#if anyone has additional thoughts feel free to share

[autistic-daydreamer]

Was thinking about what weapons they'd use in the pjo au so here are the ones I have so far (and these aren't all at the beginning of the series, just generally their staple weapon):

Sophie: a spear, I imagine that it's made out of a material that makes it easy for her to zap people with it (so basically metal) and is about as long as a lacrosse stick. <- when on quests it's kept in a lacrosse stick looking case so it isn't suspicious (the mist would make the spear look like a lacrosse stick)

Fitz: something akin to a falcata sword? Like that sort of shape but longer. I'm not very knowledgeable about swords and fighting techniques so that might change idk

Dex: comically large hammer. Yes I am serious. I imagine he would do something to make it compact and carry-able (mix of machinery and magic) and can take it out and make it change into the hammer so he can beat up monsters. Element of surprise, ya'know? (he has a lot of upper body strength so he can wack monsters with the very heavy hammer)

Stina: bow and arrow, arming sword for closer range. Not much to it. In my au Stina is really good at archery and even teaches the class occasionally. Again, not very knowledgeable abt swords so idk if that's the best option for close range but I don't think she'd use a dagger unless it's a last resort.

#that's all I have rn #pjo au #if anyone has additional thoughts feel free to share #in fact. please share #i'd like to know #especially if you know stuff abt swords #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #fitz vacker #sophie foster #dex dizznee #stina heks

[yesimwriting]

live laugh love best friend felix!!

i’m obsessed with their dynamic! every time a read something about them all i can think about is “this is reader. reader loves her personal space! and this is felix. felix also loves readers personal space!”

like i can see feliz being the type to want to literally crawl into your skin to be closer to you. no mater what he wants to be closer. you’re pressed against his side sitting next to eachother? not close enough, he pulls you into his lap. you’re cuddled up in his bed? not close enough, your clothes are in the way :/. literally no clothes on pressed against eachother? still not close enough. mans needs to be apart of you.

omg that is so them 😭 you captured the vibe perfectly,, they share a personal space bubble <3

----

thinking about bestfriend!felix that's no stranger to brief episodes of infatuation or the feeling of being attracted to someone, but who has never wanted to be as physically close to someone as he wants to be to you.

he doesn't know what to do with it, the subconscious urge to crawl beneath your skin just to make sure he's feeling as much as your warmth as possible.

so you can't really hold his lack of impulse control against him :(

in his defense, at first he really did try, restraining himself to subtle displays of affection. the side of felix's hand pressed against your leg as you two cram yourselves into a booth at a bar, his fingertips slowly drifting towards your thigh as the night goes on; his foot pressing against your ankle when you're both attempting to study in the library; an oh so friendly and innocent hand around your shoulder to make sure you don't get lost during a party that leads to his fingers brushing beneath beneath the collar of your top.

and while that's nice for awhile, close only makes him want closer. soon it's felix barely waiting for the excuse of alcohol to justify pulling you onto his lap at parties. he's letting the should-be-quick-to-prevent-intimacy kisses he presses against your jaw and neck linger, even when it means that the girls he'd been flirting with all night give the two of you odd looks.

then, he's inviting you to sleep over in his room on nights when you're both sober because the two of you are already so comfortable and it's so late. you can't just leave him there. he sleeps so much better when you're in the same room, and you do, too. why bother walking all the way back to your dorm when the two of you can just keep talking until you fall asleep? staying put is practical.

as practical as felix slowly but surely pulling you closer until you're a tangle of limbs. a dorm bed's small, and with felix's long limbs, you have to make do.

you're half asleep when felix realizes that you're as close as two people can casually be and it's still not enough. he doesn't understand the feeling, and if this was about anyone else, he might have thought to question it. but it's you. it feels right to want to be closer, natural.

so he lets his fingertips brush against the back of your shoulder, an additional sliver of skin exposed by the loose collar of the oversized t-shirt you're sleeping in. the warmth of your bare skin has barely satiated the urge before it comes back with a vengeance. blame his wealthy upbringing for his inability to delay his own gratification.

before he knows what he's doing, his free hand is shifting the fabric of your shirt upwards. just an inch or two, nothing close to crossing a line or violating your trust as his knuckles graze against your hip.

still drowsy, you hum once, more curious than anything else. "felix," you mumble, "i'm tired."

knowing that you're awake emboldens him, his hand finally dipping beneath the fabric of your shirt so that his forearm can rest against your bare skin. "i know, lovie," he whispers, tone soothing and sympathetic, "i know. needed you a little closer." he splays his fingers against your back. "is that okay?"

you're quiet for such a long moment felix starts to wonder if you've fallen asleep. but then you shift even closer, the hem of your shirt moving up a little more. "yeah, that's okay."

felix leans forward, pressing a kiss against the side of your temple.

----

taglist; @vader-is-hot @spiritofbuddha @getosangie @freyafriggafrey @ilovehyperfixating @aryiannarae @willowpains @ker0senebunny

#saltburn imagine #saltburn x reader #felix catton x reader #felix catton #bestfriend!felix #jacob elordi #jacob elordi x reader

[dokiyeom]

AYA’S SEVENTEEN FIC RECS

note: ngl i meant to post this in dec as an end of 2022 sort of thing and as a bit of an apology for my inactivity,, but my mental health has not been fantastic,, but here are some of my favorite seventeen fics that i’ve read !! also ps pls feel free to send me some of ur own favs bc i miss reading fics && i’m begrudgingly admitting that i’m not great at finding fics,, like sm of these i have to thank yeona for sending me :00

ot13/multi/love interest revealed later on !!

UNDER THE SUN - @wooahaes (series // fantasy/darl+ing au // multi ot13 part)

i think i’ve rbed almost all the individual parts if ur interested in my more specific thoughts but this series has been an absolute comfort series for me for a while !! the relationships between the members and the reader - both platonic and romantic have been so lovely to read !! it’s such a genuinely warm series and the worldbuilding is also just soso fantastic !! it is a fantasy sort of au,, so it’s a bit daunting to get into just because the logic of the universes created in this genre is a bit difficult to grasp,, but uts has such an easy to comprehend world and everything is explained so clearly !! it’s genuinely one of the most comforting fics i’ve read this year and one that i’d highly recommend to pretty much everyone,, even if u aren’t a carat :D

APARTMENT A5C - @suhnshinehaos (smau - college au)

my favorite svt smau that combines some of my fav tropes/aus (housemates and uni) !! ++ i’d argue there’s a found family aspect that just melts my heart soso much,, like the reader’s relationship with the 96 line, both platonic and romantic are insanely heartwarming and comforting !! the banter is so entertaining && all of the additional friendships are just to die for !! esp sana and yuta with the reader !! but honestly this smau is just soso sweet and a story where u really root for the main couple to get together bc they just fit each other so well !! def another fic i’d recommend to anyone !!

LOVESTRUCK @/suhnshinehaos (smau - college au)

short endings for the reader’s other housemates !! has the same entertaining banter and cute relationship buildup that is just soso perfect to read after apartment a5c to treat ur post fic sadness <3 all the relationships are formed in a shorter period of time, but with just that same amount of investment !!

CHOI SEUNGCHEOL

OBVIOUS - @leejungchans  (0.9k words - wedding florist and baker au) 

so stinking cute !! the reader and seungcheol having related businesses and appreciating each other’s dedications to their respective crafts is soso endearing :D genuinely my fav seungcheol fic bc hello ? good writing + sulky cheol + established relationship ? an absolute 10/10 and must read that i revisit way too often :D

YOON JEONGHAN

ORDER UP - @/leejungchans  (2.4k - cafe au)

half of these r gonna b recs from sol’s masterlist,, but her works r just too good !! this fic is so darn cute and entertaining, with jeonghan’s antics + his classic attention n care for those in his life were captured so well !! him remembering the reader’s order and his sheer dedication to orchestrating an opportunity for a conversation outside of the reader placing their order was just so fun to read && is genuinely a fic i reread time and time again :D

CAUGHT @/leejungchans (1.1k - preschool? teachers au)

this. this is so insanely endearing hello ?? jeonghan as a preschool teacher is absolutely perfect, and the banter mixed with such tender love that the reader and jeonghan share is just so <3 it’s a relatively short read,, so i’d highly, HIGHLY, recommend giving this a read because it’s soso worth it,, esp if ur feeling a bit down and in need of something fun and sweet to read :D

REDEMPTION @/leejungchans (11.5k)

such whirlwind of emotions but soso insanely riveting !! bad boy jeonghan,,, oh my gosh a concept i (YOU !!) never knew i (YOU !!) needed in my life. him driving a motorcycle. him w tattoos. insane. amazing. fantastic. and a redemption arc ??? reader holding him accountable for wrongdoings ??? genuine efforts to change ?? go read it rn !! u must !!

CANDLELIGHT @/leejungchans (1.2k) - a fav bc its own of my fav tropes :D (blind dates)

my all time favorite jeonghan fic. literally so sweet to read and had me grinning ?? in the middle of the night ?? at my phone !! that’s outrageous !! but so insanely understandable bc this is such an enjoyable read && just so easily heartwarming to hear about the setup of the blind date. honestly,, i don’t think i can understate just how charming and worth reading this is !! 

THE MOST PRECIOUS THING @idyllic-ghost​ (3.6k - hospital/secret relationship au) 

another charming and lovely fic !!! i’m such a sucker for the secret relationship trope,, and this fic had such a fantastic take on it !! i adored the dynamic that jeonghan and the reader had, esp how much they cared for and rooted for each other :DD the banter at work and the tender love they share at home was also just,, absolutely chef’s kiss !!

HONG JOSHUA

LOVE ON THE AIR @suhnshinehaos​ (smau - college au)

i was. so invested in this smau LMAO but the reader and joshua’s friendship was soso lovely to read !! the buildup and tension were absolutely insane and genuinely had me so excited every time i logged onto tumblr to check for any updates :D the side friendships were also just so lovable and endearing,, and i found this smau to overall b super super charming :D

GOLDEN HOUR @dkfile​ 1(2.4k - summer vacation/bffs2l au)

joshua and the reader’s friendship is just so insanely sweet and endearing to read !! this fic is so reminiscent of a sentimental and fun coming of age romance,, which i feel like fits joshua soso well !! the whole time ur rooting soso hard for the main couple to get together, and just reading the buildup is incredibly entertaining !! and also the banter ?? literally so amazing && funny :D

WEN JUNHUI

HOW HARD MY HEART’S BEATING @adi--writes (3.3k - travel/photographer au)

the prose,, oh my gosh !! this fic played out so cinematically !! i loved jun and the reader’s friendship so much,, and how the fic progresses just naturally makes u root for a confession scene regardless of them being the main couple !! everything flowed so organically and their travel stories made for such a beautiful and compelling journey of love :D

KWON SOONYOUNG

(UN)TRADITIONAL @neonun-au (1.8k - wedding au)

the alt title >>> this fic was so full of personality and the premise just fits soonyoung so well !!! the bond that the reader and soonyoung share is just so insanely heartwarming,, esp their mutual understanding and respect for each other’s values !! in general,, the love in this fic is so genuine and lovable :DDD

JEON WONWOO

FLOWER @wonwoonlight (13k - exes au / editor+writer au)

this premise. my gosh it’s perfect !! this fic was such a great take on the second chance trope and the emotions were so fantastically fleshed out !! the progression of wonwoo and the reader’s relationship felt so natural and overall so enjoyable to read :DD

PLAY AGAIN @shuarush (37k words - coworkers au)

the pining !! the tension !! the friendships !! the anecdotes !! the prose !! go read it !! rn !! overall this was such a beautiful journey to read and i enjoyed it soso much :D aside from the main relationship,, i found the reader and jeonghan’s friendship to be soso sweet and endearing !! i also loved loved loved !!!! the writing style in this fic !! everything was so well paced and patient,, which made for such a compelling and beautiful journey that i absolutely loved !!

LEE JIHOON

LIVE @wondernus (1.24k - est relationship au)

so stinking cute !!!! i’m such a sucker for fics like these where the love interest is live and everyone’s also swooning over how sweet the relationship is :DD the love jihoon has for the reader is soso heartwarming and fuels my unending yearning for this sort of cute partnership <//3 this fic is just so enjoyable and the ending. it’s perfect :DDD bc same soonyoung,, same

HEARTACHE AND A LATTE @dkfile (9.3k - cafe au)

read this after not reading any fics for a WHILE and this was just such a chef’s kiss fic :D like the friendships with seungkwan, soonyoung, jeonghan, and wonwoo ?? amazing !!! but the buildup w jihoon !!! my gosh it was so genuinely cute !! i absolutely adored their friendship and the little indications of jihoon’s feelings for the reader :D just such a cute and lighthearted fic that i’d highly rec !!!

LEE SEOKMIN

SOMETHING SWEET @wonwoonlight (2.1k - cafe au)

your honor i love this fic !!!! w all my heart !!!! this fic captured just how lovable seokmin is && had such a cute pining plot :DD this was soso heartwarming and i was so easily invested in their relationship !! overall,, just such a sweet and enjoyable read :DD

KIM MINGYU

MY DAISY @wonwoonlight (series)

this. this was so fantastic. genuinely,,, everyone needs to read this when they can bc it is soso worth reading !!! i loved the friendships and the reader’s relationship with mingyu so much,, and gyuri !!!! gyuri !!!!! honestly i don’t think i can explain just how much i love this fic,, but pls,, pls read this bc this series is so insanely fantastic and had me so invested the whole way :DD

FIVE SHOTS AT LOVE @wooahaes​ (8.5k)

one of my favorite fics !! one of the first fics i read and i just absolutely fell in love with the setup of this fic,,, like the friendship with wonwoo just absolutely won my heart,, and the deepening relationship with the reader was the cherry on top !! such a beautiful and emotionally vulnerable fic that i found so much joy and sadness, but ultimately such an insane amount of comfort in :D def read and check out some of the warnings beforehand just in case !!

TRIAL AND ERROR @/leejungchans (2.9k - cafe au)

SUCH a cute little fic about mingyu trying to approach the reader but failing so miserably each time :D i had such a great time reading this and rooting for mingyu in each attempt !! his genuine earnestness was so adorable to read the way the ending panned out gave me so many giggles :D

XU MINGHAO

ACADEMIC INFATUATION @berriesandjunnie​ (2.5k - professor au)

i love a college setting, workplace romance, and any au where everyone around the reader/main couple are just rooting so hard for them to get together !!! and omg professor hao AND flustered hao ?? like bc of his feelings and nervousness ?? omg literally such a lovely read !!! i had such a good time reading this && got a bit of a giggle which is so 10/10 when reading a fic !!! def read !!!!

AVANTE GARDE @hoyoungy (4.1k - uni/artist au)

tbh as someone who really loves art,, i found this fic suuper enjoyable !! and black mullet minghao ?? hello ?? overall,, i loved the development of minghao and the reader’s relationship soso much and the general nature of how they get to know one another :D like i was soso invested in their journey and just really loved the appreciation both of them grow and have for each other :DD vv worth reading and would highly recommend :D 

BOO SEUNGKWAN

CLASSMATES TO LOVERS @/leejungchans (2.1l uni au)

bulletfics are def such a gem to read,, like short n sweet,, just perfect for a cute little fic :D i adored seungkwan’s impression of the reader and his sheer admiration for them !! like the chemistry was so on point and executed so well in this format too !! AND THE CHOCOLATES gosh this is so cute i love how seungkwan was written in this fic !! 

CHWE VERNON

WORK HUSBAND @wondernus​ (8.8k - teacher au)

my gosh this was soso cute,, like literally i’ve reread this more times than i can admit :0 the reader and vernon’s friendship is just so endearing and felt so genuine !! i really enjoyed reading the buildup of their relationship and just found this to be such a charming story !! like what i would give. to read this for the first time again PLEASE read this !!!

OR WOULD YOU RATHER IT BE ME @thepixelelf (7.9k - soulmate au)

a whole journey of emotions that had me on the edge of my seat and waiting for the reveal !!! the relationship between the reader and vernon were established so well,, like their genuine care and desire for each other to stay in their lives just straight up tugs at my heartstrings !!! this was such a wholesome and hilarious love story that i thoroughly enjoyed :D

LEE CHAN (aka leejungchans chan fics :DDD)

THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS (6.5k words - flower/tattoo shop au)

i loved the contrast between the reader and chan’s character soso much,, and how that ultimately made their relationship soso much more cute and lovable ?? like how intimidated he was and his little crush that he tried so hard to squander !! i love the progression of their relationship soso much and how genuine chan was written in this fic !!!!

OF STICKY NOTES AND STRANGERS (3.8k words)

every time i sit in a library, cafe, or park, i’m waiting for this to happen to me. i adore the premise of this soso much and how the reader’s friend group schemes to catch the perpetrator :DD like overall this fic was so lovely and i def understand the little crushes you get in public on attractive people in your vicinity while working in a public space :DD just so cute,, so heartwarming,, and def fuels my yearning

SCORED! (12.4k words - uni au)

athlete chan,,, oh wow,,,,, this fic was one of the first chan fics i read as i got into seventeen and definitely cemented him as one of my biases in the group :DD i love the banter that went on between the reader and chan,, as well as all the hilarious little details of the other columns !! like project vernway is forever ingrained in my mind whenever i see pieces christiano siriano or any other contestants from project runway !!! overall i just love how this fic played out and all of the hilarious interactions between everyone involved !!! def a super fun read :DDD

#seventeen fics #seventeen oneshots #seventeen x reader #seventeen fluff #seventeen fic recs #seungcheol x reader #jeonghan x reader #joshua x reader #jun x reader #hoshi x reader #wonwoo x reader #dk x reader #mingyu x reader #minghao x reader #seungkwan x reader #vernon x reader #chan x reader #seventeen fic rec #pls give these/any fic writers some love !!! they truly deserve it :DD #also omg i’m ngl i’m a bit embarrassed to display my very specific love for certain blogs i’ve been following for a while LMAO HELP

[gummilutt]

Get dressed action on towel racks

A while ago I started using @episims' wonderful towel lite mod that makes our Sims put on a towel or a bathrobe after they shower or bathe. It adds a delightful touch of realism that is really fun. But as much as I enjoy taking my rich lady from her fancy bathroom to her walk in closet in a towel, sometimes I don't want to send my Sim past their bedroom to get dressed. When I shower I usually get dressed in the bathroom, putting on clothes I hung by the towels before getting in the shower. I thought, why can't my Sims do the same? With a little imagination, I re-purposed the actions of the Seasons coat rack to add clothes-changing animations to the towel racks that most of my Sims already have in their bathrooms, so that I can pretend they too put out their clothes on the towel rack before getting in. I wasn't sure if it was worth uploading but you guys loved the idea so here we go! :)

I only added everyday, formal and pyjamas because those are the three I thought it likely I would ever want. Shower during the day? Everyday clothes please! Girlies got ready for a night out? Get glam with your formal wear! A shower before bed? You'll want your pyjamas. The other categories seem unlikely, but I am open to updating it if there's a persuasive reason :)

As you can see in the video Sims are pretty decent about using the towel racks, even if they are on a wall behind stuff. I haven't altered the actual code to navigate to it, it uses the same slot as viewing the deco object did previously, which in my test has worked well. In the end I had to use different animations for children because the coat rack uses a step stool which needs a slot that the deco objects do not have and I could not figure out adding one. It was either different animations or floating in the air, so different animations it is :)

I've edited three of the Maxis towel racks. "Towel on a Metal Rod", "Towel on a Wooden Rod" and "Towel Hanger Plus Plus". I'm also sharing one edited CC towel rack by Simply Styling, which I discovered through @gayars recolors found on her website here.

Get maxis towel rack add on on SFS | Get Jope towel rack on SFS

If any creators would like to add these edits to their own towel racks, please feel free to do so. To make it easier on you, or any simmer that simply wants to update things they downloaded, I prepared a download package with the resources you need and some basic instructions. It's not step by step, it assumes you are familiar with edits. Should anyone want or need more detailed instructions, I am happy to help when I can :) (Update 2024-03-06 I replaced the routing mechanism in the interactions, to avoid a slot-missing error that happens in some CC objects that do not have a routing slot)

Conflicts: The maxis towel rack add on are global plug in for those objects, which means there is a potential for conflicts. HCDU+ will find any conflicts, but I doubt there are any. Indirect conflicts may also occur if you have mods that add additional interactions to deco objects, they would not show on the towel racks because I have overridden their usual pie menu.

Credits: whoward69 at @picknmixsims who taught me how to edit event trees in animations, @episims for the towel lite mod that inspired this, @gayars who taught me how to repurpose animations between objects and for introducing me to the jope towel, and all you lovely people that encouraged me to post this with your enthusiasm <3

#ts2 mods #gummiluttmods #ts2 gameplay #ts2 cc

[bossbot-fanclub]

Sometimes I think about how the mod Chip has installed in him is mentioned to be "partially successful". Which in my eyes definately feels like it is the reason why Chip when in Personality Override mode is the way he is...Which in itself really shows how corrupt C.OG.S INC is when it comes to how it does things.

I mean we've seen other stuff with how it cuts corners at the expense of its employee's like with Buck for example in regard of the repairs.

It does make me wonder though why Chip was made to have this mod installed in the first place? it even says on his profile page in the additional notes section. "He'll be onboarded into the position of regional manager once the necessary modifications are finished."

Which I find to be curious considering his past employment history at S.C.R.E.W., B.E.L.T., and C.R.A.N.K. He works well in leadership based positions so why did C.OG.S INC feel the need that he needed this mod?

I feel like it's not really addressed enough when it comes to Chip and what his deal is...but if anyone else found something that I might have missed or have their own thoughts on the matter...feel free to share!!

#toontown #toontown corporate clash #chainsaw consultant #chip revvington #ttcc #I do hope that we learn more about this in the future because there isn't a whole lot we got except for small implications found.

[freesia-writes]

Lil Life Update for Y'all <3

I've been a lil cryptic or back-n-forth, I think, and just wanted to share a little bit about what's been going on. I say it's not for attention but who knows what motives lurk under there, LOL. It's mostly because I love you all and want to let you in, also hope that it's encouraging or connective for anyone else who's experienced the same, and also I just miss the community I have sooooo loved here. 🥹

I'm a 34yo female with 2 kids aged 4 and 7. I had depression like crazy during and after my second pregnancy especially. In Aug 2021, my primary doc suggested I try something like Zoloft since I'd been complaining of irritability, no capacity, constant worry, and other anxiety symptoms. When I did feel some relief and felt encouraged that I could "feel like myself" again, I pursued solutions for other issues I was noticing. Over the last year and a half, it's been quite a ride. ADHD symptoms led to Adderall for 4 days, then Wellbutrin for a few months, then Buspar for a few months, then Strattera (tapering up and then back down) for about 3 months, then Ritalin for 1 month, which I thought was helping until we realized that the entire month of October was basically an increasingly manic episode.

Whew.

We're talkin 2007 Britney here (ok I didn't shave it but I cut my hair off into a pixie). Spent thousands on a new wardrobe of the "dark academia" style. Bought Disneyland tickets. Invested in a photography mentorship. So much energy and inspiration. Then we realized it was getting out of hand.

I had also been tapering off a lot of the meds over the last two months, so it was just a crazy cocktail of chemicals that made my brain finally go kaput. I finished the last dose of Zoloft on November 5th, and that was the last of the meds, so now I'm off everything. My therapist thought the mania was medication-induced due to all the changes plus the addition of the stimulant, so the goal was to try to allow everything to settle down and see what "baseline" is for me right now.

And it has been frickin HARD.

Cervical vertigo. All-or-nothing sleep and appetite. Extreme sensory sensitivity. Random itchiness. Racing mind. Total inability to focus. And the worst part has been the mood swings.

I'm basically having all the symptoms of bipolar disorder in a rapid-cycle format. It may be cyclothymia, or it may be the withdrawal effects from all the meds, but regardless... It's been quite the roller coaster. The nerd in me has been fascinated by the experiential knowledge of it all, since I majored in Psychology and have always loved learning about it, but the overall negative effects on me and my family have been difficult.

I'm someone who has always relied completely on being highly capable and in control. I find my worth in my productivity and competence. And it has caused increasing stress throughout my life. I've been praying for years that God would break me of it, and I can see how he is using this to do precisely that -- lovingly trying to answer my request to be freed of this relentless pursuit of the illusion of control. He's inviting me to simple, joyful life of trust. The perspective shift is so freeing when I realize that I don't need to have it all figured out because he already does, and I can just rest in his loving guidance and look to him for the next step instead of trying to plan out every possible outcome and strategy. I went on a reflective retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains and just felt so encouraged and loved in the way he invited me to let my shoulders down and to ground myself in his warm provision and care.

But the change doesn't happen overnight.

So in the middle of a total storm of bipolar symptoms -- days of mania followed by days of depressive episodes and being so new at it all that I don't know how to navigate "normal life" with all of that -- I'm also trying to rewire 34 years' worth of the way I think and act. BUT it's a blessedly simple process: the only thing I have to worry about is this moment. I can't affect the future or the past. So all I have is right now, and I can turn to God for guidance, encouragement, insight, or anything I need in this moment, and he is so faithful to give it. But man, it's easy to forget. ;)

Literally me with that right now, trying to figure it all out on my own before I remember I can't and don't need to:

Anyway, this got LONG, surprise surprise, but I've always enjoyed being vulnerable for the sake of connection and potential encouragement. And selfishly, I'd LOVE to hear from any of you who may have had similar experiences. Right now the fixation of my [very limited] capacity is on my photography business, but I've been feeling drawn to writing more and more, and have attempted a lil drabble here and there. So I'm just patiently waiting for the inspiration to return. :)

I have so appreciated the love from you all. I also haven't been as active with reading/reblogging/supporting/etc as I was, and that's just where I'm at right now, but please know that my heart is with you even if my brain is not, LOL.

If you made it this far, you get a gold star. Or a Howzer hug. Or somethin. :)

#freesia writes #mental health monday #just another manic monday #jk today was depressive

[sharedramblings]

Evening Antics II

Summary: You truly did try your best, but you can't help it; the need is persistent.

Author's note: Initially, there wasn't any plan for a second part, but the warm reception of everyone (and especially the writers!! hi weemssapphic, hi alder-saan, hi wasjustred, hi alexusonfire) and @gwennn-muste's enthusiastic comment for a next part leads to this. I hope it satisfies!

Additional note: Just gonna paste it here (in case). As a thank you for the hundred followers, if anyone would want to request a little something with any of these prompts, feel free to do so!

Taglist: @friskyfisher

Parts: Part I

—-—-

You didn't have your way that night. Despite your persistent pleading, Larissa didn't budge. So you instead opted on placing your hand in her stomach while you two succumbed to a much welcomed sleep.

The need didn't go away, and it manifested in little things that you did in the following days. When the next day begins, your mind is set in squeezing her tummy. The first one was when you woke up. You caress her belly before giving it a gentle squeeze, rolling off the bed after to prepare for the day. The next one was when you two passed each other in the hallway, and she swat your hand away when you lingered and didn't stop pinching her.

The day after that, your gaze subconsciously lowers to her covered stomach. The dress she adorns only subtly hugging her curves, her belly only being pronounced if she turns slightly to her side or if she stands with one foot forward, and it further spurred your interest in the soft flesh that hides underneath. You're certain of how it feels beneath your fingertips, so you firmly believe it would feel even better when you get to do what you so wanted.

There were instances where you'll catch yourself biting your lower lip while you look at her, and then to her tummy, and then back to her face again as if waiting if she would pick up on it. You also seem to form your hands into a fist when the urge to bite her becomes a bit too strong, channeling the energy down to that motion. What more is that you notice that you also do have a tendency to bite your thumb whenever your thoughts wander to that specific desire. Or you were sighing, or holding your breath upon its unexpected return in the front of your mind. And then there were the hugs. Your hugs, with the need to chomp on her actively occupying your head, ends with rubbing circles in her waist before squeezing and letting go. If your girlfriend further notices any of the not so subtle hints that slips out of your body, she doesn't speak it into existence.

You function just like that on and on, your body finding ways to compensate for the still unattained want.

... That is until you can't take it anymore. Until you unconsciously decide that you'll go through with it, consequences be damned.

So one night when Larissa's busy fluffing her pillows to lay comfortably on your shared bed, you figured that it's time. Without any warning or any indication of what you're about to do, you sit on her side of the bed, holding her down the waist and quickly diving for her stomach. With all the pent up emotion and energy inside, you chomp right on her tummy, feeling the tender flesh between your lips.

You internally moan, the air that puffs out your nose is the only indication of your initial satisfaction. God, the softness of her tummy will drive you to insanity.

It didn't escape you when Larissa visibly startled, head immediately swiveling down to look at you in disbelief. After a good few seconds of feeling the warmth and softness of it, you unlatch your mouth with a pop, the biggest, most satisfied toothy smile you've ever had evident on your lips, and whatever reprimand or repercussion the blonde has in mind was all washed away. You look so adorable with that delighted, appeased grin in your face and she can't bring herself to continue on with her warning the first night you wanted to bite her.

"Are you happy now?"

You enthusiastically nod, "Uh-huh. Very happy!" It was everything you imagined and more.

That was supposed to be it. You finally had the chance to bite her tummy, and that was the end of it. But then you impulsively went in for another, this time fully biting in a section of her belly with your teeth using the same strength you had when you previously did it.

"Aah!" Larissa instinctively flicked your forehead in panic, successfully making you pull back.

You two stared at each other, stunned, before you rub the center of your forehead where she managed to hit you.

"You hit me!"

"You attacked me with your teeth!" The blonde could still feel the way your teeth sank in her skin, and you were quick to stop her hand from rubbing the tender spot, wanting to inspect it yourself first.

You left a mark in her tummy, the indents of your teeth visible on the soft flesh. You gently circled around it with your thumb, looking at your girlfriend directly. "Does it hurt?"

While you love how the teeth mark– which you're certain would fade within minutes– is a stark reminder of the adoration you have for her belly, the unexpected way and intensity of how you did it took you by surprise, and with that reaction from the blonde, you worry that you went too far.

"A bit more of a force and I think you'll have a piece of my stomach with you" She said, her voice light to let you know she's not upset. She was simply caught off guard.

You sheepishly smile at her, littering soft little kisses on the area you've bitten, "Sorry"

"I don't think an apology will cut it, darling" She was ready to let you go for the first one, but then you did it again and you were bold enough to do it using your teeth. You ought to face the consequences of your actions.

"What can I d–"

She cups your face in her palm, both her thumbs caressing the skin of your cheeks. If you get to attack her unceremoniously, then so can she.

She shushed you up, and then she abruptly pinched both of your cheeks, her vigor rivaling that of yours, and you feel as if your skin is being stretched out to its limit.

"You were already in the clear with your ministrations..."

"Aw! Larisha!"

"Yet you pull that little stunt so here we are." Your head moves side to side along with her hands when she maneuvers it in short shakes to emphasize her words.

"I'm shorry!"

"You look so adorable like this, darling." Your hand was already on her wrist to attempt putting a stop to her revenge, your brown eyes pleading her cerulean blue ones which shine with delight.

This was a habit that Larissa had early on in the relationship because according to her, "Your cheeks are simply irresistible that I can't help myself"

Your cheeks throb with the assault when she finally relents, and you were giving her a sharp glare while she caress the sore skin. "Did you really have to go that hard?"

Larissa chuckles at your question, nodding before defending herself, "It's only fair that I did."

"I don't think so."

"You started it." She reasons out. When you didn't make any move to counter, she closed the gap between your faces for a few fleeting kisses on both of your cheeks, a soothing gesture offered to you.

"You know, I think I kind of miss it"

You pulled back immediately, eyes wide at her admission. You point your index finger to her disapprovingly. "Don't you dare, Rissa"

"Or what?" She challenged, the corner of her lips quirked in a playful manner.

"Or..." you fumbled, thinking of an or that could match this seemingly reignited habit of hers.

You straighten and grin, "Or I'll always retaliate by biting this tummy." Your hand immediately found her fluffy stomach again, squeezing to convey your seriousness.

She raised an eyebrow at that, a small smirk on her lips, "Then be ready, darling."

#larissa weems #larissa weems x reader

[flowerandblood]

My Best Friend (3)

[modern! club owner • Aemond x fem!reader]

[warnings: fluff, mention of  stalking, swearing]

[description: Aemond has his own club and often does business at the home of one of his business associates. There he often meets his younger sister, with whom he develops a deeper relationship through shared secrets. This is slow burn love story.]

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Previous and next chapters: Masterlist  

_____

"What was that?" Klaus's voice expressed surprise and uncertainty. Y/N turned to her window and sighed. They were on their way home in a taxi.

"Nothing. Aemond just told me something sad." She said finally, and though it was true, she knew, it didn't sound convincing. Her brother came to the same conclusion.

"That's why you stuck to him and cried?" He asked disapprovingly. Y/N just made a sound of tiredness and resignation.

"Please, have mercy on me today."

Once they got home, Y/N went straight upstairs to her bedroom. She changed into her pajamas, threw herself on the bed, her face down on the pillow, and thought. 

What Aemond had told her kept running through her mind. She understood now, why he was angry with her. He took it personally. If she knew about his past, she would never tell him about Albert, so he wouldn't have to go through it all again. But it was too late.

She knew, he was involved now. That from now on, every conversation with her would remind him, of what that woman had done to him. Just thinking about it made her chest tighten. 

She tried to close her eyes and fall asleep, but she kept seeing an 18-year-old with a 40-year-old woman in her mind. Her heart was pounding. Resigned, she picked up her phone to check the time. It was almost three in the morning.

She was tempted to write to him. Text him, that if she could, she'd strangle her too. But she knew, he wouldn't like it. From what she could see, Aemond didn't like being bothered or texted, unless it was nothing important. 

When they left the club, he seemed tired and resigned. She felt, that he regretted having told her all this. In addition, she was afraid, that Klaus would start to isolate her from him, thinking, that they had something completely different in common.

She jumped as her phone lit up and she heard it vibrate. She saw, that she had one new message. She thought it was Albert again, but when she unlocked the keypad, she saw, it was Aemond. Her heart pounded hard in her chest, she felt shivers. She opened the message.

A: "Are you sleeping?"

She replied quickly.

Y: "No. Something happened?"

She held the phone waiting, but instead of a message, she saw an incoming call. Aemond. 

She stared at the screen, her heart pounding wildly. She didn't have the strength for another confrontation with him, but since he was calling her of his own free will, he apparently couldn't sleep himself. 

She picked it up and pressed the phone to her ear, lowering the volume of the speaker with her finger, so that no one couldn't accidentally hear, what he might have said.

"Hi" She said softly, almost a whisper. 

There was silence on the other end. She heard his sigh, so she knew, he was there. She could feel his embarrassment even over the phone. She guessed, that he was furious with himself, and if he could, he'd erase the memory of his confession from her mind. But it was too late. After a long pause, she decided to take pity on him.

"I won't tell anyone. I promise. I know you regret telling me that." She said softly. For some reason, her throat was constricted." Don't think about it and try to rest."

She heard another sigh, longer this time.

"Good night." He said softly and hung up.

***

Aemond woke with a lump in his throat. He couldn't forgive himself for the sudden hole in his mind, that made him tell Y/N about this embarrassing event in his life. He didn't want her to look at him with pity now, like his mother who had never forgiven herself, for letting this woman into their house. 

He stared at the ceiling for a moment, his mind blank. He laughed at his own desperation, at the fact, that he had called her and couldn't get a word out. He was just pathetic in his eyes.

He remembered, that Klaus was having a birthday party at their house in two days. He'd invited everyone a few months ago, probably including Albert. The last thing he wanted was to be there, but the thought of Y/N and Albert being alone with so many people, chilled his blood.

On the day of the party, Aemond decided to drive straight from his club to them. When he arrived at their house, there were already plenty of cars parked in the driveway. From their garden came the sounds of music, barbecues and people talking. It was a pleasant, sunny and summer evening.

Aemond walked around the house, going straight to the garden. The party was impressive. Several tables were set up, so that the most important customers and business partners sat together, and friends and family together. Colorful ribbons were hung, loudspeakers stood around, a hired crew added food from catering to platters on special tables. 

Off the beaten track stood a tiny bar, also manned by a man, and crowded around it. Aemond saw Klaus in the crowd. He was talking to a man, who looked like his father. He didn't look pleased. Aemond wondered, if Klaus was talking to him about Albert.

"Aemond!" He heard a happy, and at the same time, confused voice from behind him. 

He turned to see, that Y/N was standing in front of him, smiling warmly. She was wearing a simple, short floral dress in blue and white, highlighting her eyes and dark hair. The front strands of her hair were pinned back, as his own, apparently to keep them out of her way. 

It was obvious, that she was hot, holding a platter in her hand. Apparently, she was watching over the whole event. 

"How nice, that you came." She spoke softly, and he knew, that she meant it. 

“Do you want me to make you a drink? The bar is crowded, but we still have plenty of supplies in the kitchen." She said, the corner of her mouth twitching, as if she wanted to laugh.

“No, thank you.” He replied politely, not wanting to add more work to her.

"Come.” She nodded at him and he just followed her. He wondered, if he should return to the topic, that they had brought up at the club, when a voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Oh, who am I seeing! I knew coming here was a good idea." A mature woman in an elegant black dress approached him with big smile. Her hair was tied up in an unruly bun. 

Aemond freezed, and Y/N with him, looking at the woman in surprise. Aemond had the feeling, that he was about to sink into the ground.

"Kate." He said calmly, in surprise. "Hi."

The woman laughed as he paused.

"And that's it? Are you ashamed of me in front of your little friend?" She asked, looking at him with raised eyebrows, her voice amused.

Y/N blushed in embarrassment, which didn't escape his notice. She wanted to say, that she'd go away and won't bother them, but Aemond spoke first.

"I am not ashamed. I just have nothing to say to you." He said dryly and coldly, infuriated by her remark. 

“Come on” He said to Y/N, without looking at her and they walked ahead. Y/N followed him, but didn't miss Kate's hurt expression.

They walked through the crowd in silence. Y/N set the platter she was carrying back in its place. They both stood silently for a moment, the music pounding around them, making Aemond feel, like his head would explode. 

He looked at her. She wasn't looking at him, but somewhere to the side, lost in thought. For a moment, he thought of apologizing to her, but he knew, that would make her want to ask questions. He didn't want that. He decided to change the subject. 

"I guess I need that drink after all." He admitted resignedly.

Y/N finally looked at him, a slight smile of amusement betraying, that she understood the allusion. She looked at him sympathetically and they both headed towards her house. 

They climbed the stairs from the terrace, crossed the hall, and reached the kitchen. The warm, orange light of the setting sun streamed in through the windows. They were alone.

"What will you drink?" She asked, opening the bar. He had to admit, that the arsenal of alcoholes they had was impressive. He knelt beside her, sorting through the bottles, finally selecting one of the whiskeys. 

Y/N also made herself something to drink, vodka mixed with mango juice and ice. They took a sip from their glasses, the music still pounding in the background. 

He could see from her expression, that she was barely biting her tongue to keep from asking about the woman, that they had encountered. He appreciated her fight with herself. Most of the women he met didn't care, if he wanted to answer their questions.

His face hardened, as he saw Albert appear in the kitchen. He smiled at the sight of them, but it was a smile, that did not reach his eyes. 

He was a tall, handsome man. His blond hair was neatly styled and combed. His jacket and shirt were perfectly ironed. Y/N pressed herself tighter against the kitchen cupboards, as if that would protect her from him in any way.

"Am I interrupting something?" He asked, partly amused, partly ironically.

Aemond stared at him silently.

"Get the fuck out." He said finally. Y/N looked at him in horror. Albert laughed and shook his head, as if he had misheard.

"Excuse me?"

"Get the fuck out. It's a private conversation." He said coldly, his gaze dark and intense. 

Y/N felt, that Aemond could really do something to Albert. She was so shocked, that she couldn't utter a word. Albert probably did not expect such a turn of events. He laughed under his breath, but his look did not express any amusement.

"So I'm interrupting. I see. I thought, that you liked much older women."

Y/N felt her heart jump into her throat. She stared at Aemond with wide eyes, terrified, afraid of his reaction. For some reason, she was having a hard time catching her breath.

"I heard, that you like to send pictures of your dick to girls, who don't want to look at it." He evaporated through clenched teeth. 

The atmosphere in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Y/N breathed heavily as Criston entered the room.

"Hi! Why are you all hiding here?" He asked, looking at everyone in turn. Seeing their expressions, he was confused. "Everything's all right?"

Albert started to reply, but Aemond was faster.

"Yes. Albert was just telling us about his new investments.” His voice was ironic and cold. He took a sip of his whiskey, keeping his eye on Albert. Albert snorted and laugh, walked over to Aemond. He patted him on the shoulder.

"You're a good friend. Have fun today.” He said, glanced briefly at Y/N and left.

Criston was asking questions about some light subjects, but even though Aemond and Y/N were answering them, it felt like their minds were somewhere else. 

Y/N knew, that Aemond had declared open war to Albert, and she knew, he wasn't going to let it go. Her whole body was tense like a string. Even though it was very warm, her body was shivering cold. 

Someone outside called Criston. Aemond assured him, that they would join him soon. Once they were alone, they looked at each other. There was nothing to say. Y/N's face showed desperation. Aemond was furious.

Y/N sucked in a breath as he grabbed her arm rather roughly and pulled her towards him, so that she bumped into him. Instinctively, she set her drink down on the counter beside them and snuggled up to him, hugging him tight, burying her face into his chest, as if she wanted to melt into him. 

Surprisingly, he hugged her just as tightly. She could feel his heart literally pounding like crazy. His grip was steel. The pleasant smell of his perfume filled her nostrils and somehow soothed her. She felt both of them breathing heavily and with difficulty.

"Don't leave me alone with him." She said softly, her eyes wide open, her breath ragged.

"You will sit next to me. All evening. Do you understand?" He asked, his tone brooking no objection.

She nodded her head, swallowing.

"Thank God, you're here." She whispered and closed her eyes.

Her confession made him feel a stab in his chest. Moved by some unfamiliar, intense feeling, he kissed the top of her head and buried his nose in her hair. Y/N froze. 

When he realized, what he had done, he released her immediately and reached for his drink. They looked at each other, her cheeks red. The scent of her hair still echoed in his nose. He swallowed and was silent for a moment.

"Let's go." He said finally.

#aemond x you #aemond targaryen #aemond x y/n #aemond fanfiction #aemond fic #aemond x oc #aemond x fem!reader #prince aemond #aemond one eye #hotd aemond #ewan mitchell #aemond fluff

[gardenerian]

thoughts on ian’s face in the “sorry im late” scene in 5x8 (i think it’s 5x8)

my thoughts are that i am going to start crying and never stop. my additional thoughts are:

so he's in bed, right? he's been trying mickey all day, meanwhile mickey has been going through his own process at home. but ian is thinking that he might have finally pushed mickey away for good - or scared him away. so he's in bed, eyes shut - probably not sleeping, but just laying there. shutting out the rest of the day. he hears someone behind him and his eyes kinda open. it's when he hears mickey though that his breathing picks up and we go from this:

to this:

like it's so slight, but like. the little flutters and the way his eyes start to move 😭 there's life left there. i feel like...... in moments like this, it sometimes feels like you might just lay there until you're dust. it's all over. the life you knew, the life you wanted. and yet - here he is again. and i think ian is genuinely surprised. this is where is starts being surprising to ian that he could be someone to come back for.

anyways. he turns around as fast as his medicated body will let him. we don't see his face when he first sees mickey, but we see it when he says "sorry i'm late." and it reminds me of the scene in 4x11 where mickey says "what you and i have makes me free." like it makes me insane. in both of these moments, his face just drops into something so young and so vulnerable.

like???? he's a little boy! and here is someone standing in front of him - someone he he has ALWAYS WANTED to stand in front of him - promising to be there. that he knows ian needed him. that he's here now for whatever might happen. reality is so warped these days but here he is.

and you see it land??? you see ian exhale and settle in a way he probably hasn't in a while. things are not okay. they're not okay!!! and they won't be for a while. but in this little moment together in this room where he grew up, he can breathe out the grief. he can share it.

mickey moves to get in bed and ian just makes room, like he always has. but he never blinks. doesn't dare take his eyes off of mickey. it's like he's scared mickey might change his mind, or dissolve right in front of him. is he even really there?

and there's another layer of disbelief here. another layer of grief. mickey milkovich is crawling back into his bed to hold him, and it's like this. it happened like this. everything he's done and suffered and been made to face comes down all at once. he's tired, he's scared. he's sorry. mickey has finally seen the worst of him.

he looks away, and mickey chases after him. i think it's important to mickey here that he lets ian feel him. something about that tactile, grounding comfort. and mickey won't look away either, it's too precious. ian's safe, even if nothing is the same.

and it's here, in these quivering lips and drawn eyebrows...... this is the release. his body and his mind have been through a lot in the last few days. it's as close to cathartic as ian really gets for a while. it's not long before the walls go back up and he's angry. but right now, he brings his hand to hold mickey's wrist, and he lets himself be held.

now.... this face:

this face fucking haunts me. i cannot name this face. what is he seeing here? i imagine it's so hard to see past this moment, into a future he can't name. it's like he's simultaneously feeling mickey there and also completely isolated. i can't explain this face. can anyone else explain this face???

either way, he closes his eyes against it. and you can assume that rest is coming.

with mickey keeping watch.

#i am legitimately in tears #i think...... #our focus as a fandom has shifted in a lot of ways #to our beloved himbo husbands and the silly slutty soft snarky future they share #and like! yes! yes let's! that's what they deserve! #don't mistake me i fucking love it #but the farther away we get from THIS #the harder it gets to come back to it #it becomes this abstract thing #and we end up saying things like #their history or what they overcame #or everything they've been through #it almost softens it #not saying that we need to be harping on the tragedy #it just feels so distant to the point where it's memed and convoluted #we've kind of desensitized ourselves? #i know we've probably said a lot of what we need to say #i don't think we need to constantly relive it or anything #i'm not making any sense #i don't know #this can be such a lonely way to live is all #i'm tired #ily anon #mel answers #5x08 #bipolar ian

[requiemsystem]

RECOVERING PROGRAMMED PARTS

Trigger warning for discussion of RAMCOA and programming. This post will be focused on programmed parts recovering, I will mainly be speaking from my personal experience. If other survivors have more to add on, you are more than welcome to reblog this post and add your experience and advice. First, I want to preface this post by saying that everyone's experience is going to be different. No two systems are the same, the same applies to programmed systems and programmed parts. Recovery for these parts will entirely depend on what they have been programmed to do or believe. Show them kindness. Arguably the most important first step, showing kindness and acceptance to these parts is extremely important. Remember that they do not do these things out of choice, but rather out of trauma and feeling a need to do so. You do not have to condone their behaviors, and you are allowed to feel hurt by them, but you should not take this out on them. They are just as traumatized as any other part in the system. Start slow. There is no rush to recovery. Recovery is also not always linear, and setbacks do not mean you are back at square one. Try encouraging your programmed parts to take small steps outside of their programmed roles, if it is safe to do so. For example, a part who is programmed to be aggressive may be encouraged to do something calming such as going for a walk or listening to some music. Find new jobs for them. In our experience, many programmed parts struggle with the thought of not having a job or "purpose". This may not be the case for your programmed parts, but if you notice this type of thinking, try to help them find jobs that they are comfortable with that benefit the system in current life. For example, a high-ranking internal handler may have a lot of knowledge about the system and could do a good job of keeping track of information about the system in a helpful and healthy way. Help them find themselves. Having a more beneficial job and experiences outside of trauma is a good start, but often helping these parts find more of a sense of identity can help them recover as well, when it is safe for them to do so. For example, many programmed parts in our system are involuntarily assigned a title, choosing a name when they feel ready is incredibly healing for them. There is no rush to do this, and you should not try to force any part who is not ready into doing this, especially if they feel that they may be punished by other parts. Help them question things. Ideally, this should be done with the help of a therapist. Helping these parts question the things they were taught to believe can be incredibly helpful, but it must be done on their own terms, when they feel ready, and very carefully. Please do not try to force beliefs onto them, but rather give them space to question what they were taught on their own terms, when they are ready to do so. My experience. I was a high-ranking internal programmer for quite some time, and a few months ago I started making an attempt to recover. I began speaking to people both inside and outside my system who did not share my role, and because of this I was able to begin questioning some of the things that I had been taught. I am still not completely free of all of my beliefs, but when they do come up, I do my best to remind myself that those are things other people instilled into me as opposed to my own conclusions. The things that have been most helpful in my recovery have been other individuals showing me kindness and acceptance, despite my actions, and the ability to do things on my own terms, when I feel ready. If anyone has anything to add to this, or any questions, feel free to reblog or send us an ask. I will do my best to answer any questions, and I would appreciate any additions to this post, as I think sharing healing information is something that should be done more often. - Adonis

#tw ramcoa #did osdd #did system #osdd did #osdd system #actually dissociative #trauma survivor #osddid #actually did #polyfrag #cdd system #ramcoa survivor #programmed system #tbmc #polyfragmented #ramcoa #persecutor #did alters #osdd #tw programming

[hold-my-dr-pepper]

ok ok ok. incoming tw for sui ide mentions and correlating depression mentions, but i feel like this needs to be said

those posts that say "this is your sign to stay alive !!! you are loved !!!" are all good and well meaning, but as a fellow sufferer of the Big Sad, at least for me, these are quite unhelpful. they dont know you. they dont interact with you. its like filming buying a homeless person a $1 mcdonalds coffee.

so im gonna share some tips and general thoughts that have helped me.

when you want to hurt yourself:

-get a rubber band/hair tie, wear it around your wrist, and snap it. my psychiatrist actually recommended i do this. it stings a bit, but ultimately, it's better than taking a knife to your arm.

-draw with a red marker on the body area you want to hurt. stitches are my go-to, but it can be literally anything. try not to use the super thin tipped markers if you can help it because you could start digging them into your skin, and thats counterproductive.

if anyone else has tips for this specific section, feel free to chime in.

when you're having serious thoughts about killing yourself:

-write. journal, story, ramble. just write. write your thoughts and feelings in a notebook. project your feelings onto a fictional character (try not to get too attached to the character you're killing). depending on what you write, it can also be distracting and help get your mind off the Thoughts (comedy, romance, the like).

-text/call/talk to someone. doesn't have to be a professional at first. doesn't have to be about suicide either. text a friend, try to talk about other topics (jokes, fandoms, music, literally anything). if they notice something's off/if you want to tell them outright, TELL. THEM. more likely than not, they want to help you help yourself and will tell an adult, or even call a hotline, for you.

-tell your parents. im sure i'll get backlash for this, but no matter the situation, most parents genuinely do not want their child dead. they will help you. if they dont, burn them to the ground go back to the previous point, and try talking to a friend instead.

-keep the lights on. being such a raccoon myself, i enjoy sitting in the dark. it can be comfortable. but it can also be dangerous. i dont know if there's some science behind it, but for me, turning on my bedroom lights and/or opening the window blind has at least distracted me from the more serious Thoughts.

these are all the coping mechanisms i can think of off the top of my head. i might edit this later if i think of more. this is a heavier topic than what i usually talk about, but what with recent personal events and other things, i generally wanted to get this off my chest.

additions to the lists are appreciated, but i judt wanted to try and help other people yk

make sure you know your hotline numbers and hospital locations, and stay safe. 🫶🏻

#tw sui ide #depression tw #rant/vent #lord this took me forever to type i kept making typos it was so ANNOYING #idk how to like end this post so uh #drop kicks this post into the void

[celestialcrowley]

Hello, hello, hello! I've conjured up my first meta(ish). I wanted to look more closely at the color yellow because it symbolizes lots of things. This is from memory, so forgive me if I've got anything wrong or if this has been discussed by someone else. Yellow symbolizes optimism, energy, joy, happiness and friendship. Aziraphale possesses all of those qualities in addition to sharing a close friendship with Crowley. We’re hereditary enemies. You’re really not. Yellow can also symbolize intellect. How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid? Crowley is correct. Aziraphale is very clever and dangerously so, but he almost seems to keep it under wraps. Why don't you come up with a plan of your own? I have, but rescuing me makes him so happy. This color can also symbolize jealousy, betrayal, illness and danger. Interesting. Jealousy: Are you jealous, angel? How’s your naked man friend? He’s not — he’s not my [looks panicked at Crowley who looks jealous]. Betrayal: Aziraphale lies to Heaven a lot. In the beginning, he worried that he did the wrong thing and, at another point, thought Crowley showed up to take him to Hell. But he's apparently not that bothered by potential consequences because he just ... keeps on lying. Illness: I only ever asked questions. That's all it took to be a demon in the old days. Crowley was clearly struggling with himself there, and it happens later as well. What’s the point of it all? Danger: Something smells evil. The angel who spoke that line — Sandalphon — was, I believe, wearing a yellow suit when he visited the bookshop with Gabriel. About that — I squinted at the screen at that line because Anthony “Ji’mNotNice” Crowley is actually quite nice. He’s not fooling anyone. He’s certainly not fooling Azirapalalala. Yellow is also strongly associated with food, often evoking cheerful feelings. What does Aziraphale love? Food. And Crowley apparently loves watching him eat. Lastly, the walls in Aziraphale's bookshop (and in Job and Shadwell’s bedroom) are yellow. The dimly lit lamps on Aziraphale’s desk seem to provide a near constant yellow hue as well as the chandelier he brought down for the ball. He also turned Crowley’s Bentley yellow when he took it for a drive. But it's pretty. I wonder what else is pretty yellow. Crowley's eyes. There are other colors used in Good Omens that I could perhaps later talk about — green, the Stairway to Hell and Hell, blue, the walls in Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death and purple, the color of Gabriel's eyes, and possibly shades of grey. Feel free to add your own thoughts if you'd like! I am here for all of it.

#good omens #crowley #aziraphale #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #aziraphale x crowley #crowley x aziraphale #david tennant #michael sheen #azicrow #good omens meta

[mostlysignssomeportents]

The seductive, science fictional power of spreadsheets

Tomorrow (Apr 30) at 2PM, I’ll be at the San Francisco Public Library with my new book, Red Team Blues, hosted by Annalee Newitz.

This week, John Scalzi was kind enough to let me write a guest-editorial for his Whatever blog about the themes in my new crime technothriller, Red Team Blues; specifically, about the ways that spreadsheets embody the power and the pitfalls of science fiction at its best and worst:

https://whatever.scalzi.com/2023/04/26/the-big-idea-cory-doctorow-2/

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/29/gedankenexperimentwahn/#high-on-your-own-supply

Yes, spreadsheets. Marty Hench (the protagonist of Red Team Blues) is a 67-year-old forensic accountant who specializes in unwinding Silicon Valley financial frauds, a field he basically invented 40 years ago, when, as a PC-struck MIT dropout, he moved from Cambridge to San Francisco to recover the stolen millions hidden in spreadsheets.

Working through this book — and its two sequels, which travel back in time to the 1980s and Marty’s first encounters with VisiCalc and Lotus 1–2–3 — I was struck by the similarities between spreadsheets and science fiction.

While many people use spreadsheets as an overgrown calculator, adding up long columns of numbers, the rise and rise of spreadsheets comes from their use in modeling. Using a spreadsheet, a complex process can be expressed as a series of mathematical operations: we put these inputs into the factory and we get these finished goods. Once the model is built, we can easily test out contrafactuals: what if I add a third shift? What if I bargain harder for discounts on a key component? If I give my workers a productivity-increasing raise, will the profits make up for the costs?

These are the questions that anyone managing a complex system asks themselves all the time. Historically, the answers have sprung from intuition, from fingerspitzengefühl — the “fingertip feeling” of how a system’s components work and what their potential and limitations are. But intuition can calcify, become a rigid set of rules that increasingly diverge from the best strategy.

By contrast, spreadsheets yield a set of crisp, instantly tallied answers to any question you put to them. Change the input and watch as that change ripples through the whole system in an eyeblink. If you’re adding three more people to your camping trip, will the amount of additional water require renting another vehicle? No need to guess: just check and see.

This has a lot in common with science fiction, a genre full of thought experiments that ask Heinlein’s famous three questions:

What if?

If only, and

If this goes on…

These contrafactuals are incredibly useful and important. As critical tools, science fiction’s parables about the future are the best chance we have for resisting the inevitabilism that insists that technology must be used in a certain way, or must exist at all. Science fiction doesn’t just interrogate what the gadget does, but who it does it for and who it does it to:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/03/20/love-the-machine/#hate-the-factory

One of science fiction’s key methods comes from sf grandmaster Theodore Sturgeon: “ask the next question.” Ask a question, then ask “what happens next?” Do it again, and again, and again:

https://christopher-mckitterick.com/Sturgeon-Campbell/Sturgeon-Q.htm

This technique produces excellent, critical ways of interrogating technological narratives — check out this delightful example of the possible pipeline from self-driving cars to ransomware gangs to mutual aid societies to the reinvention of the train:

https://dduane.tumblr.com/post/715940904747352064/you-can-make-your-mercedes-ev-go-faster-for-60-a

The commonalities between sf and spreadsheets don’t stop there — sf and spreadsheets share pitfalls, too. A spreadsheet is a model and a model is not the thing it models. The map is not the territory. Every time a messy, real-world process is converted to a crisp, mathematical operation, some important qualitative element is lost.

Modeling is an intrinsically lossy operation. That’s why “all models are wrong, but some models are useful.” There is no process so simple that it can be losslessly converted to a model. Even the actions of the nanoscale transistors in a microchip, which toggle between “0” and “1,” are rarely in a state of “no voltage” and “voltage.” That clean, square-wave line that’s used to describe what happens in a chip is a lie — that is to say, it is a model.

The wave isn’t square, it’s a squiggly line that hovers around zero and around one. Under normal circumstances, “zero” and “zero-ish” is a distinction without a difference. But when computers go wrong, it’s sometimes because a sufficiently ambiguous “zero-ish” acts like a “one.” That’s true all the way up the stack. On engineering diagrams, the nanoscale lines that electrons travel along inside a chip are represented as sharp paths, the kind of thing a Tron-cycle would lay down. But in the real world, we get all kinds of weird effects at that scale — electrons sometimes tunnel through those lines, performing a spooky quantum trick that reminds us that Newtononian physics are also just a model.

Every real-world phenomenon contains qualitative and quantitative elements, but computers can only do math on the quantitative parts. This creates a powerful temptation to incinerate the qualitative and perform operations on whatever dubious quantitative residue is left in the crucible, often with disastrous results.

Remember during lockdown, when a pair of University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign physicists produced a model of covid spread that predicted that the campus could safely reopen, predicting no more than 500 cases over the entire semester and no more than 100 cases at any one time? The physicists were openly contemptuous of their epidemiologist peers, saying that this kind of model making lacked the “intellectual thrill” of real science.

UI was so swayed by the crisp, precise model that they invited students back to campus — only to shut down again in a matter of weeks, with 780 active cases on campus and more rolling in every day.

The model reduced qualitative factors — like the propensity of undergrads to get drunk, take off their masks, and lick each others’ eyeballs — to a quantitative probability, using the highly precise, scientific technique of taking a wild-ass guess. That guess was wrong. The campus reopening was a super-spreader event.

Any model runs the risk of hiding the irreducible complexity of qualitative factors behind a formula, turning uncertainty into certainty and humility into arrogance.

Think of how we replaced contact tracing with exposure notification. Contact tracing has a qualitative foundation: public health workers establish rapport with infected people, win their trust, and get them to fully enumerate the places they’ve been and the activities they participated in.

By contrast, exposure notification measures whether two Bluetooth radios were within range of each other for a predetermined interval. It substitutes signal strength for a person’s own understanding of their experience. Now, people can be wrong about their own experience — we lose track of time, we misremember emotionally charged events, and so on — but that doesn’t mean we can substitute Bluetooth measurements for personal experience.

That’s why, despite all the clever privacy-preserving math and interesting analysis, exposure notification was a bust, something between a distraction and a false-confidence-generating disaster. Contact tracing ended the 2014 ebola outbreak. Exposure notification just wasted a lot of time:

https://locusmag.com/2021/05/cory-doctorow-qualia/

It’s just too easy to forget which parts of a model are based on guesses and which parts are based on ground truth. And even if you can keep track of those differences, it’s even harder to re-check the model’s ground truth to determine whether the underlying factors have changed. That’s how we got into so much trouble with collateralized debt obligations, which were supposed to be “risk-free” mortgage derivatives that could be safely insured and invested in.

The formulas behind CDO hedging were designed by some of the world’s smartest mathematicians and physicists, who simply assumed that market actors — from loan-originating bank officers to insurance underwriters — would act in reliable, predictable ways. They were so very wrong that they brought the world economy to the brink of ruin:

https://www.wired.com/2009/02/wp-quant/

This is also science fiction’s failure-mode: any science fictional “ask-the-next-question” exercise represents a series of guesses or speculations or maybe possibilities — but when you combine that guesswork with the deceptive certainty that comes from inhabiting a cracking story, it’s easy to mistake “guessing” for “prediction.”

Prediction is hard, especially about the future. The assumptions that go into a prediction are always incomplete, not least because human beings have free will and agency and can change the circumstances that go into the assumptions. The very best science fiction embodies this principle. I’m thinking here of the likes of Ada Palmer, an historian and sf writer whose deep historical knowledge informs her sf and her pedagogy at the University of Chicago:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/02/10/monopoly-begets-monopoly/#terra-ignota

Palmer is famous — even notorious — for her annual four-week undergraduate LARP in which students re-enact the election of the Medicis’ Pope. It’s four weeks of alliances, betrayal and skullduggery by the students, each of whom is enacting the agenda of a real-world Cardinal or other power-broker.

The final investiture is done in full costume at the university’s massive faux-gothic cathedral, and going into that climax, of the four candidates, two are always the same, because the great forces of history are bearing down on that moment to ensure that the champions of the two dominant power-blocs are in the running. But the other two? They’re never the same — because the agency of the actors jockeying for power change the outcome, every single time, in absolutely unpredictable ways.

Like any other model, sf is wrong, but sometimes useful. Thinking about jetpacks and flying cars is “useful” insofar as it gets us to interrogate how we think about cities, about mobility, about privilege and geography. But it’s not a prediction. Worse, the endless tales in which flying cars are presented a fait accompli is a gift to grifters raising money for the objectively stupid idea of flying cars. After all, we all know flying cars are inevitable, so it’s basically a risk-free investment, right? With flying cars just around the corner, wouldn’t it be irresponsible to build a city with mass-transit instead of helipads?

There’s a whole range of thought-experiments that got transformed into predictions and then certainties: self-driving cars, “general artificial intelligence,” infinite life-extension, space colonization, faster-than-light travel, cryptocurrency, etc etc.

Spreadsheets don’t just lead their users astray — they also trick their creators. The very same people who transform wild-assed guesses about hairy, unknowable outcomes into neat mathematical relationships are perfectly capable of acting as if those relationships are based on fact, rather than supposition. The Great Financial Crisis wasn’t just about people who didn’t understand the uncertainty in the hedging algorithm going all-in — the people who made those models were also fooled by them.

It’s very easy to get high on your own supply. I’ll never forget the sf convention panel I was on with Robert Silverberg about sf’s supposed predictive value, where the subject of Robert A Heinlein came up, and Silverberg sniffed, and, in that trademark bone-dry way of his, said, “Ah yes, ‘Robert A Timeline.’”

Sf isn’t just full of writers who mistake their suppositions for predictions — the canon is full of tales in which brilliant people can and do predict the future, with near-perfection. Think of Hari Seldon, the hero of Asimov’s Foundation series, who is able to forecast the future several millennia out. Or Heinlein’s first-ever story, “Life-Line,” in which a genius inventor destroys the insurance industry by creating a computer that can predict your exact date of death using statistical methods.

There’s something wild about this phenomenon, in which writers make stuff up and then assume that anything that cool must also be accurate. One tantalizing explanation for this comes from EL Doctorow’s (no relation) essay “Genesis,” from his 2007 collection “The Creationists”:

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/41520/creationists-by-e-l-doctorow/

Doctorow tells the history of the Genesis story, which the Hebrews plagiarized from the Babylonians. In Doctorow’s telling, the Babylonian mystics who made up the Genesis story assumed that it had to be true, because they considered themselves to be nowhere near imaginative enough to have come up with something as great as Genesis. An idea that amazing had to be divinely inspired.

I like this because it’s a story of being led astray by humility, rather than hubris.

Imaginative exercises — whether or not they are assisted by mathematical models and self-updating digital spreadsheets — are powerful tools for thinking about the future we want, and to guide our attempts to make that future come true. All models are wrong but some models are useful, of course!

I’m on tour with Red Team Blues right now — I’m writing this post while waiting for my flight to San Francisco, where I’m appearing at the public library with Annalee Newitz tomorrow (4/30) at 2PM:

https://sfpl.org/events/2023/04/30/author-cory-doctorow-and-annalee-newitz-conversation-red-team-blues

One especially fun stop on this tour will be on May 5, at the Books, Inc in Mountain View, where I’ll be talking about the book with Mitch Kapor, the creator of Lotus 1–2–3, who knows a thing or two about spreadsheets:

https://www.booksinc.net/event/cory-doctorow-books-inc-mountain-view

The tour is bringing me to Berkeley, Vancouver, Calgary, DC, Gaithersburg, Toronto, PDX, Nottingham, Hay, London, Manchester, Edinburgh and Berlin — I hope to see you!

https://craphound.com/novels/redteamblues/2023/04/26/the-red-team-blues-tour-burbank-sf-pdx-berkeley-yvr-edmonton-gaithersburg-dc-toronto-hay-oxford-nottingham-manchester-london-edinburgh-london-berlin/

Catch me on tour with Red Team Blues in Mountain View, Berkeley, San Francisco, Portland, Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, DC, Gaithersburg, Oxford, Hay, Manchester, Nottingham, London, and Berlin!

[Image ID: A Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet with green-on-black, low-res type; its center has an irregular vignette revealing a space station.]

#pluralistic #el doctorow #parables #gedankenexperiments #contrafactuals #qualitative factors #quantization #collateralized debt obligations #cdos #science fiction #false precision #great financial crisis #models #spreadsheets #red team blues #the map is not the territory #warnings #prediction #fingerspitzengefühl

[starseneyes]

Chenford - Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 5 - Ep 13

Daddy Cop AKA "Friends Don't Let Friends Murder Board… Alone"

After watching 5x13, I really didn't think I could write the Meta until I had 5x14 for additional context. But after taking a step back and re-evaluating my hangups, I found a way. I do hope you enjoy it!

SPOILER ALERT: If you're looking for a nice, safe, spoiler-free zone... I'm sorry, this ain't it. I will spoil the entirety of the episode and perhaps the entire series to date. It's a LOT of fun, though, if you're up for it!

Ready to see what awaits our delightful duo now that Chenford Coitus has been achieved? Let's dive in!

Nobody Puts Timmy In A Corner

Lucy is sitting at the back of Roll Call so she can keep an eye on Tim. He doesn't even have to turn around for her to feel the misery coming off of him, even through the walls.

Tim hates this. But it's what he has to do for love, right?

My Chair is Moving

Like, this was so personal, and yet so sweet. She totally turned his chair toward her, and he was happy to go along because—let's be real—she's the best part of his day.

Seeing Tim without his set up for his camera on his chest is strange. I know it hasn't been there all along series-wise, but it really stood out to me watching this scene. No need for them to monitor what he's doing with the public because he no longer see the public. He sees... part of a window.

It's been one week based on Canon, so we know he's already bored out of his mind... no matter what he tells his girlfriend. (I will never get over getting to call Lucy Chen that! She's Tim Bradford's girlfriend)

"I thought we said we wound never lie to each other."

There are a million conversations happening between these two that we never see. We have fan fiction where we can speculate on it, but at first blush I really appreciated this glimpse into their shared code.

Now, they spend the entire episode going against said code (which I'll get into at the end of this Meta), but I do like that we have insight into what happens when the camera's not rolling between Tim and Lucy.

"That was a lie." "You're miserable."

She knows her man. I mean, anyone paying attention can tell that Tim's having a horrible time working at a desk. Now, he's got productivity up and whatnot, but he's miserable.

We saw him make the sacrifice play in 5x12, but now seeing him living it is akin to us hearing about the Monster that was his father and then meeting the man, ourselves. It's about as bad as imagined, in both cases, but there's something about seeing it that makes it more "real".

Desk work for Tim Bradford is bleak. But, he'll do whatever it takes to be with the woman he loves.

"No. It's not that bad. Nice people. Low stress. Wait, wait that reminds me... next week." "Thank you." "You're welcome. Be safe out there. I'll see you at the end of shift."

I'm reminded of 4x01 when Lucy asked Tim to be careful over the phone. "I always am," he said. This time, it's Tim who's staying in place and Lucy who's on the move.

And the face she gave him when he gave her the thumbs up? Like, "don't give me the bad baseball thumbs up!" She gives him an aghast look, but he follows up quickly enough to reference the end of shift—his happy place.

The same schedule means they can see each other every day, yes, but during the day it's bloody torture for Tim. There was a song in my youth about living for the weekends. Right now, Tim is living for end-of-shift. (originally I typoed to "end-of-shirt" and that kinda works, too, if ya know what I mean)

When she walks away, he exhales, thinking his charade worked. Hell, no, Tim, my boy. Your girl knows when you're hurting. ("I rode long enough with you to know when you are being you and when you're upset")

Lucy is in the best relationship of her life. No way she's going to stand still while he's struggling. This is the ultimate give-and-take. Tim steps back for Lucy, Lucy steps up for Tim.

"I'm just trying to find a way to keep him from losing his mind." "Is there no other position he can move into?" "No. Everything's at a standstill."

Stripping away the "do they know" question (which I cover in the summary at the end of this Meta), I'm going to just talk about Nyla and Lucy watching out for Tim.

Lucy intervening on Tim's behalf is not surprising. She stood up for him against the Sergeant who wasn't taking the fender-bender case seriously. She recorded multiple books-on-tape for him so he could study for the Sergeant's exam. Heck, she helped renovate his home while he was dating Discount Barbie.

So, Lucy stepping up for Tim would never be what raised red flags on their relationship status change. Yes, I expected someone to comment on Tim being "punished" or something if they weren't aware of the relationship, but since they didn't, we work with what we've got.

And what we've got is everyone aware that Tim's in a job he hates and wants out of.

"Alright, well, then you're going to have to shake things up… create an opening... It means you've gotta get creative. Find a weak link and start a 5-player trade." "Say more."

"Say more" cracks me up. It's so smooth and welcoming.

Girlfriend is finally seeing an angle for her "find Tim a new job" plan. It reminds me of her telling him, once, that he's the king of coming at problems from a sideways angle. Looks like the student really has become the master!

"Metro would be a good fit for Tim... I mean, Hicks might be up for a transfer, a bit more family time... if he left Metro, Tim could take his spot."

The one part I skipped over here is the part that I think would be an interesting test for Tim and Lucy—can they navigate the brutal hours?

I tried to look up the LA Metro to get a little more intel (yes, I'm that Meta writer), but information's sparse online in terms of actual timelines for the teams and shifts. There's likely good reason for it ("Hey, coppers! When will you be off the streets so we can pilfer some golden duckets?"), but I had to check. It's the journalist in me.

It's not like we've never seen Metro before on this show. I was watching an episode the other day where they radio'd to call in Metro and we saw a bunch of folks we didn't know in tactical vests show up. They'll find ways to tie Tim in, I'm sure, but I'll be curious to see if/how it affects Tim and Lucy's relationship.

"What could go wrong?" "A lot for both you and Tim. If Sergeants feel like they're being manipulated, they will never trust you again. And they talk. So the next time you need a favor, and you will, the answer will be no. Forever. So, tread lightly."

Will there be any consequences for all this? I've seen the speculation, but I think all this warning did was encourage Lucy to be crafty. See Exhibit A below.

"Uh, listen, my roommate is an excellent babysitter and she's always looking for work if you ever need someone."

Never underestimate the power of childcare. Especially for parents of multiples. I only had twins, and I can still imagine the chaos of that poor man's house and life. It's a gift, yes, but I wouldn't wish twins on my worst enemy.

Every time I see a character on a show having multiples, I wonder who in the Writer's Room hated them, because it's a tough, tough road. I love my boys forever and ever. But it's a unique challenge raising multiples.

And Hicks is intrigued. Because finding people to watch multiples can be a nightmare, too. Trust me. I've been there and tried all the sites before I finally gave up on Brick-and-Mortar and started working for myself.

The Gang's All Here

This was my second favorite scene of the entire episode. I love the Found Family trope. I love that there is this core of people who have decided to not only work together, but to do life together.

I don't have that through any of my brick-and-mortar jobs (mostly back-stabbers and high drama, there), but I do have it from University. 20 years with the best friends in the world. So, I see these scenes and I see my own Found Family reflected there.

As each group files in (and someone over on Twitter noted quite brilliantly how each door opening coincides with a different method of announcement—knocking, ringing, walking right in), it's adding the layers to the scene. It's not convoluted or complicated or cachophonic. It's harmonious.

You can see how all these very different people work together, compliment one another, and fit together into a jigsaw puzzle of friendship.

And to know that Tim's friends band together to come to his aid means so much. But I hate that he doesn't know.

I understand the subterfuge of doing something great for someone you love—orchestrating a great something. My husband did it for me through a four-hour scavenger hunt marriage proposal that took me through several cities before arriving in the theater where we met. He had production meetings for that proposal.

So, I'm not frustrated at the fact that Lucy did this without taking credit for it. I've done things in secret for my loveyby and him for me.

However, I wish Tim knew how much he was loved. I don't think he fully comprehends that yet, and since this wasn't used as an opportunity to demonstrate that to him, I'm hoping that'll come down the line.

Look, when you grow up thinking you're unlovable, it's powerful when your friends come through for you.

My husband and I had to get a new fridge a few months back. Old one died. But we couldn't afford to go through a box store, so we went Outlet and had to transport it ourselves. One friend fractured a finger. Four others worked together to dismantle and reassemble it to get it into the house. It took 2 hours. They had come over for Matthew's birthday party and instead we moved a fridge.

And not one person complained. We all laughed. We took hilarious photos. We had an amazing time. Because, finally, we have people in our lives who love us without condition.

Tim has that, too, but I sometimes think he doesn't fully understand it. I do wish he knew how much they love him and how they all came together to help him as an act of love.

And if he doesn't find out about this, I do hope there's still a time down the line when Tim Bradford will fully realize how much his Found Family loves him.

"Oh, you look surprised. Wait, weren't you on the group text?"

I'm DYING. DYING that they have a group chat and somehow Nolan still missed it. I know he said that he unplugs when he gets home (which is a great thing to do, but I don't know if he'll continue to move up the ranks without being more easy-to-reach). But it really made me cackle.

And I have to say that the choice to put the post-its on the windows so they could shoot through was really genius. My favorite logistical decision of the episode. Credit to the writer, director, set designer, or whoever said, "This is the way".

But Tim's reaction to Nolan throwing up his arm to block his way cracked me up. Like, Eric Winter's physicality as Tim never fails to amuse and amaze.

And Lucy's "where the hell do I put these things!?" face had me rolling. Melissa O'Neil has had a lot of room for humor these past few episodes, and it's fun to see her show off her chops.

"Is that Lucy's car?"

Yes, Tim. And Wesley's, James'. It's a party! But, of course, the only one he cares about belongs to his love.

And how on-brand is it for Tim that he doesn't care about the air conditioning ("air conditioning makes you soft") but he was all about getting to watch the game? I cackled.

Tim clocks Lucy across the room and Angela clocks their interaction, casting knowing glances towards Bailey and Nyla. Hermana, never change. That choice was all Alyssa Diaz and I love it.

"You okay?" "Yeah. Couldn't be better."

It's not a lie! But, she certainly has a lot on her mind, and as soon as he walks into the room, Tim's forgotten the game. He's focused solely on her.

Smitty and Lucy

This is a tiny detail I spotted as Lucy walks into the room, but it made me laugh. The sign on the door has been switched to "occupied" but the door is wide open. Did Smitty set it to occupied but forget to close the door? Did someone else switch the sign to warn of Smitty? The possibilities are hilarious!

And Lucy Chen loves Tim Bradford so much that she's willing to make a blind deal with Smitty, of all people. And does Smitty know about Lucy and Tim? Is he writing fanfiction of the two of them at his desk instead of working?

"Nothing weird." "Nothing weird. I promise."

Because with Smitty, you have to clarify. Still, she's braver than I am to make this deal with zero idea what he'll demand in return for this favor.

"Deal."

Taking your husband's words? I stan a couple who are so in love they pick up on one another's phrasing. I can think of two recent examples of Tim ending a conversation with "Deal" from my re-viewings. With Genny at their family house, and with Lucy when she told him to ask her out, again, after she dumped Dead-Weight-Chris.

So, Lucy's subconsciously picking up on Tim's words, and that cracks me up.

My husband picks up on my phrasing, but it's more obvious because I make up things. Like when our twins were tiny and complaining about random things, I'd call them "Complainababy" and if they were congested they were "Conjestababy". Yes, I understand normal people don't do that. I embrace who I am.

And watch how she flexes her hands as soon as she leaves the room to rid herself of the awful feeling of making a deal with the Smitty. Sorry, Lucy, but there won't be enough hand sanitizer in the world to save you from what he has planned for you.

"Hey." "Hey." "I just heard Lauren Fuji is retiring." "Really? That's surprising."

I have thoughts about this that are at the bottom of the episode notes, so skip there if you want my honest thoughts on this right away. Or you can keep reading the Meta and we'll get to that later.

"Don't you get it? It means there's an opening in Metro. Well, at least there was."

This is the first information to Lucy that's new, and she cocks her head at it. Because it is completely plausible that someone else swooped in and took the position she tried so hard to hand-carve for Tim. And that would suck, but it can totally happen.

And I love the way Tim (via Eric Winter) is punctuating his words, here. Tim is pumped up and excited, and it's so beautiful to see. He has been through so much heartache throughout the run of this show. We've seen Tim Bradford at his lowest.

But now we get to see him on the way up in a big way.

"Lieutenant Pine just called me 15 minutes ago, and I'm going over."

Timothy Bradford, you are gushing with excitement as you talk to your woman. I love how he leans forward toward her, like a kid with a secret that they can't help but share on the playground.

"That's great! Congratulations."

Lucy gives him a chest tap because she is truly excited for her man. I'm a tapper, myself, with my husband. So I think it's cute we share that, me and my fictional bestie.

But, she's also looking around the station to see if anyone noticed.

"Thanks. Grey gave me rock star review." "Well, he should. You're amazing."

Lucy's heart eyes and Tim's smile are sending me. He is smiling with all his teeth and every beautiful laugh line is alight with pure joy.

I'm also strangely excited to learn that Eric Winter's nose wrinkles like mine when he smiles big, sometimes, and that's so oddly comforting. My Eldest's nose does the same thing.

And how telling is it that we've had 5 years of watching Tim Bradford before I knew this little fact about his smile because we have never seen him smile like this before?

"I'm excited." *giggle* "I'm excited!"

There is something so sweet about excitement being such a foreign emotion to Tim that he has to verbalize it. Like it's bubbling out of him at a rate he can't control because he isn't accustomed to joy.

The last time he was happy, he was working the beat and was married to Isabelle. But, I argue, this is joy, not happiness bred of happenstance. Tim Bradford is bubbling with joy.

Professionally, his greatest fear has been advancing to the point that he's trapped at a desk. Tim likes to be on the streets, in the middle of the action, making things happen. Sitting might be great for Smitty, but not for Tim.

He took that hit for the love of Lucy. Now, everything in this episode implies that this was a waystation situation, where Tim was waiting for an opening to make a move. Grey tells him to "hang in there" and Nyla seems completely aware that they're waiting for something to open up to move him over.

His main goal in taking this desk job was to keep Lucy at Mid-Wilshire. The icing on the cake was that they got to see each other every day and didn't have to deal with syncing shifts.

Lucy knew before Tim took the job that he'd be positively miserable. The staging literally has him in a corner with his back to Roll Call, his back to the action, his back to what he loves.

Now, he's moving up to Metro, and it's definitely movement forward in his career, gets him back out on the streets, and keeps his relationship with Lucy from crossing any lines that might warrant an IA investigation.

The Tim Bradford we met in the Pilot was a man whose life was on pause. He was in a holding pattern with his job, with his wife, with his sense of self. Lucy entered his life, and it's like someone pressed "Play", again.

And it wasn't even romantic, at the beginning. Lucy is just this ball of light that stepped into his world. At first, it was blinding to him and he bit back at her as much as she snapped at him. But as she refined her glow, he softened his gaze, and they somehow met in the middle when the time was right.

Tim Bradford today is a man who has faced his trauma with his father head-on. Is there still healing to do? Hell, yeah. But he's on his way, now, instead of repressing and avoiding. He's working on his relationship with his little sister.

He's trying to be a complete human being—not only running from the image of his father, but embracing all the best parts of himself and owning them as his own unique identity.

Tim Bradford is closer to himself than he's been in a long time. Peeling back the layers of anguish, trauma, heartache, and abuse... it's taken time. And Lucy's been there for so much of it. For her to be the love of his life? Only fate (and the writers) could weave the tapestry so aptly.

Tim is excited. He has something to look forward to every day in his job. He has something to look forward to every night with the woman he loves. He's no longer looking back. For the first time in his life, Tim can truly look forward with excitement.

And Lucy's giggle!? I love her giggle. I doubt she's ever seen Tim this giddy and it made her giggle. And, yes, we know that she made that happen.

And, let me tell you, it's fun when you can make something happen for the person that you love. Puts a special warmth in your chest the bubbles out, sometimes.

"Let's go to dinner tonight and celebrate."

The cadence here reminds me of Tim telling Angela to proudly show off her baby belly while wedding dress shopping. It's a type of abandon we've heard in Tim's voice only when directed at other people and never at himself.

Tim wants to celebrate this amazing achievement. He wants to celebrate something amazing that happened to him. Before, he wasn't that jazzed about his award, except for how it could help with his forward momentum. Jackson built a shelf for his (with Nolan's help), and Tim probably has his in the back of his closet.

But Tim was excited about making Sergeant (remember his pride hanging up his new uniform before he opened his locker to see the booties?) and he's proud of this. But, it's amplified because Tim Bradford's life is finally coming together.

Career. Love. Found Family (even if he doesn't yet realize it). Sibling Relationship. Finances (he and Genny made bank on that house sale in the LA Real Estate Market). Tim's life is coming up Roses.

"Do you need any help?"

I have seen a few people disappointed that Tim didn't show up to help her at the end, but he asked her if she needed him and she said she had to do it alone.

He's not going to go against her wishes because he has learned to trust her and her judgment. He knows that if she truly needs him, she will ask. Lucy's far past not asking Tim for what she needs.

He talked out Emmett with her once he understood that's what she needed. He gave her a hug after Jackson's death.

"But tomorrow it is a date. We are gonna celebrate you. Congratulations. They're really lucky to have you." "Thank you."

Tim can't help himself. He reaches for her left hand with his right. He wants to touch her. He wants to be closer to her. Because he has never been this happy.

Lucy giggles as he briefly holds her hand before she separates herself. But, I swear, that man looked like he wanted to kiss her right then and there.

"Good Job!"

She taps his arm, again, as he goes. And, wow, I can't remember seeing Tim smile this much with teeth ever. He's beaming as he watches her go, his eyes trailing after her until the last second he can no longer see her.

He nods to himself. "Yup. That's the woman I'm going to marry." Not right this moment, obviously, because we're all enjoying the ride and there's no rush. But, someday. And he knows it.

I've seen folks worried about his face falling, but I think we're simply unaccustomed to seeing Tim's face resolve to neutral after a big smile. Something about his face threw me back to 5x02, so I went back and looked. And, yup, tears in his eyes, here, too. Tears of joy.

Tim Bradford is joyful, my friends. So full of joy that it's overflowing. And after all the heartache, heartbreak, and pure hell of his life... it makes it all the sweeter.

This man would do anything for her. She would do anything for him. In one another they've found their equal—that one person who meets them where they are in intensity and devotion.

One flame does not overwhelm the other, but they help each other's glow brighter and stronger. When one is dimming, the other provides the light.

This give-and-take is the culmination of years of long nights, early mornings, complex conversations, deep dives, flare ups, cool downs, in-jokes, and trust building. It's fictional, sure, but we're getting to see true love in real-time, and I am so thankful for this ride.

"I'll admit, I've been lax about cleaning it." "How lax?" "Either Clinton or Bush was the president." "Which Bush!?"

I laughed so hard at this line. It cracked me up so bad I didn't even hear the next lines. Of course, I went back and figured it out, but I love Smitty. In small doses, he really does add a bit of levity to the show.

Also, Lucy in a hazmat suit!? The things she does for love.

Because, even though we didn't see Tim and Lucy in a post-coital cuddle-fest, or a shirtless trek through Lucy's kitchen, or even a kiss between these two this week... we're getting to see sacrificial love. Not the kind that gives too much, but the kind that gives-and-takes.

Tim and Lucy are in love (even if they haven't uttered the words, yet). They're demonstrating it through how they treat one another, and it's such a beautiful reminder that relationships are so much more than sex and attraction.

It's about growing together, supporting one another, calling each other on your crap, and finding ways through the hardships of life together.

This is a place where The Rookie really excels. They show couples who work through life together, who love each other even when there is no cozy morning-after because they overslept, or the alarm went off too early, or a dog or kid needs something.

Love is complex and layered, and I love that we're not seeing Tim and Lucy in pound town every week. Like, sure, they're going there, but to see a healthy relationship? That is what both Tim and Lucy have lacked until now.

Tim and Lucy finally have a love that matches their souls. I'm grateful for every morsel of it that we get to see on screen. But just knowing that Tim and Lucy are this unbelievably happy and they're together? That's enough for me.

I used to watch Janeway and Chakotay touch once every 10 episodes and call it a victory. Mulder and Scully danced around each other forever and I was able to cope. So, the scenes we get of Chenford feel like four course meals, and I'm thankful to eat them again, and again, and again. The meals... I mean.

So, what were Rachel's hangups on this one? Lies, Clarity, and Metro. For separate reasons, I got a little stuck on these three.

Lies

I have a big problem with lies, as some readers know. When Lucy and Tim mentioned they promised not to lie to one another and then spent the entire episode lying, it got under my skin.

Now, I'm all for Loving Spousal Surprises. I've given them (my husband's 30th Nerf Battle Surprise Birthday) and received them (4-hr scavenger hunt Engagement).

But hearing the promise at the beginning followed by a whole episode of lying triggered my trauma.

I started writing the Meta and it was too colored by my own experiences. So, I stepped back, deleted everything I wrote, and started fresh with just the bones.

Sometimes, we have to be careful our past prejudices don't ruin our present experiences. At least, that's something I've learned.

Clarity

The ambiguity as to whether the team is in-the-know, oblivious, or pretending-to-be-oblivious regarding Chenford was frustrating. It made it really hard to write because I felt like the cues from the scenes shifted throughout the episode going in multiple directions.

I am not a person who minds that we didn't get a Morning After (plenty of time to see Domestic Chenford), or that we didn't get the DOD Tattoo (it's hers, not theirs), and I wouldn't even mind if we missed seeing everyone find out/announce they know.

From the first scene with Nyla, I thought they were obviously open about their dating. But, then at Nolan's, Angela was giving "knowing" eyes and Tim kept his distance. Then it was over to the final Chenford scene where Lucy and Tim both look guarded about who might be watching.

My take? I figured everyone knew but Chenford thought they didn't. But, that's a far bigger guess than most of my guesses, so I felt uncomfortable writing it. I like to draw from what I see, not try to draw over it. I'm a hapless fan sharing uneducated interpretations, not the writer of the scenes.

So, I tried to avoid talking about it with this Meta since I don't feel like I can yet speak with certainty on the matter.

Metro

"If you ever do consider Metro, give me a call."

If it was this easy, why did Lucy have to go through a thousand hoops? Sure, it was great practice for the inevitable Wedding Place Setting game down the line, but why was this line here if it wasn't an option for Tim?

And why didn't Nolan say anything during the brainstorming session? I know we like to talk about him being clueless, at times, but he's far from idiotic. It might've been pertinent information, or an "in" to help expedite Tim's ascension.

I struggled with the directionality of the scene. Watching it the first time, I was convinced it would feed into the quest to find Tim a new position. If it wasn't there for Tim, was it to show that Nolan isn't where he's supposed to be? Are we setting up for Nolan to pop over with Tim at some point?

And, again, why didn't anyone think to give her a call about Tim, an officer who is far more seasoned and qualified for the position? No shade thrown at Nolan, but that's objectively true, and I couldn't fathom why this scene was structured the way it was if it wasn't going to help Tim. Maybe it's planting the seed for another episode down the line...

EDIT: The amazing @wordgirl40 pointed out in the comments that all the moving pieces on the board were Sergeants, and that hadn't stuck with me when watching the scene. I still think Nolan could have put in a phone call to help with things, but even that tiny clarification makes it easier to follow. Thank you!

Enough of my hangups. Thanks for bearing with me.

I want to draw out one line that I thought was really interesting, considering the "Found Family" angle of the episode.

Grey told Celina, "You have a new family of brothers and sisters. Remember that."

It's true. Big Brother/TO Tim was the one to realize what was bothering Celina and call her out. And how soft was he with her once he assessed the whole situation (no, he's not single, Carla. Ay, dios mio!)?

Big Brother/TO Nolan ran into the building to retrieve Celina. They had her back professionally and personally.

And the team had Tim and Lucy's backs. Like, this really is a beautiful little Found Family.

When Lucy and Tim do get married, if her parents don't show up, Grey can walk her down the aisle. Tamara will be her Maid of Honor and Tim's Best Woman will be Angela, of course. They'll be surrounded by people who love them without criteria or constraints.

Found Family is often stronger than bio family, I've found. And for Tim and Lucy—two people for whom "family" is a bit broken—their Found Family will always be there for them. For Tim. For Lucy. For Chenford. And for the family they'll build together.

Because love is a gift best given freely and with abandon. That is what this ensemble of characters have. At the end of the day, they will never lack in love.

As always, thanks for reading and bearing with me on the delay on this one. It was the most challenging, thus far. But I'm still loving every second of this Chenford ride.

#Chenford #Lucy Chen #Tim Bradford #Melissa O'Neil #Eric Winter #The Rookie #Meta #Lucy x Tim #Tim x Lucy

[thatmooncake]

This ask is a free infodump prompt! Saw your tags on that one post and while approaching people also makes me feel like I'm a shaking wet Chihuahua, I love people being enthusiastic! So this is for anything you feel like talking about - favorite AU? Ideas you couldn't share before? Thoughts on the canon DCA? Pick something, anything! I got a lil chair and I'm patiently waiting <3

Hmmm, well I’ve kept you waiting long enough (sorry about that), so today I’ll ramble about one of my favourite things about the DCA - their relationship, and more specifically, how they “share” with each other and how that works out for them!

I’m a sucker for any AU that explores the way Sun and Moon interact with each other, whether they’re in one body or not, whether they communicate directly or indirectly. And I’ve always been interested in exploring how long each of them has “out” at a given time, and how that affects them both.

Like, Sun is (in theory) supposed to be out at ALL TIMES in the daycare. ALL TIMES. No Moon, only Sun. The staff even put (flimsy) measures in place so that Moon would NEVER take over in that space. But from what we can tell, Sun and Moon were built to be a package deal, and with that taken into consideration, it’s very unlikely that this doesn’t put some amount of stress on Sun’s system at the best of times, what with him having NO time at all to go dormant outside of the night patrols. Even if he does have a little time to go dormant, he’s already seemingly under so much stress from the fear of what happens when Moon takes over that the forced transformations cannot be doing him any good at all.

Meanwhile, when he is actually active, Moon has some “freedoms” that Sun doesn’t seem to have. He can roam around the pizzaplex, for example. We never see Sun leave the daycare. From what we can tell in the game, only Moon can roam the pizzaplex because the daycare attendant only roams free when the lights go out at the end of every hour. Whether this has always been the case or whether it’s a new measure put in place by Freddy’s to replace some of the night staff with Moon is anyone’s guess really. But this freedom doesn’t really mean much in the grand scheme of things when it’s basically just been put in place so that Moon can be a puppet for the Afton virus. And throughout all of the social hours when he would have once been interacting with kids, Moon is now inactive. He’s only there to roam and get people to do the big sleepy. He’s lacking socialisation like CRAZY.

Between Sun being basically forced to be active throughout ALL of the hours when the lights are forcibly kept on, and Moon lacking ANY positive social interactions, this is really sad, because we see the other animatronics at least still able to roam the plex when it’s active and have “down time” in their rooms (not that this seems to work out so well for Monty to be fair), but all Sun gets is the ugliest mess of a space in the world to retreat to and all Moon knows how to do anymore is punish people who he thinks ought to be sleeping. So even beyond the virus there are just layers and layers of anxiety Sun has lived with for who knows how long, and there is so much bad socialisation that Moon must be so used to by now that he basically has no identity outside of correcting what he sees as problems (aka putting people to sleep), because the on/off cycle that Freddy’s has put in place for them won’t allow them to do anything else. It’s crazy!

Then in addition to these we get so many amazing fanon takes on how they both feel about this - is it something they actively put thought into? If they communicate with each other in any way, does knowing what the other one deals with stress them out even more as two halves of a whole? Whether they’re together or separate, do they ever wish they had what the other one had, or does knowing what the other one deals with make them feel grateful that they ended up how they did? Do they work together to combat the issues they’re now facing, or is a constant battle going on inside of them? So many interesting things to think about when it comes to these guys!

#fnaf #sundrop #moondrop #Infodumping hours #fableasks #Fablespeaks #thanks for the infodump request! I’d love to hear your thoughts on anything you’re super enthusiastic about as well :D #fablethoughts

[ficsyoumayhavemissed]

🏳️‍🌈 Moths and Butterflies — LadyAj_13 / @ladyaj-13

1.363 words / Harry x Louis

It seemed like such a good plan a week ago. It had seemed like fate, for the town’s Pride parade to fall at the very same time when work sent him there to charm some clients. Who was Louis, to sniff at a higher power? It was exciting, a week ago. Now he’s here though, in the thick of it, and he thought it would feel freeing but it doesn't. It just rams home how he doesn’t belong.

This is a lovely fic for anyone who has ever questioned whether they are queer enough to belong in the queer community. You are, and this fic will remind you of it whenever you need it.

🏳️‍🌈 Quite the Pickle — @lululawrence

1.455 words / Grimmy x Harry x Louis

Nick hated pickles. It was an entire thing for him and he used to get into arguments all the time when his mum insisted he could just remove them and the sandwich would be fine without them. She never seemed to understand. The flavor was still left behind because of the juices. The scent was still there. The pickle was never fully removed. Not successfully. And now one was sitting on the plate, almost touching his perfectly pickle free sandwich, all whilst leaking it’s flavor and scent all over his chips. Good thing there happened to be a pregnant man with a craving nearby.

An adorable, cozy meet-cute between a couple and a stranger, this fic has so much goodness in so few words. From the struggle of pregnancy cravings to the unexpected pleasure of finding people who will accept you as you are, it’s a fun little roller coaster you don’t want to miss. 

🏳️‍🌈 Over The Heads Of The Crowd — DancingOnCapitals

3.232 words / Harry x Louis

Harry attends a fandriven LGBTQIA+ event to support the queer part of his favourite band's fandom and probably also some members of said band when he spots the most beautiful person he's ever seen.

Love at first sight it’s always nice, but gay love at first sight is something special in itself. A meet-cute fic where they share a bed... What else could you ask for?

🏳️‍🌈 Courted in Cabos — @alphalouis 

5.511 words / Louis x Oli 

Oli's spent his whole life with Louis Tomlinson. More accurately, he’s waited his whole life for Louis to pop the question. When Louis invites him to Los Cabos, he thinks this will be it. So he waits. And he waits. Eventually it becomes clear Louis won’t make the first move. He decides to take matters into his own hands.

Absolutely adorable! Friends pining on each other is always such a nice trope to read. Seeing the development of their relationship was really cute, and this fic is more than worth a shot, considering Niall’s special additions. 

🏳️‍🌈 falling in love with the stable boy — @sup3rbloom

5.620 words / @1dreversebang / Harry x Louis 

Louis is the son of King Tomlinson, and now that he's older, he's interested in learning horseback riding. King Tomlinson assigns Harry, the kingdom's stable boy, to train him. It's love at first sight for Louis, and this wouldn't be a problem if being gay wasn't wrong in the kingdom.

This fic is a little heartbreaking, considering how Louis' own family might reject him for something he doesn’t have a choice in, however it was extremely cute how Harry, Zayn and Liam were there to always protect Louis. 

——

As always, support the authors by leaving kudos and comments! Happy reading!

Since it's Pride Month, we want to bring attention to our other three related tags and past recommendations:

COMING OUT;

GENDERQUEER;

LGBTQIA STORIES;

PRIDE REC

And to take the opportunity to mention that the @projectotb is back this year and also running a drabble fest, and give a shoutout to the @1dpridefest which is currently happening, so don't miss the chance and support all the amazing writers and creator participating!

If you love a fic that has gotten less love than you think it deserves, submit it to us so we can check it out and perhaps add it to one of our recs! — FYMHM xx

#hlcreators #hljournal #1dsource #1dficvillage #tracksintheam #trackinghome #trackinghappily #pride rec #fic rec #fymhm #june 2023