#just posting bc my brain feels weird about . validity of thoughts and such

[dancedance-resolution]

up past my bedtime yadda yadda

in theory i am so incredibly in love with plants and i want my home to be overflowing with plants so i can just look at them and be with them all the time. i want to surround myself with plants bc they are beautiful and nature and also surrounding myself self with cultivated plants is so deeply human and i . in theory i want it so badly

but in reality i’m. beginning to think i can’t do this. i so easily get stressed out about my plants. i go on youtube and someone just discovered thrips on their plant and their other one needs repotting and this one’s got sunburn and now i’ve got heart palpitations about these issues that are not even mine. so maybe the solution is stop consuming plant content online? i don’t know

so there’s the anxiety and then there’s the money. now that i’m working it’s like. i see everything in hours. i want to buy some reeds for my cousin and myself but they cost 2.5 hours of work, and is it worth it? and with all the other things i need to be spending my money on instead, is it worth it? and also there’s the element of. it will never be enough. i will have my reeds and then i will want an anthurium. and then i will have my anthurium and then i will want a different type of anthurium. and so on and so forth until i’m out of space and i’m still unsatisfied

AND LIKE. PART OF THE REASON WHY IM FRUSTRATED IS THAT THESE ARE ME PROBLEMS. if i could get a hold on my anxiety and get a hold on my “never enough” feelings/inclinations, i could find a lot of joy in my plants. and so at what point do i have to resign and say ‘my anxious brain cannot handle having plants and that is okay. i am accepting the way my brain is.” or do i say “having plants is really fucking important to me so i am going to work on my anxious brain” and be idealistic and crash and burn.

i also wonder if i only like plants in theory. i would kill to have a trevesia palmata, even just a tiny guy in my room. but would i actually enjoy it? would i actually treasure that plant?

honestly the only plants that decidedly bring me joy right now are my oxalis and agnetha. carrie as well brings me joy but to a lesser degree. katrina is a bit stressful; my umbrella tree is neat i guess but doesn’t Spark joy; my desert rose gives me anxiety; my ikea ficus bonsai is neat i guess? but again doesn’t Spark joy . oh and mina gives me so much anxiety i’ve cried over her before lol.

and so like okay maybe the solution is . imagine giving them away. if i hadn’t paid any money for them, giving away mina would be sad but a relief in a way. like i wish i was able to love her but i can’t bc of my anxiety and maybe that’s okay. but then it’s like oh my god !!!!!! that’s $30 down the drain bc who wants to take on a horribly thrip infested dying ficus!!!! but then it’s also.

is the energy of this plant net positive or net negative. mina would be net negative bc the joy she brings me in her beauty is outweighed by the stress of her. agnetha is net positive, as is my oxalis (most of the time). umbrella tree and desert rose feel neutral; ficus triangularis feels slightly net negative. carrie is net negative at the moment but i’m so fucking hoping she will be net positive within a year or two.

HHHHHH. and so looking at that i feel like. the conclusion is i only like plants that are easy care. which sucks bc !!!!!! i am in love with some “hard” care plants lol . but like follow up. maybe this is part of the never satisfied/never enough mentality so maybe i need to accept that it’s only easy care plants for me . except gah the only reason agnetha and my oxalis are easy care is bc i’ve never had a pest scare with them, so even ostensibly easy plants could become hard and stressful very easily?????

i feel like my brain is so full of things and i feel so inadequate as a human even though logically i know i am not

i want to put mina by the dumpster but andrea will be mad at me

i hate that i need psych meds and i know it’s just bc i’m up too late but i want to self sabotage and cold turkey off them etc etc. except i know in reality i need a higher dose . i reeeeeeally need a higher dose. but on the petty side i don’t fucking want a higher dose lol bc it makes the gp worse and i miss having a sex drive so much, oh my god. i miss being able to ring the devils doorbell and not have it have to be a whole event. i miss having the desire to read and write porn. and like !!!!!!!!!!!! i suppose this is sort of related to the plant thing and since wellbutrin, the only theoretical alternative, fucks me up i just need to . accept that at least for this point in my life i have to accept that zoloft is more important than my sexuality or whatever (RAGE). INDONT KNOW. i feel like !!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO YOUNG AND I NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING AND THINKING AGOUT EVERYTHING. I WANT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ALL LOL. I WAJT TO BE ABLE TO BUY A PLANT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR MONTHS AND FEEL STRESSED FOR MONTHS AND ALSO I WOULD LIKE THE ABILITY TO HAVE CASUAL PRGASMS LIKE I USED TO. HUT IT ISNT A UTOPIS AND I HAVENTO ACCEPT THAT AND I HAVE TO . ACCEPT THAT AND LEARN HOW TO DIND CONTENTMENT AMONSGT IT . also. i wish i could talk to my humans about it????? like how am i supposed to tell my catholic anti sex mother i don’t want a higher dose bc i want to fucking whore myself out to sin. how am i (young) supposed to tell my 60somethingn year old male psychiatrist who never even brought up sexual side effects of meds (presumably bc i was still a minor when i started with him) that i can’t stand the fact that i need more zoloft bc i want to fuck myself and write about fucking and read about fucking and feel ‘i want to fuck them’ feelings again and then fuck myself about jt

i think. it would be very nice if i didn’t have clinical anxiety/depression/pmdd/ptsd/etc. other than the adhd autism i want a CLEAN SLATE. . and it would be very very nice if i didn’t have to take care of my fucking teeth. bc then i could be content and ring the devils doorbell and not have the anxiety of knowing i am personally responsible for the rot in my mouth . and also no more nightmares please. and ni more excessive constant guilt.

if you read this whyyyyyyyfhdichksgdi and also please forget everything you read! my brain is weird about writing things that can be Perceives bc validation or whatever? but i don’t Actually Want Them To Be Perceived I Think. i don’t know. it’s too late and i’m probably hungry too. that’s another thing - it would be nice to have a functioning interoceptive system. i want to be SELFISH&PETTY And for it to be okay

#delete later #this is negative so don’t ruin your vibe just to read it lol #actually please don’t read it at all lol <3 #just posting bc my brain feels weird about . validity of thoughts and such

[a-town-called-hometown]

hi!! i loved your post about deltarune's metafiction and its (not) escapist themes, and it got my brain jogging, like... i guess ive just been thinking "why"? like ive heard that take before and i think its valid, but also like. why ? its obvious enough to me that deltarune uses the lightner/darkner relationship as a reflection of the player/game relationship and both of these things are addressed critically, but i can't help but wonder if there's a driving force for it all, outside of deltarune. like i can accept diegetically the darkners are not, or shouldn't be, subject only to the whims of lightners, but with any good story if you break it down to its core is ultimately saying something about humanity or the world and such. i mean i seriously doubt the people who seem to think that Toby Fox intends to induce *actual* guilt into the people who fund his life's work and career by purchasing his videogames, like, it's obvious that "you are a bad person because you play this videogame" isn't the intended message, nor was it in undertale. but then, what is? what is the purpose of a story that invites us to think of toys and game characters as "real"? not to trash my beloveds but i mean, literally speaking, their lives DONT matter, they r not real. it just feels like ive seen a lot of discussion about 'what' toby is doing with the narrative but i feel like that's only half the ordeal, the other half would be the reason why. my first thought was that the implicit 3rd thing being compared to the light-dark, player-game thing is actual social hierarchy IRL in which people are oppressed by another group that doesnt see them as human, bc iirc toby talked a bit about feeling powerless and wanting to do more to change the real world on real issues in an interview in 2020ish and of course there's the snarky gag about the fedora plugboy who doesn't like politics, so he doesn't care that an evil ruler is taking over the world. im not sure if that sits right with me as what the intention is (esp because the latter is a darkner talking about another darkner) but i couldnt think of much else although i do feel like a fallacy people get themselves into a lot in the fandom is the assumption that toby fox is this Impeccable Writing Machine and not just like A Guy. people make weird or flawed art sometimes, it doesn't *have* to adhere to standards. maybe deltarune is meaningless (or the meaning IS that it's meaningless, as though to complete the metaphor of it being a "real" fictional world, because if it is 'real' then like our world there is no "answer" or "purpose", it simply *is*.) dunno! im not expecting it to boil down to a simplistic fairytale moral like "dont bully people!!" or something, mr. fox tends to write more convoluted than that, but i feel like if there's something to be gained from this particular part of the game's story then i'm not sure i see the vision. what do u think? do u think this question is even answerable with only two chapters?

respectfully, I do heavily disagree with the notion that good stories necessarily have to say anything about the world or about humanity. one of the reasons I like metafiction is that it usually says something about how stories are constructed, and that's enough for me. there's plenty of stories that have bigger themes that aren't really all that much about human nature, at least, not directly. a story can comment on one specific thing without necessarily making a broader statement about people, you know? not every story has an easily explained moral lesson.

that being said, yes, this plot element is in service of deltarune's larger themes! which are about agency, control, fate, and identity.

deltarune's fate theming and its metafiction elements are a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation given how interlocked they are, but I've found it helpful to describe deltarune as a "person vs. fate narrative that uses a metafictional lens to characterize fate." rather than the three fates of greek mythology or whatever dictating its characters' lives, it is instead the structure of the rpg their world was made to be. they are player characters. they are npcs. they play specific roles in the narrative. no one can choose who they are in this world.

control is emphasized in this story. there's the control we have over kris, of course, and in a much subtler way the control we have over the world through them. there's the darkner-lightner hierarchy, which parallels our dynamic with kris. i would argue that there are even social forces in hometown which also serve to place the lightner characters into specific roles. under this level of control, it's hard for characters to push back and determine their own identities.

all these forces combine to mean that deltarune's characters are fighting back against the narrative itself! which says stuff about people's agency, and the way rpgs are written, and how we interact with all that...

ultimately, you can apply this to real life. even if there aren't things like "fictional people who are actually real," hierarchies of control do exist in real life. narratives that erase the agency and internality of certain types of people exist in real life. it's admittedly a rather general statement, but like with any narrative about fate, seeing characters resist rules that are seemingly written into the fabric of their existence can make you feel inspired to also define your own identity! and to be transgender. don't forget to be transgender

#deltarune #deltarune analysis #im not kidding deltarune really did make me transgender.

[boxwinebaddie]

Uncle Nina! Any New Year’s resolution?

finish...any of the wip fanfictions i posted? write anything?

Suck Less?

But NO!!!! ACTUALLY!!!! NOT!!!! THAT!!!!

like...literally No, because in all honesty, that is the exact negative energy that i am NOT trying to replicate or take into the new year!

which has ushered in a lot of huge change for me! i actually just spent the past two days packing up everything i own/very suddenly had to move out of my apartment because i got a crazy new job that required my relocation out of the little college town i lived in for the past couple of years and back to the very big city i grew up in. which! whew!~ i am writing from you fresh out of a TWELEVE HOUR CAR RIDE WITH ALL OF MY APARTMENT IN IT, absolutely exhausted.

which is a lot!!! and starting over/fresh is not an easy thing to do!!

that brings me 2 my Actual new year's resolution: To Be Kind To ME.

on a personal level, i really want to start being kind to myself, not be as hard on myself and just repair the relationship that i have with myself and stop second guessing/hating everything that i do.

and i think that a big piece of that is healing the now frighteningly unhealthy relationship i have with writing which i love more than anything, but i developed a very toxic, unhealthy relationship with.

( okay, i wrote a LOT! under the cut about how i'm doing and how i feel about writing rn and basically how i've felt since i started recieving attention for pep/writing stuff --you do not have to read that! but if you enjoy my brain or are curious about why i've been deleting stuff, not updating or generally acting strangely, i tried to explain myself candidly & be open w/ y'all about when i am sad.

also, i love you all v much. you mean the world to be. ilysm. c': )

as a quick little lore/refresher on uncle nina 101, before i was uncle nina, i was just a person that made an ao3 account for fun knowing nothing abt it bc i wanted to share the silly thing i wrote w/ people. and people were so nice about it and it was so validating and freeing!

and you all wrote to me and were waiting for my fanfic(s) which is so fucking awesome like...i have never felt so loved, truly, but also...it made me really, really hard on myself? because i started obsessing over everything i posted and criticizing it and freaking out and then writing just kind of became this thing that i hurt my feelings with or punished myself about which is why i stopped updating For Now.

i just feel like...until i can start writing and having it be fun and being happy again, updating my fanfics is a bad idea because of how much i tear myself up about every single thing i write/my perception.

bc really what it comes down to i think, is me being worried about how i think you guys are enjoying what i am doing and bc of that, writing stopped being my hobby and started being like okay i posted this thing that i like a lot...but what if its bad, or everyone hates it? what it its not what people want from me?

or like specifically being worried about the Likes i get on posts and things? the amount of comments? like i really fuck myself up over stuff like that...like if i feel like something isnt getting perceived well

( WHICH IT IS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK )

but my very bad brain is like yikes! that's embarrassing! delete that, dumbass! everyone hated that! that sucked! to the point where you guys are asking for my updates BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM and im scared to post them bc i dont think you like them, or like i answer asks THAT YOU ALL ASK ME FOR BECAUSE YOU WANT MY ANSWERS and then i post them and am like oof! weird answer! cringe! very bad! deleted! gone! like my tweets??? if you get notifs for tweets and they dissapear THE VIEWS ON THEM SCARE ME

and im sitting there refreshing them??? adding to the view count like oh my god everyone hated that everyone hates me im deleting that

LIKE?????? DUDE????? MY TWITTER AND MY THOUGHTS THAT YOU GUYS FOLLOW!!! AND IM DELETING THEM??? FROM STRESS??? LIKE DO YOU KNOW HOW WHACK THAT IS??? LIKE NINA??? GIRL???? MENTAL ILLNESS! even my pinterest like....oh my god everytime i PIN something ( and i love the pinterest ) i'm like WOW THAT PIN IS TOO WEIRD! COOL! ITS GONE NOW! <3

like it specifically has to do with my writing being embarassing too like my fucking fanfics...like i wrote them bc i love them and i cant even REREAD THEM :((( things you guys reread all the time and ask me so many questions about AND I LITERALLY CONVINCED MYSELF I HATE THEM TO THE POINT I CANNOT OPEN THEM ://

which UrGH! and my favorite thing ever is you guys sending me anons and stuff like it is my FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD and i have 62 asks ( which oh my god keep sending them i love u ) but i get them and im like oh god i have so many what do i do and then when i dont get asks im like OH MY GOD EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD HATES MY FANFICS AND NO ONE CARES ABT THEM ANYMORE BC I AM TAKING TOO LONG OR BEING TOO WEIRD WHICH

girl!!!! GIRL!!!!!!!!! RELAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!! JUST CHILL OUT!!!

the asks also take longer bc i really, really care about giving them the responses they deserve like you take the time to care and ask so if you send in "uncle nina, what's stan's favorite color?" i could just say Green! <3 but like??? its so much more than that its "its green! but specifically the shade of green that kyles eyes are!!! which did not occur to stan!!! he just thought green was the most beautiful color in the world because it made him feel happy everytime he saw it but it wasnt bc he liked green it was because kyle IS green!!!" etc.

and then i take all the time to do that and i'm like wow? what if no one likes that take ( WHICH DAWG WHAT THE FUCKING SDHLKS YOU ALL ASKED ME FOR MY TAKE LIKE ARE YOU INSANE??? YES!!!! ) and then i PRIVATE IT????? LIKE????? you all waited for that ask and its just gone??? im.....

sigh.

so basically, i'm trying to learn how to just be happy and chill when i write again and not fucking gut myself or worry about what anyone else thinks about what i write? and that i just post stuff that I CARE about and I LIKE and just be like...okay. there is my post. i wrote it. i wrote it with love. i wrote it and i am proud of it. just because i think its not getting likes or its bad or people don't like it...does not mean that i should destroy my entire self worth or base the entiriety of it on how im being perceived FOR MY HOBBY??? A /FUN/ ACTIVITY????

which is fun and wondeful BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU. i cannot tell you how much it means to me that you all care enough about the silly stuff i write to send me questions about it and want to know stuff!! i literally love you thank you for being so so wonderful to me!!!

and thats the thing? is that i am only like this to myself. i would never EVER treat ANY OF YOU the way i treat myself. Ever. i would never ever ever treat any of you like that because that is so evil and vicious and cruel. i try to lift you all up to the sun and send you any good energy i have and i just...do not do that to myself.

so, going forward, i want to try and figure out how to do that.

it's a little...weird. but i am going through a lot of therapy for it ( like lots of stuff, i'm a mess ) specifically for how much stress i give myself over about being liked or doing "Well" or...idk. writing well.

as a writer girl, my hope specifically is that i can write pep again because dude i miss my boys!!! and it sucks that i stressed myself out so bad that i had to literally abandon it. and that i started writing rm to get better AND THEN GOT WORSE AGAIN AND DELETED IT LIKE WHAT TRHE FUCK???? speaking of rm...i want to put 6 back up. i want to write that FUCKING fanfiction i wrote because i love it. that freaking Hate Date that i got excited about publishing and then like absolutely gutted myself over like...i swear. when i am healthy again...i want to start writing my stuff for fun and putting it back up bc ugh

like Last Panic Attack i got sooooo freaked out that i almost put pep and rm in fic jail? like i almost privated them out of IMAGINARY STRESS I CREATED FOR MYSELF??? or even just like the fucking nsfw headcannons that every person on planet earth was nice to me about and i like have more asks about I LITERALLY MADE MYSELF SO ILL OVER POSTING THAT LIKE OH MY GOD BROTHER WHY WAS I DOING THAT OVER A POST YOU GUYS ASKED ME FOR LIKE YALL LITERALLY ASK ME FOR MY OPINION AND I GIVE IT TO YOUR VERY THOUGHTFULLY AND THEN I AM LIKE OKAY, ACTUALLY NO ONE ASKED FOR THAT AND NOW ITS GONE!!!

very vicious cycle. want to stop doing that. my asks are so fun i answer them for fun and i just...yeah. very whack of me to do that.

but still on the topic of writing, i am sort of troubleshooting that little tsot thing which you guys were so cute abt thank you!!! so many people in my ask were like NINANINAINANA POST THE THING and then i did and now i'm like wait, i'm worried about it. WHICH!!! NO!! WERE NOT DOING THAT, GUYS!!!!! I'M GONNA BE NICE TO ME!!!

which...i know that writing all of this seems kind of unhinged, but i really want you guys to see that its okay to write things that people think are very polished and be an unpolished person. if you are scared to fall, i am falling in public for you. i want you to know that it is okay to be messy and to be scared and confused and upset. but that its not something you should punish yourself for.

i'm posting this mostly to hold myself accountable so i can stop being like this and start enjoying myself on here again.

so ya know...if you see me posting snippets or writing or posting my asks..please know i am trying very hard to be proud of them and not delete them. i am thinking of just answering my asks with my heart and starting small with little one shots or things that arent updating my actual fanfics ( thats why i started the little tsot thingy also bc i thought it was cool...WHICH IT IS!!! NINA!!! BE NICE BE NICE SHH! ) and hopefully i will slowly but surely...be healthy enough to go back.

i will update you! which...again. i am self concious about everything i do so everytime i answer an ask or post anything i'm like shut up, who cares, nina? but like, i'm trying not to be like that and to post things regardless of who sees them or when or who cares or who likes them and just...do stuff for me.

which is me...doing stuff for you. but not bc i think i should.

because i want to. because its fun. because its my passion.

tldr: thank you all for being my little online support system, especially during this really stressful time for me in my real and online life. thank you for sending asks and comments and caring. it really validates me hearing from you guys because i really do make myself sick and drive myself crazy worrying about imaginary stuff. it becomes very real and relaxing when you guys reassure me. but again...trying not to rely on that....trying to...feel confident....in my abilities this year.

Wish Me Luck!

-uncle nina, former self hater and stressor, hopeful future promoter of peace and love and kindness and writing as an act of self love and not an act of self harm ( please be nice to yourself for me! )

P.S. whoever asked me this really helped put everything in perspective for me and be honest with you guys, so thank you sm!!

i am trying to love myself for the parts people don't clap for. &lt;3

#whoever sent this...seriously ur an angel #it really means a lot to me that you guys care #like maybe it was just a courtesy question #but also people send asks bc they want to know stuff #and would not do that just as a chore so its like #im trying to teach myself that this is not like a job #its not something that is like life or death #or something to crucify myself over this is something i do bc i like it and u guys like it and not as a form of self harm #but yeah working on a positive relationship with writing #and myself as a human being #and not beating myself up for not living up to what weird expectations yall LITERALLY DONT HAVE OF ME #im working on it i will update u #im going back to doing backflips in my ask box #and IM NOT GOING TO DELETE THEM I M PROUD OF THEM I LIKE THEM I LIKE MYSELF YOU ALL LIKE THEM U ASKED ME FOR THEM #self...love u guys...whew

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

i read a thing a while ago that i lost the link for where some researchers had done some kind of study and found what they viewed as evidence to suggest that in bipolar disorder, the best predictors for depressive episodes & manic episodes were not changes in mood or emotion but changes in physical energy level, which they felt like suggested a theory that what is viewed as a mental illness may be more accurately looked as a disorder of energy regulation. i obviously have NO IDEA of how valid this may or may not be and also their methodology i feel like i remember was weird enough that i (layperson) was like, uh, what? but the concept has kind of stuck in my head and popped in again bc i was listening to maintenance phase (ft. guest appearance by sarah yourewrongabout!!!!!!) and michael paraphrased one of his sources by saying something like "her theory is that during this time this person was depressed, and the fatigue was a symptom of depression, and she didn't know she was depressed because being on methamphetamines masked the fatigue and other symptoms." and it was so interesting to me how like, i find it hard to imagine someone similarly suggesting a theory in which being fatigued made someone depressed. but as someone whose like primary life project for the past few months has been tackling my lifelong burden of sleepiness... i definitely feel like being tired all the fucking time can make you fucking depressed, even if nothing else is going on in your life/brain/body/spirit/whatever that would lead to that (altho fatigue also often does come from external [but not necessarily easy to identify!!!!] factors). it sucks so bad to feel like i cannot get any forward momentum going in my life because i keep losing huge chunks of it to trying to force myself to get out of bed, not because i am sad, but because my body feels like wet paper towels. and it is much harder to resist that kind of melodrama when i am Big Sleepy, and keep getting Big Sleepy - the extent to which i can do it comes basically entirely from years spent training myself to remember that just because i am a big baby does not mean all my thoughts and emotions are gospel truth.

i feel like this has also helped me identify or articulate part of my own particular reaction to like, "stop telling me to address mental illness [something i am persistently identifying as biologically caused] through choices that would impact my biological well-being" discourse, which i am usually actually kind of... i wouldn't say defensive of exactly, but i feel like if you're well enough to clown on it you're maybe well enough to put together the self-awareness it takes to recognize that fighting with mentally ill 19 year olds on the internet is not the best use of your time. and also "stop being so anti-recovery and go outside" posts are even more annoying to me. (i just hate everyone, basically, lmao.) but i think now what bugs me about the way that discourse goes on all sides is exactly the implicit assumption that like... there is no level of feeling bad physically that can produce symptoms diagnosable as certain kinds of mental illness. or that like... that there's a certain level of seriousness and import to Mental Illness that is somehow trivialized by a link to things viewed outside the realm of Mental Illness, like "having a body that feels very bad all the time" is less of a serious or worthy concern (well, really i think what's going on is that it's seen as less forgivable a reason for perceived failings, but anyway). like, even team go outside will usually say something like, "it's not a cure, but it will make you feel better." and to be clear i'm not saying it is a "cure." but like, the idea is still that it's like, potentially ameliorative of symptoms, and not... possibly in some people actually addressing some of the root mechanisms through which this condition has transpired. which to me feels like it kind of trivializes just how bad having a body that feels bad can be. in the interests of full disclosure it is possible i am projecting and this is fully about my unresolved feelings about my mom's fibromyalgia. just putting that out there for transparency.

#unrebloggable posts my best friend

[noblechaton]

hi so I kinda wanted to make this post earlier in the month but things have been really hectic and annoying so I didn't get to but I still wanna talk a lil bit before the month ends soooo

here's my ~*pride*~ post

so it's been a lil over a year now since I first like. realized I was trans y'know? I don't wanna say came out bc I sorta haven't - at least not to anyone in my day to day life. I'm not really worried about reactions - mostly - or anything but it's just like. I do not wanna deal with all it might entail even if it'd be positive, tho I guess I do view it as a coming out given I did it to a uh....a few thousand people (and porn bots)

anyway....

even just sort of realizing that the way I'd felt way back when, during the times I'd spent alone in kindergarten wondering and worrying that I'd been born in the wrong body (genuinely worded as I'd felt back then) and the moments where I'd stay looking in the mirror a lil too long convinced my face wasn't of the gender I'd been carrying myself as, that something didn't quite fit, all that, that it wasn't just some weird fear, that it was a valid thought, it's kinda done wonders for my mental health (even if other things ain't lol) and while I sometimes worry I'm somehow doing this wrong or badly or w/e, I've found myself more confident than I used to be, much more assured and happy

I like my reflection more, even with my imperfections and divots and dings. I'm kinda gentler about my body even if it doesn't look how I think it should, and in a weird way just accepting the way my brain's wired made me more accepting of my own body despite it not yet being what I wanna see, yanno? maybe not quite outgoing like I wanna be, but I don't feel as....nervous anymore, of my voice or appearance

I've also taken some steps in getting myself to uh....present in a manner I feel a lil more fitting? I've grown my nails out - which has the added benefits of stopping my bad biting habit and making some gunpla stuff easier! - and fashioned my face more like I'd want, I dress more openly in attire I feel is more fitting and comfortable too even if it's often like, beneath a jacket or w/e and talk in a way that feels truest to myself too

it's not a lot and I certainly wouldn't like, pass or anything, at least I don't think I would, but the little things have sorta helped all the same

and I do have some hopes for how things may go should my situation ever change and improve. I openly fantasize about going on hrt lol, while being able to wear more fitting clothing even just around my house is something of a dream for me. again my situation is thankfully way more accepting of things but there's just some stuff I don't wanna deal with if that makes sense - not to mention the cost, a big bump in the road for a poor gal like me lmao

so while maybe I doubt myself here and there and haven't been too outward with it just yet, and maybe it'll take me a while before I get to be - and longer still to start the processes of truly looking as I feel, I know I'll get there one day and in the meantime, I'm still happy I took the time to accept myself, to let myself be how I truly wanna be, even if it's kinda stifled right now and ultimately, either way

'm still pretty happy to be me

now I'm gonna go buy a gay witch shirt and catch up on ml

#i was gonna drop my name in here originally but i kinda like going by noble at-large and don't want that to change lol

[localplaguenurse]

Hello it's me again here to yell at you some more about gold as ginkgo because WHAT IS YOUR WRITING???? OMG I'm at ch23 already and so much has happened fcvhbjknklml amazing storytelling!!

Now this is gonna get a biiiit personal mayhaps sorry if that makes you uncomfy maybe?? But I just want to express how much I *adore* the way you portray the protag's anxiety and particularly the internal conflict of coming out of a toxic relationship.

this paragraph, this one in particular got me literally crying. I kid you not I started weeping and then went to talk to my besties because it's so real it hit me so hard. I'm sorry many people can relate of course but I in particular I'm just coming out (~5 months or so) of a 12+ year old toxic relationship and I've been struggling SO HARD, really so hard. And that made me feel validated, that made me feel like yes it's a thing it's normal. (I too had straight up panic attacks that left me with hands shaking and crying)

It looks eerily a lot like something I'd told my best friend weeks ago

anyway idk I just want to say your writing is amazing, the pacing, the characterization. I love that wifey doesn't just "get over" things or "get better" int he way it's usually portrayed, it's organic and slow and she falls back into negative thoughts and stutters and gets anxious but they ARE getting better in the little things, in the confidence, in the healing, in the feeling comfortable.

And it's not just that, the social anxiety, the nonbinary struggle, the feel that you're annoying others and have to be hyper independent never asking for help. I may not fully relate to all of them but you do make them important on the story and I feel like you portray them all so well.

And Gods, Morax/Zhongli is so nice lmao <3 need me a partner like that //hit that is SUPER self-indulgent love it. He's all kind and patient and loving and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;w; I love him your honor <3<3<3

Aaaaanyway loved their outing to the city, love Li Lei's character, loved wifey slowly growing out of their shell, love Morax fucking crashing injured in the middle of the night during a storm and Xiao and the panic and everything, the whole dealing with the Abbes CHILL MAN LITERALL CHILLS OMG. Love the golden smoke yes it is your signature ehe <3

(as a side note, I remember a lot of chapters ago this scene with Morax commenting about a storm incoming and then dissapearing and I was like.... is this some weird ass mandela effect or am I crazy bc I specifically remember this lore of dragons getting horny during the rain but NAAAHHH NO WAY the fic isn't going on that direction Crys pls chill your horny brain BUT THEN HAHAHAHA GUESS WHO WAS LOWKEY RIGHT??? I DID READ EYE OF THE STORM TOO TO BE FAIR. Also on the same line of my horny brain so sorry for this but wigey being so asdfcvhbnjmk about praise and compliment has me going PRAISE KINK PRAISE KINK MORAX PLS!!!!//HIT)

ok that's enough this got way too long I apologize I got emotional n cried again I LOVE YOUR FIC!!!!!

I am going to get emotional, I'm getting the like heavy feeling in my eyes of "oh tears! may be soon!"

I'm also gonna get a little personal because it also ties in with the fic and just, y'know, if we're sharing then I'm gonna share too.

I've said numerous times that wifey's experiences with anxiety stem from my own. I was also writing this fic during a few very difficult parts of my life so I really leaned HARD into those aspects of their character. Something I also mentioned a few times is that I used to write stuff on wattpad, I got burnt out, and then I didn't post fic for five years (which now that I think of it, technically not true because I did post some things on amino back in high school, but y'know). I never really stopped writing, though. Gave me room to experiment and because I'm A) a lifelong fan of the dark and macabre (even though I'm actually a bit of a chicken baby), and B) very depressed/anxious, naturally I leaned more into darker writing. I liked to make it a point of writing happy endings but I would put my charcters through the fucking wringer.

I was also a huge people pleaser in high school that didn't know how to make friends aside from the ones I already had. You can imagine how fucking devastated I was when one day, fuckin completely out of the blue, I was booted from my friend group. I only had like five friends and I kept two of them after that shit. One of those friends was a girl I had known since first grade. For the next two years right up until covid hit I was like "well fuck, Charlotte, guess you've only got two friends now. It's only a matter of time before they get sick of you too." It took me maybe a year for me to realize it wasn't my fault that the people I trusted turned out to be shitty, and it wasn't until like a year or two ago that I was able to actually open up and talk about that shit because I've been terrified to actually be vulnerable with people since then.

That's only like some of my damage, I've also got the eldest daughter and "ah fuck I think I'm undiagnosed neurodivergent" trauma. Two for one combo! Love it here!

So, yeah, I got pretty good at writing and specifically writing about people dealing with toxic relationships. Part of it is venting, part of it is wanting to raise awareness for these things, and part of it is just, idk, I like writing this stuff. I'll write whatever if it's interesting enough.

Anyways, thank you so much!!! There's more I could go on about but that's spoilers, so I just wanna say I'm really really happy you like what I've done! Put my heart and soul into this baby. Also yes this is horrifically self indulgent lmao, this fic was like entirely catered to me and my beta reader and apparently everyone else is into it.

I hope your day or night is well, whatever time it is where you are!

#ask #as gold as the ginkgo trees #crys!

[selfharmer-problems]

Advice on jealousy of scars? Ive tried asking on forums, but my posts always get removed, but I really just want some advice :( I really struggle with jealousy of other peoples scars, and I feel really bad about it, bc i know often times people despise them. I feel a weird sense of happiness at my scars and want more, even though ive been clean for a year or more. Tips/advice would rrly be appreciated, ways to cope with these thoughts.

There are a lot of people who feel the same way you do! It's something that we have talked about on this blog a lot.

I think that it would be good for you to ask yourself what the scars mean to you. What do your scars mean to you? What do other people's scars mean to you? When you're comparing them, what else are you feeling or thinking?

I wonder of part of it is wanting to feel more valid. it could be related to validation from others, like if others saw your scars more you would feel like your feelings were more validated. It could even be related to yourself, maybe you feel like if your scars were worse, your struggles would be more valid. Or in comparing whose scars are worse, whose experiences are worse, and then who is more valid. Many people self harm because they have felt invalidated or ignored, and self harm makes it seem more real and visible.

Everyone has different opinions about their self harm. Lots of people do experience a lot of shame, because it's a behavior that is heavily stigmatized. Some people don't. That difference could be related to the purpose of their self harm, their experiences with it, and even the way that other people react to people who self harm, which is pretty negative.

I think that people self harm for a lot of different reasons, one of those reasons can be to express yourself, I've heard from other people who see their scars as art, and they feel really bad about it. But I think those feelings are related to having a way of expressing yourself.

On a basic learning level, when people self harm, it usually relieves some kind of distress, and it feels rewarding. In a way, it's the same reinforcement that creates addictions. We experience distress > we can't cope > we self harm > we feel relief. So what that also does is 1. makes us more sensitive to cues related to self harm, especially when under stress and 2. reinforces and creates a positive relationship toward self harm. So self harm is reframed as a positive feeling in our brains that struggle to cope.

As far as coping with the thoughts, I would take some time to examine those thoughts and figure out where they are coming from and what other feelings are associated with them. How you cope with them will depend on that.

If it is about validation, validate yourself! Remind yourself that your feelings and struggles are real, regardless of other people's struggles. Express yourself, write down your experiences, create a narrative, write a poem, draw something, paint, do anything that can express your feelings and make your experiences concrete, something that you can physically see that validates where you have been.

Adrienne

#admin adrienne #scars

[hjeojeo]

some thought processing and venting i guess :C

thinking about how

i wish there was an opposite version of tumblr blaze

where you can tell tumblr that

after this many notes, take it off of people’s dashboards, make it unavailable to reblog and spread

I guess it just seems kind of unsettling if yer posts suddenly takes off and you get sudden load of attention that you haven’t even begun to process through yet

maybe i just have weird remaining bad feelings after all my fe3h fanart took off on twitter and with the attention came a lot of unexpected stress and pressure and just overall getting dragged into stuff/discourse that i never participated in

but maybe it’ll just inherently be different on tumblr

I love being able to enjoy games/shows with other people and share the fanart i make but attention ended up being bad news when it came to fanart

also I’m really sorry if this is like me being so stuck in my own head that it’s just mean towards other people. especially since i can see how like if any of the new ppl who just started following this blog cause of my recent hyperfixation with arknights read this, it might come off as if i am angry towards them specifically

but i think it’s more of like an issue regarding the state of my mental health. my own responsibility with it.

I really appreciate the love and support for the fanart i make, im just trying to figure out how to handle the paranoid feeling that bad stress stuff will follow after.

and also the fear of like another hyperfixation being broken again. I never knew that you could like lose a hyperfixation, but with fe3h i learned that oh it is possible enough stress gets associated with it and no matter how much i love it, it’s hard to interact with it again. I’m slowly rehabilitating my love for fe3h again, but it’s...slow..and different.

and i guess i just dont want to have to deal with that again with arknights i just wanna...

enjoy it and like be able to lowkey relax in a community with other ppl who love it, but like not as the center of attention

.__. fe3h was also where i learned about how some ppl consider certain fanartist as “fandom gods” and oh my god. it’s so fucking weird.

individuals aren’t meant to be put on pedestals no one exist to be yer perfect person who makes yer favorite art

i just wanna be more like part of the crowd where we’re appreciating the presence of one another, but understand that we got our own lives and our own directions we’re headed, that we’re not like meant to just permanently stick together. it’s more like a river and everything always flowing and changing

--

i also have been slowly like processing through like

what hyperfixations are too. (also disclaimer that i use this word specifically as a neurodivergent term bc i have adhd)

i didn’t really know what to really consider it. maybe largely bc growing up, i wasn’t allowed my own interests and it was like heavily discouraged + i was physically and emotionally punished for it too. so it wasn’t until my mid 20′s (like roughly when i was 24-25 ish) that i started to more actively push myself to acknolwedge and pursue my interests, to see them as valid ways to spend my time.

so whenever i do get an active hyperfixation, it means a lot to me. bc it’s so nice to be able to enjoy something that my brain’s willing to soak up so immediately (instead of shutting down bc of information overload)

and the creative part of it where i fill in the blanks or think of my own interpretations etc, it’s so fun and really fills me with a very specific kind of joy

the joy of being able to enjoy something so carefully made but also the joy of like knowing how much i am like letting myself just have individualistic thoughts and preferences and ideas, etc

i guess if you made it to the end here, thanks for reading my brain washing machine going round and round haha :)

#hjrambles

[sl33pyperson]

hello. its my favourite thing to do. talk about moon knight and post screenshots while i have an amount of alcohol in me

straight up. i fucking hate the 1985 run. its only 6 volumes and i fucking hate it. disgust. very upset about marlene being the one to suggest the galleries but like, not in a disgust way, in a “oh sweet summer child” way

and THANK GODS IT DIDNT LAST LONG. OHHHFHGHHHH

these were just very cute <3 not pictured: me being emotion about dd stalking foggy bc they arent talking anymore. my poor boy.

how did i never fucking know caps secret identity was a fucking comic artist. who is drawing about himself. what the fuck. im instantly a thousand more times in love with this version of cap. what a fucking nerd.

ok back to what we actually care about. moon knight. THIS COMIC WAS SO FUCKING GOOD!! ANNA NOCENTI WHY DIDNT U WRITE FOR MOON KNIGHT MORE idk like. the ONE WRITER currently to ACKNOWLEDGE BRAIN SHIT. ohh my god marlene is SO BAD IN THIS ONE BUT ITS SO GOOD BC LIKE. YEAH. SHE DOESNT FUCKING GET IT. “or from the devil” u literally say this to the man u think u love? maam??? i am fucking screaming. reconsidering her “i was just [marcs] teddy bear” like, oh god, mk really does rely on her to keep himself grounded to what (at least steven?) believes is the real world. as much as mk pushes u around, u really depended on stevens money and enjoyed urself and was just. ouughhhhhhh.

SCREAMING!,! I SAT THERE ACTUALLY IN FUCKING SHOCK AT THIS PAGE!!! LIKE!! THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WHAT THE SYSTEM IS GOING THRU, valid fears (especially to steven, who fucking HATES marc, he WANTS to be his own man and his own person away from marc so badly). also like, merging being the “nyrotypical” thought of “getting better”, when like. all systems are different, some work better in tandem with each other and still being seperate (not that these boys r anywhere near that holy fucking shit)

i genuinely love how fucking terrible marlene is in this comic. like. yeah. as much as this “hypnosis” “therapist in training (i think??)” lady thinks shes qualified, shes just so. gods. ur partner is freaking out and dissociating (i dont care if its bc the moons doing weird shit, hes still mentally zonked out) so you JUST FUCKING RUN AND LEAVE AND GET DRUNK?? marlene is so terrible. its so good. this is such a bad relationship for both of them but steven truely fucking relies on her too much at this point. screaming.

THIS WAS SO SWEET AND CUTE LIKE. nature is filled with contradictions, the system is filled with contradictions, but they balance everything out. every bit is necessary and needed. theres no “evil”, no “good”, just. being. and it balances itself out. every part is needed. ough. ouuugghhhh. i want to eat this comic. mwah mwah

ITS WACKO TIME BAEBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YOU WANTED DEEP INTROSPECTIVE LOOKS INTO MK PYSCHE? ITS ONLY SHENANIGANS FROM HERE ON OUT BAEBYYYYY LIKE HOW THEY ALL FUCKING DIED AND KHONSHU WAS LIKE “lol nah ill just tell my boy 5000 years in the future to get ya 🤫”

khonshu is still such a dick. cool panelling

THE PRIESTSS i didnt actually mind them tbh. lil weird but i mean, its comics for ya

RANDOM BULLSHIT GO!!!, he truely just has like. so many stupid gadgets and additions that they feel the need to show off All of them everytime. its kinda cute. i miss his truncheon. i wonder if marc misses it too. OH SHOUT OUT TO ANNASA COMIC FOR LIKE, SAYING MOON KNIGHT WAS A FOURTH PERSONALITY, I DIG THAT

frenchie <3 where the fuck did that bottom bar come from. uh. shout out to mk just spacing out in front of villains. hes also really cute. U DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM THEY GOT RID OF THE 1985 MASK AAHHHHHHH MY LIL SHADOW BLOB IS BACK!!!! YEAH!!,!,!!

how many fucking photos can i add oh my god this isnt stopping. this is cute

#speaking time

[mugenloopdalove]

i want to preface this by saying i have good intentions AND i am not the best with wording things or getting the point across. take this message if it helps, delete it if it doesn’t! you are not obligated to reply to this either, and i also understand my mindset isn’t going to work for everyone. you can’t reply to anon asks privately, but you don’t have to post this if you don’t want to, either :)

i just want to say that the amount of engagement you get doesn’t matter. i want to see your stuff! i want to see you post about your self ships and your faves and all the things you like — but i also want to remind you that getting a bunch of asks doesn’t make you any less or more valid, okay?

i admit that i get not feeling wanted or accepted by the community (there are a SURPRISING number of people who feel this way, too) so i’m not trying to be like “grrr you’re being so negative! who cares?!?! just cheer up and be magically happy :)” bc it doesn’t work like that, unfortunately 😅 but i want to remind you that you also deserve your space in the community, so please don’t delete your blog over a lack of interactions.

whether you get one letter or many, you are just as equally loved and appreciated AND worthy of having a space online. there are definitely more popular blogs out there with many many interactions (i find myself envying them, too) but that does not make them better than you. besides, i find that the people who often send them asks are like, their friends anyways. (but i lack any in the comm, so.. 💀)

me personally, i often hold back from sending letters because i don’t know many of the popular sources and am afraid of making it ooc 💔 they have anons off and i don’t want them to be weirded out or reveal my blog, etc. but never ever have i not done it because i disliked the blog personally or anything. it does not mean anyone dislikes you or doesn’t care about your ships (honestly: even if nobody cared, you should still post about the things you like) but i will admit that it does feel nice to know some stranger put the effort into writing for you, that people like hearing your stuff, so i’m also sort of conflicted...

i don’t even know where i’m going with this 😅 but i just wanted to say, from one stranger to another, you are very much loved and appreciated. i understand it can be lonely and i am not trying to give you advice or be all like “you’re too sensitive” or nothing! i am just trying to say that i hear you and i hope you either get the interaction you want or learn to be okay with the lack of it. take care and please be more kind to yourself, i hope you do not spiral into negativity and self hatred. we are only here for so long, please be more kind to yourself if you can help it.

sending all my love (and a cold pillow) 💗

Thank you... Ive just really wanted engagement lately bc I've felt pretty dam lonely and having trouble coming up with new situations. My brains been kind of repeating the same stuff on loop and unless I luck out and get an f/o dream it's just the same stuff I've seen a million times before and I'm not sure how to get new thoughts.

I also... Frequently join communities and see everyone get way more love than me and it reminds me of growing up alone a lot. Jebeheb

I'm trying to make friends in to community rlly rlly hard I'm just. Shy and awkward hdhdhfhft. I want to talk to so many ppl but outside of like memes I'm scared to. Even letters I'm scared to bc I have like... No confidence in my writing jsjsjer it's one thing if I'm writing for myself but writing for someone else is scary.

Thank you though...maybe I just need to take a breath and a step back and maybe a break. I just don't know what to do for an escape other than self ship fhfudir I never formed a lot of coping mechanisms just fiction and lately it's been harder and harder for me to get that on my own and I want help from others

I know I shouldn't rely on engagement your right Abt that. I'm trying not to and this did help me feel better. I just wish I could get some help w getting new things in my brain I guess

[yardsards]

If you ever have any more head brain thoughts on Hunter and Amity becoming siblings against their will I would love to hear them

(question is referring to this post)

i came up with this au as a joke but it has honestly started living in my head rent free because i just want these four kids to be happy

it probably wouldn't work out this well in canon but my city now, y'know?

(under readmore bc this accidentally got long)

note that i have no idea what kind of timetable any of this happens on okay it is just a timeless void:

-the resentment between amity and hunter is less about the eclipse lake incident than you'd expect. hunter seemed pretty fine with amity at the end of that episode. amity's really mad about him threatening luz but kinda empathizes to a degree

-a lot of it is just. you know those times when someone is really similar to you but SOMETHING about them makes that be the basis for a rivalry rather than a friendship? yeah.

-amity also kinda feels this weird mix of pity and hatred of hunter because he reminds her of her past self a lot. she sees both the scared lonely girl desperate for validation and the girl who bullied willow when she looks at him. he's of course untangled a lot of his Issues by this time but he's still several steps behind her because this stuff takes time

-hunter feels kinda jealous of amity (and the twins to an extent, but mostly amity because she's the one that directly compared their situations). at first it's because he's never met odalia and only met alador after he started improving himself so he doesn't understand what amity's issue is at all. and then he learns but he doesn't yet understand that, just because the abuse/neglect the blight kids faced wasn't as bad as what he faced, it doesn't mean their circumstances were *okay* by any means. and THEN he's just jealous of amity because she seems to be handling stuff so much better than him and he just doesn't get how (she's struggling more than she lets on, though)

-but over time with enough conversation and growth this eventually ends up in a weird kind of Understanding between the two of them and it fizzles down to a normal amount of sibling rivalry and they end up actually being close and helping each other improve

-amity still occasionally holds the fact that she could've kicked his ass at eclipse lake over hunter's head tho. at the beginning she genuinely means it as a threat but later it's usually in really silly situations like "hunter you better not eat the last bowl of cereal, i can and will end you" because that's how siblings Are sometimes (the latter only happens once they're on good enough terms to joke around like that and hunter's stable enough to know that she absolutely does not mean it, though)

-on that note, i think there are some hiccups between hunter and the twins at first. the twins tease and prank him as a sign that they've accepted him as their brother. but hunter is just. wholeheartedly convinced that they're genuinely trying to hurt him. and he's flipping between the idea that they just plain hate him vs the idea that family members deliberately hurting one another is normal (he's still unlearning that from belos). they talk it out eventually and hunter learns that they weren't trying to hurt him and the twins learn to lay off

-the twins kinda take hunter under their wing. at school, hunter clings to them like an orphaned duckling despite being their same age. ironically, as cool as the blight twins try to act, they don't really have many close friends outside of each other. so it's two kids with not-great social skills trying to teach a kid with zero social skills. even more ironically, hunter HAS his own friends in the flyer derby team, and ends up helping the twins make friends with them.

-hunter sometimes looks to the twins (or sometimes amity) as an example of how you're supposed to act in a decent family unit. little does he know they barely understand much more than him

-darius, as we've seen, encourages some healthy teenage rebellion. however, he's not at eda's level of "you should cause chaos just for the heck of it". also, he does know how to lay his foot down when the kids do something dangerous/harmful to themselves or others. he's never had kids of his own but i like to think he had pretty good parents and it sounds like he canonically had a pretty cool mentor, so he understands at least hypothetically how kids should be handled

-alador is TRYING but he still hasn't figured everything out yet. for example, he doesn't know the line between "so permissive that it's kinda neglectful and not giving kids the structure they need" vs "being overly controlling (like his ex wife. or like belos)". a lot of parenting advice boils down to "just listen to your kids" but he doesn't know the right way to implement that yet so. he sometimes just straightup ASKS his kids like "hey, you did [x]. should that be against the rules? do you want me to ground you now or something?". it's obviously not the most effective parenting strategy. he eventually learns to see the line on his own but it takes some time

-amity usually gives truthful, thought-out answers to this. hunter (at least at first) always just assumes this is a test and says he should be punished (or just genuinely believes everything he does is wrong), but does learn that it's a genuine question and learns to think about it. the twins (at least at first) always just say that whatever they did is fine, but after a few times they start testing the boundaries of what they can get away with without alador putting his foot down, or what would happen if they did admit that what they did should probably be forbidden

-to a lesser extent, i think amity and hunter (especially hunter) end up acting out and testing both of their dads' boundaries sometimes. it's not even a deliberate thing. it's just that irl, a lot of kids who come from bad situations will subconsciously act out and push boundaries when they first get to a safe environment as a way to process that even if they break rules they won't be hurt or unloved, and that their parents care enough to lay down clear guidelines to keep them safe

-the twins, who built so much of their identities around rebelling, are kinda having an identity crisis. their overly strict mom is no longer in the picture. one of their dads is really chill and the other one doesn't know how to set appropriate rules yet. and getting in trouble at school isn't really the same if they're not also pissing off their parents. the only things they can think to do to make their dads mad are either more danger than they'd wanna put themselves in or are things they'd feel guilty about doing

-they probably do a couple of those last two types of things before it hits that... rebelling like *that* actually doesn't feel good

-and they also realize that, aside from maybe a little resentment leftover towards alador, they don't really *want* to upset their dads

-and now they can get attention from adults that ISN'T negative. edric got a taste of that from eda, but it's still a pretty new concept that adults will pay attention to them outside of punishments. it's even more new when said adults are their *parents*. adults that will praise them for their achievements instead of acting like they've simply done the minimum of what was expected of them? adults that will talk to them even when they didn't *do* anything to grab their attention? previously unheard of.

-emira's used to having to protect and care for amity and edric. and once she realizes that there are now people that will care for her siblings for her it's pretty overwhelming. she no longer has to make "the caretaker" her identity and it's simultaneously confusing, reassuring, exciting, and scary. it's even stranger to realize that now there are people who can and will take care of HER when she needs it, that she can ask for support without worrying about putting that weight on her siblings.

-hunter went from 0 decent parents to 2 decent parents (and 3 siblings, and flapjack, and multiple friends) in a very short span of time and. consciously he's learned that your guardians/loved ones aren't supposed to hurt you or threaten to abandon you, and that everyone constantly backstabbing one another isn't normal. but it's taking a while for that lesson to really sink in.

-he grew up in a really authoritarian environment and he's still figuring out what what kind of things are permitted for normal kids. sometimes he asks his dads stuff like "am i really allowed to sleep in til 8 am on weekends?" or will ask his siblings if he's feeling nervous that day. it's usually an "of course that's allowed", but sometimes he'll get answers like "sneaking out without telling anyone where you're going is ALSO generally frowned upon here. but you don't need to sneak out anyway, we're not gonna keep you locked in your room all day, you can just tell us where you're going"

-amity has already learned that there are people out there who genuinely love her unconditionally. and she's seen enough from her friends' parents to know what good parents are supposed to be like. still, it's weird to have parents of her own that will show her unconditional love. especially when one of said parents is the same guy who used to be neglectful to her. she takes a while to really trust it.

-the blight kids' feelings about odalia and the divorce are very Complicated, i'll leave it at that

-towards darius there's some messy "you're not my real parent!" feelings, or apprehension that he'll end up being just like odalia. but at the same time, in some ways they trust him more than alador because unlike alador, darius has no history of being a bad dad to them.

-hunter accepts alador just as fast (if not faster, now that he's done it once before) as he accepted darius. idk exactly *how* fast either of those cases were tho

-i originally thought that ghost and flapjack would initially hate each other, part bc their witches started off hating each other, and also cats and birds generally aren't a good match. but ghost made friends with owlbert so has no issue with birds. and i think flapjack would realize, long before either of the two witches, that hunter and amity could be good for one another, and ghost would agree. until amity and hunter make friends with each other, they're just always a little annoyed that their palismen are besties.

-hunter is so lumity-phobic that he makes boscha seem like an ally. it's his friend who acts like his irritating little sister dating his actual irritating little sister. he can't NOT tease them.

-darius and alador keep a joking spirit of competition between the two of them but it's over stuff like who's the cooler dad (the answer is obviously darius tho)

-all the kids go to darius for fashion advice. it's especially a nice bonding experience with the twins, who will get to experiment with their looks without as much pressure to look perfect or to match

-meanwhile darius frequently struggles to convince alador to take a shower and put on clean clothes. "yes dear, *every* day -could maybe be every other day if you didn't constantly get covered in sludge. i'm not even going to touch you until you clean that off." and "it's our day off, why are you still wearing a labcoat? don't you own anything else?" he is Suffering.

-he also has to regularly remind hunter to perform basic self-care

-alador and hunter work together to invent ways to combine glyph magic and machinery (in ways that feel more natural and useful than that fake staff hunter used to use). sometimes amity joins in. it's a weird form of family bonding

-hurt any of their kids and you will be personally hunted down by two of the most powerful abomination witches on the isles and maybe the other 3 siblings

-you know how in canon, amity and alador combined spell circles to make an extra huge and powerful abomination? well now there's the potential for a 3-way alador-amity-darius spell circle. whoever finds themself on the receiving end of this (probably someone who hurt one of the other siblings) will be absolutely obliterated from existence. it is a peak dads-and-daughter bonding experience. (jokes aside i did make a post earlier about my headcanon the combining spell circles is kind of an expression of emotional closeness between witches)

-alador ends up being one of those parents that is just excessively proud of everything their kids do. like one of those soccer moms that act like little timmy just won the olympics. it's a little embarassing but (and none of the kids will openly admit this) it's kinda nice to have someone be that proud of them

-(darius is equally as proud but he's cool about it)

-the relationships between the 3 blight siblings is already getting better in canon but it gets even healthier once there's no stress at home. i mean they're still lil shits to each other but they work all their actual issues out and have a good and healthy sibling dynamic

-amity learns abomination magic from two dads who have vastly different styles and incorporates some of her own styles too. she is very versatile and a force to be reckoned with.

-willow and gus are friends with hunter. luz talks to edric, emira, and hunter. amity cannot Escape her siblings

#eliot posts #toh #the owl house #amity blight #hunter toh #emira blight #edric blight #alador blight #darius toh #aladarius #is that what yinz are calling it now? #i still pretty much ship them as a joke but i see them coparenting in a semi serious light??? idk #this is my emotional support crackship #i spent like an hour typing this out last night and had a ton of fun doing it #me anytime a young character (esp one i like) has a bad or nonexistent family: woe! good parents be upon ye! #darius blight au #i guess that's what i'll tag this au as #even tho there's a nonzero chance that blight was odalia's surname or that alador would take darius's name or they'd hypenate #but blight is the only one we've heard in canon so yeah #abuse mention cw #nothing worse than in canon tho

[atalana]

@toshitophchan​ to continue with my series of sja luke essays, i wanna talk about luke's love of tricks, and how that intersects with him being a really positive autism metaphor, because it's honestly one of my favourite things about him

like, it's a subtle personality trait in that's it's never really spoken about out loud, but also it's so obvious

bc like. luke is one of the most autistic coded characters i've ever seen, i can find something relatably autistic in literally every episode he's in. his entire season one arc is "i understand so much and yet absolutely nothing about how to be a human teenager, people keep making fun of me and saying i'm weird and i don't know why", with bonus heightened senses and perfect memory

and it's his biggest weakness, that naivety and confusion, but (unlike any other similar character i've ever seen), it's also one of his biggest strengths

see, normally the assumption with the vaguely autistic character archetype is just. this person is clever and rude and maybe they feel bad about not understanding people, and it doesn't go beyond that. they're annoying, or they're pitied, and it doesn't change

which isn't at all true, we're still human beings capable of learning and growing, our brains just work differently, and luke has such a believable character growth. yes he's behind everyone else in learning to understand others, and he's never going to think the same way, but he can learn, and he does

to break this down, season one is his era of asking questions. in every episode he has something new he doesn't understand, some way he stands out majorly, something important he has yet to learn, and that gets him in trouble/taken advantage of a lot. but we see him grow and change and adapt to all of it as time goes on - as sarah jane says in episode one, "you'll never make the same mistake twice"

(and we also see his friendship with clyde grow as clyde takes on the role of teaching him, which is really beneficial to the both of them and something i may cover more in depth in another post)

season two is where he starts finding his feet, enough to defend himself, but not enough to feel confident in himself - he tells rani in day of the clown he's not weird, just different, but the next episode we see that that still really bothers him (and, i love how realistic that is honestly, because "i thought it would get easier, but there are always new things coming along, like this, to make me feel different" is the most relatable thing in the world)

towards the end of season two and into season three is where he really comes into his own, and that's where we start seeing that tricky sense of humor i'll get to in a sec, and then by the time sky comes along he's grown enough and is confident enough to mentor her through the same thing he went through

but he's always gonna be innately different. and that's so important, it's not just that he has things to learn, it's that the way most people are doesn't come naturally to him. again, extreme autistic mood. and yes, he learns to act the part when he needs to (aka masking), but he also learns there are some parts of human culture he doesn't need to fake, he can just be himself, and he can joke about it, which is so incredibly validating

(one of my favourite exchanges bc it just sums up this point very well is near the start of mark of the berserker, where clyde is trying and failing to explain to luke that this definitely isn’t a sleepover, we’re not girls, luke digs his heels in on “and i’ll be sleeping, over, therefore it’s a sleepover”, clyde goes “i never know whether you’re being serious or not” and luke just laughs and says “i know”)

(is this funny to anyone but luke? probably not. but he turned his hyperliteralism and the fact that people don’t understand where he’s coming from into a very gotcha sense of humor, and everyone else is gonna have to deal with that)

and he enjoys that. he enjoys playing tricks on people and knowing things they don't, he enjoys when he gets to confuse someone, or when he makes them underestimate him, he enjoys taking those acting skills he had to learn to blend in, and using them to his advantage (and, honestly, in this case, i think he enjoys the fact that clyde knows him well enough to know it’s probably a joke, but he’s still not quite sure. it’s just a quiet victory of, i flipped the script and therefore i win. you see it a lot with clyde because he feels comfortable enough to joke with clyde, another good example is his monologue about sanjay after heading to uni, pretending like he’d forgotten all about his former friends, just to see the look on clyde’s face when he revealed it was a trick)

and then that becomes what he does to save the day. most of luke’s biggest solo victories are in hiding and acting and faking things. in enemy of the bane, he pretends to be interested in mrs wormwood's offer to rule the galaxy, until she believes it and trusts him with horath, and then he runs. in mona lisa's revenge, he pretends to be so distraught over sarah jane being gone that he'd do anything to get her back, and he uses that to trick lisa into bringing the k9 sketch to life and dooming herself. prisoner of the judoon, he distracts androvax with talk while works in secret to to let clyde and rani onto the spaceship, the nightmare man, he pretends to be recording that video out of fear when he's actually leaving sarah jane video proof of both the nightmare man's existence and what he looks like

he's resourceful, yes, but he's also a really good actor, because he's had to be. he may struggle to catch up with other people’s assumptions, but once he’s learned them, it’s only half a step more until you can manipulate them. he already learned how to be one kind of person from scratch, might as well learn how to be every other kind as well

and because people know you struggle with some social aspects, they think you struggle with all of them, ignorant to the fact that you're getting very very good at one of them - which you then turn into your sense of humor, your inside jokes with yourself, and when you need to, you can weaponise it

and just. as an autistic actor now in her third year of drama school who imprinted on luke like a duckling before she even knew what autism was, the message of you can be a good actor and still struggle with social cues, you can take what you're good at and what you're not and make it all yours to utilise, and most of all, it doesn’t need to be serious all the time, you can laugh about it, meant the absolute world to me and i will never not be grateful to rtd for this character

#i have not forgotten about these i was just moving house and very busy #sja #sarah jane adventures #luke smith #words

[huxianposts]

I COMPLETELY forgot who posted this but there was this one tumblr that posted Pegoryu with ‘Koi no Yokan’ and I was like OMG YES, but then after a while I think an anon sent in ask about that and was like ‘Okay hear me out—Koi no Yokan and Coup de Foudre cause Ryuji’s Zio and lightning and thunder and he was the flash of lightning that made Akira fall in love’ AND I WAS EVEN MORE LIKE YES YES YES YES

BUT NOW I CAN’T FIND THE POST OR BLOG SO I FEEL I SHOULD JUST LET YOU KNOW OF THE EXISTENCE OF THIS AND HOPE YOU CAN SEE IT FOR YOURSELF ONE DAY

I ain't gonna lie, for hot a minute I thought Koi no Yokan was a band, and that Coup de Foudre was a song, and I was like, I don't think I've heard of them before but I will do it for pegoryu-- AND THEN MY PEA BRAIN REBOOTED AND WENT, YOU DINGUS, THEY ARE WORDS WITH DEFINITIONS. And THEN I remembered where I heard Koi no Yokan before and I went on a fever manhunt through my tags for it and I believe it is this post by @kareofbears!

here's the link to reblog ahaha! Though, I did not see/cannot find the Coup de Foudre follow up, sorry (￣y▽,￣)╭

but YES, YES YES YES!!!! We have the definition phrase for koi no yokan, but for coup de foudre, I've found, it's "an astonishing occurrence; especially : overwhelming love at first sight", and for your bit you mentioned "The moment when "lightning strikes" or something unforgettable occurs that you want to capture forever".

And I am literally shaking. It's so perfect for them. Not only am I shook at the slow burn aspect, but the lightning metaphor and imagery is so immaculate. Like holy shit!!!!!!

Anyway, long ass talk (me just rambling bc i haven't slept for a while LMAO) under the cut, sorry! But know that my Pegoryu heart just got reignited, so thank you, anon 😎

In my headcanons, I honestly see Akira being the one that falls first. He looks and acts reserved restrained, but he gets attached to people fast (the power of friendship, babyyyy-- my boy is a shonen jump protag), and Ryuji being that first re-connection back to the rest of the world, literal zio, lightning storm, thunder-- To Akira, there is a time before Ryuji, and then there is a time after Ryuji. Ryuji is... someone, something, an event that happened to him. Lightning strike that shifted the world a few degrees different.

Like, of COURSE, if it were anybody else-- I do believe Akira would've saved them, would've stood up, would've become someone more than what was given to him. But there is something so narratively delicious that he meets Ryuji first, and this is the person that woke up something in him, that he took one look after that first dungeon and sees recognition-- that core trait of protection being reflected back. I've said it in some posts before, but like, there was a writing choice for Akira to fully start his journey with the Chariot arcana, rather than Magician; The Chariot tarot card is all about overcoming challenges and gaining victory through maintaining control of your surroundings.

Akira at the beginning of the game is someone defined by loss: of his old life, reputation, and of control. I know the awakening theme for P5 is about rebellion, revenge, anger-- and he does embody all of that! But his core is to protect. That's what got him into his situation; the world punished him for standing up for someone else, tried to tell him it was a mistake, and it was wrong. Even after having dreams about Igor hinting at his future, meeting Sojiro, seeing how weird Shujin is-- it's meeting Ryuji, accidentally going into the dungeon, and having this stranger try to protect him-- that's what wakes Akira up. His lightning flash moment. Ryuji happened to him, and validated his core drive to protect; Ryuji looked at Akira, a stranger, and didn't debate on the merits of saving some guy who could be good or bad-- he just did it.

Akira woke his persona to save others. And as defined by the Chariot-- he overcame his challenge (fear of action due to what had happened before) and gained victory through control of his surroundings (reconnecting with the world and people, gaining a persona granted him control of his circumstances, etc.).

Ryuji is the overwhelming, unforgettable lightning strike.

Maybe Akira doesn't fall in love right at that moment. But I do believe he falls a lot faster, and that he recognizes the impact in meeting Ryuji. But again, his restraint does not let him voice any of this (because Akira is still very defined by fear); he knows what he feels, he just lost his voice in admitting anything truly vulnerable.

Now, on the other side, I headcanon Ryuji embodying koi no yokan perfectly. A lot of it is also Atlus having everyone adore Akira (which, deserved. Akira deserves good things), but it's my headcanon and I'm explaining the process.

I honestly believe it takes Ryuji longer to truly connect in a way that HE finds matter. It's easy to help strangers, but it's hard to let down your guard to allow someone at your soft belly; this is exemplified with Ryuji's prickly countenance, and his quick reaction to anything that could cause harm to others/the group. A lot of that is from the stuff that happened to him prior the game: Kamoshida breaking his leg, ostracization by his team and school, his own guilt, and hell, the lightly mentioned family history in his SL.

Like, chains are a big symbolism in P5: restraint, being literally chained down by society, yourself, etc. And in comparison to the main cast, his story happened outside of P5 plot (no connection to Shido, and his story was not jumpstarted by the Metaverse); Ryuji... just happened in the plot. Things happened to him. And he's been living his life defined by those things, chained down by external forces but also by his mistakes.

That's why, on a narrative level, it really makes sense that Ryuji's whole SL is about recovery, progress, and freedom. Everyone else is finally stepping into their story, so to speak, but he's the one moving on, because his story was done before the game even began (and that Atlus just did not give attention to, lbr), and change is an inevitable part of life.

But there is also the delicious juxtaposition of Ryuji's themes of freedom mixing with inevitability, though. Just the possibilities of internal struggle, you know? Like, if my life can change because I will it, because I seek freedom and that is an active process- how does inevitability play a role? Fate isn't real, it can't be (because does that mean half the bullshit in my life was doom to occur?), because that is a painful thought-- but. Akira.

Akira is someone that became inevitable to Ryuji's story; just as Ryuji was the lightning strike to Akira's life to wake up and recognize himself again, Akira is the inevitability of change for Ryuji's stagnancy. Because Ryuji is an active person in many ways-- staying in one spot, staying stagnant is what hurt him most, and just meeting Akira was.

It felt like the tide pulling from the shore, the sun setting, moon rising, world turning on its axis every day. Normal, devastating inevitable forces.

Their meeting was by chance, but did Ryuji really think he could stay the same? Did he think he could stay the same in his loneliness, after having met Akira?

He didn't fall first, but on some level, Ryuji knew that all the roads he ran on would lead back to Akira.

And while Ryuji may struggle with his own themes of freedom and inevitability-- I think he ultimately accepts what he feels for Akira, and makes new meaning of the two concepts for himself: "I guess bein' free...it's like how I feel when I'm talking to you, man."

Finding freedom in that inevitable love, because at the end of the day, Ryuji has the choice to choose that written piece, or reject it. And he chooses take it and make it mean something, changing in the way that matters to him.

Anyway. Thanks for reading this far LMAO. But anon, whoever you are, thank you for your ask, because I am literally this image rn

#thank you for the ask! #anon #pegoryu #sorry for the balls to the walls of text #but irl has been whooping me and then you remind me of the koi no yokan post and suddenly my p5-pegoryu heart started to beat again #thank you anon #i miss these two so much #i owe you my life for reminding me of how soft i am for them #again these are my headcanons wooooo #don't take it too seriously... unless? 😳

[noblechaton]

soooo I sorta rambled about my coming out as trans the other day elsewhere for national coming out day and kinda feel like rambling here too so uh. anyway

for the longest time I’d sort of intentionally obscured my gender and let people refer to me as they saw fit and for a time I’d told myself everything from it maintaining some ~mystery~ to being outright afraid of losing friends over it but for just about as long I’d sorta. hated being referred to in a masculine sense but then I also hated that bc I. had to be masculine. y’know? that’s how I was raised 

and that’s right bc why wouldn’t it be right? sure I still feel all....weird but like I was raised that way and can’t be the other way bc I am the way I am and that’s how I was raised and like

how could that be wrong?

why do I feel wrong? 

so it just sorta sat there in my brain and in my heart for most of my life in some cage I’d refuse to acknowledge just like that. like I couldn’t possibly be that way bc I was the other way and it couldn’t be wrong

I talked about this in my coming out post way back when now but I’ve felt like this since kindergarten - that I was different, that I was wrong somehow and I just didn’t know how for a long time bc I didn’t really have a frame of reference or anything for this sorta stuff but then when that stopped being an issue and I had more space to learn and explore myself I still sort of intentionally didn’t and only went as far as my sexuality which I confronted more head on and confidently for some reason

bc again. how could it be wrong? but then why have I felt for my entire life that I was wrong? it made me angry whenever I’d even briefly considered the notion - that I was stupid or greedy or something for even thinking like that

and now I can sorta realize that all of that - from intentionally obscuring myself to not allowing myself the ability to broach the subject - was bc I hated myself. I hated myself for not being what they’d raised me as while hating myself for feeling as if I couldn’t be the other way, the way that some friends saw me as, despite that being the most comfortable for me - and they made me so happy when they’d refer to me in a feminine way entirely by accident

yet I never commented on it or encouraged it bc. it couldn’t be right. that wasn’t right. right?

and like. the more it seeped out and the more I found myself sitting on it over the last few years especially. for a while it scared me. it horrified me that maybe those feelings I’d had since kindergarten were actually valid and that maybe this super obvious explanation was actually right the entire time and oh my god am I trans? am I trans? how can I be trans? no I’m not. I’m not trans I can’t be trans

that’s. kinda how it felt in my head when it all really clicked which was just a few weeks before I’d actually more publically came out. I panicked and felt so anxious and scared and angry again like I had been so many times thru the years and yet with a few minutes and some music I’d sorta calmed down and just breathed. I don’t know why but that late night I settled down and sat at my glowing monitor, the only light in my room, and just breathed and thought and when it felt right I finally let myself just. accept. 

I cried. I’m kinda crying now lmao. I fought myself for my entire life but for some reason that night I just. stopped fighting. I let it sit and let myself think. I thought of how happy it made me when I was referred to in a more feminine sense and how much joy I felt in having my nails done or my bushy eyebrows complimented. even the lil things like silly pet names over the years that were far from masculine rushed back along my thoughts and I just. sat there crying and accepting until I managed to smile again. then a few weeks later I swapped my pick and y’all picked up on it hard and fast lmao

it’s still...hard. knowing that I’m different in this way and yet sorta having to stay in the way my family raised me since none of them know yet and honestly I don’t think they ever will. and so I’m not as outward about it as I’d like - my nails are long but I dunno when I’ll paint them, I can’t dress as I’d wish or carry myself like I’d want and hrt is a far off fantasy for my broke ass and there’s still that lingering doubt y’know? that thought that I’m doing this wrong and that I’m a fake somehow

but sometimes I’ll catch myself in a reflection real briefly and I’ll see my eyelashes and my brows and my eyes - still wear masks lol - and I’ll see myself in this more feminine light and it’ll make me feel so happy. and my friends - the people most important to me - accepted me without hesitation and sure they slip up sometimes but. they accepted me. 

I accepted me

and....I’m proud of that. even if it took me a while and even if it’s still super private and not entirely how I want it to be

I’m proud that I finally feel comfortable in who I am

#big dumb long personal post i shouldnt make but anyway #maybe delete later. idk. in a mood lately #im trans and im gay and im glad that thats who i am #actually this post took me like an hour to write in any coherent manner it aint getting deleted lmao #buried maybe. privated maybe. but still

[pollyna]

00Q masterlist (mature)

I’m going to create multiple post for every rating because the masterpost can’t anymore for the life of this hellsite.

Here the link to the masterpost: click. On it then i’m going to add all the links to the “smaller” lists and add ff directly here. Sorry for the confusion and impracticality :)

All tags and general rules added for the masterpost are valid here.

Sex Injuries by releasetheglitch (1,8k)

Bond has a habit of breaking into Q's flat. This time, though, he sees something different.

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James doesn't like to share and he's an idiot. Q is just embrassed by him, more than ever.

Pursuit by Kirsten (2,1k)

It's an odd thing, to be pursued. Bond is not accustomed to it.

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for once is Q doing the courting, and Bond is a little out of pratice on begin pursuit.

The chaos and the calm by wordfrenzy (orphan_account) (3,9k)

Bond goes on a mission, goes off the map for a while, comes to Q's flat in the early hours of the morning, injured and asking for scotch. They have a weird relationship.

It's pretty much a cycle.

He doesn't know why (why would he?) Bond comes to his flat, at all. Seeking medical supplies is slightly understandable, though an agent would have sought for it at base, not a quartermaster's place, with hardly any experience under his belt. For Bond to have only asked for his presence is the peak of all questions. 007, the mysterious special agent, sits on Q's sofa, barely-drunken tea in hand, with not so much as a reason as to why.

Q must broach it, so he does. 'Why do you come here? Of all places, why do you come here?'

-

they have the weirdest relationship of all, what's new?

Hold Tight by orphan_account (4,6k)

As tempting as it would be to walk off with Madeleine Swann into the sunset and never look back, Bond isn't ready to retire quite so early. Not with all the reasons he has to stay.

A fix-it, of sorts, for the somewhat unsatisfying ending of Spectre.

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It's about what, and who, James is loyal to at the end of the day. and about no takebacks.

I Don't Take Your Pleasure For Granted by Catchclaw (6,2k)

Q tries to talk himself out of having a crush on James Bond. Bond makes that rather difficult.

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the classic pls brain don't go there and then it does and you're a lil fucked. the there here is James, and Q is altready well on the way of begin done and begin in love with him.

Stained Glass by AtoTheBean (13,5k)

James is convinced that broken things, like himself, can't be beautiful. Q tries to show him another perspective.

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it's painful how real it feels in some part. one of this days i'm going to see all the stained glasses the author linked here.

All The Things You Tell Yourself by secondstar (13,7k)

Life goes on. Things change, people leave; it’s a fact of life. Q was well aware of this fact, and yet he never really thought about the possibility of Bond being the one who left. Sure, he was a womaniser, had been “killed” multiple times in the line of duty. But he’d always come back.

Not this time, though. This time he’d walked away, and he’d taken Q’s pride and joy with him. Well, it had been for Bond, but still. Q wasn’t sure which he was more upset about, the loss of Bond or the loss of the redone Aston Martin.

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fuck SPECTRE's finale all over again. James is back and this is a undercover as a couple fic!!!!!!! i'm a sucker for them.

Breaking and Entering by Kryptaria, zooeyscigar (17,9k)

In which an agent returns from the dead, finds a stray burglar, and falls in what might just be love, despite the dog's help.

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AU: different first meeting. loved it from the top to the bottom, it was really really good.

The Inevitability of Time by dhampir72 (27k)

When they meet for the first time at the National Gallery, Bond has a strange sense of deja vu.

For the 00QNewYearParty as a gift for missMHO.

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take out some tissues and be prepeard bc this fic is as beautiful as angst and it made my heart squeez on itself. beautiful (x15)

In good times and bad times by Anathema Device (notowned) (28,7k)

A career ending injury destroys the friendship between Bond and Q, and Q thinks he will never see him again. But a second chance for Bond offers them a bridge back to trust, and a way to fight their common enemies.

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post-SPECTRE we deserved and now have. James is a dickhead but honestly Q isn't better (at the beginning) but they learn along the way. Ta Miss Moneypenny to exist.

Treason, Traitors, and Treachery by Kryptaria, zooeyscigar (63,2k)

All James Bond wanted was a quiet holiday on his luxury motoryacht on the Costa del Sol. Time to recuperate and think about his future with MI6. But his plans get hijacked when a traitor to the crown returns, bringing news of an even greater threat to MI6. And the traitor isn't working alone.

Thankfully, neither is James.

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it takes a lil while to kick it, as fic, but then is all you ever wanted. With a plot twist you think you fully understood but you really haven't. there's a lot of unrequired love here, not between ooq but is there. Miss Tanner kicks ass, i love her, pls adopt me. Someone should let James have a freaking holiday sometimes, btw.

#james bond #Q #00Q #james bond x quartermaster #SPECTRE #skyfall #fanfiction masterlist #fanfiction masterlist (mature rating)

[symptoms-syndrome]

I have like, a major pet peeve within Mental Illness Discourse™ that I feel like? I've never seen anyone talk about, really. Not as in "I haven't seen enough people talk about it" but as in. I don't think I've ever seen it mentioned? Then again I go out of my way to avoid mental illness discourse and other discourses in general so take that as you will.

But like, I see posts sometimes along the line of "being hypersexual doesn't make you gross, it's a trauma symptom" and "sexual intrusive thoughts don't make you gross, they're beyond your control." And I'm like. Okay. But also, having a lot of sex or thinking about sex a lot or wanting to have "weird" sex also does not make you gross. I feel like this is. Pretty basic.

Some people have a lot of sex, or think about sex a lot, or have sex in ways some people think are "gross." To look at that in a sort of pitying "oh they can't help it poor things" way is like. So...infantilizing and judgemental and pretty gross of you yourself.

Of course I understand having intrusive thoughts that disgust you. But sometimes it's worth a critical look before you just. Decide that it's a Bad Thought because your brain didn't like it at first. I was extremely disturbed by my sexual thoughts about women growing up, and my sexual thoughts about my dysphoria, or kink, or whatever but like. All those actually turned out to be things that needed to be embraced more than things that needed to be shunned. Even if that isn't what you want to do, consider the fact that the way we treat those thoughts in our own mind can influence the way we treat others who experience or express them externally.

How do you think it feels, seeing "it's okay to be disgusted by the thought of having lots of sex. It's okay if the idea of having kinky sex makes you sick to your stomach. You're valid and it's out of your control, it's your trauma/mental illness putting those thoughts in your head ❤️ it doesn't make you a bad person" if you're someone who has a lot of/kinky sex? The other side of that script is. "You're a bad person if you have those things, you're only not bc [mental illness/trauma/etc]"

Get rid of the moral idea that sex is inherently bad/unhealthy, for your own benefit and the benefit of others. It literally only serves to slut-shame.

#cptsd #ocd #actuallyocd #actuallyptsd #before anyone adds some 'ohhh but sex can be unhealthy' shut up bc this is about posts inherently treating it as such w/o context #ok to rb