#june breaks up with him and they end up being toxic exes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

quokkacore · 1 year

Text

kyoto [h.js]

summary: a few months after you and jisung break up, your friends rope you into going on vacation. the only issue? they forgot to mention they invited your ex-boyfriend too. (part two of the punisher anthology series)

pairing: ex-boyfriend!jisung x reader

warnings: infidelity, toxic friendships, skz (and twice, girlies im SO sorry) are huge assholes here srry :(, peer pressure, emotional manipulation, codependency, language, hurt no comfort, reader has low self-esteem, covid era, “good for her” ending, exes-to-strangers, maybe ignore the fact that japanese borders have been closed irl?, jisung at one point thinks the reader is going to hit him, suggestive content, making out

word count: a little over 6k

listen to the song here, or here for maximum devastation

a/n: this song is actually about phoebe’s relationship with her dad—but when i first heard it i misunderstood and thought it was about an ex-partner. regardless, here’s what i came up for with jisung. that being said, i do not believe the irl skz or twice would act this way and i certainly don’t condone the way jisung, skz, or twice act here.

main masterlist

june 24th, 2021

day off in kyoto

got bored at the temple

looked around at the 7/11

"Hey, come on, there's a lot of stuff we haven't seen yet, where are you going?" Jisung ran after you, eyes wide as he leaned towards you.

"I'm going back to the hotel," You mumbled, stepping out onto the street, "I'm not feeling very well. I think... the onigiri we got made me sick."

Jisung looked down, before smiling through his mask. You could see it through the way his eyes crinkled and the tops of his cheeks puffed up. "Come on, I'll help you get back! I'll buy you something from that corner store over there, they probably have stomach medication."

You resisted the urge to groan. You didn't want to miss out on the wonder that was Kiyomizu-dera, a temple over 1300 years old (and a UNESCO world heritage sight, thank you very much), but having to be followed around by the ex-boyfriend you hadn't seen in months up until two days ago was… not what you’d imagined.

Even worse when it was very clear to you that you weren't over him, and he wasn't over you. Made very evident by how nice he was being to you.

Seeing him at the airport, with his travel pillow and packed suitcase, tumbled your stomach so badly that you almost ended up making use of those barf bags they had on the plane once you were on the flight a few hours later.

"What is he doing here?" You hissed quietly at Dahyun, who had driven here with you. She continued walking towards the group, and shrugged as she flashed you a quizzical look. As if the topic were about a close friend. Not the ex-boyfriend you'd spent months crying over because he'd cheated on you.

"Oh, Minho invited him," She answered, "Just chill. It'll be fine."

"Dahyun, I don't think I can do this," You mumbled, shaking your head. You could feel your heartbeat picking up, your voice turning watery. She stopped a few feet away from them. Her smile disappeared, replaced with a warm, comforting gaze.

"You'll be fine, okay? We just want what's best for you," She explained, adjusting her face mask, "You have your friends here with you, Y/N. It'll be okay, trust me."

the band took the speed train

went to the arcade

i wanted to go, but i didn't

Some friends they’re turning out to be, you thought as you trailed behind Jisung into the konbini. You had initially insisted on staying far, far away from him. That proved to be very difficult once you'd landed in Kyoto.

It started on the bus ride to the hotel. There was no airport in Kyoto. No, the closest one was Osaka International, which was just about an hour away from the city via bus. A tired, cuddly Jisung sat himself right next to you.

“I’m so jetlagged,” He said, pulling his face mask up when he yawned. You avoided pointing out that the flight lasted less than two hours. When the bus began to move, he started to lean his head toward your shoulder. “That crying baby on the plane drove me nuts, can I maybe—”

“No,” You snapped, leaning away from him. His face dropped, and he seemed to realize his mistake. The rest of the drive was agonizingly awkward, you stewing the entire time.

Your friends always conveniently left room to sit next to Jisung, rarely anywhere else. The first night at a restaurant, all of you crammed into a round booth. The idea of sitting next to the man who’d said he loved you and then promptly stuck his dick somewhere he definitely wouldn’t have if he was being honest gave you too much anxiety. So, instead of sitting on the left edge of the table, next to the man in question, you adamantly sat on the edge of the right, right next to Chaeyoung, where there was barely any room.

And despite half of your ass hanging off of the seat the entire time, at least you got to avoid conversation with Jisung.

This morning, you’d awoken later to a text from Dahyun.

we went to go check out namco. ik u didnt want to go so i didnt wake u up

The thing is that you did want to go to Namco Wonder Tower. You have no idea where she’d gotten the idea that you didn’t want to go, because you’d explicitly told her a few days ago. The idea of a seven story tall arcade sounded like one of the coolest things ever.

Y/N: i did want to go to namco tho??

Dahyun: oh. srry! jisung told me youd changed ur mind :(

Y/N: …..

Dahyun: srry :((

And so, you’d decided to go to breakfast at the hotel alone, and that later you’d go on your own to a place that no one in your group except for you was really interested in seeing: Kiyomizu-dera.

Or at least, you had planned on going on your own.

That was until...

you called me from a payphone

they still got payphones

it cost a dollar a minute

dont answer: hey where are u going today?

Y/N: what?

dont answer: hold on i’m gonna go to your room the roaming rates are crazy hahah

Oh no. Oh no, no, no—

A knock at the door made your blood boil and your heart splinter. You knew who was at the door, there was no pretending you hadn’t left. He knew you were likely still here.

And besides. You couldn’t run from him forever. You’d have to face him eventually.

You put down the laptop you’d been using to look for directions to the temple from the hotel, before getting up. When you opened the door, Jisung was standing there rocking back and forth from the balls of his feet to the tips of his toes. As if he hadn’t a care in the world, as if he wasn’t getting ready to face the person whose heart he’d torn out and stomped on months ago.

“Hey,” He said, smiling once he saw you.

“Hey.” Your tone held none of the affection or cheer his did.

He picked up on this immediately, and his smile disappeared. “So… Can we talk?”

You looked him up and down, heaving a deep sigh. You had half a mind to slam the door in his face after what Dahyun had just told you. On the other hand, you could finally get some insight as to why. Why Jisung decided to do what he’d done. Why he’d decided to seek comfort in someone else.

Truthfully, the whole thing had done a number on your self esteem (as if it hadn’t been bad enough before this). It left you wondering why you couldn’t be enough.

You chewed on your lip nervously, before opening the door a bit wider. “...Five minutes. You get five minutes.”

to tell me you're getting sober

and you wrote me a letter

but i don't have to read it

He nodded solemnly, and stepped into the room before you closed the door. “It… I’m a complete idiot. I don’t want to blame you,” He mumbled before continuing anyway, “But… you were so focused on finals, and the past year sitting at home had been so isolating, I… I just felt so alone, and I—”

“You cheated on me because you felt alone,” You scoffed, “Do… Do you hear yourself, Jisung?”

His eyes were dark with sadness. “You won’t even call me Sungie anymore,” He whispered.

“I called you Sungie when you were my boyfriend. You’re not my boyfriend anymore. You broke my heart, Jisung.”

He didn’t reply, staring at his lap in silence. You gnawed on your lip.

“How many times?” You said hoarsely. His head shot up, and he shook his head.

“I don’t want to hurt y—”

You scoffed in a brief moment of strength. “Oh, now you don’t want to hurt me. That’s rich. I’m gonna ask again, Han Jisung, and you’re gonna tell me. I at least deserve that. How—many—times?”

Jisung’s eyes squeezed themselves shut, and he took a deep breath.”

“Six times.”

You shot out of your seat. “Six times!?”

“It was a mistake!”

“Bullshit. It would have been a mistake once. Maybe. But six times? You’re—you're disgusting, Jisung. Really.”

“Let me make it up to you, Y/N.” He reached to grab your hand. You couldn’t find it in you to yank your hand out of his grip. “Let me take you around the city today. We’ll have fun, just like old times. Please, baby, let me do this for you. For us.”

Your eyes squeezed shut, and you let go of a sigh so deep it must have been locked away in a part of the body yet to be discovered by doctors. Your mind flashed images of him in your mind.

The smile on his face after your first kiss, on your fourth date. How he looked falling asleep in your lap. The way he’d look at you when the two of you were naked, cuddling in bed. And finally, of him on top of a girl you’d seen a few times around campus, in the bed the two of you had bought together, in your apartment.

You wanted him so bad. How your hands ached to turn back the hands of the clock, to be there for him, to be better. To smack some sense into him and to prove that he needed you just as much as you needed him.

“...I don’t know.”

“Come on,” He insisted, “I-I’ll take you to…” His eyes darted back and forth nervously, thinking of something to say.

“Kiyomizu-dera,” Jisung declared finally, eyes widening and a smile gracing his face. “You’ve always wanted to go, I know you have. We can go there.”

You chewed on your lip, heart skipping a beat at how he managed to remember. “I was already planning on going there today,” You admitted with a soft laugh. His smile grew, seemingly proportional to how hopeful he was feeling.

“Perfect,” He murmured, “Let’s go now.”

You could do this, right?

i'm gonna kill you

if you don't beat me to it

dreaming through tokyo skies

You definitely couldn’t do this.

You almost choked on your tired sigh when you saw the car coming down the street, just as Jisung was beginning to cross.

“Jisung, look out!” You cried, pulling him back by the collar. He let out a strangled gasp as the car came barreling past, horn blaring. You pushed him gently towards the sidewalk, and shook your head, looking at him as if he had gone mad. He rubbed the front of his neck, having been choked by the fabric of his shirt.

“What were you thinking? That guy could have killed you!”

“I’m sorry!” He cried, cringing, “I’m still not used to them driving on different sides of the roads.”

You shook your head, “Jisung… Oh my god. My heart just fell out of my ass.”

He didn’t answer. The silence was tense, before you heard him awkwardly clear his throat. You could tell he was holding back a laugh. And despite your pounding heart, you found yourself holding back giggles as well. Soon enough, the both of you were cackling hysterically in the middle of the sidewalk,

“You idiot,” You said, between gasps of breath, “I swear to god—”

“Yeah, but I’m your idiot, right?” He answered, with a muffled laugh. Your face froze, and he seemed to realize what he’d said. He took a deep breath, looking down at the floor and shuffling his feet awkwardly.

i wanted to see the world

then i flew over the ocean

“I’m sorry.” He fiddled with the zipper of his black jacket, and you shook your head, but didn’t say anything.

The silence that permeated the space between the two of you left your ears ringing. You remembered when he used to say that, back when you were still together.

You glanced at the road. All of the cars were now lining up in front of the crosswalk, and you cleared your throat. “We can cross now. Come on.”

When you were still together.

then i changed my mind

december 17th, 2020

The night you’d first declared your relationship over was just before winter break at your university was about to begin. Junior year was no walk in the park. And finals week was definitely not a good time to be dealing with too many personal issues.

So of course, you found out your boyfriend was cheating on you halfway through finals week of junior year.

You’d just gotten back from campus to your boyfriend’s apartment. It was cold, snow had been falling all day and the tip of your nose was still cold and a bit runny from walking through the winter air. It was nearing 11PM, you wanted to just lay in Jisung’s arms and that you didn’t have another killer exam the next day. Your entire morning had been spent going over your notes for one exam. Once you had taken that exam in the afternoon, it was off to studying for the exam the following day.

Your eyes were heavy. Your head hurt with both the uncertainty of how you’d done on the test earlier and how tired you were. All you wanted was Jisung.

Instead, when you knocked on the door, Chan opened it. When he saw your face beneath your face mask, his eyes grew a bit wide—as if he didn’t know what to do now that you were here. In hindsight, you knew now why he looked so panicked. But at that moment, it didn’t really register. You just wanted to be let in to see your boyfriend.

“Oh. Y/N,” He mumbled, mouth pressed into a flat line, “Jisung didn’t… tell me you were coming.”

You shook your head, pulling your mask down. “I thought I’d surprise him, I guess. I brought some food in case he needed a little pick-me-up.”

He shook his head, glancing behind him at something in the corridor that led to the two bedrooms. “Uh… he’s sleeping, I think he’s pretty tired, maybe you should just head on home—”

A soft, distinctly feminine, moan burst through the air, muffled from distance and a wall. You raised an eyebrow, out of nowhere feeling anxious.

“What was that?” You tried to look into the apartment, but Chan pressed his body between the door and the frame. He had an uneasy smile on his face, shaking his head quickly. Alarm bells were going off in your head.

“Oh, uh, Changbin has his girlfriend over. You know how he and Jooah get,” He mumbled with a soft chuckle.

Suddenly, you felt a lot more awake, and your heart sank. “Jooah’s visiting her mom in Busan. I spoke to her an hour ago. There’s no way she could get from Busan to Seoul so… oh my god.”

You pushed past Chan, ready to give Changbin a piece of your mind. Jooah didn’t deserve this. Chan followed after you, rambling quietly about how this isn’t a good idea and I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Y/N, really—

But as you approached the bedrooms, your stomach dropped when you realized that the soft grunts and moans weren’t coming from Changbin’s room, and the grunting didn’t really sound like Changbin at all.

No, you thought, turning around towards Jisung’s room, he wouldn’t. He couldn’t, could he?

And when you pushed the door open, you had an egregious moment of epiphany. He could. He most definitely could.

sunset's been a freakshow on the weekend

so i've been driving out to the suburbs

Of course, as every cheating son-of-a-bitch ex-boyfriend says, it wasn’t what it looked like. He could explain. The only feasible explanation you could come up with was that Jisung just so happened to slip and fall, and landed penis first into the girl’s vagina.

And even then that still wouldn’t account for the fact that he had met her on Tinder of all places. You really couldn’t be angry with her, because once she realized what was happening, she turned pale and yelled, “He told me he was single!”

Which sort of pissed you off—some deep form of internalized misogyny wanted so badly to place all the blame on this nameless girl, for enticing a man who had a girlfriend. But if she hadn’t known, the only person squarely responsible was him.

Han Jisung.

The man currently scrambling to pull on some pants as you turned, wordlessly walking towards the door. You walked past Chan, who was dead silent and staring at the floor. Your vision was blurring, and you could feel your grip on the plastic takeout bag trembling.

“Y/N, love, I’m sorry, listen to me, please! I’ve been with you so long, I don’t want to lose you now—” Jisung pleaded, running after you as you headed for the door. It’d been left wide open after you’d pushed past Chan, so you didn’t find any resistance until you felt someone grip your free wrist. Even though you were wearing a thick winter coat, the second you registered it as Jisung’s touch, the coldest temperature you’d ever felt seemed to sweep over your body.

When you turned to yank your wrist away, Jisung immediately stepped back, eyes wide in shock. You wondered what your face looked like, but you could never truly know. Back then, you could register it moving, contorting, but your body was so numb out of nowhere, you couldn’t feel to what degree. It seemed to be enough to shock him into silence, brows raised and mouth gaping.

You didn’t recognize your voice when you spoke. This odd mixture of despair, of rage, of bitterness came somewhere deep within your subconscious, to the point where some nights you wondered if you’d been possessed. The strangest thing was that while your voice was small, shaky and almost monotone, all of these emotions were somehow still palpable in the last words you spoke to him, before walking out the door, and not seeing him for six months.

“All I ever did was love you,” You told him, “And this is the thanks I get.”

You didn’t block his number. Looking back, you should have. Despite all of his texts and calls, he didn’t come to see you. You supposed he was also tied up with finals and everything else.

sungie<3: baby please

sungie<3: i love you please pick uo

han jisung: i swear i can explain

han jisung: its not what it looke d like i promise

han jisung: plaese come back

dont answer: ill wait for you. you love me right?

dont answer: y/n please

By the time finals were over you were a bleary mess. You spent every night the rest of that week crying over your class notes, staying up and running on barely any sleep and way too many coffee cups and energy drinks to be safe.

And by the time finals were over, you were already on your way back home, far, far away from Jisung. Right before you boarded your flight home, you texted him once.

Y/N: we’re done. don’t text me ever again.

to park at the goodwill and stare at the chemtrails

with my little brother

december 23rd, 2020

“So, he just… cheated on you?” Your younger brother asked, sitting on the porch next to you. Heaving a sigh, you nodded.

“I’m done with him. I don’t ever want to speak to him again.”

He frowned, before looking at you. “You guys really loved each other, though.”

You nodded, but then shook your head. Yes, you wanted him to hold you and tell you everything would be alright. But you knew that it never would be again.

“That’s sort of true. If he really loved me he wouldn’t have cheated on me. And even if he managed to convince me that he did… I don’t know. I could never trust him again. I would get paranoid every time he talks to another girl. I don’t want to live like that.”

He didn’t say anything. You didn’t really expect him to fully understand. He was still a teenager and hadn’t really gone through the whole relationship thing completely yet.

he said you called on his birthday

you were off by like ten days

but you get a few points for trying

“He still talks to me sometimes.”

You froze. “What?”

“Yeah,” He answered, “He called me last week to tell me happy birthday.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Your birthday isn’t for another week.”

He nodded, then shrugged. “Thought that counts, I guess. But he was cool. He was funny.”

Frowning, you shook your head. “Well, don’t… talk to him. He’s a dick.”

“Maybe, but I had a good drive learning to drive with him.”

You thought back to the time Jisung had helped you teach your little brother to drive—Jisung even let your brother use your dad’s old truck, after helping to fix it.

With a scoff, you looked down. “...It was pretty fun, wasn’t it.”

remember getting the truck fixed when you let us drive it

25 felt like flying

july 29th, 2019

“OH-kay,” Jisung exclaimed from the backseat, body lurching forward as your brother slammed on the breaks, “Maybe we should practice breaking a little bit more before you actually head out onto the road.”

You chuckled, before nodding. “You’re lucky this is just an empty parking lot,” You said, looking at your brother. He looked like such a kid, pimply and scraggly, and here he was being put in the driver’s seat of a giant hunk of metal with wheels.

You sighed. “If this were an actual road someone would have called an ambulance right now.”

“Oh, come on,” Jisung said, “He’s still learning! He’s got plenty of time.”

“Thank you!” Your brother raised his eyebrows as he began to maneuver the car again. “Someone’s gotta be on my side.”

december 23rd, 2020

“God-fucking-dammit, whose side are you even on?” You snapped, giving the younger boy a glare. “I’m your sister. He cheated on me.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” He reasoned, watching you get up from the porch. “Y/N, wait—”

You slammed the back door shut, before blinking back tears furiously.

you love me right?

You did. You absolutely did. And you couldn’t stand it.

i don't forgive you

but please don't hold me to it

born under scorpio skies

Maybe you could do this. As you got onto the train, you nearly stumbled, but Jisung caught you before you fell. Your eyes met, and yours turned wide in surprise. “Oh,” You murmured, “...Thanks.”

He let out an awkward laugh, which sounded more like a loud exhale than anything. “I mean, you did the same for me earlier,” He answered, before hurriedly adding, “E-except I might have died if you hadn’t pulled me back, y’know?”

“I would have died too. But more out of embarrassment than anything else.”

This time, his laugh sounded more genuine. “That’s the [zodiac sign] in you.”

You froze as the train started to move. Suddenly, you were flooded back to times that you had read Jisung his horoscope, before he’d roll his eyes and say something along the lines of, “Oh, that’s so vague! It could happen to anyone!”

And every time, you’d reply something like, “Well, if you don’t like it I won’t read them to you anymore.”

But every single time, every beautiful, cruel time, he’d fire back, “No, it’s okay. I like how into it you are. It’s cute.”

He put up with it because he thought it was cute, because he loved seeing your reactions. Because he loved you. Or at least you thought he did.

Did he still love you?

“I-I thought you weren’t into horoscopes.”

He scratched the back of his head, before shrugging. “I, uh, I got into it after you left.”

When you didn’t say anything, he took that as his cue to continue.

“Would it be horrible of me to say that I got into it because I missed—”

“Yes,” You snapped weakly, “It would.”

Jisung’s eyes looked at the ground. The silence between the two of you was filled by the train around you. From the sound of the rails, to the man in the corner who sneezed suddenly and gave everyone a bout of anxiety when they heard the noise, to the two schoolgirls whispering excitedly to themselves a few seats away from you.

“I’m sorry,” He murmured, “But it’s true.”

The train slowed into a station, and you did the mental math. After this stop, you could get off and walk three blocks before reaching the hotel.

“Even if it is, what does it fix?” You murmured as more people piled into the train, causing you to force your body closer to your ex-boyfriend’s.

“Nothing,” He admitted, eyes sad, “But I needed you to know.”

i wanted to see the world

through your eyes until it happened

During the rest of your time on the train, neither of you spoke. Those next ten-ish minutes where you were just about pressed up against each other felt unbearable. His wide, dark eyes found yours and you couldn’t seem to pull away. If it weren’t for the face masks, you would probably be able to feel his breath on your face.

The pair of you gripped the same pole for support, and over the course of time, Jisung lowered his hand towards yours. First, his pinky brushed your index finger. The contact set your skin alight and suddenly your skin felt dry. Then, his hand grew even closer and he intertwined your pinky and your index fingers.

Pull away, you told yourself, wherever this is going it won’t end well.

The train pulled into the stop, and you lost your balance. You tumbled into Jisung’s chest, and he planted a foot behind you to stop the both of you from falling.

When you pulled away, both from his chest and his hand, your face felt like it was on fire. You didn’t know where to look.

“Are you okay?” He asked, sounding concerned.

“Yeah,” You said hoarsely, not really meeting his eyes.

Stepping onto the platform, you exited the station with Jisung on your heels. The entire walk home was silent once more, your body tingling with a mix of anxiety and excitement that you couldn’t quite place the origins of. Your body sped up of its own accord, first into a brisk speedwalk and then a light jog. Why you were doing this, you didn’t know.

“Y/N?”

Did you want to get away, or did you want to know if he would chase after you?

“Y/N!”

Once inside the hotel, you pressed the button to call the elevator. You swallowed dryly once Jisung caught up to you, panting slightly.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again, breathlessly. The elevator dinged, and you stepped in without answering. Jisung followed after you, watching anxiously as you pressed the button to the seventh floor several times. Your body was trembling. You felt like a live wire, but you weren’t sure what emotion was charging the sensation.

Emotions?

Anger. You ruined everything. Despair. I never want to see you again. Love. I need you. Hate. You disgust me. Bitterness. Why did you do this to me?

“Y/N,” Jisung murmured as the doors slid shut, “Are—you—okay?”

Desire. You were the last person who touched me—and the only one who ever did it right.

You pulled your mask down, agitated. The automated female voice said, “Going up,” in Japanese, and you lost it.

“No, I’m not.”

Your hand found the collar of Jisung’s shirt, gripping it so tightly your hand cramped. Jisung’s eyes widened and his shoulders scrunched up. It occurred to you that maybe he thought you would hit him, likely due to your erratic behavior. But that was the last thing on your mind as you yanked the mask off of his face, and pressed your lips to his.

He froze for a moment, before cradling your cheeks in his hands. His body reacted a second later, pressing himself into you. A moment later, your back was pressed to the wall of the elevator and Jisung was slotting himself in between your legs. And you let him.

“I missed you,” He gasped in between desperate kisses, “So much.”

Your chest clenched, and your hands wrapped themselves around his narrow waist, coming up to fist themselves in the fabric of his hoodie.

A sensation in your lower stomach, spreading between your legs made your body feel even warmer. You wanted him so bad. You needed him.

But did he need you? Did he want you? Or did he just want you to need him?

You pushed him away as if he’d burned you. For all intents and purposes, he basically had. Jisung caught himself before he could fall against the wall, face perplexed.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” You whispered, eyes welling with tears, “I’m sorry.”

And just in time, “Seventh floor,” the automated voice said.

then i changed my mind

Maybe you couldn’t do this, you decided as you launched yourself out of the elevator. Jisung didn’t follow you this time. You wondered if you were making everything too complicated. Rounding the wrong corner, you found yourself at Dahyun and Chaeyoung’s door.

No, the little voice of reason in the back of your brain insisted, he doesn’t get to complain about that.

After a few knocks on the door, Dahyun opened the door. Her hair was damp, as if she’d just finished showering.

“Hey,” She said, “You look like shit. What happened to you?”

She ushered you in, and you wiped away a tear as you sat down on her bed.

It all just sort of… came out. Dahyun listened, nodding along every few moments to make it look like she was listening. You told her everything that had happened that day—the texting, the trip to the temple, the ride back, the elevator. The goddamn elevator.

“I don’t even know what came over me when I did that,” You mumbled once you were finished. “I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.”

“Do you wanna know what I think?” Dahyun asked, leaning forward. You nodded.

“You clearly still have feelings for him,” She said, “I think both of you guys still do.”

“It wouldn’t work.” You shook your head. “Not after what he did.”

“Haven’t you punished him enough?”

You made a face. “What the hell are you even talking about?”

“Come on, Y/N,” Dahyun sighed, “It’s been six months. We gave you your space, but… you guys love each other. Jisung loves you, and you still love him, right? We’re all rooting for you guys.”

“Dahyun, I… I don’t think I could ever trust him again.”

“Oh, come on. It happens to everyone at least once. You love each other! I think it’s a testament to his love that even after his mistake—”

“It wasn’t a mistake—”

“—and after the way you treated him, he still loves you. Right?”

You froze, and your mouth fell open. “After the way I treated him? Was I supposed to react differently to my boyfriend cheating on me?”

She stared at you, before huffing. She seemed annoyed at the fact that the conversation was still going. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

Standing, you crossed your arms. “No! I really don’t, Dahyun. You really think that I was an asshole to him after everything he did to me—”

“Maybe he did it because you’re so fucking uptight about everything,” She grumbled, “Jesus.”

You took a step back, and your heart cracked. “Wow,” You muttered, “Nice one, Dahyun.”

Turning on your heel, you ignored Chaeyoung stepping out of the bathroom with damp hair. “What is it now?”

“Y/N,” Dahyun called, “Y/N!”

But you didn’t turn around. You slammed the door shut on the way out, and when you got back to your hotel room you locked your door. As you sat down, you felt like you probably should have felt hurt at the fact that you didn’t hear Dahyun chasing after you in an attempt to apologize to you.

guess i lied

You pulled your phone out of your pocket as it began to buzz. When you saw the name on your screen, your eyes grew misty.

dont answer: come to the rooftop balcony later tonight. i want to fix this, i really do

dont answer: we can get a nice dinner just you and me

dont answer: and then after we can just tall

dont answer: talk

In a fit of rage, you typed out with shaky hands. You knew it was wrong. But just once, you wanted him to hurt.

Y/N: ok. ill be there :)

dont answer: really?

dont answer: ill make it up to you i promise

dont answer: thank you baby

You couldn’t do this. Not anymore.

i'm a liar

You realized now just what an idiot you’d been. You’d poured so much into these people, these relationships that you’d been holding on to them because of some sunk cost fallacy logic. I’ve been with you for so long, I don’t want to lose you now.

You opened your laptop on the table, eyes brimming with tears as the monitor lit up to your earlier google search - the results displaying your previous search for Kiyomizu-dera.

And suddenly, your entire day came crashing down even further. Your eyes shot to where Jisung had sat that morning. He’d looked so panicked when you had gotten angry with him, fidgeting and gripping your hand, eyes looking anywhere and everywhere.

Closing your eyes, you conjured up the moment in your mind. The way his eyes stopped on the table and then…

“Kiyomizu-dera,” Jisung declared finally, eyes widening and a smile gracing his face. “You’ve always wanted to go, I know you have. We can go there.”

Of course he didn’t know. Or at least, he didn’t remember all the times you’d gushed about it. He lied. And you couldn’t stay here any longer.

Pulling up your flight information, you clicked at random looking for the option you wanted, wiping away the stray tears that ran down your cheeks.

Confirm return date change? You will be charged an extra fee for flights booked less than 24 hours before departure.

[x] Yes [ ] No

who lies

No, you couldn’t do this, you realized as your finger hovered over the mouse before finally clicking yes. As if your body had a mind of its own, you were packing your suitcases before you fully realized what was going on.

You were wrong. If you were being completely honest, running away from Jisung sounded like the best course of action. But until that happened, he would continue to eat away at you, to chain himself to you until it dragged the both of you down and make you feel bad for letting the both of you sink.

He cheated on you. And then when he said he didn’t want to blame you, he blamed you anyway. You were so busy. I felt so alone. Zero accountability, you realized as you pulled your suitcases into the elevator. The same elevator you had kissed him in. When you stepped into the lobby and handed them your checkout card, you knew there was no turning back.

dont answer: im already here, i’ll just wait for you

dont answer: baby?

[dont answer] calling…

one missed call from [dont answer]

dont answer: y/n?

Jisung still had your heart gripped in his hands. You needed to snatch it out of them and glue it back together.

How you would do that, you didn’t know.

But you knew it wouldn’t happen if you allowed him to hold this power over you, you realized as you stepped into the shuttle bus. With shaky fingers, you tapped a few options on your phone.

block “dont answer”?

You hit yes. You ignored the tear rolling down your cheek.

'cause i'm a liar

And when the shuttle bus began to move, you didn’t look back.

taglist: @iwishihadabettername @doderyscoffee @chanluster @laylasbunbunny @emobeomgyu @always-wishing-for-rain

#stray kids x reader #stray kids au #stray kids angst #han jisung x reader #han jisung au #han jisung angst #skz scenarios #stray kids scenarios #han jisung scenarios #punisher series

316 notes · View notes

l0vegalores · 1 month

Text

╰ ☆ ◞ beautrice laus / ciswoman / she/her ——— no way is that immy pritchard? you know they’re twenty-three years old and they’ve been in los angeles for twenty-three years. they’re chillin’ as a musician & music producer for eclipse entertainment. oh and they’re notoriously known for being anxious but there are some people who have seen them be playful. i heard they’re a part of a solo act called IMMY, yeah they’re a vocalist & guitarist. to be honest they sound a lot like beabadoobee, remi wolf and cat & calmell. they’re actually pretty popular.

the low down on immy pritchard featuring. a sonic fm interview

(content warnings: childhood cancer, car accident, parental death, age gap relationship, alcoholism)

part one: statistics.

basic information:

full name: imelda rosamie pritchard

nickname(s): immy (preferred name)

age: twenty-three

date of birth: 17th june, 2000

place of birth: los angeles, california

gender: ciswoman

pronouns: she/her

orientation: bisexual/biromantic (masc leaning attraction)

language(s) spoken: english, some tagalog

neighbourhood: west paradise

living arrangements:

family ties:

mother: cecilia pritchard

father: richard pritchard

siblings: sonny pritchard

spouse / partner: n/a

children: n/a

pets: two cats - sushi, mac & cheese

occupational information:

occupation: music producer for eclipse entertainment

name of their act: IMMY

so they play instruments? if so what?: vocalist & guitar

how long have they been a part of the act?: six years

current monthly spotify/apple music listens on average: 11M

physical appearance:

face claim: beatrice laus

hair color: black

eye color: dark brown

height: 5ft 3

build: slim/pear

tattoos: lots

piercings: ears

clothing style: thrifted, eclectic, comfy or cute, super oversized or mini skirts and crop tops and no inbetween vibes

distinguishing characteristics: freckles over her cheeks

personality:

mbti: INFP (the mediator)

element: air

western zodiac: gemini

chinese zodiac: dragon

positive traits: outgoing, curious, energetic, kindhearted

negative traits: restless, indecisive, flighty

hobbies: drawing, watching anime, playing video games, smoking weed, spending time with her friends

character inspiration (if any):

wanted connections:

band members: a bassist, guitarist and drummer would all be amazing for immy!

friends: self explanatory, pls be my bbies friend. she's been in kind of a rough place the past few months.

co workers: at eclipse entertainment

literally any kind of connection!

bonus info + headcanons:

when immy was four years old she was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia, her older brother donated his bone marrow to save her life.

when she and her brother were in hospital undergoing surgery their parents ended up in a tragic and fatal car accident which left her older brother as her guardian

she's classically trained in piano and has been playing since she was seven years old. she started playing guitar when she was thirteen and writing/singing her own songs since she was sixteen.

she studied music production and sound engineering at luminary arts college.

she had a messy break up 6 months ago with her ex michael knight (currently npc), he was ten years older then her and they met in the LA music scene. their relationship had started when she was eighteen but wasn't public until she was nineteen. their relationship was already toxic for so many reasons but over the course of their relationship her career was really starting to take off as she was selling records and touring the country. the more popular immy became the more michael resented her for it. he was cheating on her for some time and their break up was a little too public for immy's liking.

throughout her relationship with mikey, immy relied heavily on alcohol as a coping mechanism. the alcohol helped numb everything and made it easier to be with him. although since their relationship ended her dependency has dropped dramatically, she's been sober for three months and is finally starting to write more music after their breakup.

part two: questionnaire.

start at the beginning, who are you and why are you important?"gosh me?" dark eyes widened before her lips curled up into a bright smile. shrugging her shoulders before she continued. "i'm just immy, you know i'm only as important as the people around me. yeah, i play music but only because people listen."

how long have you been making music?"fuck like... forever." there was a small giggle that fell from her lips before she decided to clarify. "well, i mean making my own music for the past seven or eight years but i've always been a musician my whole life."

how would you describe the kind of music you make?"um, that's honestly a little bit hard to say right now." her dark brows furrowed for the moment as she stared off trying to figure out how to convey what she meant. "i think right now more than ever my music is evolving, i took a six month break from writing just so i could really figure out for myself what kind of music i wanted to make. you know without the influences of anybody else around me. so yeah it's always been a particular flavour combination of like indie, alternative, poppy styles. i just think i'm about to get a lot more experimental with my sound."

who are some of your biggest musical influences?"you know when i think about musical influences i always come back to women in music. like i'd say theres an infinite number of artists that i like or love and i'm sure i take inspiration from so many of them but when i'm thinking about people who make the kind of music that inspires me and made me go 'i wanna do that too', always women. alanis morissette, amy winehouse, florence and the machine, fiona apple, regina spektor. but i'm also constantly inspired by my friends who make music too."

what is the first record you ever bought?"the first record i ever bought... oooh--" she started batting her lashes trying to recall through the scattered thoughts in her brain. her collection was big and she remembered being a kid with her brother when she'd bought her very first CD. "i think it was inside in / inside out from the kooks. yeah and i still love that album."

what has working in the music industry meant to you thus far in your career?she couldn't have smiled wider if she tried in that moment. "oh it's meant everything. this is all i've ever wanted so to be able to be a part of this industry and have this career is literally my dream."

what are some stand out moments from your career so far? "i think just the entire trajectory of my career i've been really thankful for, you know? like getting signed to eclipse, being able to tour, getting featured in sonic, being able to work for eclipse... it's all been so fucking amazing i wouldn't wish for anything else.

how would you describe your style of performance? what makes your shows worth seeing?"i think my favourite kind of shows to perform will always be intimate ones. you know tiny bandrooms and stages that are like three feet off the floor just because it enhances the atmosphere and connects you to your audience so easily." there's almost a look of reminiscence on her features, like she's thinking back to specific shows in mind. as she slowly comes back to reality immy starts nodding her head again. "but i think as my shows grew and you know my stages had to get taller or rooms got bigger or i was opening for bigger acts i really had to adapt and find other ways to connect with crowds, especially when they're not your own crowds right? so i find just trying to have as much energy as possible is the best thing. making sure you're connecting with your band too and just trying to get everyone as fucking hyped as possible whilst throwing a slow one in there every now and then."

what are you still hoping to achieve in your career?it took her a few seconds to really allow herself to think of exactly how she wanted this to come out. "i think i want to achieve a new level of authenticity in my work. like i said, i'm trying to be really experimental and like i'm trying to find my voice again

what’s next for you?theres almost a flicker of doubt in her eyes. like she really doesn't know how to answer that question "hopefully an album soon, but that's way out so maybe some singles first... i don't know it depends on how experimental i get."

#sonicfm:intro #about / immy pritchard.

3 notes · View notes

cybermuses · 3 months

Text

Is that KIANA LEDE ? Oh, no, that’s SALEM WEST, a TWENTY SIX year old MUSICIAN who uses SHE/HER pronouns. They currently live in VIÑA DEL MAR, and the character they identify with most is MISTY DAY from AHS:COVEN. Hopefully they find their own little paradise here in el país de los poetas!

hi angels i'm mar and this is my baby salem!! i can't wait to write with all of you <3 ~pinterest for the vibes~

about.

꒰ ♡ ꒱ salem west was born and bred in new orleans, louisiana on june 5th 1997 to gwen and thomas west . gwen and tommy met in the mid 90’s, tommy being the frontman of one of the biggest bands in the world "The Aces" and gwen being one of the top supermodels of the 90’s. the two eloped quickly in a small ceremony after only being together for about four months while traveling to vegas and have been together ever since. being the only child of a supermodel and rockstar gave salem the privilege to grow up around music and fashion with a deep appreciation of the two. in 2006 during the golden age of reality tv gwen and tommy signed on for a reality show called "gwen and tommy" which would go on for about 8 years before ending. the show highlighted every part of their lives, including the lows, which forced salem to grow up on tv and under a microscope susceptible to the public's scrutiny. eventually, being on television had a negative effect on her and her insecurities got the best of her which would lead her to struggle with various issues going forward. ꒰ ♡ ꒱ spending most of her time between new york and new orleans salem didn't really grow up with a stable home life. her parents didn't believe a nanny should raise their daughter so she often traveled with them for work between cities, new york being their main place of residence during the summers. when she got older she became responsible for raising herself and in that time she fell in love with new york. she loved the art, the culture, the freedom--- often finding ways to create her own safe space without the cameras with friends who understood the pressures of growing up with famous relatives. she finished school relatively early due to homeschooling. by the time she was 16 she graduated and spent her free time learning how to play various instruments and attending fashion events with her mom. but the fashion world never really stuck for her. ꒰ ♡ ꒱ when her 18th birthday rolled around salem started spending more time with her father and his band on tour. she loved the behind the scenes aspect of everything, including being in the studio where she realized she wanted to dabble in singing and song writing. she got into some trouble, flirted with a roadie or two, partied with locals in various cities and even started secretly dating a crew member on the tour. she didn't realize at the time how toxic and manipulative the relationship was, besides him being significantly older he often fed on her insecurities which would lead to her inevitably ending things after a year. she dove into songwriting as an outlet for her feelings and soon after discovered she had an amazing singing voice and a natural talent to play piano. tommy pushed her to pursue a career in music, they often fought about her lack of motivation to build a career out of it. salem wanted to just have fun and experiment in different ventures while tommy was focused on making her his protégé. she ended up releasing an album when she turned 21 and made a name for herself in the industry. she toured around for 2 years and released an ep during that time and some smaller shows for another year before deciding she inevitably needed a break before starting her second album.

*salem originally was supposed to arrive in valpo for some much needed time off to spend with her (now ex) boyfriend leon. after ending things with him over the phone she realized she made a huge mistake and decided to come to valpo anyways to hopefully patch things up and maybe meet some new people along the way too.

random facts.

she has a black cat named stevie (yes after stevie nicks duh) (yes she bought her cat with her)

shes like the witchy plant mom of the group

also very chaotic but in a fun way! she loves going out and partying bc why not! she's harmless tho i promise <3

loves giving back and is big on philanthropy, kinda guilty about how much money her family has tbh

was diagnosed bipolar at 15 (be nice to her pls)

really loves people but has very few close to friends due to people using her for their own gain

she's also queer and a gemini ( i gave her the same bday as angelina jolie bc nothing is real so! why not!)

wanted connections? literally anything she's new to town so we can figure something out just message me on discord!!!~

tldr; chaotic nepo baby who grew up on reality tv and is a musician lmao

#hi #this is...a lot anyways lets plot #valpohqintro #ignore any typos im not caffinated rn

4 notes · View notes

mitsulite · 3 months

Text

Actually sick to my stomach looking back…

Ever heard of limerance? Well that’s what I was suffering from last year when I met A. Ugh. I could actually throw up after reading those posts. I felt so strongly and passionately immediately. Because I am an obsessive person who very most likely has bpd, and I latch on fast. We had a whirlwind romance, A and I. He told me he loved me 3 days in. I did not want to say it back but he kept saying it and almost pressuring me to say it back. I said it back to him during sex, and fuck I regret that. This man thought, and still does actually, that I’m his soulmate. He became so committed to me. Which at the time was intoxicating. I had never had someone dote on me and obsess over me the way he did, and I’m toxic and became addicted. As the time passed, and by time I mean a couple weeks!!! He was pressuring me about leaving my 8 year relationship. To be frank, I was looking for an affair, a distraction before I decided if I really wanted to leave. It’s not right and I’m not proud of it. But that’s just the truth. He didn’t want to just be a fling. He was talking about marrying me immediately, about me leaving my gf and my DOG of all things to move with him to his home state. Mind you I absolutely love where I live. And I love my dog more than anything in this world. So neither of those things was gonna happen. But he never stopped. He would casually mention in conversation “when you leave her” like bro what? Let me decide? He was constantly asking for a timeline of when we would move in together. He wanted to by March-may, which would barely even be 6 months of knowing each other. I didn’t even save my ex’s number in my phone til we were together like 2 years.

So after 2 months of this, come December I found myself counting down the days til he went back to his home state indefinitely. In my heart I knew I wanted to end it, but I didn’t have the courage to. Used to being a doormat in relationships. When he did leave, our last night together was very emotional. I didn’t cry in front of him but I definitely cried. But I think I was both sad and also very relieved. He called me every day, which was ok but to be honest, talking on the phone gives me a lot of anxiety and I didn’t really enjoy it. He would want to call me like 3 times a day. Not respecting that I would be with my gf inevitably some of those times. The last straw for me…I had gone out for the night with my gf. I was trying to work it out with her. Apparently I had buttdialed him, I remember looking down to see I was calling him and ending the call immediately. Well he calls me back right away and I deny the call. He keeps calling and then texting asking what was going on and that if I didn’t answer he was going to be upset because he was worried. Like wtf? I remember stepping out to walk the dog so I could call him and I could immediately feel I got the ick as soon as I heard his voice. After that night, he kept apologizing and saying it was ok that we fought. But we didn’t even fight. I was super unfazed by it all. And then immediately emotionally detached myself. This was leading up to my birthday at the end of the year.

Sometime after my birthday, he asked me about the disconnect, that he felt it since my birthday. And I used that as an opportunity to end it. However he completely read between the lines and only took in what he wanted, which was not that we had broken up. He continued to think we were together and it pissed me off that I was being ignored so I ghosted him!!!!

So I completely ignored him from January to probably about June, July or august. The summer. Summer was tough. I met someone through work that I developed a fat crush on. It was how much we genuinely had in common that got me. After meeting this guy, I realized I no longer wanted to continue my current relationship. It was no longer serving me and never would. I attempted to break it off all summer but once again, my wants, needs and desires were ignored. Nothing came of me and my coworker. He went back to his store and that ship sailed. But now I was checked out of my home life, and lonely as ever. Truthfully missing the sex I had with A, but never missing him, LOL. I was thinking with my figurative dick when I started posting on Reddit looking for random hookups, well a long term FWB was the plan. I find a post from a guy describing himself as generally attractive and covered in tattoos. Me, horny as ever and very into tattooed guys, message him. A couple days later he sends me his number and I text him. This was a couple days into September. I send him a picture of me and he is shocked that I am “hot”. You know how it goes on Reddit. I find him pretty cute himself. We weren’t talking too sexually but basically give a quick rundown of what we’re into and agree to meet a few days later, literally to hook up lol. The day comes and I’m nervous as hell but excited. Mind you we were texting everyday. He never stops telling me how beautiful I am. I’m literally shaking on the way to meet him and he texts me that he’s really nervous and I immediately say it’s ok we can meet another day. I was so relieved. And saw that as the biggest green flag. So I go home, and we text all night. We reschedule to meet the next week I believe. I was so nervous driving to the Starbucks we met at that I had to have a laugh attack before getting out the car. I walked up to the car and I could see immediately he was so cute. I get in and he says hi, and right away tells me I have a gorgeous smile and that I was so beautiful. You already know my ass can’t stop smiling and laughing. We just talked for like an hour. We held hands just a little. He kept telling me I was really funny. We didn’t hook up. He didn’t even touch me, aside from my hands. When he takes me back to my car, I say fuck it and I lean into him and kiss him quickly. He was shocked but kissed me back, then hugged me awkwardly. He says he’s so glad he got to meet me and we agree we want to see each other again. I say bye and get into my car. But then the butterflies hit and I’m like what the fuck? I know I said I had never felt anything like I did with A, and I hadn’t. But this was even more different. We hit it off, but it was once I was alone that I felt like I had been hit by a truck. It was this positively looming feeling that my life was going to change. I grabbed my phone and just texted him “fuck” because that’s all I could think. He replied “I know” and I just felt it happening. I was going to fall in love with him. He tells me right then that he likes me and I told him I think I liked him too. Well, we talked every single day after that. Every morning a good morning beautiful text. I don’t even know what we would talk about, it was just constant. I go to see him one day on his lunch break. He put his hand on my thigh and I fucking melted into him. He didn’t even touch me any sexual way, just touched my thigh. We kiss a lot obviously. Talk a lot. I told him about my situation and he was cool. We related to each other on a lot of issues. It was almost like we were too similar especially regarding our toxic traits. I had been there before with M, my first love many years ago. There’s a lot about him that reminds me of M. When I leave his car he reaches over and squeezes my ass and if it’s one thing that drives me crazy…it’s that!!!

It had to have been later that night, or a few nights later. We’re talking sexually and he mentions wanting me to have his baby. I’m like ok don’t play with me I really want to be a mommy. And he says he’s dead serious. That he’s incredibly drawn to me and can’t explain it. That he would love to have our fun and then start a family eventually. Like what?! That was it. That was the fucking moment I was done for. My libra moon said you wanna what?!?! And was 100000% onboard. I warn him that I fall in love fast and if he wasn’t careful I’d fall in love with him soon. He says good and that he wants me to fall in love with him. Well spoiler alert, I do.

Except it goes like this. Our constant talking one day just kinda slows down. I’m already 75% in love so I’m attached and panicking. Becoming depressed on days I don’t hear from him. It’s early December and I am just besides myself as he ignores me. For whatever reason he texts me late that night, asks how I am. I am honest and tell him im having a rollercoaster of emotions and fear I might have bpd. Well, turns out he fucking has it. Says he definitely thinks I am probably bipolar and not bpd. His reasoning? I haven’t went off on him. I tell him I worked on myself for YEARS to not do that. Because the old me would have blown up on him at least several times by then. Probably the first time I felt ignored. We talk all night. Im telling him I don’t care about whatever his issues are, I want to be there with him and for him. That im falling in love and it sucks because that person doesn’t want to let me in. We talk more and more, he’s apologizing saying he will make more effort to be vulnerable and let me in. I get it it’s hard. We’re ending the conversation and bitch…he tells me he loves me. HE says it to ME. I thought I would be first. Then I realize it’s 3 months to the day that we first “met”.

Im genuinely in love. We’ve been talking or ~together almost 5 months now and have never fought. He is really amazing about curving my rage fits. He never allows me to instigate a fight and he never fucking has. He is so calm with me and it’s actually mind blowing. I’ve never gotten that from anyone in my life. When I get upset with him, he listens, acknowledges why im upset, apologizes and promises to work on whatever the issue is. Since we both likely have bpd, it’s always a bit of a struggle but at the same time it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t get to see him as often as I want, but im grateful for taking it slow. Such a vast difference from A. I want to marry J and have his babies. I want to make him home and take care of him every day for the rest of our lives. We both feel so strongly that we would be such a good team. Life gets in the way… but im patient. I know I deserve him. Idk if he knows he deserves me but I hope he does. This is how I wanted it to happen. He gave me the courage to leave my relationship finally. He gave me a reason to want to move on. And guess what? We haven’t even had sex yet. That’s the best (and worst?) part. I can’t imagine what im going to feel the moment we finally do. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked me. I would move across the world if he asked me to. I’d go with him anywhere. I feel like he’s the love of my life to be honest. The stars aligned, finally for me.

0 notes

auberosier · 2 years

Text

Im sorry I’m gonna vent but

Around a year ago, my ex send me 7 minutes audios of him drunk at 2 a.m.

For context, we dated for a year and a half and he broke up with me in October 2020 because he fell out of love and we were becoming very toxic for each other. That broke my heart like hell. We fought over very stupid things for 6 months after that. He called me like once a month to blame me for a lot of things and I apologised a lot ( I realised now that I apologised for a lot of things I should not have apologised for). At some point he told me that I made him unhappy for 2 years (basically the moment we were dating and all of the fights afterwards). But around June 2021 we had a call and I told him that he ruined the memory I had of this relationship with this comment and he apologised, saying that he didn’t meant it. I also told him that I loved him so much that this relationship could never have ended in peace. He answered that he loved me so much too and that he was sorry. After that, I didn’t heard from him for 2 months until he used his best friend insta account to comment on some of my post, mentioning it was him. I didn’t acknowledge it. He was still watching my Instagram stories without following me. Misclick more than once on my account, following me then unfollowing me few seconds later, liking my post ect.

Back to those audios. One morning I wake up with a notification Snapchat from him. When I opened it, it was around 10 audios (7 minutes in total). In those audios he let me know that he learned that I was seeing someone else and that he is pissed because our mutual friend won’t tell him who is this person. He tells me that he is drunk in his bath. He tells me that his life sucks, that he tries to be kind to others and no one ever give it back to him, with me or the other women he has seen recently. He tells me that he tries to love himself but it doesn’t matter since I don’t love him anymore. He tells me that he is an alcoholic and depressed. He tells me that every one around him think he deserves the best but that he doesn’t think that himself. He tells me that I was his first love and that I would always have a special place in his life and in his heart. He tells me that I deserved to be loved because I’m a beautiful person and that he hopes that my new partner can bring me more love that he was able to give me at the end. He tells me how much he loved me and how his existence was centred around me so now he didn’t know what to do. He tells me that he won’t be able to love someone like he loved me. He tells me that he lost everything, he lost me, my best friend and that he missed this feeling so much.

So when I received those 7 minutes audios, I felt guilty. So guilty because I was moving on and he wasn’t. Guilty because I felt like I was the only one able to help him but I refused because I had set myself boundaries to help me heal. Guilty because he wished me well and I wished him nothing. Guilty because I thought his alcoholism was my fault.

We are one year later and let me tell you, I am not guilty. I was allowed to move on. If he didn’t, it had nothing to do with me. I was right to set by my boundaries to keep my mental health good and I wasn’t supposed to be the one he was reaching out for help. I didn’t have to wish him good if he was being abusive. And I wasn’t the person to blame for his alcoholism when I wasn’t the one putting the bottle of rhum in his hands, just like he wasn’t guilty for me losing 22 pounds after the break up. But it took 6 months for me to realise that.

Abusers will make you think that you are the one to blame.

1 note · View note

en-theheights · 3 years

Text

I’m a little late, but Andi Mack literally ended two years ago, and that is like the craziest thing ever.

i’m still super appreciative of this fandom and everything that as a collective whole we’ve been through. we’ve had plenty of ups and down, but i feel like we all came together to try and save this incredible story, and although we didn’t, it still just showed how much of an impact this show had on us that we reached the head of Disney Channel and Hulu (I know Hulu was SICK of us lol)

but with that being said..

I have more news that might shock everybody, but as a person that has just graduated high school and having a very present understanding of the way in which it kind of works, I would like to put out a shocking statement…

I believe that TJ and Cyrus are no longer together (and most likely Buffy and Marty as well).

Now, in a perfect fictional world, yes they probably would still be together, but what are the chances that a relationship started in middle school would continue to go on strong in high school?

By now, the Mack gang are all going to be Juniors in high school, so they’re bound to have found new friends, new clubs, new organizations, and new opportunities, which sometimes sadly comes with a growing distance between people.

Now let’s look closely at this. Granted, they actually started dating the summer before freshman year, but still, I stand by my statement that they’re not together. It’s kind of like Connor and Jude’s situation in The Fosters, they were the only two gay people they knew, and because of that, they were bound to end up together. but now, having expanded their horizon to new people, I think they would’ve started to grow apart little by little until they realized that they didn’t have very much in common, as well as the relationship starting to drift apart.

With TJ playing basketball, and Cyrus possibly joining a film club of some sort, they just start to not have as much time together. TJ’s friends are total opposites of Cyrus’ so trying to hang as a group was basically out of the question. while they had Buffy and Jonah, that was kind of it (I didn’t include Andi cause technically she’s at that art school and i’m talking about hanging at school).

let’s also look at this in a hypothetical way. If Andi Mack was to have been picked up for another season on Hulu, they probably would’ve started filming in September of 2019 (let’s also pretend that none of the actors were busy with other work) and they take a few moths to film, so it would’ve ended production possibly in January or February of 2020 (before the pandemic) and maybe had a few setback in post production cause of Covid, but still, season 4 comes out in like May or June of 2020. Hulu usually releases all episodes at once, so we would’ve gotten to watch all however-many-episodes in a day or two. hooray, it did really good and we’re getting another season. Now, because we are face-plant in the middle of a pandemic, the show would probably be delayed for a good few month and not start production until let’s say October or November of 2020. they finish in March or April due to some more difficulties, but the new season would probably be airing soon, about August or September of this year. Knowing Andi Mack, they’re going to have to have some type of plot that’s going to come in between Tyrus, whether that be another person, or what I was talking about. There’s no way that Tyrus is just this rainbow-sunshine-happy couple that haven’t had any hardships and a possible break up at this point.

I’m betting that the breakup either happened somewhere in the midst of Sophmore year or the summer before junior year, but i’m going with the first option. I don’t think the breakup would’ve been bad, in fact, I think they would’ve both agreed that them breaking up was for the best. Now, usually exes don’t stay friends, but i’ll leave them as that since this is a children’s show we’re talking about. I think both of them would’ve moved on eventually, Cyrus probably dating some nerdy techie guy and TJ might be dating some closeted athlete (sorry but this is high school we’re talking about, and lowkey TJ might be closeted too seeing as he’s playing a very toxic masculine sport. Only the ones super close to him knew about his relationship with Cyrus)

same goes for Buffy and Marty. They already had their many ups and downs before they even started dating, and they would’ve a hundred percent broken up.

I also thing that the Mack gang wouldn’t be close anymore like they use to and they most definitely don’t hang out like the use to, but i’ll save that for another post haha.

That’s just sadly the real world, and for somebody who started with a whole ass group of friends at the beginning of high school to now really only having one close friend, I can for sure say that nothing stays the same from middle school. (i’m sure there are some friend groups from MS out there that are still friends, but it’s probably REALLY rare).

lol, hope y’all liked my TED talk.

#andi mack #tyrus #tyrus andi mack #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #joshua rush #luke mullen #buffy driscoll #sofia wylie #marty from the party #garren lake #disney channel #2 year anniversary #i miss them tho #diary of a future president #julie and the phantoms #and i’m tagging these shows that that people can read this #lol

44 notes · View notes

leclerc-xo · 3 years

Text

Ten years ago this week my heart was shattered into a million pieces by the boy I had l loved since the age of 11. Eight and a half years of my life was spent being on and off and on and off, being infatuated, being so totally head over heels in love (or well I thought so anyway) and he ended it all on a hot June day over the phone. He was a lot of things to me and he was tied up in a lot of firsts, ask anyone back then and they’d have said we were endgame. I was angry at him for so long, well after I was over the break up. I was angry at him because he turned me into a paranoid mess and I didn’t realise that until someone new came along and showed me that it isn’t normal to constantly question every thing or feel like you have to prove why you are worthy of someone’s time. Don’t get me wrong me and my ex were kids & a lot of how he (and myself) acted was down to that but it was a toxic headspace to be in. Idk where I am going with this but the thought just popped into my head as I‘m five months off celebrating ten years with a man who has never made me question anything, who always makes me feel wanted and loved and I just wish I could tell nineteen year old Callie who lay on her bedroom floor and cried for DAYS that somethings are meant to fall apart so something better can fall together.

6 notes · View notes

slightlymore · 3 years

Note

Bestie spill the teaaaaa spill the emotional news WE ARE CURIOUS AND BORED

I have the social life of a cactus and you’re getting me through my exam session rn

HUGE ASS DISCLAIMER: obv this is only a tarot reading and I don't know him and I'm not his friend

basically his june energy is stagnation. his work is hard and he's very tired. there are many challenges to overcome but it's a bit normal for him and the type of job he's doing. his love life on the other hand is quite interesting. I get the feeling of him being stuck in the past which might have something to do with an ex. not his recent one but like the most important ex he dated. they had fights a lot and it was always a hell of a time so they've been breaking up on and off? that kind of vibe. like imagine that nct 127 song back 2 u lol, he'd get a call from the ex right when he thought he was over them and be too weak to say no. this kind of energy. that person is someone manipulative. he might say stuff like "stop calling me I'm over you" and they'd be like idk smiling all condecending saying "I know you don't". doyoung has seen other people afterwards and for a while he was even happy then eventually it either went bad and his mind got back to that ex in particular or the ex tried to get between his new relationships somehow. either way, June energy is doyoung basically fucking around, perhaps not actually fucking but like talking to different people and he doesn't like any of them and he doesn't even like his ex anymore. very stagnant energy, has no force to go over this, as is he's accepting his fate of never being able to find true love. that ex of his is honestly a terrible person, they might have cheated on him, or do the thing where you broke up, fuck someone else, then go back together to not feel guilty for cheating?? that kind of vibe. could be someone slightly older than him. not much, maybe a few years, but it's someone more experienced. doyoung also changed a lot and he's definitely stronger, he might have gotten that ex's attention back recently bc he's hot af. the ex could honestly be a narcissistic person, like as a real personality type, and doyoung does have traits of highly sensitive people, which narcissists feed of. for a bit when doyoung got their attention back bc he got confident, he liked to feel that strong but then he realized he should have done that for himself instead of them. and that ex is aware that doyoung is trying hard to be a man fatale bc he's thinking about the ex. idk if I'm explaining this well.

tldr, June is a reflective month, doyoung doesn't go through a lot of change in that sense, but I do get at the end of June he will have the resources to break free from this toxic situation. there's the emperor helping him, could be himself, being cool af and strong, or some type of manly energy, maybe a friend or family member (the emperor for me is johnny so idk if that could be him somehow or someone similar to him)

#ask

6 notes · View notes

donnawrites · 3 years

Text

Toxic Friendship

TW: Talk of rape, sexual harassment, and dark threats

In the past few years, I have been in an on and off friendship with this young lady that I would call Jay. I have cared for Jay for years and still do but I had to end the friendship twice already and respectfully due to her bringing toxicity into my life. I don’t hate her at all and even though she may have been toxic, I still think that Jay is someone that I can share some of my problems to. However, the advice she gives hasn’t been the great.

Around 7 years ago, I was nearly raped by a man who was nearly 60 and married and wanted me to come to his house to do it with. She was the first person I called soon after it happened and she was the one who listened. The only problem was that she was also the one who told me to go home and tell my parents about it first before I called the cops, which was pretty bad advice, but I still did it anyway. I was 21 and not as wise as I am now, but I digress. Not even 2 weeks later, she got me to date my 2nd ex-boyfriend.

During the 1.5 months him and I dated, it took me a bit to finally start liking him, but by the time that it started, he broke up with me. The excuse he had was that someone who was a competitive martial artist talked a bunch of evil things about his son and because he was going to put all of his focus on the karate tournament, it would be best to end our relationship. Both him and I dated from early April to mid May of 2014 and the near rape happened in late March. Around late June/early July, shortly before I turned 22, not had Jay tried to hook me up with one of her exes, she told me that he has been talking to someone else and been having a crush on her during the entirety of the relationship. This crushed me, however, his side of the story seemed to differ from hers.

The story that was explained to me from her was that they hung out twice behind my back and he told her about this person. She said that he also explained to her how he promised her to break up with me in order to be with her. This woman also said that she would break up with her ex just to be with him. His side of the story was mainly the same, except that there were a few inconsistencies. The person that he had a crush on was her and that they both dated those 2 times, not simply hung out. He also explained to me how he told her that he would break up with me if Jay would break up with her ex bf at the time. With this information, I asked her to promise me that she wouldn’t date him, in which case she did. Months later, in October of 2014, I found out from somebody else that the both of them started dating.

Furious, I spoke to her and asked her why she didn’t tell me and she made up some excuse that I can’t remember but I forgave her anyway. By the spring of 2015, when I found out they got engaged to be married, I ended our friendship because I was dumbfounded. This was someone who I had regarded as a close friend and in the end, decided to marry someone that not only I didn’t approve of, her parents didn’t approve of either and a year or two later, he dumped Jay at a bar somewhere with no way to get home to. I only found out this information last year, in early July of 2020.

From early 2015 to July 2020, I didn’t speak to her. Part of me was mad that she even chose to be with someone who I wasn’t completely over until a bit after I stopped talking to her. However, on July 2020, her and I finally talked and she apologized for everything and explained to me the story of what had happened. Over the course of the past year up until July 20th, 2021, I had virtually no issues with her. The moment that she called me bestie that night, however, things went south rather quickly.

From July 20th to August 2nd of this year, she not only told me the rest of the the reason as to why my 2nd ex-boyfriend broke up with me, it brought back old wounds and she convinced me to make a 2 part TikTok video about it. I have yet to decide on whether or not to take it down just yet. She also tried to hook me up with someone whom I later found out that he was an ex of hers from high school, which triggered a panic attack of what happened to me months ago that I made a post about prior to this one. Not only did these 2 things happened, another thing happened that had caused me to start to question our friendship the 2nd time around.

A few weeks ago, I told my parents that I was bi-sexual. Not only did my parents deny that I was, they also explained that it wasn’t something an Albanian person does and that it was an American thing. My parents are Kosovar Albanian who immigrated here through asylum so they aren’t used to seeing this happen to them so close to home. After a bit, my dad had said that if I were to ever tell them this information again, then he wouldn’t hesitate to put a rope around my neck and tie it tight around my neck. When I explained this to her, Jay said that she had loved me as more than a friend and when I mentioned that she was married, she said that she didn’t care and that she wanted me to know that she had some sort of a crush on me.

So now, not only did Jay bring up an old wound I didn’t know I still had, she tried to hook me up with an ex of hers as well as tell me she had feelings for me. As of July 30th, I finally told her that I thought her and I should go our separate ways as respectfully as I could but she didn’t take that lightly. As of the morning of August 2nd, she has officially been blocked on everything. From social media to my phone, she no longer has any way of contacting me. I feel sad that our friendship had died for the 2nd time in 7 years. I feel mad that the last conversation we had over text was her being over dramatic on her part as well as me thinking that she was possibly gaslighting me and guilt tripping me to take it all back. I’m also happy that I no longer have to deal with another wave of toxicity from her and I ended it as quickly as I possibly could.

In the end, I hope Jay understands that I don’t wish any harm towards her and I still care about her as a friend. I just need her to properly understand that the advice she has given me these past few years has really been very emotionally and mentally jarring. I also want her to understand the consequences of her words carefully before she tries to talk to me again.

#toxic frienship #toxic story time

5 notes · View notes

thegoddessofliterature · 4 years

Text

A pretty long spoiler-filled reveiw of ACOMAF

-posted this reveiw on my goodreads around June and decided to share it now on Tumblr.

Reread this gem and love it even more than the first time. Of course, reading a good book for the first time is always special and you don't know any of the plot twists and turns. Not knowing what is gonna happen in a story is my favorite thing about reading. Sarah blew me away with her captivating writing style and amazing world building that left wanting more .The is the first book that made me cry and I don't easily cry in books which just proves my love for this book. Rhysand stole my heart. I just love him so much. I know most of you probably didn't like him in the first book but once you read this one you will change your mind. You can thank me later.

Moving on, let's dive straight into spoilers, if you adored this book as much as me. Most just me gushing over our precious bat boi.

Sarah did a great job at fooling me. Just like Feyre, I was blind to the red flags that displayed the unhealthy and toxic relationship between Feylin. Upon my second read, I could clearly see all the signs and read between the lines and kept thinking "why didn't I realize this sooner?''

I really liked the lesson that the author taught us about unhealthy and healthy relationships. You usually don't see the latter in most NA or even YA. And I despise Tamlin. He is everything that I hate in a man,controlling,abusive and anti feminist. I was so pissed at him for lying to Feyre that Rhys killed his family. The tool himself, had murdered Rhys family and I will never forgive him for that

Me to Tamlin “ I hope that burn..”

I could write a whole essay on professing my love for Rhysand but even that wouldn't be enough for me.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. He is no 1 on my fictional boyfriends list. No other male character can compare to him.

Just like Feyre, I wasn't expecting him to be the good guy. And, just as she was unaware of falling for him,I was too. I didn't even realize how attached I grew to Rhys until I got a spoiler that he was going to die. I legit got an ache in my heart and felt like crying. That's the beauty of books when a character feels real even they sadly aren't. Thankfully, he survived and if he didn't then I wouldn't have been able to forgive Sarah/

Why do I adore the Highlord of the Night Court?

He is so precious and a major feminist. He is humble and strong ( even when he has been through so much). My heart breaks for him. His story is too emotional for me to read without crying (on my second time reading). Not only did he lose his parents but his sister too. We never got to know how old she was but she was young. We never got to see his mother and baby sister. That makes my heart shatter in a million pieces but as if that wasn't enough, He didn't see his friends for 50 years. He was trapped under the mountain for so long and raped by that bitch and he endured it just to protect his city and family (the inner circle). As if he didn't have enough on his plate, he watched Feyre be taken away from him twice. He watched the girl he loved be in love with another man (his enemy who had killed his parents and sister) and yet he let her be happy (even if she was mate). After all of this torture and pain, he is still so kind and sweet and caring. He still think he isn't enough even though he sacrificed so much. He would rather put himself in torture than let something happen to Feyre or the Inner Circle.

And what I love most about him, is the freedom he gave Feyre. He isn't controlling like most men. He trusts Feyre and believes she can fight for herself but he will be there to protect if she needed him. Of course he cares for but isn't overprotective. Their relationship is so pure and healthy and I love it. I love how humble he is. Being the most Powerful HighLord of all the seven courts, you would expect him to be a rich snob but he is far from that.

I loved how much Feyre grew from that naive girl to a strong and badass woman. I could barely recognize her while rereading Acotar. It felt as there were two seperate girls in the two books. This is one of the best character development I have ever seen. My heart broke for what she went through. I could relate to her about some stuff minus the under the mountain scene (ofc). And I was so happy when she survived her depression and ptsd all because of Rhysand.

And I got so attached to whole inner circle, as if they were my family too. And I love Mor more than Amren because I could relate to her too besides the fact how sweet and strong she was

The whole book was a pure joy to read but my favorite parts were Starfall, The Summer Court and Court of Nightmares.

Starfall: It was such a beautiful celebration. Unlike, the ones in the spring court despite its pretty name. I loved the idea of stars falling down from the sky. Everyone was at their happiest. It was also sad to read knowing this was the first Starfall Rhys had after Amrantha. The fact that she knew how much it meant to him and yet she made him service her without his consent and on purpose. My hatred is like a burning sun. Moving on, I squealed at the moment when Mor and Feyre were talking and then Rhys came up behind them. My heart burst of joy when Feyre heard his voice and turned around. He took her to the balcony for her to experience Starfall at its prettiest. They had their cute moments and it was the moment when they were falling in love but didn't admit it yet to each other. Rhys hadn't laughed like that in ages, pure and a real laugh like Feyre hadn't smiled filled with pure joy ever since she was turned into a fae.

Summer Court: I loved Tarquin too. And I enjoyed the feysand moments at the court. Their constant back and forth banter and flirting. That's where the famous quote " To all the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered came from.

Court of Nightmares: This scene was so sexy and made my cheeks turn a deep shade of red. I loved how Rhys gave Feyre a choice whether she wanted to join him and the play the part or stay at home. It was her own choice that made her say " I wanna do it" and yet Rhys still felt guilty. Even when it wasn't like he forced or anything. He would never do that. I enjoyed them teasing each other. I was captivated by Rhys beauty. I love the real Rhys but I lust for the "evil" Rhys, the mask that he wears to protect his loved ones.

And that ending, I wasn't expecting that. I feel bad for those who had to wait a year or more for the next book esp after that gripping yet lovely cliffhanger. I didn't had to since the whole serious was already out. It was emotional even when Feyre was pretending to be in Rhys control. They work well so together. Rhys understood her plan through that bond and he acted so well. ( he actually deserves an oscar for his great acting of a bad guy). Tears rolled down my cheeks when the bond snapped and Feyre fell down to her knees, screaming in pain. Even Rhys. Sara tricked us but I was so grateful for that. That chapter in Rhys pov (the only chapter) was so precious. I was shook when he declared that Feyre is his Highlady and equal and the bond was never broken. It was just the bargain. And I loved how cunning Feyre. She is so smart and badass. Pretending to be in love with Tamlin (her ex), only to take him down along with his court.

This book brings me pure joy and reading it for the second time gave me a different perspective. I noticed things I didn't before. This time, I knew about Rhy's backstory so it was more emotional than the first time. And I didn't think of this sooner but I have a theory that Jurain knew all along that Rhys wasn't Amrantha's whore but was raped by her (sobs and gets angry). Esp, when he mentioned that he was forced to watch everything that bitch did due to the ring she made out of his eye. And he was the only one who was shocked when Feyre was pretending to hate Rhys. He knew since he screamed "What?'' when she told the king to break the bond.

Damn, this is the longest review I have ever written. No regrets though.

If you have read this far, be sure to follow my goodreads for more reviews. Link in my bio.

9 notes · View notes

wehatepaparazzi · 4 years

Photo

Nina Dobrev.

Let’s just give it up one time for the girl that carried her show on her back. How many different characters did she play? She deserves a round of applause and a martini as she is quite the partier…

So let’s jump in and go back to the early years. During TVD years, after her and Ian had separated – someone that worked on the sets of TVD for a few seasons reported that Ian was a major asshole and was incredibly petty towards Nina. He created a really toxic environment on set, rolling his eyes during any scene they had together and would go stiff if they had to interact. Nina couldn’t wait to get out of there.

Ian cheats on Nina numerous times with Julianne Hough. He then gets drunk and confesses to Nina which caused their breakup. Julianne and Nina partied a lot together, and apparently had gotten over it because in Sept 2013, Nina started sleeping with Julianne’s brother, Derek. Also, a shit bag. Come Oct they were at a party together, Derek was wasted and started screaming at Nina because she didn’t kiss him right? He proceeded to kiss several women, oddly, Nina didn’t seem to mind. The relationship only lasted until Oct, blogs said it was because of schedules and time difference, but I’m pretty sure its because Nina realized Derek and his sister are scum sucking rodents. A short funny story: in May 2014, Derek hooked up with Nikki. She might as well just date Nina at this point.

ENTER Orlando Bloom.

Nina dated Orlando at the same time he was fighting with Justin Bieber and also sleeping with the ex wife of the guy Orlando’s ex wife (Miranda Kerr) cheated on Orlando with. All of this is what Nina dealt with. Nina and Orlando take a break, he somehow convinces her to give him another chance, they get a dog together, and like two weeks later Orlando cheats again, randomly dumps her and just leaves her.

In Oct 2014, Nina and Julianne ran into each other at an event which ended with Nina calling Julianne “evil” followed by a long list of not so family-friendly adjectives in front of it. But then by Jan 2015, Nina was either hooking up with Derek again or he wanted to, because she was again seen with Julianne. Y i k e s.

Somewhere in there, Ian gets with Nikki… who only went after Ian because she wanted a boyfriend that would make her famous again. July 2014, at an event Nikki and Nina started screaming at each other pointing fingers and Nikki was talking all kinds of bullshit, which was mostly false and came from a bitter Ian. I hate when women look stupid over men, more than once. Ian married Nikki in April 2015, yet still texted Nina telling her how unhappy he is and he misses her, apparently Nina was uninterested, however in May 2015, Ian and Nina got together to hash out things left unsaid and ended up having some ex sex, going about the rest of their day like how it used to be. When Nina announced she’d be making a return to TVD, Nikki was not happy and would show up on set all the time to cause tension, eventually being booted off the set.

As TVD was coming to an end, Nina wanted to make sure she wasn’t left in the dust “like the rest of the CW cast” so she found herself another way to make ends meet. The girl has zero issues with escorting. She began yachting. (If you’re unfamiliar – google is your friend.) Although, officially she was in Cannes (for those of us that wondered how the hell Nina Dobrev made it to Cannes Film Festival) for her partnership with Dior, but she was definitely doing other “business” as well. It’s so well known (among her Hollywood peoples) that two other TVDU Cast came to her, for “advice.” Yes, Phoebe Tonkin who wasn’t getting paid well, very little to be completely honest – followed right behind Nina and started yachting with a complete billionaire. (After Paul, of course.) I believe it was around June 2019, you see a noticeably good amount of photos with Nina and “friends” on expensive yachts and helicopters with no tagged sponsors. Welcome to the Rich life of yachting.

Nina had a role in Flatliners, and had a backup plan incase the movie flopped. Her plan: Dubai. She ran into Lindsay Lohan and about 7 months later it was reported that during this trip – Lilo was actually terrible to Nina because she thought Nina was after her man. She wasn’t, but yikes.

Dec 2019, Film Producer Mohammad Al Turki who recruits several actors/actresses. Apparently he finds some damaging information they don’t want revealed and then uses it against them to do more things they also don’t want revealed. Going from Zac Efron to Michelle Rodriguez to Kristen Stewart who he would have his guests view, grope and ogle over and Nina actually fell into this mess becoming another one of his objects. Hollywood is sick yall, I’m telling you.

Nina used to be an extremely heavy smoker (I love her voice) but I believe in 2019, she kicked that habit as well as her eating disorder. She’s looking a lot more healthier, thicker. Just better all around. Now if only she can find some actual friends and a man that will treat her right. We’re rooting for you girl, We’re all rooting for you.

https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2013/05/cannes-escorts

#nina dobrev

11 notes · View notes

sneksue · 3 years

Text

Official Post About Lifestyle Changes

The date is January 28, 2021.

I have not had chickens for a while. It will be 2 years in August. I have been meaning to write something here about all of it, but I either have not had time, or the willpower to go through with it. I was in grieving.

In June of 2019, I took a trip from my shared homestead in Mississippi to Colorado to do some long distance hiking. I left all of my animals in the care of my ex husband’s mother and her then boyfriend.

I trusted them to at least do the bare minimum in my animal’s basic care.

That didn’t happen. They failed night after night to close and lock the coop’s door. They wouldn’t change their water during the day and they did not collect eggs.

When I had service on my phone during the hike, I checked in with them to find out that because they had not closed or locked the coop door at night, several birds were “missing”, with more missing every day.

Instead of simply closing the door and providing a safe space for my dear, darling animals to sleep at night, they decided to buy a game camera to see what was happening to them at night.

Their reasoning had absolutely zero logic, and I was pretty pissed.

They found that raccoons were simply just waltzing into the coops and grabbing birds. The raccoons would drag them away into the woods and feast.

By the time our trip was almost over, all of my ducks were gone. There were only a few chickens left, and the guinea fowl were all intact due to roosting 50ft up in oak trees. My cat was also “missing”.

I was heartbroken, devastated. I had spent so much money, time, energy, and love to build this flock. I wanted to provide my “family” and myself with sustainable, renewable food in case of a natural disaster. No one seemed to value my efforts, or even care to see what my end goal was.

On top of grieving for the loss of my feathered babies, my then husband’s younger brother decided to GO OFF on me during our drive back to Mississippi. He claimed I was selfish, psychotic, uncaring, and manipulative. He screamed at me while we were all stuck in the car. He called me a bitch, he called me a liar, he called me a leech. I was stunned in silence. I had been struggling with my mental health for years, and had contemplated suicide more times than I could count. So, it is no surprise that while we were driving 70mph on the interstate, I seriously contemplated opening the car door and leaping out into traffic.

I turned to my husband, my partner, the love of my life, my support system, to back me up. Defend me. Tell his brother that he was wrong. My husband did nothing of the sort. He remained silent as the verbal barrage from his brother continued.

Everything clicked for me then. My mother in law was a complete nutcase, she blamed me for all of my husband’s shortcomings. She viewed me as a failure for not being the perfect housewife. She only saw me as a burden on her son’s happiness. My husband maintained an emotional distance from me for several years. He refused to be intimate towards me. He never showed an interest in me, my thoughts, my feelings. He never stood up for me or was proud to show me off. He never commended my strengths and triumphs, he only pointed out what he viewed were my failures. My brother in law was more of a nutcase than his mother, physically abusing his dog and neglecting his cat, leeching off of his mother and getting handouts at every possible opportunity, spending his days smoking hundreds of dollars of marijuana, drinking booze, playing videogames.

I had no social life, I wasn’t allowed to have a social life.

I had no friends I could hang out with, all of my friends were online.

No matter how much I did for these people and how much I excelled at everything I did, nothing was ever enough. I was never enough.

No wonder I struggled with mental health, eh?

I came to this realization instantaneously, and demanded to be dropped off at my dad’s house in Westminster, CO.

I had none of my personal belongings besides my hiking and camping stuff. I didn’t care, I just had to get away from these toxic monsters.

My husband and I loosely decided that this would be a “break” for our relationship, and that he would go back to MS to work and save up to move here with me. I agreed and I began working and saving up myself.

We both knew he was never going to come here. We were never going to be together again.

We remained in close contact for a few months after the separation. But the contact and our conversations became fewer and less substantial.

One night, as I was walking home from work, I called and told him that I thought we should break up. He admitted to me that he had removed his wedding ring over three weeks prior. I was understandably hurt by that, but I did understand.

He also informed me that all of the birds were gone or dead except for a couple roosters.

I was more devastated by the loss of my birds than the loss of my marriage. If that doesn’t tell you enough, I don’t know what does!!

My cat never returned.

I asked him if we could keep in contact, and he told me he did not want to talk to me or hear from me for several years. I was once again hurt by this, but with his own mental health issues, I again, understood. He did say he can see us being friends in the future, but now that its been some time, I don’t want to be friends with him. I want the best for him, but I can’t bring myself to expose my mentality to his toxicity and negativity.

I asked again and again, over a period of months, for him to return my belongings. He kept putting it off. I told him I was going to drive down there myself and gather everything i could and dispose of the rest.

He agreed, initially, then banned me from coming only after I requested the time off from work and had friends to accompany me on the journey, He promised he’d send all my stuff in several shipments after he sold my car. I told him he could keep the profit from the sale of my car and use it to send me my stuff.

He ended up sending me ONE box of my stuff. And most of it wasn’t even mine. I was appalled and disgusted that he’d be so careless and inconsiderate.

I sent him messages and requested SPECIFIC items after I received the first box. I got no reply, and no more packages to this day have been sent.

He and his family stole my property, killed my pets, and broke my heart.

Thieves, liars, and extremists, the lot of them.

I grieve daily for the loss of my animals and the torture I was put through for nearly 6 years.

All of that out of the way, let me move on to tell you what this blog will now feature.

I have obviously had a change in lifestyle. I no longer live on homesteading land, I live in a roomy two bedroom apartment with my AMAZING fiance.

My love of chickens, I discovered, was a love for reptiles in general. Cuz birds are reptiles and all that jazz.

When I met my fiance, I was already blown away by his attitude, confidence, and view on life right off the bat! He inspired me, made me want to be better to myself.

Meeting him felt weird, at first. It felt weird because I was waiting for this amazing person to... have a catch. There’s gotta be a red flag somewhere. And if there isn’t... he is probably a psychopath who will eventually turn on me and kill me. No one is that... good.

So I thought to myself, “Welp, gotta find out. I’ll go to his house!”

He had a couple little snakes in his room which I demanded to play with. He happily got them out and I was like “THAT’S the catch? Nah, this just convinces me this guy is... my kind of guy.”

I’ve had a love of snakes since early childhood. Not an interest of passion, but I truly loved interacting with and watching them. I’ve never had an innate fear of any insect, (exclude honeybee, because I didn’t know better at 6 years old), or animal. I love them all and everything they do to contribute. All they experience.

I used to catch wild garter snakes and rat snakes in nets, pet them, show them to my mother occasionally to freak her out, and release them. Then watch them.

There were a mating pair of Oteekee Corn Snakes in my HS yard. Every summer we’d see them, out and about hunting, hiding, climbing... growing. They were bright red and jet black with specks of yellow. I could tell these guys were pretty smart and maybe there was more to snakes than I really thought about ever.

So, being sold on this amazing guy, we up and moved in together. Nice. My paycheck kept going up and up. I was saving a ton. I wanted a car and an apartment as soon as possible.

I got bonus after bonus for working hard at my job and everyone hitting labor targets.

We got a place. Nice.

Both got steady jobs. Nice.

There’s uh, a lot of room in this new place. Nice.

Hey it’s my birthday and I can get myself a snake. I have more than enough for supplies and the animal itself.

I browsed on morphmarket for what felt like ages....

I had no idea that there were.... so many complicated genetics with ball pythons. I was highly interested, because if you know me, you know I’m interested in genetics and selective breeding.

I found there were THOUSANDS of genetic combinations, each with unique names. It was like alien code. The animals were beautiful but I had no idea what I was really looking at.

One night while going to our local reptile store to get feeder rats, I was looking around at all the glass window babies, as I usually do.

I made my way around the scorpions, tarantulas, cave scorpions, frogs, lizards, the store’s companion burmese python, and my eyes landed on a little... adorable puppy-eyed baby ball python. The signage stated that it was a Puma. Seemed simple enough. Easy name to remember. I looked into the glass at the lil noodle, and talked all baby talk and shit. The sweet little thing came right up to scope at me, then yawned.

I called an employee over and said I’d like to handle this animal right here. The employee obliged and I fell in love. Sexed as male. Easy buy.

I cried on the way home, It was amazing. I have one picture on here of him a few days after I got him. His name is Mallow, and he is bigger now, but still just as sweet.

So yeah. It went from there. Now, including the boa and ball python that are my fiance’s, and Mallow, we have added 3 more to our family. We are done now, as these animals may live a loooooong time. And they require space and attention just like any other pet. They’re not expensive, and they’re low maintenance care is nearly brainless if you set it up right. They’re statistically and actually safer than dogs or cats, and are absolutely therapeutic and entertaining.

This blog will from this day forward be dedicated to snake content, reptile content, and a lot more fun, actually good pictures. I will also share genetic related stuff I find relevant.

Not having a shitty phone camera is pretty great, tbh.

TLDR: No more homestead. Ex is evil (yeah yeah), New place new animal new me. SNAKES! SNAKES!!!! SNAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKEEEEESSSSS!

I know this post is just for me but whatever, if I make myself laugh. Cool. G’night.

#blog change #lifestyle change #reptile #personal #judge #don't read me #please don't read this #like its awful #seriously #my past #my present #i am good #all is well #i'm growing #chickens to reptiles #homestead to apartment

1 note · View note

imuybemovoko · 4 years

Text

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything.

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.)

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later.

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open.

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.”

There was no answer.

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute.

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was...

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes.

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited.

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points.

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places.

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed.

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

#ex christian #spirituality #politics

5 notes · View notes

mgkconfessions · 4 years

Text

Girls, Girls, Girls - Who is who?

This is an overview of the most talked about girls on this blog, who are or were in Kells’ life one way or another. (It isn’t finished yet and I’ll update it whenever I can, next girl will be Sahara.)

(in alphabetical order)

Chantel Jeffries

Nicknames used on this blog: Schantelle, C.

Instagram: chanteljeffries

Twitter: ChantelJeffries

Youtube: Chantel Jeffries

Profession: DJ, Instagram model, Youtuber (although she only posts if her video is sponsored these days)

Relationship to Kells: Probably dated from the beginning of July 2019 towards the end of October 2019.

Summary: I don’t recall the exact date when he followed Chantel or if she was already following him on Instagram, but publicly it all started when she attended his concert at The Wiltern in L.A. on June 30th 2019. Shortly after, both were seen at the Peppermint Club in L.A. to watch Dave Chapelle, where they were being filmed and photographed by paparazzi and afterwards had dinner at the Nice Guy. On July 4th Kells announced that he smashed Chantel and did the walk of shame, the same day they were at the 6th Annual 'Red, White & Bootsy' 4th July party in Malibu, where Chantel was djing and Kells performed as well. However he did the walk of shame actually multiple times according to an anon. Despite many fans complaining about her not being supportive, she did at least post about ‘Hotel Diablo’ on it’s release day. In the beginning there were many paparazzi pictures and videos taken of them (I let you guess who called them) for example when they were having lunch with Chantel’s friends or dinner and one time they even met up in New York, where he did some interviews for his new album ‘Hotel Diablo’ at the end of July. Chantel’s favourite paparazzo even got to asked both Chantel and Kells about their dating life, but neither of them really admitted to anything yet. He also caught them talking to fans or picking up clothes, although not for Jake Paul’s wedding as the title suggests. Jake Paul actually doesn’t like Chantel much and completely exposed her once (around 12:50). Anyway Kells also drove Chantel and her friends to Comic Con in San Diego, where he posted Chantel’s feet on his steering wheel and lap, while he was driving the car. Apparently Chantel didn’t see anything wrong with that and a week later she even joked around with Kells about him driving without a license. So for a month they spend a lot of time together, but since August he was touring again and went to Japan and Europe, so it seemed like they only saw each other a couple of times for example in London, where Kells took a flight earlier than his band mates, while Chantel was again with two friends there. Allegedly when he was in London with her, they started following each other, after many fans were speculating why they weren’t following each other already, however he allegedly removed some of his likes on more sexual posts, some thought that she might have told him to do it. Twitter was in general a medium for Chantel to subtweet about Kells all the time and having extreme changes in her mood. Especially since September their relationship seemed to go downhill. She tweeted song lyrics about lovers becoming strangers and missing someone, but also starting to forget about him. But around the middle of September, they seemed to be fine again, because Chantel posted a picture of two lovers in a bad on her Instagram story, which she captioned with ‘us’. By the way she previously posted another picture, where the couple resembled her and Kells back in July. However they seemed to have had a fight, maybe even took a break or called it quits, only a couple of days later. Chantel posted about the perfect song for an afternoon cry, while Kells told everyone that he’ll date himself. Two days later he was still in a bad mood. Nevertheless around a week later, they were still or back together and Chantel made their relationship public by posting a paparazzi picture of them in Kells’ car and calling him her baby. Kells took his time until he reposted the picture on his Instagram story as well only to delete it briefly after and then posted it again hours later. He seemed a bit unsure of this whole thing. And I honestly believe that Chantel didn’t post it, because they were so in love, but because it was the last thing she felt she could do to try to keep their relationship going. For her birthday Kells commented nothing special under her birthday picture, but her sister reminded us all that Chantel was still in his life by congratulating her with a picture of Chantel next to Kells’ yellow car. Around that time he fully stopped occasionally liking and commenting on her Instagram pictures and their relationship seemed quite done and over based on the cryptic tweets Chantel wrote in October about him. There was for example her very insensitive tweet about Kells choosing to be sad, which she was called out for by other fans, because it was obvious that she was talking about him or her liking tweets about being ignored. Shortly after that she claimed to have an existential crisis, I assume because of Kells, while he opened up about feeling hurt all the time, but blamed himself for it. The next day he unfollowed Chantel, so it seemed like they broke up for good and the same day he lost control on stage and explained that personal frustration was the reason for it, but that he wanted to get help after the tour ended. Chantel stayed quiet about it, but after a video appeared in which a guy was touching a girl’s ass and then showing the middle finger, while the girl and her friend were dancing on the Tour bus and Chantel and her sister were the only ones tagged on the post, she unfollowed him as well on October 29th. But that wasn’t the end yet, because now she had some things to say in her typical cryptic tweeting style. A day after she unfollowed him, she started with saying that hurt people hurt people, which was a tweet that Kells liked, continued with that she has questions and I assume that Kells made her feel something again. However Kells kept being petty towards her as well with Sahara (see below) and after that ended, him and Chantel refollowed each other on Instagram again and ended up partying together into the new Year 2020, but Chantel seemed to have moved on with Diplo for now, while Kells is in love with the music.

In my opinion these two didn’t fit at all and I talked in more detail about it here, but from the beginning it was clear that they wouldn’t work out, because Kells usually preferred his privacy while Chantel seemed to be someone, who needed and enjoyed the media attention and had no problem with publicizing her relationships. Also Kells was and still is struggling with his own demons and Chantel seemed to lack empathy and understanding for it, accusing him more than understanding that he isn’t in the right mindset for a relationship. I don’t know if this relationship was supposed to be exclusive, because Kells hooked up and wanted to hook up with other girls on tour, but he said before that girls know what they’re getting into, when they’re dating him and Chantel’s own friends literally joked about how Chantel’s bad habit is that she doesn’t know that she has a boyfriend (around 08:04), which was Kells and I also doubt that Chantel was completely focused on him either, although it might have looked like it. She’s a calculated person and knows how to climb up the social ladder and how to play people and present herself in the public eye. I’m sure she always has an eye on other celebrities, from whose relationship she could benefit.

Eden

Instagram: e.d.en

Profession: assistant

Relationship to Kells: She was first seen working as his assistant during the European leg of his Hotel Diablo Tour and the Justin Bieber Big Tour with Young Thug both in 2019.

Hedi Gores:

Instagram: hevin_gg (private)

Profession: co-founder of “Pressed Juicery”

Relationship to Kells: casual dating that turned into an open long-term toxic relationship from probably around the end of 2015 till the beginning of 2018

Summary: They met through their mutual friend Taav Cooperman. At first it was only casual between them until they realized that it was time to stop fucking around. They dated till around his birthday in 2016 and were on and off till 2018. Although Hedi has been described by various people as a toxic person and she went back and forth between Kells and her ex(-es), she seemed to be one of the few woman, he caught feelings for and was also one of the few, who he posted about on his Instagram page. He also knew family members of her, who liked him as well. But apart from that they kept their relationship low-key and most pictures of them were posted by friends. She was also the one, who got him more into fashion and I believe even had some connections for him. It is believed that his songs ‘Let you go’ and ‘The Break Up’ are about her. I don’t know if they’re still in contact, because they run in the same Hollywood circles, but I hope that she will never be a part of his life again, because she seemed to only want to play with him and keep him as her plan B, when she can’t date someone else.

In my opinion she never really loved him, because you wouldn’t play with someone you love and respect. However I think that Kells was in love with her, because she’s actually a mum, who takes care of her son and Kells never really had a mother, so he probably saw her as a caring and nurturing woman. She also fits to his preference of an independent woman, since she runs her own business and was fine with him sleeping with other girls.

Josie Canseco:

Instagram: josiecanseco

Twitter: JosieCanseco

Profession: model

Relationship to Kells: I believed that they were dating, others thought that they weren’t, but after writing this, I changed my mind. It looks like she wanted them to become something serious, while he preferred to keep it a casual fling from around January till the beginning of April 2019.

Summary: Publicly it all started after she commented a black heart under a picture of him around January 14th 2019, which isn’t on his Instagram page anymore. However you can still see the picture on the photographers Instagram page (melimelzone). The only pictures of her and Kells were taken on January 28th, where she went to Sundance Film Festival as well, I assume as his plus one, where they showed Big Time Adolescence. And on February 1st both of them attended Pete’s comedy show in L.A. After that they weren’t publicly seen together anymore, but she was busy on social media liking pictures of him on his fan pages and posting about him and the guys on her Instagram story, while Kells was very likely hooking up with Paris Hilton and partying with Katie (see below). At a mutual friend’s birthday dinner, that happened in the beginning of April, they were already not sitting next to each other anymore (Josie was wearing the grey cap and white shirt) and like 2 weeks later she unfollowed him finally. But that isn’t really a surprise, considering that she unfollowed and refollowed him so often during this short time to the point where fans couldn’t take it seriously anymore. She also wrote many cryptic tweets about him and allegedly deleted tweets prior to being with Kells, in which she was siding with Eminem and agreeing to everything he said about Kells during their beef. She’s also known for posting Eminem songs whenever she’s unhappy with Kells (till this day) and allegedly talked shit about him before, during and after their fling. I guess because he attacked Eminem and then she was unhappy, that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. However they seem to be on friendly terms now. Recently she even tried to flirt with him on Twitter again, but he still didn’t seem interested in her like that.

In my opinion Josie is probably too childish for Kells and brings too much stress. Kells is actually a chill guy and Josie seems like things need to go her way or she would throw a tantrum. She also has no problem with pda and publicly living her relationships, although I don’t think that’s so surprising, since she was part of reality tv shows before.

Katie Knobbe:

Instagram: katieknobbe

Twitter: KatieeKnobbe

Profession: wardrobe stylist

Relationship to Kells: I don’t know if she has styled him before, because of her job, but they seem to be in a friends with benefits situation, although some of us believe, that Katie caught some feelings for him. They probably know each other since 2018.

Summary: tbc

Nicky Mir:

Instagram: nicky.mir

Twitter: NickyMirXX

Profession: assistant

Relationship to Kells: Fans seem unsure of how long she has worked as Kells’ assistant and if she’s still working for him, but it has been at least a couple of years. She is also a huge fan and part of EST.

Sahara Ray:

Nicknames used on this blog: PG (Personal Groupie)

Instagram: sahara_ray

Twitter: Sahara_Ray_

Profession: Instagram model, owns her own swimwear line “Sahara Ray Swim”

Relationship to Kells: Very likely just an extended hook up, who joined him for a short period of time while on his tour with Young Thug in November 2019, although she acted like they were a proper couple throughout the whole time.

Summary: tbc

#girls girls girls #mgk #mgkconfessions

42 notes · View notes

madeleinesfm-blog · 4 years

Text

* 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 ! i’m super excited to be here ( and actually coming back , but i decided to change my alias because i’m a certified child ) , but if you’ve been here since opening , then you once probably knew me as kris . i prefer she / her or they / them pronouns , i’m 21+ , and reside in the est timezone . nonetheless , i missed six and i decided to come back , but this time with my woman crush everyday , madeleine kim . she’s a spoiled brat and quite literally an asshole , so please bear with me for this lengthy intro !

( rosé . cis female . she / her . twenty four ) omg ! i was walking yonge street downtown , and you’ll never guess who i saw . madeleine kim ! i just saw a post about them on sixsecrets ! i think it said something like ‘ madeleine kim gets in a twitter war with anti - fan , and we’re living for her clapbacks ! ’ . isn’t that wild ? i guess it makes sense though , since they’re apparently contemptuous and loathsome , but i’ve heard they’re also unadulterated and companionable . i mean , it’s not like i know them personally — they’re a famous heiress and youtuber ! you know , i’ve actually heard rumors that redacted , but they’re just rumors ... i think . if you happen to run into them , tell them i’m their biggest fan !

i. statistics .

NAME : madeleine kim .

NICKNAMES : mads + maddy .

AGE + DATE OF BIRTH : 24 + june 19th , 1996 .

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN : gemini , gemini sun + cancer moon .

MYERS - BRIGGS PERSONALITY TYPE : estp .

MORAL ALIGNMENT : neutral evil .

ENNEAGRAM TYPE : the observer .

GENDER + PRONOUNS : cis female + she / her / hers .

PLACE OF BIRTH : ascot , queensland , australia .

PLACE OF RESIDENCE : toronto , ontario , canada + click .

SEXUAL ORIENTATION : bisexual .

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : biromantic .

OCCUPATION : social media influencer , heiress + model .

NATIONALITY : australian .

ETHNICITY : korean .

PINTEREST : click .

ii. biography .

madeleine kim was born to tae - min and min - ji kim during the summer of 1996 in sydney , aus . tae - min had already been growing a fortune as he was one of the top real estate agents within the city of ascot . min - ji was a woman who wanted everything handed to her , and thus , when madeleine was two her parents had gotten a divorce . her mother went off to marry another man , and she hasn’t seen her since she walked out with her louis vuitton suitcases .

for the next five years , tae - min put romance on the back burner as he continued to build his real estate empire . eventually , he left the agency he was working with to open his own , and the agency was an instant success due to previous clients continuously sending their referrals to him . the agency slowly began to incorporate custom builds into their system , adding on to the empire .

for little madeleine , she was the apple of her father’s eye . he was continuously spoiling her and getting her whatever she wanted . if she wanted a princess themed birthday , then she was getting a custom made dress and a little tiara to match . there was never a day where she didn’t get everything that she asked for , and she especially would always clasp her hands together every night and ask to not have a new mommy .

sadly , this was the one time where madeleine didn’t get what she asked for as she was soon introduced to her step - mother , bo - ra jeong , when she was thirteen years old . bo - ra was a nasty woman , a woman who didn’t want children , and believed that children should neither be seen or heard . although madeleine didn’t know her biological mother , she definitely took after her in terms of personality as she continuously bumped heads with her step - mother . there was never a moment where the two weren’t at each other’s throats , and madeleine was especially upset with her father for never taking her side .

thus , madeleine became an angry girl who took all of her frustrations out elsewhere . during her high school years is when madeleine made her youtube channel . originally , it could have been seen as a place where she ranted out her frustrations about her step - mother , but she primarily liked the aspect of doing something creative . for the first year , she transitioned out of ranting lol and into doing things she actually enjoyed . she often talked about clothing , hair , and makeup , but the subscriber count was very slow .

during that time , madeleine was faking being ‘ relatable ’ as it was the most popular way to grow a channel , so she often hid the designer labels in her bedroom and filmed in one of the smaller rooms in their home . thanks to this , her subscriber count began to slow , and she slowly changed back to her actual personality where she began to show off the things she or her father purchased for her .

it was in 2014 when madeleine graduated from high school , and her step - mother pushed for her to move out . madeleine was annoyed by this , but with her channel growing , she knew that she was able to do so . not only that , but she now had access to the money that her father had been saving for years , so madeleine left and decided to make toronto her new home .

as an eighteen year old moving to a new country , madeleine decided that she would document the journey through a series on her channel , which aided in the boost in her follower count . she showed the process of finding an apartment , purchasing furniture and moving in , which led to a lot of chaotic vlogs and people really enjoyed seeing her personality shine through .

madeleine has now been living in toronto for the last six years , and has been gaining subscribers slowly but surely . although she does weekly vlogs , she still does sit down videos for makeup , fashion , and hair .

iii. social media statistics .

YOUTUBE : 23.5m subscribers .

INSTAGRAM : 21m followers .

TWITTER : 9.8m followers .

TIKTOK : 3.2m followers .

iv. temperament .

she’s a bitch and that’s that on that OUYHUYOIU . she’s very blunt and doesn’t find a reason to hold her tongue because how the hell else is she supposed to get what she wants . of course , she’s really easy to get along with but it’s also equally as easy to get on her bad side , so she can turn into an asshole real quick .

madeleine has a HUGE superiority complex , and it’s so ugly ! she doesn’t outright brag because she’s really not that bad , but it’s not unheard of her to make little subtle remarks in reference to the amount of money her family has . to put it simply , madeleine is the mean friend .

she’s a person who likes to challenge almost everything , so she has a habit of coming off as someone who creates chaos just for the sake of it . she’s definitely not a stone cold bitch by any means , but depending on certain situations she can sometimes lack sympathy / compassion and will straight up tell someone to ‘ get over it ’ . she might not be the one to start arguments , but she will finish them .

v. headcanons .

she is never without her vlogging camera ! she always has extra batteries in her purse just in case , so she’s ready to whip out her camera whenever the moment calls for one .

madeleine is a pot stirrer and she wears that badge with pride . do NOT tell her a secret because she is not one to be trusted with such information . she will spill the beans , tote the news to her friends ( especially if she doesn’t like you ) , and be hella shady . she will literally spill your tea and own the fact that she did .

her hair is canon to rosé’s as she was a strawberry blonde for a very long time before dying it with a silver tone with blue highlights . has a habit of always touching her hair and forever has a scrunchie in her bag because she can’t live without them .

the spare bedroom of her apartment is reserved for filming , so she set up ‘ stations ’ where one side is made for doing makeup videos , another is used for fashion / standing videos , and the back wall is where she films sit down videos . she mostly loves making vlogs , though , and she does weekly videos .

madeleine is calm chaos , which is the best way to explain her . she doesn’t hold her tongue ( per her headline ) , and she doesn’t really hold her tongue either . very much has twitter fingers but she backs it up .

vi. wanted connections .

my favorite part aka plots ! i find rich kids rps having room for plenty of stuff , so if none of this works or if there’s something else you want to do , please let me know ! all of these plots are open to female , male , and non - binary pals , so if something interests you as well please yell at me about it because i love yelling about plots NJFBHDBSJHDS .

give me an ex - girlfriend or give me death ! i’m thinking about something that was cute and soft , someone who appeared in her vlogs a lot and someone who her subscribers absolutely adored ! i’m thinking that they broke up on relatively mutual / good terms , so they’ve become good friends since their break up !

due to her personality , i wouldn’t be surprised if madeleine found herself in a toxic relationship . lots of back and forth , lots of arguments that ended in them quite literally kissing and making up , but give me something i’ll dream about KNFDBSIFDS .

i don’t really have a label for this one , but something that was highly disapproved by their friends / inner circle ? this would require a little more plotting just to get dynamics down , but i’m just picturing something where when they made it official their friends were like ‘ why would you date them ? ’ so there was probably a lot of moments where they felt like it was them against the world but i think it could be an interesting dynamic to write !

the way that madeleine has enemies is sickening ! i’m looking for something where they genuinely hate one another and there’s no chance of them EVER becoming friends . i have no clue as to why they wouldn’t be friends , but i want is please .

some collaborators ! people who show up on her igtv reels every so often or even in her youtube videos ( in videos like ‘ what my friend wears to fashion week ’ or even general vlogs ) , and they go on little adventures with one another ! i just think it could be something cute and fun !

#sixhqintro #the way that this took me HOURS to write ... i am ashamed #but it's 3am so i'll be on to plot tmrw after a teams meeting :/

3 notes · View notes