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bvidzsoo · 7 months

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Irrevocable Love

Author: bvidzsoo

Warnings: swearing, mentions of human trafficking, slight sexism and misogyny, blood

Pairing: Jeong Yunho x female reader

Word count: 28,6k

Summary: Jeong Yunho was always protective of what was his. After his mother's death he stopped living a happy life, his father an alcoholic, his best friend was his only hope. The two of you had grown up together and you couldn't imagine living your life without Yunho, so when he tried to sneak onto the Pirate ship and leave without you, you were beyond hurt. Yunho only wanted to protect you, but he wasn't going anywhere without you. And so, the two of you joined Ateez on their adventures, starting your own love story at the same time. (Reader is called Bae Taeri in the following oneshots.)

A/N: Y'all, this one is a beast of a oneshot, lol. It's really long but I say it's worth it. Yunho's part is one of my favorites, so I hope you all enjoy it as much as I had fun writing it. I strongly advise you read the previous parts (especially Jongho, Seonghwa, and San's) since there are many refrences from them (again, especially from San's). If you want to be added to the taglist, let me know, we have three more oneshots left *whew*. And share your thoughts! Enjoy now!

Taglist: @pingyu-in-wonderland @marievllr-abg @lelaleleb @loveforred @horanghae8 @jeonghanscarat7 @orshii @mundayoonimnida @m3tavita @silentcry329 @icarusignite

Series Masterlist ↭ Previous Part

10 years ago

Our poor seaside village had always been overlooked by everyone. Nobody ever came here, nobody ever brought anything here to help our living situation. So, that forced us to fend for ourselves, to find ways to survive. Families who were a little bit luckier had a small garden where they could cultivate various vegetables and fruits, and to everyone else’s luck, they were generous enough to hand some out to the rest of the village. Most of us, however, were forced to go out on the sea and fish, which wasn’t always the easiest as the sea wasn’t always serene and gentle to the sailors. Everyone seemed to struggle, but you never heard anyone vocalize their struggles, always sucking it up and greeting the day with a smile on their faces, always so nice to their neighbours and people at the market. Nobody wanted their neighbour to know that they haven’t eaten in two days despite the other person being in the same situation, it was shameful. And so, it didn’t come as a surprise that Yunho never said anything about his own struggles at home. Despite being friends for six years now, we’ve never discussed anything that went down at home between our parents or the hardships we had to face daily. If one of us had even a little bit in plus to share, it could be anything, we’d bring it with ourselves when we met up and shared it, as good friends do.

After Yunho’s mother’s death he rarely had anything to bring with himself, his mother used to make very delicious pastry, but I never complained. I understood. Yunho and his father were struggling, it was very clear. His father was a blacksmith and their business hadn’t been doing well for the past two years now, it was his mother’s bakery which brought most of their money to the house and with her gone…I couldn’t help but worry for my best friend’s fate. He was becoming thinner and thinner as days went by, his eyes lacking the light he previously always had in them, and the bags under his eyes were darker than ever. It didn’t take long to figure out that he was struggling, but I knew by now, that trying to pry it out of him did nothing. It only made him close off even more, so I stayed silent. I allowed him space and time; he'd come to me when he felt ready. And, so, it came as a big surprise when I found him sneaking by my house one night, close to midnight. He had a black cloth thrown over his head, as if to hide his identity, and my eyebrows furrowed as I watched him through the window of my room. His steps were hurried and his tall frame was slightly hunched, as if to hide his height, and he kept glancing over his shoulder. Was he running from someone? Did he do something forbidden? My head spun with endless possibilities as I quickly grabbed my wool coat and threw it over my frame clumsily, eyes still on Yunho as he got further and further away from my house. He lived just up the hill, a five-minute trek away from my own house. I’ve known him my whole life. He said nothing about going somewhere tonight, so seeing him acting like that gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach. Something didn’t feel right about his demeanour, and I quickly left the house freely, not having to sneak out tonight. Three days ago, a pirate ship decked down, and since our town was quite generous with them, they paid us back with gold and many coins. Four days in a row now, they’ve been drinking away their money at the run-down pub by the old mill, all grown-ups gathering there, men and women alike. Children weren’t allowed to enter the pub, my parents forbidding myself from doing so as well, but that meant we were free to do whatever, while they drank away the night. The wind was harsher tonight as I ran down the hill, trying to catch up with Yunho, who was almost at the end of the dark street, pace quickening as he noticed me, seemingly refusing to wait for me. I wanted to cry out, but couldn’t risk someone catching us, we were supposed to be inside our homes, sleeping. Yunho was headed to the beach, towards the little gulf where the pirates had decked down. My breathing came out in ragged puffs as I sprinted towards him, the sand making it harder to keep a steady rhythm. I had grown up here, yet I never learned to enjoy the sand.

“Yunho!” I called out quietly, the wind carrying my voice over the little waves as I was getting closer to my best friend. He stopped looking over his shoulder, yet seemed to be ignoring me as I called out his name again. I knew he could hear me, so why was he ignoring me? My feet sunk deep into the sand as I tried keeping my curly hair out of my eyes, but the wind was strong down here at the beach, and it left me huffing and puffing as I watched Yunho’s body fall to the ground. I yelped and forgot about how much I hated the sand, sprinting towards him, finally reaching his side. But as I tried to help him up, he yanked his arm out of my hold, standing up on his own, head whipping around. I stared at my best friend wide eyed, confused by his reaction. It was just me, why was he acting like that?

“Yunho—”

“What are you doing here?!” His voice was snappy and I stepped back in shock; he has never spoken to me like that before. His eyes were hard and his eyebrows pulled into a frown. What was happening?

“I’m—I—” I stuttered as Yunho glared at me; his demeanour scary. I’ve never seen him like this, he’s never acted like this towards me, “I saw you through my window and I followed you—”

“You should’ve stayed at home.” Yunho snapped and then turned around, taking off again. His long strides made it hard for me to keep up with him and I kept stumbling forward as my legs tangled together due to the sand, eyes trying to fall on his face, but Yunho kept his head turned away from me.

“You should be at home too—” I huffed, still trying to figure out what the issue at hand was, “What are you even doing out here, Yunho?”

My voice raised and I gripped his wrist tightly, hauling him back, and he hissed, suddenly all up in my face. My heart was hammering as I looked up at my best friend, despite being fifteen, he was already a head taller than me. My hands trembled as he was breathing hard, but I refused to let go of him, I refused to cover under his intimidating gaze. He was always smiling, he was always happy, there was always a glint in his eyes. He always made jokes, and he’d tickle me when I was sad or ignoring him. Yunho was warm and the nicest person I have ever met. He is understanding and considerate. But I could find none of those qualities in the boy standing in front of me, glaring down at me.

“Go back home, Y/N.” He snapped, eyebrows furrowing more as I shook my head, biting my lower lip nervously, “Y/N, go back home.”

Each one of his words was emphasized, but I just shook my head again, breath stuttering when he suddenly shouted, “Go home!”

I wasn’t scared of him; I could never be. I was just confused. I started trembling as I shook my head vigorously, biting my lower lip, Yunho’s starting to tremble the longer I defied his wish.

“Y/N, please—” His voice slightly broke and my eyes widened when I noticed the tears in his eyes, “go back home, I can’t—I can’t leave if you’re here—”

“Leave?!” My voice sounded panicked as my heartbeat picked up again as I gripped his other wrist as well, scared he’d run away again. Yunho nodded, averting his eyes as I yanked on his wrists, pulling him almost into myself, “What are you saying?”

“I—” He gulped as he still avoided eye contact, voice barely a whisper, “I’m leaving with the pirates.”

The crash of the waves against the shore filled the void silence engulfing us, the stars shinning down us brightly, darkness around no matter where you looked. Yunho’s eyes shone as the first tears fell, head fallen forward as he let it rest against the top of my own head, shattering my heart into a million of pieces. Yunho wanted to leave. He wanted to leave me alone. He planned to live a life without me. I couldn’t live without him.

“You’re not going anywhere.” My lips trembled as I managed to say out loud those words, my own tears falling, “You won’t leave me here. Alone.”

“I have to.” Yunho sniffed and suddenly he flipped his hands, grabbing mine as I was still holding onto his wrists, “I have decided, Y/N. I must go—”

“No!” I screamed, raising my head and making Yunho take a step back, eyes wide as he gazed at me surprised, “You can’t leave me here! Do you understand that?! I can’t live without you!”

“Y/N,” He seemed to be in pain as he sniffed again, cupping my cheek with one hand, but I slapped it away, gazing at him with fury, “I promise to visit. I will come back every now and then.”

“You mean to say you’ll come back in ten years?” I snapped, voice hardening as I glared at him, “When I might not even be here? When I might be dead?! You mean to say I will have to live the rest of my life without you? Without knowing whether you’re still alive or not? Whether you’ll ever return to me? Whether you still—still remember me?!”

“How could I forget you?” Yunho’s voice was high pitched as he cupped my cheek, closing the distance between us as I craned my neck up to look at him, new tears falling from his eyes, “You’re my light, Y/N. The beacon in my darkness. I could never forget you—”

“Why are you leaving?” I cut him off, needing a reason. He had to have a good one if he was this desperate to go. Yunho gulped and looked away, almost ashamed, his grip on my cheek loosening, but I quickly placed my own hand over his and squeezed his fingers, his eyes falling back on me.

“I just can’t live here anymore.”

“Not a good enough reason.” I snapped, making Yunho’s eyebrows furrow.

“I just hate this life.” I shook my head again, the reason not good enough. I wouldn’t accept such mediocre issues. I didn’t like my life either, but I didn’t plan on running away with pirates. Who could kill me any second.

“Y/N, what does it matter—”

“Because you plan on leaving me behind and I can’t let you go without a good enough reason!” I snapped, more tears falling from my eyes as Yunho shook his head, the wind blowing his bangs away from his forehead.

“I hate my father.” His voice was quiet as he spoke up with a sigh, eyes falling on the sand between our feet, “He’s always been bad, but ever since mother died…I just can’t deal with him anymore. He’s drunk all day and all night and blames everything on me. He expects me to bring money to the house like my mother did, but I can’t even bake one chocolate chip cookie, Y/N. He’s never taught me his job and I can’t help out at the workshop…give it a few more months and we’ll die from hunger.”

The weight of his words settled between us as I took in a deep breath before exhaling slowly, pulling him into my body, my arms wrapping around his torso tightly. I knew Yunho hated pity, but my heart broke for him. I couldn’t stand seeing him cry, chewing his lower lip as his body trembled from the cold.

“I would never let you die like that, you idiot.” I whispered against his neck and Yunho’s body shook as he laughed quietly, before he started crying hard, “You should’ve told me sooner, Yunho. You know I would’ve helped you. You know my parents would’ve helped.”

“I don’t want anyone’s help, I’m a man—”

“You’re a boy.” I reminded him as Yunho squeezed me against his body, holding the back of my head against his neck, his body cold compared to mine. I had just noticed how thinly he was dressed and it broke my heart. His father never bothered getting him new clothes as winter was approaching.

“Boy or man, I have to fend for myself.” Yunho whispered and slowly pulled back, removing his body from mine, “And if I want to live, I have to leave right now. Without you, Y/N. But I promise you that I will return. And when I do, I promise to be rich, and then we’ll both leave this good for nothing town.”

I shook my head, about to complain as Yunho pressed his lips against my forehead, burning my skin as my eyes blurred with tears. As I reached out for him, he stepped back, and he was gone. He turned his body and started walking away, leaving me in disbelief as my body shook from anger and fear of being abandoned by the only person I loved wholeheartedly.

He was already a few good steps away when my next words bubbled out of me, “I will kill myself!”

I was fifteen. I didn’t know better back at that time, but it felt like my whole world was disappearing the further Yunho walked from me. The purpose to live seemed to dim in me as he sauntered off in the darkness. I felt powerless as he walked away from me.

“I will jump off the cliff tonight if you leave me here, Yunho!” I screamed, body shaking violently as Yunho stopped, body going rigid. It looked as if he wasn’t even breathing anymore, so I continued, “I can’t live without you, and if you leave me here, I will kill myself. I will walk up the hill, past my house and yours, and go to the edge, and jump. I will do it; you know I will. It’s a promise, Yunho. And then you won’t have anyone to return to—”

“Stop!” He screamed back and wheeled around, face ablaze as he stormed up to me, breathing quickly, “Stop this non-sense right now!”

“You know I will do it.” I challenged him, glaring up at my best friend.

“You’re crazy.” Yunho whispered speechless, searching my face for a tell-sign that I was joking. But I wasn’t. I meant every word I have just said.

“I can’t live without you.” I repeated for the nth time tonight, making Yunho shake his head in despair as he suddenly gripped my arm, hold careful, and started walking, pulling me after him. I said nothing as I kept up with him, ignoring the way the sand still made me stumble, eyes never leaving the side of Yunho’s face as he gazed ahead determined, grip slightly tightening as if he was afraid I’d rip myself away from him. But I would never do that. My heart was beating fast as I realized we were walking towards the water, towards the pirate ship. Yunho remained quiet as he gave me one final glance, a silent question in his eyes if I truly wanted this. Wherever he went, I followed. Whatever he did, I followed. So, I nodded my head firmly, and we walked inside the water, taking our unsure future in our hands for the first time.

Our fifteen-year-old selves remained clueless as to when the ship sailed off, hidden away behind some barrels in a chamber which looked like a kitchen, Yunho and I had assumed it was one since it had a stove. Our small and lanky bodies huddled close together, Yunho’s hand holding onto my arm the whole night, as if he was scared someone would snatch me away from him. But nobody did. Despite being on an unknown ship with pirates, we slept through the night smoothly, the clanking of loud dishes the only thing which woke us up. My eyes were wide as I stared at Yunho, who’s face held no emotion as he carefully peeked out from behind the barrel, surveying our surroundings. By the sound of it, there was only one man in the kitchen beside us, and I relaxed when Yunho nodded at me reassuringly, leaning down to whisper something in my ear. But our false security was quickly gone as a strong grip on my arm yanked me to my feet, away from Yunho, who sprung up after me, taking a hold of my other arm. I stared up at the scary looking old man, who’s grip was very painful, scared for my life. Perhaps this was the day we’d die.

“Let go of her.” Yunho’s voice held no fear as he stared the old man down, eyes ablaze as he tried tugging me close to himself. The old man just chuckled and looked behind him, where the man who was washing the dishes watched us amused.

“Two children,” The old man chuckled, “what are you doing on my ship?”

“Are you the Captain?” Yunho asked, eyebrows raising. The old man said nothing as he nodded, a curious glint in his eyes as he looked at me before looking back at Yunho.

“I’ll only ask once more before I throw you to the sharks, what are you doing on my ship, children?” I gulped, heart in my throat as I looked at Yunho panicked, trying to tug my arm free from the painful grip of the Captain, but it did nothing. Yunho noticed the discomfort on my face and stepped closer to me, squaring up to the Captain as he pulled his shoulders back, wanting to seem taller and stronger than he was.

“We got bored of our old lives, Captain,” He spoke with determination, the glint I have missed back in his eyes, “And we wanted to start anew. What better way than a pirate ship?”

“If you think I’m going to take you on the adventure of your lifetime, kid, you’re very wrong.” The Captain rolled his eyes and released my arm, pushing me, making me fall into Yunho. He caught me easily and glared at the Captain as he cradled me against his chest, shielding my view of the scary man as he buried my face in his chest. My heart skipped a beat.

“We’re not here for the adventure, Captain, we’re here to work. To do something with our lives. Anything’s better than living in that God forsaken town,” Yunho sighed, his confidence still shining through, “You have seen it with your own eyes.”

The Captain hummed and after a beat of silence, I heard him speak up, “So, you want to work?”

Yunho nodded eagerly and I managed to nod as well, forcefully pulling my head away from Yunho’s chest as he tried to keep me still, “We don’t want to be a burden. You can teach us anything and we’ll do as you say, Captain.”

The Captain chuckled, but I could see his eyes softening a bit. Yunho has always had charm, all the elders loved him back in our town. Every kid wanted to be his friend. I shrunk a bit against Yunho as the Captain’s black eyes fell on me this time, eyebrows furrowing, “You’re a girl.”

I nodded, scared of what would happen next to me. I knew I was at a disadvantage here, but I also knew Yunho would never let anyone touch me or harm me. I was safe with him. The Captain’s eyebrows furrowed even more, and suddenly, he raised his fingers to his mouth and whistled loudly, making my ears ring. The other pirate who had been washing the dishes quickly left the room and suddenly we heard two pairs of footsteps thudding down the hallway loudly. I felt my heart pick up again and bit my lower lip as I held onto Yunho’s arm so tightly it was probably restricting his blood flow, but he said nothing as he held me back just as tightly. Suddenly, the door was thrown open and two boys walked in. They were young, perhaps around our age, both shorter than Yunho as they walked to each side of the Captain. They looked nothing alike, yet the one with cat-like eyes resembled the Captain an awfully lot. Yunho and I glanced at each other as the Captain ruffled the two boys’ hair and then looked at us with a big smile, suddenly looking friendly, the scary man gone.

“These are Hongjoong and Seonghwa,” The Captain said cheerfully as my eyes fell on the boy to his left, who’s eyes were big and his plump lips were pulled into a warm smile, “You two look to be the same age as my boys.”

“Your boys…” Yunho repeated quietly, slightly relaxing against me, my grip leaving his arm as I detached myself from Yunho, suddenly embarrassed, and stood straight up next to him.

“My sons.” The Captain clarified and then looked at me again, “If you truly want to stay on the ship with us, you won’t have an easy life as a girl.”

I sucked in a harsh breath, finally being hit with the harsh truth. A ship. Full of pirates. Of men. And I was a girl. I shuddered and circled my arms around my torso, feeling very uneasy as I saw the two sons glance at each other before their eyes fell on me. Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed and he stepped in front of me, glowering at the Captain’s son whose eyes were cat-like as his eyes seemed to remain on me for longer, “I will kill anyone who dares touch her.”

The Captain’s laughter was loud as it echoed around us and his son cracked a smile, meanwhile the other one looked concerned for a second as his eyes found mine. He looked very nice, and soft; it was weird that he made me feel safe so fast.

“You can’t even lift a sword, son.” The Captain said once he was done laughing, and then grabbed his son’s shoulder, the one that looked nothing like him, and nudged him forward. He glanced back at his father before his eyes fell on me again and he smiled at Yunho warmly as he stepped closer, extending his hand for me.

“I’m Seonghwa, nice to meet you.” His voice was velvety and he was very polite, if we met in any other circumstance, I would’ve never said he was a pirate.

“My name is Y/N.” I said as I shook his hand, lightly pushing Yunho out of the way. He didn’t like it as he watched us closely, but said nothing.

“Seonghwa will take care of you, Y/N,” The Captain said and Seonghwa nodded obediently, “he’ll give you some clothes and help you figure out how to make you look like a man. I don’t mind having you on my ship at all, but you should keep your true identity a secret if you want to be safe. I can’t promise you anything if you decide to stay.”

I looked at Yunho upon hearing the Captain’s words and he turned his head to look at me, determination coating his gaze. I nodded at him and he sighed, jaw clenching, and I knew he was worried about me. About how we were going to pull this off.

“Your hair is really pretty.” Seonghwa suddenly spoke up and as he extended a hand to touch one of my copper curls, Yunho’s hand shot out and gripped his wrist, the other son, Hongjoong, jumping forward and holding a small dagger to Yunho’s neck. I gasped as I looked at the three boys, feeling helpless as I was the cause of it.

“Stop it, Yunho.” I whispered as I stared at the dagger at his neck, heart beating fast as Hongjoong glared at my best friend. The Captain started laughing again and shook his head, pulling Hongjoong back by the arm, Seonghwa stepping back embarrassed as well.

“I see you’ll get along just well,” The Captain said joyfully and looked down at Hongjoong, “You can teach Yunho whatever you feel like, he’s all yours.”

A dangerous glint appeared in Hongjoong’s eyes as he looked back at Yunho, and suddenly I was concerned for him, scared that the pirate would put him through torture.

“We only have one free room and one bed.” The Captain said as he turned around, walking towards the exit, “You’ll have to figure it out yourselves.”

Yunho and I nodded, not foreign to the feeling of sleeping in the same bed. After his mother’s death he slept over at my house quite often, never truly explaining why; but it’s not like it bothered me. His mother really liked me and while she was alive, she’d organize plenty sleepovers for the two of us, baking and cooking her specialties to make our night even better. I missed her.

“Like I said, your hair is really pretty,” Seonghwa spoke up again as the Captain was out of the kitchen, “But it’s too long for a boy…”

I gulped, gripping the ends of my copper hair. I really loved my hair. It was special, nobody else’s in my town was like the colour of mine. It reached the middle of my back, my curls tight. I didn’t want to cut it.

“I don’t want to cut it.” I said quietly and looked at the floor as Seonghwa hummed, rubbing his chin.

“I’ll try to figure something out, then, about clothes you don’t have to worry about, Hongjoong and I have plenty of those to lend over until we deck down in a town and buy some for you two.” I smiled at him thankfully and Yunho nodded his head, looking around the room.

“Will you teach us what pirates do?” I asked quietly, starting to feel excited about the future. Hongjoong chuckled as he played around with his dagger, pointing it at Yunho.

“We aren’t on a playground here, so you better forget you’re just kids.” He said with a scowl, eyes narrowed at Yunho, “And don’t try to play the tough guy either, unless you want to be shark food. Touch Seonghwa again and I’ll cut your hand off—”

“Hongjoong.” Seonghwa sighed with a pointed look at his brother, “He didn’t know what I wanted to do, he was just protecting her—”

“I do not care.” Hongjoong snaped, shooting a silencing look at Seonghwa, “There are ranks on this ship, and you’re at the bottom of it right now.”

Yunho glared at Hongjoong as he raised his chin, staring at him challengingly, “We’ll see for how long, pirate boy.”

Hongjoong chuckled as Seonghwa shook his head and looked at me sadly, motioning with his head for me to follow him, “You should get changed, Y/N, the longer you look like that the longer you’re in danger.”

“Promise you’ll never tell anyone.” Yunho suddenly spoke up, looking at Hongjoong and Seonghwa. The two glanced at each other before they nodded their heads, Seonghwa gently offering his palm for me to take.

“We promise.” Hongjoong said firmly, extending his hand for Yunho, who shook it firmly, “Let me show you your room then.”

5 years ago

A while had passed since the pirate ship became my new home. Yunho’s new home. Captain Kim was kind to the two of us, allowed us time to learn what we were best at, and never beat us down with his words like some other pirates, who didn’t try to hide their disdain for us. I did not understand where such hatred came from, but I didn’t dwell too much on it. Yunho was quick on his feet and too smart for his own good, he learned something new every day and mastered it in only a few more days. It was impressive, the Captain became keen of him quite fast and promised to give him a high rank once the right time came. I was scared at first, not truly understanding how I could help out on a ship full of men as my strength was quite questionable and my cooking skills were nowhere to be found, that is, until one day, Seonghwa and I were cleaning up his father’s office, only to find drawings of some old ships and boats. The designs caught my attention and after asking for permission, I took them to my room and started studying them, finding similarities with our own ship. I knew I might’ve been very wrong, but I wanted to have significance and contribute with something, so one evening, when the Captain was gazing out at the dark sea, I walked up to him and whispered to him that I might have some suggestions as to how we could make our ship faster. He listened to me with a smile on his face and the next day I found myself in charge of making the ship faster. And after that, whenever something happened to the ship, I seemed to be one of the few who knew how to fix it. I could feel the heated gazes of the other pirates, those who had been on this ship for too long, throwing insults at me behind my back, cursing me for doing more than they ever could. I had been cornered a few times too, threatened with a beating and becoming shark food, but Yunho somehow was always there at the right time, scaring those pirates off as he glared at them with the scariest look in his eyes. And once they were gone, he’d turn around and cradle me against his chest, promising to always protect me. Captain Kim was also good at keeping me safe, often warning his pirates to keep their slurs to themselves if he heard them sprouting non-sense about my physical appearance, about how weak and frail I looked. Nobody besides a select few people on the ship knew I was a woman, and I intended to keep it that way. The Captain was a great help when it came to it, always shutting down the rumours, but after just six months of having been on his ship, he was killed by a rival pirate crew while we were decked down for supplies. We had a few rough weeks, especially Hongjoong and Seonghwa, but a new order was soon instilled. Kim Hongjoong, the Captain’s only blood related son, was to be the next Captain. He chose Seonghwa to be his Quartermaster and at the late request of his father, Yunho became the Master boatswain. I was assigned the position of Carpenter and Yunho’s deputy if he ever needed help, meanwhile many of the older pirates were disregarded of their positions. Hongjoong wanted to make his own reputation, he became The Slayer, making Ateez one of the most feared pirates in the four seas and four kingdoms. Our crew grew significantly throughout the years and we became a tight circle of nine, Hongjoong’s most trusted people…and friends. Everyone was special to him, and despite not being on the best of terms with everyone myself, I knew they were my family. I knew I could trust them with my life. If Yunho wasn’t there, they always were, all of them being very protective of my gender as the older pirates were quite vile, not liking the changes Hongjoong was making.

I usually stayed up late when I wanted to wash up, preferring to wait until everyone else fell asleep, that way I knew nobody would barge in on me. The little room we used as a washroom was truly small, a few utensils thrown in the corner as we used a larger barrel as a bathtub, luxuries like that weren’t made for ships. The water was almost hot as I dipped my hand in it to check the temperature, and it brought a smile on my face, knowing that Yunho was the one who washed up before me. He knew how I liked being last, so if he could, he always heated the water for me beforehand as carrying buckets filled with water was strenuous for my muscles. I waited a few more minutes, checking again if nobody was roaming the halls of the ship, and upon hearing no movement I started undressing. I took off the scarf from my hair, unwrapping it before pulling off the bandana as well, massaging my scalp and sighing at the relief of pressure from my head. My hair had to be cut every now and then, but Seonghwa was nice enough and never cut it above my shoulders, knowing how much I loved my curls and the colour of it. I unbuttoned my black shirt, but didn’t take it off as I had to first unwrap the tight cloth from around my body, which restricted my breasts from showing too much, also concealing the form of my body. My skin itched as I undid the clasps and quickly unravelled it from around my torso, groaning at the soreness of my breasts. Ever since going through puberty my breasts had gotten bigger, and having to restrict them daily made them very sensitive and sore, on some days I could barely touch them, the pain traveling through my entire torso at the smallest contact. I unlaced my trousers and quickly pushed them off, shivering as the cold wrapped around my body. As I went to pull down my undergarment, I heard footsteps barrelling down the stairs and loudly headed towards the washroom. My eyes widened as I froze for a second, listening to the sounds, trying to recognize the person, but to my horror, it wasn’t anyone whom I was close to. Yunho only needed to take one step before I recognized him, Seonghwa’s steps were light and he was usually whistling a tune stuck in his head, meanwhile Wooyoung was always screaming my name if he was searching for me. This wasn’t anyone I knew, not someone I was close to. Snapping out of my shock, I looked around panicked, not knowing what to throw on first to conceal my identity, but by the time I grabbed the bandana to wrap it around my head, the door was thrown open. I froze, my back facing the door. Nobody said anything despite the burning gaze I could feel on the back of my head and I stiffened as I subtly tried to button up my shirt. If it was anyone, I was close with, they would’ve already apologized and closed the door behind them, even San.

“Taemin?” Fuck. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, chewing my bottom lip as I realized it was one of the older pirates, who’s voice was too raspy from smoking so much. He was one of the few remaining from Captain Kim’s crew, the old crew, and he hated my guts the most.

“Yeah?” The timber of my voice dropped, like I usually spoke to the crew. My heart was beating fast as I pulled my shoulders back, closing the last button of my shirt, bracing myself to turn around. But before I could do so, a sticky hand grabbed my arm and whirled me around.

“You’re not Taemin.” The old man’s face came in view, he was sneering at me, his breath bad as it smelled like cheap rum, he looked tipsy. I gulped before rolling my eyes, my expression steeling.

“Let go of me, you old fool.” I hissed, trying to tug my arm out of his grip, but the old man narrowed his eyes at me.

“Watch your language, pirate.” The old man snapped back, yanking me closer to himself. I tensed even more, conscious of how exposed I was. I could only pray his vision was blurry enough that he wouldn’t realize my gender.

“Release my arm, now.” I demanded, glaring at him, but suddenly, his eyes widened and his mouth fell open as his eyes travelled over my body. Fuck. I went to pull away, about to curse him out like a sailor and send him away, but the old fool was walking out the room, hauling me after himself. I struggled against him, but his strong grip wasn’t relenting.

“What are you doing?!” I yelped as I tried to hold onto the wall when he started walking us up the stairs, heart hammering in my chest.

“Shut up, wench!” He snarled as he looked back with a glare and my heart dropped to my stomach, realizing that everything was about to change. I started to trash against him, trying to free myself, but he just hissed and turned around, landing a hard slap against my cheek, making me fall into the wall. I was breathing hard, shock rippling through my body as he grabbed me by my hair and yanked hard, making me cry out, pulling me up the stairs, headed to the deck.

“Get up, everyone!” He started screaming at the top of his lungs, his harsh grip bringing tears to my eyes, “Fucking wake up! Get on deck!”

No, no, no. My lower lip trembled as I tried to turn in his grip and punch him, I knew how to fight, but this greasy man was strong and furious as he threw me against the hard wooden floor of the deck, my breathing ragged and loud as my head almost smacked against the floor. Pain shut through my knees, palms burning from taking the impact.

“You, wench!” The old pirate howled at the top of his lungs, spit flying from his mouth, “You thought we wouldn’t find out? You thought you could fool us?!”

I bit my lower lip, trying to gather myself as I heard the multiple footsteps of the rest of the pirates, then felt their eyes on me. I knew everyone would be watching, judging, and laughing. I was surrounded by men, after all, and they loved humiliating a woman. Especially the one most of them had been suspicious of for five years now.

“I am no fool!” The pirate screamed and suddenly grabbed me by my hair, yanking my head up. My body trembled from the cold and anger cursing through my veins as I glared up in his eyes with spite, “You might’ve fooled the old Captain, but not me!”

“And who are you?! You scum!” I snapped, baring my teeth at him before the back of his hand made contact with my cheek, again, sending my head flying to the side. My cheek stung from the slap, tears instantly in my eyes as I heard commotion close to us.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Yunho’s voice was deep as he screamed at the top of his lungs, voice almost cracking from the anger I could hear in it. As I looked up, cheek burning, my eyes fell on Yunho. He looked livid. His chest was falling and rising rapidly, and when we made eye contact, his jaw clenched as he took off towards the old pirate, only to be held back by Mingi and San. Wooyoung’s gaze could murder anyone as he watched the old pirate, hand gripping the handle of his sword as I saw the conflict in his eyes, not knowing whether he was allowed to help me or not as the crowd of pirates parted for Hongjoong, who’s hair stuck in odd places, his nightgown thrown over his built frame.

“What is happening?” He asked, voice tense, as he stopped in front of Yunho, keeping a safe distance between me and the old fool. I looked at Hongjoong, and when he saw me, his eyes hardened before he looked back at the old pirate. Everyone knew the old pirate has always tried sabotaging Yunho and I, even tried to throw us in the water once when we were working on deck, thankfully Hongjoong saw everything and reported it to his father instantly, as he was still alive back then. Hongjoong hated this old pirate as well, having been bullied by him his whole childhood, but he needed a good reason before getting rid of him. It seems like them moment has just come. Old fool.

“This man—no, woman!” The old pirate spat as he pointed his finger at me accusingly, “Has lied to us for years, Hongjoong—”

“It’s Captain Hongjoong to you, pirate.” Seonghwa snapped, standing behind Hongjoong tensely, keeping his eyes off me as I could see his strong front breaking each time he dared glance my way even from the corner of his eyes.

“Captain Hongjoong,” The old man said it with difficulty, hating Hongjoong just as much as he hated the rest of us, “this woman had been hiding on our ship for five years. Calling herself Taemin, exploiting our generosity, using up our resources!”

“And? Where’s the problem with that?” Hongjoong chuckled and walked closer, taking his nightgown off as he stopped in front of me.

“Where’ the problem—she’s a wench!” The old pirate screamed at the top of his lungs as Hongjoong crouched down and placed the nightgown around my shoulders, sharing a look of understanding with me, calming my crazy heartrate for a second, “This slut thought she could outsmart us! Sneaked on the ship with that boy only to be his whore—”

I closed my eyes tightly at the vile things which kept leaving his mouth, calling me names and any slur he could remember. Yunho and I made eye contact, and I noticed how Wooyoung was gone, probably unable to remain calm, meanwhile Seonghwa had to move to keep his hand against Yunho’s chest as he trembled with fury, trying to fight off Mingi and San, who were trying to calm him down. My eyes looked up at Hongjoong when suddenly a sword was handed to me, Hongjoong’s hand extended for me. I took it and stood up, wrapping his nightgown around my exposed body, grabbing the handle of the sword.

“That’s my sword you’re holding you ugly slut!” The pirate spat and I looked him in the eye, slowly, a smirk pulling onto my lips. Hongjoong chuckled and crossed his arms in front of his chest as he stood next to me.

“You’re free to do whatever you want with him, Y/N.” He emphasized my name as we both stared down the old pirate, who seemed shocked to hear my real name.

“You—you knew!” He said bewildered, his eyes falling on the crew as he realized Mingi and San were barely able to hold Yunho back at this point, Seonghwa having to stand right in front of his face and continuously demand him to stop, “You knew all along what this stupid wench was and—”

The pirate’s words stuttered as his eyes widened, looking down at his chest. I gripped the handle of the sword with both hands as I pressed it deeper inside his heart, watching with satisfaction as the old fool seemed to realize a wench was the one to end his life.

“How pathetic,” I chuckled, smirking at the man arrogantly, “killed by your own sword. By a woman.”

The man tried to say something, but I yanked the sword out of his chest, watching him as he fell to his knees, clutching at his chest as blood poured out, coating his clothes and the floor. I kept my eyes on him, watching as the life faded slowly from his eyes until he fell limply against the floor. The silence behind us was deadly, and Hongjoong shook his head, looking irritated, as he turned to face his crew.

“Well, now that this is out of the way…” He said with an eerie smile, clapping his hands together, “Taemin isn’t actually a man, as you can see. Her name is Y/N and if anyone’s got a problem with having a woman in our crew, don’t be intimidated, tell us now. I’ll let her take care of it.”

Nobody said anything, their eyes averted as they shook their heads ‘no’, shuffling around uncomfortably. I released the sword and let it clatter to the ground, eyes connecting with Yunho’s as he was finally allowed to do whatever he pleased, not even two seconds later his body crashed into mine, his whole being shaking. I chuckled into his chest, trembling as well and gulping down the tears as he turned us around, his arms wrapped around me protectively, and snarled at anyone who was still gawking at me. Hongjoong nodded at us, and Yunho grabbed my arm instead, making me yearn for the comfort of what being in his arms felt like, as he pulled me after him making the crowd part for us as I stumbled down the stairs after him. He said nothing, and I remained quiet, trying to swallow the tears which threatened to spill down my cheeks. I tried to stay strong, up on the deck, but I was terrified of what would happen to me now. Of how the rest of the crew which didn’t know about me until now would act towards me.

Yunho’s tall body was tense as he kicked the door of our room open, and I gasped as he yanked me inside, slamming me against the wall before he kicked the door closed with his foot. Yunho had gotten taller over the years, something which seemed impossible since he’s always been so much taller than me. His face had gotten sharper too and eyes steelier than they used to be, the glint in them only appearing when it was just the two of us or if he was with Mingi, who had become like his brother quickly. My heart was hammering in my chest as I looked up at Yunho, his hands coming up to cup my cheeks. He was breathing hard and the way his jaw would clench and then unclench was an obvious sign of his anger, of how much he was seething.

“Did he touch you?” His voice was barely a whisper, it shook in the quietness of our small room. We weren’t fifteen anymore, sometimes it felt stuffy inside here, but it was the best this ship could offer, and we had to live with it. Yunho’s voice had always been so soft, but over the years, it has gotten deeper and whenever he was angry, it would shake his whole chest as his voice boomed over everyone else’s. You rarely saw him mad, but when it happened, it silenced the whole crew as everyone covered away from his wrath.

“No—”

“Y/N, did he touch you?” He repeated his question, eyes ablaze as I sniffed, two tears rolling down my cheeks. I tried to keep it together, to look strong in front of him, but nobody has ever touched me like that old man has. Nobody has ever called me so many ugly things before. I regarded myself as a mentally strong person, but I felt violated. I didn’t want my gender revealed just yet, I was scared of what would happen to me next. Men were vile and they viewed us, women, as a piece of meat, good for nothing else than bringing them satisfaction. I could see it in the eyes of a few pirates up on the deck, their eyes running hungrily across my exposed body. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this.

“Just—” I gulped, shaking my head, “No, not like that—just slapped me, really—”

“Did he slap you before you got to the deck?” Yunho’s voice was too levelled, it meant nothing good. I was scared he’d throw someone overboard; he surely had seen the few pirates looking my way for too long when we passed by them.

“Yunho, he’s dead.” I forced a soft smile on my lips, grabbing his wrists in a reassuring manner, “It doesn’t matter—”

“It matters!” Yunho snapped, voice raising, “It matters because you’re no longer safe with us! Because I failed to keep you away from danger when I promised I’d never let that happen! I should’ve never allowed you to come with me—”

“Yunho, it’s not your fault.” I said with a sigh, watching his eyebrows furrow in disappointment, “I should’ve waited for longer, really. And you’ve always kept me safe, stop saying such nonsense.”

He chuckled, his voice coated with irony, “If that were the case, nothing would’ve happened tonight.”

“Yunho.” I snapped, eyebrows furrowing as I pulled his hands off my cheeks, lightly pushing him back, “I am fine. I am safe. I am alive, standing with you in the security of our room. There’s nothing to blame you for, so please, stop it.”

Yunho looked at the floor, shaking his head as he racked one hand through his hair, long fingers tangling in the messy strands of his locks. My eyes followed the motion, eyes lingering on his hand for a second too long, before my attention was back on his face as I felt him looking at me. I raised my eyebrows, a question on the tip of my tongue, when suddenly, Yunho closed the distance between us. My heart started thumping crazily as I looked up at him wide eyed, our chest pressing together, his breathing escalated as well. He paused for a second, almost looking afraid, before bending down and grabbing the backs of my thighs, hauling me up against him. My arms wrapped around his neck instinctively and so did my legs around his hips, body shivering from the warmth his own body emanated against my cold one. Hongjoong’s nightgown slipped off my shoulders as Yunho lightly pushed it off, walking us towards the bed, leaning down and laying me down carefully. I stared up at him wordlessly, heart in my throat as he leaned down suddenly, staring intently into my eyes before he dipped his head down, lips pressing against my collarbones. My eyes widened and I gasped quietly, laying on the mattress unmoving, body tense from the strangeness of the feeling of Yunho’s soft lips brushing against my skin.

“You’re not a wench.” Yunho’s voice was deep as he pressed a kiss in the juncture between my neck and collarbones, my breath hitching for a second, “You’re not a slut.”

“Yunho—” I whispered confused, trying to find his gaze, but he wasn’t looking at me as he kissed the side of my neck so softly, I barely felt it. My skin was covered in goosebumps and I bit my lower lip as I started up at the ceiling.

“You’re not anyone’s whore—you’re not stupid.” Yunho’s voice was tense as he kissed up my neck, one hand suddenly holding my hips as I felt my body flush at his words. I didn’t think too deeply of what being his whore implied, he was my best friend after all. We had never touched each other inappropriately.

“You’re beautiful, so beautiful.” Yunho suddenly whispered in my ear and I let out a quiet breath, hand unconsciously coming up to hold on to his nape as he pulled back slightly, staring into my own eyes. His pupils were slightly dilated, but he looked so serious, “You’re gorgeous and you’re smart. We would’ve long died without your skills. Nobody patches up this ship like you can. Nobody can do what you can, you’re irreplaceable. That old fool didn’t know what he was saying, he was just jealous that a woman is better than he’ll ever be.”

I nodded wordlessly, drinking in his words, staring up in his endless eyes, the glint in them pulling me in, the world disappearing around us. It was just the two of us in this room, nobody and nothing could disturb our peaceful moment. He felt like heaven. Warm and soft. So protective, so careful. Yunho’s eyes, for a second, fell to my lips which had parted just seconds ago, but I wasn’t able to say anything as he leaned down, wetting his own lips with his tongue. I didn’t know what I wanted or why I felt this desperate need to feel his lips against mine, but suddenly, I felt very thankful when he kissed the side of my mouth, so close yet so far from where I yearned to feel his. We were best friends. Certainly not lovers; and a kiss on the lips…that opened up new doors, something more than friendship. And yes, we loved each other, but not like lovers do.

“Thank you.” I found myself whispering as my hand slipped up, fingers tangling in his hair as Yunho sighed, pressing his forehead against mine. He closed his eyes and finally, I felt his body relaxing, anger having dissipated. He looked serene as I studied his face and I smiled softly, wrapping my arms around his torso and pulling his body down, against mine. Yunho moved us up on the bed and cradled my head against his neck, his body weight never crushing me as he turned us to the side.

“I promise you’re safe with me.” He whispered in my ear and I nodded, burying my head in his neck, nose nuzzling against his flushed skin.

“I know.” I whispered back, gulping, pausing for a second, “I love you, Yunho.”

Silence wrapped around us, the waves crashing against the ship rocking it softly. The moon was high up in the clear sky, stars illuminating our route. Yunho stroked my hair, and I felt the smile on his face, in his words, “I love you too, Y/N.”

Present time

Sword clashing against sword rung out in the air loudly, metal scraping metal, a sound I was familiar with. My younger self would’ve winced at the strain it exerted on my left wrist as I pushed against my opponent’s sword, but I had years and years of training, unless I strained it in some odd way, no pain would usually follow after a sparring session. I felt a grin creeping up on my face as I pushed harder against Yunho’s own sword, his eyebrows furrowed, as I managed to throw him off balance. I stepped closer, invading his personal space as the both of us were panting, the beaming sun taking a tool on us as we’ve been sparing for hours now up on the deck. The waves were loud as they crashed offshore, some bigger and more menacing looking that the others. The wind was strong, but not harsh, sailing our ship smoothly as Jongho stood in the crow’s nest, binocular in his hands and maps splayed out around him. Wooyoung clung tightly against the shrouds, the muscles of his arms bulging, as he listened closely to whatever information Jongho shouted his way, Wooyoung quickly adjusting the sails according to whatever Jongho has said to him. Whenever Wooyoung and I would make eye contact he’d grin my way, sticking his tongue out, taking my attention off Yunho and making me accidentally lose a few rounds. No matter how much I complained to Yunho that it wasn’t fair as Wooyoung had distracted me, again, he paid no mind and claimed his victory, making Seonghwa shake his head at us in amusement as he stood leaning against the railing of the quarterdeck, looking down on the lively crew. There was something different in the air today, everyone’s mood seemed to be lighter, happier than usually. Despite Hongjoong being promised a lifetime of lavish when Siwon asked to meet with him and Hongjoong coming back empty handed, but littered with a few purple-coloured small bruises on his neck, the whole deal didn’t seem to bother him so much. It was new, Hongjoong could get very stressed and mad when a deal didn’t go his way, but there was something different about him this time, I could feel it radiating off him. He was steering the wheel, taking his position as Captain, as Seonghwa and him would convers from time to time.

Yunho’s chocolate brown eyes bore into mine as we paused for a second, my eyes watching the stray sweat drop roll down from his temple to his cheek and then jawline, Yunho’s eyes watching me closely when I looked back up his, fastening my heartbeat. There was something so different about the Yunho I grew up with and the Yunho standing in front of me right now. He wasn’t a boy anymore; he was a man. A tall, well-built, and ambitious man. He looked any challenge in the eyes and conquered them without a problem, always quick on his feet. His soft eyes would glaze over with determination whenever he set his eyes on something, always the last to back off if something wasn’t going his way. He was charming, and he always used it to his advantage, features soft and friendly, almost always smiling, a warm twinkle in his eyes. It was one of the few things which signalled that this Yunho, who’s leg I just kicked out of underneath him, was the same Yunho I had grown up with. He was still the little boy whom everyone loved from our village, he was still the little boy who’d share everything with me, even if he had little of it. He was still my best friend. Albeit a bit changed, but deep down it was still him. Yunho groaned as he lost balance and with a small push, he landed on his ass, throwing his sword down in frustration as I started giggling, lowering my own sword.

“Oh, don’t be such a cry-baby,” I mocked, pursing my lips at him, “You’ve been spending too much time with Mingi lately, it’s starting to rub off.”

It was good Mingi wasn’t around to hear us, because I wouldn’t hear the end of the fact that I dared call him a cry-baby. He could be quite dramatic at times, more demanding of attention than anyone else I have met so far.

“You wish,” Yunho rolled his eyes as he sighed loudly, his breathing ragged, “I’m not a cry-baby.”

“Then explain why you’ve been whining ever since we’ve started sparing.” I raised my eyebrows and placed my sword back in its holder, the weight of it familiar around my hips.

“I wasn’t!” Yunho quickly defended himself, crossing his arms in front of his chest looking like a child, “I told you I had to carry heavy barrels two days ago, my arms are still sore from them.”

“I don’t hear Yeosang and Jongho complaining, though.” I muttered playfully, earning a frustrated groan from Yunho. He narrowed his eyes at me in a fake glare and I chuckled as I extended my hand for him, to help him up. Yunho eyed it for a second before looking me in the eyes, beaming up at me. His smile took me off guard, heartbeat stuttering for a second, but before I could have much of a reaction, the wind was knocked out of my lungs. I yelped as I gripped Yunho’s biceps tightly, back colliding with the wooden floorboards loudly. I gaped up at Yunho, taken off by his actions, as he quickly straddled my hips and grabbed a hold of my neck, long fingers curling around my blazing skin. I was left speechless as my lips parted in a quiet gasp, wide eyes staring up at my best friend, who had a triumphant smirk on his lips. He leaned closer, his golden chain necklace with a big trident charm dangling in my face, as he chuckled. His second necklace, which I have gifted him a long time ago, was wrapped snuggly around his neck, the pink shell shinning in the sunlight.

“Never let your guard down,” He muttered, voice dropped to a low mumble, making me gulp as I finally closed my mouth. I felt warmth flush over my whole body, my cheeks probably burning from embarrassment, as I took in the way Yunho looked on top of me, white shirt clinging to his sweaty torso, the top few buttons undone, tan skin glistening underneath. Veins, very visible, travelled up his exposed forearms, and the ring all of Ateez members wore, dug into the flushed skin of my neck, a screaming reminder of the firm hold he had of it, but not restricting my airflow. He was just holding me in place. His dark brown hair was messy as the wind blew it in all directions, slightly wavy from the salty breeze, and it fell on his forehead, clinging to the sweaty skin in some places. His cheeks were flushed as he looked lost in my own eyes, before he quickly cleared his throat, “The fight is never over until one is knocked out.”

By some miracle, my voice came out steady and strong, “Is that what you’re trying to do right now?”

Yunho didn’t answer, a lopsided smirk appearing on his lips as he slightly sat back, pressure taken off my hips as if he knew I would make no move to try and fight him off, “You’ll have to squeeze if you want to knock me out—”

“Mate, seriously?!” Wooyoung’s shrill voice cut my words off as a loud thud landed not far from us, “Stop being so inappropriate in front of everyone!”

Before Yunho or I could say anything back to Wooyoung, he was by our side, grabbing Yunho’s bicep and yanking him off me, up to his feet. My body finally relaxed and I closed my eyes, taking a second to calm my racing heart, knowing that it would work now that Yunho wasn’t so close anymore.

“We were just sparing—” Yunho started saying when Wooyoung made a loud noise with his mouth, lips smacking together in a way it said he did not want to hear an explanation.

“You two do this almost daily, Yunho,” Wooyoung said accusingly, making me smile as I sat up, watching my two best friends throw irritated looks at each other, “And it’s disgusting and sickening to have to watch—”

“To have to watch two pirates train?” Yunho cut Wooyoung off, making the younger one sigh with a frown.

“That’s not training—” Wooyoung almost exclaimed, but cut himself off with an annoyed groan, looking down at me with an accusatory look, “Don’t just sit there and act innocent, missy.”

I laughed as I got up, dusting off my leather pants before placing my hands on my hips, “I didn’t do anything wrong, Mr. Prude, stop yapping our ears off.”

“Yapping your ears off?!” Wooyoung sounded offended as he released his hold on Yunho and instead jumped towards me, his arms going around my neck as he bent me down, holding me in a headlock, loud laughter was leaving my lips as Wooyoung pretended to choke me.

“Somebody needs to do some damage control if—” Wooyoung glanced behind us, throwing a nod towards where Seonghwa and Hongjoong were standing, watching the scene unfold in amusement, “If the two authoritative figures just sit back and enjoy the show their fools put on for them!”

“I’m not a fool!” I said with laughter, grabbing Wooyoung’s arm to yank myself free. Wooyoung just stuck his tongue out before he loosened his hold and I pulled my head away, straightening up and holding my fists up in front of me in a challenge, “Come fight me, you fool.”

A dangerous glint appeared in Wooyoung’s eyes as he squared his shoulders back, taking up a fighting stance, fists in front of his face as I smirked at him, taking a step towards him. But before we could start a hand-to-hand combat, Yunho stepped in, pulling Wooyoung back by the shoulder, “Don’t you have something more useful to do? Jongho’s been glaring at you ever since you got off from your post so go do your job, pirate.”

Wooyoung scoffed but shook off Yunho’s hand from his shoulder, straightening his light jacket, before he looked at my best friend with disdain written over his features, “You can never take a joke, Yunho, hounding Y/N as if any of us would dare touch her inappropriately—”

“Get lost.” Yunho snapped before Wooyoung could finish his sentence and I tsked, walking up to Yunho and grabbing his hand. His fingers instantly intertwined with mine, a habit by now, as I wrapped my other hand around his bicep, slightly squeezing it.

“Be nice, Yunho,” I muttered as I jutted my lower lip out, looking at Wooyoung with an apologizing smile, “We were just playing around.”

“I know.” Yunho’s answer was quick, eyes meeting mine as I smiled at him sweetly.

“You know, my ass.” We heard Wooyoung mutter to himself as he stalked towards the shroud he was climbed up on previously, waving his hand at Jongho, who even high up in the sky, could be seen glaring at Wooyoung. I chuckled, knowing well that he was going to get an earful later for abandoning his post when they were navigating, setting the ship on the right track. My eyes left Wooyoung as I looked back at Yunho, who was already watching me, eyes soft and lips pulled in a small smile, his thumb suddenly caressing my knuckle. The action made me blush and I cleared my throat, looking away embarrassed.

“I have to start my own duties,” Yunho said as he leaned down slightly, to be eye level with me, throughout the years he continued growing meanwhile I stopped, the height difference between us quite big in the present, “Want to join me?”

I would’ve said yes, like I normally do, but my eyes fell on a body as she timidly made her way on the deck, eyes squinting at the harsh sunlight compared to how dim the lights were downstairs. The girl’s dress was relatively clean, but worn out a little, and her short hair was pulled in a low ponytail.

“I think I’ll stay here today, if you don’t mind.” I answered Yunho and he followed my line of sight, instantly understanding why I turned him down. He nodded and squeezed my hand before letting go, his body disappearing from mine as he walked away, headed underneath the deck. I missed the proximity of his body, his familiar scent which was comforting, but I pushed those thoughts aside as I approached the only other female on the ship with us. The pirates were watching her closely, curiously, however, Hongjoong didn’t look very pleased at the sight of her. He was against the idea of San keeping her, but he couldn’t do much when his Master-at-arms threatened to leave the crew behind if the presence of Ara was denied on Hongjoong’s ship. San was somebody I wasn’t very fond of, nor on good terms with. We were cordial to each other, could hold a pleasant conversation if in the mood, but we stayed out of each other’s business. Mainly because I knew what his business consisted of. I couldn’t do anything about the trafficking that went down, and I hated it. I hated seeing women imprisoned on our ship, getting sold off to heaven knows what types of horrible men. Hongjoong, San, and I have had many arguments about it, but in the end, I had to understand and learn that it was none of my concerns, that I just had to pretend that I knew nothing about it if I wanted to stay on this ship with Yunho. And for Yunho, I’d do anything.

“Hello.” I said softly, walking up to the petite girl, who jumped when she heard my voice, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

She looked at me, her big, round eyes, staring at me with shock in them, before her eyebrows furrowed, “You’re a woman.”

I chuckled and nodded my head, “But you’re dressed in pirate clothes.”

I said nothing as I watched her connect the dots herself, a slightly hostile expression overtaking her face. I knew what she was thinking and I looked away, gulping, hoping she’d understand, “I’m a pirate, yeah. And I’m a woman, yes. I—”

I felt the need to tell her, to let her know that I hated what San did to her, and many more women, just as much as she did, “I couldn’t help—no, I’m not allowed to interfere with anyone else’s business on this ship, so I am sorry.”

Disappointment coated her expression before understanding washed over her. This girl was an open book, her expressions so telling of her feelings. Her big eyes shone with emotion and it felt like you stared into her soul each time you looked her in the eyes. She was beautiful, and her energy was fiery, simmering, and if challenged, it would burst. I have heard about how she tried to run away, save herself from getting sold and Mingi would’ve lost a few limbs if Yunho didn’t step in and tell San to back off when they made it back to the ship, yet this girl, she stood proud and stared San down with spite, promising to rain hell on him in front of the whole crew. That night, Yunho has held me tightly against his chest, when we went to bed, and promised to only treat me with respect and adoration. I knew that already, but I knew how much he hated San for what he did, so I just kissed his forehead and reassured him that I knew I was safe with him.

“My name is Im Ara.” The girl, Ara, introduced herself and extended her hand for me. I shook it instantly, smiling at her, glad that she accepted me.

“I’m Bae Y/N.” I introduced myself and Ara hummed, letting go of my hand as hers clasped behind her back, shoulders pulled back, “We don’t often see you on deck…”

Ara looked off in the distance, eyes lost on the sea as she nodded. She’s been here for two weeks already, and this was the second time I have seen her. I was worried for her, but I knew asking San about anything would result in an argument, so I just let the thought go, “It’s nice to get fresh air, even if it’s salty and the wind is cold.”

“Are you cold?” I asked with furrowed eyebrows, about to take off to grab my jacket from Seonghwa’s side, but Ara shook her head with a smile.

“No, it feels nice. It gets too hot in San—” She gulped, as if disgusted by having to say his name, “In San’s room. It’s small for two people and you can’t really open the window, or at least San won’t let me.”

I hummed, listening to her, sensing that she needed someone to talk to. I could feel eyes on us, and when I glanced up, Seonghwa was watching us with a sad look on his face. He tried to convince San to let her go the day they returned, but San was having none of it, pockets and a bag filled with coins and gold, “I’m not supposed to be here, actually, but I snuck out.”

A mischievous smile appeared on Ara’s lips as she chuckled, turning her head to look at me, “He fell asleep while I was glaring at him. He thought I was curious about his childhood just because I bandaged him up after he kept hissing and getting frustrated at himself for not being able to do it himself.”

Yes, that did sound like San. He rarely asked for help, usually closing himself inside his room, only when things were getting too hard or serious would he ask for help. And it was usually Yeosang the one he sought out, or Hongjoong, who seemed the most willing to form any kind of bond with the mercenary.

“Just be careful with San,” I couldn’t help but warn her, afraid for her safety next to that unpredictable man, “He’s ruthless.”

“I know.” Ara said, suddenly a smile creeping up on her lips, “But I can also be scary, he should’ve just sold me off when he had the chance.”

There it was, the little simmer turning into a fire in her eyes as she looked determined, a secret promise probably to herself glimmering in her eyes before it was all gone, blinking around curiously, taking in what was happening around her for the first time, “I could never climb up there.”

She said as she watched Jongho, then Wooyoung, who was dangling upside down from the shroud as of now, laughing loudly as Hongjoong noticed and took off from his post, eyebrows pulled in a frown, expression tired but angry as he stormed towards the younger one, who was getting yelled at by Jongho too. I couldn’t help but laugh as I heard Seonghwa sigh loudly from above, going to the wheel, taking Hongjoong’s place as Ara hid her mouth behind her palms as Wooyoung tried to climb up higher when Hongjoong drew his sword out in a warning manner, making me laugh as Ara started giggling as well.

“They might be men, but at the heart, they are still just a bunch of children.” I said with a shake of my head and Ara seemed amused as she looked at me, nodding in agreement.

“What’s your job on this ship?” She asked curiously.

“I fix up the ship if it’s damaged and improve it whenever I have new ideas, Yeosang usually helps out. And I also stay by Yunho’s side, mostly helping with whatever he needs or can’t do.” I answered Ara and she hummed, suddenly a look of sadness crossing her features.

“I’m only here to rot away, my beautiful future stolen away.” She muttered, mostly to herself, before looking past me, “I was supposed to become a famous singer. I’m good for nothing else, I can’t cook well, and I’m clumsy too, I often disassociate from the real world, especially when it gets too much or I’m feeling bored. It keeps me going, but here…not even those are helping. I feel useless and helpless. San won’t let me do anything either, he just locks me up in his room when he leaves, and if he’s there, he just antagonizes me with his presence.”

I felt bad for her as I watched her eyes glass over with tears, making me feel useless too in the moment. That is, until I realized I could help her out with something little. Something that would come in handy too one day, “Do you want to learn how to fight?”

Ara’s eyes quickly fell on me, wide as she looked surprised by the question, “That’s not very ladylike.”

I nodded, agreeing with her, “It’s not very ladylike, but you’ll be able to protect yourself from anyone.”

From San. But I didn’t dare say that, even the walls had ears here, I didn’t want to start unnecessary drama. However, as if Ara read my mind, a small understanding look crossed her eyes and she nodded, looking very excited, “I should be able to do that, at least. Can you teach me?”

I smiled widely, motioning for her to follow me towards the centre of the deck, where we had more space, “Of course, I can. We’ll start with something simple today and I’ll teach you more once you master the new skills.”

“Alright, let’s do that.” Ara nodded as I took my sword off, not wanting it to get in the way of our training. We’d focus on simple self-defence today, and if she was good, then perhaps I’ll show her how to handle a dagger.

Moreover, Ara proved herself to be quite good, catching onto things fast as she copied my moves quickly, and only struggled a few times here and there. She could easily free herself from a chokehold now, whether the attacker was holding her from the back or was keeping her in a headlock. Ara seemed to enjoy our little training session, giggling whenever my fingers accidentally brushed against her neck, ticklish. Yunho, once done with his duties in the supply room, had come up on deck and watched as I trained Ara. He’d throw in tips for her, guide her when she seemed lost by the way I was holding her, not knowing how to free herself. She asked if we could have a duel, with swords, but I told her she needed more training for that to happen as she was already tired from just an hour of learning self-defence. But she kept insisting, so I gave in at last, handing her Yunho’s dagger as I held my own in my hand. Yunho had gone off, discussing the sailing plans with Hongjoong and Jongho, Wooyoung probably gone to cook us dinner, with the help of Yeosang and Mingi. Seonghwa was sailing the boat, eyes lost as he gazed at the dark sea, clutching his compass tightly in his free hand. If I wouldn’t have been busy with Ara, I would have approached him and comforted him, knowing what type of thoughts clouded his mind when he looked so unfocused.

“Hold it like this,” I said as Ara and I stood side by side, holding the handle of the dagger in my open palm, “and then…flip it.”

Ara watched as I flipped the dagger with my middle, and ring finger, and pinkie, gripping it firmly in a stabbing hold. Ara’s eyes widened slightly before she quickly got to work, slowly trying to do what I did a second ago, the dagger almost falling out of her hand. I watched as she tried again, clumsily flipping it before she puffed frustrated, and then did it again and again, the action getting smoother with each try.

“You’re quite good at this, Ara.” I praised with an excited chuckle, her eyes shining with joy at my compliment, raising her hand and doing it again flawlessly, ready to stab anyone.

“Will you teach me how to stab someone?” She sounded too excited in spite of having asked something so dark, and her demeanour slightly faltered when she realized, grimacing at me, but I just chuckled and shook my head at her. I wasn’t new to violence nor, unfortunately, having to kill someone.

“I think it’s too soon, you barely got to hold a dagger.” I winked at her but grabbed her wrist still, standing behind her, and guiding her hand how to slash someone without killing them, “If you do it like that, you won’t kill them, but you certainly will leave a nasty gash on their skin.”

“Good.” Ara whispered to herself, eyebrows slightly furrowed, probably forgetting that I could hear her since I was leaning over her. I released her wrist and stepped back, opening my mouth to tell her that we were done for today, how I should check if Yunho needs me for anything before going to the kitchen to help Wooyoung, another helping hand always needed down there. But before any sound could leave my lips, someone’s shout halted what everyone was previously doing.

“Ara!” It was San, his deep voice unmistakable, as I turned around to see him storming towards us. Ara tensed, grip tightening around the dagger, as she whirled around, hiding her hand behind her back, “What are you doing?!”

San’s eyebrows were deeply furrowed and he looked furious as he stopped just an inch away from her, glaring down at Ara. I expected her to shrink back underneath his intimidating gaze, but Ara just straightened her back and raised her head so that she could look into his eyes.

“None of your business—”

“It is my business.” San cut her off and his eyes momentarily glanced my way before he looked back at Ara. Yunho was watching us closely, but when I shook my head at him subtly, he returned his attention onto the conversation he was having with Hongjoong and Jongho, knowing very well that I could handle myself. And that San wasn’t actually a threat to me, he wouldn’t explicitly hurt me. He couldn’t. Unless he wanted to die.

“I’ll only ask once more, Ara, what are you doing?” San’s voice dropped an octave, face going blank as his sharp eyes bore into Ara’s, who just smirked back at him and slowly revealed her hand holding the dagger.

“I was learning how to defend myself while you were sleeping, San.” She said his name with spite, lips stretching into a wide smirk when San’s jaw clenched, hands balling up into fists. He was fuming, it was very obvious as his mask slipped for a second. He glanced down at the dagger Ara was holding in her hand and suddenly his head snapped in my direction, and if his glare could kill, I would be dead right now. I stood my ground and raised my eyebrows at him nonchalantly.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” San’s voice was levelled, but the way his jaw kept clenching and unclenching was a tell-tale sign he was on the verge of bursting from his anger.

“Considering the fact that she’s on a ship full of men, I deemed it necessary she learns how to defend herself,” I answered San, taking a step towards him, but still keeping a respectful distance between us, “in case someone tries doing something to her.”

In case you try doing something to her, San. But I didn’t have to say that out loud, the implication hanging heavily in the air between us as Ara’s lip trembled for a second before she quickly composed herself as San’s gaze snapped back to her. He grabbed her wrist harshly and my hands twitched, wanting to yank his hold off her, but knew better to not touch San unless I wanted to lose my fingers.

“Don’t think you can use any of the shit Y/N taught you against me, Ara,” San sneered, Ara hissing as she abruptly released the dagger, San’s fingers digging into her skin, “You’ll be dead before you can even grab a weapon.”

“I’d rather try and die than continue living with you.” Ara spat back and whined as her free hand went to grip San’s wrist, which was squeezing her too hard. My eyebrows furrowed and I decided that I couldn’t just stand there and watch him hurt her.

“Let go of her, San.” My voice was stern, eyes steely as they bore into the side of his head, making San scoff as his blazing eyes set on me.

“Shut up, Y/N,” He hissed, releasing Ara as he closed in on me, I wasn’t scared of him, “You know she wishes for nothing more than my death and yet you teach her how to fight?! How to yield a dagger?!”

I chuckled and nodded, “Yes, because her life was taken away by you. Because you never gave her a chance…or any of the other women you sold. Because you think you can get away with everything, thinking your sins will be forgiven, but San—they will never be, not by me, and not by the gods watching over us.”

“There’s no such thing as gods and sins, Y/N,” San chuckled, watching me arrogantly, “So you can keep on wishing for my demise, praying, because it will never happen.”

“Why are you so sure?” I raised one eyebrow, glancing behind him to watch Ara for a second, who was slightly shaking, but looked grateful that I was taking her side, “I wouldn’t have so much fate in myself if I were you, you’re human, and you are vincible.”

“Ara isn’t strong enough to hurt me—”

“Don’t underestimate her because she’s a woman.” I snapped, voice slightly raising as I got triggered, knowing very well how San viewed women, “She’ll be your doom, San, you should’ve let her go when you had the chance.”

“And you should mind your own fucking business,” San hissed, getting all up in my face, his breath hitting my cheeks as we stared each other down, “How many times did Hongjoong tell you to leave me alone?”

I scoffed, irritated, “You think I can ignore the fact that you traffic women when I’m a woman myself?!”

I knew I was getting louder, but so was San, attracting some looks from the pirates who were lounging around on the deck, probably waiting for dinnertime, “You, a woman…perhaps you should act more like it—oh, well, you are getting quite emotional over nothing—”

“Your insults mean nothing.” I cut him off, glaring at him viciously, teeth grinding against each other, “I have zero care about how you view me, your opinion is not important.”

“Exactly,” San chuckled, “your opinion means nothing to me either, so I don’t see why you’re always all up in my business, trying to sabotage me.”

I could see movement from where Hongjoong, Jongho, and Yunho were huddled together, but I didn’t take my eyes off San, breaking eye contact right now would mean defeat.

“I think you sabotaged yourself this time, San,” I said with a chuckle and grabbed his shoulder, “I’ll make sure to teach Ara all the important arteries and how to cut them—”

“Do just that,” His voice was daring, bearing a promise, a threat, “And I’ll snap your neck in half.”

But his threat meant nothing to me, knowing very well the second he touched me, despite being a precious asset to Hongjoong, San would be dead in seconds. Yunho would never allow him to breathe for a second longer if he took my life. But Ara didn’t know all that and she quickly shook her head, taking a few steps towards us, hesitant, but determined to get San to calm down, to forget all about it. And just as I wanted to reassure her and push San away since his hand was raising to grab me by the neck, he was gone from in front of me, my own grip disappearing from his shoulder.

“What did you just say?” Yunho seethed as he held San by the collar, their noses almost touching as San rolled his eyes dramatically, acting nonchalant all of a second just to piss off Yunho more.

“Oh, no, are you going to snap my neck in half now?” He taunted, jutting his lips out as he glanced at me with a smirk before looking back at Yunho, “How sickening. I suppose this happens when a bitch has you wrapped around her fingers—”

San couldn’t finish his sentence as Yunho punched his jaw so hard the shorter one lost balance as his body was thrown to the right. My eyes widened, Ara gasping next to me, as Hongjoong was by our side in a second, mouth opened to yell at them to stop, but Yunho grabbed San by the collar again and suddenly started dragging him, San having not quite recovered from the punch yet. What was Yunho doing?! My heart picked up as I watched him bend San over the railing, pushing him just enough that if San even as much as flinched, he’d fall overboard. Into the cold sea. Swallowed by the deadly waves.

“Jeong Yunho!” Hongjoong’s harsh voice rung out loudly, everyone by now watching the scene unfold. Ara grabbed my wrist and I brushed her grip off, not meaning to, but I didn’t know how to react. Yunho has never punched any of the crewmates. Despite our differences, everyone was always cordial, nice, to the others, accepting them the way they were. I’ve seen Yunho angry before, but never with eyes that could kill. His body wasn’t shaking, but his anger was so strong you could see it radiating off him. Hongjoong shouted his name again, but it fell to deaf ears as Yunho bared his teeth at San, who was gripping the railing so hard his knuckled had turned white.

“If you threaten my woman ever again or dare touch her, I won’t hesitate to kill you, Choi San.” Yunho’s deep voice boomed as he hissed at San, “Know your place, pirate.”

Despite being in such a vulnerable position, where just a light push from Yunho could end his life, San started laughing loudly, maniacally, as if what Yunho had just said was the funniest thing in the four seas and four kingdoms, “Your woman!”

His voice travelled over the water, ringing loudly, and I bit my lower lip as I felt the eyes of the other pirates on me. Seonghwa had come down from the quarterdeck and was walking very slowly towards Yunho, prepared to haul him and San away from the railing as Hongjoong silently nodded at him approvingly. My heart was thundering in my chest by now, a bile rising to my throat as I felt sick as San continued taunting Yunho for no reason, “You call her your woman, Yunho, yet you aren’t even man enough to make her yours, you fucking pathetic idiot!”

San’s words felt like a dagger thrown into my own heart and I let out a shuddered breath, face flaming at his words, hating that such topic was being discussed in front of so many people. It was nobody’s business what Yunho and I did in private, especially when we’ve been friends for over fifteen years now, not even one inappropriate touch from him. Perhaps I wished for him to just finally give in and act upon his desires, perhaps I wished San was wrong with his insinuation, perhaps I wished I wasn’t so irrevocably in love with Yunho. Perhaps I wished it wasn’t so obvious to everyone around us as we remained so oblivious of the other’s true feelings. Sometimes it hurt, but sometimes it felt so good. So warm and safe. So stable and comforting. But sometimes it was so scary, it felt like I was drowning. The thought of there being the possibility of losing him one day, of losing a part of myself, creating a void in my heart never to be filled again by anything. So, when I saw Seonghwa almost by Yunho’s side, who’s whole body started shaking as he was on the verge of breaking, I screamed.

“Yunho!” My voice was shrill, panicked, scared, “Stop! Please.”

His whole body froze, as if he was reminded that I was still there, seeing everything, hearing everything. Seonghwa flinched away as San was hauled backwards, sent to the floor roughly as Yunho yanked him away from the railing, hands fisting at his sides as he didn’t glance my way. He stared at the ground, shaking his head in probably shame and disappointment, before he stormed off, feet hitting the floorboards heavily. Hongjoong sighed loudly and long next to me, jaw clenched as he glared down at San, who just sprawled out on the floor, chuckling to himself quietly. I couldn’t help but stare at him with hatred, my body burning, wishing I could throw him overboard too.

“You’re a fucking asshole, San,” Hongjoong hissed at him as he went and grabbed the man’s collar, hauling him up from the floor, “Stay out of my sight today and tomorrow if you want to live.”

“Ai, Captain, ai!” San saluted mockingly, even bowing his head as he started laughing, before he straightened back up and took off towards the stairs leading under the deck, towards our private quarters.

“Don’t make me come and get you, Ara.” He singsonged, glancing at the girl from the corner of his eyes, his expression scaring me for the first time. He was laughing, but his eyes were filled with a burning want to kill, so easy to read them. My heart clenched as Ara suck in a harsh breath next to me before very slowly she started walking towards him, hiding her trembling hands behind her. If anything happens to her today, it’s my fault. I did all of this. I started it. I shouldn’t have meddled with her, what if she dies? What if she dies because I was stupid—

“Y/N,” Seonghwa’s soft voice invaded my ears, interrupting my thoughts, “Look at me.”

I looked away from San and Ara just as she got to his side, and he grabbed her by the nape as he veered her down the stairs, “It’s not your fault. Stop thinking, I can see it in your eyes. Nothing happened.”

I shook my head and bit my lower lip as I felt tears in my eyes, “I fucked everything up.”

“You didn’t,” Seonghwa whispered and he pulled me into a tight hug, hiding my face in his chest as I started crying, “You did nothing wrong. San won’t touch Ara, trust me, she’s safe for now. He’ll calm down and act a little hostile towards you and Yunho, but that’s nothing new. And Yunho will be fine, you know he always is, he just needs time to clear his thoughts and analyse his actions. Trust him and your bond, alright?”

I didn’t want to answer him verbally, so I just nodded my head, sniffing as Seonghwa patted my head, Hongjoong passing by us with a loud sigh, shouting at the rest of the pirates to get back to their duties, the freakshow over. Yunho will come around, he always does. He needs to.

Up until dinner I haven’t seen Yunho again, he had seemed to disappear without a trace, and I knew trying to find him would put him on edge, so I sucked it up, and helped Wooyoung with cooking dinner instead. I wasn’t as talkative as usually and Mingi noticed, so he brought it up with a curious glance which made Yeosang mutter something to him that made the taller one shut up. I shouldn’t have been surprised that what happened up on the deck was already spreading around like wildfire, gossiping, was a vicious thing the pirates on this ship seemed to love doing. Yeosang didn’t pry as he looked at me with a comforting gaze, and I nodded wordlessly, glad that Wooyoung seemed oblivious to what’s happened only a few good minutes ago. He either didn’t know or he didn’t care, making me feel slightly better as he gave me a side hug, and then instructed me to cut up some carrots as Mingi kept messing it up, cutting them very uneven, making Wooyoung scold him multiple times. Yeosang remained quiet as he stirred the stew, asking questions here and there when he noticed I started losing focus, thoughts whirling in my head. My body was there with them, but my mind wasn’t thoroughly present, straying to thoughts about Yunho and where he could possibly be at. There weren’t many places he could hide away on this ship, but he somehow had found one spot where I could never find him. I had no idea where it was, I had tried to find him one time when we had a big argument and he disappeared for the day, but he was nowhere. I had the worst panic attack that evening and if it weren’t for Seonghwa and Yeosang, I might’ve choked from the lack of air. The boys chatting brought me back to the present and Wooyoung’s eyebrows furrowed as he noticed the uncut carrot, raising his eyebrows at me questioningly. I just avoided his gaze and continued cutting, trying to stay present as the hungry pirates came down complaining, asking Wooyoung when dinner would be ready. It didn’t take too long after that for the kitchen to fill up with the crew, Wooyoung’s tasty stew’s scent wafting in the air as Mingi helped him take down the big cauldron from the stove, Wooyoung shouting loudly for everyone to take their seats. The crew dug into their dinner like some hungry sea creatures, a satisfied smile on Wooyoung’s face as he sat down to my left, bumping his shoulder with mine in a small thanking gesture. I flashed him a smile, which I knew didn’t look very genuine, but he ignored it as he ate his own portion. My appetite was gone and the empty seat to my left was a screaming reminder of today’s happenings. I sighed loudly as my head hung low, gaining Seonghwa’s attention from across me.

“Hey,” He called out softly, the loud chatter of the pirates almost drowning his voice out. I looked up, tired, as I tried to swallow the stew in my mouth. It tasted better than anything I have eaten in any of the four kingdoms, yet my stomach just refused to take it in. My throat slightly closed up on me and I almost choked as my eyes slightly widened, “Don’t push yourself, Y/N.”

I grabbed my cup filled with water and quickly washed down the stew with it, it slightly helped, “I’ll put aside your and Yunho’s portion for tomorrow, you can go to sleep if you want to.”

My eyes filled with tears a bit as I nodded, Wooyoung’s eyes on me as he looked at us confused, “Where’s Yunho? And why are you not eating? Something happened?”

Seonghwa nodded and with a scrutinizing look, and Wooyoung got the memo to shut up for now, “Yunho’s in your room, Y/N, I saw him entering when I came down for dinner.”

My heart halted for a second before it sped up and I nodded, wiping my mouth with a handkerchief, “Thank you, Seonghwa. Dinner is very tasty, Wooyoung, I just don’t have an appetite right now.”

Wooyoung eyed me for a second before he nodded, watching me get to my feet as I waved at Seonghwa and him, scurrying away to my room. To Yunho’s room. To our room. I was nervous, I didn’t know if Yunho wanted to see me or if he wanted to talk to me, but I couldn’t go on ignoring him, pretending that my thoughts weren’t eating me up whole. I felt horrible for what happened earlier and I knew Yunho blamed himself for it, beating himself up for something he wasn’t guilty of. Given it more thought, it was San’s fault. All of it. He shouldn’t have overreacted and created a scene. Ara had the right to know how to defend herself, and like he said, she wouldn’t be able to take him down just yet, so I truly couldn’t wrap my mind around San’s desperate anger. Perhaps I gave Ara a flicker of hope, and that was dangerous, but I saw how badly she needed it.

I knocked on the door as I arrived to our room, sucking in a deep breath when Yunho said nothing, knowing it was me. I pushed the door open slowly, peering inside before walking in. Yunho was standing before our desk, a few parchments of paper unruled as he read over the words jutted down with ink. His body tensed when I greeted quietly, walking further inside and shutting the door behind myself. Yunho said nothing, just threw a small glance my way, before going back to his lists. He was writing down what we needed to get once we hit land, our ammunition running low as well as our fresh water. I walked to our closet and opened it, divided equally so that we’d both have space for our clothes. The left side was mine and the right was his. Our clothes neatly folded and organized carefully. I had a tendency to over organize things, it was probably one of the few reasons why Yunho didn’t take me down to the supply room when I was feeling antsy. On those days, I’d clean the whole deck and everyone’s room as it was the only thing which helped me calm down. I grabbed my nightgown and quickly undressed myself, struggling with the straps of the cloth wrapped around my torso. I had to reach around my middle to undo it, which was straining my shoulder, and if it were any other day, I would’ve asked for Yunho’s help, but I knew he was keeping his distance. We always offered privacy to the other when we were changing, our backs to each other, but Yunho’s body was too stiff, shoulders pulled back and head hung low as he didn’t sit down in the chair. I successfully unclasped the strap and unwrapped the fabric from my body, letting a content sigh out loudly, my muscles finally relaxing. I have never gotten quite used to the way it tightly hung around my torso, pulling on the skin, barely showing anything off to the prying eyes. The crew might know that I am a woman, but I do not want them to fix their hungry gazes on me, eating me up with their eyes as I were a meal. I hated it with my whole soul. I hated how San had looked at me the first time he had realized I was a woman, wheels turning in his head, eyebrows raising subtly as he took in my body, probably calculating how much I was worth if he were to sell me off. Yunho had stepped between us, sensing my discomfort and knowing San well enough, so with a nudge of his head he sent San away, the younger man smirking to himself before he made eye contact with me again, tauntingly. I shook my head at the memory and quickly pulled the nightgown over my head, pushing my leather pants off and taking my socks off too. Yunho was still silent, too silent.

I cleared my throat as I folded my pants, glancing behind me, “Are you writing the supply list?”

It was a dumb question, we both knew he was doing just that, but I needed him to speak to me. The quiet stretched between us as my body tensed, desperate for Yunho to just talk to me.

“Yes.” His answer was curt, but at least he answered. His voice held no emotion and I closed my eyes for a second before I placed my pants in the wardrobe, closing the door of it. I didn’t know what to say next. Usually, we’d talk about whatever that has happened during our day, random thoughts which came to our mind and whatever crazy things we did while we were younger, reminiscing on the past. But tonight, I didn’t know what to bring up. I wanted us to talk about what has happened, but I knew it would send Yunho away. I couldn’t fall asleep if I knew he was angry because of me.

“You didn’t come down for dinner.” I opted to say, walking next to him, stopping a respectable distance away. Yet, it made Yunho stiffen as he clumsily grabbed a parchment and walked away, towards where the small window was. The single candle burning on the desk didn’t provide enough light to lit up the whole room, Yunho couldn’t see anything on his parchment there.

“I wasn’t hungry.” Yunho answered, eyebrows furrowing as he brought the parchment closer to his face.

“You can’t see anything over there, Yunho.” I sighed out, leaning against the desk. His jaw clenched and he hummed, before very reluctantly, he walked back beside me, but kept a huge distance between us, even bringing out the chair, but not sitting down on it. I wanted to scoff and roll my eyes, but I bit my tongue and just watched him, eyebrows slightly furrowing.

“You didn’t stay for too long at dinner.” Yunho pointed out absentmindedly, eyes never leaving the parchment as he picked up his pen and scribbled something down on the parchment. I was half convinced he was just doodling nonsense down on it at this point.

“I didn’t have an appetite.” I answered quietly, looking down at the floor, when suddenly his eyes raised and stopped on me. I felt small under Yunho’s scrutinizing gaze, eyes drinking me in before he shook his head and he averted his gaze, slamming the parchment down on the desk. I flinched and looked at him wide eyed, noticing the way his eyebrows were pulled together. He turned around and walked to the closet, his steps harsh, and threw the door open. He pulled out a clean shirt and some short pants, which I had cut for him, and started undressing himself. I quickly turned around and gulped as I walked to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it, gripping the sheets tightly. Something angered him, but I didn’t know what. I hated it when he didn’t talk to me, when he didn’t tell me what the problem was. I somewhat knew what it was, but I wanted him to say it out loud. I wanted us to discuss it.

“You shouldn’t starve yourself, Y/N—” I looked up sharply at him, eyebrows furrowed as I opened my mouth to shut down his assumption, but Yunho was turned towards me, shirtless, and his pants hanging low on his hips. In the golden glow of the candlelight, his tan skin was glowing, his dark wavy hair falling over his forehead messily and his veins bulged as they travelled up from his hands to his arms. His body was toned, muscles well-defined from having to carry so many barrels almost daily and the continuous sparing sessions. I knew I wasn’t supposed to look, to stare at him so shamelessly, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Yunho looked radiant. I was breathless, but quickly realized what I was doing, and tore my eyes off him as I stared at the wall to my right. Yunho remained frozen for a few minutes as I gathered my thoughts, embarrassed.

“I’m not starving myself, Yunho,” I mumbled with a sigh, cheeks flushed, “I just wasn’t able to eat anything tonight.” Because I didn’t know where you were. Because I didn’t know what you were doing, what you were thinking. Because I didn’t know when you’d open up yourself again to me. There were so many things I wished to say to him, but I knew it would only drive him away even more.

“You let your mood influence you too much.” His words were sharp, as if he was lecturing me. That was rich coming from him.

“You are the one to talk,” I didn’t mean to snap at him, but I couldn’t help it as I raised my eyebrows at him, “when you run off hiding at the smallest inconvenience.”

Why was I bringing this up? Why was I starting a fight? This is not what I wanted. I just wanted Yunho to smile again and forget everything San has said to him.

“I don’t run off.” Yunho snapped, nose flaring as he threw the shirt around his shoulders, “I don’t hide, I just—I need time. To cool off. To sort out my thoughts.”

“And you leave me standing there like an idiot each time you do that, worrying—” My throat closed in on me as Yunho’s eyes watched me sharply, the fire in them burning me up against my own will, “Worrying when you’ll acknowledge me again. Worrying whether you’ll push me away for good this time. You’re always doing this, Yunho, always.”

“Because I don’t want to hurt you!” His answer came quickly as his eyebrows furrowed and I chuckled humourlessly, licking my lips annoyed.

“Yet you always hurt me when you do that.” My response was quick, quiet, but I knew it was sharp. I knew it was the last thing Yunho intended to do, and I knew he hated it when he made me feel like that. His cold façade crumbled for a second, and I saw it in his eyes, the guilt eating him up alive, the helplessness he felt; but it was quickly gone, face morphing into a frown. I scoffed and stood up.

“What are you afraid of, Yunho?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. There was an edge to my voice, a challenge, “Why do you always run off? Why do you always push me away?”

Yunho shook his head, face pulling into a grimace as I walked closer to him, his eyes falling on the floor. His body was tense, defensive, as he tried to button up his shirt, jaw clenched, “Why do you never let me see you?”

“Because—” Yunho’s voice rose an octave before he steadied himself, shaking his head, trying to compose himself, “Because I will say things I will regret. Because I will do things I will regret. I don’t think straight when I’m angry, Y/N, I’m—I’m impulsive and I don’t want to do something that I will hurt you with. I care—I care for you deeply and I want to keep you safe, and I want to protect you, but sometimes—sometimes I’m the one who you need to stay away from.”

“Bullshit.” I spat, eyebrows furrowing as I stalked close to him stopping merely inches from his body, shaking my head disapprovingly, “You would never hurt me willingly, Yunho. If only you stopped running away, we could talk things out. I don’t want to constantly wonder where you are and what you are doing, it’s draining.”

“I am hurting you right now by not being honest!” Yunho snapped, wide eyes staring at me, more to his words, as he bit his lower lip. His eyes strayed from my face, down to my lips, my neck, and collarbones peeking out from underneath my nightgown, stopping on the mess of curls on top of my head. There was something dark in his gaze, surfacing like he’s been suppressing it for long, hidden somewhere deep inside his mind, never to see the light of day. His body was warm, drawing me in, pulling me closer. My breath hitched as he licked his lips again, his eyes on my own lips, breathing irregular. My heart pounded against my ribcage, palms sweaty as I gripped my nightgown, a yearning so grave overtaking my sense I could barely stay rooted to my place.

“You just have to say it, Yunho, you know that,” I whispered, eyelids fluttering as he let out a harsh breath, hitting my face, “I won’t say no.”

“That’s the problem.” His voice was deep as he muttered, jaw clenched as his fingers twitched beside him.

“If we both want it—” I gulped, hesitant but daring as my hand reached out, finger hooking with his, the touch sending an electric shock through my body, “There’s no problem at hand, Yunho, if we both want it. San—” It was disgusting to utter his name in such scenario, but for once in his life that man had said something true, something right, “San was right about one thing. You could—you could make me your woman, and I would want that, Yunho, I really do.”

I was conscious of what I had just confessed to. The love I harboured for Yunho has for long not been platonic. I pushed it to the deepest darkest place in my mind, scared of Yunho’s reaction if he ever were to know, but I just couldn’t help it. Not when he was looking back at me with the same look in his eyes as mine, burning anything in its way, yearning for something more we could so easily have. Yunho’s breath hitched as my words sunk deeper in his mind, mouth falling slightly open as his finger squeezed mine harshly as he intertwined our fingers, palm pressed against palm. This simple touch said so much, it wanted so much more, it was pleading for more. But Yunho’s next words just left my heart sinking into my stomach, trying to convey the disappointment from my eyes.

“I can’t, Y/N, I just can’t.” He whispered, hanging his head low as he sucked in a deep breath, “You are so precious to me, I could—I could never lay a finger on you and taint you. I just—I can’t allow myself to ruin you. Not when I can have you like this next to me for the rest of my life. When I know I love you and you love me back just as much. When I know you’re my best friend, the only person I can wholeheartedly trust and cherish. I don’t want to lose what we have now.”

His words felt like a knife was pushed down my chest, ripping my skin apart, leaving an open wound. The rocking of the ship knocked me off balance as my legs momentarily seemed to lose force, but before Yunho could catch me, I pulled my hand from his and stumbled back, needing the distance. He didn’t want me the same way I wanted him. He would never love me the way I wanted him to love me. He was too good to use me for his own selfish needs. If he wanted to, he would’ve already. My body trembled from the sudden drop of temperature as I walked to our bed, sitting down and pulling the covers back. The dreaded void was back in my chest, I had to swallow multiple times to fight the tears back from my eyes. It was alright. I could live with having Yunho the way I always had him. I could live with loving him like a best friend should. I could live on like I always had up until tonight. It was fine. I pulled the covers over my body as I shifted closer to the wooden wall, turning my back to Yunho as I curled up in a ball, squeezing my eyes shut and willing my brain to shut up, the voices going away in just mere seconds. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to speak. And as I heard Yunho shuffle around in the room for a few more seconds, I succumbed to nothingness, allowing the darkness to pull me in.

Some mornings were easier than others, some gloomier, and some more energetic. Sometimes the bed was too comfortable to get out, too warm and smelling like your favourite person in the world, but still, duty called. It waited for you and you had no other choice. My eyes were closed as I shifted slightly around, stretching my left arm over my head as I mumbled mindlessly, brain foggy with sleep as I wasn’t quite awake yet. Today was a gloomier morning, when sleep didn’t quite want to let me go, dreams painting my mind. And a feather like brush against my shoulder made it even harder to open my eyes. The sensation kept going as it brushed against my collarbone, lightly nipping at the skin as I felt the hotness of another human looming over me, so close, but not entirely touching me. A shuddered breath left my lips as a kiss was pressed between the juncture of my neck and shoulder, body tingling with a sensation so familiar yet so unknown. I hummed as the lips pressed firmer against my skin, on the side of my neck as I turned my head to the left to leave more space for the attacker, left hand coming down and tangling into soft waves of kinky hair. The fog had started slowly lifting from my mind, eyebrows softly furrowing at the flush overtaking my whole body as a soft moan left my lips, when a pair of lips pressed against a particular spot harder, fingers gripping onto hair harder. My eyes fluttered open at last, staring at the wooden wall, breathing hitched as my body reacted to the ministrations done to it, until the fog completely disappeared. Until I froze, until I felt lips nipping against my jawline. My fingers untangled from Yunho’s wavy hair and I scrambled to sit up, eyes wide and breathing uneven as Yunho and I’s heads almost knocked together. He stared at me surprised, as if he didn’t understand why I reacted the way I did, as if waking up to your best friend kissing all over your body was normal. As if he didn’t just confess last night that he only saw me as his best friend, forever.

“Stop.” I croaked out, voice hoarse and heavy with sleep as my lips slightly trembled, “You can’t do that, Yunho.”

He looked hurt as he scooted away slightly, warmth disappearing with him as I threw the covers off myself, clumsily getting out of bed, “We’re friends.”

Yunho looked offended hearing that, I didn’t understand why, “Friends don’t kiss each other like that, Yunho. We need to set new boundaries, because this isn’t working anymore. You’re a man and I’m a woman. Our minds, and bodies, aren’t that of children anymore.”

Yunho’s eyes flashed with hurt at my words, but what he didn’t know was that I felt the same way when he told me those things last night. That I still felt like my heart was stomped into nothing last night. I turned my back to him, something I hated doing, as I walked to the wardrobe and took my clothes out for the day, “From now on, I’ll change in the washroom. You can do it in here while I’m gone.”

Before Yunho could say anything, I stormed off, blinking away the tears in my eyes, ignoring the yearning and the suffocating feeling in my throat, the harsh pounding of my heart. If he wanted us to be best friends, we needed a new set of boundaries established.

After having changed into presentable clothes for the day, I walked to the kitchen, having been to my room previously, but Yunho was gone by then. I pushed the anxiety of not knowing where he was down as I opened the door to the kitchen, surprised to see Ara standing by the stove, frowning deeply at it. I approached her and cleared my throat, not wanting to startle her. She glanced behind her and relaxed when she saw it was just me.

“Good morning.” I greeted her and stopped by the sink, watching her.

“Morning.” She muttered quietly, eyes still on the stove as if she was having a silent battle with it, “I give up!”

My eyebrows rose as I watched her confused, a bowl of scrambled eggs sitting on the unlit stove. Putting two and two together, I chuckled and approached her, lightly pushing her out of the way. I grabbed a match and lit it, lighting up the fireplace for Ara.

“That’s how you do it…” She muttered to herself and nodded at me in thanks, placing her eggs on the stove. As she wasn’t paying attention to me, I allowed myself to take in the other woman, eyes running over her face and any exposed skin carefully, looking for signs of any abuse or manhandling from San. But her skin was flawless, looked untouched. Perhaps I wasn’t as subtle as I thought I was, because Ara glanced at me from the corner of her eyes.

“He didn’t touch me,” She muttered, focusing on cooking her breakfast, “if that’s what you’re looking for. San hasn’t—he hasn’t even looked my way since yesterday. When I woke up, he was gone and the door was wide open. I don’t know what that means, but I took my chance and came here to cook myself some breakfast. I didn’t eat dinner last night.”

“Do you want my portion of stew?” I asked as Ara looked at me surprised, her eyes filling with tears.

“No, no!” She quickly shut down my offer, stirring her eggs, “It’s fine, this will do.”

“But aren’t you hungry?” I asked confused, Ara smiled at me.

“Not that much, don’t worry.” She reassured me, chuckling, “I’m used to not eating much.”

“Why?” I asked curiously as I watched her turn off the stove. She took her eggs and walked to the long table, sitting down close to the end of it. I only came here to drink a cup of tea and see if Wooyoung had already woken up, I didn’t expect to see Ara here. Didn’t expect San to let her off so easily.

“I always tried to stay fit, not gain any weight.” Ara explained and my eyebrows furrowed as I went to take the kettle, then filled it with water.

“Why would you do that?” I asked genuinely confused and Ara chuckled as she glanced back at me.

“Because I was supposed to look pleasing to the eyes. Be pretty and well-kept.” Ara explained, voice heavy with melancholy, “I worked at an Inn, which barely paid me enough to keep a roof above my head, but perhaps it was my fault too for wishing for things I couldn’t afford. I realized early on in my childhood that sometimes I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not, getting lost in a world which is only in my head. And sometimes, I would think I could project that world into my reality, screwing myself over. To be honest, if San wouldn’t have kidnapped me, I would’ve probably been evicted sooner than latter from my little cottage.”

“Is that how you try to reassure yourself that you’re in a good place?” I asked accusingly, making Ara chuckle as I placed the kettle on the lit stove.

“God, no,” Ara shook her head, taking a bite of her breakfast, “I hate this place as much as I hate San. It’s grim, dirty, and full of smelly men—and rats! I saw one a few days ago, I wished to drop dead that exact second. I don’t deserve to be here surrounded by these people, no offense to you Y/N, you’re quite lovely, actually. But I know I was made for bigger things. Created to stand on a scene. Designed to be a star one day.”

I watched Ara a little confused, her eyes focusing on nothing as she seemed far away, lost in her own thoughts, “I always wanted to become a singer for the wealthy. To be known all around the four seas and four kingdoms, but then—then San took me, and it all shattered, a future slipped right through my fingers. I’ll never be known, nor a star. I will never sing for the Queen or the aristocrats. I will rot away on this ship surrounded by lowlifes and—rats.”

Ara’s voice choked up as suddenly tears started streaming down her face and she slightly choked on her food, making my heart clench in sadness for her. I sighed and walked over, sitting down next to her and placing an arm around her shoulders. She turned into me, crying into my neck as I rubbed her back soothingly, allowing her to feel safe, to let it all out.

“Do you miss singing?” I asked in a whisper when Ara slightly calmed down. She nodded wordlessly against my neck and I smiled, patting her brown hair down, “Would you like to sing tonight? We have an important mission tomorrow and I’m sure these pirates would enjoy a little show and let loose of their nerves.”

The kettle started whistling behind us and Ara pulled away, wiping her tears off her face, “And I have a pretty dress I never wore.”

“Really?” Ara’s eyes widened, watching me intrigued as I got up and walked back to the stove, turning it off.

“It’s royal blue.” Ara’s eyes sparkled with joy, something I haven’t seen until now, her lips pulling into a wide smile.

“After dinner?” She asked and I nodded, smiling back at her. It made Ara giggle as she went back to eating her scrambled eggs, humming a happy tune to herself as if she didn’t have a small breakdown just a few seconds ago. I watched the girl for a few more second before shaking my head as I walked to the sink, grabbing a clean cup. Such a young soul with such intangible dreams.

The chatter invaded the vast expanse of the kitchen, the pirates talking animatedly as they finished their last spoonful of yesterday’s stew, jugs filled with expensive rum and others with beer from the North, which Jongho and his father managed to snuggle on the ship on one of our missions a month ago. The room was lively as everyone enjoyed their last night before we’d go on the mainland, having docked down close to the coastline of one of the South Kingdom’s northwestern islands. We had run out of many important supplies, so tomorrow majority of the crew would go and retrieve whatever was necessary, with a side mission only few knew about, more specifically, Hongjoong’s close circle of friends. I didn’t necessarily like these missions, because they were dangerous and usually illegal, but I trusted the boys to come back unharmed, after all, they could handle themselves. Wooyoung was going on and on about how Jongho won’t let him draw his own map, as the younger from the two thinks Wooyoung’s drawing skills aren’t good enough yet, but all I could focus on was the empty seat to my right. Yunho had come down to have dinner with everyone, but instead of sitting next to me, he was sitting across the table, between Hongjoong and Mingi. That hasn’t happened before, and I could feel the questioning gazes of the others as we started eating, but I ignored them and snuggled into Wooyoung’s side, who was warm and kept me busy from thinking too much. Seonghwa was the most persistent as his eyes didn’t leave me for a good half an hour, but once he realized I wasn’t going to meet his eyes and talk about this new seating plan, he just sighed, and finally turned his attention onto Jongho, who instead of eating was drawing frantically in his little, secret, notebook. It was his diary, actually, but he never confessed that he really was keeping a diary, embarrassed when the older pirates started teasing him about it. I found it endearing, not that my opinion would’ve changed much.

Noticing that everyone by now was pretty much done eating, I abruptly stood, alerting Wooyoung as he had been complaining about Jongho, making Seonghwa jump too, as he seemed lost in his thoughts. A few pirates glanced at me before they continued their previous conversations, but Hongjoong raised a questioning brow as I grinned from ear to ear, walking away from my seat, towards the closed door. I clapped my hands three times, trying to get everyone’s attention as I smiled brightly, lightly pulling on the bottom of my burgundy shirt. Ara had insisted that if she were to be dolled up for tonight’s performance, then I should also make myself presentable. I invited her in my room shared with Yunho, and she was quick to pull my hair in intricated braids, without being too harsh. It was surprising, not many could tame a curly hair. She kept complimenting my copper curls and I was slightly embarrassed from the constant attention and praises, not used to them, having been surrounded by men for a very long time now. I’d lie if I say I didn’t enjoy my time with Ara. We giggled about everything, even talked about her previous crushes from her little town, and whispered about who she thought was the handsomest pirate on the ship. When she asked what I thought, I flushed a deep shade of pink, but skilfully dodged the subject, a knowing look appearing on Ara’s face. She insisted that I get rid of the cloth wrapped around my body and instead wear one of my corset’s, which I had never worn before but Wooyoung insisted I buy it when he saw it through the glass of the boutique. It was new, allowing my curves to show through my clothes, the bumps of my breasts foreign as I could see them and even feel them. I was scared what the pirates would think and said, but nobody threw me a second glance once they saw me at dinner, besides the quiet compliments that I had arranged my hair nicely and that the burgundy colour complimented my complexion well. It was rather comforting to see how much they didn’t care about how I presented myself, of course, Wooyoung excluded. Because he let out a shrill gasp when he saw me and pulled me up from my seat, twirling me around as I felt Yunho’s burning gaze on us. We hadn’t talked all day, it seemed like he was avoiding me. It didn’t surprise me, but I feared our friendship would never be the same again. Wooyoung kept going on and on about how beautiful I looked and that he knew that corset would look splendid on me, accentuating my beautiful form. Yeosang’s compliment also made me blush, but I turned my head in time and nobody saw it, or so I thought, because Yunho’s glare bore into the side of Yeosang’s head. I thought San would come and drag Ara away from me at any given moment, but he never showed up. Ara noticed how tense I was and just sighed, mumbling that she hadn’t seen San since the morning and something told her he was giving her some space, keeping away. It was weird. San has never done that before, to anyone. I didn’t say anything to Ara, though, just allowed her to have this moment of peace and joy as she applied something she called blush on my cheeks. Then I helped her get dressed and she clipped two strands of hair from the front to the back of her head, and then smiled at me, twirling around in my dress. It looked amazing on her, brought the colour of her skin out, matching her eyes. She truly looked majestic, and I understood now why she had high hopes of becoming famous one day. Her looks would’ve definitely helped her getting that, and if her voice was good, she truly had the whole package. Pity she had to rot away on a pirate ship, like she has said. I didn’t mind rotting away here, not as long as it was what Yunho wanted.

“May I have your attention, please?” I asked loudly, the pirates looked at me confused as I chuckled, “I know everybody is tense tonight, so, Ara and I thought we could diffuse the tension a little bit and…have some fun. Thus, I present you Im Ara, our entertainer for the night!”

The pirates seemed to grow even more confused as I opened the door and then stepped aside, allowing Ara to walk inside. She held her head high and smiled softly, waving delicately as she walked towards the stove, where she had a lot of space. Everyone watched her shocked, gaping at the beauty of her, and I just smiled as I went and took my place next to Wooyoung, grinning at him as he looked at me surprised. When I glanced towards Yunho, curious of his reaction, I was slightly taken aback by the intensity of his gaze on me, his eyes boring into mine. My smile slightly disappeared as I stared back, wishing he’d just stop being stubborn and would come and sit next to me, missing his familiar scent and warmth.

“Good evening, gentlemen, and Y/N.” Ara spoke up, voice velvety as she placed her hands in front of her. The pirates cackled at her use of words and I shook my head, showing Ara an encouraging thumbs up to continue, “I deemed it necessary to lighten your mood tonight, therefore, I shall sing to you.”

A few of the pirates grew tense, the Siren’s luring and hypnotizing song still fresh in their minds, even mine. The Siren had been a scary creature, but seeing how she didn’t really hurt anyone, even went as far as saving Jongho, I found some respect for her and set aside my judgement. I started clapping, realizing the silence was slowly becoming awkward, and Yeosang and Seonghwa quickly followed, slowly each and every pirate clapping for Ara. It seemed to encourage her as she slightly bowed her head and then cleared her throat, closing her eyes. Her mouth opened and she started singing, her soft voice carrying through the room as she started out slow and soft, the notes cradling you, comforting you almost. Ara’s voice was beautiful, just like her, and it was powerful and conveyed every emotion she felt during the song she sung. It was about a little girl lost in the world, lost in her own dreams, scared of what the real world had to offer for her. She didn’t know which path to choose, she didn’t know what was right and what was wrong. She was scared of falling, of the darkness, of the monsters hiding and waiting for her to walk into their trap. But then, just like a fairy, a kind lady, not older than her had appeared, and guided her through the ups and downs handed to her by fate, the little girl growing up into a refined and confident woman, ready to take on any hardships thrown her way. She never truly figured if the helping lady was real or a fairy, or just a fragment of her imagination, but she remained forever grateful as she lived long enough to tell her grandchildren all about it.

When Ara was done singing, she opened her eyes, and after a second of silence, the table erupted in loud claps, a few pirates even standing up and shouting encouraging words at her. Ara suddenly flushed and turned around, patting her chest down, and when she turned back around, her eyes were rimmed with tears. When was the last time she had sung? When she had an audience? My heart broke for her as I clapped, smiling proudly when we made eye contact.

As the table started quieting down, one already drunken pirate spoke up, “Do you know any sailor songs?”

“Name any!” Ara said excitedly and the table erupted into cheers again, the pirates slamming their fists against the table in excitement. I started laughing, never having seen the crew quite like this, never so carefree and happy.

“The coiled fishnet!”

“Blackbeard’s treasure!”

“The Serpent and The Pearl!”

“Deep under!”

“Cator’s last sail!”

“Lost on Sea!”

“Kings never die!”

“Remember me when I sink down under!”

Various sailor songs were screamed at Ara and she held a hand over her mouth, seemingly overwhelmed for a second, before she clapped her hands, and grinned mischievously, “That is a lot you want to hear, but the night is still young, isn’t it? I shall then start with The coiled fishnet!” Everyone started cheering loudly and Ara laughed before clearing her throat and starting to sing the quite sad song, the pirates humming along.

And just like Ara has said, the night was young, but when you were having a good time, it flew past you, making it seem like it was mere minutes. As the night progressed, the pirates got drunker and drunker, to the point that the kitchen was filled with loud singing as they had joined Ara, slurring their words and over shouting Ara’s majestic voice. I had been asked to dance by Wooyoung when one of the happier songs was being sung and I couldn’t refuse him, so we went and danced. Ara seemed to sparkle in the dim lights of the kitchen, radiating happiness as she clapped as Wooyoung and I danced around her. It only encouraged the other pirates to dance along and soon, I found myself in a big circle, getting twirled around and singing along with Ara. Even she was asked to dance during one of the more pacific songs, and she accepted gladly, blushing a little when Mingi held eye contact with her. She said that after Seonghwa, Mingi was the handsomest on the ship. Hongjoong had gone to sleep half an hour ago, whispering something to Yunho, and then excusing himself, saying that he needed to be well rested for the mission tomorrow. Yeosang followed soon after, but the others remained. Jongho was talking loudly and animatedly to a circle of five men from the crew, telling them everything he knew about sirens. It had been a touchy subject after his siren got away, but lately he seemed to be happier, especially when we were sailing through the Raging Sea. I didn’t think he’d see the Siren ever again, but perhaps I was wrong. Wooyoung was constantly dancing and singing, more like shouting, as he had started stealing Jongho’s own drink up until they younger’s father caught him, and tried to stop Wooyoung from getting wasted, to no avail. It felt good seeing my friends so free of worry finally.

Yunho never joined in on the singing nor the dancing, he just sat at the table, and watched everyone carefully, his eyes rarely on someone else other than me. It felt uncomfortable at the beginning, but I knew he just didn’t know how to approach me, so I let it slide. If he didn’t want to have fun, I wouldn’t try and haggle him like Mingi had been doing until he got almost punched. San was nowhere to be seen, until I spotted him in the doorway, hiding away in the shadows, eyes fixed on Ara, and only on her. His stoic expression was slowly slipping as Ara sung about a love so strong it would transpire into the lovers next lifetime, the two bound to always find each other. His hands were balled into fists and he gulped hard, and his eyes slightly closed, drinking in Ara’s soothing voice. Two lovers bound to face challenges in their next life, some so severe even the universe thought their bond would be broken, but it never did. Because unknowingly, fate had strung them together a long time ago, sealing their love as a testament against anything evil trying to break them apart. I watched as San crumbled for a second, it almost looked like a tear slipped down his cheek, before he made eye contact with me, and stormed off, my heart clenching for him. Despite the evil deeds he did, I knew he was only human. But not all sins could be forgiven, no matter how human one was.

I tapped Wooyoung’s arm as I pulled away and stepped out of the circle, him following closely behind. His cheeks were flushed and he was constantly giggling, the alcohol having clearly gotten to his head, “I think I’m going to sleep, Woo.”

His pout was almost adorable, “So soon?”

“It’s quite late, actually.” I answered with a chuckle as suddenly Wooyoung engulfed me in a big hug, his head resting against my neck. His chest fell and rose quickly from dancing around, a sheer layer of sweat coating his forehead.

“But we’re having so much fun!” He whined, and I shook my head as I petted his hair.

“I know, but Ara will perform for us again, and we’ll have even more fun.” Drunk Wooyoung was like a child, he needed to be coerced into doing things, softly spoken to, and a lot of patience. I felt eyes on us, but I didn’t turn around, assuming that it was most probably Yunho watching us.

“Will she, really?” Wooyoung asked dazed and pulled his head back, looking at me with a drunken grin.

“Of course, she will, Wooyoung.” I said with a chuckle, “I don’t think she has anything better to do and it actually makes her happy.”

“Like cooking makes me happy—” He hiccupped and I rolled my eyes, “and, well, stealing from the royal court.”

“You’re so reckless.” I shook my head at him and carefully pulled myself out of his tight hold, knowing his clinginess got worse when drunk. Wooyoung pouted and his eyes were halfway closed, suddenly the tenacious Sailing master disappearing as all I could see was the little prince who stumbled on our ship so many years ago. His skin polished, clothes posh, well-mannered and words carefully pronounced, accent absent. He was so different from us, yet he stayed. Something about the crew attracted him to the life of a pirate and he stuck with us, his Prince title long forgotten, his once King supposed duties long left in the past.

“I’m just a pirate.” Wooyoung lowered his voice and mockingly saluted, making me shake my head at him. He just chuckled and then hiccupped, swaying on his legs, the rocking off the ship slightly making it worse.

“Let’s get you to bed—” I started saying, gripping his arm, but Wooyoung groaned loudly, pushing me away with a frown.

“No!” He whined, glaring at me, “I’ll stay and celebrate for more, you go to sleep, Y/N. Jongho’s room is closest to mine, when he goes to sleep, I’ll go with him.”

“Pinky promise?” I extended my pinkie to him, and Wooyoung giggled.

“Pinky promise.” He nodded his head and hooked his pinkie with mine, sealing it with our thumbs. He waved goodbye as I bid him goodnight and started towards the kitchen door, eyes falling on Jongho, who didn’t seem too tired or drunk enough yet, holding a pirate by the collar as his eyes shone in excitement, talking loudly and explaining something to the poor pirates, who looked slightly frightened by Jongho’s passion. He was a stoic man, rarely showing any emotions, but I guess the liquor loosened up him enough to let his secret obsessive side shine through. Jongho was a precious person, I have always been fond of him, but perhaps that was also because he was the youngest amongst our close circle, and just a little boy when him and his father joined our crew.

I left the kitchen and walked down the dark hallways, knowing them like the back of my palm, in a cheery mood as the night had gone better than Ara and I had expected it. It was good for the pirates, but it was also good for Ara. They would warm up to her easier now, something so small as songs bringing us together. Ara was talented, I couldn’t help but pity her for her ruined dreams. She did deserve more, and perhaps, one day, San would let her go. Perhaps.

I pushed open the door of my room and walked inside, the moonlight casting the room in a soft glow, not strong but just enough to see the outline of things. It’s not like I needed light, I’ve been living in this small quarter for ten years now with Yunho. I stepped inside, letting the door shut behind me on its own, but I was barely two steps in, when the door was roughly pushed open, slamming against the wall. I jumped and whirled around tense, ready to fight if anyone was here to provoke me, but instead I was met with Yunho’s tall frame standing in the doorframe. My eyebrows furrowed and suddenly, he sprung forward, the door closing behind him forcefully, closing the distance between us until his lips were pressing against mine. Yunho’s lips. Pressing against mine. My mind reeled as my eyes widened so much, I thought they’d pop out of their sockets, Yunho’s soft lips pressing painfully against mine. When I didn’t respond, he pulled back just slightly, lips brushing against mine, eyes boring into mine. His breathing was uneven as I tried to understand the situation, guess his thoughts, but his eyes gave away nothing. I didn’t understand, I just couldn’t. It was so sudden. Out of nowhere. After yesterday’s outburst, it was unexpected. I was taken-aback, but slowly, I found myself wanting to feel the press of his lips against mine. I wanted to taste him. To feel him against my body. It was Yunho, my best friend, the man I loved. I was ready to give him everything he wanted. Words wouldn’t leave my lips, all that left them, was a whine and Yunho was suddenly pressing his lips against mine again, grabbing my cheeks painfully, squeezing the air out of me. I couldn’t help but reciprocate the kiss just as fiercely, standing up on my tiptoes so that he didn’t have to lean down so much, clinging onto him as I grabbed the collar of his shirt. Our lips started moving in sink, hungrily devouring the other, tasting them, curious of the other. They seemed to fit perfectly against each other as Yunho tasted of the rum he’s been consuming throughout the night, and despite being sober, suddenly, I felt like I was intoxicated myself. His hands slowly released my cheeks and I felt them on my arms as they slowly dragged down my body, hold tightening when his calloused hands and long fingers made contact with my corset. I shivered slightly at the firm grip, goosebumps erupting on my skin as he dragged his hands lower, following the curve of the fabric, of my body, as a sound left the back of his throat, pressed into my mouth, making my breath hitch. Yunho grabbed my waist and before I could react much, I was hoisted up, legs wrapping around his hips instinctually, as did my arms around his neck. Our noses pressed into each other’s cheek and I breathed in deeply, his scent so familiar that it sent chills down my spine. I couldn’t help but moan when he bit my lower lip, a sound I repressed so many times when he lazily kissed all over my body in the mornings, trying to hide the flush and the want trying to show on my face. Yunho hugged me close to his body as he walked to our bed, sitting down on it, letting me straddle his lap as I quickly pressed my lips against his again, opening my mouth up for him, desperate to feel more of him. His sweet tongue pressed against mine, and I felt like I could reach the stars any moment, as I moaned, licking at his, letting him do the same as his grip became bruising on my hips as he allowed his hands to wander underneath my shirt and corset, cold hands pressing against my heated skin. My breath stuttered for a second and Yunho must’ve felt it as he pulled back, his chest falling and rising quickly, just as breathless as I was.

I pecked his lips again, my body burning with a yearning I’ve never felt before in my life, the familiar glint back in his eyes. It felt like I was staring at the stars on a clear night, no clouds in sight. His gaze was so warm, filled with adoration and lust, as he dove down and pressed his open mouth against my neck, licking at the skin, my body reacting instantly as my hips slightly moved, shivers traveling down my spine. Yunho groaned against my skin, the vibration travelling through me, and I couldn’t help but move my hips against him again, as he pulled our bodies close by the strong grip he had on my hips. I was feeling so many new sensations at the same time, mind foggy and clouded with thoughts of Yunho. The familiarity of his scent and his warmth and his body. It felt like I’ve known him like this my whole life. My fingers tangled into the grown hair on his nape as he suddenly sucked down on the skin around my collarbones, making me grind against him slowly, biting down on my lower lip to stop a moan from escaping. Yunho licked at the abused skin and raised his head, looking me in the eyes before crashing his lips against mine again. I was hungry, wanting more and more as Yunho guided my hips against his growing member, moaning into the kiss when I gyrated my hips, long fingers bruising the skin of my hips. Our teeth clanked against each other, the sweet taste of Yunho mixed with the rum he’s been drinking all night and it was hard, too difficult, to pull away and steel my hips, when all I wanted to do was undress him and let him take me, give all of myself to him.

“Yunho,” I whispered, kissing his cheek instead when he tried to kiss me again, “You’re drunk.”

“I want you.” His voice was gravely as he whined against my cheek, “So badly, Y/N, please, I love you.”

My heart stuttered and I bit my lower lip, kissing his forehead, “I love you too, and I want you too, but not—not like this.”

Yunho sucked in a harsh breath, “I’m lucid enough to tell you that I want this.”

“Not tonight, please.” I mumbled against his skin, wanting him to be sober, not an ounce of alcohol influencing his wants and thoughts.

“I love you so much.” Yunho whispered and pressed his lips against mine, but didn’t deepen the kiss.

“And I love you just as much back.” I said with a smile and Yunho chuckled, his firm grip gone from my hips as he took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair. His cheeks were flushed and I knew mine were too. My heart finally felt complete, the usual void nowhere to be found as Yunho helped me off himself, smiling and giggling as he ripped his shirt open and threw it onto the floor. Before I could stop him, he got rid of his pants too and climbed into bed, pouting and motioning for me to follow him. I chuckled and shook my head, collecting his clothes and placing them on the chair. I untied my corset and took off my pants too, but left on the shirt, as I climbed in next to Yunho. He pulled me against his body instantly, nuzzling his head against my hair and inhaling deeply as I lay on top of him, placing a hand against his cheek. Sleep stole us away way too quick tonight.

I woke with a start, the bedsheets cold beside me, Yunho’s body missing. I shot up, instantly regretting it as my head spun, still foggy with sleep, as I rubbed my eyes and squinted. The sunshine was harsh as it shone inside through the little window and I noticed Yunho’s clothes were gone from the chair and a little piece of paper sat on top of our desk. I threw the covers off and got out of bed, walking up to the desk and grabbing the paper, reading Yunho’s neat handwritten note.

‘We had to leave at dawn, sorry I wasn’t with you when you woke up. Today’s mission is long and I don’t think I can go on without saying this, so Y/N, everything that I said and did last night, I meant it. When I return tonight, we shall talk about it.’

My heart skipped a few beats as I read the letter again, lips pulling into a small smile, cheeks flushing. The alcohol then didn’t give or take to Yunho’s actions last night, he wanted that. My heart swelled at the thought and I giggled as I shook my head, placing the paper back on the desk as I went to dress myself. I felt like abandoning the tight fabric for my torso today, and instead, grabbed the corset Wooyoung had gifted me and picked out one of my clean white shirts.

The sun was high up in the sky by the time I walked up on the deck, grabbing my binoculars in the process, taking in the few pirates standing on watch, making sure nobody tried to sneak up on our ship while we were decked down so close to the shore. Seonghwa stood on the quarterdeck, shoulders pulled back and one hand on his hip as the other held the binocular up to his eyes, looking towards land. When Hongjoong, our Captain, lead the mission, Seonghwa, his Quartermaster, stayed back to watch the ship. When Seonghwa led a mission, Hongjoong stayed with his crew. Despite my steps being light and quiet, Seonghwa heard me and turned with a smile, greeting me quietly. His long hair was pulled in a half up ponytail, sun beaming down on his tan complexion. His lips were shiny, and I just had a feeling that it was probably a gift from Bora, a sort of cream, which would hydrate his chapped lips. I chuckled at the thought as I stood next to him, looking towards the mainland, able to make out the people walking on the beach and coastline.

“Good morning.” I greeted cheerily, and Seonghwa chuckled, throwing me a questioning glance.

“Slept well?” He asked and I hummed, not saying anything more as Yeosang had walked on deck and waved our way. I waved back and Seonghwa nodded, watching as Yeosang went and climbed up on one of the shrouds. Seonghwa touched his compass, and I watched as he gripped it tightly before letting go of it, a quiet sigh leaving his lips. He had been a wreck for the six months it was missing. We hadn’t stopped until he finally found the person who had stolen it, and I couldn’t have been happier seeing Seonghwa finally regain himself. I could understand him. That compass was the only thing which reminded him that he did have a blood related family, even if they didn’t want him.

“How’s Bora doing?” I asked casually and watched as Seonghwa’s cheek caught a slight tint of pink. He shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.

“She was doing just fine last time we met.” He answered and I smiled at him, leaning closer.

“So, I suppose you forgave her?” My tone was light, teasing. Of course, he forgave her, I knew that. But it was always entertaining seeing Seonghwa blush. He rolled his eyes, and turned to face me.

“She proved herself to be useful, so, I decided to let it slide this time.” Seonghwa answered, and I hummed, a knowing smile appearing on my lips. Nobody who touched Seonghwa’s compass lived another day, yet this girl stole it from him and kept it for six months, and still walked away unscathed. If she wasn’t special, she’d be long dead. Seonghwa could try and play it off as nothing, but I knew it ran deeper than that. It was obvious how fond he was of her.

“Did she find any leads, then?” I asked, genuinely curious, as Seonghwa hummed.

“She found a merchant who seemed to know of a Bu family whose son disappeared twenty-five years ago.” There was a flicker of hope in Seonghwa’s voice, but it was quickly gone as he continued, “It could be anyone, however, I don’t have high hopes. I’ve been searching since I was a little boy for Bu Seolhwa and never found her…”

I felt sadness wash over me as Seonghwa’s shoulders slightly slouched, “Maybe you just didn’t have the right connections, Seonghwa, maybe Bora is close this time. Do you trust her?”

“With my life,” His voice was barely a whisper as a look of yearning crossed his face, “This Bu family seems to be from the Sun Rise Kingdom.”

“Where Hongjoong’s father found you.” I said with an encouraging smile and Seonghwa nodded, looking at me with a small smile.

“I’ll be visiting Bora and Nari next week; I’ll find out more then.”

“Good,” I hummed, my eyes widening as I remembered the delicate pearl necklace I placed aside for Bora’s sister, “Hey, I just remembered. Yunho brought back a pearl necklace a few weeks ago from one of his missions and I wanted to give it to Nari as I don’t need it…Jongho’s gifted me too many pearls by now.”

Seonghwa chuckled and looked down at his own pearl necklace from Jongho, “I’ll give it to her, she’ll be really happy.”

“Thank you.” I smiled and then allowed the comfortable silence to settle between us, as both Seonghwa and I raised our binoculars to look towards the mainland, survey the waters. Just as I was about to lower it, I noticed a boat headed our way. My eyebrows furrowed as I lowered my binocular and walked down from the quarterdeck and headed to the railing of the deck. Yeosang was climbed up high by now, the wind ruffling his fluffy hair. I raised my binocular again, about to shout at the pirates to load their guns, but it was Wooyoung. He was rowing towards our ship frantically, a body laying by his feet. My eyebrows furrowed and heartbeat slightly picked up, wondering who that was. If they were coming back, it meant that it was serious.

“Seonghwa!” I called back, turning to look up at him, “Are you seeing this?”

“Yes!” Seonghwa called down as he took off from his position, and approached me quickly. The boat has almost reached us. Seonghwa looked into his binoculars again and sucked in a sharp breath, but before I could look too, he gripped my arm and turned to me, face gravely, “Lower the ladder, now.”

Yeosang and I had designed a wooden ladder, without stairs, which we threw over the side of the ship to make it easier to travel up and down from it. It was optimal when we decked down in a port or close to the beach, where we didn’t need to us a boat to get closer to the shore. The water wasn’t too deep here, but the wooden ladder couldn’t be usable, so I threw Seonghwa a confused glance until I saw the seriousness on his face.

“Seonghwa!” I could hear Wooyoung shouting over the sounds of the waves crashing and wind blowing as his boat was closer, “I need help!”

Yeosang noticed that I was struggling with lifting the wooden ladder, so he came over and helped me, throwing it overboard as it slammed against the water loudly.

“I need Yeosang!” I could hear Wooyoung still shouting, “Yunho’s been injured, he can’t stand—he’s not responding!”

My world seemed to pause for a few seconds as I watched Seonghwa run past me and jump over the railing, sliding down the wooden ladder to get to Wooyoung and Yunho. Yunho. He was injured. He wasn’t responding—as if I had just resurfaced from underneath cold water, my body flinched and tensed up, and I was running to the wooden ladder, Yeosang’s firm grip pulling me away from the railing as he stared softly into my eyes.

“Let Wooyoung and Seonghwa take him up, Y/N, you can’t help.”

“I have to!” I screamed, trying to fight away Yeosang’s grip, but he wasn’t budging, “Yeosang, please!”

He sighed, but shook his head as I heard Seonghwa and Wooyoung struggling just a few feet away from us, “You know you can’t help them.”

He was right, I really couldn’t. The ladder couldn’t hold four people at once, it was me who designed it, I was supposed to know. But Yunho was there, injured. I couldn’t just stand and do nothing—my eyes snapped to the railing as Seonghwa’s head showed.

“Yeosang, come help.” He instructed and Yeosang was gone in a flash, leaning over the railing and pulling over Yunho’s limp body, my feet rooted in one place. I stared wide eyed at Yunho’s unconscious body, lips parted and hair sticking to his forehead. His white shirt had turned red at the front, cut across his chest, a wide gash gapping at anyone who looked at it. My hands pressed against my mouth as I felt my eyes fill with tears, Yeosang kneeled next to Yunho, two fingers pressed against his artery, checking for a pulse. He cursed, Yeosang never does that. Wooyoung hopped over the railing, hands and vest bloody, as his panicked eyes fell on me and he sucked in a harsh breath, instantly approaching me.

“Seonghwa, we need to take him to his room, right now.” Yeosang’s deep voice was frantic and Seonghwa was by his side, grabbing Yunho’s shoulders as Yeosang lifted him by the legs, and they started walking away, headed towards our room. I didn’t realize I was trembling until Wooyoung pulled me into a tight hug, something wet hitting my neck, snapping me out of my frozen state. My heart was hammering against my chest, and despite not meaning to be so harsh, I pushed Wooyoung off of me, staring at him with wide eyes as he started crying.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N, I was supposed to be on look out and kill anyone who approached the warehouse—I didn’t know they had sneaked in through the back until I heard Yunho screaming—” No. I couldn’t listen to that right now. No, not when the love of my life was possibly dying in our bed. I didn’t think or wait for Wooyoung as I took off, running past the pirates who tried to stop me and hold me back, shouting after me that I needed to let Yeosang work in peace and silence, but I couldn’t hear them. I had to get to Yunho. So, I raced down the stairs and crashed into the wall painfully, but I didn’t care as I ran down the long hallway, heart beating frantically as I arrived to our shared room, just as Seonghwa closed the door in my face.

“No! Let me in!” I screamed at the top of my lungs and tried to open the door, but the knob wouldn’t turn. They had locked the door. Locked me outside, with Yunho inside, separated us at such a crucial time. What if he didn’t get to live? What if he wanted to see me? What if I never got to see the glint in his eyes again? The smile on his face? What if I never got to feel his warm body against mine, his warmth engulfing my whole being? I started sobbing loudly and banging my fists against the door, screaming at Seonghwa and Yeosang to let me inside, to let me see Yunho. Before I could start kicking too, arms wrapped tightly around me from behind, and I was hauled back.

“No! Stop!” I screamed, trying to free myself, but the person was strong, “Yunho!”

My voice broke at the scream of his name and suddenly, I was turned around and my head was pressed against Wooyoung’s chest as he shushed me, petting my head, hugging me tightly against himself.

“You need to let them work in silence, Y/N.” He whispered against my ear, “Yeosang has to concentrate. You know he can save him; he’s saved so many others so many times, but he needs the quiet, Y/N.”

“I have to be in there, next to him—”

“You’d just distract them, Y/N,” Wooyoung cut my words off, “Please, have faith in him and Yunho. He’s strong, he’s a fighter.”

“I know.” I mumbled with a sob as I allowed my body to go numb in Wooyoung’s hold, tears streaming down my face without stopping. I couldn’t let my thoughts swallow me whole as horrible scenarios of Yunho’s death kept coming to the front of my mind, taunting me, making me cry harder. I couldn’t lose my best friend. I couldn’t lose the love of my life. Not yet. Not when we had finally given in to each other. Wooyoung’s grip tightened as he lowered us to the ground, pulling me into his lap and petting my hair, humming a tune only he seemed to know, his body warmth so comforting right now. I would’ve crumbled without him being here, without someone anchoring me. Yunho was my everything. Without him, life wasn’t worth living anymore.

Sometime ago Seonghwa had left the room, but with a sharp look, I knew I wasn’t allowed inside yet. He said nothing, just shook his head at Wooyoung, and walked off to clean himself up. I had stopped crying, only to start again when Yunho’s painful screams ricocheted off the walls, traveling through the wooden door separating the two of us. I was so close to him, yet not allowed to offer him any support from up close. I hated it. I wanted to barge in and just hold him, cradle his head to my chest while Yeosang fixed him up. But if he was screaming, he was still breathing, and as painful as it was, I couldn’t help but let out a breath each time I heard it, thanking the Gods that he was still among us, still feeling, still living. I had moved out of Wooyoung’s lap as I sat against the wall, head fallen back against it, hand holding Wooyoung’s as he rubbed my knuckles in a calming manner, my nerves slightly loosening before my muscles tensed back up. I felt bad for him, but nothing could truly comfort me right now. I only needed Yunho. To know that he was safe, far away from death’s grasp. It felt like hours had passed as I sat in the hallway, the chatter of the pirates on deck traveling all the way down here, Yunho’s occasional screams interrupting the peace, and Wooyoung’s humming when I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, body trembling in fear and empathy for Yunho. And then finally, somehow, that cursed wooden door opened just slightly for Yeosang to step through. I didn’t think I had enough power in me, but I sprung up to my feet, ready to bounce inside, but Yeosang’s dishevelled appearance made me pause, eyes taking in his bloody clothes and hands. Even his cheeks were smudged with blood, and suddenly, I felt nauseous. What if Yunho didn’t make it? What if all that blood…was because Yeosang couldn’t save him?

“I stitched him up, the wound was very deep.” Yeosang’s deep voice was tired as he sighed loudly, “He fell unconscious, but he’s still breathing. And his pulse had gotten a lot more stable, I’m confident he’s out of harms way, he will survive, Y/N, he’s as fine as he can be.”

A weight was taken off my shoulders as my body shuddered and I bit my lower lip to stop myself from sobbing again. Yeosang stepped aside and lightly pushed the door open to me, “You can go see him, I’m done.”

“Thank you, Yeosang.” I didn’t care of the blood as I hugged the doctor tightly, conveying my emotions into that one hug, so grateful for him. Yeosang mumbled a simple ‘I would’ve never let him die’, before I released him and entered the room, instantly hit by the iron smell of Yunho’s blood. It was strong, but I noticed the small window was opened to allow fresh air inside. My steps faltered for a second as I noticed all the bloody rags on the floor next to our bed, and I gulped, eyes slowly falling on Yunho. He was sprawled out on our bed, sheets bloody too, and torso naked as his chest fell and rose rhythmically, lips slightly parted. There was a wide gash going from his left shoulder down to his ribs on his right side of the torso, skin red and raw, stitches carefully and neatly done. Yunho’s eyebrows were furrowed, but his face seemed relaxed as his fingers kept flexing and then unflexing. I approached him carefully, scared that I would wake him up, as I kneeled down next to our bed, eyes piercing his face. I counted the seconds as he breathed, reassuring myself that he was alright. I wiped the tears off my cheeks as they started falling again, but I couldn’t help it, not when the love of my life was so close to death. So close to being taken away from me. I hated these bloody missions he had to go on.

“I know you’re here.” Yunho croaked out and my heartbeat stuttered as he reached his long fingers out towards me, the ring with the letter A glinting on his forefinger. I bit my lower lip and quickly intertwined our fingers, the warmth of his hand another reminder that Yunho was alive. Breathing. Blood flowing through his veins.

“Yunho—” My voice broke as I started crying again, trying to not sob as a serene smile appeared on his lips, “Yunho, I was so scared.”

“I know, baby, I was too.” He whispered, lazily opening one eye before the other. He looked tired, eyelids threatening to drop any minute. I squeezed our hands tighter together, our similar rings digging into each other’s skins.

“You can never again do this to me, do you understand?” I demanded, eyebrows furrowing as Yunho nodded slowly, eyes boring into mine with adoration and sorry.

“I promise I won’t, Y/N.” I sniffed, wiping my tears off with my other hand.

“Good.” I whispered and raised his hand, pressing my lips against his palm. Yunho hummed deeply and smiled, closing his eyes, looking like he was in haven. He was quite close to getting there, actually.

“I love you.” Yunho whispered suddenly, “More than a friend, Y/N. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, the only woman in my life. I don’t need anyone else, just you. You make me happy and feel like the luckiest man in the four seas and four kingdoms, Y/N, I love you so much.”

I bit my lower lip as a wide smile stretched on my lips, my cheeks flushing, my heart swelling. Could you truly love someone else this much? I found myself nodding at my own question, “I love you too so much, Yunho, I cannot imagine my life without you by my side. Please stay with me forever.”

“I will.” Yunho opened his eyes and looked deeply into mine, glint back in his gaze. It took me a second to realize what that was. It was love. Passionate and irrevocable. Burning me up and making me yearn for more and more as I leaned over the bed, towards Yunho’s face, and pressed my lips daintily against his. Yunho kissed me back and we both smiled into the kiss as the door opened, a deep chuckle echoing behind me.

“A few more kisses might just heal him faster, Y/N.” Yeosang said teasingly as he came back to gather the bloody rags, staring down at us happily as I pulled away from Yunho, flustered that someone caught us kissing.

“They might just.” I heard Yunho mutter to himself as he allowed his body to relax, eyelids fluttering shut, growing heavy against the sheets which smelled like us. I held Yunho’s hand as I continued kneeling on the floor, watching him sleep and thank the Gods for letting him see the sunset and sunrise once again.

I never knew you could love someone so ardently, that it ate you up, burned your whole being. I never dared imagine what it felt like when the person you love loved you back just as passionately, their whole world revolving only around you. But I knew now that it all would be fine. That nothing could break us apart, having sealed our bond for a lifetime. And staring at Yunho, I knew that I had found my soulmate, the only person in the whole world who understood me and would never abandon me.

Sneaking on this ship with him ten years ago was the smartest decision I have ever taken.

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fillinforlater · 8 months

Text

Paradise

Male Reader x Kim Gaeul

Length: 4646 words

Tags: non-smut, story heavy drama, angsty, best friends, young love, looking for paradise

TW: to avoid spoilers, assume all trigger warning apply (I promise nothing sexual!)

Inspiration: "Paradise" by Coldplay (I love that song. Others have inspired me as well e.g. "Clocks" but this is THE one).

(A/N: Happy Anniversary to me <3 fricking 2 years since y'all had to read my first fic. Thanks for all the support! Enjoy this fic that means a lot to me. @firagaarmor, this ones for you too!)

“Can you tell me what paradise is?”

You raise your eyes over the sharp edge of your book, your mind still lost in the adventures of a young sailor, trying to make a name for himself and fighting with the deadly, dark blue sea and the temptation of strong liquor. He’s a brave man, firmly gripping the loose end of a rope to hold the sail steady while a thunderstorm makes his life seem defenseless, fragile, miniscule. The book is too tense, too captivating to stop now!

But then you continue to look past all the letters on old, yellowed paper, straight to her face. Feel her strong gaze grab you and freeze you in place with nothing but softness and innocence. Suddenly, the meaning these words had on you evaporates; the capturing story is nothing but a hallucination you experience while staring at them. You are not hallucinating now. She is here, she is real—and she is absolutely gorgeous.

“Paradise?” you sum up her question in a rather uncertain whisper, Gaeul nods nonetheless.

“Yes!” her eyes beam with thrill and she closes the gap between you and her on the couch. Usually, the two of you leave some space on the worn-out, white sofa, with you reading in one corner and Gaeul resting in the other. It’s rare for her to be this close; it makes you trip up and drop the book on your chest. “Tell me all about it.”

“Well it’s… simple, yet also very complex, you know?” You scratch the back of your head and avoid her face. Straight brown hair frames her soft features, puts a stark contrast between dark beauty and pale beauty, while every nook and cranny on it is just flawlessly carved—you’re red now.

“You need to tell me everything!” Gaeul insists.

“F-fine. Paradise is the place that we go to after we die. We of course don’t know if it’s real or not or if we have to do something or believe something to get in it. Maybe it’s guarded by angels, gods or titans! Maybe it’s just something we tell ourselves to feel better about what death might be: just nothingness. Sometimes people imagine heaven to be this overwhelmingly marvelous forest, where everything is in harmony. Sometimes they see it as a golden gate with everything perfect and beautiful behind it. Sometimes people just call some place on earth paradise.”

“Why?” Gaeul asks, her ears twitching but not really twitching. She is just excited to listen to you, probably. “Where is this place?”

“Well, uhm,” you mutter and scratch harder. Surely you’ll find an answer that will satisfy her. “I think you need to find this place yourself. Like I said, everyone thinks paradise is something different.”

Gaeul nods with the eagerness and naivety of a child. She still possesses this deeply rooted innocence, this greed for knowledge and finding new things. All these years of school could not squeeze it out of her, no belittling, no bullying, nothing can break her spirit. You adore her for it, you envy her for it.

“Paradise,” she says and returns to her original position. “Paradise, paradise.”

She smiles.

“I want to see it with you.”

Gaeul and you are stuck to each other like glue. God put this glue on you from the very beginning. Gaeul was born seventeen days after you, in the same hospital, and grew up in the same street, in the same town as you. You’d always meet her at the playground and from wordlessly playing with her in the sand to fighting and hating her, you felt every emotion towards her every day for all those long kindergarten days.

In school, it was more or less the same. Other people were always interesting for Gaeul, but she kept them at a distance, unlike you, who she never ignored or turned down. You were a bit more difficult back then, frankly, the teasing from the other boys about her was annoying, but you got over it the day you found out she liked the same songs.

“Seventeen?” she chirped when you mentioned their debut track. “You like Seventeen?”

“Well, yes. This song sounds very… nice,” you whispered, phone in hand, eyes on the pavement.

“Do you know all their names?”

“Ha, no way! There is like so many of them.”

Gaeul grins and grabs your hand. Triumphantly, she announces: “I know all of them, all thirteen! I guess I’m smarter than you!”

“Pah, I-I was born seventeen days before you. I’m older and I’m smarter!”

“No~”

The bickering made you bond, while the fantastic songs of Seventeen drowned out all foreign criticism. You found more and more things to like and dislike about each other, which made every day spent together worth it. Be it playing games together, preparing food (let’s be honest, you mostly just tried mixing random ingredients and had her mom save it in the end) or just chilling on the couch—it never got boring.

It was about a year ago when you noticed that she had these long phases where she just did nothing. Her small body was positioned on the couch, always the same way on the same spot, and then she would look into nothingness. You wanted to tease her for it, for being a daydreamer, someone who spaces out and drools while doing it, yet you stopped.

She is so pretty.

You admired her. There was no drool, no dumb, mindless dreaminess in her eyes. She was in her own world, thinking of something so incredible, it made her beam with life. Her eyes were like orbs, set ablaze by golden light. Movies could never get her attention and admiration for this long—movies could never get your attention and admiration for this long. You were the one staring, you were the one drooling over how everything about her is just so flawless—you still do.

This was the day you noticed you liked her.

Seventeen days later came the day she asked about paradise.

That was the day she stole your heart.

…

Today is the day a cruel devil came to smash it into pieces.

Being friends with Gaeul for almost twenty years, it is only natural that her parents would inform you as soon as possible. You dropped your phone as the words left the speaker, it’s smashing on the floor goes unnoticed by you. Seconds later, you’re already on the street, on the run, straight to her parents’ house. You didn’t need to ring, her father wordlessly held the door open and pointed to her room.

She sits on her bed, her lower body tugged in a blanket, her back against the wall, her eyes… shut. You look at her mother, a mess of tears and snot; it’s not yet on her face but the moment she looks at you it, the dams break. Her knees unstable, she walks out of the room into her husband's arms.

“Gaeul, I—”

You look at her again. Her eyes are open, focused on the opposing wall, the sparkle of life, wonder, joy still strong, but it’s slowly getting drowned in this puddle of tears that glisten in them, a stain on her that you can’t bear to see. So you kneel down, reach for her hand and watch her leave whatever world she tried to escape into.

“Gaeul, I-I’m sorry,” you stammer out, your hands the ones shivering more, though you’d love to think that you’re strong and she is the one folding.

“It’s not your fault, dumbo,” she semi-laughs, semi-sighs. Then she rasps: “Nothing you can do about it.”

“I-I know… and I hate it.”

Silence. You look at her chest, slowly heaving up and down in a rhythmic cycle, gently increasing when you squeeze her hand and she looks down on it. Gaeul cracks a small smile, a smile so full of pain, every second you look at it is sending daggers to your chest.

Rage is building up inside you. Feel it creep up every limb, every toe, every finger, up to your head where you imagine the cruelest things you could do to the devil or deity who let this happen, no, who made this happen. They are a devil, and you will go down into the depths of hell to make them suffer for eternity.

How could they do this to her? What did she do? She doesn’t deserve this!

And you don’t deserve this either. What did you do, to see pain and horror like this? What did you do to hold a warm hand soon to be cold? What did you do, to see the love of your life become nothing but ash and dust, buried somewhere in the ground, forgotten in two generations, a life too short, too cruel to even call it that?

I’ll—

“Do you remember,” Gaeul suddenly asks, her voice soft and calming, like the wonderful, nostalgic wife you never had, you never will have. “The day I asked you about paradise?”

“Of course I do!” you blurt out, voice a bit hoarse. You could never forget the day you fell in love with her.

“You said that people can find paradise here on earth,” Gaeul starts. “I know I should probably go look for it myself but… can you go with me and show me paradise?”

The tears she held back in her eyes must have found their way to yours. Your vision is all blurry, your voice barely registers, but you are certain she hears you and knows what you're saying. You would never let her down, and in this moment, no feeling could be stronger.

“Of course, Gaeul. A-anything for you.”

You have only heard of cancer from these dramatic movies that people watch and then cry. Maybe somewhere in the news or a documentary, but then it was usually older people, not young and youthful spirits—those who don't think that a tragedy is right around the corner, waiting to rip apart their bodies, souls but first of all, their dreams.

Gaeul’s condition got worse rapidly. For the first two weeks, Gaeul’s mom would call you every other night because something seemed to be up. She was throwing up, had a high fever, the doctor was late, she didn’t respond—some of them were clearly only in the head of Gaeul’s mother who started to smoke again, the butts of cigarettes soon littering the tiled kitchen floor.

You’re not at all better though. Every time the phone rang, you ran over to her; throughout all other seconds of the day, you were frozen in place. Like a puppet, you sat on your bed, blankly staring at the wall and into nothing. Your body is perfectly fine, nothing hurts or is out of place yet everything feels agonizing in its meaninglessness.

You can’t even light up this tiny, simmering flame you always see in Gaeul’s eyes when you enter her room. It has not faded, no tears, no vomit, no painful breaths, nothing has put it out. It’s remarkable, beautiful, it’s the only thing that rids you of your agony for a moment.

When she was just a girl, Gaeul expected the world to tell her everything, to the minutest of details to the broadest of concepts. She sucked it all up like a sponge and let the mechanisms in her small, pretty head work with it for hours. Now it’s about to fly away from her reach in a cruel race where the world might only be jogging, but Gaeul legs are literally withering away under her tiny weight.

Yet you see the dreams in her eyes. She will not relent until she has—

Paradise.

Not even past the door frame, you drop the backpack to the ground. Gaeul jumps a bit and smiles at you in confusion. Your expression must be bewildering, funny, but she has no idea with what conviction your heart is finally urging your stupid brain to get going.

“Hey, what’s up? You alright?” she asks.

“Gaeul.” You reach for her hand, down on your knees to be level with the small, bedridden girl. “I’m going to look for it.”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“I will look for it and find it! A-and then, I’m going to take you there, I promise!”

Gaeul looks at you funny, her free hand pushing away your torso in a playful gesture. A coughing fit interrupts her initial chuckle. “You’re playing around, talking weird stuff. But it’s funny.”

“No, I mean it—

“Paradise, Gaeul, I’m going to look for it—and I will find it for you.”

“Really?”

Really?

Early in the morning, the sky is still more dark, navy blue than anything else, you stuff whatever you might need into your backpack. Long forgotten and unnecessary are those school books and pens; you’ve not lost a thought about that in weeks. Frantically, you replace them with snacks, some water bottles, a map, a book, a phone, a towel, a shovel and a pocket knife. No dehydration, no getting lost, no boredom will prevent you from undertaking a journey to—

Where to, you wonder. The compass on your phone points in directions, probably the right ones, but it’s meaningless, useless. The correct route to paradise has to come from your heart. Your heart has already embedded its needle in the magnetic field that is Gaeul, now all you need to do is feel in which direction it points.

On the calm streets of this town you walk, along pretty houses which were always the start to all of yours and Gaeul’s games and adventures. It never ended here however. The two of you were always drawn to what's beyond the tarmac, the stones, the plastic. It all changes, quickly blurs to a mix of brown and green, every color in between, on this spectrum. On the soft soil of the forest underneath your feet, mixed with crunchy leaves and crunchier twigs, your adventure continues.

You might be closer, but this is definitely not yet paradise. Beautiful, but you can find it elsewhere equally as beautiful. Without second thoughts, you march on, deeper into the woods towards the pull. Gaeul’s magnetic field has this tendency to swirl off the main road. Suddenly, you find yourself in between thick bushes and young trees that make walking through them quite challenging.

Some plants wrap themselves around you like vines trying to hold you back. Slash them with the knife, bite into an apple and don’t stop for nothing. Soon, you find parts of the forest completely unbeknownst to you. The green looks darker, sunlight is a bit sparse and more animals run through your field of view. Bird, mice, dear, they all seem to look at you and when you hush and look back, it’s—

Peaceful. A piece of heaven, of paradise?

Though this spot may fill you with wonder and calm your heart, it's not yet paradise. It's all fleeting; the animals jump at your first motion, all it takes is a single cloud blocking the sun and its soft, faint rays are gone as well. You have to move onwards, past the mushrooms and moss, the deepest you have ever been in this forest.

Thousands of steps later, the dryness in your throat and the hole in your stomach force you to take a break. In midst all the tall, blooming trees you find a patch of grass, a glade, untouched by man. A perfect resting spot for the wild life, unbothered, untouched beauty. You feel a bit out of place, but you won't deny that it's a privilege to just sit down and take a breather.

You quickly down sandwiches and the water, realizing that both are not enough to quench your hunger and thirst. The sun is barely visible from here—how long has your adventure lasted until now? At some point you need to turn around, find your way back; thank God for phones and Google Maps, otherwise you'd be lost forever.

Amongst all of nature's sounds, you suddenly hear the splattering of water, probably in a small creek nearby. You grab your things and move closer to the source. The splattering gets louder and louder, oh, what you would give for the water to be clean and drinkable.

Uneven terrain and bushes block your way, but you can see the sun bursting through small gaps in between branches. You find an angle, with less thorns and stinging nettles and cut your way through it. Feel your heart throb in excitement, even when nature tries to resist you. There is something behind this, and now you are free to—

Close your eyes, because this cannot be real.

A picture before you, beautiful drawn, everything perfectly decorated, yet it cannot explain the stunningness of the sight before you. A wide open cliff gives you a perfect view of the entire forest and the lake in its middle. To your left, the outskirts of the city, only a couple of streets with both a school and hospital in sight. To your right a miniscule waterfall, fueled by the aforementioned creek. Everything is overstimulating, yet absolutely coherent in both its vibrantness and peacefulness.

Best of all, above a small rock overhang along this cliff, a pair of butterflies seem to happily dance around each other, blissfully unaware of the steep fall below them. No, they just love each other. Both swing their colorful wings to their own rhythm, not caring if someone sees, not allowing anyone to disturb them.

You carefully step towards their overhang, take a look down and see that it might be a dangerous fall, but you don’t feel any danger in this place. It is cozy, relaxing and quiet. There is nothing to fear, not even boredom. There is unlimited adventure and excitement amongst these gigantic trees, they embrace you with their twigs and tuck you in with their leaves. You can stay here for eternity, in fact you almost want to.

But not without Gaeul.

“I think I found it,” you’ll tell her. “I think I found paradise.”

“Gaeul is in the hospital.”

Your mothers first words when you return from your trip. The strain on your muscles, your back, your hands; they fade into the background the moment you realize what might be happening.

“What, why?”

“Her health has been… rapidly declining the last two days,” your mother says and urges you to sit down. You do not. “At some point, I could hear her scream from across the street, she… she has to be in so much pain.”

“A-and then?” You can barely stand standing around and not being by her side.

“They came like two hours ago, took her to the lake-side hospital. Her mother is—”

“I’m going there,” you say, drop your backpack and turn on your heels. Your mother sighs, deeper than ever. There is tears and misery in her eyes.

“I… don’t want you to go. You shouldn’t see this.”

“Mum, I will go. Why would you stop me? I need to be there; I can’t leave her now!”

Your mother stands up. You watch her reach for a cup of tea and drink the entire thing. Maybe it wasn’t tea. Maybe she needed some strength right now. This strong woman has never looked so vulnerable to you. She reaches for your hand.

“Okay… I’ll drive you.”

“You came,” Gaeul whispers, her voice hoarse, her eyes puffy, her skin pale. Well, she has always been quite the pale girl, but now her skin is rivaling snow in terms of whiteness. You push away a doctor and a relative or two and reach for one of Gaeul’s fragile hands.

“Of course I did. I’m never not there.” You smile.

“There you go, saying silly things again.” Gaeul smiles.

This is where you lose yourself in her eyes, those deep brown marbles, like bitter yet sweet chocolate—fitting to the overall mood in this hospital room. While you continue to stare into Gaeul’s dreams, the people around you go through all those stages of grief in front of the doctors, their powerless deities. Denial in her fathers voice, anger in the way her mother grabs her brother, they are bargaining, well onto their way into depression.

But Gaeul is still right there. She is still breathing. She is still breathing, even after they all leave the room. You stay by her side, long after midnight and most of the time, you just listen to her breath. Weak and shallow, but enough to keep her going. Then it starts to rain.

“Did we play in the rain back then?” you ask, looking out through the window into the dark clouds and the impending torrential downpour.

“Once or twice for sure,” Gaeul responds. You feel her eyes in your neck. “We should have done it more often.”

“Yeah, but only when the rain is warm.” Caress her knuckles. Gaeul sighs.

“Then I could have seen paradise in the rain.”

Feel a rush of excitement run down your spine when you turn to her.

“Gaeul, I think I found it. I found paradise! It’s not far from here. Let’s go there tomorrow or the day after—”

“Y-you did?” Gaeul suddenly squeezes your wrist tightly. “Where is it?”

“Near the lake, secluded in the forest. It’s beautiful—I’ll show it to you.”

“C-can we go now… please?”

Your eyes widen, your breath quickens. Someone has a belt wrapped around your chest and gradually tightens it. It’s as if there is poison in the air draining your life. This can’t get to you—no, it cannot be true. All the dreadful thoughts, you push them to the side, though they sink into your heart like the pointiest of knives. In your turmoil, you forget to answer.

Gaeul props herself up and stretches her arms out.

“Take me there, please.

“I want to see it tonight.”

No matter how much your heart bleeds, you find a way to work. For your best friend, the childhood love, the—current love. You easily pick up the thin girl and she finds the strength to secure herself on your back. She is light and heartbreakingly weak. Everything falls on you now.

“I don’t know if I’m strong enough,” you hiss when you piggyback carry the girl out of the room and quietly sneak her out through the fire exit. “But I’ll try my best to be your hero, Gaeul.”

“Don’t be some hero from your book,” Gaeul whispers, her lips right on your earlobe. “Just be you, that’s cool enough already.”

The rain is worse than you expected. Thick droplets a plenty make all colors of the quite illuminated town blurr. You just know you have to run away from them, towards the forest. There the roof of leaves will protect you from getting more soaked—which is not possible. After only a hundred meters, both you and Gaeul are two human sponges, drenched in heavenly water.

“It’s warmer than I thought,” Gaeul croaks as you sprint down the final street where the trees finally start. “Let’s play in this rain.”

“S-sure,” you grunt through gritted teeth, your exhausted legs barely keeping you upright. At the first tree, you take a breather. “But let’s get to paradise first.”

“How long is it?”

“About a kilometer. Can you hold my phone?”

Gaeul grabs it, the faint light showing a messy hill with a hundred reasons to doubt that you can carry her up there. Worriedly, Gaeul clings onto you stronger than before.

“Isn’t this too steep?”

You smile and adjust Gaeul, the friend on your back and take away all of her doubts by marching onwards, into the mud. Soon your legs are all covered in the heavy mixture of dirt, leaves, twigs, a couple of bugs, some plastic—it’s almost impossible to lift your legs over the taller roots breaching through the ground.

“Sorry that you have to carry me,” Gaeul murmurs, her face sunken into your back. The wind whips above the trees, their tips shake and you get showered in pine needles. You pause for a second, then laugh.

“Look at this mess! Mother nature is really playing with us tonight.”

“I-I’m sorry, I can’t—”

You pull a couple of needles out of Gaeul’s short, muddy, messy hair. In the faint light of your phones’ lamp. She looks like a ghost with barely lit eyes. God, it hurts to see her like this… but you will never deny that she isn’t drop dead gorgeous. The flame in her eyes hasn’t faded yet either. No matter how much fucking water the clouds above you pour down, they burn and they burn into your heart.

“Gaeul,” you say with confidence and unbridled determination as you take the first step on your final surge up to paradise. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t be sad. We are almost there. Hold onto my shoulders and you’ll be fine.”

Gaeul quietly sniffles into your thoroughly wet t-shirt, only a few tears, yet each of them is like a waterfall and adds to the weight of the most water you have ever seen in your life. Not even the oceans can compare to whatever mother nature has decided to unleash onto this area. If this is what it takes to get Gaeul to heaven, you will swim through it.

Again and again, until the end of time. And then you’ll still do it.

A bush brushing over your bodies, its evil thornes piercing your skin. You don’t feel it. Your hand shelters Gaeul, before pushing away the final branches of a familiar oak tree. There it is. Your heart skips a beat. You sink to your knees.

“Hey! Hey, are you okay?” Gaeul shouts, then she looks ahead. In this exact moment, a miracle: a lightning bolt in the distance, bright and wide, hits a far away field. Everything is illuminated, the ridiculous beauty of paradise visible in the middle of the night—for your best friend to see.

“What do you think?” you ask, out of breath and smiling brightly, brighter than the lightning. Gaeul has gotten off of your back and her weak legs carry her towards the overhang. The visual is impeccable, epic on so many levels, it’s like the grand finale to the universe:

Gaeul, the love of your life, looking at her paradise. It should be impossible, but she stands there. What might her face look like right now? You don’t need to see it to know.

Suddenly, she turns back around and sinks down on the floor. You try to catch her. A second to late, all you can do is prop her back up, shake the collar of her hospital gown. Her eyes are barely open, her lips tremble. You hug her tightly, not caring about the mud below you.

“Gaeul… no!”

Lying underneath the stormy skies, the only thing holding her in this world are your arms underneath her. Gaeul stretches out her pointer towards the horizon.

“I know the sun will rise.”

Her voice is but a whisper in the downpour, quieter than even the waterfall of tears running down your face—but it’s powerful enough to pull a single, all illuminating beam of sunlight from the edge of the world. In a final, painful but infinitely freeing breath, Gaeul says it all:

“This could be… you could be… no—

“You are my paradise.”

“Gaeul, I love you!”

As if to say ‘I love you too’, she puts her cold lips on yours a final time and flies away, forever. You hold her forever, kiss her forever, love her forever while the strongest gusts of wind don’t feel like anything. Gaeul is in your arms, looking so alive with her closed eyes and peaceful smile; but it’s all not true.

You decide to fall

faster than the rain drops,

faster than the waterfall

and then meet her;

for she is your paradise.

#kpop angst #kpop fanfiction #ive angst #gaeul angst #ive gaeul angst #gaeul fanfiction #kim gaeul

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