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transmalewife · 2 years

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i’ll never understand people who excuse their exclusionism with their own personal experiences. like “i detransitioned so now i’m a terf” or “i though i was asexual but i was just a traumatized kid so that means asexuality doesn’t exist” like what do you have to gain from that? why do you think the minuscule sliver of the human condition that is your personal experience gives you the right to decide what is and isn’t real for millions of others?

i identify as bi currently, and when i came out in middle school bisexual is the word i used. but when i realised i’m nb a few years later, i started identifying as pansexual, because i had been fed the (wrong, ahistorical, biphobic and transphobic) definition of “bi means two” with pan being presented as a more inclusive alternative. i faced queerphobia i didn’t have to because i thought i had to shove myself into the best fitting box from those lists of hundreds of microlabels that used to float around tumblr (remember those?) and was mocked and ridiculed every time i tried to explain to people irl what pansexual meant, trying not to out myself as trans but having no other answer for “why don’t you just id as bi?” (usually followed by something along the lines of ‘you fucking snowflake’) i felt like i was wrong somehow because no matter how hard i tried i couldn’t categorize all the complex feelings i had about my gender into any of those premade boxes. i tried genderfluid or demigirl for a while but nothing stuck. i started doubting myself when i encountered other definitions of pan, that said it’s attraction regardless of gender AND attraction that is identical to all genders, because mine wasn’t, and was so intrinsically tied to how i experience my own gender that i know now i could never have sorted it into two completely separate labels.

i don’t remember what came first but one day i said fuck it, i don’t want to have to explain this again, i’m just gonna say i’m bi, even if it doesn’t fit perfectly, because it fits well enough and this person doesn’t need to know more. i also started reading about actual bisexual history, about bi nb people, about queer people and about how umbrella terms are enough. nonbinary is enough. queer is enough. and bisexual has such an immense breadth of experiences, varying definitions, vastly different people using it over decades, that it is enough too, and for once in my life i can blend into a crowd.

now does that mean i have any issue with people identifying as pan? fuck no. it was the wrong label for me, it even hurt me to identify that way. but i’m not every person on this planet, nor am i self centered enough to think i have any right to speak for them. if i’d identified as a lesbian before realizing i’m also into men, i wouldn’t be going around saying lesbians don’t exist, would i?

i think we need to make sure people know umbrella terms are an option, queer is there to welcome you and you don’t have to choose a perfect label. i despise how pansexual is often used as a biphobic tool, but i despise when anything is used as a biphobic tool. doesn’t mean i hate the thing itself. i think we have very similar needs and goals in our fight for equality, and i think this rift between us is actively impeding that fight for both. i think the myth of ‘bi means two’ needs to go, and any pan (and not pan) person propagating it after being educated about it is a biphobe. but i’m not so self important as to think my label will be perfect for everyone, or that my feelings are the same as everyone’s. and i remember that wonderful feeling of belonging, when a microlabel just clicks into place and (even if it’s just for a few years) fits perfectly. i think that’s beautiful.

i thrive under an umbrella that doesn’t describe my atraction entirely, because that is its purpose. i thrive knowing that of all the queer people out there, living or dead, not one was exactly like me, and i feel safer knowing i have a word i can give to people that doesn’t tell them everything about that part of me, and doesn’t require me to introduce them to the word for the first time and become the one template through which they will judge everyone they meet who also uses that label. one that allows me to choose the moment when i sit down with them for a long night over a bottle of wine and explain the maze that is my gender and the minotaur of my sexuality that dwells within.

but others thrive on order. on knowing that someone out there feels so similarly to them that they wrote it down, gave it a name. they like being able to have one word that when googled will tell everyone more or less how they feel. they like being able to find another, equally specific word, when the first one becomes obsolete, or choose more than one. they like not identifying as a word that was given to us by doctors or bigots, but a word that came from within, that was created for them. sometimes they like creating a word of their own too, to put a neat bow on their own maze, so they can share it with others who may feel similarly and find each other.

and crucially, neither of these versions is wrong

#pansexual #bisexual #queer #trans #mine

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korusalka · 4 years

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1, 3, 11, 14, 16, 18 🤗

1. who/what made you start questioning?

one time my parents picked me up from a party (?) when i was 15 and we were driving home when the conversation turned and my dad asked me about any boys i liked. of course there were boys, one boy i liked specifically even, but i’ve never shared any romance-related problems with my parents and i wanted to keep it that way. so i blurted out “well, maybe i’m into girls!”, and my dad almost crashed the car. that’s definitely the moment when i went “huh. well. maybe??” it’s also one of my funniest pre-coming out memories.

3. what other labels have you used other than your current ones?

just straight & bi (current)! i’ve looked into demisexuality but never adopted it as a label because it didn’t really fit me. currently i’m thinking about my preferences when it comes to the openness of relationships, but it’s still a thought process that needs to be explored for some time, and i don’t really consider it a sexuality/identity-related label.

11. have a childhood crush that you didn’t realize was a crush until later in life?

that hyperfeminine girl in kindergarten & elementary school that pissed me off all the time! she was always dressed in pink and had the best toys for girls and her hair was in really neat styles. snobby, but cute. i kissed her during naptime, and that was my first kiss to begin with.

14. “how did they not realize i was gay” moments?

me in elementary school always volunteering for the male parts during plays, especially princes, because it gave me an excuse to wax poetry to the “princesses” and hold their hands

16. happiest pride memory?

i’ve actually been to pride only once! last year! i met up with a friend and the bunch of lesbians that seem to gravitate to her even though she mostly identifies as straight. she’s a true lesbian power magnet. the lesbians gave to me sunscreen and snacks and their hat while the gay guys danced and undressed and fainted, dehydrated, in the relentless sun behind the party trucks. it was great. the memory that stuck around the most was that i was walking behind a girl about my age, maybe a little younger, who wore a backpack with a KINKY BOOTS slogan. i tapped her shoulder and said that i really liked the musical too. we shared a knowing smile and i was feeling so happy in that huge crowd of queer people that came together to be loud & proud & smack hundreds of gay stickers to lampposts, even if it’s just for one day.

18. fit any stereotypes about your sexuality?

super indecisive, clumsy, the different feelings of “oooo” and “aaaa” when it comes to feeling attracted to men and women

#thank you giuls! i hope that makes sense #ask

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chaoticoconut · 5 years

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1, 6, and 18! 💛

💛💛💛

these will be long as hell I'm sorry lmao

1. for as long as I can remember I've felt attracted to women and drawn to the community. I grew up watching Saturday Night Live with my parents, which I think is where I first encountered homosexuality but a close second was on this other skit show (whose name I can't find for whatever reason) where girl a was getting engaged to her boyfriend and girl b, the best friend and roommate, was freaking out and it ended with girl b kissing her and I don't know why its stuck with me for over a decade but I used to spend so much time up late at night thinking about what love was or why we kiss each other but I never once considered I was anything other than normal until elementary school. Everytime my friend and I stumbled across two girls kissing in pop culture or really any gay representation for that matter we'd tell each other about it and it became this weird fixation of ours until an older girl overheard us and called us weird and gay and I remember I went home and cried and cried because being weird and gay were obviously synonymous at my Texas charter elementary school and would have a negative impact on my life if people found out.

I didn't start taking those "am I gay" quizzes till about 5th or 6th grade. I had forced all homosexuality into a very taboo box for me and when I didn't like this one (very creepy, I might add) boy back in 6th grade and I told my parents, I remember getting this really adverse reaction from my mother ("well then what are you?") that perpetually kept me fully closeted for another year. That being said, I knew I was attracted to boys too. I think I had my first real crush on a boy in 3rd grade, but before that I had liked Wilbur Robinson and Peter Pan and Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner for Christ's sake so I had it in my mind that even if I weren't fully straight I could pass as everyone else's normal and not face the repercussions of being weird and gay. I'd still marry a man and have kids like every other female role model I my life at the time. I felt a lot of guilt during puberty and had tremendous gay panic thinking I had to be one thing or another or even one thing in secret and I was lying to myself in some way about my feelings and then my dad's friend (or my self appointed aunt actually) came out to everyone after having been married to a man for several years. As 7th grade rolled around one of my friends came out as transgender. And the internet finally seemed to really give a shit about the LGBT+ community, and the world felt bigger, and I felt more comfortable giving myself exceptions ("maybe you could have a girlfriend in college but still marry a man"). I discovered flannels, I had gay ships (Harley and Ivy saved my whole life), all my friends were coming out at an increasing rate, and suddenly all sorts of people were attractive to me. The quizzes called what I was bisexual. A pretty girl I knew identified as bi/pan (I can't remember what it was at the time, she changed labels a lot those days) I had met at a birthday party just a few days before asked me over breakfast if I liked girls.

I damn near choked on my toast.

And against every voice screaming in my head to just say no and that it wasn't worth it, I told her the truth and within a few days we were dating. Granted, it was only about 3 days the first time, I finally had one thing straight: I was a legitimate bisexual (pardon the pun).

Then everyone found out and called me a lesbian and I was back in the hole. I didn't want to be a lesbian, not because somehow that was more weird and gay than being a bisexual, but because that wasn't who I was. And I knew that much about myself. I had a lot of internalized oppressive tendencies to confront but at least I had some solid footing in my identity. According to my friends my energy was much gayer in middle school and freshman year and I "struggled" with that (I didn't want to shoo away any cute guys but had to accept that even my bisexual identity was polarizing for some) and now I'm here. I'm 16. I'm very confident in my identity. I'm out to almost all of my friends (except for most of my elementary school pals (including the girl who talked about wlw stuff w me bc she's really homophobic now)), some of their families, and one other adult (she was my counselor in the hospital and after like 5 minutes she was like "and are you LGBT or am I mistaken?" and I had to make sure my mom wasn't lurking around the corner before I said yes, honestly my big gay energy is so powerful), and I may or may not tell my dad before I move out (probably not. I've never been very open with my parents about my social or romantic life. Telling him would probably only make things weird or harder for him to trust me going out and doing things lmao). I felt a part of the community for real when my friend came out to me as bisexual for the first time last month and told me my embrace of it helped her come to terms with her own feelings.

6. I don't know how popular of an opinion this is but finding a label that fit me was really empowering. I played around with the idea of pansexuality and demiromanticism and found that in my specific case they held me back more than they defined me. I felt pansexuality was an unnecessary title to hold with the updated and more fluid and forgiving definition of bisexuality and the biphobic tendencies the community had when trying to empower their base but at the same time who am I to tell someone that their label of choice isn't vaild. I don't give a shit. If it is part of you do you. Have your own normal. Everyone else is weird to everyone else anyway. It won't help to reduce yourself to something you aren't. If labels aren't your shit, splendid for you. If they are, that rocks too. Queer is another label I particularly love. It enforces this no confirmative ideal I have. I didn't even begin to rant about Gender & I. I find the word queer the most empowering label of all in the community, because in whole, we are queer, but we're queer together.

18. I love the memes. Lmao. I love feeling connected enough we can laugh about it together. Growing Up Gay memes in particular made me feel so much better about myself. Those memes where both the guy and gal are attractive. I love the sense of style/lack thereof too. There's this lez senior I already have a crush on who just wears whatever the fuck she wants and idk why but I love it and am so inspired.

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nettlewildfairy · 5 years

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Hi so I’ve asked you before about gender stuff (i.e. being a lesbian who’s not entirely sure “girl” fits) and I want to thank you because your advice helped a lot. I’m still not sure what’s but I feel better in how I see myself. I definitely feel like I lean away from gender more than I thought I would, but I still feel like I’m faking sometimes because I’m not uncomfortable with she/her pronouns but also still don’t think non binary is wrong for me, any advice for how to deal with that?

I’m glad I was able to help! And that you were able to reach a new point in how you feel about yourself!

now to answer your question i wrote a whole bunch of words that i’ve organized into 3 parts. 1. lets look at and take apart that fear. part 2, some tips and tricks on how to feel more comfortable as a nonbinary person in your identity, and part 3, examples of how any pronouns you like or feel comfortable with are good.

Part 1:The fear of faking your gender, a nonbinary experience

I understand the feelings behind identifying as nonbinary and being afraid you may be faking it. There is a lot of stuff out in the Cultural milieu telling us that people frequently fake their gender and that saying you’re a gender outside of the one your assigned is bad? For some reason. But these are incorrect ideas because they are based on a flawed premise (transphobia)

Remember that you having an understanding of your gender identity doesn’t hurt anyone, and that you know and understand your gender better than anyone else looking at you from the outside. Thinking “maybe I’m nonbinary” and identifying with nonbinary folks and concepts and experiences is a sign that you may in fact be nonbinary.

Most importantly, remember that being worried that you’re faking your gender identity is practically a universal experience for trans and nonbinary folks. Remember that cis folks don’t typically question their gender identity and that identifying with nonbinary and trans folks and their experiences and thinking you might relate is a symptom of being nonbinary and/or trans.

Ultimately if you have recognized that you do not totally identify as your assigned gender and discovered that you are nonbinary. It is ok to just be nonbinary! The label is for you if you feel it fits!

Part 2: Tips and tricks and what worked for me

I definitely used to feel like I was faking my gender all the time but at one point or another I got passed it. I look in the mirror and see myself and think, that’s me, them, a nonbinary person.

Some things that worked for me:

1. Talk to other nonbinary people. Read a bunch of stuff nonbinary people have written, follow Jeffrey Marsh on Instagram or twitter or read their book, watch nonbinary youtubers, hear how people talk about their identity and see that there are many others that feel the same way as you.

2. JOIN a whole bunch of internet support groups for nonbinary folks (im in like 5 facebook groups about this) facebook and discord are the easiest ways to communicate with people more directly about gender online but there are some options on tumblr and Instagram and twitter too. More people to give advice, more people describe their experiences, more people to bounce feelings about gender off of to see what sticks for you! 10/10

3. Examine your motives, why would you fake your identity to yourself???? For imaginary woke points? No! any link to an identity you have forged comes from an earnest wish to understand yourself and how you exist in this world. You looked into yourself and asked “who am I” and came up with an answer. Who would know or understand that answer better than you?

Also, for me talking with my nonbinary friends (online and irl) really helped, we discussed what gender meant to us and how we viewed ourselves and wanted to be viewed by others and it was cathartic and wonderful.

Another thing that really helped me was a panel I went to at a comics expo about how to represent nonbinary characters in fiction. There was a panel of 6! Nonbinary comics artists and all of them looked different and talked different and had different pronouns and experiences. They had a moderated discussion and touched on a lot of things that really resonated with me and ultimately led to me realizing I was nonbinary myself.

Redgoldsparks, on tumblr was one of the people on this panel and ey also wrote a lot of comics called “genderqueer: a memoir” about eir experience as a nonbinary person (the collection of these and other comics in the series are coming out as a book later this year and when that comes out I recommend it so much)

Ey said something at that panel that stuck with me for a long time and it went something along the lines of “I just want to remind you that its ok to be nonbinary even if you are the only person that knows, even if you haven’t changed anything or told anyone, its ok”

And its true.

there is a lot of pressure put onto people to be sure, and there is this idea that people are faking identity left and right for some reason. But when it comes down to it. If you have identified a discomfort with your assigned gender and/or a joy in being seen as another gender and you believe the nonbinary label fits, then that label is for you.

Part 3:Remember! Pronouns don’t necessarily equal gender!

Anyone of any gender can go by any pronouns!

I personally know women who go by they/them or he/him

I personally know nonbinary folks of any agab that go by any combination of he/him she/her and they/them pronouns. Some that match their agab some that don’t, some go by all of the above, 2 of the above, and none of the above! All are equally valid and correct as long as the person feels they are the most relevant pronouns for them!

Any and all pronouns you feel comfortable with are acceptable and good.

Different nonbinary people have different gender experiences and description of their gender, presentation, and pronouns, and your experience is legitimate.

#gender #nonbinary

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lokidyke · 6 years

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cw genital mention, discussion of dysphoria, discussion of sex, a very personal post in general

i've been thinking a lot lately. actually, not even a lot, but whenever i think about it, my thoughts hold heavy weight to them. i've been thinking about my gender, my body, and how i want to be perceived in the world. and i just don't know how i feel about it anymore.

overall i've come to the conclusion that i just... don't want to be seen. it's not even like "i just want to exist", i just don't want to be seen right now because i don't know how i want to be seen. i don't know how i want to exist and navigate the world.

i started questioning my gender when i was in high school, like many of you. since my gender intertwines tightly with my sexuality, i'll talk about that too. for my sexuality, i knew i liked girls when i was in middle school. i turned my head, looked over to one of my dearest friends in the world, and realized just HOW pretty she was. my heart felt like it froze. my brain said to me, "well, i'm bi." i don't think i'll ever forget that moment. it sparked a huge journey for me that doesn't even feel complete yet. maybe it never will.

i thought i was bi for a really long time. i didn't realize i was a lesbian until i started in college, so we'll get there when we get there.

i think it was freshman year when one of my friends asked me out. he was a boy. he had asked out every girl he had ever befriended, and after me, he went on to ask out more and more, until we were seniors and he was dating freshman. he gave off a goofy, immature vibe, so we never questioned it, but looking back, i should've told him how inappropriate that was. i have no idea where he is now. we were the same age, and he asked me out in the library, where we were surrounded by all our friends. he quieted everyone down before he asked me. again, looking back now, that seems like a manipulation tactic to pressure me into saying yes, as to not embarrass him in front of my friends. so i did, i said yes, and we effectively dated for an hour and a half. after leaving the library, he walked me to my locker before class, and asked for a kiss before we left for each of our classes. i gave him one.

even that quick peck made such a disgusting, slimy, steely feeling immediately rush down my body like painful electricity. i thought maybe it was because i just didn't like him. i never figured it was because i just didn't like boys. i couldn't think straight through that entire period, all i thought of was how bad that felt, about how i needed to get out of whatever relationship he expected from me. after class ended, i left the room and he was waiting for me. i immediately broke up with him, trying to be as gentle and apologetic as i could. i think he was very used to rejection, and wouldn't take it as a deterence, so he actually took the breakup quite gracefully. onto the next one, i suppose. i didn't care. i was just glad to be rid of him.

after that, i started thinking about my gender. i looked on youtube for any videos in regards to both trans women and trans men's experiences. i don't think i was questioning my gender at the same time as my fascination began, i just wanted to know everything i could about the T in lgbt. after that was when i heard about nonbinary identities, and read into them. i ended up jumping around from label to label during my experimental phase, but we'll get to that in a second. very similarly to my bisexual revolution, i read over the definition of demigirl, and thought, "yep, that's me." i ended up returning to that label for a brief time when i first discovered i was a lesbian, but that would quickly fade away when i began clinging to the label in terms of every way to describe my identity. sexuality, gender, self. lesbian.

during high school, i of course went through what some may call a "soft boy" period, but i never identified as a trans man. only different forms of nonbinary. agender, genderfluid, agenderflux. all sorts of words that allowed me to experiment with who i was. i was grateful for that allowance of experimentation without too much pressure to commit. for a while, i went by strictly they/them pronouns. "she" felt like someone fumbling to fit a key into the lock and never quite getting it to fit. "he" felt a bit attractive, but warped. i liked masculine terms such as prince, "soft boy", and even just... boy in general. a young boy. never "he". never a man.

this faded away again once i graduated high school. again i wasn't sure who i was, and just settled on bi demiwoman. getting into college, i discovered compulsory heterosexuality. i read up as much as i could from how lesbians described it, and my third revaluation hit me: "that's me. i'm a lesbian."

finally i felt like i was home. i had wanted to be a lesbian so bad, for so long, but didn't know i just... could be. i never connected the dots of my experience to the lesbian experience. but i was finally able to, and i was finally home. i'm a lesbian.

again, demiwoman still fit for me, as i had read about the nonbinary lesbian experience as well. still, even with going by a technically nonbinary identity, i never thought i was actually nonbinary. i identified too closely with my gender assigned at birth. i couldn't be nonbinary until i refused it.

but it's more complex than that, and i understand that now. being a woman for me is... dysphoric. not for being a woman in itself, but for existing as a woman who exclusively loves other women. a woman who lives under the patriarchy. a woman who is told everywhere and by everyone that i was never and will never fully be a woman. even "gay is okay!" liberals look at lesbians as a watered down version of womanhood. i know they do, i can feel it. it's such an alienating feeling.

i think that's why i feel stuck now. i'm a woman, a lesbian woman, and those two are so interconnected that i could never be one without the other. i could never be a woman if i wasn't a lesbian. never.

but under the patriarchy, under the gaze of men, i feel insecure. i feel lesser-than. i feel like "woman" is an identity i will constantly be clamoring for, always just out of reach. i don't fit the mold, i can't reach the standard.

i don't shave my legs. i shave under my arms much less frequently than other women may. i rarely wear makeup, and when i do, i've abandoned using foundation. my hair is short, and i get it cut by barbers. they raised the price at my barbers by three dollars for "women's cuts" once i started going there.

i love women. god, i love women so much. all that put together makes me an outsider. even when i wear dresses, tights, and put on lipstick, i am still an "other". i feel it, and it feels like everyone must know it. they can see through me. "you're not a real woman."

and yet, i'm assigned female at birth! they know i'm a woman, they glare at my huge chest, they see my curves, and yet they see me and think "do better. put in some effort." i hate it.

this summer i felt what i can only describe as dysphoria. i wore my bikini top and swim trunks into the pool, swimming alone. it was a pool party, consisting of a mix of my family and step family. i was out of sight of most of them, and yet, when i lied on my back in the water, with only my stomach and very large breasts poking out of the water, i felt it. i felt like i had to run, and hide myself. i wanted to cover myself and not look another person in the eyes for at least a week. i didn't want men to look at my chest, or even have the chance to. i hate it. i find my chest can be presented in such a sexy way, i've seen it, i want women to see it and feel hot from looking at it. but that's not an option. men linger, and men prey. other women, straight women, they look away, finding the mix of my cleavage and unshaven legs a disgusting, frankenstein-like mish-mash.

i watched contrapoints' video about dysphoria and related a bit. i thought about what she said in that one scene, imitating a female partner and herself pre-transition.

"why won't you fuck me?" "i don't want to." "why?" "it makes me feel like a man." "but you are a man." "well, i don't want to be."

i'm not a man, either. and yet there's always been this lingering sexual question throughout the years.

in my fantasies, i have a penis. when i use pornography to satisfy my needs, i love to be from the perspective of someone with a penis. i fantasize all on my own about the famous women i crush on being gentle yet dominate with me and my penis.

but i never want to be a man. i never identified with MEN. i don't want a man's penis, and i don't even really want a penis in general. it's a fantasy, and yet it feels so tightly woven in with my sexuality. it's what i like, what i fantasize about. and yet, i can't imagine topping a girl with a strap on. it feels too foreign. too dominate. not my style. in the streets, i'd defend any woman i love, any friends i care about, with as much un-lady like, rowdy screaming, insulting, and fighting as needed. but in the sheets, i want to be taken care of.

the idea of being penetrated is still terrifying to me. i think once i have my first sexual encounter, and am penetrated, perhaps that penis fantasy will fall away, and i will understand that penetration doesn't hurt, and isn't something a woman offers to a man to please him, but something beautiful that two women can partake in in order to please both parties, and even especially the one being penetrated.

it's so confusing. i feel so fucked up by men and their worldview of gender and sex. they truly established themselves in my life as the final judge of all these things, and yet, i'll never encounter one in a way in which he'll judge my naked body and tell me who i am. all i have are the eyes of other men, in my family, the ones in the grocery store, the ones who teach me; they silently decide who i am, and how i'm not living up to the standard.

so i feel i can never be who i am. NO, i feel like who i am is below the standard of everyone else for the same concept. and so, womanhood is distilled from me by strangers. it makes me sit at home alone and feel like a stranger to myself. it makes me feel like other woman can never see me how i want to be seen, or love me how i want to be loved.

and yet... i don't know how i want to be seen. i don't know how i want to be loved.

that's the problem.

*t/e/r/f/s, r/a/d/f/e/m/s, gen/der cr/it folks don't interact*

#long post #personal #it's okay to reblog if you relate to this experience but really that's it #gender dysphoria #gender questioning #nonbinary lesbian #lesbiansafe #txt

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radiqueer · 6 years

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I’ve been trying to figure out how to contribute to the “born this way” conversation, but I’m not fully sure how to articulate my ideas. For me I feel like my identity... like I feel I was “born this way” like I’ve had intermittent dysphoria for as long as I can remember. But also as far as mspec labels go I could ID as pan, or poly, or Omni, but I’ve always felt bi fits and that’s the identity I choose. My partner tho, feels that they, more than anything, chose to be bi (1/2)

My partner feels that they had no inclination towards being anything other than a straight man until well into their thirties, when, due to a lot of factors, they decided any company was good company and decided to see if they liked being with men. They had a good experience, and they feel they could have left it at that but CHOSE to continue to pursue their attraction to men, and then much more recently, in doing their own research about gender identity and being around me (2/3 oops)

They chose to question their gender identity (which as of right now is inconclusive), and my partner feels happy as a bi questioning person, but also felt happy as a straight man and could have remained so but chose to be happy a different way. Idk it’s complicated/messy and I don’t really get it but it’s how my partner feels and I believe them. And then Political lesbianism is a thing. Idk it’s hard for me to wrap my head around I wish I could contribute more. It’s def not one size fits all tho

this makes a ton of sense, thanks for sharing!

I feel like - in a lot of ways, being queer and identifying as queer changed me as a person. it changed everything, from the way I think about and approach new topics, the way I see myself and the world, my politics, my tastes in books and art. queerness is fundamental to me, but I can conceive not being queer. if I didn’t know it was an option to identify this way, if I didn’t grow in a home that encouraged me to question and pursue new avenues, I would be a different person. and I cannot with any certainty say that I would definitely identify as queer at some point, if not at 14 then at 17, 19, 25, 40. I think I am happier for being queer, because it is relieving to share an experience and a community (things which have been difficult for me in the past) with people who love and support me. I like having a voice and an opinion on issues. I like my politics. I don’t like being discriminated against, but who does?

there are so many ways to have a fluid identity. you can be the same person all your life with the same experiences and label yourself differently over time. like your partner. one could be happy in one’s assigned roles but happier in a different set that they sought out and choose (kudos to your partner for keeping an open mind and allowing themselves to be happy in a non-normative way, btw), you can have a fluid identity that changes with time, you can be one thing and identify as another, you can refuse a labels on principle, you can be a political lesbian (or it’s equivalents, I suppose? I don’t know if we have something analogous to political lesbianism in other queer subgroups. I think certain parts of the ace community are the closest we’ve come)

the problem is the idea that there’s only one way to be and feel about queerness and identity and labels. which, IME, is what the BTW crowd seeks to do - normalise us because we are an expression of naturally occurring human diversity. we deserve equality because we are people, just slightly different, and we didn’t choose to be this way any more than you did. it’s not our fault! give us some money! [/s]

people who are written over by this narrative, in no particular order:

questioning people who don’t even know whether they’re straight - they may or may not be

nb people who are often told we are special snowflakes, a symptoms of the excesses of liberal/left wing politics. that we wouldn’t exist if not for the internet [true of me if not for you / ymmv]

bisexual and mspec people

people with fluid identities

people who choose to present a certain way

political [orientation]

people who are choosing to not labels themselves out of fear

people whose identity is informed by trauma

etc

the problem is the dichotomy that seems to be essential to this debate - that you can only have one or the other, that people on one side keep trying to erase the opposing narrative. I frankly don’t know. I’ve only been a part of this debate for a few months and all my thoughts about BTW are informed by personal experience and what I have stumbled across on tumblr. not a comprehensive start by any means. but ime it’s always the BTWs who are trying to shove differing narratives away, and not the choicers. maybe @korrasera and i have different experiences! in fact, I think we have very different experiences

The problem I’m trying to highlight, the whole reason I made this post, is that I’ve never seen someone suggest that only BTW is valid. In fact, the only times I’ve ever seen people discussing BTW was to specifically suggest that we have to do whatever we can to erase it as an idea because they perceive it as being inherently exclusionary, as though the existence of people who were BTW meant that people could not be queer, gay, lesbian, or trans without having been born in that state. I think it’s a reasonable assumption to consider such intentions as being somewhat noble, since they’re meant to criticize and deconstruct social constructs of legitimacy, but I literally never see the topic raised without it being ‘let’s get rid of the idea that BTW people exist, it’s not true and it hurts the cause’.

[emphasis added all mine; taken from this post]

I have a different experience. I’ve seen BTW discussed as the only right way to be, and not only by exclusionists (I wouldn’t be able to find receipts on this - I remade my blog recently, and lost all my likes and the people I was following). even when I talk to people irl, I’m forced to resort to a narrative I don’t have any stake in to get my point across, a narrative that doesn’t help me. it’s frustrating and alienating. and I still don’t think we should do away with BTW. I think we make room for people like me to exist and talk, and define clearly what it means so more people can figure out whether or not they fit.

I read around some while I was writing this post, so here’s some stuff tangential but essential to my thoughts:

this post about the relationship of radfems to what constitutes essential womanhood

this post by the same user about why some people may choose a certain labels

another post by the same user

this post, which possibly everyone has read, but I was thinking about this part (emphasis mine)

My girlfriend Marna has been a queer activist since the late 80s. She’s told me about the incredible deliberation and debates LGBTQ+ activists had, in the late 90s and early 00s as the community began to see past the AIDS crisis and immediate goals of “surviving a plague” and “burying our dead.” There were a lot of things we wanted to achieve, but we had to decide how to allocate our scarce reserves of money, labour, publicity, and public goodwiil. Those were the discussions that decided the next big goals we’d pursue were same-sex marriage equality and legal recognition of medical gender transition.

From hearing her tell it, it seems like it was actually a wrenching decision, because it absolutely left a lot of people in the dust. A lot of people, her included, had broad agendas based on sexual freedom and the rights of people to do whatever they wanted with their bodies and consenting partners—and they agreed to put their broader concerns aside and drill down, very specifically, onto the rights of cis gays and lesbians to marry, and the ability to legally change your sex and gender.

As a political tactic it was terrifically effective. […]

Activists of 20 years ago chose to sideline and diminish efforts to blur and abolish the gender binary. Efforts to promote alternative family structures, including polyamorous families and non-sexual bonds between non-related adults. Efforts to fight the Christian cultural message that sex is dirty, sinful, bad, and in need of containment. Efforts to promote sexual pleasure as a positive good.

I couldn’t tell you why these posts stuck out to me while I was writing this, but they do a better job, by and large, of contextualising what I’ve said here

#sorry for hijacking ur point into a longwinded ramble #it stands pretty damn well on its own #im just rambly #original #born this way

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quincywrites · 2 years

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“Insert Label Here”

For a lot of us, sexuality is a considerable part of our identity but it is commonly kept hidden and “in our closets”. There are ideas around labels and coming out that need to change in order for this not to be a thing we keep hidden.

My sexuality has been a roller coaster. I came out as bisexual in fith grade and stuck with that label until sixth grade. Then in seventh grade, I went back into the closet, and in eighth grade I came out as a lesbian. Now, in ninth grade, people would say I am bi. I say “people would say” and not “I identify as'' because to be honest I don’t. Bisexual is defined as sexually attracted to two or more genders . All I really know about my sexuality is that I am not straight. I haven’t really figured out the whole preference thing, however I believe I have one, and I also haven’t found a label. To me, labels feel restricting. I feel as if people expect me to fit into that label perfectly, however that might not be the case. For instance, if I end up only dating only men then I would feel invalidated by that label. So, what do I identify as? Personally I don't fully identify with any label. Labels are a way to stereotype people. They stop you from being your true authentic self.

Now why would I want to keep this all a secret, or more ironically: in the closet? You do not owe anyone a label or explanation of your sexuality. Some people may feel the need for a label to feel validation in their sexuality, but I believe we should leave this mindset behind. As I have figured out, trying to find a label is difficult and can drain you. You search for definitions upon definitions, and still can’t find that perfect one. You feel alone and as if the feelings you are experiencing are not real; no one else experiences them. I felt this way for quite a while, and I have finally come to terms with the fact that there is not a ‘perfect’ label for me, and that this doesn't make my sexuality any less valid. We should not have to spend time and energy on looking for a label. Just be who you are.

There is one flaw however to this idea of no labels: coming out. Because I don't identify specifically with anything I have found it harder to come out. Instead of just saying “I’m bi” I have struggled to find the words to describe what I am. I usually end up with queer or not straight. This is usually acceptable until you get that one person who is persistent on getting an exact explanation of queer. They don’t understand that that is the point of the word queer there is no exact definition for it. In response to such a person, I usually end up using labels to define my lack of labels. This is counterintuitive. We need to step away from this idea of needing labels, as it prevents people from coming out, and being who they actually are. So, when someone says they don’t identify with any label, leave it at that. As I said earlier: they do not owe anyone any explanation of THEIR sexuality.

Quincy Adams

#sexuality #gay #labels #lesbian #opnion #queer

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scribbleheaded · 3 years

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So we've been thinking about gender a lot and heres the general consensus:

We overall identify as genderfluid when we are acting as a collective. This fits the shifts that come with switches and allows for all the range of gender expressions and attitudes from within the system. It's kinda like how we collectively identify as bisexual even though individual parts may identify as lesbian, gay, or ace. Bisexual just sums up our general behavior the best and until more recently it also summed up our primary hosts sexuality. But I'll get into that conflict later. None of us really like generalizing our sexuality or gender but we've found it to be the best solution for talking about these things without disclosing the DID. People close to us can know about it but the average peer or acquaintance needs a summary that excludes the DID details.

I individually identify as bigender. It's a label that has stuck out to me and it fits better than anything else. I'm a man and a woman at once. And everything in between and every combo of the two. And I'm something else entirely. But im definitely definitively both, so I like the label bigender. Plus then I'm bi²

On a similar note, I really want to use neopronouns but I dont really have accepting people in my life to try them with right now. But if anyone on here wants to send me asks or help me try out pronouns I'm really wanting to see how xe/xem and hy/hym and ve/vem feel. I also have been going by Dylan irl instead of Delaney but Dylan is also a name of a part which complicates things. I'd like a name that's just mine, but until I find one, I identify most strongly with our names Dylan and Delaney. I also like to be referred to as Syd when Syd and I are piloting together.

Syds gender hasn't really changed as they are still solidly agender. But they've been really enjoying our collective shift to exploring more masc presentation. And I feel like thought their feelings or presentation havent changed, directly labeling themselves as agender has been a positive shift forward with regards to accepting ourselves. I sense a lot of joy in exploring gender from the tweens and teens, and that has made the hard work of accepting this part of ourselves a lot more rewarding.

And then there's Dylan. Shes an interesting part. She is very connected with womanhood but only as it applies to loving women. Shes butch and shes a prince but as a woman. Her gender is complicated but very close to Dyke in nature. Dyke, it goes without saying, defines her gender as Dyke. Dylan and Dyke have been stepping up a lot in the hole Molly left last fall in maintaining our external real world life. They're a great help to me honestly but it's a shift in how we live our life which has created problems. I know Molly and Rachel don't like the idea of taking the risk of being super out and proud of being genderweird and into women, but I dont think hiding our identity really saved us any pain in the past. There is definitely conflict there though. So many conversations about sexuality and gender and safety. And monogamy. I'm so tired of the arguments about monogamy. Its exhausting to listen to.

It's hard to balence all of our wants sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I hear tumblr discourse just repeated in my brain. Someone is angry because they feel Dylan and Dyke leaning into their attraction to women and rejecting other parts attraction to men is perpetuating our collective internalized biphobia. This part argues that Dylan and Dyke are a reaction of our continued feeling from our highschool gsa that we weren't valid for loving women if we were still attracted to men, this is our internalized biphobia no doubt. From the opposite end though, I hear Dylan argue that their acceptance of their lesbianism is an expression of our system working through our trauma and internalized homophobia. It's an expression of love for our love of women despite our mothers abuse and despite all those who made us feel wrong, dirty, predatory or a freak for being attracted to women. I think they're both right. I know parts of us feel like we aren't valid in our attraction to women unless we reject our attraction to men, but I also know that Dyke and Dylan being proud lesbians really has helped us in our healing process from the bullying and abuse we endured over our attraction to women. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I hope we can hit a point when our attraction to people doesn't make us feel ashamed and like we have to choose one part of ourself over another.

That of course gets into the monogamy discourse inside but I think we need to sort through it more before sharing. In any case it was enlightening to write all of this down. And this isnt even going into the trans masculine parts feelings on gender or sexuality which is a whole can of worms that the more conventional ANPs (apparently normal parts) are still processing. Many of us dont feel like we can publically claim those parts of our identity because we are so often perceived as a woman and since so many of us are connected with womanhood. But we have strong connections with manhood too and sometimes I wish I could express pride or even just less shame around those parts and feelings. I've seen other bigender people speak on being both mlm and wlw and that's been enlightening to see and hits very close to our expirences. I'm hoping more exposure to more queer communities will help us feel more comfortable with this. Something to work on. I'm excited to explore my gender presentation and actually tell people to use they/them and Mx. this upcoming semester though. I'm excited to publically claim the more masculine parts of myself and actually lean into being genderweird.

Anyway thanks for reading this far and like if you read it all if you want. Also plz dont add to our internal discourse. The arguments inside are more than enough lol

#dont reblog #personal #actuallydid #gender and sexuality #dylan has been reading butler lately #got a lot of folks talking inside if you cant tell

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hazlouquitefinished · 6 years

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How did you know you're a lesbian? Like, I get the part of liking girls and all, but how were you sure that it's for real real? I've been thinking a lot lately, I've been attracted to girls, I've had a gf, but it's purely physical, and I broke it off when I noticed that she's catching feelings. I also notice I tend to mute other blogs I follow who posts lesbian stuff, not the physical wanna sex with you ones but really wholesome and nice posts, lovely posts, romantic post, and proud posts. (1)

Anonymous said:I also don’t like butch lesbians, like when I see one, and sorry in advance, I tend to think ‘eewww god what’. BUT THEN i also find myself flirting with some, given the chance. I don’t know if I’m being homophobic already or if I’m just scared of the fact that I’m actually gay. But you know, i don’t know. Please help me out here. Like, I know I’m okay with people’s sexuality, I’m all human rights and representation for all spectrum, (2)

I quickly argue with anyone in the family, especially my religious mom, whenever they say something awful about the topic, so I know I’m all for it. I also know I’m no longer just curious, I think that train of excuse has long gone by now after all I’ve tried hahaha. So, I’m really running out of views here and I was hoping you can shed a bit light on me. Please. If I’m being homophobic already, I really would like to change it. (3)

Hey, friend. Thank you for seeing me as someone you can come to for advice like this - I’m more than happy to help out if I can.

To start off, I strongly identify with lots of parts of your question; I remember feeling very similarly before I came to terms with my identity. I’m going to point out parts of your asks that are familiar to me, and I’m going to give you some resources you can go to, to help you learn more about yourself. Sound good?

Firstly, the main question you seem to be asking - am I gay? - is a difficult one because, ultimately, only you can know the answer to that. Believe me, I know that’s frustrating to hear because I remember asking the same question (am I gay?) to a lesbian blog and feeling frustrated because no one was able to just tell me what/who I was.

That said, here’s the parts of your ask that are familiar to me:

1. Not being sure if it’s “real real”.

This feeling is so familiar to me, and to almost all of the lesbians I know. Especially toward the beginning of ID-ing as gay, I often asked myself if I was “faking” or wondering how I was so sure that I was gay. I’d ask myself all the time - what if I’m just faking it for attention?? I know that might sound weird to non-lesbians reading this ask, but it’s a hugely relatable lesbian concept! That feeling faded with time, and it’s primarily a result of internalized homophobia and compulsive heterosexuality. Don’t be intimidated by those concepts if you’ve never heard of them - I’ll explain them more later.

In addition to wondering if I was “faking it”, there was also a huge fear of “committing” to being a lesbian. It felt like I would go past the “point of no return” once I started ID-ing as gay. I want you to know that that’s not true, even if it feels like that. I “tried out” a lot of different labels before I realized I was a lesbian, and I only ever felt that “point of no return” feeling with gay/lesbian. That’s telling in itself.

I thought I was demisexual heterosexual, I thought I was bisexual, I thought I was pansexual, I thought I was extremely sexually fluid (you can ask me about that if you like, that’s a whole separate story in itself!), I ID-ed as queer for a long time - but there was always something about gay/lesbian. It made me uncomfortable for a long time, it scared me, it didn’t give me much relief when I first started using it, but it still stuck to me and stayed in the back of my head.

I want you to know that you can start to ID privately as gay/lesbian (just to yourself, just to see how it feels) and I promise you that you can take it back if it doesn’t feel right.

2. Feeling scared/anxious/uncomfortable about either the idea of romantic and/or physical attraction to women.

This is another very familiar part of lesbianism to me. I was sort of the opposite - I was comfortable with the idea of romantic attraction, but physical/sexual attraction scared me and made me uncomfortable. This concept is so common among lesbians, I can’t even tell you - almost every single lesbian I know has felt this way.

We either start off by being scared of sex and comfortable with romance, or scared of romance and comfortable with sex. That’s 100% normal and common within the lesbian experience, and it absolutely gets better over time. More on this concept in the resources I’ll provide for you later.

3. Being scared of the fact that you might be gay.

Your comment about religious family members makes me ache with familiarity. I grew up in a very similar situation. Being surrounded by religion-enforced homophobia sucks, and it makes it so, so much harder to see yourself for what you really are.

I remember being 17 or 18, struggling so much with finding a label that fit me, and I said to myself, “Maybe I’m gay.” It was 2-3 years before I was able to start ID-ing that way.

That was terrifying at the time - I had to shove the “maybe I’m gay” thought away for months and months before I could even think of it again - but it was so brave and important, because it allowed me time to think about it and become comfortable with it. Bottom line - it’s okay if it scares you. It scared me, too.

4. Arguing with family about LGBTQ+ issues but being unsure why you feel so strongly about it.

This was me to a T. I have felt very strongly about LGBTQ+ issues for as long as I can remember. I thought I was just a good ally, or just an inclusive/tolerant person (the area I lived in was very homophobic), but other people always questioned why I had such an intense opinion on these topics. Many, many lesbians have a similar experience. We grew up fighting family members on LGBTQ+ issues, but we didn’t really know why we felt so strongly until later.

5. Being interested in women longer than would be considered “curious”.

The way I rationalized my attraction toward women back when I first started my “sexuality journey” was “normal curiosity”. The media tells you that it’s healthy/normal to be curious about the same sex, and that may be true, but I found myself having a sustained interest beyond just curiosity. I always felt drawn to women, more than my friends and peers were - and I definitely justified it as curiosity for a lot longer than other people would, because the alternative scared me.

That was a lot of information at once, I’m sorry for the overload! Just to be clear: this isn’t me telling you that you’re 10000% absolutely gay. This is just me identifying parts of your story that are familiar to me, and sharing them with you in the hopes that it helps you.

I’ll say this: if you’re asking yourself/other people if you’re gay, then you probably are gay. Another blog told me that same thing when I asked them if I “sounded gay” to them, and it was a huge comfort to me while I struggled with embracing the label of gay/lesbian.

I want to share a few resources with you that were also really helpful to me while I was in your position. They’re all helpful, but if you only read a few of them - 1, 2, and 5 were the most helpful to me.

1) Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

2) Compulsive heterosexuality story

3) Compulsive heterosexuality story 2

4) Letting go of potential male attraction

5) Internalized Homophobia

A gentle reminder, because I know that it’s hard to acknowledge some types of female attraction, and it’s possible to have a strict “type” that you’re attracted to (for instance, I wasn’t attracted to femme women initially when I started ID-ing as a lesbian) - in the future, please be a little more conscious/kinder of your comments on butch lesbians. We’re people, too!

All of that said: I’m wishing you so much love and sending lots of healing thoughts to you, friend. This is a very, very complicated - and sometimes painful - journey to go on, and I don’t want you to have to go through it alone. My ask box or messages are always open if you need clarification or more help, or if you just need someone to talk to.

Whatever you are, whatever you want to identify as, whatever you’re comfortable with: it’s all fine. You could be gay, but you could also be anything else. I just want you to know that this community will love and support you regardless of how you identify.

All the love in the world to you, sweet anon. I hope this was helpful. 💕

#lesbian #asks #💕💕💕💕

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lohveandfilm · 4 years

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Pariah and the Ecstasy of Being a Queer Black Woman

On the day we were supposed to talk about Pariah in class, I found myself on the bus asking one of my fellow classmates what they thought of the film. I was shocked when I heard the word they used to describe it: “melodramatic.” I was honestly very confused; obviously the film was a drama, but when I think of things that are “melodramatic,” I think of TV shows like Pretty Little Liars or Riverdale. The only aspect of Pariah I could think of that was even close to melodramatic was the reaction of Audrey to her daughter’s coming out, but even that seemed utterly realistic to me. I’ve heard plenty of stories of kids who’d been kicked out of the house after coming out, and many of them had been unable to stay connected to any family member in the way Alike was with her father. When I looked up the film later, I noticed it was released in 2011, almost a decade ago at this point. I began to wonder if films like Pariah were starting to lose their impact because of something I often think of as sort of the “Obama effect.” I conceptualize this effect as the response some people have to hearing about racism in a post-Obama world, which is that things aren’t perfect, but we had a black president so they can’t be that bad. Abdur-Rahman acknowledges this phenomenon in The Black Ecstatic: “In the post-civil rights era, we who are black currently find ourselves simultaneously postfree and not yet free.” The same effect, I propose, has infiltrated our thinking since the legalization of gay marriage in America. I don’t find this is something people often express consciously or that people are even aware they have this kind of mindset. I think, rather, that once we pass such a momentous and highly publicized milestone, it can be hard for people not living within those communities to visualize what the next step is. This is not to shame my classmate or anyone else who shares their opinion; we all have so much learning we could do on social issues that do not directly affect us, and I don’t in any way think I have a perfect perspective even on the subject of queerness. Instead, I am trying to use this experience to look at Pariah both for how it was relevant in 2011 and how it continues to be relevant today and in the future.

To ignore the racial and gender complexities in Pariah would be a disservice to the story. Dee Rees wasn’t just making a queer film; she was making a black butch lesbian film. While I think there are strong messages about familial love, queer romantic love, and friendship running throughout Pariah, I see the most powerful message as being about self-love and self-acceptance. Alike knows she’s gay; that’s not a point of contention in the film. The journey we see in this period of Alike’s life is that of a girl exploring her relationship with stereotypes of gender, sexuality, and race, and the intersections between the three. Much of this story felt familiar from other films and from real life. I’m thinking specifically about Alike’s mother trying desperately to convince her daughter to wear feminine clothing, a tactic that my own mother tried, albeit with significantly less homophobia tied into her reasoning. I could have told Alike’s mother that it wouldn’t work, that by pushing for feminine clothing she was actually pushing Alike away from wearing it. What really stuck out to me, though, was the sequence in which Alike tries wearing a strap-on to the club. Her discomfort with the prosthetic penis is immediately palpable, and that discomfort isn’t just a result of the physical feeling of wearing it. You get the sense in this moment that while Alike is exploring what being a girl means to her, she’s still just that: a girl. Rees is emphasizing the importance of the butch lesbian identity as separate from the male identity and also highlighting Alike’s unique relationship with the “butch” label by contrasting her with Laura. While I don’t think the Nussbaum reading on loving an individual applies much to Pariah, I do think Alike’s development as an individual in a broader community is a key aspect of her story.

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In the ending of the film, Alike makes a choice. She chooses to leave the world she knows and the people she loves to attain a better future for herself, where she can express her identity and her talent without fear. She sets herself on the path to finding the ecstasy in being a queer black woman, even if that means upending her whole world. The Black Ecstatic refers to this intertwined relationship between ecstasy and pain in stating, “[t]he unruly structure and experience of ecstasy carry the risks of overwhelm and destruction – even as ecstasy eventuates in renewal after the disastrous event.” In order for Alike to become the person she wants to and can be, she must leave Laura and her father, who clearly loves her even if he doesn’t know how to navigate her homosexuality. The Greek root of ecstasy, according to Abdur-Rahman, translates as “to be or stand outside of oneself, a removal to elsewhere.” While this would typically refer to a sort of out-of-body experience, Pariah fits this definition in the literal sense; only through removal from her current environment, in which she is inherently connected to the pain caused by her family and their friends, can Alike flourish. We presume that her journey won’t be perfect, and she will surely encounter sexism, racism, and homophobia wherever she goes. The important note, though, is that she will be given the opportunity to fight for herself without an inescapable connection holding her back. In her new space, she will transform into a new person, one without a surrounding social structure that masks her ability to feel the ecstasy of embracing her identity.

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poisonhemloc · 7 years

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Okay I’m rambling for a bit about Masquerada and since I can’t tell if I’m being pretentious or not I’m putting it here rather than on the Discord channel.

Some spoilers for the game under the cut, also this turned out huge.

Basically for some unknown reason after finishing the game again I got a subplot from 1984 stuck in my head cause I think it applies to Ombre pretty well. Specifically, the “cutting down the language” bit.

Those of you who have played the game might know where I’m going with this; Kalden, aka the only responsible parent of the group who Does Not Deserve What Happens/Happened To Him, is Talios; in game, this is the single overarching term for Masquerada who do not bear blood related children to continue their Legacies. And obviously in Ombric culture it’s seen as extremely bad (Side note: I don’t think the Contadani are included in the whole “Ombre dislikes people who are Talios” thing; they don’t get Legacies or really seem to have as much of a reason to carry on family lines like Masquerada so I don’t think they care as much).

So, here’s my thing; Talios is the single overarching term for people who will not continue their families Legacies, and we see it applied to a gay man. And the only information we get for it throughout the game is all in the context of “Kalden, who is a man attracted to other men, is Talios.” But, the codex entry says it applies to anyone who doesn’t have blood related children, meaning that gay/lesbian people fall under that umbrella, and so do bi and pan people who do not have a different sex partner (see the below bit about trans/genderfluid/agender folks below, it got too long), or ace people who don’t have or want a partner, or anyone who is infertile or cannot have kids for medical reasons. That’s a big list and I know I’m missing people in that. And there is one single word: Talios. That all being said, Kalden was in a devoted relationship with another man, ran an orphanage, and basically was the father to eleven kids. He has a family, and judging by Vint, his oldest, they all consider him and Jaxus as their dads. But they are not related by blood so he (and Jaxus) are Talios. His brother Razitof, on the other hand, had no partner (he never mentions anyone in his journal) had no children, and never seemed to want any, but is not considered Talios. So it’s possible that Cicero was tiptoeing around the actual definition of Talios in his codex entry with “will not continue the family’s Legacy” and it is the only term for Ombre’s queer citizens; but since I’d have to ask the development team that directly and I don’t want to right now, whether Cicero was beating around the bush or not is something we can also discuss, since that’s an interesting possibility.

So, to go back to 1984, no one under the Talios label can talk about their experiences specifically. You have one word to try and fit a dozen separate identities and some of them are because you’re queer and we can argue that some of them are because you don’t want kids or because you can’t have kids but the one word covers it all. In 1984, language is being cut down so that you cannot express ideas the state determines to be dangerous; it doesn’t matter if previously something was terrible, awful, a serious threat to one’s health, and so on; now it is all double plus ungood and none of those other words exist. In Ombre, there is only has one word to start with but there is no interest in expanding the vocabulary. If you have someone who is attracted to multiple genders and someone attracted to the same gender and someone who isn’t attracted to anyone and lump them under a single label with, and this is important, no other words to use, they are going to have a hard time talking about their experiences. As an example, it would be like if the only word we had to describe every identity and orientation was queer. Now, currently queer is a useful umbrella term; if you don’t want to explain to someone you’re a genderfluid panromantic asexual because that explanation will take a while if they don’t know the terms, queer covers it all handily. But if queer is the only word, and it’s covering you and you haven’t changed, but also it’s the only word for the man who is only into other men across the road and also the only word for the woman two houses down who doesn't do romantic or sexual attraction at all and all of you are very different but you are queer and that’s it? None of you can talk about your different experiences because there’s just the one term.

I’m not entirely sure where I want to go with this, beyond a deep wish to sit down with Kalden (...and Cicero, honestly, dude’s not straight. I’ve seen people say he’s aro/ace and I think he’s closer to homoromantic ace everyone’s head cannon is valid here) and talk about the words we have, if only so someone has the vocabulary to talk about this stuff and tell other.

Now, the trans* bit I promised: We don’t know how trans people are treated in Ombre. They are not brought up in game at all, which, I understand you’re not gonna out yourself while the Inspetorre is running around chasing Fey, but no mention in the slightest unless I missed some side characters talking to each other. Personally I’m leaning towards trans(and nonbinary, and agender, and gender fluid, and if I’m missing groups of people please tell me) people get a don’t say anything kinda situation and as long as you have kids you’re good, if you’re in the Masquerada. Honestly I think the Contadani and Mask Runners are going to have different views on everything compared to what the Masquerada think, if only because they don’t have Legacies to uphold and therefore, why care? Especially with no religious anything to misinterpret and use to attack people. They might have their own words, meet up places, their own culture but since we play the game with four members of the Masquerada and a (former) Mask Runner, we don’t get to see that.

#PoisonHemloc's rambles #masquerada: songs and shadows #honestly I haven't touched 1984 for at least 5 years so idk why I thought of this #if i screwed up on a term let me know please #queer #tagging the word cause some people have a problem i know but not tagging it as a slur and if someone has a problem ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#kalden azrus #since i'm focusing more on him #now seriously I want to hear everyone's opinions so don't be shy

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strangerinsidethetardis · 7 years

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(this is a long personal post, feel free to scroll past it)

okay, so, I’m gonna try that whole talking/typing out my feelings thing to see if I can get to a conclusion quicker

all my life, I’ve never been really interested in people, in the romantic or sexual way. I’ve had a few “crushes” on boys when I was a kid and then a teenager, but I see now that my feelings were just “really want to be friends with them and talk about things we have in common”.

when I was fifteen, I got into tumblr and, due to having been in fandoms known for fetishizing male homosexuality, found the lgbt community. Eventually, I came across the definition of asexuality, and it resonated with me. I had never felt sexual desire towards another person, not even the desire to kiss or cuddle or anything “intimate” like that.

I struggled with it a bit, kinda stuck in the mindset that maybe I was just a “regular” straight girl who hadn’t found the right guy yet; I thought I was a “””late bloomer”””.

Eventually I started identifying as asexual and aromantic.

That didn’t change when I fell in love and entered a relationship with a girl, at eighteen. By then I’d read a lot about how asexuality can “overlap” with other orientations, and I thought I was either a homoromantic ace, or aroace with an exception.

Fast forward about three years, and I’ve started distancing myself from liberal feminism and identity politics. The term “political lesbianism” interests me, because I’ve never been really close to men, and definitely have zero interest in pursuing any sort of non-platonic relationship with them, while at the same time I’ve always been drawn to women. But hat term is very, very polemic, even in rad circles, with some people posing very good arguments in favor of it, and other posing very good arguments against it, so I let it go.

By now I’ve also learned that what I thought was a social anxiety disorder may actually just be a symptom of my ADHD: rejection-sensitive dysphoria. In short, it’s a very strong fear of rejection. I fit every criteria, every definition of it, better than social anxiety or even avoidant personality disorder, which I once considered a possibility.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe my lack of interest in people was a coping mechanism for that deep fear of being rejected. Maybe some part of me is interested in (aka attracted to) people, and I just hid it because the idea of approaching someone and getting disgusted faces in return hurt too much.

I love my girlfriend and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her. I’m also very curious as to what would it be like to flirt with other girls, to find out if I really would be rejected by any and everyone. I’m curious about what would it be like to live like I’m free - not from my relationship, but from my own fears and insecurities.

I’m kinda transitioning (lol) into identifying as a lesbian. That’s how the world sees me, as a woman in a relationship with another woman, and I’ve come to realize that, if my current relationship ever ended, I probably would like to pursue another one - exclusively with women. I want to read on lesbian history, watch movies (the good, the sad, the bad), find a community I can relate to. I want to be surrounded by other women who love women, no matter the shape of that love, and I want to be free to discuss feminism and politics and relationships and mundane things. I want to have female friends, lesbian friends, to be able to analyze and distance myself, as much as possible, from male influence and interests.

But I also feel unworthy - because I still can’t look at pretty girls or beautiful women and have sexual thoughts about them. I feel really uncomfortable when I see lesbians talking about “sitting on faces” out of nowhere. I have a personal policy of talking about sex only when it’s fully consented to (ie personal conversations), or if it’s at least warned for (like on social media). That’s part of what attracted me to the “ace community”.

That, and the fact that I’ve only been in one relationship with a girl, makes me feel like I’m not “worthy” of calling myself a lesbian. Maybe I’m not one, at the end of the day. Maybe I’m still just ace and fooling myself into thinking I could belong to a community with actually supportive members.

I don’t know.

tl;dr: I want to call myself a lesbian bc, in practical terms, that’s what I am, but I don’t feel like I “deserve” the label.

#personal #long post #rejection sensitive dysphoria #rsd tag #idk

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shades-of-grayro · 7 years

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The following is an ask-submission:

Ok, I’m submitting my ask because the word limit didn’t let me write everything I wanted, sorry…

Firstly, I’d like to say your blog is amazing and I’m so glad I stumbled upon it!

Secondly, I was wondering if you could help me determine my romantic orientation… I’m having a real hard time figuring it out… When it comes to sexuality I know I’m demissexual; I have sexual attraction towards many people but would never actually have anything with them If we didn’t share a strong bond… But on the aromantic spectrum I’m really stuck between some definitions… I would like to be in a romantic relationship theoretically but in real life I don’t seem to be able to. I thought about being demiromantic but I’ve had one of my best friends fall in love with me once and I didn’t want anything with him… Then I saw the definition for “lithromantic” and everything seemed to fit except the part where it says “They do not need the affection to be reciprocated” because I’m not sure that’s what it is… If I fell in love of course I would like my affection reciprocated but there just can’t seem to be anyone out there who understands me and syncs with me enough in order for me to want to share such level of intimacy with them… I don’t know, maybe I’m just gray-romantic in a general aspect? I would really like to settle this down because giving it a name always makes you more normal and confortable with not being like most people are… Because sometimes I get to thinking how many people around me have had relationships and I’m going to be 20 this year and my experiences in that area are so limited… Just feels like there’s something off with me sometimes… Not that I feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy but I just think it would be nice to experience something like that and not to waste my youth, you know?

Thank you in advance!

Thanks for writing! I have a very long answer for you too :)

So the first thing I want to clarify is that the definition of demisexual means that you do not feel sexual attraction at all until you have an emotional bond with the other person, which is different from feeling attraction but not acting on it until the bond is there. That is not me saying that you can’t be ace-spec or even demisexual, just that what you described is not demisexuality. [Edit: On my first reading, I interpreted the "anything" in your ask as "sex" but it might have been "sexual attraction" and if that is the case the above part doesn't apply so much.] I doubt you would be questioning if you were a-spec if you were not in fact a-spec. What I have noticed from my own experience, and from listening to others’ experiences, is that you settle into identities as you shed your internalized heteronormativity. I started to feel more and more asexual as I continued identifying that way because I was letting myself be asexual. Same goes for being aromantic. I first started identifying as grey-ace and alloromantic. Now I identify as totally asexual and will alternate between calling myself aromantic and greyromantic, depending on the context. Before I started questioning, I didn’t let myself be asexual and/or aromantic. I tried to force myself to be allo. Once I consciously stopped forcing myself to be anything, it was a lot easier to see what I was actually experiencing.

I would like to focus for a moment on this part of what you wrote:

I would really like to settle this down because giving it a name always makes you more normal and confortable with not being like most people are… Because sometimes I get to thinking how many people around me have had relationships and I’m going to be 20 this year and my experiences in that area are so limited… Just feels like there’s something off with me sometimes… Not that I feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy but I just think it would be nice to experience something like that and not to waste my youth, you know?

While it is true that identification with a minority group (”giving it a name”) does generally help people be more at peace with themselves, you do not get to that point the moment you say, okay I admit it, I am _____________________. There are researchers who create stage models for this process. Here is one for race, and here are a bunch for being gay/lesbian. If you look at the first one on the second link, you would probably be around stage 1 or 2. You want to be at stage 5/6, but you gotta go through stages 3 and 4 to get there. And those stages can be uncomfortable, and you will feel uncertain at times, but it is worth it. In any of those models, first identifying with a label (or disidentifying with the norm) is only the first or second step. The magic comes when you let the label sit (even if it is a broad one, like a-spec) and see where it takes you. And you can’t rush it.

Personally, I first started questioning whether I was asexual when I was around your age. I eventually dismissed the thought and just said I was straight but “close to asexual.” About a year later, I had a decidedly non-straight thought about a girl, and told myself I would be open to see if I had any other similar feelings. I did, and started identifying as bisexual. However, I still felt behind the curve as I had never had any relationships or even my first kiss. Then I met a guy on Tinder and had a sexual experience where we basically went as far as you could go with clothes on. After, I was happy for the experience because I had been very curious, but also I never wanted that to happen again, even with people who I previously thought I might want that with. That was when I started identifying as a-spec. I am not going to give the rest of my story of coming to terms with my identity here, but I am going to direct you to the past two carnival of aces posts I wrote where I wrote about my coming to terms with my identity and how that would impact my future [March, April], because I think that will help you. It’s been almost four years now since I had that first doubt that I might be ace, and two years since I started identifying as a-spec, and I would say that not until very recently (as in, the past few months) did I feel very comfortable and secure in my identity.

In general, try to read as many stories from others as you can, because you will start to hear yourself in bits and pieces of them, and it helps a lot. Explore the labels, explore the stories of people as identify as those labels. Most importantly, let yourself be whatever you are. Don’t try to force yourself to be anything. Tell yourself “It is okay if I am not attracted to anyone sexually” and “It is okay if I am sexually attracted to others.” Same goes for romance. Tell yourself it is okay if you are anything, and you will find yourself naturally being what you are. Only then will you figure out what label truly fits. But it does take time, so don’t worry if you can’t get there overnight :)

-mod fitz

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i-like-your-genitalia · 7 years

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I want to know as much as I can about you, could you please answer all of the questions from the pride month questionnaire?

1. what is your sexuality?

I identity as bisexual at the moment ♥️

2. what do you identify as?

I identify as female (my designated/biological gender)

3. how long have you been aware of your sexuality/identity?

I realised, or identified myself as bisexual when I was 15, so that 3-4 years ago!

4. do you have any preferences?

I would say generally I go for guys, but it changes all the time sometimes I feel more attracted to women and other times to men. I would say on average 60% to men 40% to women.

5. share a positive memory about coming out!

I think all my friends were just chill, one of my good friends came out as bisexual and then transgender. And I’m not sure if they still identify as bi or if they identify as gay. But that was kinda the first of my friends to come out, and it wasn’t a big deal. So when others in the group came out. It was kinda just “oh cool, join the club!”

6. how do you feel about pride month?

It’s awesome, I think having a month where sexuality’s and identities can celebrated in the open and appreciated in awesome! For so long those in the LGBT++ community have been taught to ashamed of who they are. And having a month were it’s celebrated is fantastic!

7. do you participate in pride related events? any other events?

Unfortunately no, I’m not out with a lot of family, my sister and a few cousins know. But it’s not something I want to risk at the moment! So I as much I want to involve myself in pride. I can’t at the moment

8. how do you feel about lgbtqa roles in media?

We need more, it’s amazing how far we have come, but it would be awesome to see more and a bigger variety. And I think accurately depicted by the media as well!

9. do you feel pride in who you are?

Yes, it’s amazing to feel comfortable and have a support group who can help you through some of the crisis of coming out, or changing your identity or sexuality!

10. who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery?

Not gonna lie, when I first came out I had no idols. Just my friends in real life and on tumblr. There have been a couple of people who’ve helped by reblogging or posting informative writing and learning now to help with coming out and such. But I don’t have anyone specific

11. tell us about your first crush?

Girl Crush or Boy crush???

My first guy crush that I remember was in year 10, and he was the one where you stare from afar. I had an art class with him and I sat facing him and his friends. And it was awkward because everyone knew I liked him but I didn’t like speaking to him or interacting with him.

My first girl crush was on a friend I had, she was one of the first girls I was aware I was attracted too! But she was straight so there was no desire to take things further than a crush and it faded after a while! So I went from being friends….crush……back to being friends! And they wasn’t any romantic feelings lingering!

12. what sort of advice to have you lgbtqa teens?

Don’t be afraid to change your mind, labels aren’t everything! Yes they’ve helped with explaining who you are, but don’t feel obligated to stick to it. Just because at 16 you feel as tho you identify as bisexual or lesbian or gay, doesn’t mean that at 27 you’ll identify the same.

Also with coming out, especially during pride month! There is a huge pressure to come out, don’t ever feel like you “need” to come out. Especially if you are in a household that could potentially become unsafe if you did!

13. have you come out to friends and family?

I came out to my sister, and a few cousins. And the majority or my friends know I’m bisexual! So I’m not necessarily closeted, but I don’t put it out for every single person to know!

14. how do you feel about the term “coming out” ?

I have no feelings about it really, it’s a convenient saying for finding the ideal sexuality, or identity for yourself. I know some feel negatively towards the saying. But for me it’s a simple, well know phrase that is easy to use when talking about my bisexuality and discovery.

15. do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of?any tips on coming out?

For so long, the LGBTQIA community has been forced to hide who they are, because of the prejudice and hate of others towards them and their “lifestyle” and the closet is that place. I feel like there are better terms with less negative connotations than “closet” and “coming out” to do with the identifying of your sexuality and gender. However it’s part of our history as a community and maybe we should take control and take away the negativity that comes with the word closet and closeted. But I mean our whole community is based on unashamed of who you are. And I don’t think it’s shameful to be in the “closet” as long as you aren’t being homophobic or transphobic or all the other sexuality and identity phobias while your aren’t able to come out yourself..

I think first of all no pressure, for some being in the closet can do more harm than good, whereas it’s the opposite for some being out would cause more trouble than they are equipped to deal with. So I think do it when you are ready, don’t feel pushed or pressured to either remain in he closet or to come out! And I think start with the safest person, maybe a close friend or sibling or a parent. Don’t feel like you have to leap out and let every person know! It’s an anxiety inducing process! So start off with those who are low risk and then build up to those who are high risk. Because then you’ll have that group of being who love and support you. And it’s what you need when you get rejected for being who you are!

16. what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtqa characterization in media?

1. They die2. Portrayed as stereotypes, that don’t show that the lgbtqa as a diverse group of people3. There aren’t enough healthy and accurate portrayals of the community

17. what’s your favorite parts of lgbtqa characterization in media?

I think that they are proud of who they are, even when they aren’t particularly proud of themselves as individuals but as a community.

18. what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school?

Well my health and P.E teacher was lesbian so we probably got a bit more of a lesson on sexuality then most. But it wasn’t a big throng yet when I took it as a compulsory class, it was very briefly covered but not in depth.

19. do you practice safe sex with the same sex?

I haven’t had sex, but yes, safe sex is key to any sort of relationship, straight or gay.

20. what’s an absolute turn off for you in people?

Racism, misogyny, all the phobias related the sexuality, identity and genders. And I think the lack of a desire to change ones opinion, and stay stuck in a imbedded and wrong way of thinking!

21. what’s an absolute turn on for you in people?

People who are inclusive, happy, always keen to learn and change and grow! Definitely those who are confident but not arrogant!

22. how do you feel about lgbtqa clubs/apps/websites?

I think they can be awesome places to get support, information and get to know people like you! In a “safe environment”

23. how do you feel about the term “queer” ?

I personally don’t mind it, it’s a good blanket term for those in the community or don’t come under strictly one label! Or who aren’t quite sure where they fit in the community just yet!

24. how does you country view the lgbtqa community?

Well New Zealand was definitely open and okay with it and it’s similar in Spain! I think you still find people who are against it whether or not you live in a LGBTQIA friendly country

25. favorite lgbtqa actor/actress?

Kristen Stewart ♥️

26. any tips for heterosexual people on how to handle lgbtqa events/news?

Don’t make it about you, if it’s something bad (like the pulse shooting) things like “my heart goes out to the families and friends who lost someone” “what a tragic loss of life” “this is such a horrible crime/incident” and if it’s a positive thing (gay marriage becoming possible) “congratulations” “it’s exciting to see progress” “I’m glad they achieved what they wanted” and most of all if you have the desire to make it about yourself or say something homophobic then keep your mouth shut!

27. what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten?

“If you are with a girl, doesn’t that make you lesbian?” Or “if you had to pick one would you chose girls or guys?”

28. how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/idenity?I don’t mind, I’m happy to talk about it!

29. what is your romantic affiliation?

I’m romantically attracted to both females and males!

#sorry guys I wasn't 100% sure of what the last question meant so hopefully I answered correctly #my asks #answered asks #ask me anything

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