#is it so bad that i want validation?

[uncannyalien]

Artists are crazy [a long text post]

Like how are people able to make art so quickly? How are they able to crank out full line work and coloring and shading and highlights and add textures and little details and also make it look amazing and it's done so quickly??

How the hell do people make art on a daily basis? How do they have the skill or even the time to do so?

I can't draw to save my life and it takes me at least a week just to make a reference for my characters. Do you know how many times I have to redraw a single line?? And it's for every single line???

And yet I'm surrounded by amazing artists who can whip up entire comic strips, people who can fully design a character in a matter of hours, people who have a fully developed art style and you can tell their art is theirs

And I'm digital! Digital art makes things incredibly easier! How do people make physical art like it's nothing???

How is someone able to make a doodle, a simple sketch of lines, and it's better than anything I ever have, can, or will create?

Why did I get stuck with the wrong media? I love creating but why did I not get the amazing art skills? I understand its through years of practice but it's still difficult

You have to understand how a creature looks and scenery and making sure everything is proportionate and looks good, and then you BREAK THOSE RULES? And it still looks amazing??

And visual media is given so much of an advantage in our society. It's true when someone says a picture paints a thousand words, bc you can still feel intense emotions and joy and heartbreak from a singular image. The image the creator wants is given to you, you don't have to put it together using words.

Who reads massive chunks of text anymore? Who reads books anymore? Why do I bother with a medium that is forgotten and dropped by the wayside? Did anyone even read this far? Or did they just see a wall of text and move on?

Art is quick to process while still holding emotions, you're able to completely understand the vibe through pictures. And it makes you grow much quicker. Everyone follows artists and creators, everyone cannot wait for the next comic update or for a silly doodle someone made on a napkin. Who follows writers? Who even bothers?

Who waits for a bunch of words to be thrown at them? There has to be something I'm doing wrong, as even big fics get art. That's how you know you've made it and your work is worth anything, when other creators come in and make something better than you ever will. That's how all the big fics even get found, through art.

So why do I bother?

#alien rant #rant post #rottmnt #im just feeling down today #i know ill never get to that point #i know youre supposed to create for yourself #i just want to be that story people remember #i just want to be that fic that people reread or recommend to their friends #is it so bad that i want validation?

[inkskinned]

hey btw if you're in the USA at  2:20 p.m. ET on Wednesday, Oct. 4, they're testing the emergency broadcast system. your phone is probably going to make a really loud noise, even if it's on silent. there's a backup date on the 11th if they need to postpone it.

if you're not in a safe situation and have an extra phone, you should turn that phone completely off beforehand.

additionally, if you're like me, and are easily startled; i recommend treating it like a party. have a countdown or something. be surrounded by your loved ones. take the actions you personally need to take to make yourself safe.

i have already seen mockery towards any person who feels nervous about this. for the record, it completely, completely valid to have "emergency broadcast sounds" be an anxiety trigger. do not let other people make fun of you for that. emergency sounds are legitimately engineered to make us take action; those of us with high levels of anxiety and/or neurodivergence are already pre-disposed to have a Bad Time. sometimes it is best to acknowledge that the situation will be triggering for some, and to prepare for that; rather than just saying "well that's stupid, it's just a test."

"loud scary sound time" isn't like, my favorite thing, but we can at least try to prevent some additional anxiety by preparing for it. maybe get yourself a cake? noise cancelling headphones? the new hozier album? whatever helps. love u, hope you're okay. we are gonna ride it out together.

#watching ppl go from being like ''support neurodivergent ppl~~!" #to being like ''if this is going to give u a panic attack ur fuckken stupid'' #like..... gets me #yeah man. i know im going to be triggered by it . in the old fashioned term. it is GOING to give me a panic attack. it's pretty much certai #and i shouldn't have to tell u about what i have survived for you to be okay with that. #you can just trust that i ALSO don't want me to react to it. i'm not gonna be having a FUN time. #dismissing that bc you think it's stupid.... like is the whole problem. #these sounds are workshopped by entire teams of people to get you to pay attention and move quickly. #they arent meant to be fun and exciting. #OBVIOUSLY it's gonna set ppl off. #but yeah there's something so fuckken demeaning about ppl being like. well that trigger isn't valid bc u haven't undergone X #dude i have ptsd bc i was abused as a child. like plain and simple. the fact im 30 and afraid of the dark tells you how bad it was. #i shouldn't have to ask u for permission to be mentally ill. #the reason it's a fucking disorder and not a fucking choice is that I DO NOT CONTROL IT. #like how is it any different from when ppl are like ''oh public speaking isn't that scary'' like FOR YOU #for YOU this isn't scary. now if i could fucking eat my own amygdala...

[hailsatanacab]

"Well, this is a bad idea," Tim says, hands on his hips as he surveys the mess they’ve made in the cave.

"Nah," Danny replies, twirling his screwdriver in the air in what is probably meant to be an impressive trick to inspire confidence, except he fumbles it and it clangs to the floor loudly, "we good. If a younger version of myself hasn't come forward in time to stop me, how bad can it be?"

"Shouldn't it be the other way round?"

"What?"

"Normally, it's an older version of yourself going backwards in time to stop you, right?"

"Not in my experience."

Danny's grin is impossibly feral and a shiver runs up Tim's spine.

"This is definitely a bad idea."

#dpxdc #dcxdp #batpham #dead tired #dead tired ship #there is a more expanded upon version of this with actual backstory and context rotting in the recesses of my brain #but its only half on paper and the conversation made me laugh so #here: have some feral danny leading tim down a path to disaster #danny: this is going to go so well! i have such a good feeling about this!! #tim: this is going to go so poorly. i have such a bad feeling about this. #danny: 🥺🙏🙏🙏 #tim: i never said we weren’t doing it. i just reserve the right to tell you i told you so when it inevitably goes wrong #danny: leave that to younger me - he always makes very valid points in the form of fists to the face! #tim: can you stop talking please this is making me want to do it less #danny: no.

[heymacy]

IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder

╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

#happy world bipolar day to all my bp babies #(more thoughts at the end of the tags) #shameless #shamelessnet #shamelessedit #ian gallagher #cameron monaghan #*macygifs #bipolar disorder #hello pals how are we doin #i made this gif set in july of 2023 and never posted it because 1) i was terrified to share it and potentially see Bad Takes in the tags #and 2) because my hyperfixation was waning. and while both of those things are still mostly true (the fixation comes and goes) #i feel like it's really important to share as ian's bipolar storyline was not only so vital to his character it was a bit of representation #that isn't often given to the disorder and those (like myself) who live with it every single day #world bipolar day is a day where we can both celebrate ourselves and our resilience and also raise awareness of the reality of the disorder #which is both terrifying and beautiful at its core. this disease is not a death sentence or a sentence to an unfulfilled and miserable life #while there are challenges galore when it comes to balancing life with this disorder it IS possible to live a full and productive life #and i think it's really important to have representation of that in media - and while shameless dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines #over the years THIS is the one they really fucking nailed and i am incredibly grateful #i first started watching shameless while in the midst of a major depressive episode and i was later (finally) diagnosed during an extended #hypo/manic episode - this show and ian's storyline got me through so much and made me feel so seen and validated in my struggles #world bipolar day is also vincent van gogh's birthday (happy birthday buddy) who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder #and who experienced both depressive and hypo/manic episodes during his lifetime (and was regularly institutionalized) #it takes a lot of help and support to keep us going. it takes the support of our family and friends and *most* of all #it takes patience and kindness and understanding - which is so so so easy to give if you are willing to love and listen #so please. be willing. listen to our stories. be patient with us. show us love without conditions. support us in any way you can. #we are worth it #i promise #anyway. that's really all i wanted to say. happy world bipolar day to those who celebrate (me) and may all of us living with this disorder #go on to live happy fulfilling beautiful magical lives

[saltpepperbeard]

✨January 1st Moodboard✨ 😍💖🤡

#OFMD #Our Flag Means Death #OFMD Season 3 #The Art of Clownery #...SJDKHSDJKLS WE'RE SO BACK BAYBEEEE WE'RE SO BACK #clownery at its ~*~Finest~*~ #oooooo max you want to validate us so so bad oooooooooo #you want to let the gays win so so bad ooOOOoOOOooo #YOU WANT TO PUT SOME BACKING BEHIND ALL OF THESE SEEMINGLY SUSPICIOUS INSTA CAPTIONS SO SO BAD OOOOOOOOOO #please max im crying rn #i just want to see ed and stede get married #is that SO WRONG #IS THAT TRULY TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR

[valictini]

BBH’s “Wants to act evil but actually feels bad raiding the green base”

Vs

Aypierre’s “There’s no mercy to have, let’s steal and burn everything. Oh and btw I just condemned them to death.”

#qsmp #qsmp aypierre #q!aypierre #qsmp badboyhalo #q!badboyhalo #qsmp purgatory #I WANT TO SHAKE AYPIERRE BY THE SHOULDERS SO BAD #LIKE HHHHHHUUUUGHH #but also it’s valid for his character #but also I hate him for it (the character not the cc)

[burr-ell]

"the tendency of this fandom to only engage with what THEY want these characters to be#as opposed to what their creators are trying to do and the stories they want to tell" slap this on a bumper sticker, you just summed all cr discourse (about PCs at least) in 2 sentences

It truly is maddening (and it's not by any means exclusive to the CR fandom). The reason why the discourse always goes the way it does is that at the end of the day, the loud fanwanky people only see what they would do, if they were self-inserted into the story, as a valid choice; and they are, more broadly, fundamentally disinterested in what others think or feel. There are several examples of this, and the variety of spaces within the fandom that produce these ideas is an indicator that this isn't endemic to one specific group of people.

-Keyleth is an important character whose feelings and choices are validated by the other PCs and cast even if they still disagree with them, in spite of how she and her preachiness get in the way of the Murderhobo Jubilee? It's not because the cast are all friends and they genuinely believe Keyleth is valid and are interested in how these discussions and choices can guide the story. It's because Marisha is the DM's girlfriend, and also here's my totally unbiased theory that my pet favorite players Sam and Travis secretly hate Marisha and Keyleth.

-Vax's presence is still felt and nodded to in the post-canon VM oneshots? It's not because he was an important character who mattered. It's because Liam wants to make everyone talk about his tragedy because he has Main Character Syndrome. Scanlan Wishes for Vax to appear at the wedding? It's not because he cares about Vex or because Sam and Liam wanted a sweet tribute to Vex and Vax's relationship and by extension Liam and Laura's friendship. It's because Liam thinks Vex's life should always revolve around Vax, and Sam wants to enable him and jerk himself off as the one who facilitated it.

-Beauyasha and Fjorester become canon? It's not because the players wanted it and it happened naturally. It's because there was a secret behind-the-scenes push to "force" those ships to become canon instead, and like, Dani Carr is some sort of shipping puppetmaster who made the players do it, and "they" (whomever "they" is) decided to sink Beaujester or Widojest because it was "obviously" going to become canon before the pandemic hiatus gave them time to "make the corporate-approved ships happen".

-Beau and Caleb try to reform the Empire and dismantle the Cerberus Assembly from within? It's not because it makes sense for their stories or that people who would take this position regarding a corrupt government might have a valid perspective that differs from your own. It's because the people at Critical Role Productions LLC are all spineless neoliberal cowards who won't commit to real activism. The best activism, after all, is violent, and violent revolutions have always resulted in stable aftermaths, and the real world has never demonstrated that this mindset is foolish.

-Relatedly: Caleb doesn't kill Trent personally? It's not because the most poetic justice would be to deny Trent the thing he wants most from Caleb. It's because "Limo Brain" is too obsessed with tragedy to have the stones to do "what needs to be done".

-Asmodeus, DnD Satan, turns out to also be CR Satan? It's not because it fits with the cosmology and the lore; it's because Matt Mercer is too attached to the "establishment", and the Prime Deities should have actually turned out to be the bad guys because of my personal baggage about Western religion and Christianity they're a little mean to my blorbo sometimes.

There's a pattern here: fans had expectations that they'd built up for themselves after projecting and building up fanon and deciding what players meant before they explained themselves fully, and when the players strayed from that, they were derided for all manner of reasons. I think we're seeing that same pattern play out in C3 as the story progresses in a way that fans dislike, and in fact we have seen fanwank spread whenever someone does anything that interferes with personally catering to a) the favored ship and/or b) the favored philosophy. (Orym, Ashton, FCG, Percy, Pelor...all valid when they affirm the Fandom Opinions and all disdained when they don't.)

Don't get me wrong, I think there's a place for comfort stories that deliver a personal catharsis. And I'm not going to dismissively say "well if you want it so bad make your own" because, as an artist, I am very familiar with the fact that creating is hard and draining and sometimes you just need to consume instead. But when you become so wrapped up in yourself and your feelings to the point where your perspective is the only valid one, someone else's feels like a betrayal when it isn't. It's always "They aren't doing what we wanted and here's why they're terrible people because of it" and never "Hmm, why is this what the cast wants? Let's examine that."

This isn't a new phenomenon, but I think it ultimately stems from not assuming that other people can differ from you in major ways in good faith. There are a lot of reasons for that (some more understandable than others), but I think you rob yourself of the potential to enjoy something new when all you do is demand what you already want. No matter what you're doing or where you are in life, you tend to become a better and wiser person when you open your mind to what other people have to say, no matter how mundane the subject matter. Sometimes the stories people have to tell are challenging—and the only healthy way to deal with that is to engage with them on their own terms.

#critical role #cr discourse #asks #long post #for the record i think VLD fandom became such a shitshow partially for this reason #but also. and admittedly i'm biased. VLD was basically a show for no one #this by the way is part of why a faction of fe3h fandom capes so hard for crimson flower (which is basically a glorified bonus route) #and absolutely abhors the idea of byleth being religious and enjoying her job as a teacher #and why some cr fans are so vehemently opposed to the prime deities being good and characters being connected to them #religious trauma that leads a character to reject religion and that being framed as a valid choice is okay to want to see #but it is also just as valid for a character to find religion to be a healing and positive experience #seriously 'gods bad' stories are not that difficult to come by. they're just not doing that in THIS story and you're mad about it #instead of doing the work of finding a story that WILL do that meaningfully

[hyacinth42-blog]

“You know, if you break up with Sveta, meet a gorgeous girl and break Sveta’s heart again, I’m obligated to throw you into the center of the Atlantic Ocean.”

....What does this mean Vicky? He's not allowed to date anyone pretty ever again???

#wormblr #parahumans #ward lb #I'm just missing something right? #I get that she's trying to be a good friend after Weld put her in a shitty situation #but this feels insane #I'm sad they aren't working out #but it's also sort of a valid plotline to exlpore idk #glad this was spoiled for me so I wasn't blindsided and upset by it #I also only read more because I was waiting in line alone for a long time and this was the only thing I thought my phone could handle #I really should just give up on it #but man I want to see the terrible bits people are talking about #I just wish the bad (funny and ridiculous) parts weren't behind all the bad (really boring) parts or the bad (annoying) parts

[soupbtch]

ummm. my fic is done.

#I mean it still needs a bit of editing but like after almost four months #the hell (writing) is finally over #it's clocking in at around 61k words rn and im tired #time to relax ((cry)) #actually you know what. fuck it I'm gonna overshare about this a bit. #I've never written fic before #and besides that - this is the first thing I've sat down to write seriously in about ten years #and ten years ago I was just writing poetry and papers for college #(I don't mean 'just' in a bad way - I only mean that it's been a very different experience for me personally) #very protective over this fic in that it's been sitting in my lap and in my brain for a few months and I don't want to give too much away #so I've deliberately been vague with the marketing of it. because I want people to read and be surprised and experience it firsthand. #and I know it's supposed to be self-indulgent and writing should be about the process and not the results but #I hope people read it??? I've poured my soul into this thing. a bit. a lot. and I'm a simple creature who craves validation. #it's very personal yet at the same time I feel like I haven't done anything new or groundbreaking which. okay it's self-doubt saturday so. #I should ignore that feeling. anyyyyyyyyway. #I hope to post the first chapter in two weeks. crossing my fingers that I don't abort mission before then aaaaaahahaha #also comparison is the thief of joy etc etc etc #danny.xls #danny writes

[moeblob]

I just really like him tbh!

#honkai star rail #trailblazer #hes a good boy your honor........ i love him.... #VERY stressed right now in my life and i feel like i keep not doing fanart and that stresses me out more? #cause i feel like people would prefer to see fanart on this blog #DESPITE the MANY times that MANY people told me hey man its your blog post what you want #its not that easy for my brain that lives off of validation and appreciation and stuff idk man #i just ............ feel like........... a weird mental obligation to posting fanart #but then im super burnt on fe stuff so i have been dabbling in other fandoms #which i feel is also a disappointment and that makes me feel bad #theres literally no point to these tags im just stressed and getting that out there #gotta go lie on my floor next to my cat bc shes struggling healthwise which im not gonna lie #is the majority of my stress right now

[flowerj3lly]

Bingqiu Ponies 🎀 (Inspired by this!)

#They are Antu Dreamlike Tea Party dolls now I don't make the rules #I want those dolls so bad and convinced myself out of it but once I saw that post with the centaur bodies for the nendos #the want was back but w o r s e #because now i can validate buying them again to myself bc now the dolls would have PURPOSE #I hope op for the nendos doesn't mind that I linked back to their stuff!! but lmk and i can take it off if needed #I just love that post so much theyre so cute as centaurs aaaa #svsss #svsss fanart #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #bingqiu #bingqiu fanart #scumbag system #also i cant draw horses pls go easy on me

[oceanwithouthermoon]

i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,

if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."

i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,

i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason

#crazy that the mindset some people on here have is that theyre the only ones allowed to post their opinions #ive repeated this a lot on this blog but i rlly think people forget that the person on the other side of the screen is in fact a person #if ur harassing people and publicly making fun of them then ur just as bad as any real life bully #that shit isnt as funny or harmless as u like to pretend it is #not once have i ever targetted anyone or went on someones blog to harass them over my opinion #yet people think its fine to do the same to me and treat it as if its like. revenge or something #like ? me saying 'i dont like toxic yaoi' is not equivalent to someone going on someone elses page and going 'how tf do u like toxic yaoi' #I DONT CARE !! all ive ever done is sit in my own little bubble and had opinions and that makes people mad #honestly though the people who will publicly talk and post abt it are significantly meaner #and i want to act like im not bothered by it because i know most of them r just angry that someone has a different opinion #and they want all their followers to bandwagon off of them (idk why maybe for validation or whatever-same reasons anyone would bully) #but seriously if u actually do think that something i said was out of line and crossed thise boundaries- just fucking tell me ? #im a person bro. ur solution to disagreeing with me shouldnt be 'lol im gonna post abt this and make everyone harass them' #have a conversation with me dude i dont bite ? if u cant talk to me like a person then just dont fucking say anything wtf #its so cowardly to be like 'well no i didnt wanna say anything to u cuz i didnt wanna be rude.. so instead i publicly made fun of u!' #LIKE WHATTTT STOPPPPP </3333 #ok anyway this post wasnt supposed to get THAT serious. #MY POINT IS just be considerate of other people and dont base ur hatred off of assumptions #ur deflecting the blame onto someone else because u dont want to admit that ur just a fucking bully lol #being inconsiderate on here is something ive also been guilty of back when i first joined the fandom and was clueless #but grown ass adults who have been on here way longer r still doing that shit which is crazy #and i cant say anything because they have so much leverage over me and idk if its on purpose or if they dont even realize #ok im putting fandom tags cuz i want people to see this sorry. this is my one post thats actually targetted but its at a lot of people #so if u look at this and think 'hey i do that' pls evaluate urself<3 #i mean its also targetted at everyone who does this anonomously so i dont know who it is OKOK IM DONE BYE SORRY HOPE THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE #watch nobody read this fr #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k. #meows post

[vorestarr]

thoughts on vampirism as a symbol of trauma

i've been thinking about this in relation to Astarion's story arc for a while and started writing this post a couple times, only to have it become much longer than expected, so for now this post is just going to be about the different paths of ascension vs spawn from the end of his personal quest. (i think there are multiple ways to read his story, and this is just the way i've been reading and thinking about it.)

the basic idea of this post is that Astarion's vampirism is a physical manifestation or symbol of his trauma, and therefore the two different ending paths for him are distinguished by how he addresses his vampirism (and therefore trauma).

it's pretty clear that the vampirism itself is a traumatic experience for Astarion, from how he describes almost dying, then actually dying, and then everything that comes afterwards at Cazador's hands. but i think of this a step further, in that the actual symptoms of vampirism are also part of this. there's an idea that there are physical manifestations of traumatic experiences held in the body, even if the trauma itself was psychological in nature (i.e., the body keeps the score). this is how i read vampirism for Astarion, specifically.

to start, he's turned into a vampire after a traumatic experience (almost being killed by a group of people one night). he's "saved" from this by Cazador turning him into a vampire, but still his body literally dies when he turns into a vampire, which is another separate traumatic event where he feels himself die and then has to climb out of his own grave. (also noted, i believe it's hinted that Cazador orchestrated the attack on Astarion that almost killed him in the first place, so Cazador is the cause of all of this trauma in one event that is Astarion becoming a vampire.)

his body is physically changed by the experience. he loses things because of it, maybe things that were not particularly important to him but now seem incredibly important once they're gone (like walking in the sun) or things that were previously important to him and now he can no longer enjoy (living indulgences and pleasures like food, or his own reflection). also critically, he cannot get those things back. his life is changed (literally ended) and there's no fixing it.

he learns coping strategies during the subsequent 200 years, which i will not get into in this post, but suffice to say that he learned things that he believed would protect him in the moment.

after the tadpole when he experiences freedom from Cazador's influence for the first time, there are some critical shifts that happen to start him on a path to address these things, or not. the recent interview where the devs mention that the ascended path is one of fear, i really agreed with and have said similar things in previous posts, because to me, i think the main difference between how Astarion acts in those paths is that for ascension, he relies on the methods he learned in those 200 years to survive in the moment, while in the spawn path, he learns new ways to cope.

to elaborate on that, i think the ascension path specifically is about avoidance.

in trauma, avoidance is what it sounds like: avoiding any triggers or negative emotions related to the traumatic experience. the avoidance can manifest in different ways, but a key idea is that by avoiding those negative feelings, they are never actually addressed.

i think there are two big ways this manifests in Astarion's story, related to vampirism:

ascended Astarion is avoiding those negative feelings of fear of Cazador (or someone else doing what Cazador did) by focusing on seizing power and control. if he's more powerful, in control of a situation, then nothing bad can happen to him again. the way this ties back to vampirism as a symbol of trauma is that this is literally described to us in the game as the natural course of life for vampires: they live in fear of other vampires, fear of their own spawn seizing their power, etc. this is the story of Vellioth and Cazador, and then later Cazador and Astarion (regardless of the choice he makes to ascend or not). we even get a list of vampires where ALL their life spans/eras of power are timed so that we can infer that each subsequent vampire has killed the previous vampire to dethrone them. so, vampirism itself is trauma and the known course of vampirism is this same cycle we see repeated with multiple vampires and histories in game. by taking a different path and not becoming a full vampire, spawn Astarion has started to learn a new way of dealing with his vampirism/trauma, rather than avoiding it.

the OTHER major way i see this manifest in the game is how ascension and spawn paths deal with the literal symptoms of vampirism: walking in the sun, Astarion's reflection, food versus drinking blood, the vampiric state of undeath, etc. these are all things that changed about Astarion when he became a vampire, and things that (in the normal course of events) cannot be changed back. he died, he's dead, there's no curing his vampirism. in other words, there's no going back to who he was before the traumatic experiences. that by itself is a neutral statement, the same way that there's no going back to who a person is before any major event (be it meeting someone important, choosing to take a certain job, etc etc), because we are all constantly changing and growing. HOWEVER, i think the places with Astarion where this stops being neutral is how he addresses that fact: with acceptance or avoidance.

to elaborate on the second point, which is my main reason for making this post:

on the spawn path, Astarion learns new ways to be and to live with his vampirism. in his epilogue, he can mention that he's not bothered by losing the sun again, he can describe finding a sense of belonging with others who share his vampirism, and he can define himself in new ways that he's picked for himself rather than stay in the definition of vampire that Cazador held.

in the ascension path, Astarion avoids all of those difficult realizations and choices. he falls back on the same strategies that helped him survive in the moment for those 200 years, but which can and do hurt him after escaping that environment. he's working hard to keep from addressing those negative feelings -- and on the surface, this works! he can walk in the sun without the tadpole! he has new vampire powers and he can do all the things he lost when he died! he can see his own reflection again! but, he's still a vampire, still has his fangs, still has his red eyes.

this is why i think the route is characterized by fear and why i found that interview with the devs interesting: by focusing on all those avoidance behaviors, Astarion ends up being stuck in a state of mind that's all about fear because it's all about avoiding that feeling. he feels great in the moment because he has been able to claim back some of what was taken from him, but this is not a solution because he's still a vampire.

personally, i do not read the ascension path as continuing a cycle of abuse, but as the continuation of avoiding the painful process of healing from trauma.

ascended Astarion is elated after killing Cazador because he feels the power flowing through him and it makes him feel safe in the moment, and because he is avoiding addressing any lingering feelings of pain or negativity, including avoiding addressing that he just killed 7000 people.

spawn Astarion meanwhile looks absolutely miserable immediately after killing Cazador when he cries and breaks down, and then he feels numb later because he's so overwhelmed. this i think resembles something that can happen in trauma therapy, where a person feels worse when they initially start addressing and working through their trauma, because it means actually feeling all of those negative emotions they've been avoiding.

in the end, ascended Astarion has not changed how he addresses his trauma or vampirism, and the ascension has actually given him more tools to continue avoidance. spawn Astarion meanwhile is exploring other ways of living with his vampirism, and can be experiencing success with that by the time the epilogue rolls around (even if there are some bumps and regressions along the way, like losing his ability to walk in the sun again).

because this is my main reading, i also don't think this makes ascended Astarion evil or irredeemable -- i think he shows that he does still have all the emotions that he's displayed through the game and therefore he still has the potential to follow the same path that spawn Astarion did in healing. but, the critical thing with the ascension path is that he does not have the clear motivation or triggering event to start him down that path. he's further away from that, and it will take more work to get there. everything he did after all comes back to the ways he learned to survive under Cazador, so those behaviors helped him at one point. the issue is that he's past the point of those things helping him, but he can't let them go.

tl;dr: i like looking at vampirism itself as a physical symbol of trauma and as a way to read Astarion's potential storylines, because it provides a context for me to view how the ascension and spawn paths treat his vampiric symptoms -- avoiding them in the ascension path by giving him an "out" of sorts to avoid addressing how those symptoms impact his life because of the extra abilities granted to him by the ritual, versus being forced to grapple with them and figure out a way to life with them and even enjoy them on his own terms in the spawn ending.

if you read this whole post, thanks for sticking with me and feel free to share your thoughts too. :)

#astarion #meta #astarion ancunin #i have a whole other post related to this about some specific in game events so i will link it here when im done writing that... #but for now this is just a brain dump of some things ive been thinking of when i think about his story #i really love ascended astarion tbh and i find his path really cathartic and validating when it comes to trauma responses #but i also love and appreciate the way that the game shows how spawn astarion hurts and has to hurt in order to heal #idk i just really enjoy his character and both paths and i haven't been viewing them as 'good' or 'bad' paths/endings #and just wanted to share my thoughts and framing for how i approach him :)

[babysitterpng]

5c billy , fist fight with God? (Seems on brand for him)

Anonymous asked: Can I request Max with 8F expression and cheers for her clothing? love ur art!!

billy might be able to fist fight with god but steve doing anything cute will give him a heart attack

#billy hargrove #max mayfield #i drew once and it fucked me up #yall really want billy to fist fight god huh #i mean valid #but now i have to think of 3 different clothing styles with the same palette lol #anyway yeah ill always be a sucker for billy being down so bad but refusing to make the first move #while max is his exasperated enabler

[shima-draws]

Slamming my head against the wall god fucking DAMMIT I'm so in love with Sanlu I am GOING to explode.

#One Piece #Sanlu #Sanji #Luffy #IDK WHAT IT IS!! IDK!!!! #Still love Zolu with all my heart but oh my GOD Sanlu. They are everything. #I might be reading too many fics bc it really feels like a fanon thing that Sanji's actually like #Really insecure and has low self-esteem #OR MAYBE THAT'S CANON IDK!! #But hnghhh Luffy being the one to be like. Hey I like you for you and not for your past #And I love everything about you and that's a FACT and not a lie and I want to keep you with me forever #AND I WILL NEVER REPLACE YOU WITH ANYBODY ELSE. YOU ARE MY COOK AND I DON'T EVER WANT ANOTHER #And Sanji craving affection and validation and praise SO bad that whenever Luffy gives it to him he wants to cry #BASHES MY HEAD INTO A TABLE AUUGHGHGHG SHUT UP!!!!! #MAYBE THAT'S FANON SANLU BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. I DON'T CARE IT'S SO GOOD #SLURPS THAT SHIT UP #Sanji especially feeling that he's not worthy enough for Luffy and thinking it'd be impossible to have him #So when Luffy actually does reciprocate he's in SHOCK bc how. How could Luffy pick HIM of all people #Cut to Sanji feeling like the LUCKIEST motherfucker on the planet bc he gets to have Luffy. SCORE. #Luffy blowing away all of his insecurities and anxieties and worry just by being himself and being so #STUPIDLY in love with him is just #HOLLERS AND SMACKS THE TABLE REPEATEDLY #ALSO IT DOESN'T HELP THAT OPLA MADE IT SO BLATANTLY OBVIOUS TOO #Luffy complimented his cooking one (1) time #And Sanji was like okay yup packing my bags for the Merry as we speak #When he smiles and looks a little flustered at Luffy's attention. #Oh my fucking god. Strangling myself. #THEY ARE EVERYTHING!!! #Shima speaks

[poppyseed799]

I see a lot of people disliking secret life and that’s fine having ur own opinion and all but since I’m a little baby who cries whenever someone vaguely suggests they might not totally like what I like, I simply MUST say something about it

… All I’ve gotta say is that the entire life series has ALWAYS been an experimental series. It’s good that they’re trying something drastically different this time. It’s not close enough to the other ones? Well, that’s cuz they’re experimenting with it.

Also many of the complaints on the series would not exist if not for the fans. The tasks would NOT be so stressful if the fans didn’t harass people for not following them exactly as they interpreted. It’s been said multiple times in the season that it is up to the person doing the task to determine if they did it correctly or not. We have to trust them on it. Even if they blatantly failed, if they see it as a success then it is, because they wouldn’t lie about that. They would be honest if they genuinely think they failed. However I’m seeing them now say things like “I don’t want people to harass me for it so I’m just going to hit fail” no!!! Fans stop it 😭

But on its own it’s a fun challenge. Seems like a fun series to be in, if the fans don’t bother you. So I wouldn’t say the gimmick is the issue. People just need to lay off.

I personally am not sure how well this season will end? I feel like at some point they’ll have to drop the gimmick. But that’s part of the fun of the life series, how experimental it is. I love that they keep randomly adding rules in the middle of the season. They’re experimenting to figure out what works! That’s always been the life series. And this one is a big change, a big test. And you may not like it. Next season they’ll just create a new gimmick accordingly, taking note of what did and didn’t work out well in this one (if there IS a next season…)

I just don’t get the “it doesn’t feel like the life series” thing when all the seasons were meant to be different anyways lol.

#trafficblr #life series #secret life smp #slsmp #there was not really a point to this I just wanted it off my chest #TLDR: I’m sick of ppl hating on SL! so now I will list reasons why it’s valid to not like it and maybe even complain about it myself a bit! #I’ll also say though that fans harassing the CCs over the rules has existed since the beginning it is NOT new to SL. #just trust the CCs. they assure us every time that if something was actually bad to them they’d undo it