels" club to intimidate me or people I knew/loved/cared about over a lot of things

#43 I was the main person who paid for everything, did everything, sent him to walk with my money to get things we needed sometimes having to plead and beg him to do it and it still was never good enough. I never did enough for him or anybody

#44 Would call me psycho a lot or crazy and threaten to do something about it when I'd stand up for myself

#45 Kept his abusive father around even though he almost was killed by him Christmas of 2016

#46 Our kids were told to shut up or stop crying, our first kid by his father when we lived with him then later our son was treated the same by Jesus

#47 Kept anything around that would bother me, did things that'd bother me, constantly would push buttons to keep me miserable even when I opened up and told him it made me miserable he continued doing it

#48 Blamed everything and everyone for his own actions

#49 Would tell me he loved me, but would rarely ever show it

#50 Hated my parents and would talk shit about them any chance he'd get as well as other family members

#51 He'd purposely ignore me when I'd talk and wouldn't reply to me even if he heard me

#52 he’d get mad at the sound of me eating, chewing or any small things that were normal. I noticed he started making me food less and less.

#53 would yell at me if I changed my mind about having sex

#54 Was a VERY ANGRY drunk and did try to hit me or be abusive while drunk

#55 would yell and/or intimidate the kids and me for hours, sometimes we had to lock ourselves in the bedroom, I have recordings of him screaming for hours and banging on the door not allowing us to sleep...

#56 would lie about things to “save face” or keep his reputation clean, especially his DV charges with me + our kid(s) (even though its in court documents and on file)

#57 thought things I learned in my psych class were bullshit and argued with my education

#58 lack of contact for days, weeks, months on end about the children, says one thing does another, doesn’t want to co-parent or get along for the children’s sake, doesn’t want to meet my significant other or meet people the children will be around, which is ridiculous bc I think the children deserve better than that

#59 hated my self expressive part of myself, hated that I was polyamorous, didn’t accept things about me like my openmindedness about lgbt/trans/ things I was passionate about, very close minded and judgemental and held me back from being able to fully be myself

#60 refused to leave my side when we’d break up, would threaten to take the kids to another country, would intimidate or stay in the household or prevent me from being able to move on. No intentions of letting me live my life without him so I had to flee and separate us both from our children to forcibly get him out of the picture.

#61 still had to “save face” myself to slowly break the relationship to move forward

#62 he believed staying together was better for the children, even in a miserable, toxic and extremely unhealthy environment that he made minimal efforts to change

#63 screamed and yelled and made me feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time

#64 would hold our daughter down or use very sexist, overpowering punishments. would use scare tactics or anger towards her.

#65 Never took responsibility for his errors, it was hard to get him to admit his faults. had to use the “dont know what you got until its gone tactic” and walk away or cut off communication, if even possible

#66 his parents called me by his exes name for almost the first year of our relationship

#67 said I was supposed to cook, clean and give him kids and do very old-fashioned things for him

#68 would make me think there were evil entities and scare me to stay awake all night with him

#69 he’d interrupt me a lot and would barely let me feel, would barely allow me to cry without yelling at me or making the argument about him, even if it was originally about my feelings about something that hurt me

#70 I was barely ever able to have a voice and couldn’t go out and do things for fear of upsetting him if it was with someone he didnt like/ didnt approve of.

#71 criticized my music taste, made me feel bad about liking certain artists

This list is not a direct representation of the entire relationship. It is only a small percentage of the toxic, unhealthiness that I endured. This is a personal journal entry I have chosen to share, this was my reality. I am hoping that people will use this knowledge to recognize when they might need help, to reach out, to look into resources, recognizing abuse, unhealthy behaviors, and basically to utilize it as a tool, not an instrument to bully or harass anyone, including myself and/or person(s) unnamed. 

I also understand these are my personal experiences and reasonings, not everyone’s situations are the same as mine. Please dont take offense to anything, it’s not directed at you. This list is the MAIN thing that helped me move forward and leave an unhealthy lifestyle, without it myself and my kids would have continued to suffer and possibly endure and escalation of abuse. I got away and decided not to take that chance or have it be a possibility. Thank you for reading this.

http://www.thehotline.org/

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. Users of web browser Microsoft Edge will be redirected to Google when clicking the “X” or “Escape” button.

More to be added soon as I think of them

(I will be rereading this a lot to myself when I feel weak and I'm posting it to share with others so you all are aware and hopefully can and will help keep me focused on moving forward away from him)