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cosmicjoke · 3 years

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Alright, chapter 133 of SnK!

I’ve got a few things I want to talk about here.

One of the things that always strikes me about Levi as a character, indeed, one of his defining character traits, is his coolness under pressure. His calm demeanor, no matter the circumstances. One of the interesting things to go into is WHY Levi is like this.

We see it particularly exemplified in this chapter, I think, and there’s a few examples. For one, they’ve all just lost Hange as their friend and Commander, and this loss particularly impacts and affects Levi, since he was closer with Hange than any of them. But rather than allowing his grief to consume and paralyze him, Levi immediately begins trying to contribute when Armin says he wants to go over the plan, bringing up Hange’s theory about Zeke and how killing him might stop the Rumbling, etc... Then Eren transports them to Paths, and everyone reacts with shock and awe, except Levi, who’s expression is duly unimpressed and unsurprised. We see this from Levi throughout the series, of course. Situations that present themselves, new and frightening circumstances which throw everyone for a loop and send people into panic, Levi reacts to with calm collectedness, a distinct LACK of surprise or fear. He really does stand in sharp contrast with everyone else in this situation. Everyone there is a seasoned war veteran, at this point, they’ve all been through and seen some truly horrific things. But they still react with a kind of frantic uncertainty here. They then begin to plead with Eren, Armin and the rest trying to convince him through any means possible, to stop the Rumbling. They try to bargain with him, show him empathy, make promises, etc... They make their desperation obvious by saying whatever they think will appeal to Eren. Levi is the only one who, I think, is fully honest here. He tells Eren that if he stops now, he’ll let him off with JUST an ass-kicking. Levi doesn’t try to placate Eren, or show him sympathy, or empathy, he doesn’t try to be gentle or handle Eren with kid gloves. He tells him flat out he’s going to beat his ass for what he’s done, but he’ll show him some leniency for stopping by not killing him outright. The thing is, I think Levi’s known from the start of this whole disaster that talking to Eren wasn’t going to work. Everyone else was holding out hope that if they could just speak with Eren, he would stop, that they could convince him through words. But like I talked about in my last post, Levi is someone who’s just seen and experienced too much of life’s brutality and unfairness to blind himself to bleak reality. When the 104th goes running off after Eren appears to them, to try and reach him, Levi just sits down in the sand and has that resigned expression once more, and his expression continues to show a total lack of surprise when Eren puts the 104th back where they started, before they could ever even get close. Levi isn’t surprised, or even dismayed, I don’t think, at Eren’s refusal to talk, because I think he always knew he wouldn’t be willing to. That he wouldn’t be interested in hearing anyone’s pleas or promises. I think Levi always knew Eren was hellbent on this course of action, and it was more or less hopeless, trying to appeal to him. And once again, I have to restate, I think it’s because Levi’s just experienced too much hardship in his life to cling to false hopes. He’s world-weary and in many ways a realist, someone not given to delusion or fancy.

I feel like Levi probably glimpsed this uncompromising, hellish bent in Eren back in Liberio, his mercenary compulsion to follow through on whatever plan he had, which is why Levi was so disgusted by him on the airship back then. He saw a lack of mercy in Eren, and it reminded him of the brutes Levi grew up with in the Underground. Not just a willingness, but a desire to take from others to satisfy himself. It’s why, when they’re all transported back to the plane, while everyone else looks horrified and in shock at Eren’s refusal to talk, Levi looks as unflustered as ever, and states with a matter of fact tone that negotiations are over, before asking Armin what it is they do now. None of this is surprising to Levi.

Levi’s look of despair throughout this final arc continues to strike me as his resignation in the ugliness of humanity and the useless, pointless suffering they inflict on one another. He’s depressed, and disappointed, because everything happening around them is only a confirmation of all the worst things Levi saw and experienced, growing up.

All this ties into another point I want to discuss, which is Levi’s relationship with Jean, actually. I’ve found the relationship between the two of them really interesting since way back in the Uprising arc, when Jean was the most vocal in condemning Levi for his violence, declaring with certainty that he would never kill another person. Jean is disabused of his moralistic superiority not long after that, when he learns first hand the consequences of sticking to ones morals uncompromisingly, nearly losing his life, and forcing Armin to take a life for him. And it’s Jean who we see, again and again from that point on in the series, grappling with and coming to terms with this difficult lesson. We see Jean’s respect for Levi, and his understanding towards Levi, grow greatly, after this incident, and Jean himself having to grow, to change and accept that sacrifices are inevitable if one wishes to protect the things and people they care about. That sometimes even one’s own comfort and moral convictions are necessary sacrifices to achieve those things.

Levi tells everyone that he’ll take care of Zeke, but admits that he’ll need all of their help to get the job done. I feel like this is Levi, once again, asking if all of them are ready and willing to get their hands dirty, just like he did before they raided the Cavern underneath the Church on the Reiss property. He knows he can’t do this job by himself (which is just further testament to Levi’s strength of character, an ability to admit to weakness), but he wants to make sure everyone else is alright with plunging in to a situation in which they’re going to be forced to kill. Jean is the first to answer, telling Levi and all of them that he’s not going to let the sacrifices they’ve already made, the people they’ve killed in order to get where they are, be in vain, and that he’ll do whatever it takes to stop the Rumbling. This shows incredible character growth on Jean’s part. He went from someone who claimed that he would, under no circumstances, take another human life, to someone who declares that he’ll do whatever it takes in order to stop the Rumbling, to achieve a greater good. And I think this growth on Jean’s part ties directly into his relationship with and the influence of Levi. Levi never judged Jean for being uncomfortable with killing, never criticized or scolded him for it. He even told Jean that he couldn’t say, one way or the other whether Jean’s beliefs were right or wrong. That Levi himself didn’t know the answer to that. He never tried to convince Jean of anything. He just told him the truth. That his failure to kill had put the lives of his comrades in danger, including his own, and that it also caused Armin to have to bear the burden of killing another, one which should have been Jean’s own to bear. All of that is absolutely true. And it was really through this lack of judgment on Levi’s part that, I think, Jean was able to grow and expand his own views on killing, and adjust and allow for there to be circumstances in his world view which would justify taking another life. He wasn’t forced by anyone to change his views. He changed them based on experience and through Levi explaining to him that there is no definitive right or wrong answer to be found, and through Levi’s simply being honest with him. He was telling Jean that it comes down to what one is willing to sacrifice in order to protect the things and people they value. And Jean learned about himself that he’s willing and able to sacrifice more than he ever realized.

But it’s still a struggle, and something all of them, even at this point in the story, continue to battle themselves over. We see Connie struggling in particular this chapter, looking anguished over what he had to do back at the port. It’s only Levi who accepts that brutal reality of kill or be killed with a calm understanding, and I think this is probably because, unlike the rest of them, who all had peaceful, probably relatively easy and happy childhoods, without any exposure to violence or real cruelty, Levi, I think it can be safely assumed, probably took his first life while he was still a boy. And doubtless, that was due to desperate circumstances. Levi’s life has been one filled with uncertainty. Growing up in extreme poverty, he never could have known with any certainty where his next meal would come from, or when. Never knew with any certainty whether he could find proper shelter for the night, or a safe place to sleep. Never knew with any certainty whether he would be assaulted, or robbed, or if someone would attempt to take his life. Levi’s life has been one of desperation and a true, unforgiving struggle to simply survive. And so while all of his comrades have seen and experienced the horrors of war with him, none of them can know with the same level of understanding that true kind of desperation of simply trying to live day to day, that kind of awful and overwhelming uncertainty and fear of not knowing if you’ll be alive from one day to the next. It’s those kinds of experiences in life that really separate Levi from the rest of his comrades, and in a lot of ways, isolate him from them. It’s why the extremity of their circumstances and the desperation of their situation in this final arc continually shocks and overwhelms them, but Levi regards it all with his usual, if deeply saddened, calm.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #Levi Ackerman #jean krischtein #snk 133 #meta #thoughts

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etn-story-archive · 3 years

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Enter the Nomicon - Chapter 16: Dream a Little Dream of Me

It was almost dreamlike, unreal and light, like he would fly away into the endless abyss of the night. The entirety of the sensation seemed strangely familiar, yet he was unable to place it. The only true sign of the reality he was in came from what he saw and what he felt all around him.

The nightly air was thick and laced with a heaviness that rested at his chest. There were brief intervals of gentle breezes that carefully combed through shaggy, disheveled hair. Sadly, the airy waves did little to truly alleviate the foreboding sense of suffocation. Still, Randy appreciated the small comfort the breeze provided. It helped to calm his shot nerves, allowing him to think about more pressing matters at hand. Especially the ones that pertained to his current situation; Randall Cunningham was dead, or at least that was what he thought. But how else could he explain all of this--where he was, and the lack of remembrance as to how he got there?

Randy took a conscious step forward, before stopping to carefully eye his surroundings for, what he could only guess, was the uptenth time in the past several minutes. He was standing in the heart of what appeared to be a large village that practically screamed ‘ancient Japan’ with its charming and regal architecture. The large community itself appeared to be heavily inspired by Little Norrisville, but even then, Little Norrisville held a stronger sense of modernity compared to here, wherever that may be; it certainly wasn't from his time.

This had left Randy utterly confused, because how could he be somewhere other than his own time, and not remember how he has gotten there?

Maybe he really was dead.

Regardless, none of this coincided with Randy's memories of the day.

The young ninja continued to march on, having no other idea of what else he should do.

Admittedly, some parts of Randy's memories were choppy, but there was just enough to paint a clear enough picture in his mind.

He remembered Nomi and himself charging headfirst into a sea of monster students and freeing them from the Sorceress's influence, before they had found themselves being confronted by the Sorceress and Mac Antfee. He could still feel the deathly grip of Mac's hand on his throat; the man had come dangerously close to ending Randy's life, and then just like that, he had been torn away from Randy. A nightmarish form of his teacher had seemingly come from thin air, and like some scaly, runaway freight train, bulldozed Mac away. It had not only saved him from dying right then and there, but it had also lead to the brutal end of Nomi's former student.

At that point, Randy was on the verge of passing out, but had forced all of his strength in keeping himself awake long enough to calm Nomi back down to his human form. The redheaded teacher had immediately scooped Randy up, clutching the teen close to his chest as he fell into hysterics, being reduced to a sobbing mess.

Nomi had felt so warm and safe, despite the fact that he had just murdered someone, and Randy could taste the words of a confession on the tip of his tongue. Yet now, it was tasteless and lost in his mind. He could, however, feel a sense of regret, as if he had failed to let slip what he had wanted to say to Nomi.

Darkness had overcome him, but at some point he had become conscious again for a brief few seconds. Randy had found himself laying on a gurney inside a speeding ambulance, and Howard had been there, right beside him, screaming frantically into Randy's ears. However, the amethyst haired teen had been too dazed and confused to fully comprehend a single thing that Howard had said. Then he blacked out again.

Finally, the last time he had awoken, had been when he found himself in the midst of the ancient Japanese village, basking underneath the light of the starry sky and cradled by moonlight.

Once again the question entered his mind, "Where am I?”

There was no answer to his question, or at least not yet, he thought, correcting himself. Seeing as he wouldn't find answers on his own, he decided to focus on walking forward. As he studied his surroundings for any clues of his whereabouts, Randy silently hoped that he would be able to find someone with answers.

Unfortunately, that didn't seem possible, as he noted the lack of light coming from any of the buildings. It was safe to assume that the village occupants were sound asleep. Well, apparently except for one.

In the far off distance, Randy's blue eyes spotted a small, humble home atop a lone, grassy field. The little home seemed less luxurious compared to the other buildings and was surrounded by Japanese maples, a trail of lanterns led up to the front steps of the home. It was almost like something out of a videogame to Randy, and it was silently calling to him, begging him to come closer.

Randy could hardly register his feet moving towards the little home, until he was standing at its wooden door. Hesitantly, he raised a fist and, went to knock, but instead of his fist coming to contact with the door, his whole arm phased through it. His eyes began to widen.

The first thing that came to his mind was the dream Randy had had a few weeks back, back when he had first met Nomi.

“I’m dreaming?”

Randy could barely hide the shock and surprise from his voice; he wasn’t dead, afterall.

Tentatively, he stepped all the way through the door. A soft gasp escaped him, a strange sensation running through his body as he slipped through the door.

What he found inside was something he certainly had not expected to see.

A teen, perhaps around his age, sat at the very center of the room in a meditative position, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. The male bore light brown hair that was pulled into a high ponytail. A dirty, torn shroud rested over his shoulders, and underneath the shroud, the teen wore a traditional Japanese outfit, which mainly consisted of red, white and black. However, what really shocked Randy was what sat right in front of the teen: the Nomicon.

Randy stared wordlessly as the brunette teen opened his eyes, revealing eyes the same color as his hair.

He spoke in Japanese, yet Randy was able to understand his every word, as if he had spoken in English.

“Dear teacher, I may not know of your origins, nor do I fully understand your motives. I do, however, understand our common goal to rid this world of the Sorcerer. He killed my brothers, of whom helped defend our home to their dying breaths. I will do my part in doing the same, though I cannot do it alone. Will you teach me?”

The Nomicon seemed pleased with the boy’s answer, emitting a low buzzing hum.

The teen smiled and suddenly stood up, stretching his limbs, before picking up Nomi. The brunette left the room in silence.

At that, Randy snapped out of the awestruck stupor he had been in, and hastily followed after the two.

The whole world seemed to shift, and Randy had not noticed it, until he stepped into the room the teen had left to. There was only a single light source in the room, which came from a small lantern that sat idly on a wooden desk. Its owner, an old man, was quietly sitting beside said desk, with the Nomicon laying in front of him. He held a sad, tired expression as he spoke in a soft whisper.

"My time as the Ninja of the Norisu Village has long since been over, and peace has been since then achieved. I have completed my mission, old friend, and I believe it is soon time for you to choose another who must carry on the duty to protect our home. I am weak, ill; my time is quickly coming nearer.”

The Nomicon didn’t respond at first, but then red smoke seeped through his pages, and Nomi Conikos Norisu suddenly appeared. He sat on the edge of the desk, eyes red and puffy with large tears.

Randy was shocked to see his teacher so torn apart, and he had to refrain from going over to Nomi’s side to try to comfort him. The action would be in vain, of course. He was nothing more than a ghost here.

Nomi spoke, his voice shaky.

”I-I know, but I cannot abandon a friend. You have dedicated your whole life to carry on the duty, a burden, that I could not. You sought no wives. You bore no children. You have given up the chance to live a long, prosperous life. The least that I may do is spare the time for you until you pass.”

The old man chuckled softly.

"I am simply astounded by your sentimentalism. The tough and stern teacher, showing emotions? Shock! Has hell itself frozen over?!”

Randy half expected Nomi to be somewhat offended by the old man’s words, but instead was met by a snorting laugh.

“Or perhaps, my student has finally given me a reason to show emotion?”

The old man let out a resounding laugh, knowing full well that it was physically impossible to outwit and out sass his teacher.

Randy sensed this, and he found himself grinning. The forlorn mood in the room seemed to lift, and he quietly watched as the old man and Nomi hugged each other tightly. The amethyst haired teen shuddered. An odd sensation danced up his spine, like an icy hand, a gasp leaving his lips.

The room then seemed to warp, and he found himself standing outside, right before the little house. However, everything seemed different.

The comfy little home had become somewhat run-down. It was daylight, but deep, dark clouds hid away the sun. The air was chilling to the bone, and the entire atmosphere felt listless and depressing. Randy was standing beside Nomi, whose face was full of grievance. In his hands, Nomi clutched an elegant sword, its blade covered by a dark red sheath. The magical being wordlessly unsheath the katana, displaying a dark blade. Kanji symbols were eloquently inscribed on both handle and blade, which seemed to bear the semblance of the words ‘Goodbye, my friend.’

Nomi paused, before he suddenly plunged the great weapon into the earth. He clutched the handle tightly, hands shaking. Softly, the red haired ninja murmured out the words,

"You were a grand ninja, though you were an even greater friend.”

Nomi sat on his haunches and stared up at the home with a deep fondness, tears were beginning to form in his eyes, when another figure came to join him. A cowboy-hatted man carefully rested a hand on his back.

"Ya know, it is time for us to go.”

His voice held a thick southern accent.

Nomi simply nodded. The two glanced at the house once more, before taking their leave. It was not until the little house was a tiny speck in the distance that Nomi suddenly crumbled to the ground, onto his hands and knees. Loud, body wracking sobs left his lips, and his voice was hoarse as he shouted and screamed, cursing the unfairness of his life, because why him? He didn’t want to keep living in this miserable loop of existence, when all he could feel was pain and endless suffering.

“WHY ME!? I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! I CAN’T! I DON’T WANT TO BE IMMORTAL ANYMORE!”

Randy rushed immediately at Nomi’s side, and he wrapped his arms around the sobbing teen into a loose hug. Any tighter, and he would simply phase through Nomi.

Even if Nomi could not feel any of this, it still brought Randy some comfort for himself. He buried a part of his face into Nomi’s back, tears beginning to form in his blue eyes.

The cowboy-hatted man noticed Nomi’s state, and instantly made his way towards the sobbing teen. He calmly lowered himself to Nomi’s level, and began to utter words of comfort.

“It’ll be okay…”

Randy peered over to the man, and furrowed his brows. The man’s words were slowly starting to slur, becoming more and more indecipherable. Suddenly, Nomi and the cowboy seemed far away, and the world was beginning to disappear and fade into a void of emptiness.

Randy began to panic. He ran, and tried to return back to Nomi, but the more he tried, the more far away they seemed until the dark swallowed them and himself whole.

…..

Nomi was thankful that Gene had given him the t-shirt and basketball shorts; it was unbelievably hot. Up until now, the days had been cool and wet thanks to the previous rains, but now the summer’s simmering heat had come back with a vengeful bite. However, there seemed to be only one down side to Nomi’s current apparel. The clothes did absolutely nothing to protect his arms and legs from the small thorns of the bush he was currently sitting in.

A pair of footsteps caught Nomi’s attention, but then they just as quickly faded off. Poking his head out of the bushes, Nomi was relieved to find that it wasn’t a doctor, just a regular person finishing up a smoke. The scent of the cigarette lingered in the air for a moment, eventually snuffing out.

It had taken Nomi nearly half an hour to get to the hospital, the only delays being caused by himself. He was still unsure if he was truly prepared to see his student, unsure if the teen was even alive. If he was, Randy would more than likely be in a less than good state of being.

It was after having taken another detour, this time through a park, that Nomi finally made his way to the hospital. He made sure to avoid any entrances, and stayed just beyond the hospital camera's line of sight. He also made it a point to stray away from any hospital personnel, such as the nurse who had spotted him earlier, and took to the side of the hospital. Then, Nomi had made a beeline for a nearby bush, the one he was now hiding in.

Nomi looked around to make sure there weren’t any other passerbyers, and after a moment of preparation, began scaling the hospital wall. He soon reached a window that was just a few levels above the ground. It seemed that no one had bothered to lock it, and it was never opened at any times, making the window a bit finicky. It took some fidgeting before Nomi was able to pry it open, and he wasted no time diving inside.

Nomi landed onto vinyl flooring in silence. Shooting a brief glance in the almost pitch black storage room, it seemed that no one else but Nomi was here.

Good. That made this all the more easier.

On a metal shelving rack, there was an old janitor’s jacket, a pair of musty looking pants and boots, and a black flipback hat. Nomi graciously took the items and slipped them on. Unsurprisingly, most of the clothes were far too big and baggy. Even the hat seemed to be a size too big, covering a portion of Nomi’s face. But he didn’t mind.

He sipped out of the dark room. Nobody seemed to notice or question him. More than likely, everyone was too busy to take a good look and see a kid wearing some old janitor outfit. Thanking every and any deity in existence that the disguise had worked, Nomi wordlessly made his way to one of the many help centers.

“Excuse me, I seem to have gotten very lost on my way to see a friend. His name is Randy Cunningham, do you know where his room is?”

The receptionist looked up from the computer and was a little startled by Nomi’s somewhat sudden appearance.

“Oh! Well of course! Just give me one second.”

Turning back to the computer beside him, he instantly began typing with incredible speed and accuracy. He turned back to Nomi with a slight smile.

"Randy Cunningham is two levels above us, room 503.”

Nomi nodded, muttering a soft,"thank you,” and was about to leave, when the receptionist called out to him.

“Wait, are you an unaccompanied minor?”

If the situation wasn’t so dire, Nomi would have laughed at the question; he was no average minor.

“Yes, I am.”

The man hummed, then turned his back to Nomi and began digging around his desk.

"Dahlia on the first floor should’ve given you one, really any of the other receptionists,” he seemed to find what he was looking for and placed it atop the desk as he continued. "Oh well, I guess they must’ve had their hands full. The recent monster attack at school left quite a number of people injured, thankfully no fatalities as far as I heard.”

Nomi thanked the male as he took the item (a sticker that labeled Nomi a minor) off of the receptionist’s desk. His chest swelled with absolute relief that no one else had died, and that Randy was clearly alive.

With that, Nomi bid the receptionist good bye, and ran towards the nearest elevator in sight. He nearly broke the elevator’s button, and was even tempted to ditch the elevator. It was going far too slow for Nomi’s tastes.

After a mere few seconds passed, he was most seriously considering his alternative plan, when there was a soft ding, signifying that the elevator had reached his floor. He stepped inside quickly.

The doors had barely opened and Nomi shouldered past, ignoring any eyes on him. Nomi simply didn’t care anymore. He hadn’t even noticed that he had zoomed past a disgruntled and exhausted Ms. Cunningham.

It wasn’t until Nomi spotted the room that he slowed down.

The anxiety and guilt from before almost instantaneously resurfaced, and Nomi seemed hesitant to venture further inside.

Was it too late to turn around?

“Yes, yes it is.”

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes as he stepped inside the hospital room. As Nomi reopened his eyes, he wasn’t all too surprised by the somewhat ordinary setup of the room. The walls were a sterile white, the air in the room stale, and the soft steady beeping of a heart monitor. The only thing that seem to stand in complete contrast to the room was the teen lying in the hospital bed. Randy.

Nomi’s heart nearly jolted out of his chest as he took in the state of his student. Bandages were dotted all over Randy’s face, some were even wrapped around the amethyst haired teen’s throat. There were wires and tubings all connected to Randy. From an arterial line to an endotracheal tube which went through Randy’s nose, allowing the teen to breath. It seemed that Mac Antfee had done more damage to Randy’s throat than what had been expected.

Edging closer to Randy’s bedside, Nomi was thankful to find that Randy was asleep, just as he had hoped back when he was at Gene’s. Running a hand through Randy’s hair, a sad smile gently graced his lips.

Without much thought, Nomi leaned down and pressed his lips against Randy’s forehead, and pulled away. As much as he wanted to savor this moment, Nomi was pressed for time. He already wasted a good deal of time working up the nerve to even come here in the first place.

Now he needed to hunt down the Sorceress, before she did anything with the mask.

Sighing, the redhead slipped away from his student, only pausing at the nearby window to look over at Randy once more. He hesitated, before finally forcing himself to leave.

What Nomi didn’t see was that his student’s eyes flickering open, wide and full of fear.

#Enter the Nomicon #ETN #Chapter 16 #story repost

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johnykeatsy · 5 years

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Old Love Letter

Dear friend, I finally carved out a few hours alone with myself, and I can write to you. What a relief. (Sighed)

As always, the hardest thing is to start. But I will try to reduce our precious time.

It has been raining here all week. For the first time he afflicts me, it seems sad and cruel.

I’m trying to write, every day, even a few hours, but everything seems lifeless and neutral to me. You see, there is not enough fire, feeling. The musician, should give him his due, is trying to cheer me up. “I hope I don’t have to become Joan Volmer so that you can start writing?!” - Oh, I joke that if I wanted to, I would kill him, without having to shift the responsibility to alcohol and an apple. To be honest, I wouldn’t like to experience strong commotions lately. I'm not ready for them. Even the temporary layer has not been outlined since last time.

Something in my head gives me no peace. I am tormented by deep fears. He says that I sleep uneasily, all the time I shudder and whine. I do not like that my fears are passed on to him, so lately I have been insisting on a separate room. I see that it is disturbing him, but this is for the better. I imagine what he thinks. Our relationship has always claimed to be strange and irrational. One day, maybe we will end up like those who start with love and end up with hate.

Things that we loved in each other we will painfully hate. Folly will irritate us, and wisdom will be intolerable. And one day we will be filled with hatred, so thick that it can be used on the front line. And all that we remember about each other will be -pain. I would not like to see this.

We often talk about the club "27". It always seemed to me romantic, to burn at the peak of greatness. Like the stars, not the ones that are forgotten in a week. I am talking about those who died out millions of years ago, but are still able to delight us.

He was not too cordially perceived death in the midst of his formation. Although, I must admit, he denounces it more in a casual tone than he truly believes that it is nonsense.

Yes, and surely none of us would drift LSD into each other’s eyes. This is what Morrison can not inspire. However attractive this experience may be, now we can only afford coffee.

Previously, people experienced real emotions, not covering them for severe forms of mental deviations. Not counting the acid dough of course, but the circumstances contributed there. People barely allowed themselves to be depressed, and we with fanaticism, plunge into self-pity, shift responsibility to everything and everyone. We do not confess that we are cruel, or filled with contempt and hatred, we feel pain, or we want more love and attention.It is easier for us to call it sociopathy or hypatima psychopathy, various forms of personality disorders, if only to get rid of responsibility rather than admit our weakness. And who is ready to admit being a bad person. We all prefer to lie to ourselves that we are good actors, writers, musicians, philosophers, scientists, but we never admit that we are not the most pleasant people.

The longer I ponder all this, the clearer it is that the anger that I feel from time to time is not connected with society and its demands. It does not upset me that I did not achieve the ideals they demanded. However, it kills me that I do not fully respond with my own. This is the biggest disappointment, so it’s so hard to open your eyes.

You know, I suddenly remembered our first meeting with him. It seemed to be like dreams in the cinematography. But another thing is important, we said goodbye and I got on the train. In my ears sounded tormenting, woeful voice of Loretta, addressed to her father, in the hope that he would feel the power of her love for Rinuccio. I did not immediately notice how tears flow down my cheeks. The rest of the way I walked, I needed to figure out what happened. It suddenly became clear to me that it was not a matter of truism to admire the aria. It was a sense of fear.

I knew that this meeting would change everything, I felt that I would lose something important. And from now on, nothing will be the same. I cried like a child because I knew that I would love him. Over time, I had a habit of breaking into his life, and yet we were strangers. The silence created by him, I put in a notebook. And now, my friend, I do not want to create a copy of it in your imagination, rather an artistic embodiment. After all, copies come to life with the death of the original.

(C)

#love #letter #words #heartbreak #fear #anxiety

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reviewape-blog · 5 years

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Universal Life Secrets

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The Secrets You’re About To Discover Have Been Hidden From Mankind For Centuries For A Perfectly Good Reason… Incredible, Legendary Mind-Power Secrets So Remarkably Powerful That Many Ancient Mystics Have Sought To Destroy Them To Prevent Them From Falling Into The Wrong Hands… From: Chris D’Cruz Date: 8 Jan 2019 I would like to caution you that what you’re about to read may very well be the most important letter you’ll ever read in your ENTIRE life. The reason for this is simple: In just 30 days from now, you will have the power to: In short, you will have FULL, UNRESTRICTED ACCESS to all the secrets that will transform you from mere mortal to an all-powerful GOD of your own domain. Secrets such as Irresistible Hypnotic Influence, Innate Psychic Ability, Supernatural Healing, Indomitable Sexual Prowess, The Cosmic Omnipotent Knowledge Of Life And The Universe… …and A WHOLE LOT more that I really can’t afford to list down because of time/space constraints. As unbelievable as this may sound, these secrets will grant you complete control over every aspect of your life. Aren’t you tired of having someone dictate your life for you? Constantly telling you what to do in order to get ahead in life, even to the point of instructing you what your ideal dream or goal in life should be? I’m telling you right now: That’s pure, utter, RUBBISH. Only YOU should have total dominion over your own life. You should be the one who is in control of every aspect of your destiny, not some schmuck at the top of some hierarchy who’s determined to keep you from getting your well-deserved break in life or to crush the dreams you’ve always thought of achieving some day. Your life, from here onwards, will be how YOU envision it… but only if you seize the opportunity to learn these ancient, forbidden secrets. …because they believed that once these secrets fell into the wrong hands, the balance of power would shift and the world would be plunged into chaos. The secrets about to be revealed to you are THAT powerful. These secrets are really a compilation of knowledge of the ages, stretching back centuries to the times of ancient philosophers, venerable priests, and wise mystics, eventually passed down from master to apprentice, parchment to paper… And now in the 21st Century, these secrets have been converted into digital format, updated for the modern world, but still retaining the timeless, undiluted wisdom and controversial secrets to the attainment of incredible power and ultimate enlightenment. These are secret, fundamental principles that have allowed the world’s richest and most powerful individuals to achieve incredible levels of success in their lives. These life-changing principles have granted these individuals the power to shape their very lives however they deem fit. And it’s about time that this power is given back to the common man. You must be wondering why I’m so confident about these secrets being so incredibly life-changing and why I’m so eager to share them with you. I’ll let you in on a little secret: I was once like you. I was probably even worse off than you are right now. You probably have a job right now, maybe even a girlfriend or wife or lover you can come home to. Maybe you’re ok with your life right now, even though you sometimes think that things could be just that much better. Or maybe, just maybe, you’re like me 5 years ago. As embarrassed as I am about admitting this, the following is a true account of my life just 5 years ago. Life wasn’t all that great for me 5 years ago. My parents couldn’t really afford to send me to college, but they scrounged up whatever they could to get me into a state college. Unfortunately, with what little we had, and no scholarship, I had to drop out. Just a week after dropping out of college, I got a job. And shortly after that, another job. And then another. And then another. What I’m trying to say is, I couldn’t hold a steady job. My love life wasn’t all that great either; I had zero confidence, zero self esteem, and I could never get any dates. It made sense at the time, because after all… It was only a matter of time before I became manically depressed about my life. I was jobless, lonely, and living in my parents’ basement. Now, keep in mind that even though I was a college dropout, it wasn’t because I couldn’t keep up. On the contrary, I LOVE studying. Call me a nerd, a geek, a bookworm, whatever… I’m the kind of guy who’s constantly trying to improve myself by reading up on whatever I can. So with all the time in the world, I immersed myself in books, borrowed from the town library, and I spent my days reading books on self-improvement, success psychology, and yes, even romance. I was so sick of my life and was in desperate need of a change. I told myself that I wouldn’t be greedy; I’d be thankful if I could settle on either having enough money to sustain my expenses, or having the companionship of a good woman. Ok, ok. So I wanted to make millions of dollars a year and I wanted to be an irresistible Chick Magnet and have hot, steamy, passionate sex with as many women as I could. What guy wouldn’t want any of that? The problem was, I ended up reading what must have been dozens of books over the course of half a year, and every single author had different ideas and techniques for life success. So who really has the right idea? The more I read, the more I became confused. I was about ready to give up and resign to living a monotonous life of working odd jobs and living in my parents’ basement for the rest of my miserable life. One day I attended a free seminar on success psychology, and I distinctly remember that it was a rather long, drawn out session that lasted half a day, and by the end of it I was frustrated that I hadn’t left any wiser as to how I could turn my life around. As I contemplated on speaking with the speaker personally, I was approached by a man who handed me a name card, with just a website URL, a telephone number, and the words “Change Your Life Today” beveled across the front of the plain white card. Now, you’d probably think the same thing I did back then. I thought, “Wait a minute, this must be some sort of scam. Maybe it’s one of them multi-level marketing (MLM) things or “Get Rich Quick” schemes I’ve heard so much about.” The man barely spoke two words to me; he simply smiled, handed me the card, patted me on the shoulder, and pointed to the telephone number on the card. And then he walked away, just like that. I was confused. What was I supposed to do with this card, I asked myself. Should I throw it away? What was this about? Just who was that mysterious guy? For some reason, I didn’t throw away the card. In fact, three days later, I actually did call the number on the card, because I thought I had nothing to lose. That phone call proved to be the turning point of my life, because 30 days after that phone call… …all within the space of those short 30 days! I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought that it was impossible to break “the code” and achieve this much success in a short amount of time. I was even paranoid for awhile that I might lose all of it in the next 30 days. But here I am, 5 years on, and I’ve now got a 7-figure income, married to the hottest babe I had ever met, and I’d just bought myself a sleek new boat last week. And no, I’m not still living in my parents’ basement; I’ve got my own beachfront property, and my parents have their own comfortable nook (that I bought for them) just a 15-minutes-drive from here. So what’s the point I’m trying to make? Now I’ve taken it upon myself to be YOUR Mystery Guy and open your eyes to the truth of the world. I want to share with you the secrets that I was shown all those years ago, and I want to share with you this incredible, life-changing power that will not only benefit you in every aspect of your life, but it will also enrich the lives of your loved ones as well. ” Truly Have A ‘King Maker’ Program Here…” You’ve raised the bar with this Chris. I have never seen a program as powerful as this before. I thought I knew a lot but your entire program really blew my mind away. It’s full of golden nuggets of priceless information that can empower anyone. You truly have a “King Maker” program here. ” Have More Energy And Achieving Greater Success With My Business. “ This program has been a complete eye-opener. In less than a month, I have already seen the difference these secrets have made in my life. I’m happier, have more energy and achieving greater success with my business. You don’t want to miss out on this. Katie Jones www.5MinuteFatLossSecrets.com ” So Powerful It Borders On Almost Being illegal…” Simplely amazing. This program is so powerful it borders on almost being illegal. Use the techniques and change your life. It has definitely changed mine for the better. Gerard Wentworth Atlanta, GA What I’m about to reveal to you WILL change your life. No ifs, no buts, no maybes… the day you apply what you’ve learned here will be the day your life will have been transformed into what YOU make it out to be. I will give you the tools necessary for you to shape your own future, but it’s up to you to use them, and use them well. With these secrets, you will… If you’re not interested in the ability to write your own destiny, if you’re not in any way curious about what it’s like to live a life of incredible, hypnotic, affluent power and pure, unadulterated sexual bliss, then stop reading beyond this point. Congratulations on having the guts to make the best informed decision of your entire life, and congratulations for wanting to know more about the Universal Life Secrets that will completely transform your life in ways you can only imagine. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Here’s more of what you can expect to learn… Yeah, I know. You’re probably thinking that everything I’ve said thus far is simply too good to be true. It was the first thought that came to my mind when I was told of these secrets. If there’s anything the modern world has taught us, it’s that if something sounds too good to be true, it most likely is. But there are moments in time when true miracles happen, things that seem simply too good to be true or too great for us to understand and fathom. Just think about the modern conveniences we have today that we tend to take for granted… the cellphone, computers, electricity, cars, the internet, advances in medicine, space travel… If you went back in time three, four hundred years ago and told someone from that era that one day everyone around the world would be able to communicate instantaneously just by typing on a few keys on a keyboard and getting on the internet, they would think you’re crazy. Right now, you’re probably reading this, and you’re thinking I’m crazy. Yet, think about what you’re using to read this, and how you got to this page to begin with. If there’s any lingering doubt in you, you have to consider the possibility that this may be your one opportunity to experience a true miracle, one that very rarely presents itself so boldly, just waiting for you to seize the moment. These are the secrets that can allow anyone, regardless of their situation, to break the limitations of life and experience unending bliss, love, and power… everything that life has to offer and yet had been kept out of reach all this while. If there’s one thing you should know, it’s that these secrets were never meant for the public, because they have the potential to cause great disorder. In fact, the original man to have compiled these secrets (a professor who shall remain anonymous) was said to have been put in prison numerous times, because he simply refused to stop sharing these secrets! These secrets had always been closely-guarded by those in power, fearing that once the secrets were revealed they would lose all authority and power in the world. But this esteemed professor risked everything to reveal his secrets to a chosen few. I was lucky enough to have met the Mystery Man who was amongst the few who had the privilege of knowing these secrets first hand from the professor himself. It’s simple: I made a promise to my Mystery Man that I would pass these secrets on if I ever found success with them. And because I’ve found such massive, life-transforming success with them, I feel the need to share it with as many people as I can. Another reason why I’m sharing these secrets with you is that I have nothing to lose by doing so. In fact, the only person here who has everything to lose by letting go of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is YOU. You’re just minutes away from possessing these life-changing secrets, minutes away from achieving total control over your own life, minutes away from a life of perpetual success, happiness, affluence, and intense, mind-blowing sexual pleasure. Are you willing to give up such a life and settle for the mediocre one that you’re living right now? Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way trying to insult you by saying you lead a mediocre life. But trust me, once you’ve discovered these secrets, once you’ve peeled back the veil that society has put over your eyes, you’ll see that the life you’re living now is NOTHING compared to the kind of life you can… no… WILL achieve with these controversial secrets to life. I’ve already said I’ve got nothing to lose by offering to reveal these secrets to you. In fact, I’m so confident that you’ll love the secrets you’re about to uncover, that I’m willing to bear ALL THE RISKS involved in you making the right decision. I’d even go one step further by making the offer to DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK if you’re not completely satisfied by these Universal Life Secrets. Unfortunately Clickbank doesn’t allow me to make such bold guarantees. Here’s what I can promise you: Try these Universal Life Secrets for a full 60 days. You can choose to download all or some of the files. Read the given material on your computer, print them out, whatever it takes for you to absorb the secrets, do it. Apply the system revealed to you in your daily life, and any time within those 60 days you feel unsatisfied with what you’ve been given, then just send me an email and I’ll return every single penny of your investment back to you. No questions asked. If these secrets don’t shock you with how effective they are, if none of them work for you… if I can’t change your life by empowering you with these secrets, then I don’t deserve a penny from you. ” I’m Really Enjoying Life Right Now.” I’m speechless. “Universal Life Secrets” is exactly what I’ve been looking for. In just 2 weeks, I’ve managed go on a date with a beautiful girl. My finances are now in better condition and I’m really enjoying life right now. Thank you Chris, you’re a life-saver with this. Jackson Curtis Nashville, TN ” Enjoy Extraordinary Results! “ These life secrets will make an astounding difference in your life. Be it in your career, love or health. Finally anyone ordinary can enjoy extraordinary results! I’m surprised that Chris is letting these go at such a bargain. There is simply no price tag you can place on true life success – which is exactly what you’ll get. Joel Riley www.TheMasterCleanseDiet.org ” I’m Happier, More In Control, And Much More Relaxed.” The Universal Life Secrets program has opened my eyes to greater possibilities. And I have already seen the difference it has made in my everyday life. I’m happier, more in control, and much more relaxed. These powerful new ideas will change the world…and shouldn’t be kept secret. You deserve to have this change your life. Maxine Clarwood Milwaukee, WI You won’t have to wait for this package to be shipped out to your residential address. You don’t have to worry if this is some mail-order scam that’s going to leave you with a pack of garbage that you’ll have to stand in line at the post office with so you can send it back to the scamming company. These secrets have been converted to digital format, and the great thing about anything in digital format is that their delivery is made convenient and instantaneous. So you can have IMMEDIATE ACCESS to these secrets, and all it takes is a few clicks of the mouse. Simply click the button below to order. I understand that before you invest in these Universal Life Secrets, you may have one last question on your mind. I’ll be frank with you. I was tempted to make a considerable profit from revealing these secrets to you. Attend any reputable self-improvement seminar or consult any highly qualified therapist or life coach and you can expect to pay that kind of money for psychoanalytical babble that is hardly of use to you. These secret manuscripts however have been written in such a way that even a 12 year old child would be able to understand all of Life’s secrets these manuscripts reveal. I had initially intended to sell these secrets to the highest bidder, to a select few (already rich) businessmen who wanted more out of life, but I can’t in good conscience help those who don’t need these secrets. I had promised the Mystery Man that I would share these secrets with as many people as I could, but I can’t do that if I make them unaffordable to the masses. I wouldn’t be any better than the ones who have been trying to keep these secrets from the public! (I reserve the right to end this offer at anytime without warning.) However please note that this offer is only good for a limited time only, not because I intend on raising the price any time soon, but because I’m not sure how long I’ll be allowed to put these secret manuscripts up on offer before I’m forced to take them off the market. I’m not making this up… I really don’t know when they’ll make me take down the offer, or even forcibly remove this page. You might come back to this page some time down the line and find a “404 Page Not Found” notice instead of this letter. So make the right decision now before it’s too late. To help you make the right decision, you should ask yourself, Everyone deserves better. Especially you. There is no conceivable reason why you should hold yourself back from achieving everything you’ve wanted to out of life. In fact, if you do come up with a reason why you’d rather not have the power to change the future, YOUR future, then please email me because I’d really love to know your reasoning. These Universal Life Secrets hold the key to limitless possibilities, to a future that is rightfully yours to create, to shape, and to live. And now, for the first time ever, you have the opportunity to own these incredible, life-changing secrets for yourself. What’s more, this is an absolutely risk-free offer, and if you can’t see the value of such an amazing offer, then maybe you should stop reading now and just continue living your life of mediocrity. However, if you do choose to take advantage of this offer, I trust that you will use your newfound powers responsibly. Remember, these secrets are so incredibly potent that what you do with them will not only affect you, but the people around you. Use these secrets wisely, and the Universe will take good care of you for the rest of your life. YES , Give It To Me Now! I Want To Change My Life Today (I reserve the right to end this offer at anytime without warning.) Chris D’Cruz Keeper of the Universal Life Secrets P.P.S. You have absolutely nothing to lose, because your investment is absolutely risk-free. Try out these Universal Life Secrets for a full 60-days. If you’re not completely satisfied by this incredible, mind-blowing, life-changing resource, then feel free to contact me within those 60 days and invoke my 100% Money-Back, No Questions Asked Guarantee. If these secrets can’t change your life in any way at all, then I don’t deserve your trust and investment in these secrets. P.P.P.S. I wish I had been in your shoes 5 years ago. I wish I had stumbled upon these secrets sooner, because then I wouldn’t have had to struggle with getting a job, or a proper relationship, or achieving everything I’ve ever wanted to out of life. If you’re tired of a mediocre life, if you’ve always wanted more out of life but could never achieve it for some reason, then make the right decision and grab these Universal Life Secrets now. Click Here To Download Universal Life Secrets Immediately ClickBank is the retailer of products on this site. CLICKBANK® is a registered trademark of Click Sales, Inc., a Delaware corporation located at 917 S. Lusk Street, Suite 200, Boise Idaho, 83706, USA and used by permission. ClickBank’s role as retailer does not constitute an endorsement, approval or review of these products or any claim, statement or opinion used in promotion of these products. Click here to get Universal Life Secrets at discounted price while it’s still available… All orders are protected by SSL encryption – the highest industry standard for online security from trusted vendors. Universal Life Secrets is backed with a 60 Day No Questions Asked Money Back Guarantee. If within the first 60 days of receipt you are not satisfied with Wake Up Lean™, you can request a refund by sending an email to the address given inside the product and we will immediately refund your entire purchase price, with no questions asked. - ReviewApe - https://www.reviewape.com/?p=14815

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the-scot-blog1 · 7 years

Photo

Today, my social media accounts are filled with memories.

Collages, text posts, pictures; all full of bittersweet tokens from former classmates as we said our final goodbyes to our school years. There were tears, embraces, and an emotional serenade from our Head Teacher. I never thought I would be swaying with my phone torch flying in the air to a balding man’s rendition of Oasis’ ‘Don’t look back in anger’.

For me, it was one of the most challenging days of my life.

The year group had turned out in full, clad in spandex and red capes to tie in with the superhero theme of the day. A super send-off, if you will.

I saw this as an opportunity to execute a pun that I had waited six years to make. For the entirety of my school life, I had been hit with an onslaught of nicknames: Smelly Ellie, Elfnr, Smeleanor, Duffenshmirtz (that was a particularly odd one, I have to admit). But the name I loved most, or rather the one that I could tolerate more than being compared to pungent stenches or evil cartoon masterminds, was Duffman.

And so that is exactly who I portrayed as my superhero alter-ego. A beer-drinking, hip-thrusting, muscley cartoon character with a proclivity for shades and the colour blue – in all honesty, it sounds a lot like regular ol’ me.

Anyway.

Thinking back to that day, I was in a strange place. I was wearing shiny Doc Martens – a gift from my then-boyfriend who was never too far away from my side the entire day. I was surrounded by a group of friends who I had known for around three years, and surrounded by a year group that I had gone through almost all my life with. But underneath the laughter, high-pitched signing and really awful dancing, I was sad.

I had firmed my choice for university but was suddenly in mid-crisis about my excitement to go. I was feeling a nervousness about the future that I had never felt before – I had always been completely sure about what I wanted to do with my life, but now my ambition was faltering, and I had no idea why.

So when we raced down the corridors to reach the crowds gathered in anticipation of the final countdown, I didn’t mind that I almost missed it. I didn’t mind that I was too out of breath to shout the final numbers along with the rest of the school. But I did mind the crippling sensation that gripped my stomach when I exited the revolving doors for the final time, and the watery smile when I said goodbye to the friends I would more than likely see in days to come.

Although it was our final day, we still had exams to sit in the coming month. But they were over just as quickly as they began, and I found myself drifting from people I once called my best friends. I was falling out of love in the most horrible way, and distancing myself from a boy I had spent three years with.

Graduation came, and amongst the shakiness I felt walking up on stage to shake hands with the Head Teacher and accept the shield for leadership, it was a weirdly triumphant day.

Prom was next, and with it came some sloppy steak pie and blistered feet. It was the last full day I spent in a proper relationship.

School was officially over after that, and I had hardly even recovered from my teeny hangover before I was plunged head first into the adult world.

So I did what any normal person would do – I packed my bags and ditched Scotland for a month of travelling in Australia. It was terrific; I met up with my brother who I hadn’t seen in around a year and we spent a month laying on beaches, touring the Gold Coast and passing out after nights spent giggling at bars and trying (and failing) to talk about the meaning of life.

Sydney. June 2016

Although I returned without a tan, I came back to Scotland as an entirely new person. I had finally felt what it was like to be independent – with nothing to tie me down to any specific place, I came out of my shell in Australia, spontaneously planning day trips and not caring what time I would come home. And so I knew what I had to do the minute my plane touched down.

It was the next day, and I had tears streaming down my face when I closed his front door behind me. After three years, it was time to call my relationship quits. My time spent abroad had taught me not to let anything – or anyone – hold me back. I wanted to completely reinvent myself – I had an entirely clear slate, and I wanted to begin writing my story alone.

I decided it was best to distance myself from my friends, who I was now sharing with the guy I had just left. It seemed to be the best move – I had friends in other circles, but it seemed as though his options were limited to our immediate friend group.

I lost a great friend in that same week, stemming from a drunken mistake and a showing of true colours come morning. But I found that I didn’t have anybody to talk to about how low I felt.

Conflict had arisen between myself and former friends, and although some made me feel welcome, it was time to move on. Bitchiness began on both sides, with Twitter being used as a catalyst to express feelings rather than confrontation and talking in person. But soon the time for reconciliation had passed – we had reached the point of next to no return, and I found myself well and truly alone.

I began working behind the counter in the nearby McDonald’s, where I met some pretty great people. There was the guy who always asked why I read on my breaks and the girl who said my butt didn’t look as big in my trousers as hers did. I still don’t know whether that was a compliment or not. I worked there for two months, earning a semi-decent wage and using it to fund my obsession with food and books.

I gained a whole load of weight in those two months, what with the free meals on my McDonald’s shifts and the murderous hours spent sitting in my bedroom doing absolutely nothing. I felt myself slowly slipping into a depressive state, with a sense of sadness I hadn’t felt since my earlier years at school. But the worst of it was I couldn’t open up to anybody about it.

I was hung-over as hell when I applied for a job at a Scottish television firm. It was a spontaneous decision – a decision that took around six hours to complete.

I’m not ashamed to say that I completely forgot about my application after it was sent. I had only found out about my dream job on its deadline, and I had accepted the fact that I was probably already at the bottom of the pile, ready to be chucked into the bin when another applicant was chosen in my stead.

I focused all my energy onto university; I was starting in less than two weeks time and had only bought half of the syllabus and didn’t nearly have enough books or sticky notes. I was browsing for the third text on my list when I got the call inviting me for an interview at the job I had almost forgotten about.

It was as if I was woken up from a month-long sleep. My stomach was filled with an excitement and anticipation that I hadn’t felt since my godson was born. Nothing had gone right in my life for several months and yet there I was, sitting on my blue spinny chair with the biggest grin on my face.

The interview came and went three days after the phone call. I had spent three hours deciding on an outfit from a choice of a few black tees and black skinny jeans before I realised I needed more clothes. My depressive state had affected the way I dressed, acted, felt – I hadn’t taken more than five minutes of my time to work on my hair in months.

After the interview, there was another waiting spell. There were other applicants to be interviewed, they had said. My lack of confidence came back in full force, and my elation was soon replaced with resignation at not being good enough to act on my dreams.

But this was not to last. The day my phone broke was the day that HR was trying to call me to confirm my acceptance of the position. When they eventually got hold of me, I cried. I cried for a solid day, and it was as though each tear that fell was taking with it every depressing thought, every ounce of anxiety and every bit of self-hatred I had for myself.

So here I am now.

I’m sitting on my lunch break in the middle of April, sipping on a kale, apple and lime smoothie and laughing when I remember how I used to be.

Since September, I’ve worked in my dream position for over eight months. I’ve made friends with people I had only ever seen on television or who I only knew from the tiny Twitter icons on my computer screen. I am eating healthier, and have managed to lose a drastic amount of weight from constantly walking and doing the occasional gym session. My skin has cleared, and I cut my hair in a way that everybody always said would never suit me, but I’ve never been more in love.

I’m more expressive, and I’ve taken to initiating conversation instead of shying away from even the slightest hint of social interaction. I laugh louder and no longer cover my mouth to hide my wonky teeth and tiny lips.

I reconciled with my best friend, who I hadn’t spoken to for around half a year after a particularly nasty falling out the year before.

I paid for my entire family to go to Disneyland and I didn’t have one ounce of buyer’s regret. We spent a fantastic week there, even though I forgot to bring a pair of shoes.

I was there for my family when we found out my brother has cancer, and I managed to put a family feud behind me to help support them.

I haven’t been in a relationship for almost a year now, and I’ve never felt more committed in my life. I’ve thrown myself into work, photography and writing, and I can’t help but feel completely and utterly proud of myself.

Ever since I left school, it’s been quite a journey. But after the heartache, loneliness and depression, I came out in a new form; a form I had only ever dreamed of achieving. And I can’t wait to look back like this again next year, and see where on Earth I’ve ended up.

I left school a year ago today. What’s happened? was originally published on Ellan

#Ellan blog #Elle Duffy #Scottish bloggers #Scottish blog #Travel blog #Lifestyle blog #Scottish travel #Personal blog #Scottish girl

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subwaysoprano · 7 years

Text

DEPRESSION IS REAL, or The Time I Forgot to Sing - a Tale of Reluctant Triumph (?)

"It's so difficult to describe depression to someone who's never been there, because it's not sadness." - JK Rowling

I’m here today to talk to you about something I’ve never before addressed, something that has affected people all over the world unknowingly for centuries, something that has recently come into my life in such a profound way, it makes me quote the Mistress of Darkness - yes, my friends, it has brought me to quoting JK Rowling - the D-word.

Depression.

(I know I may have lost some of you already, so sorry if you were hoping for a different D-word. I’m sure there are other blogs that can help you there.)

Depression has been a hot-button issue on millennial news sources for the last few years, and something that’s been around a lot longer. Until recent years, depression was known in most societal circles as “the blues,” and was something you were expected to snap out of. People dealing with depression were viewed more as having an attitude problem - something they could control through the use of positive thinking, “deciding” they wouldn’t be depressed - rather than a condition out of their control. Breakthroughs in psychiatric and mental health, and the recognition of the science as a legitimate practice, have shed light on depression in more recent years, and while the word and the condition still carry a stigma, it’s recognized and more widely accepted that depression is a disease and a mental disorder, out of the control of the affected, and should be regarded and treated as any other disease.

Still, as with anything that can’t be seen with the naked eye, those who haven’t dealt with it personally often have a hard time understanding the processes of dealing with depression. If you were to tell someone you had chicken pox, and they said they didn’t believe you, you could easily show them your rash; if you tell someone you have depression, and they don’t believe you, that’s kind of where that conversation stops. And like chicken pox, if you’ve never had it, you’re relying on the stories and visuals that have been provided to you to help you understand it. You might not know what chicken pox feels like, but you’ve seen people in movies who’ve had it, and they’re itchy and have red bumps all over them, and you feel good about understanding what that must be like. You may not know what depression feels like, but you’ve seen people in movies go through a particularly rough breakup, and when their friends bring over a bottle of Pinot and a VHS chick-flick, they tsk tsk their grieving girlfriend-in-a-ratty-bathrobe and say “poor thing, she’s depressed.”

In many ways, I was guilty of this. As anyone who knows me personally or even peripherally knows, I’ve had a rough couple of years. A lot of the changes thrust upon me were unexpected and difficult to face, and at times, brought on some of the darkest days of my life. In those moments, I had encouraged myself to embrace the fact that I was depressed - “of course I was depressed,” “who wouldn’t be depressed?”- and let myself wallow. When it was time to be done wallowing, I took my sadness and anger outside and was “depressed” in front of people. I’M ANGRY AND I WANT TO TALK ENDLESSLY ABOUT THIS SITUATION I’M IN, AND THAT’S OKAY, BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED.

Another thing people who know me probably understand right away: I’m really fucking impatient. I would say this has something to do with the Internet providing us all with what we want the instant we want it, and I’m not used to waiting for things, but my parents can attest that that isn’t true - if I couldn’t accomplish something I set out to do right away, I flipped out. (Learning to jump rope, for example? Super fun.) As an adult, when I’m in a bad situation, I immediately jump to how I can get out, and all the things I come up with need to happen NOW. So after my wallowing months - even during, to some degree - I jumped to how I could get myself back on top. I had a million different plans and I set them in motion right away. Part of the dark changes that happened opened me back up to singing more, and I jumped into that too - practicing more often, concentrating on getting myself back out there after the strange hiatus I’d taken. I made a lot of progress on my own, took more auditions than I had in the past, gave myself musical goals to reach and started seeing results. Other projects had specific goals that were harder to meet, and with each conscious effort toward the goal, when I’d fail, I’d look back at what I’d done and be frustrated that the work that had led me there hadn’t gotten me where I’d wanted to be.

I was sad. But I was moving.

About three months ago, in a different phase of my life, and frustrated with where I was professionally and personally, I decided it was time to stop talking about all the things I wanted to be different and actually do them. I started paying more attention to what I was eating, started exercising more often, made a conscious effort to put time aside in my day to do creative things I kept saying I would do that I never got around to actually doing, I started meditating. Making myself do these things wasn’t a problem, as I was sure I’d be making progress, and what progress I didn’t see right away, I could see up the road.

Musically, I’d told myself I would learn certain roles I’d always wanted to - not because I was assigned them or had to, but because I wanted to delve into the characters and the music - I would work on aspects of my voice I’d always wanted to improve and said I would. I had started diligently practicing these things and was seeing results, both in how great it was to get lost in a score, and seeing parts of my voice getting stronger as I leaned on the practice.

The dumpster fire that was 2016 slowly extinguished with Mariah Carey’s bizarre New Year’s Eve performance, and the start of 2017 seemed like the perfect official kickoff for all the things I said I was going to do. I’m a big believer that you don’t need a reason to start a resolution, but having a gun shot at the beginning of a race can be helpful to give you that starting line. Though some of the things I’d been doing for weeks, “2017 is my year,” I said to myself in the most cliched tone I could, and set out to prove it.

I made it a week. I can’t tell you what changed, but the routine I had put myself in was upset, and when I got to the other side of the upset, I couldn’t get myself back on track. I had spent a weekend eating crap, and eating not-crap seemed impossible. I’d given myself some time off to veg and watch movies, and couldn’t get myself to exercise.

Who cares, right? Get back on the horse then. Force yourself like you did before. Consciously, that thought made sense to me, but I realized that something felt different. When I’d have the thought “just get through the first couple of days,” it felt like someone was calling the words to me through a thick fog. I didn’t care about getting anything done, at my dumb job or in my New Me plan, I had trouble remembering things. The thought of going home and doing literally anything but lying on my couch, watching My 600-Lb. Life, seemed excruciating. Telling myself I’d go home and read a fucking book was like being told I was grounded as a kid. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t angry. It went beyond not wanting to do anything - I simply couldn’t.

I think the lightbulb really went on my second straight week of either not practicing or practicing poorly. I had been a month since I’d applied for anything; where two months ago I’d had auditions lined up every couple of days, I now had one in three weeks and rolled my eyes at the thought of it. When I did practice, I made it about twenty minutes before I made up an excuse as to why things weren’t going my way that day, and told myself I’d try again the next day. Every day my voice felt much like my head - it was like I was singing through a fog, like nothing felt connected. Every note felt forced and manufactured. Not bad, and not good - it was like it wasn’t even happening. As I realized how apathetic I felt toward the process, I thought about the days when I’d been driven toward results, either physically or musically, in my practice, and how actually good I’d felt achieving them, or even the days when I’d pushed myself a little too hard and things hadn’t gone right, how frustrating that had been. I could hear my voice, completely unremarkable, and all I could do was shrug. How strange.

It was these moments, when everything seemed gray and fuzzy, and the fact made me sad enough to notice it, but not sad enough to do anything about it, that I realized: depression is real and it sucks in ways I had not realized.

This is what the movies don’t tell you: imagine you decide you’re going to stab yourself in the thigh with a dinner fork. You look down at your leg, you raise your arm high, and you plunge that mutha into the muscle as hard as you can. The pain is totally unbearable - there’s nothing worse than feeling that pain, right? Wrong. Imagine now that you plunge that fork as hard as you can, and you can see it sticking out of your leg, but you can’t feel anything. And you stare and you wait, and you know you’re supposed to be freaking out, but you feel nothing. Now THAT’S worse.

In the days of my sadness-anger - sadger? Sanger? - I was all emotion; you could put a sweeping score to a Doritos commercial and my mascara would be running down my face in about 4.5 seconds (wait, that’s still true...). Everything was bright colors and pain, and it sucked, but it was unmistakeable, and it fueled me in many ways. I practiced harder, and the days that I didn’t succeed, I felt the failure and made choices from there. If anything, I wasn’t depressed - I wasn’t pushed down - I was flying high. It was easy to mistake the pain of my feelings for depression, because the feelings were sad, but they were clear.

This emptiness, though, was a different beast. Not wanting to do anything - whether the motivation had been out of anger or joy - and having no feeling about it was much more terrifying than feeling something bad. And what scared me more was that I could feel it in my singing, like that tickle in your throat turning into a full blown cough, verifying that you really do have the disease. I’d never been in this kind of fog before, and it made every other moment I’d complained to myself at how unhappy I was seem like clips from a Disney movie in comparison.

I can’t say this post ends with a pot o’ gold at the end of my depression rainbow - there’s no profound moment here, but I will say that putting a little “Hello, My Name Is ______” sticker on my problem made it a lot easier to face each day. I would tell myself it was time to practice, I’d open my mouth and noises would come out, and I’d think “you’re in the fog now.” And knowing I was in the fog at least gave me the mild motivation to turn on a beacon of some kind, try to push myself through it - maybe not to make it to shore, but at least to get closer to it. And having a little respect for the now-named monster has helped me understand how serious this disease really can be. If the worst that’s happened to me is that I’m bored with my own voice, I’m lucky. But I can’t say I fully understood how this disease could affect someone until I had to find a way to get through the things I loved like they were chores.

If you’ve struggled with this - as a musician or just a humanoid - you don’t have to struggle alone. In my case, I was (am?) able to lift my eyebrows and say “okay, swim to shore, swim to shore” and slowly pull myself out. Maybe there will be days when I can’t get to shore; maybe there will be days when I can’t swim at all. Maybe I’ll forget how to swim altogether, and will need to reach out a hand. However the beast affects you, you can find a way to get yourself back to where you need to be, and there’s no shame in asking for help doing it.

And until I figure out a better way to cope, I’ll apply my learning of a score to Pamina, who I feel makes more sense as a character if she’s diagnosed depressed than anything else. Art imitates life, right?

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