#its my fault over and over again and i just cant do it. i cant take more of this but i also cant take the alternative

[dogboots]

blog that makes me happy vs nobody will ever take me seriously here as long as I post the way I do

#mousetalk #im aware that a lot of my biggest interests are for children. thats why this main blog looks like a seven year old designed everything #im also aware of how silly i tend to look to anybody who isnt myself. 'adult who likes things for children“ isnt really something you Want #to be known as because this makes you look stupid to folks who do not have or understand the childish stuff #which is pretty understandable. i do look silly taking cartoon dogs seriously and being converned over toy rabbits feelings and whatnot #im not so oblivous as to pretend that i dont lol #i just wish i could enjoy these things and still be taken seriously! im not angry at people for deciding they wont or deciding they dont #like me or deciding im some sort of strange freak who will never grow up. its valid when you consider the everything else about me. #just wish it didnt have to mean that any and all footholds i have in adult spaces werent null and void you know #itd be nice if the two things could coexist. #im really only rambling in the tags like this because having this childish blog as my main ends with me being blocked a Lot #which again! im not mad about! people can choose to interact with who they like and form whatever opinions they want #im just a little sad is all. i have plenty of (mature even!) interests outside of things like stickers or stuffed animals but i cant really #interact with these things here without somebody inevitably looking my way and going oh. another immature person. goodbye #or just assuming that im a child trying to wiggle my way into adult spaces by claiming i am one. according to 1 ask i recieved a while back #i dont know. this really isnt much of a complaint is it. 'people dont take my stuffed animals seriously' is about as stupid of a problem as #it gets haha #maybe someday ill suck it up and rebrand and stop talking about baby animals on my main blog #so i could finally follow a blog for something like a horror game franchise without being blocked on sight #or greeted reluctantly and with an eyeroll haha #TLDR; if this blog stops being happy funtimes it is nobodys fault but my own for being spineless about my own interests lol #i doubt anybody is reading this wall of text (hello if you are) but dont take anything i said in here personally #enjoy what you want to enjoy. dont let me or anybody else dictate that when your life on earth is so short #this is more just me with my own trivial issues that dont matter in the grand scheme of things #okay goodnight everybody thats it for the time being

[skitskatdacat63]

@ all my irl friends atm, so sorry, can't hang out, I'm too tired of participating in normal society

#i just feel burnt out from interacting in real life lately #sorry to ghost 😭 #my friend is like when do you wanna hang out!! #never :) #but i feel bad cause its not anyones fault but mine #but my brain cant bear it #'do you wanna come over to mine tmr?' no but how about coming over anf watching me stagnate in my bed LMAO #i just think i wont be able to like be a productive member of society until school starts again #im just burnt out of life 😭 #like im not particularly depressed atm just very i guess emotionally heavy at time #feel very happy abt solitude i guess!! #i think a month of going out every day needs ro be balanced w being a cave gremlin for a month #catie.rambling.txt

[just-spacetrash]

🫥

#bereal is ruining my lifeeeeeeee urghhhhhhhhhhh #all my friends are like having a lovely dinner or something apparently</3 while im at home all alone #and like i know im not as close to them as they are with each other i know #and i understand and i know its my fault for not reaching out and shit i knowwwww #i just dont like seeing the reminders fsgdgdhhd #and i cant even reassure myself with 'oh obviously theyll see eachother more often than u do u live in another city' #but few of them live in another city too😭😭 #i know im not a home dinner friend... it just hurts to see again and again #im trying my best but i dont even know how id become a home dinner friend #not heartbreak of a night but like. a bummer of a night anyway #public diary moment over im gonna watch video essays #my post

[meateater-lamb]

(dont read the tags actually)

#vent #god this year has been so fucking hard man #and things have been so strained with my friend #and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they? #cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything #and acting really weird #and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore #they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow #like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well #until the last like year #and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore #and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just. #not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger #and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired. #i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way. #and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough #im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore #they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling #meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything #im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again. #they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore #but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling #but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time #ugh idk #dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk. #i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it #probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway #moon

[kaoharu]

got sad again sorry

#i miss my close irls very much #i wonder if i had handled the situation differently back then if we'd still be friends #or maybe i wldnt have accidentally burned bridges w both of them #and sometimes i wonder what my other friends know abt what happened #which side of the story do they know ? hers ? theirs ? most definitely not mine though #i know no one has commented on it but the shift in relationship dynamics was very obvious #hmm #anyways #i swear ive gotta let things go but its so hard even if other people involved tell me its not my fault #and that she doesnt hate me and that she apparently wants to be friends w me still #and even they reached out to me again i cant even say i want their company anymore. which seems contradictory but like #their views have changed so much after what happened they completely go against my own #hhhhhh #maybe i can get over it once i graduate #i want to meet new people #anyways sorry this is a lot wtf #i just had to type it out tho. whatever lol #rant #or smth idk

[red-dyed-sarumane]

my friend asked me to put together all the ways oumen & apoptosis are connected as songs today & i love those two so naturally ive been on this since i woke up & after really going thru the lyrics Yet Again i think i FINALLY have my answer about tenshi's song right.

so basically we know the nami no ne no motif from aru sekai shoushitsu being present in a song means whoever in the song is still a "person"/still has their free will & gets to continue into the next loop. standard info. in all the other songs this is mixed into the instrumental, the only times its sung are in shoushitsu of course & in oumen mokushiroku. didnt think much of it when the song first came out bc like yeah thats just whats in series songs. but more & more across various songs, shoushitsu, apoptosis, kanon, oumen itself it talks about sacrifice & implies that sacrifice was a permanent death. oumen as a whole is her not wanting to accept that sacrifice role, she doesn't have a choice in it, but she doesnt want it either, (& apoptosis being it was originally that girl who was supposed to be the sacrifice but she pushed it off on someone else, therefore is the reason tenshi's song goes the way it does in the first place)

so then why does she have the motif if everything else including her herself say that she dies permanently.

i propose to u my newest theory.

the whole song is her wishing she had more time, not wanting to do it, she wants to live. so. since she's specifically singing it. im willing to bet its a last wish of hers. that somehow, someway, she still has enough free will to counteract the act of sacrifice, if she wishes hard enough, if she holds enough of her own desires, then maybe against everything, she'll get to live on into the next loop. basically, not a sign that she Does live, rather, just that she desperately WANTS to

#aru sekai series #no joke ive been tearin up over her all day why is her song so painful #SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. WHY. WHY DID IT HAPPEN LIKE THIS. WHY #<- literally the end of apoptosis #apoptosis just looooves to cause problems until the one person she refuses to admit she cares about get caught in it #apoptosis is her own beast & u put the two of these together & im just in emotional overload. #apoptosis lying & saying shes in it for the other when shes just thinking of herself #until the other gets taken away from her without a chance to even say anything about it #& she just cant handle that #& u have tenshi who wants nothing more than to make it out alive with her taking her place & dying & in the end it changes nothing #im so fucking upset she wanted to LIVE she tried to lie to herself & say at least it might absolve everyones sins of carrying out this #project & it doesnt do a damn thing #she was SCARED she DIDNT want this she just desperately wants to live & see the other again & THEY KILLED HER...... #honestly apoptosis is so in the right to have a breakdown over it. its like half her fault but like. a breakdown is #the only correct response i think #kanon feels guilty but she doesnt seem to outwardly show that very much #so like. yeah i would also lose my mind if someone i was close to got killed for no reason & everyone just acted like it was nothing #i feel like im finally starting to come to terms with like labo's & yamete's deaths but god tenshis is just so........... awful.

[autisticlee]

sometimes I think about how I was legitimately the most hated and bullied kid in my entire class, and probably entire school. I knew this as a fact. there was nothing I could do about it. not just by the kids either, but the teachers/staff as well. all because I was autistic and unable to speak and they didn't want to treat me decently. and I ask why. (rhetorically of course, because I know all the excuses given as answers)

being an autistic kid and knowing damn well this is true, that you're the most hated person in the entire building with not a single person on your side, knowing you're the main target for everyone's aggression every day, is....truly something. you know. like carrying the weight of everyone's hatred and negativity on your back alone, being their punching bag, internalizing their hatred for then. from ages 4 to 18. nonstop. never getting better. never knowing why. not being able to stop it. never getting any help. on your own and alone. blamed for it all.

yet i'm simply told to "get over it/stop caring" and get blamed for it fucking me up and having a lasting effect. lmao ok. let me just forget more than half my life existed at this point and magically get better! thanks!

#those assholes are lucky I didn't have the heartless soul to take revenge on them or something. #instead it just became internalized trauma 🙃 #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #school trauma #what would they have done if i lost my shit and lashed out at them???? #the most i was ever able to do was take a plastic knife and stab an apple at lunch while glaring at a table of the kids #that scared them enough to leave me alone for a few days. then theh forgot and back at it again #why is it always the victim's fault and the bullies win? even years after the fact. why cant my brain “get over it” like people tell me :/ #and yes i was able to get a therapist. no it hasnt helped yet. i do all the coping stuff she suggests already #basically distractions and whatnot. no it hasnt cured me. #she always tells me i have good coping mechanisms. im doing a good job. i deal with things reallt well. ok why am i still a mess 🙃 #its almost as if theres no cure and only pretending #what am i rambling about. this sounds like an emotional rant but i genuinely feel nothingness atm. just reminiscing how fucked up it all was #why were things like that allowed to be put onto one single child and why did they never get any help or justice and are blamed #s i g h s #also ive always felt like no one believed me when i said i was the most hated and bullied kid at school. it is 100% true lmao unfortunately

[luxsea]

i don't play ffxiv i play a dress up and oc rotation sim

#olive.txt #once again cant be motivated to do the msq #and its not the msqs fault i just have horrible party anxiety #every time im getting somewhere i gotta pull the bandaid off all over again #but then ill spend WEEKS maxing out my racing choco or grinding pvp for that one cute hair #ill do a side thing to get pumped and then just do that side thing #must be nice. progressing a game :)

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

my brother keeps being a bitch on purpose and it's really not helping

#my therapist says hes probably doing to feel better about himself and it's like. fuckin hell dude #because like. look im not saying i dont poke fun at him either right #but i like go think i dont go below the belt in terms of shit??? #like i love him im not going to call him genuinely stupid or ugly or anything. #hes good at math and pretty capable. even if he incinerated mac n cheese once and we had to get a new microwave #but he keeps going up to me like (aether) whats a×b? oh how do you not know that instantly? are you stupid? #its because (extremely personal issue) LOL (deep cutting personal issue again) #and its like look ive never been good at mental math stop being a fucking jerk over me not knowing fuckin 9×7 off the top of my head #and i keep telling him to drop it and shut up but its just spurs him on more because its funny to him #and he keeps bringing up other shit like being queer or being trans specifically because he knows its upsetting and its just fucking funny #he loves to say people with weird pronouns and think there's more than two genders should kill themselves because he knows it makes me angr #with him. and he knows im fucking queer. he knows our grandmothers queer. and he still pulls this shit #and i cant say anything because when i do i get a whole lecture about how hes my flesh and blood and i should treat him like such #and im the asshole for suggesting he act like it for once #i love my brother and im proud of his achievements but i cant keep fucking doing this #and i know its my fault because hes a stupid kid and going through typical middle school boy bullshit #and seriously getting hurt by whatever a middle schooler says is downright pathetic #but it fucking hurts to hear someone you held as a baby and defended say people like you should kill themselves #and it hurts to have them fucking push a topic that upsets you for their own amusement #swearing cw #aethers rants #cw vent #personal posts and stuff idk

[nishibai]

an you wake up n start to cry!

#nishi vents. #because i wwill lose my shit if eeven one more person i know dies so please dont die. /lyr #dunno what thiss is aobut. but im just thinking you know #i was a therapist to my adult friend at the age of 10. i hhelsped her through sui thoughts. and i was 10. #this was quite a few yyears ago but yyou dont jjust forget thi sshit #she threatened to kkill hersefl. to a ten year old. over messaging. i fucokibg hate this i am not anyones therpeaist dont talk 2 me ever #and nnow its happening again. mmy irl firriend isnt eeating and my ooether friend caught thhekm throwing up their lunch at school. #and im scared for them but thheres nnothing i cn really do honestly. and its going to be my fault. again. i cant keep doing this #sui #tw sui #tw ed #alexis don't look #tell me if i should use anymore tags im just not ddoing goo dtoday #ask to tag

[nt3000s]

im so lucky to know so many people in my life to have met so many people in my life that are just life saving ill never not feel lucky people are so beautiful and kind and talented and funny and have so much worth everyone ive ever met anyone in my life i have ever touched i just cant believe it ill never be able to understand it how important everyone is how much i love people the degree to whihc i love people and everyone i have ever met ill just never ever be able to express the depth of how important it is to me it might be the most important part of my entire life. i just need people to know how much i love them im desperate for it to be known how important everyone ive ever met is to me. all of my friends everyone whos ever been kind to me and whoever ive been kind to it will never be lost on me how important it is. and i feel so lucky to be graced i guess by my friends. i cant imagine the life i would live without every event every person who ive ever crossed. i would never sacrifice anything to not be where i am now because of the people i know and have known. the people i know and talk to everyday or the people i see in a notification or pass by. i cant overstate your importance to me. i cant overstate how important i want people to feel. i want people to see themselves how i see them. i can not overstate your importance to me and i love you. im so lucky ill never be able to take it

#i just want ti go to sleep but i cant my sleep schedule has been so miserably depressing me #not that badly. i cherish every moment i have with the people around me and i cherish how lucky i am to be surrounded by such unbe #lievable people. i am happy everyday because people love me. #this will never be lost on me. the importance of it. the importance you all have will never ever be lost on me. your worth as a human being #you are so kind. you are so talented. you are loved by people because you are seen by people that way. i will never lose this #im miserably desperate for everyone i know to feel loved or to know that i love them. nothing will ever ever ever in my whole fucking life #ever be more important to me #nothing in my fucking life will ever be more important than that. please know how much you mean to this. to everything #i dont know what changed but i cry so often now and every single time my thoughts wander to how deeply i feel about this #im just sobbing and sobbing and im like. i love the people that care for me. i love the people i care for #i know when i stop crying or when the day rolls over i get to talk to everyone again. and i feel so lucky. i feel so desperate to explain it #how. much. it. means. to me. How badly i mean this and everything I say. #i dont fucking care if yoire my mutual from fandom or someone who random followed because my blog was funny #someone i talked to once or twice. you mean so much. i swear to god. ill never be mpre genuine or more serious. i guess #thats very kind of you to do that. or like my posts or anything. youre very kind for that. you mean alot to me. #i just dont want to fall asleep when the sun rises and wake up with a few hours to talk to people before im alone #i really hate it right now. and my neutral state has genuinely just been on the brink of crying. like if i sit still too long i just sob #thats genuinely how i have been for the past few days #and thats not the fault of anyone its just how my brain has been treating me #but whdn i get like this i just remember how lucky i feel about everything. like the depth of my feelings #you really just have to trust me when i say like how forever sincere and deep snd monumental it is to me. like please understand the depth #of when i say i love you. dear god i love everyone ive ever met i love you. please please please please understand how desperate i am #i will never ever feel more strongly about anything. i cant imagine it #i have to make this exact same fucking post over and over again #i need to keep saying it man #i need people to love themselves like i love them #the degree to which i say the word need #anyway. i love you. i hope you have fun or are happy about something. or draw write something nice. talk to your best friend. something

[infizero]

thinking about dl!scar makes me sad for many reasons but one of the worst is thinking about him knowing far too well that grian is unhappy with him and just having to live with that

#they make my brain melt. and srry in advance cause what im about to say is like mainly the shit i made up but bear w me #anyways #like. scar loves him. and grian makes it very obvious that he isnt happy being soulmates with him #and scar just has to go around knowing that. he doesnt WANT grian to be unhappy but there isnt anything he can really do about it #he didnt make them be soulmates #and yet he gets punished for it anyway as if its his fault #also notice i never said grian doesnt love him. its the soulmate thing he doesnt like #maybe if it had been someone else he had been paired with #but with it being scar its just. he cant go thru that again. he is still in that damn cactus ring and now he is literally being forced to #basically do that all over again. with the added bonus of being RESPONSIBLE FOR IF SCAR DIES which is like erm. #the WHOLE crux of why 3rd life fucked him up #i do think grian loves scar but. he loved him once and it ended in tragedy. and he just cant do that again #thats why i believe he distances himself so much from scar in double life #also i will always champion that grian would literally rather die than be forced into a monogamous relationship which is..... #basically what DL is lmao. (3L is different cause despite initially being forced to serve scar he CHOSE to love him) #so add that plus extremely complicated feelings ft. trauma concerning scar equals yeah that mf is gettin outta there!! #btw this is not at all to excuse him if u guys know me you know when it comes to life series grian i HATE HIS ASS!!! #he couldve talked to scar about this. maybe they could have worked something out! but instead he decided to be shady and inconsiderate #anyways GETTING BACK TO WHAT I WAS ORIGINALLY SAYING. #i just think about how hard it'd be to be scar in DL. like you have been forcibly paired up with the guy you love and got lowkey betrayed by #in LL (but you betrayed him too once so does it really matter? and does the bond you forged in the desert really carry over?) #and yeah you're a little annoyed and hurt he kept it from you for that long. but you're ready to work together again #it's just like back then and its great! after all you never really left monopoly mountain. but the problem is he never left the cactus ring #even though you never held it against him. it always affected him more than you didnt it? you seemed to have far different takeaways from 3L #and so now you're sitting in a patch of bamboo feeling like a useless burden (because that is what he keeps treating you as) #and you havent seen your so-called ''soulmate'' in a day #and when you do its like whatever happiness was on his face dies out and he is so painfully unhappy around you #and you both pretend there isn't a smudge of chocolate and crumbs around his mouth #serena.txt #sorry. my demons

[tortademaracuya]

Hand in unloveable hand but you can no longer ignore you are just shaking hands with yourself

#woooo time to feel hurt over things that happened years ago wooooo #i can feel hurt about loneliness and not belonging all i want but deep down the truth is its my fault #how can you complain when you are the one purposefully keeping distances #i cant ever trust again certain people for things from years ago and what they still do. but i cannot ask them to change that #if everytime you opened yourself up you ended up abandoned what point id there to keep trying #but alas. how can you ever feel happy if you dont trust anyone? are you just completely unloveable? forever to be alone with your thoughts #there is no unloveable hand to hold onto. only yours. you and yourself for ever until the end #for no one will ever truly love you #i keep trying to reach out to past friendships like a fool. but you are the only one not moving on #and even if they reach back. all the bitter feelings just grow and grow threatening to drown you #i deeply dislike people that are like 'we were born alone and you will die alone'. but loneliness among people is shit #i was alone and i am alone and i will continue being alone #because im always waiting for smth to drop #i want to feel okay for a day #haunted.txt #i wish i was someones best friend and i had someone to call a best friend back #but it never stays like that for long. i dont understand. and i feel bad lying to certain people

[archaeolitikum]

mum stop calling me challenge

#bad bitches with mommy problems ahaah whatever #i cant stand speaking to her over the phone every time im tempted to just cut contact entirely but... #i also feel like maybe its not that bad and im just exaggerating everything in my mind #but then again well . so much traumatic stuff in my life is just her fault ive spent years in therapy because of her #well. whatever #she messaged me on christmas just to tell me 'merry christmas btw your older sibling's grandmother just died' like what is wrong with you #<- my older siblings have another dad so this is a woman i never knew #and then also every time she calls me i can hear on her voice how shes close to tears which is like. well that sucks i get that you miss me #but oh my god please get the hint. i am not ready to talk to you after everything youve done #lol sorry for whining it just makes me so irritated and puts me in such a bad mood #like. i dont get anxious from it i just get annoyed that she keeps doing this and it stresses me out #i dont need more bullshit in my life #well anyways. i have a great relationship with my dad and stepmum its just my mother who is a less than wonderful person

[bulldagger-bait]

Freaking out at 4am about a doctor's appointment... Completely fine and normal and good and healthy even

#like i know she's chill but i totally fucked up my gastric emptying study by taking valium on the day and what is its not enough #to get help. to be taken seriously. #will she even believe me? are my water numbers enough or do the solid numbers disqualify me #i cant do another year of this. i cant handle it. #i fucked up. i should have just slipped meds entirely to not fuck with the results because i contaminated them #I'm terrified my GP won't listen. wont hear me out. #I'm terrified this is just going to be seen as another one of my hysteria issues #legitimately if things keep going the way they are i don't know what I'm going to do #i feel at the end of my tether #there's only so many times you can face eating and have it end the way it does for me #i cant do this again. i cant have another year of this. i cant have another year of torture. i had one good year i cant go back #food is torture right now. i want to just be normal about it but i cant and I'm so fucking stressed that i fucked up #my one chance at getting help #its agonising to want to eat but to just know that everything is going to go to absolute shit the moment you try #and its my own fault #its my fault over and over again and i just cant do it. i cant take more of this but i also cant take the alternative

[krispiecake]

currently thinking about how when i told my dad to tell my mother i would not be speaking to her until she apologised she just. straight up stopped even trying to contact me. like, not even a text. absolutely insane how much this woman refuses to admit that maybe she was wrong about how she handles some things. she cannot swallow her pride to even do this one really small basic show of respect. fucking mental.

#like…… i think she said ‘im sorry it came out rude’ right after it happened but. GIRL. #THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGISING FOR AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT. #she knows full well that what she said was inappropriate invalidating triggering and insulting #AND that i have repeatedly asked her NOT to say it over the past few years. #and yet she just says ‘sorry it came out rude’???? like not ‘im sorry i said that’ not ‘i was wrong and insulting and disrespectful of ur #boundries that youve had in place for years now’ #and like she keeps doing this again and again and again with so many fucking things #she just has no respect for my mental health issues or who i am or like just me as a person #its near constant. shes always subtly calling me dramatic and ridiculous and telling me that im stupid and that its all my fault #but the moment i try to bring up anything like this to her just just yells #and goes ‘oh i get it im a horrible mum well i tried my best and i put in so much work’ ect ect ect #like i was sharing with her biosocial theory and how i think that bcause we have never different ways of regulating out emotions #it meant i was never taught to do it properly/in a way that works for me and that combined with my autism and my trauma likely led to my bpd #and when i tried to explain that it wasnt anyones fault its just that we’re different ppl and there was no way she couldve knows #she was like ‘ohhhh so its MY fault? hm? I’M the reason youre like this!?’ #and she looks down on me so fucking much for my ed and for sh and really just for any symptoms i show bc #why cant i deal with things properly like HER. #idk its so exhausting like i just want a proper apology from my own fucking mother but no. #shes doing the exact same thing that she berates and mocks and looks down on me for. #ugh i feel like screaming