#im a failure : ) 👍

[princerevelucide]

my birthday is relatively in reach now too. Im almost 26. Thats disgusting

#im a failure 👍

[helpmyinterestsareverywhere]

A recent development

#/jk /jk #no-one will ever replace the green girlboy failure in my heart - my love for him is too strong to be overtaken <33 #but i have infact missed this sweetheart - id forgotten how silly he is <33 #can you believe he wasnt my most favourite-tist thing in the world when i first watched prime empire?? #i actively wasnt that fond of him 🧍‍♂️ #i would like to go back to past me and shake her very aggressively by the shoulders because WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER #HOW COULD I NOT LIKE THIS LITTLE GUY #i love him to bits and pieces now dont worry #(slowly realising this is a theme with me though - during rewatches im really liking the characters that I was NOT fond of the first time) #(happend with Okino - with FugiDove - with SORA!! <- absolute tragedy on that one what the hell was i thinking) #im having fun watching my favourite season :3👍 #hmiae rambles #ninjago #lego ninjago #ninjago lloyd #lloyd garmadon #ninjago okino #ninjago prime empire #prime empire

[burninginthegymplplinko]

MAG 162 - A Cosy Cabin

doodle 162/200; days left - 13/110 5/128

more gerry content ahahha :DD (focus on the nice things, focus on the nice things fo (｡ŏ﹏ŏ) focus on ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ f )

#OMG I FORGOT TO DRAW HIS EYE TATTOOS. A G A I N . #im a failure : ) 👍 #tma #the magnus archives #gerry keay #gerard keay #tma 162 #mag 162 #tma s5 #also this is the last doodle today bc the next one is probably gonna be a photo #that i forgot to take :))))))(

[cleromancy]

if anyones curious btw i had what felt like a regular cold from... the symptoms were mostly Wednesday-thursday but i had a little bit on tuesday and friday. mostly sore throat on tuesday and a bit of tiredness/lingering soreness on friday. but since someone in the house tested positive for covid im going to assume thats what it was.

But Also. i got the ick way less badly than either of the others which. is certainly partially luck but also ive been yk. staying in my room & wearing my mask when i have to leave it except when i take it off to eat. like theyve both been sick longer and are still sick while i feel completely better so... masking/distancing good basicly 👍

#less good is the part where like. #im gonna need to buy groceries soon and one of the sick people trapped me into being dependent on her lol #(no i cant get public transportation or delivery i live in a rural area #) #so. 🫠 #i guess i could possibly ask one of my sisters to make the 1.5hr round trip but. Lmao #its not an emergency or anything its just a very hey great work getting your dumb ass trapped in a living situation with a single point of+ #failure op 👍👍 this surely will never come bite you in the ass

[coffee-bat]

im still so omggggggg over the springlock scene

#ough!!!!!!!!! #thats all i have to say about the movie for now #but like not only was matthews acting as william so good #but also the fact that they SHOWED what was hapoening in the costume..the close-up of the endoskeleton part slowly sliding into his torso- #-just about obliterated me #this was more than everything i was hoping for #the detail made up for the lack of screaming lol #ramble #fnaf movie spoilers #william afton #gore mention #this definately makes me sound insane👍 #im just so EXTREMELY NORMAL about the concept of springlock failures

[pepprs]

girls who slam themselves in the 3x meta psychic prison. mutuals my mother straight up does not love or see or understand me and never did. when the pain is unending 😍

​ok yeah. i wasn’t going to write about it bc it’s deeply embarrsssing on multiple levels but like. i watched the childhood video tapes. except i couldn’t get the one from the first 2 months of my sister’s and my life(s) to work so i watched one from when we were 4 and our brother was less than a year old. and mutuals… in SO many of the clips she’s filming him and only him trying to get him to bounce and shit snd i ask for her to turn the camera on me so she can see me dancing or i can show her the picture i drew for her or ask her a question or share a thought and like… yes i was an annoying feisty bossy attention seeking 4 year old with a horrible bowl cut. but i was 4. and i just wanted my mom to listen to me and look at me. and she was dismissive to me in the videos like not outright cruel but exasperated with me for constantly trying to stick my head into the shot and asking for her attention. and when she would say “not now tess” or “tess you’re blocking him” etc etc i apologized for it and that part was sad too. idk. all of it was sad. i knew watching this shit that i was probably gonna stir stuff up which would be dangerous esp bc i don’t have therapy until the end of the month and i did stir things up just in watching the documented footage of it. i wish it was safe to post some of it on here bc it’s genuinely… like i feel like i don’t get to say it was sad bc i was being annoying and attention seeking but it’s sad.

on top of that.. i couldn’t get the vcr to play shit on my laptop bc i didn’t have the right equipment for it so i had to play it on the tv. and my whole family eventually caught on to me watching it and have watched clips of it with me now. and that’s just so complicated. bc they’re all adding their commentary about it too and im letting them and inviting them bc i don’t know how to set boundaries. and my mom… god. my mom is DOUBLING DOWN on exactly the same stuff she said in the video when we were FOUR YEARS OLD. saying that my sister and i got to be filmed so much when we were babies and now it’s our brother’s turn. and i get that. i really do. i know i got attention when i was a baby and i can’t deny that. i know it wouldn’t have been fair or healthy or whatever to neglect him in favor of me / us. but also… i was FOUR!!!!! i was too little to understand what the politics of attention meant. and it just kind of fucking sucks that she’s holding that against me NOW too (as she said multiple times today / tonight) like saying scornfully that i was always so jealous of him and she doesn’t understand why i needed attention so badly since i never had undivided attention in the first place as a twin. like… i was a little kid. what did you expect me to do just like magically not need attention anymore and understand that the baby gets all the attention and go busy myself somewhere. idk. i feel entitled / selfish for saying it WHICH IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM like that video tape literally documents whatever mental issues i have now emerging… like me learning that i wasn’t important anymore and that when i sought attention i was just getting in the way and being annoying. lol

AND…. on top of all of this… sitting down with my mom and siblings and showing the videos and laughing over it and inviting their laughter even though it hurts to watch and it hurts to laugh at it and to hear them laughing… my mom’s focus in WATCHING these videos 20 years later is almost ENTIRELY on my brother!!!!!!! STILL!!!!! like the whole reason i had the clips i had was to… idk. trace the genesis of my mental illness and she wasn’t even paying attention to that she was just cooing over my brother. and when i told her why i was watching these / attempted to point out the patterns she got exasperated with me for overanalyzing everyrhing and navel gazing etc etc to an unhealthy degree. i fucking give up lol

it feels stupid selfish etc etc to be spiraling abt this and i usually don’t make long multi paragraph posts but like. god. this was a mistake. i never should’ve done this. it happened with the whole coming out day snapchat story thing too among other episodes. every time i dig up a thing from the past that she did that hurt me and try to explain it in retrospect she never changes her tune or comforts me or expresses any understanding or anything. she just doubles down on what she said / did before that hurt me so bad and it hurts me all over again. it could’ve been so much worse and the experience of adjusting to having a new sibling is universal and not a big deal in the slightest but it was a big deal for me. i so clearly took it hard and needed attention from my fucking mom!!! and that wound is still raw and now ive ripped it wide open again. scared little girl moment

#purrs #delete later #like. i think the worst part is just… there is no one coming to save me. i am never ever ever going to get the comfort i needed back. it can #only come from a parent and both of my parents are emotionally unavailable and think im being ridiculous. and now i am an adult and im #supposed to be able to comfort myself or not even need comfort at all but i just need a hug. i can’t comfort myself out of this. no one i #know now or will ever know in the future can comfort me out of this. it has to come from a parent and mine don’t understand. so im just #in the psychic prison. like what a spectacular failure that just was. tfw you are denied catharsis from one of the most consistent painful #threads of your life and you have to cope with that but you have 1.5 hrs of podcasts to listen to and a 3 page paper to write and #work tomorrow and no therapy until late september 😻👍

[sketchdeath]

thinking about how i legitimately have a learning disability that was never ever caught despite [insert all the horrors] and now im an adult who has barely an elementary school childs basic grasp of math 😐🤨‼️👍

#slipping thru the cracks like water #sorry i just had a random memory of like. all the times thruout my entire life that i just. couldn't do it and thought that i was going to #grow up to be a failure. #debatable rn to be honest‼️👍 #mine #i feel like i cant even talk about how little i know too. i feel like ill be ridiculed. because i have been lol! #yes ive made the effort to learn yes i went to tutoring. i just got pushed aside the majority of times because well. lol. i was coasting. #and now even doing basic math makes me actually legitimately panic. its like im reverted back to trying to do it in school and not being #able to. #i can not do mental math. i can only do some very basic stuff #i can not read fractions or decimals #i can not read big numbers #it is difficult for me to count things in a row especially if those things are very similar #i can not properly measure time or estimate the time it takes for me to get ready/leave for things. i have to plan things in advance to #extreme lengths #cant calculate a tip on the fly. very bad at estimating that. have to preplan. #struggle with coming up with how much things will cost when put together/estimating cost #super fun stuff that makes me feel infantalized as an adult 👍

[dragonflute]

once again at that point in the semester where i need someone to hit me over the head to get me to sit down and work on an essay

#personal #😁👍 essays being the reason for my whole 'im never going to finish college im a failure' bullshit each time #i will say this semester is a lot easier on me than last semester tho cuz i had a legit writing class and this is just history

[myriadwaysthatiluvu]

job interview AND dmv test tomorrow

#romeo posting #keep me in your thoughts and prayers #if i fail this test i will kms 👍 simply insane if i went an hour away just to be told im a failure and go home empty handed #IMAGINE IF I DONT GET THE JOB AT THE SAME TIME TOO. I WOULD GO MISSING UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES TBH #but i will succeed. i am nothing if not determined to be successful and happy

[dragpinkman]

wait the pomodoro technique for homework is actually great why did i never try this

#this whole time ive been like “ok time to study the next four hours” then i suffer and get distracted and feel like a failure even tho #barely anyone can study that long with no breaks and pay attention #if anyone is wondering the method is 25min studying 5min break repeat for times totally to 2 hours #if you have more than 2 hours of work take a 30min break then start the method again #idk if everyone already knows this & im behind but its pretty great. doesn't help my brain fog obv but it keeps me more on track for now 👍

[the-kipsabian]

i wrote 86 words today, briniging a three day total to. 900 words. out of 5000 i should have together by the end of today

maybe this was a bad idea lmao

#destined for failure and personal disaster and nothing else 👍 #sorry im like this i should know better lmao #night is an absolute mess on main #nights adventures in nanowrimo

[nagitoedit]

me when im making progress and being productive but in the wrong way. #doomed

i need to do hw. im cleaning my closet finally after years. but hey ive found some of my missing clothes and cleaned up and organized a little bit. still not what i should be doing though.

#i need to drop one of the classes but i feel like a failure for it #im doing so bad mental health wise and most of the day is spent coasting because im always on thin ice #always a millimeter away from a suicidal spiral so like. its hard to do classes to work towards what feels like a false goal and #what feels like a nonexistent future. and my mom is mad at me for not doing 'my best' which is valid because i havent told her that anythin #is bad 👍 because how do you do that. but i think im getting to the limit of like. how far i can go not saying anything #idk being alive just feels like im being cornered . lolzors #also i need an adhd diagnosis and meds. like there has to be something going on but psychiatrists are often useless and expensive #if i started doing like some kind of commission would you commission me. #mypost

[nureyev-steel-institute]

.

#no going to die nor going to kill myself or snyone else👍 #im a decent friend im not a failure and i have plenty of time to do the things i lovw and want to try and im not shitty to talk to or to be #around. people feel alrighr when habging out with me. its literally all fine. #<- chanting affirmations while tesring apart mt fingers with.my teeth

[youaremysunshine-court]

Oh someone found the andreil love letters fic and is being adorable in the comments alert

#i hope they only receive blessings in their life bc its been such a difficult morning i really needed those comments #blues fics #honestly tearing up bc like #hnghhhhhhh #im not a failure #👍

[thickest-slimiest-malware]

I lost a kahoot im being boiled alive

[naes-dairy]

I think the thing that affected me the most as a kid (and considering that I'm still a kid.. I think this sounds bad) is the fact that my parents wouldn't believe me whenever I cried.

I have to think about this.. I don't really want to specify anything like who or why, but...

since they were 'crocodile tears' and I wasn't pouring my eyes out I was obviously faking it.

It just hurt me so much.. and still hurts.

I think it's the reason why I get so scared when someone thinks I'm lying when I'm telling the truth. Mainly a close person too.

I just feel... I don't know. It just hurts so much and j don't know how to make it stop.

What's worse is that my behaviour is just self destructive so I end up proving everyone else right... I wish I could just do better.

be better.

but now, that's just wishful thinking..

#low self esteem #self destructing #idk #i am also gaslighting myself so self gaslighting?? #just.. #i get scared and when i get scared i just stop working. i just run away from my fears and struggle to work on it because im scared of.. #im scared of failing over and over and over #im scared of never getting anything right #i dont want to be a failure #but i already know i am #i identify as a failure #lol #anyways yeah post about why I suck 😃👍 #does this count as trauma? #like childhood trauma or? #yay gaslighting mysef again.. #prolly over reacting or over exaggerating.. #yh. #i suck i guess #expresso the depresso #naes vent posts #ugh #what #what?