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andythelemon · 3 months

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Life update 2024

Hey everyone! It’s been a while since I last wrote anything of substance here. How time flies! Happy new year, happy year of the dragon! I hope this one is kind and auspicious for you all.

I'll admit to falling off the art train terribly for most of 2023. I barely drew; a lot of things I posted were older pieces for projects I couldn't share at the time. I think I speak for most of us when I say it's not been a great time for art collectively; growing frustrations with social media and despair at the state of current global affairs leaves little room for creative inspiration. I know many artist friends of mine are in the same boat. There's little one can do except plod on and hope for better times ahead, I guess? I'll do my best regardless!

Having said that, I did have a major touch-grass-normie arc offline, and as wild as it was, I'm glad I invested time and energy into that area of my life. After the lockdown years of terminal-onlineness, it felt great to do things that were not related to fandom at all, to have new experiences, to make new friends, reconnect with old ones, see new things. It was funny and terrifying all at once. I truly felt like a shonen and shojo protagonist (we will not go into details of the love triangle situation, IYKYK!). There were ups and downs, sadness and laughter, but that's part of life. I'm grateful for all that's happened and am a better, wiser, more mature person because of it. This past year taught me it's not about categorizing life's happenings into a basic good/bad dichotomy, but more learning from each experience and acknowledging we are wiser and grateful for having weathered what's thrown our way. Character development!

The universe has a way of working things out... so at the end of 2023, I had the opportunity to travel for 3 months. After hopping around the East Coast, Milan, various bits of Japan and a beach break in sunny Egypt, I've returned home with a renewed vigor for living my best life again. It was a joy to hang out with various artist friends in person and meet some of you at ANYC. I'll cherish every second of my travels and hope we can meet again soon!

I did fall off the nerd bandwagon for a while, so I gotta get back into the various anime on air! I've been watching Magi in my own time... such a guilty pleasure, but so many things await, including catching up on JJK S2, BSD, and everything else. Just goes to show my deep love for adventure, friendship-fuelled stories keeps me going. No promises on what this year holds art wise, but I'll continue trying hard and sharing what I can, as well as the usual self-indulgent group projects.

Thanks as always for the kind support and for sticking around. This blog is 12 this year... crazy, huh? See you on the other side!

#tp #shut up andy

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fairycosmos · 1 month

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I'm sorry to do this bc I know you get so many ppl venting and you have your own shit to deal with and yet ppl on here constantly implicitly ask you to console them which is incredibly emotionally labour intensive. However all that being said. I found out my cat who is 9 but is very young looking and active and shows no sign of pain or suffering has large cell lymphoma (general prognosis 6-9 months) and I'm literally broken. She's my best friend. I've been through years where I've had no friends but I've always had her and she's everything to me and I've known a lot of cats who live to late teens so I had expected that for her and this has come out of nowhere and is just so soul destroying because she is my whole world and I love her so so much. she's literally saved my life (have been at the point of kms so many times but didn't for her) and now she probably wont be here next year and I don't know how to keep existing without her and I didn't know who else to tell. I really appreciate your kind and honest presence on this site it's very cleansing and healing and ik this is a parasocial thing to say/feel but you are like a friend to so many. so thanks. even just having a space to say this stuff is invaluable. You have helped and comforted and offered love and insight to so many people despite your own suffering. Much love to you, I hope the universe treats you with lots of kindness going forward.

i am so so sorry to hear this - sometimes i honestly can't believe how cruel life can be. i wish there was something tangible i could say that would make a change to what you're feeling but my experience with grief (all types of grief esp preemptive grief like what you're dealing with) has proven to me that words often ring hollow when you're going through it. i do want to offer some understanding and some comfort despite that, i just know it may be hard for you to register right now and that's alright. losing a pet is so so deeply painful and it's completely normal to be devastated and taken aback by this news - anyone would be. at the same time it sounds like your cat is deeply lucky to have you and to be loved so completely by someone. while what you're both going through is horrific, i am so glad she has you to take care of her and that she ended up having a wonderful life with you - the gift you have given her and continue to give her every day just by being her owner is huge and i hope you continue to remind yourself that as you confront there next few months. she is warm and fed and taken care of and she has the best chance of living longer with her condition bc of the care and love you continue to show her. i know this is much much easier said than done but please try to take it one day at a time and make every moment count with her - it's easy to get lost in the idea of losing her but she is still here and you still have time together, albeit not as much time as you both deserve. i can't stand how much of a gamble of luck everything seems to be and how horrible things happen to ppl and animals who truly deserve so much more - that anger, despair and incredulity still hits me day after day and i feel it very hard on your behalf rn. you have every right in the world to process that sense of feeling like your soul has been destroyed on whatever timeline works for you. as long as you continue to move forward, hour to hour or minute to minute despite it all.

are you able to talk to any friends/family about this? i only ask bc pet loss is one of the hardest things in the world to go through and i think having some sort of super system could make the days feel a little more manageable. if not, please feel free to message me and share updates, stories, vents etc about your cat and how you're doing - i lost my childhood dog a few yrs back and i do understand. it's such a heavy feeling to carry around with you all the time. i would also recommend joining a pet loss support group as another option too, bc so so many people sadly completely get what youre going through. i hope your little girl is doing OK today and that you are taking care of yourself as much as you feel able to as you process this news. if you need to break down, go to sleep, scream, punch pillows, be numb - that's alright. there's no wrong way to react to this. i just hope you give yourself some grace as you do. sending so so much love to you both - and thank you so much for the insanely kind words by the way. you didn't have to say that and it really made my night better that you did. so sorry you're in this position. X

#anon #ask chloe

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onovnii · 2 years

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Can we get headcanons of soft moments with Kakyoin and his s/o?

soft moments with him | noriaki kakyoin

— short collection of intimate moments shared between kakyoin and his s/o.

feat. noriaki kakyoin x gn!reader cw/tws. established relationship — light part 3 spoilers , not beta read we die like men (i think y’all are used to that by now) reader was briefly under dio’s influence , mostly just fluff!! note. i have a sort of soft spot for kakyoin, so i ended up writing wayyy more than i should’ve... i wanted to add more but i already reached 1k words on this,, hope you enjoy either way!! :)

m.list.

this takes place during the events of stardust crusaders.

the trip through egypt was a grueling one, enemy stand users attacking the group from left and right, popping up at unexpected times and usually leaving them bloodied and bruised; but kakyoin knew that, he knew very well how hard the experience would be when he offered himself to join. but that never did stop him from worrying about the crusader’s newest member, you.

you had been put in a similar situation as he, a mindless zombie controlled by one of DIO’s flesh buds. when kakyoin had noticed you were a student just like him, he couldn’t help but feel a little sympathetic towards you. knowing DIO, you probably were put in a situation just like him; you more than likely felt the same fear as he did once.

when jotaro had saved you from the flesh bud, you had asked them if you could come along to repay them for their kindness; much like how kakyoin did weeks prior. despite how similar you two seemed to be, kakyoin noticed what had made you both different from one another. even though you were just under the control of DIO, your eyes showed no fright. they burned with determination and passion. everyone in the group could see that you weren’t held back by fear.

kakyoin admired you for it, honestly. maybe that’s the very same reason you both have gotten so close….

noriaki kakyoin.

▸ kakyoin knew very well that you could take care of yourself, he’s seen you fight and he’s nearly lost his life at your hands. even so, his worry doesn’t cease whenever a stand user makes themselves present. without thinking, kakyoin would pull you closer to him. maybe even stretch out an arm in front of you. kakyoin was usually in the rear end when fights occurred, since he’s long ranged. which means he’ll always look out for you from behind, making sure any blind spots you may have are protected with all he has. after a fight, kakyoin is the first one to check up on you, barely trying to hide his concern.

“are you alright?” he’d say while his eyes scan over your body. if he spots any cuts or blood, his eyes soften and he lets out a light laugh.

“you should be more careful, don’t want to end up losing you” he’d tease, pulling you back into the hotel so he could treat your wounds.

▸ when your group manages to find a decent hotel, you kakyoin and jotaro are usually ones who room together. sometimes jotaro just ends up joining polnareff to give you guys space. either way, you and kakyoin end up sharing a bed. kakyoin’s very aware that the rough environment may cause you to be a little restless, so he tries his best to help on the nights you can’t sleep.

▸ if it’s okay with you, he’ll pull you closer to him. hands tracing soothing patterns against your clothed skin. he’ll talk to you, tell you about his life back at home, or something mildly amusing that had happened earlier that day. he’d tell you how his mother used this same technique when he was younger, talking to him until he fell asleep, how he always wanted to try it on someone else. or maybe even how glad he is to have found a sliver of joy in this otherwise hellish trip, you.

▸ his talking and his comforting touch would lull you back to sleep, barely remembering the whispered “I love you” and the kiss to your forehead. but if you asked about it the next morning, kakyoin would only smile and flick your forehead.

“you must be imagining things.”

▸ there’s a lot of quiet moments during the trip, especially in cars or waiting around in the hotels. nothing much would happen and DIO’s lackeys would be strangely quiet in their activities…. to pass the time, kakyoin would find himself fantasizing about how life would’ve been if he had met you in normal circumstances. or what he’d like to do when everything's all said and done. sometimes, he’d talk to you about these things over food. kakyoin would wake up early, look around the local town in the hopes of finding something you’d like. when he does, he excitedly waits for you to wake up.

“ah, you’re up. there’s a little something I'd like to show you, I found it while going out for a walk this morning. I think you’ll enjoy it” he’d smile sweetly, caressing your cheek with his thumb. you were still half awake and his words barely made any sense to you. chuckling, kakyoin leans down and kisses your cheek.

“just come downstairs in five, okay?”

▸ when you caught up with him, kakyoin quickly dragged you out to the town. assuring joseph and avdol that you two would be perfectly fine on your own, and if anything were to happen they’d alert them as soon as they could.

▸ the place kakyoin had found was a small café, most likely family owned in the middle of the town. it looked like it served French and Italian desserts, a little gimmick for the tourists roaming around. kakyoin smiled brightly when pointing it out, seeming way more happy about it than you probably. it was cute, seeing him so uncharacteristically happy about something so mediocre.

▸ when you both sat down and enjoyed your orders, kakyoin had took the time to admire you. you looked so cute with frosting messily spread on your cheeks.

“hey, look at me.” that was your only warning before kakyoin reached over and swiped the frosting with his thumb off your cheek. he retracted his hand back and licked the frosting off him with a wink.

“you’re such a messy eater, you know?” he laughed, mostly at your shocked and flustered expression. he quickly apologized for embarrassing you, adding something along the lines of ‘i just couldn’t help it’ at the end of it.

▸ this wouldn’t be a kakyoin piece without mentioning games in some way…. kakyoin barely has time to invest in his little hobby anymore, but he’s still a gamer at heart. at some point, he’d bring up an old video game he used to play back at home, asking if you’ve ever played or heard of it. if not, he’d promise to you that he’d play it with you once you all get back from Egypt. claiming that you’d never be able to beat him though, which only brings you even more determination to beat him at his own favorite games.

▸ kakyoin would also make a game of things if he’d notice you were getting bored. most of the time the other crusaders would join in on the fun, jotaro mostly watching from the side. (with a hidden smile). but if it were just the two of you, he’d make a silly little game of “who can get what the fastest” when joseph sent you both out to look for things. if you won, your reward was a sweet and chaste kiss to the lips. if kakyoin won, he’d demand you give him a kiss as well. either way, you’ll end up kissing him.

▸ speaking of, kakyoin enjoys kissing. maybe it’s cause he lacked that sort of physical affection growing up, but he enjoys spending his free time alone with you, cuddled up in his lap and pressing gentle kisses to his skin. honestly, he tends to forget about the whole “stopping DIO” agenda during moments like those. in his mind, time has stopped and only you and him exist in that current moment.

▸ he finds it quite amusing how you’re so entertained by his hair. always absentmindedly playing with his curls, twirling it around your finger or swiping at it like a cat. kakyoin doesn’t let many people touch his hair. but if it’s you? it just makes his day.

▸ kakyoin enjoys any affection you give him, even if you aren’t a very affectionate person he appreciates it all nonetheless. though, he can be a bit of an ass with it as well. he’d tease you about it constantly. kakyoin honestly loves to tease you now that i mention it, constantly poking fun at you and making light hearted jokes at you. he never takes it too far though.

▸ during the time he was hospitalized and partially blind, you had offered to stay behind with him until he had recovered fully. you didn’t want kakyoin to have to recover alone, you didn’t want him to be alone again. but kakyoin argued against it, he reassured you he’d be fine. he told you that he didn’t feel so alone anymore, he had friends to look forward to. and he still had you, his significant other. kakyoin kissed your hands and promised you that he’d catch up to you, no matter where you were, he’d come back to you.

©ONOVNII - valene <3

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danpuff-ao3 · 1 year

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Ending Mutuals March on a very special note. PI, @perverse-idyll, my longtime writing crush, and now my friend.

It was love at first sight when The White Road was first posted. I can't remember when I first read it, but it was around the time it was posted for sure. And I've read that fic every year since. At least once a year, if not more. By the time I read When the Rose and the Fire Are One I knew it was true love!

PI's stories have been deeply meaningful to me for a long time. And I have always admired her skill. Prose? Gorgeous, stunning, perfect. With great knowledge and great passion she strings words into gorgeous treasures. Raw stones left to their rough glory, or shaped and shined as needed. Not only a gifted wordsmith, but a wise and empathetic person who understands the human condition, and the complexities of emotion. Someone with great love for beloved characters, but also great understanding. Love born of understanding, which is everything I long for!

We love the same characters, and the same OTP. She does such justice to these characters, and their dynamic. She's always written Snarry exactly how I needed it. I have treasured her works for many years, and they have been my favorites for many years. Of course, in those earlier days I was much too shy to let her know just what her works meant to me.

Then, in recent years, I had my first interaction with PI. On Reddit, of places. I recced one of her fics and she responded to it which blew my mind a bit, since her Reddit name isn't perverse_idyll, lol! So...I tried to be chill, which if you know me, you know how hard that is! Me, but an overenthusiastic fangirl trying not to scare off her faves, haha! If I remember correctly, I finally set about drafting a comment on The White Road not long after that. Long overdue that one!

Then...time went on. During a very rough period with an old fandom group, I turned to PI's works for comfort. And in November 2021, the same month I left that old fandom group, PI's episode on @fanficmaverickpodcast (Ep. 25 interview) was released!

I was over the moon excited to listen to it! But the sort of excited that meant I couldn't dive in right away. I had to run around and squeal a bit and settle myself down in order to listen. It is a long episode, two and a half hours long, but well worth it! The host, ChaosBlue, is a dear friend of mine now, and a very professional and charming host. And perverse_idyll was a fantastic guest, with so much insight and enthusiasm for fandom and for writing. 10/10 recommend it. I ran around and shared the episode everywhere I could.

And then...Reddit. PI shared the episode on Reddit, with encouragement for others to reach out to ChaosBlue to do their own episode. And...I did! God, that's a whole other post in of itself and how amazing ChaosBlue is, but basically...I felt pretty audacious! I had to work myself up quite a bit to reach out. And as hard as it was to reach out, I don't think I'd have found the courage to even think about it without PI's little note. It both inspired and comforted me. And doing my own interview for the podcast was such a great (and terrifying!) experience that I'm glad I did. (See: ep. 32 Interview)

From there...it came over time. PI was so kind and supportive about my interview. I found the bravery to reach out to her directly at some point. And though she is quite the busy lady, she is always so giving of her time and energy in responding when she can! PI is such an encouraging, generous, compassionate, supportive spirit. One I feel very blessed to know. She has so much clear respect and admiration for other creators. So much love and dedication to fandom, however busy or wild life may be.

Other fandom experiences reminded me of why they say to never meet your heroes. But PI spared me from being too wary of folk. PI is an excellent reminder that, sometimes, the creators we admire are even better humans.

PI's works were so meaningful to me for so long. And PI as a person has just as much impact! Thank you for being my friend, PI. Thank you for everything that you do. Thank you for all that you give to fandom; for all that you create, and all the support you give. And thank you most of all for being there for me. And showing such kindness and gentleness in times I needed it most, whether you knew it or not.

Here's to you, my friend. Time for me to wipe my eyes and drop some recs! Maybe by the end we'll have forgotten what an emotional mess I am LOL.

The Afterlight

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Work in progress. Background case. Mutual pining. Friends with benefits. Denial of feelings. Angst. Hurt/comfort. Eventual happy ending.

Y'all cannot know how thrilled I was when PI posted a new fic. This one! And though it's only just begun, I already feel in my bones it will be a new favorite! PI as ever provides Snarry exactly the way I love it!

After surviving the Battle of Hogwarts, a long convalescence, and a short trial, Snape walks free and promptly vanishes from Wizarding society. Six years pass before he shows his face again. A lot can change in six years, and a romantically disillusioned and inebriated Harry hits Snape up for a friends-with-benefits arrangement. After all, they share an experience most people have never had: they both know what it's like to be dead. Their liaison works surprisingly well until Harry's reckless behaviour as an Auror leads to unethical practices and personal calamities, and things start to fall apart.

Candles Lit Against the Dark

Minerva/Wilhelmina. Minor Harry/Severus. Rated: G. Words: 13,585. Old friends. Postwar. Heavy drinking. Fond bickering. Snapecase 2023.

Many feelings. Very realistic and bittersweet. With all of the realism of life, for all of its rough edges, uneven paths, and the love found along the way.

It's been a few months since Minerva's retirement, and she'd promised Wil a dinner out. Before she knows it, friends start turning up on her doorstep and then at the pub, not least among them a certain spy who came in from the cold.

In Infinite Remorse of Soul | And Mine the Gall

Albus/Severus. Harry/Severus. Revenge. Obsession. D/s undertones. Afterlife. Incest (ish.) Dub-con. Twisted love.

I am obsessed. This is dark and fucky and weird and wonderful and gorgeous. The sequel, And Mine the Gall, features one of the lines that has most haunted out of every fic I've read. Love it love it love it!

Albus Dumbledore never makes the same mistake twice. Certainly not in love.

No Room for the Weak

Eileen POV. Rated: T. Words: 10,444. Dysfunctional family. Mindfuck. Pre-Snarry.

Love love love love love this. Some Snape family history. Eileen is great. Very fascinating look at the woman who bore and raised Severus.

There's a Boy Who Lived and a boy who didn't, and even a mother can't always tell them apart.

The Son

Regulus POV. Rated: T. Words: 5,422. Unhappy families.

First there were two sons. Then there was one.

Warm

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 11,323. PWP. Fluff & smut.

PWP feels wrong for this. So much sensuality and tenderness and good god the LOVE here. Also, I'm sorry, but Harry and Severus existing as themselves basically is plot, but I digress....PI says it's PWP so it's PWP. I'm not going to argue with her!

Severus still suffers the after-effects of Nagini's venom, especially in winter. Harry knows just how to warm him up.

When the Rose and the Fire Are One

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 81.619. Confinement. Dysfunctional Relationships. Spinner's End. Dubious consent. Sex magic.

Cool magic stuff. The best OC I've ever met (Odile, my beloved.) Ideas of Spinner's End and Eileen Snape that have lived in my head ever since. Big angst and fuckery. Great characters. Great relationship development. Everything is just...A+, chef's kiss, amazing.

Harry's haunted by guilt. Snape's warded by roses. Each must free the other in order to free himself.

The White Road

Lily POV. Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 47,877. Afterlife. Romance. Redemption. Voyeurism. Incestuous vibes.

Longtime favorite. One of the first fics that fully blew me away. I read this and thought "this does not belong on the internet, this belongs on a bookshelf."

One day, comfortably set up in the afterlife, Lily Evans Potter switches on the telly and gets hooked on the Harry Potter show.

for an explanation about Mutuals March, or to figure out why i wrote you a thing, please check out this post.

#mutuals march #perverse_idyll #i'm not crying you're crying #danpuff's fanstuff #fangirl shenanigans #fandom friends

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beenjen · 1 year

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These past weeks - and it is weeks, near on a month, because I had to look back - have been an exercise putting one foot in front of the other. I flag on what even to say, because it feels everything that comes out of my mouth is sad and I don’t want to be? It’s life though, so, honesty is the best policy? Who knows.

//mom was hospitalized for a small bowel obstruction. It was a super involved process where we had to rule out, as we did last year, a metastasis of her current cancer. It was such a suck if essence - I don’t know how else to say it. She was sick for a couple weeks before, was not forthright in her symptoms, was hospitalized on a Friday afternoon and spent the weekend.

It’s the first time I had to really poke my head up with my years of ICU experience and dictate her care and the steps we would be taking. I hesitate to ever share that I have the experience I do, because then people get super nervous about their performance and tend to steer clear, this group involved with her care though, embraced what I brought to the table, and we were able to institute a strict care plan and get her a$$ -no pun intended - on the go.

She’s home. Not had a great appetite, down to the 120s, and it’s take some Out of the box planning to get her revitalized. It’s been something.

\\ her follow up CT this week showed not only that the small bowel obstruction was gone, the previously spotted abdominal tumor was as well. That’s obviously incredible information, we are just so beat down with the perpetual bad news, none of us knows quite what to do with it. So, we persevere…. Will await some Other tests, and I may not ever be able to relax when it comes to moms monitoring. It’s been extensive. Hard. Traumatic.

//dads last biopsy through interventional radiology, was unable to produce a diagnostic result. He had a bronch this past week that was an attempt for more answers…. And it went over 2 hours, old colleagues coming out to talk to me, because apparently, everyone knows this is my dad, and the chief of the service came down to perform the tests…. It still was a no go… they are 50% positive even with cytology at bedside, we will know what we need to for diagnosis as the spots were very illusive - the bastards.

Fingers crossed we can get some answers. They outlined next steps in case we can’t, and that just sucks, because it means they had a much harder time than they lead on to…. So we wait.

\\it finally happened as well, that I missed something huge with all this stress. It was a big enough error I could have really put us in an awkward place, fortunately, it’s all worked out, and it’s still pending full resolution so I’m keeping my lips sealed.

\\shit hit the fan with my niece - again. This time, she is expelled from her school. It’s at least something everyone is taking seriously. She is getting the support she needs emotionally. We’ve had some tough talks with her parents, her, etc, that she is the person she is, and we are here to support that growth, not block it. It’s been good for my relationship with bro/S-I-l and it’s overdue. I guess the proof is in the pudding folks

//the back retaining wall deck has a foundation crack from the negative temps in December. Able to get that on the schedule for repair, some high dollars later and it’s a go. Just glad it’s not falling into the river as I adore that patio and c laughs when is at it’s why we bought this house - but it is friends.

//Lilith is in ballet and loving it. We take her to tour pre-k this weekend, and the kids will both be at the same place FINALLY. Amen.

//j is wanting to start drums and we are finding a local teacher. He’s doing excellent in school, aced an Einstein presentation. He’s awesome

// Found a yoga home.

//c is the best saved for last. With the stress of the past stretch. He’s stepped up time and time again. We butt heads as any couple, this past weekend expressly, when I messed up so hugely, he was unwavering, protective and encouraging. How is it possible after all these years, I keep finding I can lean more and more on him, that he has my back, that we are solid and it won’t change?

Real question for my relationship people? Is it a thing that you keep dipping deeper into your partners well and they just keep stepping up? That intimacy keeps unfolding like a flower or is it just me?

Down and dirty quick post about a lot of shit. Love you guys.

Blessed be friends xx

#down and dirty #long story long #east nashville #life #the daily grind.#more of the same

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ineveryspaceandtime · 4 months

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it's 2.5 hours to 2024, so here's a fun lil game to end the year, with a template i found on ig!

tagging: @a-reality-dream @mrsnarl @uhbasicallyjustmilex @subtle-as-an-earthquake @shineswithyou @depressedraisin @haemoglobinheights @daddy-long-legssss @ballad-of-what-could-have-been (if you're not tagged but would like to do it too, please do so! 💖)

i don't journal as much as i'd like to (new resolution perhaps?), so i'm taking this opportunity to reflect on some of the things i've checked off on this list below the cut!

tried new foods / travelled to a new place / went to the beach / went to the mountain / watched the sunrise / watched the sunset / dyed your hair

everything above i did when i travelled to Bali! we had a LOT of good food (ayam betutu my beloved <3), including a seafood dinner on a beach during sunset; and caught the sunrise from one of the higher points in Mount Batur. but the absolute best part of that trip was that i was with my sister, and though in all honesty i was terrified we'd end up arguing (because the third member of our party cancelled, and in my head i saw him as a buffer between my sister & me), we didn't—we had a peaceful time and it was just. pure fun 💕

made new friends / laughed a lot

this one is a little bit of a surprise, because i'm an introvert, but this year in my efforts to Be Brave and Ask Questions, i've approached one particular person (who isn't from my department) a number of times, and over the year we've shared a lot of laughter & good times. unfortunately this year was her last at our workplace, but she left me a lovely little note, which i will cherish forever, i'm not even exaggerating 🥺💗

finished a book

i finished 11 books this year (out of the 32 i'd hoped to have read. sobs), but i'm checking this one off the list because of one highly enjoyable experience of devouring a book in 2.5 hours while lazing in the pool on a unicorn floatie. (was i thinking about miles and his floaties the entire time? yes, yes i was)

went to a concert

i went to three this year! the one that's most special was the strokes, because 1) i'm a baby fan, and 2) i went during the busiest work week of the year. (i completed all my work ahead of time so i could fully enjoy myself!) the crowd was amazing, the vibes were immaculate, and i had the best time, even though i was vibing so hard i ended up spilling my drink down my own leg. it's also the concert where julian imitated alex. lol

gained weight

i'm the heaviest i've ever been, and i've accepted it as part of growing older (goodbye metabolism, you were so good to me). on the bright side, i think i might also be the fittest i've ever been!

danced

dancing w my favourite people before a concert, and seeing another initially subdued group noticing us & then letting loose was one of the top 5 experiences of the year for me tbh

made a big decision

i was asked sometime in october whether i'd like to join one of the key committees next year, and i told my boss that i'd like to take on the challenge, bc it was something i knew i would enjoy doing. even though it didn't work out in the end (because a new KP has just joined us, and her credentials are far better suited to the role), i'm glad i didn't immediately reject the offer, just because it would have meant more (and more difficult) work.

grieved

strangely, something i'm finding more difficult than grieving the people i've lost is grieving the life i might have had, even though the decision i made was one i knew to be right.

learned new skills

i had an idea to streamline some of our work processes, and i figured out how to do it all on my own. i love you online tutorials <3

if you've stuck around this far, gosh. why. also, love you <3

#i'm a dumbass who saw squares and. like a child my eyes immediately lit up and i began colouring them in #and only after i was done i realised that the top said 'cross only...' lol #lux.txt

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kkoct-ik · 11 months

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hi hi hi hi hi i am genuinely really interested in what you have to say about the rise of self-diagnosis among young people and would really love to hear your thoughts, it can be a private reply to this or even dm me if you don't want it in a PostTM i am genuinely so interested to hear what you have to say <3

it is far too late at night for someone to invoke my autism but ok . ok

(the post being referenced)

im prefacing by saying im speaking as a guy with a sociology special interest (im obsessed w how social groups work and develop) and as someone whos been in mental illness communities since he was far far too young. ive been through subcultures built around competitive suffering like a baby through a machine car wash and that has left its mark.

certain friends of mine will know that i am currently obsessed with how mental health communities have formed in the past few years. absolute explosions of mental disorder centric communities, hashtags, whatever.

what has really completely enamoured me though is that these communities... are not built around competitive suffering. in fact they're barely about mental disorders at all. there's been an explosion of mental illness subcultures where people bond over totally normal human experiences, because they mistakenly think its something particularly neurodiverse.

the current climate of the internet is one where misinformation and oversimplification is rampant. and from that, these social groups exist, based around these simplified models of mental disorders. it's absolutely no wonder why it's so common to see people 'disorder hoard'.

for starters, its easier now more than ever to be told something you experience is a symptom, and a sign you have a specific condition.

for seconds, once you've considered having a condition and meet people who have been misinformed similarly— bonding only over your shared condition— it's very hard to socialise outside that. very quickly this condition can be all you know about yourself. i know this step personally, as something i'm familiar with from competitive suffering subcultures.

evaluation? i'm not sure what to make of it. that's probably why im so intrigued. im glad it's not competitive suffering. yeah, teenagers are having their self perception and social skills whacked, but at least it isn't worse.

i consider calling these communities anti-recovery, but when the communities are only about ailment on a surface level? i'm not sure. it genuinely depends case by case, on what behaviour goes unchecked, what attitudes are internalised, and so on. no sweeping judgements here.

there are multitudes of reasons why press about mental illness is on the rise. genuinely worsening life conditions. more accessible information about potential problems one can face. but i think this niche is something that's overlooked, and it's one quite personal to me.

no conclusion really. i'm just really autistic about certain specific online subcultures. thanks for asking lol

#ask #rbs turned off because deeply personal and introspective opinion that doesnt need to be aired out anywhere else #my opinion and observation is not necessarily right. it's just what i take from these things #sharing because i was asked to share #i didnt name any specific disorders but generally i am talking about personality disorders; did; bipolar; all the trendy things rn #the more 'severe' the central disorder in question the more my observations apply #im not talking so much about like. the wider autism community #but yes! thank you. did not expect an ask like this but hope that feeds your curiosity a little #kostik speaks

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shxdowvoixes · 4 months

Text

Fan Meet (Yechan)

The atmosphere at the Xikers meet and greet was electric, with fans eagerly waiting for their chance to meet the members. Among them was me, excited and a bit nervous to come face-to-face with the charismatic Yechan.

As I approached Yechan for the meet and greet, his warm smile and genuine greeting instantly put me at ease. "Annyeong, it's great to meet you," he said, his eyes sparking a connection that felt surprisingly personal.

"Hi, Yechan! I'm Y/N. I'm a huge fan! Your performances are always amazing."

His eyes sparkled with wonder. "Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy our performances."

Is he holding a conversation with me? I'm going to scream! "Well, I couldn't miss the chance to meet Xikers in person. Your music has been such a big part of my life."

With a growing smile he met my eyes. "That means a lot. I'm really grateful for fans like you. Do you have a favorite song or performance?"

I felt myself light up "Oh, it's hard to choose, but 'Tricky House' is definitely one of my favorites. The choreography is incredible!"

"I'm glad you like it! The choreography for 'Tricky' was challenging, but we enjoyed every moment of it."

I felt myself fangirling. "I LOVE your choreography in your parts, I've always been curious about your creative process. How do you come up with ideas for your songs?"

"We often draw inspiration from personal experiences and emotions. We also collaborate a lot within the group to bring different perspectives to the table."

"It really adds depth to your music! Oh! I have to ask, your stage presence is incredible. How do you stay so confident on stage?"

There was a chuckle that escaped his lips. "Thank you! Confidence comes with practice, I think. We spend a lot of time rehearsing and working on our performances to make sure we give our best to the fans. It's also the energy we get from our supporters that keeps us going."

If my love could grow any more for him, it did. "Your hard work definitely shows. Meeting you is a dream come true, Yechan." I beamed up at him.

He gave me a huge hug. "I'm honored to hear that Y/N. It's fans like you who make all of this so special for us. Thanks for coming today, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the meet and greet!"

"Thank you, Yechan! It's been amazing talking to you. You have no idea how much I'll treasure this moment."

Throughout the event, Yechan and I had shared a few laughs and engaged in a genuine conversation. Little did I know that the other members couldn't help but notice. Sumin exchanged a knowing look with Minjae, and the atmosphere within the group seemed to ripple with unspoken intrigue.

As the meet and greet concluded, I couldn't shake the feeling that our interaction had created a ripple effect among Xikers. The members, initially focused on the fans, now found themselves playfully speculating about the connection they had witnessed.

Little did I know that this chance encounter would become a memorable story within Xikers, adding an unexpected twist to their journey in the world of K-pop. The genuine connection forged during the meet and greet became a topic of discussion and curiosity among the members, leaving an indelible mark on that memorable day.

*****************************

After everyone had gone from the meet and greet, the energy in the room had shifted, and the subtle connection between Yechan and Y/N didn't go unnoticed by the observant duo. They decided to approach Yechan, their expressions a mix of playful teasing and genuine interest.

Minjae smirked, "Well, well, Yechan, looks like you had quite the connection with Y/N there during the meet and greet."

Yechan lit up."Yeah, Y/N is really nice. It was a great conversation."

Sumin wanted to keep teasing. "Nice, huh? I saw more than just 'nice.' There was a spark! What's going on, Yechan?"

Cute giggles escaped Yechan's lips, "You guys are reading too much into it. Y/N is just a fan who appreciates our music."

Minjae raised his eyebrow, "Come on, Yechan. We've been through enough fan meets to recognize when something more is happening. Looks like someone is making a new friend. We approve!"

Sumin asked if he thought Yechan would ever see Y/N again.

Honestly who knew if they would ever cross paths again. There was hope, and that was gonna have to be good enough for now.

As the trio shared a laugh and continued discussing the events of the meet and greet, Yechan couldn't help but appreciate the playful support from his fellow Xikers members. Little did they know, the unfolding connection with Y/N was about to add a new chapter to their journey as a group.

**A/N: Check Out "Tricky Boi's (Xikers)" on Wattpad if ya'll want more drabbles

#xikers #yechan #minjae #sumin #hunter #jinsik #junmin #yujun #hyunwoo #seeun #junghoon

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9w1ft · 1 year

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Hello! I hope you're having a good day. If you don't mind, would you be able to speak on what it was like for you to move to another country? I will be doing that soon, and it's overwhelming and bittersweet, especially since my parents aren't very supportive of my decision. Thanks!

hi! congratulations on starting this next big chapter of your life!!

there are so many factors that will shape the experience for you (age, purpose, gender, home and host countries, changes to communication, goals, etc etc) so to speak as universally as possible, moving to a different country (even moving to a different town within the same country, really!) can be scary but it’s also an experience that is full of wonder and discovery. you’re going to grow a TON and become more resourceful and introspective, and over time you’re going to experience deep personal journeys into your identity and what makes you you, with a particular focus on national identity and what it means to be where you are from. you might have moments where you realize that you don’t know who you are, but from within these periods of philosophy you are going to find a love for yourself and a trust in yourself that will support you all life long.

i am an american and i left the US during the bush years. i remember at the time, for many reasons, it felt so freeing to leave —even if i was moving to japan, which in some aspects is a more collectivist country with a culture of conformity— to live in a very agnostic, orderly, safe environment. and in the beginning i was living in tokyo and there was such a vibrance and energy of big city life that really inspired and informed so much of my character. and i worked super hard at socializing with locals as opposed to only expats, which really opened my mind and heart to new ways of thinking and experiences that i might have shied away from if i just stuck to people like me.

the world has changed and gone back and forth so much since and it’s been such a roller coaster figuring out what parts of me are american and which are not, what it even means to be an american, etcetera, what it means to be a citizen of the world… but in the end im glad i made the choice to move. i still go back often but im glad to have two homes.

i’ve lived more than half my life here now, got married here, i have kids.. so speaking to your last part, as a parent now myself i want to encourage you to keep in contact with your parents often (**if you have a healthy relationship with them where you feel comfortable doing so), especially the first year. i remember my mom in particular being deeply sad and worried sick for me in a way that was so hard to understand. she would try to hide it but then she would email me every once in awhile to express concern and love and i could tell that she wanted to be with me and protect me and guide me. now as a mom of daughters i also understand this impulse. we had internet in the 2000s but things were much more isolated than they are now. technology is so much better and easier these days so i encourage starting a shared album with you parents and adding photos from your adventures, video chatting them or group chatting them when you can. this will mean the world to them in ways it’s hard to understand until you’re a parent/guardian yourself.

i hope some of this helps!! i’m rooting for you!

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broomsticks · 1 year

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you tackled that tonks/lily post so gently, so elegantly, I am in awe. (also I wrote tonks / lily for efficiency sake but I do think it would be an interesting ship to explore!). for me - my priority in HP is sibling relationships tbh and FRIENDS. like I wrote a romance and 80% of it was about platonic relationships. also - I dislike how people are like 'mlm is for straight women!' and erase the fact that so many women writing mlm are queer (that was in a reply re: wolfstar), as shown by statistics (which you probably have, you are so clever!)

ahhh thank you that means a lot! glad my hard-earned wisdom from my (one year's 😂) long experience shipping both remadora and wolfstar is coming in handy LMAO. but seriously - fandom Means Something to so many people and that's wonderful, that shared passion and excitement and joy and connection and vulnerability, but the flip side of that, when it means different things to different people, the "why don't you see this the way i do?" / "how can you not care about this as much as i do?" / "why does this not mean the same thing to you as it does to me?" hits so much harder. i get it, it's a horrid feeling!

but i've realized that what often comes across as remadora bashing/ erasure from some wolfstar folks is really them trying to say, in maybe not so many words, that canon acknowledgement / a happy ending for wolfstar would really have meant a lot to me, and therefore i am creating in fic what i would have wanted to see on the shelf/on the screen, just these small ordinary happinesses that's been denied same-sex couples over and over and over and over, in mainstream media and in real life.

and conversely, often what remadora shippers are trying to say is that remus and tonks, individually and together, mean a lot to me too, and so it hurts to see tonks' character sidelined/ assassinated even more than it already was in the books, it hurts to see it repeatedly insinuated that just because it's het m/f makes it automatically less queer, less 'cool,' less valid, less worthy of thoughtful consideration and affirmation and celebration, especially now that canon is long dead and buried and the fandom has really become its own thing.

(i don't know the jegulus and jily fandoms well enough to say, but.. you get the idea)

are gay people and same-sex relationships discriminated against? absolutely. are women a marginalized group? for sure. what about bi people, especially bi folk in m/f relationships? oh gosh don't get me started.

but. one side claims misogyny, the other claims homophobia, something something 'protecting male friendships,' something something biphobia, … it's tiring. it's the oppression olympics and i'm not about that (especially in this fandom! this fandom!!! of all places!). i'm tired. everyone has scars and hurts and is just trying to have a nice relaxing self-indulgent time. i would love for more people to read/write femslash, fic about the actually unlikable or morally complicated characters, and dark fic, but more than that i want people to enjoy themselves and be happy in fandom! ship and let ship. write whatever you want. don't want to read it? don't read it. fandom is for joy and silliness and fun. and for writing and gifting me james/lily/peter fic, obviously 😊

OKAY WOW SOAPBOX. i have feelings about ship wars, especially of the political moralizing and activism sort.

-#-

anyway yes gen fic is another area that's so hard to find a community for. AO3 already does better than most in having the & tag (the platonic 'regulus & sirius' made it into the top 10 tags of fics written last year! amazing) but it's inconsistently tagged: this first war longfic i'm currently reading, Power the Dark Lord Knows Not, is far more sirius & james and sirius & regulus, heck even remus & peter and sirius & peter, than it is wolfstar, but the slash ship is the only one tagged -- this is a delightfully chaotic minerva & peeves oneshot that's not tagged -- and ... even if it IS tagged, who really goes looking for remus & professor binns fanfiction? i'm a little sad that genuary never really came back after that first year too. ah well.

-#-

also hahahaha yes the stats you want are here. these stats are from 2013. 2013. imagine how different they probably look now, and in this defiantly queer section of the HP fandom at that.

#gosh i am too tired to tag this #there was a last point i wanted to make about straight women are allowed to write m/m too! this is not something you want to gatekeep #that is a horribly slippery slope that leads to some very bad places. aka:#a psa on forced disclosure #fandom discourse #ty for the soapbox opportunity 😂

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francostrider · 1 year

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The Experience and Timing of Media

My group of friends had a tradition for every February called “Eat Like Hobbits”. Basically, our one friend would invite us all to her home, and she would have the excuse to cook several meals over the course of a day (which she loves doing), all the while the extended edition of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy play in the background. Well, we would watch it, but we are also chatting and just be glad January was over. We would have a good time, eat, well, like a hobbit, and embrace our nerdy selves.

So, I will confess one thing: The Lord of the Rings are not in my top five or top ten films of all time. But I have a lot of respect for the trilogy, and the amount of craft that went into every detail. And I do like them to a point. I treasure them as part of my introduction to western fantasy, as they were released around the same time as Champions of Norrath and I was coming to identify the DnD culture a lot more. The timing of the films coincided with the experience of discovering a favorite genre. And with the Hobbit day, it became a part of our shared experience.

As a fan of older media, like Robert E. Howard’s Conan books, I have been thinking a lot of the experience around the consumption of media. This involves more than the strict text of a given work. For instance, I started reading through Howard’s work via the volumes offered by Del Rey. It came in three volumes, the first of which I remember picking up after I graduated High School and in the ours before I saw X-Men 3. The volumes would follow me through our trip to Chatham, NY that year, into college and the smell of those old class buildings. They are synonymous with my experience in Rutgers and beyond.

The scents around us as we turned the page, the friends we would bring it up with, the chapter we try to squeeze in before class starts. These are all included with the actual consumption of the tale and make up our experience. We do not live in a bubble. The video games we play will either be affected by the outside world, or will be part of our relief from it. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time was played after a particularly rough time (and winter) of my life and it became part of spring. Castlevania: Circle of the Moon came out during 8th grade, a particularly joyful year of my life. And, of course, the ending of Majora’s Mask hit hard when I was a lonely kid outside of my household.

Going back to Conan, those were my own experiences, sure. But that was not the original context that the stories came out in. Those were published by Weird Tales back in the 1930s, usually one (or maybe even just a chapter) at any given publication. And these were published along side other authors, including HP Lovecraft. These would be on low quality paper (hence the “pulp” in pulp fiction), at 10 cents at a magazine stand. These would not be pre collected in a higher quality volume in a clean and orderly book store.

This was likely picked up by someone on their way to work, either to the local factory or grocery store. These were in the 1930s, so the Great Depression was either affecting the reader directly or at least seeing the damage it has caused. I imagine someone going “At least I got my Howard and Lovecraft for the month!” as they see another store close. Perhaps, like in Grapes of Wrath, copies were likely carried by migrant workers trying to make ends meet. “The Phoenix on the Sword”, “The Scarlet Citadel”, “Hour of the Dragon” and “People of the Black Circle” were just as much part of the life of a migrant worker as their tools, factories, current events and crops. Perhaps they held onto these copies and looked back on them with a mix of nostalgia and strain.

And the rabbit hole does not end there. I wonder what actors they were thinking of when they thought of Conan at the time. A mix of the movies from the 80s and artwork have long since codified Conan’s overall look and feel, but much of that was decades later. What music accompanied their reading in their heads? Did they find a friend or fellow worker and think “Oh, that could be Conan!” Did they try writing the Howard? Or at least to the publication house? And this isn’t even mentioning the human rights advocacies, protests and bloodshed at this era. Before Conan’s overall look was codified, did readers conjure a Conan of different races, imposing their own preferences?

My point is that the whole experience of reading Conan when it first came out will be eternally lost to me. I will likely never find some of the original volumes, which are either preserved in a museum or just dissolved into nothing. And even if I did, I will not know the desperation and attitudes of the time, or the actors of the time, what counted for “fantasy music” at the time, if that was even a concept.

But that does not invalidate my experience. The Experience that I bring up is always going to be unique to each of us. One 1930s reader is going to have a different experience from another 1930s reader, even if they are coworkers of similar backgrounds. I do not say this out of jealousy or some foolish self deprecating of our generation. This is more to illustrate why we love media, why we are nostaligic and why we more than enjoy, but cherish, our favorite works. The tricky thing is it is impossible to recreate. That version of you ended at the end of the experience. We have memories, but we have lost access to it at the same time.

It is also one of several reasons why I have disdain for any claim of “Best X of all time”. Like much about the entertainment we consume, this is going to be subjective, and unique to every consumer. Awards try to find an objective truth, but they can’t dictate on a personal, subjective level. Bad timing and harsh experiences can also explain why we bounce off of works that we, in theory, “should” enjoy. I imagineThe Last of Us Part II would have been better received by audiences in a year that wasn’t 2020. These Experiences put the text to light. You never consume media without it. Despite everyone trying to talk me into it, I’m just not in the right mindset to go through Final Fantasy VII Remake or the new God of War games. They are something I currently do not want, and when I spend my entertainment hours on something I do not wish to do, I’m constantly looking forward to the thing I do wish to do.

The last “Eat Like Hobbits” we had before the pandemic was February of 2020, before the pandemic started. A lot changed since. Several people moved and found new homes. Job situations changed. But finally, in this year 2023, we got the invite we were waiting for. Our friend got her cooking going and we watched through the whole trilogy. This time, my wife and I watched through the whole thing, a first for herself. It was wonderful to have everyone over, but the trilogy changed in light of the pandemic.

First, there is what it meant: After three long years, we were able to do this again. Covid has not completely gone away, but something special had returned to us. Secondly, the scene where Frodo can no longer see home, but the fiery eye, really hit home. Leaving the house in 2020 could mean bringing back a deadly virus that has claimed over a million lives in this country alone and had filled hospitals to bursting. There was no escaping it, just the constant fiery watch of this disease and no catharsis or friends in person to comfort us. We were all trapped in our own personal Mordor, away from the lives we once had and the people we love.

And, thirdly, I am completely unashamed to admit that I thought of my own wedding last year during Aragorn’s Coronation (yeah, yeah, fuck off). But it is part of the experience I was going through. Our wedding was planned for 2021, but was postpone until late summer of 2022 for several reasons. Unfortunately, the pandemic was part of the drama leading up to it. But when all was said and done, everyone was there, hail and hardy, after three years of pain. My wife and I sat through the pains of moving, pandemics and grief together, and finally, FINALLY, we would have this day, Our day. It was not just a wedding, but also victory in its own way. All of that and everything that led to our wedding went into my recent viewing of Aragorn’s Coronation.

And let’s be honest, you should feel like a king on your wedding day.

We do not live in vacuums. It’s our real life that gives the fiction we consume meaning. As fantastical as a story or setting is, it is still a reflection of what we are. “All works are political” or so I’ve heard the phrase. We carry not only our preferences and likes, but also our life into everything we consume and create. Fiction makes little sense otherwise.

#lord of the rings #hobbit #majoras mask #the last of us #Castlevania #circle of the moon #majora's mask #Conan #robert e howard #hp lovecraft #Weird tales #wedding #pandemic #covid-19 #fuck covid

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holdinbacksecrets · 1 year

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fuck i should be sleeping it's 1am and my exams are in 8hrs but i need to get this out of my system.

these days I'm realizing how much i miss bts, like really, their older stuff just hit so hard, everything up till mots7, and I'm just feeling so much nostalgia? I was 15 when i first discovered them, I'm turning 22 in a few days and it's insane to me how they've been in the most broken part of my life and just idk, bts man.

I wish I could express more about it but I just can't put it into words, looking at their discography and how it perfectly aligns with my heart and my experience, how I just UNDERSTAND IT, not just vibe, it just makes me wanna cry. And to think that SVT are slowly becoming that for me but more with their personalities than their music? I mean yeah definitely, SVT's discography is flawless but it's just so different than BTS's and they both cater to my taste in different ways. I just love them.

I know you'd get it since they're your faves too, sorry for the long rant. gn 🖤

hello friend. i hope your exams went well!!

i definitely get what you’re saying. for me, it’s slightly different because i didn’t get into kpop until 2020. in another way it’s hard: bts’ older music is what made me a fan, and i struggle with missing so many eras in real time. luckily, there are tracks off be i really like, but the feelings they create are not comparable to what tear (for example) does for me. although, i do really fucking love stay and blue & grey

i’m glad you were able to witness past eras as they were happening and hold those memories. it’s fascinating how music intertwines with our lives and ends up serving as reminders for experiences. at the same time, it also helps us get through absolute shit.

personality wise, i definitely feel much more connected to seventeen. however, i can’t say i prefer one group over the other in terms of music. i feel like their discographies impact me in different ways. i feel the same way about monsta x and nct. each group has songs that are literally heaven to me.

i have so many thoughts on this subject, but i’m not sure if i’m successfully putting them into words. what i will say is that i can imagine how hard it is for you to miss bts’ older music. tracks that join you during times of darkness end up being deeply cherished, imo. i truly hope future releases from bts will feel the same way debut-mots7 tracks do.

what were your thoughts on indigo and jitb? did any of those songs feel right to you? my expectations for indigo were high, but none of the tracks hit me like mono tracks did and still do. i only listened to the album once. it might be worth circling back around to, but usually if they don’t get me right off the bat, they never will. luckily, there are songs off jitb i really love (equal sign and safety zone). there’s something about hoseok’s music… maybe it’s the aquarius energy we share lol— i see him

#s talks #eboni✨#sadkidwarexpert

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nvrcmplt · 10 months

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Ji Ae's journey as a lesbian has been a trial and half on her own sanity. Being born in a country where she was seen as mentally ill for her likes and differences, alongside being forced to be submissive in a relationship. She couldn't of been any more surprised at the freedom she learned over time when they moved from Korea to America. The change was insane to her mind, being the eldest of two children - she learnt life of a different time before Eijun. Though not too far apart in generations she likes to think - she overcame a lot of forced homophobia, gaslighting and self-destruction to her own psyche to be how she is.

Sometimes jaded at the idea of ever having a stable woman in her life, she's had her fair share of meet ups.

Though they had always left a weird feeling in her life, as the fact that she was always used as someone's experiment, someone's 'bi-curious' phase, someone's little secret or a rebound. It was never a chance for her to fully blossom with love and desires to be forever with someone and it's these kinds of flings she kept going back to, because it was all she knew how to get well. Her GFs at the time were far and few between - beautiful in all their shapes and sizes. All educated on different matters of the LBGTQ+ lifestyle but it never really stuck.

She just never clicked with anyone and she was sure it was down to how she was bought up. Conflicting emotions and thoughts, different ideals and wants in the results of something two people should be thriving for together.

Ji Ae's first lesbian experience was at a school trip - she was around 13. She had her first kiss with a classmate, Seung. They didn't speak after it for a good month, shame was deep in their veins but after a while and a promise to never speak of it again together, they returned to be best friends. Though this soon broke when the Davis' moved to America for good.

Between here and till 17, Ji Ae had several identity crises about who and what she liked. Fighting her own mind and heart and ploughed into education. She stopped thinking about her sexuality and had a breakdown about it. Intervention of her Parents got her head straight - after all, it wasn't as if her parents were strict asian parents nor about to throw her on her ass at 16. Instead, it made the whole family go to a therapy group to help with communications. This year was the most important to Ji Ae as she finally focused on herself and her mind, healing and learning about everything she could have the western's more openness of being different.

At 18, she met her second crush, they dated for three months. No intimacy, but physical touching, hand holding and hugs in bed together - was shared.

At 19, she lost her virginity at a dorm-party. She was in a threesome with one other woman and her girlfriend at the time. Being so drunk, she can't really remember it much at all but the pain of penetration was present and the v-card losing was thrown the next day.

From her twenties onward, Ji Ae was more or less accepting of herself. Being in a more open country and without the pressures of being forced into a box and category that wasn't her own, she thrived with her passion in career choice and her lover interests. Over time, she got more and more comfortable and now, she's at the point in life that she doesn't care - doesn't miss her old life, doesn't feel like she's failed anything or anyone at all.

She laughed when Eijun came out bisexual himself, and held him with her all her support. It was a beautiful moment she was glad he shared with her.

In her 30's she had several girlfriends and will often have one-night stands. Due to her workload and position it's hard for her to have anything long-lasting due to relationship demands and will turn herself into a jaded wall when it comes to arguments about it. Though she understands, it's hard to be there for someone that doesn't understand her job and passion for it but also thinks that she'll change anything for them just because they get together.

She knows she needs to work on it but it's just . . . Irritating.

Still, in her 40's now, she's been thinking of settling down for real. A person to share her apartment with, someone to just come home too and rest her head on their laps. That's all she's after now and it'll be hard, but she's never really gave up before… so she wasn't about to start that now.

#« ( Ji Ae ) » HC.

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apple-grass-and-smiles · 11 months

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Hello! The ever-sweet and wonderful @marthaskane tagged me to share eight shows that define me/help you get to know me. Without further ado, the shows!

Alias (2001-2006)

Alias has taught me the value of old LiveJournal pages and the Wayback Machine more than any other show I've ever loved. I discovered this show in 2013 when it was on Netflix and then I spent a few months in Germany, where I spent too much money buying almost the entire show on iTunes because I could not comprehend going more than a day without Sydney Bristow with me.

2. The Clone Wars (2008-2013, 2014, 2020)

I remember when this show first aired and my siblings and I had a square dance at our school (very American, I know) so we had to DVR it. The next morning we snuck down early to watch it with the volume super low so we wouldn't wake up our parents. Few shows have continuously come back into my life the way this one has. I can track a lot of how I've changed as a fan through the different ways I've viewed this show over the last 15 years.

3. Fringe (2008-2013)

I've been rewatching this show since January of this year and can confirm: it is still a nearly perfect 100 episodes of TV. Fringe manages to perfect a lot of the plot lines and dynamics that appear in Alias (both are J.J. Abrams/his collaborators projects). It manages to walk the line between a procedural and a mythology-driven show beautifully and so clearly knows what message and themes it wants to share from the very first shot. If you like exploring messy family dynamics, action, and the X-Files, Fringe is a good option for you.

4. Gotham (2014-2019)

I historically have no cared much at all about Batman. He struck me as pretty boring in comparison to every other person he interacted with. Gotham change that for me (turns out he just needed to be put next to any even more boring guy, but I digress...). Loving this show is a lesson in looking past weird choices, wacky inconsistencies, and learning to just trust that writers will give you a fun ride, even if you understand less that 15% of it. It helped me remember that the sentence "I love this show" does not always mean "here is a perfect example of perfect storytelling" and just how freeing that can be. It also gave me a beautiful little group of friends who continue to make me smile on a regular basis.

5. Blindspot (2015-2020)

While this show may not be one I post about often, it was foundational for how I interact in fandom now. It was one of the first times I was active in a fandom from the start of the show. It was the first time I was in a fandom group chat and my Tumblr friends broke containment into being people I followed on Instagram and texted. I organized a Secret Santa. It was the first time I remember actively freaking out of promo photos (1x09 IYKYK) and synopses. Almost all the confidence I have when interacting in fandoms is from these experiences. And the plot is stellar.

6. Iron Fist (2017-2018)

I can't tell you how I ended up watching this. I do not know what prompted me to turn it on but I'm really glad I did. This show has so many amazing nuggets of amazingness and its shortcomings brought me together with two of my favorite people as we tried to understand what had gone wrong and where. (This is not a good ad for the show.) I love getting to play with stories and characters that have seemingly infinite potential and getting to do it with other people who are just as committed to the story as I was meant the world.

7. The Rookie (2018-present)

I fought against this one so hard. I did not want to get into it, but as my dash filled with those gifs of Lucy in the green dress and I had my wonderful friend pitching the show to me over and over, I caved. And I'm really glad I did. The experience of watching a long season over months, one week and one episode at a time, is so different than streaming or rewatching shows and I'd forgotten how much I missed it until I got to do it again for this show. My Tuesday livestreams with my lovely friend single-handedly pulled me through so many rough spots over the last year. For a procedural dramedy, The Rookie continues to serve up some of the best characters on TV right now and consistently delivers some of the best cold opens.

8. Prodigal Son (2019-I'm in denial)

The show that owns my heart and soul. The show I'd sell my organs to get new episodes of. Returning to this show, whether I'm writing fic, doing a TED Talk in my head about the psychology in the show, or actually watching an episode, consistently feels like coming home. I did not know it was possible for someone to stick their hand in your head and pull out a show custom-made for you, but that's what this is. The characters are all so perfectly imperfect and desperate to be better. The plots are just the perfect amount of bonkers. The show being a drama pretending to be a procedural is beautiful. If you'd told me in 2019 that a show about a profiler whose dad is a serial killer and they solve crimes together would be the show that would leave an indelible mark on my life, I would have rolled my eyes because that's so cliche. 2019!me had no idea what she was on about. But I'm glad she figured it out and randomly put on this little show one night that had continued to pull me through good days and bad days and everything in between.

As for tagging other people, anyone is welcome to join but I’ll specifically tag some people I know who haven't been tagged (I think): @electricbluebutterflies, @chenlucys, @shinythinx, @rojaswarren, @meandmyechoes, @padme-deserved-better, @whitesunlars, @harrows-bones, @bpdanakins, and @violetsandmagpies.

#emily does stuff (shocker)#I feel like it's been a while since I've done a tag #which is an entirely self-inflicted state #due to not doing much stuff that isn't work or sleeping #as I tagged people I had the beautiful experience of continuing to see people that I wanted to tag #because they're great! and I love hearing from them! and I am so glad I know them the way I do!#but I didn't want to have 47 people tagged because that's just too long #and yes if you think this is about you it 110% is and I love you!#I'll chill out now #sorry but also a little not sorry for writing novels here #I don't know what anyone else could have expected though

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onbeinganangel · 1 year

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Hello Marion, I just finished your wonderful new christmas fic <3 <3 <3 and came to your tumblr to learn more about grief. Specifically how and why one feels set apart and not belonging to the world anymore (yes, I can relate to that!). Are there any ressources you could share? Love and thanks <3

hello anon 🤍 i’m sorry it took me a little while to get to this message! this time of the year is always a bit intense and i wanted to have the time to actually sit down and have a think about this! i am glad you enjoyed Aere Perennius but also sorry it resonated with you!

(this will get long. i am a chatty bastard, i apologise in advance!)

i have always been very comfy around death! i think it’s partially the catholicism, partially the folklore of where i grew up and partially this very specific way to look at death as something natural and normal that we have in my culture!

but loss is disorientating! i think heartbreak and sadness are always the feelings we think of, but the hardest thing about loss, for me is how confusing it is sometimes.

like how do you continue going on when something that large has happened? and why isn’t the world as upset about it as you are? it is awful, it is harrowing, it is life changing and it’s hard to accept that can exist at the same time that the sun keeps rising and setting and the earth keeps turning.

i feel like i have to mention that i am not a specialist in the human psychology whatsoever, so take whatever i say as my personal opinion based on my own experiences! i did have a fair amount of therapy specifically to deal with an unexpected and traumatic loss that i often refer to as The Big Grief (i believe i use this wording in Aere Perennius at one point actually!), and i think the hardest part of grief that causes that feeling of alienation is the loss of normalcy. everything feels tainted, almost

your life had someone or something in it and now it doesn’t! maybe you’ve always had that someone or that something, or maybe you never really got to know that someone or that something the way you wanted to. you feel robbed of Moments and Experiences and Time with Them. to me, that’s the biggest thing!

(spoilers for Aere Perennius under the cut, because it’s easier to use fiction for examples:)

grief and loss are major plot points in AP, and i think that, at first, you think it’s about Draco and Narcissa specifically but the consequences of loss go well beyond that, which you learn as the story moves along.

it was important to me that we got a little bit of dealing with loss from Everyone. Draco’s is bright and fresh and stark and it’s still a constant sore spot. in contrast, Harry is settled in his grief — he knows it well, his grief is an old friend. Luna’s mirrors Harry’s in a way, with the caveat that she has her dad still, and that her grief isn’t public (she isn’t famous and her mother’s death isn’t essentially a public holiday for a large group of people, and i really wanted to explore what that was like for Harry)

but you have quieter grief, too.

Pansy is stoic as all hell about her grief. i say this with love and i hope people will know what i mean by it, but i think Pansy is very british about her trauma. but she did find herself a support group and she is fiercely protective of Draco and Blaise

Ron and Hermione are even more settled in their grief than Harry. it isn’t obviously there! but it is there! it’s more recent but the loss Hermione’s parents and Ron’s brother were direct consequences of war. i imagine they have leaned on each other and on the Weasleys to heal from that.

and you have my dear boy Blaise, too. he was the hardest to write, in the end. Blaise is the opposite of Pansy. he won’t talk about it, i’d go as far as saying he doesn’t want to let himself even think about it. and despite his own discomfort, despite how much he finds it easier to hide, we know he would do anything for Draco and Pansy.

in a way, the Golden Trio and the Silver trio kind of work in parallel. the Gryffindors were (at least partially) willingly part of a war that cost them a lot, and had immediate consequences. the Slytherins came out of a war surprisingly intact all things considered only to lose everything after and in unexpected ways!

AP is a multipack of grief and loss! you kind of get every flavour, really 😂

as i feared, this turned into a wee bit of an essay now and i don’t even know if any of this makes particular sense or is pertinent to your question. grief and loss are very common subjects in my fics and i clearly have a lot to say lol

loss can be moving away from a city you loved and made a life in, loss can be a mutual decision to end a friendship that is no longer serving either of you, it can be a loved one’s death, it can be witnessing someone you love become ill, it can be dealing with illness yourself, and it can be growing out of your own skin and becoming a new person. either way, it’s never easy. we are creatures of habit and adjusting is always an adventure.

in terms of resources, i’m afraid i don’t have much. therapy helped me a lot and i honestly miss my therapist every day! a good support system is wonderful — not even in a therapy way, not even in a ‘i need to talk’ way! get friends who make you laugh, who see things and send them to you because they’ll know you’ll enjoy it, etc. also, at the risk of sounding cliche, putting my feelings into my writing and my art and my crafts has helped a lot, too. like harry says, grief is forever. but it doesn’t mean you can’t have joy at the same time, too. let them meet each other. grief and joy are not opposites, they are both cause and consequence. you just gotta get real cosy with the knowledge that they exist in a circle/cycle. and hey, we’ll be alright! that’s what i always tell myself!

sending you lots of love, anon x

#cw grief #cw loss #qs and as #aere perennius

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