#im trying not to see this as a relapse in my recover because i know this is a normal reaction to grief for me

[wannaeatramyeon]

i have a silly little (very angsty) idea but im not sure if its what you would be comfortable writing so please ignore this if youre not up for it!

im thinking of gun, goo, samuel, vasco, and eli (seperately + remove anyone u want if its too many) with a recovering addict reader who they thought was clean but had actually relapsed awhile ago and they find out (whether its bc reader ODs, they catch reader high, they find readers stash, whatever reason)

sorry if this is a sensitive subject, they j tend to help me a lot, thank you in advance whether you write it or not.

TW: Substance recovery

Hi Anon, I hope you are doing ok. Stay strong, you can do this. Please ping me if you ever want to talk or vent. I really wasn't sure about writing this because my experience is sorta limited. But hopefully this helps.

Lookism Boys helping with Recovery

Gun, Goo, Samuel, Vasco, Eli

You've felt the symptoms of withdrawal before; the cold sweat, the nausea, the shaking. This isn't the first time you tried to quit but you hoped it was the last.

However, all this was caused by your boyfriend standing in front of you. Your body violently registers what is in their hand before your brain can. Your stash, your just-in-case, and you want to throw up.

You slump to the floor, head hanging in shame. Too ashamed and guilty to meet their eyes, to find disappoint and anger at the promises you've broken.

Gun has seen a lot of things in his life so far. A lot of people addicted to a lot of things, and himself is no different. He thinks about the cigarettes in his pocket, and his own unhealthy obsession with fighting - that he is very willing to give his life up for.

With you, he understands the struggle, the pull. The battle everyday.

"Y/N," he says, crouching down next to you and taking your hand in his.

Your name is soft on his lips, and finally you meet his jet-black eyes. To your surprise you see no judgement.

Gun places a tender kiss on your forehead, "What can I do?"

"Princess-" Goo starts, and he can see you flinching. He can be unrelenting with his sharp words but he would never- Never with you, and never when you're so vulnerable.

His voice softens, "Have you been-"

He doesn't need to finish your sentence and you're already vehemently shake your head. You need to let Goo know that it's not what he thinks. You haven't been using, you've just been keeping that around.

And now you think about the words to explain yourself, you realise how stupid that sounds.

The silence stretches.

"Hey," and Goo is next to you, an arm around your shoulder, "I want you around for a long time and a good time, ok?" He wipes the tears from your cheeks. "Your Goo-bear is here for you."

Samuel crouches down next to you, but you still can't bring yourself to look at him.

With careful hands, he tilts your face up to meet him and thumbs away your tears.

"You haven't?" he asks, and you say no, leaning into the comfort of his palm.

Samuel thinks about what he can do, and after a beat, announces that he's going to take some time off work. Your immediate thought is he's trying to keep an eye on you, he needs to babysit you, he doesn't trust-

"Y/N." And that stop your brain from spiralling. He knows you too well. "You're not alone."

Samuel presses a kiss to each of your eyelid, kissing the tears away, "I think we both deserve a break. Why don't we go away somewhere together?"

Old Vasco would react with anger and disbelief. Now, after talking to you, after educating himself, he tries. He really tries.

Something he had to do without Jace, or any of the Burn Knuckles because he wouldn't betray your trust like that.

And the more he reads, the more he understands. Sort of. Vasco still sees the world in black and white, but more and more shades of grey are entering.

"Is there more?" he asks, and you shake your head. "I'm just going to..." he trails off, binning everything he found before he seeks you out again.

It kills him to see you struggling, to struggle everyday. he wants to support you anyway he can.

"I'll never fully understand but. Y/N. I want to help."

Eli has made many mistakes in his life. He thinks about Heather, he thinks about Hostel, he thinks about Olly and his own drug use.

But you and him, that's not a mistake. That's so far from a mistake.

"I didn't know you were still using," and you hear the question in his voice. His desperation to prove him wrong

"I'm not!" You deny, and it's the absolute truth.

Not since Eli and not since Yenna. And with Eli, the unfortunate reality is that his love for you is contingent on this.

That he won't allow anything like this around his daughter, and you can't blame him.

"Y/N," and his eyes soften when you meet them, "I'm really proud of you."

#lookism #lookism fic #lookism webtoon #lookism manhwa #lookism x reader #gun park #gun park x reader #goo kim #goo kim x reader #samuel seo #samuel seo x reader #vasco #euntae lee #euntae lee x reader #vasco x reader #eli jang #eli jang x reader #wannaeatramyeon

[confessions-official]

Cw addiction

This year is so fucking exhausting so far. I love my life, im happy where im at etc etc but–

Im a recovered alcoholic and last week an acquaintance i see way more often that i'd like was confirmed to have a relapse (also alcohol related) by a mutual friend and that fucks me up every time i see them. I talked to that acquaintance before they relapsed, and they still showed up drunk several times where i could see, in spaces we both frequent, even knowing we're both in the same boat. I would never do that to them. Never.

Another person contacted me to meet, who i broke up the friendship with because he kept trying to whine to me about his new boyfriend's alcohol dependency. So i did meet him, thought id give him a chance. Well, he spent 3 hours crying and trying to guilt trip me, and then infodumping some more on how he's managing his boyfriend's alcoholism now, and that said boyfriend came home shitfaced and after taking too much benzo and like. I dont care. Or rather, i care too much, im tired, ive been sober for almost 10 years now is it too much to ask that people leave me tf alone with that topic? How often do i have to say the cravings never go away? Whenever im stressed my first instinct is always to get drunk, and its hard and exhausting to resist that! Harder when every fucking one keeps reminding me! I just wanna be left alone!

This evening my flatmate had guests, who brought, ofc, alcohol into my home! After i even threw all my cooking alcohol away this weekend, just to be safe! And i know the guest couldntve known, but im just so stressed.

Flatmate poured it all down the drain after the guest left, and im very grateful, but i also feel like someone is raking nails down my brain.

Anyways. Im fine, and i will continue to be fine. I just wish people would respect my boundaries.

.

#confession

[elegantcherryblossomsheep]

an open letter to anyone early in a restrictive ed

Dear sufferer

Note that I started this letter with sufferer. You are not succeeding. You are suffering. And I know this, because well, of course there are fantastic feelings associated with having anorexia. Theres the excitement of losing weight, of feeling your body shrink, of feeling in control. But I know that really, deep down, what you’ve started isn’t making you happy.

What do I mean by that? Well honestly, the early days of an ED are such a rush. But it doesn’t take long for the bad things to start popping up. You start to feel isolated, and not only do you feel that way, but you want to feel that way. Because if you’re alone no one can stop you. Because you don’t need friends. You have anorexia, and she’s your friend.

And things only get worse. Believe me. You start to feel intense fear. It’s not control. It’s not discipline. It starts that way, sure, but then it morphs into an uncontrollable terror, where the mere sight of food petrifies you and the thought of eating paralyses you, you shake and struggle at every meal. The control you had over food becomes control food has over you. And this suffering is made even more intense by the fact that deep down, you’re hungry. You want food, it tastes delicious, and it brings a level of mental stimulation nothing can compete with. I really do think I became addicted not only to fearing food, but to eating it while afraid.

And this decline may only take 2 weeks, or a month or two. But the process of building yourself back up again can take years. I’ve been levitating between recovery and relapse for the last 2 years, unable to pick a side, grit my teeth and get to it. That’s the other torture of it. The constant uncertainty about what you want. Because on some level you want to recover. You want to eat with freedom, to make peace with your body. But the eating disorder wants to get louder, stronger, it lures you in with promises. You’ll feel amazing.

But do you? You reach a milestone and for a moment, you’re euphoric. You’re getting thinner, you’re losing weight, you’re strong, powerful, special. Remember that special, we’ll come back to it. But think about the moment after the success. The way you’re instantly thinking of the next goal. Nothing is ever enough. I reached out for help at my goal weight, because I knew right then, I wasn’t satisfied. I could see the slippery slope. Maybe you have a plan: ‘ill eat to maintenance at my goal weight. I’ll have my dream body; I’ll want to show it off!’

Spoiler alert: you won’t. You’ll hide it even more because you’re still not fucking happy with it. And you’ll be afraid that if anyone sees how unwell you look, they’ll force you to eat more. Not only that, you’ll be too cold to wear shorts or crop tops, you’ll be cold all the time. You won’t have the energy to go out in the first place, all you’ll want to do is sleep and scroll and go for inordinately long walks. It’s not a life, the life of an active ED. It’s the most depressing, isolating thing I have ever experienced.

And you tell yourself, that’s ok. When I reach my goal weight if im not happy I’ll  just gain it back.

Like hell you won’t. Either you’ll think ‘Ok, I just have to lose a little more, and then I will be happy’. But you won’t. And eventually if you’re lucky, you’ll turn to recovery at some point. You’ll try to eat more, but you’ll panic. You’ll have nightmares of full plates of food, sitting in front of you, knowing you’ll eat them. The process of eating more, gaining weight… It’s tough. Almost impossible to do alone. So maybe you’ll find yourself in hospital. You’ll be forced to eat 6 meals a day, to face that fear. You want be allowed to exercise, you’ll be even more isolated from your friends and family. You’ll wonder why you ever fell down the slippery slope into a pit of despair that’s so hard to get out of.

Or maybe you won’t… and that’s ok, it makes you strong, you’re still sick. I remember spending the first 6 months of my anorexia feeling like I wasn’t sick enough to recover because I’d never had an admission. To be fair, after my first admission I did commit to recovery for a while, but it didn’t last. My admission didn’t make me sick enough. It didn’t  give me permission to eat. Sure, it made me less sick, but it wasn’t a badge of honour.

And still I didn’t feel sick enough. I started thinking – ‘ok. I need a medical admission and a nasogastric tube’. Here I am, in that very position. I don’t feel sick enough. The tube hurts all the time. I just want to go home

I think an element of it is that my ED, being sick, being in hospital and needing countless admissions… it all made me feel special. I felt noticed, loved and cared for. Maybe I didn’t feel that way enough growing up, so I snatched up the one way I could think of to get attention – making myself sick. However, this isn’t the way I wanted to be seen. To watch my family as they watched me get sick, to see their pain and anxiety and worry, was torture. I feel immense guilt every day for the distress I have put them through over the last 2 years, and to know I make the choice to keep putting them through that.

It's not just family and friendship that it hurts, either. I was in a relationship for 2 years. I lost her, because she couldn’t bear to deal with my ED any more. My antidepressants (for depression sparked by my restriction) killed our sex life and my anorexia made her, with her own ED, more worried and more unwell. I had to let go of someone who made me so happy because I made her so sad.

But there’s an elephant in the room I haven’t mentioned, mainly because I don’t think I’ve internalised it, don’t think I believe it. And that is that at the end of the day, you might die. When I was diagnosed, my heart was struggling. When I was purging, I was disturbing my electrolyte levels. It may all seem like a bit of fun, but at the end of the day, 15% of people with our condition will die at it’s hand. And I don’t want to be one of them. Nor do I want you to be.

I know that recovery helps. I’ve been there. With the nutrition, your brain function comes back. Your relationships get better. Your family calm down and start to trust you again. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s a small price to pay to not only stay alive, but to actually live.

So, I implore you, just think about it. Make a list of everything you value in your life and realise that if you let your ed get worse, you will lose it all.

Good luck.

#anorexia #ed #anorexia recovery #sick enough #@nor3×14 #tw an0rexia #bc #4n #4norexla #recovery #mental health #open letter #tw ed but not sheeran #tw ed #starving #skin and bones #⭐ving

[iliana-the-dreamer]

a message for ed tumblr

to anyone who cares to read - (ed tw)

my girlfriend is my everything. i think she might be the love of my life. she matters to me more than anything else in the world.

over the last few years my mental illnesses have progressed and trauma ive experienced continues to affect me every day. it is really difficult to see an end in sight.

im trying to get into therapy… i haven’t spoken to a therapist since i was in middle school and im nearly 21 now. im trying to work it out with my mom. its been a long time coming. i promised my gf this a long time ago and i need to follow thru on a promise for once in my life this matters more than anything.

i want to graduate college on time. i have been plagued by the fear that my ed and depression will stop me from doing so.

it is so so hard to focus on my future when i feel utterly stuck in my past.

fights with my gf leave me hating myself because i don’t understand why i can’t just get better, recover and be normal. i don’t understand why i have no motivation some days to fight for a better life and am helpless. i am trapped. ive been trapped by the seemingly never-ending pain in my brain and body since 2019.

the symptoms of my ed are severe. i also have chronic illness (diagnosed pots, some other shit autoimmune issues and potentially ehlers danlos, although i have heard that both are associated with eating disorders, scary as that is). i have chronic fatigue and small fiber nerve pain.

i have been around ~10 lb or so underweight on avg for the majority of the past 16 months. im cold all the time. ive lost so much normal control over my bladder and bowels. my brain fog makes it impossible to focus on anything. im miserable. i want my old brain back and i want my life back. i still don’t think of myself as sick enough but the truth is that i never will.

i need to recover.

my body is tired. tired of being mistreated by me. i am (mostly) sh free for almost two years (in january). that is an accomplishment. i need to fight harder against my self-destructive personality.

im in my shitty dorm bed next to my sleeping gf. i know that i need to get better for her. she deserves better. she has brought my greater joy than i had ever known before. i don’t want to imagine my life without her in it with me. she has told me many times that she can’t stay with me if i keep getting worse. she is supporting me in getting better and now is the time. i can’t keep putting it off, i can’t keep letting everyone else pass me by while i put off trying to make a better life for myself. i deserve to eat. every day i deserve to eat. i need to tell myself this every day even though i won’t always believe it.

i have the irrational fear that i won’t stop gaining weight forever. it is irrational. i need to find the weight that my body is happy at because as it stands i don’t know what that is but i know it isn’t where im at now.

i know that i need to fight for myself and for my health to make things right. i fear losing my love more than anything else - much more than gaining weight, even more than death. i don’t think i can forget the look in her eyes as she begged me to stop starving myself. i can’t live with the guilt of hurting her as i hurt myself. i have to break the relapse cycle, i know that i might relapse over and over but i have to try to keep going no matter what. i want a better life for myself and for her.

it is never worth it to do this to yourself. being skinny won’t make you happy. most days i don’t like what i see in the mirror and some days its like i don’t even recognize myself. suffering like this isn’t worth it. that voice in your head wants you to slowly k*ll yourself. you know it’s true. i want to choose to fight it every day for the rest of my life or else i know i can’t truly be happy. if anyone is reading this and needs help or wants to talk please message me.

love iliana

#recovery #ed not sheeren #mental health #therapy #youre not alone #trying to be better #tw depressing thoughts #tw ed sheeran

[thegoblinboy]

OK HEAR ME OUT

So like I’m always writing (I just never post) but like I sort of want to write a one shot (after the long list of shots that I have in my drafts) of Rehab Steddie. Like just imagine the Angst and how perfect it would be.

Tw: mentions of drug use, overdosing and alcoholism

Steve is the one to go in first, after the events of Season four he went a little to hard on the alcohol so he’s in there for that plus his parents found out he was using weed so that’s also on the list of drugs he’s using. So when he goes in he’s scared but it’s nice to know that someone will take care of him. Like the nurses are so nice to him and think he’s a sweet heart.

Then there’s Eddie. He comes in months later. Which within this time Steve is just volunteering at the Rehab and helping out as much as he can with the people there. (Most of them not getting dealt the right hand in life, he avoids the more violent ones of course) of course Steve is still recovering but in a healthier way. So when Eddie comes in he’s shocked. Of course it shouldn’t be a surprise but like Eddie did sell drugs for a long time why wouldn’t he touch some of his supply?

Though it’s heartbreaking to see the boy who didn’t overdose to long ago slowly recover. Eddie has the shakes, gets overwhelmed easily, has a difficult time walking without getting light headed and very very snippy with everyone. So he refuses to talk to anyone. But Steve finally gets the nerve to come up to him as he’s sitting near a window staring off into space. Obviously not watching the birds outside.

Steve lays a purple pair of D&D dice that Dustin gave to him months ago on the table in front of Eddie. Who looks startled and nearly shoves Steve against the wall again. But the thing is Eddie is relieved and surprised that Steve is there as well. Why is pretty boy Steve here of all places. So Steve sits across from him and just pulls out his own sketch book as he starts to do what he used to when he was recovering and just doodle, write every though that pops in his head, draw. So the both of them stay there in silence until Steve has to head home.

But the thing is the two slowly start to get close. Eddie doesn’t talk to much, his mask of being the overly energetic chatter box pulled down. But when he does talk it’s slow and he soft. Steve has to listen close and he can’t help but smile at the stories he’s told. Soon they are playing cards, then candy land, then going outside for walks. Up until the anniversary for when Nancy called him bullshit. Then Steve disappears.

Eddie was really recovering because of the visits and because the staff knows that Steve has problems of his own everyone starts to worry. So a few weeks pass and Eddie’s slowly starting to feel better but he’s now staying there for his mental health as the building is shared.

So it’s to his surprise (and everyone’s) when Steve comes stumbling in the door clearly drunk and stoned out of his mind and it’s clear he’s lost some weight. Though Eddie wants no needs to help his friend. The nurses don’t want to let him but let him help Steve who is slurring every word in tears. Apologizing to Eddie who is shocked that the perfect boy in his eyes was like him.

“I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean to relapse. It just happened- E please don’t be mad at me. I tried so hard.”

LIKE I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS FOR THIS 😭 IM GOING TO TRY WRITING IT SOON THOUGH!

Though please I’m so bored, please start leaving asks in my box and request stuff I love going through it (though I prefer to have short and easy requests as I’m having difficult time writing full one shots so one scene would be easier for me to do :)

#stranger things #strangerthings #post season 4 #eddie deserved better #eddie munson #steve harrington #rehab au #steve x eddie #Steddie #steve harrington needs to be taken care of as well #these boys aren’t mentally okay #mental health matters #I’m going to write it soon hdjdjdjf I just need to do some research okay #Eddie munson is a stoner #possibly triggering

[roses-grossness-bones-and-dirt]

483 calories [consider this journaling fucking feb 8 2024]

today, excluding the 230 for a monster, i have eaten 483 calories. half an orange, some fries, and popcorn chicken. i didnt really have an appetite at the start of eating. i had tried cleaning mine and my partners room but couldn't focus without getting overwhelmed. i figured the emotional bullshit my brain puts me through when i don't eat was the source so i gave in.

i worked out for over an hour yesterday give or take a ten minute break in between. i didn't feel satisfied at the end i just couldn't feel my legs. i didn't feel like i burned enough. didn't hurt enough.

i weigh 169lbs now. i wont update my bio until i get down to 165, though. theres not enough of a difference in 4 pounds for me to care. let alone 5, 6, or 7. if im lucky, i'll forget to weigh myself when im 165 and find myself at 163. ten pounds. the number is so high, that weight drop sounds so drastic in the time given.

this is a road i've been down before, though. i know the first ten pounds is nothing. you cant see it, you cant feel it. it's water. it's old still digesting food. it's anything other than fat, really. at least, thats how i see it.

i try not to count liquid calories because if i did then the endless amount of flavored drinks would mean im meeting a binge worths of calories [honestly just anything over 1000 in my disordered mind] without ever feeling satiated.

sodas have been cut down to one a day the one a day isnt always diet, though. its pathetic, im aware.

again, i've been down this road before. thats what makes this so much harder. the awareness of what normalcy looks like. knowing the hurt i'd be putting those i care about through because ive seen the hurt before. ive caused this hurt before.

still, i push on. i'll start counting again. steps, calories in, calories out if i can manage. i'll do a smaller work out today and a big one tomorrow. i'll keep how im feeling to my brain and journal on tumblr for release so i can postpone the pain ill put my partner through with this relapse.

im not sick enough for them to know. not sick enough to be worried about, really. not to say i want the worry. id rather be worried about anyone and everyone else than have a single person worry about me. i dont want to be sick i dont want to get sick i have too much to do but i cant take the lack of control or the look in the mirror anymore.

when i quit vaping i gained another 20 pounds on top of the 30+ i had gained from recovering initially. this is problematic as a trans man because i went up a fucking cup size. its hardcore awful.

i hope to be 150 by my 21st bday in a few months. 20 pounds isnt much but its my pre-quitting weight. i hope to be 130 by the time my best friend moves. 20 more pounds isnt much but its my pre-recovery weight. i hope to be 115 by the time my lease is up in december. 15 pounds isnt much at all but that was my lowest weight.

its all so unlikely but its the dream, really.

#mental illness #ana trigger #tw ed diet #@na tips #male thinspi #trans ana #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #ed bullshit #st4rv1ng

[pandythoughts]

i'm really fucking proud of staying strong on my sobriety. i slowly feel like im getting further away from the life that held me so far back from what i need. or deserve. its also making me really happy that a lot of my friends are on board. some of them are taking a sober break, and i know a couple who are trying to make it all year. i'm rooting them on every day. for me, im taking it day by day. i've been slightly terrified of recovering from addiction. one of my biggest fears is relapsing and then completely giving up on being sober. i know i can't keep that mindset. i know i need to remind myself that if i do relapse, then thats just the process of recovery and to still go strong even though you slipped. regardless though, right now, i'm happy with how i've been feeling. as a cancer, i was feeling some things super heavily about a month before 2023 ended. now its 2024 and i know this is my year. if i slip up, it's still my year, if i go all year with no alcohol or drugs, its still my year. its my mother fucking year and i'm claiming that. i need to let go of fear, i need to be my own best fucking friend, and i need to grind hard because i spent the last 2 years in active addiction and all it did was get me a dui, put me in jail, in fights at the bar. i quit 2 jobs knowing damn well i had no back up plan. i cant do that same shit this year. i want to see how much potential i have, and what i can do in a year. completely clear headed and sober. <3

[weedinfusedextravaganza]

TW TW TW TW TW RANT TW TW

here's one of the reasons I relapsed unintentionally:

last month, my bestfriends new boyfriend and I had conflict.

angrily, he said: "what, do you fucking think I am calling you fucking fat? Is that what it is? you think im calling you fat" to me in one sentence, and then covered it up with "no, I was never calling you fat, I think you're really fit tbh"

I never said he was calling me fat. I didn't think he was. but my response to something made him think I was. he got really angry. the way he approached me was... terrifying. im going through alot of stress and cptsd from my child/teenhood and past relationships. so having a male yell at me was the last thing I fucking wanted that day.

I dont blame him. but that really fucked me up. I hate that it did. because I tried to not let it. because im far beyond these days. Ive been "recovered" for 2 years maybe now. but this whole month ive been just unintentionally suffering the words "Fat" yelled at me aggressively so many times as I also try to convince myself to ignore that nothing on me is fat but bc he said it so many times in that sentence it just felt like he damn well fucking was.

I do NOT care for what he thinks of me, or what I look like. this relapse is NOT about him. he is NOT the fault for it. he just. rubbed some salt in my wounds.

he apologised in thee most manly gaslightly way possible but I dont forgive that easily. and my bestie ... told me to apologise to him. which made me feel really disregarded. wich makes me scared for her too. there are things Im seeing that she does not.

theres already been enough mental/physical torment on my plate. depression, as well as alot of anxiety and adhd causing so much physical strain on my body.

im already seeing alot of changes in my body. as well as the symptoms of my IBS being REALLY triggered again. shitting water or constipated as fuck depending on my moods is really fucking draining. yes I like what I see... yes... im getting skinny again. yes... but. I didnt want this before.i stopped wanting to be skinny before this for a while. I was happy with loving every inch of myself for real.

what he said is NOT the main reason for my relapse. but I know THEY are going to think so. and that, I am afraid for. the embarrassment is already there.

this whole thing still makes me fucking sick.

#tw ana diary #tw ed #tw ana shit #tw disordered eating #ed not sheeren #ed vent #ed #ed not ed sheeran

[m00nlit-fl0wers]

me: red

jack: blue

greys staying at his fucking house

what the fuck

he lied to me...

about?

everything..

his face is fucking fine, his dads not drunk, everything

what

the

fuck

this absolutely fucking broke me nuri

i fucking hate him

jack

i know you love him but fuck i hate him

i cant do this shit.

i fucking cant

jack, everything will be okay

maybe not now

but it will be

what if they hate me now

grey?

i was trying to help. i didnt know what else to do. i'm js a kid. i still love them

i still fucking love them

god

what is wrong with me

i knwo you still love him

I hate myself so much

nothing is wrong with you

everything is fucking wrong with me

im a mess

i fuck up all my fucking friendships, i relapse, i cant get sober, i cant hold a relationship, i cant trust people, i cant do anything right. god I want grey to love me still.

jack you are and always will be completely perfect even if others dont see that and take it for granted, i will always see it

and i know you do an i know how hard this is

but you will get through it

you dont fuck up anything

these fucked friendship and relationships are not your fault

these people take advantage of you and make you think the problems of whatever relationship you guys had is your fault

but I still love him

why do i stil llove him

your relapses and not staying sober, those are completely normal things that do happen. to anyone trying to recover from anything

and you live him because even though he did a fucking terrible thing, sometimes it takes longer for that to changewhen someone loves someone sometimes even if they do the worst shit ever they continue to love them

Im always going to love him

no matter how much or how badly he fucks up

what if i lose him

or what if he hates me now

he doesn't deserve you.

idc.

i dont fucking deserve him. not vise versa

what you dont deserve

is for people, especially him, to treat you like this.

i wish i could undo this fucking night

god i wish i could fucking go back in time and force my dad to wear a fucking condom atp

there is more on insta dms too .

i fucking hate all of this

this was supposed to be a day for me and kade to hang out and idfk atp

but today was supposed to be good

today was okay tbh

yeah my dad fucking sucks

but

everything wasnt that bad

but then this shit happened

[noc10h12n2o]

hi, me again. just thought it might be nice to do another little update, since its been four years since my last one. i still think about this blog, and by extension this part of my life, sometimes. i guess it would be kind of hard not to.

anyway uhh i moved to a different country? i have a job and im in the process of getting my masters degree. i also rent my own apartment, in a city that i love and allows me to explore an inner peace ive never felt beforehand.

also clean and sober. its coming up on my four year anniversary for most of it. i did slip up a couple of months after my last update but it was managed. covid also wasnt entirely easy, and i think i share this sentiment with a lot of addicts when i say that quarantining came with a lot of triggers. i relapsed on alcohol for a while but thats also under control.

im not going to pretend its all easy and amazing. the older i get, the more i realise how truly fucked up it all was. i feel a lot of guilt for the things i did, and anger towards the people in my life for how they treated me. i look at people now, who are the same age as i was when i was going though what i went through, and i honestly have no idea how i did it. i think moving away burst the bubble i was living in since i began recovering, because before where i would have felt proud of myself for getting through it, now i just feel sad that i even had to. i also think the new life im building has a part to play in that, because the more i share with people, the more my experiences are put into perspective through the eyes of people who are not desensitised. a few months ago was the first time someone took the time to hold me and tell me i did not deserve it.

in that same vein, i am learning how to open myself up to people again. i am no longer interested in being the mysterious enigma that never gets close to people, the person that everyone wonders about. i am also learning how to let all the love in my life in. something that was said to me almost ten years ago now has haunted me and followed me. someone once told me that he was convinced i was incapable of love unless i was high, and no one would ever love me if i wasnt. since he said that, i have unknowingly carried those words with me. i really honestly truly believed i was soulless and unloveable, and had this belief confirmed by others who took my vulnerability and used it against me. because of that, i see now that i have allowed myself to become an entirely fearful pessimist, believing i was doing a kindness to the world by not letting anyone love me, and by not loving in return. but thats no way to live a life, and that realisation takes years to build up, a second to recognise, and even more years to undo. i am on the undoing side of it, but it is definitely not easy. sometimes it feels like a really sincere apology from the people who fucked me over would go a long way, but i have had to make my peace that that will never happen, and instead take up that role as the apologiser to myself.

im trying to think about how to sign this out, because im afraid that this update is a lot less upbeat than my last one, but honestly i dont know how many people are going to even see this. i check every so often and my art still gets notes, maybe 20 or so a month, but my follower list is a ghost town which i do think is a positive thing.

even though this might be less upbeat, i still think it is important to share, because yes recovery is not linear. if i had written this post another day, it could have been sunshine and rainbows because sometimes it is. but the reality is you are going to be mad sometimes. you are going to want to hold your younger self and cry it out together. life is going to feel harsh and cold and mean. but it isnt always. the bad times get further away, and good times fill your present more. you learn to forgive yourself, and you learn that there are new people out there who would never do what the old people did. and as time goes on, the tally of days you wake up and think "everything is going to be okay" gets larger and larger.

[hey-hamlet]

Can we hear more about some of your SVSSS AUs? I’m particularly curious about how the linked souls/dreams one would play out, but they’re all intriguing!

YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE PERSON I LOVE YOU

AHeM-

YES YOU MAY

OK SO! Linked Souls! Sickly!Shen Yuan because im projecting a little bit, hes also around 4 years younger than Shen Jiu. When Shen Jiu turns four years old, he starts having hazy dreams of a soft, warm bed, a full stomach, but constant fevers and aches. He feels bitter - not even his dreams let him really enjoy anything. Its quiet and mostly formless until Shen Yuan learns to talk - they gain the ability to talk to eachother, like riding passenger in a car, able to talk and watch but not interact. Shen Jiu learns to read better than any of the other slaves, and teaches Yue Qi everything he learns.

 He tells Yue Qi about Shen Yuan, and Yue Qi believes him because he’d always believe his Xiao Jiu. Shen Yuan likes his Qi-ge a lot, and likes him even more when he sneaks Shen Jiu sweets ‘for a-yuan to taste’

When Shen Jiu turns 11, he’s taken by the Qius. He feels scared and guilty, because Shen Yuan will feel this too, no matter that the little brat didn’t deserve it. He was still too soft and naive, this might break him. He begs Shen Yuan to find a way to leave, but he refuses to leave his ‘big brother’ all alone.

3 years pass, Yue Qi never comes back. Shen Yuan gets sicker and sicker, and Shen Jiu fears that one of them will die before the year’s end - either from sickness or Qiu Jianluo. Qiu Jianluo tries to touch Shen Jiu one night and he snaps, killing the man and everyone in his way on the path out. He might have grit his teeth and borne it if he was alone, but he’s not letting Shen Yuan get hurt like that.  

Shen Jiu doesn’t go with Wu Yanzi after Shen Yuan begs him not to - the man is scum, and while Shen Jiu might be scum himself, Shen Yuan is soft and sweet, he doesn’t deserve to see a man so vile. Cultivating from manuals he steals from people who are likely scammers, he ends up at the immortal alliance conferance. Shen Yuan convinces him to enter - hes too tricky to get himself killed by any of the monsters, and placing anywhere better than the last dregs will be impressive for a 15 year old rouge cultivator.

Wu Yanzi is back! And hes trying to murder Yue Qi, who caught sight of Shen Jiu and froze like a deer in the headlights. Shen Jiu runs him through with a sword he stole from some asshole a few months back and then cries all over Yue Qi’s robes, and then has a very repressed panic attack about getting blood and tears on robes that cost more than his life. 

Yue Qi is also crying! Shen Yuan has no control over Shen Jiu’s eyes but by the way he’s babbling he’s probably also crying! Everyone is crying! 

Yue Qi brings Shen Jiu before his master a bit like a cat presenting a dead bird and Shen Jiu wants to die in a hole a little bit because he’s scruffy and bloody and everyone around him look like peerless immortals. He covers this up by acting as much like a pampered young lord as humanly possible. Shen Yuan is cheering him on internally. 

Shen Jiu is snapped up the the Qing Jing peak master because he’s obnoxiously intelligent and knows a truely frightening amount of characters and some really impressive maths, esspecially considering his lack of formal education (Shen Yuan, internally “Yes Jiu-ge I know, I’m amazing and the light of your life and you’re so grateful to watch my miserable homeschooling lessons”)

Yue Qi explains nothing about why he didn’t come back because! Thats just what the man is like. Shen Jiu is less furious about it and more depressed because having a perminant Shen Yuan in your head helps you develop slightly less violent coping mechanisms. Plus, Shen Yuan can’t hold a grudge to save his life and Shen Jiu uses the fact Shen Yuan missed him as a reason to visit. 

Yue Qi sticks his foot in his mouth a little less. 

Liu Qingge hates Shen Jiu On Sight as usual, and is still convinced hes a murderous little noble snake. Shen Yuan is furious, and Shen Jiu has to fight the urge to laugh at the creative streams of insults he gets running. 

Shen Yuan gets well enough to attend high school in person. He doesn’t really make any friends, but hes not lonely considering the other Shen who, while not there constantly, is basically always there by the time his first lessons start. The running commentry makes it less dull anyway. 

He graduates, applies to university. Shen Jiu becomes head disiple. Shen Yuan finishes his first year of a teaching degree before his illness relapses hard. He gets through another year of part time study before he dies. 

Something in Shen Jiu, now Shen Qingqiu, Peak Lord of Qing Jing, dies with him. His students liken him to a ghost, dressed in mourning white, rising late and sleeping early, but often seen wandering the peak in the dead of night. Yue Qingyuan visits often, but Shen Qingqiu says nothing. 

Liu Qingge, angry at what he assumes is a fit of drama crashes onto the peak in a self rightious rage, challenging Shen Qingqiu to a duel. Thats the only time he ever loses a duel to him. The Yue Qingyuan has to pull them apart, Shen Qingqiu still snarling with rage. 

The news that he deviates that night shocks no one. Yue Qingyuan is frigid with Liu Qingge, and it unnerves the other peak lords. 

Shen Qingqiu has barely recovered from one of the worst Qi deviations he’s ever had when a disiple all but crashes through his door, scared shitless of the half dead looking man who stumbled through the peak’s barriers like so much air. 

Shen Qingqiu doesnt dare hope - Shen Yuan is dead, and a world away at that - but wouldn’t his soul be allowed to pass through the barrier? Shen Qingqiu had never had a problem when they shared bodies.

The man (barely a man, he would be 21 if he hadn’t been dead for 3 months) looks truly awful, feverish and flushed, but Shen Qingqiu know’s that face better than he know’s his own. 

“A-Yuan?”

#i'd kill a man for you #svsss au #svsss #i just worked out my arms are like jelly #painful painful jelly #key to my heart is asking me ab my svsss aus #and i know you asked about all of them kinda? but you got an indepth breakdown of #one way by day and another by night au #i think thats a shrek quote but whatever

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

pls get out of the proana/sweetspo/thinspo/edmemes tags im just trying to see jokes and takes from people who understand what im going through and your shit just makes me feel stressed and guilty about not having recovered yet. i think what youre doing is really sweet and cool and all but can you please not put it in places where it is unwanted and doesn't belong? i get enough of "you need to recover" from my family and friends sometimes i just want to chuckle at a meme about how hard this is without randomly having to have recovery pushed on me more in what was supposed to just be a tag for me and people like me.

sorry for the rant its just. i love that you want to be helpful and positive, but trying to help people who don't want to be helped (by you/on tumblr, not in general) is only going to stress us out further. use recovery tags for recovery things and just let us have our jokes and sarcastic comments to cope with the disorder that's killing us.

Respectfully, I AM a people like you 🙂

I have dealt with anorexia and other mental illnesses for years. I have been severely underweight and suffered serious health consequences due to my eating disorder. I've gone through every phase of having an ED: the honeymoon stage, the love/hate stage, rejecting the very thought of recovery, wanting recovery but being unable to get there, making small steps toward recovery, diving head-first into recovery, quasi-recovery, relapse, and everything in between.

Furthermore, I am currently balls-deep in a relapse and nowhere near ready to recover again (probably because my mental health has gone to shit, since I've been living with my homophobic parents throughout the pandemic and haven't been medicated or in therapy in over a year, but that's another story).

I'm also one semester away from graduating with honors and officially having my psychology degree.

Trust me--I get it.

If I know anything from my university experience and personal experience in the realm of eating disorders and mental illness in general, surrounding yourself with negative/enabling content is not a positive coping mechanism. For instance, you may feel that self-deprecating humor and suicide jokes make you feel better, but what you're really doing is ruminating on your cognitive distortions and reinforcing them through repetition.

Mod Cass originally created this blog without me because they knew I was deep in my anorexia and was spending hours a day scrolling through pro-ana content on Tumblr as a form of psychological self-harm. They hoped I would see one of their posts and it would be a reprieve from the harmful content. When I found out, I was so touched I burst into tears. I wanted to help them do the same for others.

I understand that you do not personally find recovery-oriented content helpful, and that's fine. I'm not always in the mood to be positive either. I am pretty sure we always use recovery hashtags on our original posts, so you can blacklist tags like '#ed recovery' and '#recovery' if you would like, or you can block our blog. You don't have to see our content if you find it hurtful.

-Mod Lia

_________

Hello there! Mod Cass here. In the flesh.

Also in the flesh is my worm.

It it is worm time.

With wormposting hours at its conclusion I would like to thank you for telling me what tags to post the next ten recovery posts in! I'll be making them pronto.

You inspire me.

-mod cass

#pro ana #sweetspo #sweetsp0 #thinspo #edmemes #ask #mod cass #mod lia #og post #og post cmf

[angelnumber27]

You're honestly such a joyful presence. Seeing your posts makes everything seem lighter and I hope I recover from trauma with as much grace and insight as you.

Thank you sooo much <33 im so glad to hear that. Sweet heart, you are allowed to recover from trauma however suits you. I promise that most of the time for me it is very ugly. I think that’s true for most people. It’s so difficult and takes a lot out of you. I try to be transparent on here because it may help someone whos experiencing something similar but by no means do I post everything I am feeling. It is not always graceful. It can get messy. I cry a lot, I have a hard time accepting things, I have days where all I want to do is relapse. I have nightmares. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. Recovery can be ugly and it can be very hard, that’s something you learn in the midst of it. Please don’t ever feel like you’re recovering in the “wrong” way!! Everybody heals differently, and trauma recovery is difficult for everyone who chooses to recover. It can get so bad before it gets so good, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I try to take it one day at a time, I cry when I need to, and try my best to listen to my body. I also fully participate in my own recovery because I know that’s the only way it’s going to work. Sending you so much love and healing 🥺❤️

[jovianjellyfish]

i wonder how far could i go

i have been losing and gaining 10 lbs. doesnt take much for me to lose it, a few days of water fasting washes it away. but im lazy, and have food to eat. 115. my lowest. i just want to see how far i can go if i just try hard enough. 

it pisses me off. arguing to myself why it’s stupid to want to be tiny and it lowkey disgusts me because of the fact i recognized as a child to people on the streets when im thinner. but i can’t bring myself to grow curves anymore. i cant imagine being at the weight i was at pre-transition, when i was “healthy”.

i was recovering. but so many things have been coming to mind. i got a wig recently. i purely see myself as both man and woman, but as neither at the same time. i like to be feminine but the way that everyone treated me entirely different after presenting as feminine... maybe relapsing is for the best, for my dysphoria. covering myself up won’t be bearable for long. it’s hot outside. i dont want to be seen as a girl. i dont want people to treat me differently- its not a nice difference. it’s this excruciating discomfort, knowing that people are looking at me *that way*. the way people did before i transitioned to who i am now. 

whether it’s attraction, envy, disgust, no matter what people feel when they look at me when im feminine, i hate it. it used to make me feel more powerful, my outside appearance having a pull on people. i dont want to be seen like that though. i want my energy to overpower my appearance. so i have to shrink. i guess. thats what my brain tells me anyway. it’s sick but why does it make sense? idk

#🦋 #e 🦋 #🦋 anon #🦋ana

[reyeslonestar]

i didn’t particularly like tk pushing carlos but i remembered tk doing something similar to judd in s1 so i almost see it as a auto response when he gets into certain situations not a great thing but the more i think about it it didn’t feel severely out of character

so my tl;dr is - it’s not out of character, in that it’s not outside of TK’s capabilities, but for it to make sense in the narrative in this episode there needed to be much more groundwork.

if you want to read the full thing, here are the layers that I think make up why this is:

the wrongness and unhealthiness of TK’s behaviour

what was TK actually trying to achieve in that scene?

the lack of lead up to this

the lack of resolution

under a cut so people can avoid this if they need to. and as always all of this is just my opinion.

1. the wrongness and unhealthiness of TK’s behaviour

this was unacceptable behaviour. I know that might be obvious but im still going to say it. TK was completely out of line to push harm onto others, even if he was dealing with stress, fear, or any other emotion. to feel any emotion is completely valid and justified. however, any actions that you take based on those emotions must be considerate of others. being in pain does not justify causing pain to someone else.

2. what was TK actually trying to achieve in that scene?

so ive mentioned this in some of my tags but I think that its more productive to parallel TK’s behaviour in that scene to the bar fight than the judd fight. while the judd fight shows TK’s inclination to a violent response (that he seriously needs to deal with), I think that that particular incident is more of a reactionary response.

on the other hand, in the bar fight and, in my opinion, the scene with Carlos, it’s not that he’s reactionary and looking to lash out, it’s that he's using it in order to provoke someone. he's trying to get Carlos to react, because he wants to get into a fight. thats why he keeps pushing, and keeps asking the same question again - he doesnt actually want an answer, he just wants to piss Carlos off enough to get him to engage. thankfully, carlos has the training and rationale to control the scenario to stop TK really hurting either of them.

3. the lack of lead up to this

so I think this is the biggest thing to think about when we talk about whether this was in character or not. yes we know TK is capable of violent reactions and provoking fights, but that's 1x03 TK. we’re a season and a half on from that point and he’s grown and progressed. he’s shown to be in a pretty good way - he’s in a healthy relationship, he likes his job, he likes his team. the biggest obstacle in his life at the moment is his relationship with Owen, but up until this episode he appeared to be managing that situation - frustrated at times, sure, but I cant think of anything that shows that he would be regressing back to early s1 TK.

TK going to the bar to start a fight in 1x03 came after: the grain silo rescue going wrong because of him, arguing with Carlos at the failed dinner, and then judd challenging him and the subsequent fight. there was a progression of incidents that led to that self destructive and harmful behaviour. and this was all on top of him trying to recover from a recent relapse.

TK trying to provoke a fight with Carlos in 2x12 came after: Owen getting arrested.

and yes, that is a stressful incident, but its a singular incident when he has appeared to be in a healthy environment with a very strong support system around him. and technically you could say that owen’s surgery, and the fact that he turned up late to dinner are part of the strain on TK, but if we are going to count those things, then we need to see the effect that has on TK. currently, we havent actually seen TK struggle until after the incident with Carlos, and so TK behaving like that was really surprising and shocking. it didnt make sense considering the narrative that we’ve seen. if they want to make us understand the characters, we need to see what they’re going through and what their emotional state is. 

4. the lack of resolution

yeah so, as I said above. all feelings are valid - not all actions are. and people should take accountability for their actions. I really would have liked more of a conversation had about this between TK and Carlos, but at the very least I would have liked for there to be less of an implication that Carlos needed to apologise for anything. he actively avoided hurting TK, which included not allowing TK to provoke him into anything. I dont think he had anything to apologise for, whereas TK did - and also TK needs to be getting some kind of help to manage his aggressive behaviours, and to manage whatever stresses on him that are causing him to regress.

tl;dr - it’s not out of character, in that it’s not outside of TK’s capabilities, but for it to make sense in the narrative in this episode there needed to be much more groundwork.

#911 lone star spoilers #a has thoughts #tk strand #episode chat 2x12 #fandom discussion #physical assault cw #violence cw #I dont really know how to tag this properly #so if you want me to add anything let me know #asks?? #anonymous #show analysis #911 lone star

[nagitolovebug]

How did komahina co-parent at first? How was hajimes reaction to the twins? Did bebi like getting siblings

komahina's co-parenting at first was...definitely an Ordeal. not even because of bebi, but bc komahina is a mess. originally hajime was very insecure about his role in bebi's life, as he had very clearly asserted himself as a separate person from izuru and that he was going to live as hajime and not someone else- so wouldn't that make bebi Not his kid? sure, they're his genetically, but in theory.... that was the dilemma he dealt with. he'd already grown attached to them when he was caring for them while nagito was still in a coma and worries now that nagito has woken up, his job is done, and that nagito won't want him around bebi anymore. in turn, nagito is worried that bc hajime is asserting himself as separate from izuru that he doesn't see bebi as his kid and will not be interested in raising them, that bebi will lose their father and nagito will lose his once-husband (lurking somewhere in hajime's subconscious...) turned best friend. they live together right off the bat, sleeping in the same bed (bebi likes to be held by the 2 of them to fall asleep...but even when bebi sleeps in their own bed they didn't think to get separate bedrooms or anything...) and end up becoming very.....affectionate with one another despite their claims that they're purely platonic. they "platonically" hold hands, cuddle, kiss, kiss, and more...intimate things in the cover of night ;) nagito's convinced hajime is just "using him for stress relief" and he's only truly staying bc he'd feel guilty leaving bebi. hajime thinks they're together. this miscommunication is not truly cleared up until hajime proposes. other than that, they both love bebi very very much and spend all their time with bebi, doting on them, playing with them, caring for them.

as for hajime's reaction to the twins- that in itself was also an Ordeal! when nagito found out he was pregnant again, bebi was very sick and in the hospital, which was very hard on nagito as he blamed himself. and he had resigned himself to leaving bebi and hajime, thinking they'd be safer without him in their lives. hajime was an adult who was fully informed of the danger of nagito's luck and had izuru's luck to protect him ! but bebi couldn't consent to that. he did not want to risk hurting his child in any capacity. so he resigned himself to leaving...but the news of pregnancy only devastated him further. to think he'd ruin not only bebi and hajime's lives but the life of another baby (not knowing it was twins lol)....it was too much for him. the plan was to leave the island, suffer through the pregnancy by himself, and come back after the birth to drop their new baby off before disappearing forever.

trans male pregnancy under the cut

bc nagito's carrying twins, the toll on his body during this pregnancy is far worse than it was during despair. he becomes very weak and sickly, especially with the added stress and despair of trying to leave his 'best friend' and kid, his kid being in the hospital,,, he hasn't been taking care of himself. the night bebi returns from the hospital (fully recovered! ...but having finally fully lost their vision in their right eye), hajime catches nagito trying to leave. he'd collapsed on his way out, having gotten incredibly dizzy. he'd left nothing but a note on the nightstand reading, "Be back soon." hajime wakes up to an empty bed and almost (almost) panics, steadies his breaths to the small snores of a sleeping baby in a nearby crib. he finds nagito half unconscious on the beach slumped on a duffel bag. "nagito??? nagito???? nagito!!! oh, thank god" "h...inata-kun?" "yea, it's me, come on, let's get you-" and nagitos eyes clear up and he shoves hajime away. "nagito-?" "stay away from me!" "nagito, you're not in your right mind, let's go back to the cabin-" "...how did you find me." "well, I found your note, which scared me shitless- I had no idea where you were or what had happened to you and frankly, I'm pretty pissed about that, but that can wait until I know you're safe-" "I'm so sorry, hinata-kun, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, hinata-kun, hinata-kun, hinata-kun-" "jeez, I said you can call me hajime... it's alright, relax, i'm not really mad. I was just worried." "you don't understand, you have to get away from me now-" "what are you even doing out here. what's with the bag" "hinata-kun." "....where were you going" "I hadn't decided yet" "why" "I-" "just bc you're in remission, you think you can just do whatever you want? what if something happened to you? goddamn it, you're not bullet proof, nagito! I know you're working on it, I know you're trying, but fuck you're so goddamn selfish! people care about you! I care about you! why can't you just understand that!" "i won't let myself hurt you!" "you're hurting me now!" "this will ruin your life, i will ruin your life-" "im your fucking....best friend, just tell me what's wrong, i can help you-" "nobody can help me, it's too late for me..." "goddamn it, nagito, please-!" and nagitos voice breaks when he whispers. "...i'm pregnant" ".......what" and nagito breaks into a quiet sob "I'm pregnant, hajime, and no one else on this island would dare defile themselves with me the way you have..." "are you serious?" "please don't make me say it again" and maybe if nagito weren't lost in a spiral of self deprecation and if his eyes weren't swimming with tears, he would've seen the nervous smile that broke out on hajime's face, the joy in his voice. "nagito, that's-!" "horrible? disgusting? i know I'm an abomination, hajime, maybe if my pathetic body functioned the way it was meant to-" "don't say that. don't you ever say that" "please just leave..." "you...you were pregnant with our kid and you were gonna leave??? what if you relapsed? what if you needed me?" hajime grabbed his face and forced nagito to look at him. "why are you doing this?" nagito laughed breathlessly, hysterically. "don't worry, hinata-kun, i would have brought them back! i simply didnt want to force you through the despair of having someone as putrid as me being pregnant, knowing that you've procreated with the lowest scum of the earth....surely it would ruin you. besides, i could never take your child from their father. nor would i subject them to my luck...will you let me go now, knowing your child will be alright" "they're your kid too" "for the sake of their sanity I'd rather keep that to myself" hajime steeled his expression, then grabbed Nagito's wrist. "we're going back to the cabin. we'll talk more in the morning." "Hinata-kun, let go of me." "nagito, let's go." "hinata, let go" "I'm not leaving you out here" nagito starts tearing up again and scratching frantically at his own skin. "please" "we're leaving." and hajime picks nagito up (he was

probably still too dizzy to walk anyway). but nagito starts screaming and thrashing and crying and weakly hitting hajime. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, IM GONNA HURT YOU, IM GONNA KILL YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE-" and hajime starts silently crying too but he just holds on tighter and keeps walking. i think they get to the cabin and hajime sets him down on the bed and nagito starts punching hajimes chest (not hard) but hajime just grabs his wrists and holds them tight as nagito struggles and cries softly. "i ruined your life..me and this broken body of mine." "i...love you. you're not broken. I'm not leaving and neither are you." "i hate you..." "you're the best thing that ever happened to me." "I'll kill you..." "you won't." "why won't you just leave.." "why won't you stay." "..." "lets go to bed. we'll see mikan in the morning. get some rest." nagito is still scratching at his skin when hajime pulls him against his chest and forces nagito to lay down with him. "i love you" "im scared..." "i know" "im so sorry.." "i know. it's ok" "it's not" "as long as you're still with me, it is." "you're too kind to me.." "i love you." "how many times are you going to say that." "as many times as it takes for you to believe it." and the conversation pitters off as nagito silently sobs into hajime's chest until he passes out while Hajime rubs small circles into his back and presses kisses to his head. nagito wakes up with his eyes swollen face still tucked into Hajime's chest and he knows hajime's awake bc he can feel his chest vibrating with light hums and soft strokes to his hair. nagito looks up and licks his lips, eyes watering again when he sees hajime's patient gaze, his eyes crinkling in a worried smile, extenuating the eyebags and evident exhaustion. "hinata-kun, i'm so s-" "shhh. none of that. we're seeing mikan in a bit, i already called her. i'm sorry for not noticing what was going on. it must have been so hard dealing with this alone.." "you shouldn't have to deal with it.." "i want to. i love you. we're in this together. for as long as you'll have me. it's hard, it's really hard sometimes, because i hate seeing you like this..it makes me feel so helpless it reminds me of-- the. program. but it's worth it. for you, it's always worth it." "hinata..." "keep resting. don't strain yourself too much." "i love you...i love you..i love you ..." "i know." going to see mikan and mikan warns them that Yes nagito is in fact pregnant and the fact that he's just come off of chemo and is still in remission is gonna make the pregnancy tough on him physically and that he's gonna get about as sick as he was before but promises it's temporary and that she guarantees he'll see the baby to full term ("link that's medically incorrect" idc link does what he wants Hajime has a dude put in his head via lobotomy science is a liar sometimes) and hajime holds nagito's hand the entire time and presses a kiss to his cheek when he cries a little when mikan says the baby will be healthy and ok and survive and nagito turns to him and gives him a watery smile before laughing and crying joyously a little more and thats when hajime knows they'll be ok. they do talk more abt this whole thing, nagito's motives, bebi,,,,but that's like a 1k fic and this post is alr long enough 😅maybe i'll polish it and make it a fic. long story short, hajime's personally extremely happy that nagito's pregnant, but his worry over nagito's health as a whole, physical and mental kinda trumped that but past that- it's nothing but excitement! (they did not know they were having twins...so excitement and a surprise!) as for bebi, they were very happy to be getting a sibling! they love mimicking everyone they see by talking to their papa's tummy, touching it, generally babbling to komahina how they're gonna share their toys with the baby, will the baby play with them, can they share a room? they always want more love in their life !

#komahina #cw tokophobia #cw trans male pregnancy #im a trans guy before u come for me xoxo #danganronpa #bebi kamukura #nagito komaeda #hajime hinata #anon #asks