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sunshineandmadnessthroughout · 5 years

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I love you but if i could do it all over I'd probably omit the part where I text you and we start talking. Even if we did, I'd stop myself every once in a while to wriggle back out of love.

Look, what I feel for you is something I cannot contemplate. I don't know what love is but surely not this constant pain which is physically impossible to exist. I wanna get out of this bottomless pit of self deprecation by stopping to feel anything about you. Then again, I wonder, how does one just stop feeling for another person one day. How is it even possible? One simply cannot stop making a person their centre of existence in a moment and go by in life, can they?

I don't want to believe I am in love with you no matter what my friends say for I don't want to tell people my first love was a guy who played me over and over and I being too naiive, never gave up on him. I don't that to be my story. I don't want to be that girl.

I'm no dreamer but I really want to believe love doesn't feel like being pooped on by a bird because that how you make me feel, crappy and embarrassed. I like to think I'm better that that. I like to think I deserve better.

Lookin back, I really try to convince myself how you were never a jerk and it was my fault to have over thought the whole situation. How ridiculous is that? No! You were an absolute jerk. You were a manipulative son of a bitch. You made me believe so many things which you never even fucking meant. How blunt had I been to oversee that?

I had really thought you were better but no, you were all the very same, evidently, even worse. Hilarious how I never noticed so before.

Sometimes when I get this instant urge to fuck it all and text you, it takes everything to not to. This is a giant spiral and it might take a hell lot of time to get out of it and I don't wanna go deeper. I really really don't.

But one cannot really stop caring overnight. Believe me, I'm trying. Plus, you being the great jerk you are makes it easier.

There still is a tiny part in me that desperately wants to believe that you are not evil and it's still my fault that I'm expecting too much from you. But is it too much to ask that you at least acknowledge of my existence? Maybe for you, that is.

I cannot believe the guy I felt things for and you are the same. Funny how time changes people.

You screwed me over, pulled me back in, made me feel things nobody did, told me things that made me go into a frenzy. I craved for you when you left even if I had known all along you will. Yes, I knew my heart was so gonna get broken before it all happened. Before reality hit me in the face, like a fucking boulder. I don't know exactly what happened that led into us becoming this estranged, wait let me re frame it, that led me into becoming emotionally scarred and you becoming whatever you are today.

Today it pained me to look at you. While one part of me was strangely determined to avoid you and run, the other part felt a loss. A loss that makes me hurt in places I never knew existed. It makes me want to strangle myself because I let you go, once again (as if you were ever really mine), makes me wonder if I'm gonna see you again. What if we really never see each other again? For the very rational part of me, it's a relief. The other part, not so much. Was it really the last I saw of you?

I remember when we used to be real close, when we used to spend every wakeful hour of day talking to each other. That is a happy freaking memory I have. That phase was too good to be true. Of course I should have seen it coming. Nothing good comes without consequences. I, for one should have known that happiness lasts for a moment, I should have been preparing for the doom instead of listening to you talk my ear off.

I wish I could say it's your loss and I'll still live but I cannot. I know what I lost and lucky for you I'm just another chick around the corner you'll find plenty of because when you find the real fucking deal, you'll need to fight for her. God, I hope you do. You deserve to be happy too.

Just for this while though, I want you to be a real jerk. Be a terrible, horrible jerk and make it easier for me. Please?

PS. I did not write it I swear; my alter ego did.

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hallofsidney · 3 years

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