#if theyre doing this shit again then maybe i need to emerge from hiding

[cyborg-franky]

hello franky. i hope emergency requests are open because im in a huge need of one right now. if theyre not just ignore.

this has been the shittiest week of my entire life. nothing went right, felt extra su/cidal and anxiety wont leave me alone when im trying to sleep. feeling like the most worthless being ever. my birthday was this week but it got ruined. i lost my appetite and havent eaten for 3 days. i wont be able to celebrate christmas properly because i have alot of college work to do. i feel like im gonna break if anything else happens..

i wish i could get some comfort from kid and killer right now(separate or poly, doesnt matter).. sorry for my english, its not my first language.

thank you in advance<3

I am really sorry this took so long I have been very busy, struggling and sick still. I hope you managed to enjoy the holidays a little at least and I hope things aren't as horrid any more.

I hope these brings you some comfort <3

Killer x Kid x GN Reader [POLY] SFW Word Count: 582

Every time anyone came to the door you simply told them you were sick, something that they might catch and imagine how pissed Kid would be if he caught something. That was usually enough to get people to leave you alone. Kid and Killer knew when you needed a little space, claiming you were sick was always your way of hiding the crushing feelings that had become too much to deal with.

You always lied and said you were sick, too worried about what everyone else was going to say, showing weakness as a pirate was bad right? especially when you held yourself to such standards of being ‘scary’ and ‘intimidating’ like the rest of the crew.

Staring at the ceiling, counting each plank above your head, trying to push all the negative thoughts of your head, the things that bothered you until you couldn’t even manage to pull yourself out the bed, it had maybe been a few days since you’d considered selfcare as basic as a shower.

There was a knock at the door, you sighed and rolled over, back facing the door, you knew it was Killer checking in on you again, you didn’t want to worry him, he was too busy to fuss with the likes of you, least you’d told yourself this.

Another knock at the door, you said and did nothing. There was the sound of voices, muffled behind the wood, you recognised them both, it was Kid and Killer.. You were about to call over your shoulder that you were still feeling sick.

The door splintered in half under the weight of a well-placed kick. You let out a strangled confused sound. Looking over at the now kicked through door, Killer and Kid stepped through, Killer had a bowl of noodles in his hand and a glass of water.

Kid sat on side, the bed shifted sending you a little higher, Killer sitting the other side, balancing it out. You sighed and looked at the floor, you didn’t know how to explain to your partners you were under the weather.

“Eat and drink this” Killer instructed and handed you the glass first, you side eyed it but felt Kid’s intense gaze on you. Downing the water and taking the bowl from Killer, the red-haired man let out a hmp as you’d done as asked.

“You don’t need to tell us what’s wrong, we know your feeling like shit” Killer started, knowing he would have to be the diplomat in this situation.

“We just want you to eat and fucking fuck, shower, want me to hose you down on the deck?” Kid asked with a snort. Killer sending him a hidden look.

“I’ll help you shower” The blond said, his hand running through your locks.

“We ain’t here to baby you, or make you feel bad, just you ain’t shown your face in a few days” Kid muttered, shuffling closer to you slightly.

“What if I want to be left alone?” You asked, eating more of the noodles that had been brought you.

“Come have a shower, get some fresh air with us and if you still feel like shit after we’ll fix your door and just let you have more time” Killer said, his hand rubbing your back softly.

“Just try for us yeah?” Kid mumbled watching you nod your head, a small smile on your lips, the food in your belly was already helping but knowing these two carried about you, it was nice.

TAG LIST:

@slut4animedilfs @acesmarigold @undercoverweeeb @sanjithesimp @flameboyace @rae-vynn

#eustass kid x reader #eustass kid x you #eustass kid x y/n #eustass kid #eustasscaptainkid #massacre soldier killer x reader #massacre soldier killer #killer x reader x kid #pol/y #one piece reader insert #one piece x reader #one piece x you #sfw #gender neutral reader #kid x you #kid x reader #kid x yn #killer x you #killer x reader

[aliaslua]

Ok about those "living with bodyguard turtles" hc, how would the boys react if the human they're protecting (now their best friend, mind you) had feelings for them? Like the human doesnt tell them but it's kind of obvious, theyre pretty bad at hiding it?

omg this is my first request

I received this ask at the exact moment that I submitted my last assignment, so I'd just officially started my college break ... The perfect way to start my rest *chef's kiss*. Thank you so much for the suggestion! <3 I was craving some angst. I hope you enjoy! it’s also kinda long LOL I was trully excited

you can read the first part here

Leonardo

It happened one day while he was helping you in training. The whole family was already used to your presence, you and Leo trained together every day and he loved it. He thought it was really cool to keep up with your performance and he was so proud of your increasing dedication and persistence, even on the days when the training was hard.

On that specific day he had decided to give you a break, since the training the day before had been heavy. Everything seemed absolutely normal until the moment when he needed to help you with a yoga posture and although you barely started the exercises, he realized that your heart was beating fast, very fast. Strange, he thought, but when he looked at your face and realized that you blushed, he also became overly aware of his own hands on your waist and how close your faces were. Suddenly, you broke contact with his eyes and walked away abruptly. "I'm not feeling well" you said "Maybe tomorrow."

Leonardo stood in the training room with a huge question mark in his face. Were you… nervous? During training? Why? You had been training together for months and it wasn't the first time that you needed support for a posture and…

The next few days are like a nightmare. Suddenly you decide that you prefer to train alone. Then you make up an absurd excuse for not watching the movie on wednesday. You don't talk to him, you don't train together, it's almost like you disappeared from his life. It's too much. One day during breakfast he asks you a direct question, but you simply decline the invitation while still avoiding looking at him. A horrible silence is in the air when you leave the kitchen without even finishing your breakfast.

"What did I do?" Leo asks, clearly hurt. His brothers look at him in disbelief. "Are you kidding?" Donnie asks. "What?" That's all the oldest brother can answer. "She's into you, moron." Raph responds, clearly irritated.

The realization runs through him like an electric current. Is that why you are avoiding him? What it means "you are into him"? Like… Are you in love? You? No way. You were his pupil! The first student he had, more like a life partner, a housemate. He never thought that someone like you could ... Him? It's too much for him. He needed to sit down.

"It looks like your intuition isn't that good huh, your stallion!" Mikey jokes.

The next are sleepless nights. Suddenly everything makes sense. How you smiled when he brushed your hair off your face, how you asked him to stay by your side when you couldn't sleep, how you insisted that the training should be longer, he always had interpreted all that as a sign of friendship, but now he felt completely naive. And to think that you could feel like that for someone like him ... It changed everything. What did that mean? He missed you. Missed you a lot. Seeing you so distant made him suffer in a way that only seemed logical now that he realized that perhaps his own feelings were the same. His head is spinning. Perhaps…. Maybe you could...

No. Absolutely not. The mission was clear. He had a single duty, to protect you. And he was going to complete the mission even if you spent the rest of your time together without looking at him again, no matter how much it hurt. Nothing was going to stop him from keeping you safe, not even his own feelings.

Raphael

It happened that morning while he was working out. You had just read “Emma” and it was the last book by Jane Austen that was missing for you to complete the bibliography. You sighed at the romantic ending but he hit the punching bag with an overly aggressive stance.

"We have to stop reading that shit." He said, suddenly. "Why?" You asked, surprised "I thought you liked it." "I like it. It's just ... it's kind of depressing for me." "What do you mean?" He stopped punching. Still with his back to you, you could see him adjusting his hand-bands. "Ah, come on, Shorty ... You know that none of this will ever happen to me." He threw a punch that made you jump "It hurts ... to know what it could be." "What do you mean, it's never gonna happen to you?" You asked honestly. He could hear in your voice that you were incredulous. "Cut the crap, Y / N." He turned, annoyed. "Look at me!" "I AM looking." you said, standing up "All I see is a caring, kind, gentle man and the day you fall in love with someone I know that you will be the most loving and dedicated partner and that person will be the luckiest in the world." You closed your mouth as if you had just said cursed words. Across the room, Raphael was stiff and speechless. Suddenly, the Lair' alarm went off. He went to join the brothers in silence, an emergency demanded his attention.

That night, Raph didn't come back home. He spent the night sitting on the edge of a building looking out over the city, mesmerized by your words.

It may be hard to believe, but Raphael is always very aware of his own emotions. That's why he is always so angry, that's why he cannot contain the urge to fight. He feels everything deeply. You didn't have to say anything else. It was as clear as day for him. He knew that was an unplanned declaration of love, he knew you were trying to hide it and you couldn't, and he knew it was too late now. He also knew he felt the same way. And he knew you could never be what his heart desired.

In his deepest fantasies, Raph would return home, lift you up around the waist and swear eternal love, just like in the books. And he would be yours, from then on and forever and you would never be alone, afraid or sad again. He would spend the rest of his life doing everything to make you the happiest person in the world.

But he also knew that it would never be possible with a man like him. He, who couldn't give you a decent home, the wedding you deserved, couldn't give you a family... - Fuck - He couldn't even meet your family. You would be forever unhappy, stuck with a monstrous and impetuous man and for that reason, he needed to work out the kindest way to reject your affection, knowing that it would be the most difficult thing he would have to do in life.

Donatello

Donnie wasn't prone to false modesty. He knew without a doubt that he had a deductive ability beyond average and he knew that he had enough knowledge to always reach the most likely conclusions. Why, then, could he not get it out of his head that you felt something for him that wasn't limited to a mere friendship?

He was working in the lab and couldn't stop thinking about all the obvious signs. Once again he redid the list of symptoms in his head: You had stopped reading alone in your private room they had built for you and now whenever you could, read by his side while he worked on the computer. Okay, nothing suspicious, a friendly, normal, expected gesture. But then there was that day when he stopped typing for a second and when he looked at you, you were staring at him. Clearly! He even saw it when you turned your face back to your book, in a pathetic attempt to pretend you weren't completely absorbed in watching him. That was strange. Okay, okay. Just one more event, it didn't indicate anything. So there was that night when everyone was watching a horror movie and you hugged his arm after a jumpscare, you guys stared at each other for a few seconds and he thought he saw you... blushing? Not to mention that now during your weekly debate sessions you seemed very giggly, very self-conscious, maybe even shy ... You had started to avoid direct eye contact with him and he realized with disbelief when your body language indicated attraction. Yes, yes ... He had ignored it the first few times but the way you smiled, the way you tilted your neck, how you approached him... Was he going crazy ???

Two hypotheses floated in his mind. The firs: he was going crazy, hallucinating and that was why he was seeing things and all the obvious signs that you were… interested in him were just the crazy dream of an unbalanced man. Or ... Well, or you really had developed a real and palpable romantic desire and you were so caught up in that urge that you couldn't hide it.

He narrowed his eyes again. No, no. Certainly not. You? No way. It didn't make sense from an instinctive and evolutionary point of view (why would you have that urge? You weren't even of the same species) and from a subjective, spiritual point of view, well ... Why would you like someone like him? You were beautiful, intelligent, clearly had an exceptional capacity for conversation and aside from that brief moment in your life, when you would finally have your freedom back, surely you would have no difficulty in finding a partner being such a wonderful, kind person, loving and…

He was no longer paying any attention to the viral sample he had placed under the microscope. He felt his own heart sink. If you really liked him then ... So does that mean ... That he had a chance? That he no longer needed to hide his intentions, his desires? That he could finally confess and that you would say ...

Someone knocked on the door. It was you. Sleepy and in pajamas, you still looked wonderful. "Donnie, can I sleep here?" "Of course, dear."

You smiled slightly, your eyes still half closed with sleep. He saw you lying on the couch, you fell asleep right away. He continued to look at you, so peaceful and impassive... He came to the only possible conclusion: It could never happen. You deserve affection, security, stability. A peaceful life with someone who cared for you, not someone who constantly put you at risk ... Someone who wasn't like him. Donatello looked away from your face, thinking it might lessen the pain. He knew that, in that case, the most rational option was to pretend that he had never deducted anything.

Michelangelo

"So... What are you going to do?" Leonardo asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had been established between the brothers. On the other side of the lair, you were sleeping.

"I do not know!" Mikey almost screamed before he remembered that you couldn't wake up, no way "That's why I'm asking!"

“Well… she clearly likes you. We all agree." Donnie concluded. "Yes" Leonardo shook his head. "Yeah ..." Raphael was staring at the brothers. "... And if you break her heart we'll all beat you up."

They all laughed, except Mikey. That was precisely the problem.

"It's not funny ..." The youngest of the brothers said, sitting on the kitchen table chair. Everyone understood that this was a serious situation when Michelangelo rested his head in his hands and again plunged into meditative silence.

He would never forget the day you sat with him on the couch and asked him to ...Chill a little. Never. Not because he was hurt, no ... You had been kind and caring and he had been very happy to know that you felt comfortable opening up to him that way. And if there was one thing he didn't want to be, it was overwhelming. So he did what you asked, he stopped flirting, stopped talking nonstop, stopped with intrusive questions ... And everything seemed perfect!

You were the best friend he could have. You laughed at his jokes, went out with him to tag abandoned cars, you ate pizza on the roof, played pranks on your brothers. Everything was great! You were everything to him and he knew that he felt much more than brotherly love for you. He always knew. But he had made a promise, he had promised that he would no longer crush you with his feelings ...

But things started to escalate. You started sharing intimate secrets, sharing dreams. During movie nights you laid on his shoulder and every day you cooked something new and brought it to him while he was playing video games. One day - that damn day - Raphael teased you and said “My my, what a beautiful couple” and Michelangelo almost had a heart attack when instead of emphatically replying that you weren't a couple or anything like that you just… Smiled and looked away. WHAT? WHAT KIND OF REACTION IS THAT? Mikey still remembered the unbearable heat he felt on his face that day when you just SMILED when you heard someone suggest you were his.

Since then, he only thought about one thing: "How can I reject her?"

The sadness in everyone's eyes was clear.

"Maybe you guys deserve a chance, Mikey." Leo suggested.

"But how?? Tell me, Leonardo, for God's sake, how am I going to make that woman happy? Huh! I have NOTHING to give. Nothing to add, to offer! I… I am literally a sewer monster… It will be a matter of time before she regrets, and how would I move on afterwards? ... "

"Mikey… ” Raphael started to speak, but was interrupted by his brother:

“You know what… You are right. It's time to grow up. This is a stupid dream. And it will never come true… ”

A gentle reminder that English is not my first language so if you see any grotesque grammatical errors, please let me know! <3 Thank you for reading

#tmnt #tmnt imagine #bayverse tmnt #imagine #bodyguard #fluff #angst #tmnt leonardo #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt Raphael #TMNT Donatello #requests are open #ask

[tobacconist]

my house got hit with a nasty strike of bad luck last night, all at once, i think around one o clock till about half past; i blame the full moon in scorpio (i believe saturn, venus, and pluto were retrograde at the time too. not sure if they still are)

i didnt feel like writing it at the time because i was too upset

had a really good day before then too. dads been depressed recently and wed sat out in the sunshine n had a smoke n laugh. we played dominoes later on.

ill say it started with my dad gettin absolutely wankered, like really fuckin drunk n stoned, the kind of wankered where you think youre completely fine but you aint and you wont listen to anyone telling you to sit the fuck down or go to bed

anyway, mum went to bed about 11, told us both to get to bed early (because she is the only sensible person in this house) dad said he was going soon after he’d finished his wine (like he does every night) but he filled his glass a few more times and stayed up.

eventually he went to bed, i told him not to keep coming down to pester me and that id go soon after. of course he came down a few times (its like an incredibly unfunny farce every night) to eat crisps and drunkenly ask me why i wasnt in bed ‘give me some fuckin peace and i’ll likely go to bed sooner!’ i said its a farce

i was trying to think about designing an expanded dominoes set which also functions as a jenga set, and perhaps could be used as some kind of analog calculator a bit like an abacus. i was looking up variations on the game of dominoes and thinking about the esoteric significance of the game

of course i couldnt think about it in peace for long, cus dad came down once again to ask me why i wasnt in bed yet ‘because you wont let me have any fucking peace to think!’ i said ‘the sooner you go to bed the sooner i go to bed!’ it really is like this every fuckin night

‘alright, alright, im going to bed. dont be too long’ he said.  then i heard the dog coming down the stairs ‘fuck sake! dont wake mum up for fuck sake, she’ll come down and yell at both of us!’ i thought then he said (to the dog) ‘oh, do you need a wee?’ n then i got a real bad feeling that i couldnt really place, like everything was going to suddenly go wrong.

i hide his wineglass because for fuck sake if he comes back downstairs im not gonna get any peace hes bumblin around makin a load of noise, then he shuts the door so i presume the dogs inside.

then he comes to me! asking me where the dog is, i say ‘didnt you just let him out? is he inside?’ he shouts to my poor mother, who is just trying to sleep ‘is the dog up there with you!’ she yells back ‘NO! YOUVE JUST LET HIM OUTSIDE YOU STUPID BASTARD!’ or words to that effect. she’s really angry and im like ‘hhhhhhhhhh fuck sake’

i start panicking, for personal insane paranoid reasons (basically a picture of my dog taken that day had a strange lense flare from the sun that, sorta, yknow in the film the omen where they take a picture but theres a weird streak on it and then later the person gets impaled by a huge steel beam. looked sort of like a downward swung scythe to me. praying its just the light, but yeah i got really paranoid.) so i was suddenly like ‘holy shit holy shit is something going to happen to my dog’, i grab my torch and sprint into the garden with my shoes on the wrong feet. i hear my dog suddenly yelp and im genuinely prepared for the worst.

mum had come downstairs now and was yelling like fuck at my dad, who was barely lucid, like, not even understanding why she was angry, and that jus made her angrier)

thankfully, my dog was okay. hed found a hedgehog in the garden, once again, and was once again trying to beat it up and play with it.  i grab his collar and send him back inside. i look at the hedgehog. its all curled up, and i can see that its bleeding. its breathing still though, breathing really heavily. i half cover my torch so as not to frighten it any more and watch it for a bit.

i go back into the kitchen and my mum asks whats wrong, i hesitate for a moment and then tell her dog was being nasty to a hedgehog. i should tell you that hedgehogs are my mums favourite animals, she collects ornaments and paintings of hedgehogs. she really loves them

i dont really know what to do, so i go to the fridge and get an egg and crack it half open, i go back outside and leave it nearby. i notice that mums come outside too, and she asks where it is. i dont want to scare it anymore by getting too close so i just shine the torch on it for a few seconds and point out where its bleeding.

we go back inside, now both feeling really sad. dad is wandering around the house demanding to know where his wine glass is not at all aware of whats happened. mum says shes gonna go for a cig and then try to go back to bed.

i shut the dog in the back room with the curtains closed, i only do that when hes really bad. was too sad even to yell at him. left him in there on his own for atleast an hour an d a half. really disappointed in him. i hope he realises what he did was bad, and i hope he never does it again. hedgehogs are friends.

i went into the living room and sat down and had a drink. dad was still wandering round looking for his wine glass. i say ‘you know the dog just really hurt a hedgehog’ he says ‘dont tell me that right now, i dont want to hear it. where have you put my wine glass!??’ hes just madly looking around calling me a thief, i tell him i havent stolen it, just moved it, but hes drunk too much anyway’ this is another another weekly farce.

he finds it eventually, and sits down. my mum comes in the room now, and i can tell she’d been crying. she says maybe we should put it in a cardboard box or something, i say i dont want to disturb or traumatise it anymore, and it wouldnt want to be in our house anyway. we discuss it for a while, dad keeps making suggestions about what takeaways are open or something because hes half asleep and not actually listening to what were saying.

eventually we decide that i’ll check on it in a few hours to see if its still there or dead or what and if its still alive then i’ll put it in a box and see if we can take it to the vets in the morning (not likely, since theyre only open for emergencies atm)

she goes to bed, dad goes a little while after, still smugly talking about how i should be in bed and mumll be upset if im up to late, cus hes completely out of it

then, just as i put youtube on to distract myself, the internet goes down for like 15 minutes.

i jus sit there refreshing the page. it comes back on after a little while.

i idly browse but cant enjoy anything. i think about writing a tumblr post about it (as i am doing now) but it feels wrong at the time.

i open omegle and tell the first person who’ll listen jus to get it off my chest, theyre very kind, and then we idly chat about some shit. i start to feel better.

then i go have a look in the garden; the hedgehog is gone and the egg is unfinished. i dont know if that means a fox got it, or whether it shuffled away somewhere to die or if it was ok and it wandered off thinking ‘never fucking ever coming to this garden again!’ hopefully the last, but thats still sad. i know hedgehogs are pretty resilient animals. i hope it was okay

i let the dog out of the room about 2 because he started scratching at the door. i didnt say anything i just sent him up to bed. he had an ashamed face. i hope he never does it again.

then i stayed on omegle all night until about 6am. stupid thing to do but i felt better after a while. 

i feel the evil energy was gone in the morning. the moon has begun to wane and moved into sagittarius. mum seems alright. dont know if dad remembers anything from late last night. im feelin okay, jus real hungover. drank a lot more than i meant to

dont think im gonna proof read this so it might be a bit rambling. jus wanna get it off my chest

#long #long post #jus a string of bad luck all together

[gangtheway]

42 45 50 gogogo

42. do you prefer gazing wistfully out the window or lying dramatically over the sofa?

i do both simultaneously. but given that im sitting all day at work, i flop on couches like no other. then slep.

45. favorite pajamas?

some kinda sweatpant/pj pant with pockets (not flannel unless its actually cold out) and a tshirt from somewhere that was giving out free tshirts at some point in my life.

shirt n socks optional depending on temperature

50. what’s your dreamhouse? 

i am constantly flip flopping between extravagant mansion with hidden passages and secret rooms/ small house within walking distance to a supermarket where i can just lock myself in, emerging only for supplies on an annual basis.

but see a big house is harder to clean and also im gonna be living alone and at that point the only upside is the acoustics of a big house for dramatic speeches to a dog.

definitely needs a slot for mail and packages. maybe a smart fridge so i stop eating spoiled food. roomba for cleaning up. A/C and heater is a must. black-out curtains bc fuckt he sun.

aaaa i want a library even though i havent read an actual book in YEARS. mostly so i can hide doors behind bookshelves. Oh. I could put a whole fucking maze behind bookshelves just for funsies since this is a dream house. I will build a hidden labyrinth for brooding and also maybe so when i die no one can find my body until a couple of intrepid teens happen upon it years later and go on an adventure.

oh you know what lets put a big ol tv in here somewhere for games. and like 50 really good computers incase i break one. homeless people can come into the computer room and use them. there’s free laptops and phones for them too. they came with the house shhh. there’s a 3d printer.

one room has the entire library of alexandria in it. i saved it by making a time paradox and now its in my house that can be filleld with literally anything. i cant read any of them though bc im dumb. so there’s like a scientist chilling in my house too i guess.

one room opens to space. just as an option. yes there is an endless vacuum behind this door and yes it will kill me instantly but its fuckign SPACE. i can shoot shit through a vacuum tube to go into space too. i shoot all my embarrassing poetry adn art into space and the aliens make a religion about them. im the 7th grade god now.

oh yeah theres a room filled with money. actually its a corridor full of doors that lead into the bank accounts of the rich. like the physical versions of them. i use this corridor to become robin hood and finally find fulfillment in life. i steal all the crown jewels and send them to their countries of origin. OH and also doors into museums. im gonna do crimes of culture. save the cultures. give them their art back. and leave a calling card with just a crude drawing of a dick at the museum. i become known as the cock crusader but SURPRISE i didnt have a cock this whole time its the perfect crime.

theres another room thats a straight up time machine. i go into the past and un-birth hitler. i seduce his mom/dad/grandpappy and then also matchmake them to randos. i proceed to appear at various points in history as a mythical creature. i m the mothman i predict the tragedies now.

i have a room of spiders. i throw my enemies in there. i dont really have any enemies yet. i hope one day i will so i dont waste the spider room.

theres probably a pool somewhere too. it’s filled with the cure for all disease but it doesnt work unless you have less than 1 million dollars of material wealth. i dont make the rules. the pool does.

at least one room is noneuclidean. i dont know how it works either so take it up with god

theres a room with real pokemon. no mr mimes though bc he freak me out. tbh its mostly pikachus bc im basic af with my faves and pikachu herds sound adorable and i will die.

another room is like. a room where you go and talk to people who died. not like a dedicated ouija room. thats in the bomb shelter. no like you sit at a table and their soul just floats on over and theres a hologram and everything.

i have a ton of robots. theyre all vaguely sexy. they make me uncomfortable but i am irresponsible with my power

one room has a megaphone. when you speak into it it doesnt make any noise but instead it beams your voice into the mind of who youre thinking of. i use it to brighten the days of my friends and destroy the psyches of my enemies. still dont have any enemies yet. would it be overkill to do this in addition to the spiders?

there is an attic filled with mannequins. this is my nightmare room. i never go there and i pretend it doesnt exist. when someone wanders in there, their heads follow their movement wordlessly. they dont do anything but its really unnerving and no one likes it.

there is a completely soundproof room that i go into and make whatever noises i want. no one can hear me here. i practice doing accents where no one can hear how bad and ashamed i am. even with no one else listening, i get self-conscious. this room is now the Screaming Room for makign stress noises in.

one room is filled with conversation starter cards and a mirror. i go here and study often. the cards ask me about my childhood traumas and i burn them. the room is now a room for pep-talks. i get self-conscious halfway through the peptalk and walk out, dejected. why is talking so hard.

one room opens into a ranch. it’s where we put all the shelter pets. there are therapy areas for them so they learn love and be loved again. they run in large open areas and are happy and fuzzy and clean and full. it’s staffed by people who know how toactually take care of animals. i go there sometimes to get swarmed by big ol dogs and big ol cats and so many fuzzy babies. then i go to the allergy removal room bc i didnt think that through.

there’s a never-ending food room. i dont know where it comes from or how fully-prepared food just appears like that. world hunger is ended and im still a lazy shit and forget to eat more than a single tortilla. the food doesnt make you sick or unhealthy its just good food that tastes good and feels good and is good. there is maybe an onion corner and i dont acknowledge its existence aside from the occassional glance.

theres a dumb bitch dungeon for the people i have a one-sided hatred for who ruin life for the entire planet. it shoots off into space. they get dissected and analyzed by aliens. the aliens decide to never come to earth bc jfc is this really what yall do. a small price to pay. maybe other aliens might come and be chill. i have a room for the aliens just in case.

theres other houses for people i care about and a few more for those i dont yet know that i care about. no rent. just a place to live and be happy. its filled with friends and happiness and i really want this eldritch abomination of a house now.

im v sleepy OH YEAH AND A RLY BIG CRAFT ROOM

#answerin asks #this got outta hand #dream house means dream house which means literally limited by my imagination adn the depths of my psyche #we dont talk about nightmare room it is a bad dream and thats all there is to say #rambleramble #poketoa #asked n answered

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 196

Next day

Cammie

I cried in the shower this morning. I cried changing Caden's diaper. I cried after crying because I couldn't believe I was crying. It's crazy even to me. Now I'm thinking about it and feeling like I'm going to cry.

"Jay, did you pack?" Trey asks. I sniff. "Jayla, come on, Love. You said you could do this. Why you making it hard?"

"I sorta think you don't have an attachment to our son."

He rolls his eyes. "We both know why it's easy for me and not easy for you. Has nothing to do with how much we love our son. Jayla it's not even that long. They only have enough breast milk for 48 hours. So it’s impossible for you to stay away for more than a day."

"48 is 2 days."

"They need extra in case of an emergency or theyre wasteful. So really about 30."

I sigh. "I can't be you."

He picks up a bag. "You don't have a dick, you short, and you cry too fucking much. You sure as hell can't be me. Are these your clothes?"

"I figured if it's a day, I won't need clothes."

"Jayla." he says sternly. "We are leaving in 2 hours."

I fall on the bed. "April is not even here."

"Rollie is taking them to April. You know that."

"I think my baby's first plane ride should be done with me."

"Exactly why we are leaving in 2 hours instead of at the end of the day. Cammie, you acting like a brat. We went over all of this. Were you crying too hard?"

I stand up and go get my bag out of the closet. "Maybe. I need some reason to say no."

"Camille! We are going..."

"Tremaine stop yelling." I snap.

He blows. "Im headed to the airport."

I come out the closet. "Already?"

"I can't be here with you going through... Whatever this is. What are you carrying?"

"My clothes." I say dropping the bag then kicking it. "Enough for 2 days."

"You have clothes in VA. 3 days."

I swat him off. "I can wear the same outfit."

He gets really mad. "No, the fuck you can't. What the fuck?"

"I... Whoa now. What is your problem?"

"You not married to no fucking clown. Ain't no way the wife of Trey Songz is going to be seen anywhere with an outfit she fucking wore two days before. What the fuck are you trying to do? Give the fucking blogs some A1 shit to fucking talk about? Fuck no. You put 4 fucking outfits in that bitch after talking like that."

I sit on the bed and cross my arms. "I don't want to go anymore."

"I can't believe that shit. I must be broke as fuck or fucking stingy as a bitch. Hell no."

"I have 3 outfits. Shut up." I say resting my head on the bed.

Trey grabs the bag then checks it. He goes back out of the door. I'm going to just sit here and cry again. I get out of bed to go get Caden so I can snuggle with him. I never usually bother him while he is sleeping.

"Aye, don't even try that nigga. When the last time a song of yours was played twice in the same day? Centuries ago. Back before Benjamin Franklin. He wasn't even a president."

"Why are you running your mouth in here?" I snap standing in front of Trey.

He laughs really hard then grabs my waist. "Not even. No. Aye, what's your name again?"

I push him off of me. He kisses my cheek really quick then he walks away laughing. He so fake. Ain't shit that funny on that phone. Him and his friends annoy me. They will go without talking for months then plan to do something and talk for hours in the days coming up to the event. I bet any amount of money he talking to J. Cole.

"Mommy." Lane cries.

"In there. Don't wake Caden up. Yo? Caden not big enough to talk... What?"

Lane stomps into the room. "Mommy." he says like he angry.

I turn to him. "Lane, how may I help you?"

"Nanma coming?"

"Rollie is taking you to Grandma."

He sticks as much of his head as he could into the rails of the crib. I push his face back. He could really get stuck like that. He falls out on the ground. No crying. No nothing. He just lies there. That fellow is a mess. I look at him until he looks at me. I raise my eyebrows then smile. He jerks his body away to hide his smile.

"You are so cute, Lane. I love you."

"Love you." he says.

He always forgets whatever is going on when I tell him I love him. He makes sure he tells me back. I pick Caden up out of the crib. Lane's face was right there watching. He was looking like I was doing wrong. He was waiting for Caden to cry. He was sure he would. I kiss Caden then take him to the rocking chair. Lane follows.

"Mommy, Nana coming?"

"Yes, Grandma April coming to the car to pick you and Caden up."

"Caden go to grandma house?" Lane asks worried.

I smile. "Yes."

He puts the blanket over Caden. "Caden. Caden sleep?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

I stare at him. "We not starting this. Since when do you ask Why?"

"Cause." he shrugs.

"Okay, Lane. Want to share my lap?"

He starts climbing. "Yes."

I put Caden on my shoulder and help Lane into my lap. He wanted to lay down as well. He didn't want to simply sit on my lap. I start rocking with both of them. Surprisingly, Lane lies there then he starts talking random ass talk. I don't know what he talking about. He not expecting an answer so I let him talk. Trey looks into the room then he grabs a bag by the door. I'm being a bad mom. I didn't pack nothing for either of the boys. Not one thing. Trey has done everything. I'm sure he had help from April.

"Ma, call her yourself. Why?" Trey sucks his teeth then appear back in front of the door. "Where is Caden's insurance card?"

"Why?" I snap.

He disappears. "Why? Cause what? Fuck if I know, April. Oh."

I chuckle. I know why. Just being a bitch. I don't want Caden or Lane to go. This is why it was a good thing for me to keep my baby to myself. I was worst with Lane. Hell I took my fucking infant to Europe. Who does that?

"Jay, just in case Caden needs to go to the doctor. Do we have one for Caden?"

"Is he on your insurance?"

Trey comes all the way in the room staring at me. "Jayla, stop. What do you use... Don't worry about it. I'll look online."

"It's in the baby bag already."

"I changed baby bags."

I raise my eyebrows. "Do you put the clear bag with fingernail clips and stuff back?"

"Yeah."

"Then it's in there."

"Why the fu... You could have said that." he shakes his head walking out. "I swear. The shit I deal with."

I rock my babies.

  Amber

"I have absolutely nothing to do."

"Why did you come to Chicago then?" Chris snaps scratching his balls in the middle of the floor.

I shake my head. "You are not cute."

He smells his hand then turn up his nose. "I'm not fresh either."

"Shut up."

"Why you came to Chicago? Tell me."

I lay back on the headboard. "I had something to do. I did it duh. Plus I wanted to surprise you, dumbass."

"Your ass lying."

"Christopher."

"Maurice Brown... Anything else your lying ass got to say?"

I laugh. "What are you talking about? I was thinking we smoke a blunt."

"What happened to you cleansing your damn body?"

"You know how hard it is to eat right and not drink or smoke?"

He shrugs then starts walking to the bathroom. "Cammie does it all."

I chuckle and cross my legs in the air. "Cammie is a perfect ass bitchy goody two shoes. I done said fuck her for a while. Anyway."

"But she does it." he snaps.

"Oh, shut up. Bitter." I say reaching to the end table where I had weed for him.

I scream. He had jumped on the bed scaring the shit out of me. I slap his side. He puts his hand over my face. I fight with him. It was hard as fuck to get his hand off of me. I scream thinking that would get him to get off me. He just laughs. I dig my nails into his side. He only moves out of the way. How the hell he can be so far away yet still touch me. I give up. He continues laughing.

"You smell my balls?"

"Awwwh." I scream fighting him again.

He laughs then moves. "You scared of a little dick and booty on your face?"

"You fucking nasty."

"Huh?" he says coming back to the bed.

I look at him then try to hide my face. It looks like this nigga wiped his hand under his stank ass balls again. He grabs my arm. I scream and kick him then jump off of the bed. He laughs really hard. He so dramatic. He holds his stomach and throws his head back. I run and jump on the bed then jump on him.

"Fuck!" he yells as we both hit the floor. "Bitch."

"Motherfucking bad ass bitch."

He tries to put his hand in my face again. I smack it out of the way. He drops it to the ground and take a deep breath. I fucking won. He puts his hand to his face then drop it again. He had put the blunt back in his mouth. I kiss his face as he lies there with the blunt between his lips. He chuckles.

"You still a bitch." he says.

"Yeah yeah."

He sits up making me back up. He falls back like he didn't have no energy. I watch him. He flicks a lighter lighting the blunt. I grind on him. He blows the smoke at me. I mean I have been not drinking and all that but I'm just not feeling it. I feel like your mind has to be fully committed to something for it to benefit you. I'm just stressing myself out trying to live life like someone else. It's just not me. It's not us. We don't do either.

"So you stop smoking and I'll get back on my cleansing."

"What's wrong with weed?"

I snatch it out his mouth. "Tobacco."

He chuckles. "Oh. Well..."

"You are not even supposed to be smoking if you detoxing from liquor anyway. That's why you can't stick to that either."

"I drink less than I used to."

I roll my eyes. "Trey does it."

He laughs. "Bullshit. Shut up. He never smoked cigarettes like I do. Fuck Trey..."

"You want to?"

"Fuck my fucking brother?"

"Technically..."

He gets in my face. "Technically, shit. You know what I was saying any fucking way. Get your stank ass off me."

"That's how you feeling?" I laugh pushing him back.

"You know what I'm feeling?" he blows smoke in my face. I shrug. "You cool as fuck. I almost felt guilty about being selfish and making you mine. Almost. If I had a bit of that stuff that make you not selfish. I think you perfect. For someone else."

I laugh. "That almost sounded sweet."

"Let's go to Dubai. Remember what happened in Du fucking bai?"

"No." I frown snatching the blunt. "What the fuck happened in Dubai? Between us?"

He lies back. "You know."

I look at his face. "No, Chris, I do not."

"What?" he looks at me. "We fucked in Dubai. I thought you was just fucking with me cause we said we would act like it never happened."

"Chris, we did not fuck in Dubai."

He sits up. "We did. I remember."

"No."

"You weren't too drunk to fucking remember. We were on that yacht with the Olympic sized pool. In the towel room after they left us in the sauna."

I cross my arms. "You remember too many details. Were you even fucking drinking?"

He grabs my wrist and shakes my arms apart. "Come on, we barely drunk anything. We got shit faced after though."

"Christopher that was not me."

"Cammie threw up cause it was her first time on a yacht."

I hit him. "Cammie's ass threw up cause she was fucking pregnant with Lane. She been on a damn yacht with Trey's ass."

"Oh."

"I remember her throwing up. We didn't fuck. We were just..."

"We fucked."

I laugh. "That totally slipped my mind. In the towel room. Oh my gosh."

He chuckles laying back. "It was quick no lie."

"It was like 2 seconds of a fuck. Like a damn movie clip. Bam against the wall dramatically..." I throw my hands up. "Towels falling everywhere. One pump, two pump, three pump... Bang on the cart. Towels everywhere! Bam... Bam against the wall. Dramatic fall on top of towels... Screen cut. Sweating, panting, and dazing into the camera. Wow. Okay let's not tell anyone about. Yeah. Okay. Molly washed down with Hennessy?"

He laughs uncontrollably. "It was not a Molly."

"What the case." I throw my hands up.

"You a bitch yo. I remember it being fly."

"Christopher have you been holding on to that memory? What happened to forgetting the shit?"

He wipes his face. "I'm sitting here sweating from the thought. Forget it why?"

"Cause we agreed."

"I just thought we agreed as in don't fucking tell my fucking girlfriend who bout to come around the corner with Cammie. Best 10 minutes..."

"3."

He grabs my face. "You don't have to be so accurate. In my defense I been waiting for that for a while."

"You a bullshitting lie." I say hitting his arm.

"Sevyn... Amber, Honey, shut the fuck up. I try to treat you like an average ass hoe but you just won't let me."

I stand up. "Am I fucking average?"

"You fucking fine. Perfect."

"Perfectly above average, bitch. Still make you cum in 2 minutes."

"Three!" he spats.

I laugh. "Yeah."

He laughs until he starts coughing with his fucking fucked up lungs. He sits up holding his chest and trying not to cough.

"Breathe bitch." I say hitting his back.

That made his mean ass stop coughing but he comes for me. I hop across the bed out of his way. I slap a balloon across the bed into his face. He smacks it then coughs a little fake cough. I chuckle hitting another balloon. He grabs it.

"Can I stick my dick in this?" he says grabbing his dick and putting the balloon lips to it.

"Are we going to Dubai?"

He shrugs. "If you want. Let's go."

"It's whatever. Stop raping that balloon and come in the shower."

"Don't beg." he says busting the balloon with the blunt.

I suck my teeth. "Really, Chris!"

He shrugs. "That bitch was fake."

[my-ass-is-a-mythical-class]

fic rec thing :))))

The Message | 132k, Teen | shipstiel on ao3

(4:07) okay, but considr this, and hear me out here (4:08) so like, a photobooth u can do with ur pets like there’ll be lil costumes that u can dress them up in, and u can do liek, period costumes and shit with them (4:09) omg, can u imagine, u and ur cat/dog, and theyre in a lil 1800s dress and one of those lace umbrella things omg so cute

(4:15) Why the FUCK are you texting me at four in the morning with this

—

Keith is texted by accident by some idiot one day, and honestly he's not even sure why he responds. Or why he keeps responding. Yet somehow he finds himself drawn in, and okay, so maybe this fool is mildly entertaining after all. Who would've thought.

Forsaken Paths | 4.5k, Teen |  WinterAndLittleBrunettes on ao3

Keith and Lance have been spending more time together, and Keith's noticed his feelings for the Blue Paladin have advanced beyond what teammates should be...

Does Lance feel the same way?

cant buy me love | 8k, General |  jilliancares on ao3

“Just because your teeth can’t handle doing what they’re supposed to —”

“They’re not supposed to! Popsicles aren’t meant to be bitten!”

“All food’s meant to be bitten!” Keith argued, which was absolutely wrong (uh, ever heard of soup?) but still entirely too fun to argue about.

Or:

In which Lance is an ice cream truck driver desperate to find love and Keith is a car mechanic who fixes up Lance's truck better than anyone else ever has.

Letters and Love (Shouldn't Mix) | 1k, Teen | orphan_account on ao3

Sometimes, people bottle up their feelings. Literally.

(Or, in which Lance writes down little thoughts he has about Keith and keeps them in a box where he can hide them away and not think about them. It doesn't work.)

Carpe Diems and Chrysanthemums | 14k, Teen |  Gigapoodle on ao3

Lance falls unimaginably hard for the biker boy with a black mop of hair and terrible Spanish skills. After years of rivalry, bitter acquaintanceship, and eventual friendship, the realization slaps Lance hard, hard enough to settle into his lungs and sap his life away. It's when he coughs up a petal that Lance realizes just how far gone he is.

Lance McClain decides he is going to die.

A Modern Hanahaki Disease AU.

a change of space | 1.5k, Teen |  Crawlingthroughashes on ao3

"I don't want to kiss you," Lance announces quickly, color rising high on his cheeks. "Ok." "I don't." Keith holds his hands up. "Ok." Stupid Keith.

Blue Shells and Comic Books | 70k, Teen |  SonofHades on ao3

Lance has too much time on his hands, Keith doesn't have enough. Lance leans more towards being outgoing and sociable, while Keith keeps to himself and can be mostly unpleasant. Neither think they have anything in common. What they don't realize, however, is that there happens to be a very popular graphic novel that connects them together. Lance happens to be an avid reader and Keith just happens to secretly be the author.

just come to me once | 90k, Teen |  laallomri on ao3 

Lance’s smile widens. He leans forward, and the prickling in Keith’s chest gives way to butterflies, fluttering wildly in his stomach, and oh wow has Lance always had this many freckles, has he always had eyelashes that long, has he—

Lance pokes his cheek, right over the Galra mark. Keith blinks.

“I can’t believe you and your mom have matching face tattoos now,” he says, and it’s so fucking dumb, but it’s exactly the kind of dumb thing Keith has longed to hear, and before he knows what he’s doing he’s surging forward, almost knocking Lance back against Red’s paw, and throwing his arms around him.

In which Keith lives on a space whale, goes on a road trip, and (eventually) gets a boyfriend.

every group chat needs a gryffindor jock | 66k, Teen |  ciitadel on ao3

dontfuckwith: MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS IS A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE OF POP MUSIC AND NEEDS TO DIE

Tinydick: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY YOU LITTLE GREMLIN

Tinydick: I’LL DROP KICK YOU SO HARD YOU’LL GO FLYING INTO THE ORBIT OF FUCKING JUPITER

Tinydick: DOES EUROPA HAVE LIFE UNDER ITS SURFACE

Tinydick: WELL PIDGE IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT

Basically an au where the group meets through the wonders of mutual friends/the internet in a random group chat

Beat Drop - Klance AU | 55k, Teen |  MonsieurDandylionMethod on ao3

Keith works in Allura's flowershop. Lance takes dance lessons with Allura. Keith and Shiro go to the same gym as Lance and Allura... things get angsty and romantic and cute. Hunk owns a bakery and coffee shop. Pidge is off doing (probably illegal) computer hacking for an agency. A band called Voltron re-emerges from the past and the same four kids try out music life again. The whole VLD family ;)

There you go, ten fics at your service (:

#fanfic #fic #fic rec #fanfiction #klance #klance fic #klance fic rec #klance fanfiction #klance fanfic #how the fuck do you tag #oneshot #archiveofourown

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

#blathering

[nezumionice]

HI I JUST GOT BACK FROM A STAR WARS EVENT AND IM ALREADY EXTRA EMOTIONAL BUT I WENT ON INSTAGRAM AND I SAW THIS

MY BRAIN CANT EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY OKAY THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SO HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS THAT CAREERED THROUGH MY MIND AS I WAS SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC: (BEWARE OF LONG, INSANELY MESSY RANT POST UNDER THE CUT. AGAIN. FORGIVE ME. I AM VERY VERY TIRED. it’s been a long day.)

- i took quite a while trying to find tina because i couldn’t spot her iconic hairstyle and then i finally found her and i was like oh my GOD she looks like hope van dyne from ant man with those bangs but SHE LOOKS SO ADORABLE ANYWAYS OHMY TGWFHDGASJDHOW

- whY IS IT SO DARK LIkE EVERYONE IS IN DARk CLOTHES EVEN QUEENIE AND THIS SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

- newt looks exactly the same as when we last saw him and i love it

- okay guys seriously can we appreciate tina and queenie wearing BLACK

- queenie’s hair is the bomb.com

- LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GETTING LETA X THESEUS AFTER ALL FOLKS

- IT TOOK ME A FULL MINUTE TO FIND CREDENCE IN THE CROWD BECAUSE DAMN BOI HE LOOKIN GUD

- again, holy shit THE THEME COLOURS OF THIS MOVIE IS KILLING ME I LOVE IT SO DAMN MUCH ASDFGHJKL

- who the fuck is beside credence and half hugging him because i feel like im going to end up shipping them really hard by the end of the movie

- I LOVE HOW EVERYONE IS ARRANGED HERE IT’S PRESUMABLE ACCORDING TO LOVE INTERESTS BECAUSE JAKWEENIE, (HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM SO EXCITED FOR) NEWTINA, AND THE WAY LETA AND THESEUS ARE POSITIONED LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE PRETTY CLOSE

- AND GELLERT AND ALBUS ARE LIKE OPPOSITE EACH OTHER SO IM ASSUMING THAT SYMBOLISES THEYRE BROKEN, DISTANT RELATIONSHIP HOLY FUCK

- thank god leta is pretty far away from newt

- actually it’s so interesting that newt, tina and leta’s positions form a triangle and it symbolises a love triangle between the three of them, at least until theseus steps in

- ALSO THE TRIANGLE FORMED BETWEEN NEWT, TINA AND THESEUS IS ANOTHER LOVE TRIANGLE EYYYY THIS IS INTERESTING

- oh my god yall now i am ike 200% sure we’re getting a newtina kiss in this movie which is fucking brilliant because the sooner that happens, the sooner they get married and the more newtina content will be in store for us

- ok but i have to admit leta looks fucking amazing here like her hair and her dress are like WOWOOWOW

- credence looks so much better than we last saw him he’s dressed all fancy and shit

- gellert looks so goth and swag i cannot he might as well put on a pair of shades (he reminds me of punk eleven from stranger things s2 lol)

- albus looks so fucking done with everyone’s shit

- the way leta and theseus look at each other tho dammit i think i might end up shipping them too

- my god their actions also hint at their relationship status in the movie like for example, tina looks at newt and newt doesnt see this, but when she looks away, newt looks at her and SHE misses it; that probably means that they both love each other but they think the other doesnt feel the same fUCKING HELL THAT’S SO ADORABLE

- i think we’re going to get a lot of these kind of frustrating, “oh my god just say i love you already” moments between newtina in the movie and i dont think im physically or emotionally ready for that

- OKAY I REWATCHED THE CLIP AGAIN AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST NOTICED THAT TINA HAS DRAPED HERSELF PROTECTIVELY AROUND NEWT’S SUITCASE AND THAT IS OFFICIALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IVE EVER SEEN (I AM SURE NEWT WOULD AGREE)

- the physical contact between jacob and queenie could mean an already established romantic relationship between them and i am damn sure that it’s what we’ll be seeing in the movie

- so. many. romantic. relationships. i. cannot.

- i swear the way theyre dressed looks like they’re at a funeral and i still can’t get over the fact that queenie is in BLACK wtf

- OKAY BUT THE TRANSITION AND THE SMOKEY DEATHLY HALLOWS THO

- THE TITLE REVEAL HAD ME HOLLERING MY THROAT INSIDE OUT

- words cannot express how insanely excited i am for this movie

- i guess we just upgraded from “FBAWTFT” to “FBTCOG” (well, that’s not the brightest name, but i doubt it’s a very bright movie anyway)

- “fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald”... my first thought about this is that we’re definitely going to see a shitload more badass tina on a literal witchhunt for grindelwald and his followers

- if grindelwald escapes prison, i wonder how he does it and maybe that ‘s how our heroes are brought together again??

- okay istg if tina gets hurt newt is gonna flip shit

- OKAY ISTG IF NEWT GETS HURT TINA IS GONNA CUT SOME BITCHES UP

- i had this idea some time ago that since grindelwald was trying to get credence on his side, what if he was hunting for obscurials to make an army of them so that he’d be feared through the wizarding world, since everyone is so terrified of obscurials

- WHAT IF HE ALREADY HAS A SECRET STASH OF THEM SOMEWHERE AND THAT’S HOW HE BREAKS OUT OF PRISON

- oh my god what if gellert was detained in azkaban? that would make sirius the first person to escape from there since grindelwald’s time

- YALL IF GRINDELWALD GETS TO CREDENCE AND LIKE TORTURES HIM OR USES THE IMPERIUS CURSE ON HIM TO MAKE HIM JOIN HIS ARMY BITCH ISTG I WILL STAB SOMEONE

- OMFG WHAT IF macusa knows that grindelwald has been gathering an army of obscurials, so tina and her fellow aurors were tasked to go on a mission to locate these obscurials first and protect them from his influence, AND ONE ONE MISSION TINA FINDS OUT THAT CREDENCE HAS BEEN LIKE POSSESSED OR SOMETHING AND TRIED TO KILL HER (THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE A PRETTY GOOD START TO THE MOVIE)

- imagine her being so distressed about it that she completely overworks herself on the case

- my god so since newt knew that credence was alive, tina would be like “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME” and she’s be mad at him and CONFLICT ENSUES MMMM YESSS

- so much sweet angsty conflict gimme all of it

- or if tina just completely breaks down because she couldnt save credence or something NEWT WOULD COMFORT HER AND THERE WE HAVE A POTENTIAL SETUP FOR A KISS

- omg wait isnt there gonna be wizarding circus in this next movie? and that asian girl beside credence was one of the circus performers right??? SO WHAT IF CREDENCE WAS HIDING OUT IN THIS CIRCUS ALL ALONG?? AND HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER OR SOMETHING??? SHIT I THINK I ALREADY SHIP IT

- what do you think is credence’s role at the circus? is he a performer? what kind? what does he do??

- just LOOKING at newt and tina makes me think of how the first kiss will go. is it a spurr of the moment kiss? a good luck kiss before tina leaves for battle? a grateful, “thank merlin you’re alive” kiss after the battle? a sweet, gentle kiss by a fireplace? a hesitant one where newt makes the first move and pulls back before tina jams her mouth to his?

- i swear we need at least one “i’m so glad you’re safe” reunion embrace between newt and tina okay holy shit

- why do i feel like we are in for a lot of pain, angst and a sprinkle of death in this movie

- but i am also 90% sure gellert will be a way more interesting villain than voldemort will ever be

- okay callum turner looks GOOD as theseus but i will never stop wishing that benedict cumberbatch should have been cast instead

- omg guys the cast is pretty representative this time like we have quite a few POCs

- this movie is going to be SUCh an emotional rollercoaster okay my heart is going to BLEED WITH IT

- it’s going to be deeper, darker, so much more dangerous and i swear i think someone is going to die i am sure of it

- i will emerge from the movie theatre with 9468363649364936400324920347207 new ships and my eyes still pooling with emotion

- wait where’s seraphina

- shit guys if she dies im going to scream

- ok but i really want tina to become like president of macusa or like seraphina’s right hand woman or something,, at least i want her to be the same rank as theseus

- then newt would have bragging rights; “my wife is the president of macusa”

- lmao i brotp ship tina and theseus i can imagine them as drinking buddies

- yall if grindelwald lays a single finger on newt’s case i am going to release all of hell on that man if tina doesn’t do it first

- lmfao i love that everyone is dressed so fancy and then there’s newt who’s just there like “hey guys i’m here in my dusty coat which you’ve seen before because this is the only thing i ever wear” and if that ain’t the most newt thing he’d do

- imagine if recycling clothes is just a bad habit newt has always had, and even after newt and tina get married, the habit is carried alonge, until eventually tina forces him to wear something different every few days because she thinks it’s gross

- imagine adorable husband and wife banters ahh

- also how will newt react to tina’s new hairstyle?

- well dumbledore doesnt look as eccentric as he does in the HP movies hmmm

- and they said he’ll be openly gay in this movie so i’m excited to see how that goes ;))

- we’re in for an interesting reunion of gellert and albus ooooo

well that’s all i have for now it’s like 12am here lmao im exhausted and i havent had dinner. i’m so excited for all the fanfics and fanart im sure some of you are cooking up based on this clip. looking forward to seeing/reading them!!!

FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME OR SOMETHING IF YOU HAVE MORE THOUGHTS YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE, ALL COMMENTS AND OPINIONS ARE APPRECIATED :DD 

#fbawtft #fbatcog #fantastic beasts #fantastic beasts and where to find them #fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald #fuck im so excited #newtina #jakweenie #leta x theseus #credence #newt scamander #tina goldstein #queenie goldstein #jacon kowalski #theseus scamander #leta lestrange #albus dumbledore #gellert grindelwald #dumbledore x grindelwald #where the fuck is percival graves is he dead shit i hope not #seraphina picquery #ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod how i am supposed to wait a year for this #shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

[avasilvugh]

So how do Lena and the kids handle things when Kara gets hurt from a fight with an alien or something?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH WELL

i mean when they’re little, the kids aren’t super duper aware??  and the adults around them keep a p good handle on everything when shit goes down so they usually remain p blissfully ignorant when kara gets hurt

like they get that kara has a sometimes scary job where she has to protect ppl but its like aunt maggie or aunt alex’s jobs and sometimes she walks in the front door moving a little stiffly and sometimes they have to go see her at the deo, sitting under these bright lights that make maia and finn feel a little weird, a little dizzy, a little powerful, and they hurt stella’s eyes (or maybe that’s not why there’s this heavy pounding at the back of her skull?  she’s so little, she doesn’t have words for it) but it doesn’t rlly.....idk sink in??

that said: lena is quietly a Wreck.  bc the kiddos respond to how she responds, she can’t rlly fall apart (not that she ever rlly did??  but she was able to cry abt it and drop everything to rush to the deo and fuss over kara) so she gets v quiet abt it, all hurried crying with the sink running, bathroom door locked.  she gets v good at hiding the evidence that anything is wrong 

one time, when finn is abt six or so and maia is four and stella isnt quite a year old, kara gets Hurt.  like big time, holy shit, lena we’re doing everything we can for her hurt.  and lena’s stretched so thin already bc kara’s been gone a lot in the week leading up to this, trying to catch this trio of aliens (one rozz escapee, two that got caught up in his schemes) bc they made a direct threat to that pretty luthor you seem so interested in, isn’t she married supergirl? so she just—she can’t imagine not being with kara at the deo but she can’t make their three little kids spend the night in uncomfortable chairs either and she’s exhausted and terrified bc for the first time in a long time she’s not like one hundred percent sure kara’s going to be okay??  and she can’t do this alone, she can’t raise their children on her own, this was always a partnership and she can barely keep them all on schedule for a week how on earth can she do that for the rest of their lives?

and god bless the superfriends, they all step the fuck up.  they’re all sick with worry, obviously, but these kids are still pretty sheltered, still dont have any idea of what their mother does, who she is, what she risks to protect them every day, and everyone pulls it together a little, just enough to take shifts with the kiddos.  

maggie takes mornings, gets finn and maia up and off to school, makes sure they have packed lunches and healthy breakfasts and sends lena little text updates, a picture every morning of the kiddos grinning in their carseats

james covers afternoons—winn picks the kiddos up and drops them at catco and listen, they love their uncle james to no end and he comes up with a million and one games for them to play.  cat usually emerges from her office at some point bearing sweets and the offer of cartoons on one of the many tvs on her wall

lucy flies in on the weekend and hosts a sleepover at her apartment in the city, promises that she’ll make sure they eat their fruits and veggies and then immediately gives them just about as much sugar as they can ask for.  they watch the incredibles and finding nemo and the aristocats (abt 37 times, lucy counted)

eliza stays at the house, helps take care of stella when lena needs to sleep.  she and alex understand The Most, and they stay the closest; eliza cooks meals and moms the hell out of lena and alex sits right next to her at the deo, squeezes her hand whenever she starts to cry and cries along with her

its not good and its not easy and those six days are the Longest of lena’s life but the kids dont even remember them rlly, just a hazy sort of fog of hanging out with their cool aunts and uncles and finn’s the only one that kind of remembers??  but he only rlly remembers kara coming home and them eating a lot of potstickers

UNDER THE CUT BC I KEEP CRYING UR WELCOME

it’s a completely different story when they’re older.  i would say the first Big Scary Moment comes when finn’s ~10, maia’s around eight, and stella’s just turned five.  stella only rlly remembers it bc emotion sort of sharpens all of her memories???  and there were a fuck ton of emotions happening

stella’s at a sleepover and maia’s at a girl scout overnighter and finn’s at a sleepover too (nice attempt at date night kara and lena, too bad evil waits for no happily married couple’s first night alone in months) and kara has to leave bc there’s something happening uptown and lena’s happy, a little warm from the wine and says something like hurry back and she turns on the news, bc she always does when supergirl has to save the day and it’s around six, so it’s the regular evening news and its on in just about every home in national city and the counselors at maia’s camp are watching just to kill time

so everyone gets to watch in hd as supergirl gets shot out of the sky in a hail of kryptonite bullets

stella’s hysterical, so’s maia (no one ever said the kids were any better at secret keeping than kara), finn’s the only one that rlly keeps it together long enough to fake a stomach ache and ask to call his mom to come get him.  lena’s numb, rlly, has to focus on keeping her voice steady when she’s got maia and stella on speaker, assuring them both that she’s on her way to get them, she’s just picked up finn

alex’s already had one of the break rooms near medical set up with cots and lena nearly cries then and there in relief, because she sure as shit isnt leaving the deo without kara and she sure as shit isnt calling a babysitter for her hysterical children, not when stella’s hanging onto her and maia’s tucked up against her side and finn, oh god finn’s trying so hard to keep it together, keeps looking at his sisters, keeps looking at lena and setting his jaw and he’s so much like kara it hurts for lena to see

kara’s in surgery for a long time, long enough that the kids eventually pass out.  they have separate cots, but finn asks lena to help him shove them all together and it makes a surface big enough for the kiddos to curl up together, stella sandwiched between her big siblings, finn’s longer arms just barely reaching over maia’s shoulder, keeping them all together and lena can’t sleep so she pulls up her cot as well and watches her children sleep, watches them draw their breath in sync, as a unit, and she’s not sure how long it is, but then alex is stepping in, exhausted, and she just nods at lena and it’s enough

stella must sense the mood shift bc she’s awake first, squirming to get free of the dog pile theyre in and waking her sibling in the process and then they’re all looking at lena, wide eyed, and it’s maia, the boldest of the three, that asks when can we see mama?

alex answers that she’s resting, that she needs to rest a little longer, but if they’re very quiet and very careful they can go in and see her right now and lena’s not sure if she’s ever seen her children so entirely subdued, but they shuffle into kara’s room very quietly and very carefully, lena just behind them and kara just barely blinks, just barely smiles at them before it all changes again, before stella’s whispering something in finn’s ear and finn’s nodding and asking alex if they can kiss kara and kara’s eyes are shining and lena’s very nearly openly crying

kara kind of cuts alex off with a hoarse c’mere kiddos, i feel like i haven’t seen you in a week and then finn’s wrapping his arms around stella’s middle and he and maia are bouncing off the ground lightly, floating over to kara’s side and their kisses are kind of messy, a little snotty probably, considering how much crying they’ve been doing, but it’s okay, it’s so much better bc kara’s laughing and smiling and sharing a look with lena when stella insists on putting bandaids on her bc you’ve got a lot of booboos mama

it changes as they get even older, obviously, as they get a better understanding of why their mom is getting hurt, and maia gets very angry with kara for a while bc she gets wanting to protect ppl, she gets being a hero, but what, are you just going to leave us?  

one time kara gets p hurt and maia storms out of the room when the family gathers around her and she wont talk to lena, wont talk to alex, and its against several warnings not to that kara gets out from under the sun lamps and goes after her.  it’s not an easy conversation, not by any means and maia’s angry at a a lot of things and kara’s only one of them, but she gets the brunt of it, gets the why don’t you ever think about us?  and the broken i don’t want you to die that comes after a fair amount of yelling and crying

kara doesn’t have a lot of answers that will satisfy maia, she knows, bc maia’s young still and hasn’t had much reason to see the good in people, doesnt have the same idealistic world view like finn, like kara, but what she lacks in solid answers, she makes up for in a hug that clocks in around twelve minutes at least and it’s not the end of the discussion, but its the end for now bc then maia’s remember that holy shit, my mom just got thrown through a building and is ushering kara back to the sun bed

finn’s so gentle, his heart just breaks every time kara gets hurt.  he cries for days in college once bc kara blows her powers in the middle of a fight and just keeps going bc back up wasnt coming and there were civilian lives at stake and he wanted to fly home to help, he wanted to, he wanted to so badly, but he couldnt, he was rooted in place watching the fight on the tv in the lounge, too afraid of the power he had to move

he feels a lot of guilt for that for a very long time, even after stella intervenes (she doesnt v often, only when she thinks it’s necessary) and kara talks to him, assures him there’s nothing for him to feel guilty for.  it takes years, rlly, for him to ever really forgive himself for not helping her, for not stepping in

mostly tho he steps in and fills the gap while kara’s down, takes maia to the demo room when her hands start shaking with rage, holds stella’s punching bag, stops by lena’s office when he’s on his way home from school to drop off a sandwich or salad or something just to make sure she eats.  bless him, he rarely confronts his own feelings about his mother’s second job, the risks she takes.  he can’t, you know?  they’re hard, difficult to handle, difficult to reign in, so he avoids thinking about it too hard until he’s forced it, then my sweet son just breaks down at the oddest moments, like in line at the grocery store or folding laundry or playing video games with his best friend.  just fucking sobs—its usually weeks after kara’s been hurt, and kara’s learned to be on the look out for him around this time, learned to keep half her attention searching the city for her son crying and when she hears it she just drops whatever she’s doing and goes to collect him.  they usually go get ice cream or maybe pizza, or sometimes take a walk along the pier.  sometimes kara will ask finn to teach her how to play whatever game he’s rlly into and she will act like she absolutely has no idea how to play it at first (even though she totally plays them)

and stella !!  stella, little stella always feels it the hardest, always takes her pain and grief and anger and fear and multiplies it, carries the weight of her family with her everywhere she goes.  even if she’s not watching kara fight off whatever evil is lurking in national city, she knows when it’s gone wrong bc lena always watches and the two ppl stella can feel the easiest, strongest, loudest are kara and lena.  she always feels it first

and then it’s agonizing hours of pain, wave after wave of horror and fear and it gets worse the more time she spends around her family—its always the worst from alex and lena, she gets flashes of what happened from alex, gets blood and the crack of bone, the echo of kara getting slammed into a wall or a truck or the pavement.  she gets these bits and pieces of horrible what ifs from lena, gets black suits and questions about kryptonian funerals.  it’s awful.  she doesnt want to be alone when its like this, but stella can hardly stand being around other people, like her own shit is hard enough to deal with, she doesnt need this too

she toughs it out every time tho, bc she’d rather live through it with them all, rather be right there when her mom wakes up than to be somewhere else.  her peace of mind isnt worth that much

eventually it spills over bc it has to, stella cant swallow these feelings forever.  it’s a few days after the latest scare and stella’s the only kid still at home, the only one that didn’t have to get back to school, so she’s spending the rest of her spring break on the couch with her mom while she recovers, while she recharges.  it’s fine one second, then kara gets up to get more popcorn or something and stubs her toe and since she’s still powerless, she actually winces and then stella’s thinking about it, thinking about how close they all came to losing her again and the thoughts and emotions sort of push their way into kara’s mind and stella knows the moment they do bc then kara’s stopped and is giving her this terrible, soft look

by this point, kara knows stella’s patterns like the back of her hand, knows that she wont talk about it until she’s ready, but that she’ll be ready a lot sooner now that kara knows what’s going on.  so she doesn’t say anything, just gets more popcorn and makes stella some tea while she’s up.  when she comes back to the couch, she pulls her daughter into a tight hug bc the sensory thing—that usually helps when she gets overwhelmed like this, too

i’m sorry you’re carrying this, kara tells her.  i’m sorry i can’t help.

stella nods.  i know

its almost enough to know that her mother would carry it if she could

#this is v kara and the kids centric tbh #supercorp #supergirl #kara danvers #lena luthor #superbabies #anonymous #human interaction

[no25]

redoing a survey i took 4 years a go!!1! :~) 

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

ya because i have asthma so fuck dat // yes

2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?

all of the above loooooool // taken uwu

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

i’d say thank you, you are too // same answer!!!!

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

probably // not that i know of

5: Are you interested in anyone right now?

nah // yes uwu

6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

nothing. sleeping in on monday pretty much // nothing....

7: Do you want to be single?

i dont mind // not rn bc i am happy in my relationship atm!

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?

i went out and i had jollibee // i stayed in but i wish i went out...!

9: How late did you stay up last night?

til like 1 or 2 i think doing fuckin nothing lol // i dont remember but it was late!!

10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?

junior year??? and RIGHT NOW ???????? LMAO!!! // yes (: rn!

11: Last three things you had to drink?

breakfast, lunch, and dinner: mocha cappucino, sprite, and water // water, strawberry lemonade, baja blast ! 

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

ya man i’m fake af lol // yes

13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

ya man i’m fake af lol // not sure, but maybe...

14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

my mom probably // my bf tony omg the answer difference

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

depends but not rly bc i’m fake af lol // idk wtf i was talkin bout but in terms of platonic relationships, it rly depends on my closeness with the person! and i’ve never been thru a breakup so i cant say anything...

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

ya what was that like august? been single since i was born tbh // no uwu

17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

getting ready to shower // i was still in bed lol!!

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

trisha but she was only holding on to my pinky // tony!

19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

no bc it is too late for me // same answer lol

20: What would you name your future daughter?

clara after the singer or adora after that prodigy // who the hell was i talkin about... okay just googled who adora svitak was (the prodigy i was talking about) and sis was born in 97... i too was born in 97....damn i was mute for like half my life and sis was in a TED TALK at 12 so thats cool... anyway i want to name my daughter after my mom!

21: Do you miss anyone?

not really. just one person // yes :(

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

yea but they were just quick pecks on the cheek // yes

23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

no it took place while i was sitting down in a chair and it was from my pops on my forehead //  i do not remember actually LOL

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

ya bc i’m fake af lol… just kidding my friends say i make shit hella obvious sometimes guess i’m not as good of an actress as i thought i was // hmm no but i wish i was... but i’m a PISCES i ABSORB EVERY EMOTION AND IT SHOWS

25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

fffuuuuuuck yyyeeaaaa // yes :(

26: Who did you last see in person?

my parents? what you tryna ask here // i dont rly understand the contxt of this question, im just gona say my roommates bc theyre in the room with me

27: Are you listening to music right now?

yes chandelier by sia // no i’m listening to an asmr video!

28: What is something you currently want right now?

to finish my hw but that’s not happening anytime soon bc f society // i was sooo angsty back then omg lol but i want new makeup, clothes, and accessories!

29: What is the last thing you said out lot?

this question because i read it out loud bc of the typo // hmmm i don’t remember! i think it was... can u wash my fork

30: How is your heart lately?

heavy // empty (: damn i’ve been depressed my whOLE LIFE huh

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

yes because my head gets cold // sometimes!

32: Are you wearing socks?

yes and they’re grey / not rn

33: What do people call you?

chacha or princess sometimes but not really mostly just charlene // charlene, char! not rly chacha anymore! i miss being called chacha! but ppl who arent that close to me started calling me it so its weird! but it might b my fault for pushing the nickname... but i mean nicknames are only a given IF ur close with that person right... so idk why ppl thought itd b ok right away! like cmon ppl!

34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

maybe~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~but if i do i’ll feel like i’m bothering him lol / maybe ! but it’s ok if we dont

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

you think this a joke ofc there are wtf!!!! // yes.. same answer LOL

36: Who did you last share a bed with?

my mommy // tony

37: Did you do something bad today?

procrastinate)))))): // same answer, add two shots of ~hate myself~ in there too

38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

like two days ago? is that sad / today!

39: Do you get stressed out easily?

ya but it’s my own fault i’m hella dumb but in the end i’m just like oh well ALOT which is actually not healthy at all / yes! it fries my brain and i become numb to it lol

40: Will you sing today?

i sing everyday // i hope!

41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

yes because i am so bad at talking / same answer!

42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?

kaithleen and i like talking to megs but when i do tell people stuff i feel like i am giving them more stuff to worry about so i usually end up not going to them at all lol / tony or my vocaloid sisters groupchat! 

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

no; thanks jesus / no

44: What are you listening to right now?

we could happen by aj rafael / same asmr video!

45: What is wrong with you right now?

a lot of things / i need to find new ways of unlearning the harmful coping mechanisms and negativity i’ve internalized, but i know it takes a lot of work for self improvement, so i think it’s easier to just be sad :(

46: What is on your wrists right now?

my sleeves and my veins / wtf angsty bitch lmao NOTHING is on my wrist lol chill

47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

t’s a house find and it says tiburon and conference center lodge so ig uess it’s from there / it’s a free shirt from a programming company! or gaming i cant remember....

48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?

hot chocolate wtf is hot apple cider i never tried it / hot chocolate!

49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

i used to / aww same answer, maybe i should start again! but i always lose track of time...

50: Are you a good artist?

fuck yeah. sike i’m a disgrace / no :(

51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

ew / yes!!!!!!

52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

who do you think i am do you think people like counting the months backwards? anyway idk i didn;t do shit in july / yes bc i would b at home with my cat!!!!!!!

53: Ever been on a golf cart?

no / not while it was moving!

54: Do you have trust issues?

ya bc i’m fake af lol / yes :(

55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?

tony or kaithleen kinda but she always falls asleep / tony!

56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?

yea think so from my middle school days but the only thing i can rly think of is this pikachu shirt / yes!!! that pikachu shirt, a goofy movie shirt, and a spirited away shirt!

57: Do you use chap stick?

i used to / not the brand chapstick but yes! i think my lips have become too dependent on it tho bc they dry out or sunburn easily if i dont use it for a while or if its a rly sunny hot day!!

58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?

yes probably but on accident pretty sure i’d remember it clearly if it was on purpose / not that i know of!

59: Do you have a little sister?

no but if i consider my friends as little sisters i’d have like seven or soemthing / no!

60: Have you ever been to New York?

no but i would love to go / not yet!

61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

yes and i love them too / same answer !!!!

62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

ya and it was the opposite sex dude you asked about earlier / yes!

63: What were you doing at midnight last night?

talkin to the late night people you asked about earlier / on my laptop watching asmr videos lol!!

64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

no / yes 😥

65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

ya like 10 / i cant believe i counted... but yes!

66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

no / yes, tony!

67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

i actually don;t remember oops sorry mom give me up for adoption / yes, tony!

68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

i am okay with both but i have to be close to you first to face you if we sleepin on the same bed lol / im fine with either !

69: Will next Friday be a good one?

i dont think so. everyday feels the same and i am bored all the time / im gona speak it into existence, YES!!!!

#personal #survey #enough about me has changed.... #nostalgia is a LIAIR

[sternenkrone-blog]

  Wyatt crosses the threshold like a whirlwind. His face is pale, a sickly ash paired with something in his eyes that speaks of plain horror. In his arms, he carries a bundle of blankets.   A moving bundle of blankets.   He brushes past Lysander without a word, heading straight into the living room. The last time he’s seen his brother like this, their father had raised his hand against Lysander for the first time out in the open. The same look of shock, the same fear that goes bone-deep. But there’s no anger woven through this time. Only the face of a scared boy.

  “Did something happen?” Lysander asks softly as he takes a seat next to Wyatt. His eyes are fixed on the bundle in his lap – which still writhes. Here Lysander thought maybe he’d imagined that.   Wyatt bites his lip. There are dark circles under his eyes, almost as though they’re bruises. But his eyes are reddened, blood vessels popped the way they do when he doesn’t sleep well and goes to work trying not to fall asleep. He nods, a little frantic, and winces when Lysander raises a hand to place it between his shoulder blades.   “I think I’m losing it,” he whispers, and his voice shakes.   Lysander furrows his brows. “Losing it?”   “It’s,” Wyatt begins and slips a hand into the bundle on his lap. It makes a sound between a purr and a satisfied grunt. “The other day, I was… we were having dinner. The boys and I. And Sicheng was hogging the cucumber salad, and I – I didn’t wanna get up and get it, but he wasn’t listening ‘cause he was talking to – anyway, I wanted that salad and I was really annoyed and suddenly the bowl stood right in front of me. Just. Gone. Like… “   He licks his lips. Runs his free hand through his hair, unstyled like it seldom is. Turning his head, he gives Lysander a brief look as though he tries to gauge his reaction but doesn’t have the heart to stay for the result. Lysander’s chest tightens at the sight.   “And that… happened again, a few days later. So I sat down and… and… “ His eyes drift away to the scented candle sitting on the coffee table. He extends his free hand, frowns, and from one second to the next, the candle sits snugly in his palm. Lysander’s mouth drops open.   “You saw that, right?” Wyatt asks, staring at Lysander again. “I told the others, but they didn’t notice shit, and told me I needed to take a nap or something. But I don’t need a damn nap. Please, tell me you saw that.”   Quickly, Lysander nods. “I saw that, yes. You moved the candle without actually moving it.”   Wyatt lets out a breath that sounds uncharacteristically relieved. He puts the candle away and leans back, shoulders slumping. “You saw it. Thank god.” The bundle in his lap makes the same noise as before, still writhing under the heap of blankets.   This is the exact definition of a deja vu. When Lysander’s magic first manifested, it started out with tiny things, too. Turning on the electric kettle from his spot on the couch, switching off the light without having to physically do it. He’d chalked it up to being forgetful at first, to having done everything the way it’s supposed to and simply forgetting about it. But Wyatt is acutely aware of what’s happening, albeit scared of it. To think he would possess the same powers Lysander does is beyond odd. He’d thought him to be fully human.   Touch gentle, he brings his hand up to run it through the hairs on the back of Wyatt’s head. Wyatt melts into it, leans to the side to settle his weight against Lysander’s shoulder. When he speaks again, his eyes have drifted closed.   “But that’s not the weirdest part.” He unpacks the bundle on his lap, all careful and slow. There, in between soft fabric sits a small animal, a puppy with golden fur and a mane like a lion. It yips and shivers and tries to burrow back into the blanket. Wyatt curves a palm around its head. It nuzzles into it an instant.   “Wyatt,” Lysander whispers, gaze fixed on the puppy. “Is that –”   “So you can see him?” Wyatt interrupts him. He straightens in his seat, curling his fingers under the puppy’s chin. “None of the others can. That’s weird, right? How can that be?”   Lysander doesn’t have an answer. This puppy, this tiny bundle of fur, is a product of Wyatt’s magic – that much he is sure of. But why would it be invisible to other people? And, more importantly, why does he see it, then? Tentative at first, he reaches out to let the puppy sniff his fingers. It looks up at him with wide, crimson-red eyes and wags its tail. Wyatt watches, looking from Lysander to the puppy and back.   “He… says you smell nice.”   “Oh.” Lysander’s face softens. He rubs a finger over the puppy’s nose, then scratches it gently behind its perky ears. “Thank you, little one.”   Wyatt still looks beyond spooked, but some of the tension has left his body. It’s easy to imagine what he went through. Discovering all of this and having nobody believe him takes a toll even on someone like him, usually so full of confidence and wit. He seems much younger like this. More innocent.   “How… did you get him?” Lysander asks after a short stretch of silence, and it makes Wyatt curl in on himself a little. He takes a deep breath, as though to steel himself.   “I went to bed early yesterday ‘cause I was feeling like shit. When I woke up in the middle of the night, he was… right there. Sleeping next to me. So I just went back to sleep. I still felt like ass and was pretty sure I was dreaming. But then he woke me up, licking my face all over. And when I went to tell the others, they didn’t believe me. ‘Cause they can’t see him.” He marks a pause, brows knitting together. “He… talks. That’s… super weird, right? But only I can hear him. I don’t know what’s happening, Lys.”   Lysander brings his hands up to Wyatt’s face to cup it. “That’s all right, little brother. I do.”   “Y-you do?” Wyatt’s eyes go wide.   “It’s nothing terrible, I promise. You’re not crazy.” As he speaks, he calls for Almond over their rapport, and he appears like he always does with a quiet poof, perching himself atop Lysander’s shoulder. Immediately, Wyatt recoils.   “What –”   “He’s my familiar,” Lysander answers before Wyat finishes his question. “My… well, we’re connected. He speaks, too, but only I can hear it. I, and other familiars.”   Cooing, Almond jumps down from Lysander’s shoulder to sniff curiously at the puppy.Who’s he? He’s tiny! Whatever the puppy responds makes Almond burst into giggles.   “I still don’t get it,” says Wyatt with a frown, and he sounds so lost that all Lysander wants to do is pull him close and hug him. But he resists the urge, too determined to clear that confusion.   “This’ll be a lot to take in,” he says, folding his hands in his lap. “And I know what it sounds like. I didn’t want to believe it at first, either.” This time, it’s he who takes a deep breath. “I’m a witch, Wyatt. And I think you are, too. These things happening to you? It’s your magic manifesting. And this little guy,” he gestures towards the puppy, “is your familiar.”   As expected, Wyatt gapes for a long, long moment, before he says, slowly, “You’re a… witch. Like… like in the movies? Potions and spells and… “   Lysander nods. “Yes. And no. It’s… a little different, I think. But I do work spells, and I do know how to make potions. I’m still starting out, but it’s getting there.”   And just like that, a weight lifts from Lysander’s chest. How many times did he try to work up the courage to tell Wyatt this? How many times did he start, fully intending to stop hiding the truth, only to get scared at the very last second? Wyatt is difficult, after all. Ignorant in many ways, even if he doesn’t seem too conscious of it. He has his beliefs and his opinions, most of them formed by their close-minded parents, and changing them is like pulling teeth. So Lysander steels himself for a comment that may cut deep, may hurt.   Instead, Wyatt nods, mouth still hanging open. “And I’m… like that, too? But why didn’t I know before? Why now?”   “I’m not sure. My magic didn’t come around until a few months ago, either. So –”   “A few months ago? You’ve been a – a witch or whatever all this time and you didn’t tell me?”   A laugh slips out of Lysander’s mouth, dry and void of humor. “How was I supposed to do that? How do you just tell someone this? I’m still learning, myself. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to believe it. I’m sorry, Wyatt. I wanted to tell you sooner, I really did.”   Wyatt falls silent again. Pets the puppy, who has since started cuddling with Almond, like he did before, and then says, “I… need to think about this. Can you… can you take care of him for a while? Just… I don’t know.”   The puppy startles with Wyatt moving to get up, yipping at him.   “Wyatt, please. He’s your familiar. You can’t –”   “I don’t – care right now, okay? I need to… this is too much.”   He’s on his feet before Lysander has a chance to stop him, out of the door before he gets another word in. A part of Lysander isn’t surprised, not about the reaction and not about how much it smarts, but another wishes that, for once, Wyatt would have changed. He looks down at the puppy – Wyatt’s familiar – and sighs. Almond licks the puppy all over in a means to soothe it, but it only makes the quiet whines that come out of its tiny snout louder, more miserable.   Lysander grabs his phone and sends an emergency text Qiaomeng’s way. He, hopefully, will know what to do.

#❝ a movie called life // lysander stories. #❝ a movie called life // wyatt stories. #abuse /