#life has sucked hard

[feroluce]

NO OK BUT I'M STILL NOT OVER BOOTHILL AND DAN HENG AND THE JADE ABACUS IN ENA'S DREAM!!!!!

For some extra context, I have a whole henghill manifesto I wrote over here, but the tl;dr is that Dan Heng decides to use the Jade Abacus of Allying Oath to save the Express Crew the first time. Boothill urges him to think it over carefully, but he doesn't stop him. And then, the second time Dan Heng decides to use it, we get this instead:

And just! That's so!! so!!!

Because like. We see in the first battle against Sunday that that Jade Abacus is effective, like we really do just get an entire army lead by a whole-ass Emanator of The Hunt right to our location and ready to fuck shit up. It's important. It's incredibly valuable. That is a huge amount of power to hold in the palm of one's hand.

But Tiernan's relic works the same way.

Galaxy Rangers are terribly dangerous. Boothill comments on this when discussing Acheron's motives, because he can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to get The Hunt on their asses. They're considered to be on a level even above The Annihilation Gang.

And now, with the burial relic, he has a way to get thousands of them, almost immediately, and all in one place.

And you can't tell me that wouldn't be something extremely useful to Boothill, like literally life-saving. He's wanted by the IPC. He makes his living as a bounty hunter. His whole driving motivation in life right now is to do whatever he can, up to and including throwing away his own human body, to ruthlessly hunt down one man and kill him in revenge. Like that has to be dangerous, the IPC is a massive entity with far-reaching influence and money and power and weaponry. He surely must have already had some close calls.

Like can you imagine it? Galaxy Rangers are solitary creatures. If Boothill were to find himself near death, he would probably be all alone. Do you think he had regrets? Did he wonder if anyone would find his own burial relic? Did it feel the same way it did when they melted his flesh, replaced it with metal? Did he lay there with his vision slowly blacking out until he thought of home, and family, and the little daughter who he never even got to hear her first word, until he was so full of fury that he could prop himself up on his rage like a crutch and find help?

Tiernan's relic would have been like a get-out-of-jail-free card. Just for one time, no matter where Boothill was, someone would find him. The Galaxy Rangers aren't sociable or organized between themselves, but they help their own. Someone would save him.

He chooses to give all of that up to help Dan Heng.

And I just cannot get over it, especially the wording of it, the pause before he speaks, the gentle way he tells him to hold onto his once-in-a-lifetime treasure...!! He wants Dan Heng to leave this to him! He wants him to keep this precious item that will help him save his companions again in the future! And maybe it's just...wishful thinking, me reading too much into it? But I mean. Just the way he says it...

I really do think it comes from a place of deep kinship and respect. That there's a lot of thought and feeling behind that statement. Something from one Pathstrider of The Hunt to another. Boothill fought for his home and his family, he fought really really hard! But. Sometimes that just doesn't matter. And now he's watching Dan Heng fight for his, too.

When he made that decision the first time, Dan Heng was in the parlor car of the Astral Express. He was completely removed from any danger. He could have chosen to get the hell out of Dodge and not look back. Obviously we know he would never even consider such a thing, but it was technically an option, and Boothill watched him decide to go back into the proverbial lion's den for his friends anyway. And I'm sure that was part of what sealed his decision, to later use Tiernan's relic instead of the Jade Abacus to summon enough people to disrupt Ena's Dream. Because he greatly values ideas like righteousness and justice and saving people, and Dan Heng so beautifully embodies all of that and then some.

Boothill doesn't have people to protect anymore, only ghosts to avenge.

And there is just something so endlessly endearing about him wanting to help Dan Heng, to make sure his friend doesn't go through that the way he did.

#honkai star rail #henghill #boothill #dan heng #hsr #hsr boothill #hsr dan heng #bootheng #I feel like I'm just repeating myself a bunch and not saying anything orz #spinning my tires #do you get me. do you feel me. #do you understand my vision #does the blood in your mouth taste the same as mine. #I'm frothing at the mouth over here Hoyo how dare you get me so into a ship OTL #there are few things that get me in the heart so hard as 'character loses everything and uses it to make sure no one else goes through that #just #ARGH #Because Dan Heng has suffered so much in his life but it's never been this specific kind of loss. #He never had any kind of family to lose in the first place. He didn't until Himeko took him in. #But Boothill has been through all that and it sucked and he already really likes and relates to Dan Heng. #they're like two goofy little peas in a pod haha #so of course he wants to protect him #How could his heart not be swayed by him?

[hajihiko]

One of my VERY favourite ideas is when like. Family is supposed to look out for you, in theory, but they don't. And you just get used to that, you look out for yourself, etc. But then you meet the people who have no obligation to look out for you, but consistently choose to, and they pick up the slack you didn't realize was there. And it's just obvious to them. Of course I'd do that, in what world would I not?

#I'm projecting so hard onto the survivors rn #All their families SUCK but they belatedly get so much love from their peers and it's so overwhelming! #'I dont care that people touch me when I dont want them to' 'I care.' #'My personhood has always been second place' 'not to me!!' #'I never live up to what people expect' 'I like you as you are' #'I assume people will turn on me or hurt me' 'if they do I'll kick their ass' #And FINALLY: 'I'm nothing as myself.' 'You're everything to us' #ITS EMOTIONAL HOURS AND ITS ACTUALLY VERY HEALTHY FOR ME TO ENGAGE IN THAT SO EXCUSE ME #Not an art #I am so consistently lucky with the people in my life its drives me insane

[kyouka-supremacy]

Yeah, Teruko was the one that made me realize the sexisim that existed in BSD when I first binged it. Or, more accurate, what TYPE we're dealing with. The female characters can exist and have their own moments, but they can never outshine the male characters and Asagiri can also allow himself to forget them if he needs to. When I read Stormbringer, one of the things that stood out to me is the fact that no female character has any prominent role until like, 200+ pages in, and what role Kouyou got was so minimal she might as well not have shown up at all. Yosano has a huge important backstory that doesn't become relevant until SEASON 4 while most of her male companions have had theirs explored way before her. It's disappointing, but I genuinely find Teruko intolerable and find her to be the worst written character in the entire series. It's not her fault, but her behaviour around Fukuchi and her ability was just horrid to me. Her ending here just enhances all the issues that already existed in her character for me. She's the only female character in this series I can't stand and that SUCKS because I want to love them all, but Asagiri is making that mighty difficult when he pulls stuff like this :/

(´；ω；｀)

The almost complete lack of female characters is personally my greatest disincentive to reading Stormbringer (together with the lack of ss/kk. Discredit where it's due).

Teruko's role this whole doa arc has been.. Saddening? I feel all the hd have a lot of untapped potential; but whereas with Fukuchi and Tachihara and even Jouno it's like, you know what's their deal, there's so little we know about Teruko and Tetchou's motivations and backstory. And even when both had their occasional times to shine - I like Teruko's scenes in the Sky Casino arc! A lot! I think they make for a very cool character! -, there's the whole deal with Teruko in the airport arc which is just :/// Like, she's just there to move the plot forward. She was very pretty in chapter 105 and made me feel like she had some further insight in the whole picture, like she had taken a stand and had a motive, but in the end it was never elaborated on, and I'm very sorry for that. Way worse, she was exclusively delegated to the role of numbly moving the plot forward, which is just wholly unfortunate. Why did she let Atsushi go just like that, like, really?? Oftentimes women's role in this franchise is truly meaningless. I don't really care for what side she was going to take in the end, I just wish she was just handled more sensibility, more respectfully. But alas. Hoping she'll get some spotlight in the future, because I really like her.

I like Teruko! Like, I genuinely get where you're coming from, and your reasons for not liking her are very valid. To me it's more about straight-up ignoring some stuff I don't like (REALLY can't vibe with the Fukuchi worshipping, I find it quite gross to be honest) and emphasizing the aspects I do like. I like how she's unapologetically mean - honestly, not many female characters get to do that. She gets to be a villain -, but I also like how it's compensated with a very strong moral code and genuine intent to protect citizens. I love lots of her scenes in the Sky Casino arc: her interactions with Tachihara are funny and vaguely wholesome, her determination and resourcefulness to win over Sigma is so cool, and her reluctance to hurt citizens, and the scene where she stopped an aircraft with her bare hands!!!! Honestly, banger after banger after banger, looking back at it that's probably why I held such high expectations for her character. Despite personally wholly disagreeing with bsd's morale, even Teruko's enouncement of her Hobbesian principles is enjoyable for me, because it's quite rare to see a woman preach such realist, cynical worldviews; if anything, it's refreshing. I think her ability is super cool and original, I love it tons!! I really like her character design, too. I like how she's of the highest grade compared to all other hd members minus Fukuchi and I like how she can be childish and keep them in line at the same time. I like how more mature and savvy she looked in her latest airport arc appearances, how she looked tired of war on par with Fukuchi. I wish she was given more screentime and importance and agency, and I wish the mess of the last chapter didn't happen, but I like her personality.

On her ability, I think it's pretty cool, and neutrally problematic by its own; but I do agree that between Teruko having child appearances and being obsessed with a grown-up man, the whole Mori deal, Aya proposing to Kunikida in chapter 40, the chapter 107.5 page that left everyone perplexed and was only later on clarified by the anime, (and, regretfully, even how the Kyouka / Atsushi dynamics are framed in some of the earlier chapters), it creates a very distasteful pattern.

I really like Yosano's backstory (really. I've said it a lot of times before, but I think chapters 65-66 are the best written chapters in the whole manga.), but it's not like just because of two small chapters that center around a woman after 15 volumes of male spotlight bsd suddenly stops being sexist lol. And that's something I've already said before, but: Yosano's chapters are beautiful! But they don't really help empower female characters in this franchise. Yosano completely lacks agency in the story, which is FINE for the story on its own, yet in the context it simply does nothing but reinforce the fact that women can't be masters of their fate.

I also strongly agree with the fact that female characters are accurately written as to never outshine their male counterparts. As someone else has pointed out before, both Kyouka and Higuchi have respectively saved Atsushi and Akutagawa's lives (in Kyouka's case, multiple times), so why is it that Atsushi and Akutagawa don't serve them the same respect and admiration that they hold for them? The double standard is really blatant once you start seeing it.

I've written more on bsd's sexism here, if you'd like to check it out. Even though it's very important to read things critically and acknowledge franchises' faults, I still can't help but feel bad for spreading negativity (╥﹏╥) Here's to hoping the bsd writing of female characters will improve in the future!!

#I really get the frustration of disliking a female character but wanting to like them SO BAD because sis it's not their fault– #the author can't write women to save their life. #It happened to me with Lucy because the whole “Live‚ and save me from this place one day” deal was a very hard pill to swallow. #Which doubly sucked because I really felt stereotype of hating on a female character just because she gets in the way of your mlm ship ಥ_ಥ #teruko ōkura #bsd #bsd negativity #mine #people asks me stuff #4am has apparently become the prime time to answer asks lol

[deoidesign]

.

#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without' #I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk. #can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work... #for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well! #it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to. #but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end... #I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too. #but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk. #anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better. #but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much. #and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so... #I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better. #and I'm just crying because of all this combined. #I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

[princehoneytea]

sorry no art in a hot second... ive been really burnt out for a long time now and its been miserable, ive been looking for a normie job for ages so that i can make art something i do for myself again and i havent had much luck but.

i have good news now.

#YIPPEEEEEE #cant wait to see how this effects my relationship with my art #freelancing is hard. im excited to be creative for myself again #prince talks #ideally id want to work in the cartoon industry but its looking rough right now and im already having a hard enough time #but its never too late to try to achieve your dreams #so im just putting it on the backburner for now #have to take care of myself instead of being so worried about 'wasting my life' or whatever because its just making me miserable #LIFE HAS VALUE NO MATTER WHAT DAMMIT #oh btw i will still be taking comms i just wont be making it like. #my only source of income #bc that SUCKED. #i love doing comms. dont love how unstable it is

[chrisbangs]

i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸

#i'm not coming back but :') hello #i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk #i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure #life is weird :') #remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design #welp i won an award for my design thesis :') #jsjdjdkdkdkdj #turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂 #having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol #i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc #my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk #felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me?? #:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird #i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭 #now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend #time with them again and play games with them again :') #literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like #😭 #god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :') #my life is good... #???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS #wild af #even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me? #ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj #:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super ! #man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms 🥸👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live #:') anyway #i hope ppl on here are doing good 🫨🔨 #it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ✨

[animalsandskyyy]

I will forever stand by the thought that simply “being online” and consuming or even posting content, takes a completely different amount of energy than messaging or interacting with others online does.

but that’s something I had to train myself to acknowledge and learn. because it used to hurt and make me overthink when i’d message someone and they wouldn’t respond, but would still be active or posting. like I wouldn’t say that to them, but it overtook my thoughts.

then somehow I just stopped and realized- maybe they’re just tired. or maybe they’re scrolling on the phone in their 5 minutes of free time. maybe they’re in the middle of 3 conversations and are trying their best. maybe they’re in the middle of making a post and didn’t see your message. maybe they’re deep into searching a topic and can’t be distracted. or maybe they just don’t want to talk to you rn, and that’s perfectly okay and valid.

all that to say- it can still hurt sometimes, but giving people grace and thinking the best of them and their intentions, and sincerely hoping they do the same for you, makes life so much more enjoyable, and I highly recommend ♡

#is this a good take? Idk but it been in my mind A LOT lately #this was created by me having a really hard time messaging people back in a timely manner lately lol #but having energy to scroll and having to draft any posts I want to reblog #because I can’t reblog anything when I have unanswered messages because I feel bad and don’t want people to feel ignored. #hence my habit of ‘send message’ then going to my drafts and posting like 5 things lmao #because being ignored absolutely sucks #but it’s also fair and valid and sometimes social interaction is hard and takes too much brain energy #also I realized I really like thinking the best of people and their intentions (but in a safe and not naive way ofc) #and try not to take shit as personally- because everybody has shit happening in their life that’s consuming their energy #anyways that’s all #this will either go totally viral or make people mad at me idk #thank you and goodbye #also I have to respond to like 3 people before posting this lmao #grace is dramatic #grace is feeling unnecessarily insightful #online #online friends #social battery #social interaction #low energy #friends #long distance friendship #messaging #text #text post #personal text #shitpost #emotions #rambles #Tumblr

[aefensteorrra]

Going to Turkey soon and am quite (very) nervous because I have heat intolerance and every day it’s going to be at least 29 degrees with a uv index of 9 (which I have never experienced?? that can’t happen at this latitude). Everything I wear in summer is either linen or cotton so I know I’m okay on that front, I wear spf 50 every day in summer here anyway cause I’m ginger so will be very on top of that, got a hat, just have to buy a tonne of chewable electrolyte tablets… 🫡

#pots my beloathed. #have talked to my partner about this a lot because my pots getting worse and therefore getting the diagnosis has changed my life a lot #and I was like huh at what point do you think I call myself disabled #and they said a while ago. because it does disable me on the daily #and that is just kind of hard to wrap my head around #but uh yeah 21 degrees is my threshold for heat exhaustion no matter the precautions I take and it really sucks #I want so badly to enjoy summer but the whole season is such a battle #am thankful to live in a country where it’s light till gone 10pm so I *can* enjoy the sun w low uv #but that’s the 53rd parallel and I’m gonna be at the 36th parallel for a week 🥲 #I just want to be more excited about this holiday than like. genuinely scared for my health

[jinxofthedesert]

I recently got out of a toxic and unhealthy friendship on here. I had to be the one to end it; hopefully the other party decides to leave it be and not smear my name due to realizing it wasn't healthy and that I had to end it because of it.

Basically, if someone makes you start feeling like shit, from your life, to your goals, passion, and everything else, then it's not a rewarding friendship. And it's hard to sometimes see it in the moment. Because you want to think the best of peeps, especially ones you care about.

But sometimes the healthiest thing for You is to know when to put your foot down and end it, even if it hurts you and them. At the end of the day, you matter and what you're doing matters and no one has the right to make you feel shit for who you are when you're just living your life. Life is hard enough without adding peeps who make you feel that way or question how you live when, prior to them showing up, you were happy with all of it.

To anyone in a relationship or friendship like that, I hope, like me, you are able to take a stand and realize you deserve better.

I knew I was being manipulated but not how much until I talked to others close to me. I pray you all never have to experience such a thing because damn, you know you did the right thing, but feel so fucking guilty at the same time.

But your happiness matters. You matter. Please remember that.

#personal #me #had to make a post. it's been eating at me since I ended it #you feel so fucking guilty but know it was the right decision. #i feel happier and lighter #its weird cause I've met my closet friends on here who are so incredible and supportive and respectful and I am in return #so to have one spiral into....that....was hard. and hard to realize despite my stomach aching day after day trying to tell me that #this was a shit situation and I deserved better #if someone makes you feel like shit and makes you believe you deserve to feel that way: leave #just leave #block them #life is to damn short to share it with people who will only make it worse and and make you feel bad as a person #i have more self respect than that #and sometimes it's hard to tell cause I want peeps to get along and have a good time when I care for them #i like making peeps happy. it brings me joy. and I tend to do it naturally without thinking. #so it's hard to sometimes see when it's not healthy #i pray for anyone in a relationship/friendship like this #know you are worth it and no one has the right to make you feel like that. #when someone doesn't respect that you have a life and can't be there 24/7 and take it Personally when you can't....like no #I've had so many friendships on here that respect your time and realize messaging comes second maybe even third or fourth #and it sucks when the opposite happens and it just gets worse and worse. #And them using 'i used to be a therapist so I know you better then yourself' should never be an excuse for them putting you down EVER.

[fiftysevenacademics]

Yesterday, the physical therapist asked what my job was, so I told her, and she said, "That sounds like a dream job." "Yeah, it really is," I said and immediately felt like an even bigger asshole than I already know I am because I lowkey hate my job and overall am not very happy with my situation, even though I have no objective reason to be unhappy or hate it.

#though it does kind of suck that after switching careers and clawing my way up to this job #which is pretty close to the pinnacle of this line of work so anything else would be a big step down #that turns out i don't really enjoy it and have absolutely no ambition or desire for professional growth left #so i just gotta ride it out #and that's probably part of the reason I've fallen hard for a fandom again #i feel zero satisfaction with a really big part of my life and something has rushed in to fill the void #stuff you probably don't want to know but I'm telling you anyway #my stuff

[olgunny]

BUH

#these are so old #I want to kill the old rick in the second one he’s the reason I never posted this but I wanted too for so long dumb mother fucker. #old rick is so hard he’s so hard to draw I wish I could do it I’d be so annoying and terrible if I could you don’t understand #but these aren’t really anything anyway. they are for fun but I refused to post them if they weren’t together #I need to be more active but I’m scared. I’m drunk right now though so it’s okay(for rn) #god these really are old though. #like almost two years ? #i’m not me right now so i’m just saying fuck it two tears in the bucket and posting it #the top one is more important #I genuinely only think about the same like seven lisa characters i’m so sorry #going on four years strong #‘new’ job sucking the life out of me #wah #lisa rpg #richard weeks #ricks character has done such irreparable damage to me #not in the fun way im in hell #he’s my betty boop #IM GOING to play sonic generations now goodbaba maybe sonic unleashed(wii) goodbye #I can’t draw I do this to keep my mind sedated sorry #maybe sonic maina #HAPPY 5AM!!!!!!!!!! #:)

[fizzingwizard]

dear internet stop throwing pictures of beautifully toasted bagels slathered in cream cheese at me i don't have a toaster i don't have room in my teeny kitchenette for a toaster a toaster is a luxury here in japan as are bagels as is cream cheese

bagel places here that ask me "do you want that heated up" make me want to cry tears of joy even though all they mean is they're gonna stick the bagel in the microwave for ten seconds so it's slightly warm-ish but not enough to crisp up or melt the cream cheese a little

#food #closest bagel place to me has two options blueberry bagel or white choco chip #its fortunate that i love blueberry but anyway that shows the general mindset towards bagels here they're sweet snacks more or less #hard to find everything bagel or onion bagel etc #i havent been home since before covid but my primary reason for wanting to is i neeeed a nyc bagel #and real mac n cheese and real grilled cheese #and pasta that isnt spaghetti with something something cream sauce #oh and i really miss american bbq which means it sucks that i'll be going home in winter bahahaha #never expected to stay here as long as i have but otoh food cravings aside what real motivation do i have to live in the us #obvs my parents and i do want to see them and wish we could live close #but as for life in the us itself... living here is so far a lot easier in a multitude of ways #the biggest downside is my being a foreigner. gotta reapply for that visa every few years #and even though i speak japanese every day the business-style japanese of workplaces is totally different so im limited in terms of jobs #aaaand when im home in the us i have the opposite problem... i miss japan and japanese food instead xP #why cant i teleport that'd solve everything #fizz's life #why are people reblogging this??? X'D

[guinevereslancelot]

i'm so sick of cynicism!!! i'm so sick of everyone being too edgy to care or feel or believe in anything earnestly!!!! i'm so sick of it!!!! it's not cool to pretend to be so jaded and unaffected by everything that you risk nothing!!!! stop trying to be too cool for happiness and hope and love and living!!!! your reward is bitterness and misery!!! it's spring and we're healing!!!!!

#i am trying so so hard to have hope and believe in things #i refuse to suck the joy out of my life on purpose #maybe i will never find romance maybe i will never fall in love maybe all my friends DO secretly hate me and we're born to suffer #but what if i live and i love and i find joy and meaning in life anyway #what then #what if the worst comes to pass and i never fall in love and i go blind and lose all my friends but i still have my family #and i get a job that's fulfilling and i make new friends and i adopt a child and have my own family and i find new ways to experience beauty #what if every bad thing that happens or could happen isn't the worst thing that could happen #im fighting for my life against bitterness and cynicism and it just shows me how romanticized it is and how ingrained in our culture #being too cool for genuine emotions and hope won't save you #sorry for liveblogging my breakdown but today its an optimistic breakdown #this has been a shitpost

[rosyjuly]

i was about to make a post about how i'm not fit for human society and then i remembered i have forgotten to take my meds two days in a row.

#:I #sorry i know i've been making a lot pof posts about how life is hard and terrible #a lot of shit has been going on in my life and they suck individually too but together? ohhhh boy #i'm on a mental health break from work and i'm just rotting away #fucking skipped my art class today to clean my flat before i travel. you think i cleaned anything? nope #i was looking forward to showing my stuff to the teacher so obviously had to shoot myself in the foot. #nooooo idea how i'm going to get back to work next tuesday and get through literally six hours of meetings #including a feedback sesh. like at this point i genuinely hope they fire me. i can't deal with this kindness man

[redactedasset]

i can’t count how many times I’ve listened to imp!vega’s puppy ba

#yes sir i’ll suck you so hard #i need to suck the life out of him #he has no life anymore #redacted audio #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redacted vega #redacted pet

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side