#ive been TOO OFFLINE

[hiya-itsamber]

guys i've forgotten how to tumblr dot com 🧍🏽‍♀️

#ive been TOO OFFLINE #i touched TOO MUCH GRASS #amber shut up

[splendidcyan]

Yaaayy season 2 let's force crosshair to be a good boy again

#*scorpion voice* GET OVER HERE #star wars #the bad batch #omega #crosshair #wrecker #the clone wars #tcw #tbb #my art #sketch #illustration #sorry for going offline for ages ive been redoing my relationship w sns and also reading a ridiculous amount of bad batch fanfictiom #i have lots more star wars fanart im just sitting on LOL #anyway as i post this im realizijg wrecker is too small. might fix digitally later

[elfcollector]

bi women can be masculine and prefer topping and still be bi! bi men can be flamboyant and still be bi! sexuality is not entirely dependent on how many gay stereotypes you fit, thought we'd got this sorted in 2010 but what the fuck do i know!

#sorry ive been heated abt this for weeks and now that ive seen other ppl talking abt it my feelings are comin out #its so fucking deranged to decide that the only women who are allowed to be masculine must be lesbians #and the only men allowed to be theatre kids must be gay #when like! if u actually SPOKE TO QUEER PEOPLE OFFLINE there are so many masc bi women out there! #there are so many flamboyant bi guys! #im using bi as an umbrella term because i think i read somewhere that astarion is canonically pan which is sooo sexy of him #but like. it's insane. it's insane to decide that a character who IS EXPLICITLY ATTRACTED TO MULTIPLE GENDERS. is actually gay #and if u say otherwise then ur a big mean violent homophobe #and of course if u did the opposite; took a character who is canonically attracted only to their 'same' gender and called them bi #EVEN AS A JOKE! #you would be murdered on the spot #but of course taking the characters who are canonically attracted to multiple genders and deciding that bi ppl no longer exist #because ah-hum this male character fits too many gay stereotypes! #is supposed to be fine

[apollos-boyfriend]

i usually don’t answer asks asking me to talk about x issue but like. oh my god

#icarus speaks #IVE BEEN OFFLINE ALL DAY TOO MAN #what a welcome back 😭

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

I dont know how to say it other than to just say it. I don't feel comfortable, let alone the least bit enthusiastic, about continuing cosmic given noah schnapp's horrifying, disgusting behavior. I think I've been done for a long time anyway, for a number of reasons but this... no. just no. Anyways, Free Palestine

#ive been gone and i have a lot of people to get back to but im still gone offline for now #i only came on here to say he can fck off and dont expect me to be working on cosmic anymore #if you think im ignoring you im not im taking a much needed health break. if you feel ignored i apologize and just know its my issue to wor #out not yours. you did nothing wrong #anyways i wanna say sorry to disappoint but honestly i dont feel too sorry given what he has had to say #cosmic

[quorras]

i feel so out of touch with this blog/t.ronblr in general :'(

#ive been too offline for a year and now i dont know whats going on lmaoo #i. am a little tired of uprising related things :( #if theres like. massive gaps in me being active on this blog its bc of that #t.ron still means so much to me this is a horrible feeling to feel. maybe if i rewatch evolution this blog will go back to normal #rex speaks

[benchtrioupdates]

Ranboo posted on Twitter!

#ranboo #mod jay #id in alt text #they also said in offline chat that 'other platforms' might include tumblr. so um. Run ig #might make my job a bit easier but also Oh God Oh Fuck #edit: the amount of people in the notes of this post who dont already know ranboo is a tumblr user and are just theorizing about it- #scares me. ive been here for too long. help i remember when they were talking about it onstream

[greatestjubilee]

I wonder how different crabs in ER taste like

Maybe the death crabs just kill you the second you taste them

theyre probably fine. but unfortunately sabelina accidentally killed blackguard so she has to boil all crabs herself. if you believe in her cooking abilities, all crabs are good.

#i didnt do it. it was sabelina. dont blame me #also i am going to add this here #sorry i havent been responding to many messages. i get a lot and ive been really down as of late due to some life stuff. #its partially why i also have not been streaming. ill bounce back soon but ive been kind of trying to spend some time offline #that and im not always comfortable answering asks and i dont reply to most dms unless i know you #ive had bad experiences with people getting way too friendly with me simply because i replied to a message in the past so i tend to distance #myself from a lot of it. i really appreciate them though #i read them all. im very grateful #i just get overwhelmed sometimes

[nightlyponder]

yall im so excited. im goin to my first drag show this thursday in celebration of pride. its gonna be at our city's aquarium too which should be so fun. i wish it wasnt on a thursday but i was smart enough to request the morning off the next day.

i need to make sure i stop by the bank tho to make sure i can tip the queens.

#ive been wanting to go to drag shows for a long time #been missing the offline queer community a lot too #jericho.txt

[coolxatu]

im very happy that my recent post about the acp disappearing has blown tf up. its gotten literally double as many notes as the one i made months ago in like a single day. starting to feel like something might actually get done about this now

#trying not to get too optimistic tho cause it'll just hurt more then. but seriously #if this shit doesnt get saved im gonna be mostly offline for a long fucking time #i feel like ive been screaming about this alone since like december

[terriblelizbians]

oh hmm referring to myself by name in the tags on that last post felt off. is this going to be a Thing or am i just in a Mood

#ive been interacting with too many people lately. getting perceived as yael too much lately. it’s throwing off the vibes i think #maybe i should try some other things out offline #but i think it would feel weird for the name zombie/zom to exist for me off the computer it would blur the lines too much #maybe it’s time to pull kester off the shelf #or i’ve been considering yonah but i don’t know if it would work how i want in american accents

[lunarluvbot]

OKOK YAYYY I NEED A FC A USERNAME AND A L/I IF U WANT ONE <3

UHHH IDK ABOUT THE FC I CAN TELL YOU WHAT I LOOK LIKE IF THAT WILL HELP 😭??

USERNAME CAN BE SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THEONEANDONLYWILLOW OR SMTH

WEEPINGWILLOW??

YOU CAN PICK

#love letters ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ #robin <3 #sorry but idk what a l/i is babe #ive been offline for too long 😔

[bbeelzemon]

i miss doing art- WAIT I HAVE MY TABLET WITH ME- oh i should go post my art while im here

#might open flash comms tonight stay tuned for after i post some art ill post what i decided #ive been slowly acclimating to maybe being Online again #i did offline soulsearching for honestly like 2 years and now im like #i think im ready to come back and start Creating again #oh i also wanna rebrand my blog a little. just refresh it up it wont change too drastically #im keeping the url btw i just mean im refreshing like my Online Presence #i miss having an online presence . lol

[pepprs]

prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!

#purrs #just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to #learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels #and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t #mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about #sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to #get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if #anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t #even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself #questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also #means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me #but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to #interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up #every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you #should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt #and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts. #delete later #like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️ #and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖

[frecklystars]

Hey keri!! I don't want you to worry about people thinking you're faking anything and stuff like that - what you're doing and how you're approaching it is completely normal and healthy, everything you've said about the shades of pink in that post makes a lot of sense! people know that recovery isn't a straight line, but more wiggly with ups and downs, and you're such a sincere and nice person that I really don't think anyone is going to be whisper whisper about you making it up for attention or stuff like that - especially when the way you present and talk and vent about it is so different to how someone "doing it for views/attention" would be - but honestly I think a lot of people and I really understand the fear of this and the worry, but I think you should feel reassured that nohody is going to be thinking that. Recovery is complex and multifaceted and we understand, and we're all so proud of how well you're doing!! Sorry if this is a bit rambly or doesn't make sense, I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes. We're all rooting for you ✨💕🌻

HI YELLOW THANK YOU!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

I appreciate you writing this all out for me! And dw it all makes PERFECT sense to me, you are wonderful at phrasing things and also I love you <3

I want to believe it's true, that people can use their braincells if they see me posting a picture of my self insert wearing my favorite pink shirt, and think to themselves "oh wow look, Keri is working on healing, good for her!!!" but I've gotten some confused messages where people are like "why would you make your S/I wear a pink shirt if pink is a trigger? why are you reblogging pictures of Starscream if looking at him is a trigger?" and it's just so hard to have to explain myself over and over and over, that I'm 5 months into the healing process, that Starscream isn't a trigger anymore so much as he is someone I am heavily grieving now, that damn I love pink sooo much and I don't want it to be a trigger anymore, I genuinely want to heal and that means I'm going to have to put in the work!!! I am going to have to look at these things and allow these feelings to wash over me, to reassure myself that I am in control. I do this in my therapy appointments, I do this when I know I'm feeling stable enough to look at these things, and on my horrible days when I can't look at them whatsoever then I just simply don't.

But nowadays when I'm starting to feel myself improve even just the smallest bit, I start to get scared that ppl aren't going to try to understand me no matter how many times I explain how healing from PTSD works. I've been through a lot the last 9 months, I was completely alone with ppl who were convincing me that my feelings weren't valid, so naturally when I come back online I assume ppl are going to think my feelings on reclaiming my own triggers at my own pace won't be valid either...

...and me saying that,,, might be silly, considering all the support I've gotten in such a short amount of time,,,,, I shouldn't stress about an incredibly miniscule amount of people who could potentially tell me that I'm "faking it". but I still get so so anxious, it's been SO LONG since I've talked to people again, people who are actually healthy for me to be around, I'm not used to people understanding me or hearing me out, I'm still so scared that I'll turn around and somebody I trust is going to stab me in the back. Nobody has reason to do this, I just,,, I'm so used to it, I endured it for almost a year, so I'm always on guard now ready for someone to plunge that knife into my back when I least expect it. I never used to get anxious abt things like this but I am such a different person now than I was before I left, I feel like my biggest parts of me are missing :( but I am hoping that healing from my trauma little by little by reclaiming the things that were lost to me are going to help me find myself again.

Thank you for telling me that this is a normal part of healing, bc I feel kind of out of my mind and going thru this process is so rough. It's so hard waking up and immediately getting flashbacks, and having other days where I wake up and I'm immediately super cautious, so tense that my chest will hurt, because I know the flashbacks could start at any point and I have to be "ready" for it. Having anxiety 24/7 is!! wild!!! and I keep going up and down when I'm healing and it makes me feel weird, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that I'm "doing this wrong". I know healing isn't linear, like rationally I think deep down I am aware of it at least, but omg I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster over here. I've never had PTSD with multiple triggers and I've never actually had to experiment with reclaiming said triggers. I'm scared of people perceiving me when I'm in such a bad state, judging my every move and deciding whether or not my healing is valid or if I'm doing this "correctly". It's probably silly for me to think these things but it's been really eating at me for the past few days.

But I'm rereading your message a few more times rn and trying to really let it sink in, especially when you say I'm a nice/sincere person ;-; thank you. Most people know me by now, I have been online for a longass time, I truly hope people know I'm genuine and I would never "fake something for attention", especially when it involves my comfort characters, like... this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me, I couldn't fake this if I tried lmao;;;

Thank you for sending me a reassuring message, I appreciate it <3

#yellowpoet #asks #keepsake #also im so glad that you thought my post made sense 😭🙏💛 #i rly rly rly hope that most ppl have the same mindset that you do #i just know the reading comprehension on this hellsite is like... nonexistent fjhgfdksfhg #and ive already gotten some confused messages. and theyre innocently confused #but it just scares me bc theres so many Evil People out there who might try to put me down for all of this #and I am just. I'm doing so bad. I want to heal but I don't know if I'm 'allowed' to #bc people expect me to heal at a certain pace #like. I do not want to spend years being scared of these 10 or 20 things #especially a color that is so!! love-coded!!! one of my main fave colors!! #me trying to reclaim it is something I couldn't have done 5 months ago #but nobody saw me 5 months ago bc I was offline for so long. nobody has seen me at my Worst #so I'm scared that ppl will assume I'm 'healing too fast' #I've only been back for one week but my healing process is reaching 6 months very soon #idk if anything i said just made sense bc i jumped everywhere lmao??? #anyway. ANYWAY. yellow i love you SO MUCH you cannot fathom how much I love you #I thought about you a few times when I was gone I thought about a lot of mutuals #and like you're one of my favorite blogs/mutuals and I care abt you so much. so thank you for sending me this

[darubyprincx]

gods i wish i could participate in the strike for gaza today but this is the only full day we have in school this week and it's exams time. i already missed friday and i cannot do this again

#ray's tag #ive seen all of these posts going around for months surrounding gaza but half of them are guilt trippy and the other half are things #i literally cannot participate in either because i'm not old enough to or because i am terrified of calls of any kind #i never leave my house and can't drive so i can't participate in protests. Both my parents work full time jobs and my mom is in college so #she can't take me anywhere. I've been focusing my energy elsewhere because if I spread myself any thinner I'm going to break. #and like it feels fucking horrible i know silence is complicity but. i know if i get into this then it'll completely wreck my mental health #i dont even know why im trying to explain myself here i just. gods. #yeah whatever im going offline for now i have assignments to do and its too early for a crisis rn #deep sigh. its not enough. it'll never be enough. im just loving as hard as i can and sharing kindness as much as possible but. GAH