#just bc im scared to eat too much

[puppyeared]

#UAUHGG im havung oc thoughts. plaguing myBRAIN. i can feel my heartrate spiking holy shit #ok so. i rly wanna touch up presto and shuffles story without scaring myself out of it by overthinking it. esp the implications of #them having animal features and what they would eat. as well as worldbuilding character dynamics setting background characters ugghh. #constantly have to tell myself its just for fun. basically theyre rival magicians who keep their identities secret and fuck it up in #the funniest way possible LMAO. they rent the same apartment and the landlady accidentally gives it to both of them without them knowing #so they end up walking in on each other out of costume and have this weird tension around not revealing each others identities despite thei #borderline malicious rivalry. blackmail may or may not be involved i havent decided yet #they DO consider backing out of tenancy but they decide not to so they can make sure they dont reveal each others identities #thats the idea but its really abstract bc i dont have a direction or writing in mind. they just rattle in my head like spare change #other stuff i have rn is. they both consider each other a copycat and they have the same skill level of magic #but they have different styles and techniques theyre just too focused on outperforming each other to notice #presto likes to make people laugh so they probably include gags and impossible feats. shuffle is more elegant and focuses on #smooth movements and dangerous stunts. i want to make that reflect in their costumes but its hard bc stage magician costumes tend to stick #to suits and capes.. so idk. then maybe side characters like the landlady and other tenants but i havent given em much thought orz #i really should practice with concepts because i have a bad habit of making everything similar to the first try so its frustrating #and i suck at writing characters. but im doing this for fun so im trying not to get hung up on whether its generic or not #yapping #stares at the floor. maybe i should make a carrd for my ocs #oc talk #presto #shuffle

[mishidefresa]

Some pretty boys

#im soooo tired #I been trying to survive the hartdest and slowest week of the year so far #Nothing bad is just that my brother found this foster kitten and bc of his work I have to take care of them #They are so tinyyyyy lest than 2 days when he found it #It's been 4 days that they still alive #But im scared they wont make it #Omg too much responsability help #Wish me luck #At least they are eating well and has grown so far #Fingers crosss #rymin #mingixryan #ryanxmingi #infinitytrainhbomax #infinitytrainbook4 #mingipark #mingiparkfanart #ryanakagi #ryanakagifanart #rymin fanart #infinitytrain #infinitytrainseason4 #ryaninfinitytrain #min gi infinity train

[arionawrites]

decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.

#nine bullet points #of diagnosed things i struggle #i struggle with #1. type one diabetes 2. adhd 3. bipolar 4. severe anxiety 5. depression 6. insomnia 7. migraines 8. dpdr 9. ptsd #and im just ?? existing like this??? literally how what the fuck #there’s more than that too thats just like the actual able to be diagnosed shit #probably also at least slightly autistic but my psychologist said that its not bad enough to impact me big time and a diagnosis would do mor #more harm than good so im just kind. Not lmao #but also: abandonment issues self worth issues guilty conscience issues feeling unworthy of literally everything issues #awful at establishing boundaries #sh issues #(not for like years but its a struggle to not relapse every year esp during winter) #suicidal ideation but at least ive never actually been suicidal #not bc i particularly love being alive but because the fact that i dont know what comes after death scares me too much lmao #even at my lowest of lows i have not wanted to kms SOLELY bc the unknown scares me enough to be like #yeah this sucks but at least i know it #at least it’s like familiar which is sad but still true lma #OH ALSO eating disorder lmao. diabulimia is a thing. #genuinely how have i not been fucking hospitalized #not in a bad way but like. idk how i havent gotten to that point yet #tho to be fair there are multiple points i probably should have been tbh #i just. dont want to worry people? or inconvenience anyone. and i know im not gonna kms so its easy to be like ‘i dont need that’ #i have overshared way too much in these tags sorry i’ll stop now #if anyone has actually read all of these: i’m sorry. i love you. i hope you feel better than i do. i hope you smiled today.

[silenthillbunni]

🤧🐀🌧️🌊

#need to clear my head; #im in such a bad mood. my face is in a perpetual angry state. im just so so bitter nd pessimistic rn #trying not to get stuck in negative chaos thought spirals nd to just take it as it come #nd be patient bc recovery takes time i know. but i havent been able to feel healthy or functional for 7 months nd i am so tired #i cant help but worry abt my health nd what kinda diet i can have nd how to work all of that out. #like the removal of the gallbladder dont ensure a good digestive system. they remove it bc it can irrepairably hurt u #also im so so stressed out abt school nd my courses. i already had to drop one last week. nd it isnt looking like i'll be able to pass my #eng class.. it just isnt looking like it's realistic at all :/ i personally dont mind if i fail. but i can get issues w my wellfare hmm #bc like im still feeling rough nd u only get sick leave for one week after surgery.. so i have to go on thursday nd friday but im gnna #be in pain plus be so hungry nd be unable to concentrate idk #idk idk!! im already willing to take out loans to finish my upper secondary school.. but i have to make it work w timing nd stuff so im not #sitting here unable to pay rent or the bills or food lmao. so idk have to fix it somehow #nd the pressure of this country rapidly declining state is stressing me tf out!! having nazi conservative rightists in the ruling is just #dreadful!!!! for many reasons but atm idek if i can do distance classes like i wanted to :// #i just.. wanna be able to go for my long walks. go to the gym. eat normally. have coffee. study nd finish highschool. #then apply for whatever program i can nd move to another calmer city. prob eventually find a path to move to another country. like norway.. #im thinking too much but my thoughts are spinning nd killing me like i cant stop it im so scared nd anxious lmao 💀 #im also trying to be brave and write to the psych clinic for personality disorders nd be upset nd 'beg' them for help ksksksks. #but like... the thing abt having avpd is that i kinda dont wanna bc im scared of the possibility of them helping me lol #im just in a low place nd bad headspace and it's just getring worse nd im getting more nd more tired #i dont have much more energy to keep it together nd pretend like im ok or like i have hope lmaoooo idk what to do #anyway... idk idk guess i just gotta .. keep crawling forward anyway i can

[sludgeguzzler]

man. i changed so much these past years

#im different from last years me who was different from 2021 me who was different from 2020 me and so on and so forth #it feels kinda weird thinking about it bc i went through *so much stuff* #all of it in just the past 4 years... insane #i found out i was trans. i went on lockdown. i started posting my art online. i made online friends. #i went through three different relationships. every single one of them changed me forever. #i started writing. i finished middle school. i read homestuck. i used discord everyday for 2 years. #i found my personal sense of style. i started going tk school again. i made friends irl. i lost all the online friends i had. #(thay wasnt bc of any scandal i just left the friendgroup and then started to slowly interact more with ppl irl #whi sorta made my online interactions dwindle especially one-on-one interactions #i think i feel better like this go be honest with you. the connections feel stronger and i feel closer to the friends ive made #not saying i dont like the people i know and befriended here just saying that not being chronically online anymore really changed how i #go through with internet interactions) #damn. really feeling the passage of time now. #also this is not a sad reminiscent post im *really* glad im in the place i am in life right now #i have a qpp i have an irl friendgrouo that i feel 100% comfortable with for the first time in my life im doing ok at school #i have a vision for my future my relationship with my parents is sooo much better #idk man. compare that with 14 year old me eating alone at school bc i was too scared to talk with the other people on my class and like. #yeah man. im doing a lot better #i DO have to update my art blog though. its been too long sincd i posted anything #talk

[fleshdyke]

ahsgsjaugejwjg

#sh/sui warning for tags #been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/ #which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk #idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me #and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything #but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time. #like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down #to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk #and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me #and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk. #and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt #one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around #the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a #second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk #i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to #and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared. #idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily. #i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of #thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk. #ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they #kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit #it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to #bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed #and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it #personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was #suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better #rambles #vent

[savefrog]

me: okay we need to clean

stupid brain: i dont want to clean i only want to look at fish

me: if we clean we can get more fish

stupid brain: GO GO GO LETS CLEAN LETS GO

#petco has their tank sale rn... #got a 10 gal for a betta and a 20 long for an eventual river setup with hillstream loachies #i have a 10 gal in backup already but its got so much crust on it i think it's better off as a quarantine tank #i mean. at least if the replacement is 12$ thats like less than i bought that tank USED from a neighborhood store lol #ok wait no i think i got it for 10. but anyway. new tnak for almost the same price as an old crusty one #ive been scouring fb marketplace for used tanks and its hard finding one without some sort of drawback #anyway i listened to fish history while i cleaned im just going to use this hyperfixation to my advantage while its in the forefront #ive had aquarium hyperfixation come and go several times now so i think its safe to say itll be a recurring fixture #and therefore its safe to actually get tanks and not worry about dropping it later #this is all after a shrimp disaster...im just determined to do things better #also panicking bc i have 200000 scuds in my shrimp tank and i need something that eats them STAT #i dont mind the scuds and i dont rlly wanna just kill them but my shrimp just had a massive die off and i dont want them competing rn #my poor shrimpies ): #dont leave veggies in the tank for too long. even if they are tiny #also clean the tank BEFORE the shrimps have their babies and ur too scared to clean #also. have a backup air pump for the filter #you can see the series of events that went wrong ): #dullblogging

[pepprs]

#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running #away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made #basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not #doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start. #purrs #i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any #sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY #part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move #out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older #but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings. #forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only #made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to #move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest. #i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use #my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a #atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i #did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging #fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy #home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it? #delete later #i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 #also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️

[depresseddepot]

don't know how to describe it without metaphors. audhd feels like I have 10 strings hooked into my body pulling me in opposite directions and leaning towards one string to try and "fix" that problem (cooking, cleaning, classwork, etc) just makes the other strings pull tighter and hurt more. this point of this whole post is to explain that when I see someone older than me who also struggles with exactly the same things to the same extent that I do, it makes a couple of those strings loosen and stop pulling. not forever, because they always start pulling again, but having the expectation lifted of needing to have a "normal functioning life" by age whatever is so nice. everything still hurts but for now at least that part of my brain can rest.

#i understand how the reverse can seem too #but idk. its always been such a weight off my shoulders #probably in part for selfish reasons but it helps me like. slow down #like i cannot solve all of my problems tonight. i probably can't even solve them in the next 20 years #so i can slow down. other people are alive like this. other people make their lives work like this. i can do it too #i need to be medicated so fucking badly but i can't until im off my parents health insurance #and even then im so scared it'll make my autism symptoms harder for me to deal with and ill like. lose my job or something #but i can't fucking live like this so idk what to do! lmao! #ive been trying to pay closer attention to my anxiety and stress lately so i can pinpoint causes and like. try to stop them #but all ive learned is that i am never Not stressed. #if my room is cleaned im not eating well. if im exercising well im not cleaning well. #if im on top of classwork im not taking care of myself at all. etc etc #it is always a push and pull. i can't just solve these problems #because i have to clean well and eat well and exercise often and sleep well and cook often and socialize often and work hard and save money #and and and #im always not doing something to make room for something else and bc of that i will ALWAYS have those strings pulling me so tightly it hurts #i know in my head how i can loosen the strings but that all comes at the expense of living like a ''normal'' person #i will have a dirty house. i will have lots of canned and frozen foods. i will leave my house for work only. #im so tired my bones hurt. my strings are tight again and classes are starting again soon and my room is a mess and i ate like shit today #and i havent excersized in a while and im not showering as often as i should and im drinking too much and im sleeping too much #im so tired #vent #sorry #i feel like i need to curl up and die. like my body is sending some signal that there isn't much more i can fucking take #and that this continuous pushing and struggling and picking up the pieces is worthless #i feel like that blood robot. im old and rusted and slowing down and i have achieved nothing #i will die having not achieved anything and i will be struggling until my very last second #i shouldn't have been the twin that survived. they would have been so much better than this

[bangcakes]

.

#xjjdjdjddkz update i guess. im no longer afraid to go outside n in stores JDJDJJDJD. thats RIGHT. IM CURED. #tho... still scared as fuck to take off my mask anywhere inside. even to eat. i literally go outside somewhere n eat if im in public. #which.... is fine now but NDNNDNDJDS. WINTER IS COMIN. but like the cold doesnt bother me too too much. n idk i'll probs just continue #doing whats comfy for me until one day i feel safe to eat inside fjdjdjdjjdjdjdjdj #theres no rush!!! #personal #tho... i do get a lil self conscious in class bc sometimes im the only one wearing one. but then someone will let out a real juicy cough #n im like... oh thank god i have this on XNDNDNDNNDNDND #n like.... i also like not being sick all the time JXJJXNXNZNZMZMZM

[pizzapizzadickz]

Tired, in pain, can't sleep at all. This sucks.

#oh eggs are simple! #diary #personal #disordered eating #so like. i want to eat better. but. the amount of work i need to achieve that seems impossible #like. i need things to be easy and fesible for me to do. #buuuuut i have all these hidden limitations like. i just hate touching/dealing with raw meat or eggs or anything #its bc my moms germophobia transfered to me 💀 #and like. i wont use x machine bc 1. im scared of where its placed it might have splatter from *something* #and 2. its loud and 3. its complex to use/clean (its a blender) #and all pans are just hard to predict when theyll be clean and it bothers me so i dont try to cook much lately #bc i can never plan when ill have energy #and theres too many meals in a day!!! and i refuse to do anything without hyper research!!!!! #LIKE I MAKE THINGS SO DIFFICULT FOR MYSELF THAT IT STRESSES ME OUT A TON AND IM TIRED. really tired #and looking at quick recipes are all like no they arent!!!! its stressful!!!! #whats super annoying is i make more complex things regularly bc theyre just something simple to me. #...tho not necessarily. just. ugh. its annoying and contradictory #idk how to eat well and keep myself alive #i like trying new things but i also eat very VERY selectively #why cant i just have a pill or something and never eat unless i wanna #its infuriating and stressful and idk what to do about it. #rules rules rules rules rules rules rules. so many arbitrary horrible hard to understand rules. #pls give me suggestions if u want. just fyi im also super picky with fruits n veggies... honestly how am i still alive???? #probably bc i live with my parents haha... ha. #i think id be on disability or homeless otherwise. #or something idk. im a mess. send help pls.

[taeyongruinedcitylights]

i’m worried about my kitty :(

#she’s been following me around all day nd then just wants to sleep on my bed…….which is unusual for her #AND she didnt eat much today……usually she will go over to her bowl at the drop of a hat so we can shake it for her #im gonna call the vet tomorrow i think i hope they’re open….. #i thought she might be acting weird bc mom left on vacation this morning but my parents have been gone loads of times #nd she’s never acted like this #edit: AND shes totally unfazed by the fireworks rn. not that she gets too scared usually but no reaction? weird

[nagitoedit]

#scarsies #i was thinking abt something and got too insane and it felt like my chest was empty full of air like i couldnt breathe and i #felt dizzy and almost nauseous . gets scared gets scared gets sc #but iy might be that i havent been eating well like uhm at all. like worse than usual #and by not eating well i mean like . going most of the day without eating. not on purpose im just like. theres not a lot to make food with #bc im so paranoid that the food is bad so i just dont eat #and i barely ate any dinner last night bc the food just didnt agree with my stomach or brain. i tried to eat more but i just couldnt #idk thats almost comforting 😭 like as in its 'just' like malnutrition and not just i was thinking abt a topic so much i nearly died #not good though 👍 veryveyr bad 👍👍

[silenthillbunni]

🤕🩹💊

#ughhhh sighhh im so tired #last night i started getting gallstone attack feelings #i took one of those painkillers i got for it but nothing #then i got such a bad attack ughhh. i even took another pill (idek if u can bc theyre strong nd yk.. precaution necessary) but it did nothin #so i've just been in pain for like 14 hours. idk how i managed to doze off to sleep nd then wake up nd then doze off again several times #it was just so awful skskks #i didnt even do anything different yesterday so i have no idea what triggered it #guess i just gotta cut down on everything like coffee nd the two small squares of chocolate i have :') #guess i just gotta stick to oatmeal nd brown rice nd crushed tomatoes lmaooo i wanna throw up just thinking abt it #but that pain is so awful and i just cant deal w it #it's so frustrating that i have to wait so long to even get a date for the surgery #it's been over a month now and i havent heard anything?!?!??? #at least gimme a date so i can know how long i need to keep this up T-T #im so tired of this i just want my health to go back to the way it was before #i wanna exercise for real and i want real food!!!! i cant even use spices bc it's too much... 😔 #and like i realize now that i think the gallstones have affected my bodily function for quite a while #i wasnt able to take iron or magnesium supplements or vitamins and stuff bc my body reacted so weirdly to it #i just dont wanna deal w this pain or be scared of what i eat. or eat bland boring food constantly. or not be able to work out #just wanna have the surgery </333 it's so hard to have to sit and wait for it sigh

[pansyfemme]

. on a real note my physcial health has been rapidly declining as of late. I have been diagnosed as hypermobile since i was 13ish but im just now getting the verdict that its likely eds (although ive known this for. a very long time) and thats bc im trying to look into it again since my pain is like. pretty constant these days and getting around is getting harder and harder. I got my first chronic illness around age 11ish? (my still unresolved gi issues) and like everythings been spiraling from there lol. im just like rlly tired of this shit

#ive started getting rlly dizzy whenever i stand up and having random dizzy spells which scares the shit out of me bc i know just how #comorbid pots and eds are. and its not like. im even starting to think of that i just rlly want to be done with this and any unexplained #symptoms scare the shit out of me bc i just do not want anything else #when i heard of eds for the first time i knew thats what i had bc ive always been very hypermobile. #But like. im feeling so much better now that someone said it. that i didnt have to bring it up #i have. wayyy too many mental health issues so the phsyical health stuff has been fun. even if its not new its just been worse lately #everything i eat makes me so sick i cant leave bed and my legs after school are about the same #half of the reason i dont hang out with my irl friends is bc i can barely get out of bed after a full day bc my joints r shit and i am so #nauseous i cant move

[fleshdyke]

absvejavbehevsn

#bad day. augh. #why is all the shit i get genuinely upset about so fucking stupid and insignificant #like literally it doesnt fucking matter no one cares….. stop being fucking dramatic ‼️ #im so fucking done with school . its literally not wven that bad but i want to explode #like im perfectly fine talking in detail abt absolute atrocities being committed against my communities just across the border #but i’m so scared i cant fucking move when i don’t have anyone to sit with me at lunch. like its so fucking pathetic #the usual spot me and my friends eat in is closed for ramadan which is great but he havent established a new spot and my best friends keep #going off to be with their partners and wander around and i feel so fucking broken because they dont even like me anymore #like im too disabled to walk around this 5 story school and im too much of a fucking loser for anyone to even possibly want in the slightest #and two of my best friends just fucking leave with their partners because theyre not absolutely godawful people #and like i know i can’t be expectex to find someone in hs i know that logically but i feel so fucking broken #bc why doesnt anyone want me. why has no one ever fucking wanted me #the only time ive ever been wanted in my whole fucking life was when i was raped as a little kid and i want it back so fucking bad i wanf it #back i just want to be fucking wanted again #and i dont think anyones actually my friend like i dont think anyone actually likes me bc why would they #i hace to live with myself every minute of every day and i can tell why no one fucking likes me bc im so fucking annoying #ok nevermind . done now. my brother just walked into my room took one look at me ( i have very obviously been crying) and asked if i wanted #to watch him play minecraft #rambles #vent