#im just exhausted and idk what to do bc i cant do anything to begin with.

[pizzapizzadickz]

Ah~~~ what to do~~

#diary #personal #mn. i just. cant keep up with life. i cant keep on top of it. at all. #i cant just ignore everything and have fun either. #god. i wish i could just give up on everything and do the things i want. but i cant bc its wasting time #but i just waste time anyways. #and like. im not suicidal anymore so i cant use that as an escape. so now im just stuck here wasting away #idk. life would just be easier if i didnt make all these arbitrary rules and i didnt have to like. keep up with everything. #im just exhausted and idk what to do bc i cant do anything to begin with. #its so much easier when you can take a break and just. not exist or something. #idk. anything is better than this crap. im tired.

[thatbitchsimone]

(Trigger warning for anyone struggling with their relationship with food!!!)

I know this probably isn’t the best place to ask this question, but I don’t know where else to go to get an honest opinion and I’ve read your replies to a lot of messages and they’re really insightful and honest!

Do you have any advice on how to deal with weight gain in recovery from a ed? I’m struggling to find reassurance that’s it’s okay and normal and a good thing. I want to keep going in my recovery but I’m finding it really hard the further I go.

i cant fully grasp that dread anorexics feel about gaining weight since once again i havent experienced it but i can however ofc relate to the uncomfortableness u feel when ur body goes thru changes so thats the perspective im kinda gonna use here

the way ur body looks in the process/beginning of gaining weight isnt really the way ur body is gonna look once the weight has been stabilized and ur body has kinda ”settled down”. like ur gonna get bloated. ur gonna have water retention. theres gonna be puffiness. but thats not how ur gonna look forever like ur body is just trying to get accustomed to ur new intake and lifestyle. ur body has probably been deprived from A LOT during ur ed and thats gonna play into the way it first reacts to and handles the increase in food and weight as well. ur also not used to it yet. like ur brain needs to catch up. the goal of weight gain in recovery is also not to go from underweight to overweight. like ur not gonna get actually fat. the goal is to get u to normal weight. rn that may look fat to u but thats ur disordered brain distorting things like ur very blinded by ur disorder when it comes to whats normal and whats not like ur brain isnt even fully functioning rn bc its starved. idk what else to say like its gonna be hard but u just gotta ride it out. its like quitting smoking or drugs. u gotta ride out the withdrawal period like thats the first and hardest obstacle and then it will kinda even out and u will get some confidence out of the fact that u got thru the first trial like ur gonna be like yeah i did that i could do that like ur gonna feel strong and proud and thats whats gonna motivate u even further. overcoming hardships builds ur confidence more than anything and thats the sort of confidence that goes above and beyond the superficial like ur gonna gain this new appreciation for urself and ur body that is way more solid and real then just ur body looking a certain way or whatever like ur gonna start gaining true confidence. ur gonna be happier. focus on that like focus on the end goal here dont let temporary feelings and thoughts stop u from evolving. u already know this is what u want. ur gonna feel like shit sometimes but thats part of it like thats what recovery is u are recovering from bad shit and its a messy and sometimes terrifying exhausting road but u stay on that road. maybe u will stop and sit down at a bench on the sidewalk just to recharge and get a bit of a break but then u get up and keep walking again like u know u can do it and i know u can do it too

[i-luvsang]

i'm doing good, thank you for asking :)! and yeah catching up with content can be hard, especially as a multi stan trying to catch up with old and newer content :,). i've caught up with some of the stuff i wanted to watch but not all. but i have more than enough time since i have vacation now. i watched their last stage and argh the ending :,). yeosang is so cute the way he just kept looking at woo ahhdh what a cutie :,) ALSO i noticed that yeosang sings the beginning in django and when he sings 'dangerous' you can hear his lisp shdhs

i don't rlly remember how i found out abt ateez, i think it was because of kingdom? but what made me want to get into them was coming across a clip of ateez on jessi's show when they did the close-up? idk i just fell in love with both hwa and yeo and i remember saying i thought one of them would end up being my bias. and here i am, still biasing them both :,). they're just so ahshsh, also my bias wrecker changes so much it's basically the other 6 members. like the past few weeks it has changed a few times, i think rn it's woo?? but it used to be mingi and san like 2 days ago. ALSO JONGHO'S PURPLE HAIR??? it suits him sm but also omg when it started fading it kinda looked greyish and i feel like grey would suit him so much, just like hongjoongs grey hair it's so pretty!! i can't believe this cb is already over too it went by so fast it's unreal, and their tour in asia is starting really soon?? i'm so proud of them but i also hope they get rest after this because i can't imagine how exhausted they must be :(. — 🎧

so glad you’re good !! <33 yeah don’t be afraid to take ur time being a multistan is hard work LOL

nO BC ITS SO SO CUTE I CANNOT IM NEVER GONNA STOP WATCHING THAT CLIP OF HIM 😭 and omg one of my favorite things is hearing yeo’s lisp when he sings, really when he does anything i love his lisp so so so so much it’s so endearing i cry

YOU ARE SO TRUE FOR THAT LMAO honestly i cannot pinpoint when i really got into them i liked them since predebut/debut but i don’t remember which era i actually started learning HAHAJSJS i think one of the moments that solidified yeo as my bias was his iconic acrostic poem “emma watson,.. nekkeo” IDK IT JUST MADE ME LAUGH SO MUCH AT THAT TIME. i remember being like “yep that one’s mine” tho again i cant actually remember if he was already my vais before then lmao

BUT NO IM THE SAME WAY WITH BUAS WRECKERS IT JUST CHANGES ALL THE TIME HSHSJ but GODDDD THE PURPLE HAIR ??? i cannot get him out of my head since then and yeah the way it’s faded to look more like joong’s grey is SO SCRUMPTIOUS

i knowwww it’s been such a lovely comeback it has gone by so fast :,) i agree tho kq has definitely been overworking them with this tour is been going on for so long and they’ve had two comebacks during it, it’s crazy. i hope after they finish this tour they can catch a break <33

#［ my darlings %. #［ ​messages %. #［ 🎧 anon %.

[ibolyafagyi]

been going through a phase recently where everything seems ridiculously obviously boring and meaningless. my mind has become the kind of place where u hear stuff like "ugh why look at a painting dear god its all so boring and obvious and shallow how do you get paid for that" and "why listen to anything why read anything it literally doesnt help" and "why post anything why say anything i can literally feel myself becoming stupid theres not a thing im sure of anymore so whats the point". somehow nothing gave me anything anymore n i lost curiosity, even the energy to intake things. i stopped being able to express myself much bc i *was* smart before and i knew things and i used to function well but now all those things dont work or lost their meaning, their effect, their depth. i think my feeling for things might be coming back (maybe just a bit) bc i can look at a painting again and not feel so nothing but i very well remember being horribly disinterested in composition and colors with the knowledge that it was the most exciting thing to me before, and i feel like it must not be that hard to fall back into the nothing state. its a thing of feeling! you can only sense depth when you approach with some kind of mindset? i dont know. i dont give much credit or reliance to mbti, but recently realized i got the isfj result both times i got ill enough to ask for help. its primary function is introverted sensing. another result i remember getting from a better time is infp, with introverted feeling. maybe i need abstract inner values for myself? i remember how good it felt to just decide this is important to me for no reason. this is my thing and i dont need to explain or search for a reason. but that also sounds kind of stupidly idealistic... and im not sure im able to do it. but like im beginning to think if i continue being so realistic in my perception of things im gonna go insane.

i need to cut some slack on making everything so 100% clear. it goes for expressing myself, taking things in, completing a story fully. i need to bring back my stupid sentimentality. (maybe i got here bc of that ridiculously high-bar seminar paper i needed to work on all semester. or well, all of university and academics has this horrible fact-checking side to it.) i dont know where from to take resources for that -- idk if i function like this bc perfection fuels me, and if i dont have that but im not *guaranteed* to enjoy feeling things like before, then what... no one ever tells you you can suffer from being too objective, conscientious, hardworking. "u dont need to be a perfectionist" ok but thats just a few words, meanwhile most of the world operates in a way that rewards perfectionism. im gonna hate telling this to my psychologist bc thats also a place where i dont know how to approach things lightly and abstractly and it makes me suffer. i routinely feel stupid and exhausted and empty after psych sessions. like overwhelmingly stupid, like i dont understand the most basic things about myself and the world anymore. once somethings been questioned and i cant really answer im like huh? out the window that goes i guess, that was stupid of me i guess. when she asks more details about anything i feel like im a criminal whose story is falling apart. idk how to bring this text to a positive closure but ill keep the idea of sentimentality around, what can you do. i wanna solve my problems but i cant take the perfectionist approach to that. i cant be "good enough" to the psychologist, and i shouldnt attempt it, but i can only swing it the other way like "guess ill be a nuisance then". if i sense i cant continue being as good in human relationships, as attentive and whatever cuz i got shit going on, the thought of "i need to become a nuisance" surfaces. i guess i became a nuisance. but thats got entirely nothing to do with me i feel. i need to tell that friend eventually the things that bothered me in our relationship. or we will never talk again, might happen too. im just unable to make the painful experience of bringing up shit and the anxiety of waiting for a reply into a situation of self respect and self empowerment. (what do i say here.... once again, unable to bring things to a clean close.)

[blxetsi]

HIIIII!! can i get a pieck finger dating headcanons if that’s alright with you of course? your stuff makes me soft, stay safe!

yuh ‼️ tysm for your request

pieck finger dating headcanons (modern au)

pieck finger x gn!reader

warnings: literal fluff, no angst or anything i love pieck

- bc pieck is assumed to be like 23-26 this wont be a uni au or anything

- idk i rlly think you guys wouldve met in a mundane way

- like you bump into her on the sidewalk and try to the really awkward "oh im so sorry i didnt see you there- no really it was my fault- are you sure youre okay ?- okay great- no im not hurt- yeah- okay have a good day and again im so sorry !!" thing with her

- and then maybe you guys see each other again at a coffee place, youre there with your friends and shes there with hers, and you dont wanna talk to her obv bc that would be awkward

- then ur friend makes u go and order another coffee for them, and while youre waiting for your order pieck comes and stands beside you

- and shes very observant yknow ?? if she sees a face its very hard for her to forget it

- so she immediately recognizes you and blurts out "its you !"

- and you have to be like "oh yeah ! it is me ! its you too"

- she finds it quite cute and giggles about it

- a very laidback person but also a very blunt person

- she doesnt find any harm in asking "can i get your instagram @" look she doesnt wanna be a creep and ask for ur number right at the start

- and it gives her a chance to find out what kind of person you are

- it would absolutely suck for her if such a cute face was posting fishing pictures and alt right propaganda yknow ??

- so you two do and then both of your orders come so you two give awkward goodbyes before going back to your groups

- her instagram is very pretty, nice themes

- she posted a couple of hours ago, with her and her friends in a park, taking a couple of posed photos while some looking like they were natural

- shes adorable and you cant help but feel your cheeks go warm as you basically stalk her page

- she dms you and says "are you too busy looking at my feed that you havent followed me yet ?" and you see this mf staring at you across the room like 👁️👁️

- okay nosy lets calm down now 🙄🤚

- you try to defend urself but ur typing so quick you keep making errors in your writing, she ends up saying something else

"you know, i was doing the exact same thing. youre beautiful you know"

- thank you pieck 🥰

- over the next couple of weeks thats how you two communicate. she'll send you instagram memes and edits of her favourite shows, movies, games etc. and you find yourself having a lot in common w her

- you check her story so frequently it becomes one of the first accounts on the top of your homepage

- and FINALLY, when she feels she can see you as a friend and not just some pretty stranger she met on the street she asks you out

- it was a simple thing, just to the movies, and she even let you pick which one !! (imagine its pre covid idfk)

- you two go and its an awkward hug before you both head inside

- you pay for your tickets and she gets an extra large popcorn and a drink

- you assume shes just v hungry but before you can order yourself something shes like "what are you doing i got this for us !!"

- rlly cute bitch omfg

- during the movies, after she eats literally most of the fucking popcorn, she pulls your hand out of your lap and holds it with her buttery one 🥰🤚

- this bitch had crumbs and didnt even think to wipe them off

- you still held her hand tho anyways

- after that night you parted ways in front of the theater after making sure you two would be getting home safe

- and that became routine for a couple of weeks, not going to the movies obviously bc thats expensive but watching movies together !! youd go over to her apartment or she would come over to yours

- one thing about pieck is that shes very touchy

- one way or another she will end up cuddled with you on the couch

- it doesnt matter if its you being forcefully pulled on top of her body or her draping herself over you like shes a blanket, you two WILL be cuddling and you WILL enjoy it

- but finally, as if the gods gave you mercy, she finally kissed you

- it felt so nice, her lips were soft and sticky from her lip gloss and she tasted like the swedish berries you had gotten for her to munch on

- and the rest of the movie you two just sat there, kissing each other and giggling like teens

- she ended up staying the night, and complimented your bedsheets

- your relationship moved pretty fast after that

- she had already told all of her friends about you, they werent very surprised

- when you got officially introduced her friends zeke and porco tried to do that whole "if you hurt her.." speech before she slapped them and had marcel pull you away to safety

- other than that the night was very fun, you got to talking about your career, why you moved to the city, and other mundane topics

- pieck is actually a graphic designer, and everytime she comes to sleep over she just HAS to bring her laptop with her

- its basically just her laying in between your legs while she types away, youll pet her hair and lay soft kisses on her neck, and occasionally ask what shes doing

- she likes to tell you, has no problem in answering the questions you have, even if you think theyre stupid ones, shes very soft with you

- also a bit of a trickster

- for your first april fools together she slept over, you didnt have anything planned for her bc youre a good person and wont hurt the ones you love

- she stuffed your breakfast muffin with mustard 😁👍

- you gave her the cold shoulder for the rest of the day until she apologized by getting you a new muffin

- now she always dropped the l bomb to you, but she never needed you to say it

- thats why, when you were helping her cook dinner at her place you softly said "see ? and thats why i love you" she kind of,,, stopped what she was doing

- you realized why she wasnt washing the knife she used to cut your vegetables and tried to backtrack, but it was too late, she was already tackling you into a hug and taking you down onto the floor

- she just gave you kisses while repeating "i love you i love you i love you" over and over again

- bc of her you burnt ur fucking chicken smh

- you spent that night eating junk food and watching movies

- piecks a very observant person, so she always knows when youre sad too

- when you give that little huff when you come home to your (new !) shared apartment she knows something is up

- she'll slowly trail behind you as you walk to your bedroom, stripping to your underwear and changing into your pajamas

- you crawl into bed just wanting a nap to forget about the day, and she'll crawl in with you and hold you

- you never like to cry but youre so frustrated and upset at your coworkers, at that rude customer, at those deadlines, that you just breakdown

- and she lets you, she lets you almost suffocate yourself in her chest with how much your pushing your head into it, she strokes your hair while you choke on your own cries and hands you tissues when you need to blow your nose

- "what do you need my love ?" "i just need you" "okay baby"

- communication is a big thing in the relationship, and because shes been so open and honest from the beginning, talking about how you feel has never been easier

- in fact, you like talking about how you feel about your relationship, or how you didnt like what pieck said to your friends the other day, this and that, you feel comfortable and safe with pieck no matter what, which makes talking about even the most hardest things seem so simple and natural

- all in all, even when she wakes you up with spontaneous ice cream dates or asks that you put raisins in the popcorn during movie night, even with the fights and the crying and the exhaustion the next day, life would be much duller without her, and you only have to thank your clumsy self

uhh i feel like this is very short but yeah ❤️ requests are open so go crazy mfs ‼️

#attack on titan #attack on titan fanfiction #attack on titan x reader #hange zoe #pieck finger headcanons #pieck finger x reader #pieck finger #pieck x reader #pieck headcanons #pieck aot #marcel galliard #porco galliard #porco galliard x reader #zeke jaeger x reader #zeke yeager x reader

[flockofdoves]

i feel really really weird this week. trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. like its certainly not the first time i’ve felt like this in my life but ive just not had my emotions so . not numbed? in so long or felt like crying totally unprompted or felt vaguely angry at random shit in a certain sort of way (which for something new then makes me feel super guilty because i used to be bad with how i went about anger and i guess i never really fully learned how to practice being normal about it i just started constantly suppressing it along with every other emotion so seeing myself angry about inconsequential shit even if im not acting on it makes me feel awful like people are potentially seeing my reaction to them when its not a justified thing even if i dont think i’m doing anything). like sure those were super normal in past parts of my life. maybe even in the context of my job which i guess i only quit just like 7 months ago now even if i otherwise felt numb through the year before that too. and not something surprising to emerge again bc it has in the past year too but just maybe not so much at once but on top of that just feel a bit paranoid about stuff like people reading my mind or bugs crawling on me (or imagining sensations like that or seeing that or w/e)

i guess in typing all this out when i think about it the one time i felt like this this past half year that i can think of (or at least pretty similar and notable in the way i felt weird minus the anger. actually i didnt feel angry til the past few days so i think thats just at like. being around someone whos made vaguely bigoted comments that i’m affected by but then feeling guilty for reading the worst into unrelated shit bc of that making me feel unsafe) is when my brothers girlfriend visited. and now this past couple weeks she visited and then my uncle visited and then my moms friend visited and in general just theres more invitations to see other people even not staying w us bc everyones vaccinated.

so i guess the biggest factor throughout all of that is like. having to get used to interacting with people that i havent interacted with much in this past over 2 years of being isolated while also simultaneously having my daily routines disrupted by that a bit?? which feels absolutely insane to me that that would have That disproportional of an effect and be something i really did not even know how to attribute at all until typing this out right now. like i really appreciate and have fun with a lot of those people its not bc i dislike them or literally anything like that i think this is just a bit of a deranged unexpected side effect of whatever fucking stage of isolation i’m at where instead of just feeling really stilted in conversation or feeling like i dont know how to normally talk to people or accidentally crying while talking to people or oversharing and being awkward like i have at various times throughout my 2 years and 4 months of isolation when i had brief periods of interacting with people i cared about and/or people around my age again, while sure a lot of that is still somewhat happening (but not the crying in conversation, that was once when i got to see friends from college once literally right before i really realized the pandemic was starting and i couldnt keep visiting after not seeing them for a year before then. i just havent seen any of those friends since)  i think its like. not knowing at all how to act normally around people but also not being as used to the people i am newly interacting with while my routines interrupted so whether i want to make a good impression around them in spite of that or am trying to be normal about feeling upset about shit people i dont know well but cant just not be around say or whatever  ig it just like. flares up my anxieties about what can tell from what i say or how theey take me and all that leads to intrusive thoughts and paranoia about not just giving off the wrong conversational things but literally people reading my mind and judging me for intrusive thoughts recursive cycle etc and all that just makes me feel exhausted and unsafe and useless and whatever etc and maybe subconsciously is bringing up a lot of reocurring emotional shit i’ve dwelled on but not cried about much at all this past half year idk. plus i’m just stressed about how much i really want to get done before starting to move and go back to school.

makes sense in explaining most of it in typing it out right now but nonetheless dont like that. isolation has had a lot of awful effects on me (literally i know i’m talking to so many other people in the world now with that its nothing special lol. ‘i was doing this for a year prepandemic’ is a stupid thing to emphasize 1 year is horrible enough and it just blends together) and i’ve long been terrified thinking about how it could be affecting me in more unforeseen and/or longterm ways but i think i was thinking i had a general sense of how my trouble with interacting with people again would manifest and i really dont like seeing that like. i literally did not fucking know how to connect my emotions and other shit recently to that til right now. better than not connecting it at all of course but i dont like it feeling so unconnected. in general have been very disconnected from emotions even outside of social interaction type stuff so of course thats something to work on too but idk just scary to realize maybe i dont even know the general shape of how my trouble “reintegrating into society” is gonna look like lol. and while i’m hoping it will feel better (but honestly probably a lot more intense emotions even if positive) with realizing this know i really even more cannot even begin to imagine how seeing people ive been close to in the past again will end up going when i get to that

#cpost

[inknose]

mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

#mdzs readthru #this obviously has many spoilers

[mortuarybees]

do u have any more good omens fic recs?

oh boy do i. some of them are fics that i have included in my fic rec tag so if you’ve been in that bear with me there will also be others. basically my preferred and only accepted genre of anything is “unbearably tender” and “aziraphale is extremely neurotic and crowley loves him anyway” it’s therapeutic

at some point im going to update the original reference post with like. all the amazing content ive come across since making it but until then:

one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel by lumosity aka @femmeaziraphale aka my very best friend

they have started another fic intended to destroy my life in which hell wins the next round and divines a special torment for crowley pls read it and encourage them to finish it because they don’t believe me when i tell them it’s amazing and i am  d e s p e r a t e  for more.

 “You know, you’re very familiar,” Aziraphale said, breath stinking of the sweet wine.

 “Oh? I guess I look like many goat herders,” Crowley allowed. Aziraphale snorted, nudging Crowley’s shoulder clumsily.

 “No! I mean that you just seem like someone I’ve known before,” Aziraphale said. Crowley felt that familiar ache in his chest. Suddenly he wished he was sober.

 “I have a common face,” Crowley dodged.

 “Say whatever you like, but I feel like we fit together quite nicely,” Aziraphale said, resting his head against the bark of the tree. Crowley took the opportunity to watch Aziraphale while he had his eyes closed. There were the same old blonde eyelashes against his cheeks, the one little drop of sunlight that formed a mole at the corner of his eye. Crowley wished to kiss his cheek only once. An apology for not losing. For not giving Aziraphale an eternity of listening to celestial harmonies.

wings and how to hide them by triedunture

Crowley's been annoyingly in love for six thousand years. What's another lifetime between friends? // if you follow me you’ve probably seen me post or quote certain excerpts a million times you may recognize it as His Body Is A Place And It’s Filled With Love.

He swallowed. So bloody awkward, staring up at Aziraphale like this, having his face held. Was he supposed to maintain eye contact? It seemed impossible. His gaze darted away.

"Keep your eyes fixed on me," Aziraphale admonished, giving his cheek a little pat. "Try to imagine, I don't know...slipping into my body the way you'd slip into a new coat." His smile was weak.

Crowley made a face. "Sounds grotesque."

"It isn't! Come now." His voice and eyes softened. "Please. Try."

Deep breath in. He would try. For Aziraphale's sake. "All right." He opened his eyes, held Aziraphale's plaintive stare, and pictured how it would feel. To be a part of Aziraphale. To be held inside him, to surround him at the same time.

To be loved.

hand in unlovable hand by courfeyrock (les mis solidarity)

“Goodnight, my dear,” he says, and Crowley swears, Aziraphale could call him my dear for six thousand more years and he still wouldn’t be able to get used to it. // it’s tender it’s bed sharing it’s “i love you in the human way” it’s quoting that unspeakable broadchurch scene its title is from no children by tmg; in short, it’s specifically designed to torment me.

Crowley’s head snaps around as if on a swivel. “Shall we… what?”

“Go to sleep? Normally I would love to stay up and have a drink or a chat but you see I really am exhausted and I--”

“Yes, yes, of course.”  Idiot,  Crowley thinks.  I am such an idiot.  "I'll uh, I'll sleep underneath the covers, and you can sleep on top." He waves his hand in a forcefully casual gesture that he hopes conveys just how normal it is for two platonic friends to be having this conversation.

everything just stops by witching

they are drunk and crowley wants to take a bath so he miracles one and they have. the most unbearable conversation ever fucking put to fiction literally returning to it to select one single quote was nearly impossible for me emotionally. god the tenderness the yearning!!!! “i like your silly aziraphale things”!!!!!!!!!! “i love you deep, angel”!!!!!! i hate it! just read it please i cant actually keep describing it or i’ll have to lay down for a little while.

 “Are you –” the angel’s voice was hoarse, and he paused to clear his throat, “are you playing some sort of game right now?”[....]

“I am not,” Crowley whispered fervently, his face frighteningly close to Aziraphale’s. “Six thousand yearsss, angel. You’re a part of me, and I jussst – just wanted you to know, is all.”

 Without warning, Aziraphale reached with both hands to pull Crowley in closer, forcing him to drop his own hand from the angel’s face. Aziraphale held him gently, pressing a single chaste kiss to the demon’s forehead, his lips lingering as his thumbs slid tenderly along his cheekbones, his fingers wrapped up in dark, dripping hair.

 When Crowley responded not by recoiling, as Aziraphale had expected, but by melting against his skin and sighing contentedly, the angel placed another kiss on one cheek, then the other. He moved to kiss Crowley’s eyelids, his jawline, his chin, the corners of his mouth, all the time cradling Crowley’s head in his hands, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Crowley to rebuff his affection.

Crowley, ever one to defy expectations, continued to allow the angel to kiss his face to his heart’s content. It was only when he heard Crowley sniff and let out a pitiful whimper that he pulled back, looking at the demon with concern.

hard feelings/loveless by witching

Aziraphale said it was like the opposite of the feeling you’re having when you say things like “this feels spooky.” Crowley didn’t know what to make of that, but he expected it was something like the opposite of the feeling you get when the only person who truly knows you makes a cryptic remark suggesting that you can’t understand love. Crowley understood love all too well. // crowley. crowley can’t sense love bc he is so goddamn full of love that he can’t see past it he’s just so full of it that he can’t separate it from just how he always is  c r o w l e y. also angelic/demonic mindmelding.

“What about - I mean, if that’s… love,” he struggled to get the word out, “then what’s this other feeling? The one that I’ve been calling love for all this time?”

 “I don’t know,” Aziraphale said. “I can’t possibly imagine.” He didn't have to voice his surprise at the fact that Crowley had an emotion he called love. It wasn't that he had truly thought Crowley was incapable of such an emotion; he was deeply aware of the power and range of the demon's feelings. He simply hadn't thought that Crowley was in tune with his own mind enough to understand it in those terms.

 “Can I show you?” Crowley blurted without thinking.

come as you are by punkfaery (explicit; trigger warning for body dysmorphia and disordered eating)

Aziraphale visits a modern art gallery, goes on a diet, and submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known. Not necessarily in that order. // this mugged me in an alleyway and ruined me emotionally for a whole night but like whatever. it starts with a mary oliver quote so idk what i expected

He dragged a kitchen chair out and sat in it, looking like he wanted to set fire to things with the power of his mind. He was probably angry enough to try it, too. Aziraphale moved a nearby copy of The Earth Compels out of the way, just in case. “It wasn’t really because of him,” he said. “It just made me realise, that’s all.”

“Realise what?”

Aziraphale swallowed. “That I’m not… quite as I should be. That you deserve better.” He lowered his head, feeling wretched. “That’s all. I’m sorry I didn’t say something from the start, but it seemed like a difficult sort of thing to bring up.”

Crowley’s face was indescribable.

“You thought I’d stop liking you because you’re not thin,” he said. His voice was utterly toneless. A muscle ticked in his jaw.

“Well, naturally when you say it like that it sounds – ”

“Seriously? After six thousand years of, of whatever you want to call this? After we literally saved the fucking world together?”

salinity (and other measurements of brackish water) by drawlight

It's an odd thing, getting on after the End of the World. Crowley takes to sea-watching. // michael sheen has read and recommended it. god. it starts with a quote from eros the bittersweet. it took me a full half hour to read past the first paragraph or so it’s so Much.

"I want to see you cook." (Something made from his hands. Something purely Crowley. Nothing pulled from the ether. Nothing sourced and given, no. Something made from his hands.)

He looks at his hands. Holds them up, splays them against the shale backdrop of his ceiling. His hands are always the same, day to day. They are clean but stained. His long and dawdling fingers, his bit of knuckles, his veins and tendons beginning to show a little more. Yes, more, he doesn't know the age of his body but he keeps it somewhere here, at indeterminate forty. There is a hangnail on the ring finger, there are stains of belladonna on the sides, on the rough spots.

Belladonna, that green plant sick with chlorophyll, sick with poison. Crowley is a gardener and he grows belladonna in his bedroom. He knows poisons the way Aziraphale knows the Dewey Decimal System. Yes, he knows them intimately, bent over his long counter, pulling the leaves apart, peeling the stems. Crushing the seeds. He knows not to lick his fingers after, that the leaves and berries are toxic to a grown man, that maybe even Livia had used it once, dripped into Augustus' wine. Not, really, that poisons would  matter  . It’s one of those little perks of the demon gig, that whole  immortality thing. What can get at him; what can cut it short? Only holy water and other blessed things. (Aziraphale is an angel, made out of blessed things. Crowley does not know how it might be to kiss him, mouth to wet mouth. If holy water might burn him, what can he expect from the freshwater mouth of an angel?)

birds of a feather by idiopathicsmile

Aziraphale nests. Crowley relearns some crucial facts about angelic courtship rituals. // look....im weak for home decorating as proxy or metaphor for domesticity and familiarity and this trope is literally this. i die

“Demons definitely don’t court,” says Crowley. “They fuck sometimes, but it’s—I don’t know if you’ve ever seen anything about the mating practices of insects but it’s more—like that. There’s no guarantee all parties will come out in one piece. Never seemed worth it, frankly. I like my pieces where they are.”

Aziraphale takes this all in with a series of slow, horrified nods.

“Wait,” says Crowley, “what do angels do?” He’s never pictured angels engaging with each other at all, outside of maybe mandatory team-building exercises.

“They nest,” says Aziraphale.

Crowley waits for this to all make sense. “What, instead of fucking?”

“No,” says Aziraphale primly. “Not  instead. It’s—it’s part of the courtship ritual. You have to be able to build a decent nest if you want to be seen as a viable mate—”

“Like birds,” Crowley repeats, disbelieving.

“Not like birds, birds got it from us,” shrills Aziraphale.

men have gone to heaven for smaller things than that by mercuryhatter

Aziraphale finds an age slipping away from him. // aziraphale and crowley attend robbie ross’ funeral, and aziraphale mourns the loss of the old circle. also there’s some brief dunking on bosie. i adore this fic with my whole heart

“Listen.” Aziraphale took Crowley’s elbow and dragged him out of earshot of the funeral, releasing him under a nearby tree. “It’s not that I’m not glad you’re back. Remember that, because I’m about to be very short with you, but it’s not that.” He raised an eyebrow questioningly and Crowley nodded.

“That being said.” Aziraphale took a deep breath. His voice was shaking slightly and he tried to press it back to steadiness inside his throat. “You will not get near one more human under my charge this decade, are we clear?”

“Angel–” Crowley started, surprised, but Aziraphale cut him off. Fury was bubbling up inside of him, bright and brittle and with a deeply-buried thread of exhaustion that he couldn’t afford to think too long about.

“No.”

where you stay i will stay by mercuryhatter

at the hundred guineas club, men went under women’s names. aziraphale went by naomi and he paid! to keep ruth free! for crowley!!!! while crowley slept! it stopped my tender heart

“Let’s see. We all know Victoria, of course. Betsey, Henrietta, Georgiana, Chastity, that’s rich, and Temperance too, particular friends of each other, I imagine? A few Elizabeths, not particularly creative… oh.” Crowley nudged Aziraphale until he peeked up from his place hidden in Crowley’s sweater. “Aziraphale.”

“No, dear, I didn’t put that one down.” Crowley huffed in fond exasperation.

“No, honey, you put Naomi.”

“So I did.”

“And… I don’t see a Ruth.”

“No,” Aziraphale sighed. “No, I paid them an extra hundred pounds a year to hold that one for me.”

“For you or for…”

and this isn’t a fic but another essay that means the world to me, making an effort: queer (trans) masculinity in the ethereal & occult beings of good omens by elegantidler and irisbleufic

#henry speaks #good omens #fic rec #ineffable husbands

[littlebabycrybtch]

im sorry but sometimes it is so see through that you fake and corrupt ‘pro recovery’ people are literally just so frustrated and annoyed with nd people and thats all your mindset revolves around. like you’ll throw one or two fucking random self care tips at us and we’ll rightfully say ‘that doesnt work for me’ and yall instantly go on these absolutely unnecessary and brutal TANGENTS you were saving up abt how we’re ‘’’’wallowing’’’’ and that therapy takes ~Actual Effort~ so if ur special universal tips arent working for us we’re ‘’’being difficult’’’ and ‘’’’lazy’’’’ and ‘’’’hurting ourselves’’’’’ like. idk man sure i am sorry i cant ‘take a shower to feel better’ bc my symptoms make the task more stressful actually and take away from my other more necessary tasks, im sorry i forget to take my vitamins and drink enough water bc i just dont feel a difference anymore, im sorry i rely on medication instead of therapy bc therapists also teach me things that dont seem to work, except im trying, which means no matter how hard i might seem to be failing, i am ‘pro recovery’. idc how the fuck it Looks to you personally, i deserve your support. and i shouldnt Feel the Need to apologize to a stranger who claims to be my ally for experiencing mental illness symptoms and not being able to immediately correct them ! if i could do that i wouldnt be mentally ill !! i especially should not be made to feel ashamed to even Talk about my struggles just bc i know yall will try to put a bandaid on it and then guilt me when i say it didnt work. smfh like. ur children. sometimes things just have deeper rooted problems and u dont have to take it personally that you specifically cannot cure me. 

ik it blows ur fucking goddamn mind but yes actually some people just Do really struggle to shower, to drink water, to take their meds, as in it takes actual personal efforts for them it wouldnt take for you and they have to work harder than you to accomplish them, and there are in fact some things nd people personally Cannot do and will Never be able to do without going backwards and sacrificing their happiness and quality of life exhausting themselves for an unattainable goal. only they know their limit, and pushing yourself past your limit is unarguably damaging. this ugly ass assumption you cannot be happy enough while still ‘allowing yourself’ to experience some symptoms... the idea that its just laziness and ‘anti recovery’ to openly struggle with what you view as the ‘easy’ or ‘beginning’ steps of recovery... is an inherently ableist and Harmful mindset you are all falling victim to and fucking over this community with. to be perfectly frank you are not ‘pro recovery’ when you demonize and shame people who are not ready for recovery. bc that doesnt do anything to help them recover. its genuinely just your excuse to hate and bash ‘severely’ nd people bc ur uncomfortable with them and wanna claim theyre doing it on purpose so you feel rightfully angry abt it. when you throw tantrums over us Being Mentally Ill and not ALREADY recovered like good boys or w/e all you are is pro nd people conforming to your standard of functioning and shutting the fuck up abt their actual identity and symptoms and experiences until they reach that level when ur comfy listening to them again. you’re pro neurotypical people, or those pretending to be for your comfort. its literally starting to border on an eugenics attitude by claiming the only healthy end goal is to be virtually indistinguishable from a neurotypical and match their functioning as best as possible. not all nd people Can do that, would be Happier doing that rather than accommodating their issues in other ways, and nor should that be the default goal to push on all nd people. also a lot of the shit yall push at us for even nts dont always conform to, so why is it us being made to walk on eggshells? why when i skip a shower am i evil and destructive but nt bob can go a week without one and no one bats an eye or they just joke about it???

lbr recovery doesnt look the same from person to person, you cant apply one broad standard like this, not to mention its not always an uphill battle, which doesnt just mean; ‘oops i relapsed :(((’. it means breakdowns, it means self harm, it means slacking off, failing hygiene, forgetting things, missing things, bad behavior, risky behavior, things that are Going to inconvenience you. and the second you forget that or decide to no longer care about those people, when you decide to have a baseline where you stop respecting or supporting nds for not trying hard enough to be like you, when you Drop them until they meet your standards as if they arent still nd people who need you on a basic level, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE A FUCKING NEUROTYPICAL WHO DOESNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHERRY PICK AT US LIKE THAT (!), is when you have inverted and ruined your own fucking cause by corrupting it with selfish conformist ableism. 

tldr i understand why statements like ‘just go to therapy’ ‘thanks im cured’ would frustrate you, but i also VERY MUCH understand and NEED for you people to TRY and understand why mentally struggling people would be adverse to going to therapy, and not bc they goddamn hate recovery and wanna be sad forever or w/e strawman youve come up with, but bc of their issues which are valid and Can hinder these types of decisions and even affect how much aid these coping skills actually provide, and they dont deserve your fucking Unbridled Malice and Shame over it bc they are not literally trying to be more mentally ill. its simply a symptom and consequence of their already existing mental illness. like i really... cannot fathom the level of disconnect you must be on with nd politics to take that and assume they are truly just rejecting the possibility of happiness for the sake of being unhappy. i truly think if you cant wrap your head around ‘mentally ill people, whos minds are literally experiencing sickness, are not always rational or able to help themselves, or sometimes it only appears that way and they just know better abt it than you do’ you just. arent even an ally. you’re an ableist in activists clothing. people struggling with the concept of recovery arent inherently ‘anti recovery’, yall are honestly just really fucking BAD at how you push for recovery bc most of you dont know shit and are just mean and wanna whine abt nds to be quite blunt with u lol. the whole ‘tough love’ mindset is Bullshit ok it isnt real your love doesnt have to be tough and callous and come with conditions you just wanna be abrasive to validate ur judgement and then excuse it as secretly helpful, just be supportive and 📣 LISTEN 📣 to us or get the fuck out honestly bc u arent helping anyone with what this shit has unfortunately become

#tw ableism/// #a little rambly but tldr i love the concept of pro recovery but oh my god if uckgin hate pro recovery people so much u are all so stupid #i keep waiting for you ppl to be less stupid and u never are #like mam are you pro recovery or are you anti visible mental illness. take a sec to ponder ill wait #long post #and for me its like. i dotn trust ppl who feel they have to clarify and say that why cant u just say ur a disability/mental illness ally #why cant you just say you support us. why cant you say you want us to be happy. why do you ahve to put #literally ALL of our value in your eyes on our recovery aka how far we can stray from being nd

[aaronhart93-archive]

discord text/facetime call || aaroman

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and & @romanbeckett

When: August 26th, 2020 - August 27, 2020

Mentions: @alison-haynes @luca-regio

Description: Roman and Aaron talk about Alison’s conversations with both Aaron and Roman

TW: aaron may or may not call alison a bitch, crying, angry!aaron

Roman.

Does Ali not want Des staying the night with me I guess?

And I love you too

Aaron.

sigh

I don’t know what her deal is

I think she’s been having issues with luca and she’s just being irrational

I’ll text her

Roman.

No it's fine

Aaron.

it’s not

Roman.

It is. If that's what she wants, then that's fine.

Aaron.

it’s not what I want. And she’s 50% me so

she doesn’t get the final say

Roman.

I don't want to cause any issues

She said I can see her a few hours

Aaron.

you’re not causing any issues

Roman.

Just let it be, it's okay. Ali has enough stress going on, we all do. I don't want to upset her

Aaron.

no. It’s fine.

Roman.

bleh

Aaron.

she’s fine. Just being dramatic. Don’t worry about it

Roman.

okay

Aaron.

just um

I may have told her that we got back together right away

just got with it

Roman.

Okay

Aaron.

Alison is blaming me for all of her relationship problems with Luca

Roman.

Of course she is

Aaron.

she’s being so damn petty

I’m in rehab and she’s picking a fight

Roman.

I wish I knew how to help

Aaron.

we’re just going around in circles and I don’t know what to do

I’m honestly so hurt

today sucked. This is the last thing I need

Roman.

I shouldn't have said anything I'm so sorry

Aaron.

it needed to be said anyway

I just don’t know what to do

I’m so pissed of

Roman.

Don't worry about it. I'm just going to back off, and I'll see you Sunday.

Aaron.

Roman

no

I want to see you and Des on her birthday

Roman.

are you sure?

Ugh. Not how I wanted to end my trip. But anyway.

I have to be on at the airport in a couple hours.

Roman.

I love you, but I’ve talked with Alison, and I’m not going to come up Friday. Out of respect for her, and her being uncomfortable, I’m going to step back a bit.

Aaron.

wait

what

WHAT DID SHE SAY

Roman.

she just told me how she’s feeling and I understand. I came on too strong and I’m not Des’ parent. I shouldn’t be acting like I am.

Aaron.

oh my god

what the fuck

oh my god I’m so mad

Roman. Are you okay

Roman.

don’t be mad. She didn’t say those words directly like that, it’s just my perspective.

it’s okay.

Aaron.

what exactly did she say

im sure her words were a lot harsher

Roman.

she’s just scared of losing you both

she needs time to process all this change.

Aaron.

wtf is that supposed to mean

Roman.

I feel weird sharing exactly what she said

Aaron.

she's the one dating a fucking criminal

im so livid

Roman.

just don’t tell her I’m sending this

“Roman: “I know you love Des, and I appreciate everything you do for her. But at the end of the day, Aaron and I will always be her parents. And maybe one day, maybe you will end up being her step parent, but none of us can see the future. So we don’t know if that is what will happen. But right now, you’re not her parent. For a long time, it has always been Aaron, Des and I. That’s it. And things are changing really fast. I mean now there is you and Luca and the baby. I can only handle so many changes at once. And right now, I’m not ready for Destiny to have a “third parent”. I really do appreciate you and all you do for her, and she adores you. I’m sorry, I probably sound like the biggest asshole in the book right now. But half the time I already feel like I’m losing Aaron, I can’t lose Des too.”

Aaron.

oh my god

she did not say that to you

Roman.

it’s fine Aaron

Aaron.

it's far from fine

Roman.

I’ll just see you Sunday, and then come visit one day next week.

Aaron.

Roman,

im so upset i cant even tell you

Roman.

don’t be upset okay? Just focus on what you’re doing there, and it’ll all be okay. I’m fine. It’s okay.

I got ahead of myself because I love des so much.

Aaron.

you're not ahead, Ali is behind

Roman.

but she’s right, I’m not her parent. Maybe one day I will be, but I’m not right now.

Aaron.

but you love her like one

Roman.

I do, and that won’t change.

I can wait.

Aaron.

im so upset roman i cant even tell you

im so sorry

this is all my fault

Roman.

no it’s not

I knew Alison was uncomfortable with me being so involved from the beginning, and I did it anyway

Aaron.

bc it's irrational as fuck

Roman.

Aaron it’s not. I mean, maybe I feel a little bad that she feels this way about me, and not Luca, but she doesn’t know me as well as she wants to yet. Idk, I’m trying to understand here. I just don’t want you two to fight over me.

Aaron.

that's what im saying. she's being such a fucking hypocrite

Luca's a fucking criminal

and he gets to spend the whole day with my daughter

she thinks because she's having his baby that that someone invalidates that we've actually been together more than luca and alison have

Roman.

she must see something in him we haven’t been able to yet.

Aaron.

fuck that.

she's being such a bitch

Roman.

don’t say that

Aaron.

am i wrong

Roman.

I don’t think she has ill intentions here. She’s just a little blinded right now.

Aaron.

she's so stubborn

she always thinks she right

im so damn sick of it, i've let it slide for so many years

and i know she thinks she's a better parent than me

Roman.

Aaron no she doesn’t, come on.

Aaron.

she’d never admit it but she does

look at her now. Thinking she knows what’s best for Des and not taking what I have to say into consideration

Roman.

she’s just upset right now, maybe she’ll be thinking clearer tomorrow.

Aaron.

if I wasnt locked you this wouldn’t be flying

* up

Roman.

it’s okay.

Aaron.

it’s literally not

Roman.

listen to me. I need you to breathe. Relax for a minute. I’m okay, we’re okay. Everything is okay, and will continue to be okay.

Aaron.

I know you are more upset than you’re letting on

Roman.

I’m upset, but it is what it is right now. Im on my way to the airport and I can’t let myself get too worked up about it at the moment. I just have faith it’ll all work out.

Aaron.

Roman.

I just

I don’t know

I don’t want to get you any more upset before getting on your flight

Roman.

why? Did something else happen?August 27, 2020

Aaron.

no I just still want to go off about this

bc it’s bullshit but I’ll stop

for now

Roman.

Aaron nothing is going to get solved with anger though

Aaron.

not now

Roman.

what?

Aaron.

if I were in New York this would be different

Roman.

maybe it’s good that you’re not. Everyone needs to calm down.

Aaron.

I feel like I can’t breathe

Roman.

Aaron.

Facetime calls Aaron and waits for him to pick up while sitting outside the airport

Aaron.

answers “I’m fine. I’m fine.”

Roman.

“I needed to see you to determine that for myself.” blinks, and then takes in a ragged breath while running a hand over his face

Aaron.

clears his throat and wipes his puffy eyes, takes a deep breath “I’m fine.”

Roman.

“You’re clearly not fine. Babe...” looks over the screen, and sighs “You’ve been crying. Please don’t cry...it’s going to be okay. I promise you.”

Aaron.

just tries not to break down in front of Roman because he knows he’s having a hard time with this news. Takes a deep breath “This is so fucked.”

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

“Baby.” looks over screen with concerned expression, wishing more than anything he wasn’t so far away. “Aaron. Listen to me. Alison is going through a lot of stress, she will come around. What’s important right now is that you focus on your recovery, and I will take care of the rest. Alison and I will work this out. You two are too sensitive right now to come to an intelligent conclusion right now. And then on down the line, everything will work itself out between you two as well, between all of us.”

Aaron.

“I’m just...” aaron hangs his head and covers his face with his free hand, taking slow, shaky breaths “I can’t lose either of you. Oh my god...” he attempts to steady his breath again “I know the intelligent conclusion. She’s being irrational.”

Roman.

if Roman could climb through the screen right now, he would. “Aaron, you’re not going to lose anyone. Ali isn’t going anywhere, and neither am I. We’re all going to work on this together. look at me.” he tilts his head, and sucks both lips into his mouth, trying not to cry. “Everyone gets irrational sometimes. Ali is a good person, and she’s not dumb. She’ll come around, and we’ll find a solution that works for everyone.”

Aaron.

takes a deep breath in another attempt to steady his shaky breath. He sniffles, rubs his eyes then Finally looks back at camera at his man “Okay”. he looks at Ro and prays he doesn’t start crying “I just don’t know...and Roman told was just awful. I haven’t been this depressed since my dad died. It’s so hard here. And I want a drink so damn bad. And Ali just... unable to hide his tears, he lets a few tears fall “made this so much worse.”

Roman.

looks worried, eyes darting back and forth as he tries to think of how to fix this situation. “Do I need to come get you? Is there anyone you can talk to right now?”

Aaron.

puts his head between his knees and lets out a few more sobs, looks back up into the camera yeah — I...no you don’t have to come get me... not yeah. But yeah...I can go outside and talk with a counselor now.” he looks towards the door

Roman.

nods, and tries to keep himself together just like he had all night, knowing what Aaron really needed right now was stability. “Okay baby. Go talk to a counselor, and then text me. I don’t board for another couple hours. Okay? I love you.”

Aaron.

sighs, thinks about how grateful he is for Roman “thank you. I love you, too. I’ll text you when I’m done. I’m sorry.”

August 27 - 2am EST

Roman.

hope you’re okay. I’m boarding my plane.

Aaron.

yeah

she talked to me for a while hour

Roman.

are you feeling any better?

Aaron.

a little

I’m just exhausted now

have a safe flight babe.

Roman.

okay. I’ll let you get some rest then.

Aaron.

I hope you sleep on the plane

are you okay

Roman.

as long as you are.

Aaron.

I’m not. But I’m fine for now.

Roman.

okay

well try and get some sleep then.

I love you.

Aaron.

I love you

#discord #text #text: roman

[pizzapizzadickz]

Ah~~~ what to do~~

#diary #personal #mn. i just. cant keep up with life. i cant keep on top of it. at all. #i cant just ignore everything and have fun either. #god. i wish i could just give up on everything and do the things i want. but i cant bc its wasting time #but i just waste time anyways. #and like. im not suicidal anymore so i cant use that as an escape. so now im just stuck here wasting away #idk. life would just be easier if i didnt make all these arbitrary rules and i didnt have to like. keep up with everything. #im just exhausted and idk what to do bc i cant do anything to begin with. #its so much easier when you can take a break and just. not exist or something. #idk. anything is better than this crap. im tired.

[vonseal]

what im weak for this week

SOOOOO i haven’t done one of these in almost a month! i think it’s high-time to get back on track again! hopefully i can come out with the next one on the 11th instead of a month later.

this is long. like srsly long. like wow. it took me an hour. i could’ve written a whole fic.

call me maybe by shinigamibutter

i’ve got this weird thing with library aus. i love them. maybe it's because libraries are elusive and mysterious to me now (i checked out a book back in middle school, i still have it on my bookshelf and im too scared to return it), but they’re something so nice about libraries. also there’s something so nice about SOCKY and MYUNGJIN and BINU all in one lil fic, holla for a dolla! this is really nice and cute and i loved reading it! <3

out of my league by koutarous

BINU!!! DRINKING TOO MUCH (bad bin)!!! i loved this prompt and @shouldveheldon did it so much justice, it’s unbelievable how good it is (but i’ve never been disappointed from her writing). the set-up is good and even if bin should lay off on the alcohol a bit, at least it got him a cute guy’s number, AMIRITE.

i’ll pick the white and fluffy clouds from the sky for you by spaceviolet (vividplum)

did you guys know im a fan of the cute fluff? did you guys know im a fan of the socky? did you guys know im a fan if you combine both those things? heck yes man, this combination was so amazing and perfect. ALSO, ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP??? im in, im so in.

Does Lonileness Ever Truly End? by MidnightsDeath

i should stop writing angsty stuff bc people take it as inspiration to make even angstier stuff and then im all sad and depressed lol. especially WHEN I STARTS HELLA CUTE WITH MYUNGJIN. thank you for writing this, and thank you for making me cry and ruin my makeup haha.

(my) hot antagonist by rubanrose

we’ve been getting this nice influx of moonrock here lately, and seal approves. i mean, tbc was basically moonrock (did you see the way bin smiled when he brought up rocky???). ALSO ANOTHER ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP, YES. and just moonbin and rocky being cute dorks together and making my heart die of fluff, wow <3

you captured my heart by binubin

some people say that the fake boyfriend au is overdone. i say it’s UNDERdone. like, seriously, i love the idea of people pretending to date and then legit falling in love (the proposal is one of my favorite movies if you guys wanted to know), and WOW IM SO HAPPY THIS ONE EXISTS! bin is a photographer and dongmin is a (un?)willing subject, and i just want you guys to read it. it’ll be six chapters of awesome sauce.

home is wherever the heart is by diametrical

NO GUYS YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THAT DOMESTIC AUS ARE JUST THE GREATEST!!!! AND MYUNGJIN???? DOMESTIC???? wow, just shoot me now, @leedeermin, bc you stole my heart already. i thought nothing could top binu domestic au, BUT THIS DID (mostly bc myungjin > everything for me, im trash, send help). thank youuuu for this, it’s all i needed in life 

i get to love you by asteraa

aka, lanna still tryin to make up for making me sob over trains to busan au. well it worked. it worked so so so well. and the song choice for the end I HAVE IT ON MY PHONE BC OF THIS NOW WOW i get emo over it thank you so much. this is all around just funny and cute and heart-wrenching and fluffy and perfect.

moving on by slaymyseoul

your username conveys perfectly what you’ve done to me, @slaymyseoul: you slayed my soul. slayed it hard. slayed it nasty. and then you acted all happy in the end notes like you didn’t just slaughter a thousand hearts all at once. this binu just...all 700 words of it just ruined me for the rest of my life. you’re such a good author and it shows in my tears.

baby by beifomg

tbh now all i can think in my head is BABY whenever they call each other that, bless astro and their bitchin tunes. NAH BUT THIS FIC is so pure??? so so so pure and i just wanted to touch the screen and somehow lengthen the story with nothing but this pure moment between eunwoo and binnie. at least im so happy this was created, it’s perfection.

Let's go on an adventure! by Rach4040

BINU!!! CUTE BINUUUU!!! also rulebreaker binnie and SUDDEN RULEBREAKER EUNWOO??? i love the idea of cute, romantic teens going off in the middle of the night just to be cute and pure and getting back home in the morning and knowing they won’t get any sleep and will be utterly exhausted all day, but it’s worth it because they love each other AND THATS WHAT THIS IS!!! it’s so cute, gosh golly.

rock show by roobix

i know a few people wanted bartender jinwoo, which i might still write, but i think this one is even better than what i could ever do. it was so short and i longed for more BUT MAN what we did get was fantastic (and made me imagine bartender jinwoo, haha yessss)

oh, the stars shine by parkjinchu

the stars shine for @parkjinchu and HER BEAUTIFUL FICS!!! i missed her writing in the lull after the year we met (go check it out, go check it out on her page, wow i cry), but she’s back with DOMESTICCCCC (im so happy with all this domestic we’re getting) JINCHA!!! why is there not more jincha, they work so well together. (i’d write it but also im myungjin trash, i cant escape my hell). also cute new parents peeking over a bed at their fragile baby just warms my heart (also, relatable, how do you touch a baby without breaking him)

summer paradise by aseuteuro

nopenopenopenope. i shouldnt recommend this, so dont read it unless you want to cry at work like seal did (not safe for work, bc you CRY). it’s binu and i sorta expected it to be happy despite the angst warning in the tags (im not smart, i dont claim to be intelligent) but it WASNT, it just RIPPED MY HEART OUT, HOW DARE

colour me by heybinnie

i will be honest, i dont normally read reader-insert fics like this, but i thought, “it’s @heybinnie and she’s perfect so i bet it will be perfect.” guess what? it was. it was so dreamy and beautiful and breathtaking, and i seriously cannot wait to figure it all out! (JINWOO SELLS DRUGS, PASS IT ON)

flytrap by tinytaeil

MYUNGJIN, i thought. METAPHORS, i thought again. BEAUTIFUL WRITING WOW IM JEALOUS, i thought once more. and then it ends with my cries, why can’t jinwoo just LOVE and have HAPPINESS, why this, why the poor fly, why the amazing description and flowing narrative??? tbh, i think this fic was a flytrap.

forbidden love by jiminaddiction

MORE MOONROCK! look at us getting blessed with all this moonrock. i love this one a lot bc minhyuk is deaf and bin is colorblind, but WOW they’re so adorable and blushy around each other! each chapter that comes out makes me so happy and excited, and i can’t wait for more of it!

Loop by ContraryNonsense

WOW MAN THIS IS SO INTRIGUING!!! i dont read tags, tbh, i just click at this point when i see the description, so i didn’t expect the ending to the first chapter (then i read the tags and thought, “gotta trudge past the angst to get to the happy ending.”) and we’re ALMOST THERE!!! ONE MORE CHAPTER!!! definitely read this, pls do so, it deserve so much more hits than it’s got.

where soil lies, a new beginning blooms by @vocalpmh

THIS WAS INSPIRED BY WITCHCRAFT WHICH>????? how did i do anything to deserve this amazing piece of perfection??? i still read it a lot, it’s one of my go-tos when im feeling down, and im so blessed you gifted it to me, i just absolutely ADORE this fic. pls pls pls read, it’s pure and perfect myungjin (also butt groping, my legacy spreads)

breadtrayed by @glowingjinjin

that pun. get in my home, lanna, i need your puns. i think we had a discussion bc i actually dont like bread all that much but NO WHAT HAS BREAD EVER DONE TO ME??? or to eunwoo, who apparently can find time to bag up a bunch of bread, what a great boyfriend.

a love stronger than furniture by @glowingjinjin

stop writing funny fics to make up for train to busan, you can’t replace my broken heart. IDK THO THIS CAME CLOSE TO DOING SO!!! everything about it was perfect, and you’re so amazing with writing these cutsie fics??? (and then you’ll turn around and rip out my heart, i know you will)

witch coven au by @astrofireworks

i still havent read the newest addition, but i have it up right now to read after i post this. i love your imagination. i love your ideas, i just need to tap into your brain and steal some of this brilliance, thank you very much

UPDATED FICS FROM LAST WEEK MONTH??? -

because of hani by gachigallae - have i mentioned how much i love these kids and domestic stuff??? because i do, i truly seriously do, and i love this fic and bin’s affection for dongmin’s daughter is so cute

5+1 by heybinnie - this makes my heart wrench, but in a good way, and makes me realize how fantastic of a leader jinwoo is to these boys.

stray romance by alette - @alette-stars done did it again, stole my heart and made binnie and dongmin both all so jealous, wow this is cute

medley by sassysavagesanha (RedJusticeLibra) - QUEEN OF SOCKY!!! MORE SOCKY FOR ME!!! more socky for you if you click right now, guaranteed you’ll enjoy it

short moments by Mieun (snowsketch) - i love these cute little movements, and new chapters always make me so happy, especially the myungjin in the last chapter!

inked by jinwoosmile - i figured you out, @jinwoosmile. you tryin to get me to cry. and you succeeded, congrats, you can stop bashing my heart apart now.

leave me dreaming by desiderate - im hooked. im so so so so hooked and idk how it’ll end but im so anticipating whatever happens because it’s such good writing so i know it’ll be fantastic (even if i’ve been so sad with this lol)

the language of flowers by birdbrainberke - I LOVED THIS PROMPT so obvs i love this fic, especially bc it’s @payneinthearsenal, who really knows how to write amazing fics.!!!

and if you ever have anything you think i need to check out, hit me up with that fic, fams. i dont even care if it’s your own. i check a03 regularly, so if it’s something posted elsewhere, pls let me know!

#what makes me weak this week #i started full time hours and my brain has been mush so this is a month late oops #i'll stay on track from now on

[saltwaffle]

kinda thinkin out loud here (momswap)

so earlier i decided not to have a malachite arc equivalent because in this, peridot => amethyst, lapis => pearl, and jasper => garnet and my pearlnet heart loves sardonyx too much to make her a hell fusion right but then i remembered whats keeping me stuck in a canon timeline??? whats holding me back? like what if when jasper fights garnet, defuses her and runs up to the bridge with steven, peridot, and lapis, amethyst doesn't do the escape pod thing, just runs deeper into the ship in a wild panic. pearl's still sitting in her cell. then when the ship crashes and explodes, first ruby and sapphire dig themselves out, frightened and angry. they're not in the mood to do anything offensive, and want to run away — just like i planned before. but what if then amethyst digs herself out and freaks out bc holy shit, crystal gems everywhere, and desperately she asks ruby and sapphire to re-fuse and take her with them to form sugilite. panicked, R&S agree and sugilite forms to defeat the crystal gems. except that she doesn't. bc while garnet and amethyst are trying to control sugilite, sugi doesn't like that so much, and runs off on her own (just like canon, she has her own strong personality that develops more as time goes on). so now you have this giant purple nicki minaj running rampant somewhere thats not beach city, pearl is missing (everyone thinks she poofed in the crash but she's nowhere to be found), and everything kinda sucks!! maybe then later, steven finds sugilite a la super watermelon island and sends malachite off to pop her a good one, but malachite's defeated and sugi's this ready to make a fresh batch of blueberry and orange flavored frosted gem shards — and then all of a fuckin nowhere, pearl shows up and gives it to sugilite. or some shit. she de-fuses, ruby and sapphire are picked up by the CGs, but a panicked and real exhausted amethyst steals peridot's motor bike and splits. steven tries to get pearl to stay but she tells him that she can't, she has to keep searching for rose quartz's shards, certain that they're on this planet somewhere. (an even weirder dynamic to throw into pearl and steven's relationship here is if pearl knows pink diamond shattered rose quartz, and openly swears vengeance against pink in front of steven. so he has to like. constantly keep his shirt tucked in around her or else she might flip and try to kill him) meanwhile once ruby and sapphire recover, steven convinces them that they can be free as a fusion on earth, and that they don't have to be afraid of homeworld because earth has him and the CGs to protect it. (adding to the pressures and anxiety steven faces as the "heir" of pink diamond?) they begin to trust him completely and finally decide to stay fused together, and celebrate with an earth "wedding" (cue enraged shrieks from uncle andy) but (probably happens before happy wedding tbh) garnet is still very unnerved about something and steven asks, and she mentions that the original task was to check on something called "the cluster". she doesnt like to talk about it and gets very erratic, almost glitchy, when thinking about it. she doesnt know what it does; she was never told. only amethyst has any idea, garnet tells steven, and only because she has the information on her bracelets. she doesnt actually know anything about how it works since she was basically sent as a test dummy. but between amethyst and garnet, they might have a chance at figuring out and neutralizing the cluster. except that its not that easy because amethyst. if you have not figured out. is EXACTLY as stubborn as in canon. she will not under NO circumstances fail this mission because, quote, "then Holly Blue'll be RIGHT about me being worthless and, and the other quartzes will miss me, and i'll never be able to climb on carnelian's head to give jay wet willies ever again. and i'll never see P-9 have her baby, and skinny'll have to take over cleaning the human waste chute for me and she HATES that. no, im GOING back to that stupid base with all my data, and you cant stop me, you FUCKS!!" except that they do and jasper poofs amethyst into oblivion. she's bubbled and the CGs get her wrist computer thingies. the CGs decide they dont need amethyst and can use the information on the thingies just as fine without her, but this doesnt sit right with steven and he unbubbles her. without her cuffs, she's virtually defenseless, and steven's able to sit and talk with her. except that he can't do it with peridot, convincing her that they have to work together to defeat the cluster, since amethyst doesn't know shit and they both know that. so steven tells her, "you help us, we can give you a new family here. one where you dont have some old lady kicking you around!" or something like that. and its not exactly enough for amethyst but its better than being in a bubble. she gets in scuffles with jasper first (a la back to the barn) idk about what, and then peridot (too far 😏) and the answer is about resolving her conflict with garnet. garnet tells how ruby and sapphire met (same as the answer) and how they were drafted by blue diamond, and explains why fusion is so special. they resolve and im really tired now and not in the mood to draft the rest of the fuckin show. who knows where pearl is maybe same old world is more like mr greg and three gems and a baby where pearl comes to terms with the fact that rose is shattered and steven can't bring her back or something critique/questions/plot hole combing desired greatly

#my momswap #my stuff #su #steven universe

[startswithat-blog]

Nov 11

happy remembrance day i guess

long time no type, well 3 days but still a few things have happened since we last talked to end off the last post i opened it and he said something along the lines of not now in the future which idk if im hyped about or weirded out but it'll do for now

so yesterday was the big night i ate twoish steaks, showered thinking the night was going to end with me high with some new friends but nope plans went south and im still kinda pissed about it

where to begin okay I was supposed to finally meet T get high with him and his friends and bri was supposed to come with, he friend was supposed to come and we’d go to a party after 

buttt no the friend and party cancelled but hanging at res was still on bri gets into bed i tell her dont fall asleep we need to go she said shell get ready at 9 i get up  to shower at 8:30 i go back down and shes sleeping and im trying my hardest to get her out of bed but nobody can get her to do what she doesnt want to do 

she was all excited for the party but now that its cancelled it doesnt matter about our plans shes all of the sudden exhausted i tried for 30 mins and she starts getting rude and kicking me literally off her bed and i eventually give up and im pissed i say then dont talk to me about anything

all the while T’s snapping me telling me, looking forward to me coming and i had to bail on him bc shes deciding that tonights the night she wants to be a selfish bitch

let me tell you now weve had these plans festering for a week 

and as much i hate to admit care about what people think to an extent so when people are waiting for me expecting me to be somewhere no matter what ill be there unless soemthing serious happens

if i say im gonna do something ill do it yet sis cant say the same

i was pissed and T was snapping me during telling me that we cant not come he already paid for us and in this moment knowing that weve had plans that she said she was gonna commit to people relying on expecting her people have already paid for her this bitch still doesn't come that got me pissed i literally prayed i wouldnt choke her out and hate her forever and swore to myself that i wasnt going to talk to her again

this might be an extra reaction in your eyes yet the true tea is shes done this before frosh week all over again we buy these 40$ braceleet which were just a waste of money bc we didnt go bc she didnt want to and yes ik what youre thinking i couldve went alone then and i couldve went alone now but you know what i suffer from anxiety i

its not as severe i dont think but im uncomfortable in situations where i dont know anyone and its not like i couldve drank to get comfortable bc there was no booze at the parties

but this time i wouldnt have mattered if i was comfortable or not we had plans and she broke them (”you went and broke our lives” a quote from the lovers dictionary i thought of) so with or without the anxiety im still pissed imagine having palns that you and others are looking forward to just for them to get cancelled at the last minute it sucks and when someones being a bitch and acting like theyve done nothing wrong makes it even worse

oh yeah not only are all the people who were expecting us mad, i looked bad and i had to pay him back FOR WEED I DIDNT EVEN SMOKE, MONEY I DIDNT HAVE FOR WEED I DIDNT SMOKE i went to bed not high no new ffriends and pissed one of the worst saturdays to date

the only extra thing that i did yesterday waas believe that we werent gonna speak againa nd that id move

i want to move but im not because she doesnt want to but you know what next semester im leaving whether shes coming or not

its not a product of this i based my living situation completely off of her and where she was going but the tea is the people are weird and its too far especially through the winter

i woke up this morning still mad but as ive proably not mentioned i cant hold a grudge for long not because i have a big heart or whatever but atleast i think because i never could with my mother and it programmed me somehow

im not talking to her and get this im snapping T all about this and he tells me that she snapped me saying sorry and that i wasnt talking to her like ur not gonna apologize but snapping T is gonna change something i was pissed and said her feelings have nothing to do with mine which is the truth i mean i didnt do anything wrong

anyway she comes out and apologizes to me i say whatever ask her if shes paid him back she says she will

i mean i dont think im overreacting it was a shtty thing to do 

soso were talking but im being dry, i mean i want to forgive her and i mostly have but idk it just showed me you cant rely on people 

T’s telling me its fine and i should forget about it and let it go but i wanted to go and the fact that she did killed it for me

now as mad as i was and might sttill be i cant help but to think that maybe eveything happens for a reason i wasnt meant to meet him that night 

i remeber how pissed she was when i accidentally took her case and that was an accident this was purposeful and didnt think how this would effect me it was selfish point blank i think im just pissed that i paid for weed that i didn't smoke and that on tp of eveything she still tells me to clean the bathroom thats also gotta stop her telling me what to do i moved out of my moms house  and i dont plan on returning full time yet here i am

writing about it makes me calm down and i think im gonna forgive i just felt betrayed thats all

i still want to move if not december next semester whther shes coming or not i probably shouldve lived on res or went to trent but whats done is done cant go backwars only ahead 

all that shit aside i spent the day doing absolutely nothing and having another meltdown about how my life was pointless and meaningless and i dont know what im doing with it or where its going so i spent it watching old movies god i wish i knew what my purpose was then i could work towards it and not feel worthless

B went to a meeting almost three hour ago she texted me asking if i was okay and idk why shed ask im not the one outside the house and then her phone ddies 

to be continued

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i really need to get better at writing these again, haha. especially bc ive been spiraling a lot lately. after i type this, im going to post a reflection that ive been meaning to finish last sunday. 

so, hey. im not doing so great. and i cant tell if it’s me overreacting or me not being in control of my own mind or something else entirely but im not in a mentally stable place. i thought i was doing better. i thought i had grown more confident and felt more in control of everything. i thought my family had gotten closer on a deeper level. but i was wrong. im not okay. im really not. and i can try and deny it all i want but im not doing so great. im usually that friend that people go to for advice, especially when concerning others but i cant even manage my own friends and family. a part of me knows that ive cried a lot this past year and honestly, i feel really ashamed of it. i have a bad habit of bottling everything up and then just letting the waterworks flow one after the other during the next session. but im here now and i want to harden myself up again so people dont see how weak i am again. and i know deep in my heart that thats actually not what i want. bc i dont want to be an apathetic robot again thats just all about do do do and nothing else. i feel like a machine whenever i shut people out and i get the job done but at what cost? if i could have it my way, i would be surrounded by a community that unconditionally loves me and i dont have to think or try to do or pretend to be someone or something else. i can just be me and be accepted in their arms. but thats not the case. i do want to open myself up and i do want it to be a place where everyone feels free to share. but honestly, im scared. im scared bc im afraid that people dont actually care about me. and they never did. whenever i do share, it’s just awkward, and heavy, and silent, and no one knows how to respond or wants to pray for me. And it sucks. Honestly, I’m really sad that Shar wont be returning to Columbia next year because she was with me during my hardest and most trying times. And yeah, we got busy. But i didn’t blame her at all. She had her own things to deal with and I respect that. It’s just gonna be a lot harder without her. I’m honestly so afraid to go back home. I am so scared out of my wits that I’m gonna go home and it’ll be like nothing ever changed.  It’ll be like high school all over again. Where I’m just so miserable and nothing I ever do will ever be enough for anyone. I have worked so hard and for so long to get to where I’m at now and there are still so many problems. What’s wrong with me. I don’t trust Jason, and PJ, and Angela, and Grace, and Christine, and Rachel, and everyone else enough to share all of this. All I know is that I’ve been burned and hurt so badly in the past and it’s scarred me for life. I’m so afraid that I won’t actually ever find someone to fall in love with. But I still have so much baggage that I need to solve before I can even begin looking or hope to find anyone. I just want to drown everything out in media so that I don’t and can’t actually think for myself anymore but I also know that I won’t get anything done or solved that way. This is something that I need to take the time to pray and meditate on. 

And honestly, it’s kind of lonely and exhausting at my internship right now. I’m the only graphic designer and everyone keeps expecting me to do so much and I’m really into it. If there was a graphic design team and we all had all these tasks to do, I don’t think I would mind. If it was at least one other person that I could talk and communicate with, that’d be nice. Preferably another intern but even the only graphic design employee would be great too. But it does feel pretty overwhelming to be expected to take on so many tasks and to do so many things for all these different clients when im only getting a stipend. and i know they tell me i shouldnt feel pressured to stay after 5 but i do so that i can get these things done. i was highkey kinda salty the other day when jon said that im not doing things like mockups for clients yet but will once july hits but i already am? sigh. idk. i think im just feeling kinda overwhelmed bc it’s so many different projects to work on with so many different clients at once. is this how it always is? i knew i would have to work with clients but not to this level. they told me that didnt want to just throw me in with the sharks from the beginning but it feels like they did. and yeah, im still swimming but im getting tired. i definitely think i should bring this up to them. but at the same time, i am afraid of bringing it up bc i dont want them to just revoke so much at once. like i can still be productive. i dont want just one project to do a day. like trust me to do more. but not this much. i guess if it was just projects coming from jeremy and jon or if i knew the process or where it was going, i would feel a little better. i just think it’s been a lot of big projects that ive been working on for the company? if it was just a bunch of client work, i dont think i would mind as much. but bc the speed of all these new projects is so fast and i already have to worry about designing numerous spreads/pages on top of that? it’s a lot to take in. but bc im pretty much done with the internal stuff, or as far as i am concerned, i do think it should calm down from here.

i think i thought approaching and confronting specific incidents in my life would solve my mental trauma but it’s not just that. it’s been years of yelling and verbal abuse that have shaped me to believe the things that i believe today. and i do really thank andrew for bringing up that i think the way that i do bc i was conditioned to think that way and i am afraid to reread what i originally messaged him about. but i think he is right and it’s gotten me to start really thinking about how much my family has impacted my life in more ways than one. i get overwhelmed easily. my senses cant handle a lot coming into it. that’s just not how my brain functions or works. i thought i was over my asperger’s but i dont think that i am yet. but i still remember my mom yelling in my face, “what’s wrong with you? how can anyone be that stupid?” i always thought it was just my dad that was always strict with me and my sister but it’s always been my mom too. shes the one that spanked me. shes the one that said the most verbal abuse against us. i think my dad just doesnt understand how we work and is actually the more caring and understanding parent. but he has strict rules that he abides by and is really logical so that “loving” family figure has always been absent. My mom has tried to be the peacemaker in the past but doesnt change the fact that shes been just as hard on us as my dad has been. 

#reflection

[modsumessenger]

when people enforce their favorite pairings so fuckin viciously i cant help but get annoyed. Ive never been one for shipping, im more invested in the characters and story themselves rather than who i think should fuck or whatever, but the worst kind of people to me are the ones who have to make every aspect of the source material about their ship or shove aside anything that doesnt support/focus on it, and essentially just force as much as they can to have it permeate the media as a whole. I could say this sentence for just about anything but: fujoshis are the fucking worst when it comes to this. You really can't deny it, especially when being a fujoshi is a disgusting thing to begin with. Not only are they usually the most guilty of demanding to have their pairing catered to, its also really ass-pissingly common to see them berate and tear down anyone or anything that DOESN'T support it, even when it has nothing to do with them and is truthfully a matter of personal preference and opinion. Infuriatingly Ironically, the same people who claim intolerance when confronted are also the ones who respond with outrage when presented with the notion that people who disagree with them are allowed to coexist and have just as much of a right to presence on the internet and to enjoy the content as well. In all my experiences both first and secondhand fujoshis have always been the fucking Worst with really aggressive and immature behavior as a means to ensure that they can consume as much fetishized "YAOI!!!!1! XD" content as they want and be as obnoxious as they can towards anyone with a different opinion or tastes. If that weren't enough, they also tend to drown out content that doesnt relate to their shipping, so people who just want to enjoy either of the characters as they are, you know, as in, more than a hypothetical relationship because straight girls like the way they look together, they have to do so while flooded with so much content focusing solely on that that by comparison the remainder seems practically barebones.

And listen, just disliking or being apathetic to something thats popular doesnt make you a victim to see it a lot, thats not my point at all, but the hypocrisy of the types who flood any platform with their favorite pairing really shows when anything that conflicts or doesnt pander to it surfaces, because they'll usually be the first ones to cry that it's being "forced" on them, even when theyre still receiving the overwhelming majority of content. You know the people I'm talking about.

So outside of giving my two cents on a topic thats literally giving me whiplash like I'm back in 2009 to talk about, what really bugs me is when whatever they're shipping is not just baseless, (because canon is not law and the freedom to explore outside possibilities and "what ifs" is kind of a core element to enjoying and being creative with content you like) but also unhealthy and romanticized. Toxic relationships are horrible things. And even then, I'm not saying they are objectively bad! Sometimes the toxic pairings are even the CANON ones, but the romanticizing it and prettying it up (particularly common in mlm pairings and especially from fujoshis) to create something that's optimal for yaoi fangirls to squeal at and flick their bean to is just genuinely upsetting. I know I'm about the millionth person to point this out, I'm practically certain everyone and their grandma has said this by now, and believe me I'm not thinking that my typing this will suddenly give fujos a biblical revelation and end toxicity forever, no, no such luck. So, yeah. You know the drill. Portraying abusive/neglectful relationships as something healthy, let alone romantic, is bad. yadda yadda, someone comes back at me with the "it's just fiction" argument, blah blah, I remind them that throughout history and constantly to this day media has and will influence real life on both an individual scale as well as en masse, they tell me to leave the internet or kms or something bc this apparently warrants that in their eyes, yadda yadda, done. You've all heard it before and frankly I'm just waaay too tired to put myself and a million other people blessed with some sense, since it's apparently a commodity, on repeat. But even that's not all. This pertains more to me I guess since the kind of media I enjoy tends to focus on more dark topics and circumstances, so I guess fans of slice of life style stuff might not have this problem, at least not as much? But when I see such an unhealthy pairing praised like gospel, especially with a character I not only love but relate to, resonate with, whatever you want to call it, it's just depressing. You've probably had this feeling at least once before, when its like; As if it's not bad enough when a character gets the short end of the stick in canon, now those shitty circumstances and terrible treatment are being erased and prettied up because fujos would rather rework the material into something better suited for their fangirling. I dunno, when you like a character so much, when you sort of imprint on them in that way and kind of go like "yes. you." somewhere along the line, and start to root for them and relate to them and even see bits of yourself in them, if you're anything like me I guess, when something unfair, grisly or depressing happens to my favorite character in a series/game/etc, I hate it as much as the next person, it fuckin blows, man. But people acting like the character's mistreatment didnt happen, rework it into something they can use for ship fuel or anything less than what it was just feels worse somehow. Like on top of everything else even people looking at the story and events from an outside perspective either just dont or wont recognize and acknowledge what that character endured, even when its a critical moment and integral to who they are, or even to the story as a whole. Idk, call me lame, pathetic, immature, whatever, for having a piece of fiction become important to me, but it just stings every time I see them altered, manipulated, and reduced to something completely different from themselves for the sake of a pairing. Like the idea of the pairing, that concept, is more important to them than the integrity of what the character is, and from people who claim to be fans, no less. The idea of something beloved to you being dominated by people who simply want to shave it down to create a Person A and Person B for them to mash together and making kissing sounds is just kind of... completely exhausting.

If it seems like I'm taking this suuuper super seriously, think of it this way: coming from someone who is an aspiring content creator themselves, it kind of just gives a bit of unpleasant foresight for what I and creators like me will have to brace themselves for, and then maybe it'll at least make a little more sense to you for me to be so bitter, lol.

#modsu rambles!!! the movie! the show! the musical! the experience! the revengening! the game! the movie! & KNUCKLES #madsu #oooooo bitch go off