#im in such a weird transitional period right now and almost nothing seems right.

[thebiggestcodpiece]

Theres nobody better than you

#theres some kind of buring inside me #its kept me from falling apart #and im sure that youve seen what its done to my heart-but its kept me from falling apart #ive weighted and watered my heart till it grew you can see how its blossumed for you #god mitski makes me cry #im in such a weird transitional period right now and almost nothing seems right.

[rogueonestan]

ch 18 -“‘til our paths cross.”

pairing: the mandalorian (din djarin) x f!reader / ofc

word count: 8.3k

summary: after learning the one thing you have kept as a secret, din reflects on the time he has spent with you. in doing so, he comes to a conclusion that will forever change your paths.

a/n: hi im back with another update a month later. i tried uploading this last week but tumblr was acting funny so i wanted to wait a little bit until i tried posting it again. hope you enjoy!

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The dead silence in the Crest isn’t enough to put a stop to the thoughts that are currently going through Din’s mind. 

He almost forgot how much he can no longer stand the silence. It’s something he got used to for such a long time. Nearly every night was filled with dead silence, but now not a day has passed without any noise thanks to you and the kid- not that he’s complaining. If only that were the case right now.

Even when his head is spinning with thought after thought, the only thing Din can focus on at the moment is the humming of hyperspace. He thought that being alone is exactly what he needed, but it isn’t helping the slightest. Usually being alone helped Din sort through his thoughts in the past, distracting himself by getting away from everything, but not this time. 

It reminds him of a time when his afternoons were spent like this. He’s gotten so used to his days being filled with noise that he forgot what it was like to be in complete silence, and it’s something he hasn’t missed in the slightest. This should be the perfect place for Din to clear his head, but it isn’t. As hard as he tries, he can’t seem to process everything that has happened in the past day or so. When you returned back to the Crest after everything that happened on Nevarro, Din’s first instinct was to be alone with his thoughts, thanks to his old habits. He can’t focus on what he’s thinking longer than for a minute- so much is on his mind as the ship is in transit. Everything had changed just by one afternoon spent in the cantina that the two of you had grown so familiar with. One moment you’re trying to lure an ex-Imperial officer to his death and the next, you’re trying to survive a shootout. 

Then the next thing Din knows, he finds out that you’re considered to be an enemy. A Jedi. 

He doesn’t even know what it means to be a Jedi, or even what a Jedi is, but based on what the Armorer told him, it sounded like they’re the enemy of his people. 

He feels as conflicted now as he did then. 

Even though you don’t consider yourself to be a Jedi anymore, you still knew about the strange abilities the kid has and didn’t mention anything to him about it. You even recognized what species the child was when you found him and still didn’t mention anything. 

The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. 

Why didn’t you ever mention anything about the Jedi? Did you not trust him enough? Or was it something you weren’t proud of? 

You were never one to shy away from reminiscing about your past. You’ve told Din plenty of tales from your childhood, and even when the galaxy was at war, but never your time with the Jedi. Something must have happened with your time with them. 

Maybe that’s something he can ask you about once the Crest jumps out of hyperspace. 

Glancing behind him, Din follows the source of the only sound in the cockpit. The child is still fast asleep in his makeshift bed, unbothered by his surroundings. The long day all three of you had obviously got to him as well. A sigh leaves Din’s modulator as he continues to glance at the sleeping child in front of him. Usually this would help him ease his nerves, but nothing seems to be helping with the thoughts gnawing at his brain. 

Why didn’t you say anything to him? 

Din’s told you things that he hasn’t told anyone in years, hell, he doesn’t think he’s ever told anyone the things that he has shared with you, but you haven’t shown him the same courtesy. There have been so many opportunities for you to do so, but you never spoke up. There have been so many times that you could have explained things, made it easier for Din to understand the strange child, but you didn’t. You only kept your mouth shut when Din was confused about what was going on with the kid.

Though he understands why you never mentioned your history with the Jedi, afraid you would be putting yourself in harm’s way if you did, it still doesn’t help with the tight knot in his stomach. It would have been a difficult conversation to have, sure, but you still would have shown the full trust you have in him by telling him the entire truth- not hiding it until you were forced to explain yourself. 

Shaking his head, he immediately disregards the thought. He can’t blame you for a decision that clearly has haunted you on a daily basis. 

There’s a reason why you never told him before and you told him why when the two of you were in the hull just a few hours ago. You were afraid.

You were afraid that if you told him about who you were, you were going to be either killed or turned in as a bounty. 

Being on the run simply because you were raised by the Jedi was all you knew for years, and Din can’t blame you for that. He doesn’t know how long you were with the Jedi or when you began distancing yourself from their ways, all he knows is that you did it to protect yourself. if you hadn’t, then your paths wouldn’t have crossed.

It’s not an easy thing to digest, but Din knows the decision to hide this from him must have not been easy. It’s not easy to open yourself up to someone you’ve only known for a short period of time, especially when you have been stabbed in the back on multiple occasions in the past. Din knows that feeling all too well. There have been things Din hasn’t told you, or spared you the details of, because he wanted you to protect you. Though the details were minor like playing off an injury he got from a fight or something bad that happened that day- he understands why maybe you never revealed your past to him. 

There must have been a good reason for it. You wouldn’t have made that choice with a blink of an eye. It would have been one of the most difficult decisions you’ve ever made. You’ve always been so open with him about everything. It hurts for Din to think about why you never told him about it before, but he tries to not think about it too hard. 

Maybe that’s just how you were raised. Keeping certain truths away from others to protect them. You never judged Din for the customs he grew up with the Mandalorians, so he can’t judge you too harshly on the customs the Jedi raised you with. He may not know exactly what they are, but he can’t judge you too much until he learns more about them. You’ve shown him that same courtesy, always asking questions about the Mandalorians and their traditions without any judgement, even when you knew about the history your two people have with one another. The least he can do is show you the same courtesy. 

The Mandalorians always told him to be wary of who to trust. If you trust everyone that comes in your path, then you’re bound to have others taking advantage of your naivety. Perhaps you were raised with similar principles. 

The Jedi can seem like mysterious people to outsiders. The outside world knows hardly anything about them, even when they were highly renowned during the Clone Wars. All people knew during that time is that they had weird powers that wielded laser swords. No one really knew what their beliefs were or what their Code was. All most people knew is that they would try their best to help others by siding with the Republic. 

Without knowing, the many things Din admires about you is because you were raised by. Throughout your journey together, you’ve shown him your true colors. You’ve tried your hardest to let that part of your life go, but the teachings of those who raised you have been engraved in your mind. You’ve shown this to your partner by your willingness to help the defenseless on multiple occasions.

The first time Din was able to see this side of you was when you received the bounty puck to retrieve the child. It seems like such a long time since that day. Before arriving on Arvala-7, you always kept your mouth shut when it came to a job you disagreed with. You always told Din how you felt about a job, but this was the first time you told him how you really felt. You refused to bring an innocent child into the hands of the Empire. He was only a child.  The kid would be defenseless and you knew that you had the power to do something about it. You couldn’t just step aside and let the Imperials do whatever they pleased- you had to stop them. 

You always put the kid’s well-being before your own while he was in your care. You put yourself in danger during the short fight with the Trandoshans to make sure the child remained safe, and kept an eye on him when the three of you were returning back to Nevarro to hand him over to the men who hired you. During the ride back, Din made sure you were safe as well. 

The relationship between the two of you changed during this trip. He was able to see how caring you were towards strangers you just met, something he hadn’t seen in you before. You ensured other people’s safety before your own. 

Before you took this job, you always showed a tough exterior to the outside world, but you showed Din the real you. You showed kindness and empathy towards others. You were finally beginning to grow comfortable with his company, which is something not many can say. Something about the kid changed something deep within you, and Din cannot be more grateful.

If it weren’t for you and your kind nature, he wouldn’t have been able to tell you the things that he has over the past several months. When your walls came down, his came down as well. He shared a few things with you at this point, but your relationship only began to grow since that day. Your compassion let him see you, not his bounty hunter partner, but you. You had qualities he hadn’t seen in another person in a long time- he almost forgot what it was like for someone to do something out of the kindness of their heart, not because they felt obligated to. 

And that’s what Din admires about you. When you know something is wrong, you aren’t afraid to say so. You were wary from the start, saying how you weren’t sure if you should even go through with this job in the first place, but went through with it anyway because Din told you to. You put your own personal beliefs to the side for the job’s sake. When you found out that the bounty you tracked was a kid, you weren’t afraid to voice your concerns. There have been times where you felt uncomfortable with a few jobs you were tasked with, but you never accepted a job where it was an innocent child. 

You couldn’t find it within you to go through with it. If you did, then would there be a limit to what the two of you would or wouldn’t do? You had to put your own emotions to the side during your hunts, but you showed Din that you had a heart, a conscience, during this adventure. Not many hunters showed this part of themselves in the Guild. Din got used to seeing blank stares in the cantina back on Nevarro, but seeing the intimate interaction between you and the kid showed him just how different you are from the other hunters. Almost none of them would have been able to express themselves the same way you did that afternoon.

Without realizing it, that afternoon changed everything for Din. Everyone he knew had such difficulty connecting with others, but you were able to do it with such ease with the kid. It took a long time for you to be like that with Din, but you were able to eventually tell him stories from your past. The relationship you had was slowly growing from strictly professional to friendly by the occasional banter you would have. If it weren’t for the kid entering your lives, then your relationship wouldn’t have grown into what it is today. Neither of the walls you or Din put up wouldn’t have been able to come down.

Not once did you ever grow irritated by the little information Din shared with you about the Mandalorians when you asked about them. Before meeting, you knew very little about his people, but with time, you consider yourself lucky to learn more about them each day that passed by. By this, you asked the questions that came across your mind rather than making an assumption. He would give you vague answers at first, not wanting to reveal too much just in case you parted ways, but with time and patience, you were able to learn more about them than you ever imagined, even more so when you decided to stay by his side when he decided to rescue the child from the Imperial safehouse.

“I’m with you until the very end,”  You told him that day. Those words haven’t left his mind since that afternoon. Even when you hardly knew a thing about him, you still showed him where your true loyalty stands: with him- not the Guild, but him. It’s something he hasn’t been able to forget. 

One of the most important things to the Mandalorians is sticking with those you care for and keeping your word, and you showed that to Din when you supported him with one of the most difficult decisions he’s ever made. Not many would have made the decision you did. Many would have left his side, or even tip off other hunters, but not you. You always were different from other hunters. That day, Din was able to see who you really were. Not only were you kind and patient towards a child when you thought your partner wasn’t paying attention, but you also showed one of the most important virtues regarded to his people: undying loyalty. It’s one thing to say you will never leave someone’s side, but it’s another to actually stay true to your word. You never once made Din question where your loyalty is, and that’s something he can’t take lightly. 

What he didn’t realize until recently is the purpose he has. Things can easily get messy and complicated in this galaxy. When you both agreed to have a shared partnership, Din knew that you would be under his protection and he would do anything to make sure nothing bad happened to you, but what he didn’t realize was just how important your safety is to him until a few weeks ago. When deciding to take the kid in, he saw how he can use his training for good instead of bad. Instead of taking a life, he now can ensure the safety of two. Now, he’s not some hunter- he’s a protector of now two lives, and he’s been able to prove that by the several dangerous situations the three of you have been in together. From a cantina brawl on a random planet to that pazaak situation you accidentally put yourself in, to the weeks you spent on Sorgan, Din’s been able to keep the three of you safe even when a great danger exposes itself. 

The threat on Sorgan didn’t seem that bad at first, only a group of outsiders stirring up trouble with the local village, but things only escalated the longer you were there. The real threat exposed itself when inspecting the nearby area. The outsiders not only were greater in size, but they also had an AT-ST in their possession. The odds didn’t seem to be in your favor at that point, but with great determination and training, you were able to help the local village fight off the attackers. Din was hesitant to help at first, thinking that the odds were too great, but you disagreed. You believed that with the villagers’ support, you would be able to help them with their raider problem. Instead of worrying if they would survive the next harvest, they would be able to work in peace. And you were right- with hard work and perseverance, the attacks were finally put to an end with one final confrontation. 

After that night, the majority of the time you spent in the village was almost pure bliss. If you hadn’t been so persistent in helping them, then none of that would have happened. Din wouldn’t have been able to see the kind of life that he’s always thought of. Most of his life has been spent in hiding, whether it was literally hiding in the Mandalorian covert for so many years or it was hiding himself from the galaxy, Din never knew what it would be like to stay in a place that reminded him so much of home village before it was taken away from him. It wasn’t something he thought he wanted until he saw it right in front of his eyes. 

He never saw the true beauty of a community until the three of you became a part of one- for the time being at least. He never spent as much time with the villagers as you had, but he saw the charm in it. The villagers never hesitated to ask for help from himself or you, but seemed much more comfortable asking you. When they did, you always agreed with a giant smile on your face. It was something Din hadn’t seen before. You were always willing to help others when they needed it, but he’s never seen you this carefree before. 

Nobody had to worry about the dangers the next day would bring. The problems here on Sorgan almost seem minuscule compared to the ones you had when you went rogue from the Guild. You were preoccupied with your worries before arriving on the peaceful planet that you forgot what it was like to not worry about a thing. Instead of chatting about your worries, you were finally able to pass the time by the conversations you two would have throughout the day. One morning, in particular, pops up in his mind- the final day you spent at the village before you were forced to leave. 

That morning, Din told you things he hadn’t told anyone for as long as he can remember. He told you what his childhood was like, how similar his village was to the one you were currently staying at. He hadn’t felt this peaceful since he was a boy. 

It was something he missed greatly. He’s missed the feeling of connecting with another person- he never let himself grow too close with someone ever since he lost his parents. Losing them was bad enough, he wouldn’t be able to handle the heartache of losing someone else he cares deeply for. The only person he’s allowed himself to grow close with is you. 

He’s missed the feeling of not doing much during the day. Most of his days were spent completing task after task, never having a moment to enjoy the little things. To the average person, seeing a town go on with their daily lives may not seem that spectacular, but it brought comfort to Din. His days were always filled with adventure, never knowing what the next day might bring, but seeing the everyday lives of the villagers brought a fire in his belly as warm as your hand had felt that morning. It’s a feeling he hasn’t been able to forget. 

It’s been such a long time since he’s had such an intimate moment with another person that he can remember almost everything about that moment. He can remember how fast his heart was racing when your fingers intertwined with his, how the weight resting in his hand replaced the weight he felt on his chest, or the feeling he got in his stomach when his eyes locked with yours when you were silently listening to him. No matter how hard he tries, that moment isn’t able to leave his brain. It’s the only thing that has been playing on repeat late at night. 

It was a simple gesture from you, a silent sign of support as he continued to tell you the fate of his parents. It was difficult for him to do, the words barely left his mouth as he described the destruction of his home, but you were patient with him, as you always have been. You never interrupted him or grew restless with how long it took him. If it took him a millennium to say something, even if it was just one detail, you would be more than willing to wait for what he has to say. 

And that’s another thing that he admires about you. Not only have you been nothing but patient when it comes to him opening up to you, but you also have such a gift when it comes to connecting with others. After describing such an awful memory, you were sympathetic towards him by revealing the similar fate your parents suffered as well. It wasn’t easy, but you did it so that he wouldn’t feel as alone. 

You both had similar upbringings and were adopted into different cultures, but those who raised you shaped into who you are today.  For Din, he closed himself off from others so that he wouldn’t have to experience losing anyone else, but you were the complete opposite. Instead of closing yourself off from the galaxy, you never let your past experience of losing someone stop you from forming relationships with others. A wall was always put up from being vulnerable with almost anyone you met, but you let it down when you finally met someone you trusted completely, like Din. It took a while for you to get to this point with him, but he’s the first person you’ve been completely raw with since the fall of your people. 

That same wall lowered the same day you arrived at the village. Something about the locals made you immediately trust them, Din noticed. It’s something he hadn’t seen in you before. Thanks to that feeling, you were able to help them with their problem. Instead of backing down when things got tough, you never took ‘no’ for an answer when it came to helping them. Despite all of the trouble you’ve had in the past, of others using your good nature against you, you never lost faith in the village, believing that with their help, the raidings would be put to an end. You were right. With their help, all of their problems stopped. 

That’s something that Din still struggles with- seeing the good in every situation. As much as he tries to, his pessimistic side always gets the best of him. He thought that the odds were too great to provoke the intruders, but he was wrong. If it weren’t for you, then who knows what would’ve been the fate of the village. Ever since that day, he tries to see the light of every situation, but that gets hard at times. There were many times when Din doubted the battle would be won in your favor, but thanks to your selfless act to protect the villagers, everything turned out alright in the end. 

From that battle to the last morning you spent there on Sorgan, Din hasn’t been able to forget about the time you spent together. As much as he tries to, he can’t stop replaying the simple gesture of both of your hands touching for the first time. It wasn’t even an extraordinary moment at the time, just a small sign to show your patience with him, but for some reason, the moment hasn’t been able to leave his mind. Even when his mind is filled with so many thoughts late at night, he gets the same feeling in his stomach as he did when you put your hand in his. 

Hand holding is still as tender now as it was then, even with the multiple times you’ve done it at this point. It’s a sign of showing support towards each other, but that morning was the first time your skin grazed him on purpose. Maybe he’s looking way into it, but when your hand touched his that morning, he got a feeling in his stomach that he hadn’t felt in a very long time. The last time he can even think of feeling remotely similar to this was when Xi’an was in his life, but even she couldn’t make him feel the way he feels towards you. He felt it during your last day on Sorgan and he felt it again when you traveled to your destination on an isolated planet where there was nothing but flowers in sight. 

The warm feeling in his stomach returned when he heard laughter coming from inside the hull after landing on the foreign planet. He didn’t know what the cause of your laughter was, but he didn’t care during the moment. All he cared about was knowing you were happy and safe. He knew that all three of you would be safe here for the time being. He wouldn’t have to worry about what would happen if he left you alone on the ship. Instead of his afternoon being spent worrying about what he would have to do to make sure you’re all safe, he can finally rest. His days can be like what they were when you were on Sorgan. The day can be spent doing whatever you want, not putting yourselves in danger just so you can survive to see nightfall. 

It’s something Din hadn’t allowed himself to feel in a very long time- to be at ease. He didn’t even let himself be completely vulnerable during the weeks you spent at the village. He was afraid that the moment he let his guard down, there would be something to interrupt what he was feeling, and in a way, he was right. The morning he let his guard down was the same morning that the bounty hunter was able to track you down and almost kill the kid. 

It was just bad luck. Word eventually got around about the fight that took place and that’s how you were eventually found. Thankfully, that didn’t happen on the planet you were laying low momentially. Din had hoped that you could’ve stayed here longer, enjoying the peace that seemed to linger in the air, but the decisions he made in the past decided to catch up to him. Instead of laying low on this peaceful planet for a few weeks, you were only able to stay here for a day or two, but the time you spent here hasn’t been able to leave Din’s mind.

He found an abandoned planet when trying to find a safe place where the three of you could lay low for a while. With a low population density, the chances of someone spotting you were slim to none. You wouldn’t be able to stay here longer than a few weeks with the supplies you have, but staying here meant that you would be out of danger, and that’s all Din cared about. If keeping your head low on an abandoned planet meant that you wouldn’t be in any kind of danger, then he would be more than willing to hide away from the galaxy with you. With the great amount of danger you both have been in lately, Din’s more than willing to stay here.

When first stepping foot on this planet, the sound of local wildlife greeted Din. Birds were chirping, tiny animals were chatting, and even the simple sound of the tree branches swaying back and forth brought a sense of comfort in his bones. The planet didn’t offer much, only the beauty of its atmosphere, but you didn’t need much to be safe. All you needed was a secluded area and enough food and water to last you for a while, and that was enough for Din. If your afternoons were spent with each other’s company, that’s more than what he could ask for. 

Din was quick to make sure the area was safe shortly after the Crest landed. When he was doing so, he had the company of your laughter coming from the hull of the ship. The sound was so distant at first. If things weren’t so quiet outside, he wouldn’t have been able to hear it, but he’s so glad that he did. It’s a sound he hadn’t heard in a while- a sound he didn’t know he missed. He heard it almost everyday when you were at the village on Sorgan, but ever since you were on the run again, the sound became rare. 

Hearing your laughter in the past always brought Din joy, knowing that you’re enjoying yourself for the time being, but hearing it this time brought a different feeling inside his chest. To this day, he still doesn’t know exactly what that feeling is. Knowing that you’re happy even after being in danger just a few days prior made Din happy too, but the feeling in his stomach is foreign. He hasn’t had this kind of a reaction to something before. The only time he’s had a feeling in his gut is when his stress is beginning to get to him or when he knows he’s in danger, never to a sound as delightful as your laughter. 

Then the feeling only got stronger when he saw your reaction to where you would be staying for the next leg of your journey. The kid was giggling as he was running through the nearby flower field, but the only thing that captured Din’s attention was how soft your features were in the moment. From the way the eyes were in awe from your surroundings to the gigantic grin plastered across your face, the only thing Din could focus on is you. You somehow were able to put him under some kind of spell without trying to. 

The feeling he had in his stomach spread throughout his entire body. It’s weird to explain, but somehow it spread from his stomach to his chest to his bones. He doesn’t know how to explain what it is but it’s something he never wants to go away. It’s something he hasn’t felt in a long time, knowing that he was the reason behind your happiness made the feeling even stronger. No one’s been able to have this effect on him before, except you. Without even trying, you managed to capture a part of him he didn’t even know he gave to you. He’s kept his heart locked up for so long that he forgot what it felt like to give it to any person. 

He never has to worry about whether or not you’ll judge him harshly for something he’s done in the past. He knows that you’ll have an open mind about things and only have an opinion on it once you’ve asked questions about it.

There hasn’t been a single time where he’s felt judgment coming from you. You haven’t agreed with everything he’s done, but you respect the decisions he’s made, and that’s something he doesn’t take for granted. It’s rare for someone to be as patient and open-minded as you are, most people form an opinion far before they know every single detail, but not you. The only time you’ve only criticized a decision he’s made is when you don’t agree with it. After being partners for so long, there have been a handful of times where you don’t agree with a plan of his, but you still support him because of the amount of trust you have in him. If he said nothing bad would happen, you would take his word for it. It’s a sign of trust you’ve shown towards him and that’s something he can’t take lightly. 

Loyalty and family are the two most important things to his people. Having undying loyalty to those closest to you shows just how much you trust the other person. It’s something he’s only seen in the covert. Putting your complete trust in someone, knowing they will put your best interest in heart, is something he’s only seen Mandalorians show towards other Mandalorians. They put their full trust in each other because they’re like family, and family will do anything to make sure the rest are safe, like you. Din admitted this shyly one afternoon, afraid of what your reaction would be when he admitted he saw you as a part of his family, but seeing the look on your face told him you felt the same as well. Your people may not have as strong a belief in family as his people do, but you know the importance of him referring to you as family meant to him. 

He was so nervous during the moment that he didn’t even notice how his stomach turned into knots when your hand touched his after he admitted this. A weight was taken off of his shoulders after telling you this- he didn’t even notice his body physically reacted to you touching him. 

He got that same feeling again when seeing your reaction to the planet the Crest landed on. You had such a childlike wonder to it that the radiance beaming from you was contagious. Like you, the biggest smile was on Din’s face when he glanced around his surroundings before heading back to his task. The moment between the two of you didn’t last long, as the little one began running off towards the nearby trees, but Din hasn’t been able to get this memory out of his head. He doesn’t even know why. 

Even when you were gone, his thoughts weren’t able to escape you. He couldn’t stop thinking about how happy you seemed here even when you just got here, or how the sun bouncing off of your skin seemed to give you such a glow- not from the sun itself, but from within. Your warm nature being prevalent on the inside and outside. Everything about you was able to easily rub off of Din. 

He doesn’t even know how mind came across the things that it did. One moment he’s thinking about what the three of you could do on the planet to pass the time and the next is what your future together would be like. The future together is something he’s thought about a lot recently since the child came into your lives- he always thought about what life would be like once you found a safe place for the baby, but thoughts like these never came across his mind until that sunny afternoon. 

Rather than wondering what the two of you would do in the future, like if you would ever return back to Nevarro someday or if you would continue traveling the galaxy together, thoughts about settling down came across his mind. He doesn’t even know how that thought popped up. The two of you never discussed settling down together, you’ve both expressed wanting to have a peaceful life someday but never together, so he doesn’t know where this idea came from. It’s probably the atmosphere of this place, he told himself. 

Neither of you ever talked about what exactly your relationship is. He knows this partnership you have goes way beyond what you both agreed to, more than just collecting bounties together, it’s a bond neither of you has felt in a very long time, but the unclear relationship you have doesn’t exactly help Din figure out what he felt during the moment. Why is he only able to think about you? Even when he’s trying to figure his future, whether that would include just himself or with someone else, the only thing he’s able to think about is you- how much things have blossomed between the two of you ever since leaving the peaceful village. Never in a million light-years did Din think he would be able to feel towards another person with how he feels towards you. It’s a foreign feeling, something that he has to figure out one day.

The only thing he knows for sure is that he trusts you more than anyone else in the entire galaxy. If there was something you were uncertain about, he would gladly hear you. If you decided against a decision of his, he would try to figure out another way. 

After everything you have been through together, the only thing he knows for a fact is that he doesn’t want a future without you. It’s hard to imagine a life without you, whether that meant continuing the lifestyle you’ve shared for the past year or if that meant a more domestic one. 

There’s so much he’s told you about himself that he hasn’t dared to share with another soul, whether it was the simple reveal of his name, or where he came from, or even what life was like when the Mandalorians took him in, he’s never told anyone the things he’s told you without thinking twice about it. He hasn’t trusted someone this much-  the last person he can think of was before he was adopted into his creed. 

When he told you about the ideals he was raised with, you never made any judgements towards him. The only thing you told him was that he was more than the beskar armor he wears daily. Though he was adopted into Mandalorian customs, you always told him he’s more than what he was raised by- that he’s his own person. He’s gotten so used to others making critical judgements about him just because of who he was raised by that he was taken back to hear what you had to say. 

It’s not often he heard someone speak about his people in such a collected manner- most people were quick to judge their warrior ways that it was nice to hear such good things come from someone who isn’t accustomed to their ways. Hearing you talk about your loyalty to him, to Din, not to the Mandalorian warrior, was something he didn’t know he needed to hear. He grew used to people either admiring or condescending his warrior ways that he forgot at times what it meant to be his own person.

Thanks to you, he’s been able to see that part of himself again. He’s hidden it away not only from the galaxy but from himself as well, and you’ve been able to show him that he can be his own person beyond the armor he dons. There’s no doubt that his creed has shaped him into who he is today, but he’s also more than that. He’s someone with a heart, empathy towards others, putting others before himself- something he’s never thought of himself as until you pointed it out. You were able to see the best parts of him when he didn’t even see them.

When you were able to see the best parts of him, he saw the best parts in you when you returned with a simple gift when you were gone for a bit. Glancing back at the memory, the gesture wasn’t that big, just a bunch of flowers bundled up together, but to him, it meant so much to him. He can’t even remember the last time someone did this thoughtful for him, let alone giving him a gift. It’s been such a long time since he’s experienced this much joy from a single action. It probably didn’t seem that big of a deal to you at the time, just something to take his mind off of things for the moment, but he can remember everything about that moment- the warm feeling in his chest returning when he saw the bundle of flowers shaking slightly in your hands, the nervous expression on your face, the feeling of the sun beaming against the sliver of exposed skin at the nape of his neck. He wanted to remember every single detail of that moment, not wanting to forget what it felt like. He never wanted to forget what it felt like to be this happy, not having to worry about anything happening to the three of you. He just wanted to stay here.

He wanted to see more of this side of you. Seeing how happy and carefree you were here reminded him of the memories he has of his mother. When he was a boy, his mother and father used to do so much to express the love they had for one another, and a lot of the memories he has of them is the gifts they would give each other to show how much they loved each other. It’s something that his parents always made sure he was a part of- he would try to help them as much as he could to help pick out the gift. It was something he always looked forward to as a boy and it’s something he’s seen on multiple occasions during his trips throughout the galaxy. 

Gift exchanging is a common thing among married couples- like his parents, married couples want to express their love by giving their significant other something they know they’ll like, and Din can’t help but think of these things as he inspected the bundle of flowers you gave him that day. It wasn’t the most lavish gift, but it was more than he ever could ask for. It showed that, he too, was on your mind even when you were separated. You wanted to express how much you care for his well being by giving him something that you had access to, and with the current environment you’re staying in, you have very limited choice. He didn’t care what the gift was, all he cared about was the thought you put into it. 

The thoughtful gift is what reminds him of the qualities you have that his mother also had- your thoughtful nature, the way you put others first before yourself, offering to help others in any way you can. His well being was your first priority. You tried to ease his mind as much as you could, you tried to take some of the burden off of his shoulders by offering to repair his very torn cape that he dons. It was something that you didn’t even think twice about, just wanting to help him in any way that you can, but it’s something he hasn’t been able to forget. It’s just one of the many ways you’ve shown him how considerate and thoughtful you can be without even realizing it. 

~

There’s so much about that day that he hasn’t been able to forget, even when he’s alone in the cockpit as the Crest is in orbit of your next destination.

So much has happened within the last week of your lives. One day you’re able to find sanctuary on a nearly abandoned planet and then the next, he finds out about the one part of your life you never shared with him before. He can think about why you never spoke about this part of your life before but at the end of the day, it’s a decision that you didn’t take lightly. With how open your relationship has been lately, it’s hard to imagine just how difficult this decision must have been for you. Not only to keep this from him, knowing about the messy history both of your people have together, but to move on from who raised you. Even when the Empire was hunting his people, Din always had the support of those who took him in, but you didn’t. You had to survive on your own. If you hadn’t, then your paths wouldn’t have crossed. 

There must be a reason why your paths crossed. It’s the only reason he can think of- because the galaxy wouldn’t be so cruel as to force his path away from the one person he trusts the most, right?

It’s not an easy thing to digest- to find out the one person you trust the most was hiding something as big as this. A Jedi. He can’t get the Armorer’s words out of his head. Not only were the people who took you in considered to be enemies of his people, but you also knew more about the child than he did and still didn’t tell him. He can’t help but feel that you don’t trust him nearly as much as he trusts you. 

He disregards the thought, shaking his head. You didn’t have the same kind of support as he did when the Empire rose to power. He had others in his covert to rely on when things got tough, but the only person you had was yourself, something he knows all too well at this point. 

He closed himself off from others just so he wouldn’t have to feel the weight he feels in his chest. He understands why you made the decision that you did, but he can’t ignore the aching feeling he feels throughout his entire body by the thought of you not telling him sooner. You only revealed that part of your life to him because you were forced to. He told you things he hasn’t told anyone else since, well ever, not even someone in the covert. He had so much faith in you that he told you anything he could think of. It doesn’t feel fair to expose parts of himself to you just for you to keep something hidden. 

There have been a few times where you almost told him about who raised you, but out of fear, you backed down. He doesn’t know what things were like when your people fell, maybe that’s something the two of you can talk about once you land. He hardly knows a thing about your people, and like you, he can’t be one to form an opinion on a group of people he doesn’t know. You never cast judgment on who raised him. You always asked questions about his beliefs in a respectable manner, and he should have that same common courtesy.

He knows that he should see you as an ‘enemy sorcerer,’ something the Armorer referred to your people as, but he didn’t see that when he was looking at you as you were confessing where you really came from. It wasn’t an easy topic to talk about for you, that’s obvious by how your fingers fumbled with each other as you looked down at the floor in shame, but it’s something you confessed to him, even when you were scared. You didn’t know how he was going to react to the news, thinking he was going to leave you behind. For that, he can’t hold the decision you made against you. There have been so many decisions you both have disagreed on, and this is one of them. He would have preferred if you told him about this sooner, but he can’t hold this against you when it’s clearly haunted you at night. 

“What do you think, kid?” Din asks as he turns around in his seat, to find the child has just woken up from his overdue nap. With one swift movement, the child is secure in the crook of his arms in a matter of seconds. Even when his surroundings are as peaceful as they can get, his mind won’t stop turning a million miles a minute. 

“Why didn’t she tell me…” He mumbles out, mainly to himself. When he glances down at the child wrapped in his arms, the look in the child’s eyes is trying to tell him something that Din can’t seem to decipher. It’s like he’s trying to tell the masked man something important but can’t understand it. 

When a few moments of silence are passed in the hull, another question comes from Din’s mouth, one he almost doesn’t want to know the answer to. “Did you know?”

The only kind of coherent response the child gives is a series of giggles, not knowing the true connotation. Sighing, Din lets his head fall back as he lets his mind wander. 

“Regardless of what has changed your mind about her, I sense she will help you with your journey.”

Even when his mind is going almost nonstop, the words from the Armorer haven't been able to leave his mind- it always has a way of coming back to him. 

The emerging of your two paths had to happen for a reason. 

For whatever the reason may be, Din knows the only person who would be able to help him with his journey is you. He doesn’t know where to begin to even find the people who raised you- it would be damn near impossible if you weren’t by his side. Though you don’t see yourself as a Jedi any longer, you can still aid him in his journey of returning the child back to the Jedi. Maybe you could even help him understand more about the weird powers the child has, or even help the kid gain more control over them. After what he experienced in the cantina on Nevarro, Din finally sees just how powerful the little one really is. He can’t protect him without your help. It will be a long and difficult path, but it’s one he doesn’t want to do without you. 

“Alright kid, let’s go.”

taglist: @unstoppableforcce​ @remmysbounty​ @ayamenimthiriel​ @randomness501​ @itspauvr​ @sarahjkl82-blog​ @mostclevermiss​ @seninjakitey​ @altarsw​ @bookloverfilmoholic​ @welcometothepedroverse​ 

#also sorry to those that got multiple notifs about me uploading and reuploading it #i was trying to get it to pop up in the tags and it wouldnt #so im sorry about that #the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian x you #the mandalorian x female reader #the mandalorian x f!reader #the mandalorian x oc #din djarin x you #din djarin x reader #din djarin x female reader #din djarin x oc #din djarin x f!reader #wopc #my writing

[fangren]

2020 sure was a year for me... started it off sick as hell with what i know now was almost certainly covid-19. got over it just in time for The Pandemic to start actually being A Thing in public consciousness, first false confidence in it mostly being in China, and surely it isn’t a big deal and will all blow over, to the first few (confirmed) cases in the US, to the dams breaking and panic washing over us...

to the world beginning to change, to people complaining and complaining and complaining about being stuck working at home and not knowing what to do with their time while meanwhile me, my coworkers, and countless others found their own jobs busier than ever (and others still found themselves on the brink of disaster...)

(what shutdown? what quarantine? it seemed like damn near half the county was shopping in my store, especially early on. no thought, no protection, bring the whole damn family because why the fuck not?)

the masks and directional markers and cleaning and all the other new rules that people largely didn’t ignore (though they do mostly wear masks now, at least...)

nobody that I knew died, fortunately. lotta people that I liked ended up quitting or otherwise leaving the store, tho. which... sucked, in its own way. I hope they’re doing well for themselves right now.

hell of a backdrop to a hell of a year, tho. a lot more horrible shit happened to a lot of people that weren’t me. most of which i can barely remember, because i’m terrible with that stuff.

(always reblog, never donate. that’s... me.)

but, hey! there were some good things too. the new Animal Crossing game released this year, remember that? (gotta spend the evening with the town...) also the Sword and Shield DLC. plus Among Us suddenly became a thing, which was pretty cool. played some good games of it earlier. also been enjoying a Digimon game, and also Civ 6 recently. all in all a pretty good year for video games as far as I’m concerned.

didn’t, uh, didn’t get to write nearly as much as I wanted to. started a weird fic that nobody wanted, then got sidetracked editing and reposting an older series. until, uh, I got kinda tired of that. so.. haven’t done much since then. so many WIPs, so little time and even less energy.... so that’s a bummer.

didn’t really make any progress with my, like, personal life? i guess? still living alone, closeted, with my shitty parents. still no driver’s license, still in a shitty retail job stocking dairy.

still single. still honestly kinda crushing on that one girl I’ve mentioned before with the two small children. still barely been able to talk to her since we’re usually so damn busy and don’t have much chances to interact.

(still have mixed feelings about the prospect of actually dating her. I don’t hate kids, honestly, i just don’t have the patience/energy/attention span to spend extended periods of time with the young ones. give me someone i can play or chat with briefly before we go our separate ways.)

i don’t think i can blame the pandemic for any of that. i know myself too well. i’d have spun my wheels doing nothing all year even without it, because even an uncomfortable rut is still hard as hell to get out of.

i don’t know where i’m going with this. i don’t think i’m going anywhere. just reflecting on things because im lonely.

awkward transitional phrase also the election! that sure was a thing that happened. it’s probably bad, but i can;t help but think the horrible plague that’s killed thousands also had our back by forcing this country to make voting easier, thus allowing That Shitty Old Bastard to narrowly beat The Orange One. even if, uh, the losing man-baby is throwing a temper tantrum about it that may or may not end in a coup.

also a show i never watched and don’t care about ended! that sure was a fun distraction for a little while, right? right?

um...

but anyway the year has to end, and so does this post. I have no New Year’s Resolution, because I don’t feel like setting myself up to fail again. especially at something so meaningless.

anyway, Fuck Off 2020! and just for good measure, Fuck Off 2021 because you’re probably gonna be shit too.

night all. I hope someone reading this enjoyed themselves at some point tonight.

imma go play animal crossing and try to have fun.

#long post #late night bullshit thoughts from fangren #fangren talks #this was more depressing than i honestly wanted so sorry about that

[your-iron-lung]

No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross 8

AKA ‘Knock Knock Knock’; available to read on A03 HERE

Story Synopsis:  Some weird low-key occult parties start popping up that Steve can’t in good conscience ignore and takes it upon himself to investigate. Billy gets caught up in the consequences of his meddling, and isn’t it funny? For all the strange things the Upside Down has thrown his way, it’s werewolves that Steve has trouble accepting exist.

Chapter Word Count: 7213

Pairings: Eventual Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington

Genre: Supernatural/Drama/Horror-ish

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Next Chapter: 9

Notes: i dedicate this chapter to my boyfriend, who cleaned out the hole in my finger after my moms dog accidentally bit me. told me i needed stitches then slapped a bandaid on it. guess im a werewolf now awowooooooo

"He's doing it again."

There was a bitterness harbored in Nancy's voice that made Steve look up from the abysmal slop he'd been picking through on his food tray. The tenseness with which she squared her jaw made him frown, and he followed her stern gaze to where she held it, directed towards something over his shoulder.

Turning his head to see what she was referring to, Steve felt he already had a pretty good idea about what it was he was going to see, and, true enough, sitting three tables behind them sat Billy Hargrove and a group of his old friends. Instead of taking part in any of the conversations Tommy was trying to start, Billy was steadfastly ignoring him in favor of staring openly at Steve. Suppressing the slightest of shivers, Steve sighed and turned back around to his food with a resigned expression.

"Yep, he sure is," he said dryly. "Nothing I can do about it."

In the two weeks since the attack, Billy had gone through a series of shifts in demeanor when it came to interacting with Steve. When he'd first returned to school, he'd ignored him outright with a stubborn sense of determination, but his dismissal of him quickly flipped and turned into an obsession that was so prominent, people- or Nancy, at least- had begun to take notice. At any given time, if Billy happened to be in any relative proximity to Steve, he wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off of him, and although people had started to talk about it, their words did little to deter him.

Nothing stopped him from staring at Steve, and the attention was beginning to make his skin crawl.

But whatever it was Billy was doing, as long as it didn't get physical, Steve found he couldn't find the energy to care. He was still nursing his wounds, and had to worry about finding a job or something so he could pay his father back for ruining the BMW, and on top of that heap of responsibilities, there was the looming threat of finals, and while he was trying to manage all of those things as best he could, the simple fact that they hadn't yet found the creature that attacked him weighed heavily on his mind.

He had nightmares about it; about it descending from the trees in a heap of vicious limbs that lashed out at him, cutting his flesh to the bone- nightmares where he hadn't acted fast enough to be able to prevent Billy from bleeding out and, and instead had to hold him in his arms while his blood ran out of him, leaving him pale and gasping as the snow turned crimson around them. Hell, he still had nightmares about the fucking demodogs, so if Billy wanted to stare at him, fine. He had more important things to worry about, though he did have to admit that he found Billy's behaviour odd.

Was he staring at him because he realized that Steve had literally saved his life and was now thinking of a way to repay him somehow? He could start by replacing the car seat he'd nearly bled to death in, if that was the case, so he could cross that worry off his list. Or was his interest in Steve fueled by something more sinister, like a desire to seek revenge for belittling him somehow, despite the fact that Steve had done his damnedest to dispel any emasculating rumours that had surfaced after the incident? The last thing he wanted was for their bad blood to start flooding the school's hallways for everyone to slosh around in.

Nancy didn't bother lowering her voice when she spoke, and despite the general ambient tone of conversation that the lunchroom carried, Jonathan overheard what she'd said, and as he came to sit down beside her, setting his brown paper lunch bag onto their table, he looked at her for a confused moment before asking, "Who's doing what?"

He looked curiously between them as he began to unpack his lunch, setting a sandwich and a piece of fruit aside while Steve breathed out another sigh and tried to shrug off the eyes he could feel boring into his back.

"It's Billy," Nancy said when Steve declined to answer. "He's staring at Steve again."

Looking annoyed, Nancy let out a little huff and finally diverted her eyes away from where Billy was sitting to give Jonathan a small smile in greeting. Despite his growing annoyance with the situation, Steve managed to find some amusement in the fact that Nancy was more bothered by Billy's behaviour than he was. It showed she still cared about him somewhat, and that was one of the few good things he felt he had left.

"Why do you think he's been doing that?" Jonathan asked as he unwrapped the plastic surrounding his sandwich. His sunken eyes looked across the lunchroom for a moment to get a look at their subject of conversation before focusing back on his tablemates.

"Who knows with that guy," Steve commented indifferently, shrugging as he stabbed a fork into the meaty portion of his meal. "As long as he stays the fuck away from me, I don't care what he does."

"Even if you don't care, I don't like it." Nancy's eyes flicked briefly back to where Billy was sitting before taking a bite of lunch. Beside her, Johnathan had grown silent, eating his food contemplatively. "It doesn't feel right. It's almost like he's planning some kind of revenge scheme."

"Well you'd think if he was angry with you he'd have done something about it by now," Jonathan said, directing his statement towards Steve as he swallowed down a bite of food. A small smear of mayo streaked across his upper lip. "So far he's shown himself to be the kind of guy who acts immediately on his feelings, you know?"

"Oh, believe me, I know," Steve replied, unable to keep the slow drawl of sarcasm out of his tone, memories of nearly being beaten to death surfacing in his mind. Despite his reluctance to credit Jonathan with a good idea, he knew that he was probably right. If Billy had some sort of beef with him, he'd definitely have taken it up with him before now.

Besides that, whenever Steve noticed him staring and returned the look, he never really thought that Billy looked angry with him. He looked more lost than anything. Confused, even. He never even seemed to realize that Steve was staring back.

"Well if he's not thinking of ways to kill you, then what is he doing?" Using a napkin, Nancy reached out and wiped away the mayo on Jonathan's face, earning a timid smile from him in thanks. "He's been giving you weird looks all week."

"Hadn't noticed," Steve murmured sarcastically.

Nancy didn't appreciate the tone with which Steve spoke, but didn't press the issue beyond giving him a reproachful look. As their conversation died off, they ate in silence, offering Steve a chance to run through a mental list of who was hiring in the area, and what places he could reasonably send in an application, but having no prior experience with working, well, anywhere, left his options sorely limited. The places that would probably hire him were the places he had no desire to work at, but at the end of the day, what was it his dad was always telling him? 'Beggars can't be choosers'.

"The more I think about it," Jonathan said, stirring Steve from his thoughts, "the more I think it looks like he's trying to figure out how to approach you."

"What?" Steve shook his head in a way that he knew made his hair look good and laughed.

"What makes you think that?" Nancy asked.

Jonathan shrugged, looking down when Steve laughed. He picked at the crust on his sandwich as he spoke, peeling bits of brown bread away as he said, "The way he's been staring at Steve kind of reminds me of... me. Like, before I got to know you guys; back when I was on the outside looking in, sort of."

"Jonathan-" Nancy started, a sympathetic look creasing her brow.

The bell that signaled the end of their lunch period rang before anything more could be said. As they stood up and prepared to discard their trays and trash, Steve cast a look back to where Billy had been sitting. The boy was gone, though; lost in the transitional migration crowd as their peers began to make their way back to class.

Even if Steve wanted nothing more to do with him, he couldn't deny the fact that he'd been bonded to him in some regard when they'd both survived the 'bear' attack. If Billy had something to say to him, he'd listen, sure, but Steve wasn't going to be the one to initiate that conversation.

They hadn't even spoken since Steve had last seen him at the hospital, and that particular conversation had been weird enough to the point where he'd decided to give Billy the widest social berth he possibly could.

Whatever Billy wanted to talk about, he'd have to come to Steve first.

Coming back to school hadn't been easy for Steve; his injuries were so incredibly less severe than Billy's that he hadn't needed to take time off, but he wished he'd been allowed to. His writing hand was constantly sore because of all the numerous stitches running up his arm, and with the amount of last minute note taking he'd been doing in preparations for finals, he was half-afraid he was going to pop a few open as a result, but at least returning so soon had given him the opportunity to pretend everything was normal, and the more time that passed that allowed him to think that, the more Steve was inclined to believe that it really had just been a bear.

A mange-ridden, rabid, larger-than-your-average bear, sure, but it was better than the alternative; it was better than the unknown.

Despite his feeble self-assurances that carried him through his school days, he couldn't deny that he held an absurd amount of trepidation when it came to the simple task of opening his locker.

The last thing he wanted was to ruin his fragile psyche by finding more notes stuffed into his locker. But as the days went by and he hadn't yet found another invitation, he allowed himself to grow comfortable in the thought that the whole ordeal was behind him, and would remain as nothing more than another traumatic memory he'd just have to learn to live with.

He could manage that much. Or at least, he hoped he could.

The note that fluttered out of his locker then as he opened it threw his newly reconstructed confidence to the breeze. Steve stared after the offending piece of paper as it fell to the floor, already feeling a slight panic start to build up in his chest. The fear that the note had something to do with the woodland parties blinded him to the fact that this shred of paper was different from the invitations he'd received before.

Printed on fine cardstock that likely would have impressed a businessman like his father with its weight, the note that came fluttering from Steve's locker was the exact opposite of what he feared it was. This was a literal scrap of college-ruled paper, torn from a notebook and folded over itself lazily.

He turned away from the note lying on the floor and closed his locker quickly. He almost walked away without picking it up, and would have, too, if he hadn't caught Billy's eye at that precise moment.

Leaning against a row of lockers further down the hall, Billy was watching him, giving Steve reason to pause. Imperceptibly, Billy broke the stare between them and nodded once to the note Steve had left on the ground. 'Pick it up', he seemed to say.

Steve squinted at him, unsure of what his motives were. Driven by curiosity, he turned back to where he'd left the note and hesitantly bent down to grab it. Relief replaced that slight feeling of panic when he realized that the note wasn't like the invitations he'd received in the past. He turned back to Billy, only to find that he'd moved on. Crinkling the piece of paper in his fist briefly, Steve stepped back to his locker and unfolded the note.

'I need to show you something.

Meet me in the parking lot.'

Despite the fact that it hadn't been signed by anyone, the note had undoubtedly been written by Billy. Anybody else would have just asked to speak with him in person.

Tucking the note into his jeans pocket, Steve sighed miserably as he made his way through the hall, an uneasy feeling about the direction his afternoon was taking settling into his gut.

That feeling was improved upon when he finally stepped outside and saw just how gloomy it was. Wet, half-frozen snowflakes were falling from an overcast sky, creating an uncomfortable slush he had to trudge through to get to the student parking lot. Wind was blowing weakly, occasionally throwing a soggy flurry into his face that he had to wipe away in order to see.

People were peeling out of the lot as quickly as they could, desperate to escape the hideous weather conditions and get somewhere warm. His fingers played with the note in his pocket as he strode through the second-hand mush of winter and made his way to where Billy stood, leaning up against his car feigning nonchalance despite the fact that Steve could see him visibly shivering.

Because of his injury, Billy had taken to wearing his coat half on, half off. The brace that he'd been outfitted with to keep his broken arm in place wouldn't fit in the tight leather sleeve of what must have been his only winter coat. A smarter man would've dressed in layers, Steve thought, and then grinned a little because he himself had dressed in layers. Dress smarter, not harder.

"Wanna tell me what this is about?" he asked as he approached Billy, holding the folded note up for him to see.

"Thought I was being pretty clear when I wrote it."

Billy obviously wasn't in the mood for their typical banter, but Steve wasn't in the mood for being serious. He'd been stewing in serious thoughts all day, and if Billy was going to give him an opening to be an ass, then he was going to take it.

"Well, I mean, this could mean any number of things," he said, opening the note to read it aloud. Billy' looked away with a scowl. "I've only ever gotten notes like these from girls, you know."

"Christ, cut the shit Harrington," Billy said, rolling his eyes. He made to stand up, but was pushed back against the Camaro, a look of surprise overtaking his features as he felt Steve's hand wind itself into his jacket.

"No, you cut the shit, Hargrove!" Steve snapped, his pent-up frustrations boiling over. "You've been staring at me all week like a girl with a crush on me, and now you send me this? What is it you've got to show me? Your fucking dick or some shit? Because believe me pal, I am not interested in whatever kind of fucked up confession this is."

After his outburst, both boys went quiet, each of them stunned into silence after Steve's sudden eruption. Around them, the parking lot was nearly empty, mercifully allowing them a privacy neither of them had thought they'd need to have this conversation.

Realizing he'd had the lapels of Billy's jacket bunched into his hands, he let Billy go and took a step back, running his hand that wasn't wrapped in bandages through his hair.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered to himself, then turned back to Billy, who had yet to say anything. "Well?" Steve snapped. "You got something you need to show me or not?"

A mirthful smile spread across Billy's face when he spoke, a mischievous spark lighting his eye. "Yeah, I do, but it's at my house. Get what I'm saying, Harrington? I'm asking you to come home with me, stud."

Steve stared at him blankly for a moment before breaking away to laugh, sucking in frigid air and snowflakes that melted in his throat. Billy shrugged his jacket back into place, covering his injured arm from the cold.

"You're a real piece of shit, Hargrove," Steve finally said, shaking his head. "Alright, fine. I'll 'come home with you', or whatever, but I swear, if you actually whip your dick out when we get there I'll fucking kill you."

"Relax, asshole, I'm not asking you over for a fucking conjugal visit," Billy drawled, rolling his eyes again. Steve waited for him to elaborate more about what the nature of the visit actually was, but Billy had evidently said all he was going to about the matter.

"You want me to follow you then?" he asked, gesturing towards where his car was parked a few rows over.

"Try to keep up," Billy replied, smirking a little bit as he rounded the front of the Camaro to the driver's side, whereupon he opened the door and slid awkwardly into the seat.

"Don't you have to wait for Max?" Steve asked, speaking loudly as Billy started his car, but he never heard the reply if there was one. Billy began reversing almost immediately, intent on driving out of the lot as fast as he could to make Steve work for it. Breathing out a hasty "Oh, shit," Steve started jogging towards his car so he wouldn't fall too far behind.

Compared to Harrington's house, Billy knew that his own had no way of stacking up against it. Hell, Steve's house had a pool and Billy's didn't even have a second fucking floor. Everyone that lived in Neil Hargrove's house all lived together on the same miserable floor, cramped together by circumstance, and even though Tommy had cast his friendship with Steve aside, that didn't stop him from talking up how awesome the fucking Harrington house was.

It was one of those things he'd had to punch him out for.

All that aside, Billy honestly didn't give a shit about the state of his house; it didn't reflect him or his worth- only his father's, for he had been the one to settle for the shit-heap. Not everyone could be born into their wealth.

Regardless, he averted his eyes away when Steve's eyes wandered up the front of his home, taking stock in its size and the rundown condition it was in after he pulled into the driveway. He didn't comment on the miserable way it sat on its foundation as he stepped out of the car, or of how grimy the windows were as he walked with Billy up the front porch steps, and even stayed quiet when the wooden boards squeaked and groaned with their weight.

As they stepped through the front door, Billy finally had to address the queer feeling he'd been harboring in his stomach as nervousness. Steve looked around their tiny living room, but refrained from saying anything about its size. But oh, how he must have wanted to; Billy could see it written all over his pretty face. The rich fuck wanted to brag about how much better his own house was, he could feel it-

"Nice set up," Steve said instead, gesturing to where Billy had his work-out equipment set out.

Whether he was being sincere or not, Billy couldn't say, but the compliment had done enough to derail his spiraling train of thought.

"Gets the job done," he replied casually, taking his coat off and throwing it over his workout bench.

"I'll say."

"What?"

"You said you had something to show me?" Steve said, frowning a little at the look on Billy's face. "Please don't tell me you took me all the way out here just to fuck with me."

"Who's fucking with who?" Billy said with a hint of a snarl curling his lip. He had to remind himself that he had been the one to initiate this gathering, and had to bite back on some of the anger that had surfaced out of nowhere. Steve didn't say anything in response, allowing Billy time to simmer down enough to point at his TV. "Turn that on."

"You bring me to your house so I can turn your TV on for you?" Steve scoffed, but Billy looked serious. "Fuck you," he said as he stepped across the living room from where he was standing to kneel down and press the power button.

The screen flickered for a moment, struggling to stabilize as the black screen turned grey before sputtering to life, the colour image slowly beginning to materialize on the screen. Steve took a few steps back as he waited for it to come into clarity, not noticing the way Billy had averted his eyes away from the TV. His gaze was, once again, fixed solely on Steve, waiting to catch and gauge his reaction from what he was about to see.

Billy had rented the VHS tape of 'American Werewolf in London' from the store after Max had returned it, intent on showing the creature on the film to Steve, but had been too unsure of how he was meant to accomplish that show him right away. They weren't friends, or even anything remotely close to that, but ever since he'd seen it he'd known he'd have to clue him in on what he'd found out eventually. That, and he had more than just the movie to show him.

As the movie scene that Billy had paused the tape on finally came to light, he felt his injured arm itch, and longed to scratch it.

"What the hell is this," Steve finally said after a moment.

His eyes had grown wide at the sight at the tormented figure of David lying on the floor, face contorted in pain as he was caught in the throes of mid transformation. It was all the affirmation that Billy needed to know that he'd been right.

"Look familiar?" Billy asked, running his tongue along his teeth.

Steve stared at the creature for a second longer before shaking his head. When he turned to Billy, his face no longer looked frightened, but angry.

"No, really, what the fuck is that?" His tone was accusatory, and he was speaking so loudly he might as well have been yelling. "If this is your idea of some kinda fucking joke-"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Billy snapped back, brow creasing as Steve went into denial. "I figured it out, asshole! The thing that got us in the woods- that thing that nearly ripped my fucking arm off- that's it! Right there on that fucking screen!"

Steve turned away from him to stare at the screen again, eyes running over the details presented to him. It did look remarkably like the creature he'd grown content to believe was a bear: the sparse patches of hair, the elongated canine jaw, and the harrowingly thin frame that carried it all left little to no doubt in his mind that this was it. Whatever 'it' was.

"How did you-" His throat had gone dry with the realization. Steve had to wet his lips before he could speak again. "How did you find this?"

Billy looked at him contemplatively, as one might watch a dog that has tried to bite them in the past but still wanted to pet it. "The rental place by the arcade. It's a movie; Max was watching it."

"A movie?" Steve balked. "So you're saying we were assaulted by a movie monster?"

"A werewolf," Billy said decisively.

The unease Steve had felt building up inside him seemed to vanish in an instant. His body wanted to shake with relief, but he wouldn't let it.

"Holy shit," he said, combing a hand through his hair, stifling a nervous laugh. He took a few steps to the side, pacing in front of the TV. "This is unbelievable."

Billy regarded his shift in demeanor calmly, but with a frown. He reached into the back pocket of his pants and grabbed his pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, setting it to his lips and then lighting it.

"I mean, do you hear yourself? A werewolf? C'mon, man," Steve continued, finally coming to a stop in front of Billy. He shook his head and uttered out another short laugh. "I really thought you were onto something here for a minute, you know? Werewolves aren't real. What did you expect me to do after showing me this? You want me to call Hopper up? Tell him that what he's been looking for all this time is a goddamn movie monster?!"

"Well what's your theory then?" Billy finally replied, sneering around his cigarette, his anger smoldering beneath his skin like the burning end of his cigarette. "If it looks like a werewolf, acts like a werewolf, then fuck, what the hell else could it be?!"

"A bear!" Steve shouted, throwing his arms up in frustration. "Werewolves don't exist, dipshit!"

"Then how do you explain my arm?!" Billy hollered, throwing his cigarette to the floor. He stomped it out angrily before he lifted his injured arm up, struggling to pull the sling up and over his head. Alarmed at the action, Steve stepped in to try and stop him but was roughly shoved away. "If it's not some kind of supernatural piece of shit, then how do you explain your hand?" he hissed, throwing the sling to the floor beside the crumpled filter of his wasted cigarette.

"What about my hand?" Steve asked, speaking levelly as he watched Billy's fingers fumble with the brace, managing to all but tear it free from his arm to drop it to the ground alongside the sling. "Are you fucking insane, Hargrove? What the hell are you doing, man, your arm-"

"My arm is fine."

Billy spoke curtly, practically cutting his own sentence short in his haste to show off what he meant. He peeled the bandages that had been wrapped around his arm away with hasty, scratching motions, and then held his arm up for Steve to see it. Where there should have been sections of stripped off flesh and bruises marking where his arm had been broken, there was instead… nothing. Astonished, Steve saw that there was not a single scratch left on his tanned skin. The mutilation he'd endured was gone.

As if that wasn't evidence enough to prove something supernatural was behind his miraculous recovery, Billy stepped towards his workout station and grabbed up one of his heaviest hand weights. Without so much as a grunt of effort or slight whine of pain, he curled it effortlessly in his arm, ultimately proving that his bones were no longer broken. Steve watched his display with wide eyes, mouth dropping open in confusion, because he'd known for a fact that Billy's injuries had been substantially worse than his own, and to see that his arm was totally healed now was baffling. His own arm still had all of the stitches in it, and throbbed painfully sometimes when he wrote with it for too long.

"Your arm was broken-" he stuttered, unable to fully put words behind his thoughts.

"Yeah. In three places," Billy said morosely, as though he were upset by the fact that it now seemed to be intact and unbroken.

"But then… What the fuck…" Steve whispered, reaching out to touch Billy's bicep to feel for himself if what he was seeing was true. The contact was short lived, as Billy immediately flinched away from his touch with a disgusted look plastered all over his face.

"My hand," Steve said flatly, pulling away without a fuss. "You keep saying it's all fucked up, but I don't see it. What the hell's so wrong with it?"

"No one else sees it- not just you; I've been watching people talk to you like it's normal all goddamn week."

"Tell me what you see, then."

Steve waited patiently, giving Billy enough time to put his thoughts in order. He'd been riled up before, and looked to be struggling with how to best describe what it was he was seeing that no one else could, his eyes focused entirely on Steve's hand.

"It looks diseased," Billy finally said after a moment. "There're these… puncture marks in it that just- look infected."

"Infected," Steve repeated, looking over his hand curiously, turning it forward and back. To him, it still looked fine.

"And it smells, too, like... " Billy sniffed and then immediately wrinkled his nose in disgust. "It smells like the air did that night. Rotten."

"It didn't bite me, though," Steve said, frowning. "My hand wasn't hurt at all."

"No," Billy said quietly. "It didn't, but whatever you saw at that bonfire did."

A chill made the small hairs on his body stand upright as Steve was forced to remember the disembodied wolfs head, picturing it in his mind with vivid clarity. He remembered its teeth sinking into his flesh, poking holes into his skin that had vanished the instant he'd thrown it away in shock. No one had believed him then, but the look on Billy's face said he was willing to believe him now, but Steve wasn't sure if he himself actually believed it anymore.

Along with his willingness to write the creature they'd encountered in the woods off as a bear, Steve had written off his experience with the wolf head as just a bad trip, and now Billy was trying to turn it into something else, forcing him to re-examine the trauma as though it was something that had actually happened.

"You can see where it bit me?" Steve asked, speaking slowly and with an air of trepidation. "And you're saying that, what, it's infected now?"

Billy didn't reply right away. There was a strange look on his face as he studied Steve for a moment, his eyes trained on the hand he claimed was injured.

"I wanna try something," he said at last, stepping past Steve and into the narrow hallway that lead to the other rooms tucked away in his house.

Steve followed after him, glancing once back at the image displayed on the screen, wondering if perhaps the idea of a werewolf existing in Hawkins wasn't as far-fetched as he initially thought it was. Walking down the short hallway to where Billy had slipped into the bathroom he shared with Max, Steve took a glance into what could have only been Billy's bedroom.

Beyond it being small, (much, much smaller than even the guest bedroom in his own home), it looked just like what a person might think Billy Hargrove's bedroom would look like. Hot women, a vanity station, and a stereo to blare his music was all a man like Billy could ever need.

"Here," Billy said, stealing Steve's attention away. "Let me see your hand."

"What? Why?" Steve asked hesitantly, holding his hand warily away from where Billy was holding out his own to take it.

"What are you, a fucking child? Just give it here," Billy said impatiently.

Groaning mentally, Steve relinquished his hand. Billy gripped him tightly around the wrist, pulling a face as he drew his hand closer towards him.

"What're you doing-"

"Just hold still."

With his other hand, Billy held a clean ball of cotton and slowly moved it towards Steve's hand, his face pinching up in disgust as he finally rubbed the ball against his skin.

"That hurt you any?" Billy asked as he released his grip over Steve's hand, switching his focus from Steve's skin to the cotton ball he'd just swabbed over it.

"N...no?"

Billy grunted lowly, furrowing his brows as he held the cotton ball up for Steve to see it. "What about this? See anything on this?"

And to his horror, Steve found that he could.

The little ball of cotton had been clean when Billy plucked it out of the package. Steve had seen that, and yet, as he stared at the gruesome mixture of pus and blood on the side Billy had used as a swab, he couldn't help but think for just a second that perhaps it had come like that. No way had that awful mixture actually come from him. The fibers of the ball were stained yellow and bright red, indicating that whatever it was that Billy was able to see on his hand was an open wound. A gruesome, open wound.

"What the hell?" he uttered, mortified by the sight of the cotton ball. He rubbed his hand over the patch of skin Billy had swabbed, but nothing came up on his fingers when he pulled them away. He ignored the way his hands had begun to shake as he inspected the back of his hand uncomprehendingly.

"You see this," Billy said, gesturing to the stained cotton ball, "but you still can't see it on you?" Steve didn't bother replying. "Fuck. Fine, alright, let me see it again."

"Why?" Steve asked, looking over his hands again and again, trying desperately to see what Billy saw and could, evidently, interact with.

"Gotta clean it out." Steve paused with his examination and looked up at Billy who'd gone back to rifling through the things he kept stored behind the sink mirror, sure he'd misheard him. When Billy caught the look of disbelief in Steve's eye he paused, placing a bottle of antiseptic on the rim of the sink. "I know you can't smell it, but I can and it fucking stinks. I can't fucking stand it anymore. If I clean it out, maybe it'll be less, I dunno, putrid."

"I mean, maybe?" Steve could admit that he had no idea if it would make a difference or not, but Billy's logic was sound. "If it'll get you to stop staring at me, have at it, I guess."

Even though Steve knew from experience that nothing Billy did to the wound would physically hurt him, he found himself recoiling out of habit when he poured the antiseptic over the back of his hand. Billy arched a brow at the reaction, but held Steve's hand firmly over the sink as the liquid flowed over his skin. It didn't run off clear.

The tainted antiseptic left murky, bloody streaks that trailed into the basin of the sink as it found its way to the drain. As the bodily fluids left whatever invisible plane they existed on, Steve thought he could catch a faint whiff of whatever smell Billy had been complaining about. A scent of what could have been construed as rotting flesh or a dead animal had begun to take up the small space of the bathroom they stood in, causing him to grimace as Billy began to clean out the wound in earnest. He would have said something witty about how focused Billy appeared to be, using q-tips and cotton swabs to clean out the hidden wound, if not for the strange situation they had both found themselves in.

Instead he watched him quietly, and found himself admiring the way Billy became lost with what he was doing when he decided to really put his mind into behind his work. It was a side of him that Steve had never seen before, and against his better judgement, he found the way Billy furrowed his brow in a way that it wrinkled his forehead kind of... endearing. When he wasn't full of adrenaline and anger, Billy almost came across as personable.

Almost.

"Now who's staring at who?" Steve heard Billy drawl, and he had to blink a few times to draw himself out of his semi-trance.

"Please, don't flatter yourself; I wasn't staring at you," he replied defensively, watching as Billy turned his hand from side to side to make sure he'd gotten all the gunk out of the puncture wounds only he could see. "I was clearly mesmerized by all this shit coming out of my hand."

Billy scoffed, but let the issue drop. Instead of offering up a retort, he said, "You probably need stitches."

This time Steve did yank his hand away from him, pulling it away so quickly it thumped into his chest with a dull thud.

"What the hell Harrington-"

"I am not about to let you put stitches into the imaginary holes in my hand!" He didn't mean to sound so whiny about it, but he couldn't help the way his voice lilted in distress.

"I didn't say I was going to," Billy snapped, his calm demeanor turning into irritation. He cast away the soiled materials he'd been working with in the small bathroom trash can and pushed past Steve into the hallway. "I only said that you probably needed them."

"Yeah, well, what the hell do you know," Steve said, following after him.

Steve continued to hold his hand against his chest as Billy moved into his bedroom. He stepped into the doorway and watched as he made his way to the small, self-constructed vanity and began to rifle through a box of his belongings. Unsure of what it was Billy was looking for, Steve took the time to gaze around his room, eyeing up whatever he could and mentally storing away things he could use to discredit him in future arguments.

"Here," Billy said after a moment, pulling out what looked like a small, self-made first aid kit out of a hidden box. "Gimme your hand again."

"What for?" Steve asked, eyeing the box warily.

"To fucking amputate it, idiot; just give it here." Billy held out his hand expectantly, and rather reluctantly, Steve once again trusted him with the care of his hand.

In the small, inconspicuous first aid kit was an assortment of bandages, gauze, and adhesive tape. Steve didn't ask why he had it; only watched quietly as Billy took out a box of butterfly bandages and began applying them to where the holes in the back of his hand must have been. It looked odd to Steve to see his perfectly fine skin get bunched up underneath the thin, white bandages, but if this was what it took to get rid of the mark (and he was sure, suddenly that it was a marking of sorts), then he'd allow it.

"God, that's gross," Billy mumbled, scrunching his face up before wrapping Steve's hand in the medical tape until the bandages were covered and hidden.

"Gee, thanks," Steve said, examining Billy's handiwork when he was done. He hated to admit it, but he'd done a pretty good job dressing his hand for him.

They stood in the door-frame of Billy's bedroom for a long moment afterwards, neither one of them speaking. The weight of their discovery weighed heavily on each of their minds as they individually wondered about what they ought to do with the information going forward.

"So, I guess I'll tell Hopper-"

"We need to talk about-"

Steve laughed when they spoke at the same time, but Billy only scowled.

"Get the hell out of my room," he said crossly, pushing Steve out of the doorway and into the hall. "I need to show you the rest of that fucking movie."

Steve didn't like the movie. He'd never been a fan of the horror genre- couldn't understand why anyone would be, really-, but the werewolf movie Billy was forcing him to sit through was so violent it was beginning to make his stomach turn.

Worse than the violence, though, was that he had to watch a large portion of the film alone. Not that he was scared to watch it alone, but he definitely would've preferred not to have to watch it by himself in a stranger home. In order to keep up appearances, Billy had left him to re-dress his arm once he'd rewound the movie to a suitable starting point. Steve understood that he couldn't just walk around town with his arm the way it was, but even still, he didn't appreciate having to sit through the horrific movie alone at his insistence.

"Why the hell did you make me watch that," Steve complained once the movie had ended.

Billy had come in around the halfway mark, his arm freshly bandaged and back in its sling. He'd caught Steve cowering on the couch, watching the gorey parts behind the selective censorship of his fingers, and of course he'd laughed at him. He'd taken a seat on his workout bench, leaning against the dumbbell supports and laughed at him for a good five minutes, but at least that instant of humiliation had taken the edge off of the worst of it. Steve had been able to watch the rest of the movie without issue, but he knew he was never going to be able to live that down.

Now that the movie was over, Billy didn't look quite as amused anymore. He was watching the end credits slowly scroll up the screen with a somber, dissociated look. Unsure if he'd heard him or not, Steve was about to repeat himself when Billy finally spoke.

"To make sure you understood what's coming." Confused, Steve could only look at him uncomprehendingly. With a groan, Billy sat up from his hunched over position and turned his eyes away from the screen. "I guess you didn't get to being the 'King' of the hick capital of the world by being smart. Did you pay attention to the movie at all?

"It was a werewolf, Harrington; even you can't deny that now, and you saw what happened to that guy who got bit by one, or did you miss that while you were watching the movie through your fingers?"

"Shut the fuck up," Steve muttered in embarrassment. "It was one part; I watched every other second of the damn movie!"

"Then work it out for me, pretty boy; exercise that tiny little brain of yours for once and show me you're better than all the rest of these inbred Hawkins idiots."

Steve opened his mouth to argue, but saw that Billy wasn't actually trying to initiate an argument. Instead, he was trying to reason with him. He hadn't forced him to watch the movie for his own entertainment, but was instead trying to show him something. There was something obvious Steve was failing to see here, and Billy was trying to open his eyes to it.

Mentally, he recounted everything he could that related to their situation. The bonfire, the attack, the recovery, his conversations earlier that day, the bite on his hand-

The bite.

"It- it didn't bite me," Steve finally said, his eyes going wide in realization as he recalled the conversation they'd shared not two hours ago. Billy's face lit up as Steve's succumbed to the horror the movie had exposed him to. "It didn't bite me, it bit you, so then, you- that makes you-"

Billy grinned at him sardonically, revealing his teeth.

"Guess I really am a monster now."

#harringrove #harringrove fic #billy hargrove/steve harrington #billy hargrove #steve harrington #werewolf!billy #slow burn #long fic #stranger things #stranger things fic

[nofeelingsandallthefeelings]

period orrr

march 18, 2018

big apple, lil shuco

I am experiencing tremendous moods on this period. It is so hard to distinguish if they are real of if they are just maximized due to mother nature. Today i have felt nothing but sadness and a strong desire to give up and call it a day. I definitely snowball my feelings and its for good reason, i feel in the same place from last, having to hide what I actually feel in fears of being criticized and minimized. All i want to be is acknowledged, I don’t need to be right or wrong just simply acknowledged that i have feelings and emotions. I also realized that it doesnt feel right. It doesnt feel right that I am constantly inventing plan b in my head because I feel the ground under me can be swept up at any moment. I dont feel secure in any aspects of this relationship, i dont feel emotionally secure or financially secure, here are a few examples of plan b (while we are at it)

-b) keep pennies ready to find sublet in ny for the summer, put deposit down, land job, land nu nu PAID internship, begin marketing self and finding new marks. be frugal, save stack, and get ready for a rough and new patch. 

-b) break up and change phone number and procede w plan b numero uno

-c) dont go to la and dont talk to him for the rest of my life and change number

-b) stay in ny, i think is an accurate portrayal of plan b, there is more opportunity here and distraction than nashville could ever give. I understand that i coudlnt run away from the consequences of my feelings and that could make it a tough transition into a new life in a new city. 

whatever. anyways im feeling like I want out and through and through its becoming clear to me he isnt the one for me and hes also not exactly what I want for myself or for life. I guess i have been misleading myself into beleiving what society wants me to beleve and primarily what s wants me to believe, that love is love and love is this and it is that, and it is the most highest, most purest concept, and that bc i am a girl, i want love and bc of that when someone says they love me or claim theyre actions reflect love, i must adhere and adopt this conept as my own. and unfortunately, i never wanted love, i dont care for it, i want coins- not love. I dont feel anything when it comes to love, i merely understand it as a concept, and to my understanding again, its like a trap. Romantic Love equals too many things to be adopted in as my own, it means being selfless, it means sacrificing, it means constantly compromising, it means talking to someone about a decision (permission), it means settling for what is given. 

I am not down, I really am not. Everything provided for me I am thankful for but tbh i dont need shawn to pay my bills or get my pennies up, but I guess he needs me so he doest feel so lonely or miserable about his existence. In a way, he is a dull star merely shining from light years away, while I am a cosmo twinkling as bright as the sun throughout the vast depths of the solar system .. but i am getting drained of my shine and i dont like it. 

i can work but not under these circumstances, and i know people are critics of wanting the perfect circumstances as being unrealistic or unfeasible to my generation or age, but when else will anything be at an arms length. It is feasible and realistic bc i work for it and believe it can happen. 

 and people say relationships aren't easy but worth it? WHERE SWAY and how and for why for the sake of a societal institution called love, for prison? In this expose it has been exposed I might be emotionally under developed or quiete the opposite, emotionally over developed. 

i daydream about cheating, i think about just moving on and changing my phone number. I think confrontation is obviously the biggest challenge i have here. but in a weird and oposing twist of events, i have mislead myself into believing i have morals and righteous character by not allowing myself to cheat, but the truth is i care bc it would make me look like a salty bitch trying to get back at someone, or thats how i would look to myself i guess. 

I am just over it, i am beigging to have little tolerance for this and no longer want to be in this no matter if it means going to europe or traveling bc i can do that my damn self. ookay/ also I am a hoe at heart, i like flirting with guys and getting to see what they can do for me, i also like being out and about on the scene, i like being a whore and working for my money, i like being in the company of older wealtheir folk, i like the surroundings, i like learning, and i dont like being all that stable, i like having friends. I like being a smart thot, i like being that bitch, beauty n brains and thats that. 

in light of these thoughts, here are some of the most annoying things this week: 

- “young hot girls”,whatever right? yeah except it really does bother me,why bc of the circumstances we met in its almost like being disrespectful of me or our progress and reminding me that i am replaceable. putting himself on a pedestal of desire, thats cool expect we are trying to get past that and it seems he is ever so obsessed with these stories, and the mere idea that this is him inflates his ego. its just greasy n disrespectful. you dont here me constantly talking about wealthy old men and they this and they that. my disgust turns into anger and the anger turns into a sort of vengeance, i imagine myself being a hoe again and going out taking advantage of men in turn stacking bands and exploiting the young hot girl phenomena but not with him, bc hes gross. 

-my way or no way. Pouty pout pout. how fucking old are we, I think i am constantly taking care of people in very twisted ways. Literally he has been acting like a teen age boy, emotionally underdeveloped from years ago, he can throw temper tantrums about this or that and i listen, i look to see what i do wrong and i change..maybe not all the time but for the most part, i havent asked for anything since our conversation and i also havent brought up or complained about any sort of travel. I must be the perfect stepford gf and never complain about anything..noo i must only be thankful and grateful that somehow in nashville this godly man was given to me and i must take care of him and obey him for another man will never come my way and omg they will NEVER EVER provide for me like he does and omg they will never ever ever evr care for me, and I will always just be a hole to men, so i must keep this one happy and i am lost without him, i dont do well on my own. I must have the direction of this omg man that was sent down from the heavens, a once in a lifetime chance at anything and this is the pinnacle of my life and omg HAAA. right. 

-not being listened to. I dont know wht the hell i have to do around here to be fucking acknowledged as a whole ass human, cool you keep me fed or clothed but not really actually now that i think about it. i cant compalin about shit without being made feel like shit. I cant get a fucking word in without being argued against, i can barely get through half an idea before i start hearing why my logic is wrong. if i was to express that i am utterly disrepected and disgusted when he mentions the phrase young hot girls, im deemed irrational, jelouse and that its just a joke, that i am too sensitive and take things too personally, that its not real until i hear it again. im just taken for a joke in this relationship its liek i dont really even exist and for what? for what? for fun trips that i only get to enjoy with this person i dislike, for a few coins in the bank? I can do all of this shit by my self, i can! If something doesnt give I am out, i no longer have the energy to be carried around only to be unacknowlded and barked at. and of course, if he was to read this it would be a “false narrative I invented“ 

men r so predictable

anywyas im gonna write my paper now.

#dummies outchea longhairdontcare

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE

#selfhelp #depression #anxiety #stress #comparing #addiction #social media #i wanna get better

[xxxnate-clifford-blog]

was that ( c. evans )? no, it’s just ( nathaniel “nate” clifford). they are the (27-238 ) year old ( vampire ). i heard they’re (outgoing and easy-going  ) but also ( flirtatious and happy-go-lucky). rumor has it they ( haven’t ) pledged allegiance to the hollow. i must warn you, neutrality is not an option. ⚜  Hihi dear peeps, A here again with a new character & i would love to plot with anyone interested in forming connections or all kinds of plots with Nate here ;)  ⚜   Just like this post if interested and i’ll im you <3    

soooo he is amara’s ex-husband and father of August. Since he is from ancient greece like Amara, Silas and the others, his name ofc isn’t actually Nate Clifford, as he has recently adopted that in the 21st century in order to blend in with the times. His real name is Aegeus.

Life in Ancient Greece, some time in the 1st century BC, as a normal human:

So far, Andrea and I have plotted that he and amara married out of love and it was not an arranged marriage, tho i think their union was probably approved by both their families considering that they didn’t elope and that most marriages were usually arranged by the families at that time, and theirs waren’t. She was 14 and he 24 when they got married, big age gap i know, but then again it was very, very common during those times to even marry someone 30 years older ryt? XD But anyway, he and Amara fell really fast and headlong in love with each other.

 So far i have it in my head that he was a nice, independent, had pretty smart brains, determined, decent & very well-mannered, kind, brave and quite the dutiful son to his parents. He was also rather proud ( not really much in the negative way but more in the sense that he valued honor and respect a lot, takes pride in keeping his dignity, face, name and family name as well as family honor upright. he can also be brash at certain decisions.

He and Amara had a very loving, happy and faithful marriage which was why August was born with so much love and adoration from both his parents quite soon after their union. Poor man didn’t get to be with his son for long tho, as about a year after August was born, he got sent way/ joined the war (I have to clear this detail with Andrea first tho before 100% confirming it as part of his story;D haha)

Life after Ancient Greece and as a vampire:

Okie so he died at war, when he was 27, unfortunately leaving behind a widowed Amara and baby toddler August :( In the year of 1811, he was suddenly resurrected back to life as a human by a witch in London, who was hungrily trying to see if she could create a resurrection spell and he was one of the 3 ppl that she successfully brought back to life and which she randomly chose from very diff past centuries. Her spell however, wasn’t fully successful in the end, as 2 out of the 3 people she brought back to life, died after only a week. And hence, amara’s ex-husband was also about to die very soon and so the witch, desperate to ensure the survival of at least one of her ‘magical science lab-rats/ pet projects’, she then asked a vampire friend of hers to help turn him into a vampire so as to make sure that he live. He was very weak as a resurrected human at that time and barely conscious most of the time and not really aware of what was happening to him. So it was only after he had transitioned into a vampire, only did he fully wake up, was conscious and brimming back to health, full of life. Brains working, senses alert and everything, he was thus told abt what they both did to him and he then ultimately remembered who he was, his whole identity and former life as a human with Amara in the ancient times. He was thus grief-stricken and devastated to know that he was know alive in a completely diff era and Amara and his whole family was obvs. long dead for more than a thousand centuries already. Since he was now a vamp and knowing that he would then have to live for an infinite number of years without his family and friends from the past, he then seeked help & bumped into a kind-hearted witch whom he begged her to help him. Now this 2nd witch also happens to be one of Xandria’s ancestors in the past btw :)P He requested her to help him take away  all of his memories of being alive in ancient times, basically his whole former life as a human & most especially of having a wife and child, as it pained him too much & it was too suffering for him to think about both of them especially.  And Xandria’s London ancestor at that time, determined to keep her promise to him to help relieve him of his painful memories of the past, then spun him a new life story lie, after she had removed his real past memories and told him a simple story of him ‘being born and raised in that current 18th century and that his family members were dead already and he himself had been in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and was caught in a crossfire sword&gun fight between a group of people , leading to his untimely death. As he was almost dying, he was then revived by a passing vampire who took pity on the man having to die so young’, the very same vampire who had turned him earlier in the first place & who happened to be Xandria’s ancestor’s lover! ( thus as y’all can see that besides wanting to be kind to the poor lad, she also wanted to protect her lover’s butt and not having Aegeus come after him for revenge of having turned him into a vampire against his will. She also kept a few secret diaries during her lifetime, so she did also write in the whole account of everything that had happened and what she did, in one of those diaries, which is now in Xandria’s collection of diaries, which Xandria had dug up among many others of her ancestors,  over the passing years and compiled into her own keeping for knowledge. ( about half of the women and some of the men in Xandria’s family tree of ancestors, including Xandria herself, kept diaries lmaoXD)

She and her vampire lover then helped him to adapt to both living as a supernatural while still perfectly appearing as a ‘normal human’ in the 18th century and after her death, said vampire also helped him for  a little while longer on how to change his culture of living based on whichever time period he was in and how to blend in and quickly adapt to each passing of period of change in the human society. As he still had a few traits from his former life, he was a quick learner, and grew to be very independent and bold & by some miracle, seemed to have a strong sense of business acumen. Thus for the past 2 centuries, he had worked very hard from the bottom to the top of society and eventually dabbled in many, various enterprises and business deals over his 211 years of living as a vampire.

Hence, he has by now accumulated a great amount of wealth and he also has changed his identity and name over the years to appear as a perfectly normal 27 year old ‘human’ and traveled widely to many diff places. He came to the States  after WW2, and has been living in many diff places all around US until now.

He has come to NOLA largely because he wants to oversee the starting operations of a new branch of one of his businesses there and isn’t really bothered nor cares about whatever is brewing in NOLA right now. He also had this very tiny , weird feeling in him some weeks back, that seemed to be calling him to NOLA, that tiny subconscious gut feeling that is kinda giving him a hint that it is imperative that he be in NOLA rn. But he had then quickly brushed off this feeling shortly after he felt it as nothing much to it and dismiss the small unknown hint. He’s just there to attend to his affairs, have a fun time, enjoying himself as much as possible in this vibrant city and then leave.  His personality currently is of a v flirtatious, fun and easy-going person with a happy-go-lucky , v carefree personality, & also with an enterprising business mind on the side . He’s also a non-committal person and enjoys his bachelorhood way too much to settle down anytime soon, hahaXD. He is also very friendly and likes to dwell on the positive instead of the negative.

#macabre:intro #bio #plotting call? #;)

[vee-blackwell]

i got a bout of depression that hit tonight from not being distracted enough to avoid getting in my own head and i think i had too many bad thoughts about who i am VS family acceptance

my queer things, my interest things, my (lack of) set goals.

it hurt a lot to try and explain transgender things to my gramma while watching I Am Jazz, when talking about nonbinary people using “they/them” pronouns, she essentially said that if you dont use he/him or she/her then you have no gender “so you’re just nothing” which was just too close to home (literally) for me to hear as someone who doesnt feel anywhere close to any definition of gender, and am definitely not enough % to feel comfortable going on the male side of the binary.

that’s the hard part of that. it seems like it would be easier to tell her i’m bisexual or something (another term that doesnt really match me, but explaining asexuality or the differences between pansexual and bisexual self-identities is another thing thats hard to do with an 86 year old woman). but then what if it changes how she asks me about anyone i hang out with or makes weird assumptions about my relationships?

but at the same time, in watching this show with her, where she’s trying her best to be open-minded and learn about transgender people via watching I Am Jazz, she starts asking me to explain things in the show. not in a negative way, again, shes trying to understand which is more than i could hope for other 80+ year old grandparents. but then she asks me how i know so much about transgender people and issues they face when its things she doesnt expect people i know in real life, close to me, to have dealt with yet. and i have to play the “Educated Ally” instead of the “Depressed, Closeted Transperson” and hope she doesnt go from asking about my friends that are out to wondering about me. because it just makes me fearful of being in another time period of living in an abusive and unsupportive / negligent household where i never feel safe and im constantly arguing with my family. and i dont need that, or even to feel like im risking getting to that point again

i at least want to feel like i wouldnt be kicked out of the house and become homeless, or stop getting money from my family if i came out at all... but how many other transpeople had the same thoughts and were totally wrong? my mom who watched some of the show with us today almost immediately misgendered one of the transgirls on the show, talking about how **she (i dont want to misgender even by quoting my mom) clearly didnt have hormone blockers as long as Jazz because **her voice had changed. and it’s like, alright, she uses a feminine name, looks like any other normal high school girl, and has been working to try and get her voice to pass better, and it’s still so easy for ignorant people like my mom to pick up on that one thing they feel doesn’t fit right and just misgender someone immediately. and it’s worrisome. because i know how easy it is for “the average adult” around my mom’s age to miss the point entirely on how someone works to transition and making their own personal choices

...

im just queer and tired and fearful. my mind screaming at me “do SOMEthing” every time i wake up is like the echo of a broken record player that’s playing somewhere i can barely hear it. so i do something. i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions.

i get bored of the phone game, the magickarp jump cooldown timers are all that’s left.

i get bored of harvest moon, after realizing that i was 1 floor away from the bottom of the mines last time i get frustrated. do i go back for it again and make the long boring trek, or do i go back to grinding cooking recipes so i can finally make that god damn tempura meal? each day passes as quickly or as stagnantly as i please thanks to my emulator. freeze time and do my daily farm chores, use the inventory item dupe glitch to keep stocked every gift item i need to give everyone, show everyone on the local islands my pets for bonus friendship points, unfreeze time so that the one fisherman character will finally show up to talk to and i give him his daily gift and show him my dog, i go fishing with frozen or unfrozen time as i choose. the day is done. time for the next one.

i get bored of the computer games that both tantalize me into playing them because i love them and want the mental stimulation, yet the other screens beckon to me stronger, and i sit on the 3 blue hellsites, toggling between them in mixed intervals.

i get bored of neopets, because it is after midnight and its the 3rd day in the row i forgot to do my dailies. god DAMMIT i’m never going to get trudy’s shitty 30 day bonus spin for those 100k neopoints if i keep this up. i go onto the help boards, and bump up the lottery board. copy and paste my old post, add the moneybag emoticon and congrats the winners. short list gives the UNs. long list gets generalized. the regular group of lottery players and bumpers congratulate and recognize each other, making the odd chat message about their lives. this is as far as i chat on the neoboards now because i have no social energy otherwise to talk to other neopets friends about how life is still depressing, and trying to speak around the child filters and character limits.

i go to my mom’s room, its hard to predict if she’ll be home at 5 pm or 8 pm or 11 pm or gone to her shitty boyfriend’s house. it had been GTA V. then crash bandicoot warped (ps3 port). and now skyrim with the DLC. i play it as i spend my life, there are markers telling me where i should go for quests to progress, yet i wander aimless around the world finding something more interesting to explore until i finally remember what i meant to do. my mom comes home, and i ask if she wants me to get out so she can sleep. she says its fine, and leaves the lamp on shining on her bed. it becomes after midnight, my gramma scolds me for staying in there when my mom is sleeping. while i agree, my hyperfocus is hard to break, and it still takes me more time than it should to simply save and quit in the middle of my doing nothing of importance in the game that i play for the middle of my doing nothing of important in my life.

i eat wherever i spend my activity. TV tray by my bed at all times now, my propel bottle sways like a top heavy asshole everytime its moved. the tissue box takes up space for food, but everytime i move it on my bed its either in the way or not close enough to use when i need it. my nose is still almost ready to bleed from the dry summer air. im still dehydrated because i lack the ability to remember to drink the juice, milk, or propel bottles within arms reach.

it’s 3 am, or probably later. i ask joey if it’s time to sleep. i take my melatonin, we both brush our teeth and say goodnight. am i lying to him again this night, and apologizing and saying i’ll do it for real? this could happen twice before the guilt takes over and i either cave and do it for real, or stay awake focused on my daily nothingness distractions.

on the days its 5 am or later, my mom wakes for work. we talk about the cat. we always talk about the cat. sometimes she says her work is shit and that shes in pain. things that are obvious. she leaves for work and says goodnight to me in the hopes i go to sleep soon.

i sleep. around 11 am to 1 pm is around the time i get woken for my medications. anxiety, depression, birth control pill (1 daily for 3 weeks at a time). i have to eat and drink with it, so its something simple. on bad days i fall back asleep for over an hour. like a sloth, i drag the tray of food to me, resting the plate or bowl on my bed to eat as i stay laying down. sitting up means i feel more obligated to stay awake after this. i finish the food, drink, and my pills, and shove the tray back against my closet, and lie back down in bed forcing myself to sleep.

it becomes anywhere from 3 pm to 5 pm, on bad days its 6 and later. i lay in bed after waking up maybe two or three other times from sweating, or tossing and turning with bad dreams or being awake enough that i could get up, but unmotivated or too depressed to get up and have to be awake for that much more time. i crawl to the computer first, turning off my nightly music and going online on steam. just so whoever cares knows im awake. i go adjust the thermostat as both i need as well as what wont freeze my gramma to death (or at least to complaining for hours). i say that i dont know what i want for food. she offers a suggestion, and i say sure. i return to my room until food is brought to me, and i grab juice or milk to have with my meal. it probably gets cold if it was meant to be eaten hot.

i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions. the pattern repeats.

...

this has been Vee Life Simulator. sorry. no refunds.

#vee's pathetic little life #i'm too tired to tag much #it's just depression talk so #you know. avoid it if you want #long post #text heavy