#it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all

[yauchfilms]

anything with logan and being back in florida ? would appreciate!!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

sunburn ✢ logan sargeant (18+)

pairing: logan sargeant x reader (established relationship)

warnings: smut, porn with plot (lots of exposition sorry i got carried away), one use of y/n, soft dom!logan, switchy!reader, fingering, edging, unprotected p in v, lots of pet names, begging, lots and lots of praise, body part worship if you squint, cursing, logan’s a simp, reader is implied floridian, implied childhood friends to lovers, sunburns, fluffy intimacy

summary: it’s been too long since y/n has been back in the states and she is NOT used to the florida sun like she used to be, but don’t worry, logan knows how to take care of her.

word count: 3.5k

author's note: sorry i got soooo carried away with this i don’t know what came over me. this was NOT supposed to be smut but im just a florida girl crushing on a florida boy here y’all lmao. i’m down so bad for this man that i just went kinda crazy. also this was my first time writing smut so pls bare with me. this is inspired by my friend (and fellow logan girly) who just acquired a nasty sunburn lmaoooo. enjoy!!!!

it had been quite a while since you and logan had been back home together. well, not really, but the weather was typically a lot nicer in the winter months than in the spring and summer, and you were not used to it. after you and logan moved to london together full-time, you rarely saw the sun anymore, and your matching pale complexions certainly reflected that sentiment. 

obviously, the miami race weekend was a big deal for the whole sargeant camp. aunts, uncles, cousins, childhood friends, and grandparents would be making their short trip down i-95 to see logan race, but it also meant that you and logan could spend a week together at home, in the sun, in each other’s company. a free vacation of sorts. logan’s parents were busy getting the house ready for the hordes of guests that were to soon occupy the space, so you and logan were more than happy to get out of their hair and into the back yard for some relaxation. 

it was sunday, and you found yourself lounging out on the dock, lost in a romance novel that was probably making you lose brain cells, when you heard a familiar voice calling out to you.

“y/n!”, logan yelled from where him and coco were playing on the grass. “have you been applying sunscreen?” 

you put your book down, letting out a small huff at his question. logan often took a rather paternal role over you, not in a weird or demeaning way, but rather in the sense that he always has your best interest at heart. and you loved that about him, loved how he always wanted to take care of you without being asked. 

you looked down over the chaise longue you were laid out on, thinking there was a bottle of SPF next to your drink, but all that was there was the can of sparkling water you had been nursing. 

“don’t have any; i’ll be okay!” you called back, hoping that would be the end of it.

“you want me to bring you some? it’s no problem,” logan replied, positioning himself to get up off the ground.

“don’t worry about it; i’m coming inside soon anyways!” you half-lied, knowing that logan usually respected your wishes when it came to things like that. you knew you weren’t necessarily telling him the truth, but he knew you and your stubbornness, and he knew it was not his business to try to fix it. 

another few hours had passed, and logan and the dog had long gone inside to find something else to do. you had stayed out, vowing to finish your book in one sitting. as you closed it, you stood up from the lounger, grabbing your long-abandoned can from the ground, wrapping yourself in the towel that you had been laying on, making your way back into the comfort of the house – and the air conditioning.

walking in through the kitchen, you pass logan’s mom, who was cooking dinner for the family. 

“oh sweetie, looks like you got some color on you!” she exclaims, chopping up some vegetables. 

“yeah, it’s been a minute since i’ve had time to tan! i missed the florida sunshine too much.”

“well, logan’s in his room, and dinner’s in about an hour if you’d like to freshen up,”  mrs. sargeant said sweetly, motioning towards the hallway towards logan’s room.

upon your arrival, logan moved his laptop out of his lap and onto the bed next to him. you took the towel off your shoulders, leaving you in just your bikini, when logan’s eyes went wide with shock.

“what, it’s not like you haven’t seen me in a bikini before?” you quipped, reacting to his sudden change of expression. 

“y/n, you are bright red, like ferrari red,” logan replied, serious as a heart attack. you make your way to the vanity over his dresser, taking in your current state. logan was right. you were burnt. 

“what the fuck dude, i swear i wasn’t out there that long,” you snapped, poking and prodding yourself in the mirror, letting out a wince when you stumbled over a particularly sensitive area.

logan gets off his spot on the bed, making his way towards you, joining you in front of the mirror. his hands immediately fall to your hips out of instinct, but he makes sure not to grab too tightly due to your new look.

“baby,” he says, placing his chin onto your shoulder. you let out another wince, reacting to his touch. “i told you to wear sunscreen. now look at you, my little lobster…”

“this isn’t funny,” you pout, and he leans forward to place a chaste kiss on your lips. you spin around in his arms, now facing him face-to-face rather than through the mirror. 

“stop pouting baby, and go hop in the shower, please. the sooner you get some cold water on you, the better you’ll feel. i can feel the heat radiating off you from here,” logan said with a giggle. his hands linger around your ass, and he gives a slight smack to send you on your way, which elicits a shrill yelp from you due to the sensitivity of the area. 

“are you at least going to join me?” you question as you make your way to his en suite, stopping in the door frame with your arms crossed across your chest. logan lets out another giggle.

“and listen to you whine the whole time? no thanks, plus i showered like an hour ago,” he replies, which garners a predictable whine from you.  “if you make it quick, i might have something that can help you,” he adds, and you turn on your heel into the bathroom, shutting the door with a slam. 

and he was right; the shower hurt like hell, but you know that had he been there, you wouldn’t have been able to properly soak in the cold water, so you silently curse him for being right. 

you walk back into logan’s room, wrapped in your towel, when you see him sitting on the bed, scrolling mindlessly on his phone. he hears you approach, putting his phone down and grabbing the clear bottle off the bed next to him. 

“i found you aloe; well, my mom did. she said your burn is one of the worst she’s seen,” logan said, presenting the bottle to you like it was a participation trophy. 

“is that supposed to make me feel better or worse, logie?” you questioned, feigning offence from his comment. 

“well, the comment probably won’t, but hopefully the aloe does,” he replied. “c’mere, baby,” he cooed, his arms outstretched, welcoming you into his arms. you take your spot on his lap, legs draped over his thigh, wrapping your arms around his neck to keep you in place. logan places a kiss to the bridge of your nose, and along your cheeks, leaning in to admire the newly-formed freckles that were threatening to peak out from underneath the harsh redness of your skin. 

“your freckles are back; reminds me of when we were little, trying to catch fish with my dad in the backyard. you were so bad at it; still are to be honest, but it’s okay because you still look cute trying to bait a hook,” he laughs, his breath giving a cooling sensation to your cheeks, and you wish he would keep talking just to feel his breath against your skin. 

“logan, baby, the aloe?” you suggest, knowing that the time he’s wasting is killing you. all you crave is the feeling of the lotion on you, and his hands being the ones to apply it. 

“sorry, didn’t mean to get sentimental on you, just being here with you makes me think about stuff like that. i sometimes wish we could go back…” logan trails off, and you know what he’s thinking about. he often thinks about the memories of you growing up, how much he missed you when he moved away to the uk, and what it meant to get you back. you like to think of those moments too, sometimes, but he often gets in his head about it. 

“i know,” you coo, lifting a hand up to card through the longer hair on the back of his neck, as a way to soothe him.

he lifts the bottle of aloe up towards you. 

“may i?” he asks, cocking an eyebrow up in an inquisitive way.

“of course you may. how do you want me?” you ask, a mischievous look in your eye.

“do not say it like that, you minx,” logan shot back, your innuendo catching him by surprise. 

“keep talking crazy like that, and we might have a problem,” he snapped, although with no actual malice behind it. “you can lay on your tummy first, though, and i’ll go from there, if that’s okay,” he said, his expression softening as he looked at you. 

you climb out of his lap and onto your stomach on the bed next to him, and he straddles your back to get the proper angle. 

“this okay?” he asks, tugging slightly at the towel that is still loosely wrapped around your back. 

“log, you’ve seen me naked countless times; of course it’s okay,” you quip, turning your head so he can see the side of your face. he leans down, planting a sloppy kiss to your cheek, blowing a raspberry there. this elicits a giggle from you, wriggling underneath him. 

logan drags the towel down your body slowly, his fingers barely grazing your warm, sensitive skin, standing up on his knees to pull it out from under you. 

“i know we aren’t having sex or anything, but could you at least take your shirt off or something? this feels too clinical,” you say, causing logan to burst out laughing above you.

“you are not a real person, i swear to god,” he quips, pulling his shirt over his head in one quick motion. “is that better, princess?” he says sarcastically, using the nickname he only gives you when you’re acting like a handful. 

between your fits of giggles, you let out a “mhm” that signals to logan that he is free to proceed. this evokes an eye roll from logan that you catch out of the corner of your eye. 

his attitude doesn’t last long, however, because before you can protest, his lips find your shoulder blade, peppering kisses along the top of your back, feeling his stubble graze across your skin. it burns, but feels so good at the same time.

“so sweet for me, logie,” you groan, melting into his touch. he reaches for your hair, still damp from the shower, to move it out of his way, as he makes his way across the plane of your body.  

all he can manage is a drawn out “hmmmmm” as he feels the warmth of your skin along his cheek. 

he pulls away suddenly, and you whimper at the loss of contact from him. 

“i know, i know,” he cooes, and you hear the bottle of lotion being opened just out of your periphery. 

his hands make contact with your skin again, feeling the sensation of the cool liquid as he massages it in. his strong hands make their way up and down your back, causing you to arch only slightly, if it wasn’t for him sitting squarely on your ass. 

“you’re killing me, logan,” you half-whisper, his actions genuinely taking your ability to speak at a regular volume, the intimacy of it all being just a little too much for you. 

“feels good, huh?” he asks, and although you can’t see it, you can tell that he’s cocked his eyebrow at you, and you’re surprised he’s been able to behave himself this long. 

his hands work swiftly, massaging the liquid in with long, deft fingers, the sensation driving you crazy.

“logan, i want you, please,” you whine, looking up over your shoulder to meet his gaze, your eyes softening in an almost begging manor. 

“i thought you said we weren’t–” 

“i lied. i’m a liar. i need you right now,” you beg, as logan stands back up on his knees to allow you to roll over underneath him, him now settled on your thighs.

“fuck, baby, i can’t say no to you,” he huffs, not sure exactly how to make the next move. he looks down at you splayed out in front of him, taking in the sight before him. a hand reaches down to caress down your chest, fingers grazing slightly over your nipple, causing your breath to hitch. 

“we have to make it quick, okay? can you be good for me?” he asks, his hand lingering on your left breast. 

you let out a whimper, shaking your head slightly.

“words, baby,” he sighs, his fingers massaging into the tissue of your chest. 

“yes, i’ll do whatever you want,” you whisper, unable to find your voice with how turned on you were. 

“that’s my pretty girl,” logan cooes, leaning down to place a kiss on your lips, adjusting himself so he’s slotted between your legs. the kiss deepens, his tongue finding its way into your mouth, as he swallows your muffled moans, trying to avoid the awkward conversation with his mom later. 

“gotta be quiet, baby,” he whispers, his hand running up and down your side, the warmth of his hand searing your sensitive skin.

“god, i feel like we’re in high school again,” you say, rolling your eyes at him.

“except i wasn’t nearly as good then as i am now, though,” he smirks, diving down to leave a trail of kisses from the corner of your mouth to the base of your neck, softly nibbling on your pulse point. 

“are you gonna prove it?” you ask, trying to rile him up.

this question evokes something in him, his breath against your skin coming hot and sudden, and you could feel the deep exhale from his nose.

leaning up to your ear, he whispers, “you are such a brat.”

the sensation from the whisper mixed with the sting of his words sends a shock straight to your core. he’s not always the best at dirty talk, but he still somehow knows exactly what to say and when to say it. 

“touch me, logan,” you manage to squeak out, your breath growing heavier the more you took in his words, and he was eager to oblige.

with that, the hand that found comfort on your hip trailed its way down between your bodies, grazing the softness of your stomach, fingers oh-so-gently teasing your folds. 

“so wet, huh? so worked up for me? you drive me so fucking crazy, you know that?” he growls, his voice rasping as he begins rubbing small circles against your clit with his thumb. “one or two, baby?” he asks, and you know exactly what he means. 

“two, please”, you whine into his mouth, body arching up into him before he even has the chance to touch you properly. 

“good girl, take it so well,” he groans, sliding two fingers into your cunt, almost too slowly. his voice is almost unrecognizable, the threat of being too loud taking over. his thumb continues its pattern on your clit.

you feel the tension building as he fucks his hand in and out of you, but not before you feel him slowing his pace down.

“i know you wanna come now baby, but we don’t have long. i’m gonna stop, and we can come together, okay?”, he half-whispers. 

his hand moves from its spot between your thighs back up toward your lips, as he rests his fingers on your bottom lip, cocking his eyebrow at you. 

“o-okay,” you squeak out, and with that, his fingers push past your lips, urging you to suck them clean, and you oblige, swirling your tongue around his digits, tasting yourself on his fingers. 

your hands trail down between you two, your fingers dipping underneath his shorts and boxers, toying with the waistband. 

logan removes his fingers from your mouth, opting to move back to your jawline, planting lingering kisses along the bone.

“quit teasing, baby, want you on top. let me see those pretty tits of yours, yeah?”, he smirks, knowing that him complimenting your body drives you crazy in the best way. 

you oblige with a searing kiss to his lips, opting to pull his shorts down in one motion, cock bobbing free and slapping across his stomach. he reaches down to finish taking them off, throwing them on the floor with your long-abandoned towel. 

he rolls you both over with ease, you now on top. your fingertips graze his chest, down to his abs, grabbing his cock and giving it a few quick pumps to make sure he’s ready. 

“ready, log?” you ask, your hands now on either side of his head, his blue eyes sparkling back up at you, your hips and ass now up in the air waiting for his cue. 

he leans up to chase your lips, trying to kiss you, just out of his reach. 

“please, baby, i can’t take it much more,” he begs, using his arms to pull you down to him, sinking down on him, and meeting his lips with yours. now it’s his turn to moan into your mouth. 

“fuuuuuck,” is all he’s able to get out, his hands finding their way to your hips, trying to help you relieve the lack of sensation. Your hips roll for the first time over him, and his hips immediately buck up into you.

“patience, baby. i thought i was the desperate one?” your words go right to his cock, making him buck up once again, making you speed up your motions. you feel the effects of his desperation on your body, the coil in your stomach winding tighter with every bounce on his cock.

“fuck, you’re close, baby; so am i,” logan pants, the physicality of it all catching up to him. he knows your body so well; he can always tell when you’re about to come. 

with his observation, you lean back with your hands behind you on his thighs, your hips continuing to roll against his body, eliciting a low, grumbling moan from logan. he loved you like that, all cock-drunk and lazy on top of him. it also meant that he had a perfect view of your tits, both his hands reaching to grab at them as he continued fucking up into you. 

“these are so fucking perfect. all mine. i can’t believe you’re all mine, baby,” logan pants, both of your movements becoming lazier, as he rolls your nipples in between his fingers, feeling your already-tight walls close in on his cock.

you can feel your orgasm quickly approaching with his presence on your tits, and you know that he isn’t going to last long, either. you lean forward, diminishing the space between you two, giving logan the opportunity to bear hug you. his thrusts up into you send you over the edge, your orgasm ripping through you, causing you to let out a muffled moan onto his right pec. your vision goes slightly blurry for a second until you hear a grunted “fuck, baby”, followed by the feeling of logan’s hips sputtering underneath you. he comes shortly after you, spilling into you. 

You collapse onto his chest, your highs riding out together. he doesn’t loosen his grip around your back, planting a sweet kiss to the top of your forehead, pulling out as you lay pitifully on his chest.

“so good for me, baby, so sweet. fuck, i’m so lucky,” he whispers, rubbing your back where, just a few minutes earlier, he was applying aloe lotion. he rolls you both over so that you’re now facing each other on your sides. 

you reach a hand up to caress his face, feeling the stubble from a week’s worth of no races, the hair rough against your smooth palm. 

“logie, you fucked me so good i almost forgot about this damn sunburn,” you giggled, “but now we’re done and it just hurts again!”

“guess that means i’ll just have to fuck you again,” logan smirked, burying his head into the crook of your neck, eliciting more giggles from you. you begin to hook your leg over his thigh, bringing you even closer, pulling him in for a passionate kiss. you almost begin the cycle over again until you hear a knock on the door that has you both frozen in your tracks. 

“dinner!” you hear his mom cheer from the other side of the door, and then her footsteps clearly walking back down the hall towards the kitchen. 

“guess not,” you teased, eliciting an eye roll from logan, who quickly gets up to pull you into the bathroom to get cleaned up. 

#logan sargeant smut #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #formula 1 x reader #logan sargeant #logan sargeant x reader

[hayakawalove]

Test of Love (Chapter Four)

All Chapters

Summary: You decide to forgive Suguru, it's too hard -not- to.

A/N: I hope you guys are enjoying it so far! I really can't wait to start writing nasty smut for this fic. I really appreciate the comments!

CW: Fem Reader, AFAB Reader

W/C: 5,098

Credit to @benkeibear for the banner

Your class was running you ragged. When Maki wasn’t yelling at the top of her lungs, you heard Panda breaking desks. Calling it a migraine would be putting it lightly. Your skin prickled at the sight of the second years shoving each other, arguing about something or the other. You loved being a teacher, you really did, but damn if they didn’t make it hard sometimes. You plaster on a fake smile and grab Maki and Panda by the scruffs of their necks, digging your fingers in tighter the more they wiggled in your hold. 

“Stop fighting before I tie you to a tree and leave you to make up with each other.” You try to contain your anger but it leaks out in every syllable. 

“She started it!” 

“Why would I stop when-“ 

Your feet are moving before Maki can finish her sentence. You loved them to death but they were always doing something to rile you up. It wasn’t on purpose, hopefully. Panda was just Panda and Maki was just Maki. 

The harsh heat of the sun beats down on your skin as you fasten the rope across their bodies. Panda looks deflated as he sits on one side of the tree while Maki is holding back a snarl on the other side. 

“When I come back the both of you better have figured something out and apologized to each other.” You step away and admire your handiwork. 

“I’m better sure that qualifies as child abuse.” Satoru walks up to you, looking towards the tree. 

“Yeah, well, everything we do counts as child abuse.” 

Plus you weren’t doing it to hurt them. If anything you were doing it to help them. Especially Panda; Maki looked as if she was two seconds away from tearing him limb from limb. It was something she could’ve, and would’ve, done. You definitely didn’t want to have to be the one to explain that to Yaga. You were not about to be put on trial for negligence. 

You face Satoru and feel a different type of heat crawl up your cheeks. Memories from the night you spent together flood through your brain. His tongue dragging on your skin, teeth sinking into your flesh, it was hard to focus on what he was saying as you stared at his beautiful pink lips. 

Satoru says your name, jutting his face closer to yours. The close proximity causes your heart to stutter as you turn your head, unable to look him in the eye. 

“Are you even listening to me?” 

His cologne overwhelms your senses. Cedar wood and pine. There’s butterflies in your stomach as you put on a brave face to look towards him. When you turn to him he grins, dropping his eyes to your lips before back up again. 

“You weren’t listening. Maybe you just want me for my body.” Satoru teases, before stepping away to his full height. 

“Well I certainly don’t want you for your personality.” You quip, feeling the temperature drop back down once he wasn’t invading your privacy. 

“You and Suguru are so cruel to me.” Satoru feigns disappointment. 

At the drop of the black haired males name the space between you two falls silent. You hadn’t spoken about him in several days, not since the night Satoru and you shared. 

Satoru’s the first to break the silence. 

“Have you talked to him yet?” 

You were sort of dreading that question. Because the truth was, you hadn’t talked to him. You didn’t know how. There wasn’t a rule book for this situation. Were you supposed to reach out first? It appeared like he was stepping back to give you breathing room, but you didn’t want breathing room anymore. You wanted to be suffocated by him. 

“No.” You speak under your breath, looking away again. 

You can tell Satoru understands. Whether or not he agrees with you is still up for debate. He appeared unbothered by the situation. It seemed like he thought the whole thing was funny, which you couldn’t really disagree with. It really was absurd, wasn’t it? Plus, you had a hard time believing much would cause a real fight between the two. Sure, they bickered, but you knew true fights were few and far between. 

Satoru hums and follows you back to your classroom. His students were out on a mission. Yuuta and Inumaki  had just left, effectively freeing up your schedule. There had been no word of the recent attacks lately, it appeared like the new strategy that Yaga came up with was working. For now, at least. 

“For what it’s worth, he won’t stop talking about you. It’s even starting to annoy me, and I’m the annoying one.” Satoru speaks and sits on a chair in front of your desk. 

You make yourself comfortable behind the table, getting your things ready to go. 

“I’ve never seen him so distraught before.” Satoru goes on, grabbing one of your desk decorations, fiddling with it before you snatch it from his hand. 

“Why is he the distraught one?” You ask, trying to not pay attention to the churning feeling in your gut. 

Satoru shrugs and kicks his legs up on your desk, ignoring the dirty look you give him. You couldn’t tell if he was trying to piss you off. 

“Good question. Probably because the guilt is destroying him from the inside out. Or something.” 

Satoru was dramatic. 

Even so, part of you believed what he was saying. 

You sigh and cross your arms on the desk, laying your head down. Suguru was nice, there was no doubt in your mind that he felt bad for what happened. At first, you enjoyed it a little bit, knowing that he felt bad because what he did was wrong. But that turned into guilt. You weren’t sure which of you was more remorseful now. 

“If he had it his way he would be smothering you. He’s like that, you know. But he respects space so he isn’t going full mother hen on you yet. Although the second you come around he definitely won’t hold back again.” 

You tap your forehead against your arms several times. Smothering you, huh? You’re reminded of the actions he did on your date, the ones that struck you as parental. It would make sense if he was overwhelming. Not that that was a bad thing. 

You almost had to laugh, the two men were so opposite. Suguru was overwhelming on the inside but tried to hold back, while Satoru was overwhelming on the outside, but was more reserved the closer you got. 

“Where do I even start, Satoru?” You peek out over your arm, catching a glimpse of a smile when you say his name. 

It was still taking you time to get used to it, but you liked the way it rolled off your tongue. 

You liked his name. 

“Don’t know. Whenever I piss him off I just annoy him till he gets over it. He doesn’t piss me off very much so I’m not sure what I’d do. But you could just start over with him. A redo.” 

A redo? 

You think about the idea for a moment before you hear your name being called from the courtyard. Satoru remains seated as you stand up, making your way towards the doors. Maki is yelling at you but you’re having a hard time hearing her. When you get closer, you see that the two of them look much more calm. Maybe it was a bit harsh, but it worked. 

“We forgave each other, can you let us go now?” She yells. 

You crouch and begin working the knot, thoughts floating back to Suguru. 

After work, you should do something after work. 

When you stand back up you stagger behind your students, head in the clouds as you think about Suguru. Pink covers your vision as flower petals dance to the ground in front of you. The splash of color reminds you of the butterfly wings you saw with him. It was such a magical date, you truly hadn’t been on anything like it. 

The door slams behind you as you enter your classroom and you feel your heart sink. Satoru had left. It was a shame, you were enjoying his company. You couldn’t be that upset, though. He was constantly being dragged away for missions. You needed to leave soon anyway, so you tried not to let it get to you.

~~~

The sun blurs your vision as you make your way to the old bookstore. You planned on stopping in after work to gather your thoughts before heading to Suguru’s (and Satoru’s). You find you always did your best thinking when in the confines of the book shelves. An overwhelming smell of old paper and black ink hits your nose as you walk through the threshold. It was quiet today, everyone was probably enjoying the nice weather outside instead of staying in to read. 

You wander the halls and find yourself down an aisle, looking for a specific book. Your eyes glaze over the different titles until you find the one you’re looking for. ‘In the beginning’. It was a book Suguru had told you about over text late one night. He said it wasn’t nearly as good as the one you were reading previously, but that it was still decent. You wrap your fingers around the spine and pull it out, clutching it in your hand while you go to your favorite seat. 

It was the same seat that you had met him in. You plop down and open the book, turning to the first page. You allow the words to whisk you away. 

The space around you is completely silent, save for the sounds of the fragile paper between your fingers. You don’t notice a man walking up to you. 

“That’s a good book.” A voice softer than silk reaches your ears.

Hold on.

You know that voice. 

You tear your eyes from the page to see a man standing in front of you. Hair deeper than obsidian and an angular face tilted down towards you. 

Suguru. 

“I think so,” you attempt to keep your voice steady. 

You’re reminded of your first meeting with Suguru in the cozy building. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt, I just saw the book you were reading.” 

“It’s okay, in fact someone recommended this to me.” 

His lips twitch into a slight grin as you play along with him. A redo, Satoru’s voice plays back in your head. 

“Is that so?” He questions, sitting on the chair across from you. 

The same chair he sat in when you met. 

“Yeah, the guy has really good taste.” 

Suguru’s mouth parts as his tongue drags across his bottom lip, the action slow, vaguely reminding you of the night you saw him last. 

“What’s your name?”

You say your name, watching as his eyes glisten at the sound. 

“You have a pretty name.” His arms rest lazily on the chair, tendons littering his hands. “My name is Suguru.” 

There’s butterflies in your stomach now, just like the butterflies you saw with him at the observatory. The discussion feels like a carbon copy of the initial one you had, minus your feelings. Back then, you were nervous. But now, you were only giddy. 

“What is it you do for a living?” He asks. 

“Actually I’m a teacher.”

“Really? I’m curious if you know my boyfriend. His name is Gojo Satoru.” 

Your face cracks into a grin as Suguru opens himself up. In addition to him revealing Satoru, you could also see a wave of blue surrounding his form. Cursed energy. 

“I do, for better or worse.” 

Suguru lets out a chuckle at your words, crescent eyes locked closed as his chest rumbles. His laugh was soothing. 

You were so glad he came up to you first. Even though you were planning on going to his house after this, you still weren’t sure what you were going to say. Obviously he would know what to say. The world around you disappears as your gaze focuses on Suguru. 

It was comforting to be around Suguru. It was hard to be without him, even if you hadn’t known each other that long. 

Even though you enjoyed Satoru, and you really did enjoy Satoru, it felt right to have the two of them balance each other out. 

“I hope I’m not coming off too strong, but would you be interested in going out?” He asks. 

Yes, yes, a hundred times yes. 

“I don’t know, would your boyfriend mind?” 

“Something tells me it wouldn’t bother him.” 

You grin. 

“What’s your number?” You say this, knowing full well his contact is already in your phone. 

He reads it to you and you go to his contact, finally saving it under his name. You read your number out to him, no doubt in your mind he already has it. 

“I’m looking forward to it.” He slides his phone in his pocket. 

You watch as he departs, until you can no longer see him. You should be getting home too. 

~~~

Your feet hit the pavement as you start your walk home. You were relieved that Suguru reached out to you. You were hoping he would text you soon for details about the date. You wondered what the two of you would get up to. The last time you saw him things got heated very quickly. It felt like things had reset though, and you were glad for it. You wanted to do things right this time. 

Although you didn’t want to forget everything that happened.

Suguru’s laughter, smell, and the way his voice sounded pressed up against your ear filled your mind. 

You see a single butterfly overhead, a rare occurrence for the bustling streets of the city, and you stop in your tracks. 

You couldn’t wait for him to text you. 

Your feet move before you have a say, and you’re running to Satoru and Suguru’s apartment. You were still by the bookstore, so it would have been faster to catch a cab, but you weren’t thinking straight. 

You had wasted time being mad at him. You needed to see him again. All rational thoughts leave your head.

You stop running after thirty minutes, once their tall building stands before you. It was a bit daunting. You force yourself to step inside the building, and goosebumps immediately crawl over your skin. There was a sheen of sweat layering your forehead and your hair was a crumbled mess. The attendant eyes you, only looking away when you meet her gaze. You looked crazy. You almost thought about turning right back around, the absurdity of the situation hitting you like a freight train. 

No, you were here and you were going to do this. 

Your feet make their way to the elevator, and you thank god when it opens and there’s no one inside. You feel antsy as the elevator carries you to their floor, mind flailing as you try to come up with something to say. 

I know we just saw each other, but I want to see you again. 

What if he wasn’t home yet? That would be awkward. 

You walk towards their apartment, your fist knocking the door once you reach it. 

You’re still out of breath as the door creaks open. Suguru’s standing there, brows raised in surprise as he looks down at you. 

“Who is it?” Satoru calls from behind. 

Suguru says your name, watching as you breathe hard. 

“You here for part two?” Satoru says, a playful tone filling his words. 

Suguru’s face scrunches up as he looks behind him before turning back towards you. 

“What’s up?” 

“I want to talk to you.” You pant. 

Suguru steps out, closing the door behind him to gain some semblance of privacy. You knew Satoru probably had his ear pressed against the door, if there was anything that bugged him it was not being privy to some information. 

“I’m sorry for overreacting to what happened. I was stupid. And I just wanted to know if you wanted to go on a date soon, like tomorrow.” Your words rush out, watching as an indecipherable expression lights up Suguru’s face. 

He stops you, placing a finger underneath your chin. He tilts your face up and plants a kiss on your lips. 

“I would love to go out tomorrow.”

Your hands grip his shirt, biting your cheek as relief washes over you. 

~~~

When you meet Suguru for your second first date it was dusk. A pink orange hue had settled over the city, the bustling metropolis more quiet than usual. The sky reminds you of cotton candy and your thoughts drift to Satoru, his sweet tooth making a smile break out on your face. 

“What’s got you smiling?” Suguru breaks you from your trance when he reaches you.  

You look up at him, eyes trailing down his unwavering figure. His hair was half up half down, and he wore lazy clothes with a jacket. You liked this look on him. 

“I was just thinking of Satoru.” 

Suguru stops short in front of you, offering his arm up. You graciously accept, threading your elbow around his. A smile quirks on his lips as the two of you start off. 

“Thinking of another man on our date?” He’s poking fun at you. 

You nudge him with your shoulder, and your ear picks up on soft laughter escaping his lips. The two of you decided on dessert, agreeing that you deserved as much after a long day of work. 

Your feet carry you down a sidewalk until you reach a small dessert shop. Cakes, cookies, and ice cream were advertised on the windows, the thought of it making your mouth water. 

It’s relatively slow when you step inside. There’s several families and a group of friends, but all of them are keeping to themselves. The sweet scent of sugar fills your senses, fueling the excitement that was beginning to boil in your stomach. It seemed like such an odd place for him to take you. Honestly, it was more fitting for an idea for Satoru to pitch, not his black haired counterpart. 

You stroll up to the counter, eyes the size of the moon as you glance down at the display of sweet treats. The cakes were looking the most appealing, so you decide on that. You lift a finger up to point to a triple chocolate cake, your body shimmying slightly as the worker slices you a piece. You think you see Suguru out of the corner of your eye watching you, but you decide not to say anything. There wasn’t much of a point in getting embarrassed in front of him, he had already seen so many sides of you. Suguru requests a slice of vanilla cake and pays, shortly following you to a table in the back of the shop. 

You don’t feel nearly as nervous as you did when you had your first date. There was already this calm understanding between the two of you (something that probably happened after you grinded against him in the club). 

The two of you talk about your days, the conversation flowing just as easily as it did whenever you talked to Satoru. Suguru told you he was off today, and spent most of the morning cleaning his apartment. 

“I was a bit surprised you didn’t reach out first, Satoru said you tended to be smothering.” You laugh to yourself, sliding your fork through the cake. 

It tears like paper, the texture moist and fluffy. Homemade chocolate icing decorated the outside, spirals printed into the cake. 

“Did he?” Suguru asks rhetorically, crossing a leg over his other, taking a bite of his dessert. 

“He did. Although I’m a bit surprised. I would have thought he would be the smothering one, just based on his personality type. But at times he seems a bit guarded.” 

Suguru remains quiet as you speak, his eyes remaining downcast as he thinks. 

“He is. He just isn’t used to opening up around people. From what I hear though, he has no problem talking to you.” 

You dig your teeth into your bottom lip and grin, dragging the fork to your mouth. The dessert melts onto your tongue, tainting your lips brown. 

“I would like to think so. I mean, he’s not always guarded. He told me he gets needy after-“ you stop yourself, staring into your cake. You drag your eyes up and see Suguru watching you, an intrigued look on his face. After looking down once more you finish your sentence. “Sex.” 

Suguru’s brow lifts as his eyes stay steady on you. The hair on the back of your neck raises. 

“When’d he say that?”

Your eyes are glued to the table in front of you as your body heat rises twenty degrees. When did it get so hot? You can feel Suguru’s eyes staring into you, no doubt trying to read your mind. You’re really glad he can’t, because if he could he would see your night with Satoru replaying over and over. 

It wasn’t that you were afraid of telling Suguru you and Satoru had sex (sort of), he knew you were also seeing him. Hell, he almost had sex with you first. So why did it feel like you were caught red handed? 

“Oh um, a couple days ago.” 

Suguru’s head tilts as he continues looking at you, obviously not satisfied with your answer. You feel a bit like a mouse, with Suguru seeming like a cat who had his gaze set on you. 

“How’d that come up?” 

Surely he was fucking with you. He knew exactly what happened. Satoru must’ve told him, right? The fucker couldn’t keep anything to himself, you wouldn’t be surprised if Satoru bragged to Suguru as soon as he could. 

“When we,” you fiddle with your fingers, unable to meet his eyes. 

You were an adult for Christ's sake, so why did you feel so small under his gaze? 

Those fucking eyes of his. 

Suguru lets out a chuckle and raises his fork to his mouth. Your chest feels lighter at the break in tension, your shoulders sagging in relief. He takes one more bite before pushing his plate towards you. 

“Come on, try it.” 

You look up at him and grin, grateful he was letting you off the hook. You pierce your fork in his cake, dipping it in your mouth. The vanilla compliments the chocolate well, the mixture making your eyes roll to the back of your head. 

“You can have the rest of it. If not, I’m just gonna give it to Satoru, he practically begged me to let him join us but I told him you weren’t ready for that yet,” Suguru rests his head on his hand, watching you eat. “You aren’t, right?” 

That is what you told Satoru. You wanted to take it slow, and enjoy your time with each man separately before diving head first into a polyamorous relationship. You probably should wait, it was already overwhelming to spend time with them one at a time, you weren’t sure how you would be able to handle both at once. 

You did, however, know you wanted to. 

“Yeah, not yet at least. I do want to, it’s just,” you cut yourself off. 

How are you supposed to tell him that both of their presences make you feel like you’re drowning? 

“I get it.” Suguru’s voice soothes you. 

Of course he would. You remember what Satoru had to say about Suguru. Nice and understanding. They were the same words you would use to describe him as well. It was sort of weird, though. For years you had heard small bits about this man through Satoru or Yaga. 

You knew he would sometimes snore when he was starting to get sick. You knew he was smarter than Satoru in all subjects besides math and science. You knew what his breakfast order was. But you just had never known him. You never knew what he looked like, how he smelled, how your name sounded off his lips. 

But now you did. And you were so grateful. 

You nudge the plate forward back towards Suguru, feeling as though your stomach may burst. There were several bites left, and you were sure that Satoru would chide Suguru for not leaving him more. 

“I can’t eat anymore, you might just have to roll me out of here.” You rub your hand across your stomach, leaning back into the chair. 

Suguru smiles at that. You’ve decided you really liked his smile. 

It’s dark when the two of you step outside, a cool breeze causing a chill to run up your spine. You shiver, an action that doesn’t go unnoticed by Suguru. He shrugs off his jacket and carefully drapes it over your shoulders, and moves a piece of hair out of your face, sliding it behind your ear. Smothering. The word runs through your mind again. Suguru was doting, that much was obvious. But you could see how it may come off as overbearing. You wouldn’t mind being smothered by Suguru. You doubt Satoru minded it either, in fact you were sure it must have contributed to the reason Satoru was a spoiled brat. 

“Let’s get you home, yeah?” He squeezes your hand. 

You rest your head against his arm as the two of you walk back to your house. You had only gone out to eat, yet somehow it had felt magical. Not only did it feel magical, but it felt normal. You liked that about Suguru. Being with him felt like you were in a fairytale, and at the same time you felt like an ordinary girl. You never spoke about work with him, he allowed you to just be. 

Not that you hated that about Satoru. In fact, you quite liked it. It was nice having someone who understood you and the work you were doing, someone you could bitch to whenever Yaga got on your nerves. They really did balance each other out well. 

The moon lights up your path as you walk besides Suguru, the low sounds of the city a low buzz in your ears. It was never quiet here. You didn’t really mind it. You probably would’ve been paranoid if it was quiet. Anytime you had a mission in a small town it felt like you were waiting for something to jump out at you. 

You decide you want to hear Suguru’s voice some more. 

“Hey Suguru?” 

He hums, eyes flickering down at you before returning to the sidewalk. 

“What do you like about Satoru?” You’ve been meaning to ask. 

For years you heard Satoru talk about Suguru, so you were interested in hearing what the other man had to say. 

Suguru stops and looks around a bit dramatically. He’s looking at the bushes that line the pavement, and over the parked cars. 

“What’re you doing?” You stop and watch him. 

“Seeing if Satoru’s hiding somewhere. Did he put you up to asking that?” 

You start to laugh, your hand coming up to cover your mouth. You close your eyes as you chuckle. It really is something that Satoru would ask. 

When you open your eyes you see Suguru looking down at you, watching as you laugh. Your heart skips a beat at the way his eyes shine in the moonlight. A soft smirk is painted on his face while he looks at you. 

“No, no he didn’t. I just wanna know. He’s talked about you a lot, you know.” 

Suguru dips his head and turns forward again, starting to walk. You follow after him and look up, watching as he talks. 

“He’s just Satoru. It’s hard to explain. He’s annoying, noisy, cocky-” Suguru lists off. 

“Pretty sure I asked what you like about him.” You stop him. 

“-but he's also intelligent, funny, and caring. He cares so much for people, even though he has a weird way of showing it.” Suguru uses a tone you've never quite heard him use before. 

“I never really felt understood by people. I come from a family of nonsorcerers, so for a while it just sort of felt like I was the only one who existed. I love my family, but they never really understood me, still don’t.” 

You come from a family of nonsorcerers too, so you knew the feeling all too well. You were so damn lonely as a kid. 

“And then when I met Satoru it was like my world shifted. Not only was he a sorcerer as well, but he was the strongest one. Or, on track to become the strongest one at least. I didn’t feel alone anymore. And I haven’t ever since.” 

You feel weightless at his words. The love the two of them had for each other was unbreakable. The kind of love you could only read about, the kind of love you weren’t sure really existed until now. 

Your heart aches at the possibility of them loving you in the same way. It was something you had dreamed about since you were little. They might not love you in the exact same way, but they might love you just as much. You begin to feel dizzy at the prospect. 

Your apartment comes into view and you feel a little sad that your date was over. You would be seeing him again, you remind yourself. 

“Don’t tell him I said any of that, though. His head is big enough as is.” Suguru murmurs. 

You laugh and agree. Satoru would not shut up if you told him what Suguru said. Something told you that Satoru knew how much Suguru loved him, though. 

Your feet stop as you reach your apartment. Suguru faces you and smiles as you begin to take off his jacket. 

“Keep it, what if your apartment is cold too?” 

You bite back a smile, wrapping it around you once more. He wanted you to keep it. 

“Smart, I wouldn’t want to catch a cold in my house.” 

“I would never forgive myself if you did.” 

Suguru’s eyes lock with yours. He leans down to place a kiss on your forehead. Warmth blooms across your skin, crawling down your body. He pulls back and pushes his lips against yours, the taste of him seeping through you. He tasted like vanilla. 

Your eyes flutter open when he steps away. You tug his jacket around you tighter, waving as he turns to go home.

Those two boys were going to be the death of you. 

Tag List: @tojislittleprincesss, @dinolvrrr, @kimi01985, @constawrites, @spookysoowpprince,

@reosnagi, @faerie-soirxx, @platrom, @oownowonwoo, @megumisdivinedogs,

@sakui1, @maskedpacific, @riri-twix

If you want to be added to the taglist just let me know, and specify if you only want to be on the taglist for this fic or all my works

#my writing #suguru x reader #suguru geto x reader #geto x reader #suguru x you #suguru geto x you #geto x you #gojo x reader #gojo satoru x reader #satoru x reader #gojo x you #gojo satoru x you #satoru x you #gojo x reader x suguru #poly satosugu #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen #jjk

[c4ttheart]

zuko x fem!reader, angst, 1.6k wc (whoopsi)

supposed to be a gn reader but i put that they went to the royal fire academy for girls ; also timeline makes no sense LMFAO sorry ab that

summary : he says he loves you. that’s not fair, that’s not something best friends should say to each other. but his favourite colour is blue, and so is yours.

"zuko" you breathe out, "you’re back."

he furrows his brows when he hears you approach. he notices the hint of surprise in your voice, and somehow, he doesn’t know if it’s a good thing.

a mumbled "yeah" in response leaves his lips, and you smile. you quirk your lips upward as if he had never left. as if the last time he saw you wasn’t three years ago.

you want to ask him more, hold his hand and drag him through the gardens or sneak out into the city buying things you would never even need. but he turns away, leaving you to stand there in the middle of a palace that isn’t yours. zuko did not return with the avatar. zuko returned with blood on his hands, the price to pay for the victory of your kingdom. but that doesn’t feel right. that is not the zuko you know. then again, they really aren’t that different, three year gap or not, as they soak in the glory of what they have done.

why does he think it’s an honourable thing to have caused the demise of a city ? all that for what, the privilege of bathing in warm water and gold again ?

he ignores you throughout the month that he is here. you thought you were best friends, but apparently his stay at sea made him forget. one could say you’re not on the same footing anymore, since he is promised to the throne.

and it’s fine, you are fine, you can deal with whatever temper tantrum he is having, or the fact that he doesn’t have time for you. you don’t know what he went through, so you try to be fair. but then mai comes into the picture, and all of a sudden you’re fourteen crying on the floor of your dorm at the royal fire academy for girls because word is out that prince zuko has lost his agni kai. and you didn’t even have the time to say goodbye.

it’s not like you were dating. but he can’t just do whatever he’s doing. you waited for him to come back. every day. you still referred to him as your best friend and fed the turtle ducks in his absence. and he just waltzs back into your life and breaks your heart again.

mai is a sweet girl. she’s only a year younger than you. you know she’s a good student. but she doesn’t deserve to replace you. she doesn’t know his favourite colour and why it’s his favourite. she doesn’t know half of the things about him that complete your personality.

maybe that’s how you find yourself thumping on zuko’s door. it’s probably three in the morning, and you’re tired with red rims under yours eyes. he opens the door after some time, with messy hair and his room lit with candlelight. when was the last time you saw him ? he looks so real, so close and you are so, so grateful that he is here and that he is him, that you break down. what was once fury is replaced with desolation as he looks at you funny in front of the door that leads to his quarters.

"i uhm, thought you were at the academy." he mumbles awkwardly. the opening is only wide enough for you to see his face. why is he hiding ? what is this conversation topic ? when have you become such a stranger ? his favourite colour is blue. so is yours.

you sniffle. "it’s the middle of summer."

"oh."

he nods and moves to shut you off again. your tears run thicker against your cheeks.

"you can’t close the door zuko. you told me you loved me. you can’t keep on turning your back on the problems that require something else than military attention."

you don’t even know how you manage to speak the words correctly, considering the hiccups and the sniffles and the ugly crocodile tears. you don’t know how you manage to speak so correctly considering the state of your heart.

he scoffs. "you’re the one that left me."

"i did not leave you, zuko. i chose to stay." you laugh and croak out.

"that’s the same fucking thing." he whispers under his breath, his eyes rolling every time you blink water from your eyes.

it’s okay. you know he still loves you, somewhere inside. deep deep down, you know he does. it’s not wishful thinking, because his favourite colour is blue, and so is yours. blue like the waves back in ember island, blue like the water the turtle ducks swim in, blue like the sky in which he wishes he could soar. blue like the flames he never got.

"you can leave now, y’know ? " he speaks again, every single drop of formality run dry on his lips when he sees you. is that a good thing ?

and yellow used to be your favourite colour. not his, yours. yellow like the sun, yellow like the small buttercups, yellow like the jewellery your mother would wear. yellow like his eyes. and then all of a sudden, zuko came along, and yellow morphed into blue. what he liked, you liked. what he did, you did. what he said, you said. somewhere along the way you forgot yourself in the name of love. and all that for what ?

"i-i don’t understand, zuko." you hiccup. you try to remember the warmth of the yellow sun but all you can focus on is the harsh yellow in his eyes. it looks much less appealing than blue.

"god, what more is there to understand ? people move on, (name). maybe it’s time you do the same. grow up a bit, and maybe you’ll get a real personality."

you gasp.

"oh and, it’s prince zuko to you."

this horrible feeling settles in your stomach. like needles, piercing over and over again. or a dam being broken by a tidal wave. you do not feel good. and he is dressed in red, like his curtains, like his door, like the walls and floors and windows and carpets and when you finally reach the gardens you have never felt so nauseous watching the fountain blue.

when you glance up, you realise the sky is red too.

your tears are all dried up now. you should go home, probably. but the sun is rising and the last thing you want to do is let your parents know you snuck out, that you’re not at all at the friend’s house you were supposed to be at. you’re seventeen, yet you are still so reliant on your parents. you should take control of your life, you think, but you still have a favourite colour and you still like the same guy than when you were a child. maybe zuko is right, you should grow up.

best friends should never be able to love each other. it ruins lives, love. you think it would have been best if zuko had never loved you at all. but his favourite colour is blue, and so is yours, because your personality is completely attached to his. maybe you loved him too before you even knew it.

you watch people get up and about from the tower you’re in. you don’t know which one it is, just that it is high off ground. when a bird squeaks, you bang your head against the wall. messenger hawks scare you.

something falls besides you, and it sounds light. a key, sitting still and yellow on the middle of the paved floor. it’s an ordinary key, yet it looks too unused to be one leading to the bird cages. you nervously look around, with puffy eyes and dried cheeks, because you should not be doing this but god, do you need something to get your mind off zuko.

fuck him and his little girlfriend. fuck him and his petty ways, fuck him and his fancy baths, fuck him and his golden eyes. he should have told you if he hated you. if he didn’t wish to be best friends anymore. you would have taken it easier than now. but he just vanished, and when he came back, he wasn’t himself anymore. maybe he lost himself like the people of ba sing se lost their lives because of him.

you spot some sort of square locker imbedded in the wall. it looks quite private but the key fits when you insert it, and when you turn it the door silently opens. then something falls on your face. it’s small and not very heavy. looks like a messy envelope when you pick it up. you open it subconsciously, like it was meant to find you somehow. maybe it was, because your heart drops when you read who it is addressed to. you skip the contents only for what you thought were your dry eyes pour again.

inside the box, is a year worth of letters. they’re all from zuko. and they’re all sealed with blue wax.

you don’t speak with zuko the following week, but rumours spread fast and all of a sudden the whole country knows he’s gone. it’s alright. you didn’t get to say goodbye the first time, so why would you now ? when you go back to your dorm at the academy the next day, pretty petunia flowers sit on your bed, sealed with a blue ribbon. you clench your jaw.

it is quite a feeble gift, but it is better than nothing at all. you keep them in a vase on the windowsill, even when you learn they mean resentment, because his favourite colour is blue, and so is yours.

it always will be.

i like read iver this once to make sure some sentences made sense that is it

this was supposed to b fluff but uh,,,,,

#anime x reader #atla zuko #atla #atla x reader #atla x you #atla x y/n #zuko x y/n #zuko x you #zuko x reader #avatar zuko #fire lord zuko #prince zuko #zuko #avatar the last airbender #avatar the last airbenber netflix #avatar 2009 #avatar live action

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

Nathan Bateman.. more like.. nathan masturbateman... hah got 'em

Nathan Bateman x GN!Reader • Rating: M •Masterlist• ao3• want to be tagged? | requestinfo• MK Bingo 2024 Masterlist• ko-fi •

A/N: I am, once again, apologising for my sins.

Warnings: pining, masturbation, over use of italics, typos, not beta read, railroad sentences, please let me know if I've missed a warning!

Word Count: 636

______________________________________

Nathan huffs through his nose, his jaw clenched tight. 

He shouldn’t be reduced to this. To jerking off sitting at his desk all because you’d knocked on his office door five minutes ago and set a mug of green and peppermint tea on his desk. Your fingers lightly grazed his when he reached for it. 

You’d smiled at his grumbled, ‘thanks’. Mistaking his low voice and hard stare for grumpiness instead of focus and absolute horror at his sudden, very obvious, but thankfully hidden under the table, arousal. 

You’d wished him a good day, your own drink in your hands as you left the room to go about your day. 

This was ridiculous. Stupid. Nonsensical. 

He moved his hand faster, trying to bring himself to his peak as quickly as possible. 

At first, he’d tried to ignore it. Tried to will it away. But after a minute of no work, and his body’s seeming need for all play he’d given up and pushed his shorts to his ankles. 

He hadn’t asked you to bring him a drink. Had never even mentioned it. You just did it all on your own. To be nice. To him. Even though there wasn’t any immediate gratification for you. Maybe you had a weird kink where being kind to others got you off. Yeah. That made sense. That was the only thing it could be.

Nathan hissed, his hips jerking upwards despite his orgasm dancing just out of reach. 

It wasn’t fair. 

The first time he’d got hard around you he hadn’t thought much of it. Why would he? It was a normal reaction. You were the first person he’d been around that wasn’t designed by himself in months. And there were subtle things he’d made note of to work into the design of his androids to make them more real. It only made sense that his body would react. 

And then it happened again, and again, and again. And again. 

To the point that all you had to do was say his name in that sweet voice of yours and he’d be a full mast in less than a second. 

Other things didn’t interest him so much anymore. Which at first had just pissed him off, but now it was starting to become worrying. He couldn’t even get off with an android’s mouth around his dick, but had cum in his pants listening to your voice when you made a video call. 

He didn’t want to think about you. Didn’t want to imagine your hand on him, how you’d slide it down his chest and- 

Nathan moans so loudly that he curses, embarrassment bubbling along his veins. 

He didn’t get embarrassed. He didn’t get flustered over anything sexual. Anything that brought pleasure. He was Nathan Fucking Bateman for god’s sake. 

But still, he bit his lip, holding back a sob as he traced his free hand down his chest and cupped his balls, imagining it was you. 

God, he was pathetic. 

He came almost the instant he squeezed, cum splattering against his desk and keyboard as he called out your name. 

“Fuck,” he groaned as aftershocks rattled through him, annoyed at the mess on his equipment. 

He hastily grabbed a couple of tissues and began to wipe up the largest spill, when there was a worried knock at his door. 

He didn’t even get a chance to say anything before you’d opened it and poked your head around. 

“Nathan, you okay? You called for me?” The fret on your face quickly turned into something else when you took in the sight of him. Softening dick in one hand, a cum soaked tissue in the other, his shorts around his ankles. 

He swallowed. For once in his life at a complete loss for words. 

“I…” You said softly. 

Nathan’s cock twitched. 

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Thank you for reading!

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If you'd like to be taken off the tag list please let me know here

#nathan bateman #ex machina #nathan bateman x reader #x reader #nathan bateman x you #x you #nathan bateman x gender neutral reader #x gender neutral reader #nathan bateman x gn!reader #x gn!reader #my writing #fanfic #oscar isaac #oscar isaac characters

[jamesleecult]

James lee x gn!reader : In case you come back one day.

The reader rants about their past relationships experience on a song comment section they recently listened to.

note: James kinda ooc(?), attempted to angst. I was planning to make it like the reader view, like their feelings then what happened(flashback or smthg idk) but I’m lazy. Not proof read, I’m bad. Reader kinda still hung up, if you squint enough I’m kinda listening to a sad song rn. Bold font for the typing and the italicized for flashback. (Plottwist dg wrote the song and saw the comment lol) with the help of Grammarly.

During the midnight hour, their finger danced across the keyboard, each keystroke echoing in the quiet room. Blending with the faint whirr of the glowing screen with melody’s in the background.

The sounds of the faint tapping on the keys stopped, few moments later - a sound of clicking can be heard as they began to typed again.

I've met it fresh and hot, it was years ago, yet it felt like yesterday. Actually, I've been walking so far that I can start again with someone else, but in my heart I secretly ask a question. Do I really still have a spot left for him?

In their distant and hazy memories, They shared soft whispers and laughter, the gentle breeze carrying their words like secrets through the air. With each stolen glance and faint smiles.

Or always ask myself that do I love the person in front of me equally to that person. Until now.

In the dimly lit ambiance of their favorite spot, he sat across from them- on the side, his demeanor cool and composed, concealing the turmoil within. They sensed a distance growing, a chill settling in the air.

“We need to talk,” he began, his voice steady, devoid of emotion, easily making their pulse quickened, a knot forming in the stomach.

"I met a lot of people, but in the end, no one can replace you." Right into the hook. I realized, I didn't intend to hurt the person infront of me.

“What’s wrong?”

I just want myself to try and start again, but now I understand that.

“This,” the red haired boy, he gestured subtly between them, “isn’t working anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

I did never stop loving or stop missing him at all.

Confusion etched across their face, so many questions left unanswered. He met their gaze, his eyes holding a depth they couldn’t fathom.

“I’m leaving.”

I wanna say something in case, even if I never get the chance to tell him.

“Leaving? Why?” Panic rising within them making their heart skipped a beat.

“I can’t stay,” the tall boy stated firmly, his tone unwavering. “It’s not safe for you.”

They searched his eyes for answers, finding only resolve. “Not safe? What are you talking about?—That’s not true. We love each other. We can work through whatever it is!”

I got so many questions that was never answered, you left with no room for me to ask further more. What’s happening? Did I do something wrong?

As they spoke, he looked away, sighing at their persistence. Unable to meet their gaze. “No, you don’t understand. I’m.. I’m dangerous.”

Their brows furrowed in confusion and annoyance. “What do you mean, dangerous?”

“I can’t explain” he said, his voice barely a whisper in disappointment. “But you need to trust me. You need to let me go.. there are things you don’t know about me. Things that could put you in danger if I stay.”

Their mind raced, trying to make sense of his words. “But I don’t understand. We are together, we love each other- why are you leaving me with just.. short explanations?”

Then you just disappeared for no reason. I couldn’t find you, as if you were gone.

“…farewell.”

And with that he just walked away, coldly stood up- leaving them sitting there, alone with nothing but unanswered questions and a heart heavy with sorrow.

I still have a spot left for you in my feelings, always will be the one for you, In case you come back one day.

After hours of uninterrupted typing, they finally halted, their hands hovering over the keyboard as they took a moment to gather their thoughts. Pressing the final key—

The soft click of the laptop lid echoing in the now silent room.

#lookism #lookism x reader #james lee #James lee x reader #dg x reader #lee jihoon #lookism dg #lookism james lee #Diego kang #kang dagyeom #lee Jihoon x reader #kang Dagyeom x reader #dg #jamesleecult #lookism spoiler #what the sigma

[gibbearish]

btw its interesting the way james tries to imply that like. well the videos that have plagiarism are the ones our dumb stupid annoying patrons requested about bad topics that didnt deserve to have the effort put in to covering them well so basically its fine. like obv thats interesting on its own but moreso the fact that he doesnt actually /say/ it, or like. give a list of the videos hes referring to, just says "those videos are very clear on which ones they were" i think as a nod meaning like "yknow the ones everyones talking about". unless what hes meaning is that like they put a note in certain videos saying "this video was requested by a patron, we here at james somertom incorporated do not espouse these views" which seems unlikely to me. idk methinks maybe it's because there is indeed a lot more than people think and with all the buzz he's not sure which ones have been discovered yet or not, so putting down a solid list that missed some would look like he was still hiding things whereas putting down a fully sourced list would be admitting to wayyyy more than anyone's found yet

#which is ironic too bc if he genuinely did want to prove he understood what he did wrong and that hed changed thatd be the way to do it #yknow like a full list of every single source including ones no one has found on their own or /can/ find anymore would a) be taking full #responsibility and b) make people less likely to always be like 'youre still hiding something' #which in turn makes me super think hes still hiding a lot of somethings #also cant go without stating that the 'request a video topic' thing was only for $100/month patrons after 3 months on that tier #like fucker these people gave you THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS AT LEAST and youre trying to blame it on them?????? #no one forced you to make 'let patrons pick video topics' a reward dude like. hello???????? #shit dude even hbombs highest tier ($10 for anyone wondering bc he doesnt see his audience as a money machine lmao) #just says you can vote in polls about future topics #like that makes complete sense to me as a version of this‚ the most dedicated audience members get a say in the future of the #channel while the creator still gets overall control of the direction #also 'patrons who gave me fuckloads of money asked me to make videos on topics i didnt like so i plagiarized those' is i think uhhh #worse than just 'i plagiarize everything without remorse' frankly? #like at least with the second youre just a general shitbag but the first where youre a shitbag specifically to the people #majorly financially supporting you rather than just like. be an adult and say 'hm i dont feel like that topic really works for the channel‚ #do you have any other ideas?' #or dare i say even perhaps yknow. doing what other youtubers do in similar situations and find ways to tie that subject #to what they usually talk about is just. wild #course that last one would take actual creativity and aint that just the crux of the issue #james somerton #or i say cannot go without stating i should say cannot go without restating kwnrkabdkwbrn

[svtskneecaps]

feel like the global tasks sweep strat should probably be nerfed somehow. my thought would be, give each team an individual ten minute overall cooldown on global task claims. that is to say, a certain team can only claim one global task per ten minutes. say, deliver gas masks, and then in ten minutes you're allowed to deliver tea, and then after another ten minutes you can claim hot chocolate.

another teams would be able to claim a global task for bananas during this time, and their own ten minute cooldown would start.

(the global tasks can either keep their individual ten minute cooldown [i.e. after tea is claimed no one else can claim tea for ten minutes] or a slightly shorter cooldown, say 5-7 minutes)

when a global task is claimed, everyone is notified, right? if not, in my hypothetical, they will be.

then, a team trying to sweep six tasks at once would actually take sixty minutes to do, allowing another team to swoop in and have a chance to stop it in cinematic, entertaining fashion rather than tubbo having to grind resources and then log out in front of the merchant to counter this, which is boring for everyone (including the person delivering). plus, if a team cuts it down to the last second and ends up getting delayed, they physically wouldn't have time to make a delivery, meaning even being a BIT of a nuisance could be a viable strategy, even if you can't manage to kill; if you can STALL you could still wreck their plans.

that's my dream anyway idk i'm not a game designer. just think it would be interesting for most players

(i elaborate under)

red team would have to shake up their strategies, which is fun since they're a team that kinda has to rely more on strategy than outright brawn (overall the team's pvp can't be relied on unless they have carre or phil, as seen today when pierre, bad, and etoiles attacked phil cellbit foolish and baghera, and cellbit and foolish both died to etoiles in the attack, despite it being a 4 on 1 at the time. baghera was killed by bad soon after. phil was the one to get the kills. the first day, when blue attacked [niki, tubbo, and bad as i recall] carre got both kills)

the other teams would then still have a way to stop a global sweep since a sweep would have to start earlier, allowing not only more time to arrive at global to pvp about it, but ALSO allowing another team to swoop in and steal the goal out from under the team again

i'm gonna use it in a scenario bc i'm badboyhalo and i can't stop myself from making examples:

so, tonight, if the proposed cooldown was in place, bad and tubbo would both still had roughly 17 minutes when red team would have HAD to start the sweep process if they wanted all six global tasks: 1 hour until the server closed at absolute MINIMUM. more for safety's sake.

therefore, in this scenario, there's a lot to happen

blue team could wait at globals, knowing red will probably try this strategy, and attempt or perhaps SUCCEED in killing red. if they kill red entirely, the operation is a wash; red doesn't have to gear to come back from scratch and take out blue team, and even if they could, the travel time to return to globals alone would mean they wouldn't get all the global tasks, potentially meaning they don't take the lead. if blue team is unable to kill red and dies themselves or has to retreat, but succeeds in delaying red, red would face the same problem.

if red sends in all of the task items on one person, and that person dies, even if the rest survived, blue could loot the items from that person and would be able to either use the items themselves, if green is currently the owner, or could run away with the items, effectively wasting red's time and again, meaning they wouldn't get all tasks claimed even if they were able to overtake the runner and reclaim their items.

i'm unclear what would happen if red divided the task items between them since it seems like the person claiming the task doesn't have to have all (or any? again, unclear) the items in THEIR inventory in order to claim so long as a teammate is nearby with the items in their inv (evidence: pac's vod "voltei... o que tá acontecendo no QSMP?!" at roughly 3:00:00; tubbo claims tea and tea is taken out of pac's inventory. i don't know the limits of this strategy)

blue team also has time to swoop in and steal a global task out from under red during this time. say, if red team had claimed the task for 10 tea leaves, upping the price to 15 tea leaves, and then blue team snuck in and claimed the task and set the price up to 20 tea leaves, (since the proposed 10 minute cooldown on claims would be TEAM LIMITED; red's cooldown applying to red only and so on). if red waited until the last second, they wouldn't have the time to reclaim this task even if they did have the resources, possibly forcing them to start their sweep earlier to counter this possibility, at which point team members who had logged on earlier and are out of time by the end of the night, OR members who live in time zones that don't allow them to stay up until server close, may have an easier shot at participating in defending against a global sweep.

all of this DIRECT CONFLICT would make for good audience entertainment and heighten the stakes of an attempted global sweep, since it would practically have to be one team defending globals for an hour while they pipe all their resources into it, knowing that if they die another team could easily swipe their task resources and use it themselves (along with the rest of their gear). it makes it more interesting, while still mostly viable.

plus it would force more strategizing for red team which is maybe just a personal plus, i just really like seeing people planning both in advance and in spur of the moment. it's really satisfying to see how a plan comes together and succeeds or fails; plus, since red team is the main team using this strategy at the moment and their main draw and strength as a team is cohesion and communication this would be completely fucking riveting for me as a viewer so maybe this is just a personal thing. but i really really think it would be fun

but again, i'm not a game designer, or a qsmp player, or a qsmp admin, or honestly even really a gamer? so maybe i'm off my rocker and out of my gourd and this isn't viable or balanced in any way shape or form but YKNOW what is this blog except putting stupid thoughts into the void and seeing if this time the void spits back hate mail so. i'm folding this into a paper airplane and throwing it into the abyss. hopefully it made sense.

k love you appreciate you getting this far, have a good week!!

(i hope your team gets a win in dramatic fashion and celebrates together!!! i hope they come together and unleash a plan so spectacular it takes the server by storm!!! i hope it's so good it becomes a vod you go back to even years in the future!!!! i hope you have a good week!!!!!)

#qsmp #qsmp purgatory #shut up vic #block game brainrot #yes it's long beneath the keep reading no i'm incapable of being succinct #i color coded the important parts though i just wanted to try to be clear #examples are my bread and butter i do programming and math they make everything easier for me to understand #god i hope this makes sense to other people i didn't ask my biological peer reviewer so idk if this is stupid or not #tbh it's just a tumblr post so i guess it's whatever if it is but i put wayyy more work than necessary into double checking timelines lol #(i didn't watch blue today sorry :/ idr if i mentioned in the body of the post but i main red team) #(their energy is just more entertaining for me personally; though i kept an eye on pac once i could multi-watch!) #anyway other team mains feel free to weigh in if i'm making weird assumptions about what the teams are capable of #heaven knows my pov is biased here LMFAO #((for what it's worth i am fully aware this means red team aren't rly underdogs anymore and i super want them to be kicked in the stomach)) #((back to the drawing board; what will they do??? I WANT TO KNOW :O)) #((seeing them crawling back to victory from being like two pixels on the bar on sunday was great. more of that pls)) #idk i've rambled enough #long tags #ignoring daylight savings it's technically one am goodnight friends i hope this post doesn't suck hahahaha............... #OH AND IF ANYONE THINKS I SHOULD TAG SOMETHING FOR FILTER PURPOSES ABSOLUTELY LET ME KNOW #i want to be courteous but i think this post is pretty neutral in tone? but if you think it deserves a tag i will absolutely add it!!!!!

[simcardiac-arrested]

i don’t think we’re ever getting out of the “we’re just friends” “oh yeah those characters are such good friends (sarcasm)” “they’re not friends they’re gay” etc etc hole. we’re never getting out of that hole

#yes it’s bad when people try to erase gay relationships to portray them as friends and nothing more #that is NOT what i mean. i’m talking about when people do the Opposite Thing and decide that when characters are romantic togethr #then suddenly they’re not friends anymore! or if they say they’re friends they’re lying! #like … i was watching nimona with my friend yesterday and like. if you’ve seen the movie you know how obviously gay and in love bal and #ambrosius are. and then there’s this one moment where ambrosius says ‘i have lost everything the man i love my best friend’ and at that #moment my friend was like It’s sad that they decided to censor their relationship even though this movie is still rly gay :( and i was like #WHAT are you saying ? these two men are clearly in love with one another BUT they’re also best friends. Like those are things that can #coexist!! and DO coexist!!! there are many cases where people consider their romantic partners their best friends . or even refer to them as #their best friends more than just partner!!!!!! LIKE WHAT ARE YOU SAYINGGGG . does anybody get it #does anybody understand #i’m so sick of amatonormativity i’ll start eating drywall #yes i love making ‘oh they seem like really good friends’ jokes because i know how most people interpret those jokes. but to me it’s like #well. they ARE really good friends. they’re just also romantic/gay about it. ghhehghh #maybe one day friendship will stop being seen as something lesser maybe one day people will realize that most romance is also friendship #and your partner can be and in most cases is your friend or your best friend even #and maybe one day we’ll stop acting like friendship & romance are two mutually exclusive things #and maybe sure that gay character is calling their love interest their Best Friend because of denial and repressed emotions and whatever #but have u considered that it’s just true and they really are best friends ?? like when crowley calls az his best friend sure that might be #gay denial but they also literally Are best friends i don’t know what to tell you. and they will always be best friends #DOES ANYBODY GET IT !!!!!!!! js any of this making sense i dont know. I love complaining #crammerposting

[dahldahlbills]

I really need to get serious about personal projects again

#I think I said something like this last year too lol #currently in a weird headspace about it #the biggest reason why I lost focus on them was bc I prioritized engaging in fandom #(something that I never really did when I was focused on publishing a few years back) #so part of me feels like in order to make considerable progress on projects again I need to cut myself off from fandom #and I kinda have been weening myself off a bit from animanga but not really for that reason #it was mostly bc I was getting overwhelmed by how much I was consuming and I wanted to appreciate things fully #I don’t think I’d cut myself off from fandom completely either I’d still try to keep up with stuff #but the idea of not engaging in fandom anymore kinda.. scares me? #idk I feel like a major loser admitting this lol #it just feels like I’d lose a lot of connections with people #and would lose a lot of the love I have for stories if I’m not actively interacting with them :( #and then there’s also that stupid feeling of being a ‘fake fan’ because I’m not dedicating every single second of free time to fandom #which is dumb bc like I have a life and need to make money yknow I got things to do #im just Stressed bc I’m at such a critical stage career wise and im getting closer to 26 so hhhhh healthcare coverage will be up in the air #so I really can’t afford to dawdle #there’s just so much I wanna do and while I’m not necessarily racing to get it done I still want to take advantage of the time I have #but it also sucks feeling like I’m giving up a part of myself to progress on another part of myself #I don’t think any of this makes sense sorry I just needed to dump my thoughts bc I am Terrified™️ #anyway personal projects! gotta get back to those ! #blahblahbills #delete later

[the-kipsabian]

.

#i had a hangman/swerve fic started that i actually didnt hate but im not gonna finish it for tonight and posting it after makes no sense so #sweeping all that under a rug i guess #cause fuck me trying to do anything anymore #i was pretty happy with the progress too but. its just not happening #i just cant make anything. i cant and trying is not worth it #and i hate fucking saying that cause i know in like two days im gonna go back on that word and start making something again #cause making anything is the only way i feel alive anymore. but then the loop starts all over again and i cant ultimately break it #i dont know what im supposed to do about this. or what i can do. probably fucking nothing cause lbr i just fucking suck and its hopeless #whatever. sorry im just being a bitch once again. im resisting so hard of just deleting everything right now #instead im gonna go be fucking useless and waste time playing video games. cause thats a better use of my time i guess #i fucking guess #night is an absolute mess on main

[honorthysalad]

can’t believe they didn’t have Yoshiki connect his experience with being possessed to that one guy who broke into the school grounds and killed himself.

#I also doubt he’s going to connect it for the old man he also just watched die #Idk I just feel like we missed a window of opportunity #Because it’d seem insincere for him to only make the connection now right? Like it feels like a lot of time has passed even #if it’s only been 2 days. It’s going to be coming a whole volume later. The audiences sense of time is skewed #And like the diner scene is so tonally jarring? The slapstick faces and casual air to everything #And I guess it’s supposed to be scary but it literally made me laugh so hard seeing the ghost under the table #And the ghost going ‘YOOOOOO’ also sent me #“I won’t treat death lightly anymore” #“Huh? Someone died? When did that happen? Anyway I have to study for my math test” #I’m not saying I want Yoshiki to be crippled emotionally every time something bad happens #But just like acknowledging the tragedy of an innocent person being forced to do something like that and offering empathy? #Because Yoshiki could’ve suffered the exact same fate. He only didn’t because he aligned himself with ‘Hikaru’ #the summer hikaru died #hikaru ga shinda natsu #hgsn #hgsn spoilers #idk you’re free to disagree with this. Emotional scenes are just what I like and ‘spooky scary ghosts’ aren’t #So obviously I’d prefer an emotional scene over yet another ghost trying to tickle Yoshiki #My hgsn shit

[bitchthefuck1]

have you watched the pjo show?

I saw the first 2 episodes when they came out at a watch party one of my friends threw, and as soon as they ended I realized I didn't particularly care to keep going. It wasn't like, outrageously bad by any means, I just don't think it gripped me enough to want to continue, and there were enough odd adaptational choices that I thought weakened the story that I lost interest. I might have tuned back in if the changes actually built to something interesting in the later episodes, but from everything I've seen it kinda seems like they just took the teeth out of the story, which was what I was worried about.

That being said, the cast seems really great and well suited to their roles, so like, if they improve the writing and pacing in the later seasons and stop sanding down all the rough edges, I might pick it back up. But otherwise, pass.

#im like famously bad at watching tv tho so me not wanting to continue is less dramatic than it probably sounds #i just don't really watch it casually anymore so I'll only follow along with shows that i really really like #i got another ask about the show a little while ago and i was like 'oh ill answer that once ive caught up' and then i never caught up so #sorry to whoever sent that i wasn't ignoring you i just never got to the ep you mentioned #like if I'm trying to be optimistic. given how quickly shows get canned if they're not immediately super popular. and given that this is a #disney product. its possible that once the show proves it can be commercially successful and the characters get older they might stop #playing it so safe and boring and bring some of the harder and more complicated elements back in. and like. that won't fix what they've #already fumbled but it will at least make the story better and more interesting. but idk how likely that is esp since #rick riordan seems totally on board with all the changes and it sounds like he doesn't really get why they diminish the story #like i feel like they're thinking too much about whether or not a change has a huge impact on the plot and not enough about how it #impacts the characters and the overall theme and vibe of the story. if that makes sense #like sure we still got from point A to point B in roughly the same way but that trip means something different for the characters now #and if you do that enough times you end up with a completely different result at the end even if we're technically in the same place #percy jackson show #asks

[skitskatdacat63]

Why do I say things like this. Like what was the need. Why do I feel the need to jinx myself. What was the reason.

#lol just looking thru my drawings and i saw that tag #and im like YOU! ITS YOUR FAULT IM BURNT OUT! I BLAME YOU(catie from that specific day) #anyways trying to draw nando and ITS NOT GOING WELL YKNOW #i still really struggle with drawing real people #seb is okay bcs ive drawn him the most and like have stared at his face for hours so...familiar...yeah... #and i do in fact look at a fuckton of nando pics BUT GOD HIS FACE IS SO DIFFICULT #he just has very like odd features i guess. AND HES VERY HANDSOME FOR IT but god they do not lend to easy drawing #i miss oc drawing where theres no accuracy really required since its all from my head #not that im never drawing ocs again. theyre still my beloved but i dont rly have any ideas atm for them :< #wanna draw rüß as an f1 driver tbh bcs ive been maladaptive daydreaming about that for the past few weeks #but as you know im somewhat allergic to drawing racesuits 😭 #also im wondering if drawing chibis so much fucked up my sense of style bcs now i struggle sometimes w proportions #i just. dont want to be burnt out anymore. i know its something you cant really force yourself thru #and also that you shouldn't force yourself cause it just makes it worse but #idk. i wanna draw so badly 😭 and i do it and sometimes it works out and sometimes im just staring at the screen like. oh. #i want to also finish the pt 2 to the boy king ficlet. i always randomly add a few paragraphs to it #blah blah anyways just thinking. i feel a bit frustrated and unfufilled atm i guess #like that feeling in your chest of tightness. its the worst. i wanna throw something or break something i guess #PLEASE JUST LET ME DRAW MY PORTRAIT OF KING NANDO IM BEGGING #he'll be so pretty okay 😭😭 i just cant get his fucking face right #ignore me ignore me. catie is: going through it #i miss the sense of urgency that drawing before my flight gave me #i like having that sense of incentive and deadline. like: you genuinely need to finish this right now. #if not then its me creating meaningless deadlines in my head that actually make me have worse burn out 🙃 #i love how before texas im like i am going to finsih all my wips!! anf then finished exactly: zero #catie.rambling.txt

[junkie-virus]

anyways. i have been feeling vaguely unsatisfied with media. mainly queer media . i dont know it all feels the same. of course maybe i could widen my horizons though i dont know where to start but im kind of tired of the halfway-redonating. i can never really fully resonate with any queer media because it only wver focuses on one identity in a way i can’t relate to because mines are heavily influenced by one another . only ever gay/bi. only ever trans. only ever white. only ever allo. etc etc

#ro rambles #i dont know this makes sense but this is my diary im writing in bloodsoaked with my sparkly pink pen and a fuzzy end with a cat bell and ri #bons #also u can literally never ever escape top/bottom bullshit in fandom. its a neverending powerplay #i do enjoy contrast ships but its always one enjoying one being coy or shy or reluctant or whatever. #idk im not even one of those niche high class media people or whatever i just want more trope subversion #or allowing characters to be versatile & dynamic (ha half joke) #not just one note always #idk im alays looking for ways to subvert things and that does lead to me being like “is this even in character anymore? like the obvious ch #oice is obvi because their personality would influence them into making that choice. but u can make it in character hilst making them choos #something that seems unexoected for them. yk. #im rmbling. #because its my blog and i can. #(aggressive) #i encourage recs but if its geaveyard boys or whatever its called dont do it i already bought and tried reading & dod not like it. #dropped it but so desperate maybe ill try it again #i just have a grudge bc its one of tge only rep i have covering like. an okay amount of bases & that i was hoping to relate to #BECAUSE EVERYONE SUGGESTS IT WHEN YOU ASK FOR BOOKS WITH THAT CERTAIN REP #& it dissapointed me #ah well #im talking. im talking . #trying to make my own gay people. settling on that. though character deesign hard…. #my thoughts are nowhere near fone but this is liter so stream of consciousness that theres no point #no sense #im just yappin #am a professional #could fo this forever

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things