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amatchinwater · 3 years

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Did a little thing for Day 2 of Stackson Week 2021!

Day 2: Trapped together

Pairing: Stackson

Warnings: underage drinking

Word count: 2709

Rating: teen and up

Ao3 link

Stiles knew it was a bad idea to have a party at Lydia’s lake house in the middle of hurricane lever rain and a goddamn flood warning. What’s even worse is he’s the first person to show up! Lydia herself isn’t even here yet. The banshee was kind enough to tell him where they put the hide-a-key so he could get in and out of the storm. Scott and Isaac aren’t picking up or answering his texts. If they’re not here because they’re too busy fucking and Stiles has to be here soaked and alone, he’s going to kill them.

When Stiles gets in the house, he stomps his shoes on the mat to not track in any mud. Lyds would castrate him for that, so he takes them off just to be safe. Slipping out of his jacket, Stiles hangs it on the hook, careful not to let it drip anywhere other than the little rug underneath it. The house is empty and eerily dark. Then again, why wouldn’t it be? He’s the only fucking one here. Making his way into the kitchen, Stiles’ preturbrance only grows.

It doesn’t even look like the place is meant to house a party in the next twenty minutes. Nothing is set up. There isn't a single bag of chips or other snacks on the counter. No pizzas and sandwich platters like her birthday. A keg is not beside the island either. Just two bottles of wine with a sticky note that reads-

“Have fun?”

Oh my god! Stiles jumps and flails, nearly knocking the bottles over on the counter.

“What kind of fucking game is she playing?” Jackson snatches the note, rereading it before flicking it back towards the island.

Still clutching his wildly beating heart, Stiles gasps, “could you maybe announce yourself next time?” He collects himself- mostly. “Not all of us have your little wolf senses. You almost gave me a heart attack, you fuck.”

Jackson snorts and almost playfully bumps him with his shoulder. “Not my fault you left the front door unlocked, Stilinski.”

Fuck this. “I’m leaving.” Stiles stalks back towards the front door, yanking his jacket off the hook and grabbing his shoes. Whipping the open the door, the teen groans loudly, dropping his head back, “you’ve got to be kidding me!”

“What are you bitching about now?” The wolf steps beside him and looks outside, his eyes widen drastically. “Holy shit!”

The lake has officially overflown since they’ve shown up and the driveway is at least three inches deep with water. Jackson’s care looks like it’s barely capable of surviving if it gets too high. Stiles almost cares enough to wonder if they should move it. This fucking storm! Now he’s stuck here with nowhere to go. Yes, he has a jeep, but the road out is no doubt a muddy mess that even Roscoe can’t navigate.

Closing the door and putting his clothes back where they were, Stiles whines, “why would she pick today to do this?” Thinking about the weather his dad forced him to watch this morning. Most cities were calling in downed power lines and massive branches flying through the streets.

She knew this storm was coming. So much so that Lydia even reminded him to wear his boots rather than his sneakers. “I guess I better call Scott, tell him not to come. No use in him getting stuck in the woods like this.” Sures, having his best friend here would make this exceptionally better. But Stiles doesn’t want to break up any fights between a stir crazy Jackson and Isaac. Fishing in his pocket, Stiles pulls out his phone and smashes the call button in annoyance.

“Stiles, hey. I’m sorry I did-” Scott answers on the second ring only to be cut off by Stiles.

“I don’t care if you and Isaac were fucking,” Jackson chuckles at his jab. “Don’t come to Lydia’s. The lake flooded and now Jackson and I can’t leave.”

“Okay,” Scott draws out the word and if Stiles wasn’t mistaken sounds a little confused. Jackson’s brows knit together at the response too. Okay, so it did sound weird then. “I’m sorry you’re stuck there, dude. But maybe this will be a good thing?”

Is he serious? “How the fuck is it supposed to be a good thing to be stuck in a goddamn house with someone who hates my guts?” Stiles’ hand slaps his thigh in exasperation. Not to mention the asshole in question was hotter than hell fire and makes it incredibly hard to be in the same room with him. Not thinking about that when Jackson can smell his chemosignals.

“Well,” Scott drawls, “you did say you had a crush on him.” Stiles blanches and goes stalk still, forgetting how to fucking breathe. Jackson snorts beside him. Stiles is going to kill Scott. “Oh my god! He’s right next to you, isn’t he?”

“I hate you so much right now.” Stiles makes a point to stare at the floor and not at the shuffling wolf beside him. “Well, thanks for getting me killed. Great best friend job, truly. See ya probably never, Scotty.” He promptly hangs up before Scott can answer.

“So,” Jackson purrs and Stiles can’t help but turn and face the wolf. His arms are crossed from where he leans against the wall, one foot propped behind him. Jackson’s face holds that stupid, sexy, douchbag smirk, “you like me?”

He’s not even going to entertain that. Stiles squints at him with his mouth slightly parted. It only makes Jackson chuckle. “I need a drink,” Stiles uses every ounce of self control not to literally run away and back into the kitchen. Sifting through the drawers until he finds the corkscrew, Stiles grabs a bottle. Once the cork is out- that actually had already been opened- Stiles could give fuck all about a glass. He takes a sip directly from the bottle, regretting it at the extensive bitter taste of wolfsbane.

Clearly that one’s for Jackson. He’s courteous enough to slide the wine across the island when Jackson is back in the room. The wolf stares at him as his lips wrap around the mouthpiece and drinks from it, not giving a damn to wipe it after Stiles’ drank first. The other boy just watches before his brain recovers and he opens his own bottle. Setting the cork and opener aside, Stiles grabs the wine and leaves the wolf in the kitchen to go sit in the living room where Lydia keeps the playstation.

Plopping on the couch, Stiles lets himself sink into the cushion and takes several swigs. Actually rather enjoying the slight burn and the warmth that quickly settles in his belly. He can very easily just sit here and watch tv like Jackson doesn’t even exist. Stiles can go to literally anywhere else to be away from the wolf if need be. He cannot believe that Jackson found out he likes him.

Fucking Scott.

It takes a few minutes for Jackson to join him. Stiles already has Supernatural playing and has killed a good third of his wine before the wolf is sitting next to him. Like right next to him. One nervous leg bounce and their thighs or knees will touch. Seriously? Lydia has two couches, a chaise lounge, and two armchairs in her living room. So why is he so close?

Scratch that initial thought. There’s like six other rooms in this big ass house that Jackson could’ve gone to. Why here? Stiles drinks more.

Jackson takes another small sip, looking like he’s barely drank anything from his own bottle before saying, “I have a secret to tell you.”

He fights the eyeroll only just, “what information could you possibly have that I would care about?” Amber eyes stay glued to the flat screen.

“I don’t hate you, Stiles.”

“Oh?” He asks with mock interest. Even though there’s something tickling at his heart that Jackson didn’t call him ‘idiot’ or ‘Stilinski’. He can’t allow himself to fall for the wolf’s tricks. He won’t let the rug get yanked out from under him.

“Quite the opposite actually.”

Stiles snorts and turns to make some smart ass retort. But his ‘yeah right’ gets stuck on his tongue finding Jackson’s face mere inches from his own. He gulps. Clearing his throat, Stiles takes a big sip before putting his bottle on the small table beside him. Too fuzzy and warm to process this, Stiles scooches until he’s pressing against the armrest.

Jackson also places his bottle on the coffee table before sliding closer. Forcing Stiles to half turn into the couch while the wolf puts an arm on either side of him, completely encasing Stiles. “I like you,” he presses further, “a lot.” Jackson leans in until their noses brush, “tell me if you want me to stop.”

Blame the wine. Blame his hormones for not wanting him to stop. Hell, blame everyone and everything, Stiles included. But he does have a massive crush on Jackson. Even though he knows damn well that he shouldn’t. The guy’s a prick. He has no problem letting people know that he’s better than them. Making damn sure to flaunt his money too. As if that makes him hotter or something. It doesn’t.

No, it’s the icy blue eyes that make Stiles want to learn their secrets and harvest the knowledge. The wolf’s stupid jaw that’s perfect and Stiles just wants to bite it. He;s seen Jackson naked numerous times- thank you locker room shower’s forgotten concept of privacy. But god damn, when Jackson smiles- not his asshole smirk, but genuine smile- Stiles’ lungs and knees forget how to function. Despite his actions earlier, the teen is actually pretty happy to be stuck here.

Only acting as though he hates Jackson because he was simply following the wolf’s lead. His eyes flick to Jackson’s bottle of wine- its contents too hard to see in the dark green glass from this distance- and back to hooded baby blues. There’s only two reasons Stiles can believe that this is actually happening right now.

Jackson’s drunk. Because Stiles doesn’t understand the extent in which wolfsbane affects werewolf's tolerance. Which would mean the ex-kanima has no idea what he’s doing and should go sleep it off. Stiles hopes it’s this because the latter is just too painful.

Jackson’s fucking with him. Surely he doesn’t have actual feelings for Stiles. Maybe the wolf found out he’s bi and wanted to tease him about it. Although, something tells him that Danny would murder Jackson if he ever found out. Still. This is Stiles. Lowest on the lacrosse totem pole and not the wolf’s best friend. Is Jackson that cruel though?

Beautiful, parted pink lips get closer, so Stiles whispers, “you’re just drunk,” and turns his head away, hoping that’s the case here. Waiting for the joke to play out.

“I’m really not.” Jackson reaches over to grab his drink. There’s maybe three sips missing when he dangles the bottle for proof. “See?” The wolf puts it back, returning with a smirk and a cocked brow, “now will you let me kiss you?” Jackson chuckles, it’s a breathy sound, but doesn’t make to move closer. Leaving it to Stiles.

He’s not falling for that trap. The prove-to-me-you-want-it-so-I-can-kick-you-down trap by making Stiles lean in. “So you’re fucking with me then?” He should’ve known better.

The other boy looks confused and a little offended. Jackson leans back farther, still sitting close, but no longer in Stiles’ personal space. He actually wants him to come back, but how could he ever tell the wolf that when this is just a game? “Why would I fuck with you about this?” Jackson’s voice is soft and full of so much emotion that Stiles almost believes him.

“Uh, because that’s what you do?” Stiles gestures wildly like it should have been obvious. “You’ve made it perfectly clear that we’re not even friends. You were literally my bully when we were kids. I don’t- and i-it only got worse when I developed a crush on Lydia. Which I get, she was your girlfr-”

“What’s not why I was a dick.” The wolf cuts him off with a shake of his head. Stiles squints an eye at him, mouth still hanging open from the word that didn’t finish. “I was jealous.”

“Why the fuck would you be jealous of me?” Stiles scoffs and Jackson ducks his head with a chuckle. “Lydia never even looked at me while you were together.”

Jackson flashes a bemused grin when he looks back, “I was jealous of Lydia, you idiot.” The name usually bitten out comes with a tone that suggests it’s meant to be a term of endearment.

“Oh, I’m so sorry that I wasn’t fawning over you like your little fan club, okay? My bad. You’re right, you’re incredibly hot and I should’ve stroked your ego by putting you some fucking pedestal-” Jackson swallows whatever other words and the surprised squeak from Stiles’ lips. He stares bug eyed at the wolf’s closed eyes. Jackson presses closer, his hand cupping the other boy’s cheeks while his tongue slides against Stiles’ bottom lip. Entrance isn’t given, he can’t really, Stiles is too shocked to do so.

The wolf pulls away, still holding Stiles’ face, “I didn’t care that you thought she was attractive.” Jackson drops a hand and lifts his hips, pulling one of Stiles’ legs until the human gets the massage and- for some fucking reason- lays on the couch. The wolf’s hips immediately settle into the space created and Stiles can feel just how much Jackson wants this. Him. “I wanted to be the one you had a crush on because of the massive one I have on you.”

That’s a lot to process. If Jackson liked him then- “why did you make my life hell?”

Jackson’s free hand falls to Stiles’ hip, rubbing softly and the other props himself on the armrest behind Stiles’ head. “I didn’t know how to handle the fact that I suddenly like guys. Well, a guy.” The wolf sighs, “Lydia knew and agreed to keep my secret as long as I needed her to. I’m sorry I treated you like that.”

Stiles has never seen him act so soft. Having Derek as an Alpha and a proper back must really be working for Jackson. It makes him charming in a way that his jerk persona never could. Being emotionally balanced and all that.

“I’m going to ask you one more time. And I’ll know if you’re lying. So don’t do me any favors and don’t hide from me either.” The warning is evident. Don’t say it and not mean it. And don’t mean it but not day it. Otherwise he’ll walk. “Will you please, let me fucking kiss you?”

Stiles fists his fingers in the wolf’s shirt- half expecting Jackson to snap at wrinkling his expensive clothes- to push him away or pull him closer, the other boy really doesn’t know. Until his arm moves of its own volition and Jackson’s mouth gets drawn to him.

The wolf chuckles against his lips, “finally.” The hand on his hip grips tighter and the other comes back to his jaw. Jackson tilts his head up to deepen the kiss. Jackson kisses like he wants to swallow Stiles whole. Maybe he does. Maybe Stiles would let him. Panting he pulls away again, and the other teen bites back a whine. “I have one more question and then I promise I’ll shut up.”

The human playfully rolls his eyes, “what is it?”

“Be with me.” Jackson states. Stiles cocks his head to the side with a chuckle, that wasn’t really a question. But his heart skips a beat nonetheless at the implication of the wolf’s words. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Stiles is nodding before the request is completely out of Jackson’s beautiful face. “Fuck yeah, dude.” The wolf breathes out a laugh at the ridiculousness. “Now just kiss me. Please?”

“Whatever you want,” Jackson grins and presses his body in further, claiming Stiles’ lips as his own.

Stiles is now stupidly happy about this storm locking them in Lydia’s lake house. He got a boyfriend out if.

#stackson #stiles stilinski #jackson whittemore #stiles x jackson #teen wolf #ao3 fic #stacksonweek2021

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

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This pandemic has brought out the worst in me. My sleeping schedule is a mess (I go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 2pm), I'm barely able to get out of the bed, I can barely do the dishes and take out the trash, I spend too much time on YouTube and inside my head, thinking about all the stuff I wanted to work on but being unable to do it.

My memory has also gotten worse - if it's not something I'm not obsessed with then I'll not remember the details. I was trying to snap myself out of this hazy floating by trying to focus my mind at least on reading, which is something I absolutely love, but now I'm unable to focus even on a plot I find interesting and intriguing, my mind immediately starts to wander, or I need to do at least 2 things at once (reading and checking Reddit, or reading and listening to some ambient music). I've also started to not finish stories where I once used to read a book a day.

I know the theory of what I should be doing, but that's it. I'm unable to JUST DO it. I think my Te is trying to motivate me by trying to wake up my conscience, but it's not enough. I hate this because I know I can do things and concentrate and be responsible and productive, but because I'm fine and all my basic needs are met I don't have the need to pull myself together. I used to fuel my 7 by travelling and observing people, but now that we need to stay home, and I have covid (so my friends bring me groceries), my 9w1 core sloth is all too happy to be left alone, with my devices.

I know that this pandemic brought pandemic fatigue with it, plus it's spring and I'm always tired in spring (plus my years-long medical issues with thick blood and low blood pressure), but it's driving me crazy that I could've gotten better at my hobbies and could've reached some of my goals by now only if I DID things. Things that used to work don't help anymore. And then I don't even stay mad long because some new video distracts me.

Is there something from a mbti perspective that can help to start doing things and concentrating on them? (For context I'm an ENFP 9w1 7w6 2w3)

Also thank you so much for this blog, thank you for helping lost souls find their way and be better people, both inside their head and outside when interacting with the outer world ❤️ I haven't been studying mbti for that long but so far I've seen so much valuable information on your blog, and for free!

Are you mad enough at yourself yet to change your behavior?

That's really the bottom line here, because you KNOW that YOU have to start being responsible and doing things and not just wasting your time... but YOU are the only person who will force yourself to do things.

A couple of thoughts. First, I recognize this phenomenon / brain fog. It happened to me several times last year during the pandemic (where I am, things are opening up, so hopefully they will soon for you as well) and I hated it. My mind was unclear, I had lots of things I needed to do but could not focus on any of them. It was, to be honest, a Si grip, which yanks you out of Ne-dom (possibilities, excitement about doing projects, seeing things made real) and turns your intuition into a "fog." There's no access to Fi (do I care about this? if I care, am I a principled person enough to do it?) and no Te (how am I going to prioritize my tasks?), just Si (I'm comfy doing nothing and feeling depressed) and flits of Ne, which only show up as being bored, easily distracted, etc. So some of this is a Si grip, and some of it is general depression (being unfocused, sleeping in late, not taking care of yourself, no motivation even for things you love, unable to finish things). You need to approach it by dealing with both -- getting back into your stronger functions (Ne: envisioning possibilities and finding a purpose, Fi: drawing upon your character and who you want to be and what you care about, to take action, Te: making a plan, forcing yourself to do what needs done, and keeping track of your progress to self-motivate) -- and by recognizing and admitting that you are depressed, and asking what you can do about it.

Second, you have built up some BAD habits during the pandemic. I get it. I fell into some of this as well last autumn, when I ceased being my usual productive self and started leaving work (from home) at 3pm every day. I developed a bad habit of just watching television, which numbed my brain and ultimately bored me. It's only now that I have hope and can go to the store without a mask on that I am feeling happier (my little 7 wing rejoices and has PLANS) and can work through into the late afternoon. I'm re-establishing a schedule that is productive throughout the day instead of allowing myself to "meander" in life. So what you need to do is look at your habits. Make a list of them. Look at what you told me: basically, it is I have become undisciplined, my sleep schedule is bad, and then I wake up late and feel lazy so I don't do anything. What is ONE THING that would jolt you into a different routine? Go to bed on time. Set a time every night, shut off all your devices an hour ahead of it, read a book until you get sleepy, and go to sleep. Wake up at a decent hour. If you wake up at 7am instead of 2pm, your body won't fall into its usual "welp, afternoon is half over, guess I'll watch YouTube" habit. It will go -- wait, what new habit are we forming? Breakfast? Then work?? Okay!

Lastly, and this is HUGELY important for an ENFP -- decide the night before what you are going to accomplish or work on tomorrow. Why? It prepares your brain to know what is expected from it. Unless I do this each night, and have a notion of how I am going to spend my time, my Ne goes ?!?! and I get very little done or waste three hours trying to decide what to do. But if I say, "Okay, tomorrow I am finishing chapter four," I usually finish chapter four (and then some). Today, I have to work at my paying job. I knew this last night, so I am mentally clear and prepared to focus only on the task at hand. I don't treat today as "mine." It belongs to my employer. I know what I am going to do, I intend to do it, and when I get home, I know what else I can work on. Learn to create this habit each night before bed. Decide what tomorrow is going to be like and commit to it.

As for tasks you don't want to do that still need done -- just do them. You can spend 2 weeks avoiding them, or spend an hour and get it over with so you don't feel like crap about yourself because you have kept avoiding it for weeks. Decide, "Tomorrow, I am doing that thing first thing in the morning," and then do it.

You will find that when you start setting yourself tasks (Te) that your Ne starts working properly again -- it will become more focused, less hazy, and more interested in what you can contribute, rather than just mindless "consuming." It's fine to have a down day now and again (even so, it's also useful to have a vague idea the night before of what this day will contain, even if it's fun -- it's fun and exciting to anticipate things) but your life NEEDS structure, or you won't do anything.

I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because you won't be happy unless you do. ENFPs need to get things done, contribute, feel like they are moving forward, and have something to show for their time. Without it, they will get angry at themselves -- as you well know.

#question #mbti #enfp #depression #self growth #spiritual development

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chaoticdean · 4 years

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Forever and a day.

For week 7 — prompt: thunderstorm

Bonus point for anyone who’s able to guess where the title came from! (hint: it’s a song, and it has a lot of meaning for Dean)

Host : @bend-me-shape-me, @helianthus21 & @pray4jensen ♡

(I know I’m pretty late on this! I’m gonna try and pick up the pace, maybe even write for every prompts I’ve missed before!)

READ ON AO3

It’s still dark when Castiel awakes. The sun doesn’t seem to be up yet, and a quick glance at the clock on his nightstand clearly displaying 5:36am in wide red characters confirms that yes, it is early. The former angel rises from his comfortable position to sit on the bed, proceeds to rub his eyes and ruffles his hair — these are a lost cause, no matter what he does they still stick in a hundred different directions like some kind of wild party animal. He’s about to get up from his sitting posture, taking into account the way his stomach grumbles — he really should’ve eaten something last night, but he’s still getting the hang of being human again and quite frankly, this “humans got to eat at least 3 times a day crap” is a daily struggle — when an arm makes its way across his waist and roughly pulls him back against the mattress (and as it turns out, a very warm, living body).

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Dean says, voice still rough with sleep, brushing his lips against Cas’s throat and peppering kisses here and there, which gets the angel’s arousal to rise instantly.

“Well, I was about to go get coffee for your sorry ass, but I guess I’ll stay now that you’ve made me your prisoner” Cas responds dramatically with a wide grin, unable to repress a deep moan when Dean decides to bite the soft skin of his neck.

“It’s not even 6am and we’ve got nowhere else to be, so keep that tight ass of yours in bed. I don’t need coffee, I need you” the hunters says, in a way that makes Cas shiver a little.

Dean tightens his grip around Cas’s waist, his other arm quickly wrapping around his other side, hand landing on his stomach. Cas doesn’t move (although he’s not entirely sure he could, given the way Dean is literally wrapped around him), his back pressed against Dean’s chest, his head tucked below the hunter’s, letting him have the space he needs to essentially worship Cas’s skin between his neck and shoulder. He sighs in content, closing his eyes and raising his left arm to bring Dean’s face closer, entirely giving himself up to the sensation.

The sound of the rain quietly falling down on the bunker’s roof strengthen the cozy feeling of the room that was once Dean’s but has now been theirs for more than a year. There seems to be a storm coming, Castiel can already hear the low rumble of thunder still afar. He used to be unconcerned by weather, back when he was still an Angel of the Lord. It didn’t matter if it rained, if it was below 32°F or if the sun was shining too hard. Now is a different story, and he learned to catalog everything about the weather. He likes the sound of rain, but he also really like when the sun shines on his face while riding shotgun in the Impala after coming back from a hunt. He gets cold really fast, and he learned the hard way that his beloved trench coat wouldn’t be enough to keep him warm anymore (“who the fuck comes to freaking Minnesota with nothing else but a trench coat, you idiot” Dean had said, shaking his head in disbelief but getting his partner one of his winter jacket from the trunk that Cas had kept to this day), but he doesn’t really like when it gets too warm and he’s sweating “like a goddamn trucker after a ride through the desert” courtesy of one Dean Winchester. Sweat is a whole new feeling as well, and he despises it (except when it involves “mind-blowing sex”, as Dean calls it). He likes the rumbles of thunder, but what he loves the most is watching the lightnings fall, cozied up at the back of the Impala next to Dean.

He never thought he could have this. 12 years of buried feelings, heartbreaks, pain and misery let him think that he would never, ever experience any of this. Yet here he is, the fallen angel, inside the arms of the man he saved from Hell years ago.

Now his husband.

Yes, for someone who never wore a last name, Castiel Winchester does have a nice ring to it, he’ll admit.

The loud sound of thunder suddenly rips through the silence of the bunker for half a second, apparently approaching Lebanon quicker and quicker, and Castiel can feel Dean arms tighten lightly around him as the storm begins to crack around them.

Truth be told, it still feels surreal. It’s been an actual process, from literally yelling their mutual feelings at each other’s face after dealing with yet again another “I will kill myself so that you can live” situation, to trying to make this work between them. Dancing around each other and a decade of repressed thoughts and feelings was hard enough, try throwing “how about going human again after being an Angel of the Lord for several millennia” into the mix and see how it goes.

And despite all the troubles that comes with being human — do you know how infuriating it is to remember you’ve got to pee all the damn time?! Or how humans get cold so damn easily? —, despite Castiel being a pain in everyone’s ass trying to come to grip with humanity again, Dean was there alongside him everyday. He wiped every tear, took every bad dream away, woke up at the crack of dawn just so that he could make a different breakfast for Castiel to try every single day. “We need to figure out if you’re more of a regular pancakes and bacon guy, the weirdo type who only eats Lucky Charms with milk, or a plain black coffee and white bread dude. Hell, we can even go wild and have tacos and waffles for breakfast, see how it goes” Dean had said the first morning. Castiel made him come so hard that particular morning that Sam couldn’t face any of them for 2 days after that.

And then, there was the proposal. It came in as sort of a surprise, for Castiel first but almost for Dean as well. Getting married was the epitome of human custom by definition. Cas had never really thought about it, never really had a desire for it and certainly never expected for it to happen to him. Dean being human, the idea of marriage was almost carved into his mind and it obviously came to mind several times before, but it hadn’t for a while for quite obvious reasons — the end of the world, the self-loathing that clung to his entire soul and dripped through the creaks sometimes, the fact that he didn’t think he’d find anyone willing to spend the rest of their life with a broken up loser of a hunter, anyway he was in love with his best friend who was an angel and who certainly did not share his feelings — pick your poison.

But that specific night, after spending a certain amount of time mapping the edges of Dean’s body with a fierce determination in the backseat of Baby, when Dean snuggled closer dropping his face into the crook of Cas’s neck and asked if he would marry him with that husky voice of his that made the former angel go crazy, he didn’t hesitate. It took Cas exactly half a second to whisper “yes” into the hunter’s ear, and that settled it.

They had a quiet ceremony that Bobby officiated, Sam and Jack were their best men, and they were only joined by their closest friends which consisted of Eileen, Charlie, Jody, Donna and the girls (surprisingly enough, Claire was thrilled) , Garth and his family. Cas wore a navy blue suit that made his baby blue eyes look even more deep, and Dean looked like he was out of an episode of the Bachelor with his black tux, black bow-tie and white shirt. They looked perfect. It took them a grand total of 5 minutes before they shared their first kiss as a married couple. There were tears, both in the assistance and on both grooms face. It was perfect. And it looked surreal to Dean.

But good.

Right.

Everything he asked for.

They went to Hawaii for a week on a Honeymoon, but still took Sam and Jack with them (“because they deserve a goddamn break and little umbrella cocktails as much as we do, Cas, and we owe it to them. Besides, we’ll book that honeymoon suite on the other side of the resort and they won’t have to suffer through our nights” Dean had said with a cheeky grin)

Another loud thunder sound rips through the bunker, and Cas knows that Dean’s going to feel relieved that he got Baby into the garage last night instead of leaving her outside by the door like he usually do when they get home in-between hunts.

“You do know” Cas starts but Dean interrupts him right away by sucking on his earlobe and boy oh boy does that makes Cas’s body react, “that the walk from this room to the kitchen is roughly 20 seconds, give or take?”

“So? What’s your damn point?” Dean adds, his mouth mapping that soft spot behind Cas’s ear that tends to make the former angel whimper

“So I can be back in, say, 3 minutes with two cups of coffee and even a slice of that cold pizza you left in the fridge yesterday” Cas manages to say before Dean gets back on attacking his throat with his lips

“You know I love it when you try and talk dirty to me, Angel, but I really don’t care about any cups of coffee or even cold pizza right now. Besides, I’m almost sure Jack chomped that pizza up last night.”

Dean’s mouth lands on his cheek as Cas turns over to face him, finally locking eyes with the hunter — his hunter, he thinks.

“What happened to the ‘I can’t function properly until I’ve got my third cup of coffee’ motto that I’ve seen you go through for the past 12 years, Winchester?” Cas teases, his left hand cupping Dean’s face. “Was it all a lie?”

The hunter closes his eyes, pushing onto the touch, the cold feeling of the silver wedding band Castiel is wearing on his ring finger attacking his senses.

Meanwhile, Cas gazes at his husband, realizing he hasn’t shaved in at least two weeks, and his jawline gets even more glorious with that dirty blond scruff all over it.

Dammit, get it together, Winchester.

“Besides”, Cas adds, his lips brushing lightly against the corner of Dean’s mouth “I’m no angel anymore.”

“You’ll always be my Angel, Cas” Dean responds softly, his green eyes looking even more bright as he says the words.

“Aww, you’re such a sap.”

“Okay” Dean grumbles, looking slightly offended but sporting a wide grin on his face, “When did you become a sassy son of a bitch, and what have you done with my husband?”

“Learned from the best” Cas chuckles, nuzzling his way along Dean’s jaw toward his ear “and Chuck was technically my father, so you’re like, halfway right on that assumption” he whispered.

“Will you shut your damn mouth and give me a kiss, for heaven’s sakes.”

Cas smiles at the use of these particular words and immediately leans closer, his lips brushing Dean’s lightly before the hunter captures his mouth with a thoroughness bordering on savagery.

For a former angel who’s known thousands of languages, has been to many different worlds and lead Armies through (literal) hellfire, Castiel can’t find any words or feeling that could do justice to what it feels like to kiss Dean. Words won’t do justice to the rollercoaster of emotions it embodies. It feels both like the universe is exploding inside his chest, but the waves are quieter with Dean’s lips on his.

Cas finally pulls back just enough to whisper against Dean’s lips.

“Coffee.”

“Okay, Angel. Go get that coffee. Get me that slice of cold pizza you promised” Dean answers as Cas gets up.

He’s only wearing black boxer briefs that Dean is almost sure belongs to him. His hands behind his head, he quietly watches as his husband picks up Dean’s shirt to wear — a Led Zeppelin ’73 tour black shirt that he owns since God knows when — and exit the room to the bunker’s kitchen.

“I’m so damn happy” Dean thinks to himself, and despite 4 decades of thinking he’s not allowed to feel like this, he really wants to believe that everything will be fine, they’ll be okay, they have each other and the future doesn’t look so dark anymore.

And when Castiel comes back, 3 minutes after he’s left like he advertised before, with two cups of coffee and a plate of waffles and bacon (“Babe, Jack did eat that pizza you left in the fridge yesterday, but apparently Sam made breakfast before he left for his morning run” “it’s 6am, how the hell did that animal make breakfast and left already? How are we even related?”), Dean’s convinced he won the fucking lottery.

(If you enjoy reading this, please consider reblogging/liking, and leaving kudos on AO3!)

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elfiethewickedcancelled · 6 years

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how to let you go (when I can still see your ghost) part 2

Shiro thought that there were moments that words couldn’t reach, there were situations and happenings that there were no words for, no words to hurt, no words to heal, no words at all. It was suffering of the worst kind, the kind you couldn’t even name, it was all too terrible to speak of. Because how did you mention it, how do you put those words into your mouth, how do you even begin to get over something like this? He thought of Lance, who he had found clutching Keith’s jacket and sobbing like there was no end to the sorrow, and he knew that there wasn’t. This wasn’t the kind of sorrow that passed, or that you forgot. How did you learn to live with the unimaginable?

He spent hours in the hangar, he walked alone through the hall, but it was all so wrong. Keith hadn’t been around for quite some time but his presence lingered in every corner. Without him, without Keith, Shiro felt small and quiet. He looked like a mess, he knew that, with dishevelled hair, tired eyes and clothes that were slept in. He spent a lot of time in Black who wrapped him in comfort and underlying pity and he thought of Keith when he was younger, about how Shiro had said and known that one day that little kid would grow up to be something big, someone important. He had never imagined that one day that would be his demise. He had thought about how he would fall apart with pride, now he just fell apart. He wanted to stay there, curled up in Black forever and just forget the world around him but he couldn’t do that. Instead he took the others to train every day, there was still a war to be won and he stayed when all of the others slowly came undone.

Even Red grieved. Lance said she had gone quiet, and she was slower than usual, more subdued. It was clear that even though Lance piloted her, it was Keith who had been her paladin. It had even taken a long time before she let anyone in her, he had witnessed a crying Lance begging her to let him, begging her not to make him lose that part of Keith too. Now she had, he knew Lance spent more time in Red than anywhere else, he even slept there and he didn’t show up to train with the others. Shiro knew he had to talk to him, he knew it had to be he who talked to Lance. He found Lance in the hangar as usual, exiting red with bloodshot eyes and hunched shoulder. He barely glanced up at Shiro as he walked past and Shiro blurted out an “I’m sorry”. Lance stopped and turned around. Shiro took one look at him and words started to spill out.

“If I could spare his life, if I could trade his life for mine, he would be here now. He would be here now and maybe than you all could move on. I disappeared and you went on with your life, with Voltron, even Keith did, but now we are all in a standstill, we are all stuck in limbo. And if I just, I could just- “ He swallowed. “-If I could just go back in time and listen to you when you said we should leave Naxzela maybe none of this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t understand or know all the challenges we will be facing now, how we will move on, if we ever can, or how to be able to function again. There is no replacing what we’ve lost and we all need time, but if you could, try to at least join us for dinner, try to sleep in your room. I won’t ask you to train with us if you are not ready for that but please don’t make us lose you too.” Lance still didn’t say anything and Shiro faltered.

“Lance do you want to be alone? Red’s quiet alone.”

When Lance still didn’t reply Shiro started to leave. He supposed that Lance did the same as Shiro wanted to do, to push it all away, push away what you could never understand, push away the unimaginable. To push it away and at the same time just swim down in it and drown. Just when Shiro walked past Lance, Lance put up a hand on Shiro’s shoulder.

“It is not your fault. He was like a brother to you, and I'm sorry that you lost him, at least I know my siblings are still alive, I'm sorry Shiro - you were the only one who had your family with you here from the start and now you've lost it more than anyone else of us have.” "And you were in love with him." “Yes." "I'm sorry you never got to tell him." "Me too, I guess it's just one of those things you never know will be too late until they are."

“I think he knew” and after a brief pause Shiro continued with “I think he loved you too”.

Shiro looked at Red and thought that no matter how different their love for Keith had been, they still shared the same scars

It started slow; Pidge no longer cried herself to sleep; Matt stopped avoiding the team, Allura worked up the courage to look them all in the eye; Hunk stopped putting out an extra platter of food without even having to think about it; Shiro started spending time in the training hall again, without seeing Keith’s shadow in every corner. Even Lance seemed better, he smiled more, and sometimes it even reached his eyes. Still Keith presence lingered with its absence. It would be easier to let him go, if they would stop letting him be the elephant in the room, if they would talk about him, bring his memory out of the shadows but that was difficult. Allura didn’t know if she had the right to do that, if she had the right to decide that it was time to move on in their grieving, time to let Keith go, time to let him and his memory back into their lives. She hadn’t been as close to Keith as Shiro, sure he had been family to her, he really had been, but not in the same way he had been to Shiro. She hadn’t loved him as Lance had. She hadn’t lost all that they had. So instead of bringing Keith up she stayed silent while the quilt and sorrow ate at her. There were a million of moments when either of them could’ve brought him up, and despite that no on ever did, his name hung in the air those moments.

Lance never really slept. He rested for a while, short hours at the time. He remembered when his Grandma has died and he would wake up thinking she was still alive. He didn’t think he could survive that this time, he didn’t think he could handle that kind of hope right now. It would only crush what little of himself he had left. So, he didn’t sleep, he hardly ate or spoke. Sometimes he slipped up and made a joke and instantly felt guilty. How could he joke when Keith was gone? When Keith, Keith, the most vibrant and daring person Lance had ever known, the most alive person Lance had ever known, was gone. He tried a little harder for the rest of the team after what Shiro had said. He joined them on missions, things slowly went back to normal and Lance wanted to scream. How could they move on? How dare they move on? As if Keith was just a past chapter in their lives, one you could after a while flip past and forget about. It wasn’t that the others didn’t grieve. They did and Lance knew that but no one seemed to be as ripped apart by this as him. As him and Shiro.

Shiro’s words of “I think he loved you too” ripped Lance apart. Had Keith really known? Had he really loved Lance too? Had they had a shot at a relationship together? Had they had, had they had, had they had… All in past tense. Why did everything have to be in past tense, why couldn’t he be allowed a relationship with Keith? The only person he had ever really loved romantically? Why did Lance have to lose everyone? If only he could go back in time and tell Keith, maybe Keith would’ve stayed then. Maybe he wouldn’t have left if he knew, really knew, Lance felt the same. Oh, why had he left if Shiro was right and he had known that Lance was in love with him. Why would he turn his back on the relationship they could’ve had? Lance couldn’t figure it out. If he had known Keith was in love with him. If he had known well he would’ve done anything to come back to Keith, to share a life, a future, a relationship, a something with Keith. Maybe Lance had just not been enough. Maybe he had just not been enough to matter in the grand scheme of things to Keith.

Lance said curled up in Red when he heard the guns on the ship fire off, he perked up in his seat on the floor. Where they being attacked? He opened the com centre in Red when her engine suddenly roared to life and she started trashing around the hangar. She broke out of the shaft ad flew right out in space with a confused and scared Lance inside her.

The Galra ship was approaching with terrifying speed and showed no signs to slow down no matter how much they shot at it. The team was tense, this was the first attack directly on the castle since Keith’s death and his absence and quick thinking was hanging clear in the air. Shiro choked on air a few times when he was giving order but no one mentioned it. The ship easily avoided all shots and Shiro knew they needed Lance, they needed their sharpshooter. He motioned for Allura to call for him.

“Lance, Lance, we need you in the castles control room, we are being attacked!” There was no response and when she tried again they saw Red flying out between the castle and the ship. They watched how Red approached the ship and then all of a sudden turned around and started attacking the castle.

“Lance! What are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything, it’s Red, she has gone crazy!”

“Try to get control of her!”

“I can’t, she won’t let me!”

“Keep her distracted Lance, and I’ll fire the big canon on the ship”

“Okay!”

And while the rest of the team attacked the ship in vain to distract Red, Allura prepared the big canon. It only took one blast from it to tear the ship to pieces and when it had they watched how Red dove forward into the wreaks of it.

“Why would Red turn on us, Allura?”

“I don’t know Shiro, maybe she has taken a hit we haven’t noticed and we- “ She stopped and looked out to Red, “- what on Altea is going on?” ´

Red had opened her mouth and was taking in pieces of the ship into it.

They heard Lance make a sound between a sob and a scream and Shiro immediately ordered the others to their lions.

“No, no, no it’s fine,” Lance sobbed out. “I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s- it’s- it’s Keith.”

There was a long pause and then Pidge’s voice choked by hope whispered. “Keith?”

Part 1 | Part 3

#klance fanfic #vld fanfic #klance #broganes #keith #linn writes

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survivor-iceland · 4 years

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Ep. 3 - “hopefully failure does not turn into fracture” - John

Dylan C

oh nvm, it was Jack lol

Timmy

I was half a second from muting Ellie on my own during the tribal. Also JACK LEFT 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

John

first vote, check. first blindside, check. feels good knowing i helped spearhead the vote flip from stephen onto jack, but if jack comes back he might be out for blood. luckily enough for us worms, the vote morphed into a 7/1 landslide, so he might come after maynor or stephen or keith before me and my peeps. but only time will tell.

Timmy

ELLIE DRINK WATER CHALLENGE, DO THAT CHALLENGE

Keith John

Last night was a tough vote. Jack made people paranoid. Even though i wanted him to stay. No one in my alliance felt easy with him. Even though i wanted jack around as he was good in chllenge and wanted to work with me. But it is what it is.

Raffy

I finally managed to get into an alliance with Ellie and Timmy. Though it is not the biggest, I feel confident that these two will serve me well, at least in the premerge. It's called the Just Go For It Alliance, courtesy of Timmy. And we almost got caught forming it because of Cormac which is iconic. Speaking of him, I don't really know what to make of him. He's very... weird. Like it's hard talking to him, but I feel the same way about Keith so whatever. Plus, I don't really trust Cormac considering he basically made a day 1 alliance with two people on my tribe and Sierra. I need to keep an attentive eye on him.

Ellie

I am so immensely thankful for the tribe call last night. It was filled with things I needed to hear, of course we joked around with the fact that I can’t turn on a stove but I was also so thankful for the amazing people in the call making sure that I take care of myself which I haven’t been doing lately. Life has been really hard on me and it feels like a never get a break, sometimes I neglect taking care of myself because I feel that I physically and mentally can’t. I function on caffeine and I get 2-5 hours of sleep on a good night. Last night was kind of a wake up call because I learned that I am putting myself in danger by neglecting myself and my needs. It was really hard for me to accept that but I feel like I have bonded with these people BEYOND the game, they feel like my family now. Life sucks and I get really unmotivated sometimes and can’t bring myself to get out of bed or even eat, but I’ve gotten a lot better and I hope to continue getting better and the people in that call have already played a huge part in that by motivating me to care about my wellbeing and take care of myself, I will always be thankful for that.

Raffy

I feel like I am bonding well with people? It's hard to get a read on some of them, but I think it's fine for now. Other than that, John came up to me asking for a game bond that I thought we already have. Either way, that seems to be my way into an alliance with him. Hopefully we can grow our numbers and build a trustworthy yet powerful group. We're suspecting a swap pretty soon so I hope that I've bonded with the right people in order to be successful.

Dylan C

I haven’t been socializing enough lately with anyone, and wasn’t going to today but then today was Yikes so. I did miss the tribe call for the challenge because I was on the phone with my friend. Maybe I could’ve made it but eh. Hopefully that one point isn’t going to make or break us. And if it did, well I’ve also done a lot for this challenge already soooo

Ellie

I’m going to be picking flour out of my eyebrows for days

Raffy

I hope we win the challenge. I'm kind of scared that so many things were left blank, but this has got to be enough

Dylan C

BITCH

several of us on this tribe were just on a call saying we didn't wanna vote anyone out smh

I keep agreeing when people say they can't come up with a name for tribal but I do actually have one in mind. I'd say Justin since he seems to be around somewhat less, but it's still not great. I mean, I'd rather not vote anyone

So I've talked with Raffy and Joseph and they agree w/Justin. Haven't specifically mentioned names with anyone else. Ellie says she's just going to listen, and not throw out any names. Also didn't ask my thoughts lol. I'll expand on this more when I record my next video confessional

Timmy

Ughhh we lost, I say we but like I did nothing for the challenge so I was a big contributor to the loss. But now people want justin out and like Justin wants to work with me so I’m not here for that. Honestly I have an alliance that will half the tribe after tomorrow so i would like to have a majority group with him, but I’m still in a good spot without him here. I would rather get Joseph or Dylan R out this round though.

John

okay so apparently cormac wants sierra out after stephen now which is news to me. i just agreed and nodded and was like “okay cool” bc i don’t want to draw negative attention towards myself by acting like i’m trying to protect them, but like i don’t think blindsiding them would be the best move? this game is going to get crazy quick. plus if he’s thinking of taking them out, what if all of a sudden they wanna flip on me? in engineering terms, cracks are propagating on the surface of the material, and it’s not long until failure occurs. hopefully failure does not turn into fracture.

Timmy

Joseph and I haven’t spoken in a few days yet he messages just saying “so, tribal” in bold and I’m like wtf like I’m not gonna talk to you about tribal yet, I need to see if I can trust you first.

Dylan C

What is the big risk I'm taking for the idol and risking my vote at tribal? A fucking puzzle with a shit ton of blue sky and snow, and the piece are weird and r o t a t e. I'm not getting this shit done by 11pm tomorrow! Not when I'm in classes all day, and then have DnD not long after. And I made an account to save my progress, putting my name in it so if I do finish and end up on the leaderboard for someone else to see. You know what I've got tonight? BDE. That's right: big dummy energy. At least the vote seems almost unanimous at this point, so that could easily change, but if it goes like it seems like it will then my vote won't matter too much.

Dylan C

41 minutes and 40 second in, 32%, brain is fried JustinAlright so I am a bit nervous for this tribal considering I have not been too active for this round, but I am still confident I can move the target onto someone else. I was thinking I can possibly get people to vote out Dylan R considering he has been more inactive than I have. Although, the other tribe blindsiding Jack makes me weary because it might have caused people on my tribe to make a move against a more active player. So, I need to be on my toes to make sure that is not me. Also, remember how I said I want to work with Timmy? Well I messaged that bitch asking if he wants to work with me officially, but he hasn't answered even though he has been online since I have sent the message. So, honestly I might try to target him considering he has not been super active either.

Keith John

I have been a bit busy these past few days, havnt spoken to everyone much. Good thing we won immunity. So scrambling is at its minimum. i got a feeling a swap is coming up. Makes me nervous. I dont have many connections on the other side.

Except Justin, spoke to him a few times. Raffy and Ellie I spoke to but they feel like people who talk to everyone. so I dont know if they have my back. Whilst Timmy even didnt reply to my hi. As guess he is clear about not working with me

Stephen

Hi. My name is Mr Immune, which I almost misspelt as Mt Immune, wouldn’t that be entertaining? Anyway the tribes feeling good, John and Sierra are cool, Zoes nice, Maynors nice but oddly distant. Everythings middle of the road atm, nothing great but nothing sucky. I’ll probably try and cruise for a bit on social connections until swap or something equally spicy pops up.

Maynor

I have continued doing the puzzles and I have 3 of them left. Hopefully the idol isnt found yet. We’ll see. Im so happy we were able to win immunity cuz i was slowly freaking out that Jack said my name. Atleast i just screamed inside my head and didnt become as paranois as Jack. He literally made himself the target. Everyone agreed on Stephen then his paranoia happened and it switched onto him.

P.S. ❤️ Jay

Sierra

After Jack got voted out, I was worried that we were going to lose the next challenge. I was so relieved when we actually pulled through and won! We all really worked so hard to win that one... and even though I’m in an alliance, I’d rather not have to test things again just yet.

Raffy

God I hate tribal. It’s ugly. Though I instantly have a name in mind: Justin. He’s the person I trust the least and have talked to the least. I talked to Ellie and Dylan C about it. They seemed to be on board with the whole thing. We just need one more vote which should be easy to get. After all, I am in an alliance with Timmy, so it should be easy for me to get four votes. I’m just hoping that he doesn’t have an idol.

Last night, I was talking to Dylan a little bit. Apparently, they are are scared that they haven’t been added to any alliances and they feel like alliances are being made. So I suggested making an alliance with them and I. They’re in a vulnerable position which is great for me since it means they’ll be more willing to work with me. After tribal, I’m hoping that we can create an alliance together with some other people. I’m excited!!!

Ellie

So it’s between Justin and Dylan R and I have the deciding vote?? More drama coming soon

Justin

Ok these bitches are making me mad. I approached Ellie and Dylan C for alliances. Luckily, they both said yes to individual alliances, but as soon as I brought up the idea for all of us to join together plus Raffy they go mute. That is definitely concerning, but I brought up Dylan R’s name to all three as a target this vote and I can only hope they stick to their word to vote them out. I also made an official alliance with Keith, and he spilled the beans that he has been talking to Raffy a bit which makes me nervous. However, I have changed my stance on Raffy because he actually talks to me quite a lot. But, I am aware he is definitely playing this game hard and is talking to almost everyone. That is why I want to keep him close for the time being and then perhaps blindside him in a swap or early merge. Back to Keith tho, he is ITCHING to make a move. He told me it is his first time playing an ORG and he definitely wants to blindside people which as long as it ain’t me I’m good.

Joseph Collins

Me and Elle have been working so good together. I hope she doesn’t stab me in the back lol. The tribe consensus was Justin but I flipped them all to Dylan r. Blindsideeeeee coming. Hahahahaha. *evil laugh* *winky face

Joseph Collins

Lemme break down how I flipped the vote. I just told Dylan c that “look. I respect you. And I’d want someone to do this for me. The tide’s changing and I think the vote is gonna be Dylan R tonight. I don’t want you to be left out of a vote because I wanted to work with you so I feel like you should know” that establishes trust and kinda gets Dylan to switch her vote

John

i’m ready to make a legitimate move in this game. but it’s all about timing. our best move, if we lose again, is sending stephen outta here. WITH THAT BEING SAID, it’s on after that. bring on the bloodbath. not everything will be happy go lucky for long.

Joseph Collins

I orchestrated this blindside and took no credit in my voting message. Like a true mastermind. *maniacal laugh*

Justin

Biiiiiiiitch. I just found out bitches have been conspiring against me cuz of the time zone difference. So, I was right for being paranoid omg. The person who initially told me was Joseph of all people which was shocking since I probably talk to him the least besides Dylan R. But, I’m glad he did and then Timmy further confirmed it which I’m like hello again Timmy it’s been a bit bud. From what they have told me is that the majority is still on Dylan R. and I talked to Dylan C. about the vote and I straight up talked about the time zone difference not being an issue. They said they have a friend in Scotland so it doesn’t bother them so if at least those three and myself vote Dylan R. then I should be good.

Raffy

The tribe has switched their mentality and have decided to go with Dylan R. with this vote which I am fine with considering he does not talk to me at all either. Plus, Justin came up to me asking if we could align together in this game which is always a good sign. So, I was more inclined to keep him throughout the day. Either way, I think I should be safe at this tribal council.

Zoe

I’m a wild bitch.

For the scavenger hunt challenge, I definitely got a tattoo (of the water tribe symbol from avatar, don’t @ me) for a whopping 20 points, and we definitely won the challenge. While riding on that high I accidentally talked about the idol hunt and got a strike from the god-host, which made me feel like the ultimate failure. Other than that, I have several strong alliances which I am confident in going into the swap.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/gpUevTrixLo

https://youtu.be/_Qpn_dE6fxs

Not feeling like typing this up in detail but the vote has now changed to Dylan R and I’m down with/that. I talked to some people about it and they agree. Joseph messaged me and was like “I feel I have to tell you since you said you wanted to vote Justin.” I was like “that’s sweet but I already knew.” And kinda tried to play it off after that like I’m a little worse at socializing than I actually am but idk how well that worked. I really should’ve made this confession 5 hours ago but oh well. (Those videos were filmed almost 12 hours ago).

Dylan C

I actually finished the fucking puzzle and I can’t believe it. Also if I hadn’t, it would’ve counted against me next tribal, not tonight’s. Either way, I’m not losing that vote via that puzzle babey.

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davepainchaud-blog · 7 years

Text

Three Big Things

It’s gotten to the point where not stating where you are in a political sense is almost the same as a tacit approval of the current state of affairs. Since that isn’t acceptable to me, I’d just like to make a few things clear in case anything close to that could come across as plausible or possible. I guess my point in doing something like this is that people, especially those that don’t know you very well, tend to make assumptions about who and what you are and those assumptions are often erroneous. My thinking is I’d like to get this off my chest, just so nobody will take me for either the Republican or Democrat I am not (I remain an independent that leans heavily left). I just get the sense that at this time it is fairly important to declare unambiguously what you are and what you are not. I’d also like to state up front that I have many friends that do not share my perspective. In these hyper-politicized times that can be a source of friction, but I think it is to their credit (and mine) that we navigate these disagreements fairly easily because I know they are people of good will and apparently they think I am as well. Nothing that I am about to write is an attack on them or anybody else, although it should be recognized that there is a political and values based conflict going on (and that this conflict has always been going on in one form or another, it just seems more accentuated these days). Also, the nature of conflicts is that the intended goal is for a set of ideas to ascend and become the norm and that others whither and disappear, so in that sense, virtually any philosophy anybody holds at any time IS a threat to the values of others and their way of life. Mine are more than likely a threat to yours and yours are probably a threat to mine – there’s no real way to get around that as most philosophical stuff tends to be mutually exclusive. With all that said, here we go…

Nationalism is front and center these days and it’s something that I oppose deeply. Not just American nationalism, but anybody’s. Chinese nationalism (scary), Russian nationalism (also scary), North Korean nationalism (really scary) and even English, French and German nationalism. Tribalism, adherence and absolute loyalty to a state has led directly to two world wars. The problem is once you buy in and your group becomes “the best” or “the greatest country” that means that everybody else’s isn’t, and if they’re not… then why are they deserving of etc, etc, etc? It’s the slipperiest of slippery slopes that although well-intentioned leads directly to the over-generalized stereotypes of entire populations and racial groups. It also leads to authoritarianism and militarism (whenever anybody’s flag flies anywhere in the world, the military is right there as the supposed “protector of the people” and as the clear and obvious last line of defense of a world view and its truths, whatever those may be), which is why the impulse is so concerning among historians. Nationalism elevates all the symbols of the state while quashing free speech. The foundation of virtually any intellectual pursuit and the understanding of our universe depends upon the ability to ask questions. When no idea is above scrutiny and everything is and can be on the table, we have a chance to really get somewhere. Nationalism makes some lines of inquiry impossible because they are deemed an act of disloyalty that cannot be tolerated. Amazingly, Americans fall for this sort of thing and apparently don’t have the education to understand the dangers involved. Nation states, at best, are political contrivances, but for many belonging to the group is easier and more comfortable than the challenge of being a truly free individual capable of reaching their own conclusions. When you see tremendous amounts of flag waving going on and arguments being made only in terms of whether an individual has proven themselves sufficiently loyal to the state, or the symbol or the song or to the group in question, it’s time to start asking lots of questions about the rational being proffered and what the group consists of and what it’s rejecting (which often includes supposed members of the group in question - there’s nothing like a good purge every now and again to keep people in line).

Guns are in the news. I oppose their ownership… outright. As circumspect of any authority as I am, the only people I want to have armaments are the police. I oppose weapons pretty much in any form, but especially the most obviously efficient and violent forms. On some level supporting guns is supporting the means by which violence can be done – there’s really no way around that. I do not believe in a right to have armaments in order to kill other beings at this point in history. Not only should we not own them, we should not want to own them. We should strengthen police to the point where they are a reliable organization that protects the populace from any threat in which violence might be required. We should be running for pacifism with every fiber of our beings. Would that be perfect? Of course not – there is no perfection in human affairs. “What do you want, Dave? Utopia?” Well yes, I do, but knowing that that is not possible I’m willing to settle for the idea that it is a worthy, albeit unachievable, goal. “But Dave, what about the 2nd Amendment?” The Constitution can and should be changed. No document can be frozen in time and be expected to function properly (one of the worst constitutional arguments being that of “originalism”). What was true of the world in 1787 is not true today. We have come to learn that we live in relativistic universe in which change is constant and language, intent and meaning are forever evolving depending upon the times and the context. It is the responsibility of our society to be constantly interpreting and adapting the Constitution to present circumstances. If it is true that we are what we know, then when the body of knowledge changes as it continually does, we have a responsibility to change as well. The sole purpose of weaponry is to kill people – there is nothing about that that can be defended. Some will argue that removing all guns cannot be done. That’s probably true, but an enormous percentage could be. It would take a while. That’s okay, let it take a while. The result will be better than mass killings on a monthly or daily basis. I’ll take the improvement and a society in which people do not find their views empowered by the ability to enforce those views with violence or the threat of violence.

Many things hold human beings back, but there is no cultural blind spot quite as dangerous as our loyalty to Bronze and Iron Age beliefs in a fundamentalist sense, which reinforce and justify the arguments made for the above societal issues. People will (and do) believe anything and the vast majority are willing to buy into the idea that a creator deity in a literal sense (basically an invisible being, which we are told would actually look like us if it were visible, which is both convenient and lacks imagination) has made the universe and controls their lives. Naturally the evidence for this claim cannot be verified - faith being a nice way of saying “Believe what I’m telling you because... I told you so.” There have been any number of gods throughout history, worshiped by many cultures, and yet, apparently all of those are false, because only the one the faithful are currently being told to worship is the real one. Like nationalism, religious faith, according to many, cannot be scrutinized – there can be no rational process like those used in every other aspect of our lives, there can only be obeisance. This, by itself, gives permission to otherwise normal people, by the billions globally, to believe in things that border on the delusional and crazy. I think it was Sam Harris that once stated that If you wake up in the morning and think that saying some kind of magic words over your pancakes will turn them into Elvis Presley, you have lost your mind. But if you do pretty much the same thing with a cracker and the body of Jesus, you’re just a Catholic. It reminds me of the Salem witch trials in the sense that at that time when the faithful were lighting people on fire they were not doing so because they were craven monsters but because they sincerely believed that by torching their fellow humans that they were actually doing them a favor by ridding them of possession by witches and sending their souls to heaven. Today, we think of them as having gone ‘round the bend, but we’re mistaken to think so - these were sober people, the pillars of the community, who sincerely thought they were doing the right thing and... if you actually believe all the dogma that they bought into, then it actually follows a certain logic. If you buy crazy thing A and crazy thing B which leads naturally enough to crazy things C, D & E... well then, lighting people on fire seems the prudent thing to do. We hold this conceit that we’re better people and that we’d never do anything so off the rails as buy into crazy thing A to begin with.... Yeah? I’m not so sure. Not only are we capable of great evil, good luck slowing us down once we’ve allowed ourselves to turn some poor minority into an other and a threat - we can, and have, justified virtually anything.

Look, I understand that human beings have always needed creation myths because the cold, dark universe was incomprehensible and scary. We needed order and a sense that we at least had some oblique control over things. We’ll believe anything rather than be honest with ourselves and face the fact that we are alone and have very little in the way of answers. In the end, we prefer a comforting lie to a truth that leaves us uncertain. I also comprehend the fact that many were indoctrinated into various religions as kids, but that’s an incredibly weak excuse - we have to outgrow this nonsense and recognize that the world can be understood and that only we, and our ability to use the tools of inquiry, can make our world a better place. It’s important to note that WE can make the world a better place, not an invisible man that lives in the sky. What I would ask of you is, beware of any philosophy or ism that requires no questions or scrutiny as the price of admission. Whenever you see that, and you will if you look, it’s time for the bullshit detector to be turned on and running strong because somebody is bamboozling somebody else. No idea is, or can be, above scrutiny.

So, when somebody says with an abundance of pride that their governing values are God and country, what do you think I make of that? I don’t judge them as somehow an irredeemable lost cause as they may be a good person in many respects, but it’s also fairly clear according to all I have been able to learn of this world and our shared history that there is a fair chance that they are deeply misguided in some fundamental way, at least at present. The level of pride with which this statement is often made, as if such a view were unassailable, saddens me because in such an utterance I see nothing but a source of shame - a person happily and purposefully aligning themselves with the worst aspects of the human animal.

Look, I recognize that you may find much of the above jarring and something with which you disagree with violently, but we live in times when we often hold back to avoid a fight (I do it all the time) and although that’s not a bad idea, it also seems prudent to let there be no doubt what your positions are on the major topics of the day. So, you can say all sorts of lousy things about me, but I don’t think you can say, “That Dave Painchaud guy… I just don’t know where he stands…” If nothing else, you have to at least give it up to me for being unambiguous.

#theresistance #nationalism #gun control #atheism

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standardstate-blog · 4 years

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After 15 years, I still think Java has not evolved for the better. In fact I hate it now.

Yup! I said it. I really hate Java now. I mean, really.

Maybe I'm too old and completely lost the plot, maybe I am simply not relevant anymore as a developer, maybe I just "don't get it" or maybe I am a dumbass. Whatever it is, I have many issues with it now and I need to get some of that off my chest to at least have the feeling I am not crazy, or at least not so much.

Annotations.

A couple of years ago (actually more like 15), annotations were introduced and at the beginning, I though they were a great idea. I still do. Now I hate them, and that's not the language's fault. The problem is that many frameworks and tools make way too much use of them. The original idea in part was to remove a lot of boilerplate code and allow the devs to focus on what actually needed to get done. But nowadays, in many frameworks, THAT'S ALL YOU SEE!! Yep, you simply open up a class where the main function should be and all you see is 37 different annotations that invisibly define what this application does. There is one line of code in the main method, and the rest is taken on by magic by all the different annotations. Some of those scan packages for other classes that also have annotations, and so on. So instead of making the code simpler, it almost completely hides the basic structure of how the app is wired and unless you know exactly what all these annotations imply, you're pretty much stuck spending a lot of time figuring it out. None of that is more intuitive or simpler. Annotations are like a hammer, you can use it to build a house or punch yourself in the dick. The current frameworks are punching devs in the dick with annotations. Ouch ...

Masquerading as a functional language.

Face it Java, you are not the belle of the ball anymore. You are an old, verbose, bloated, object oriented ancestral language. That's it. No amount of lipstick will make that pig any more attractive. Own it.

20 years ago, object oriented programming was THE way to go as far as programming went. Everything was transitioning from older languages to the newer more maintainable (apparently, which is BS, but that's for another blog post) OOP options. At that time it made perfect sense. Internet was booming and more and more applications became web applications. We started banking online, we started using email in the browser and companies were letting go of more traditional desktop apps in favor of more modern solutions. Java and .NET were right in the center of that revolution. And it made perfect sense. Object oriented langages were so very well adapted to work with relational databases. Mapping your domain classes to the relational model was somewhat simple and intuitive. Not without its challenges, but very very adequate.

And that was absolutely fine. I coded more applications with Struts (remember the good ol' days ?) and Hibernate than I care to remember. And I had a blast, it was a great challenge and you could really leverage the power of object oriented programming. You could (when applicable) leverage many design patterns and make really elegant, testable and maintainable code. Ok, you had 1200 xml configuration files that had 5000 lines on average. That's what it was and it was an OK tradeoff, you could work with that. But that was before Twitter, Facebook, Linkedin and many other web applications you probably never heard of that take in a lot of user provided data. That was before you could have millions of users hitting your app and services, before Big Data, before NoSQL's explosion, the commercial use of machine learning and AI, and the emergence of the 3 big cloud providers (AWS, GCP, Azure).

Where am I going with this ? Well it's relatively simple. The market, the devs, the communities and tools started broadening their horizons and using different tools to meet the new needs. Spark was coded with Scala, Docker and Kubernetes are coded with Go and many machine learning tools and libraries are coded with Python, to only name that one. What these languages have in common is the functional component which Java does not have. And that's OK in my book. But in trying to stay relevant I guess, they added many functional aspects to the language that simply don't have their place in my opinion. It really feels like they ran out of ideas and simply want to jump on that functional hype train so they can still think it's really popular.

When I was introduced to Java, they took great pride in saying that it was a pure or exclusively object oriented language. That's what I was expecting it to remain. And I am not one of the purists that would lose their shit over the fact that it had primitives like ints, doubles, etc ...

The SDK is not enough to even get started.

This one really grinds my gears. You can't even get started coding a minimally decent application without 37 tools. Simply having the SDK installed on your workstation barely gets you out of the gate. What you need aside from that is :

A build tool

Yep, in 2019, you need to install either (from what I know, there might be more) Gradle, Maven or Ant (if you enjoy pain) if you want to build your project. Yes, you can compile with javac provided with the SDK, but that's pretty much it. You have to find some way to automate the rest of the building process, hence the use of a 3rd party tool.

A unit test framework

Yep, that as well in 2019 still slips through Java's fingers. I don't get it. Why ? Unit testing is built it in to several languages, and that has been the case for many years now. Check out this list to see what languages have built-in support for unit testing. You will notice that Go and Rust are present, along with Python.

On this one I need to be honest though, if I hadn't coded in Go for 3 years before returning to Java, I probably never would have had an issue with how it's unit tested. But then again, it's refreshing to go look elsewhere to see what other ideas people are having to realize that what you are currently using isn't the bee's knees as much as you thought. It is so much simpler to just start coding and creating your tests without having to import this and that and the other thing. All is already set up and ready. No need to modify class paths or ignore files or folders, no configuration whatsoever. I had that before, and not any more and I miss it so much.

Some kind of JSON / XML parser

You would figure that someone would have had the idea to add built-in parsing for JSON and XML by now. There are very few moments when you won't at least load some configuration in one of those 2 formats. Simplifying that would actually bring a lot of value to the developers and would save quite a lot of time.

Bloating caused by being bloated, verbose and verbose about being bloated ...

That I can say infuriates me the most. Why all this code and all those dependencies ? Why all that inexplicable bloating ?

I did a quick test with Spring Boot, which is supposed to be the standard for magnificent, quick and easily maintainable services. Like magic they said .. Well, not so much. To even get 1 endpoint that did a hello world kinda thing I needed 11 files and a little under 400 lines of code and configuration .. Almost feels like a React app o_O . And still using xml files to configure 27 million things, in 2020, is not part of the solution by any means.

And I haven't built it yet, which will probably fail and take 10 minutes .. be right back ..

Ok, so the build did not fail, but the resulting war file was a staggering 20 Megabytes. Again, for 1 endpoint that answers "Hello World". Is it just me ? Am I being a real prick ? Am I the asshole ? What bit did I not understand that makes me not think this is normal ? Plus that war file does not run independently, it needs to run in some container or server thing to be of any use to anybody. Which leads me up to my next point ...

Create actual executables already !!

One of the most amazing parts of Go is that it builds an executable that has all the dependencies included. Plain and simple. So if you are building a CLI application, simply run the executable. Same for a a REST service, simply build it with your desired options and there you have it, an executable that will run your service. No Tomcat, no Jersey thing, no additional tool required. Just run it. That not only simplifies the development process, but also the conainterizing of whatever it is you are building. With the same Go example, you can use "scratch" as a base for your container and simply copy the built binary and it will run fine, no other dependencies. This makes for very lightweight containers that build very fast.

Nobody gives a crap about the 'build once run anywhere' thing. At least I don't.

That argument is also a dead one to me. I never leveraged that in any way shape or form, ever. I never went to a colleague and said : "Thank god we can run this jar anywhere, we would have been fucked otherwise.". I just don't see why they went through all that trouble with the runtimes and the this and that.

I coded for several years with a language that had to be built for a specific platform, and it never caused any headaches. We either built with the provided switches for the target platform, or even better, on the exact Docker container in which it is intended to run. Plus, .NET only runs on Windows and it is very well adopted by a large community of developers that do wonderful things.

If you're into AI or machine learning, you most likely aren't using Java.

That's a big thing nowadays, adding AI and machine learning to whatever service you are putting out there. And if you want to leverage any of the most popular platforms or libraries, you'll have to make use of some functional language, usually Python or R. That's just how it is. Other languages than Java are far better suited for that type of computing. So even if you want to keep a Java only stack in your organization, you'll get some limitations on the type of tools you can actually integrate.

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