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discoclubofvenus · 4 years

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Kissing headcanons w/Hinawa, Victor, & Maki

Warnings: nothing short of a little cussing

Genre: Fluff

Gender: Neutral

A/N: I may or may not have enjoyed writing these a bit TOO much! Nonetheless I hope you enjoy these headcanons!

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TAKEHISA HINAWA:

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Hinawa is the type to have those kisses that leave your mind blank, heart fluttering, and lungs breathless

Each time he kisses you, he’ll wrap his arms around your whole body and hold you so close to his body that you’ll be able to feel his heartbeat (or at least that’s the sentiment behind him holding you so tightly) then he goes in for the kill

He also knows that his kisses will leave you weak in the knees so that’s why he holds you like that lol

What makes these kisses so effective in ko’ing you in (1) move is the fact that he chooses the times you’d least expect these types of kisses!

It could be when he’s going to separate from you before going to fight fires (which he kisses you like it’s the last time he’ll see your beautiful face)

It could be whenever you’re fresh out of the shower, or right before training

Or when you’re in the middle of rambling about your day

Like I know this man keeps his lips moisturized so expect to taste a little mint on his lips

This lowkey surprised you whenever you had first kissed him (you expected them to be a lil chapped lol)

You had known Hinawa for years of working in the military and specialized force together. From co-workers to comrades to ending up as lovers (although he did reject you a few times). It was all worth the hurt and pinning as you had finally gotten together with Hinawa (once he mustered the courage to finally ask you out after rejecting you). To say you were shocked that day was an understatement but we’ll save that story for another time. Now, you were happy to be with the man but….you guys had yet to kiss and you guys were 4 months deep in the relationship (granted you still kept to your duties).

This was something you were determined to change, so while you guys were cooking for the brigade you decided to lean over and give his cheek a little smooch. Ya know, as a job well done! However, Hinawa turned to talk to you and was met with your lips (homebody was pleasantly surprised). He pulled away after like 10 seconds tho lol

He hit you with a “This is inappropriate workplace behavior.” and walked away, but then came back and gave you a kiss on the corner of your lips (what a bastard)

He won’t be up for smooches in the workplace unless you’re either about to separate for the night or he’s completed a day’s work early (But everyone has to be asleep or away from the station!)

You could probably sneak a kiss in while you guys are cooking for the rest of the brigade

Or anytime you guys are alone, although he will tease you by acting oblivious to your advances (inappropriate behavior headass)

KISS THE BACK OF HIS SHOULDER AND HIS EARS AND HIS FOREHEAD

Just to show that every part of him is appreciated and that you��re behind him every step of the way

Did I mention that even his pecks will leave your heart flipping as if it’s competing for Gold in the gymnastics Olympics? No? Well you’re gonna hear about it

He pecks to show you a little appreciation

Think of his pecks like little hearts!

If you’re ticklish, his pecks will definitely have you giggling a little

His kisses are smooth like whiskey in a way that he goes straight for the kill and you can still feel his lips on yours a while after kissing him

It would be up to you if it’s a delicate little kiss or a rough passionate makeout session

His favorite place to kiss you is the corner of your lips, your collarbone, and the palm of your hands, (you cannot tell me otherwise!)

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VICTOR LICHT

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SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN SOME VASELINE BC HIS SHIT IS C H A P P E D

He’s a mad scientist who only takes care of his BASIC hygiene

The type to always playfully back away whenever you try to kiss him then when you get annoyed he’ll give you smooches

“What?? Is that all you wanted (n/n)? All you had to was say so! Now look at you, all mad with no kisses”

Take away his kisses since he got a slick ass mouth

He’ll literally tail you with a list of excuses as to why he needs your kisses to get a proper hypothesis done and conduct thorough research and then he needs them as motivation to go test his theories

Like aight, damn here are your kisses you big goof

I’m not saying you should run your hands through his hair when you kiss him but that’s exactly what I’m saying

In fact, kiss his throat to let him know that he’s always welcome to speak his mind but then kiss his lips so you can shut him up

He’ll kiss your hands (as dramatically as possible), then he’ll pull you in...wrap an arm around your waist….and kiss you.

He’ll flick your forehead after kissing you as well

Another way he likes to kiss you is by keeping both hands in his pocket and leaning over to kiss you (mans be tall)

Or when you’re sitting in his lap as he rants about his research

This man loves some tongue action

Like you could give him a peck but he’ll whine about you ‘not kissing him right’ then pull you in for a makeout session

Occasionally you’ll feel him put his hand on your cheek….or the other cheeks

He’ll grab said cheeks too if the kiss gets heated

Like that’s y’all’s first kiss went lol

Observing Victor in his natural habitat of an organized mess filled with nothing but notes from his research always amused you. It was the only place you could see the brunette become so excited and display such passion towards his goal. You usually just examined him from afar, but today was different. Today he was actively discussing his research with you and the results he got from it. No longer were you in the background, this time you were at the forefront. Which incidentally was how you occupied his thoughts. It didn’t take too long (but it certainly took a while) for the both of you to connect the dots to a complicated puzzle that was related to his goal. “Do you know what this means (f/n)?” “I do, but I’m going to play dumb so I can listen to you explain it with that sexy brain of yours” and right after those words left your lips they were swallowed up by Victor’s lips. A kiss so fiery and intense had you wishing to be burned.

Victor will 100% kiss you after getting satisfactory results from either seeing his theories be correct or he finds new clues

He gets handsy with these kisses

AND HE DOESN’T CARE WHERE YOU GUYS ARE HE’S SMOOCHIN

You guys have kissed in the shower (y’all know he be thinkin HEAVY in the shower)

Depending on his mood you’ll get fiery kisses that make you think he is an ability user but for the most part, his kisses are pretty lazy

He adores lazy mornings where he can wake up to you kissing him all over his face (those feathery light kisses)

He’ll also tug on your bottom lip after a kiss and then complain about how he’s oh so hungry (take it as you will)

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MAKI OZE

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Flustered baby is flustered

Anytime you lean in to give her a smooch she gets so red (omg please call her your little strawberry)

Surprise kisses will fluster her to no end!!

She’s always so hesitant to kiss you because she doesn’t wanna mess it up

Nevertheless, her kisses are filled with nothing but adoration and love

Once she gets into the kiss is whenever she gets bolder

After you guys are finished kissing she’ll hide her face in your chest and let out the cutest little whine

This is completely different from when she gets huffy or full of passion

Expect these kisses after fighting a fire, when she’s finished training, after dinner with her family, when she gets jealous, when she gets the hang of controlling her little fire sprites..

She’ll even try to surprise kiss you! (She’ll still get shy riiiight before kissing you)

Did I mention she loves kissing you? Well, she does!

Her favorite places to smooch you are definitely your neck and cheeks (That way she can easily hide her face)

YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO KISS HER CHEEKS AND HER NOSE (I made the rules and you have to follow them, you’re on my blog!!)

She’s the type to kiss your fingertips during a moment of high intensity and she doesn’t know if you guys will make it out alive. Moreover, when she can’t properly convey all of her emotions so she kisses your fingertips while closing her eyes in a moment of serenity then she looks into your eyes with such intensity and--

Thankfully your first kiss together wasn’t during such a life-threatening moment but it was definitely after training the rugra--I mean Shinra and Authur

Walking through the fire station always calmed you down, however, your mind was all over the place with worry! You couldn’t seem to find Maki, despite texting and calling her phone. You knew she had to be at the fire station or else she would’ve been with you celebrating your 2 months anniversary! Hearing the sounds of your girlfriend shouting and the grunts of pain following after gave you your answer. Well--at least you were right in some aspects. Walking towards the noise, you were met with Maki standing over the two newbies. Seeing her in all her glory made your heart go into palpitations. Once Maki noticed you she started making her way to you with a loving glow in her eyes. “Oh! (F/N)! What are you doing here?” you didn’t even have it in you to answer her as you leaped into her arms. Giving a quick peck to her cheek then one on her lips you huffed in satisfaction at her expression “Happy 2 months silly!”

Safe to say you guys had a lovely day and she kept asking for kisses

Her lips always taste like some sort of fruit from her chapstick

She also likes kissing your cheek while you guys swing your hands back and forth

When baby is upset give her some forehead kisses (It’ll help her calm down)

She likes to have her kisses be short and sweet but sometimes she’ll let her lips ghost over yours after a makeout session (what a tease)

#fire force imagines #fire force imagine #fire force fanfiction #maki oze imagine #fire force hinawa #hinawa imagine #victor licht imagine #fire force victor #fire force x reader #fire force x you #Hinawa x reader #Viktor licht x reader #Maki oze x reader #Takehisa hinawa x reader

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dekuinthelake · 5 years

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Why I’m okay with people knowing I’m transgender

Firstly, I want to start off by saying that if you’re trans and for your own comfort and safety you don’t want to be “outed” that’s 100% understandable and you should not feel bad about that. We all need to move at our own pace when discovering our social limits and confidence. My journey will have not been the same as yours. I live in Colorado, a state that is fairly trans friendly and am a trans man, meaning I’ve most likely had a safer time than I might have elsewhere. Trans women have it especially difficult, and if you feel unsafe in a situation that’s up for you to gage. It doesn’t make you less valid or a coward or anything like that.

Just know that I’m writing this for you and other trans/nb folks. I want our choices to transition to feel like the right one, even when people who don’t understand are making you second guess.

Context:

From the time I was 16-23, I was immensely depressed. I dropped out of highschool because of an immense disillusionment for the future. Primarily, I believed I didn’t have one. I’d always been bad at school, so collage was out of the question. I thought I was too ugly to get married and so that traditional Mormon thing my mother specifically had impressed upon me, which was having kids obviously. Most people disliked me because at the time, I had an extremely aggressive and compulsive attitude thanks to being absolutely lost emotionally. I hated my body and my mind and was convinced the things I despised could never change.

Ironically, one of the thorns in my side was how I always wanted to be a man instead. I recall coming home from school some days and just curling up in bed and sobbing about it.

“If I was a boy, people wouldn’t make fun of my ugly ass body.” Something I felt primarily about my chest. Once I strangled a kid for pointing out my bra strap through a white shirt. No joke. I was volatile and pissed all the time because of dysphoria. Comments about being feminine quite literally triggered me growing up. Every violent fight I remember growing up was caused by someone making fun of me in relation to female gender.

Despite this problem being so obvious, my religious parents took me to Mormon operated therapy. The suggestions I was given by councilors was typically “Have you tried praying about it?” Or “Are you going to Young Women’s every Sunday?” For those of you who don’t know, in the LDS church, they separate Sunday school for age groups based on gender. In particular, they forced all girls to wear dresses.

Having that identity forced on me every Sunday against my will from a very young age caused me to resist in aggressive attitude. Hit a kid in the face with my bible bag once for telling me I should be in the kitchen.

Another unfortunate side effect of the Mormon upbringing was literally not knowing that trans people even existed. I recall seeing trans people (like with waiter we had once) and being a little perplexed but not too bothered. But no one had ever explained the concept to me until much, much later.

After I had dropped out, a friend of mine came out and at the time the concept was alien. I’d spent so much time in my life trying to choke down any hope of being a guy because of religion it seemed impossible to even change genders. But then a mutual friend between me and my trans one (who is now my roommate) explained to me in a car ride I still remember vividly about what testosterone does to your body. Bit of a side note, but the ‘micro phalus’ thing was something I straight didn’t believe and OH BOY LMAOOOO.

Anyway, with that information now tumbling around on my mind... I accepted my friend and continued to ignore my obvious feelings!

Life marched on. I sunk in to gaming addiction, depression, and repression. I think I first tried to kill my self when I was 20 years old. I had quit my job thanks to a car crash I got in to and sunk in to doing absolutely nothing but playing MMOs for months. Eventually I just convinced myself there was no possible way my life could anything meaningful or productive. I had a fairly unhelpful stay in a mental hospital. I got out, got a job at the Denver zoo as a janitor.

I coasted for a few years there. That job taught me a lot. People skills, how to work hard, how to care about the future... And one of my coworkers was a trans man. We didn’t talk much about his transition. Mostly we just talked about cool things at work and how shitty customers were.

I think that kind of interaction was so important to me. To everyone, him being trans was just natural. No one cared and he seemed pretty happy.

With that information I started to do a bit of research on my own. I’m not sure how many months of consideration I had before coming out subtly to my current roommate in a car.

At the time, pondering coming out to everyone around me and having to confront my body every day in mirrors I cleaned for a living became a sort of hell. I worked the 4am shift and had no one to talk to for the entire duration of my work day, leaving me with lots of time to watch videos and think. I mean I mentally battled myself to the point I was in a lot of pain. So I started taking pain killers, mood stabilizers, drinking, and smoking weed in excess. Since I worked in the dark alone, no one would know how fucked up I was. The primary wrench in me finally accepting my own needs was again that feeling of hopelessness. The process of transition seemed so intimidating. It’s expensive. It will take effort. What if I fuck this or that up?

Early 2017, I tried to kill myself again after months of tormenting myself. I remember when they put me in the ICU and asked for my name, I told them Mike instead of my now dead name. The nurses asked if I had a pronoun preference and I just couldn’t say anything at all. But the chart whiteboad hanging on the wall in front of my bed said “Mike’s”. Everyone who came to visit me saw this. In a way, I had forced myself to come out. My stay in the mental hospital provided the same information as the last, but this time I was more ready to accept it.

One of the exercises we did was write plans for the future. Before, I had left it blank. But this time? I had goals. One of them was to come out officially in a far less destructive fashion. My dad seemed to accept it but not fully support. Due to family tensions that were somewhat unrelated to coming out, I ended up moving out in Late September 2018.

Soon everyone in my personal life knew. I got laid off with my entire department at the zoo. I remember coming out to some of my coworkers based on how religious they were the last day. My next job, I introduced myself as Mike and even got a name tag.

At the end of 2018 I started on hormones after a battle to get ahold of a doctor. Since then, I’ve been a lot happier.

I’ve lost over 100lbs and started working out.

I’m currently working the highest paying job I’ve ever had.

I’m living in an apartment with people I really care about.

The people I keep around me accept my pronouns and are proud of me coming out.

I’ve grown a mustache I love so much I can’t bare to shave it.

The power of self actualization

In every respect, coming out and presenting myself in exactly the way I want to has improved my life. For me that included medically transitioning. It’s like I finally have something to look forward to. All the little changes make me excited and more confident in what I like every day.

Even minor things like clothing are now these exciting vehicles of self expression. I never used to buy things I liked since my parents controlled what I was and was not aloud to wear. And even when I got my own money, those standards forced upon me by Mormonism held me back. Every pay check has more meaning when I’m replacing the old life that I hated so much. I seriously love this tiger shirt I got.

I’m proud to tell people I’m trans because finally admitting to myself has improved my life and mental health and unimaginable degree. I went from wanting to die basically at all times to having excitement for what comes next. I’m enjoying activities that I never would have before. Going to gay bars and dancing has been so enriching for me and I absolutely never would have done that before when I was all angry and bristly.

Being trans can be such a possitive experience. It’s freedom. It’s being able to live your life comfortably.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t understand or don’t want to because of their upbringing... and if you are one of those people who managed to read all this, please know they if you’re anti-trans, you’re anti-freedom of expression, anti-mental health, and anti-social.

Coming out was like removing a clog from my life. I’ve FINALLY been able to start living. And that’s something I want people to know about me. I felt dead before I changed my name and pronouns.

By the way. I’m Mike. He/him. 25. And I’m not going to try and kill my self ever again because I’m enjoying my big trans life.👌

#long post #trans #transgender #pride #trans pride #guess this is my new years post #HAPPY NEW YEARS

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secretariatess · 4 years

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God is not a male.

Before I can go any farther, I know that I have to first address the arguments that are certainly coming to people’s heads. I am not advocating that God should be called a female, be referenced by female pronouns, or be called the Mother. But being called the Father and using male pronouns are not actually establishments of Him being male. The Bible claims that God is Spirit. As a Spirit, He does not have a body to claim as either male or female. I’m not looking to uproot the uses of these words. But God is not male.

God created man in His image. This is not “man” as in the male gender, but rather “man” as in humankind. God created man, male and female, in His own image. While we hopefully understand that this means both genders are of His image and were lovingly created by Him, I think we should consider the other side of what that means. Just as God has qualities we recognize as male, He also has female qualities.

I feel like this is important to point out because we can get lost in the “God the Father” and using “He” as pronouns, which then becomes difficult to relate Him to the female gender. I’m concerned about the attitude it then generates. And the things it can justify.

This topic came about because of two reasons. Firstly, it came about because of a long internal struggle with myself about the value of being a woman when the Bible and even the Church seems to so heavily favor the value of men. Secondly, earlier this week a small, seemingly insignificant event brought around a revelation of a reaction God Himself might have, just as I had. Specifically, a reaction typically female.

Now I know that many would probably have words of encouragement regarding my struggle. I know that many would point me to all the wonderful stories of the Biblical and Godfearing women. Or talk about the wonders of motherhood and the blessings God bestows on mothers. I also know that the doctrine of my own denomination is rather egalitarian despite the controversy, and I know the context and meaning behind many texts in the Bible regarding women than probably better than most Christians. (I’m not saying that as “Look at how awesome I am,” but rather an acknowledgement that not everyone has such a deeply Biblically literate mother who also knows Biblical Hebrew and Greek. It’s Mother’s Day, so I’m not going to apologize for bragging about my mom.) And it’s not that I didn’t know that women were valued by God. Rather, the struggle was trying to see the value of a woman outside of a marriage and motherhood, especially compared to a man, and especially when God was so celebrated in His masculinity. In fact, it seemed that His more feminine qualities were praised as Him just being a good father. To say that He is also a mother is offensive, and sometimes can get you called heretical.

And in that struggle, I could see why there are those who would insist on calling God a female in some way. Again, not that I agree with it, but I could see it. Here we are, being told that everyone is created in God’s image, but where is woman in God’s image? How can a woman relate to Him when everything is an indication that He is male? What encouragement is there in being a woman when the consideration of God having female qualities or even genderless in some cases is offensive? Instead of getting upset and righteously angered at those who want to refer to God as female, I felt actually compassionate. It’s hard, and can hurt. And it’s a struggle I wouldn’t wish on any others. For the women who don’t think so much on it or are comfortable where they are, my goal isn’t to stir up some revolution or demand for action.

The insistence of viewing God as male or mostly male is a human thing, however, and a result of a broken world. See, there are even instances in the Bible where God relates Himself to a mother. In Isaiah 66:13, He relates Himself to a mother comforting her child. In Luke 13:34, Jesus relates His longing to gather Jerusalem’s children together like that of a hen’s. The nature of mothers didn’t come from the fact that children needed it, but rather because it was in fact a nature of God Himself. And while the comparisons are of mothers, you can find many women with those mothering instincts even though they don’t have children of their own. How else does God relate to a woman? When God calls her a “helper” in Genesis, the word is also something He uses for Himself.

Comforter. Nurturer. Helper. Honestly, the part of the Trinity that comes to mind when hearing those words related to God is that of the Holy Spirit.

Originally writing this out I had planned on pulling out Biblical passages where God acts more as a mother would, or more feminine. Possibly because I wanted to show more Biblical proof for my point. However, this felt like it should be more of a personal testimony.

My struggle with the whole issue has been mostly resolved, with what’s left being final acceptance. But what sparked the topic in my mind most recently was the event I mentioned earlier. My friends and I had gone for a walk down a trail here in my hometown. After our walk we settled on a bench at the start of the trail and watched people go on and off the trail as we talked about various things. One sight we witnessed was of a father hugging his young daughter after she fell down and cried. The sight elicited the same reaction in all of us: Awwwwww. It warmed us to see a father caring so much about his daughter. What I realized was that this was typically a female response, seeing that kind of thing. Not that men couldn’t find it cute, but consider that a common thing women find attractive is a guy being a dad. Stereotyping? Yes. But it is one for good reason.

What does this have to do with God? While many can see the comparison of God in the father hugging his daughter, it occurred to me that one could also be made with the reaction my friends and I had. That He would look on the pair and have a reaction like ours at seeing a father being a father. Those feminine aspects that women experience- they are not aspects known only to them. Those aspects are part of God’s nature.

Sometimes in the church, even with words of “It’s okay to be feminine,” it can feel upsetting or on the outs when seeing God referred to so much as a male. You can know that God made women equal or the Bible stands out against its culture when talking about women, yet still feel not as important as a man, or not finding the relation to God as easily. Maybe we try to brush it aside because that’s not what our focus should be on. But the reality is that it’s there and that it does affect some of the sisters in Christ. It can’t always just be resolved with, “That’s not the important thing.”

Sometimes we need to take a moment to remember that we’re not just daughters of God. We were created in His image as well. Our feminine traits are not separate from God. They weren’t created to complement men’s. We have them because, once again, we were created in God’s image.

This isn’t to say guys can’t have feminine qualities, or women masculine ones. This is a recognition that the qualities –not vices- of both genders can be found in God. That it is not unbiblical to find God with feminine qualities, nor should it be offensive to say that He does.

Mother’s Day is a day we celebrate mothers, or women who have been a mother in some way to us or others. Many churches celebrate motherhood. But in our celebration, I think we need to also pause and celebrate where the nature of mothers came from.

For those who cannot relate to what I’m talking about and/or find it offensive that I would claim a more feminine side of God, I would ask why? Not that I want the answer, but perhaps more of a question to ask yourself. Why is it so offensive for God to be relatable to women?

#christianity

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elizabethmunozbh · 4 years

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direquail · 5 years

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An NB reading of Grace in Terminator: Dark Fate

Disclaimer:

Before I start, just want to get this out here: I’m in no way insisting that Grace *has* to be non-binary, that we’re *supposed* to read her as non-binary, or that that’s in any way what she’s “meant to be”. This is just some stuff I’ve noticed that, as someone who sits on the genderqueer/non-binary/transmasc side of things, really resonated with me. Again--read her as entirely woman-identified if that’s what you want to do or feels right to you. I am ecstatic that lesbians and wlw-identified folks have someone that they feel represented in, too. I wish I’d had more characters like her when I was growing up and felt so out of place because of my gender non-conformity.  

But I, for one, would love a non-binary or even trans reading of Grace.

So what I’d like to do instead is just lay out a couple ways someone who is NB-identified *might* connect with Grace as a nonbinary character. Starting with the obvious.

Androgyny Now, I do want to be clear that I know that gender presentation =\= gender identity. And again, obviously, people will latch onto things that they relate to in characters, and I really do believe that there’s no “one right way” to read a character. The character of Grace isn’t a real person; she’s part of a story, told by people, who had something specific to say, and her character reflects that. But from the perspective of the people who watch her, who internalize and connect with her character, there can be points of connection that have nothing to do with the author’s/creator’s intent, and so, Grace-the-character can be many things to many people. The only real way to know how a person IDs is to ask them. That’s it, that’s all. You can’t assume. But also, sometimes, people do “ping” a certain way. They give off a sort of “energy”, and for me, Grace’s energy isn’t the sort of “diaphanous femininity” that even visibly-gender-nonconforming AFAB characters are often framed to exude. Grace’s energy isn’t masculine, either. Her mannerisms don’t seem intended to read that way; rather, they seem intended to read as soldier. I’m not very skilled at breaking down movements, especially when it comes to how actors move and what it all means. It’s totally possible that a lot of what’s unique about how Grace moves is because Mackenzie Davis is, self-admittedly, not the most athletically-inclined person. Grace is long-limbed and rangy and sometimes very stiff/poised, but never stiff through the hips like a Straight Dude(TM), or heavy through the shoulders like a musclebound meathead. She takes up space, too; she’s taller than Dani and Sarah both, and the only recurring characters who are “bigger” than her throughout most of the film are Carl and the Rev-9.

To be clear: Women can be tall, and rangy, and androgynous, and take up space, and that doesn’t make them less women--unless they don’t identify that way. My point with all of the above is just observing that Grace doesn’t move like a “male action hero”—but she also doesn’t seem over-the-top feminine in the way that mainstream-y media will “compensate” for perceived unfemininity, and that’s kind of wonderful. Her stature, her physique, all of that, seem to be chosen and calibrated towards an end goal that isn’t gendered: Combat, efficacy as a warrior. Whether you want to read her as a woman or as nonbinary is largely going to be about your personal preference. This also has the effect of giving the impression that Grace is absolutely unselfconscious about her body and how it looks—and she has no reason to be, not because she looks good or bad, but because what she can do with her body is just so vastly more important, and because she’s so willing to put her body and everything it can do on the line in order to fulfill her mission (and protect Dani). If Grace has a gender, it’d be “Protector” or “Warrior”. And in a way, what makes Grace so appealing to female-identified lesbians is the same thing that makes her appealing to NB people—Her character was explicitly designed not to cater to “the male gaze”, and therefore, she also exists outside the typical gendered confines reserved for “female characters” in media. The emphasis is just slightly different: Instead of a different way of being female, NB!Grace has little to no use for those categories at all. Again, it’s all in how you want to read her. Grace comes from a future where survival and fighting take first priority, and you could project the same tired “Gender isn’t a ~problem~ in the future/after the world ends” approach that a lot of cis and hetero men take to sci-fi--but also, why? It’s tired. Give me a Grace who is preoccupied with survival, yes, who maybe doesn’t have time to think too much about this gender shit--but also, a Grace who finds that this “androgyny” (although she might not call it that) suits her, who takes to this way of moving and being in the world, this way of using her body, and identifies more with that than with being a “man” or a “woman”.  

(Sidenote: as someone who took a fair amount of Queer Studies classes, it does irk me a bit that discussions of mainstream-y speculative media seem permanently suspended between this sort of “genderblind” futurism where “identities” just don’t exist because they’re apparently not needed anymore, or copy-pasting our contemporary discourses about identity into a future that is materially very different than ours. The point of these identities is, in part, to describe our experiences, the good as well as the bad, and those experiences of gender and sexuality don’t exist in a vacuum. So, the words we use will necessarily change to accommodate that—especially in the post-apocalypse. BUT, everything that comes after us will also bear the stamp of what came before it; it’s just a matter of what the creator means to emphasize.) Augments & Body Mods This is a little dicey, because there’s some clear tension in the movie between the idea of robots = inhuman/unfeeling = bad, and humans = good/feeling. And in that light, it’s potentially problematic to (even incidentally) imply that nonbinary/gender-nonconforming = not human.

But I’d like to point out that the film does deliberately challenge any neat separation of “human” and “machine” with Carl’s evolution as a person.  And based on what I’ve read from James Cameron and Tim Miller interviews, there is some “blurring” intended between human and machine in the franchise.

In fact, Carl and Grace are foils for each other, somewhat, in the sense that they’re on opposite ends of a spectrum where human and machine become blurred, and I love that. As a genderqueer person with a very fluid experience, it appeals to me on a deep level because you could spend literally forever breaking down where does one “gender” end and another begin--emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically.  

So the fact that there’s (1) no hard binary between human and machine (it’s explicitly subverted), and (2) we’re given multiple points of inflection, especially if you count Sarah and the Rev-9--alleviates a lot of the tension I’d feel otherwise in mentioning this. But I don’t think this is something that should be allegorical or a direct comparison; I think that it operates best on a metaphorical or theoretical level.  

And just, it’s the whole vaguely-cyberpunk idea of modifying your own body, not in a mass-produced or manufactured sense, but in this organic and highly individual sense, born out of contingency and necessity, that makes Grace’s Augments so meaningful. It’s one of the things that makes her read as human, too, because it feels more in line with our tendency to stick ink, steel, bone, what have you, through our skins whenever we get the chance--as opposed to some kind of symbolic dehumanization by “becoming a machine”.

Grace routinely refuses to categorize herself in anything other than the most general terms, or explain the details of her Augments, and she seems very protective of them. Rather than seeming ashamed, this refusal reads a lot like the popular queer identity explanation “not gay as in happy, but queer as in “fuck you’”. Her Augments are part of her, and part of her humanity; she volunteered for them, she owns them, and is even protective of them, viewing CBP’s invasive examination of her Augments as a kind of violation of her bodily autonomy. They’re clearly complicated for her, but they’re anything but depersonalized.

And going even further, the reason why she volunteered for them is so that she can defend humanity--and also someone she loves (Dani). They’re an extension of her sense of family, loyalty, love, and willingness to sacrifice.

And I don’t know for sure, but I imagine that Grace is basically one-of-a-kind, even among other Augments, if only because those Augmentations seem to be performed with the tech that’s on hand--salvaged Legion tech, by the sound of it, at least to start with. So the outcome depends on the parts available, the complexity and maturity of the Augmentation technology and process, and the skill & experience of the surgeons, all of which would vary over time.  

And honestly? If that doesn’t qualify as “beyond the binary”, I don’t know what does.

Some other general observations:

- Grace’s short hair is a constant throughout the post-Judgement Day scenes. As someone who started wearing their hair short as a preteen and hasn’t had hair to my shoulders since age 12, that does seem significant.

- Grace only introduces herself by name after Diego shouts “HEY LADY” in the factory before dropping an engine block on the Rev-9. Granted, most women don’t like to be addressed as “HEY LADY”, either, but it stood out to me, especially because she refused to give her name only a couple of minutes before that. Either way you read it, the line feels like it expresses some level of discomfort with or objection to that gendered statement. Maybe she finds that particular reference annoying or even offensive, but also, maybe she doesn’t really identify as a woman. She’s just... Grace.

- there were multiple times I mistook the back of her tank top for the back of a binder, even though she clearly was not binding.

- she constantly steals mens’ clothes--partly because she’s too tall for a lot of womens’ clothes around her, partly out of utility (like at the factory and CBP, where a lot of the guards are men). But also, it pleases the genderfucking queer in me quite a bit. And, I should note, when she had the option to take a female guard’s clothes at the CBP facility... she didn’t.

But ultimately, when I look at Grace, I see someone whose gender is “Warrior” or “Soldier”. And it’s so wonderful to see that so purely represented on a character we’re meant to perceive as female. So, please believe me when I say I don’t want to “take away” what Grace means for other people.  And, for the record, I do mostly default to using she/her pronouns for Grace, because that’s how she’s canonically referred to. But just for fun--try this on for size: Using “they/them” pronouns for Grace. They (Grace) came back in time to protect Dani. It rolls off the tongue, right? It feels nice. Let’s re-try a couple of sentences from above:  

- “multiple times I mistook the back of their tank top for the back of a binder, even though they clearly weren’t binding”  

- “Grace’s Augments are about their ability to be a soldier. They were Augmented in order to hunt Terminators... Everything else is secondary to that, and their mission to protect Dani”

- “Grace only introduces themself by name after Diego shouts “HEY LADY” in the factory before dropping an engine block on the Rev-9 ... Maybe they find that particular reference annoying or even offensive, but also, maybe they don’t really identify as a woman. They’re just... Grace.”

And finally:  

Can you imagine the poor sod who tried to make fun of Grace for having a “girly” name? lmao rip

#terminator dark fate #tdf grace #meta #mine

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star-anise · 6 years

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Physician, know thy own queer history

I've come to suspect that a lot of LGBTQ+ discourse these days is conservative Protestantism with a gay hat because it's pushed by people who literally are conservative gay Protestants whose worldview hasn't been broadened beyond "now you can have 2.5 kids in a house in the suburbs... with a spouse of the same gender."

My girlfriend Marna has been a queer activist since the late 80s. She’s told me about the incredible deliberation and debates LGBTQ+ activists had, in the late 90s and early 00s as the community began to see past the AIDS crisis and immediate goals of “surviving a plague” and “burying our dead.” There were a lot of things we wanted to achieve, but we had to decide how to allocate our scarce reserves of money, labour, publicity, and public goodwiil. Those were the discussions that decided the next big goals we’d pursue were same-sex marriage equality and legal recognition of medical gender transition.

From hearing her tell it, it seems like it was actually a wrenching decision, because it absolutely left a lot of people in the dust. A lot of people, her included, had broad agendas based on sexual freedom and the rights of people to do whatever they wanted with their bodies and consenting partners—and they agreed to put their broader concerns aside and drill down, very specifically, onto the rights of cis gays and lesbians to marry, and the ability to legally change your sex and gender.

As a political tactic it was terrifically effective. In less than two decades, public opinion in many countries has totally reversed on gay marriage, and we’ve won some truly enormous legal landmarks. Gender transition has entered public consciousness and the first landmark battles allowing people to define their own gender have been won. Marriage equality means that husbands and wives are protected from being banned from their dying spouse's bedside, being forcibly separated from their children, or not being recognized as an important part of their spouse's life.

The LGBTQ+ community knew they were taking a gamble, focusing so exclusively on marriage equality, and trans activists knew that they wouldn’t be able to achieve anything else until they’d gotten basic medical transition recognized. By and large, prioritizing things this way paid off. But they knew going in that there would be costs—and we're reaping them.

Activists of 20 years ago chose to sideline and diminish efforts to blur and abolish the gender binary. Efforts to promote alternative family structures, including polyamorous families and non-sexual bonds between non-related adults. Efforts to fight the Christian cultural message that sex is dirty, sinful, bad, and in need of containment. Efforts to promote sexual pleasure as a positive good.

Those efforts have been going on for the last 20 years, but they're marginalized—activists who had to decide where their finite time, money, publicity, and social capital went literally sat in committee meetings and said, "Marriage equality is our top priority. Legal gender transition is our top priority. Everything else will have to wait."

This happened especially because sex education, sex positivity, and youth outreach were incredibly dangerous areas. Our enemies have been saying for years that all LGBTQ+ people are pedophiles, perverts, seeking to corrupt and recruit children to our cause; anyone trying to teach children basic facts about how to avoid disease, what’s happening to their own bodies, or what possibilities they have for identity and orientation, risks having their name, career, and life ruined. As a sex educator in the 90s, Marna had to tell teenagers, “I can’t answer your questions about safe sex now. Come back when you turn 18.”

So kids who grew up being told that girls and boys are different and ought to lead different lives, and sex is dangerous and sinful and gross, and you definitely shouldn't want sex UNTIL you get married to your One True Love, only had that message tweaked a little bit. Now you can cross the floor from the Girl Side to the Boy Side or vice-versa. Now your One True Love doesn't have to be a different gender from you. But those kids could survive with the rest of their worldview relatively intact. And I think that's what we're seeing in fandom, with an emphasis on "pure" OTP ships, on only including LGBT+ identities that use crisp, clear gender binaries and result in nuclear family life. The rest of those cultural messages about sex and love remain: men’s and women’s worlds are and should be different, "impure" sex degrades and defiles you, sexual urges that do not contribute to your One True Love and family life should be repressed, shamed, or destroyed, and sexual thoughts are every bit as bad as acting on them.

This isn't because kids today are bad or stupid. It's because as a community, we had to decide where our effort was going, and now we need to pay down the debt we've racked up over years of prioritizing marriage equality and legal trans recognition over sex positivity, sex education, and deconstructing gender.

TERFs, SWERFs, exclusionists, and transmedicalists have stolen a march over liberal queers because they're doing the work to educate youth. While liberal queers have been staging protests and lobbying politicians, half a dozen of my undergraduate professors were radical feminists. Communities of exclusionists and anti-sex activists have honed their expertise at engaging teenagers with their ideas and theories. They're the ones writing the FAQs, answering the asks, and doing the groundwork of saying, "Here is a basic framework of sexual ethics for you to follow."

If we want to win back the culture wars, we have to step up our own efforts. Go back to the sex educators and gender activists whose good work has been ignored or underfunded for all this time and support them. Let major LGBTQ+ activist organizations know that their work so far is very nice, but it's time to renew our focus on youth outreach and mentoring young activists. Brainstorm a way to help angry, isolated, disenfranchised young people form communities based around positive action and a sense of belonging. Get into mentorship or education yourself. Help us pivot as a community, to reach out to the kids who have obviously been underserved.

People doing the good work who need our support: San Francisco Sex Information Sex & U Scarleteen Sexplanations Making Queer History

We won a few battles. That's nice. But now it doesn't serve us to whine that they're not all won. We've still got work to do.

(@star-anise: Patreon | Paypal)

#staranise original #lgbt #queer #we have always been here #tumblr purity culture #lgbt discourse tw #queer discourse

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midnightsorciere-blog · 6 years

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Our System: Introduction

So, this is something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but have been sort of putting off. In case you'd didn’t already know, I am part of a multiple system. Now I’m not professionally diagnosed or anything, so I don’t know whether we have DID or OSDD, but if I had to guess I’d say it’s more likely OSDD. Having a label for it isn’t terribly important to me, but I figured it might be helpful in getting a basic understanding of how our system works in general.

But I’m not going to go into detail about all that right now (though I might later if anyone’s interested). Today, I just wanted to do some basic introductions for all of us here! Partly so people can get to know us a little better, and partly because it fulfills some of my therapy goals. I’ll put it under a cut in case it runs a little long (sorry mobile users, you’re still screwed).

Our system name is the Arcadian System. I wish I had some grand reason why we chose this, but the reality is that none of us could agree on a name, so we all just decided to go after our town name in Animal Crossing, which is Arcadia. For a very long time we never had an actual identity as a system, but after a recent crisis which involved some alters disappearing for a time, others being shoved to the front and being ‘stuck’ there, and then others switching way more often than we ever have before, we figured it was necessary. I of course can’t speak for every system, but for us, having a group name-something we can all identify as no matter who’s fronting-really helped our internal communication.

Now, when we went through and tried to create a system map, we found that some of us already had names, and some of us didn’t, and some of us refused to pick one. What we ultimately decided on was assigning each of us a color. So in our little bios, if you only see a color as a name, it’s either because they don’t have/want any other name, or because they don’t want to share their actual name. Anyway, let’s get on with it!

Name: Green/JayDee

Age: 17

Gender: Nonbinary

Orientation: Ace, Grey Aro

Fav vine/meme: Hewwo Mr. Obama

Description: Green’s the one who originally got us into Tumblr. They used to be @woodlandprincen, but then they deleted that one and moved to @starbound-solivagant. They try to be very compassionate and understanding, and I think they were the most concerned out of all of us with making friends. They’re highly sensitive, which makes them very empathetic, but also prone to getting hurt most easily. A very black and white thinker, but also idealistic in nature.

Name: Blue

Age: 24

Gender: Male

Orientation: Demisexual, 90% gay, 10% ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fav vine/meme: Adam!

Description: Blue is the one who actually discovered Tumblr first, but he never actually made a blog. He just went through and screenshotted posts he liked, so now we have a folder with literally hundreds of photos in it. Still bitter about how Pepe the frog was co-opted by nazis. He tends to be the most chill and responsible out of all of us, but he’s also a bit of a control freak. He thinks he runs our life the best, so he despises relinquishing the front spot once he’s up there. But, that makes him very prone to burnouts. Equally as likely to be reading all the nonfiction on the internet as watching the 30th vine compilation at 3 in the morning.

Name: Red

Age: 31

Gender: Female

Orientation: don’t fucking try it

Fav vine/meme: pretty much anything by Sarah Schauer

Description: The oldest of all current alters, and also the only alter mentally older than the body. Considers herself ‘retired’, and has absolutely no interest in fronting. Generally pretty snarky, and very low empathy. Kind of a bitch, but she's gotten a lot better. Whereas she used to be incredibly antagonistic during our teenage years, she’s now mellowed out and functions as a sort of protector for the system. Is an excellent writer, and she doesn’t even have to try very hard, and I’m incredibly jealous. She’s a heavy smoker (although we switched to e-cigarettes), and would be the most likely to try drugs if she didn’t think they were too expensive. She runs on spite and a general ‘fuck everything’ attitude.

Name: Clear

Age: N/A

Gender: Agender

Orientation: N/A

Fav vine/meme: N/A

Description: Clear is a bit of a strange one. They have a very hard time focusing, so they don’t go on the internet much. From the outside, they could easily be confused for a little-they’re mostly nonverbal, they have a hard time reading, and their vocabulary is limited. But rather than being young, they’re just very much withdrawn. They live mostly in their own little world, which is fine for the most part, but causes problems when they front for long periods of time. And because they only front for a few hours, or a day at most, they’ve never needed to develop much of a personality outside the headspace. Their thinking patterns are also very abstract. They’ve thought it might be closer to how an animal experiences the world. They live a peaceful semi-existence, and they seem happy with that.

Name: Indigo

Age: 24

Gender: Demigirl

Orientation: ?

Fav vine/meme: Doesn’t have one yet

Description: She’s the second newest alter we have. She’s high maintenance, and extremely selfish. She’s also not one to be trifled with. While she can generally put on a nice front long enough to get her way, internally, she’s already thought of several ways to ruin/blackmail you. But only if she thinks you deserve it. Because of how confrontational and vengeful she can be, she’s generally kept from fronting by all the other alters. When she is allowed to front, it’s only during times where she either can’t do any damage, or her temperament is needed to protect the system.

Name: Black/Midnight

Age: 24

Gender: Female

Orientation: Sapphic (mostly)

Fav vine/meme: Gandalf Sax

Description: It me! :D I am the currently fronting alter, and also the newest (kind of, it’s complicated). I’m actually not entirely my own identity, but rather a combination of several other alters: Green, Blue, Clear, Purple, and Indigo. If you think of alters as their own paints, then I’m not my own paint, nor am I all those paints mixed together. Rather, I am a box that has all the paints inside. So I’m just one alter, but I’m always in communication with the other alters, and I can break down into those separate components if need be. I don’t know if this is considered integration, or co-conciousness, or what. But it’s what I am right now. Personality-wise, I’m this weird combo of trying too hard to be relatable, and also trying too hard to be mysterious and cool. So I’m just generally super awkward. Plus my brain acts like English is my second language and I don’t have a first, which is why I can’t fuckin read and I say things like ‘I got gangbanged by skeletons’. But despite that, I’m still trying to be a writer cause I actually like writing (or the thinking about stuff part, anyway). It’s just the getting it out intelligibly part I struggle with.

Honorable Mentions

Purple: Oldest alter any of us can remember, gone. None of us has been able to communicate with Purple in years, so it’s assumed that she either integrated, or otherwise just stopped existing. However, I’ve been getting some of Purple’s memories back, bit by bit these past few months, so there’s something of her left.

Orange: No communication, presumed no longer existing. The only memories we have of Orange’s are of the abuse we went through during their relationship at that time. Everything else is incredibly sparse.

White: Persecutor, no longer existing, thankfully. Was incredibly cruel, continuously goaded Purple into self harm and several suicide attempts, always made their mental health worse. I don’t remember what happened to her, and Red doesn’t share those memories.

Pink: Succesfully integrated into later alters. Used to be a troublemaker. Got Purple and Red into dangerous situations for the ‘fun’ of it, then would bail and leave them to clean up the mess. Really just wanted attention and validation, but didn’t know how to go about getting it correctly.

And that’s it! I’ve had several more alters in the past, but I don’t remember them, and I don’t think any of my current alters do either. We have almost no memories of anything before age 11. But hopefully, you know a little more about us, and ergo about me. This was helpful for me, anyway. Sorry for the long ass post, but this deserved the space. Anyway, I wish you all well!

#about me #mulitiple #system #did #osdd #multiplicity #alters

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flockofdoves · 6 years

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bhhhhhh sorry to talk about this but i keep thinking about it lately so . overall i’ve come a long way with accepting my body (with the exception of like gender related dysphoria shit) and especially just accepting how i tend to fluctuate a lot on the border of being chubby

but like in the past few months with the combination of all the really big stressors around me (plus probably that i stopped taking adderall daily and instead take it only when i need it??) i’ve gained more weight than i’m used to and i kinda hate having so much neck chub and also i have stretch marks/cellulite for the first time

mostly its stupid like i literally don’t hold anyone to this weird standard so i Know its largely just internalized misogyny shit plus not being used to seeing myself quite this same way (plus like some vague dysphoria stuff too, i see myself as very weak and part of my goals for when i get on t are to get physically stronger)

but also like the circumstances of all this aren’t the healthiest way to gain weight so i would like to actually eat healthier/exercise for once to feel better (like i shouldve/wanted to be doing before this anyway) but my stupid brain doesnt know how to separate that from caring about the aesthetics of my body

and so this is all leading to the worst combo of my brain Both caring about my appearance And suggesting i do bordering on unhealthy/disorded stuff like go back on adderall daily literally just for the effects it has on my appetite :////

#cpost #weight mention -#weight gain -#disorded eating - kinda

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07-02-2017-blog · 6 years

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My experience with FFS. Part 1

I remember waking up that morning feeling like I had moved some great mountain. My surgery was scheduled for 11:30, meaning I had to be there at 9 to check in and get settled and ready for surgery. It was 7am. I finally cleared all obstacles getting me to this day, and I had nothing in front of me but this life-changing, affirming surgery.

I hurriedly got ready in comfy clothing, not bothering to put on any makeup or fuss with my hair which, by itself, made that day unlike others. I took whatever pills I could dry swallow, since I could not drink or eat anything for 12 hours prior to surgery. I was mostly grumpy due to not having eaten breakfast, and seeing my mom drink her coffee made me deeply envious.

To anyone who is reading this that hasn’t had an amazing trans related body surgery, I woke up that day with the feeling like I was going to some tropical getaway. Everyone is excited to go away somewhere exotic and tropical; and waking up on the day of travel, you feel very very antsy to get there, and you can’t believe the day has come. But you must make the day through the treacherous airport lines. I was so close to the end of that line.

My analogy of going somewhere foreign and exotic mirrors why I decided to go through with this surgery. I was finally leaving behind the harsh conditions of having my face; it was hard to be out in public and I was always cooped up inside, to then go to a place where my face could look inviting, exotic, warm, new. Once I had the new face, I would get to make all these new amazing memories that would enrich my life forever. I just had to face (no pun intended) a day of waiting; waiting to be called, waiting to be put out, waiting to go home, waiting for that amazing recovery.

My mom, as brave as she is, was nervous all morning. At the end of the day, one of her babies was going to be put under a anesthetic and undergo a five hour procedure. I think every person can relate to having a mother being nervous on the day of surgery. We went down to her rental car, and I left my apartment for the last time with my old face.

—-

During the 30 minute drive, I thought about of all the endings that were being dumped on me. My family was never going to see my face as it was ever again. I was not getting changes to the point of looking unrecognizable, but still, the next time I would be sleeping in my bed, my face would be changed forever.

We arrived early and I excitedly hopped out of the car while my mom parked. I went up to registration and told them what I was getting done, and showed them my health card. While the kind volunteer made my wristband, I said in a pleading tone “Please don’t let the sex say male—I am a girl!” I’d been to a hospital recently since then, and the nurse there had put it upon herself to assume I was a male. I could go on and on about that, but that’s for another time. I was there to get my face feminized and my wristband was NOT going to say male. Not allowed.

I then went over to the corresponding pre-op room, with my correctly female gendered wrist band thank you VERY much, and the volunteer there took me to the makeshift changing rooms, along with a key to a locker. I was instructed to strip down behind the dressing curtain, change into the hospital gowns, and store my personal belongings in the locker.

Now, as a transgender female, whenever I hear the words ‘dressing room, bathroom, strip down, or take all your clothes off’, I go into hyper defensive mode. I needed to take off everything?! Even the delicate article of clothing that hides my biggest shame? (Cis translation: my underwear. Panties. Whatever ya call em). I was completely naked; the only thing separating me from showing the whole pre op room my genital situation was a heavy linen curtain. I called my mom in to tie up the back of my dress (god bless her), finished putting on the dress, put slippers on, put on a hairnet, and bam! I was one girl lookin’ great for surgery. I was escorted into the sitting room. I waited until a nurse came to get my final vitals and ask me about my weight, height, and last foods/meds consumed. I was sitting in a chair in an unflattering, frumpy mint hospital gown, wearing nothing underneath. My junk hadn’t been free like that since 2015. On top of all of this, that this was when I started the Holy-Shit-I’m-Getting-Surgery thought process.

Between not being able to cover my body parts properly and waiting in a poorly lit room to be cut open, needless to say the panic was mounting. For a time I looked around at all the people being wheeled off to surgery and having their blood checked; then I thought holy shit, that’s gonna be me soon! And, because my insecurities always come out at the most perfect times, I was looking around wondering what gender people thought I was. I was wearing a gender neutral frumpy dress and my long brown hair was sloppily tucked into the hairnet. In my mind, every person that looked at me saw a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am a woman; but pre surgery, when I couldn’t wear makeup or hair or femme outfits, I was mistaken for a male.

Uhhh, that’s wrong.

My insecurities were confirmed when a nurse called me for a final pre-surgery questioning, and she continually referred to me as he-she. No, not in the offensive way that you are thinking, what I mean is that when talking to other nurses, she would say things like "Oh yeah—I’m almost done with hi—uh her, he—she is just about to go into pre-op procedures.”

Yeah. I got that for the past two years. Well meaning people who do correct themselves and respect my identity, but nonetheless, through no fault of their own, subconsciously assign me as male. And it kills me all the same.

I was then ushered into the outside of my surgery room. There I met with the anesthesiologist, my surgeon, the main nurse helping in the surgery, etc. They all reassured me and told me the surgery is going to go amazing, and that I’d be okay. My surgeon assured me that he preforms a lot of these surgeries, and everything would be alright. Well, so much for reassuring me. I was a nervous, fidgety mess. I was about to be cut open for god sakes! My brow bone was literally about to be shaved! I consulted with my anesthesiologist about how panicked I was, and he assured me that he was gonna give me the good stuff to really make me loopy.

One of the nurses participating in my surgery came into the room, and told my mom and I that they were all ready and set up for me to go in. I tearfully hugged my mom goodbye, and told her to busy herself with her various friends while I was in surgery so she wouldn’t panic. I kissed her and she told me how brave she thought I was as I walked away with the nurse. The first thing the nurse mentioned to me is how tall I am (hey, short people: saying I’m tall is neither a compliment nor an insult. It’s just a fucking statement. You don’t have to acknowledge it. I promise you’ll be fine.) Obviously this annoyed me, and distracted me from my nervousness for a split second. Then, I was ushered into a Grey’s Anatomy-esque Operating Room (yes, I know that reference makes me basic) which shocked me back into nervousness. Holy shit. I’m getting operated on. What did I get myself into?

In retrospect, what happens next was a healthy distraction from my mind automatically thinking the worst results of my surgery. And it also realigned why I needed this surgery for MY own peace of mind. All of the operators in the room were calling me “he,” and then hastily (or not so hastily, I remember you bitches) correct themselves. I went immediately into self deprecation mode. Well yeah they misgender me because I’m not wearing anything indicating I’m female. I combatted that thought with a sense of defeat and pure frustration; even operators that are operating on someone who is getting FACIAL FEMINIZATION SURGERY wouldn’t put in the effort to try and be respectful of my identity. And then I had one final thought: with this surgery, I can go outside without trying so hard to preform ‘female’ and I can still be respected and identified naturally as a girl! That was my original goal! Let’s fucking do this!

My anesthesiologist put the IV in, and remarked that I was going to be drowsy in about five seconds. I didn’t even have time to think, and then bam. All the tension left my body. I was suddenly floating on a cloud and everything was beautiful. The assistant anesthesiologist put my oxygen mask on and said “Okay, let’s start putting him out.”

Suddenly my frustration of being misgendered there of all places was mixed with my razor sharp focus to get into this surgery and complete it. Amidst the effects of an inhibition-lowering drug, I took off my mask and yelled to the room: “She, Her, HERS! She, her herrrrrrrr-“

—-

I woke up in what felt like two minutes after being put out. I was still tremendously high from the weaning anesthesia. I felt blissful and absolutely at peace. I did it! And no pain! (just wait, Sami). The nurse said a bunch of soothing shit that went over my head. I toned her out and basked in the accomplishment. I had booked this surgery all the way back in October, and waited for it to be preformed on April 9th, 2018. I moved away from my family in the states so I could work my ass off and save for this surgery.

I’m on the other side. I can now be free! And be more Samantha than ever!

-Samantha Kru 🤠👽💀

(P.S… I will post my post ffs experience, from waking up to a month later, as soon as I can! This is long enough on its own! Haha)

#ffs #facial feminization surgery #trans #mtf #transgender #trans girl #hormones #hrt

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adamhgrimes · 7 years

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10000 hours, trading, and what really matters

This is the third, and last, post in a series of three posts that started by looking at the 10,000 hour fallacy and the importance of deliberate practice. Those posts were broad in scope, and some of you asked how to related them specifically to trading and financial markets. That’s the point of today’s post: why deliberate practice fails most developing traders, and how to approach the problem of trading smarter.

More answers, better answers?

Research can be confusing because answers are often unclear. We would like to think that science is black/white, true/false, but this is not at all the case: answers only come within the bounds of statistical uncertainty, researchers have motivations and perspectives that shape those answers, and many answers that appear to be solid defy replication. Errors in thinking can persist for decades. (We’re seeing a good example of this now with the revision of thinking on low-fat “heart healthy” dietary guidelines that were supported mostly by research funded by sugar producers.)

Some of the best answers tend to come from meta-studies, which are large studies of other studies. A researcher doing this work has an eagle-eye perspective on a lot of data and different methodologies and can often create analytical techniques that compensate for the weaknesses and biases in some studies. No, there’s still no certainty, but a good meta-study will often get us closer.

Brooke Macnamara, Hambrick, and Oswald published a substantial metastudy of the deliberate practice literature in 2014 (alas, to nowhere near the fanfare created by pop science bobbleheads over the “10,000 rule”): Deliberate Practice and Performance in Music, Games, Sports, Education, and Professions: A Meta-Analysis. That paper is worth your time to read, but here is the authors’ conclusion, followed by one of the charts from the paper (emphasis mine):

Ericsson and his colleagues’ (1993) deliberate-practice view has generated a great deal of interest in expert performance, but their claim that individual differences in performance are largely accounted for by individual differences in amount of deliberate practice is not supported by the available empirical evidence. An important goal for future research on expert performance is to draw on existing theories of individual differences to identify basic abilities and other individual difference factors that explain variance in performance and to estimate their importance as predictor variables relative to deliberate practice. Another important goal is to continue to investigate how and when task and situational factors such as task predictability moderate the impact of deliberate practice and other individual difference factors on performance. Research aimed at addressing these goals will shed new light on the underpinnings of expert performance.

Things that matter

The conclusion of this paper was that 12% (that’s the take-home number) of variation in performance was explained by deliberate practice, across a wide range of situations and fields–twelve percent. That is not most, nearly all, or even a lot. It’s some. It probably separates the very, very good from the absolutely top in some of these fields (but maybe not–that’s an assumption not supported by the research). For everyone else, it’s probably important, maybe very important, but it’s also clearly not, based on this study, the most important place on which to focus.

I think one of the other key points is that deliberate practice seems to work best in highly predictable fields. You tell me, is learning to trade more like learning to play a Beethoven sonata on the piano–a task in which nearly every aspect is known and defined beforehand–or is it more like fighting forest fires? We can see clearly from the chart above that deliberate practice appears to fail in explaining peoples’ success in professions (and, perhaps, in education), so perhaps this is not where traders should be focusing.

I think one of the problems with learning to trade is that there are no, true, “fundamentals” of trading. Before you object, let’s consider fundamentals in other fields. In music, we have basic aspects of technique and theory. In knifemaking, we have fundamental techniques of moving hot metal, managing stresses in the piece, and controlling hardness. Every sport has a set of techniques that can, and must, be assimilated into muscle memory. In chess, we have the endgame, fundamental pieces of tactics and combinations, and patterns that occur, with variations, over and over.

Is trading the same? Though people have substituted things like booking screen time and doing silly keyboard drills, I would argue that the “fundamentals” of trading have been misunderstood. These are primarily psychological skills relating to performance under risk and pressure. There are ways to move toward mastery of this psychology–both from an emotion and intellectual perspective–but one of the critical factors is time. A beginning trader is a nervous, twitching mess every time he even thinks about putting on a trade. He swings between extremes of elation and depression with every tick. He can’t see or think clearly (literally cannot because his brain is chemically compromised by the emotions of trading) while the market is moving.

If that trader does not blow himself up, after a few years he stops caring so much; he becomes desensitized to the movements of the market. The emotions naturally abate as he moves toward mastery. (An important linguistic note: English encourages the use of the gendered pronoun, so I realize I’ve written “he” throughout this explanation, but women, who account for a tiny percentage of traders, generally do this better and faster than men. More women should probably be traders because they seem to adapt to this world much quicker, in my experience, than do men!)

We need exposure to market patterns. We need education. We need to understand statistics, probability, cognitive bias, market microstructure and efficiency–all the things that explain why trading is hard, but we also need a lot exposure to the market and a lot of times at bat.

Discipline fails

I gave a presentation last week to a group of options traders who work with a good friend of mine. In that presentation, I argued that we think about discipline the wrong way. We tell traders they must be disciplined, and they fail to be disciplined. Why? It’s not because these traders are stupid failures or that we are incompetent teachers–it’s because we are asking the impossible. Discipline is an outcome as much as it is a goal. Discipline shows that a lot of things are working correctly in a trader’s world, and that the trader has achieved some degree of mastery. To tell a developing trader to be disciplined is akin to handing someone a basketball, putting them on the free throw line, and telling them to sink 50 in a row.

Discipline is the outcome of the right mental framework, emotional skills (largely including the systematic desensitization to the stimuli of trading achieved over many years of exposure), and process. These things matter, and perhaps we don’t focus on them enough.

What might matter most

One of the things that always bothered me about the 10,000 hours was that it did not line up well with my experience. When I started music, frankly, I was almost immediately “good”. Though I started late in life (for a classical musician) I easily leapfrogged people who had been studying for years, and, perhaps even more important, I loved it–there was a virtuous circle in which I saw that I had skill, which reinforced my excitement and love for the field (passion), which led me to develop more skills. I can see a clear difference between the things that I have tried to do with moderate success and the fields in which I have achieved some significant degree of mastery. In the latter, I always had that “aha” moment at the beginning–some early successes, and an immediate attraction for the field.

When I had the experience of teaching a reasonably large body of music students, I saw some did much better than others, regardless of my effort as a teacher. In fact, because I was so aware of my potential failings, I think I worked harder with and for many mediocre students. Sometimes they sucked because they didn’t care (not to mince words!), but that was not always the case. I saw several cases in which the students put in time, but just simply did not get the same improvement that someone else might have. I could also make the observation that passion again seemed to be a necessary, but not sufficient, precondition for success. Some of the less successful students loved what they were doing (and, I hope, will always find it to be a contribution to their life and happiness), but, without exception, every good to great student was on fire with the rage to master their discipline–success was only a road to the next challenge to be conquered.

I think this is harder in trading. Do you really love the process of trading, or are you focused on the financial success and the (very real) change it can make in your life? You don’t have to love everything you do, and you might even need to fight the tendency for obsession that comes with passion, but I think your life will be best rewarded if you can bring some coherence. Trading is going to be hard, and it’s going to take you at least a few years to have any measurable success. If you don’t love it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it–that’s probably the most important thing of all. Life is short; if you don’t love what you’re doing, find something you do love.

10000 hours, trading, and what really matters was originally published on Adam H Grimes

#10000 hours #deliberate practice #grit

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soulfulayuh · 7 years

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{SoulfulRevelations}: Is homosexuality a sin in God’s eyes? No.

So I was in a moderately heated debate with a particular Christian blog the other day. They were, at the time, answering open and anonymous questions from their bloggers. Of course, one of the main topics discussed was whether or not homosexuals were going to inherit the kingdom of heaven and whether or not homosexuality is a sin. I was unusually (and uncomfortably) moved by these questions and answers because this “Christian” blog was blatantly stating to people that homosexual men and women would definitely not inherit the kingdom of God and that the Bible is consistent with the fact that homosexuality is a sin. I don’t know about you guys but, my God… Jesus Christ the Son of the living God.. would never deny a gay man or woman into the kingdom, BUT THAT’S JUST ME. 😟

Anyway, I’m not one who believes that my way of thinking is the only right way of thinking so I decided to entertain this debate and possibly seek a different understanding or point of view. As well as, give my own opinion (which was immediately objected).

Here’s the run down:

Christian blog: “Gay people won’t go to heaven because practicing homosexuality is a sin and the Bible is clearly against the practices of homosexuality. We have to obey God. We should love them enough to tell them to repent of their sinful nature.“

Me: “Hm, are you sure homosexuality is a sin? Do you know ‘sin’ is anything that keeps us from having an intimate relationship with God? How does someone’s sexual orientation keep them from believing that Jesus is Lord? Everyone has inherited the kingdom of heaven.. but all it takes is just to confess and believe in your heart that Jesus died on the cross to save our sins to get into heaven” 😇

Christian blog: “The Bible could not be clearer that homosexuality is a sin *verse reference* it’s a shameful act *verse reference* and it carries due penalty *verse reference* if they love God they will obey Him.” 👊🏽✌🏽

Me: “Okay… those *verse references* are apart of the Old Testament Law but we don’t observe that law the same way the Israelites did.. we have a new covenant Law under Jesus Christ, soooo… whoever believes in Him will have eternal life.” 🤔

Christian blog: “Homosexuality is the result of denying and disobeying God and we can’t just keep going on sinning. Anyone who keeps on sinning is not in God, therefore, an active homosexual is not going to heaven.” 😌

Me: 😒😒😒

I’ve been attending a bible study for a few weeks that’s studying the book of Deuteronomy. This is the part of the Bible where the Law of Moses/ Mosaic Law, also known as The Torah, is given by God to Moses to give to the Israelites before entering the promised land. The law is expressed several times throughout the Bible, Old Testament and new. It includes the 10 Commandments (Deuteronomy 5) and other various laws like not eating pork (Deuteronomy 14:8). However, this law was put in place specifically for the previous generation (before the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ) to keep them alive, and to keep them “in line” for lack of a better term. All for THEIR GOOD (Deuteronomy 6:24, and 10:12-13). This law does not have the same function for us as it did the Israelites.

I went ahead and did a little more research and there are few verses that came up.

Leviticus 20:13 describes “sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman” as “detestable” and both will be “put to death” (NIV).

1 Corinthians 6:9 says, “abusers of themselves with mankind [i.e. homosexuals] will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”

The book of Leviticus specifically contains the laws and regulations the Lord gave to Israel. It makes sense why he would give them this law, because at the time, people in the surrounding regions were being put to death for exploitative homosexual practices [i.e. relationships with minors, prostitution, and rape]. This law reflects the cultural limitations at the time;

In the Bible, the apostle Paul is the main dude condemning people for homosexuality.

In Romans 1:24, he states that “God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts” (NIV) and v.26 “God gave them over to their shameful lusts” (NIV)

Which kinda sounds like the people had the desire and lust but the specific act of was literally an act of God; a punishment maybe? God gave them over to their lusts because the people knew him but they neither glorified Him as God, nor did they give thanks to Him, and they made and worshipped idols, which is the real sin: the resistance of a more intimate relationship with the one true God.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 was the exact verse this Christian blog referenced, which states that, “men who have sex with men” won’t “inherit the kingdom of God” (NIV)

They ended it there but they disregard v.11 (which completes the paragraph…)

“And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:11 NIV)

That last verse is crucial to understanding the WHOLE CONTEXT. Because when God ordained the death and resurrection of His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, He did this to release mankind from the slavery of sin. He did this so we will be no longer separated but saved by grace.

Romans 7:4 says, “So my brothers and sisters. you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God” (NIV).

Not by the things that you do, not by obeying the “law”, and not because we deserve it. We all have inherited the kingdom of Heaven just because God’s love for us is that deep

1 Corinthians 12:13 says, “For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink” (NIV).

Colossians 3:11 says, “Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythians. slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all” (NIV).

We ALL equally have the same opportunity to go to Heaven. The only thing you need to do to get to Heaven is: accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior; confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord and that He died on the cross to save our sins (Romans 10:9).

That’s what the Good News is…

That’s what the whole message of the gospel is about…

Most likely, Paul was including his own opinion of homosexuality or he was speaking about the exploitative homosexual practices that were prevalent at the time. I believe we would have seen how God felt about it in Deuteronomy, in the Ten Commandments perhaps; if it was important or misunderstood, wouldn’t God add it to his top ten list?

Paul explains in the end of Romans 9:30 that the Israelites pursued the law as a way to eternal salvation, and they have not “attained the goal…because they pursued it not by faith but as if it were by works”, or as if their actions with obeying the law earned their way to heaven when, it does not (NIV).

Belief in the Lord Jesus Christ is the way to get to heaven according to what Romans 10:9-13 says, “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (NIV).

Romans 13:8-10 says, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has FULFILLED THE LAW. The commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ ‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not covet,’ and whatever other commands there may be, are summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law” (NIV).

This response is in no way trying to say “we can just keep on sinning.”

Proverbs 28:13 says “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (NIV).

This discussion brings up significant inconsistencies with what “sin” actually is and also brings up a huge problem with the common human misinterpretation of the Bible; humans have a prejudice, judgmental and ignorant view on these matters; yet this is inconsistent with God’s true nature. If you are familiar with God’s true nature [an all-knowing, divine force of nature; completely loving, merciful, blameless etc.]) then you would definitely know that God wouldn’t condemn a vast majority of today’s population to hell solely based on their gender preference.

One thing the Bible is clear about is that we definitely are not the judge.

In Matthew 7:1-2, Jesus says plainly, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (NIV)

Romans 2:3-5 says, “So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?” (NIV)

Therefore, telling someone, solely based on their sexual orientation, that they will not inherit the kingdom of heaven seems false based on scripture. Doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with gender preference. To my knowledge, there are no scriptures that even refer to sexual orientation. Findings have concluded that homosexuality is a given; an unchangeable fact based on nature of a significant portion of humanity. Who are any of we to tell anyone that, based on their sexual orientation, they’re “unnatural” or an “abomination” and they will not get to go to heaven if they continue to practice homosexuality? Do not be fooled, God does not make mistakes. We are all predestined; made in God’s image.

“For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth…all things have been created through Him and for Him” (Colossians 1:16 NIV).

What would God not love about a good ol’ loving, happy, committed, sexual, monogamous relationship between two believers, regardless of the gender involved? God loves us even if we do not yet know Him. I don’t know what kind of stereotypical, judgmental, prejudice God ya’ll worship, but that is definitely NOT the God I worship.

1. PFLAG. “Is Homosexuality a sin?” PFLAG. http://dignitycanada.org/sin.html

2. Keller, Tim. “The Bible and Same Sex Relationships: A Review Article.” Redeemer Report. Redeemer Churches & Ministries, June 2015 https://www.redeemer.com/redeemer-report/article/the_bible_and_same_sex_relationships_a_review_article

#God #jesus #jesus christ #jesussaves #jesuslovesyou #love #soulfulayuh

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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Learning How to Set Boundaries with Strangers

“Boundaries aren’t about punishing. Boundaries are about creating safety for yourself.�� – Sheri Keffer

The person sitting beside you at the bar keeps talking to you despite your obvious disinterest. The flirty Uber driver mentions—three times—how beautiful you are. Your cousin’s new boyfriend gives you a too-long hug with wandering hands.

In awkward situations with strangers, we tend to hope that non-verbal cues will be sufficient to set a boundary. We use silence, crossed arms, uncomfortable laughter, and glares to communicate discomfort. But some folks cannot—or will not—take the hint.

Here, we find ourselves at a crossroads: We can either set clear verbal boundaries or tolerate the uncomfortable behavior indefinitely.

For the longest time, I struggled to set boundaries in awkward situations with strangers. Throughout childhood, I was taught how to be kind, nice, and open-minded—but never how to have difficult conversations and advocate for myself. I worried that setting firm boundaries was mean, so I tolerated uncomfortable behavior in silence, which allowed the awkward situations to escalate even further.

Eventually, I realized that setting firm boundaries is a form of verbal self-defense. It is our responsibility to advocate for, and protect, our time and space.

My goal for this article is to demystify the process of boundary-setting and offer concrete suggestions of language you can use to be clear and direct. These are phrases I’ve crafted, edited, and re-crafted over years of boundary-setting practice. My hope is to help you make awkward situations as not awkward as possible.

Before we dive in, let’s get clear on five key principles for boundary-setting:

When we refuse to set a boundary, we prioritize other people’s comfort over our own needs. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of putting ourselves first. It’s a great way to break the people-pleasing habit and practice the art of self-care and verbal self-defense.

Difficult honesty is not unkindness. It’s not mean to stand up for yourself. It’s actually the most truthful and authentic way to interact with others.

You can manage your boundaries or manage other people’s feelings, but you can’t do both. The bottom line is, your boundaries might make people feel frustrated or resentful. That burden is not yours to bear. As the saying goes, “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.”

It’s not your job to protect people from feeling uncomfortable. Remember: the folks imposing on your space aren’t giving your comfort a second thought—so don’t twist yourself into knots trying to protect their feelings. As Registered Clinical Counselor Jordan Pickell says, “It makes sense for people to feel bad and weird when they have crossed a line.”

Safety first. If you ever feel unsafe or threatened, do whatever you need to do to get to safety. Don’t be a boundary-setting hero.

For consistency, the examples below use “Bob” as the generic name of our boundary-violator. However, folks of all genders, ages, races, etc., violate boundaries.

Certain suggested phrases are direct and firm. Others are lighter and playful. Experiment with the language to find the tone that works best for you.

Case #1: The Handsy Hugger

Maybe it’s an eager fan who approaches you after an open mic performance. Maybe it’s your step brother’s uncle who you see twice a year at family barbecues.

Handsy Huggers comes in many shapes and forms, but they all have one thing in common: they hug you for an uncomfortably long time with wandering hands.

My recommendation: In a scenario that runs the risk of uncomfortable physical contact, it’s better to avoid a hug altogether. Next time a Handsy Hugger approaches you, give yourself permission not to enter his outstretched arms. Hang back, offer a smile (or not), and when he looks at you quizzically, say, “I’m not in the mood for a hug today, Bob.” In the next breath, redirect the conversation to literally any other topic.

Case #2: The Flirty Uber Driver

I have been asked, by two separate Uber drivers, if I would consider marrying them. I’ve sat in the backseat as Uber drivers have commented on how much they liked my clothing and eyed me from the rearview.

When you’re in someone’s Uber, you can’t exactly escape to the ladies room. Some drivers will continue bantering with you even if you put headphones on and stare blankly out the window.

My recommendation: Depending on your mood, you can use a casual or direct approach.

Casual: “It’s been nice talking with you, but I’ve had a long day and don’t really feel like talking right now.”

Direct: “To be honest, your comments are making me uncomfortable. I’d prefer not to talk right now.”

(Note: If your rideshare driver makes you feel unsafe or threatened, report them through the app immediately.)

Case #3: The Non-Stop Texter

You meet a nice man named Bob at the bar or on a hike. You exchange numbers. Within hours, your phone begins buzzing. Bob asks you a litany of questions. He sends a greeting every morning. Throughout the day, your phone erupts with Bob’s favorite Youtube videos of tap-dancing cats.

You don’t reply, but your silence doesn’t deter Bob from sending text after text after text. You consider ignoring his messages wholesale, but you’re concerned that if you run into Bob in public, you’ll feel guilty and awkward.

My recommendation: Despite the rising popularity of cell phone boundaries, some folks seem to feel entitled to your time and space via your inbox. They’re not. You’ve got two options:

If you hope to keep this person as a friend but adjust how often you text, try this: “Bob, I like to have healthy boundaries with my phone and I’m not interested in texting this often. Next time we meet up, let’s have a conversation about our expectations for communicating when we’re not together.”

If you feel overwhelmed and want to cut the cord entirely, try this: “Bob, I’m not open to a friendship with you at this time. You’ve been reaching out a lot recently and I feel overwhelmed by it. I have no hard feelings toward you and I wish you the best.”

Case #4: The Person At the Bar Who Won’t Stop Talking To You Despite Your Obvious Disinterest

I like to write in my journal at bars. I’m a sober lady and I don’t drink, but I love feeling comfortably anonymous in a social atmosphere.

Despite my hunched posture, downcast eyes, and scribbling hand, many a barstool neighbor attempts to strike up a conversation with me. The first one or two questions are fine—a pleasantry, really—but often, my bar neighbor will continue on, chatting at me despite my obvious disinterest.

I can’t count the number of times I have diverted my eyes and offered muttered “uh huhs” and “yeahs” before throwing a twenty onto the bar and escaping into the night, feeling resentful.

My recommendation: Especially when alcohol might be involved, it’s best to set a firm boundary as clearly and directly as possible. Turn to your barstool neighbor and say, “I appreciate the chance to chat, but I don’t feel like talking right now.”

Case #5: The “Harmless Older Person”

Ah, yes. The older lady or gentleman who uses your age difference to justify being “harmlessly flirty” with you. Any of this sound familiar?

“If I was your age, I’d have swept you off your feet by now!”

“You’re a real beauty, you know that?”

“I just love the sight of a spry young man.”

“As my father used to say: Just ‘cuz you’re married doesn’t mean you stop lookin’.”

It doesn’t matter if the speaker is 20 or 200—if someone’s flirtation makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to shut that commentary down.

My recommendation: Keep it simple. Try this: “I know you’re trying to be kind, but please don’t make comments like that. They make me feel uncomfortable.”

Case #6: The Uninvited Mansplainer

There’s nothing quite like the particular fury of having a man 1) assume you know nothing about a certain topic because you’re a woman, 2) explain said topic authoritatively, indefinitely.

Merriam Webster defines mansplaining as “when a man talks condescendingly to someone (especially a woman) about something he has incomplete knowledge of, with the mistaken assumption that he knows more about it than the person he’s talking to does.”

Ladies, you might be familiar with mansplaining if you’ve ever bought strings at a guitar store, watched a sporting match, or discussed anything related to cars, electronics, or grilling. Opportunities for mansplaining abound.

My recommendation: Make it clear that not only do you know this information already, but you’d really like them to stop. Try this: “I’m really familiar with (insert topic here) and I don’t need any more information. Thanks anyway.”

Case #7: The Personal Space Invader

You’re standing on the subway, or in the check-out line, or at the club, and someone’s body is too close for comfort. Maybe it’s intentional, which is creepy. Perhaps they aren’t aware of the space they’re occupying. Regardless, you’re not enjoying their front near your back / the smell of their breath / their odor.

It’s time to set a boundary.

My recommendation: “Excuse me, could you please move back and give me some space? Thanks.”

Case #8: “Can I Have Your Number?”

You’ve been chatting with a stranger, Bob, for a few minutes. As he gets up to leave, he asks for your number. You’re not into it.

This circumstance tends to elicit boundary-white-lies, such as “Sorry, but I have a partner,” or “Oh, I don’t give out my phone number to strangers.”

I understand that white lies might be your most comfortable entry point into boundary-setting. I am, at heart, a boundary-setting pragmatist. That said, when you’re ready, experiment with a firmer approach. It might be scary, but it will certainly be empowering.

My recommendation: “I’ve enjoyed chatting with you, but I’m not going to give you my number. Have a nice rest of your day!”

Bringing Boundaries To Life

By now you’ve probably realized that, in each of the cases above, the words you can use to set boundaries are pretty straightforward. It’s actually saying them that’s the hard part.

With this toolbox of phrases in hand, you can bring these boundaries to life using three simple steps:

Step 1: Practice Boundary-Setting Aloud.

Many of us have never fathomed speaking up this directly. Our ability to boundary-set is just like any other skill: it takes time, effort, and practice.

In the comfort of your own home, practice stating your boundaries aloud. Get used to wrapping your tongue around the words. Consider standing in front of a mirror and using a firm, confident tone.

At first, it will be uncomfortable and strange—guaranteed. You may find yourself worrying about being “mean,” “rude,” or “harsh.”

These reactions are totally normal and totally surmountable. Practicing your boundaries alone makes them easier to retrieve when you’re feeling burdened by the tension of an uncomfortable situation.

Step 2: Role Play With Your Friends. (Yes, Really.)

Once you’ve developed an arsenal of failsafe boundary phrases, practice with a friend or two.

Give each other feedback. Tell your friend when she sounds overly apologetic. (“Stand in your power, girlfriend!”) Tell your friend when she’s sounding like a huge, mean jerk (“Okay, maybe take that down a notch.”) Have fun with it.

If you want to uplevel your boundary-setting game, ask your friends to push back against your boundary. (Psychologist Harriet Lerner refers to this as a countermove: a “change back!” reaction.) Practice re-asserting yourself in the face of annoyed reactions. This way, when you begin setting these boundaries out and about, it will feel natural and familiar.

Step 3: Practice.

As with all new skills, don’t expect perfection immediately. Your first few boundaries in the real world might be clunky, awkward, or embarrassing. Maybe you’ll speak too quietly and the offender won’t be able to hear you. Maybe you’ll boil over in rage and feel terribly guilty afterwards.

All of this is normal. Be patient with yourself as you strengthen your boundary-setting muscle.

P.S.: What About Silence?

Is silence ever an effective form of boundary-setting? To answer this question I like to refer to writer Courtnery J Burg’s take, which she published on Instagram this year. She writes,

“I’m all about boundary work. But sometimes the healthiest, best way to keep your sanity is to just walk away. To not respond. To not answer that text or that call. Sometimes the answer is no answer at all. This isn’t the same as avoiding. It’s acknowledging what is yours to carry + what isn’t. It’s remembering that not all situations must be handled with delicate gloves and deep, heartfelt energy. That occasionally, no response CAN BE your response and that you have nothing to feel guilty for and no one to explain yourself to for it.”

Generally, I advocate verbal boundaries because 1) they’re most effective, 2) I spent many years trying to be “good” and “quiet” and I’m rebelling, and 3) they’re a great way to practice your boundary-setting muscle. However, certain awkward situations with strangers are most effectively curtailed with silence.

As a rule of thumb, I use silence as a boundary with:

Catcallers. Silence or the middle finger tends to do the trick.

Strangers who message me insistently through social media. Most folks with public social media profiles will occasionally receive a deluge of creepy messages from strangers. Don’t engage. Block the account.

Arguers. Suppose I set a firm boundary and the stranger argues my point — asking me “Why?”, urging me to reconsider, etc. You do not owe a stranger any justifications or explanations. Your work is done.

With time, boundaries that once felt impossible or too-awkward to assert will be second-nature. By practicing this skill of verbal self-defense, you will give yourself the gift of moving confidently and powerfully through the world. You deserve it!

This post courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

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ndrmag · 6 years

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Contributor Interview with Carol Guess and Aimee Parkison

Carol Guess is the author of numerous books of poetry and prose, including Darling Endangered, Doll Studies: Forensics, and Tinderbox Lawn. In 2014 she was awarded the Philolexian Award for Distinguished Literary Achievement by Columbia University. She teaches in the MFA program at Western Washington University.

Aimee Parkison is the author of Refrigerated Music for a Gleaming Woman, which won the FC2 Catherine Doctorow Innovative Fiction Prize. She is the director of the Creative Writing Program at Oklahoma State University and has published four books of fiction.

In your cover letter, you said “Girl in Dog House” is part of a larger manuscript comprising “stories about girls in captivity and confinement.” What did you discover about this story and the manuscript’s themes through the writing process? How do you see this story in conversation with the others?

Aimee Parkison: In many ways, women are confined and held captive by society. The deeper Carol and I went into the project, the more I was surprised to see how many different types of captivity our characters (the “girls”) were dealing with — the captivity of victimhood, the captivity of the body, the captivity of the law, the captivity of stereotypes, the captivity of romantic love, the captivity of self-image, just to name a few. All these captivities revealed themselves in real and surreal ways, both metaphorical and literal.

Carol Guess: Aimee’s absolutely right — this project felt like digging a hole and watching the ground around it crumble. Everything just began sliding into these stories; the question literally became what to leave out. What elements of women’s lives aren’t confined? What does freedom look like? I think towards the end of the project we were asking that question. Maybe that’s the basis for our next collaboration!

I’m pretty sure this is the first collaborative story NDR has ever published. What struggles did you encounter that have been unique to the co-authoring process? How did you overcome them? What did you learn?

AP: This project was my first experience with collaboration in fiction. I’ve written a screenplay as a collaboration before, but never a book of fiction. Both times, the process was fun and exciting, magically disappearing that very stressful/sad part of writing, which is a feeling of being alone and on your own in a vacuum. Collaboration doesn’t allow for that sort of isolation, since there is so much friendship and fun to be had in discovering how your collaborator inspires you to create in new ways, sort of the merging of two minds, which always produces something different than a single mind would.

It reminds me of what the surrealists used to say about creating art — that art should be made by all, that art relies on the creative unconscious, and that every group has it own creative unconscious. Group creative unconscious is true for collaboration.

But, there are struggles unique to co-authoring. There has to be a lot of trust, and you have to learn what works and what doesn’t as a team.

One of the biggest challenges in any collaborations is figuring out the rules and rhythms of the process. Carol and I started out by brainstorming about the creative concept of the book, and then we agreed on some basic “rules” of the process. Carol was great with this aspect of setting up boundaries, which allowed for maximum respect and creative freedom, since she has had so much experience in writing books collaboratively. So, I’ll let her talk about those rules and the process, as well as the foundation to setting some boundaries while allowing for creative freedom.

CG: Thanks, Aimee! First let me say what a great collaborator Aimee is, and what a wonderful friendship we forged out of this process.

I’ve written a number of books in collaboration. There’s no one way to work; I make it up as I go. Flexibility is the most important rule as you adjust to each other’s unexpected strengths and weaknesses. However, these are some typical ground rules:

— Start with a clear project, including structure or theme, so you’re writing toward the same goal. — Determine whether you’ll co-write each piece (writing half and passing it along), or write call-and-response pieces individually, or craft your own method. — Leave each other’s words alone (unless something you do to a piece requires revising earlier material for consistency and voice). — Treat your collaborator as a peer and expect to be treated as a peer. Remember that you’re not editing or critiquing each other. No one is giving or getting advice. — Share expectations about time and process up front. For example, if you write really fast or need extra time, say so, and decide how you will proceed in advance. — Be playful. Set challenges, leave lines and characters open enough that your collaborator has somewhere to go. Don’t hand them a locked box. What you give and receive should be really strong, but also have an unfinished quality, so you can finish each other’s sentences. Take turns being the person to start and finish things, because those are very different strengths. — Be supportive. You are not in competition; their success is your success, and their challenges are your challenges. You aren’t trying to beat this person; you’re in it together. — Determine pragmatic rules for things like sending out work, ownership of individual pieces inspired by the project, goals that signal success, and things you disagree with.

Presenting the hoarded cats and dogs right at the beginning makes for such an effectively disquieting start to the story. But, in addition to how arresting these images are, they also connote themes that become imperative to the story: vulnerability, confinement, separation and cruelty. How do you go about developing such striking, multivalent images?

AP: This particular story was a call-and-response process piece. (Carol and I had many ways of writing the material for our book—some pieces as solo works, some pieces as call-and-response works where one of us would send a beginning to the other to finish, and other pieces emerging as something in between.) I started “Girl in Dog House” with pet hoarding and the puppy holes and then sent it to Carol and was (as always) surprised by the direction she took it. When I started with the pet hoarding, I wrote it as a strange trait, but slightly endearing in its longing for connection, even if confining to the pets and the person. Carol brought a deeper twist when she connected the idea of pet hoarding to the sort of isolation and cruelty that leads to violence.

The narrator feels largely disconnected from her parents and other people in her community, barring Sadie. But, in opposition to the "damaged girl" trope, the story doesn't portray the narrator as overly helpless or victimized. What advice would you give to writers interested in depicting girlhood, particularly in relation to girls navigating a society that is oftentimes hostile to them?

AP: Writers can avoid melodrama and sentimentality by remembering that all people, even “damaged girls,” have power and agency. Not everyone who is victimized has to live her life as a victim, but society’s hostility to certain women and girls is part of a cultural reality that involves many complicated realms of feeling, being, seeing, and surviving. This is why such stories are necessary.

CG: When we began this project, we couldn’t anticipate the power of the “Me, too” movement — speaking only for myself, I’ve found it empowering to watch women speaking out and claiming agency. It’s true, the movement has mostly opened the door for more privileged women and is often framed in the negative — often about the injustices men have done to women and less about women’s power, resilience, creativity, and agency. At times the “Me, too” framework ignores the voices and history of women of color, trans people, queer women, and cis male allies who have fought for so long. We need more context for what we see on the surface when we read articles about straight white cisgender female movies stars who have experienced abuse, but whose lives are nonetheless shaped by privilege. Still, I recognize our project in dialogue with this complicated historical moment, with the endlessly triggering headlines about men in power who have used privilege to coerce and control; with women speaking truth to power; with women and men telling stories of courage and resistance. And all of this is also in dialogue with the paradigm shift around gender happening in and beyond the queer community. And of course, our book speaks at every turn, not so much to “damaged girls,” but to our country’s victimization at the hands of a ruthless, abusive presidential administration determined to collect power and resources in the hands of a few, and willing to risk the lives of every living creature to do it.

This project started as a way to explore our mutual obsession with abducted girls. But it became so much more than that. I feel (again, speaking for myself) captive and confined by President Trump and the straight white cisgender men who surround him, who protect him, who enable his violence and his unbridled power to trample human and nonhuman rights; to destroy the environment; to warp the meaning of the constitution. For me, confinement now means something entirely different than it did a year ago. And it’s no longer just about girls, but about humans and animals and even plants. Yesterday I read a heartbreaking article about a woman whose horse burned to death in one of the California wildfires. This is about every living creature on the planet; we are literally burning to death. I can’t overstate the terror of this political moment, and the way that shaped, for me, writing these stories.

I'm especially interested in Sadie's role in the story, how she is the only character that has any intimate contact with the narrator sleeping "head-toe on the sofa." Additionally, she is integral in the story's violence, teaching the narrator to shoot and binge watching "the bloodiest shows on tv" with her. What did you hope to accomplish in creating her character? How did you go about balancing the violence and tenderness?

CG: Thanks for picking up on the importance of Sadie’s character. You answer the question yourself when you say, “balancing violence and tenderness;” that was my goal with Sadie. I tried to let her be an ambiguous character; my vision of Sadie is that she’s a mentor, a guide for the narrator. She’s a safe and healthy adult. As I intended it, Sadie isn’t actually teaching her to shoot; Sadie’s just teaching her to brush her teeth. But the narrator puts Sadie in with the other, dangerous adults because she doesn’t know how to engage with someone who actually shows tenderness. However, I wanted it to be possible to read Sadie as dangerous, too — as the person who would push the narrator toward violence. The other adults (the mom, the dad) are dangerous because they’re neglecting their child. They aren’t actively dangerous; they’re passive, neglectful and careless, with potentially deadly results. Like keeping guns in the house that a child could easily access. Like ignoring her distress.

With Sadie, the narrator experiences compassion and warmth (and yes, she’s the only person showing the narrator any physical affection). But there’s this hint that maybe Sadie is also the only active adult in the narrator’s world, and might lead the narrator astray. I tried to create two Sadies: one dangerous, potentially pushing the narrator into violence; and one loving and compassionate, who the narrator feels safe with, but can’t fully understand. Is the narrator in danger with Sadie, too? Is Sadie really teaching her to shoot a gun, saying aim to kill? Or is Sadie joking around with an electric toothbrush, unaware that the narrator has access to guns? Does the narrator see safety and cast it in violent terms (e.g. sees the electric toothbrush as a weapon) because she’s never known anything else? And this goes back to Aimee’s genius in writing puppies into the walls – what’s real and what’s magical? What’s actually happening? We tried with most of the stories to create multiple levels of interpretation, both a literal level (often representing abuse and danger) and a magical level (where nothing is as it seems). In this way we called on fairy tales and fables, as well as magical realist writers who have long used the genre to represent cultural and political critiques.

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