#like i cannot socialize right now. i hate when my anxiety does this

[torchickentacos]

anxiety 🤝 the mosquito in my room: won't go away and let me live my life in peace

#i've been trying to get rid of this mosquito since last night #and i've been trying to get rid of the anxiety since i was eight KGSDSJKFHGDKJ #Neither are working right now. #ok to rb #like i cannot socialize right now. i hate when my anxiety does this #the rsd is on such a hairpin trigger that i just. can't do the whole talking to people thing right now. #so we're just gonna have me time (cough. isolating) tonight!!! is that fun? not really but it's better than the alternatives #like i KNOW i am loved and appreciated #but some days my brain is insistent on convincing me otherwise which isn't fair to ANYONE #got stressed bc my mom was too quiet around me. like i KNOW she's just tired so we're just gonna not be around people #until my brain can stop deciding poeple hate me because they like. looked at me weird or passed the food too aggressively to my brain #so we're on break until i sleep this off #posting doesn't count though. i can still yell into the void

[redclercs]

DELICATE✰ CHARLES LECLERC.

xiv. this feels like the calm before the storm.

— the one where the world is caving in.

warnings: cheesy pop culture references, aidan and victoria are back, more articles than usual. mentions of panic attacks, anxiety tics, spelling mistakes in the tweets that i am too lazy to correct, forgive me. 2.3k words (+articles!)

masterlist ✢ next

'Did Timothée Chalamet get y/n y/ln a role in 'Little Women'?'

By Bridget Thomas

As previously reported by various outlets, actress y/n y/ln has been cast as the youngest March sister for yet another remake of "Little Women", expected to be premiered by the end of next year. However, we can't help but wonder, how did y/n manage to get a role alongside actors of such high caliber, such as Meryl Streep and Best Actress Nominee Saoirse Ronan?

Despite the success of movies such as Supercut and The Hating Game, y/n's acting skills cannot even begin to compare to those of her co-stars, she's a romcom actress, and she's supposed to stay that way. But as Ringo Starr once sung: "I get by with a little help from my friends" and y/n is no exception.

Timothée Chalamet, Greta Gerwig's other main muse, has Hollywood eating out of the palm of his hand, and his influence goes a long way. So much so, that he was able to secure Amy's role for new friend (possibly new something else) y/n y/ln.

Right after they were seen mingling at a party in Paris with y/n's boyfriend (probably soon to be ex) Charles Leclerc, y/n got the call that they decided to give her the role.

Don't we all want a boyfriend who uses nepotism to our benefit?

Seriously, though, how does y/n manage to get this heartthrobs to spare a glance her way and do this stuff in her name? Somebody call the Winchester Brothers, we might have a witchcraft case right in front of our eyes.

Click here to go to the next article.

'Victoria Presley: I still miss my best friend, but all she did was use me.'

By Daniel Gomez

After staying away from social media and her job for a month and a half, beauty influencer Victoria Presley is back and she's not afraid of anything. Not even legal repercussions.

Back in July, Victoria received a 'Cease and Desist' letter from none other than former best friend y/n y/ln, demanding she stopped talking about her in public and to news outlets. This sparked the rumors that Presley had been selling her secrets to tabloids and was the one to reveal the engagement secret alongside actress Mia Kim, Aidan Kim's sister.

Victoria immediately removed herself from the narrative, deeply hurt by her ex-bestie's actions. Now, after gathering her thoughts and recovering from being stabbed in the back, she's giving us this exclusive interview.

"I can't help but miss y/n, she was my best friend for so long. But all she did was use me." Victoria is still in disbelief of y/n's actions, after giving her all her love and support. "I let her live in my house for months, and one day she leaves without any explanation. All to meet that Formula One guy."

Victoria has expressed her discontent with y/n's relationship with Charles Leclerc several times, arguing he is one of the main reasons y/n cut all ties with her and not the rumors that she revealed y/n's secrets to tabloids.

"He changed her for worse. Their relationship is so toxic, they breakup and get back together again and again, and they're just looking for ways to use the other's reputation for their benefit."

However, Victoria is certain the relationship won't last much longer, since y/n has her sight set on co-star Timothée Chalamet. "y/n has liked him for a while. When the rumors of his relationship with Kylie Jenner came out, she assured me she could steal him away with a flick of her hand."

Meanwhile, Victoria is focusing on her beauty line and its evergrowing sales. "I'm competing directly with Rare Beauty and Fenty. I'm in the big leagues, the way I deserve to be."

Click here to go to the next article.

'Aidan Kim reveals tracklist for "MIRRORS" and moves the release forward.'

By Paul Dean

Aidan Kim fans won't have to wait until October 5th anymore since their idol has decided to move the release date for his debut album forward by one month.

While we believe this decision was influenced by the news of ex-girlfriend y/n y/ln making her acting comeback in a high category movie, his fans also begged him to 'remind everyone of how awful y/n is' and judging by the titles of his upcoming tracks, we're sure he's leaving no crumbs.

Check out "MIRRORS" tracklist here:

In Your Pocket

All The Things I Hate About You

Him

Cry Me A River

Stabber

Stupid Love Letter

MIRRORS

Round and Round (Star-5 Reprise)

Yours and Mine (Star-5 Reprise)

Blinding Lights (The Weeknd Cover)

No Lie (With Mia Kim)

We can't wait for Aidan's insight on his relationship and breakup to y/n, we're certain the details are juicy! Don't forget to presave "MIRRORS" on Spotify and Apple Music!

Monza, Italy, September 3rd.

1...2...3... deep breath in, 4...5...6, breathe out.

You repeat the process five times until your heart has set in your chest and isn't trying to break free anymore. Until you've stopped squeezing your thighs with your palms and you can keep your eyes open without feeling like the red decoration is stabbing your eyeballs.

It's good that you can manage your anxiety before it turns into panic. You're still embarrassed about The Spain Incident, although neither Charles nor Carlos fault you for it at all. Still, every now and then, their panicked faces flashback in your mind and you feel sorry for them all over again.

You don't want this weekend to turn into The Monza Incident. Not when Charles' contract renewal was announced a few hours ago and he's on Pole Position, this weekend has to be perfect. Or as perfect as possible, for your boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

The weight of the word has multiplied by a thousand in your mind. Silly, when you really think about it. But palpable in a way that has butterflies flying around your stomach every time you think about the word and Charles' smiling face appears in your mind.

He's your boyfriend and you're his girlfriend, and this was a mutual agreement you reached with panic still holding you by the throat, only soothed by Charles' soft lips against your temple and his warm hands rubbing your skin.

You agreed to come to this Grand Prix because it will be the last one for you for a while. Filming for Little Women starts soon, and though they have a couple of races in the States, your schedule can be a little unpredictable. Also, you're hoping to score more roles soon.

You breathe again, deep enough that your lungs ache and lightheadedness threatens to rise through your body. You're overwhelming yourself, again.

According to the world, you’re not skilled enough to be in a movie with Saoirse and Timothée and should give up the role to someone who actually deserves it. Which you won’t do, of course. That someone who deserves it is yourself. It has taken a lot of pep talks in the bathroom mirror to brainwash yourself into believing it, but you’re getting there.

Plus, there are more things to worry about with Victoria back on her bullshit and Aidan's album coming out in two days. There are so many things to fix again, just when you thought you were getting there. Of course the two people that hate you most in the world have to mess with you again.

"Already here?" Carlos asks the second he crosses the door to the Suite. "It's way early."

"Good morning to you too," you let the air out of your already burning lungs and smile at Carlos. "I have nowhere else to be."

You could be at the Paddock Club, mingling with whatever celebrity or rich local is there. Or even visiting McLaren, since Lando offered to 'show you the garage', something Charles didn't like, of course. The secret of your newly earned girlfriend-boyfriend titles is one you try to keep close to your heart.

As if that has worked before.

A wave of anxiety runs down the back of your neck when you remember the tweet you saw this morning about a Deuxmoi tip on Charles and you. What could the exact price be, to reveal your relationship to the world?

"Have you had breakfast? Looks like you're going to throw up," Carlos says, sitting in the sofa opposite yours.

It's at least the fifth time he's told you that during the weekend. You know he does it out of a place of concern, but it still rubs you the wrong way. You also need to look perfect, not like you're going to throw up.

"I had breakfast back at the hotel, it's just the lighting."

"Sure?"

"I'm fine, Carlos. How are you?"

Carlos shrugs, he's not being the center of attention this weekend despite this being another home race for the team. "Good."

"Didn't you have to be at the meeting today?" you question, although it's obvious that by his getting there just now, he didn't.

"Had my PR reminders yesterday. Charles is different."

Of course. He has to know what he's allowed to say about his renewal and what he should not speak on at all.

Your own team advised you not to let yourself be seen at Monza. Mildred would have pulled you out of the plane if it had been up to her, and Walter would have helped her hold you hostage until the weekend was over.

They're both trying to find out about the Deuxmoi pictures too, although you doubt they can reach an agreement of any kind with whoever holds them to stop them from calling People Magazine up.

This whole avoiding being seen thing makes you feel wrong. As if you were doing something bad with Charles instead of just finally letting the love you've felt for him for months show. You hate it.

You're wrong to compare your current situation with your past ones. Aidan was your first really public romantic relationship, but before that, you didn't hide your partners either. Of course you weren't that famous, but even then, you didn't entertain the thought of scurrying around like criminals.

"He'll be fine, y/n," Carlos adds, looking at the way your foot keeps stomping the floor, like you're some kind of hyperactive bunny. "He's on Pole. You can pray for Max's downfall, though, maybe that'll help."

"I don't pray for people's downfall," you click your tongue, crossing your legs to stop the tic.

Karma and all that.

"Maybe you should." Carlos winks at you, and your conversation is finished as Charles leaves his meeting.

You can tell something's off just from the way his shoulders tense, but he smiles at you the moment your eyes meet.

"Everything okay?" you ask before he leans down to reach your height as you sit and pecks your lips.

"Yes, everything's good."

He's lying.

─────────

What was the point of coming to Monza if you're only watching the race through the screens?

You don't think the sun has touched your face at all since you got to the circuit, and you really want to be out there. But you stay put in your seat as the formation lap occurs right outside of the Suite.

It will make no difference, though, Charles is focused on the race, as he should be, rather than whether you're watching him through the TV.

Soon enough you know what will make a difference.

It's some kind of miracle that Charles has managed to regain the P1 position after the disastrous pit stop Ferrari put him through, and maybe Carlos was actually praying for Red Bull's downfall since Max has his very first DNF of the season and Checo can't get past George in P3.

Charles is going to win Monza again.

The decision making tree branches in front of you in a matter of seconds, people at the Suite are already talking excitedly and someone asks if you want to go down, there are four laps left.

You get up from your seat, aware that if life was anything like that videogame you played a couple times on the set of Parisian Valentine with your co-star, the "This action will have consequences" legend would appear on the screen right now.

You follow the Ferrari worker out, but even between the excitement and celebrations, you manage to hear what the PR Manager really thinks of your presence in the Paddock.

"She’s such a PR nightmare,"

She switches to Italian when your eyes fly to her face. And you can only wonder what cruel yet entirely accurate thing she said.

It's worse than a nightmare. It feels like the apocalypse all over again. And the weight of the world is back on your shoulders, feeling like you're messing up what was a weekend out of a dream for Charles.

You flashback to Monaco and the way Mati pulled you out of your head and locked your phone in her purse. You wish she was here more with each passing second. You cannot tear your eyes away from every single tweet speculating about your presence, about your relationship, about your intentions. It's overwhelming.

But Charles' happiness is what matters. He's absolutely ecstatic, even after the mishaps during the interviews where his PR training had to kick in and lead reporters back to Formula 1 related questions.

The thought that maybe you should have tried to make friends with more people occurs to you when you arrive at the celebration in the private club and Charles is dragged away from you. He tries his best to hold on to your hand, but the truth is people want to be with him and not you, so you let him take the spotlight he deserves and enjoy it.

"So, are you and Charles dating, then? Didn't you use to be engaged?"

You half-smile at the girl who just asked you the question, so boldly it takes you aback. But you guess her eyes are so bright from how much alcohol there is in her system, she's bound to be direct with liquid courage running through her veins. She's pretty in that dark hair, dark eyes way that has you momentarily doubting your own looks.

The extra heartbeat that takes you to reply, has her eyes shifting around the room before settling on Charles, who is finally walking back to your side.

Your boyfriend hands you a drink and smiles at the dark-haired girl and her friend, politely. "Are you having a good time?" the question is mostly directed towards you, but both girls jump at the chance of saying they're having the time of their lives and congratulating Charles for such an epic win. But they prompt you to join the conversation a few seconds later, so you're grateful for it either way.

There's a song in Spanish playing on the speakers and Charles is doing his best to sing the words while encouraging you to move to the beat with him. With his arms around you, things feel a little lighter, the whole in your chest that anxiety carved out is slowly filling with the love you feel for him, and the happiness of the day outshines the darkness of the thoughts in the back of your mind.

That is, at least, until the first notes of 'In Your Pocket' replace the previous song, after the DJ announces it's a special request. It's a remix, obviously, so people can dance to it, but a few of them have stopped moving altogether just to be a little less discreet about eyeing you.

"C'est pas amusant," you hear Charles say to one of his friends, who is hiding his mouth behind a tall glass of alcohol, his eyes still betray his enjoyement.

"It's fine," you squeeze Charles' arm, trying your best to smile although you're being put in the spotlight and there's nearly nothing worse than being the butt of a cruel joke. "It's just a song."

You wondered many times what those surrounding Charles thought of you. They didn't know you, after all. His brothers were nice to you when you saw them around the Paddock, and it wasn't like you'd hung around the rest of his friends. Did they mock him when tabloids called him a homewrecker? Or did they believe he'd just embarked on what seemed to be a dead-end relationship?

"I'm sorry, soleil, they're just— they're idiots," Charles adds, his hand reaching for yours. He looks genuinely upset and you can't help but hate whoever requested the song a little more for spoiling Charles' mood rather than for making fun of you.

"Charlie, it's okay, I've been through worse," your reassurance doesn't soothe him, so you squeeze his hand and he presses his lips to your temple. "I'd rather listen to Bad Bunny or something, though."

Charles laughs and pulls you out of the dancefloor, to a more private part of the club where you both can catch your breath and share a few kisses, unafraid of people staring at you.

New York, United States, September 7th.

You know you're in trouble when Mildred calls tells you that you need to be at her office ASAP. She also used that condescending 'I'm the adult' tone that send you back to when you were fifteen and got in trouble with your mother, so it's another indication that she's angry at you.

Of course you know why, the words 'PR nightmare' haven't left your brain in days. And the moment you set foot in New York, Mildred was all over you about every single thing that was being said about the Monza Incident—aka seeing your boyfriend like any normal person would.

"This isn't ideal," Mildred says after a while, she has been explaining the public's perception of you for the past half hour. "It's like you—"

"Like I fucked up?" you cut her off, squeezing your knees to stop from biting your nails.

"We were rebuilding your brand, y/n. People think you waited for things to die a little so you could go public with Charles. Aidan's new album is not helping your case."

If you thought 'In Your Pocket' was bad, nothing compared to the rest of the songs. Some in which he called you a list of things including a homie-hopper, drama starter and said you settled for a 'bum' when you could have had a 'rockstar'.

"How is that my fault?" you don't intend to sound so whiny, but you can't help it. Why are Aidan's actions always your fault somehow?

"People are talking more about how you are dating a Ferrari Driver after spending months saying you weren't, rather than the fact that you landed an incredibly important role."

"We haven't told anyone we're dating,"

Mildred rolls her eyes despite her best efforts to remain professional. "Do you really think that's necessary?"

"What do you suggest we do?" you ask, knowing you won't like the answer.

─── team principal radio: ❝remember when I said it wouldn't take me one month to update delicate and then it took me longer than that? I'M SO SORRY LMAO. also not loving this chapter but i just want it out of my way for now i need it off my drafts, but don't worry this time i'll try for the next not to take me a century. thank you if you're still here, your patience means the world to me i love you all so muuuuch♡❞

✰ paddock club members: @sassyheroneckgiant @flowerchild-96 @fangirlika @shegotboreddsoo @roseamongthorns13 @cissyp @chimchimjiminie16 @saturnsrinqs @roni-midnights @gayyvodka6 @studioreader @lu-morningstar @ferraribabe @reidsworld @feelslikestrawberries @celestialams @missenclod @buendiabebeta @mycenterfold @aces-tattooartist @burningrred @you-bleed-just-toknowyouarealive @rainybabe25 @ru-kru @lazybot @teenagedreams-cl @cool-ultra-nerd @kuskumu @formulakay3 @bisexual-desi @somanyfandomsbruh @icarus-nex @xjval @xoxoloverb @headinthecloudssblog @incoherenciass @bookophiliac @torrie421 @nooshytushie @azxulaa @anonymous8462 @pukklv @bn7921 @be-your-coffee-pot @fdl305 @lovely-blackinnon @landonorizzz

want to join the paddock club? click here!

#charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc fic #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc fanfic #charles x reader #charles leclerc fluff #charles leclerc series #formula 1 imagine #formula one au #formula 1 imagines #formula 1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #f1 x female reader #f1 x y/n #f1 x you #f1 x reader

[misaldragon]

The mercs (and others) red flags.

Saw someone else do a post like this, hated it, decided to give it a try at it. Please keep in mind this is my personal list so if you don’t agree with something that’s a-okay. I welcome constructive criticism and questions.

Scout: Talks to people who aren’t there (See the comic where Zhanna tried to bed scout), major ego (to be fair he is god's favorite but still), will pick a fight with someone for you (If you have social anxiety like i do you’ll want to shrivel up and disappear), kills people (this is just going to be a given with all the mercs), and dates might be cheap due to him spending all his money on Tom Jones merch (Scout may set aside money for dates with you if you say you want to go somewhere else though but man cannot buy a house for the two of you).

Soldier: Man is as dumb as a bag of rocks (he drank led water cut him some slack… Also dumb enough to fall for just about any scam), like scout he will also fight someone for you but be much louder and bombastic about it (please i just was to not exist, no, don’t fight the dad in front of his kids), VERY proud american (as an american, this country sucks), and will yell at you, other people, anyone, that baby in the stroller? Getting yelled at! (Generally very loud person and doesn’t care who you are… Also kills people).

Pyro: Do you collect bones? You do now (Due to Pyro vision bones are probably candy or flowers or something to Pyro… They have good intentions but my god is it scary/creepy if you don’t know about Pyro vision), bones might be animal or human bones and also general body parts (Pyro vision again), will not shower around you.. Do they shower (they don’t want to be seen without their suit on but will let you clean the suit with them in it), and will probably steal your lighters (this is going off a hunch but also stealing is not something i like… Also kills people).

Heavy: Works very closely to Medic a lot of the time (and Medic is… A lot), VERY happy to do his job (and since his job is killing people this can be concerning), maybe a bit too attentive to his guns (can certainly be off putting to see a minigun in a small bed next to a larger one), and he was out of touch with his family (as shown in the comics when he's worried about his family only to find out they have been defending themselves just fine).

Engineer: Probably a workaholic so he may forget dates (note, he’ll also do his best to make it up to you if he does and start setting up reminders for himself he’s just not used to being in a relationship because of his job), makes southern sweet tea (as someone who lives in the south i know how sweet our tea is, if you don’t want cavities from looking at a drink don’t let him make sweet tea for you), probably shot at you before (mans paranoid because of spies, don’t sneak up on him), and would pressure you to ride a bull (mechanical or not but he’d prefer it to be mechanical and one he made to make sure it’s not to much, still won't take no for an answer when it comes to this only… Also kills people).

Demoman: Substance abuse (alcohol, congrats to the original you got one right), probably mommy/daddy issues (his mom seems to be an angry elderly woman, dad is dead so it seems there's something there but that could just be me), believes in monsters/ghosts (i don’t but given how the world of TF2 works this is more a IRL issue), has probably blown himself up at least once (possible that he might blow you up if he's REALLY drunk… Also kills people).

Medic: This man is a walking red flag, made a deal with the devil more than once, stole his pet doves, stole a wedding van, puts animal organs in people, manipulative (mostly seen with the tfc team when he had to manipulate them to put animal organs in them), stole a man's skeleton, medical malpractice, probably not mentally well, will take your organs, and kills people… Probably not all of it either.

Sniper: Can skin any animal or even person flawlessly and tell you how too (creepy, and i don’t want to know), very good stalker and hunter (he does this with you because he wants to surprise you with something you like but conversation is his weak point so this is the next best thing in his mind), Pyro isn’t the only one that’ll bring you animal bones (at least he’s a bit more tactful about it, making it into actual stuff like alligator teeth necklaces, deer antler coat hanger, and snake bone coasters for a few examples), probably doesn’t shower as much as he needs to (at least he brushes his teeth… Also kills people)

Spy: Will eventually leave you like he did all his other partners (which we can see with Scout's mother since he didn’t help raise Scout), is french (must i explain?), secret past (will keep as much of his past a secret as he can but also find out everything about you he can), and he never fully trusts you (he’s a spy, it’s understandable but sad.. Also kills people).

Miss pauling: Does not have time for you (unless you join her on missions but that is a large order), doesn’t fully trust you (this is from vibes), cannot fully devote herself to you or the relationship (her loyalty is to the administrator), can kill you without anyone noticing (its just scary to think about).

Saxton hale!: Can and will fight people for you even if the person just looked at you funny ( the police have been called several times), will fight a hippy just because they are a hippy (He really likes fighting), willingly and knowingly sells weapons to mercs (man can kill and condones it), will jump out of a plane with you… you have no choice.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 scout #tf2 medic #tf2 demoman #tf2 spy #tf2 soilder #tf2 sniper #tf2 engineer #tf2 pyro #tf2 heavy #tf2 miss pauling #tf2 saxton hale

[silvery-orchid]

oh my lord, the reader secretly slipping concoctions and whatnot to prevent their pregnancy with neuvillette… your brain is massive. imagine one of his guards, maybe even Clorinde intercepting your letters with the pharmacist you’ve come to rely on so much with your precious bottle of medicine.

He doesn’t reveal it right away that he knows. Suddenly your much previously prioritized etiquette lessons are being dropped so you can watch your husband judging at trials for hours and hours. No, you absolutely cannot skip out on attending this ball with him and there’s now a issue with your old separate bedroom? Everything becomes suffocating. The servants scurry away from you like a scared flock of hens whenever you try to talk to them. You can’t leave his property without express permission and a dozen guards following you. Under the constant fatigue of the dim lights of the courtroom and endless blind eyes to your pleas for interaction, you find only one person to aid you; neuvillette. he fuels your reliance on him creating a twisted dynamic. you’re so grateful for someone to talk, someone to finally hold that you barely notice the child on its way.

Also FORCED INTIMACY. Making you sit on his lap while does paperwork, always having a hand around your waist at social functions, cradling your belly when you’re showing.

He’s just so UGH

This is us eating that man up. Tw: pregnancy

That was also me reading this entire ask because it is SO delicious yummy yum. Im talking cotton candy levels of sweetness with ideas.

Clorinde either intercepting them or ending up at the same farmacy as the darling where darling freaks out and gives it away unknowingly too would be so fun.

He would absolutely make your circle so small that you are forced to only reach out to him. How terrible it is that your anxiety attacks are caused by the only other person willing to soothe you after them.

But imagine this. He finds out and doesn't let you know. Instead, he bribes the pharmacist to continue giving you the blends and the pills but theyre just vitamins and blends to help you get knocked up instead,,,,poor darling takes them regularly too. Only when their period doesn't come for a while does Neuvillette make a side remark about the pharmacist working for his sake now....,,,poor poor darling id hate to be them in that moment 😥😥.

I hope we get a special seal or crest only he can use in Fontaine cus that makes branding with him open up to new levels.

#asks. #neuvillette #Yandere genshin #yandere neuvillette #genshin neuvillette #He sOOOoo hot #Him and pierro fr fr acting up #Capitano too #Need them all to tilt my head up heheheh #AND DOTTORE.... #Basically if hes blue i want his goo #Im so sorry for saying yhat I AM SORRY

[nerdyvocals]

A continuation of this post, more quotes from me and @look-at-those-niceass-rocks watching Pink Ladies together, this time episodes 4-7 (again shared with permission, and since the cast is in the house, @saveourpinks, please enjoy our unhinged dumbassery):

Principal Nicholson is a fuckin' weenie

(during Sorry to Distract) I am looking respectfully. I am looking SO respectfully. Their husband, distantly: I doubt that Me: *WHEEZE*

(During Carelessly) The true bisexual experience is not knowing which one of them you would rather be making out in the park with. (I am pan but I concur)

(@ Buddy) OH POOR FUCKING BABY, find purpose outside of your socially assigned tasks

Fucking of course his name is Leonard

Them: I would've gone fucking feral for this show in high school. Both of us, in sync: I'm going fucking feral for it now

Me: Anyway, rest in peace Cynthia Zdunowski, you would've loved they/them pronouns Them: *CHOKE*

Wally: I'm kinda hungry Them: Looks like she's kinda thirsty

(About Richie and Jane "needing to talk") That has spiked MY anxiety and I'm not even Jane. I would have been CHASING that little shit down.

(When Vaughn told Lydia to help Cynthia) I want a very sexually charged line reading session between the two of them and if I don't get it I Will Cry-- Levi, I don't like the way you're laughing right now

(Note I couldn't breathe for a Hot Minute, I forgot they somehow hadn't seen any spoilers for this show)

Richie: Jane's my girl, not my boss Them: YOu are wrong, she is both. I've seen the way you look at her I'm not a fuckin' idiot.

Me: Anytime I see Lydia or Cynthia I just embody that one quote- Did you ever watch Boy Meets World? Them: What, no? Me: Hang on, there's a quote from Shawn, I'll find it (Note it took me five minutes to find this clip, 2:00-2:09 if you're curious, but the quote is: Aw to heck with it, marry me! I live in a trailer park and I have no education but my hair does this!)

The entirety of Merely Players consisted of a stream of: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

(@ Mr. Pedo Man) You deserve beige you piece of shit

KEEP EVERY PART OF YOUR BODY AWAY FROM THIS LITERAL CHILD

(After Jane and Richie's fight) Think about the last time a boy gave her his jacket you fucking dipshit, you goddamn weenie.

(Honorable mention: Both of us replying to everything Richie said in that argument with "Yeah, it is about her, it's her life, what's wrong with her wanting an education???")

Me: I love how the most scathing insult you can think of is to call someone a weenie, are you eight? Them: It's fifties appropriate!

Vaughn: You are a revelation! Them: Yeah, she's a revelation to my fucking sexuality

Them: [Husband], they're lesbians! Husband, nowhere near the computer: I know

(Jane got more votes) HEHEHE GET FUCKED

Me: I love how quickly your opinion of this man changed from the first episode, you were ready to simp and now you hate him Them: YEAH BECAUSE i THOUGHT HE WAS NICE I WAS BAMBOOZLED AND I'M MAD ABOUT IT.

Jane and Buddy: *kiss at the end of episode 4* Them: I am going to bite his nose off

Lydia: You swallow your consonants Them: Well you were swallowing her tongue a minute ago, that probably didn't fucking help Me: *choking on drink*

(during Girl's Can't Drive): Mama I'm a Big Girl Now walked so this song could fucking RUN

Them: So when does Hazel get a jacket? Me: I have no idea what you're talking about, shut up

(After me reading them the discrepancies between the amount of Thesbians fics on AO3 to literally anything else) I am addressing this to every single person who writes in this fandom, puh-LEASE seek therapy

Me: *short rant on how I Cannot Resist a Butch in a White Tshirt* Them: I'm just obsessed with [Lydia's] robe, I wanna take it...off. [Husband]: *unintelligible* Them: THE ACTOR IS AN ADULT I CAN FIND THEM ATTRACTIVE

(after I pointed out that Lydia keeps staring out the window at the Frosty Palace like she's waiting for someone) I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE

Me: I have a fic for you Them: if it's more Potato, I'm down

Olivia: *slaps Richie* Them: She could wake me up like that, I wouldn't complain

I would be a 1950s housewife for Potato

Them: I am no longer simping for Richie Me: He's having a hard time right now Them: I know this, and I will resume simping later when he's done being stupid

T-Birds: *having a heart-to-heart* Them: *sniff* They're all coming over to my house and I'm making them soup and bread

Richie: I think I'm in love (one tear catches light) Both of us, Supernatural veterans: ~a single man-tear~ *FIVE MINUTES OF WHEEZING LAUGHTER*

You can find part three here!

#your honor we are unhinged #grease rise of the pink ladies #rise of the pink ladies #save our pinks #save rise of the pink ladies #save rotpl #cynthia zdunowski #thesbians #cynthia x lydia

[d20-brainrot]

get ready for some d20 asks bestie

favourite season

favourite pc

favourite npc

LEAST fav season/pc/npc

a line that you like

a funny bit that makes you laugh

saddest/most heartwrenching moment that makes you sad every time

best character arc in your opinion

which of the newly announced seasons are you most excited for?

who would you like to see on d20 for the first time or to return?

who would you like to see DM on d20?

a mini that you like

a battle set that you like

something you hope comes back for another season

a season you wish people would watch more

ooh i love this!!!

favorite season: definitely starstruck odyssey or neverafter. they are just both so fun, and everyone is having a good time. plus i like a little horror y'know?

fav pc: ylfa!!! she's just like me for real. no but seriously, she is a child growing up into a body she doesn't fully understand, and thinks that how she feels makes her irredeemable. little el is shaking in their boots right now. i also love lapin. he's deadpan but he does the right thing. plus i just loved how zac played him, it was wonderful

fav npc: esther sinclair is my shit!!!! i love her sm, she is a fierce warrior and i love that about her! also AYDA AGUEFORT IS THE BEST!!! just her and fig are adorable, her being besties with adaine, her calling gorgug the finest wizard ever, just beautiful!!

least fav season/pc/npc: i hate biz glitterdew with every ounce of my being. just the "nice guy" energy radiating from him makes me sick. like i had dudes like that interact with me in middle and high school, and they creeped me the fuck out.

a line i like: "i'm the prince of shoeberg, motherfucker!!!" is a great line and it makes me giggle every time i hear it. a very impactful line for me is "you listen to me right here. having panic attacks, that is not a character flaw, do you understand? you are not a coward. you have a goddamn medical condition, all right?" like that makes me want to sob. i watched this season right around the time that i got diagnosed with severe general anxiety and social anxiety, and it hit me that i am not flawed, i just needed some help.

funny bit that makes you laugh: god just the fact that murph cannot for the life of him roll well is hilarious. i also love the hairy baby dance! like the fact that it came back in an adventuring party for starstruck was fucking great.

saddest moment: god when jet is talking to liam and tells him to tell ruby that she did the right thing, and then the light goes out of the locket of the sweetest heart. gut-wrenching dude. or when they're in the nightmare forest, and brennan is talking about how ayda loves fig because she was kind to her, and that she sees her for who she really is. that always makes me tear up dude.

best character arc: dude ragh for sure! like him going from being a bully, to everyone realizing it was because he was getting harassed by his best friend/the guy that he had loved for years? god what a good storyline. or kugrash, sacrificing himself for everyone by eating the bagel?? killer moment.

fav newly announced season: wasn't there one about them blowing up or something? what the actual fuck does that mean mr. mulligan and mr. reich? huh???

who would you like to see on d20 return or for the first time: alex song-xia needs to come back. no ifs, ands, or buts about it! they were wonderful, and i loved how they played conrad. if they don't come back, i will lose my mind.

who would you like to see dm: murph should dm! he's amazing on naddpod (even though i'm only on the very first campaign) and i would love to see his work in the dome. it would be absolutely amazing!!!!

mini you like: preston was so tiny and so cute! i also loved sprinkle, for the same reason. the fact that it literally was just a sprinkle as a mini was great and i loved every second of it

battle set you liked: the battle with the terrible dogfish!! the fact that it came from like the top of the dome????? absolutely astounding. rick perry truly works wonders with minis.

something you hope comes back: ooh, that's a tough one. i did really like the moving part of mentopolis, the little pressure meter thingy. i did also love in acofaf that they got little trinkets! i love a good trinket!!

everyone needs to watch escape from the bloodkeep!!! i love it so so so much, and it has some amazing characters, some amazing minis, great players, and it's dimension 20 history y'all!!

#i love you thank you for this! #bestie lj <3 #asks #dimension 20 #dropout #fantasy high #mentopolis #d20 #dimension 20 neverafter

[obsidiaspell]

Chapter 3: The Bitter Truth

Yes I am continuing this, yes it is because of the one person who liked all my MoL posts. @lady-without-name this is for you

Here we go again, insert meme.

Warding honestly sounds like such an interesting subject, I relate to having a teacher that sucks at teaching though, discrete mathematics my beloved. Syrokian highlands - yes the government wants you to know how to work here, wink wink. Oh what I would not give for just a novel of Zach and Zorian being a part of an expedition meant to establish an outpost in the Northern Forest.

ah once again we are foreshadowing Zach being a time-traveller. You know I remember reading this the first time, I was unfortunately a bit spoiled because it literally said in the description of the book there is a timelooper present. I wonder if I would have figured it out myself.

Yeah he still can't do female voices. I am really dunking on the narrator a lot aren't I? I would switch to just reading it, but and audiobook is so convenient tho.

Zorian searching for a word throuple lmao. At least he knows when to stay in his own lane, I like that about him. "He did nothing to me, I am not going to get him into trouble."

No, he could detect no disapproval in posture, and he was pretty sure she’d be rather annoyed if she sensed his plans. explain to me once again Mister Kazinski how you absolutely cannot be an empath?

You want them to learn 10 dances in one week? I barely learned 10 dances when I had my dancing lessons in several months?

I can relate to not wanting to have a relationship with a classmate because the rest of the class would make it unbearable, god I am remembering high school now. "I am nobody! A third son of a minor merchant family from the middle of nowhere." - muahahaha, oh the sweet power of hindsight

Yeah, Zach is a prime protagonist hero material, but he is gonna need you, isn't he?

OK this right here was a moment Ilsa lost me, I hate, hate I tell you, when a child (he is fifteen, it counts) tells you something is bothering them, they have a problem with something you listen. Even if he didn't have empathy headache and it was just some plain old social anxiety this approach vexes me so much! I get headaches too blah blah blah. Her getting Akoja to go with him, is problematic at best. I know she has a crush, but still if he says he doesn't want a day why force him?

and of course, the wise ones know this is not at all Benisek's fault, but our time traveler pulling the strings

Aah fortov comes on the scene. I am kind of curious how that really went down, you know the whole purple creeper patch thing. But we are about to see Kael, our first time loop ally.

This chapter does a good job of setting up some things for later and how Zorian feels about his place in society and the greater world, as in he does not want the world to care about him at all.

#mother of learning #MoL #MoL_again #zorian kazinski #zach noveda

[deepestuniversallove]

If you cannot accept that I cannot immediately answer messages, or that I sometimes disappear for weeks on end, we cannot really be friends. Because you got to understand, I have anxiety in social situations. I have AVOIDANT personality disorder. I AVOID people, it's in the name!! I am convinced that I am inherently worthless and that my presence is a hindrance to others,and this is why I don't reply so fast and end up ghosting people. I am afraid to hurt them, and then my absence causes that fear to come true, because they take my absence to mean that I hate them, when the opposite is true. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then when they lash out at me and say they don't wanna be friends any more, all it does is lead me to the conclusion that i was right. I am WORTHLESS and a BURDEN, or else I wouldn't have been dropped like a hot potato.

Fuck humans. Fuck human relationships. The only beings who love you without prejudice will always be animals - even the most vicious dogs seem to like me and not judge me. Wild Crows flock to me. Pigeons sit on my shoulder. Rats boggle when I hold them. At least they see me as worthy. At least they don't complain about feeling "attacked" because I chose to self-isolate for a while. While humans always do.

Too many people I considered friends end up dropping me, and you still tell me I am supposed to TRUST? To open myself up for another round of hurt that will come FOR SURE? Fuck that. I'd rather be alone, and kill the last side of me that still yearns for connection with others of my species. No one cares about me, so why should I give a damn? And yet I want to love, and I want to care, and I DO. Even if it seems like I don't because I am gone for a while, I DO. I just have this expectation that even if we are apart for a while, we can still take it up where we left off, you know? I have the expectation that you won't take it as a personal attack when I don't answer for a while. I expect that you won't take my absence as hatred. In my eyes it is love - I spare you having to deal with a burden like me for a while.

The neurotypical people won't understand this at all. And the social media and being connected online 24/7 has made so many people think that you now have to ALWAYS be available. But I can't. I just can't, my personality disorder doesn't allow for that. Leave me alone, I need to be alone, having to reply immediately or you will explode in rage will make me upset.

Or maybe all I find are abusers and people who wanted to use me for my goodwill. I sent them presents. I drew them pictures, taking time i don't have out of the busy day. And what do I get in the end??

"EWW, you are too old for me, you are creepy. You are unhealthily obsessed with fictional characters!"

- YES, maybe I am, but you know WHY? BECAUSE THEY DON'T BREAK MY HEART AND STOMP IT TO THE GROUND. They are the only safe haven for someone who fails at social interactions. And they will STAY the only safe haven for as long as I get rejected over and over again. As long as I keep losing friends, they will be the only constant I have. Can you really blame me for that? All humans have to have SOMETHING to rely on in their core. And the fictional characters, as sad or unhealthy as it may be, are that thing for me. So don't go around and blame me for it or call me cringe. I would have died at age 11 if they weren't there, for I would have had NOTHING. But of course, people who have a loving family, or a normal upbringing can never understand this. They have a support system to rely on, a net to fall into. I only have a bottomless abyss with no net beneath me. If I fall, I'll die.

And you don't understand the agelessness of it all. My body may be 33, but my mind is stuck at a younger age, perpetually. I don't have a clue on how to navigate social relationships. I don't know how adults can do it. No one showed me and thus I never learned. My narcissist mother only taught me that this is a "shark eat shark"-world and I am just a small fish. Even if I have one PhD or a million, that doesn't teach you anything about relationships either. Intellectual pursuits may not make up for the emotional black hole in me. I understand why I do what I do, intellectually, but I am unable to DO something to change it.

"Then just stop being avoidant and get out there!"

- I can't. I want to,but I can't bear even the CHANCE of being rejected again. Of opening myself up only to be discarded like so much trash. Even 10+ years long relationships aren't safe, that is what I experienced. You go through so much together, sacrifice so much of yourself, only to be told "Hahaha, you are so pathetic, to think I have ever loved you." How often can this happen to you before you are entirely jaded? How many times before you say "fuck this shit, I'm out, I won't play a game i cannot win" ??

If you don't want to be my friend any more because you outgrew me, all the more power to you. Congrats, you get to be a neurotypical normie. And maybe it is good you left me behind, the perpetual burden. Go on and thrive and don't look back at me!!

But for me, all I got is myself. And the question:

Who will leave me next?

And

Is just surviving on my own really enough to live?

#AvPD #avoidant personality disorder #avoidant attachment #actually avoidant #relationships

[jbeshir]

On People Who Hate You and Effective Altruism

Something that I learned a while ago providing support for people doing online fiction, was that as soon as your fandom gets reasonably big, people will emerge who want to hurt you. There's something you've written or done they don't like, something in (what they believe to be) your messaging that they wish other people would listen to less, some way that they think you're crap and they have the personality type that finds it intensely frustrating when other people don't agree with them and wants to try to get others to do so. These people are a really small minority, but 0.01% of people is enough for an expected one once you have 10,000 people paying attention to you, an expected ten once you have 100,000 people, and so on.

And they'll be wildly unfair to you, send you abusive things, say things optimised to hurt you emotionally, go around trying to convince other people to hate you too. Sometimes put frankly remarkable amounts of work and time into it. And it's really important that you can disengage with people who want to hurt you, as far as you can.

A norm that people must engage with criticism, a never-shifted heuristic that everyone hates criticism and must continually try to engage more with criticism to try to be less that, a cultural assumption that whenever someone says a criticism isn't well-founded it means they're closed-minded and failing to give it enough charity is, I think, toxic, really psychologically unhealthy, and essentially community-mandated social anxiety. It's important that you're allowed to stop interacting with people being unfair and unpleasant to you, and that it's an allowable thought that they might be being that.

I'm pretty sure this dynamic doesn't actually change when you're a group like EA trying to accomplish good instead of just an artist or author. It now matters that you do engage with reasonable critics- a creator isn't really doing anything wrong if they just ignore all feedback but you can't- but the dynamic that produces people who hate you still exists, it's still very harmful for your wellbeing and functioning to be pressured into always believing they must be in-some-sense-right and you must be in-some-sense-wrong, and it's still very important you're allowed to say "this is wildly unfair, and I don't have to engage with it".

I think people wildly disagree about whether EA has a problem with ignoring critics. I don't personally think it does- "do we pay enough attention to critics" is a recurring topic, and my personal view is that it's rare to see anything even remotely grounded that hasn't been debated to death (e.g. "systemic change" discourse) get ignored in public. I think this post more or less aligns with my experience. But it's very reasonable for people to think this problem does exist and push for more attention to critics in general.

However, I think that some people who think it does, or might, are pressing for the opposite-mistake-to-that. They think the bigger problem is incorrectly ignoring critics, so any time they see someone decling to engage with something, they don't look at whether it's unfair, and mean, and whether that's a reasonable choice. They just jump straight to "that's closed minded and bad for the community".

And I think this, actually, is also a bad thing to do to people. It would still be a bad thing to do even if you were right about the broader trend. Having scrupulosity issues, anxiety, default assumption that anyone saying anything bad about you must be right, should not in fact be a mandatory part of being in EA spaces.

In judging whether something should be virtuously engaged with, whether the good thing to do is to spend your energy on it rather than anything else, you cannot escape actually putting the effort in to judge: Was this critique accurate or not? Was it informed, or uninformed? Was it, if none of those things, at least motivated by a desire to help, or by a desire to make more people hate you because they dislike you for reasons litigated elsewhere? And if it's not, and you try to press people to worry about it more, you're not being the good force for community health you think you are.

#effective altruism

[junebugwriter]

Dysphoria I

I'm still ruminating on the week. It's been a long one.

Came out to my parents, and went in public for the first time as Mae.

My wife joked, "Trans woman goes out to dinner with her wife, nothing happened, news at 11," in an effort to calm me down after having a panic attack, which to her credit, worked like gangbusters (she's fucking funny, y'all have no idea). Because it's true. Nothing happened. We had a lovely dinner. Literally, nobody looked at me weirdly, or even at all.

After it all, I tried my best to see what was going on under the hood. Why was I so anxious, when I should have felt free? I love wearing a dress. I love the wig that I own, it's lovely. But in so many ways, I just... felt wrong. And I realize now, it's the dysphoria talking in my head.

"You're a man in a dress, and everyone knows it."

"Who do you think you're fooling?"

"They're all laughing at you, they're all just too polite to do it to your face."

There's a great post somewhere about this, where basically it boils down to "If you think the only thing stopping you from being a woman is that you think you'll be ugly, you're literally already a woman. That's just the dysphoria talking."

My dysphoria seems to have a fucking megaphone right now. It's wall to wall noise and self-hate. I know what I am. I know I'm a woman. I know I'm not a guy, and I've had 35 years proving that I'm shit at "being a man." It never came easily to me. I was always just... trying. And failing. Because "being a man" simply wasn't me.

And heck. I'm early in my gender discovery. I may go back to simply being nonbinary! I may decide that being a woman isn't quite right either. That's the great thing about the whole journey--finding what works, and what doesn't.

The theme song for my whole transition, thanks to my wife, who sings to me all the time whenever I'm in self-doubt or spiraling with anxiety, is Sheryl Crow:

"If it makes you happy It can't be that bad! If it makes you happy, Then why are you so sad?"

I cannot tell you how much that actually helps me and my dysphoria issues. Because it's not bad! If wearing a dress, putting on makeup, and going by a feminine name makes me happy, it can't be that bad, right? It's just what it takes for me to survive. Understanding that I'm trans is a matter of survival here. Well, kind of, because I was only kind of surviving before hand. Now, I'm not just surviving.

I'm living.

In the darkness and the loneliness of the night, I just have to sit here with that demon dysphoria, and try to drown it out. Do things that make me euphoric. Write blogs on tumblr. Check in with friends on social media. Read comics. Stuff that keeps me sane.

I'm going to get through this. It won't be like this forever. By the end of the month, I'll hopefully be on HRT, or at least on the way to getting it. I'll make progress with my folks about my identity. I'll practice being femme in public more often.

I'm not a guy. I'm a woman who has some stuff to get through to be the person I want to be, and that's okay.

My dysphoria does not define me.

I define me.

#dysphoria #lgbtqia+ #transgender #trans woman #trans pride #blog #gender dysphoria #gender #trans stuff #lgbtq

[i-is-surrounded-by-idjits]

I need advice

So, I work in the UK and a co-worker sat down with me today to discuss my behaviour. They are deaf (using hearing aids) and struggle to hear me / lip-read because I don’t make eye contact, naturally quiet, and unintentionally abrasive. they told me that I seem rude and this has caused them to actively avoid me in person, they are fine with me on the phone because I hold the receiver close so that people can hear me.

However, I am pending an autism assessment as I always struggled with social interaction. I was tested as a toddler and told I was fine, but then female testing has improved since then, and I have now been on a waiting list for just under 2 years (I'm unlikely to be seen in the next 2 years either) because getting diagnosed as an adult is really difficult. They acknowledged that they have noticed that I cannot make eye contact very well, but that doesn't change the fact that they struggle to hear me and I do not engage well when there are multiple conversations around (because I cannot concentrate with all the noise).

I was really upset by this - no one likes being told they are rude when it is utterly unintentional and now my anxiety and depression have kicked in (Why am I weird? What's wrong with me? Do all my co-workers think I'm rude behind my back? Was this why I was fired from my last job? etc). I acknowledge that they decided to come to me as opposed to going to a manager to claim I have been discriminating against them, but I am unsure what more I can do to accommodate them without causing myself more stress and discomfort.

However, my family has hit the roof. They think I should get a new job (stress and customer abuse are high too), but I hate job-hunting and I know this problem will always follow me. My mother has suggested going to HR, but I know they will say my co-worker did the right thing by approaching me (and I do not officially have a disability which puts me at a disadvantage). I don't want the stress of finding a new job, but I also don't want the stress of walking on eggshells every time I act or speak either.

Is it right that someone asks me to adjust my behaviour when I have always worked hard when socialising with others? Am I at fault? Or does my co-worker need to be more accommodating to my limitations?

#autism #deaf #AMTA #help #work issues #Am I The Asshole

[circes-grotto]

i know i'm screaming to the void anyway cause no one's gonna read this, but still, it's the best part of tumblr and i don't care

why is it that when i have two options:

- making an effort to get up early, go to lectures, listen to interesting people talk about fascinating topics, possibly if the social anxiety doesn't make me explode even making friends; or

- staying in bed, contemplating my life and my weakness, browsing tumblr and reading about people who have my same passion doing good things about it, making an actual effort and getting to a point where they can be happy with themselves;

the latter just feels so much better. i don't know what's stopping me, maybe it's that every night i just can't get myself to go to bed early, maybe i'm not hitting the right vibes with professors and colleagues, maybe i feel too bored for lectures anyway. or maybe i'm just constantly scared. how do i turn this off, this irrational fear of the outside world that keeps me bound to this bed.

sometimes it gets to the point i think, maybe i don't wanna do anything about my life. maybe i just wanna stay in bed, contemplating the ceiling until i just stop functioning for good, like an emptied out battery. my brain is just too heavy to be carried around like this. i shouldn't feel like this, but my body is just hating on me in every sense, resisting me. maybe i just don't want to exist.

every time i listen to my voice just, speaking, it feels so ugly and masculine and i think, is this how people hear me; and then i have people telling me my voice is actually quite nice, comforting, feminine even, and i can't believe them. if i look into a mirror for long enough i will find ten or twenty good reasons not to leave the house that day.

it's terrible, i thought transitioning was supposed to make my life easier but sometimes it looks quite the opposite; before i felt like i was in a game i didn't want to play and now i feel like i'm in a game i cannot win, or that i should barely be allowed to play; apparently, people clock me all the time, most of them probably pity me, they look at me and say, "oh, that's a trans, i can spot it from here"; i wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. the other night i was out with a friend, and i had a weird interaction with some strangers that very likely proves so.

i'm also scared of looking "autistic", looking weird in every sense. and i should be proud of it, like, i should just be above all this, but i can't. i wish i could be some eerie quirky genderfuck, to be perceived as unapologetically, shamelessly queer and neurodivergent, but i don't know if i'm strong enough for it. how does one cope with all this shit.

and even going to uni would be so much better if i didn't have to feel so excruciatingly lonely while i do it, but how do you even make friends when the voice keeps telling you that no one would want to be your friend, that they probably see you as an abomination. and sure, it's extremely likely that no one thinks that, but on the other hand, that's what my brain tells me.

i know there's lots of self-hate in this, that it's wrong to feel like this cause it's all some vague internalised ism, but i can't get it out. it doesn't want to get out.

#tw #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #transphobia #ableism #university

[lazylogic]

TL;DR: I’ve let my online art presence and the internet as a whole become so weighty to me that I’m constantly having a meltdown over how the internet has changed and how I present myself online, so I’m cutting myself off from being an artist on the internet, because it seems like the only healthy option for me right now.

I think I need to stop posting online entirely. As drastic and melodramatic as that sounds, I’m spending time on an internet that I hate, wishing for an internet that no longer exists. I’ve repeatedly ~taken breaks from social media to try and detox~, and it does help in the short term, but eventually I just fall back into my “existential art crisis” and become anxious, stressed, and frustrated again, hating myself and hating every choice I’ve made up to this point. I’m happy when I draw at my own pace, but I’m quickly overwhelmed by the “I’m not posting enough so people won’t like me anymore” anxiety I get.

I know I’m like, the only one who feels this way, the only one who cares this much and takes art this seriously that I’ve let it crush me so much. For some reason my art and my ability to draw is so deeply ingrained in my identity and sense of self, and it’s become so monumentally important to me that it’s worn me down this much. But I know I’m not the only artist online who feels pressure to perform every day, who compares themself to others, who feels burnt out every month, and who is constantly fighting with the evolving technology and society that seems to be consistently designed to screw us. I know many have been able to adapt, and have done it smoothly, and I commend them and am incredibly happy for them. I’m proud to have happy and well-adjusted art peers! I can’t do that. I want to put in the effort to adapt, I have to many ideas to share and stories to tell, but I’m just…spent. Every time I try, it takes up all of my very limited energy, and I’m back to hibernation mode again. I am tired. I’m too small, sensitive and self-conscious to simply keep trucking along. My fragility makes every effort so painful. I really cannot do this anymore.

Posting my art online used to be fun. I loved connecting with people over fan art, OCs, gushing with other artists about each other’s creations, and getting love and support from people who found enjoyment in it. I used to get kind asks on Tumblr just complimenting my art or encouraging me when I posted a vent piece. Tumblr especially used to be my chill place. Most of those people, along with that happy and peaceful environment, are gone now. Old Tumblr is dead, old DeviantArt is gone, I feel detached from FA more than I ever have. Everything feels scattered and divided, and people are so jaded, which I really can’t blame anyone for. No matter where I go, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore, and I don’t really want to be anywhere, either. I feel like I don’t even fit in with my own demographic, no matter what I try. I can’t emphasize enough that I’m trying to post for and enjoy an internet and online community that no longer exists. It’s my own fault for living in the past. Everything is far too fleeting now, engagement is king and constant streams of new content, as well as outrage, equals that. Everyone else seems to be able to change so readily with it, and I’m still stuck figuring things out from five years ago. I can’t seem to recognize or understand anyone anymore, either. I can’t keep up, and I don’t want to try to anymore.

I think what I wanted the most for my art was for it to resonate with people. It’s always been my favorite thing to do for fun, and it always made me so happy knowing my art made someone’s day better, even if it was just Hattie being silly or cute fan art. The idea that I could make someone breathe easier because I drew something soft and comforting is incredibly meaningful to me. But my art was always a powerful emotional outlet for me, too. I know my vent art would often dip into edgy territory, especially in my teenage years, and I withdrew from drawing vent art as a whole because I became too self-aware of it and I felt too exposed. But it was real, and it came from a real place and real emotions, and that’s still important to me. I feel emotions very strongly. I wanted to say something and be understood. And I guess that’s what I still want? To be understood, like anyone else would want, I guess.

I don’t even know what I want out of posting online anymore, or why I bother to check it. Every bit of engagement I get feels more empty than rewarding, and that discrepancy keeps growing. I hate it, because I know it’s because my brain has been trained to want more. I hate that I need more and more validation that people care about me via my art, because it used to be purely mine. And I want so much for it to just be mine again. It’s really felt like I’ve been drawing for everyone else for such a long time, and I guess that’s also my own fault. I feel trapped here. I really don’t enjoy drawing anymore, and I never get the urge to like I used to, and I cannot express how much that absolutely guts me. I always say social media is what ruined it for me, but I know that my participation in social media was my own choice, so I know I actually ruined it for myself.

I have a lot of work to do. I need to just get better as a person, fix my mental health, gain any semblance of self-worth so that I’m not breaking down every week over my value as an artist being synonymous with my value as a person (before you wonder, I am working with mental health professionals regularly now). I know I complain a LOT about the internet and how it’s changed, but I need to make it very clear that I don’t meant to put the blame solely on all of that for my mental state. I recognize that I just have a lot of issues and I make things harder for myself all the time. I’m chronically living in the past and unhappy with the present, and that’s 100% a me problem. This is the only move I can think of that will allow me to actually focus on getting my shit together; removing the option of being an online artist altogether. I can’t cheat and peek at Twitter and slowly make my way back after three weeks. While I’m at it, I will probably stop posting everywhere else too (not that I was really posting much anyway). I don’t want to say I’m leaving forever but I will say that I want no more expectations, I’m not gonna be posting anymore, basically until further notice. I have to figure my shit out for real. I’m not sure if this will even work, it might just make things worse for me. But I’m just at a loss and I feel like I need to do something. I don’t know if my absence from online art posting will cause me to miraculously enjoy drawing again and a year from now I’ll have a massive backlog to show everyone, I’ll be fixed and happy…I don’t know. I just know this isn’t for me, not right now.

I feel guilty doing this, because I have people who have been following me and supporting me for well over a decade, and I think you guys deserve better than this. It’s a big part of my motivation for doing this to begin with - I’m kind of ashamed to show myself to these awesome people every day, I feel like I owe everyone more than just my gratitude, but I haven’t been able to deliver consistent art or content in years. I feel like I'm letting so many people down every day, and ultimately I feel the same about leaving. But I need to get better first. I think about everyone all the time and feel so lucky and so stupid. I know it’s dramatic, but to everyone, thank you, and I’m sorry.

For anybody going, “it’s not that deep,” I’ve heard that plenty. This post isn’t for you.

I’m not completely disappearing from the internet. If you want to get into contact with me, you can add me on Discord at RealaChao#7312. I will still accept commissions privately for now, so just reach out to me (I’ll update my commissions Carrd site if I decide to close them). I won’t necessarily be deleting my accounts, but I will be logging out of everything at least and disabling notifications, so please don’t message me on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or anywhere else expecting a reply. You can also email me at [email protected]. Lastly, my main focus these days has been my Neocities, so you’re welcome to check that out (though it's largely a draft right now). It’s not going to be an art site, though, at least not only art. It’s gonna be my quiet home.

I also posted this here. Genuinely, thanks for everything.

#txt #look! lazy is making a big dramatic post again #relentlessly pokes fun at my verbosity #if you do add me: please please be patient with me #socializing is hard #i love you guys <3 #yes i made a brand new discord account for this because i wanna keep my main one private

[incarnateirony]

Lookit patrick scramble to recover this narrative now. Look at him skittering around Profound Bond telling people to Message Me. Nono, he won't say it on main where people can correct them. He corrals people into DM to fill their heads with lies and anxieties.

Patrick, you just saw, actually, what happened. You saw your own plans backfire. Everything you claimed about me being fake just got proven *wrong.* *You* are the irrevocably dumb motherfucker that didn't know what was going on here for the last FIVE YEARS.

But since I know Shatner and Mark P are STILL hate crawling my blog, I wanted to let them know that @/tfw2point0 is a huge factor in this. If you guys wanted that to stay quiet, you probably shouldn't have had him in your SM secretary's ear.

Anyway don't forget to ask Mark Pellegrino, everyone, if he confirms or denies the contents of his late 2017 communications in group chat and 1:1 regarding an attack on Misha's Career by Travis.

Hey!! Mark Pellegrino, Shatner, Travis!! Go thank Patrick. :)

And you know. You can lie to the newbies 1:1 right now. Sure. But eventually, they're gonna hear about TAW. Eventually, they're gonna look it up. Hell, eventually they'll find me there, since I was the one who got his ass blacklisted, and man you worked REAL hard to bring that on Mark P and Shatner today.

So I mean, enjoy having them for a year or two until somebody educates them on history and what new following you're trying to groom up from losing your own realizes you're a lying lech.

Genuinely impressive that in trying to disprove me not only did you prove everything in the attacked masterpost was true but you titanically fucked over Mark Pellegrino. Good work.

Just like I said even. I show up, clear my throat behind my new icon, and Mark yeets. And boy oh boy did he fuckin yeet yesterday. And so did Shatner when he actually got control of his account from his SM manager again. Mark's braindamaged heckle was under the association I was gone. Cuz you know what? He HAD been talked to about that. He just didn't know my new twitter. Like I said. In my fucking post. But the second he did boy did he teleport, didn't he.

Like damn I don't like Mark either but I kept it mostly quiet beyond the Mark P B GoN joke and damn you stupid motherfuckers ran right to Shatner's socials thinking you had something to drag on main and all you guys got was a lost job, and two VERY pissed off worried actors you just blew up.

If you had been TRYING to hurt Mark P and Shatner I'd be like GOOD ON YOU BOI but no you thought you were doing some shit here with me and realized you're 5 years behind on who's legally entangled with the SPN crew.

GOOD WORK. YOU'RE AN IDIOT THROUGH AND THROUGH.

Once again I'm left cycling on "what a dumb bastard." dude literally directly verified two things in the post he was trying to counter. The ones on video he can't counter. What, on god's green earth, does he believe he can disprove about me at this point

sending the jared stans to defend a jared hater that attacked him professionally calling him an abusive druggie and alcoholic on main to his fans and shit during all this-- because you don't like my factual coverage of things like ratings-- truly. Magnificent dumbfuckery.

Cannot. Believe. This dude. Literally verified I'm legit. By trying to shit his pants. Because he didn't get the last FIVE FUCKING YEARS OF EVENTS WITH THE CAST AND CREW.

Five years. Let me emphasize the capital level of OBLIVIOUS NOBODY you are that you JUST NOW FIGURED OUT I was at the core of blacklisttaw when I started the trend, you NEVER tapped the brake to think what that fucking entails, and you NEVER stopped running your mouth long enough to make sure you weren't defending rape apologists.

GREAT JOB

FIVE FUCKING YEARS DUDE. I CAN'T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. YOU'VE BEEN A CLUELESS FUCKING KNOB FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS

HOPE STANNING THEM RAPISTS WAS WORTH IT TO YOU.

[aliendragondreaming]

NEXT GEN OC STUFF

Cause I have had these guys rattling around in my skull for longer and they're are more properly fleshed out now

Junebug

-she's like super crafty almost all her clothes have some sort of handmade additions to them (only exception is her loungewear)

-will do anything for money

-doesn't really mind being compared to Mayday, she thinks it's a complement

-does basically all the album art for their band (still unsure if I like the name Triple Trouble or not)

-her favorite medium is acrylic but she usually opts for her hands rather than a brush

-plays keytar

-Mayday was not happy when Junebug had more interest in piano than guitar (she eventually came around once Junebug started playing keytar)

-hates using her mind powers as they give her a headache (this is mostly because she's out of practice cause SOMEONE didn't listen to her mom)

-can and will cheat at anything, games, slot machines, cards you name it

-"he asked for no pickles"

Beat

-technically speaking he's a clone of Zuke with some scrambled DNA so he wouldn't look exactly like Zuke and had robotic parts placed in areas that bone failed to grow in

-Because of the fact he's technically a clone he struggles a lot with his identity, afraid all people are going to see him as just Zuke's replacement

-prone to panic attacks especially if he's overstimulated

-shark special interest <3

-plays drums

-cannot sing to save his life, so instead Junebug usually remixes his vocals to sound super distorted for background noises

-struggles with social situations

-still not really sure if he wants to be a rockstar

-cannot keep calm in aquariums (he's too excited)

-does not like dolphins ("way too smart than any animal has any right to be")

-wants a tongue piercing (his dads keep telling him no)

-inherited Zuke and West's shadow magic, his shadow animal is a shark (of course)

-he mostly uses it as a scare tactic as he has no idea how to fight with it

Crystal

-desperately tries to be the voice of reason between June's impulsiveness and Beat's anxiety

-moved from the countryside where her mom lives to live with her uncle in Vinyl City as she wanted to be a musician

-finds her uncle weird/pos

-Bunkbed Junction super fan (they're her biggest inspiration)

-smokes sometimes

-plays bass

-dropped out of highschool and was forced to do homeschool by her mom (so she still got that highschool diploma babey)

-because of that she doesn't really know how to act around people her age

-girlie is TIRED

-knows proper self defense and will use it against you (never leaves home without her brass knuckles)

-has telekinesis but doesn't use it very often

-has no idea who her dad is (I will not be telling you :3)

-not up to date with the trends or slang (Beat and Junebug legit had to explain what Bozo meant to her)

-trying to find a job

#the blorbos.... #nsr #no straight roads #next gen #nsr beat #nsr junebug #nsr crystal #oh god he’s talking #nsr ocs

[lacrimosathedark]

I’m just thinking about this right now because I’m seeing Undertale and Deltarune on my dash but like

As a teen I was (gasp) a filthy Homestuck fan. And all the pathetic shit that came with it. I loved the Striders and Karkat and Nepeta. I loved the weird and random and crazy storytelling and the simple replicable art style.

Most of all, though, I loved the music.

Weird part to like about it I guess, but gosh is Homestuck’s music awesome. I’m the type of person who needs background noise at All Times, and at one point that led me to listening to Homestuck’s soundtracks as I did chores.

I’d notice, “Huh. This ‘toby “Radiation” fox’ dude shows up a lot.” And that apparently stuck with me. Because when I heard there was a game coming out with music by toby fox, and the game itself made by him too? I immediately needed to see this game.

To say Undertale is important to me is a major fucking understatement. I love all of the characters. All of them. The music is, of course, absolutely gorgeous. The game is both hilarious and heartwarming.

And this was my first game with a nonbinary protagonist. Or any other nonbinary character (which there are a few others). This was when I was just figuring out that I was nonbinary (you can imagine how I flipped when I found out ‘there’s a word for that feeling!?’) and my character(s) and other characters being referred to as they and them with absolutely no fanfare...it meant a lot.

And the characters? I really can’t talk about how much I love them. Toriel is my mom in my heart. I have made her Butterscotch Cinnamon Pie and it makes me so happy. Napstablook is just the friggin cutest and their shy awkwardness was so relatable I love them. Sans and Papyrus can always make me laugh. Sans got my lore-brain spinning and Papyrus was always there and always supportive. Monster Kid is the most precious little doof and they deserve the world. Undyne is a fucking badass and when she realizes you aren’t awful she is just the most fun to be around. Temmie is great (and also check her animations out on Youtube she’s so frickin cute and amazingly talented just do yourself that favor) and the music reminds me of Rugrats for some reason. Alphys is a fucking weeb with social anxiety and boy do I ever relate to that. Muffet has the coolest design and one of the more challenging and fun battles and she’s just so gorgeous to my love of the gothic lolita aesthetic. Mettaton is a fucking romp. That reveal of the EX form is magnificent. Asgore--I admit I’m not the biggest fan of him, but I always felt bad for him. He was a good guy trying to do what’s right for his people and it was hard and it hurts that you have to fight him (also that was a fucking twist gotdam).

And Asriel...my frickin baby. He is my brother and I love him. I just want to give him hugs and snuggles and pet his head and make everything better and just ow my heart.

This man, this dog, made a whole-ass game. Not alone, but like, he did so much of it.

And he just keeps frickin going.

When Deltarune came out as a “Survey Program” I downloaded it and was blown away. I cannot tell you how much I loved it. I fell in love with Seam and I listened to The World Revolving and every possible remix on loop.

(Unfortunately I haven’t played Chapter 2 yet because right after I got Chapter 1, my computer died!

and the executive dysfunction didn’t help either. But I’ll get to it I swear)

AND THEN

So I hate SWSH for a number of reasons, (*coughdexcough*) but Pokemon has always been part of my life. And while not the best song in the soundtrack (which is Battle! Gym Leader and you can fight me on that) his contribution, the Battle Tower Battle Theme, is a bop and I love it.

AND THEN A-FUCKING-GAIN

I legitimately CANNOT WAIT for Pokemon Scarlet and Violet and to have toby’s music in my ear while my Fidough wrecks everyone with it’s Flower Power.

And then on top of this, this fucker plays into the meme culture because of course he does

SERIOUSLY

(in case the first pic is hard to read)

But just...idk man

He just keeps amazing me and every time I think about it I’m just...blown away.

I trust the dog.

I can’t wait to see all the things he’s still going to do.

#toby fox appreciation post #toby fox #Annoying Dog #Homestuck #Undertale #Deltarune #Pokemon #Pokemon SWSH #Pokemon ScarVi #tumblr sexyman