#it's my greatest strength after all instead of actually writing

[cxttlefishcxller]

𝟸𝟶 𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚆𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜

I was tagged literal days ago by @residentdormouse and honestly I'm the worst at remembering anything ever sO here we are again, lads jfkdl;safd but yE BIG THANK for the tag, let's see what kind of shenanigans I can get into

How many works do you have on AO3?

Five so far, none of them finished jfkdl;safd soon to be six, if I can get the rest of this damn chapter finished for Serenade's second iteration >.>;;;

What is your total AO3 word count?

57,252! Which is honestly more than I thought it was

What fandoms do you write for?

Man, what don't I write about? -ba dum tss- But for published works, it's primarily The Stand, with some IT thrown in, then there's Undertale, Gravity Falls, and Fallout. But I promise you if I like it, I've either written something or thought VERY HARD about writing something about it.

What are your top five fics by kudos?

This is easy, there's only 5 total fjdkla;sf but it'd have to go 1: Between Iron and Silver (an Undertale AU) at 22 2: La Petite Mort (a Fallout 3 blurb from ye olde k-meme days) at 17 3: Don't Fear The Reaper (A Gravity Falls zombie AU) at 14 4: Second Lead Serenade (My primary Stand fic that's getting a sERIOUS overhaul) at a whopping 3 5: Shine On You Crazy Diamond (an AU of my Stand AU only now there's Pennywise) at 2

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yES I try to every time! Sometimes I miss them though jfkdls;fd but I'm but a small hobbit that thrives off of validation, I adore every comment I get

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

UHM. Well, technically I haven't finished a gotdam thing yet, but it'd either have to be the Fallout one (which involves the MC slowly turning into a ghoul due to radioactive necrosis) or a pseudo-canon-maybe ficlet blurb thing I'm currently working on for Serenade involving a day in Teddy's perfect world, seemingly no-pocalypse centric, until you realize that he's not in some apartment he shares with his beloved girlfriend Piper, but trapped inside of his own mind by Flagg after being shot by Nadine.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Again, bold of you to assume I've got an ending on anything I write. But I'd have to say that the happiest ending I have PLANNED would actually be for Shine On. It's running along the plot of the IT remake, so the ending will have (potentially) all of our beloved Boulderites having their happily ever afters with the people they care about most.

Do you get hate on your fic?

My dear sweet anonymous reader, that would require for someone to actually read said fics. XD No for real though, everyone that's commented, friend and stranger alike, has been SO SO SWEET. I'm so grateful. No hate yet, but I'm sure I'd feel like I really made it as a writer if I ever did.

Do you write smut?

I used to! I used to write the SHIT out of some smut! But it seems like the older I get the more I worry about it being good, by whatever arbitrary unit of measurement someone may have, and then I just clam up and fade to black instead jfkd;lsafd I hope to regain my teenaged confidence someday.

Do you write crossovers?

The further I can get from canon, the better, as far as my brainworms are concerned! I only have one OFFICIAL crossover, but if y'all could see some of the bullshit I have in my giant stack of spiral notebooks, you'd probably be very concerned.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope! At least I'm not sure why anyone WOULD. I only ever get a set amount of chapters into something before I'm spontaneously updating every few years like some literary cryptid.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

Have you ever co-written a fic?

Ohhhhmygoodness the memories. Passing notebooks back and forth in between classes to work on chunks of fics. Co-authoring Google Docs in back-and-forth narrative-laden pseudo-RPs. So, SO many Picrews. If my old laptops' data banks could talk. The stories they'd tell. In short, it's been a REALLY FUCKING LONG TIME but I had such fun with it. I'd love to do it again sometime. XD

What's your all-time favorite ship?

AUGH. UHM. If we're going for something in media I enjoy, I have so so many, but if I HAD to pick one at gunpoint it'd have to be Clarice/Hannibal. From like the OG book series. My poor friend group has already had to listen to me scream about subtext and discrepancies between media, so I'll spare the spiel but they're wonderful together and I'll die on that hill.

For stuff I'VE written? Teddy and Piper. TedPipes. ScreenPlay. My babies, my lovelies, my adorable idiots that can't quit pining long enough or can't quit fighting impending disaster long enough to realize they're already practically dating. I've written so much about them. I'll probably continue writing so much about them. I can't be stopped. jfkdl;asfd

Also for stuff I HAVEN'T written but exists in fic anyway, I'd have to go with both BirdBrains (Harold Lauder and Caktus' OC Crow) and HayGlen (Glen Bateman and Mouse's OC Hayden) because like. Have y'all seen them. HAVE YOU. Go see them. They're so so good.

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

All of them wELL that's a tough one because like. I bounce between ideas so much that it's hard to tell when I'll pick up a plot or drop a plot out of rotation only to pick it back up a year or three later. But if I had to pick one, Iron and Silver hasn't been updated since shortly after the pandemic started, and I really wish I could pick up steam on it again. I had a huge plan for it, and a serious amount of worldbuilding and backstory, but I just can't pick up the knack for it again. At least, not yet. I'm sure I'll come back to it eventually.

What are your writing strengths?

I've always been fond of my character development! I can't ever tell if I execute it well in practice, but in THEORY I have a good grasp of where a character starts and where I want them to end, and a significant chunk of what they go through to get there. I love Big Emotion. I love Introspective Pain. I love the silent struggle of Being Known. It's deLICIOUS, I keep working it into everything I write fjkdsa;fd

What are your writing weaknesses?

A: Follow-through. I have the Can't Finish Stuff disease. B: MOTHERFUCKING. ACTION SCENES. I can't get the pacing right! It feels too stilted or too flat, either too much detail or not enough with no happy medium. People who can write action scenes are glorious unicorns and I'm love them

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Wayyyyyyyy not confident enough to try it. I only know some basic phrases in Spanish, and some even more rudimentary phrases in Korean, and several swear words in a small handful of other languages. Definitely not enough to work with. I'm sure I'd manage to either do it wrong or end up unintentionally being insensitive. I'm a much bigger fan of just using italics to denote if someone's using another language instead, but that's a personal choice jfkdl;sa

First fandom you wrote for?

Labyrinth! To no one's surprise ever It was a horrible monstrosity of a trope-filled nightmare written in a Family Guy notebook in pure frigging pencil. I was also in the 6th grade. I wish I had Teenage Fef's shameless ability to write whatever the fuck she wanted. She was cringe but She was Free

Favorite fic you've ever written?

So far, Serenade is the one I've put the most thought into, and the one I'm having the most fun planning! Iron and Silver cuts a CLOSE second though; for the very same reasons, but I'm loving having the added fun of such indulgent friends helping me keep the Stand Wormies alive by hyping me up. XD

I also cast OPEN TAG! It does 6d4 Writing Damage. But if y'all want to, I'm also tagging @beyondthetemples-ooc, @jaiesondurantkross and @caktusjuice-draws in a totally no-pressure-ever tag <3

#fef writes #or really just talks about writing forever #it's my greatest strength after all instead of actually writing #but also thank you for the tag this was fun fjkdls;afd #I promise to actually write something sometime maybe #If I can ever figure out how to finish the first chapter of Serenade/Wanderlust and finally move on to the Actual Fucking Plot

[skyeslittlecorner]

im the anon who messed up the request, im pretty sure i requested the kings when mc is reborn as a devil, a while after gabriel killed them and they get reunited with the kings

(sorry if it doesnt make sense english isnt my first language & thank you!)

-🌙 anon

Hello 🌙! Everything is clear now, I actually hadn't received this request before. Good thing you asked again, because I'd love to write it 🙏

The previous parts: first and second

Satan's depression had seriously worsened since you were gone, though only some nobles saw it. His explosions became more random and much more powerful. One day, after a fight, he was walking through town when he saw something familiar. It didn't matter if you looked like your old self or not, he recognized you. He reached you, grabbed you in his arms and started whispering your name fanatically, showering you with kisses. Sitri followed him, certain he had gone mad and was hallucinating, only to be kicked. You were confused at first, but hazy memories began to come back to you as Satan took your breath away with a kiss. You tangled your fingers in your king's hair, promising that you wouldn't scare him like that again.

Mammon will recognize you when you come to see the palace-tomb erected in your honor. Somehow you felt like you should come there... and you realized why when you were pulled into a large chest. Even though he has enormous strength and huge arms, he hugged you so gently that it was as if he had a porcelain figurine in his arms. He picked you up and cupped your cheek. And then the buttock. His eyes are dreamy, he has finally found his greatest treasure. “Welcome back home, Master.”

Beelzebub didn't recognize you, or at least he didn't believe it was you when his drunk brain told him so. He had to get rid of his sadness somehow, and alcohol and casual sex... didn't help, but what else was he supposed to do? Especially since that pretty devil who joined him in the lounge looks so damn much like you? He's sure that when he gets sober, you'll disappear again. You will be showered you with kisses and caresses, he’ll steal you away all night long, assuring you that he loves you, that he will never leave you again, that he will do everything to make you come back. This is the first night in your life that you will wake up and still have him by your side. Sober. In love. And happier than ever in his life, because he realized that these were not his drunken delusions. It's you.

Leviathan rarely accepts audiences, much less from random devils, so when you came, he was going to dismiss you. Instead, his heart almost stopped when he saw you. He forgot about dignity and got down from the throne, came closer, cupping your cheeks in his hands. “It's… it's you. You're back.” Even though he had his illusions, deep down he didn't believe in them. But you chose return, you chose Hell, you chose him. You are so brave and beautiful that he feels jealous. His subjects can’t look at you, because it makes him jealous, too. He will hang his entire throne room, offering you his arm. You will be taken to his palace, and he will order to prepare a welcome fit for a queen. This day will go down in history as a national holiday in Hades.

#whb #what in hell is bad #whb satan #whb beelzebub #whb leviathan #whb mammon #skye's little talk

[mdhwrites]

What do you think about the four most popular ships in Amphibia (Sashanne, Sasharcy, Marcanne, and Sashannarcy)? Even if shipping and romance aren’t that important and only used to teach a lesson or for a comedy episode, it’s pretty obvious that the relationship between the girls can be seen either as platonic or romantic.

So I'm going to first give my one sentence thoughts on each by concept and then canon before going in deep on this:

Sashanne: A unique dynamic that is actually very context specific so hard to actually recreate and I'd argue most people don't even try or get close in fan works (myself included)/I do like them but I 100% think they needed a couple years to figure out their lives away from each other or else post Amphibia they would have likely become toxic in a new way.

Sasharcy: Classic nerd and popular pairing/FUCKING NONEXISTENT.

Marcanne: A bit more nuanced since it's much more the slacker and the passionate one as far as a dynamic goes but not in the way you expect./Held back by a lot more tell don't show, especially in the first couple episodes that Marcy is introduced but it's cute and you can EASILY see how this whole trip will have made Anne be able to appreciate her oldest friend more.

Sashannarcy: In concept these are actually a GREAT polyamory trio and I love that it has such mainstream appeal with a fandom/I don't think it works from the show's perspective because of how well defined Sasha and Anne's relationship is while Marcy struggles to have a presence.

In case you didn't notice a running theme, these ships have essentially the same problem as my greatest problem with the show: Marcy. Her weaker writing compared to the rest of the cast and the fact that she serves a narrative role more than she acts as her own character makes it hard for me to be compelled by her canon self in ships. It's akin to why Willow and Hunter don't appeal to me from a shipping perspective. I like characters, not plot devices. Yes, Marcy is better than both of those characters as she actually has a firmer character than either but that doesn't fix that her narrative utility comes before who she is most of the time.

The other big element that maybe has always held me back from shipping them in canon once I watched the show is actually the fact that I agree with the show: As teenagers, they were AWFUL for each other. Marcy needs her own, personal strength that she found some of in Amphibia but needs to actually put to use in the real world. Sasha brutally changed so much of herself and was clearly struggling with that, over correcting or still wanting to run even to the end. She asks if it's okay for her to abandon Marcy after all, even after she's gone so far to make up to Anne as to give up ALL power in her life which isn't healthy either. Anne is the closest to being ready for a relationship after Amphibia but Sprig's Birthday/Give a Frog a Cookie showed that her self sacrificing tendency for her friends and her desperation for approval still. She may do it for better people than for Sasha but she is still struggling.

They all just need time to figure themselves out as people because your relationships SHOULD NOT DEFINE YOU. That's kind of part of the point of the ending. Take the good and grow as a person, whether you lose someone by choice or by circumstance. That includes for the trio as friends or romantically.

Okay, but I did mention something potentially quite controversial which is my Sashanne take. See... Their dynamic in most fandom works is the overzealous, brash one versus the patient, more responsible one with Sasha and Anne respectively. That is accurate post Amphibia but it also carries NONE of their baggage and usually leans a lot more on Sasha's tomboy nature instead of the fact that Sasha is a girl who can both kick your ass and then worry about having chipped a nail. The complexities of Sashanne that make it so compelling in the show just don't show up as much except as an obstacle to get over to get together. That works for shipping but it's not why their friendship is as complicated and interesting as it is in the show. It doesn't have the punch it should and it's damn near impossible to replicate because that level of history is hard to depict. It only functions in the show as being well depicted because of how much time is spent essentially breaking Anne out of Sasha's control, which is part of it. Anne is someone who pretty much left a cult and Sashanne is her having to decide to now be with her cult leader but not slip back into the mentality the cult taught her. That's... not easy to put it mildly.

But then again, a lot of people just take Sasha and Anne working together for a greater cause to mean they have literally no issues anymore despite Sasha's Angels existing. I guess that happens when somehow the entire fandom doesn't give a fuck about Amphibia but only the trio. sigh

Let's end this on a positive note though which is that if I am so rough on essentially all the Sasha relationships for needing time for Sasha to genuinely internalize her lessons, Marcy is the opposite. While I complained about her above, the strength to the fact that she's a pretty well defined, nice character who can be used mostly to support others arcs is that she more neatly fits into a position for shipping. Her awkwardness and nerdiness is PRIME romance fodder (there's a reason a shocking amount of romantic protagonists are clumsy but that's for a different blog) and her passion makes it easy to understand why someone would want to be with her.

And I do want to say some thoughts on Marcanne. Even if they start on a rough place with more tell instead of show, it actually does kind of work in this context. A complaint I've had about other relationships is not actually knowing what the other is interested in their partner for besides "That's the hot one." There is ZERO ambiguity here. Marcy likes Anne because of her compassion, something she probably has worried about wearing out herself. Anne has always appreciated Marcy's intelligence but Amphibia has made her understand Marcy's passion far better than she did before and Anne clearly actually is into that now that she better cares about others properly. This also clearly shows their chemistry as we know the strengths and weaknesses each of them cover for the other, though not perfectly as they're both still human and the same things they admire in the other can cause anxiety and worry in themselves from comparing themselves to their partner. Marcy in Wartwood and Scavenger Hunt are all it takes for all of this to come out and it leads to more romantic chemistry, and a genuinely dynamic look at what they could be, than a lot of romance movies manage in their entire runtime.

In conclusion, I like all of them in general. In practice, I find most of them deeply compelling within the show. It's just... It doesn't drive me to want to write them during the show romantically because I agree with the show. They're complicated, both as a trio and as themselves, and they probably could use a more solid ground for themselves before they really start working on each other.

And that is honestly even better to me because it just makes them all the more interesting.

======+++++======

For anyone curious why I didn't talk about Sashannarcy at all despite literally being a polyamory writer, it's because I kind of wanted to keep it to the ships that I think are properly represented in the show and Marcy and Sasha get essentially zero time together to try and form a relationship beyond "Marcy thinks Sasha is really fucking cool while Sasha barely gives Marcy the time of day if she's not also giving attention to Anne." The theoretical would be fun to talk about but it's pretty much only the theoretical and I decided to keep the blog more focused on the practical.

Also had a moment after this of going "Huh. I wonder how much of me being demiromantic is playing a part in how I see these.?

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

#amphibia #Marcanne #Sashanne #Sasharcy #Sashannarcy

[doodle-pops]

Dear Mina,

Question: How would the Ainur flirt with their S/O?

Thank you.

a/n: Oh boy, did I have a ball of a time laughing as I wrote these. These aren't different from my Ainur Simp headcanons. The only difference is the new members.

The Ainur Flirting with their S/O

Manwë

Dances and swoons you like a tropical bird but with more elegance and charisma. Expect to be asked to dance at festivals and balls or receive lots of jewellery (sparkles). Know that he will serenade you all the time, dedicating each piece for you (yes, he writes them).

Irmo

Doesn't waste the opportunity to be at your side whenever you are alone. Asking you for walks and tucking flowers into your hair while citing poems. Kissing the back of your hand and looking you deep in the eye while charming you with his charismatic self. Sends you the sweetest dreams ever, and you never suffer nightmares.

Námo

Oh boy, after his brother gave him advice, he would invite you to dinner frequently and ask you about your day. He wants to learn about you instead of flirt, so his approach is more gentlemanly and professional (he's a serious man). Give you a bouquet of your favourite flower and something to symbolise his affection towards you.

Ulmo

He spends most of his time with you on the beach or near any open area of water, but mostly the beach. Taking you deep underwater and showing you aquatic and oceanic life. Gifting you pearls and the prettiest seashells he can find. His favourite moments would be to sit with you on the sand under the moonlight.

Tulkas

Shows off his strength as proof of his admiration for you while also praising yours. He's a pleaser and would do anything to make you smile. Going out of his way to lifting your spirit (and lifting you) through his praises. Every defeat is done in your honour.

Oromë

Shows off his skills as the greatest Huntsman and brings produce for you every month (his ability to provide). Frequently visiting and teaching you the ropes of hunting. Expect to be gifted a few animals if you're an animal lover or have his special creatures show up to gift you some souvenir that he planned to give you months ago and was nervous about.

Melkor

He's seductive about his strategies and prefers to seduce you. He's always standing close and pushing your hair out of your face or neck or resting a hand on your back. He loves to hand-feed you himself for some reason, like strawberries or have you sample his wine from his glass.

Eönwë

Just like his King but boisterous and flamboyant about it. He goes all out and would perform aerial dances or find you little pebbles and shinies out on his flights. He would even take you on flights just to have you cling to him. Always gifts you a feather to have a piece of him.

Tilion

He is quick to visit during the day and spends every moment at your side asking you about your day. Gifts you little trinkets that are different moon phases and tells you he'll watch over you when you're asleep. He has the tendency to break the moon's course just to shine moonlight on you even if he gets scolded.

Ossë

Collects pearls and seashells and prepare them on a turtle shell as a gift to you. Whenever you're in the water, the tides tend to become calmer or around you. He loves to give you the advance over others when you're sailing on the seas. Sends sea creatures to gift you little trinkets whenever he can't make it.

Mairon

You're the only person who is allowed to be within contact distance and touch him. He greets you with a cheerier melody compared to everyone else and always waits on you hand and foot. Actually compliments you and gifts you pieces he made himself. There's a softer look on his face when you're around.

#mini headcanons #mairon x reader #osse x reader #tilion x reader #eonwe x reader #melkor x reader #orome x reader #tulkas x reader #ulmo x reader #namo x reader #irmo x reader #manwe x reader #valar #ainur #maiar #doodlepops responds

[goaliekisses]

So no, Malkin’s actual 1,000th NHL game wasn’t accompanied by a celebratory vibe. Instead, it was another game played without his parents, one in which he wasn’t the star attraction but rather a supporting actor.

This isn’t how it should have been for Malkin. But just as he was once inexplicably left off the NHL’s own list of its 100 greatest players — a decision that none other than Mario Lemieux called “a joke,” a snub that Malkin said “hurt me deeply” — Malkin was left to play his historic 1,000th game largely in the shadows, which is where he’s spent much of his career.

And Malkin, probably more than any all-time player, certainly more than any player to do as much as he’s done, deserved a day in the spotlight for his 1,000th game. He certainly deserved to feel better about making it to this grand achievement.

“I agree,” Malkin said a few weeks ago. “But it’s not my control.

“Maybe you can write?”

During Malkin’s first season, we spent many days getting to know one another by engaging in short, seemingly unimportant conversations. Topics ranged from what he ate for breakfast to why he used such a short hockey stick. Those short talks led to deeper dives down the road.

More than a decade later, on my second trip to Moscow to visit Malkin for work, he stopped one of our interviews to thank me for “writing Geno stories.”

“You’ve been good for me,” Malkin said.

Actually, it’s Malkin who has been good for me. He’s been there for me, too.

Around a year ago this time, I was sick and couldn’t work because of the sudden onset of Functional Neurological Disorders. At the same time, Malkin was finishing his recovery from a second major knee surgery. Monitoring his comeback attempt from afar, mostly through updates from Gonchar and Malkin’s wife, I realized my condition would not afford me the chance to see Malkin’s return game. So I did something I try not to do too much and reached out directly to Malkin during a season — to wish him well, but also to let him know how happy I was for him to be back doing what he loved.

I could barely speak but couldn’t write, so I sent him the best video I could.

A Penguins employee sent me an email the next day. In it was an explanation that Malkin had received my message, but was focusing on his own recovery at the time.

A few days later, Malkin reached out himself. He explained he didn’t know how to respond to seeing a video of me stuttering and shaking. He said it rattled him. He said he was worried about me. He also offered to “help in every way.”

I couldn’t let him, of course. We’ve probably too often inched too close to the line that should divide a reporter and an athlete. To accept help financially from Malkin would have been wrong.

Still, I’d be lying to say his gesture didn’t mean the world to me. In fact, it largely inspired me to be public about my disorder and attack it — just as Evgeni had always attacked things in his life.

He didn’t cede to either Ovechkin or Crosby upon arriving in the NHL, but rather Malkin challenged them — and for a brief spell surpassed both — in their three-man arms race to become the world’s best hockey player.

He’s worn his heart on his sleeve after professional setbacks, whether they be injuries, tough team losses or personal failures to produce up to his standard. He’s taken fair criticisms and turned them into strengths, which is how Malkin went from not knowing the names of some teammates in his first few years to now being alongside Crosby now as a Penguins leader.

What we see isn’t often what we get with Malkin, because he uses his “Geno” character as a form of protection. Some people are lucky enough to have witnessed Evgeni, and that guy is a proud, loyal, determined, funny and caring emotional player and person.

Despite all the imperfections surrounding his 1,000th game that could imply otherwise, Malkin has always been more than The Other for the Penguins and for Pittsburgh.

can’t believe r*ssi is attacking us like this

#GENO... he's so good #evgeni malkin #pittsburgh penguins #sidney crosby

[terramythos]

TAYLOR READS 2023: SYSTEM COLLAPSE BY MARTHA WELLS

Title: System Collapse (The Murderbot Diaries #7) (2023)

Author: Martha Wells

Genre/Tags: Science Fiction, First Person, Agender Protagonist

Rating: 9/10

Date Began: 11/19/2023

Date Finished: 12/31/2023

In the aftermath of the alien contamination incident of the Adamantite colony, Murderbot and its humans face a new challenge. Barish-Estranza, a major corporation, seeks to claim the planet and its inhabitants as salvage, which would doom the colonists to contract slavery. To save them from this fate, the non-corporate humans must find a way to convince the colonists to trust them and reject Barish-Estranza’s offer.

But after a nervous breakdown, Murderbot has problems of its own. Unable to trust its own judgment, Murderbot must come to terms with its distressingly human response to the traumatic events of Network Effect— all while keeping its humans from accidentally killing themselves in the cutthroat political climate Barish-Estranza brings to the Adamantite colony.

“On the team feed, Ratthi asked, Can we come down and help you, SecUnit? No, I told him. He hadn’t asked me what I was doing, probably because he was afraid I didn’t know. Which, valid, but this time I actually did know. I continued around the edge, because if I was right, the first one would be directly attached to the pad. If it wasn’t here, I was going to look incredibly fucking stupid and the humans were going to assume because of redacted I— Oh, here it is.”

For live reading notes, check the reblogs (contains unmarked spoilers).

Content warnings and review (spoiler-free and spoiler versions) under the cut.

Content Warnings: Mentioned -- Murder, torture, sexual slavery. Depicted -- Slavery, PTSD, self-hatred, emotional manipulation, dehumanization, violence, gore (kinda), death (implied)

**SPOILER-FREE REVIEW**

This section is spoiler free for System Collapse, but not The Murderbot Diaries as a whole, so please keep that in mind!

I've consistently enjoyed The Murderbot Diaries throughout its run. The strikingly relatable narration Murderbot supplies makes the books approachable and entertaining to read, despite often delving into disturbing and dark subject matter like slavery, depression, and anxiety. The book chronologically preceding this one, Network Effect, is one of my favorite novels of all time. While System Collapse doesn't reach those heights (and it doesn't need to), it's yet another story following Murderbot's adventures and struggles with personhood, so I predictably liked it.

System Collapse occupies a more transitional space than previous entries. We end the novel in much the same place as in Network Effect, literally and metaphorically. Murderbot makes the same decision it does at the end of Network Effect; to leave its Preservation humans and travel with ART and its crew instead. I question whether System Collapse was originally planned when Network Effect was written; as a story, it feels tacked onto that entry. It's just more of that book-- a continuation of some loose threads from it.

However, this isn't a criticism, at least not yet, because despite feeling similar to Network Effect, System Collapse introduces critical character development in order for the next arc, which I imagine will focus more on ART and the University, to succeed. I'll get into more detail about that in the spoiler section, but I have no problem with a break from the extreme high stakes tension of Network Effect to spend time developing various characters, including Murderbot itself, especially going into the next story arc.

**SPOILER REVIEW**

By far System Collapse's greatest strength is how it addresses Murderbot's trauma post-Network Effect. If I'm right and this entry wasn't originally planned, I'm glad Martha Wells decided to write it anyway, because leaving the long term effects of what Murderbot went through in the air and unaddressed would be a disservice to Murderbot as a character and readers who have undergone similarly traumatic experiences.

In particular, Murderbot experiences a realistic depiction of PTSD, something it's disturbed by and ashamed about. System Collapse can often be a brutal read because Murderbot is so hard on itself, seeing itself as an incompetent failure for having a reasonable reaction to trauma. It hearkens back to earlier points in the series where Murderbot didn't really see itself as a person, something that has gradually changed over time. But one thing that sticks out to me is a heavier thematic focus on Murderbot's humanity.

Murderbot itself is a construct-- a combination of machinery and cloned human material. We know it has a human face, human neural tissue, and some organic body parts, but the series to this point has focused on Murderbot's PERSONHOOD rather than its HUMANITY, which are separate things in this series. Murderbot itself doesn't identify as human, usually avoiding the association and approaching the world as a machine would. So after Murderbot suffers its PTSD episode, when ART says “this affects the part of you that is human," and Murderbot doesn’t outright deny that assertion, it's VERY striking to a long time reader. Murderbot's human aspects have to this point been depicted as a nuisance, something Murderbot feels neutral about at best and dislikes at worst.

System Collapse makes a direct connection between a fundamental aspect of Murderbot's character and this idea of humanity. It's something that seems obvious in retrospect but as far as I know is the first time the narrative directly addresses it. Murderbot LOVES the TV show The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon. As an autistic-coded character, Murderbot's primary special interest IS Sanctuary Moon (and the concept of human media as a whole). It watches favorite episodes of this space soap opera to comfort itself when it feels stressed or overwhelmed. One reason Murderbot cites for not hating humans despite what they've done to it, even before meeting humans it likes, is their ability to create media.

Yet when we meet ART in the second book, a space ship bot with greater than human intelligence, it doesn't understand the emotional aspect of media at all. It needs to watch TV shows by seeing the reactions of others to get full context. One of the ways ART and Murderbot initially bond is through watching shows together like this. Murderbot cites "human neural tissue" as a requirement for fully understanding media. Yet here in System Collapse that same neural tissue causes major problems for Murderbot— the trauma response.

One connection System Collapse makes to Sanctuary Moon and why it's so important to Murderbot is that, after hacking its governor module pre-series, Murderbot used Sanctuary Moon to heal and rewire its brain. Murderbot has always had some human aspect to it, whether it likes to acknowledge this or not. And one of the things most precious to it is something it would not be able to fully understand or appreciate otherwise. So Murderbot has to grapple with both positive and negative aspects to, as ART identifies (correctly, I feel), its humanity. I was hesitant about this framing at first, as the series to this point has avoided addressing this so directly. But on reflection I REALLY like it, and am interested to see how the next entry expands upon this.

Beyond Murderbot itself we do get development of some newer characters. Iris, ART’s favorite human, made an appearance in the last book, but gets a lot more screen time in System Collapse. We get a sense of her self doubt, but willingness to do what is right in the face of danger. Another character I really enjoy is Tarik. I honestly can't remember if he made more than a passing appearance in Network Effect. But System Collapse develops him as a human foil to Murderbot; he was part of a corporate death squad and broke free, has trauma associated with that, is the newest member of ART'S crew, and is quietly a badass as like, a background detail, which is pretty funny. With the book's greater focus on humanity and how it relates to Murderbot, I think a character like this has a lot of potential and I'm excited to see where that goes.

Slavery and self-determination are core themes of the series, and we continue with that trend in System Collapse. Barish-Estranza are the primary antagonists and seek to enslave the surviving colonists of Admantine in everything but name, and the conflict focuses on finding a way to convince said colonists to establish themselves as an independent entity to escape that fate. While I don't think it's the most poignant exploration of these ideas in the series, it is nice to see the consistency of The Murderbot Diaries' anti-slavery message and the variety of ways it's explored throughout.

Another overarching plot thread gets expanded upon in this entry-- that of free constructs besides Murderbot. Murderbot encounters a "ComfortUnit" (a cutesy name for a sex slave) earlier in the series and frees it, and we still don't know where it went or what it has done since then. In Network Effect Murderbot frees another SecUnit which it calls "Three", who is a minor character in this entry. During the story of System Collapse Murderbot frees two other SecUnits owned by Barish-Estranza, one of whom helps them during the climax. It's implied this Unit will do what Murderbot initially did and pretend it's still under the governor module's control while continuing to do its job.

So my question is, when does this part of the story all come together? The slavery of constructs is arguably THE conflict of the series. Murderbot has given various constructs the means to disable their governor modules and free themselves throughout the series. Presumably this could cause a chain reaction over time as other constructs free each other. Is this the endgame of the series? I don't know, but I'm excited to find out.

**CONCLUSION**

As always I greatly enjoyed System Collapse and highly recommend the entirety of The Murderbot Diaries. It's one of my favorite series ever and if you haven't read them yet… DO IT! I would not consider System Collapse the best entry in the series (it's hard to beat Network Effect) but it provides compelling character development and food for thought regarding the next story arc of the series.

#taylor reads #book review #9/10 #ok putting this as a book i read in 2023 felt weird but. like it's technically true.

[aella-targaryen]

Analysis of the new posters of HOTD S2

We'll have the show in Summer, 2024 finally! The announcement has given me enough energy to write again so, let's use the dopamine and analyze the new Hotd s2 posters

Spoiler and unpopular opinion: I like them

First let's analyze Rhaenyra's poster, it's perfect, I think it shows the right amount of sadness, pain and fury. At the end of the first season I never really liked it the entire ep. 10 S1 the last shot of ep.10 S1, in the books it is specified that Rhaenyra collapsed when Lucerys died and we never saw that, we never saw Rhaenyra fell down of grief for the death of her favorite son, which in my opinion was extremely important because  Rhaenyra's children were what she loved most in the world and losing them one after another caused her to lose her mind.

By losing Lucerys, Rhaenyra was physically and mentally incapacitated and that is why she could not take charge of the black council and other people had to make important decisions. It seems to me that in the final scene of the final episode it would have portrayed Rhaenhyra's character better if we had seen her go crazy with pain instead of seeing that vengeful look. I think it would show how the loss of her children was decisive for Rhaenyra to become a person who did not have enough strength to defend her birthright, her family and her own life.

Emma look spectacular! I think  their makeup and hair perfectly reflect Rhaenyra's state of total misery and fury. In the first season we know that Rhaenyra's makeup and hair style were disappointing for everyone since they did not represent the status and the grandeur of a Targaryen princess, but I think Rhaenyra's image now perfectly reflects her feelings .

I loved the reflection of the flames in Rhaenyra's eyes, which look sad but at the same time angry and powerful.

Now let's talk about Alicent.

I have read on the internet that many complain that Alicent should not appear in the first two promotional posters since she is not Rhaenyra's rival, that the Black Queen's greatest rival is Aegon and I (partially) disagree.

I think we often forget that in the books Alicent is the main villain in Rhaenyra's life, Alicent was the adult woman who bullied Rhaenyra since she was a little girl, Alicent was the big villain in Rhaenyra's life. As Rhaenyra grew she gained influence and power, she was on equal footing to confront Alicent, her stepmother was no longer a villain, she was now her rival. For a long time Aegon was just a means that Alicent used to seize everything that belonged to her stepdaughter and it is only later in the story when Aegon rebels against her. The sides are called “The Blacks” and “The Greens” because of Rhaenyra and Alicent's dresses, not because of Aegon and Rhaenyra, it has always been The Princess  and The Queen, not The Prince and The Princess.

In the shown I was upset that they couldn't develop a story where Alicent and Rhaenyra are rivals, this is implicit and the birth of their rivalry and hatred can be seen in episodes 6 and 7, but for some reason they decided to show a kind of reconciliation between them in the ep. 8 when their hatred was supposed to be greater than ever, in ep. 9 showed that they understood NOTHING about Alicent's character since she was one of the people who caused the war between the greens and the blacks and in that episode they made her seem weak and indecisive. Alicent in the book is an interesting and strong character who went to the ultimate consequences to achieve fortune and power, a character who never accepts defeat, who never gives up and who only loses her strength and her mind with the passage of time and when all her weapons have been defeats.

In the S1 we see an extremely soft, whiny version of Alicent, lacking character and power.

I didn't mind seeing her as an abused and obedient child at first, what bothered me was how the show tries to show that Alicent in her adult stage is STILL a victim of circumstance, that she is actually so innocent, that she is just a little girl who STILL continues to be used by the men around her because she is too weak to defend herself. In the s1 we never see Alicent really grow, have ambition and strength. We only see a woman who allows others to walk all over her and who commands no respect.

But liked how Alicent's appearance demonstrates the opulence of the House  Hightower, given that at this moment, they are the winners of the game and govern  king's landing and the Red Keep,  what I don't like is the facial expression of Alicent. I wanted to see a powerful Alicent rise up in anger against her stepdaughter who threatens her status, her fortune and the lives of her children, her grandchildren and her entire family. I wanted to see a queen willing to fight for what she wants. And yet what they have given us is an Alicent with a soft and innocent expression, as if she had not been the one who incited a war between her son and his stepsister.

So that's it, in summary, I really liked the promotional posters, the only thing I didn't like was Alicent's goody-goody expression.

#hotd #rhaenyra targaryen #alicent targaryen #hotd analysis #daemyra #hotd s2

[curse-04]

Written for @hinnyfest

Prompt 1: First I Love You

------------

A/N: This scene is from a prologue to a fic I was thinking of writing. It changes HBP a little bit, and it changes DH completely. But mostly it's an After The War fic that covers the time from Dumbledore's Funeral till the time Harry and Ginny get married (so about 3 or 4 years).

This scene isn't necessarily based on the prompt, but it does fit the requirement, and I couldn't think of anything else that others weren't already doing.

Also, for context, Harry and Ginny get together in March instead of in May in this story, and Ginny is born in September 1980 (to avoid the Trace).

------------

"We need to talk," Harry said.

Ginny looked at him and nodded. Unable to do anything else but accept the fact that he would tell her that they would have to break up because he, Ron, and Hermione weren't returning next year. He hadn't told her why, and she hadn't bothered to ask. Hermione did tell her that they were going on a trip though, which made absolutely no sense to Ginny.

He stood up and offered her an arm. She linked hers through it, and he led her away from the Funeral and toward their most frequented spot near the shore of the Black Lake where he cast a Muffliato around them as they sat down.

"I've been keeping something from you," he said, playing with the hem of his robes.

"What is it?" She asked after a few moments passed in silence.

He looked her in the eye, seemingly weighing his decision before he nodded to himself.

Then, he told her everything. 

The Meetings with Dumbledore, Tom Riddle's past, the fact that Dumbledore had suspected a possibility that he would not live past this year, all the Spells Dumbledore had taught him as a result that he hadn't even told Ron and Hermione about, the Horcruxes, and he finished it up with telling her about the Diary, and what it actually was. 

She listened attentively, grateful that he was revealing such a deep secret to her. At least, until she heard about the Diary, which was when her face had lost all color, and she had to fight herself to not throw up.

Five minutes later, it seemed that she had won the fight against her body, and she leaned against a rock. "Got any other Erumphent Horns you want to drop on me?" She asked in a joking manner, but for the first time, Harry missed it. 

His face closed up, revealing not a hint of emotion, but when he spoke, his voice was filled with regret. "I'm sorry," he said, looking at the floor. "I shouldn't have told you that." 

"Harry," she said, placing her hand over his arm. "I was just joking. I don't mind keeping your secrets." 

"There's still so much you don't know," he said, shaking his head.

"That's alright," she said, trying to sound consoling. "You can tell me in your own time. Or not tell me at all."

Harry shook his head. "You deserve the truth," he said, looking her in the eyes.

"Why?"

"Because I found out something very recently," he said. "And… erm, well… I love you." 

Her mouth dropped open in shock. She had never once doubted Harry's feelings over the course of their three month old relationship, but she'd never expected him to come out and say it like that. At least not now.

All of that, however, didn't stop her heart from melting into a puddle of goo, nor did it stop the smallest, most lovesick smile from forming on her face. 

"I love you more than I have ever loved anyone," he continued, looking back down at the ground again. "Dumbledore always told me that my ability to Love was my greatest strength. I always thought he was just being a barmy old man. But then you and I got together, and everything was- everything is… better. You make me happy, and I know this is a selfish ask, but I don't want to let you go- let us go," he gestured between them.

"What are you saying?" She asked softly, hoping she wasn't pushing too much.

He took a deep breath. "Will you come with me?" He asked her, biting his lip and finally meeting her eyes

"On the… trip that you, Ron, and Hermione are going on?" She asked.

He blinked at her phrasing. "It's not a trip," he said. "We're going to go find these… things, and destroy them." 

"Do you know how?" Ginny asked. 

"Yeah," Harry said. "I'll tell you that later, though. Along with Ron and Hermione." 

"And do they know you want me to come?" Ginny asked.

"Hermione doesn't," Harry began, grimacing. "Ron seemed to know I'd try and pull something like this. But he didn't seem to mind the idea if the lack of punches he threw at me were any indication."

Ginny's eyebrows rose in disbelief. "He has matured, I'll have you know," Harry said, smirking at her.

"I know," she said, fully meaning it. Ron truly had 'grown up' after the Death Eaters had invaded Hogwarts. "It just surprised me is all." 

"Yeah," Harry said, smiling. "Surprised me too if I'm being honest."

"You're sure about this? All of this?" She asked. 

"Very," Harry answered. "I need you, Gin. And I know you can help, if you choose to come."

"Well then, count me in, Captain Potter," she said. 

He blinked at her. "Really? You… don't want time to think about it or anything?" He asked, sounding like he really didn't want to.

She gave him an honest answer anyway. "The thing is Harry," she said, scooting closer to him. "I love you, too. Have done for over… well, half my life, really. And if I can help you bring Tom down, do you really think I wouldn't do so?" 

He shook his head no, and it looked like that pretty much sealed the deal for him, so she stood up, offering him a hand. "What will you tell your parents?" He asked, allowing her to pull him up.

"I've got a month to think of something," she said, shrugging. She only hoped she would be able to find something believable. 

"I'm glad to have you on my side then," Harry said softly, cupping her face and placing a soft kiss on her lips.

"Glad to be there, Harry," she whispered. 

He smiled at her, a genuine smile that didn't seem like it was plastered onto his face, and just seeing that smile reinforced her decision. Tom Riddle wouldn't come between them. She wouldn't let him.

------------

This story won't be out till I finish my current WIP (A Song of Lightning and Fire). I do hope to write this someday, but till then… yeah.

#hinny #hinnyfest #harry x ginny #harry potter #ginny weasley #harry/ginny

[noahsresources]

rupi kaur quotes.

feel free to change pronouns, descriptors, & play around with context if so desired ♡

❝ what is stronger than the human heart, which shatters over and over and still lives? ❞ ❝ if you were born with the weakness to fall, you were born with the strength to rise. ❞ ❝ loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself. ❞ ❝ your body is a museum of natural disasters.  can you grasp how stunning that is? ❞ ❝ the universe took its time on you, crafted you precisely so you could offer the world something distinct from everyone else.  so when you doubt how you were created, you doubt an energy greater than us both. ❞ ❝ you are the faint line between faith and blindly waiting. ❞ ❝ for you to see beauty here does not mean there is beauty in me.  it means there is beauty rooted so deep within you, you can’t help but see it everywhere. ❞ ❝ i didn’t leave because i stopped loving you.  i left because the longer i stayed the less i loved myself. ❞ ❝ you left and i wanted you still, yet i deserved someone who was willing to stay. ❞ ❝ i will no longer compare my path to others.  i refuse to do a disservice to my life. ❞ ❝ love does not look like a person.  love is our actions.  love is giving all we can. ❞ ❝ people go, but how they left always stays. ❞ ❝ a lot of times, we are angry at other people for not doing what we should have done ourselves. ❞ ❝ yes, it is possible to hate and love someone at the same time.  i do it to myself every day. ❞ ❝ we began with honesty.  let us end in it too. ❞ ❝ the thing worth holding onto would not have let go. ❞ ❝ i could be anything in the world but i wanted to be his. ❞ ❝ our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry. ❞ ❝ how do you redefine love when your idea of love is something that’s so violent?  when your idea of passion is anger, how do you fix that? ❞ ❝ the world gives you so much pain, and here you are making gold out of it. ❞ ❝ i notice everything i do not have and decide it is beautiful. ❞ ❝ if i am the longest relationship of my life, isn’t it time to nurture intimacy and love with the person i lie in bed with each night? ❞ ❝ how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. ❞ ❝ why is it that when the story ends, we begin to feel all of it? ❞ ❝ you might not have been my first love, but you were the love that made all other loves seem irrelevant. ❞ ❝ you have sadness living in places sadness shouldn’t live. ❞ ❝ do not bother holding onto that thing that does not want you.  you cannot make it stay. ❞ ❝ to heal, you have to get to the root of the wound and kiss it all the way up. ❞ ❝ i am a museum full of art, but you had your eyes shut. ❞ ❝ the right one does not stand in your way.  they make space for you to step forward. ❞ ❝ you were not wrong for leaving, you were wrong for coming back and thinking you could have me when it was convenient and leave me when it was not. ❞ ❝ despite knowing they won’t be here for long, they still choose to live their brightest lives. ❞ ❝ there is a difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you. ❞ ❝ i am hopelessly a lover and a dreamer, and that will be the death of me. ❞ ❝ do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you. ❞ ❝ stay strong through your pain, grow flowers from it.  you have helped me grow flowers out of mine, so bloom beautifully, dangerously, loudly, bloom softly, however you need.  just bloom. ❞ ❝ if i’m not the love of your life, i’ll be the greatest loss instead. ❞ ❝ fall in love with your solitude. ❞ ❝ like the rainbow after the rain, joy will reveal itself after sorrow. ❞ ❝ the thing about writing is i can’t tell if it’s healing or destroying. ❞ ❝ we have been dying since we got here and forgot to enjoy the view. ❞

#rp ask memes #rp ask meme #rp memes #rp starters #rp starter #quotes prompts #quotes #angst prompts #romance prompts #angst #romance #drama #memes #mine

[superkooku]

My thoughts on the apothecary diaries

(volumes 1 & 2 of the manga)

I'd like to write a review for the manga. Of course, it's just my subjective POV. I'm no professional reviewer, just a fan.

The (very) good

Maomao

If I had to pick knh's greatest strength, it's our protagonist.

Of course, many have noticed how we have an actually fleshed out female character, and that's great. But even by normal standards, she's awesome.

I could see both her strengths (levelheaded, curious, smart) and some weaknesses (too blunt, missing some social hints, getting carried away in her passion). She's also very expressive and it's delightful to see.

Finally, her sudden promotion is actually justified. She's helpful and smart.

The side characters

So far, no character has annoyed me (except maybe some maidens. But it's on purpose).

The rest of the cast may not be as fleshed out as Maomao, but they're all interesting.

I like how the concubines aren't villanized. We see how they themselves suffer, but also their qualities.

Lifa especially surprised me. I initially thought she'd be nasty, but she's quite nice. Her outburst at Gyokuyo becomes more interesting when we learn she isn't her normal self. She's just a sickly woman who's afraid for her son.

And of course, there's Jinshi. He's quite intriguing to me. He seems to put on some kind of facade in front of the others, one which matches his beauty, but it makes him seem shallow and annoying to Maomao.

Speaking of them.

The complicated relationship between Maomao and Jinshi

I talked about the characters in general, now, I'll focus on the "main" relationship.

(Right after Maomao X Poison, my OTP)

First of, yeah, Jinshi's a bit clingy with her 😅. I've seen some people dislike this fact, but personally, I don't mind it. It makes them imperfect and that's a good thing.

And it manages to stay funny instead of creepy (for now at least).

I'm pretty sure it'll become romantic, because I got spoiled 😅. Jinshi's clinginess and Maomao's comments kinda hint towards it anyways.

It's like a healthier version of "Enemies to lovers", though the first part is mostly one-sided.

(No actual hate or spite, just a bit of unease from her side.)

I seriously love how each one can throw the other off their game. Jinshi can't use his charm on her. But Maomao can't hide her schemes from him, he always catches her.

It's like a little mind game. Fun to read.

In volume 2, their interaction after the banquet felt different. I'm excited.

(also, if it becomes romantic, I'm pretty sure he'll realize his feelings way before she reciprocates, lol.)

The politics and commentary

I'm not that good with politics, so I could be wrong, but I like how knh delves into the palace (more specifically the harem).

We see how beautiful the concubines are, the lavish decorations in their rooms, but also the darker side of their lives.

The NINE YEARS OLD concubine (Lady Lishu), how women are put against each other and forced to always be careful in order to survive.

We also see how much damage superstition and ignorance can cause (r.i.p the prince), while most characters aren't dumb, but just used to the system.

There's also that sweet story on the woman dancing at night. We see how far she has to go just to reunite with her childhood friend.

Knh delves into many complicated themes inherent to the society in culture while staying tasteful.

The illustrations

Kudos to Nekokurage. The style is often cute and expressive, but some panels really are beautiful.

(like the final one in volume 1, with the woman dancing, or the freaking covers !)

The cuteness of the style doesn't make more serious scenes less impacting (like when Maomao gets angry at the maid).

Smaller points

The humor

Gyokuyo's three assistants are cute (though a bit foolish)

Other relationships (Maomao with Lady Lifa or Honnyan)

The mystery

The lack of useless fanservice

Maomao's past is acknowledged several times and not only in a negative way. Her background helps her. It's sweet.

The... less good

Although I really enjoyed reading this manga, there were some spots that (imo) can be improved or added on.

Pacing issues

I feel like some things are too fast or could be expended on.

Also, many months sometimes feel like mere days. For example, when Maomao first comes into the palace or when she spends time with Lady Lifa.

Some characters are too incompetent and mean for no reason.

MOST characters aren't dumb. There are exceptions.

It's probably made so Maomao seems even better in comparison. I don't really like this approach.

At least, the doctor is nice, but I would've liked to see him being useful. Maybe some flawed mentor figure for our protagonist.

Maomao can't do everything in this big palace. Seeing other people actually doing their job would be refreshing.

Also, that maiden Maomao slapped is a bit too "strawman" to my taste. Is beauty the ONLY reason why she gave Lady Lifa the notoriously toxic powder again ? Really ?? Is someone actually that stupid ?

It doesn't really make the moment less impactful, but a bit more frustrating (maybe it's made on purpose).

The science can be a bit vague

The vagueness can be justified by the context. This part is handled very well (like Maomao explaining what an allergy is without using modern terminology).

Especially when it comes to Maomao's immunity. I googled it and it only works under very specific conditions.

It's effective against venoms, not poisons.

It takes many years

It can backfire in the long run

It's a small problem, because expositing everything to the reader is not the way to do it and I actually don't hate this subtler approach.

There's nothing too unrealistic, but it's very vague.

Now, there are three options.

It's vague on purpose. Knh will delve into it later on. This approach would mean Maomao would suffer from her methods. I don't want her to be hurt, ofc, but it'd be interesting to delve into the problems of this method.

It'll be justified later on. Not exactly like 1, because the problems will be cancelled instead of solved (for example: she used this method since her childhood)

It will remain vague and we will have to suspend our disbelief.

Also, chocolate isn't an aphrodisiac for us, but knh somewhat explains that it's because they're not used to it like we are.

(Maomao can eat chocolate for example).

Again, it's vague but not completely incorrect, so it's just a little personal issue.

I expected a bit something like Dr. Stone that delves deeper into it, but knh's approach is also interesting. It's not like Maomao doesn't explain anything, she does, it's just more focused on the knowledge she can gather in their era.

Final thoughts

But it's not 100% realistic and focusing more on the "apothecary" part of knh (without forgetting the characters) would be beneficial.

I love this manga and although it has it's little flaws, it's really a wonderful discovery.

I'm very excited to learn new things about the characters (especially Maomao and Jinshi) and the palace in general.

I give it 8.5/10 🤩

#the apothecary diaries #knh #maomao #jinshi #lady gyokuyou #lady lishu #lady lifa #honnyan #not a reblog

[afoxysunny]

So every time i listen to The Greatest Show from the greatest showman (this version specifically if you wanna check it out) i have to think about the circus episode of Lazytown bc my brain is rotten like a villain number one.

So today i want to finally write down some of this au that has formed in my head

Au where Robbie is an actual Circus leader and the kids are actually part of his circus

Let's start with Robbie Rotten, Ringleader of The Runaway Razzle-Dazzle. Rumor has it that he built this traveling circus up from nothing after running from a life where his ingenuity and flare for the dramatic where never appreciated and even forbidden, though nobody knows if that's actually true. His circus almost seems like a different world where neither physics nor time seem bound to their normal, boring behavior. Much like the name of his business and mysterious backstory imply, his fellow performers are all young children who, for one reason or another can't or don't want to go back home. Everyone has a weirdly descriptive name for their act and personality so, much like Robbie Rotten himself, surely they wear fake names for fun and flare.

Now let's go through the kids in alphabetical order

Ella Rotten - for all that's known she could be related to Robbie though people also say she was probably just the first to join him. She never says a word and does most of her talking through dance. While Robbie announces the shows she underlines him with grace and motion that should not count as language but everyone understands somehow. Behind the scenes she also helps a lot with organizations as she is incredibly charismatic

Jives Junkfood - stronger and taller than any other performer though apparently the same age as most others. His act involves some nice visual comedy and storytelling about healthy food giving him super human strength. It is said this obsession with food is a nod to the neglectful family he left behind when joining the circus. Off stage he helps mostly with carrying equipment and setting stuff up

Penny Pestella - some call her obnoxious and loud but nobody can say her magic shows aren't incredible. She is dramatic and hyperactive, knows exactly how to get attention on what she deems important and uses that perfectly for her tricks. Apparently she used to be a beggar and thief, trying to get some money going as her parents surely didn't. Her main job off stage is marketing their next shows in the new locations

Pixel Hyperbyte - a technical genius who quickly replaced Robbie himself with taking care of lights and music. Together those two are unstoppable at creating the woldest gadgets for any fantastical act. He isn't a performer himself, more a helping hand in the shadows. Rumor has it that he built the headset and arm cover he wears himself to hear again and properly use his arm in the first place

Stephanie Splitz - a phenomenal gymnast and dancer, even able to compete with Ella. When these two and Penny perform together on special occasions word travels farther and wider than the circus ever could. A jack of all traits but a master of none? Stephanie seems to excel at most everything she tries out and therefore quickly became and invaluable member of the whole circus. Apparently she joined the circus after her family sent her away when they didn't feel like they wanted to give their child the time of day anymore and instead of going to her politically powerful relatives she became a performer. Though, who would ever believe such an obvious lie, if she really was part of an influential family they certainly would've found her by now

Stingy Spoilero - another one rumored to be a descendant of a rich family, if that was true it was no wonder nobe of them came to get him though as his act was mostly based on making a comedic farce of rich man's stereotypes and a lot of physical comedy with the help of whoever wanted to play the sensible everyperson for Stingy's character to bounce off of and juxtapose. Despite supposedly having been kicked out of a high society family for not being talented enough in business he usually mans the ticket sales and other expenses of the whole circus without any issues

Trixie Troubleby - an unusual and rash girl, fearless and daring. She walks the tightrope like she's on the ground, throws knives without any show of it taking effort or concentration and even sometimes performs with Jives to prove her strength as well as gladly playing the villain for anyone who needs one in a set they want to perform. While talented in many physical areas she lacks the grace and grandeur her fellow performers like to put on. It is astounding how little is known about this powerhouse, though some whisper she must've run from a family completely opposite of her nature or else there would be no reason for her to not work a normal job.

Ziggy Zweets - the youngest of the performers and therefore not yet allowed on stage. He might be the most enthusiastic in the whole circus though and will help anybody there with everything he can, building on every skill he has until hopefully he will find the performance for himself. He definitely has the knack for putting on a good show already and simply needs to refine and calm himself which lead to many in the audience believing he joined the circus without a good reason to leave home while just as many speculate such a happy young boy would not leave home without something horrible to hode in his past

This post is a Kilometer long but we have one more person to cover

Sportacus - a wandering hero, as little tying him to one place as the wandering circus he was sent to investigate. A couple sent him there to find their sweet zweet son who ran off for absolutely no reason they could imagine. Sportacus tries to join the circus to find out why so many children would not go back home and if they're in danger in this circus taking them so so far away. But when he gets to know all them and this found family they have together he has to face that sometimes someone's parents aren't the best to grow up around

#lazytown #Circus au #Looooooong post #I'm so sorry guys i got carried away

[fireemblems24]

AM review! I loved hearing what you thought of the route, and I was wondering about your favourite quality of each Lion? 👀 - travelling-on-the-octopath (via main)

I am so so sorry this took so long to write, but I really ended up taking my time thinking about what I love about all the Blue Lions so much. Bonus I also included Rodrigue and Gilbert.

Dimitri - 

Oh, geeze, only one thing? Well, since I just posted about his sense of duty and how he doesn't pull the "woe is me for being so privileged" card, I'll talk about his compassion instead. I love how this is both his greatest strength and weakness. How he gets so influenced by other people's hurt and doesn't know how to put healthy barriers up. But it's also that side of him that emphasizes so strongly with Byleth and coaxes the emotions out of her, the side of him that finds it in himself to forgive Edelgard. I also love how amazing his character arc is, and how he loves helping people so much, and I could keep going lol.  

Dedue - 

He's both the gentle giant who loves gardening and cooking, but utterly terrifying and completely badass in his loyalty to Dimitri. I also love how he handles Duscur. He admits to hating Faerghus for what they did, but that doesn't blind him to total prejudice. When confronted by Ingrid, he doesn't feel the need to personally carry the weight of her prejudice and "teach" her differently, letting her come to her own conclusions. I just think it's neat to see a character who experiences racism that isn't the one pressured to change, it's everyone else who has to do that leg work. 

Felix - 

I love what his character arc changes say about his character and that he even gets them, but that's too long for this. My favorite thing about Felix is how tragic parts of him are. Felix cares about his friends and family with his entire heart, but has no skill at communicating or processing complex emotions. He hates seeing them all hurting, hates himself for being unable to do anything, and ends up hurting everyone he cares so much about. It's what makes his arc so powerful in AM that he matures out of that. 

Ingrid -

I love how she takes a common FE character tick (massive eater), but turns it into something serious. But more than that I love how realistic her struggle is. She has her own dreams and passions and naturally wants to pursue them, but actually addresses and acknowledges the benefits of a political marriage rather than just waxing poetic about wanting "romantic love." Bouns points because her struggle isn't "I want to marry for love", but "I want to be a knight" wayyyyy cooler. 

Sylvain - 

I'm going with the expected answer here with his complexity. His excessive flirting isn't treated as a joke, but a side-effect of a serious psychological damage and treated as a serious issue too, not as a wish-fulfillment trait. But he's also one of the best and brightest leaders in this game, and is so painfully loyal to his friends and family. It's a crime against his character that he's so easy to recruit. 

Mercedes - 

She embodies that "I'm a healer, but . . ." meme. Mercedes is incredibly sweet and cares about everyone, but she's not a boring or one-note character and her gentleness doesn't make her a pushover either. She is not afraid to share her mind. I also love how she enjoys trolling everyone with ghost stories. You know Annette and Ashe suffered many a night because of her. 

Annette - 

I love how determined she is once she sets her mind to something. Whether it's her studies or trying to find her father, Annette goes after what she wants and puts 100% into everything. Not being the best at studying doesn't deter her either, she just admires others who don't have to try as hard and tries to learn from them.

Ashe - 

I'm cheating and using something from Hopes. I love how Ashe decided to fight for what he believed in. He worried about and considered what Lonato would do, but ultimately chose to follow his heart and do what he thought was right, and that takes a lot of courage. 

Gustave -

How he's able to overcome his immense depression when needed. Gustave is still racked with guilt, still believes himself unworthy of his family and Faerghus, but he's able to work through that and ultimately come through in the end. 

Rodrigue - 

His ability to balance being himself and an effective duke. He seems to know when it's ok to just be a father or just Rodrigue and never comes across either too married to duty or like he ignores his responsibilities for his own desires. He seems quite mature in his outlook on life. 

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #three houses #blue lions

[mattyknees]

For the ask game, every multiple of 5.

bestie that's so many

5: what does your latest text from someone else say?

"This robot is trying so hard" in response to a youtube shorts link i sent

10: when is the last time you played the air guitar?

people actually do this??

15: do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind. always. i fucking hate getting my picture taken. froggie can attest to this after she made me get after i got BeReal

20: what is your greatest weakness; greatest strength?

damn we're going with the serious ones tonight aren't we? i like to think that, in face-to-face irl situations, i'm a good listener. i just fucking suck at responding. especially after my covid infection, i can't brain-to-mouth words anymore. the edit feature on imessage has helped this significantly since 99% of my interactions happen over that text platform but hooooooly shit i'm so bad at speaking

25: do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i really like facetime but i fucking HATE looking at myself in the little window so i'll usually point it directly at my ceiling unless it's with One Specific Friend, mostly bc she's already seen me naked so her seeing me at Not My Best isn't a big deal and also like. idk i just fucking Hate My Face lol

30: stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? do the same with your left.

since i'm in bed and the only thing to my right is... the air. pumpkin is directly in FRONT of my right arm so i'll go with that. my phone is in front of my left arm.

35: to you, what is the meaning of life?

dude i don't even know. fuck around and find out. see more than twelve thousand trees. don't tell your friends they do too much yoga. own a cat. have at least one sex-induced medical emergency. confuse a seagull for an eagle when you're high as shit and get laughed at for it. drink a truly on the beach and watch the tide come in. eat so many cherries you shit yourself forty five minutes later and don't regret a single second of it. buy all of the notebooks you see in the bookstore and don't write in any of them. sleep outside when it's warm enough. take care of a houseplant. go far enough away from the city to actually SEE the stars. work with children. cry because of a dumb movie. breathe.

40: do you drive? if so, have you ever crashed?

yes: coming home from the seattle/tacoma metro area i got hit by someone going 90mph (145 kph) on the interstate. genuinely thought i was fish food that day.

45: what's the worst injury you've ever had?

probably the time i attempted rifle and caught it w/ my skull instead of my hands.

50: do you believe in magic?

eh

55: love or lust?

insert "why not both" gif

60: is there anything pink within ten feet of you?

yes, a couple things. a couple of bowls, a bag of potting soil, my sharps containers, some animal shaped erasers, a solid 50% of my sex toys are pink for some reason.

65: top five favorite blogs on tumblr?

peach, froggie, lou, steph, and vati

70: are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

i would choke me out without hesitation i do not understand how froggie tolerates me to be honest with you

75: what are the last four digits of your phone #

what are you a cop???

80: what size shoes do you wear

i don't know bc it's changed since i've started t and now none of my shoes fit

85: what's the last song you listened to?

i wanna get better by bleachers (title of my current wip comes from this song!)

90: you wake up to find that you're surrounded by mummies. they aren't doing anything, just standing around your bed. what do you do?

assume i'm dreaming and try to go back to bed

95: you just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. you have to depart right now. where are you going to go?

do i HAVE to??? i don't have a passport and i don't like airports :(

#asks #answered #anonymous #my post

[nutscentedalien]

Let’s Talk About Majin Vegetables

I started writing this as a joke but kept going since it let my brain avoid thinking about god damn TROMBONES for one freaking moment.

Alright, let’s talk about Majin Vegeta. At a glance our boy seems like a painfully generic angry asshole without any substance or is “meaningless” but I disagree! Here’re some thoughts on what was probably going on in that ENORMOUS FOREHEAD.

Struggles with Motivation

After Kakarot died to Cell, Vegeta lost the motivation to fight. He flies off alone after saying: “I am no warrior, I’ll never fight again”.

Genuinely a sad moment for poor Geets. Of course he eventually kept training but it wasn’t the same. With Kakarot gone, his title of being the greatest Saiyan, his birthright, the only thing driving him, is impossible. Kakarot has permanently stolen it from him (since there’ll never be a fight to regain that title from him again). He probably now only trains to literally pass the time and doesn’t feel inspired.

Identity Issues

Even if he’s becoming a better person he might struggle with feeling like it. Even being domesticated and not killing anymore he doesn’t feel like he can ever fit in with the rest of the ‘Z Fighters’ (except for Piccolo, I always thought they should be better friends! But they’re both terrible at being social so it’ll never happen) or his family because of the unforgivable things he’s done in the past. Instead he embraces them, thinking “I’M NOT INNOCENT”! Feeling more comfortable thinking that, since it doesn’t feel like hiding anything or making excuses for what he’s done.

Even though it might be better than working for Frieza, he’s probably tired of trying to acclimate to Earth and being the only one of his kind left. Yeah Kakarot and the kids are Saiyans by blood but they don’t share his culture, he’s the only one. Also his tail was cut off! The only real visual difference he had from Humans. He might feel an obligation to be the most Saiyan-y Saiyan (violent & bloodthirsty) since the rest aren’t. Besides, he is the pRiNce of aLL sAiYanS and feels like he can’t let himself lose that part of himself.

Mental Strength

Geets might not be the strongest but he’s definitely got mental strength. He’s gotten his ass kicked again and again and has shown how much of a complete stubborn asshole he can be. He’s used to taking orders and working under stronger powers (his King/father and of course Freiza) and using it to his own benefit or just outright defying them. Vegeta knows that agreeing to Babidi’s Majin powers doesn’t mean he’ll have to submit to him. His willpower is stronger and he’s willing to bet on it. This also makes sense why Babidi didn’t take over Vegeta, Vegeta LET Babidi do it. I bet if he actually didn’t want the Majin powers he could have fought it off.

Majin as a Vice

Back to the motivation problem, he jumps at the chance to fight Kakarot again when it seems like he’ll have the chance at the Tenkaichi Tournament. It’s been 7 YEARS. But, on the day of the tournament, even before fighting him, Vegeta can sense that Kakarot has gained more power than him in the otherworld. At the same time, he learns about Babidi’s Majin powers. This is his ONLY CHANCE to kill Kakarot and of course he makes the reckless choice.

Very on brand for Geets, when cornered he makes AWFUL choices. Remember when he fought Kakarot for the first time? And his ego was bruised because Kakarot, some lowly 3rd class nobody, was able to land a few good hits on him, the PRINCE, and Vegeta decided to just blow up the entire planet (which probably would have killed himself too if it hit!). He’s very intelligent but this isn’t a man who’s calm under pressure.

Also Vegeta felt like he’d perform better if he could let himself be his asshole self again. He went so long without having the motivation to truly fight (7 YEARS!) and now that his chance is here he’s pushing aside everything he considered made him “weak” or unmotivated and knows that the Majin powers would help him do that. Having finally overcome his motivation problems he’s diving head (forehead!) first.

Between that and accepting the Majin powers this guy’s got freaking vices, but they DO work and dude is absolutely having a FANTASTIC time. “I have to say…it feels PRETTY GOOD.”

Besides feeling “pretty good”, he’s also LOOKING “pretty good” with the free ~*eyeliner*~ included in the Majin power package.

Notice me!!

When Kakarot has his 1 day on Earth his attention is split, he wants to visit friends, fight in the tournament, eat food, visit his family and then maybe fight Vegeta—in that order. Vegeta’s not his priority. Geets is DESPERATE for senpai to notice him. Also it’s destroying this boy’s very fragile ego that he even has to earn Kakarot’s attention and it’s only adding to his already monumental ire for this man. And especially once he notices Kakarot has surpassed his strength, he realizes he HAS to take the Majin powers to get this bastard to focus on him. Also…the eyeliner can’t hurt, right?

Learning the cost of vices and healthier ways of being motivated

When finally fighting Kakarot he realizes that even though he’s getting what he wants (sort of…) he’s royally fucked up his family in a shit ton of ways and allowed Buu to be revived which just adds to the fucked up things he’s done to his family and everyone else (the world…maybe even the galaxy lol). Motivation to save them is now powerful enough to let him let go of needing to kill Kakarot (at least for now). Also as much as he wants to fight Kakarot it’s both distracting and impossible to ignore Buu at this point.

I ADORE that on their way to see Buu, Vegeta tricks Kakarot and knocks him out. It’s a little treat for himself. Yes he does it so he can face Buu alone and steal that glory, but I like to think he also did it because he just COULDN’T FUCKING RESIST. It’s not beating him but it’s SOMETHING.

Instead of earning his title as the greatest Saiyan by killing Kakarot he instead emulates him

Just like when Kakarot saved everyone by sacrificing himself to Cell, Vegeta realizes he can at least tie Kakarot for that by doing the same with Buu. Also he probably feels like shit after realizing he’s fucked things up and hopes this might atone for that at least a bit (not much, dude still goes to hell lmao). It’s still sort of a selfish action, but at least he’s also doing it for others. Dude has got to start somewhere. It’s not until after he’s brought back to life that he’s able to actually atone for the shit he’s done (at least in Porunga’s eyes) by admitting Kakarot is the best and he’s happy for him, intentionally getting beat up in order to give Kakarot the time to save the day, and not even caring if he dies in order to kill Buu (again).

-

Or maybe all of this is bullshit and dude is just an asshole going through an especially bad mid-life crisis that no amount of push-ups, sit-ups or even juice can fix.

#majin vegeta #vegeta

[darkacey]

Amber/peridot

Thanks anon for the asks! (And apologies for taking so long to answer - figuring out my response to Peridot was harder than I expected it to be.) Original list can be found here!

As usual, my response is super long, so check them out under the cut.

Amber: Something you learned from writing your wip

Two main things come to mind

While figuring out what sort of gloves Lucas wears, I found that hairsheep leather is a special type of very supple/fine leather made from hairsheep! They have hair instead of wool, and they're primarily raised for meat/leather. (I went with leather instead of silk for Lucas because silk would get dirty way too quickly and probably get destroyed by everything I put him through).

Hairsheep Leather

Characteristics: This type of leather is known for its great strength and natural elasticity, which helps the glove to fit properly. Hairsheep is neither thick nor bulky, but is instead a lighter material to work with. Best of all, hairsheep is buttery soft to the touch, and provides lasting comfort for the wearer.

When I was stuck on the Atohl's End segment, I toured an actual salt mine and learned a ton about how it's mined, how it is/was used, and what it is/was like for the miners. I could probably make an entire post about all the stuff I learned there, but basically I figured out that Atohl's End is definitely an iron mine and not a salt mine. But I still haven't done a lot of research into iron mines lol

Fun facts about salt mines

The walls sparkle!

Mining is done through a checkerboard pattern. They take out large "rooms" in between pillars, and they have to be careful to mine within specific mud lines or else it causes the ceiling to collapse.

To control airflow, emptied "rooms" used to be boarded up with empty explosives boxes filled with trash salt. Nowadays they use heavy curtains because the boxes used to be knocked over by explosive blasts a lot.

"Anything that comes down, stays down" - this refers to the fact that unless it's absolutely necessary, everything you don't need doesn't come back up because the hoist is so tiny (4 by 6 feet), it's only cost effective to bring up salt and miners. To get anything down, they had to take it in pieces (this includes cars - they'd dismember them, discard windshields/whatever else was unnecessary, and then reassemble them underground). Tools, trash, etc were all abandoned once they outlived their usefulness.

Salt mines are a great place to preserve stuff. The one I visited has a lot of Hollywood memorabilia because the air is dry, temperature is steady, and there's next to no chance of natural disasters destroying anything.

A ton of other stuff that I'd probably spend a week explaining, but I have writing and other things to do. ^^; (That said, if you have specific questions, I'd still be happy to answer when I have time.)

Peridot: What is your protagonist’s greatest strength / weakness

I think technically Lucas is my protagonist, but I see him and Ari as dual protagonists. For both of them, their curiosity about all things gets them into so much trouble. They show their curiosity in very different ways (Lucas has to write everything down and analyze things, Ari has to experience and/or create new things). The more I think on this, though, it isn’t really a weakness. That would mean it hinders the progress of their goals, which it doesn’t. They’re just unlucky.

Hmm… With that angle, it seems more apt to say that Lucas’ weakness is overthinking, getting stuck in his head instead of actually reaching out. Lot of reasons for this (mostly related to godhood and self-imposed isolation that’s become so ingrained, it’s still there even after amnesia), but it’s also partly due to the way his brain works. (I could also point towards his dogmatic inclinations/abitrary rules, but I've downplayed those in Who Remembers a God as an implied-autistic trait for Rules as Comfort).

Lucas’ strength is hard for me to pinpoint. I could again look towards his curiosity, and his passion to record everything, but it's hard to say that he's actually good at it. (I say this affectionately, but this man is a hoarder of knowledge, and only lifetimes of experience have taught him how to have any semblance of organization).

I think what Lucas naturally excels at is his people skills, actually (which is ironic given the stereotypes about autistic people). His instinctual inclination to be a showman, to spread joy intentionally or accidentally, allows him to gain friends and allies wherever he goes. Plus, it's extra helpful to collect all the stories he loves cataloging. (Sure, excessive miracles cause him quite a bit of grief, but he's used to bad luck).

Now, as for Ari, their strength is probably just the fact that they're a jack of all trades. Whatever they put their mind to, they're able to figure out with reasonable degrees of success. (Being an Earthmate gives them an unfair advantage, but my point still stands.)

Conversely, because Ari is so good at so many things, they unfortunately feel the need to do everything for everyone else. Their weakness is their inability to easily trust other people. While this usually works out just fine (who doesn't appreciate extra help?), it does hurt their relationships when they cross boundaries.

#ask game #writblr #darkacey writes #who remembers a god #rune factory 5 #rf5 lucas #rf5 ari

[lapeaudelamemoire]

Wrote my one-page summary of academic achievements etc. for the reference request my temp supervisor asked for.

In writing these cover letters or the like I am always dumbfounded by how little it accommodates for trauma or independent study. I have an unni (older female Korean friend) who, because of her C-PTSD, is unable to continue studying despite greatly wanting to, and has trouble managing to continue her life just in day-to-day life. I find it so hard to 'sell' myself when there are huge gaps of years in my life where I have been able to do little more than struggle through what I don't know how to 'market' or 'package/present as a strength' in these academic or professional arenas. When you ask for my life experience so you can write me a reference, what do I write? 'Survived multiple sexual assaults and rapes'? 'Daily attempt to overcome my PTSD as a result of a near-deportation experience'? Do people understand how much or how many years these things can debilitate you?

Like I know plenty of people walk around with these things having happened to them and still somehow function while going to school and whatnot, but I couldn't, and still have trouble doing so. I remember being coaxed to go back to school by my ex-best friend in secondary school after all of that had happened in my teenage years, but I just couldn't. How do I explain the black hole fog that has consumed me for so many years while trying to sell myself as a functioning, profitable member of society?

Some of us die after things like these happen. I don't know how to say my greatest achievement is still being here in this sort of academic context, or that of my life experiences these are huge and heavy but I got through them and these are what have shaped and continue to shape me, and are the lion's share of what has taken up my life. If I add them up the number of years that these have taken up number at least half a decade (literally just counting one event/per year).

And I did work some, just very early on - Benjamin Button'ed the whole thing. Worked at 15 (does that count as child labour lmao), worked till I was 17/18. I haven't done volunteer work or busted my ass getting a sparkling CV because for most of that time I have just been trying to survive (mostly done while and through reading/studying, to make sense of it, etc.). 14 - dropped out of school bc of what happened at 13 (first sexual assault). 15 - second sexual assault. Still went to intern at an international magazine press. 16 - third sexual assault. Started working as a shop assistant. Still finished my iGCSEs. 17 - sexual harassment at work while at a bar/bistro, went on to do waitressing elsewhere instead. 18 - went to Norway to study and did that full-time for 2 years. (Wanted to work but couldn't find a job since I didn't speak Norwegian fluently enough. Had to be counselled about this, actually.) Graduated at 20. Went on gap year at 21 while actually also doing Open Uni - then had that near-deportation experience. Immediately went into researching unis anyway at 22, only that because of uni start times and visas I didn't start till I was 23. Learned Polish by myself in that time. Studied full-time without a job because if I can focus on just that, why not? And I graduated anyway, having finished my coursework early in 2.5 years but the graduation ceremony was after summer hols. Started this degree at 26. Will finish this year after 1.5 years, only extended beyond the one year because of their fuck-up (which they acknowledged!) in a unit my first term. The only pauses I've had between studying were because of start times. And if we didn't have to work, would we? Is it not alright to spend the time trying to make some sense of grief, or to study on your own? If someone said to me their greatest achievements included recovering from PTSD once after the things that happened to me in my adolescence that would be the most important thing I would note.

So much of my life and what I've really done and profited from have not been done watched by anyone or institutions. All the years I spent reading and studying by myself on things that I rarely find place to talk about. If I add up the years I've done plenty in studying - I just never got a degree for any of it.

It's not like I've done nothing. I just haven't done it societally-conventionally. I don't want to have be 'forgiven' for not making myself work when I didn't and don't have the bandwidth for it. Isn't it called studying full-time? Why am I supposed to also work on the side? Why can I not study by myself in that time on the side (which is what I have been doing)? Why do I feel ashamed or this need to explain myself? Fuck.

#idk. i realise this is possibly a very privileged take in terms of not having to work to support myself to eat etc. #but still. my mental health is. what it is. and i have trouble functioning at the level that people expect i guess despite that privilege #ive studied plenty on deportation etc. by myself; philosophy and languages; but i cant put that on a CV #without it having been 'witnessed' by some 'authority' #if we lived in a world with UBI this would just be normal i would hope #time to just study what you like by yourself #but youd probably still have to 'contribute' #personal #i think at some pt i studied for and intended to take the SAT as well so i could apply for US unis #cant remember if i did do the SAT in the end? maybe i did? but then i realised US unis are hella expensive and dropped the idea