#im going theough a thing this week

[upthewitchypunx]

You know that advice in the beginning of Brainscan 34 a Dabblers week of DIY witchery? Ya, I'm taking my own advice. I've needed a deep clean for years. I found 3 bottles of our first plum wine and 2 mostly empty packs of clove cigarettes. One is at least a decade old and bought in sadness for summer smokes on my roof, the other at least 5 years and bought late night downtown after a pizza date with my favorite witchbrarian.

#im going theough a thing this week #lots of mid ninties midwest emo #someone is posting reviews snd very sweet things sbout my zines on tiktok and insta #including a quote from someone no longer in my life #and im sad about it #gonna go listen to braid and jawbreaker #and promise ring and texas is the reason #its not 'do you still hate me?' its do i still remind you of things that make you hate yourself

[spoonshapedlikeafork]

^ prompt ^

(Title that ill do later)

Ship: Cardinal Copia/fem! Reader

Summary: after a summoning gone wrong, reader must spend the following weeks recovering with her cardinal

NSFW in future chapters

Cw: blood and injury, very brief mention of SA, established relationship, mentions of bloodplay (lmk if i need to add more tags)

"Tesoro, what has happened to you?"

The cloudiness of your mind slowly dissipates at the voice in front of you. It sounds... familar. You know this person, you're safe with them.

"satana all'inferno, you are covered head to toe!" The voice quietly continues, sounding more distressed than before. You try to speak up, to tell him that its not all yours, but you can't. The words catch in your throat, and all that comes out in a quiet groan.

As your mouth moves, you begin to focus on the stickiness coating your toungue. Its tangy, coppery, and thick. You know what it is.

You slowly turn to the side and spit out as much of the old, congealed blood as you can. How long had you been laying there? When you woke up, you thought it couldnt have been long, but as you stare at the mess in front of you, and around you, you realize it may have been longer than you'd thought.

Looking around, you realize where you are. You're near the edge of the abbeys forest, the trees around you thick, blocking any view of the exit of the forest. How you got out here you don't know. The only thing you remember from the day before was a pair of startlingly dark eyes, before pain envelopes the rest of your memory.

A gentle tap on your shoulder startles you back to the present. Your eyes meet the owner of the voice, your Copia, and everything seems to come back to you. The summoning gone wrong, Papa III telling you to run as far as you can, the sound of leaves and sticks crunching behind you as the ghoul grew closer. Your hand flies to the back of your throat, where they had bitten you. It was tender, sensitive, the touch bringing pain to not only the bite but all surrounding areas as well.

You clenched your teeth as you gently prodded at it. Somehow, it was still bleeding, though thankfully very slowly. You knew there were more marks, a collection of bites and scratches covered your body, visible theough the many rips and holes in the fabric of your habit, and for a brief moment fear clutched your chest at the idea of what may have happened after the initial bite, but it quickly dissipated as you realised there was no ache between your legs.

Finally, you give the Cardinal a shaky smile. Unfortunately, you can tell it does very little to calm him. Instead, he reaches forward and pulls the collar of your nearly-shredded habit to the side. The blood-soaked fabric sticks to your wound and you flinch away, letting out a pained whimper as you do. Your hand comes up to cover the bite, your eyes meeting his.

"Papa I... I thought i could get away but they were too fast. It's like one moment i was sure I'd make it far enough that i could lose them, and the next they had me!" Your voice shakes far more than you thought it would as you speak, but you continue, "I-I think i need to go to the infirmary?"

He nods and stands, reaching a hand down to help you stand. "Come Sister, I will take you now, can you walk?" He keep his hand in yours as you rise, bringing his other hand forward to steady you as you sway where you stand. He frowns at this and his worried eyes meet yours as you speak. "Im sure ill be fine, Papa." You mutter, though you don't sound confident. Which, you aren't, if youre being honest. The world feels like its titled, and every spot on your body hurts.

"I must disagree, Sorella, you are barely standing now, and im holding you up!" He exclaims, smiling for just a moment at her independence, before returning to a frown as he reaches forward. Before youre even aware of whats happening, he pulls you into your arms and lifts you bridal style, swiftly beginning the long trek back to the abbey.

"P-Papa!" You gasp, shakey fingers digging into the fabric of the Cardinals cassock. He merely hums in response, glancing down at you for less than a second before returning his eyes to the forest in front of him.

"I said i can walk" you state weakly. He simple shakes his head in response. "And I, as your Papa, as thenperson meant to protect you, judged that to be false, cara mia. You were swaying where you stood, you should not have to walk, especially not for a walk this long." He says, voice firm yet gentle, leaving no room for further argument.

You sigh and look down at your ruined habit, carefully pulling bits of favric away, cataloguing all the bites and bruises youre able to see. That ghoul really did a number on you, but theres one specific detail thats leaving you quite confused. Youre alive, and the ghoul is nowhere to he found. Why? Had they escaped? Are the running loose, hurting others? Or had something else pulled their attention? If so, what? Very very little will pull a newly summoned ghouls attention away from hot, fresh, meat and blood.

Copia had noticed your movement, watching as you explored the broken and bruised expanse of skin revealed beneath the remains strips of fabric. He grimaced at each new inch a marred skin, the smell of fresh blood from your wounds barely noticeable over the overwhelming stench of old blood. Normally, he'd love seeing you covered in blood. Normally he'd love watching it drip from your wounds. But this was different. You did not enjoy this, did not beg for it, pleading and whining at his feet for him make you scream. No. He did not like this blood, did not like that someone, something else had caused this blood to drip from your gorgeous skin.

His steps speed up, and he holds you tighter to your chest. With every step, relief replaces the very blood that runs through his veins. It seeps through his skin and into his muscles, overtaking his entire being. He has never felt anything quite as strongly as the relief he feels at see you alive, awake, and hopefully ok longterm. He had been so scared, watching you run, knowing there was nothing he could do in that moment to protect you.

Much like the relief he feels now. The panic and fear he'd felt the night before had taken over. His entire body was frozen in place as he watched the love of his life run. The frantic, terrified, look in her eyes will forever be burnt into his eyelids. He will never be free of it. Her eyes had, for just a moment, just a breath, met his. Her eyes begged for him to save her. Begged for him to move. But he couldn't. Not only because of the fear gripping his being and holding him still, but because he would simply be stopped. He knows this. Knows he wouldn't have been able to help. He knows he'd be held back, and he knows that even if he did manage to break free and reach you, he would no match for a feral, newly summoned ghoul.

And still, knowing everything he does, guilt wraps around his throat and squeezes. It mocks him with every step, every breath, every movement. He shouldve done something, anything.

As if you could hear his internal struggle, you look up at him with tired, pained eyes. But, as ge geld your gaze, he saw something more. He saw love, he saw thankfulness. He saw his beautiful Sister of Sin.

A quiet, barely-there, gasp escaped your lips as your gaze zeroed in on the tears streaming down his face. Sitting up as much as possible in his arms, you bring your hands up to cup his face. Your thumbs gently wipe the tears from his cheeks, while your lips kiss away the tears on his jaw and neck. "Don't cry, my love, please, Im ok, i promise"

That pulls a wet laugh from him and he raises an eyebrow in response. "I'd say youre far from ok, amate mia (gotta check this later, should be either my lover or my beloved but i cant remember) you are-" his voice catches jn his throat as more tears slip down his face, dampening your hands, not that you mind at all. "You are covered in wounds, that hardly screams 'ok'" he finishes, finally looking forward as the abbey comes into view. "We are almost there cara mia, soon the capable hands of the medical staff will take you from me. Do you promise to return to me in one piece?" Part of him means it as a joke, but another, much more fragile part, is entirely serious in his question. He needs you to say it. To say youll come back. He'd spent the entire night looking for you with a group of siblings, terrified that they would return empty handed, or worse, with a corpse. He cannot cannot stand to leave you again but he knows he will have to. He can only hope things will ho well.

"Of course i will Cardinal, ill always come back to you" you state, and theres something about the way you said it, the air of finality and fact that the words have as you speak them. He believes you, entirely. You will come back, you will be ok.

#cardinal copia x reader #papa emeritus iv x reader #the band ghost #the band ghost fanfiction #cw: blood #copia x reader #papa emeritus x reader

[s4vi0rc0mpl3x]

Im so tired of this.

I was able to be really obsessed with hunger games for about a week last week and it felt so good to be like so obsessed with something again, even if it was only for a week.

Gone back to not being able to give two shits about anything anymore. I hate this. I can't get myself to do a single thing that i used to love. Even when i do them it doesn't feel as good as i want it to. It feels like torture, waking up and going theough the motions.

I want permission to just lay down and admit defeat. I want permission to just take a step back and let go. I want permission to just fucking let go. I'm so sick of this. I'm so so sick of this. I can't keep going. What's the fucking point anymore. Nothing feels right anymore. There is no more music left in me.

[cassandralexxx]

I need to think more on this :(

I am so glad my church group doesn’t meet over the summer bc it gives me some time to reflect with separation.

Bc I haven’t been meeting with them every week I can think of it’s the way I truly want to live my life

like the way I viewed myself got worse so idk

For a course I’m taking we had to do an autobiography type reflection and the only reason I could be honest is bc it is going to be anonymously graded

like being part of the church group in s way embarrasses me

but also Idk If I can just stop attending it come fall

like Im glad it’s not happening in the summer so that maybe this gives me a chance not to go back in fall

don’t get me wrong I’m still Catholic and will still attend the church and probably in fall I’ll attend even more church stuff

but i don’t think I want to make the commitment that I signed anymore

it makes me sad

and when talking to my mom she said something that made me think Wow maybe I should reconsider

i hate myself so much

that has to be the only reason

looking through my tumblr archive I said that I didn’t want to make myself hate me anymore and I think I messed up

I’ve made so many great memories and experiences with the church group and those people are everything they are so kind and genuine and I feel so connected to them

but some of the things they said had my heart BREAKING for them

and i realize it’s also like me I’m just like them

I don’t want to deny myself for the rest of my life but then I think why not just for a few more years

going back to what my mom said

She said “remember the rules of the church are the rules of man” and she said that specifically about my context

i mean my context adjacent but it struck me so hard it felt like a slap

The church group is such a meaningful place of people with shared identity and experience as me like talking with them They Get It

but i think maybe i should just decide to be far too busy come fall semester

i don’t want to leave the slack message because I don’t want the leader of the ministry to reach out and then I’d have to answer

and i don’t know what id say

If I would lie and say that I can’t fit it in my schedule (I would have to confess to that lie in reconciliation)

or if I would say the truth that I don’t know if I agree with the ministry anymore

and I’d feel so judged

even if I wasn’t judged I know that they would think of me a certain way

and Im not going to leave the church so there is not much I can do about it

i had thought about maybe leaving ti join the other Catholic Church in my city but that’s actually a decent drive away

The last time I went to confession had me feeling awful

It was so bad

and i don’t know how I feel about the ministry

i don’t know what to do

i wish I could talk to someone about it but I can’t I truly cant

i can’t talk to the people in the ministry because I don’t want them to know that I’m doubting this hard if I don’t leave and if I do I want it to be a clean break

they know my doubts that’s part of the ministry but not to this extent

and i can’t talk to the people in my life about it because they either don’t know I’m gay or don’t know that I go to that ministry

my friends know I’m religious but I know they would look at me So Incredibly Differently if they knew that the ministry I was going to every week is a sexuality and gender ministry. km embarrassed by it even though I thought it was what I needed to be closer with God

i went there after I was hurting: my return to church was largely inspired by the anniversary of an awful time

i have so many complex thoughts that I need to go theough

i think it would be best for me to leave the ministry and just attend more regular church stuff

i just hate the idea of the members knowing that I was in it and left

ahhhh

i need to reflect on this more I’m struggling so much

Im in part thinking of this so much because I am seeing them in person again this week for something unrelated to the ministry and it leaves me to wonder if they would halt their friendship with me if I stopped going

like technically since membership is like secret and I haven’t met them at other church events it’s like we have never met so idk idk idk

i want guidance

and Im not talking divine guidance I just want someone to talk to me and be like friend what are you doing

because i don’t know what I’m doing

#MyLife #MyRambles

[vczcv]

its so easy to be bad and its so hard to be good

i dont think that because i wanna be good

if i wanted to be good id have to start over

i just want what i deserve

if my family and friend knew what i thought of everyday id be sent to a hospital again and id never make normal relashonships again, not that i ever have had a normal relashonship. i rlly want a girl again. i wanna be in love to death i want someone i can trust someone who can hurt me someone who can enjoy the same things i love because loneliness is boring but i feel like ill never find her ill never find a girl whos willing to play with her life everyday. it rlly sucks i have found 2 in the pasy but didnt embrace it as i would now. back then i was trying to be good but failed.

i want a girl to praise me for my sh i want a girl i can love in everyway i would do anything for her my body is my soul and its feeling empty and blank i cant seem to find the urge to soak in pain. excuses excuses i make everyday. everyday i wanna cvt so bad for so many reasons but i hesitate because of the pants im wearing. ive been wearing these for weeks and the blood woudl soak theough and id get caught. but soon very soon im going to find my black pants and hopefully i can start again. i miss the feeling i miss and kiss the taste i need it so bad ive said forever that my excuse for sh is because i have a blood kink but its so much more than that. i have a horrifying obsession with flesh. only human though. im so bored my "life" is so boring i think about the things i wanna do all day everyday but i cant act on them and i cant take it i cant i reallycant i just need the worst i wanna be horribly satisfied and i dont know how to do it so i pretend in my brain all day my brain is spinning. sometimes i feel bad for my brain then i remember my body hates my brain then i feel bad for my body, but i hate myself at the same time. i truly mean it when i say theres nothing i wouldnt do to myself that anyone like me or worse would wanna do to me. my brain hurts so much i want so many things i dont know what to do. i want someone to fall in with me.

[aquietsystem]

Therapist is working more towards getting me into a specialist. She really believes that getting assessed could help me, whether the answer was yes or no.

And that felt amazing because she was the first therapist to

A. Take my concerns fully seriously

B. Not think i want a DID diagnosis, but rather she knows i want to be assessed to get a yes/no and norrow things down. I have never felt this seen. She fully understood. She headd how tored i was. I started crying when i was talking about how exhausting is is to feel yourself starting to dissociate but not being able to stop it. How horrible it is to know you're dissociating theough an event you were really excited for, and know youre not going to remember it later. She knows i want an answet. I want to not NEED therapy anyone. Dont get me wrong i love it but i have been going to therapy once a week since i was 12. Thats a lot of therapy that didnt help, and now that im realising the possible system, im healing. I hope im not wrong because ill feel horrible, but also, if i am wrong? Cool. Its narrowed down.

Sorry for the rant/ramble

#brain soup #did system #dissociative identity disorder #therapy things #osddid #vent

[rebellum]

Ugh I have therapy Wednesday mornings and every Tuesday night I wanna cancel. Like. What's even the point, just let me rot, okay?

But I still continue in hopes that some day I won't feel like this

#week 6 of therapy tomorrow #and so far ive only gotten more sad #tho tbh i have improved overall #its more just like. it used to be for me part of friendship is about sharing the bad stuff too and talking it out or being comforted #and in therapy recently ive learned that no. i shouldnt want sympathy or comfort from friends. #those are things a child wants #and adults just handle everything on their own and arent supposed to need comfort from friends unless its something world shattering #and i just feel so ALONE #i have something terribly wrong with my body and doctors can't figure out what and im in pain every day #literally i go theough a bottle of advil every 3 weeks or so #and my granny is probably dying and i havent even told my best friends #because its not appropriate to talk about. #and sharing makes me feel better so the closest i get is this #where some random ppl im not even rly friends me will give the post a like to show that at least they saw it #and thats better than nothing. #and i have to make that be enough. #god this sucks. #i understand now why alcoholism runs in my family #honestly its getting to the point where i might secretly buy alcohol so my parents dont judge me #and drink more often #because at least being slightly out of it is better than this almost constant anxiety and depression #haha good thing i have therapy tomorrow mornijg #oh god i thoufht i was done but i remmebered another point. the pills. i had to give my mum my pills to hold. #because im the closest to suicidal ive been in years #and i cant even mention to friends that im feeling sad and lonely bc its not okay to do that.

[violetnotez]

Haaaaiiii! I don't know if you've done this before, but can you do a headcanon with Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki, and Kaminari (separately) dating a slim thicc reader who's waaaaay to kind to everyone for her own good? Sorry if that was specific lol. It just suits my life.

HC: Slim Thicc + Overly Nice Reader | BNHA

Music Genre: Pop | BNHA

Characters: Midoriya, Bakugo, Todoroki

Warnings: cursing, suggestive content

Music Collection | Tip Jar | Requests!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

Shop Owner Note: The fuq how did you describe me in four words lmaoooo-I really liked this idea alot!!!!! Also I only did Bakugo, Izuku and Shoto caus emy brain got fried, so hope thats okay!

Midoriya

THIS GIF ISNT APART OF THE HC AT ALL I JUST FOUND IT AND NOW IM FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAYYYY😳😳

Midoriya most definitely drink his respect women juice

He was raised by his mother after all

BUT

doesnt mean the boy cant be a little perverted-

He just loves your body!!!!!

How can he NOT love everything about it, from the way your school tights slightly squeeze your thighs to the point where he feel like he cant breath

Or when you wear his shirts and its tighter around the chest and flowy around you waist

Mmmmmm lets not forget your hero suit- this man would probably kiss the shoes of the person who made your suit

Cause DAMN they really made it as tight as possible and he just loves it sm

Lets be real this dude has probably popped a boner by accident just thinking about your hero suit 😶

ANYWAYS 💀💀💀💀

He is very much respectful about you and keeps his raging hormones horniness to himself

He is ALWAYS making sure you feel comfortable in your relationship, whether its from holding hands to cuddling, he will always make sure you give your consent

Now, when it comes to your kindness, this is something Midoriya probably loves the most about you

But he does find it really concerning when he notices you say “yes” to everything somebody asks you to do for them

And running yourself down, not looking as energetic as yourself

He is very observant, so he notices little things that signal you are little overwhelmed 

Like your clothes arent as perfectly ironed as they used to be, you seem to be forgetting your own things while remembering to bring everybody else’s, your smile seems strained, and you just look stressed

He is so incredibly empathetic- it pains him to his s/o look so distraught 

It does anger him a bit that these people can so easily take advantage of you, and not even care that you arent feeling your best because of what they asked of you

But he swallows down the anger, offering to help you with whatever you need at your dorm room

He tries to make it as stress free as he possibly can, bringing your favorite snacks and playlist of music to calm your mind

But at some point hed give you a very gentle talk,,,,

He knows you havent been feeling too great, whether you deny it or not, and he wants you to know that its perfectly okay to not say “yes” to every person

He knows you mean well and you want to help everyone out of the generosity of your heart, and he loves that about you

But you as a person are important, and you come first over anyone

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

Bakugo

Like Midoriya, just LOVES your body

Like cmon, how can he NOT

Dude is a ass+boob man change ma mind 

At first he deifnitely denies it-

Him??? Stare at your ass??? Pshh he was looking at the oven baka, if anything your ass was blocking his view-

You would know you caught him red handed cause he face would get redder than Momo’s hero suit and he would actually stutter—-

Which would make him extrmeely annoyed and he’d be cussing a storm+be in a grumpy mood for an hour or two

But once you two get more comfortable in your relationship-

NO HOLDING BACK

He will have use every opportunity to just be meannnn

And by mean

I mean turn slapping your ass into some sick game

Like if you dont yelp and cuss him out whats the point?

Once he slapped you so hard he legit left his big ass hand print on your butt cheek and you were about to slap his smug ass back....

But off a 50ft building  🙃

Also a big softie too

Like when you to cuddle he loves cuddling into your chest 🥺🥺

To him it’s just so comfyyyyyyyyyy

Honestly, Bakugo can’t understand at all how you can be so nice to people

It confuses him???? But he finds it really....nice???

Like half the stuff you do for people Bakugo wouldn’t ever dream of doing

He knows he’d either give that person an intimidating, dirty look or just laugh at them, cause yeah right he’d waste his time with their stupid problems

Ouchhhhhhhh

But you are totally different than him-you had a lot more patience and sympathy than he had, always coming to everyone’s rescue it seemed like

He finds it attractive and to him, it confuses the hell out of him how he does

But what bothers him is how much time you spend away from him

He won’t ever admit it, but he feels lonely when you’re not around

And what’s even worse-is by the time you do hang out with him, your too tired to even properly pay attention to him after running around and doing everything for everyone else

Bakugo the Attention Whore

One day this dude would have enough, as he’s been getting the bad end of the stick for a good couple of weeks——

He just barges into were ever your at, and doesn’t give to shits what so everrrrr

Bakugo has one mission in mind: getting his s/o back

Wouldn’t acknowledge anyone but you, grabbing your wrist and yanking you out of the room even if your protesting with him

“The hell are you doing Bakugo, let go-“

“No 😠”

“Pleaseeeeeee I was in the middle of working on something-“

“I said NO 😠😠😠”

Angry Pomeranian Activated

Once stop dragging you until he locks you in his room, forcing you to hear him out

He HATES being emotional or open, but at that, he starts spilling his guts through gritted teeth and choppy sentences,,

Saying that you waste too much time in thise “extras”, that they don’t deserve as much time as you give them, and that you have more “important” things than do all their work for them

*cough cough him being the more important thing

But hoenstly, you feel a little bad for him,,,,,

So you compromise with him and promise you’ll spend more time on him

He’s pretty happy with that,

but now he takes it one step further to make sure you deifnitely have enough time to hang out with him

If he’s around when someone asks you for help, he’ll cut them off and lie straight theough his teeth, saying you two have a “date” and squeezing you close to him with an iron grip

“Wait-Bakugo-we didnt have a date planned-“

“Tsch, now we do-“

Shoto Todoroki

I have said this timeeee and timeeee againnnn

But Shoto really is the definition of innocence

So really, it wouldn’t ever dawn on him on how killer his s/o’s body is

He’s just kinda like....yeah I know they have a butt and chest? Doesn’t everyone?😶

This poor Boi someone help him

It only really sets it after a few months of being together that he’s actually really, really in love with your body

Like how did he never notice how good you look in leggings?

Or how soft and comfortable your chest is?

And why does he want you to squeeze him with your thighs? 😳

Hormones are ragingggggg

And also veryyyyyyyy protective over you

Shoto is very observant and quiet in social situations, usually opting to check out his surroundings instead of trying to be sociable

So he’ll catch from time to time classmates commenting on you and your figure, and it never sits very well with him

At first when these incidences happened he was very conflicted, not understanding this intense jealousy and need to protect you

But after a while of contemplating his feelings, he understood it was because he was protective of you

And ohohoohohoh

This man is PROTECTIVE

He does little things you would never reallly notice until you actually do

Like when he takes you home after hanging out or a date, he lingers a little longer outside your door to make sure you’re inside safely

Or when you’re walking together he will make sure your walking inside the street and away from the cars

Also has a tendency to grab your waist or your hand when a group of men come your way

He just gets paranoid okay 🥺🥺🥺

And because he’s so protective, he doesn’t practically like that you’re being taken advantage of sometimes because of your kindness

Especially when it comes to other men

On a few occasions Shoto has spotted you in a sticky situation with a guy who was being a little too close for comfort

It would make you uncomfortable of course, you had a boyfriend you already loved a lot-

but you felt kind of bad just being a total bitch to this guy who desperately wanted a chance

So you’d just awkwardly laugh and smile with their stupid pick up lines, trying your best to be polite but also show you weren’t interested

But Shoto at this point has radar for when your in trouble, and just pops out of nowhere 💀

He’s not the type to flaunt his relationship by impulsively kissing you or anything like that, but he’ll show it in subtle ways

Like calling you “dear” or wrapping his arm around your waist

Honestly, the look of pure relief and comfort in your face shows more than Shoto could have ever done,,,

And that Shoto was deifnitely someone that was more than just a “guy fiend” and soemthing like that

Also Shoto would give them a look that could kill and that instantly scares the shit out anyone lmao

These dudes faces would deflate like balloons real quick, cause at this point everyone knows who Shoto Todoroki is

And how the hell can they compete with that

Instant “oh shit my bad” type energy

After those incidents, Shoto locks down way harder

He practically has you glued to his side, and he doesn’t let go

Like at all

Get used to it cause for the rest of the day Shoto is gonna be following you around like some body guard 💀

© Violetnote 2020

None of these characters or shows are my own, only the storylines and narratives I create are mine. Copying, stealing, plagiarizing, rewording, or using my storylines in other media, claiming to be your own, or reposting without my consent is not allowed.

#bnha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha hc #mha hc #deku x reader #bnha deku x reader #mha deku x reader #bnha bakugo x reader #izuku x reader #bnha izuku x reader #mha izuku x reader #bnha izuku midoriya x reader #mha izuku midoriya x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #bakugo x reader #bnha bakugo x reader hc #mha bakugo x reader #bnha reader insert #mha reader insert #shoto x reader #bnha shoto x reader #mha shoto x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki x reader

[writemyaceattorneys]

Good day i am here to provide a drabble based on some of drugs anons ideas ;D

-🌌anon (oh, and i keep on forgetting to mention my pronouns im so sorry - she/her and they/them :) )

When they first stayed up so late, he passed it off as a natural reaction to the transpiring events.

Change was difficult, even if it was for the better, and outwardly they accepted it. But the initial... move still would put stress on many, so he let them do as they will regarding their sleep schedule, reasoning it'd only be a matter of time.

A week or so, they reasoned, but as every day dragged on past those inital sweet seven and they got sicklier and their skin started to have an undertone of silver compared to their former vibrancy, that's when enough was enough.

"Pray forgive me, S/O, but you can't keep going on like this." Barok had sighed as he just barely caught them from halfway walking into the wall. Yet, the smaller figure merely laughed

"What? Why not?" They grinned, the bags under their eyes curving up with their grin. "I'm making tons of progress with my novella!"

"At the expense of your health? For goodness sake, A rose can't wither at the expense of a daisy." Exasperated, he pulled away to allow them to collect the streen papers across the tiled floor, dropped out of surprise.

"...Can it?" They drawled, grogginess temporarily catching up before their wit returned. "Besides, i do believe my piece is prettier than a daisy. Didn't you claim as such ehen you first reviewed my draft? I think you said it was... a..." they yawned big and widemuch like a snake unhinging its jaw save for the lacking predatory intent."crnation..?"

"That is not the point, S/O." Barok half growled. "If you don't get proper sleep soon so help me i will burn your prior drafts."

"Please do..." impossible as ever, they rubbed their eyes without a care for the steel gaze overlooking them. Yawning once more, they turned away. "Now, if you'll please excuse me..."

They would be, for today, but one would not expect the other to be brewing ideas in their head aswell..

----

It took a week for the delivery to arrive, and how many times had S/O slept properly?

Once, bent over their desk like an overworked bobby. So, not properly, save for their transferral over to the bed so kindly provided for them but barely touched.

That'd change though, as barok oversaw the food sreved for the night's dinner and took out what'd finally get them to rest properly.

It looked like a salt or a spice when powdered upon their meal that they always ate when provided, making him wonder why they not sleep if they ate so heartily?

Again, that was going to change.

So the meals were set and they ate like usual. S/O noted how the steak tasted oh so slightly differently, but paid it no mind. Maybe it was their mind. Maybe it was a new treat, even if they didnt like the bitterness. Perhaps it was something exotic? Strange that barok didnt comment on it though...

They did note how much more jovial the other man at the end of the table was in the part of their mind that was still coherent. No more fretting over their sleep, but rather he just asked about their book.

How strange, but barok van zieks was quite the aloof one, so again, they paid it no mind.

They also noted how much more they were yawning, but the pursuit of art was too important, so again, they paid it no mind.

Maybe they simply coulnt, a half way dead diredness permeating theough their veins sprinting up to them

Only halfway up the stairs back to their chambers, when their legs wavered and gave out, and their grip weakened on the ornate baniser did any semblance of something wrong cross into their vision, but...

Well, at least barok seemed to arrive just on time, scooping them up into his arms.

"What did I tell you, S/O? You're lucky you only gave out a few steps up. You're lucky you didn't get hurt sooner."

...why did that sound so off? And what was with that glint in his eyes, the one thing they could focus on as their mind entered a shadowy haze thicker than the london smog?

"But fret not. I'll make sure you'll be well taken care of."

He smiled a chilling smile, and before any manner of slurred confusion could ask what was going on...

the world went black.

Perhaps the grim reapers curse was useful, if in small doses.

(I just started the end of chapter 5 in DGS so i apologise for any potential OOC-ness of barok or medical innacuracies)

😳 gah- well then....😳

I'm really not gonna add too much to this because y'all should appreciate this on its own but honestly 🌌Anon the way you can take the brilliant ideas that everyone shares here and make something that's brilliant also. Your contributions are amazing, thank you for sticking around here!!!!

#talking to mod miles #🌌 anon #yandere dai gyakuten saiban #yandere dai gyakuten saiban x reader #ohmy #yandere barok van zieks #drugs #yandere

[knighthelper]

Hello! How are you? I wanted to know if u had some advice for someone wanting to start selling psd (besides knowing how to use ps, which is the basic hahah). thank you!

hello!!! im alright, thank you :)

honestly i don't really have very much experience with monetizing my creations. i have recently begun releasing psds as pay only for about 2 weeks until making them available for free, but i haven't had anyone buy them, and i found out some things about the way deviantart "pays" artists (points cannot be converted to actual money irl without a core membership, which requires More money) and am therefore likely going to stop this practice because points have no value to me because i do not buy goods on deviantart.

however! a good thing i will recommend is the ko-fi website, which is sort of like a donation pool, where you can advertise your art and even do commissions through it. ko-fi, unlike deviantart, does provide for the exchange of real money, however you cannot list individual products to sell afaik. however, as mentioned you can take commissions theough it i believe either through the actual website itself (i think it may have a commissions widget, however i dont know if this is a premium option or not) or by having commissioners donate through it.

you can also use, i would assume, paypal or other online banking apps, by having customers IM you and sending them the psd file once they have paid.

though like i said i don't really have any experience. i have never yet made any money or profit from what i create. all of this advice is based on my own research and what ive found out by looking through both websites, so i highly suggest doing the same or asking multiple other creators as my word may not be the whole truth or the truth at all.

if you want to start uploading psds without necessarily making a profit, i suggest google drive or deviantart. i use both, where i post my psds on deviantart (partially for aesthetic reasons as deviantart is a prettier website than GD) and then upload them to a folder in my google drive so that if anyone needs an alt link for any reason i may provide it for them. it also helps to keep things sort of neater as if i move devices (as i recently did and lost my local folder for psds) i have all of my psds available on the google account.

i hope this helps, if not entirely then at least a little bit! if you still need any help feel free to ask and i may answer to the best of my abilities.

#( ➴ answered ! ) #anonymous #advice #idk how to tag this #long text

[svudrabbles]

How about one where Olivia gets jealous when another mom (one of Noah’s friends) flirts with fem!reader at one of Noah’s games (you pick the sport) especially when Olivia has been working really hard on a case, so she has been missing out on spending time with them. Angst + fluff at end pls I hope this makes sense because it sounds better in my head. Anyways, love your writing! You are really good!

Thank you so much!! This is a really great prompt, sounds great on paper too lmao. I chose dance because that’s what we saw most recently on the show...and also it made a neat storyline in the fic. Hope you enjoy!

Noah’s mid season performance review at the dance academy was today. You had informed Olivia of this last week, and she had promised both you and Noah she would be there. You hated to say it, but you weren’t sure if she’d show. She’d been at work constantly since the beginning of the month working this new case, and while you understood the importance of her job, sometimes it felt like she shoved the two of you to the side.

On the way to the academy, Noah had seen upset in the back seat, so of course you inquired as to why.

He said, “I don’t think mommy is gonna show up...”

Your eyebrows furrowed in sadness , and you sighed. “Noah, she just texted me that she’s leaving work in ten minutes. She’ll be here.”

He sighed, looking out of the window, and didn’t respond.

Yeah. You didn’t exactly believe your words either. But you could hope.

When you arrived, there were parents lined up against the massive wall to wall mirrors. Olivia wasn’t here yet. You took your seat at the end of the line, although Noah hadnt left your side.

“Mama,” he pouted, “where’s mommy?”

“She’ll ve here, love.” You hugged him tightly. “Go see your friends, okay? I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

All of a sudden, a woman and a little girl entered the room. She gasped at the sight of Noah and ran toward the two of you. “Noah! Look! My mommy got me a new leotard. Wanna see?”

Noah turned his head toward his friend, and almost as if he forgot entirely about his nervousness, he grinned. “Hi, Lilliah! Yeah!”

The girl named Lilliah took him by the hand and dragged him over to the cubbies where she practically ripped off her coat and began modeling her new sparkly leotard.

You felt someone take a seat next to you, so you turned your head and almost gasped at the sight.

“Y/N?” Grace laughed in surprise.

Grace was...an old friend of sorts. You were a dancer growing up, and had made it into a company by the time you were eighteen. Grace and you had made this accomplishment together, but once you left the company, you’d completely lost touch.

“Grace!” You smiled happily, bringing the woman into a huge hug.

“My God it’s been so long.” She squeezed you tightly. “Where have you been?”

You pulled away, your eyes searching her person. Her thick blond curly hair was swept into a messy bun, her sparkling blue eyes were alive with excitement as they usually were. Her white teeth broad in a grin. As much as you were friends, Grace was also your ex girlfriend.

“Ah, around.” You shrugged. “I actually teach dance at another studio.”

“Very nice. I always expected that from you.” She chuckled, squeezing your thigh.

You looked down at the sudden touch with raised eyebrows.

“I guess my daughter is friends with your son.” She mentioned, motioning toward the two little kids who were running around together giggling.

You smiled. “I guess so.”

“Makes sense. We were always good friends.” She winked.

You blushed. “Yeah. We were huh?”

“I met Lilliah’s dad not soon after you dropped out of the company. He was sort of a cope, I think. We became...acquaintances with benefits.” She shrugged. “I got pregnant with her, he skipped out.”

You frowned. “I’m sorry, Grace.”

“It’s okay.” She chuckled. “Lily is the best thing in the world. Im glad it happened. But I do wish you’d been around.”

You sighed. “I’m sorry, I just...when I left, I didn’t want any reminders of why I had to go.”

“I know.” She nodded, her hand on your thigh ran inwardly. “I don’t blame you. I’m just glad fate brought us together again.”

You cleared your throat, pushing her hand away. You looked toward the door, and Olivia was standing there, staring at you, hurt in her eyes.

Fuck.

“That’s my wife, actually.” You mentioned to Grace. “My sons other mother.”

The blond raised her brows. “Oh...”

You stood, going over to Liv, and making a point of hugging her tightly. She hugged you back.

“I’m glad you’re here.” You mumbled.

“Who is she?” Olivia questioned. “I don’t like the way she was touching you.”

You sighed. “I’ll tell you later.”

Suddenly you had a small child crash into the both of you. It was Noah. “Mommy!” He grinned wildly. “You really came.”

“I really did.” Olivia grinned down at her boy, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m so excited to watch you.”

Almost immediately after she said that, Noah’s dance teacher called out for the kids to take their places, as well as the parents.

***

After watching the performance, Grace had slipped you her number in your back pocket when you weren’t paying attention. She sent you a wink before saying, “If you ever wanna grt coffee anyway.”

Olivia had took note of this, and was upset all over again.

The three of you went out for dinner and ice cream, and then went home. Olivia helped Noah with his bath, and then put him to bed. You were in your room that the two of you shared, cuddled into your side of the bed with a glass of red wine, in one of Olivia’s NYPD t shirts that swallowed you whole.

Olivia came into the room, and eyed you. “We need to talk.”

You blinked, placing your glass on the night table. “Okay.”

“Who was thet woman?” She questioned, shutting the door behind her. “She seemed like she knew you. She could hardly keep her hands off of you.”

You sighed. “Grace is her name. We knew each other at the company, before I left.”

“Knew each other?” She questioned, rummaging theough her drawers for pajamas.

“Shes my ex.” You said softly.

Olivia scoffed. “Of course.”

“Excuse me?” You raised a brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You were completely content with letting her practically finger you in a room full of kids.” Olivia stated nastily. She began undressing, changing into her pajamas.

“What the fuck?” You scoffed. “I shoved her away. You know that.”

“When I got there. How do I know how long it went on before?” Olivia spun on her heels, staring at you.

“Maybe you would have known if you were there!” You exclaimed. “You’re never here. You’re never around to touch me like that, you’re never around to watch Noah. It’s just the two of us all of the time.”

“Y/N, you know how important my work is...”

“And we arent!?” You asked, full of emotion. “Liv, all i want at the end of every day is to cuddle with you, kiss you. Make love to you. But I don’t get to do that. I don’t get to tell you how hard my day was, I don’t get to lean on you, and I live with that because I love you and I know how much your job means to you. But we have to mean something to you too, and it feels like we don’t.”

Olivia’s face became forlorn. She sighed, rubbing a hand through her hair.

You rolled your eyes, turning over on your side so you faced the wall. “Whatever, though. None of that matters. Keep practically pissing yourself all because one woman, who I haven’t spoken to, who I don’t love, touched me the way you should be.”

Olivia was silent, but she walked over to the bed, crawled under the covers, and pressed her body against yours. You melted into her warm touch. She curled around you as your big spoon, her leg going between your two legs, her arm wrapped tightly around your waist. With her other hand, she brushed away your hair, and pressed kissed to the nape of your neck. “I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been around. It’s not fair to you or to Noah...”

Your eyes filled with tears now.

“I love you, Y/N. I’m sorry i got mad, it’s just...when I saw her like that, with you...I hated myself. I should’ve been with you, holding you. She didn’t know you were married because I wasn’t there to let everyone know you’re mine.”

You sighed as she kissed your neck, softly sucking on the skin. “You’re my one and only love, Olivia. I’m proud of you for what you do, I love that you protect the unprotected. I just need you to be with us more than you have been.”

“I will be. I promise. I’ll be here more than I have been.” She mumbled, squeezing you tight. “I love you so much, my love.”

“I love you too.” You turned over, wrapping your leg around Liv’s waist, pulling your body flush against hers. Her hand slipped under your shirt, caressing your back, your side, your tummy.

“I’ll make it up to you tonight, if you let me?” Olivia said softly.

You smiled. “I’d love that.”

#svu #law and order svu #olivia benson #olivia benson imagine #olivia benson x reader #request

[tumblunni]

I had a really weird dream involving Dr Maddiman. Its a shame i can barely remember any of it and also it seems i woke up before it ended? Like i just had this overwhelming sense that allll the plot threads were gonna be wrapped up any second now and then BOOM awake. So just a whole bunch of random stuff happened with no real explanation at all.

It was some sort of post apocolyptic setting i think? Humanity was in these small isolated cities fighting against some sort of invading army but we never actually saw the aliens themselves. And some part of my brain was like "it makes sense its the same rules as a hairdresser and the design takes cues from a pack of AAA batteries". I have NO idea what that means! So basically everythibg was super vague and undescribed and dream-me just had a sense of already being a long time fan of this series and knowing enough to fill in the gaps. Apparantoy this was some sort of adaptation of a thing id already seen, but id been told the ending was different and more accurate to the manga? Also i wasnt actually a person watching this show i was still the protagonist of the show yet i acted like i'd been reincarnated and relived this week a million times or something

ANYWAY the way dr maddiman comes in is that he was some sort of 'brilliant but dangerous' expert the government had hired to help our fight against the aliens. It wasnt really explained why he was.. yknow.. maddiman. Like is this meant to be that ghosts also exist in this sci fi universe? Was he a half alien hybrid instead of a yokai? Was it just human maddiman with the personality of yokai maddiman due to ptsd...? In any case he didnt seem entirely tethered to the laws of reality and nobody knew exactly how he pulled off all his scientific miracles. He was treated as the only guy who could understand the mindset of the aliens, but that also made him dangerous because he trapped in the delusion of everything being okay and fun and happy and he often did evil things by accident while having good intentions. But they didnt have anyone else who'd cracked the code of the alien weaponry so they had to put up with him. He was just sorta assigned a crack team of secret agents whose job was Be The Old Man's Friend So We Dont All Die. Dont let him realise how the world is all destroyed and such, just play along with his goofyness and try and remind him to do his important work while dancing around why its important. it was super creepy how he was locked up and gaslighted like this!! And he was all 'oh im sure when im done with my ultimate experiment i can go home to my wife and kids' and yeah it was implied here that the same backstory applied :( 'distract the old man and validate his false opinion that his family is still alive and waiting for him' :( poor sci fi madds :(

Oh also for some reason he seemed to be wearing elements of Adventure era Dr Eggman's outfit? But just the general style of the coat and the wearing goggles that he never actually uses. And he had a very warm and cuddly autumnal colourscheme

Anyway i was part of the Super Secret Grampa Cherishing Division whose job was to act as his assistant but also secretly be packing a bazillion weapons to neutralize him if he poses a danger to humanity. But i started to genuinely care for the guy and question the 'any atrocity is permitted for the sake of saving the world' philosophy of my bosses. Also it was just very weird how it was this post apocolypse alien fighting action thing yet i didnt see ANY OF IT cos this story was confined to this one laboratory. It was surreal hearing about all this stuff happening offscreen!

I think Maddiman's main project was some sort of dimensional transport thing using salvaged alien tech? It was just a door in his lab that usually led to a closet but if he got it working itd teleport us straight to the alien base and save the world. And a lot of it wasnt explained but i got this great sense that itd all come together with a great twist ending evebtually but then i woke up before i got that far. Same for the reveal of this maddiman's new sci fi backstory and soooo many other dropped plot threads. Alas!

So anyway: closet. Closet with one of those bead curtain things cos i was thinking about them when i fell asleep. It was supposed to be a teleport but when it malfunctioned it had really scary negative effects warping people's biology and stuff. I remember one of the test subjects was sent in for a five day trip to a specific alternate dimension but then when they came back itd been several years and theyd had to survive in a deadly wasteland and been mutated into a hellbeast. And maddiman had a huge breakdown because he felt like his recklessness and optimism towards this experiment had caused this mistake to happen, and he'd never realized just how awful the consequences could be. He was babbling motor mouth discussing theories for where it went wrong and there was something like 'we'd only tested it for one day trips and assumed that just programming two of them would equal two days but actually with each additional number on the screen it multiplies the days by 3" And there was something about like...the bead curtain was the machine rather than the door itself? Like trying it on a bunch of different doors around the lab to try and find a way to cure this person.

And there was some sort of artificial intelligence computer with the personality of an adorable lil girl, who helped maddiman do calculations and stuff. She missed the mistake in this calculation cos her concept of linear time and the limits of human organs was kinda undeveloped. She only existed within the realm of numbers after all, and didbt even have functionality to record footage of her human friends's faces. No idea wtf a human looks like! So maddiman was lost in his desperate grief of potentially accidebtally killing or at least mentally scarring a person and the government would probably kill them now if they saw they were a super mutant. And he was sobbing and begging this AI to help, his last resort was her maybe being able to see a brainwave that he'd missed. But she was freaking out cos she didnt even fully understand why maddiman was crying let alone what to do to fix it. Eventually she did manage to find a solution theough some simple different logic thing that she had from her perspective as a computer. And that person was saved but still traumatized and maddiman had a moment of realizing just how high stakes everything was and freaking out. He was like 'whats wrong with my head, why didnt i notice that, why was i so reckless, why cant i seem to grasp basic human logic that i need right now" Having a big existential crisis of 'wait how did i even get in this lab, where's my family and why do i seem to have superpowers'. Protagonist mission: hide all the goddamn mirrors to avoid this weird ghostgramp (...aliengramp??) from realizing he's dead (..or an alien??) and losing control of himself. And everyone was running around talking about 'containment procedures' and poor maddiman didnt know that if his panic attack continued he might just straight up be killed for outliving his usefulness. So the protagonist was desperate to help him calm down and it sucked SO MUCH cos they had to lie about his past and weave the web of deception around him again for his own safety. In the end they just hugged him close until he calmed down, and all the other employees were like GASP THEY ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE EVIL DANGEROUS SUPER EVIL MAN and protag was like 'i am 1% away from slapping the next bitch who insults this grandpa'. And it was super depressing cos once he'd calmed down he seemed to start forgetting that anything bad had ever happened?? And he was really panicking and scared cos he didnt understand why he was forgetting, and he knew he had to cling onto something important but he didnt know what. And then five minutes later he was back to haha cheerful nothing is wrong and i love doing my fun science in this room im never allowed to leave. And protagonist was crying the tears that this poor gramp wasnt allowed to cry :(

Also actually i think maybe he was a ghost AND an alien? Like he was a scientist who died in some sort of tragedy back when the aliens first invaded, but along the way he'd been infected so his body got back up as a twisted combination of human and inhuman. And this was something unique to him, like he just happened to have a genetic mutation in his blood that was totally undetectable in life but happened to mix unpredictably with this alien virus to turn him into a hybrid instead of just killing him. So the government was very interested in finding a way to replicate this and create new supersoldiers, as well as just taking advantage of this dude's confused mental state that granted him a unique understanding of alien tech that made him more effective than other scientists. And, of course, also made him easy to manipulate :(

And i also had a feeling that maybe his backstory was mixed up with Adventure dr eggman? Like here it seemed he had a daughter instead of a son, and she had a similar death to Maria Robotnik where she was assasinated by the government he worked for, and it tipped him over the edge. I think Maddiman-alien-scifi-dude originally died trying to save her from being used in some sort of experiment? Like she was already dying of a disease and thats why maddiman took this job to have access to powerful government technology to try and look for a cure. But when the whole alien apocolypse happened, the evil government decided to use her for experiments cos she was 'basically dead anyway'. Theyd just lie and tell maddiman she died of her illness. So this was how they found out that this particular family's bloodline had a mutation that let them form a viable hybrid with alien dna. They were turning this poor kid into a monster in the basement while lying to her dad about her being dead! And maddiman was about to commit suicide from having no reason to live anymore, with the hell of this apocolypse world and the false impression that his kid was already dead. But somehow monster-daughter sensed this or something and broke out of containment to try and save him, and when he saw her he was able to recognise her even in her twisted state. So when the soldiers gunned her down in front of him and fed him some lies about this not being his daughter, he just completely snapped. He tried in vain to fight back and take down as many of them as possible in revenge, but well he was just a simple round dad with no ability to fight a government. So he was unceremoniously executed along with his kid and they shoved the bodies back in the lab to continue testing. "Damn that overemotional science dad, he made us execute our most valable test subject! But at least this way we can analyze his corpse to see if the mutation is passed down on the patrilineal side." But at some point during the fight, monster-daughter's blood had splashed on her dad and gotten into his bloodstream. So the seemingly dead body suddenly got up out of the morgue and started sucking people's blood or something. And this led to the current situation where they have him locked up cos he's a valuable test subject but also hey he has 100% reason to kill all of us and we're screwed if he remembers his past. Also i think the computer AI thing was his subconcious attempt to recreate the personality of his daughter even if he couldnt remember she'd ever existed :(

Anyway at some point things escalated and there was this final showdown versus both the invading aliens and the evil governmebt guys. I think there was some corrupt greedy politician dude who stole maddiman's teleporter tech and sold us out to the aliens cos he wanted money and power or something. And probably predictably the aliens just threw him off a bridge after he gave them the thing, because seriously even this evil army thinks these government dudes are too evil!

So this big actiony event was happening and Maddiman was freaking out like 'no no no i cant leave the lab everyone wpuld be mad at me, i dont even know what its like outside this room' even when he was in the middle of being attacked by aliens. He was forced to face his repressed memories to survive, and he naturally had a massive fuckin freakout! And i think maybe when protagonist character was trying to protect him he accidentally lashed out with his powers and hurt them, and he was so horrified thinking another person he cared about was gonna die because of him. Protagonist was like 'dont worry gramps its just a scratch' but he'd already freaked out and run away into the battlefield to his heavily implied death.

BUT THEN at some sort of moment of dire need, he came back all powered up and re-memoried and was like 'i have every reason to despise humanity but im not gonna let more children die because of these damn corporate monsters (and also literal monsters which are infinately less scary)" And he did some sort of great sacrifice to save the protagonist at the cost of his own life, and it was super dramatic falling from a building into a lake of fire or something. While sobbing and smiling peacefully thinkibg "did i atone for my sins? Will i be able to see my family again?" As his smiling face sunk beneath the flames and the protagonist cried out into the abyss...

Aaaaand then i dont really know what happened in the big battle and i also never found out wtf the solution was to fixing the transporter thing or how the aliens invaded or any of the million plot points that were non gramp related.

I just remember that when we all saved the day and defeated the baddies we found that maddiman had actually survived and it was a big hugs reunion. He was like "OH YEAH i totally forgot i literally already died once and regenerated from it, and this was the entire start to my story. My bad!" *shrugs inexplicably not dead arms*

So yeah in summary im glad my brain summoned up a universe where my favourite sad granddad is literally immortal now, but also why did it torment him with an even sadder plot than his original one

#weird dream tag #the sequence with trying the teleporter curtain on different doors actually took up the majority of the dream #it was ridiculously long and i wish i could slap my brain and be like 'geez save some time for explaining gramp backstory more!'

[fangwhoria]

11/11/11 Tag Game

tagged by @kenny-d-juice I’m so sorry I’m only just getting to this, I was stuck in a redwood tree for like 2.5 weeks

1. What was the first story you wrote?

Well the first one I remember writing, or at least starting, was based on a dream I had, like most of my stories. I must have been like 6 and the story was about like a bunch of princesses/rich girls/sisters who all had the ability to pull things out of dreams and they lived in a huge house with a whole bunch of bedrooms so they could sleep at any time

2. What are your ocs weird quirks?

Delilah physically can’t go on stage without knocking three times on the floor

When Johanna gets too emotional her magic starts spilling out of her, making her hair and eyes glow. She also can’t not sing along loudly and badly to any music playing, which is why they now only play instrumental music in the diner where she works

3. What is your current WIPs vague aesthetic?

Dusk in a mountain town right after it has rained

4. Give a five chapter summary about the last chapter you wrote.

ah jeez, now you’re gonna just come after me like that for not writing? you’re really gonna do me like this? make me admit i don’t remember the last chapter i wrote? im gonna fill your bones with bees

5. If your main OC had to be friends with a mutuals OC, which would it be?

I think Johanna would get along with @nkta-ink‘s OC, Kai Fen

6. What is yoyr favorite genre?

Urban/Modern fantasy

7. If you had to pick a classical novel to twist, which would it be and why?

Hmmmmmm well I would say Pride and Prejudice just cuz I love it but Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies already exists and there’s really no way for me to top that soooo I really have no idea

8. How many unfinished WIPs do you have?

oh okay i see how its gonna be, you really are just trying to expose me today kenny, huh? I have so many unfinished WIPs I don’t even remember most of them. I have left a mountain of barely started and half finished, decaying stories in my wake and I can’t even be bothered to remember the names of the characters. I’m a monster. Are we happy now?

9. If you had to resurrect one of your dead characters, which would it be an why?

Okay confession: I literally cannot bring myself to kill characters, at least permanently. If I remember correctly, I’ve only ever killed characters for a resurrection plotline, i.e. Delilah

10. Which OC are you most like in your WIP?

Definitely Johanna. I really started developing her last year while coming out of a pretty major depression, and she was sort of my outlet for a lot of the things I was goung theough, I projected a lot on her. Of course she’s different now, but there’s still more me in her than in the others

11. Which famous author inspires you most/is your muse?

Well Rick Riordan has inspired me a whole lot, and still does to this day. I also grew up on Neil Gaiman cuz my dad used to read The Graveyard Book to me and my brother before we went to bed, so I’d say both of them influenced my writing a lot

tagging: @nkta-ink @inexorableblob @fluffythewritingplant @vasilisapeadarsan @writer-jessicac

im not gonna tag 11 people or write 11 questions cuz im lazy but you can just do these 11, and I tag anyone who sees this!

#11/11/11 #11/11/11 tag #tag game #tagged for me #wip: fyofh #oc johanna #oc delilah #writeblr

[holdup-andrememberthetime]

Soooo tumblr has kinda become my mental health outlet to just let my overpowering thoughts run free, so feel free to keep scrolling, this is just another pointless vent (pointless to everyone else... but extremely theraputic to me). I’ll also do ny best to burry this on my blog with a bunch of other rbs. Also warning the below probably wont have paragraph breaks because im literally just rambling whatever thoughts pop up.

Anyways

So where I live we are kinda in another lockdown (i say kinda because the fuckin laws are soo loose. Like it says to stay home unless your going to things essential work, medical reasons/appointments, groceries, and excersise. And literally most people are not following it, my moms office is working from home but their warehouse staff is still working in the warehouse.... its a fabric distributor, absolutely not essential) and im going through a sadtimeTM. Idk if my time of month is coming up or if it has to do with covid or something else but my feelings this week have been really strong. Im 25 and i feel like my life is going literally no where. I finished teachers college in spring of 2020 (was in the middle or my final placement in march when the world shit down) and have had to wait 9months for my provincial teaching licence to go through (lots of technical difficulties for some reason) but I finally got that at the start of this month. Ive applied to school boards but now its just a massive waiting game. I literally have nothing going on in my life rn. My typical day consists of colouring a but in my adult colouring book that i was given back in 2016 and only picked up a few weeks ago, watching some netfix, and playing video games. Thats it. Thats my life. I know sounds great but i feel like im wasting away. The rexlaxing period of this has passed and now im just bored and sad. I barely even have any friends to keep me sane. My best friend since literally birth (we are not biologically or legally related by any means but hes my brother... throughout highschool our friends always tried to push us together romantically and ...eew.) moved to china anfew years ago, so yeah i still talk to him and i know hes there if i need him but the time differneces are hard and its really not the same as him being here. He used to just come iver and hang out. Like literally we would just exist in the same room together doing our own things. It really gives you a specific level of comfort and support that i cant get with him literally on the ither sode of the world. And my other best friend from childhood: i talk to her a lot but she has a full time job in the government and a boyfriend of like 3 years and shes just set. And shes super outgoing and social (i am not.) so going to her with this i wont get emotional support, it will just be like “just do things!” And im like its not that simple? Also she has this very specific view of life and is becoming really down about being 25 because “we wont be able to just live our lives and have fun for much longer” like?? Age is just a number? But she dosnt see that. And yeah anyways. Both my best friends have lives, even theough this pandemic. And i have nothing. Before this second shut down i was working as a horse riding instructor and training our baby horses about 6 hours wach week. Now because of the shut down my dad isnt letting me ride. Because “by law” we are not alowed. But technically i wouldnt be doing lessons, id be just exercising our horses, on one else around. But “going out is against the law” and i cant break the “law” even though literally no one is following the other people that i train horses with are still riding. And it just feels i need ONE THING in my life and if i had riding it would be IT. But i cant ride. Going back to listing friends, i have another really good family friend who i talk to quite a bit, we play games together several times a week, but he’s now on the other side of the country from me (as of last month) with a 3h time difference. Hes 7 years younger than me and graduated high school last spring. He move out west to try living alone and to get away from him parents a bit. Im so happy for him but i think im really jelous of him. Hes already done more with his life than i have. Hes out there being his own person, theres this girl hes talking to that hes really interested in and it sounds like she likes him too so thats super exciting and i cant wait to see their relationship grow! To be cont.

#personal #vent #skip this

[ramblingsandruminations]

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.

#psychology #depression #inpatient #suicidal ideation #existentialism

[whatimmaafraidtosay]

WHAT THE ACTUAL FICK

I WISH I COULSNT THINK RN

IT IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT

I am VERY UPSET THAT I CANT STOPVTHINKING SBOUT THE FACT THAT MY BABY IS GOING PUT WOTHBOTHER PEOPLE AND I FEEL NIGLECTED EVEN IF WE HAVENT OPENED THE RELATIONSHIP UP

I KNOW WE ARENT GONNA DONTHSTVYET, but I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW ILL HANDLE IT

PART OF ME WANTS TO JUST HAVE ONE EXPERIENCE BEFORE WE CLOSE IT THEN OPEN IT IP AGAIN LATER

Just so I know WHAT THE HELL ILL FEEL IN THAT MOMENT AND I CAN WORK THEOUGH THAT SHOFT

IM AO UPSET AND I WANNA CRY HUT THERES NO REASON TO

I FEEL LIKE SHOT THIS WHOLE WEEK

I wake up and for a few seconds I’m ok

BUT THEN I GET WITH THE THOUGTHS AGAIN

I KEEP GETTING HIT WITH IT

NO MATTER WHAT I LISTEN TO

NO MAYTER WHAT INWATCH

IM SO UPSET THAT IM NOT LIKE A GUY

OR JUST MAYBE WVEN HUST SATAY MONOGAMOUS

BUT THEN THATS DENYING BOTH OF US OF THAT THING

UGH IM SO CONFLICTED

SOMEONE HUST MAKENIT FEEL BETTER

Someone TAKE MY ANXIETY

SOMEONE PLEASE

IM BEFGING

TSKENMY INSECURE THOUGHTS AWAY

I DOMT LIKE FEELING THIS WAY AND I WANT TO COOL

BUT IT HASNT EVEN HAPPENDD AND IM OVER THINKING WVERYHRING