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caspianxth · 1 year

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SHADOW AND BONE SPOILERS!

okay first, Kaz would have not fucking given up his cane, and for a king?!?!? love it but he would not do that, it was adorable tho. Second, he just wanted to be loved:( i think i read it in the book cause they never said it in the show but all he wanted was the love of his people, and for them to be safe, and look what it cost him:( Third, why would they change all that, like yes i get this is basically a prequel for six of crows BUT i enjoyed jesper and wylan being slow burn and now theyre a thing?? like what happpens now instead of all the teasing and pining in both upcoming heists, and also with kanej, cause like yeah the love confession was word for word which was nice BUT theyre still TWO heists to come, what about the pining!?!?!! and speaking of inej, she's now free and also a slaver-hunting pirate, which is all she wanted but what about the heists!!!!! like i guess she'll come back out of the love in her heart but why have her achieve her dream just to give it all up?? And don't even get me started on Mal and Alina, like i get their story hasnt really ended, especially with the nikolai thing (poor baby), but wtf.

Despite all of that, I really enjoyed it, it was really well made, I just wish I didn't compare everything with the books, anyway, sending love, thanks for letting me rant none of my friends like s&b.

I do v much agree that it's v diff from the books, but I don't hate that! lemme dive in under the cut tho <3

I wish they had more time bc they were trying to do So Much though and I feel like nikolai's arc as a monster was just weirdly done. alas, lemme dive in!!

I actually disagree on the cane, and here's why. kaz had no reason to tell inej about jordie. he even says in his chapter he had no idea why he did it. was it because he loved her? or was it that he truly felt like she deserved to know? why would she deserve to know??? he also expands on this with jesper, someone who unwittingly betrayed him! he sees jesper as jordie and then when jesper asks who jordie is after kaz slipped and called him jordie, he doesn't tell jesper off, he doesn't shut down. he tells jesper that jordie was someone who meant a lot to him in a way that makes it pretty clear for me that he truly cares for jesper too. he didn't have to do that, but he did it for inej and for jesper, the crows who have been by his side longest. also in soc he allows the crows to drag him to a different cafe in djerholm after they stake out the prison transports. kaz's way is the highway at this point in soc, the crows haven't learned that they can team up on him the way nina and inej do for the ketterdam grisha in crooked kingdom, they didn't have to relocate, but they did. if kaz wanted to shut down their complaining he would have. instead he gave into their apparent need for sweet buns and hot cocoa. also, when we get flashbacks from the ferolind via wylan in crooked kingdom, kaz was the one who was warning wylan about tailoring his face using nina's powers on parem and it was kaz that believed that wylan's father still loved him. he even bet on it and lost (which is hilarious btw, I mean not for wylan but u get me). also, in crooked kingdom after kaz robs cornelius smeet and then crashes into him to return the dog whistle and returns his wallet, smeet gives kaz 5 kruge. he then turns and gives that to wylan. sure, they have pekka's money, but why would kaz brekker give wylan something for nothing? he also steals back jesper's pistols from club cumulus's safe. he claimed that a shooter's nothing without his guns, but jesper helped get his dad and wylan back to black veil just fine without his beloved revolvers. kaz also swore to inej that even if her legs were broken, he'd come back for her. yeah, he's in love with her, but would he do that if there wasn't still a kernel of kaz rietveld inside him?? would he give wylan 5 kruge or warn him that he might always have kuwei's face?? would he have worked so hard from the initial heist at smeet's to get wylan back his money by replacing jan's will??? no. dirtyhands wouldn't. kaz rietveld would. there's still pieces of him there, and that's exactly why he'd give his cane to nikolai. firstly, he still needs to be paid, a slow king is an easily killed king, and as kaz himself said he is more experienced with pain. it's the most logical move to make. kaz is also someone who still has kindness in him despite what he says, even in the show when he promises that he'll help nina w freeing matthias. there's a heart buried in him, and I for one love to get peeks at it. also I think they made his need to be loved by his crows in the show decently clear, like when he asks wylan when he last ate or when he gives up the deed for the crow club for inej (let's face it, dirtyhands could have found a way to get leverage on helene to make that work without risking everything for inej but he did it bc he cares about her) and with how he was keeping jesper's zowa powers a secret. even though jesper's zowa powers could have been pretty useful before, kaz said nothing. he also wanted all of the crows in the building when he took pekka down. inej was the only crow not in attendance (and matthias but he's in jail, so he kinda has bigger shit but kaz still paid the guards to keep him out of the fights).

w the wesper: gimme gimme gimme!!! I'd rather get it fast than not at all esp w how weird netflix has been the past year with what gets renewals and spinoffs and what gets cancelled. and I think they did it in a way that was very true to the characters!! it's so cute!!!! the stroopes!! you remember that nOW??!!??!?!?!? and can we talk about tolya being the #1 wesper shipper!!! also there's a gifset idk if I can find it tonight but it's kaz saying 'everyone's losing their minds' after wylan and jesper kiss outside ohval's and the caption on the gifset is 'my brother in ghezen you set them up' and I think about that a lot.

with inej I think that it's great that she's slave hunting early bc I think that it gives a really great opportunity for a bit of kanej closure that the books never had. at the end of crooked kingdom, inej prepares to leave and just says she isn't done w ketterdam (and by extension kaz) yet but that's p much it, even in king of scars / rule of wolves we don't get concrete kanej. I think with inej's story, it gives her that option to find her family and get that closure, and hell that could've been the payment kaz asked for when they returned to ravka, we don't know, but once she finds the slavers it'll bring her closure and I think that'll help give us a possibility of a definitive kanej endgame for the show.

also w the not malina end, I'm sorry but I'm all for it. I think it makes sense esp bc she used merzost to rip him away from death. we saw him in the field, he was content, he was at peace, and she legit Yanked him back. I think a part of him knows that. also, he did die. that no doubt changed him, so he's v right to explore who he is if not a mythical tracker and I loved nikolai dread-pirate-roberts-ing him by making him the new sturmhond even tho he isn't in charge. also I really really wish they'd done nikolai's monster story better. I wanted to see him w the wings and the talons and all they did was make him look like a nichevo'ya. boo!! but I think they were just trying to set up too much and cut a ton (harshaw and oncat 😭) and redo stuff to make it work, it felt like at times alina got sidelined for everything else they had to do.

also of course!!! ur welcome in my inbox bestie!!!

#asks #sorry this is an essay lmaooo #shadow and bone spoilers #kurtcobainsgreencardigan

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saanjhish · 3 years

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Kaz Discreetly Being There For Jesper in CK, chapter 6 (TW: Crooked Kingdom spoilers):

In chapter 6, we witness some precious, underrated moments of Kaz and Jesper, or rather underrated soft Kaz moments towards Jesper.

We are always saying that Kaz is only soft for Inej, and while that is true because he prefers to let down his guard around Inej [Kanej Supremacy], he is also soft for the rest of the Crows, but doesn't prefer to fully show it. Instead, he has their backs discreetly, so that it looks like it's for his own good, but is really for theirs as well.

In this post, we'll be looking at the three iconic times he had Jesper's back when Colm Fahey, the latter's father, had entered the tomb they were staying at.

"Were you followed?" [asked by Kaz]

"No," Jesper replied with a decisive shake of his head.

"Wylan?"

Colm bristled, "you doubt my son's word?"

"It isn't personal, Da," said Jesper. "He doubts everyone's word."

Kaz's expression had been unruffled, his rough stone voice so easy and pleasant that Nina felt the hair rise on her arms. "Apologies, Mister Fahey. A habit on develops in the Barrel. Trust but verify."

Here, Kaz could have been rude, to instill fear in Colm Fahey as well, like he preferred to with everyone else in order to survive. But he didn't. He was Jesper's father, and Kaz knew how important he was to Jesper, so he decided on being sincere, nice. He decided on doing what was good for Jesper instead of what was good for himself. Also, let's not ignore the fact that he adressed Colm Fahey as "Mister Fahey." He showed him respect, he usually addresses men and women much older than Colm by their first name. Yet he went with "Mister Fahey," when it came to adressing Colm Fahey.

Onto the next one.

"I wrote to you, Jes," His [Colm's] voice was confused, not accusing.

"I … I haven't been able to collect mail." After Jesper had stopped attending university, had he still managed to receive letters there? Nina wondered how he'd maintained this ruse for so long. It would have been made easier by the fact that Colm was an ocean away—and by his desire to believe in his son. An easy mark, Nina thought sadly. No matter his reasons, Jesper had been conning his own father.

"Jesper—" said Colm.

"I was trying to get the money, Da."

"They're threatening to take the farm."

Jesper's eyes were firmly fixed on the tomb floor. "I was close. I am close."

"To the money?" Now Nina heard Colm's frustration. "We're sitting in a tomb. We were just shot at."

"What got you on a ship to Ketterdam?" Kaz asked.

Here, Kaz noticed Jesper's obvious disappointment in himself and his fear of his father finding out. And due to the questions Colm kept asking Jesper, the sharpshooter we all love was suffering from undoubted internal panic. So, Kaz asked Colm a question that distracted him from asking Jesper questions and prevented Jesper from shattering to pieces inside. Kaz knew that Jesper wanted his father to think of him as a student, studying and working hard, and not a criminal with a gambling addiction [who also worked hard, but Jesper's insecurities told him otherwise when he stood in front of his father.]

Kaz protected Jesper, making it look like the question was just to get more information, but it was mostly to bringing Jesper's worst fears to life.

And the next,

"I don't understand any of this. Why would you bring me to this horrible place? Why were we shot at? What has become of your studies? What has become of you?" [asked Colm]

Jesper opened his mouth, closed it. "Da, I … I—"

"It was my fault," Wylan blurted. Every eye turned on him. "He uh … he was concerned about the bank loan, so he put his studies on hold to work with a …"

"Local gunsmith," Nina offered.

"Nina," Matthias rumbled warningly.

"He needs our help," she whispered.

"To lie to his father?"

"It's a fib. Totally different." She had no idea where Wylan was going with this, but he was clearly in need of assistance.

"Yes!" said Wylan eagerly. "A gunsmith! And then I … I told him about a deal—"

"They were swindled," Kaz said. His voice cold and steady as ever, but he held himself swiffly, as if walking over uncertain ground. "They were offered a business opportunity that seemed too good to be true."

Colm slumped into a chair. "If it seems that way, then—"

"It probably is," said Kaz. Nina had the strangest sense that for once he was being sincere.

Notice how Kaz was quick to lie for Jesper? He normally won't do that, he won't lie unless it benefitted him. But this benefitted Jesper as well. Kaz wasn't getting much profit from lying to Colm. But Jesper was. He doesn't want Jesper to be weak, he doesn't want Jesper to lose his confidence. That would put the plan of getting Inej back at risk, but even if Inej was here, he would do the same.

Why? Because Jesper is like a brother to him. Actually, no, he is a brother to him.

#kaz brekker #kaz fucking brekker #kaz my beloved #kaz x jesper #kaz rietveld #jesper #jesper fahey #jesper my beloved #kaz #the crows #six of crows #leigh bardugo #lbardugo #soc lb #crooked kingdom #ck lb #ck spoilers #grishaverse #colm fahey

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autumncalls · 3 years

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since i have watched and rewatched shadow and bone and had some time to distance myself from the initial 'my favourite books have been adapted to screen' excitement, i can finally put into words what i liked and didn't like about it

Overall i really liked the show, but i still like the books a lot better. Obviously there will be some spoilers for the books, but not really relevant ones because the show didn't go that route

I'm gonna start with the things i didn't like, they were not bad but i just wish they didn't do it that way

- i didn't really like that they had Alina burn the maps of West Ravka and then have her entire unit go through the fold instead of just having her unit go through the fold because they were scheduled to, like in the books. Imo the burning part just makes her appear a bit selfish and naive

- one of the biggest things that bothered me was giving the Darkling a name and having him reveal his first name to alina so early. I don't get why they couldn't just have called him the Darkling. Also the name reveal at the end of book 3 had such an importance to it, i'm kinda mad it went that way in the show. I refuse to refer to him as General Kirigan

- something that was missing from the show for me was the focus on the consequences of grisha not using their powers. Alina was sickly before she started training and i just think that the entire thing is a good concept to explore, i hope they do it in the future

- speaking of Alina training, a huge part of book one was her struggling to summon and how it affected her relationship with the other grisha and also her fight training with Botkin. In the show her struggle and initial feeling of not belonging didn't really come across properly. I wanted more of her training and interaction with the other grisha

- Zoya being racist towards Alina. Zoya was a bitch in the beginning but her as half Suli being racist towards Alina? I don't buy it

- Genya not being liked by the other grisha was not there at all. I mean good for her in the show, but in the books the actions of the others towards her give weight to her initially betraying Alina. I was missing that depth to her character

- Alina not using the cut in the last episode. Obviously they couldn't do it in the show because the crows werw there, but it's such an important moment to establish her as a morally grey character and set up the ending of her character arc in ruin and rising

- spoilers for siege and storm & ruin and rising! I didn't like the portrayal of the amplifiers. Alina has to actively hide them in siege and storm and they break in ruin and rising, how is that going to work in the show?

- moving on to the crows, i liked their inclusion and plot, they were my fav part of the show, but i wish it hadn't been like that. I would have liked to see their plot revolving around stealing the De Capel from Van Eck (also would have been a perfect opportunity to have a first look at Wylan) and meeting Nina at the end, setting up the key players for the soc book plot. The thing that's bothering me about their plot mainly revolves around Inej. The main reason why Inej is still in Ketterdam in the books is because she has no means of leaving for Ravka. In the show she can't have been working for Kaz that long, she still has the peacock feather tattoo after all. She can't have that deep of a bond to Kaz yet, so i feel like she wouldn't have returned to Ketterdam with him but looked for her family in Ravka instead, because she is already there after all

- i also wish they hadn't aged up the characters. I get why they did it, but i'm sorry, the soc plot is so much funnier when you realise Kaz is only a 17 year old baby

- now Nina, i didn't like the 'secret spy for the Darkling' plot. In the books Nina was still in training during shadow and bone and i get how they couldn't do that with aging up the characters. But Zoya and Genya are important mentor figures to her. They could have at least have her be kidnapped while on a mission with Zoya, like in the books. For example when Zoya was banned from the palace due to her treatment of Alina. That would also have been a perfect opportunity to showcase Nina's language and acting skills

- what i was also missing from Nina's arc was her love for Ravka and the grisha. Her patriotism is an important part of her character after all

I know this sounds like i didn't actually like the show all that much, but i loved it a lot! I just think it could have been even better. There were a lot of things i really liked

- the casting. It's perfect, especially the crows. I also really loved that the og trilogy got more diverse characters. While six of crows and king of scars was way better with the diversity, the og trilogy really didn't have any

- the portrayal of Kaz and Inej / Kanej. I feel like we all had just one major rule, no Kanej touching and they delivered. Obviously non book readers won't get why it's such a big deal that they can't even touch without the insight into their thoughts, but i am really happy about their portrayal

- the Nina and Matthias scenes. They were almost all word for word lifted from the books, i loved them a lot

- six of crows / crooked kingdom spoiler in this one! I liked the little hints we got of Jesper being a fabricator! I don't think every none book reader picked up on that (i know my parents didn't), but it was well done

- i loved that we got to see the creation of the fold. That was a nice little world building touch

- Mal. Now i always loved Mal in the books, but show Mal is arguably better

- also appreciated that they didn't develop the Malina romance overly excessive in season 1, that always bothered me a bit in the books

- Jesper apparently knowing about Kaz's past with Pekka. Like good for show Kaz that he trusts Jesper enough to tell him about it

- Alina kidnapping herself. That was funny shit

- the Kanej scene where Inej is just like 'why does Helen get the Crow Club' and Kaz just straight up leaves, so on brand

- Alina giving Inej her dagger. We know from soc that Inej has a dagger named for Santa Alina, but her actually getting it from Alina makes it even more special

- Ivan and Fedjor. I don't think they were together in the books? But i liked their relationship

Bonus: Milo. This blog firmly believes in Milo supremacy

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix #six of crows #saskia talks

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youremyonlyhope · 3 years

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Thoughts on the Six of Crows Duology

Maybe it’s because this took place over a much shorter timespan than Shadow and Bone, but I feel like I could pinpoint all the plot points and the timelines of Shadow and Bone better than I can for Six of Crows. When I made my post about SaB, it was easier to remember the order that everything happened. I think that because SoC has multiple chapters covering the same period time from different characters’ perspectives along with lots of flashbacks thrown in, that it’s causing the order of events to be a jumble in my mind.

But anyway, Six of Crows was a dramatic and fun (well... not fun..) heist novel, while Crooked Kingdom made it its personal mission to destroy me emotionally. I loved every second of it but I don’t know when I’ll properly recover.

Obvious spoilers for Six of Crows trilogy, but also the Grishaverse in general. (Most of this was written at the end of June but not posted until now)

So I guess I’ll start with Six of Crows. Maybe I’ll do a paragraph for each part... I’ll probably give up on that pretty quickly but we’ll see.

I love that the series has Inej’s POV be the first of the Crows that we get and then she also gets to be the last POV of the Crows too. If I hadn’t seen season 1 of Shadow and Bone first, I’m not sure how I’d have reacted to Kaz’s ruthlessness or the world of Ketterdam in general. I also knew that the Kanej relationship would be insane amounts of pining and the pain of requited-but-thought-to-be-unrequited love, so I was sort of shocked that in one of the first chapters Kaz changes clothes with Inej in the room and she ponders “Am I the only one he lets get this close?” And he says in that same chapter “my darling Inej, treasure of my heart...” I was like, I know he’s probably teasing but oh my god... we’re just going right into it. Leigh’s teasing us already. I knew then it would be torture. Moving on. Matthais killing a wolf hurt my soul and I wasn’t even aware that the wolves were THAT sacred to Fjerdans. And I guess maybe I shouldn’t have watched the show first since Matthais trying to choke Nina did not shock me.

I give up on this one paragraph per part thing already.

Something I did not expect was Jesper sort of having a crush on Kaz too. Did I just not notice that in the show or did they decide to leave that out? I guess I shouldn’t be shocked but still, reading about Jesper’s little tiny thoughts of jealousy was interesting. Inez’s thoughts of how much she hated that her heart’s arrow seemed to aim for Kaz when nothing can ever come of it hurt me. AHHH and idiot Kaz saying “I always come back for my investments” to Inej when he’s carrying her just.. this idiot. Did he ever even say “I’m sorry” at some point in the books? I can’t remember, it’s a blur of emotions. Kaz, sweetheart, you’re CARRYING Inej, you can barely stand having someone touch your sleeve and you’re CARRYING her. How could Inej even question that he cared about her more than just being another investment if he carried her to safety? How could you question it if he feels comfortable enough to undress around you? The boy’s dumb, listen to his actions not the stupid words he says.

It’s funny, while double checking how many more Grisha books remained as I walked to my bookstore a few days ago to pick up Nikolai’s books, I saw on Leigh’s website that she has another book called The Ninth House. And it said “While the books of the Grishaverse can be safely explored by readers of any age, Ninth House is darker, more graphic, and intended for adults.”

...

Ok Leigh. Tell me in what world would the scene where Kaz stabs and pulls out the eye of Oomen then throws him overboard be considered a scene that can be “safely explored by readers of any age”?? That was a lot. I wasn’t expecting that level of personal violence this early. I was just as horrified as Wylan and Matthais were when they witnessed it.

Anyway. Nina wishing for one more day of Healer training back in the Little Palace hurt. Looking back through the book just now I laughed at Nina saying to Jesper, of all people, “Do you know how to find a Grisha who doesn’t want to be found?” I have so many thoughts about Jesper that I will have to save for later. And Matthais’ “I might have loved you too.” felt like a stab to my heart. Honestly I know I said earlier that Crooked Kingdom ruined me, but I guess SoC did too and I just forgot about it all until just now because Crooked Kingdom turned it up to another level.

The friendships they all have. I almost wish they never needed to leave that boat. Nina and Inej were adorable when Nina sang for her. Jasper and Inej bonding over questioning why they still follow (and love) Kaz while also knowing neither of them ever want to stop was amazing. Throw in Kaz thinking “Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days” about Inej and it’s just a recipe for making Hope emotional.

People had told me the Nina and Matthais scenes of SaB season 1 were pulled straight from Six of Crow’s flashbacks, and they were not lying. A few differences here and there but it’s pretty accurate. I think the show’s pacing for those scenes was off though, sometimes it felt rushed and other times it felt too drawn out (especially since I had no clue how these two would fit into everything because I hadn’t read the books yet). Reading the scenes made me appreciate what they’d been through much more. And I do like how the show adapted the reason that Nina turned Matthais in as a slaver.

Slowly having Kaz and Jordie’s backstory unfold was traumatizing. I had wondered what made him so touch averse, and now I get it. What Kaz went through was terrible. I could barely read the words because it was so painful. Inej being so understanding while not knowing everything that happened, just knowing that Kaz needs her to not judge him for fainting or recoiling from touch, was beautiful.

The reveal that Jesper was a Grisha was sort of spoiled for me because 1) in the show one of the Heartrenders said “What are you? You’re a-” to him so that was a big hint. And 2) a YouTube comment I saw confirmed that that line referenced that he was Grisha. This is a trend, YouTube comments have spoiled me multiple times over the last 2 months. You’d think I’d learn, but nope, I just got spoiled for Rule of Wolves not even an hour ago because of a YouTube comment. I thought I was finally safe to watch SoC videos since I wouldn’t be spoiled. I forgot that people can discuss the other books too. Anyway, Jesper being a Fabrikator is a dream come true since that’d be my ideal Grisha power. Even though I knew it was coming, I still was sort of surprised by the way it was revealed, so I’m sure that it came as a shock to readers who avoid spoilers, unlike me.

The entire heist in the Ice Court caused me constant anxiety. How in the world could everything go so wrong in so many different ways and still work out? I felt like every single page there was some new blindside and yet the Crows (but mostly Kaz) managed to figure out a way out of it. I really didn’t think that it’d start to go wrong as early as it did with literally the first very first steps of the plan failing. Nina and Kaz searching the cells and getting caught, Inej finding out that the chimney was hot and ended up melting her shoes (I was so especially mad about the shoes being ruined). I was very surprised that Kaz was as reckless as he was to detour and find Rollins. It felt out of character, but proved how deep his hatred is if he nearly risked the entire reward just to make sure that he still has the chance to get revenge on Rollins later.

Nina and Inej pretending to be with the Menagerie was insane. Inej’s internal freak out when Heleen recognized her made me feel so scared for her, but I was 20 times more scared for Nina with Brum. Those few moments where I thought Matthais really had betrayed the Crows and sold them out to Brum made me so mad. I knew deep down it had to be a bluff to get Brum out of the way, but I was still scared it was real. God, I felt so much relief when Matthais let her out, they found Kuwei, and Kaz got them all out through the Sacred Ash.

The stealing and driving of the tank was borderline ridiculous, but I was just happy to be along for the ride. Nina using the parem though... and the pain she went through afterwards while in withdrawal. God that hurt me. I couldn’t even be remotely happy at Kaz admitting he wants Inej because I was so worried about Nina. I literally was like “Kaz shut up about your feelings, Nina’s body is literally falling apart in the other room.”

I should have seen it coming that the Van Eck deal was too good to be true, and yet I was still blindsided by the attack and the kidnapping of Inej. And then going straight into a chapter narrated by Pekka Rollins was like whiplash, but I just went with it. I didn’t really realize how strange it was to get Pekka’s POV, but I didn’t care because I saw all the remaining pages and wanted to see how they’d save Inej. Then that chapter ended and on the next page I read the words “I have a degenerative condition...” I was confused by the sudden use of first person, and realized I was at the Acknowledgements, which meant the book was done.

I looked from the last page, back to the acknowledgements, and back to the last page, then I literally said “WHAT” out loud as it hit me that the book had ended with the worst cliffhanger I think I’ve ever experienced. I legitimately tossed the book to the floor after I came to terms with the fact that book was done. I was so mad.

Onto Crooked Kingdom! Boy did I not know what I was in for. I thought I did. I knew Chapter 40 was coming but instead I got an entire book of emotional destruction.

First of all, I love maps. So I was very glad to get a detailed map of Ketterdam with streets! And actual places! I probably stared at it and studied it for 5 minutes straight before even reading the book. The more detailed a map is, the happier I am. This map made me very happy.

The biggest takeaway of the first section of Crooked Kingdom is that Inej still believes that Kaz only cares for her as an investment. Breaks my heart. But also, Kaz traumatizing a little girl in the first few chapters makes you wonder if he even deserves Inej (he does, but wow is he ruthless. He didn’t kill the kid at least I guess).

Colm. I have thoughts about Colm. He’s such a loving father. I will say more later when it’s more relevant. I loved that the rest of the Crows came to Jesper’s defense to create a lie for his dad, and that Colm adopted all of the kids. I can’t even read the word Colm without wanting to sob so I’ll stop with him for now.

I don’t know how I feel about us, as the readers, being left out of pieces of the plan. I’m not sure if this is something I love or hate about the way that Leigh writes the Crows novels. It’s fun for plot twists and usually does make sense when it’s from the POV of a character that Kaz purposefully leaves out of part of a plan, but that doesn’t always end up being the case. The Alys kidnapping was a complete blindside to me. Matthais sharing the chocolates he bought for Nina with Alys was sweet though, that he wants Nina to eat again so much that he’s ok with it just being sweets. I feel so bad that Nina can’t even eat that.

The Goedmedbridge plan with all the fake Mister Crimsons was an actual stroke of genius, if only the Shu didn’t come out of nowhere. Once again, everything going wrong yet the Crows finding their way out of it somehow. While Six of Crows felt like everything was going to plan until it wasn’t and then they were able to get back on track in a different way, Crooked Kingdom felt like constant blockages and blindsides and conflicts that came out of nowhere. The story and the plan and the plot changed so many times that it felt like I was on a roller coaster getting whiplash.

I’m scanning Part 3 and honestly, this feels like it all happened 5 minutes ago not like it was in the first half of the book. But oh my god, the line after Kaz and Inej stakeout the Van Eck house. “I would come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.” Inej, my girl, how in the world do you think this boy doesn’t care about you? Oh my god... oh my god... I’d die if someone said something like that to me. Kaz, sweetheart, love, sometimes you say the stupidest things, but then other times you say the most violently romantic things I’ve ever heard.

And then Matthais saying Nina looked “Enchanting” in the Fjerdan clothing? This was just chapter after chapter of me squealing. And honestly, once again, meeting Zoya in the tavern feels like it happened in Part 5 not Part 3. I read this book so quickly that I really can’t remember the order of events until now that I’m scanning it.

I’m really glad that we got more of Wylan’s backstory and got to meet his mom. I wish he could have been better prepared for that, but there was no way. Hearing about Matthais’ wolf Trassel was the perfect thing to start breaking my heart. I said this last time with Hershaw and Oncat, I’m more sad when a pet is left behind by their dead/missing owner than when the pet themselves die. I nearly sobbed when Matthais thought about how Trassel must have been abandoned by the other Druseklle when he disappeared.

Matthais, Jesper, and Kuwei half-theorizing an antidote for parem was amazing. Also I love that Matthais is the one who kind of guesses that Jesper’s restlessness is the effect from him not using his power regularly. Matthais, you really had a knack for understanding the Grisha.

Ok. Here we go. Jesper’s backstory. When I found out that Jesper was half Kaelish and half Zemeni, I was beyond overjoyed. I am half Black half Irish, with the same parentage as Jesper, so that representation made me happy. I didn’t expect to shed tears though when we finally got his backstory and to get to know his parents a little. The love that his mom and dad had for each other was absolutely beautiful. The fact that Aditi died while trying to save a little girl hurt me so much. Jesper wondered if he had been older and more trained would he have saved her, but honestly, he probably would have just put the poison in himself and died instead. Colm saying “She was a queen, Jes. She was our queen” tore out my heart. The way that Jesper and Colm had to look after each other after that. Jesper trying to cook and burning the food but Colm still eating every bit. Them just having to try to be ok after losing her, and Jesper knowing he wasn’t meant for this life on the farm. All of it continued to tear my heart straight out of my chest and stomp on it.

Guys I’m legitimately tearing up all over again. I had to fight to not be a mess reading it the first time and I still shed some tears over it. This is why I can’t even type Colm’s name without letting out a sob. He loves his son and his wife so much. He always wanted what was best and was constantly worried for them because they’re Grisha. They’re Zowa. I couldn’t handle Jesper’s backstory. And every single interaction Colm and Jesper had after I read what they went through, I’d let out a sob or even shed a tear. I loved their relationship and the love they have for each other so much.

Everything going wrong in a billion different ways at once honestly made me go “Come on not AGAIN.” Dunyasha coming out of nowhere, Pekka Rollins sabotaging Kaz, the other Lions ambushing the Black Veil. It was honestly a miracle that they all got out of it. I was especially, ESPECIALLY, proud of Matthais coaching Kuwei and Jesper on how to use their powers to get them out of the situation. This boy went from killing Grisha, to helping lead them. This character development is amazing. And he’s still internally fighting the part of him that says “Unnatural” and is making the choice to ignore the hate that was trained into him. I love him.

Nina’s zombies though. At first I was like “Oh haha she can control bones, that’s fun” when she blew up the tavern windows, but that turned morbid, literally morbid, very quickly. Animating corpses. I mean. It’s a great power to have honestly. Disgusting and horrifying, but very useful.

“What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?” “Who the hell is Jordie?” When I say I gasped and my jaw dropped at that part... Literally, I couldn’t move past that line for at least 30 seconds. I just stared at the page and reread those two lines over and over again because I could not believe Kaz really slipped up like that. But also, oh my god, the implications of how much Kaz cares about Jesper if he’s mixing him up subconsciously with his brother, the brother who literally is the reason he has fought to become the feared gang leader he is and to bring down Rollins. He called Jesper Jordie. I still cannot believe it. And the way Kaz’s face looked frightened... I’m so excited to see this scene in the TV show.

Ok, home stretch.

Jesper and Colm finally clearing the air was yet another scene that made me shed tears over these two. The way that we found out that Colm didn’t want Jesper to go to be trained but gave him the choice anyway, and that Jesper didn’t go because he didn’t want to leave his father behind. God, my heart would have just broken if he’d left Colm behind. Oh no I’m going to start crying again. “His heart hurt. His head hurt. Guilt and love and resentment were all tangled up inside him, and every time he tried to unravel the knot in his gut, it got worse.” I felt that. I hate that after all of that, the conversation didn’t even get to get to end on good terms. Colm still doesn’t want him to use his power because of what happened to his mother, and Jasper says “I’m dying anyway, Da. I’m just doing it slow.” and it absolutely destroyed me. It’s like they put my heart back in my chest, only to rip it out again and shred it this time.

And then of course that led to Jesper kissing Kuwei instead of Wylan, which brings up some messy dubious consent stuff. I thought it was a little out of nowhere, but then I remembered the Kuwei did complain earlier “Why do you keep looking at him? I look just like him. You can look at me.” At that time, that complaint seemed strange, but it made sense when this kiss happened that Kuwei liked Jesper too.

But who even cares about Jesper and Wylan and Kuwei having some sort of love triangle, when the bathroom scene is coming up for Inej and Kaz. I don’t mean to push Jesper and Wylan’s relationship woes to the side, but oh my god. I swear, I was holding my breath while reading this bathroom scene. I felt like I was personally interrupting their moment every second that I was reading it, but also I needed to keep reading to see what would happen. Every touch was as nerve-wracking for me as it was for Kaz (ok maybe not, but still). And after all of that, after Kaz tells her the horrible things he did to the people who were in on Rollins’ plot that killed Jordie, she still sees the good in him. I cannot handle these two. Oh my god. These two are on a completely different level of pining. “If you ever cared about me at all, don’t follow.” Poor Inej, having to go from that intimate moment to watching Kaz be beaten and somehow win a fight with 20 people.

Sturmhond showing up made my life. The moment I read the words “fox-faced man” my whole body perked up. I was like “Hope. Don’t get too excited. Yes it’s probably him, but don’t get excited.” but when Kaz recognized him I actually squealed at the confirmation. Nikolai owns my heart. And so does Jesper now. So the little bit of dialogue those two shared made me actually kick my feet with joy. “Take me with you.” Honestly, these two together for a period of time longer than 1 minute would probably make the world explode. But oh, what I’d give for a Jesper and Nikolai buddy comedy...

When Leigh let us believe that everything was going wrong in the plan (Wylan telling Van Eck everything, the fake Council of Tides crashing the auction, Inez saying Kuwei has to die) only for us to find out that it was all really a part of the plan was just plain cruel. I was so upset. I guess it’s fitting, after all the things that really went wrong for them, they had to take a little bit more. But this is one of the few times that we the reader are completely left out of the plan, and it’s not just because we’re following the POV of someone who was left out of whatever specific part of the plan didn’t involve them. This time all the characters knew, but Leigh didn’t tell the reader.

The way that Van Eck’s story and lies all just fell apart bit by bit was beautiful, though. Masterful. Kaz pretending to take Rollins’ son was almost cruel, but he was lying, so it’s ok. I was going to be horrified if he really did it though, but I was also thinking “When would he have had time to do all that anyway?”

Chapter 38. I had been spoiled before even starting the books that Matthais would die. And I had seen a YouTube comment that said “I can’t wait to see Nina and Matthais’ actors do Chapter 40.” I assumed his death happens in Chapter 40. So when I started Chapter 38, I assumed this would be the last time I’d read a chapter in Matthais’ POV. I was wrong of course.

But Matthais’ death gave me nearly the same feelings that Owen Harper’s first death in Torchwood did. It came out of nowhere, right when you think everything is solved and all that’s left to do is go home. Our beloved character talks calmly to the person with the gun, relates to them, tells them they’re more reasonable than to shoot, and then gets shot point blank anyway out of nowhere. “You don’t want to hurt me. I know. I was like you once.” is what Matthais said. “We’re both rational men, scientists. I know you don’t want to shoot her.” is what Owen said as he protected Martha. The main difference is that I wasn’t spoiled for Owen’s death, so it really blindsided me, but he also got revived shortly after. I was spoiled for Matthais’ death right down to the chapter it happens in, but his death was finite.

And then I think we’re about to lose Kuwei, but Zoya’s able to save him. Matthais shows up, gives us a little hope that he might be ok (but I knew he wouldn’t), and dies in Nina’s arms. Nina attempting to resurrect him ALSO gave me Owen vibes, right down to the black eyes, but that resurrection didn’t stick. God. If I had known Matthais’ death would be so similar to Owen’s... no, I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t tell if I’d have been better off knowing how much it would remind me of Owen ahead of time. Maybe it’s better I didn’t know of the similarities since that made the death worse, despite me knowing it was coming.

Chapter 40 still being in Matthais’ POV, right when I had come to terms ahead of time that Chapter 38 would be the last time I read his narration, came as a real shock. He’s with the wolves in heaven. Ahhhhh. Help. The friends not even knowing how he died makes it even worse.

“We were all supposed to make it.” That’s when I started to let tears fall. I’d really been fighting it. I was like “Hope. You knew this was coming when you started this series. You are fine. You’re fine.” and then Wylan says that and I’m like “I’m not remotely fine.” And Colm telling them to say their goodbyes, and Colm being himself and making me cry with every other line he said anyway, just made more tears fall as they walked up and said goodbye.

I’m glad Nina got Matthais’ share of the money. It breaks my heart that she now has to go and bury him. I’m excited to see what she does in King of Scars or Rule of Wolves (or both, I know she’s in at least one of them) since she’ll hopefully keep up Matthais’ dream of helping the Fjerdans accept Grisha. I was beyond proud of Jesper to be like “I shouldn’t hold that much money right now” and Kaz saying “That’s the right move, Jes” in approval. And of course, Colm and Jesper saying goodbye did nothing but make me cry MORE.

And here we go. The chapter that made me actually cry. Before this, it was just shedding tears and choking a sob or two. Inej’s final chapter made me actually sob and cry so hard that I could barely read the pages through the tears. Kaz really bought her a boat and named it after her. “I don’t know what to say.” “Say you’ll return.” just tear my heart out please.

But what really got the waterworks going was Kaz having Nikolai find Inej’s parents for her. God. The last time a book made me happy cry was The Color Purple, and it was a similar situation. Celie’s sister Nettie returns to her, and I had to fight not to cry when I finished that book while on the train. When I saw the musical version on broadway a few months later, I sobbed so hard with happiness that I cried through the finale, through the curtain call, and kept crying as I walked up the aisle and out the theater. I couldn’t handle how happy I was.

Inej being reuinited with her parents was Celie and Nettie all over again. Now that is some HIGH praise. The Color Purple is one of my favorite books. I cannot give any higher praise to Crooked Kingdom than to compare Inej’s reunion to Celie’s.

And Kaz being a little concerned that he’d overstepped by doing it, then Inej insisting he come to meet them too was adorable. “Is my tie straight?” And her mom’s shock at finally seeing her daughter again, oh my god. I read this in bed last night at 3am. When that chapter finished, I put the book on my chest and just lied there and sobbed for a full minute. I couldn’t stop right away like I managed to do for the other cries. This cry had to come out and it had to take at least a little bit of time to run its course.

Of course, I’m glad that Inej got to ensure that Rollins never returns to Ketterdam, and I get that having Pekka have the last chapter is a parallel to Six of Crows, but I almost wish the book had just ended when Inej found her family.

I am at 4600 words and still not done, but it’s 2am so I’ll add more thoughts tomorrow evening.

...

That was all from late June. Fast forward almost a month, I’m finally adding to this post.

Something I was worried about when I first started reading Six of Crows was that there was colorism when casting Jesper. Reading that he was described as dark skinned and then looking at Kit Young, I felt a little bit... iffy about it. Because I know, as a mixed person, we get a lot of privilege in Hollywood and are often the only Black people in tv-shows and movies. We benefit from colorism, especially when it comes to mixed women, since light to medium skinned Black actors are often cast instead of dark skinned actors. I spent most of Six of Crows worried that they’d taken the Zemeni character of Jesper, who also happens to be the only Black character, and casted him with a mixed actor. I could tell while reading the book that Kit had played Jesper perfectly, which made me feel a little better, but I still had a bit of discomfort. I was worried it was Rue in the Hunger Games all over again.

However, once it’s hinted that Jesper’s father has some Kaelish heritage, and then we later meet Colm and he’s fully Kaelish with light skin and red hair, I felt much better. I actually felt overjoyed because Jesper was mixed exactly like me. I was relieved that casting Jesper with a mixed actor was not colorism, but a requirement for his character in order to be accurate. I was so relieved and also now I fiercely clung to Jesper as another example of representation for me. On that note, maybe they could have casted him with a darker skinned mixed actor, someone like Alfred Enoch for example, just to give dark skinned mixed people some more representation since Jesper is described as dark and Kit’s skintone is medium. But then again, Kit was definitely the perfect choice since he completely captured Jesper’s character and he said he really identified with Jesper’s mixed heritage being like his own. Basically, I’m very happy that Jesper is a mixed character played by a mixed race actor, and not another example of pure colorism in Hollywood (though that’s still a major issue). I really can’t even complain. I love Jesper and I love Kit’s portrayal.

Honestly, the casting in general for the show was really perfect. I might be biased since I saw the show first, but reading the book I was shocked at how perfectly cast they all were.

I am concerned though about Wylan. He is going to be very hard to cast. Or more accurately, Kuwei’s actor will be tough to cast and will have a very difficult job portraying 2 characters at once. And then I guess whoever gets cast as normal Wylan will have to just deal with barely appearing in Crooked Kingdom. Also, as for Wylan changing race to be disguised as Kuwei... I had some mixed feelings about it at first. I really was like “Leigh... what are you doing with this... be careful...” But then Wylan’s narrative showed him being unsure how to navigate the world looking like he’s Shu, having people come up to him speaking a language he doesn’t speak, and being treated differently because he looks foreign to them, especially since the Shu who were in Ketterdam didn’t have the best intentions. I appreciated that. I like that it opened Wylan’s eyes a bit more because he’d been so sheltered his whole life. Even after living in the Barrel and joining the Crows, there were still things he needed to be exposed to, like racism. So I’m glad the story went in that direction with his tailored face. I’m honestly more excited to see who is cast as Kuwei than who is cast as Wylan because Kuwei’s actor is going to have the more interesting performance.

I REALLY enjoyed the Six of Crows duology. I sped through the two books in about 3 weeks (I think I read Crooked Kingdom in probably only a week). Honestly, I’m not speeding through King of Scars that same way. It’s a combination of my work life being very chaotic for the last few weeks, and me being so devastated that Nikolai’s back to having the shadow monster that I almost don’t want to read on. I was beyond devastated when that happened in Ruin and Rising, I thought he’d never be ok again, then I was relieved when it went away. Now that it’s back... I’m just incredibly sad every second that I read this book. I’m nearly halfway through the book though, after the same amount of time it took me to read both Crows books, so we’ll see where it goes.

But I could not put the Crows books down while I read them if you paid me. Literally. I read during every single lunch break at work and was probably a few minutes late coming back because I’d want to finish the page. I stayed up late reading and reading and reading the books. I read on the ferry, I read in the car, I read during times that I’d usually spend watching TV shows or movies. These books were amazing. They destroyed me emotionally, in both happy and sad ways. I can’t get over them. I can’t wait to see them brought to life in the show.

#six of crows #crooked kingdom #grishaverse #shadow and bone #help this post is literally 5800 words i couldn't stop writing #posting now before it sits in my drafts for another 3 weeks

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emjenenla · 7 years

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If You’re Gone, Maybe it’s Time to Come Home [SoC Fanfic]

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Title: If You’re Gone, Maybe it’s Time To Come Home

Author: Emjen Enla (Fanfiction)/emjen_enla (Wattpad)/emjenenla (Tumblr)

Teaser: (There’s an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move) Or Kaz goes into a downward spiral after Crooked Kingdom.

Rating: PG-13/T

Canon/Timeline: Mainstream, post-Crooked Kingdom

Dominant Characters: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, appearances of various other characters, a couple relatively minor OCs

Pairings: Kanej (Kaz/Inej), perhaps one OC/OC if you squint (and/or can read my mind)

Warnings: depression, panic attacks, anxiety, some drinking, Kaz being Kaz, Ketterdam being Ketterdam

Notes:

-I think the time has come for us all to admit that I’m not going to be posting as much as I once did. I’ve been really busy in the last year with school and work and my own original work. I’m not saying that I’m completely done with fanfiction, but updates might be pretty slow from now on.

-I did not intend for this to be a multi-part fic, but I was working on it tonight and realized that the part I have written (which I think it roughly half) was already over eight thousand words. I figured that I may as well release it in parts to make it a bit more manageable. I’m hoping this will be a two-part fic, but it might get up to three. Hopefully I’ll be done before I go back to college at the end of August, but I’m honestly not sure what will happen.

-I read the Six of Crows Duology over Christmas break and it (mostly Kaz, let’s be honest) has stuck with me ever since. This story is mostly inspired by the fact that I’m honestly really worried about Kaz now that his only real reason for living (revenge on Pekka Rollins) is gone.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Six of Crows or the song “If You’re Gone” by Matchbox 20.

Part One

(1)

After they beat Van Eck and Pekka Rollins, everything and nothing changes.

Kaz is now king of the Barrel. Of course, the rest of the gangs haven’t figured that out yet. Everyone is expecting Rollins to eventually dig his way out of the hole he’d fallen into. The rumor of him on his knees at Kaz’s feet is spreading through the Barrel like wildfire, but Rollins has been in power for so long that no can fathom the idea that his time as ruler might be over. However, Kaz knows that it’s only a matter of time before that minor annoyance is rectified.

He also has four million kruge slowly siphoning into his accounts. Between that and the shares of the Crow Club and Fifth Harbor that he bought off Haskell, he figures he’s easily the richest person in the Barrel and probably comfortably in the top fifty richest people in Ketterdam. Not bad for a person who was flat broke two weeks before.

Still he makes the rest of the people involved in the Ice Court job keep the payoff quiet. It won’t do any of them any good for people to realize just how much kruge they’re each rolling in. Kaz has built his life around stealing from the ridiculously wealthy and he’d rather not become one of those pigeons for some other angry upstart.

He should be ecstatic, even with the Council of Tides still breathing down his neck, but he’s not. Firstly, Inej is leaving. He’s not surprised, though, and he’s not going to try to stop her. He understands why she needs to go, he just…wishes she wouldn’t.

Inej and her parents stay for a few days so Inej can show them around Ketterdam. She’s always with them so Kaz tries to say out of their way. Being around Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa makes him nervous. He’s not positive, but he’s pretty sure that Inej’s parents know exactly how he feels about her. (He shouldn’t be surprised, nothing says “I’m completely and totally, illogically in love with your daughter” like “I bought her a ship so she can go fulfil her purpose in life.”) That transparency makes him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. He’s not ashamed of what he is, but he knows that he’s not the kind of boy that the Ghafas want their daughter to end up with.

(Will he and Inej end up together? He’s not even sure.)

He tries to tell himself that Inej is the only thing bothering him, but if he’s truly honest with himself Matthias is weighing heavily on his mind as well.

Though it’s a truth he’ll take it to his grave, he was not completely surprised by Matthias’ death. He’d planned hundreds of possible scenarios for the auction scheme and he’d known that the chances that at least one of them wouldn’t make it out were much higher than he would have liked. He’d also known that after Kuwei, he and Matthias had the worse odds of them all. If something went wrong, the rest of the gang had a chance of being able to vanish underground and wait things out. He and Matthias would be forever chased by the powerful people who wanted them dead.

Still, he hadn’t mentioned any of that to Matthias. He’d told himself that he didn’t want to risk Matthias backing out, but he’d known that Matthias would never back out while Nina was still in danger. There had been no excuse. Perhaps telling Matthias about the dangers would have saved his life, perhaps it wouldn’t have (they still aren’t sure what had happened, though Kaz has his theories). Either way, the idea of Matthias going to his death knowing it was a possibility seems like it would make things a little better.

Kaz has lost crewmembers before, but somehow Matthias weighs on him heavier than all those others. The night of the auction, after he left Van Eck’s—Wylan’s—house, he returned to the Slat. He made a mug of the herbal tea Inej keeps around and makes after big jobs when he feels like crud because of shear exhaustion. He couldn’t get it to taste right so he corrupted it with a double dose of a painkilling tonic and couple shots of whiskey because why not. Then he downed the whole vile-tasting thing in a couple gulps. His stomach was empty so the concoction hit him hard and knocked him out in a matter of minutes. He slept until late the next morning and expected to wake up feeling more like his normal self, but he didn’t.

He hadn’t felt quite right since then either, but it would be okay. He’d had low times before and he always snapped out of them.

It would be okay.

(2)

Inej leaves long, long before he’s ready. The night before the Wraith is due to leave, she shows up at the Slat and they spend a night wandering the city, just like they did before the Ice Court. Kaz leaves his gloves off and tries not to flinch when people come to close. Inej pretends not to notice when he fails.

“So how exactly are you planning to catch these slavers?” he asks while they’re walking down an empty street even though they’ve already talked about this a number of times.

“Well, first I’m taking my parents back to Ravka,” Inej says. “I want to see the rest of my family again, plus they’ll need a ride back. While I’m there I might try to add to the crew. Papa says that I have a couple cousins who might be interested in signing on and there are a lot of purposeless Grisha in Ravka now. After that, I start looking for slavers.”

“And how are you going to find them?” he asks.

“Well, I know there’s a slaver hideout somewhere between here and Ravka,” she says. “I don’t have the crew or experience to take it now, but knowing where it is will help me to intercept individual ships.”

He nods and they’re quiet for a couple more minutes while he considers if he really wants to do this.

“I’ve thought about what you said about me helping you catch slavers,” he says after what feels like an age.

“Really?” she looks at him. Her expression is passably neutral, but he knows her well enough to see the tension.

“I’ll help you,” he says before he loses his nerve.

A huge grin spreads across Inej’s face. She moves like she’s going to hug him and he leaps out of the way, wrenching his bad leg. The smile fades as she realizes what just happened. Her arms drop back to her side and her lips press together. “Thank you very much,” she says formally.

The mood never quite recovers from that.

(3)

More people show up to see the Wraith off than Kaz anticipated. He hadn’t realized Inej had integrated herself so well into the Dregs. Even people like Beatle and Swann who had tried to literally beat Kaz’s brains out a few weeks before are there. A small group of people crowd the dock as Inej and her crew off.

Kaz leaves his gloves on. The crowd isn’t big by Ketterdam standards, but the dock is narrow enough that people bump and brush up against each other. He knows that if he tried to go barehanded he’d probably end up having one of his episodes like the one in the prison cart. (He knows what the proper name for those is, but he feels less pathetic and weak when he doesn’t think of them by that name.)

He waits until everyone else has finished saying goodbye to Inej before he approaches her. They stand there, staring at each other, neither knowing what to say, how they should part.

“Remember to write,” Inej says. Perhaps that sounds sweet to someone who doesn’t know that they ended last night by coming up with a plan on how he can get letters to her and an overly complicated code so he can send her information without blowing his involvement. There’s nothing romantic about her telling him to write; it’s just business.

He wishes it wasn’t. He wishes he could tell her he loves her. He wishes he could throw his arms around and hold her until she agrees to stay here with him. He wishes he could kiss her just so he could know what it’s like.

Instead he nods stoically, showing no hint of any of his desires. “I will,” he says and the promise is too audible in his voice so he goes on with something cutting, “And try not to get killed. It would be a waste of perfectly good kruge I spend on that ship.”

Her expression is somewhere between fond and disappointed. When she speaks again, her voice has dropped to a near whisper. “Kaz, about last night-”

He does not want to talk about this ever, let alone in front of all these people. “Wraith-”

“Kaz,” she cuts in her voice rising slightly, but when she next speaks her voice is quiet again. “Don’t give up hope, okay? Just keep trying. It’ll get better.” Then she reaches out, takes his gloved hand and squeezes.

He doesn’t know how to respond to that, but he finds himself nodding stiffly and squeezing her hand back. They stand like that for a couple seconds. He can feel the gazes of the other people burning into him. He’s uncomfortably aware that for most of these people this is probably the first time they’ve seen him touch someone in a way that isn’t violent.

He pulls away first and steps back to put a little more space between them. “No mourners,” he says because he doesn’t know how to put words to what he actually wants to say.

“No funerals,” she says. “Take care of yourself, Kaz.”

When he doesn’t respond right away she turns away and heads up the ramp onto the Wraith, leaving him in Ketterdam all alone.

“You too,” he says too quietly for anyone else to hear.

(4)

The next few weeks are busy ones. Kaz consolidates his control of the Dregs and begins to use his inside knowledge of the falsity of the plague to encroach on the territories of other gangs (namely Rollins’). He begins searching for more spiders after it becomes obvious that Roeder won’t be able to fill Inej’s shoes on his own. He quietly starts tracking down slavers and their compatriots.

He’s very busy. Given that, if he’s eating and sleeping less than he should, that’s okay. If he’s drinking more coffee and whiskey than he probably should, that’s okay too. He’s a general now, not a lieutenant, he has more responsibilities than he did before (never mind that he was practically running the Dregs before the Ice Court job).

He’s not trying to ignore his stubbornly lingering guilt about Matthias. He’s definitely not trying to distract himself from the gaping hole in his heart and by his side where Inej is supposed to be. He’s fine. Just fine, thank you very much. There’s absolutely nothing wrong.

Nothing.

(5)

A month after the auction, Kaz pulls his first job as leader of the Dregs. There shouldn’t be much difference between this and any other job he’s ever done. After all, after the Ice Court and everything that happened afterwards, Kaz is pretty sure every job he’ll ever do should seem easy.

Still, no one knows about the Ice Court, and it doesn’t look like anyone ever will. This is his first job as leader of the Dregs and all the gang members in Ketterdam will be watching and waiting to see if he chokes.

That shouldn’t bother him—if anything it should make him more confident—but it does.

The job is a raid on a particularly rich mercher’s private jewel collection. It’s a job that requires a fairly small number of members (himself, Anika, Pim, Roeder and Mina, the thirteen-year-old Grisha Heartrender he’s letting try for a position as a spider). The job also doubles as a chance to look through the mercher’s records to see if the vague rumors Kaz has been hearing about the man being involved in the slave trade are accurate.

The break-in goes off without a hitch. The mercher and his family are still waiting out the “plague” in a summer home and it looks like the servants have taken this as an opportunity to take a paid vacation. Once inside, he leaves the others in the showroom to bag the jewels while he goes upstairs under the pretense of doing some reconnaissance. In reality, he picks the lock on the mercher’s office door and goes through the man’s papers.

It takes him four and a half minutes to find the information he’s looking for. Yes, the man’s involved in the slave trade. Yes, he knows when the next shipment’s coming in. There aren’t any routes in the information, but there are locations of launches and when they’re supposed to come in. That information will be a start for Inej. It takes him three minutes to memorize the information, then he puts the office back the way he found it, locks the door again and gets back to the showroom before the others have time to start wondering what was taking him so long.

The rest of the job goes off without a hitch. They’re back in the Slat within a few hours a couple thousand kruge richer. As soon as he’s sure everything’s settled and the jewels are locked up in the big safe that only he knows the combination to, Kaz retreats to his upstairs rooms (he’s taken over Per Haskell’s office, but his private rooms are something else entirely). He lights a candle, gets out a sheet of paper and starts his first coded letter to Inej.

He takes all his self-control to focus on the business and not say anything pointless about how much he misses her.

(6)

He doesn’t get a return letter from Inej for almost a month and when one does come it’s a list of the ships they’d raided (mostly ones from that first list he’d sent her) and people rescued. Perhaps Kaz feels a little pride at knowing his information was put to good use, but mostly he wishes she’d have said something, anything about herself and how she was.

He forces those thoughts out of his head with a couple shots of whiskey, then sits down and writes her another completely impersonal letter about the new information he has for her.

(7)

Almost three months after Inej left, Kaz dreams that he’s in the harbor again, swimming for his life. Not that unusual an occurrence, especially now. He would have thought that his nightmares would have gotten better after he got his revenge on Pekka Rollins, but if anything, they’ve gotten worse.

Still none of that matters in this moment. He struggles to keep hold of the corpse under his arms and struggles to keep kicking towards the lights of Ketterdam which never seem to get any closer. His breaths burn in his throat, his teeth chatter from the cold, his chest is tight with fear.

A wave washes over his head. He almost loses his grip on the corpse but manages to pull himself back onto it at the last moment. He blinks saltwater out of his eyes, harsh breaths that are just a little like sobs ripping out of his body.

Then he looks down and realizes the corpse he’s clinging to isn’t Jordie’s but Inej’s.

He jolts back to reality in his bed in the Slat, blankets twisted around his legs, sweat soaking through his shirt and sticking it to his chest and back. He takes two heaving breaths before he turns and vomits over the side of the bed onto the floor.

When he’s done he collapses onto his side and twists his bare hands into the sheets. He’s been trying not to wear the gloves as much so he can surprise Inej if she comes back (when she comes back, Kaz tells himself, when), but now he wishes he was wearing them. He’s sure that if he was just wearing the gloves he could deal with this, but they’re lying on his desk in the other room and he’s shaking too hard to make it in there to get them.

He curls up in a ball, biting the insides of his cheeks so hard he tastes blood. He stares at the opposite wall until his vision starts to tunnel. Images both from his memory and from the dream play over and over in his head. He can’t stop shaking.

He lies there, almost too afraid to blink as the night drags by and sunlight starts to slowly creep into the room.

The sun is quite high by the time he’s able to get up and go retrieve his gloves.

(8)

Inej comes back to Ketterdam two weeks later. Kaz meets her on the dock under the pretense of having just been passing by. He can tell she doesn’t believe him, but he finds that he doesn’t really care. He’s just happy to be near her again. Her quiet, steady presence relaxes and completes him. He feels more like himself than he has in months. Which is relieving, but also a little scary, mostly because he hadn’t realized he wasn’t feeling right until it stopped.

“So, you managed not to die or destroy my investment,” he says jerking his head at the Wraith.

Her smile is superficially fond, but he can see disappointment underneath it. Her eyes shift to his hands, encased in his gloves. She doesn’t say anything but he knows what she wants.

“Sorry,” he says beginning to peal the gloves off. “Forgot.” His stomach clenches into a series of knots. He’s been wearing his gloves constantly since the nightmare, because the thought of that happening again gives him cold sweats. He feels ashamed; he really wanted to be less reliant on the gloves the next time they saw each other.

He doesn’t mention any of this as he tucks his gloves into his coat, careful not to let his hands shake. Inej is studying him, with her head cocked to the side. He expects her to have noticed his nerves, but what she says is, “You look tired.”

He doesn’t know how to tell her that he’s been trying to avoid sleeping as much as possible because he’s terrified of having a nightmare about clinging to her corpse again, so he just gives her a thin smile. “Been busy.”

Now her smile is definitely fond, he feels like he’s floating. “You do know that even demons need to sleep, don’t you, Kaz?”

(9)

She leaves again long before he’s ready. Again, he wants to beg her to stay, again his bites his tongue and covers his true feelings with biting comments. Still he stands on the dock and watches until long after the Wraith has vanished over the horizon. Though he’ll never admit it, he’s hoping she’ll realize that there’s more for her here with him than out at sea.

That’s ridiculous though, Inej is nothing if not a noble person. There are a lot of people in the world who need her way more than one demon-boy in the city of Ketterdam.

By the time he heads back to Slat, a cold rain has started to fall.

(10)

Several months later, the Razorgulls start a gang war with the Dregs. People have been slowly realizing that Pekka Rollins is not coming back. That makes things more difficult for Kaz. He’s been slowly moving the Dregs into Rollins’ holdings since the plague scare. Up until this point, people have just been letting him, assuming that he’ll regret it once Rollins comes back. Now that it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, people realize that Kaz has been allowed to snag a huge amount of territory with little to no resistance.

The conflict with the Razorgulls comes down to a massive fight through the streets of the Barrel while the stadwatch stands by helpless to control the violence. Torches light up the night until it’s nearly like day as Kaz chases the Razorgulls general through the alleys near the fighting.

He comes out into a dark dead end and the general is nowhere in sight. He has half a second to wonder where he went before the man leaps on him from behind wrapping bare forearms around Kaz’s neck in a headlock.

The waters rise up before Kaz has time to breathe and he drops like a stone. Within instants the other general is on top of him, one bare hand around Kaz’s throat and the other punching him in the face. He was probably yelling, but Kaz couldn’t hear him over the ringing in his ears.

Kaz can’t breathe, he can’t think. He struggles against the weight of the body on top of him, looking for a way out. Eventually he gets his fingers around one of his hidden knives and stabs it into the other general’s stomach. The man’s grip loosens and Kaz is able to shove him off. He finishes the job, then collapses against the wall gasping.

He waits until he’s no longer shaking like a Grisha on parem before he drags the general’s body up onto a high balcony above the main body of the battle. He declares the war over and gives the Razorgulls an ultimatum: join the Dregs or die.

Unsurprisingly most of them opt to join the Dregs.

That surrender takes place a few hours before dawn but it’s still well into the afternoon by the time Kaz gets back to his rooms. He’s profoundly exhausted in a way he hasn’t been since the Ice Court and he can’t quite shake the tremors from the memory of someone else’s hands around his neck. He collapses onto his bed and loses his grip on the world.

He wakes up late the next morning by Anika pounding on his door with a list of questions, as exhausted as he was when he fell asleep.

(11)

The surrender of the Razorgulls nearly doubles the size of the Dregs. Granted, it’ll be a while before he can actually trust any of these new recruits, but the Barrel runs on strength. Kaz is confident he can win them all over given time.

One of the more interesting new members is a scrawny eleven-year-old boy. He’s newly orphaned and worked cleaning chamber pots in one of the Razorgulls’ hideouts. His name is Espen and his eyes gleam with the same cold, calculating anger Kaz sees in himself every time he looks in a mirror.

Perhaps Kaz should take Espen under his wing and attempt to put the boy back together in a way better than the way he put himself together. Perhaps he would if he was a better person. Perhaps he would if the mere thought of putting up with another person’s issues on top of his own wasn’t utterly exhausting.

So, he doesn’t try to help. Instead his foists the kid on Mina and tells her to teach him to be a spider instead.

Maybe that will be enough.

(12)

His letters to Inej are starting to get out of hand.

Not the ones he actually sends to her; those are just as impersonal as always. It’s the drafts of those letters that are starting to become problematic.

They’ve gotten long.

Kaz has always been a master of brevity when it comes to letters. He can normally fit anything he could possibly need to say to anyone into under a page. His average letter is only a couple sentences.

The drafts of his letters to Inej go on for pages and pages.

His words scrawl across the paper, rambling in ways that don’t sound like him, and to make matters worse, he’s not really talking about anything. He does talk about the Dregs and Ketterdam news sometimes, but mostly he just talks about how much he misses her and begs her to come back and stay with him.

He realizes that this is getting beyond ridiculous the night he writes almost thirty pages of a logical, step-by-step argument for why she should abandon her quest to bring justice to the slavers and return to being his spider.

He stares at the letter for a long time, a strange feeling of disgust and fear swirling inside him. He can’t possibly send something like this to Inej. Hunting slavers is her purpose, and she will keep doing it no matter what. All this letter would do is guarantee that she really will never come back.

He crumbles the letter into a ball and throws it into the fire. Then he starts another draft. He intends for this one to be a short, to-the-point passing of information, but somehow it devolves into an even longer argument. This one is about how he is a horrible, corrupt person with no hope for anything better and how Inej would really be better off if she left him behind and never looked back.

The sun has risen by the time he finishes this letter. He sits at his desk and stares blankly at the letter. He images that a normal person would probably be crying right now, but there are no tears for him. There haven’t been since that night in the harbor all those years ago. It’s like something about that night locked all his tears up somewhere inside him and threw away the key. He hasn’t been able to cry since, even as an act.

So, his eyes are dry as he looks at the letter, but his chest is tight. He has never hated himself, never felt a sliver of shame about what he is, but he feels it now. If only he wasn’t like this, maybe Inej wouldn’t have left him. Sure, she’s come back a couple times, but how long will it be before she realizes how much better off she is without him in her life and stops coming back? How long before she leaves him completely alone?

The sunlight creeps into his room. The Slat is coming awake around him. He has a million things to do. He’s the leader of the Dregs, he has everything as long as he does the things he needs to do. He knows that he needs to get moving, but he doesn’t want to. He’s empty and sad and so incredibly tired.

So, for the first time that he can remember, Kaz Brekker ignores his responsibilities, he shoves the letter aside, pillows his head on his arms and hopes things will be better when he wakes up.

They aren’t.

(13)

Kaz is tired.

He’s used to being tired—he has a tendency to ignore things like sleep when on big jobs and doesn’t sleep a normal amount even when he’s not on jobs—but normally he can just slam a couple cups of coffee and be fine. This is something different. Even with his veins seemingly swimming with coffee, he still finds himself fighting against a deep-seated exhaustion. Even sleep doesn’t seem to shake it, even though he’s sleeping more than he normally does.

He tells himself that it’s no big deal. He knows that his sleeping habits are unhealthy, and if they’re finally catching up to him, Inej would probably say it’s for the best. It’s not like he’s sleeping an insane amount, anyway. If anything, he’s probably just sleeping a normal amount now and it just seems like a lot because he’s not used to it. It will only take him some time to adjust.

Still, he is tired and it’s hard to care about any of the things that used to take up his full attention. He hasn’t destroyed the letter. He keeps it tucked carefully away in one of the drawers of his dresser, nestled among his ties and spare pairs of gloves. He takes it out and reads it sometimes, as a reminder of why he’s so lucky for the chances he’s had with Inej and why he should never expect too much.

(14)

He, Roeder, Mina and Espen are on a job. They get in easy enough, but while they’re bagging the man’s inappropriately stuffed safe, the owner of the house comes home. They all freeze in shock when they hear the front door open. Kaz had calculated that they had another hour and a half before the mercher came home from his mistress’ house. For a few blank seconds, all Kaz can think is “How was I so wrong?” then survival instincts kick in.

“Clear out,” he orders and they make for the windows.

They aren’t fast enough. Within minutes the stadwatch are on their tails. They’re crossing over the river when one of the stadwatch gets lucky and hits Roeder. The oldest spider takes a dive over the edge of the bridge and into the water. Mina skids to a stop on the bridge and stares over. “Dirtyhands!” she yells (he has never heard her call him anything else, even Brekker) “You need to do something! Espen and I are too small!”

A voice whispers that he should just let Roeder die, but he needs Roeder. Roeder is the only one of the spiders who’s obviously useful in a fight and he’s not about to lose that advantage.

“Take care of the stadwatch,” he tells Mina giving her a look he hopes she interprets it correctly. Then he thrusts his cane into Espen’s hands. “Be careful with that; it’s worth more than your life,” he says then vaults over the side of the bridge and into the water.

Kaz knows how to swim; he is honest enough about his own life to know that is a useful skill, but he doesn’t like it. The water in the river tonight is cold and the memory of the barge returns. Still he does his best to push it down and he lunges to Roeder.

He grabs the back of the spider’s shirt and pulls him into his chest. He wraps his other arm around Roeder’s chest and almost immediately has one of the biggest flashbacks he’s ever had. He is nine years old in the harbor clinging to Jordie’s body, he has little to no recognition of ever being anything else. His head goes under and the only thing that keep him from shoving Roeder’s body away is the belief that he is Jordie and the only thing keeping him drowning.

His free hand strikes something hard. He grabs on and manages to drag his head above water. His mind is whirl of panic and revulsion. He knows that he needs to get out of the water, but the panic is so much that he can’t move.

When another hand clasps around his arm, he loses himself completely and trashes, letting go of whatever he was holding onto completely in an attempt to get away. The hand doesn’t let go, actually another joins it and jerks him to a stop just as his head goes under again.

The next moment his heartrate starts to slow and the edges of his panic fade. He realizes that his head is underwater and kicks until he’s above the water again and can get a gasp of air. His vision clears and he realizes the person attached to the hands holding his arm is Mina. She’s kneeling on the pier he grabbed onto, water sticking her mouse-brown hair to her face and her gray eyes wide. She’s using her abilities to lower his heartrate.

Mina helps him pull Roeder and himself out of the river and they drag the spider onto the shore together. Immediately, Mina pulls Roeder’s shirt open and positions her hands over his chest. Kaz knows that she’ll now use her powers to draw the water out of his lungs. She’ll do it carefully so no one knows exactly what she did. It’s still dangerous to be a Grisha in Ketterdam, so Mina keeps her powers carefully under wraps. Kaz isn’t even sure if Roeder and Espen know she’s a Heartrender. She would have been careful to find a very subtle way to incapacitate the stadwatch when he ordered her to.

Kaz just wants to collapse and not move until he can breathe again, but the instant Mina starts tending to Roeder, Espen is in his face.

“What was that?” the little boy snarls with an expression that even Kaz will admit is slightly demonic. “What is wrong with you?”

“What are you talking about?” Kaz asks more to buy time than anything else. He almost winces at how wrong his voice sounds.

“You were supposed to save Roeder, not freeze and make Mina pull you out!” Espen has his face in very close to Kaz’s, so close that flecks of the boy’s spit hit Kaz’s cheeks. “What kind of general are you?”

Kaz wants to pull away and put miles of distance between himself and every other human in Ketterdam, but he forces himself to react to Espen’s taunts and closeness in the way that helped to earn him his reputation, the way that will save face.

He punches the kid in the jaw.

Espen, for all his bravado, does not know how to take a punch. The kid goes sprawling across the ground, gasping. Mina looks on in surprise. Kaz takes a fortifying breath and stands up even though his legs feel no more solid than the water he almost drowned in both tonight and all those years ago.

“You really should learn that you’re not in charge here,” he tells Espen, keeping his voice steady through sheer force of will. “You only have a place in this gang because you the good you outweighs the annoyance of putting up with you. Understand?”

Espen is staring. For once, he’s actually wearing an expression other than anger. He looks shocked and a little scared. His mouth opens and closes mutely.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Kaz snarls. “Now, what did you do with my cane?”

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