#im sure some of it communicated badly or that ill change my mind about how it works at sum point down the line but

[this-should-do]

Before i get into everything, I want to preface this with the fact that I wrote this in one sitting starting at 9 and ending at 1:40. It is long (so very long, approx. 2.2k words) and rambling, it is largely unedited except for spelling and grammar and I refuse to read it over, and my eyes are burning. @portal2divorce , I hope this is what you wanted when you left that looking emoji on the post where i mentioned wanting to write about my thoughts on barney and his relationship with gordon and how it changes after the rescas and hl2.

Anyways barney is a bitter old man who I want to learn to be a little less bitter and heal in the end because, if I may borrow phrasing from that one captain America/bucky fic I’m sure were all vaguely familiar with, these fuckers deserve a softer epilogue.

I will also be putting this under a read more becuz i remember that those exist now and im on the web instead of mobile rn becuz i wrote this all in word cuz i knew it was gonna be so long, so i can do that

So firstly, before we can address how the rescas changes barney’s relationship with Gordon, its important to just clarify that I feel that barney and Gordon were very close, whether as friends or as romantic partners, doesn’t matter which, what’s important is that they were so very close.

And with that clarified we can get into post-rescas stuff which will be helpfully separated into pre and post hl2

Pre-hl2:

So, the first time that barney has to deal with Gordon’s death is, as I’m sure were all aware, when he sees the military dragging Gordon at the end of blue shift, so he get to start the grieving process soon after that as he’s escapes black mesa soon after that. And he gets to go through the early stages of grief for the next few weeks, at which point I think he meets up with Kleiner, (who I have come to headcanon as managing to make it to the lambda labs before Gordon got there), who informs barney of the last time he saw Gordon, which for a few seconds gives barney hope that Gordon’s still alive before being smacked in the face with the fact that Gordon hasn’t been seen since. This starts his grieving process all over again, despite Kleiner trying to comfort him with the idea that Gordon hasn’t been confirmed to be dead (I also feel that Kleiner never truly makes it past the denial stage of grieving Gordon, which later becomes a point of contention between barney and Kleiner.)

As the years go on, but before Gordon truly becomes the semi-mythological figure who’s prophesied to come back, barney ends up spending most of his time bouncing between depression and anger about Gordon disappearing. Depressed that he couldn’t help Gordon (even though it was out of his control,) that Gordon presumably sacrificed himself to save the world, and just depressed that Gordon’s gone, his best friend (and possibly partner if you are fond of that ship) is gone. But he’s also angry that the world took Gordon away, that the other scientists (and Kleiner) sent him alone to certain death and they (Kleiner) won’t even admit that’s what they did, that they were too cowardly to even try to help him in the border world.

Eventually his anger ends up mutating and turns to Gordon. He’s angry that Gordon supposedly did all these great things but couldn’t even be bothered to come home, to come back to barney. He’s angry at Gordon for letting barney think he was dead when he saw him before escaping black mesa. He’s angry that Gordon made himself such a staple in barney’s life and had the gall to just disappear and not even have the courtesy to confirm that he’s dead, even though barney knows for sure that he’s dead, because he knows Gordon would come back if he could. He’s angry at Gordon even though he knows its unfair to expect al these things from Gordon, who he knows is just a person who was expected to save the world by himself but still managed to do so. Gordon was the victim, he shouldn’t be angry at him, but he wasn’t sure who to be angry with. The world wasn’t some conscious being. He couldn’t continue to blame fate. And even though he was angry at Kleiner for having sent Gordon to do that with such unrealistic expectations, he didn’t have room to talk when he expected Gordon to be able to come back from there. All that he had was to be angry at Gordon who was at the center of it all, he was the one who had ended the world and saved it, saved everyone but himself, and then ended the world all over again by not doing so. At least to barney.

Eventually barney stops being angry, and learns to live with the depression, which can’t really go away given the worlds state, and he’s almost ready to fully accept Gordon’s death. But its by this point that Gordon’s starting to have a mythos around him and have a Jesus second coming type prophesy courtesy of the vortigaunts. And he’s angry again. Angry that the world just won’t let Gordon rest, he already died for everyone once and now they want him to come back and do it all over again. They barely even recognize that he’s a person, almost exclusively referring to Gordon as Freeman; Freeman who killed and killed and saved and killed again. Freeman who didn’t really die, he’s just off somewhere else. He certainly tried his best to humanize Gordon, he tells stories about every stupid human thing Gordon ever did. It never really works though, the stories just further the mythos add fuel to the flames. He also tried to express his disbelief that Gordons dead, and he’s not going to come back, but nobody believes him and it makes them upset. He learns to leave it be, even if it hurts to hear it all, its not his right to try to take away others hope.

After years of hearing people talk about Gordon coming back he almost hopes its true. He tried to stamp down that hope before it can hurt him when it never comes reality. It never really works but he’s also realistic that it won’t happen, but it’s a nice thought. He knows Gordon’s dead and has accepted it. He can go long periods of time without truly thinking about Gordon now, even if when he does it’s through a rose-tinted lens, he barely remembers how Gordon really was, only that he was good and kind, forgetting how standoffish and frustratingly stubborn he could be, and forgets how rough every flaw Gordon ever had could be. It was all smoothened by time and distilled into the perfect memory of a time before the combine. He’s glad Gordon’s gone and that he doesn’t have to experience the world as it is now. But he’s also still so bitter about what happened to him, its just softer now and he can’t afford constantly thinking about it while he’s working as a spy in the CP.

Post HL2:

Gordon shows up at the station and barney thinks he’s finally snapped after over a decade of being a spy for the resistance and 2 decades of combine occupation. Disregarding the canon first meeting because it feels unrealistic, barney is in a major crisis, though he’s desperately trying to hold it together to get Gordon to Kleiner’s. He is suddenly being faced with Gordon who he knew was dead because he didn’t come back, but is now back, meaning he wasn’t dead and he chose to stay away. Barney is so angry, even though he tried at first to be funny and laidback, because that’s who he is. It doesn’t end up working and he snaps at Gordon when he doesn’t respond after barney “casually” asks where he’s been and for the general lack of communication. After Gordon goes off barney is left to grapple with Gordon being alive by himself. He is certainly relieved that Gordon is back, he can’t deny that, but he is so angry that Gordon’s back. He s angry because it means that Gordon could have been back this whole time and he grieved and mourned for nothing. And that to barney, Gordon chose not to come back to him, and his pain and suffering is Gordon’s thought. He’s also mad that Gordon is here to experience the combine and is now being forced (by his own hand this time too) to kill and kill and kill and save the world again, after all these years of barney being mad that people wanted that from Gordon, he’s forcing Gordon to do the same thing the people wanted this whole time.

And throughout hl2 barney also has to face multiple instances where he thinks Gordon is dead or going to die (teleporter malfunction at Kleiner’s, weeklong absence after nova prospect, and the explosion of the citadel) as well as the constant anxiety around what Gordon’s mission is and what he’s doing. Barney is constantly facing the abyss of starting the mourning process over and over again. Its constantly starting and stopping and is constantly building potential energy the longer Gordon’s around to reacclimate to.

Also ignoring the fast-paced plot of hl2, barney also gets more time to interact with Gordon, particularly once the rebellion starts. So, he’s forced to see Gordon as he is, with preexisting flaws and un-niceties, compounded with what is now weeks of trauma. Its jarring and hard to reconcile the Gordon he remembers and the Gordon standing in front of him. He never gets the time to truly be close to Gordon at this point, in fact Gordon seems resistant to anyone being close to him. He hurt by this and feels mor bitter and angry at Gordon than he did before. HE stops trying to be familiar with Gordon and falls back to his impersonal and pseudo-familiar persona he used for the many, many people he’d met in the resistance that he expected to die so it would hurt less when they did. It wasn’t that he expected Gordon to die (except he did if he were being honest) but it’s easier to deal with still not having Gordon back even if he could touch him.

He feels closer to a memory of Gordon than he did the real Gordon and he wasn’t sure how to bridge the gap that existed and wasn’t sure that he’d ever have to time to learn. He almost doesn’t want to be close to Gordon anymore; he’d already mourned him it wasn’t fair that he’d have to start all over again and it wasn’t fair that Gordon, who didn’t look a day older than he did before the resonance cascade, didn’t even seem to want to know him and it made him angry all over again. But he does want to know Gordon again, and he knows deep down that Gordon just doesn’t have the mental space to be a person right now, he was hardly sociable before, but now… he had to be something else that couldn’t remember how to do anything but survive, and neither could barney. They were in a warzone, the most anyone could truly afford to live as people was in the dark of night when only distant gunfire could be heard, and everyone has to be okay with that. For now, barney would try his best to remember that Gordon is a person being forced to live as an icon of a better future and expected to be a martyr if need be, and that he’s not a faded memory of a better time to be used as a small piece of relief in a world of suffering. For now, barney would make do with understanding Gordon as a battle partner, someone he could trust with his life and return the favor in turn and settling for only brief looks behind the curtain when no one else can see them.

Post good ending hl3 where everyone lives and everything is as okay as it can be where a future is attainable:

It takes barney months to completely work through the bitterness and anger he still feels towards Gordon for the abandonment, but it’s easier after Gordon explains what happened. He also has to grapple with the fact that Gordon is alive at all, everyday he wakes up and forgets that Gordon is there and then is suddenly faced with reality. It’s difficult to process. Though once things calm down properly, its almost easy to fall back into familiar rhythms from black mesa, thought of course new one had to be made and some old ones adjusted to accommodate for both their sakes. But barney struggles to truly bare himself to Gordon (who struggles to do the same.) they could function in a pseudo familiarity but truly getting close is difficult. It’s hard for barney to truly be vulnerable again, always fearing Gordon will somehow be ripped away again, and scared that showing that he cares for someone puts them in danger from the long gone combine. It takes at a year at the bare minimum to properly and fully reach a equivalent level of emotional closeness to black mesa, frankly they eventually reach a state closer than before, built on shared life threatening experiences during the weeks of warfare and the gentle understanding of the resulting trauma, reflecting on their shared life before, and looking forward to a future.

#anyways hope this is intelligible in anyway at all #im sure some of it communicated badly or that ill change my mind about how it works at sum point down the line but #who cares im developing characters and writing it down makes it more real and it is so much more fun that way than just letting it sit in #my brain festering until it is swept away and im left with nothing and no solid interpretation of the characters i so adore #iwillspeakincessantly #im sure ill end up tightening the chracterization too down the line #sometimes he feels a lil inconsistant when i was trying to add dualities of thoughts but this aint susmmin spose tobe proper #its brain dump and if yallre gonna read this mess ur gonna get what u get lol #i should go to bed this took so much brain capital to formulate #also almsot done witht he coward guard comic only like 2 pages and a few stray panels to color #goodnight yall im tired as fuck lmaoooo #ponderingradioactivedecay

[leomitchellart]

So… about this latest Inktober controversy….

Time to begrudgingly chuck in my two penneth… (Remeber you can always press “J” to skip this post altogether)

As most of you may or may not know, Alphonso Dunn released a Youtube video wherein he publicly accused Jake Parker, and creator of the Inktober challenge, of plagiarising his book. Both of these men are public figures, artists specialising in pen & ink. In the video Dunn looks at the preview pages and flip through footage of Parker’s “Inktober All Year Round” and says they draw many similarities in the illustrations, language and layout that he used in his own book, “Pen & Ink Drawing”. Parker’s book was set to this month. Hense why Dunn only used footage and not a physical copy.

Since the video’s release, the art community has been very spilt down the middle. The book’s publisher has halted the launch of Parker’s book until the matter can be investigated. Even DeviantArt cancelled their own Inktober event thing (I’ll admit I don’t keep up with these things DA keeps doing). Parker has since released a statement in the matter. Now it’s up to the courts to decide what’s happening next. The video itself is an hour long, but it’s crucial to see it yourself. 

People are, understandably, outraged after seeing it. This seems like a shitty thing to rip-off Dunn - not to mention stupid. Since Dunn is the more popular pen & ink artist with more social media followers and name recognition. Many have called to boycott inktober and condemn Parker. I’ll admit, I was right alongside them at first, at least for feeling outraged. The similarities are there. But if YMS’s Kimba video has taught me anything, it’s that, even if an accusation of plagiarism may be obvious at a cursory glance, sometimes it’s important to take a more critical eye and do more research to learn that things aren’t as cut and dry as they first seem. If there’s a lesson I can take away from the internet as a whole, it’s that no one thinks about the consequences of mob mentality.

The most common defence of Parker is that because they’re both books about pen and ink drawing, then they’re inevitably going to be similar. I’ll admit that, when you pick-up so many art books, a lot of them will cover the same basic grounds of materials, tutorials, strokes, techniques etc. The parts about rendering textures on spheres and cubes isnt new. Look up “texture study” and you’ll see so many examples of artists rendering these kinds of things digitally. I’ve also noticed a common theme of people more formally educated in art pointing out how none of these are original. Everything down to the steps and illustrations are things they’ve learned from years ago. Since I'm a pen & ink artist, inspired by my love of comics, I have quite a few books about inking: Dunn’s included. I own both his books and still highly recommend them. I didn't even preorder Parker’s book. Ironically because I didn't think it could offer anything new that my other books hadn’t already.

While Ethan Becker took the time to cross-examine Dunn and Parker’s books with several others, there weren’t many of the ones I actually owned. So I looked to my shelves to see what I could find. Books like:

“The Art of Comic Book Inking” by Gary Martin & Steve Rude

“How Comics Work” by Dave Gibbons & Tim Pilcher

“The DC Comics guide to Inking Comics” by Klaus Janson

“Making Comics” by Scott McCloud

“Stan Lee’s How to Draw Comics”

I’m sure there’s plenty more examples out there. I was planning to go through all of these and take pictures. But ultimately that’s not the core point of these post. Plus it would’ve taken WAY too long and this post itself, is long enough.

Of course, none of the them are 100% close to Dunn’s in the way they’re displayed. Not as close as Parker’s could be considered. That being said, I know Dunn is trying to claim that he invented these techniques. The nucleus of the issue is how similar they are in terms of order and how these pages are displayed. Some I can chock-up to standard practice, while others seem more coincidental.

If there’s one thing I’m adamant about, it’s that I think that Dunn should’ve messaged Parker first before making the accusation public. Some try to dispute that this would've made it easier for Dunn to be “silenced”, whatever that means; but that sounds a bit conspiratorial to me. Ideally, you confront him about it in private, if he makes any threats or blows you off, get your lawyer on the phone and then make the video. Not only is it the more civil thing to do - but it’s the smarter thing to do. This is a serious legal matter, not just internet drama. While I’m sure Dunn had no intention of tearing Parker down or getting a mob onto him, that’s unfortunately what’s happened. A backlash both from the general artisan community and several companies. Wherein it was left to Parker himself to make this an official legal matter. If Parker’s found not guilty, then this could easily leave the gate open for him to sue Dunn for damages, loss of revenue, defamation of character or whatever else, should he see fit. As could the publishers, given how this affected their sales. Companies responded to the accusation of the video alone, before an investigation could be launched. Sure, it wouldn't be “acting the bigger man” but he’d be well within his right to do it. Dunn showed that Jake has mentioned him before, shown admiration for his career and referenced him in other posts. If it comes to light in court, that Dunn is even cited as an inspiration or source in the book itself, then it’s case closed. 

Then there’s the other possibility that Parker might not have done this on his own, but that he has a team behind the book. If that’s the case, the most I can accuse Parker of is being a hack. I worry Dunn has kneecapped himself for just how badly he’s handled this situation. Made worse by him not having an actual physical copy to assess and just had footage of preview pages to go on. So far, the circumstances don’t seem on his favour. 

I don’t think ill of Dunn. I do think he believes he’s been wronged and no malice in his intentions. I just think he’s made some critical errors on how to handled this. As for Parker himself, I couldn't give a donkey’s doo-dah about him. I’m sure you could accuse me of playing devil’s advocate earlier, but to me, he was the guy who released the annual prompt list. If it really does turn out that he’s a plagiarist and had malicious intent, then fuck ‘im. I never regarded him as an inspiration of mine or paid much attention to him outside of that. It was the community that made Inktober what it is. I’ve never met Parker. Maybe he’s a cool guy? Maybe he’s a bellend? I don’t know.

Granted this isn't the first time Parker has proved himself to be a controversial figure: - Last year people were upset about him trademarking (not copywriting, as many have erroneously claimed) the word “Inktober” and some artists were stopped from selling their related work or zines. Parker would issue a statement: claiming the takedowns were a mistake of “overzealous lawyers” and it’s just a matter of the logo being trademarked. People can sell their Inktober works and even mention they are Inktober-related. Just not use the official logo. On the one hand, from a business standpoint, I get it. It’s the bare minimum you need to do to protect your IP, especially when you have a store. BUT, like most people, I don’t like how, what’s intended as a community challenge, has slowly become more of a brand associated with one man. Hardly a surprise it left a bad taste in so many people’s mouths. But, since it doesn't actually effect anyone’s ability to take part in the challenge, outside of personal principle, I went ahead with it the previous year. 

 - The year before, when asked if one can do Inktober digitally, Parker said the following:

I know some are still bitter about that, but speaking as someone who inks traditionally and digitally, this came across as needless whinging and blowing things out of proportion. Claiming that Jake had derided digital artists and said they were invalid etc etc. Take it from me, challenging yourself to try out different methods to ink traditionally can greatly improve the work you do digitally. It’s like how learning traditional fundamentals of art can still be applied to digital. Plus he never said “No.” he just gave valid reasons about how it makes it a different experience. That said, if you’re someone who can’t afford any kind of inking equipment or pens and only have a selected application to draw on - then none of this applies to you. Just the aforementioned few who took it upon themselves to get angry over nothing. Recently I’ve heard from subscribers of his newsletter that he’s now embraced the idea of people doing inktober digitally, to the point of selling digital brushes for inktober. I’m sure some will call this “backsliding” or “money grubbing” because people aren’t allowed to change their minds or update their statements.

For weeks I’ve been torn on what to do, not being able to solidify one stance over another. One minute I thought #JusticeForAlphonsoDunn then I wonder “Wait maybe I should look again?” to “But wait, those are way too similar!” Having splinters in my arse from sitting on the fence for so long. The longer this went on, however, I began to realise that I can’t take one stance over another. This case is far too muddy and complicated. I don’t have enough sufficient knowledge or evidence. Nor do any of you. We literally only have Dunn’s video to go on. While it’s a good start, it’s not enough to be taken 100% as gospel when it’s the only thing to hand. 

As previously mentioned, a lot of artists have decided to not take part in Inktober at all, or follow different prompt lists. That’s completely fine. A lot of them are based around a specific theme: halloween, kinky stuff, bears, transformers, OCs, Disney or whatever. That has massive appeal. I just can’d do it myself. I prefer the focus on random words, rather than all centred on a single subject; allowing me to be creative with my ideas and execution. I actually did try to make a list of my own random words. Problem is, I worried that because I was choosing my own, I might be subconsciously bias towards certain prompts and not truly challenging myself. Even narrowing down my options was taking too long. In the end…. I’ve decided to just do the official prompts again this year.

For me, that’s what it ultimately came down to. TIME. It’s the middle of September. I can’t afford to wait for the court case to be settled. No other prominent artists I respect have released their own prompt lists. I know there’s been some shitty people who are condemning this choice. Attacking others, accusing them of supporting plagiarism, looking to block anyone who does the official prompts. Even trying to make this a racial issue. Just…. no. 

If someone doesn’t want to take part in Inktober, that’s fine. If someone wants to do the official prompts, that’s fine. If someone wants to do their own prompts, that’s fine.

Don’t go around aggressively making snap judgements or accusing people of taking a side. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. This has been a shit year, let people enjoy something.

If you look at this situation and it makes you feel angry, and you don’t feel comfortable in taking part in a challenge because of it’s creator. I get that, I literally get that. It’s why I haven't done Mermay. And please don’t mention Pinktober, I’m aware of it, but given his insta video on the subject and the things he said, I quickly came to the conclusion that I can’t take this person seriously. I’m sure this might make me seem hypocritical, but how this differs, if only for me, is the sheer amount Inktober means to me. It’s more than a simple challenge. Inktober's the one thing I’ve been most excited about all year. As it was ruined for me in 2019, when I lost my home and I didn't get to complete every prompt. (Long story, I’m okay now). As we all know, 2020, has been an AWFUL year. We’ve got to take whatever joy we can. As I’ve looked longer at the official prompts, I found ideas I’m really excited for. 

Once I started to really dedicate myself to it, it became a massive event. I hype myself up as I prepare for the busy month. Buy in supplies, clean the house and workspace, cook and freeze meals in bulk to save time, printing off a sheet that allows me to jot down ideas as I plan ahead.  Then once it’s done, after so much work, it makes the reward all the sweeter: Ordering a takeaway, celebrating a great halloween night and still rocking those vibes throughout November. Feeling proud of myself for doing it and seeing myself improve my technique, discipline and earning a few lie-ins to make up for the sleep I lost working. I’m like a kid waiting for Christmas. That said, don’t think that there’s something wrong with you when you understandably can’t dedicate that amount time for a simple art challenge. If anything that’s plenty of reason to why you’re smarter than me. You have a life and don’t push yourself too much.

Now, I need to crack on with the preparations. If you want to boycott Jake Parker, just not buying any of his products should be enough. Doing the inktober challenge doesn't bring attention to him, as I doubt most people even know him as the creator, nor does it even line his pockets. I just hate how cancel culture can do such serious damage like this and then try and put pressure on others to act accordingly without even doing any research themselves. 

As long as you’re not harassing anybody. Just do what YOU want to do. That’s fine. 

#Inktober #Inktober 2020 #My two penneth #Jake Parker #alphonso dunn

[marowreck-archive]

T week 3

this time under a read more! i guess ill do these whenever i get a shot since my memory is shit.

tw for body talk, period talk and stuff? and me ranting. this is a diary and im giving you free access to it lmao

Ok so. Worth noting first of all that i have pcos and already had a quite high t count before i started and i dunno how that’d affect me? i might have faster results or not, i only know for sure that my body dislikes managing Girl Juice and doesn’t do it properly.

First of the first: im not scared of needles! i dont mind at all being poked by them. If anybody wants any assurance, it doesnt hurt when youre having it applied (im doing it on the butt) professionally if the person doing it isnt treating you like a dartboard (which is very much not fun). It feels like the area is getting hot but it doesnt actually HURT. It gets sore a few hours to a couple of days after instead of hurting at the moment. For me, right now it’s a bit sore but not all that much. A nice tip my doctor gave me is to avoid leaning on the side you took it for a few hours and everytime you take it, you go for a different side  If the comparative is of any worth, taking iron hurts about as much as taking T but id say that iron stings like a bitch sometimes and takes very long, while t hurts after and is really fast to take. taking anti tetanic shots hurts 10 times MORE than T and hurt much much much more afterwards. 

The things i noticed almost straight away (like in a WEEK) was that i got around 3 times more uh. hornier. im not gonna lie about it. i find it very weird since i had a very low sex drive to begin with. It’s not bad and i don’t mind it at all, it’s mostly funny in a way i can deal with. Bottom growth is a thing that is happening, also. I like it, won’t lie.

Second biggest change is that my voice is fucked. It sometimes takes a flight to the bermuda triangle and forgets to send me a postal card which is very rude, like “pls sir come back i neet that to communicate”. There was barely no change at all from the begining yet (im keeping records), of course, since im like barely a month in but it feels sorta like i have a mild cold that hasn’t fully recovered. I can measure it because i like singing (not that i sing well, i just have a decent range and i like playing my guitar badly for everybody to hear and thats enough for me to do it) and i can’t reach as high as i normally would, and im having to tone down the chords of some songs to be able to sing them, just like i would if i had a cold. I could say i can sorta reach lower, but sometimes i just have better voice days so i’m not counting that. im very happy i can sing cradles on the original tone now though :’)

On the other side, due to my pcos i have no idea how the whole Oh No Uterus Confused thing is reacting. i have a fucked up body cycle and normally it doest work work because t higher than the average but my e on the line to being too low so i basically never get periods unless they’re induced by outside hormones (which sucked a whole lot, i wish id never taken them to begin with) and weirdly enough??? im on my period right now, where i was told it usually STOPS after starting t. there is a blood flow, but much much lower than it normally would and im not bothering with pads right now. I can just free bleed this out and not give a fuck. Which is crazy because when i was on Girl Pills it literally made me anemic.

Boy juice has been treating me better than girl pills so far XD

#boy juice chronicles #transgender #ftm #im nb tho #hrt #this gave me an excuse to overshare lmao #and being stupid

[fairycosmos]

Sorry this is becoming a Long ask but. Yeah I always tried to be as conscious as possible as I could in the relationships of not being passive aggressive or anything like that but I guess the relationship OCD + long distance and inability to properly communicate a lot of the time is what messed it up and sure they had not great stuff they did sometimes but I feel like it's more on me since I'm older yknow? It was also my first proper relationship and neither of us told family bc LGBT stuff

HEY your recent ask just reminded me that i had a whole answer to this in my head and then got distracted by all of the shit w my mum :( im so sorry for the late response, but please know you didn’t pressure me or stress me out at all. i’m in a calmer mind state rn so i can respond more readily. anyway my first instinct is to say that you were very young. yeah, you were a year older but in this context it doesn’t mean much because you were both kids. even grown adults who don’t have to deal with mental health issues hurt each other (hopefully unintentionally) in relationships because lack of communication and honesty and being that close to someone for so long often leads to a lot of sensitivity and frequent misunderstandings. situations like this are rarely black and white where one person is 100% innocent and the other is 100% the bad guy. there is far too much nuance to judge it so such a standard, so don’t worry about basing your whole judgement of yourself from this singular relationship you had as a teenager. it’s ok to have regrets, in fact it’s perfectly normal and i would argue that it’s a good sign. it means you’ve grown as a person, that you’re able to look back and pin point what you would change about your own behaviour. that’s a skill a LOT of people never develop, and it will serve your future self so well. of course, mental illness doesn’t excuse abusive actions but they can help you understand why you were the way that you were and why getting help should always be a priority, maybe more so than dating if you’re in a really bad place. but as you’ve mentioned, you’ve been going to counseling and figuring things out and you should be so so proud of that fact, seriously. i think that you were both in a rather vulnerable position - not having outside support, doing long distance - and so while it’s alright to acknowledge your own mistakes, it’s not alright to continuously crucify yourself for something that is now beyond your control. i understand that lack of closure is an issue here - you apologized to your ex and they’re still mad at you. that must hurt, and it’s allowed to. because you’re clearly sincere. but one of the hardest parts about growing up is realizing that we don’t get to dictate how other ppl respond to us. we can change and grow all we want, but there are some people who just aren’t ready to forgive. and they don’t necessarily have to. the same can be said for you - you said they treated you badly at times, too. you don’t have to brush that off if you don’t want to, or if you don’t feel able to at this time. but your ex doing this doesn’t mean you’re some terrible, awful person. it’s just how they’re going to heal, and you get to decide how you’re going to, too. it may take a while to work through the guilt and to truly move beyond this, and that’s normal. you can take this all at your own pace. but i’d really urge you to practice some self compassion, even if it feels fake. your mental illness isn’t your fault, alright? and it’s absolutely natural to fuck up sometimes, especially as a 16 yo kid. you’re not even a quarter of the person you’ll grow to be someday, and there is so much room to learn from yourself as the years pass. little everyone has something they wish they’d dealt with differently, and the only productive course of action is to accept what cant be changed and to use it to develop a deeper understanding of what’s appropriate and what isn’t. you’re not a bad person. you’ve apologized and you’ve reflected. under these circumstances, that is good enough. try not to dwell too much while you’re in quarantine. meditate, self soothe, find a gentle distraction, take a bath, breathe and relax. also please call your counselor and let go of some of that nervous energy. it really will help, even if you have to froce yourself to. i’m sending you a lot of warmth and hoping you can let yourself just ‘be’ for a while. if you ever need a friend, feel free to hmy any time. and again im sorry for not getting back sooner and i appreciate how understanding you are

#anon

[thewritingstar]

Guess I'll take one for the team number 1-30 Pls kind stae

1. What do you like and dislike about the way you were brought up?

-I liked how my parents never forced the “you’re gonna marry a man” thing on me. It was always “you’re going to marry someone who loved you no matter what and makes you happy” and that’s something I really appreciated. One thing I disliked was forcing me to go to church. It’s not a place for kids where they are forced to sit still for hours and be quiet and it was hard for someone like me where my focus isn’t as great.

2. What do you believe are the 5 biggest issues we face as humans now?

-global warming, lack of human morals, poverty, inequality between genders and races, the numbness people have with violence and how war and crime and shootings are seen as everyday things.

3. If you could write a novel what would it be about?

-fun fact I am writing a book now! I’m not gonna say what it’s about but it’s in the romance category and I hope that one day I’ll publish it!

4.  What are your beliefs regarding the universe and the nature of life and death?

-I think life and death are natural things and actually do have meaning and purpose but are in control of one another.

5. Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. 

-hmm I think it was one where I was running down a hallway with stained glass shining on my face as my black ball gown was flowey.

6. Do you want children? Why or why not? 

-yes and no. A part of me would love to be a mom but another is me not wanting to raise a human being when I myself am not in the right space to do so. If anything I would love to adopt a teen or child instead of birth, cause that ain’t happening.

7. What are your views on gender equality? 

- 10000% for it. If we are not equal in the simplest way then there is a problem. No one should be treated badly or given less freedom and rights just for their gender whether they are cis,trans,non binary and everything in between. Equality is either for all or none at all.

8. How do you feel about cultural appropriation? 

-I think it’s disgusting but a lot of people won’t learn to tell the difference between cultural appreciation and appropriation. I think that for some cases people want to experience other cultures which is good but please be mindful and don’t do anything that could offend or harm anyone’s way.

9. Where are the 3 places you most want to travel to and why?

-Italy because it’s beautiful, Japan because it’s Japan and I’m kinda a weeb, Disney Shanghai because WOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT???

10. What are some things you wish you’d been taught as a child that you weren’t? 

-hmmm my parents were pretty open about things so I feel like I didn’t not know things. So idk for this one. Because what ever they didn’t teach me, they didn’t know themselves.

11. Talk about some of the biggest mistakes you’ve ever made?

-oof one time I drove through a red light thinking it was a stop sign

12. Do you feel you are in control of your destiny or do you believe fate controls the course of your life? 

-I would like to think I’m in control but there is definitely an influence of fate along these lines.

13. Do you believe is ghosts/ spirits? If so why do you think they exist?

-well for one whose to say they don’t? I don’t really think they do but I also don’t think they don’t ya know? I think it’s just a cool thought to think about the continuation of life after this time.

14. Do you think there are any other forms of intelligent life in the universe? 

-for sure. You are a fool if you don’t think so. It’s hard to wrap the mind around but imagine all the untapped potential that radiates out in space.

15. What do you think constitutes a truly healthy relationship?

-communication and desire. If you don’t wanna put in the time and work for a healthy realtionship, do not waste the other persons time

16. How would you like to live your life?

-full of happiness and pursuing what I want

17. Talk about a time someone treated you badly.

-growing up I’ve always been a victim of emotional abuse (not super harsh) but adults around me did not know that the stuff they had said hurt me. It’s hard when you don’t understand or know when you’re hurting something.

18. Talk about a time you treated someone else badly. 

-Hmm when ever I feel like I hurt someone’s feeling I always apologize. I guess maybe when I get angry I talk it out on my parents and act a little rude.

19. What is something you can’t do that you really wish you could? 

-idk be confident more. I just feel like I can’t but I know I can and should.

20. What are your initial thoughts when somebody tells you they’re religious? 

-I think it’s fine. I am not one to hate on someone for religious views. Now using your religion to belittle someone else does not go well with me but for the most part, it’s a beautiful thing that can bring people together and there’s no need to hate some one for their religion if they have one or not.

21. Were you more of the victim or the bully as a child? 

-probably a victim. I was teased by this one girl who I still hate after years and I always tried to be a nice person even if I didn’t get along with people but I probably have been rude to kids before because kids are ruthless.

22. How have you changed since you were a child and how have you stayed the same? 

-I’ve stayed the same i guess in my childlike wonder and ability to find the best in things. I’ve changed in a lot of ways. I notice and identify when something is right. Plus my anxiety has changed since I was younger.

23. Are you the kind of person who has a large group of friends or are you someone who has just a few people they’re close to? 

-I have a mixture. My group of friends consist of like 5 people but we are all extremely close and then I have another group of friends that I’m close with but not at that level. I’m just a friendly person

24. What qualities have you got from your parents? 

-my dads hard work and determination and my moms laughter

25. What is one thing you wish somebody would say to you right now? 

-drink some water and eat better you dehydrated slut

26. Describe your ideal partner? 

-I think someone who is compassionate and has a good sense of humor. I just want someone where they can make me laugh even when I feel broken. Also good hair. Like if you have that panic! Haircut, it does not matter who you are, I will instantly be attractive to you.

27. Describe yourself as a person?

-I would like to say that I am a caring and generous person who is always ready with a quick comeback and jokes. But even when I’m smiling I am burdened with mental illness that helps my delivery with puns. Im also kinda short.

28. What things don’t you do right now that you feel like you morally should? 

-I feel like I should volunteer more even though I don’t have time and spent a lot of my childhood helping at cancer volunteer stuff.

29. What is your star sign and how accurate do you think it is in describing you?

-Aries. If you met me then you probably would think so too. I mean even on here you could probably sense that I was a fire sign lol.

30. What sort of terms are you on with your exes? 

-I’ve never dated anyone so I don’t have an ex but you better believe that I would be that ex that still gets invited to things because the family loves me.

#ask star #question time!

[littlebitoffanfic]

Never -part 4 - Home

Fandom: Little Nightmares Characters: Roger, Dee, Dom, The lady, the ferryman Relationship: Roger/reader Request: Part 1: http://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/182536245099/never Part 2: http://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/183993478784/never-part-2 Part 3: https://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/184349594529/never-part-3 Your time with the Ferryman was a welcomed break. His days were mostly spent navigating the sea and occasionally docking to place posters of the Maws next location. It was due to rise again in about 4 months, so people were starting to look out for the next place. It felt nice if somewhat sickly. You were used to the Maws movement in the sea, but the boat was a little more prominent. You felt sick the first few days, but you weren’t entirely sure that was just from the boat. You worried. The whole trip you worried about what was happening back at the Maw. You wished you had some means to communicate with the twins and make sure everything was okay. The first night, you dreamt that Roger and the Lady had fought badly and were wounded. You woke up in a sweat, Rogers voice whispering in your ear about pain. You were thankful that the boat had two compartments below deck with beds, so you didn’t have to share a room with him. Especially when you woke up in tears. But you did enjoy your time away. The sea air was nice, and the time of year meant the sun was out a lot. The moment you stepped on land, you wanted to be back on the boat. You helped the ferryman hang posters and then get some items that the twins had asked for but then you were back on the ship. You started feeling badly homesick, like the maw was crying out for you to come home. The ferry man noticed your change and must have felt it too. The Ferryman had mentioned a few days before that today that he was heading back to the Maw. You were nervous. You had had nightmares that the second you stepped into the Maw again, the lady was angry with you. you thought of the Maw being angry with you and refusing to allow you to stay. Worse was Roger. The dreams where he told you he wished you never came back were the worse. But you were sure they were bad because he had told you to leave. Today was the day, and the ferryman was getting annoyed with your constant pacing and staring into the horizon. “Sit down before you fall overboard.” He snapped at you for the hundredth time, but you shook your head and continued with your pacing. It wasn’t till the sun was nearly setting that you saw the all too familiar island which hid the entrance to the Maw. Your mind wondered to the massive machine beneath the waves. If it didn’t want you back, it could easily stop the boat from even touching the Maw. But it didn’t. The ferryman docked as normal, having to jump off himself and quickly tie to the boat up since you weren’t on land ot catch it. Picking up the bundle meant for the chiefs and your bag, you jumped off the boat onto island, your knees nearly giving in but thankfully didn’t. you stood up, a feeling of relief washing over you as you finally returned home. “You need a hand down?” Ferryman asked you, glancing at the door which lead down into the Maw. “No, you’ve done more than enough. Thank you.” You smile, hugging the bundle against your chest. “Don’t mention it. The company was nice. if you ever need some time-“ He nods to the boat and you laugh. “I’ll call on you.” you finish his sentence with a chuckle as he climbed back onto the boat. You undid the knot used to secure the ship before throwing it back to the ferryman. you stood on the shore as the boat disappeared into the now night-time. And you stayed there a little long until it was pitch black and now cold out. You were worried about what awaited you down in the Maw. But something soothed your worries and fears, like a friend wrapping an arm around your shoulder. Whatever you had to face, you would need to face it soon. There was no point sitting there dreaming up horror stories. You walked to the door, reaching out and pausing. “I know I left. But you called me back and I came. I will always return to my home.” You spoke in a soft voice to the Maw, hoping it would be able to see you hadn’t been malicious or selfish in your desires. it took you a moment to open the door, gripping the handle so hard that your knuckles turned white. But when you did, there was a soft groan that echoed through the Maw, like it was relieved. Stepping in, you descended the stairs with caution. You saw a few Nomes look up from their perches on the table. Had they really waited for you to return? When they saw you, they quickly jumped down and ran to the bottom of the stairs, waiting for you like little balls of energy ready to explode. once you stepped off the last step, they jumped and ran at your feet, hugging your ankles in comical way which made you laugh. Tears filled your eyes as you finally reunited with the innocent little creatures that never had malicious intend and only wanted a crust of bread. “I’ll make sure you get as much food as you can carry.” You leaned down, whispering to them as you patted a few of their heads. “So, who should I go see first?” You ask them, and one tilted its head in thought. It then held its arms out either side of its body and started to waddle slowly. Instantly, you burst into laughter as you realised it was mimicking the chiefs. “Okay, the twins it is.” They parted so you could walk through the empty guest area. It was a good idea to see the twins first, since if the lady’s get angry and kills you, someone will know you returned other than the mute Nomes. calling on the lift with the press of the button, it immediately opened, and you stepped inside. you were about to press the button to head down the kitchen when you remembered your bag. Probably best to leave it here in case you needed to make a quick getaway. Stepping out, you placed the bag at the side of the doors and retreated back in. the Nomes didn’t follow you, but you smiled and waved at them as the door shut and the lift descended into the Maw. When the doors opened, you were not surprised to hear the bickering of the twins from the dishwashing room. They were arguing so loud that they didn’t even hear the lift. “I know, we both miss her. But its no excuse for not doing your job.” Dee snapped at Dom who you could hear was just as frustrated. “Well, whens she coming back?” Dom asked, sounding like a child that was waiting on its toy being returned. You noticed a forgot pile of dishes at the side, and picked them up, balancing the bundle under your arm. “I already told you. I. don’t. know!” Dee half roared across the room as you walked in, a smirk playing on your face. “Besides, its not like she even said she’d be back.” You sauntered in, placing the dishes in the sink and bundle on the side as the two men froze and stared at you. Dom was the first to break, rushing forward and engulfing you in a hug. You smiled, closing your eyes and trying your best to return the hug. You felt a hand patting your head and looked up to see Dee smiling down at you. “Gave us a right fright.” He tells you, and you were sure he wasn’t just speaking about right now. “I know. Im sorry. Wont happen again.” You mumble, fresh tears running down your cheeks as Dom stepped back with the largest grin on his face. “ill put the kettle on.” Dee rolls his eyes a little, and the two of you head to the kitchen. ---------time skip ------------- “you know you have to go see him?” Dee askes you, sitting back in his chair as the cups sat empty on the table. “I know.” You nod, your eyes glancing to the hallway which would lead further down into the Maw. “They both miss you.” Dom suddenly says, making both you look at him. “The lady doesn’t come out much. Neither does Roger. Doesn’t come up to see us anymore.” The moments that followed were ones of silence that no one seemed to know how to break. Eventually, you took a deep breath. “Who should I see first?” you ask Dee. “Last time you saw Roger first didn’t go so well. So maybe this time…” He trails off, looking to the ceiling as if she might be listening. “You’re right. She probably knows im here.” You nod, standing from the table. Dee and Dom didn’t stand, instead staring after you as you left. They were nervous, as were you. you called the lift and it whisked you upstairs in less time than you would have liked, opening with a ding into the lady’s quarters. immediately, your eyes widened. The halls were dark and dusty. The place looked a mess, unkept and neglected for a while now. It was haunting because not even her soft voice was floating through the place. She always sung, always humming some kind of tune. It made the halls of her quarters feel like a parent’s home with a familiar sound like a radio being on or a record player. You liked it. But now it looked and felt neglected and empty. Stepping out of the lift, you looked up and saw no lights on. In fact, you doubted she was even here. “Hello?” You called out, walking to the bottom of the stairs and looking up. Silence followed as you climbed the stairs. Looking back to the lift, you wondered if maybe she wasn’t here until something drew your attention to the top of the stairs. When you looked, you froze. There, stood the Lady. Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun, strands framing the mask which looked slightly dirty. Her robes hung off her, almost like they didn’t fit her properly anymore. “[y/n]?” Her voice cracked as she stared down at you. You didn’t know what to expect. You couldn’t see her eyes so you couldn’t read her and her body stayed stiff and ridged. She looked like a statue. There was a whoosh and she moved quickly down the stairs. So quick, you didn’t have a chance to flinch or react. But instantly you thought she was angry with you. until her long, slender arms wrapped around you, pulling you against her chest and cradling you like a mother would her child. “You came home.” She breathed, her voice soft and a whisper. You looked up and saw tears running from under her mask. Her hands shook as one stroked your hair affectionately. You wrapped your arms around her waist as she held you. “The maws missed you. Ive missed you.” The lady pulled back, regaining her composure as she pushes a strand of hair out of your eyes. “Ive missed you all.” You nod, closing your eyes under her touch that reminded you of family. “Perhaps.” She takes a deep breath, as if she was fighting some inner demon. “You should let our janitor know of your return.” you stare up at her with your mouth open, processing how the 10-word sentence actually meant so much more. You quickly shut your mouth and smile at her, nodding. The lady retreats back up the stairs, ringing her hands a little and looking away from you. When she faces you again, you smile with tears brimming your eyes. She take a moment before standing straight, her movement becoming much more elegant and graceful again as she returns to her room. You start to descend the stairs and then something stops you. A voice. Soft and beautiful singing a lullaby. You look up to her room. The lady was singing again. You took a moment to listen to the song, enjoying her voice before you remembered your next task, your next mission. Walking to the elevator, you smiled as the door closed and you were taken to the bottom of the Maw, where the final resident you wanted to see was. But when the elevator arrived, it made no joyful ‘ding’. It didn’t make a noise. The only reason you knew you were here was by the indicator of which floor you were on. the doors opened and you stepped out, your attention searching for Roger. The light from the doll room drew your attention and you carefully made your way towards it. You knew the area well, and had memorised the floor boards that squeaked when you would try sneak up on Roger playfully. Opening the door, you saw the doll he had been making of you was sitting on his work bench, fully complete. But no Roger. Stepping inside, you walked over and picked up the doll. He had made a small version of your favourite dress, matched the colour of your eyes perfectly and let your hair fall naturally. The little doll was the spiting image of you. you looked up, seeing some of the Nomes sitting atop the shelf. They liked the little toys Roger made, even if they only got to play with them when he wasn’t around. taking the toy, you held it up to the Nomes. Two of them grabbed the doll by the arms and hauled it up, dancing around joyfully before disappearing with it into a hole in the wall. You smiled, but were quickly alerted when a floor board squeaked from outside. Stepping to the right side of the door, you were quick enough as Roger came into the room. He moved past you, not even noticing another’s presence in the room as he moved to his work bench. you were surprised he would have been here at this time. normally, he would work on the Maws inner structure now. But judging by the way the Maw had been groaning, the Lady and Chiefs weren’t the only ones neglecting their duties in your absence. His hand felt around the desk for the doll, but he let out a soft growl when he couldn’t find it. Roger instantly reached up to the shelf the Nomes had been on, seeming to know that they would have taken the doll. “Damn Nomes.” He groaned softly, his hand retreating back to his body. He reached into his inner pocket of his jacket, pulling out a piece of paper. You leaned to the side, almost letting out a gasp when you saw it was the portrait of you. He had been carrying it around with him? This whole time? Roger held the photo below his face, using his free hand to push the drooped flesh back for a just a moment to look at the photo before he let out a painful groan and stopped. He returned the photo to his jacket pocket. “why’d they take it?” He asked himself in a low voice, his fingers drumming on the floor as he returned to his natural position. “I thought you might prefer the real thing.” You spoke up from your corner, your voice soft and barley more than a whisper. Tears cascaded down your cheek as you tried to hid the fact you were crying. Roger seemed to stop breathing, his finger not drumming on the floor anymore as his head snapped in your direction. “You, you came back?” He let out a small breath, as if he were scared of the answer. “No.” You shake your head, walking up to him, stopping once you were right in front of him and between his arms. “I came home.” A shaking hand reached up, cupping your cheek as if to make sure you were real. His long fingers caressed your cheek as his thumb swiped across and removed the tears. “Im sorry.” Roger voice broke as he bent his head forward, as if bowing to you. “For before. I didn’t… I didn’t want you to…” He struggled to articulate as he shook his head, taking small gasps for air. “I only wanted you to be safe. Happy.” He glanced his face up to you then dropped it back down out of either embarrassment or hurt. “I was both of those things when I was with you.” You answer him in a soft voice, reaching your hand up to cup his own hand which stayed against your cheek. “But the lady. She-“ He cut himself off, a shiver running down his spin as the thought of the last time he had seen the lady. That night when she had thrown you against the wall and demanded the servants leave you. “She wont hurt me. Not now.” You assure him. In truth, you weren’t 100% sure of this. But from the way the Maw had reacted, how she had reacted, upon your return, you were sure she wouldn’t risk losing you again. Not permanently at least. “please.” He breathed, his voice a whisper with fear. “Don’t be afraid of me.” He begged you. every movement he made was one of submission as his whole body ached. His head bowed, his face turned down and lower than your own, his shoulder hunched and his hand only keeping it place on your cheek under your own fingers. “Never.” You breathe, stepping closer and closing the gap between you. Ducking your head under his own, you pressed your lips to his and bought his head up as your free hand cupped his own cheek. A soft, fragile kiss but with a much deeper meaning. You let go of his hand on your cheek so you would wrap your arms around his shoulder. His hand slips away from your cheek in favour of wrapping both his arms right around your smaller form as he moves his lips against your own. In a moment, the kiss turns from soft and light to needy and desperate. He pulled you tight against his body which tensed under your soft touch. You returned his passion tenfold until you needed to breath. Pulling back, you gasped for air. You buried your face against his neck, wanting him to remain close. Roger placed a soft kiss to the top of your head then nuzzled his cheek against your hair, inhaling the sweet scent he had long missed. He was only bought out of the moment by your soft sobs, realising you were crying on his shoulder. Roger gently rubbed your back, unsure of how to comfort you. after all this time, after all he had done and all you had been through, he was unsure of what you would need from him. “[y/n]?” He asks, unsure of himself but you shake your head a little. “Please, just give me this moment.” You ask him, your grip on him tightening for just a moment. He felt your tears wet his jacket and top he wore. The wetness was like fire as it touched his skin. “Will you stay with me? After everything that happened. What I did. Would you want to stay?” Roger asks, rambling a little as he tried to figure out what he was trying to say. You pulled back from him, unhooking one arm from around his neck so you could wipe your tears on your sleeve. “Would you want me to stay?” You return the question, hiccupping a little. “More than anything.” He breaths with a single nod. Despite your tears, you smiled. “Then I’ll stay. As long as you want me, im here.” You tell him. A soft smile dawns his face as he nods. one of your hands cups his cheek as you nuzzle against him for a moment. “You’re cold.” Roger suddenly says, his hand coming up to cup your own and pull it away from his cheek to inspect your hand. “It’s a little colder here.” You shrug, not thinking too much of it. You were used to the warm sun so it might take sometimes to get used to the Maw again. “That wont do.” He mumbles, more to himself as he shakes his head. His arm unwraps from around you and he leads you out of the room with your hand still in his own. It took you a moment to realise where he was taking you. back to his quarters. Roger opened the door and you stepped inside. the living room was a lot warmer than he normally kept it. But perhaps it had something to do with the last time he had been with you here. You didn’t want to let go of him, so he guided you to the couch and you sat down. Only then did you let go of his hand so he could search for the blanket on the single chair. Once he found it, he started to bring it back to you. In a strange moment of almost deja vu, he reached out and turned on the TV. He bought the blanket to you. you took him by the hand, guiding him to sit beside you as you moved the blanket over both sets of legs. His arms instinctively wrapped around you as he leaned back. You cuddled against his side, resting your head on his chest as you focused on his heart beat. The events of the day had certainly taken its toll on you. this mixed with the lack of sleep you had been getting made it very hard to stay awake and you eventually drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Roger, on the other hand, was still awake. He focused every sense he had on you. The feeling of your body pressed against his own, the warmth of your skin, your sweet smell, the sound of your breathing and the taste of your lip which were still fresh on his own. Roger brought one of his hands up to his face, pushing the skin up so he could look down at you. Curled up against his side, your face a picture of beauty that no portrait could ever fully capture. A single tear ran down Rogers cheek as he allowed the skin to take his vision again. Only this time, it wasn’t plunging him into darkness. It allowed him to focus on you more. You would always guide him through the darkness. especially now you were home.

#little nightmares #roger the janitor #roger x reader #roger the janitor x reader #The Janitor #the janitor x reader

[i-have-lived]

I just need to talk into a void right now. Badly.

For the past two months, I've been questioning if I have some kind of dissociative disorder. I've experienced dissociation alot in my lifetime, but it's gotten alot worse. I've always had this.. interest in multiplicity, and have encountered it a few times in my personal life, and outside of a few passing thoughts, I never would have assumed I had anything like it...

But then, recently, when I started to seriously question it, some. Alters, headmates, parts, whatever you want to call them, started to introduce themselves to me (after I had put in quite a good deal of effort to make contact... Asking if anyone else was there, because I was beginning to think there was...)

Since then I've experienced worsening dissociation, and can barely stand my own reflection most days. I think I've experienced "switching", ranging from pretty intense and prolonged (headaching, stress, watching my body do things without my input, or saying things out loud that I don't mean to say...) To barely noticeable (just having the sudden feeling that I'm not who i was just awhile ago, or suddenly realizing I'm acting strangely. Like a shift in my facial expression that I can't change, wanting to wear clothes i would NEVER normally want to, getting up and doing things and not knowing why im doing them, etc.)

Things were very difficult at first, and i had alot of breakdowns wondering whats happening to me, and why. If I have bpd (Never been diagnosed with that, but a psychiatrist told me when i was about 13-14ish that I had "bpd like symptoms" but didn't go any farther than that due to my age. Haven't had any follow-up with that since.) and just internalized the symptoms of those around me, if I'm having some kind of delusion, or if I have some form of osdd (my therapist and i both agree its unlikely to be DID, because I haven't experienced any significant amnesia barriers).

Most of my "alters" and I are alot different, and its really hard to have conversation, or to try to visualize them in my head to try to talk. And at one point, I had woken up and started to panic because i didn't know where I was, why i was there, or where my "kids" were. Mind you, I'm in a same-sex LDR, and neither of us have had or plan to have kids. I panicked, alot, and of course I say "I" but... I know that that wasn't me. Not really, at least.

Other alters, like Fenrir (who was the first to introduce himself to me, and has become somewhat of a father figure to me) have been very nice, and tries his best to keep me from self harming, and I've noticed comes out alot when I'm having a break down/panic attack. I've had the most communication with him, although everything still feels distant and blurry, as if I don't really know him fully yet.

This issue has been continuing throughout these past two months, and I'm lucky I've had a good friend of mine to talk to about it, that my "alters" can talk to freely (which has helped me learn about them alot.) And who support me unconditionally throughout this whole thing. I've been hiding it from everyone else in my life though, as I'm not sure what to label it as, or if I'm just... Somehow subconsciously faking these symptoms for some reason I don't understand yet.

Admittedly (and this is something I'm extremely ashamed of, and have talked to my therapist about, and will NEVER repeat if i can help it) i have faked illness before. I was very young and in a terrible headspace, and very depressed and suicidal at the time. I had claimed to be experiencing hallucinations, but I knew the whole time that i was lying, and that my young, vulnerable brain was just trying to find some way to get the people around me to care, and to do something to help me, even if it meant i had to make something up. I mention this because I don't feel like this is something thats happening now, with what im experiencing with dissociation and my problems with identity... If i am faking it, I'm not concious of it. At all. A part of me is terrified that I'm wrong, and that this will all pass by me with time, that I'm just jumping to conclusions or faking it again even though I'm not actively trying to like i was before.

Things had been settling with me, though, and i was getting better at accepting what I've been experiencing with my "alters" and dissociating in general. But yesterday I went to my therapist, and ended up finally coming clean and talking to her for about an hour about these experiences, albeit in less detail since I was under extreme stress and was terrified throughout the entire conversation. Terrified that I'd be told I'm crazy, but also terrified of being told I'm not.

She's going to look into finding me a psychiatrist to talk to about this, probably to get a second opinion/diagnosis. She said she didn't think I have did, but that she doesn't think I'm delusional either, and i just.. got so many mixed signals. I don't know what to expect out of this, and i can't self-dx (obviously.) but it feels so terrifying and stressful and fucking awful to just have to sit and wait and do nothing, and not know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what to do or think of any of this. If it turns out that i do have osdd, or something, then at least I'll have some closure, but i have no idea how to deal with that going forward. What that would mean for my life, and the lives of everyone around me.

If i dont, then... What do i do with the knowledge of these people in my head? Just... Try to forget? Make them go away? I've been trying hard to do that and to deny their existence, but it feels ridiculous to do that, and it makes me feel.. really guilty.

I just... Theres just so much happening. And its all scary, and all overwhelming, and I wish I had waited longer to say anything to my therapist about it, until i felt more sure or, or what, I don't know. I don't think i was as ready to talk about it as I thought I was.

If you've made it this far, thanks for, uh, hearing me out. I guess. If anyone can give me advice or comfort or just, any input on this, if you relate or what, I'd really like to hear from you.

#questioning osdd #osdd #bpd #osdd 1b #DID #vent #s/h mention #s/h tw #tw suicude #help????

[jewishangus]

(I'm not even sure if this is the place to ask, sorry if this is a weird question haha) I'm a fanfiction writer and now that angus has been confirmed jewish I don't want to ignore that part of him in my future works. But I know literally nothing about what it means to be jewish. As a jewish fanfiction writer yourself, do you have any advice about how I could respectfully write a jewish angus?

no its a great question!!!! dont worry about asking - if anything, im super glad you’re looking to create good representation!! (and humbled that you’re here asking me? fuck)

tl;dr: being respectful really just means putting thought into your character, and treating judaism like you would any other facet of someone’s personality. most of the time, it won’t be that prominent! but if you don’t think about it, you’re going to end up writing it badly.

under the readmore, however: how to approach thinking about judaism and working it into a character.

ok first of all, if you’re not jewish and know nothing about judaism, there’s a couple of things you should get.

first: ethnicity is key.i’ll leave you to do the googling on the terms - the key to all good representation is research - but if youre european/american, you most likely adhere to a denomination (which, for the numerical majority of jews, is either orthodox, conservative, or reform), if you’re from the middle east/north africa/actual real africa/far east, or live in israel now, you’re likely not to. 

second: surprisingly, politics dont matter. tradition, however, does.you can be liberal and orthodox and conservative and reform, even though orthodox judaism is the more traditional/patriarchal in nature of the two denominations. but you’ve probably heard of if not seen fiddler on the roof - its incredibly hard to stray against what you’ve been raised when youre jewish, mostly because most of your jewish identity comes from your parents and your history! a lot of people do, especially on the political front. but even if people differ from their parents politically, they might not do so jewishly.

third: jews are a nation as well as a religion.jewish culture exists (though it’s different for people of different ethnicities), a jewish language exists, a jewish history exists (even though schools suck at teaching all of it), and jewish national sovereignty also exists and is important - hence, israel. at the same time, a jewish biblical canon exists, and jewish books of law exist, and those two have to coexist together. for some jews, both are equally important. some prioritize one over the other, and do so in different ways.

last: stereotypes are…. actually kind of important.jews love to argue. true. jewish overbearing moms exist. also true. jews control all the money in the world? actually, we joke about that a lot, but sadly that isn’t true. however, for a nation with only ~15 million people, you’ll find us in a lot of high places; we’ll attribute that mostly to our brains, though.when you’re writing stereotypes, think about them. every jewish person thinks about them differently and treats them differently. people who grew up in more of a jewish bubble tend to be more comfortable with them than those who arent.whatever you do, though, dont avoid them like the plague. a lot of them are true, and cute, and a lot of them are something id love to see in fic! as an example, take a line from one of my wips: “So, deep down, Davenport knew it wasn’t a coincidence that when he collected the seven, they all turned out to be Jewish. It’s the Jew-dar, Merle jokes sometimes, or the “you were looking for smart people, what’d you expect?” that Taako said once, but their captain’s more serious than that. He thinks it’s destiny.”

there’s two different stereotypes in there: jews are smart, and the jew-dar, which is more a pun off of the gay-dar than anything. and yet, they’re used light-heartedly, for a laugh that doesn’t poke fun! kind of in the same way angus was confirmed to be jewish.

ok, now that that’s done with, a disclaimer that i implied heavily in the last bit but is very worthy to say outright:

every jew is different! 

when you’re writing a jewish character, this is the most important thing to keep in mind. a person can’t be just jewish, they’re jewish and [insert race/ethnicity] and [insert gender] and [insert age] and [insert socio-economic status] and [insert sexuality] and i can just go on and on and on, because even the men in black hats in nyc’s diamond district have a story and other facets of their personality.

so the key to write a jewish character is not to throw everything else in the garbage - in fact do exactly the opposite. decide everything else first, and then use that to reverse-engineer their judaism.now, this is true even for people who see judaism as their salient identity, like me! even if judaism is the most important thing in their lives, it’s that along with everything else that builds character.

let’s try it with angus, shall we?

okay, so who is angus?

-he’s a boy-he’s 11-he is, for whatever reason, mostly disconnected from his birth family-he loves to learn - an academic at heart-he’s fancy - his birth family was probably rich, or at least he knows his manners.

and if you wanna do some world-building you can - how do jews in faerun deal with magic/other gods/the astral plane/etc? thats a whole other post, but it’s interesting to think about in regards to angus’s psyche.

okay, let’s do this:

we don’t know angus’s race. if he’s white, what denomination does he slide into, if any? if he’s black, he’s either ethiopian or his family converted at some point in his history or he’s an extremely rare character. either way, his generation is probably like. one of the first to integrate into modern judaism. what’s that like? 

he’s a kid. his judaism is going to change over time! how serious is he about it now? is it a source of fun for him, a source of serious learning, or a mix of both? does he make sure to follow the laws, clearing his dorm of bread on passover or fasting on yom kippur or keeping shabbat/kosher, or does he just light candles for hanukkah and eat dairy on midsummer?

where is his family, and why would they have left him? the days of ditching your kid in fear of him growing up bad have been behind us for millennia. if his family is shitty or dead, where’s the extensive community that usually backs up kids of his character? does he still have a network? does he go back and visit?

he found a new family in the bureau and the ipre - are they jewish? do they support him or just leave him be?

he is a boy genius, in most understandings of the term. does he speak hebrew? know torah trope or prayer or jewish law? or is he more of a jewish history buff? or does he like secular subjects better, struggling over yet appreciating the old text yet turning his attention to something else? judaism seriously endorses academia - is that where he got his love for it from?

if he’s fancy, is he traditional? does he wear tzizit under his clothes or was his family not that jewish when they got rich?

the answers to all of these questions are going to create the kind of jew you want angus to be!

and yet - 

you can incorporate all of this character-building into angus and end up writing him the same way as you have this whole time - it all depends on the scene you’re writing him in.

your angus could be the same except he interrupts to ask a question about a religion/custom that’s different than his own. he could be the same except fixing the tzizit under his clothes is a fidget of his. you know what? his judaism is probably only going to come up in little snippets anyway - he could be asking taako which ones are the meat forks and which are the dairy ones, or magnus could play keep-away with his kippah, or lucretia could find him in his room studying torah. or maybe it comes up in conversation? maybe someone calls him a genius and he blushes and says he kinda struggles with his hebrew homework sometimes, and then the conversation moves on as if he hadn’t mentioned judaism at all.

so what do these questions answer, exactly? whether those snippets, those pieces of judaism that work his way into his daily life, are even there to begin with. 

does it come up in conversation? does he spend his free time studying torah? does he wear a kippah or tzizit? does he care about meat and dairy forks? does he end up going on an extreme teen adventure and ask a bunch of questions or is he worried about merle preaching? 

those are up to you, and those decisions are what im working to educate on in this post.

anyways, that’s about all i got! if you wanna find out more about judaism, feel free to ask - i was trying to avoid giving you a crash course on my religion and more focusing on how to incorporate it into a character, but if the former was what you were looking for, hit me up and ill write another 1500 words for you!

hope i could help, and happy writing!

#eden talks #Anonymous #the adventure zone #taz #angus mcdonald #judaism #this is important guys #fuck thanks so much for the question anon! #im honored you thought me important enough to answer #and tried my best

[lycunthrope]

if there was one thing i wish i could tell my younger self, it’d be to not expect other people to fix me, even if i’m having the hardest time of my life, it is MY responsibility to work towards getting better. asking for help and support and creating a damaging codependency are two entirely different things.

and take it from someone who used to be the epitome of that kind of mess, who used to essentially bully people into supporting me, it’s not going to make you better. it’s not going to keep people around you from leaving. it’s not going to help or fix you in any way. you will lose some of the most important people in your life doing this, trust me. it. is. hell.

and i know that a lot of us aren’t doing it intentionally or trying to be shitty, but it still happens and we still need to own up to it. that said, don’t ignore your needs either. you can need communication and reassurance and still be respectful and have a good relationship by:

asking how your friend/partner is and if they’re up to hearing you vent. make it very clear that it’s ok if they’re not up to it. but don’t just ask how they are when you need attention, make sure it’s clear you care.

set up boundaries, and let your friend/partner do the same. discuss what makes you uncomfortable and what you may need and let them do the very same, and make sure you respect it.

don’t be vague when asking for reassurance. trust me your friend/partner WILL NOT mind if you up and ask “is it ok if i get some reassurance?”. make sure they know it’s not because they’re doing something wrong, though, but because of your own anxieties.

if the person is helping you, follow their damn advice. this sounds like a no-brainer, but it gets seriously frustrating when you think someone might get hurt and they’re outright rejecting everything you’re saying. this isn’t to say that you need to make your illness more convenient for them, but don’t ask for help if all you’re doing is making someone worry on purpose.

talk to them about things besides how badly you’re doing. having a relationship where you openly vent is fine, but that’s not what they’re there for. recognize and accept the fact that people exist outside of your life and actively work at being as good to someone as they are to you.

i know a lot of this sounds harsh. and i know this sounds like im calling everyone who’s clingy a bad person- i’m not. a lot of us don’t understand the way our behaviors hurt people when we’re in the worst throes of it and when they leave, we wonder why. you’re not irredeemable, and you’re not 100% a bad person, either. if you’re guilty of having hurt/lost people due to your behaviors, then work to change it. apologize to the people around you and let them know you’re working on it, and that it’ll take time. you’ll notice such a drastic improvement in yourself and your friendships, trust me.

#mental health #ok2rb #advice #clinginess #pd's #codependence #self help #bpd

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/24/19 12:09am

“Wish i could get a little undrunk so i could uncall you at 5 in the morning, i would unfuck you..”

i guess its that time of the night where we process some shit before my sleeping pill makes me too high to type. 

mark and i hooked up. it actually happened?.. i’m feeling a lot of things but also pretty reserved, as far as things go with me. i’m not leaping into the romancey shit like I usually do. i’m actually pretty unhappy about it, actually.

i’ve been thinking about this moment for so long.. how it would feel to finally be with him and kiss him and say the things i’ve been feeling, and oh god, to hear it back? i should be happy.. im not happy.

there’s so much on the line here.. it’s not just some friend either.. our friendship was, and is, really important to me. i weighted it above other things, and now i feel like i just threw it all away for selfish reasons. i wanted to feel loved and i wanted to be touched and i wanted to touch him and i wanted to have the satisfaction of knowing he felt the same.. i wanted the euphoria of the calm before the sex where everything’s out on the table and we feel the same way and we’re holding our breath seeing who will make the first move and i just.. 

i think i regret it a little bit..

i think i’ve been selfish about it, cuz its what i wanted and what i have wanted for honestly a really long time but kept to myself cuz there was no way in the world that he would go for someone like me and there’s no way that someone as plain as me could captivate someone like him beyond just sex.. but we didn’t even have sex?.. 

lemme explain.

last night i went out to a drag show with friends, and it was so wonderful and fun and raunchy and just what i needed. it was a confidence boost (even if i struck out with a girl at the bar, i still tried!) and i got back to the frat house at 1am, drunk and confident and ready to push my limits with him.

we hung out for hours in the spare room, me being way too flirty and touchy with him and him being respectful but present.. we talked until i sobered up and we were laying in bed and the lights are off and he names the people he would have sex with in the frat and im not on the list and i feel uneasy and he talks about having a thing for people in the frat and i ask if he ever had a thing for me and he says yes, a while ago. the beginning of rush, over a year and a half ago. and he asks me if i ever had a thing for him and my face feels so hot and i shut my eyes

“you want my honest answer?”

“..yeah”

“.. i kinda still do.”

and he was quiet for so long and i felt so shitty about it and felt like i made things super weird and i said sorry and he was like no yer fine, which made me feel kinda worse.. i changed the subject and we talked about something else for a bit and then he got quiet again so i asked what was on his mind

“just what you said”

“i’m sorry..”

“don’t be. i’m glad you said something. I’ve been kinda feeling the same way for a while and didn’t know what to do about it.” 

i say something to the effect of i was trying to bury it because i didn’t want to fuck up the friendship, and he says he felt the same. and we lay there motionless for a while, staring at the ceiling. everything’s out in the open. cards on the table. breathing.

i move my head to his shoulder, and he wraps an arm around me and my hands are on his chest and our legs are tied up and we just hold each other. silence. breathing. squeezing.

i say “is this stupid? is this dangerous territory?” he says he doesn’t know. 

he asks how long I’ve felt this way, and i say for months probably. it was part of the reason i wanted to end my relationship with spencer, because i was having feelings for someone else.. we lay there. silence. breathing.

he pulls me in closer and holds me so tightly. he says he feels really happy. 

we stay there until he falls asleep and i slip out of his arms cuz i cant sleep tangled up. it takes me a while but i eventually fall asleep. we wake up around 7:30. i go to the bathroom and wash last nights makeup off my face. i come back and we hang out. we talk, we laugh, we cuddle.. 

at some point i was getting frustrated that he wouldn’t just bite the bullet and kiss me. i dont have much balls, but i can communicate enough. and i start getting punchy and he’s laughing at me like what do you want? and im pouting and not saying anything and then eventually he tells me to roll on my side to face him and he looks at me and he moves my hair like in the movies and he moves in and half grazes my lips with his and moves back quickly and says is that what you meant? and i laugh and exclaim yes! finally! 

(and now the good part) 

i pull him back and then it just happens. all that i had envisioned that the moment would be like doesnt matter anymore because its just me and him and we’re kissing and he’s moving almost on top of me and after a bit he pulls off me and lays down and says how was that? and i dont even answer as i start kissing him again and get on top of him and we’re moving and he’s grabbing my ass (mark grabbed my ass?? who are we??) and he’s moaning like i’ve never experienced a guy doing and at some point i say that ya know.. we could like.. actually do it?.. and he says “im not sure” and that he’s a little overwhelmed and hasn’t wrapped his head around the fact that any of this is even happening. and i feel kinda rejected and i get off him, not in a make a scene way, but in a like we should take a breather way. and we lay there and i’m so hot and bothered and he starts apologizing being like 

“was that too much? did i embarrass myself?”

 "no no you’re fine, im just a little frustrated”

“did i do something wrong? I’m sorry”

“no.. i just.. want.. you..”

and then he’s on top of me and he’s kissing me and kissing my neck and he kisses down.. then kinda rests his head on my thigh? and then we just had a totally normal unrelated conversation while he was resting between my legs? in the most nonchalant way and it was wholesome and funny and fuck man..

we moved into his room, cuz ac, and we were laying in his bed talking and sharing memes and i ask what he’s thinking about 

“sex. you?”

“sex.” 

and i look him in the eye and kind of smile, and i think he avoids it and says he’s going to the bathroom, and i’m thinking when he gets back, that’s when it can happen.

it felt kinda perfect in a way. like yeah, i wanted to sleep with him, like badly, but i think it’s better to ease in and not go too fast that we can’t backtrack if necessary.. but i didn’t want to backtrack.. 

in the moment, when its just me and him, i have all the confidence and sensibility to make decisions and do things i’m comfortable with, but then other people talk to me in the house and pull me out of his room and then it becomes a group hangout instead of just us 2. and its fine, cuz we are great friends and we just joined conversation and it peters out.. and then im packing to leave and he gets in the shower and i text him that ill probably head out and he texts me drive safe love ya bud!! and i kinda felt horrible?.. i feel like i’m panicking and hurting.. and i wait for him and he gets out of the shower and we sit together and i just wanted one more slight cuddle before heading out cuz reassurance i guess.. so fucking stupid..

he just goes right back to our usual cadence of banter and memes and physical distance and i’m in a weird fragile place feeling like i need him

i do not need him

and i get enough physical reassurance to put on my big girl face to drive home and go about my day pretending that i’m not deeply upset at the thought that i just lost my best friend cuz i caught feelings..

i know i’m a pretty dramatic person, i did do theatre for years for a reason. homegirl likes attention. and i dont take rejection super well (hence no longer doing theatre lol). and it felt.. weird. 99% of the weird was definitely coming from me. cuz he just started acting like my friend again, and thats fine, but now i want him even more..

had we just fucked and gotten it over with, i could settle down. but we just dry humped and he kissed me over my clothes.. which was lovely, but i’m also a big girl and i want to have sex.. and now i feel like im gunna fixate on it until it can happen..

i think i was underselling him, sexually, to myself cuz i didn’t want to get my hopes up.. he’s not my physical type at all, and he’s like a weird guy and like my best friend, but it ended up being pretty good.. we could find our groove probably, if he wanted to..

i don’t even know where we stand now. i don’t know what he wants, really. he says he’s cool with whatever as long as we stay friends, and i agree. the friendship is the most important thing here. and i don’t want things to be weird, but i cant back out now just for preservation cuz i want to be with him and i love him.. a lot

still processing. glad i got it all on paper, but now its 1am and i gotta cool off cuz im hot n bothered and ugh.. i just wish we could really talk about it..

i texted him that i missed him at like 11:20. he hasn’t responded.

update at 1pm the next day he said “miss you too friend”

dude.. fuck this.

“on some nights like this I cant help but think of us.. i’ve been reminiscing, sipping, missing you. can you tell me whats with all this distant love? on some nights like this I just wanna text you, but for what? you’ll say you want me then go switch it up.. just gonna play with my emotions just because...”

#samiswriting

[royalrastafariannaynays]

i’m a dirty rotten ace inclusionist, and here’s why

so against my better judgement and some advice from friends, ive decided to make a post about ace discourse

because it just kinda... hurts to see shit about it every day. and i feel like a broken record saying that, but it hurts. 

if youre reading this, and youre an exclusionist, please read the entire thing and don’t come storming into my inbox to tell me hurtful shit because odds are, ive seen it already and im sure im not gonna cover everything, just some of the stuff ive seen today

So, me. ill tell my story even tho no one asked for it, because unfortunately on this website people demand proof of person in order to give someone validity or some shit. im asexual. and i stick to that, because i don’t really experience attraction or arousal at all. that changes sometimes, but rarely. im genitals-repulsed as well. but i am still intimate with my partner sometimes, and sometimes i force the candle to light, because idk i get bored. 

but when i figured out i was ace, i was texting my best friend. and he suggested it, and immediately i felt broken and wrong thinking about the fact that i could be ace. I had to be convinced that it was okay. that’s something that non-ace people dont seem to get. not feeling sexual, or sexual about other, real people, can make you feel broken. it makes me feel like shit, and i have some dysfunction with partners as well. i have trauma in my past, but im convinced that doesn’t have too much to do with it. And maybe it’s a temporary thing, and ill change in the future. But that doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel like less of a human being when i think about it. and i have no doubt that the idea has crossed other ace peoples’ minds before. “am i broken?” i ask my girlfriend that question so much. because my body doesnt do this thing that both science and the modern media and society tell me that it should do, and should do very easily. my FAMILY tells me its weird and ill be fine. my FRIENDS don’t get it. my mother thinks it’s horseshit. and there’s another thing.

i kinda feel like, if someone is gonna go excluding ace people and shoving them out, will i be shoved out for being closeted, or straight-passing when im not with my girlfriend, as well? it’s a legitimate fear and it feels really bad. and then, can you imagine how it feels having a portion of my identity actively shat on by this website? every fucking day of this month? the pride month?

another thing that non-ace people dont seem to understand or consider, either, is the dysphoria that ace people experience. ace people frequently hate their bodies, feel like they don’t belong in them, or feel separated from normalcy by what they are. 

it’s not a “whose suffering is worse” game, though we can still understand that people face greater harm and trials in their life by being different parts of lgbt, and allow people who suffer less, like say people who are closeted, bi or pan people who are “straight passing” dating the opposite gender, etc, to be a part of it. in my experience, lgbt+ is about acceptance and love, and ill stick to that. yes it’s possible to recognize that say, a trans woman would suffer more than a cishet ace. but that doesnt mean that one should be less allowed to be a part than another.

“ace people aren’t oppressed” well no maybe not to the degree that the typical lgbt person is, but around the world people are forced into obligatory sexual situations they may or may not want, and if they refuse or cannot perform, they can be labeled as broken, thrown out of their home, or r*ped. there is social pressure from the intensely sexual modern media; there is social pressure from society and family; there is social pressure from significant others and partners to perform, and then, especially for women, there is pressure to accept things, and there is pressure to perform sexually in order to have a happy life; IE: having children, families, satisfied partners, and so on. no, these aren’t as significant outwardly as “getting stabbed to death for existing” ((which yeah, does happen, but is an extreme example that someone i know loves to use to win arguments by playing the manipulative “of course this means you care less about the human lives of gay men than the thing you’re arguing for” card. im not saying that situations are equal here, jesus, im saying that oppression exists in many forms)). and, for a society where sex is a function that bodies easily perform, it seems easy enough to go along with things. But for some people, bodies either do not or will not perform. or there is repulsion, or other things and i lost my train of thought. got distracted, my apologies

ace people might be cishet, yeah, but that doesnt mean they belong any less in my opinion. no, i dont think they should be able to call themself qu**r, thats stupid. they aren’t allowed to reclaim any slurs that dont belong to them. that’s also really fucking stupid. and im sorry, but no decent person will try to do that. and why not let them come to the club, okay? they still face problems. like i say maybe fifty billion times in this post, yes, they don’t face the same problems, but they still have them. 

“start your own community” where? how? if you can give me a legitimate answer on this without frothing at the mouth, please do. But i have no idea how ace people are going to go into starting a community without being ridiculed, shoved aside and stuff. i have no idea how they are all going to bond and meet over a lot of different pipelines of communication, like the ones in communities they are already a part of. shoving people out, putting a stake in the middle of the cracks in the floor, it does nothing to strengthen our community. 

“well this person treated me badly” yes and that exists everywhere on this hellsite. I’ve seen a lot of shit, im sure you have too/

the split attraction model, in my opinion, is useful. but mainly for ace people, or aro people, to make describing themself easier in a shorthand. that’s what the model is best for. and if you come into my inbox and say stuff about how “someone forced the split attraction model on me” that was an individual person and does not lend to the usefulness of the model. and then if you come into my inbox with something about “the split attraction model harms people who arent ace and lets people deny their sexuality”. it is a tool. no one forced you to use it. im certainly not saying everyone should use it. in fact, maybe a lot of the people who do use it, should not. but i like the split attraction model, especially for myself. because i can easily identify and people know what im talking about. that simple. 

okay, that’s all i wanted to say. i wish i had a concrete conclusion but i am just. really tired. i need to unfollow some people. i just wanted to get it off my chest, and say my peace in a place i can find it. again, sorry for my mobile people

#sorry to people on mobile #long post #hopefully this wont pop up on mobile #:l #ace discourse #minor tmi putting that tag to be safe

[calvinlepesh]

Purpose? Purpose.

My life was perfect til that day. I didn't even have a clue of how good off I was. Disrespectful, ungrateful, angry, but truly, sad. "From the beginning of my time or from the realization of the universe?" Very bold question I ask myself currently. How do I want to convey my knowledge? How do I want people to percieve what i will tell them? How will I word my stories and thoughts in a way that is too hard for normal people to understand? Can I? From the beginning it is! Now, Born Valentines day 1999 was chubby cheeked enthusiastically loved and cherished Lepesh. Born in Minnesota cold. Raised in Minnesota cold. Lepesh knew hot summer fun, running through the sprinklers, water balloon fights, Football, Basketball, Ice cream trucks, Chalk on the side walk/driveway, Biking with neighbors around our nitche. Biking by myself to the gasstation for candy. Waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement, Getting caught waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement. Lepesh knew winter fun. Snowboarding, Snowfuckingshoeing, Sleding, Snow tubing, Snowball fights, Huge snowmen, Snow forts along the cul-de-sac snowwall created by the huge cool snow plow! Wow! I thought to myself  mouth wide open with a smile, as the large plow on the front of the truck bursted through large mountainous snow mounds with ease. Creating wonderous mounds of snow in every frontyard across the neighborhood. Building snow forts and then having a war with snow balls. The point is my childhood was filled with fucking joy and happiness. It rocked man and Im super happy that it happened. I couldn't imagine this shit happening to me before.. Well before it happened. Its 2008. Its december as I sit on the couch with my brother and my parents..... well wait here theres a little more first. February 14th 2008 Im nine years old today. Im in Mr.Larsons fourth grade class. I enjoy creative writing, recess and lunch. although I didn't write much. I really love football and sports around this time. I decided to be a cowboys football fan when my dad said I could choose cause hes too nice to force me into being a Vikings fan. My parents especially my mom but definitely my dad aswell. Let us choose what we wanted. Which I disagree with now and will certainly not allow my childeren to decide what is right. Although Im sure I will at some point definitely not in elementary what the fuck?! Anyways. Decieded to be a cowboys fan cause my dad hates them and loves the Vikings. Which I now love today. Anyways. Im in the car with my whole immediate family driving. I ask where we're going or what we're doing. While heading west in the car my dad tells me we're going to Wisconsin and we're gonna stay the night at a hotel. The entire car ride their my dad is messing with me and im furious. Im certain today if I was in the passenger seat during the exchanges between my father and I I'd be laughing my ass off. But almost at the same time sad and angry of how ungrateful and disrespectful I probably was to my father. Idk maybe I just pouted, which I did alot lol.. anyways We finally arrive after probably an hour or so drive west, not infact in the direction of Wisconsin to a large farm in eastern Minnesota. 'There's nothing here' I thought to myself. It wasn't a desolate farm but damn near close. Large housing for live stock aswell as people. My father then reveals that im going to be getting my own dog for my birthday. I immediately light with excitement and smiles. Joy pulsing in my heart. Ive always wanted a dOG' i think to myself as I turn to my brother with excitement. I can only imagine how wide and big my smile and cheeks were to this day. Entering into the large barn with my family. Me, my brother, mother , and father all enter the barn to the amazement of dogs and insulation lol. From the outside it almost looks like a overly large stereotypical red barn, however the inside has another side to the story. Carpeted floors off to the left held the petting area with already free roaming dogs. while the right side of the room looked as if they did paper work and forms and whatnot. Going right wasn't even a thought in my head. LEFT. Headed for the dogs im stopped by my mom who is greeted by the worker/farmer. Im not even listening to her. I want a fucking dog. Moments go and my patience already thin is thinner. It takes alot for me to blow up even as a child. The problem was the things building up my 'meter of rage' as a child shouldn't have been. Anyway. Finally I head over to the dogs climbing the little fence even a little small for me already tall for my age. Immediately I spot an adorable smaller black dog. I kneel down to sit with it and attempt to hold it. Only to kneel right into a huge carpet puddle newly accompanied by its main ingredient dog piss. Nice. As i tell my mom she just laughs and tells me to be careful. Its what I did worst and least often. Unfortunately that was one of my biggest issues. After looking for awhile. I now realize my dad was probably ready to leave after 10-15 minutes definitely longer than that but Understandable nonetheless. After probably 35-45 minutes of trying to find a dog that didnt shed and was actually good looking. My mom had been carrying this one dog in paticular for a decent amount of time. Asleep in her arms as if a child beautifully sleeps my savior..... The car ride home Hank held the dog the entire time. Almost sinisterly which him being an older brother. acceptable, however frowned upon. Uncharacteristically careful I am as I hold my new dog. Smile from cheek to cheek and thats a long distance lol. Still carefully holding her i slowly bring her and a blanket along with hank to the basement. Where I lay out the fluffy green blanket and set Katy ever so gentely down. Standing next to my brother stareing almost in a daze like trance. We have a dog!' We were so happy. Hank and Lep happy? Together? very rare nowadays. I would certainly come to forget of such times even now almost a foriegn concept of us being so happy together. Now back to the OG storayyy............ Holding katy close weilding her support almost as a weapon to defend myself from such an awful thing. Its happening' I feel it' i just know' its happening' We are able to create our own reality because we (humans) designed a very primitive (in comparison to the universe) way to communicate how we feel. Speech. Speech is very important. Its our first amendment here in the US. say whatever u want. Pretty much. our speech is primitive because it doesn't describe things that we are uncertain of. We have to choose in our speech whether to Have no Idea Agree disagree yes no. Now of course there are exceptions to that. But not to normal people. Normal people can't understand this. If you are reading this right now and are lost for words but think you're 'awake' so to speak. just listen. This is a huge secret to life. Huge. It may change ur life over night. The best part about it is you get to decide. Ask yourself. Am I going to be open minded to what this man has to say? Ask yourself do I want whatever he says to be true in my life?... Just so I can touch as many people as possible and help the (working class which im apart of} hear me out. You may think im fucking crazy or that idk what life even is either and you're right I don't but all you have to do IS ACCEPT THAT WHATEVER IS/WILL/HAS EVER HAPPENED, Happened because you decided it was going to happen. Before you were even born. Before anybody way born. The best part about it. Is that it is unpredictable and it is fueled and directed DIRECTLY from our speech. Whatever you speak out loud for example say I said and I have. I want to fucking die. and I meant it. I really mean it. If you don't mean what you say then learn to do that before anything. Before u start this really take the time to realize ur worth not as a person but as you. Cause you created everything in your world. The best part you created it that way cause thats the way it turns out best for you. I hope atleast. Think about it. You get through everything. most things people kill themselves over. You're trying to make yourself strong for some reason possibly? or maybe catching myself up to everyone else cause I had such a nice and spoiled childhood? Past karma current karma. Thats what gets me. Theres no way a god created this world. But i could've created this world. Maybe im evil just like the world a little bit deep down. I am. Definitely a little evil. Its apart of my soul. Its apart of everyones soul in my world maybe not as much on some people and Ill never know why that is and I don't need to cause, I trust my judgement. It may be wrong sometimes but im still alive today for some reason that I decieded. thats the beauty of myself I truly never know what im gonna do each day specifically. Ill know if im gonna be tired or up for another 5 hours. Cause I will be and Ill feel it. Ill know when i need to fucking pee. But I never know what mindset is right or true for me. partially cause i have shitty short term memory and bad hearing and vision and a bad liver. im 19 lol. Anyway. Basically the secret is speak what you want and mean it everyday. You'll know if you dont want it as badly some days. you might even miss a day. All you're trying to do for yourself by doing this is getting yourself into a routine where you put those '(vibes) or Speech and words/ Communication. Communicate with your universe. Speak how you feel. Speak what you want. Speak how you're going to get it. Even if you're thinking theres no fucking way thatll happen. Theres no fucking way im ever going to pass through college. theres no fucking way id be able to get through law school. I can't be a chef I've hardly cooked. are my common misfires. Misfires however very common after the first few days to weeks will disapate if you PUSH ON! Just like you always have! This is what you were waiting to find. You created the world it is today for yourself today to see this and reconize for yourself today. That you're doing this wrong. Since starting my program I live with partial contentment as a human being. However I personally keep myself open to negative thoughts and wishes periodically to balance my life. However as for most of u assume this is rather stupid but selfless nonetheless. The reason I hold dark as I hold light is because this is what I decieded and this was meant to happen. The decision made by the creator of my universe which is me to write this to you and share what I have learned to help better your lifes for the benefit of them I do not know what I or they gain from this because it is beyond my comprehension aswell as yours. It could be for something of the lines of in 200 years cause I told you these secrets and my experiences and helped you better your life over time and you benefitted and you passed onto your childeren. that no your family lives on in the future 200 years from now. and they're good people. maybe not all. But if taught correctly and this isnt a cureall for everybody. But it significantly helps better improve overall mood and life tolerance in your life. It doesn't work immediately. It isn't gonna take it easy on you just cause you know now. In fact. If you are not open minded currently do not read because this idea sent and recieved and read and processed by a closed mind. Blocks the process from ever having the ability for your mind to hear and read properly as an openminded individual would.

[profoundgardenertree-blog]

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"insurance quotes for cleaning service

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I live in Texas, and am looking for a health insurance plan that will cover maternity that is reasonably priced.""

Isn't this the same as health insurance?

The company that I just got hired at gives me the following benefits: Medical, dental and life insurance. What do they mean by medical ? isn't this basically health insurance? And do you think this is a good benefit?""

How much would car insurance cost on average?

How much would car insurance cost on average for a 19-year old male, living on his own, drives about 40 miles a day and has had no traffic violations. what would the cost per month be?""

Auto insurance in California?

I bought a car in Aug 09. It's under my dads name for cheaper insurance purpose. But I never really got to the insurance part and have been driving w/out it. I just got a letter in the mail from the DMV saying my registration is suspended because I haven't provided financial proof... So I went earlier... and if my dad were to add the car and list me as a 2nd driver on my car, I would pay too much :| So the question here is... if my dad were to add the car and not list me as a 2nd driver, will I be covered? I really don't give a crap if it's fraud or not, just need to know if I will be covered since he will be lending me the car. Only place I really drive it to is work, and I work overnight so there's no cars around! ..and weekends. Plus with gas prices this high I stay below the 1.5k rpm's.""

Cheapest place to get motorbike insurance?

hello im looking to get a skyjet125 ive got my CBT, this is my first bike where is the cheapest place to get insurance ? cheers""

""Question for Daycare center/summer camp owners, how much does your daycare insurance cost each month?""

I am looking into starting a summer camp type daycare next summer. I am writing up a cost summary and I have no clue what the average price for insurance is. I am looking for like the insurance that covers injuries, accidents, accident while on field trips/bus and like when you get sued for these injuries and stuff. I do not need to average cost of insurance for the building or vehicles. Any help as to how much is an average cost, or what the correct title to what I am looking for is, I have found it to be called just Daycare insurance, is there another name or does it depend on the company? Also what is your insurance price dependent on (# of kids, size of facility, age of the kids, etc.). Any help is greatly appreciated, thank you so much.""

Looking for health insurance?

I am looking for a health insurance. Which way you found yours? Are there special topics to look about? Would be happy about your advice :-)

Cheapest sport cars for teenagers?

What is the best cheapest sport car and the cheapest insurance.

Do you have to have a care to have car insurance?

I am not ready to purchase a car, however I figured if I started paying car insurance now, when I am ready to purchase a car I wont have to pay so much to start the policy. Is this true?""

Allstate insurance raising my rates. real or fraud.?

they have raised my rates twice in less than 6 months. my first months were 94 for the platnum plan then in november they raised to 98 and now in march they raised to 108. the say that the state of texas is raising rates for companies and thats why my rates go up. is this happening to anyone else. im in tx. im changing my plan as soon as possible. anyone have allstate that could advise.

Why is car insurance so high?

the guy who made young drivers insurance so High should be dragged out in public and shot in front of his family!

Car insurance vs driver insurance?

In California, it is illegal to drive without proof of car insurance. Does that mean proof that the car I'm driving is insured or proof that I am insured as a driver? And what if you have one but not the other (like you're driving a friend's car)?""

Hey im 16 and i want my licence but insurence is pretty expensive?

hey im 16 and i want my licence but insurence is pretty expensive which company do you think i can get the cheapest insurance on and how much do you think it will cost thank you

How much would insurance cost for a 16 year old boy driving a BMW?

I'm looking into buying a BMW 525 I for my first car (2003). I really dont wanna spend all the money on insurance so I would like to no how much it will be for my car. I live in Connecticut if that helps. PS. I'm not some rich snob whose parents are buying a car, i work very hard for the money I do have.""

How much should whole life insurance cost for a younger individual?

I would like to know a general range of prices for a younger age. I am 22 and I went to nationwide but whole life was too expense. They quoted a 30 year term, $250K for $25/month, which I still feel is expensive. Let me know what you think.""

How do I lower my car insurance?

I have a 2001 Toyota Rav4L with 65K miles on it and paid for. The Kelly Blue Book value gives me an average estimated value of $9,000. My insurance now with Liberty Mutual is $113/month. So a little over $1,300/year. I called last time to get a lower rate but they convinced me that this is the minimum I should stay with and lowered it from $150 by increasing my deductible. I put my specifics in progressive and quote-net and ended up with half the rate for nearly exactly the same conditions that liberty is offering me. I plan to take public transportation more and park the car. I just want to be able to legally drive it to get somewhere in case of emergency and be covered if the car is hit. What would you suggest?""

Cost of malpractice insurance for neurosurgeon?

I'm planning on specializing in neurosurgery however I persistently receive word of the exorbitant malpractice insurance rates majorly eating into the salary. Do any of you have a clue of the average rate neurosurgeons are charged? I don't want a specific quote, just the average.""

insurance quotes for cleaning service

insurance quotes for cleaning service

Good car insurance 17 years old?

what car would be cheap to buy and cheap on insurance for a 17years.

Is my insurance going to pay? california?

I have a car thats fully covered by Murcury. I lent my car to my boyfriend (not knowing he didnt have a current DL), he was picking something up for me and coming home when he got into an accident. He was found to be at fault and it involved 3 other cars. I am freaking out because we do not have the extra cash to pay out of pocket. will my insurance pay? I know my deductable will go up and so will my rate. I am not worried about that right now. I just want to know if he will be covered because he(even though he has no DL) was driving my fully covered car. CALIFORNIA ONLY""

Motorbike bike insurance for a learner bike insurance ? wot the cheaper way to get bike insurance?

Hi can any of you tell me the cheaper way of getting motorbike insurance iv got a full car licence but i am a learner biker . on a CBT Licence .can any one tell me the best way to keep the cost of bike insurance down

Mazda miata insurance?

okay so im 16 getting a miata, is the cost of insurance going to be high?""

What is the toll free phone number for Travelers Insurance?

I am looking for a toll free phone number with Travelers Insurance that is dedicated to new customer quotes not existing customer service.

List of cheap auto insurance in Georgia $40-$50 a month?

cheap auto insurance in Georgia .looking for where I can pay btw $40-$50 a month

What is the average price of business insurance?

What is the average price of business insurance?

""I want to drive into Mexico, but don't know much about car insurance...any help??""

I'm driving to Monterrey, about 140 miles south of the border. I've driven in Mexico before and done the visa thing and all, but I've never driven my car there. When I drove before, I was under the rented vehicles' insurance. I know I need to purchase a driving visa from the customs building right across the border in Nuevo Laredo, but what about my insurance? I have AAA, and i've heard that they do something, but i'm not sure what!! Any suggestions or advice about international driving insurance??""

Health Insurance for 25 Year Old Disabled Male?

I'm 23 years old and I live in California. I work full time but only make $8 an hour. My husband is 25 and has been disabled since age 12. He has a serious back injury and may be paralyzed one day and he cannot work. If this ever happens, I really don't want to be $1 million dollars in debt because we are uninsured. I have never bought health insurance before and I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I'm looking for insurance that will cover him if he needs to go to the emergency rooom, needs an operation or will cover him if he does indeed become paralyzed. Where do I start? What are our options? Will he be denied because of a pre existing condition? I don't care what I have to pay, I just want him to be insured. We don't want to go throught the process of getting him SSI because we don't want to be poor forever and if I make over a certain amount he will lose everything. Thanks for your help, I REALLY appreciate it.""

How do i find out auto insurance rates with a company wihtout joining them?

I'm currently on my parents insurance and want to move onto my own

Whats your best insurance quote? (Young guys only plz!)?

Just curious, whats your best insurance quote guys? - I'm hunting for a decent deal for my tiny little 796cc car outside.. Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna boy race with my 796cc mean machine. So yeah, whats your best quotes and is it fully comp, third party only? fire and theft? So far I got a 700 quote third party fire and theft I'm quite happy with... Sorry girls, no offense but I'm kind of looking for guys answers, Your insurance is completely different :) And I'm 18 btw""

I'm looking for decent but affordable health insurance that includes maternity...anyone know of some?

I'm looking for decent but affordable health insurance that includes maternity...anyone know of some?

Can I buy medical insurance online or something right before I go to the hospital ?

Am allowed to do that or is there some kind of waiting period you have do ? also if you don't have to wait and can go immediately are there any really good low cost medical insurance plans for Northern California.

What are the typical insurance rates for small retail businesses?

I'm planning on opening a small book store in East King County, WA in the next year or two. The store will be about 1,100 - 1,200 square feet. Does anyone have an idea of what the premium would be for general liability insurance? I can't get a quote because the store doesn't exist yet, but I need the info for my business plan. Help!""

Which car is the cheapest to insure for a newly qualified 17 year old driver ?

My daughter wants her own car but insurance costs seem very high - can anyone sugest a suitable car for a new driver that won't cost her a small fortune to run or maintain ?

How auto insurance determine how much your car worth after claim?

I had a 1998 Subaru Forester S sport utility 132,000 miles and it was totaled. I read some places and people say that insurance don't follow the Kelley blue book and some say they do. Others say they go by autotrader.com or nada.com. Why is that? are they trying to trick us by which value is lower? My insurance offered me only $3200 but it know it worth more than that. Vehix.com say it value at 3900 and kelly blue book say about 4300 so which is right?""

Is there a way to get car insurance quotes anonymously?

I'm currently shopping for a car, and I've whittle my choices down substantially. One of the factors that can make a difference is discovering the cost of insurance. Unfortunately, everytime I try to get quotes on the models online, every single insurance company wants my personal information. I don't want them to be calling me, flooding my inbox or mailbox with advertisements, or otherwise harassing me. All I want is a comparison between some cars. I would be willing to tell them non-personal info, such as the fact that it'll be one car and that my driving record is spotless; I'd be willing to prove the latter via an MVR after I select my insurer. If there are any ideas on how I can get this information without revealing who I am, I'm just not seeing it. Any help is appreciated!""

Is it possible to fake an Auto Insurance Quote survey...?

I do surveys online for things and there are some that give a lot of credit but they are usually like auto insurance quote ones and health insurance quotes so im wondering if i can fake that i dont want to put any of my info what im really looking for is like a list of working SSN and junk like that.

Is it possible to get affordable life insurance and dental insurance if i am not employed?

.........and if so, roughly how much money would this cost per month?""

How much is car insurance for a 20 yr old?

20k car paying monthly, want estimated numbers dont give me no depends on your state and what car your driving""

Is 21st Century Auto Insurance a good company?

I'm asking because I just switched over from progressive to 21st and now I'm a little worried because I've seen a lot of negative comments on their facebook fan page and after reading some of the things about their roadside assistance works I'm wondering if I made a mistake. My policy with progressive didn't cover much and the one I have with 21st gives me more coverage for the same price so idk. Is 21st as bad as they're making it out to be?

What is the cost of insurance for a bugatti?

What is the cost of insurance for a bugatti?

Cheap Car Insurance for International Drivers License holder in the UK?

please i was told i could use my IDL here for a year. but to be able to drive my auntie's car i would have to get car insurance. i just need it for a couple of weeks. so please if anyone knows how i can obtain one please let me know thank you

""I lower my car insurance deductible a week ago, would the insurance company accept my claim today?""

Because of the bad snowy weather we been having, I recently lower my car deductible from $1000 to $250 . My car just sliped today and hit a curve. I took it to have it checked, and the shop told me it would be around $3000 to get the car fix. Would my insurance company think that i lower my deductible after the incident happened? Would they cover the damage? Should i wait before trying to file the claim?""

Cheap minibus insurance?

where can i get cheap minibus insce.

insurance quotes for cleaning service

insurance quotes for cleaning service

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/dexter-new-mexico-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-88230-jill-melville/"

[laurenraae-blog-blog]

x

Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

Im confused about so much lately haha. Work/Cars/Money/Boys/Life in general

Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Sometimes :)

If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

I probably wouldnt mind if they did it once or twice but i wouldnt be able to deal with it long-term.

Do you find it easy to trust others?

Yes, too much.I always end up regretting it.

What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Not really appropriate hahaha

You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Chloe!

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

First time- I did find out. I met a boy when i was drunk at altitude one night and it turned out that he worked with my ex and my ex slept with another girl he met at the bar they both worked in. It was a month after we broke up  that i found out so it got pretty messy!

Second time- I was engaged to him, and found messages where he was organising to sleep with some chick while i was at work on nightshift.. they had sent disgusting photos and videos to each other for a few weeks. I asked him to move out and broke off the engagement.

Are you close with your dad?

No, but its improving

I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

Ah, correct.

What are you listening to?

Revenge- P!nk & Eminem.

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Water.

Do you like hickeys?

Theyre trashy, especially when someone is showing off with it.

What time do you go to bed?

Im a shiftworker.. i dont have a regular bed time.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

Yeah. But not so much anymore because i kinda expect it from them now!

Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Yes

Do you always answer your texts?

Not always, but mostly

Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

No,

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Today 

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

Yes :)

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I was happy.. couldnt wait to sleep in

Is anyone else in the room with you?

Nope.

Do you believe what goes around comes around?

Im hoping so.

Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Im happier now :)

Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

Yes, 

In the past week, have you cried?

No

What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

Light grey

Do people ever call you by your last name?

Usually its just lauren or loz

Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Not that i know of

Do you have a best friend?

Yes

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

Not hard...i kinda expect it haha

Who was your last call from?

Allie 

Are you mad at anyone?

One person 

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Most of them were.

How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

24

How many more days until your birthday?

5 months.. so we will go with roughly 150

Do you have any summer plans yet?

Probably working every single day again!

Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Yes :)

Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

Nope.

Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Yep.

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

Nah.

Do you think age matters in relationships?

Not usually, but it depends.

Are you available?

Im single, yes

How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

A few... they always end up badly

If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Nose.

Do you believe exes can be friends?

Usually if they are still in love or didnt really love each other they can be. If you truely love someone and you break up its kind of hard to go back there because you dont know what to say to that person. It also depends on why you broke up.

Do you regret anything?

Yes

Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

Waking up in 5 hours for work but im not tired.

Did you ever lose a best friend?

Yes, this year. She was my bestfriend and when i broke off the relationship she disappeared and then all of a sudden stopped talking to me. I dont know why.

Was your last kiss a mistake?

No.

Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Im too shy to tell him i have feelings for him, and his too fucked up from a previous relationship i think ... it will never work

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

No! Hopefully never will

Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

It was only 24 hours ago so i guess so? 

What was the last thing you ate?

Kinder chocolate

Did you get any compliments today?

Im not sure? hahaha

Where are you going on your next vacation?

Hopefully europe one day!

Do you own anything from other countries?

Yes

Are most of your friend guys or girls?

Umm probably boys to be honest.. girls annoy me.

Where have you lived most of your life?

Sydney and Port Macquarie

When was the last time you took a long drive?

I drove to forster last weekend

Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

Yep.

Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

No I really don’t see the point.

Who do you text the most?

Allie

What was the last movie you saw?

SPF 18

What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

I don’t have a boyfriend and that is a shitty question.

How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010?

One im pretty sure.

Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

Just

Do you curse around your parents?

Sometimes.

Are you happy with where you live?

Its good for the moment!

Picture of yourself?

No.

Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Monogamous.

Have you ever been dumped?

Yeah, who hasnt.

What do you most like about making out?

Smiling in the middle of it!

Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Hahaha yep.

When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

The other person, im a little scardey cat!

What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Face?

Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Aaron.

Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

No.

Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

Nope

What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Hahahahha a few things!

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

Not at this age

Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

Yeah. #awkward

Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Everyone usually knows anyway

Do you miss your last sweetie?

“Sweetie lol” fuck no he can go fuck himself

Last time you slow danced with someone?

I don’t even know.

Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

Nope.

How can I win your heart?

Be a generally nice guy! But dont come on too strong or ill friendzone you instantly.

What is your astrological sign?

Taurus

What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Watching a movie i think

Do you cook?

HAHAHAHHA i try to

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Yes.

If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

Not really.. not until something real pops up

What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

Their smile, eyes and they better not have much facial hair!

Are you a player?

Haha no

Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

Yes

Are you a tease?

I’ve been called one haha but no.

Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

No

Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

Guess so

Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

No.

Are you too shy to ask someone out?

YES.

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

If they’re your boyfriend.

If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

Id like to say No.

Do you flirt a lot?

Sometimes

Your last kiss?

Last night  

Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2011?

Yuuup

Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

One

Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

I don’t.

Does someone like you currently?

I doubt it

Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Yeah... its complicated

Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

My answer at the moment is flings but that will change soon hopefully

Ever made out with just a friend?

Yeah

Are you happier single or in a relationship?

It doesn’t matter if I’m single or not, if I’m happy then I’m happy.

[viralhottopics]

Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke

Hes written novels with eerily similar plotlines but how did Trump become president? The only way to find out: inject a panel of fictional voters with truth serum…

I started thinking Donald Trump might win the presidency in September of 2016. By the end of October, I was almost sure. Thus, when the election night upset happened, I was dismayed, but not particularly surprised. I didnt even think it was much of an upset, in spite of the Huffington Post aggregate poll, which gave Hillary Clinton a 98% chance of winning an example of wishful thinking if ever there were one.

Some of my belief arose from the signage I was seeing. Im from northern New England, and in the run-up to the election I saw hundreds of Trump-Pence signs and bumper stickers, but almost none for Clinton-Kaine. To me this didnt mean there were no Clinton supporters in the houses I passed or the cars ahead of me on Route 302; what it did seem to mean was that the Clinton supporters werent particularly invested. This was not the case with the Trump people, who tended to have billboard-sized signage in their yards and sometimes two stickers on their cars (TRUMP-PENCE on the left; HILLARY IS A CRIMINAL on the right).

Brexit also troubled me. Most of the commentators brushed its importance aside, saying that the issue of whether or not Britain should leave the EU was very different from that of who should become the American president, and besides, British and American voters were very different animals. I agreed with neither assessment, because there was a vibe in the air during most of 2016, a feeling that people were both frightened of the status quo and sick of it. Voters saw a vast and overloaded apple cart lumbering past them. They wanted to upset the motherfucker, and would worry about picking up those spilled apples later. Or just leave them to rot.

Clinton voters were convinced shed win, even if they saw her as a ho-hum candidate at best. Many did not even bother going to the polls, which was a large (and largely unstated) factor in her loss. Trump voters, on the other hand, could not wait to pull those levers. They didnt just want change; they wanted a man on horseback. Trump filled the bill.

I had written about such men before. In The Dead Zone, Greg Stillson is a door-to-door Bible salesman with a gift of gab, a ready wit and the common touch. He is laughed at when he runs for mayor in his small New England town, but he wins. He is laughed at when he runs for the House of Representatives (part of his platform is a promise to rocket Americas trash into outer space), but he wins again. When Johnny Smith, the novels precognitive hero, shakes his hand, he realizes that some day Stillson is going to laugh and joke his way into the White House, where he will start world war three.

Big Jim Rennie in Under The Dome is cut from the same cloth. Hes a car salesman (selling being a key requirement for the successful politician), who is the head selectman in the small town of Chesters Mill, when a dome comes down and cuts the community off from the world. Hes a crook, a cozener and a sociopath, the worst possible choice in a time of crisis, but hes got a folksy, straight-from-the-shoulder delivery that people relate to. The fact that hes incompetent at best and downright malevolent at worst doesnt matter.

Both these stories were written years ago, but Stillson and Rennie bear enough of a resemblance to the current resident of the White House for me to flatter myself I have a country-fair understanding of how such men rise: first as a joke, then as a viable alternative to the status quo, and finally as elected officials who are headstrong, self-centered and inexperienced. Such men do not succeed to high office often, but when they do, the times are always troubled, the candidates in question charismatic, their proposed solutions to complex problems simple, straightforward and impractical. The baggage that should weigh these hucksters down becomes magically light, lifting them over the competition like Carl Fredricksen in the Pixar film Up. Trumps negatives didnt drag him down; on the contrary, they helped get him elected.

I decided to convene six Trump voters to discover how and why all this happened. Because I selected them from the scores of make-believe people always bouncing around in my head (sometimes their chatter is enough to drive me bugshit), I felt perfectly OK feeding them powerful truth serum before officially convening the round table. And because they are fictional my creatures they all agreed to this. They gulped the serum down in Snapple iced tea, and half an hour later we began. My panelists were:

Gary Barker, a construction worker from how fitting Gary, Indiana. Gary from Gary is 41, married with two kids, currently unemployed. Graduated high school, never went to college.

William Russell, from Delray Beach, Florida. William spent his working life as a banker in Albany, New York, and is now retired and living in a gated community. Hes 67, a good amateur golfer, physically fit and mentally sharp. Has been married for more than 40 years, with three grown children and six grandchildren. Holds a bachelors degree from New York University and a graduate degree (in accounting) from the University of Illinois, Chicago.

Felicia Gagnon, from Castle Rock, Maine. Felicia is 25 and the sole employee of the Castle Rock Washateria, where she washes, dries, folds and sometimes delivers. She also serves as the janitor. She is unmarried, no children. Graduated high school, never went to college.

David Allen is a roadie-for-hire in Nashville, almost always employed. Last year he toured with both Little Big Town and Trisha Yearwood. He is 29, divorced, with one child. He makes his support payments regularly. Graduated high school, has two years of college (no degree).

Andrea Sparks is a successful restaurant owner in Flint City, Oklahoma. She is 42, twice divorced, with three children. She has a degree in business administration from the University of Oklahoma. Next year she will be president of the Flint City Chamber of Commerce.

Helen Wiggins is a single mother who lives in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, and works as a nail technician (she prefers this to manicurist). She is 28 years old. Graduated high school, no college.

Although they come from varying walks of life and have attained varying degrees of education, none of these participants was stupid, venal or evil. The reader would do well to remember that they were loaded with potent truth serum, which forced them to say what they actually believe, rather than what they thought might be most palatable to their interlocutor. If you, gentle reader, should be inclined to view any of them with contempt or feel outraged about their comments, youd do well first to look inward and ask what you might say if compelled to give the truth of your feelings, the whole truth, the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth. And, with that caveat, the discussion.

Stephen King Thank you all for coming, and agreeing to participate.

Helen Wiggins You could use a manicure. Your nails are too long. But at least it doesnt look as if you chew them.

William Russell I started one of your books but didnt finish it. Ill never try another one. Youre an awful writer.

King Many critics would agree, but todays subject is politics rather than fiction. To begin, Id like to go around the table and ask each of you when you decided you were going to vote for Donald Trump.

Gary Barker After a couple of debates I knew who I was going for. He [Trump] had nicknames for the other guys that really put them in their places. Lyin Ted, for instance. I hated that guy. He always looked like he wanted to yell, Come to Jesus! And Little Marco. That was my favorite. He [Trump] nailed that sucker. He [Rubio] looked like he was about 13 fuckin years old.

Wiggins Dont forget Crooked Hillary. That was the cutest nickname.

David Allen Right. When they all started yelling, Lock her up! at the convention. I knew then it was going to be a whole new ballgame, and I decided to vote for Trump. But I didnt shoot my mouth off about it. Nashville is in the south, but in the music business there are plenty of bleeding hearts. Not like Hollywood, thank God, but you still have to be careful. I started off saying I hadnt made up my mind when people asked me, then I started saying, Probably Clinton. I never told anyone I was going to vote for Trump. Especially not my ex. She would have torn my balls off.

Russell Trumps a businessman who understands business. Hes going to make them sit on the minimum wage, and hell take off a lot of those stupid banking, business and pollution regulations. Its working already. Just look at the stock market.

Felicia Gagnon Most of my customers at the Washateria were for him, so I decided I was, too. It wasnt just going along with the crowd, either. He always had an answer for everything, and he took no shit. Also, he wants to keep the illegals out. My job isnt much, but it pays the rent. What if some illegal comes along and tells Mr Griffin hes the owner that shell do my job for half the salary? Would that be fair?

Andrea Sparks It wouldnt, it absolutely wouldnt. And I admired him for a comeback he made to Clinton in, I think it was their first debate. She said he paid no taxes, and Trump came right back, said: That makes me smart. I knew right then I was going to vote for him, because taxes are killers. Thats why no one from the middle class can really get ahead. They tax you to death. I am making a little bit of money, but Id be making a lot more if they didnt tax me so badly, and why do they do it? To pay welfare for the illegals Felicia was talking about. The beaners, the darkies and the camel-jockeys. I would never say that if I wasnt full of this truth serum stuff, but Im glad I did. Its a relief. I dont want to be a racist, its not how I was raised, but they make you be one. I work hard for what Ive got, from nine in the morning until midnight, sometimes until one in the morning. And what happens? The government takes the sweat from my brow and gives it to the foreigners. Who shoot it into their arms with dope the drug mules bring up from Mexico.

Barker Amen to that, sister.

Wiggins You know, I was torn at first, but when he hired that guy Pence to be his vice-president, I got on board. He [Pence] was so smart at the debate he had with that other guy. He had an answer for everything.

Gagnon Also handsome, with that nice white hair.

Wiggins Yes, he takes care of himself. Nice haircut, good teeth, beautiful skin. I thought to myself, Trump is on the fat side. If he has a heart attack and dies, Pence can take over. And the guy who ran with Clinton, I cant even remember his name, but he looked like one of those guys at the DMV who, when you finally get to the front of the line, says you filled out the paperwork wrong and sends you home.

[General laughter from the panel.]

Russell Also, theres the matter of the trademark slogans. Do you know what Im talking about?

King Tell me.

Russell Candidates have certain codified positions, which form the basis of the so-called stump speech. In that speech, which is about the same whether its made in Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon, they make their basic talking points over and over. But they also need a simple summation of what they stand for. Thats conveyed by the trademark slogan, something simple and catchy. Trumps was MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and it was perfect. Contains two words of great power: America and great. Clintons was STRONGER TOGETHER. Vague. Wishy-washy. Forgettable. Stronger than what? Together with whom? It says nothing. The person who thought that up was an idiot, and she was an idiot for using it. Her slogan might as well have been WERE GOING TO DO SOME STUFF.

Sparks Trump was the boss. Clinton was just bossy, and take it from me, nobody likes a bossy woman. As a business person, I have to use a certain amount of tact. She didnt have that.

Allen When she spoke, she kind of brayed.

Gagnon Because she was trying to sound like a man. That may work in New York, but not out where there are real people.

Sparks Whatever, it was like fingernails on a blackboard. If I talked to my waitstaff like that, half of them would quit.

King OK, since were on the subject of Clinton, I want to go around the table and have you give me one word or one short phrase that describes your impression of her. Gary, you havent had much to say, so lets start with you.

Barker Before we get to that, I just want to say that Ive always been attracted to young men on surfboards. This truth serum is whoo.

King Good to know, and thank you for sharing, but how about a word or simple phrase describing your impression of

Barker Bitch. I thought she was a bitch.

King OK. Felicia?

Gagnon Stuck-up. A stuck-up smartypants. She talked down to people.

King William?

Russell Felicias exactly right. Clinton projected arrogance and a sense of entitlement. Riding on Slick Willies coat-tails.

Allen I hated those pantsuits. Like she doesnt think people can figure out shes got a booty. And shes starting to look really old.

Wiggins Is she a lesbian? I heard she was a lesbian.

Sparks I dont care about that, but her bestie was one of those Muslims. You know, the one married to the guy always showing his junk on the internet. Huma Abba-Jabba, or something.

King Id like to discuss two issues that dogged Hillary Clintons campaign

Sparks Can I just say I ate a whole box of chocolate pinwheel cookies last night? Id like to say that. Then I vomited them back up, because I have to stay thin.

King Thank you, Andrea. Now, if I could turn to Clintons involvement if you choose to call it that in the Benghazi attack, where four Americans, including US ambassador J Christopher Stevens, were killed. Did that play a part in your decision not to vote for Clinton?

Allen Is Benghazi in Africa or China?

Russell Actually, its in Libya. Which the Obama administration destabilized by not helping Gaddafi in his time of need. The man was an asshole, but he was our asshole. Pardon my French, ladies.

Barker Putting the bitch factor aside, I dont think you can hold her responsible for what a bunch of ragheads do. They just want to kill Americans for Allah.

King So you dont blame her?

Barker Not for that, Jesus no. Hey, you should see my collection of surfer mags. My wife thinks its the boards Im interested in.

King Just to put a button on this, were any of you influenced by Benghazi when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

Illustration: Leonard Beard for the Guardian

King OK, lets move along. There was also a controversy about Clinton sending and receiving emails on an unsecured server. Something like 35,000. Did that influence any of you?

Russell Speaking just for myself, not at all. Hackers can get into any computer, secured or not. Someone phished my American Express card number and got himself over $1,000 worth of equipment at Best Buy. They should bring back the whipping post for people who do that. It would put a stop to the practice in short order.

Allen Billy-boy, you nailed it. Computers these days might as well be screen doors. You see hacking all the time in the music business. And hey, get real. What was the stuff going back and forth, anyway? Recipes, gossip, Ill be here at such-and-such a time, did you see her new purse, shit like that. Give me a break.

Barker Whats this about emails? What are you talking about?

Wiggins Never mind, no biggie.

Gagnon My computer is busted. It was just a cheap one, anyway. I have to buy a new one, but cant afford it just now. Id steal one, but Im scared of getting caught.

King Andrea, what about you?

Sparks I dont care about that chicks emails. What I care about are the taco-benders down the street with their food wagon, cutting into my business. I went to the police, and they said the taco-benders had a permit. How do illegals get a permit to sell food on the street? Tell me that.

Russell Do you have proof they are illegals, Andrea?

Sparks I dont need proof. Those wetbacks are like bedbugs, theyre everywhere. And they breed. I cant wait until Trump builds that wall. The Mexicans say they wont pay for it, but they will, unless they want American tanks in Jurez and Tijuana. You wait and see. Trump takes no shit. I like a man who takes no shit. If my ex-husbands had been more like that, Id never have fired them.

Wiggins You want a scandal? Clintons on the side of the baby-killers, thats a scandal.

Barker Shes also on the side of the gun Puritans. Ive got four firearms, two handguns and two rifles, and nobodys taking those suckers. Nobody.

King Very interesting, Gary, but weve wandered away from the question. Were any of you influenced by the so-called email scandal when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

King OK, Id like to move along to

Allen Can I say something else about Hillary?

King Of course, David.

Allen You asked us when we decided to vote for Trump. Ill tell you when I decided I was also gonna vote against her, even though I thought she was basically OK. Smart, even. I dont go along with that bitch stuff, either. I work with women on the road, and even the ones who are bitches hate that word. So I steer clear of it.

Sparks Whats your point, Mr Huffington Post Politically Correct?

Allen You ought to do something about that hair, maam, your dye jobs showing.

Sparks Fuck you.

King If we have that out of the way

Allen I was in Houston on 9/11 last year, OK? Visiting my sister and picking up some bucks working an Eric Church gig. That afternoon, before I had to go on down to the Bayou and start rolling amps, I was in this little place called Spot Mikes, kind of a lunchateria where they also serve beer. The TV was on, and they showed Hillary collapsing after she tried to give a speech, or maybe she did give it, I dont know. But she went legless and the men around her, probably Secret Service, had to help her into the car. It made me think of something my grandad used to say: woman-weak. Thats what she was, woman-weak. Now suppose that happened during a crisis, or something. No, she didnt have any business being the most powerful person in the world.

King Can I point out that George HW Bush vomited during a state dinner in Japan?

Barker I remember that, but he had food poisoning. Her, though, its like Dave said: woman-weak.

Gagnon I heard she had a bunch of strokes and they covered it up.

Russell She and Slick Willie are big-time dopers. Its a known fact. Whereas Trump doesnt even drink.

Wiggins Kind of a fat shit, though, isnt he? Likes his Whoppers.

[General affectionate laughter from the panel.]

King I want to move on to some of the negatives about Trump, and ask why they didnt influence you. Lets start with his alleged ties to Russia. Anyone care to comment?

Gagnon Speaking of influence, do you have any with TV people, Mr King? Id sure like to be on The Price Is Right. Im very good at guessing the prices of things, toasters and such, and Id like a chance at one of those showcases. They have these wonderful trips.

King Im sorry, I dont know anyone who

Russell You have to stand in line, like everyone else. Live with it.

King There have been accusations that Trumps associates have ties to Russia, and that Trump himself may have financial interests in that part of the world. Hes certainly said plenty of complimentary things about Putin. Any feelings on that? Helen? What about you?

Wiggins Whats wrong with making friends of an enemy? Burying the hatchet? Thats what the Bible says.

Allen Like that song, Whats So Funny Bout Peace, Love, And Understanding?

Sparks Totally agree. As for the oil, if theres more, the prices go down. More miles for your buck. No-brainer.

Gagnon Speaking of that, they had one of those electric cars on The Price Is Right just last week. I think it was a Prius, or maybe a

Russell Two strong men working together. I like it. Its good for business.

King Anyone else?

Wiggins Is it lunchtime yet? I dont know if its the serum or what, but I could eat a horse.

Allen I got something you can eat, hon. Not as big as a horse but almost.

King This seems an appropriate time to ask about certain sexual allegations. The famous grab em by the pussy remark, for instance. And how you can do anything if youre famous. Ladies first.

Gagnon How many women do you think have been throwing themselves at him, someone whos rich and handsome?

[General laughter at the word handsome.]

Gagnon Well, he was, anyway, and hes still rich. Nobody talks about women who go sex-fishing for men, tell you that.

Sparks Also, most women in showbusiness are whores, so whats the big deal? Look at the Academy Awards if you dont believe me. Every woman under 30 falling out of her dress. Show a man dessert, honey, hes going to want to eat.

Barker And at least hes not a fag, you know?

Wiggins Men are men, thats all. They all talk big, especially when theyre with other men.

Russell Sure. And let me point out we were electing a president, not a saint.

Allen Exactly. That sex stuff was just the press, trying to sell papers and bring him down while they were at it. Those guys were all for Hillary.

King OK, but suppose the shoe had been on the other foot, and the press had obtained a tape of Hillary talking like that?

Sparks They didnt.

Wiggins Also, its different for women. The um

Russell The perception.

Wiggins Right.

King I believe you have a daughter, Helen

Wiggins Thats right. Patricia. Patty. Shes the best thing in my life. Smart as well as pretty. Gets all As in school. You should see her book reports!

King What if it was her pussy Trump was talking about grabbing?

Wiggins Thats a filthy thing to say. Also stupid. My daughters only nine. Even the New York Times never said Trump goes for kiddies, and they lie about everything.

King Im just saying

Wiggins Well, dont. Save the dirty talk for your books.

King OK, lets move on to Trumps taxes. He wont reveal them.

Allen No law says he has to.

King What if hes hiding something?

Sparks Honey, were all hiding something. Although I will admit Id like to see what sort of fiddles hes using.

[General laughter.]

Barker Actually, I would, too. Hes got a lot of friends in big business, and they all care more about their money than anything else. Goes without saying. That stuff about how he was going to drain the swamp? I never believed it. They drain the swamp, everyone will see how many bodies theyve buried there.

Sparks Not to mention how much buried treasure.

Allen If he does a good job, fuck his tax returns.

Barker Cant argue with that.

Gagnon Besides, rich people dont have to pay like the rest of us, everyone knows that. They have lawyers and accountants to keep them on the right side of the law. They know all the loopholes. Its how the world works. Hes against Obamacare, thats the important thing. That takes more money out of poor peoples pockets than taxes. Its not like the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans did that, and its much better.

King It appeared that he made fun of a reporter with a physical disability shaking and stuttering. Any thoughts on that?

Russell Not relevant.

King It doesnt speak to character?

Russell Of course not. Dont be obtuse.

Allen It wasnt very nice, but the guy pissed him off. Sure, it was politically incorrect, but I thought it was, um

Sparks A breath of fresh air?

Allen Yes. It woke people up. None of the usual politician bullshit. Hannity isnt right about everything, but he sure was about that.

King This would be Sean Hannity, of Fox News?

Allen Correct.

King How many of you got most of your information on the candidates from Fox News?

[Allen, Russell and Sparks raise their hands.]

King What about you, Felicia?

Gagnon I watch Lester Holt. Also Good Morning America.

King Gary?

Barker I read USA Today. They have a little story about Indiana every day, and their sports coverage is terrific. The rest you have to take with a grain of salt, because the coverage was slanted toward Clinton.

Russell What wasnt slanted in the papers was made up of whole cloth. Fake news. The worst offender was the New York Slimes, and they wont let it go.

King I think weve about finished, but Id like to run one more thing by you before we break for lunch. Psychologists mention four basic traits when diagnosing a sociopathic condition known as narcissistic personality disorder. People suffering from this condition believe themselves superior to others, they insist on having the best of everything, they are egocentric and boastful, and they have a tendency to first select love objects, then find them at fault and push them aside. Comments?

[A long silence at the table.]

Russell Whats your point?

Gagnon Are you sure you cant get me on The Price Is Right?

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from Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke

#Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke