#im just rambling but personally i do not like it. like i dont want what i like to get a revival

[strangestofthings12]

This is going to be a very rambling and venty post cause im tired and annoyed and honestly am just using this to vent my anger/hurt. there is going to be stuff that can maybe be seen as anti tommy/bucktommy (please dont tell me a ship name to put i dont care about if they do have an agreed upon ship name right now) so if you dont want that please just move on. i dont want to fight i just want to yell into the void on a stupid throw away account so i dont bring my negativity stew and come out on my main blog where i just want to enjoy my stuff and just keep happy energy. I dont normally post and try and just find someone who explains it better because im not great and getting what im saying across or understood the way i want, so please bear with me. With that said i will move on to what i want to say

Okay so i have been watching 9-1-1 for years and i love and adore it. Its characters and dynamics and i have always loved found family. Now i will admit that i started watching it thinking that Buck and Eddie were a couple and had a son so i was kinda watching for it. Do i think if i didn't start watching thinking that i would ship them still yes 100%. I have always loved their relationship and i have loved watching both Buck and Eddie grow and start to be happy while also having each others back even at the worst times. Sometimes if i think to hard about Eddie and start crying cause I'm very normal about this show and it characters. Now Eddie is my favorite character in the show and at least in my top five overall favorite characters. I love him and his development and i adore seeing how much he does to just do right by Chris even when he messes up you can tell how much he adores that boy and how badly he wants to give Chris the best life possible. I could write essays about Eddie Diaz trying to explain how much i love him and why and i think words would run out before i could finish making people understand. Buddie is my favorite ship (sometimes second depending on my mood. i would say sorry but Henren and Madney will always be amazing ships and sometimes i just cant stop think about them)(Sorry Bathena i love you too i swear i just cant decide if i wanna kiss athena or be adopted by bobby and athena:( Its confusing) and has been for quite awhile and is one of my overall favorites and its one of my comfort ships.

With that context when bi Buck happened i was so insanely happy and i wouldnt shut up about it. it made me sick. i was so happy for Buck and while i think a part of me will always be a little sad Eddie wasnt his first kiss with a guy i dont think either of them are ready for that. i also understand that it wouldnt make sense for how the story is going right now. Now i have nothing against bucktommy in the show. I have watched the kiss scene and sobbed to much to pretend like i hate them or even dislike them. However I genuinely dont care about Tommy. Hes kinda bland and i forget about him half the time and before they brought him back i completely forgot his name. in my mind he was the one that wasnt as much of an asshole to chim and hen as the other two assholes which wasnt saying a lot. Now I dont dislike tommy nor am i going to act like hes irredeemable because neither Chim nor Hen seem to think hes still that guy and while they dont seem super close they seem to get along so clearly, he's not like that anymore. I have nothing that makes me dislike him nor do I like him. He's just there. He's just the guy buck kissed. Thats all he means to me. I would give up his screen time for Ravi or May or Karen in a heartbeat. because i love them cause they mean something to me. I don't think i thought about the fact that people might actually like him especially not more than EDDIE.

This is where the context matters cause i am to my core a one ship per person girly. I might see a ship and people who like it and even think thats not a terrible ship but i will still only look at content for my ship for that person (ie. i ship Destiel (dont say anything bad about them ill cry<3) but i can see the way someone would also ship Dean and Benny or crowley or Cas and Crowley or Mick but i will ignore the ship and move on and look at more Dean and Cas). normally i will just ignore the ship and move on because im not who its for. If it gets annoying in my tag or anything like that ill block it or whoever is annoying me cause its not a them problem that i dont want to see it. When i start to have a problem is when multiple people arent tagging right for whatever reason or people who are being rude about the ship i like because of their ship. When I started seeing Bucktommy stuff more and more in the 9-1-1 tag i went to the buddie tag cause i dont want to see them. my problem is that when im reading on AO3 and click on a fic tagged Buddie where bucktommy get married. it was literally just hurting Eddie. There was stuff before like id be scrolling though the buddie tag here and see someone saying that Tommy is a better character then Eddie and saying that they hope bucktommy is endgame. Whatever block and move on. Just like always but then people who have shipped buddie for years who ive seen talk about them are suddenly saying that they like bucktommy better. People who started watching because of bucktommy saying they dont like Eddie. People are going to have different opinions but it still bugged me. and then i read that and i was just hurt because it was tagged happy ending and i cannot fathom ever thinking Eddie hurting and pining is a happy ending. So i started to get more annoyed and i hate when that happens especially with a show i love and a character i dont dislike so i tried to just move on but more and more people are taking about it then i saw someone saying that they wanted eddie to die so buck and tommy can have Chris.

I just hate that so many people are jumping on the bucktommy train and saying that they like it better than buddie something that is so good and sweet or saying that they like Tommy more than Eddie. I just dont get it cause Tommy is boring. like yeah we now some about him and he flies a helicopter but hes forgettable he could be a completely different person and next to nothing would have to change. We have seen Eddie at his worst and claw his way back up and hes finally letting himself be open and honest and soft. Eddie couldnt be replaced. Now im not saying Tommy can't be an interesting character but as he is right now?? He just isnt. Hes just as bland as every women (minus Taylor and Shannon) Buck and Eddie have dated and been hated on for no reason!!! Like i get that Tommy is a guy and we got canon Bi Buck and people are happy but those same people turn around and shit on Marisol from what ive seen(I could be wrong cause again i have done my best to avoid). Buddie fans arent safe from that either, cause we all know that Buddie fans do that but so many of those people who hated on them and said they didnt want them with anyone else suddenly decided that they were okay if Buck ended up with any guy. I dont know its just weird and i hate how many people are acting like Eddie isnt always going to be better then Tommy. Part of me wanted Tommy to stick around and help Buck and Eddie figure it all out but now?? i honestly just cant wait for him to be gone cause I want to have fun and read fics for my comfort ship and just chill where i can see all of my ships in the show without buck and tommy being everywhere or people saying crap about Eddie.

I have more to say but most of its about how gratifying waiting and seeing where this whole thing goes(Buddie season 8 PLEASE!!) and this is already why to long and i think im just going in circles and none of this makes sense so ima shut up for now and hopefully this will help it not fester and drive me insane and become a tommy hater

Edit: but i also hate that Tommy calls Buck Evan so he already had some stuff against him rip

#911 #buddie #anti bucktommy #i guess?? #i dont know #i dont know what to tag this and just hope i dont upset anyone #anti tommy kinard #again i guess #but not really?? #let me know if i need to add any tags:)

[robotpussy]

#polls #personally i dont like it but thats only because i dont like fandom. the type of stuff that gets the most attention #in fandom usually just annoys me idk. how to explain it in a way that wont come off as me saying #fanfic or whatever is evil its just the fact that it just bombards alot of the conversations? #i prefer it when the thing i like has 10 fans and theyre all on one message board or forum #like for example mtvs downtown is getting popular but apart from annoying #'me and the mid nerd guy i copped by being weird and sexy' posts its not awful.... #but then smth like... clone high or smth i suddenly cant remember ppl just got so annoying abt that show?? #like i cant stand it i dont even bother watching it anymore plus its just weird to me now like i can't watch it regardless #im just rambling but personally i do not like it. like i dont want what i like to get a revival #i dont want anything new! i just want to enjoy the thing and move on 😭 #fandom seems to prioritize shipping and memes over evaluating or simply just enjoying something! #this goes for anything. music film tv books....

[quietwingsinthesky]

see my brain just doesn’t register the idea of anyone having a ‘one true love’ which is why the common fandom tropes of making canonical love interests terrible in order to justify why your ship is better always bugs the shit out of me. it feels like the only reason you would do that is if the idea of the characters in your ship having any other sort of romantic relationship that was important to them, even in the past, is a threat to their current one, therefore all their past relationships need to be demonized in order to make them ‘not real love’ so that they remain pure and chaste and ready for the True Love of the endgame ship.

#im not crazy right like other people notice that trope ajd get annoyed by it right #its a very weird trope to be so common from my perspective because like. why not just. break up the couple you dont want. #for reasons that arent ‘i made this person into a charicature of themselves to justify why my blorbo would have never actually loved them’ #you know? its weird. its weird right? #and then of course there’s the offshoot of this that intersect with fandom misogyny where that demonized person is usually the female love #interest. or sometimes not even that. sometimes she was just standing there a little too close to one of the guys and that made people feel #insecure about their ship so they make her a bitch. gwen cooper. im. im talking about gwen cooper. people do this to gwen cooper and ill #never know peace about that. #anyway. is there a word for like. heteronormativity for monogomous people. because thats what i think this falls under. #because it is a very. like its a very conservatively monogomous idea. i feel like it is not unrelated to christian values of not having sex #before you’re married. that maybe someone in fandom might manage to ditch that particular ruleset to make their blorbos fuck nasty but NOT #the underlying idea of it that you can only ever have One Person you share that love and intimacy with. so you still end up perpetuating the #same toxic beliefs. you know? sorry im rambling it just annoys me

[northern-passage]

i've been thinking a lot about the word "representation" and what it means and how it's changed over the last few years, particularly when it comes to the writing/publishing landscape but also in movies and tv shows… and i really don't like it anymore. to be clear, of course i think it's important to have diversity in your work, i'm not saying i hate the concept of representation. but i do really dislike the way it's used now, and i really just hate the word itself

in a broader sense it's just become a marketing tool. i'm not impressed by any publisher or author who just describes their book by listing all of the minorities/identities the characters represent as if that should be enough. it feels very gross, very exploitative and disingenuous. it also really bothers me because it's always marginalized identities- which i understand Why, but it feels very othering to me (and again. Very exploitative as an advertisement). you would never list out "cishet able-bodied white man" as a character description to pat yourself on the back over. so why do it to everyone else? why insinuate that one is the "default" and the other one is "special"? (and when i say this i'm mainly talking about advertisements/marketing. i understand why people would specify about characters in descriptions with the plot, but i don't like to see an ad that's just "this book has gay people!" with nothing else)

which then leads me to my other point, which is that a lot of people treat "representation" as if it's "too hard." like "oh i don't know enough to write about that, i don't have that experience, etc" which is a fair way to feel! however… it's weird that people only say this about writing trans characters or characters of color. i'm writing a story right now with a character who is really into motorcycles. i personally do not know that much about motorcycles, so i researched what parts are what & what different kinds of models there are & what basic bike care looks like. i guarantee Most people will have to google something at some point in their writing process. so what's the problem? it also, again, feels very othering when authors treat certain groups of people as "impossible" to write, "too hard" to understand. they are just.. people. you write them as a person. and then you figure out the rest later.

and i think part of the refusal or fear to write something outside of your experience is because of the way representation is treated as So Special. these characters are So Special that they aren't allowed to be anything other than "representation." they're Not allowed to be characters with complex emotions and interesting motivations, they have to just be Trans or Gay or Disabled or whatever. they're not allowed to be people. which means, at the end of the day, we loop right back around to where we were at the start….

there is bad representation. there are depictions of certain marginalized people that are harmful and that are damaging, i'm not trying to minimize that or argue against it at all, in fact we should all be mindful of that while writing and reading. but i also think it's possible to swing too far in the opposite direction as well and put certain groups of people on a pedestal and not allow them to do anything at all but be Perfect Representation, if that makes sense.

#anyways. is this anything #sorry i dont have anything insightful to say at the end here i just wanted to ramble #especially abt the way ppl market books now it like. genuinely disgusts me #cannot imagine marketing tnp in that way. my characters are many things AND they are trans. and their transness #is not just a flashy feature for attracting attention #also i do understand the fear of 'getting it wrong' but that's why you have beta readers or even actual sensitivity readers #that's why you ask for feedback. especially in this space like... people will give it #that's what makes sharing your process and early draft in this community so rewarding #and there's also just the reality that no matter what you do some people will Not like it 🤷 #and ime a lot of ppl look at representation very individualistically #as in it's only good representation if it represents Me #which sucks. and you're never going to please those people #ANYWAYS also to be clear this is not a vague or meant to be targeted at any one person please don't be fucking weird #this is just some thots i've had recently esp since ive seen the representation conversation pop up quite a few times #and since i've been doing research for characters in my other project #personal

[kaladinkholins]

mizutaigen is literally like. the first "toxic" m/f ship i've ever cared for. cuz like usually my taste in m/f ships is basically "unhinged baddie" x "badass wifeguy" *

* (see:yen/geralt. trevor/sypha. adolin/shallan. kataang but katara is sane and they're literally so wholesome like theyre traumatised kids in love who are each other's emblem of hope in a war-torn world! so basically they don't count. anyway. i'm rambling.)

and to that end my friend called mizutaigen yaoi-adjacent and im like. yeah you're right actually cuz like hell yeah non-binary mizu and bisexual taigen rights and all the gender fuckery in the show in general

but also like.

theres just SOMETHING else about mizutaigen that just GETS me. like there's a special secret sauce like the pheromones in that one sephora lotion attracting spiders and i am the silly spider!!! there's just something about it!!! it's not even the enemies to lovers trope cuz i personally am not even usually into that (obv it's fine if you are. but yk.)

so as i keep rotating these thoughts around i thiiink it's the fact that, yknow, theyre so similar. like i honestly truly think they could be besties in another universe: a kinder universe where taigen was not taught to hate. a universe where mizu was not born a girl in a deeply misogynistic society or half-white in a xenophobic homogeneous society.

yeah now that i think about it that really just might be THE secret sauce!!! like the fact that they COULD be perfect and happy together, if only things were different, if only they werent themselves.

smth v bittersweet about that's just driving me insane and makes me want to root for them to overcome all those obstacles, to say "fuck all that" (re:the world and all its fucked up shit) and find each other in the end. to eventually become each other's fav person and confidant. who obv still bicker and tease and insult each other all the time but they dont really mean any of it and over time it just becomes a running gag between them and no one else has to get it because it's just between the two of them.

#mizu x taigen #taigen x mizu #taimizu #[clenches fist] it's about the POTENTIAL of it all!!!!! #like taigen's last words in s1 being 'we're not done yet' like ?!? has me WANTING to see more. wanting to see them grow with each other #like i want taigen by the end to be ridiculously head over heels WHIPPED and SMITTEN willing to die and kill and just be BETTER. for mizu. #mizu. the person who changed his entire life. his entire worldview. pulled the rug from under him and made him a man forever changed. #to overcome his selfishness so he can be mizu's HOME in a world that doesn't allow her one #i want him to end up deciding like. 'on purpose. im going to love you on purpose.' #and mizu no matter how much she tries to convince herself that she cannot love or be loved. ends up accepting it anyway #love as work and violence but also love as rest and safety #and also bcs taigen represents the ideals of society. him willing to change & grow also represents society's potential to change & progress #LMAO okay sorry i absolutely cannot stop rambling about these bitches the brainworms are insane #bcs i just noticed that other mizutaigen enjoyers tend to also be in the same fandom circles for ships that i just. do not like. at all #and wondered like huh. i wonder why that is. and wondering what makes mizutaigen different #idk just ignore me i dont even know if im making sense my brain is goop from working on my research proposal #shut up haydar #fandom.rtf

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i only just found your au and i need everyone to have a happy ending so badly im gonna cry ;-; sally is gonna be so freakin upset when she wakes up for real and sees she decimated barnaby.

oh, Barnaby already has his arm stitched back on when she wakes up! and really, even if he didn't, that'd be the Least of her worries. she wakes up into a Real nightmare - partially of her (unintentional) making

#happy endings... well... yes and no. depends on what act you look at #act one? no! actually things get So Much Worse in an entirely festive new way! #act two? eh! sorta! its more bittersweet than anything #act three and four blend into each other so much that three doesn't have an 'ending' #but the final act - act four... well. who's to say! im still workshopping what i want to happen #but i do know it's still gonna have at Least a bittersweet tinge to it #wh lights out au #rambles from the bog #there are consequences and not everyone Makes It. i dont like stories where everything wraps up perfectly fine #even if it hurts! i like it when things hurt in a good way. those stories where the ending is overall positive #but Enough Happened that its just... its an ache. looking at where someone used to be. you know? #my favorite shows and books and fics have ended with me smiling while sobbing bc it yes it Hurts but it was So Fucking Good #and while i wouldnt be able to handle rewatching/rereading due to Emotional Damage... #i think of them fondly and often and theyre Important to me #perfectly happy endings just rub me wrong. it always feels like there's something Missing despite it all being idyllic #i cant let my own stories - original or aus or whatever - have that kind of end #so if thats what people are hoping for! you've come to the wrong person and the wrong au! #i like to be kind but that rarely extends to my creative works! #i like it messy and painful and bittersweet and i like to be Ruthless with my creations with no compromise #sometimes characters need to fight. or leave. or die. or make serious mistakes. etc. #but anyway! anyway.... #i will say that there isn't a happy ending for Everyone. and for others it's... complicated. again - bittersweet

[tianshiisdead]

im happy my post is garnering discussion but honestly i wasnt around for 2018-2021 fandom on tumblr and i was mainly talking about how its kind of silly to get mad at people for portraying colonizer countries as mean, or calling it demonization and stuff. like its okay not to like personally portraying ur fav characters as mean or part of the state, but getting irritated at the fact that it exists or is popular imo kind of misses the fact that this… is the state and nation personification fandom. and its hard to say its not canon when canon did once portray the characters in uniform and at times involved in their state activities… like the early strips discussing western imperialism in china is literally ‘china being bullied by the allies’ ‘france wanting to grope china’ ‘china being treated like a maid’ etc etc like they were very much. the state LOL also china and japan’s canon relationship, as much as I have my issues with it, has an entire thing about china being stabbed by japan… i do feel like hetalia started out as a history nerd’s history exploration that blended humour with ‘what i find cute’ with satire etc etc, which inevitably involves illustrating the personifications as vessels of state and culture, and although the modern strips have deviated quite a bit… well, different people will approach this series for different reasons, right? Whether its serious or comedic content showing the characters as mean or imperialist or unpleasant, it’s not something that deviates too far from canon (if we take all canon eras into consideration) nor is it surprising given how history laden the topic is.

#diary #hetalia #hater tag #also have some issues with some things being called drama… #like i know some of u think of me and some others as drama stirring little devils #honestly i dont enjoy drama that much but ill become upset when i see things that i see as racist or insensitive… #because im of the opinion that this fandom requires extra sensitivity given the subject matter. #let people have fun #but #also be careful yk? i guess for me personally im always trying to be careful #when im out of my depth i try to talk to ppl with better understanding while doing my own research #and if ive written or expressed antyhing bad (which i certainly have even on this blog many times before) #i try to change my stances with new info… and like #this is important to me and its important for me to read ppls thoughts bc. #i know what its like to be treated racistly and dismissed. or to have things and history precious to me twisted #but anyways rambling aside… i guess what i want to say is i understand it seems annoying but #if you post something insensitive… and someone gets upset… then thats just how it is. hetalia is sensitive #again ive definitely posted bad insensitive things. ive been told im acting out of line. #and it sucks. but… sometimes you have to understand ur own irritation doesnt outweigh the hurt #and listen a little #sometimes i like things that i then find are insensitive or cruel. and id rather not engage with it than dismiss peoples hurt… or something #honestly i keep most of my whining private i promise JLKFHDJGLKFH BC FOR THE MOST PART I THINK I CAN TELL THE DIFF BETWEEN #when i have a real issue and when im just nitpicking #so i keep my more petty whining or basic stuff private #but if i see something egregious then i dont want to be quiet #and if a friend of mine (esp if theyre a kid) is upset or hurt by racism I dont want to be quiet

[autisticlee]

everyone likes to tell me that real friends exist, the right people for me exist, i'll find them, I just have to look, keep trying. etc.

but no one tells me how, where to look, or how to know who "the right people" even are!

not to mention the fact that I'm getting too old to "make friends" because it's mainly expected of kids/teens to do that. older adults are supposed to have their people already. most adults my age already have their established friend groups that i'm not allowed to join. or they're all pairing off and prefer their partners over friends. or I just simply can't relate or bond with them because we have nothing in common.

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #neurodivergent #adhd #audhd #autistic friendship #friendship problems #friends #the people who tell me these things never want to step up and try to be that person either so I mean 🤷‍♂️ #they won't tell me how and where and won't be an example. like how am I supposed to know what a good friend looks like if I never had one? #how am I supposed to know what the “right people” look like and where they are!! #this has to be one of those secret things other people just naturally *know* that I don't. right????? #most others dont seem to have any problems with it and assume I can do it easily! #the older I get the more I lose hope i'll find ~my people~ or where I belong and true friends.... #lee rambles #how cruel is this universe to make me want nothing more than to have solid and deep connections then deny me that #i wish to be able to accept that im meant to always be alone and embrace being a lonely as hell and learn to like it 🥲 #most of my problems and mental anguish would magically disappear if i could convince my pathetic brain to accept that!

[onejellyfishplease]

soooooooo

i was going over my plan for the next arc... and remember when i said this fic would be around 40 chapters until the reveal.

uhhhh

that will definitely not be the case :/

ALSO

i just ranted in the tags. APPARENTLY THERES A LIMIT TO THE NO OF TAGS!?

ive never done that before lol

#might make it to 50 honestly #i need to make sure i pace this righf #dont wanna let you guys get action fatigue #because damn #this final battle will go hard #im also struggling with mapping out Kendras whole personality #i dint want her to just be a shallow villian #but i also want her to be insane #and like #it's difficult #finding the balance between the two #because i want her to be insane with a purpose #also i changed some plot things about and her motivation now doenst sit right with me #so i need to work shop that too #sorry this is a bit of a ramble #i just went over my plans and got immediately bamboozled by the characters #i want them to do what i want #so i need to find ways that would make them take the decisions i want them too #i dont want them to be too ooc #i want it to be within reason #also i have some cool scenes whichbi dint think fit in properly anymore #but i desperately want them too #so #yeah im working on it #my notes file is so long now lol #this fic will be the death of me #/pos #but one things for sure #yall're in for a ride #open your shell to find your wings

[theygender]

My gf and I just completed an extremely taxing move almost entirely on our own that was made even more difficult bc we were moving out of a roach-infested apartment and trying to make sure we didn't take any with us. We weren't able to pack anything up in advance bc roaches love cardboard boxes so we had to pack everything day-of (after thoroughly inspecting it all) and then immediately load the boxes into my car. One of my friends got COVID and another was having a chronic pain flareup so they couldn't help, and Trixie's friends who had all said well in advance that they were going to help us move on Saturday all bailed on us when the day actually came. Saturday was also the only day we could take our old furniture to the dump, but due to no one showing up to help we took too long to load it and missed our window and had to pay junk movers to come get it from us instead. My partner and I have spent the last five days doing nothing but packing and moving furniture and boxes (up and down stairs at both locations) making countless trips back and forth, and in between all of that I've also had to deal with pet sitting AND my college assignments. We were down to the wire today on our very last day to vacate our apartment, on a Monday when both of us had to go in to work bc we didn't know we would still be moving after not having any help on Saturday. We are both mentally and physically exhausted, and now that it's all over here we still have to unpack all of our everything

BUT! We're in a nice new apartment now with no roaches! It's bigger and it's pretty and it has two (2) bathrooms and a balcony and a fireplace and lots of windows that let in natural light and we (and our cats) absolutely love it. We're so so happy to be here and to no longer have to put up with our old place

And although we had to get rid of our couch and mattress for fear of roaches, we found a new couch and a new mattress that are even better than our old ones at very good prices (the mattress is queen-size! the couch folds out into a sleeper for our friends!)

And while I was carrying a box in I ran into one of my new neighbors who was walking his dog and he gendered me correctly, confidently, multiple times without hesitation. His puppy started pulling on its leash to try to run over to me and he jokingly told the dog "You can't help them. You can't help them! You don't have any hands, you can't help them!"

And then when I went to the store to pick up more supplies a woman stopped me to really excitedly tell me that my hair (side-shave mullet) was "so fly"

So yeah. All in all. I think I've had a great weekend

#rambling #i was genuinely surprised by getting gendered correctly #i was the only one there at the time so i know it wasnt just a plural they #like. im used to people correcting themselves back and forth between she and he (maybe even landing on an uncertain they? in the end) #im used to people giving me a hesitating almost scared ...they... when they cant decide if he or she is right and they dont want to offend #but this is only the second time ever that a complete stranger has confidently referred to me as they with no hesitation whatsoever #and he did it multiple times in a row! im still happy about that #AND the person who compliment my hair #and of course. being here in whats basically the apartment of our dreams. with no roaches! #im so fucking exhausted rn and theres still more to do #but im thanking god or the fates or whoever is out there that i get to sleep good tonight on a new mattress #(after i shower first in my new clean ROACH FREE bathroom of course) #🙏

[opens-up-4-nobody]

The thing about bbc merlin is that the dynamic that's set up between merlin and arthur is so fucking good that I can't even. What can I possibly draw that's gonna encapsulate the feelings between them?

#its so fucking good. especially when u set it up like #arthur is so so afraid of losing this one person who is is true friend. i cant lose merlin i cant lose merlin #but im too much of a bro to tell him that but also i will give him hair ruffles and light bullying bc i want to touch him #he is my little dweeb who i love. and merlin is just. i mean. hes just merlin. would protect arthur no matter what #my man would and has killed so so many ppl for his king lmao #also arthur kneeling for merlin. just. ya kno. i think thats good. good good good. #ugh but i also want stained glass and weird fucked up religious themes. #ugh. and now im just spiralling bc i dont kno what to draw 1st. god! #im distracting myself from being upset abt another thing. ill think abt that thing later. draw now. while i have thr fucking time #merliiiin DX but also i have so much to color DDXXXX #merlin rambling #see. this is what i fucking do. i have to come up with thr fucking perfect idea. and then i just never do anything bc its not perfect #its dysfunctional. stop that

[quietwingsinthesky]

the last unicorn post from earlier has me thinking about the master. that yana is still in there, you know? is still someone he was, if even for a brief flash across the life of a time lord. there’s no way to unlive that life. there are ways to twist it later, sure, to make utopia into hell on earth. but the life was lived. in much the same way that the doctor can remember, can feel, the love he held onto as john smith even as that life is ripped out of his hands. the doctor choose denial and then grief and then to shutter it all away. and so john smith died, and so professor yana died, and the doctor and the master live on. the doctor has done this before, and he lives in orbit around humanity, trying to keep the best parts of them and hold them deep enough to take root (which he can pretend he gets to choose, as a time lord. as a human, it all floods in and can’t be dug back out.) but what about the master, right?

to borrow a turn of phrase: i think there are two time lords left in the universe, and they both learned how to regret.

#regret here meaning less feeling the emotion of actual regret obviously because time lords do not actually funxtion on unicorn rules. they #already get sad just fine on their own. no humanity needed for that. #but i dont know. i just dont think he brushed it off so easily. i think he did a hell of a job convincing himself he did. #and what better way then to twist his own great works and destroy the species he was working so hard to save at the end of the universe. #but what about the knowledge that he *could* be that person. that somewhere in him exists a version that wanted to save people. #a version that is painfully too much like the doctor. even. now is that part worse or better than the human part? #but if past regenerations are ghosts i think yana deserves a haunt. #anyway maybe ignore this one im rambling about nothing here #theres just. i dont know. what if you were the last of your kind and in surviving you made yourself Not Like Them in a way you’ll never #escape. #i mean doctor who is just so concerned with all these plots about hybrids and children of the tardis and clones and What Makes A Time Lord. #but they’re so obsessed with it in just. a very Lore way. is what it feels like. we get brushes of more like with jenny and how she’s #physically a time lord and the doctor denies her that inheritance. a shared suffering… #but me myself im just fascinated with the doctor and the master as the time lords who survived. but they survived Wrong #its. its. children of gallifrey that don’t belong to her anymore. you know? #i dont care if river’s got time lord dna!!! or the metacrisis is physically human!!! i dont care!!! talk to me about what it means beyond #their blood and bones!!! what’s it like to have your sense of self stripped from you like that!!! #what’s it like when so much of you is the shed skin of time lords past. but one of you was human. one of you was painfully *humiliatingly* #human!!! #enough about how much dna you need to count as a time lord. i want to know how much they can mutate until they can’t be recognized as one. #does that make sense?

[risingsunresistance]

blood god techno... drippy :]

#ough i have So Much to say about what's going on here #first of all the bone wing thing is about dragon techno so you can ignore that. that's for me JDHKFH #nether star included in the halo bc hehe nether creature #the eyes represent the voices. they usually either mimic him or just stare at him :0 #they are inspired by yuker bc i loved seeing the eyes always hover around text boxes n stuff in their comics #i would @ them but. well they deactivated. and also plenty of ppl use eyes so feels unnecessary to say ONE person inspired me #still. wanna give credit where it's due lol #THE BLOOD it just kinda generates. it's just Like That. it's not coming from anywhere and it isnt going anywhere #think of it like splatoon ink. just evaporates after a while #''why didnt you color this goat'' he literally just looks like that. think of it like a ghost. or a literal 2d image #casts himself onto walls JHFKFH #this all came from a bunch of different stuff but mostly the fact that everyone started calling him THE blood god #some hypixel lore had me convinved he was a worshipper but some admins and stuff have said things that make me think that's changed #so. the halo was handed down to him. title passed on :] #and SOMEONE forgot to tell a certain pig what he can actually do with his powers. so he has no idea how to be a god KHDKFH #i've rambled abt this a lot on priv. might repost them here if i feel like it #just to explain better #if you couldnt tell this is pary to do with his passing but im trying to avoid mentioning it too much #bc i dont want this to come off as a vent #technoblade #my art #rising sun #this is like 50% skyblock fanart i swear you gotta believe me

[darehearts]

you know one thing i truly like about writing a canon character is just how cool it is to notice the little bits and pieces and headcanons i put in creates this butterfly effect,  and then down the road in my various verses,  everything is just so different  ?!  canon divergence is my favorite thing about writing a canon character in general.  i live for that stuff  !!  ♡

#idk if anyone knows about the deleted scene in Beyond where Jim #and Scotty are parting ways in Yorktown and he's gonna go have #dinner with someone-- clearly a date. and then Jim politely says no #and that he'll go find something to do etc. and it highlights how lonely #he is. he doesnt have an intimate connection etc and im like... this #literally did not happen for my Jim bc by this point he's already with #Carol and how /lost/ he feels. trying to find his purpose etc has NO #loneliness factor? he doesnt put in an application to be an admiral with #that influence either. it is solely bc he just wants to do more for the #rest of the galaxy and have a bigger impact in Starfleet. it doesnt have #that /personal feeling of lost/ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND IDK #THAT IS JUST SO COOL. i am rambling dont mind me babes skksdf #tbd

[eirian]

just wanted to share this vid again bc like. i am STILL obsessed w it to this day. i think about it so often

it was a speedpaint for a commission by the incredible @kiwi ... honestly my favorite commission ever. tbh. the way turnis and calabris are rendered is just. perfection, i cant stop looking. kiwi if u see this if i could commission u a thousand times over i would bc holy shit dude this brought me so much joy and continues to bring me joy even now

#i think i saw u make a post abt being unsure abt pursuing art anymore? and this post isnt meant to like #make u be like 'oh i change my mind bc one person likes my stuff' like nah im not tryna do that #u gotta do whats best for u of course #i just wanted to let u know that even if art isnt what u want to do anymore. u at least put a very bright and warm spot in my life w ur art #so be proud of what youve done up to now at the very least! and i hope u can be happy w what youve accomplished and created #again. if u dont wanna do art anymore then im still gonna support whatever u decide is better for u and makes u happy #bc youve at least given me something that makes me happy too :) and i want that for u as well #sorry for rambling at u in the tags even tho u might not see this LOL i just wanna show my love and support is all #love u kiwi #Youtube

[sillybouquetoflillies]

i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out

#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk #i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting #but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it #so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life #wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around #so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length #how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg #ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most #i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway #i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!! #i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well #i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately #I DUNNO #i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out #i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems #n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me #i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want #while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰 #i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts #i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!! #its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there #i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl #i just dont know what yet #concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent #ok i think this ramble is ovr #im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!