#idk if its the autism or the abusive childhood or what lol but when I watch people being genuinely mean to each other it upsets me so much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

urproblematicfav-arsonk · 4 years

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There's a lot of things about Borderlands 3 that makes it kinda a garbage game. And all of those things are valid and true but a aspect of bl3 that deeply bothers me isn't something I've really seen people talk about?? Maybe they have but I missed it but I want to say my interpretation. (Also like, spoiler warning throughout all of this post)

To start off with: hi, I'm a autistic afab nonbinary person and this is relevant for this little rant I'm bout to go on.

I want to begin by stating why I love this franchise so much.

Borderlands, whether you like it or not, is INCREDIBLY queer. And not in a coded kind of way, it's just flat out gay as fuck. And that means so fucking much to me. Borderlands 2 was one of the first times I ever felt fully represented in a game. Zer0 being this dumbass making Yugioh references and generally being a fun garbage boy and also being nonbinary meant a lot to me and I adore him to this day (nonbinary people can use gendered pronouns fuc off). And getting more and more into this series and finding out that basically every character was on some level queer was really cool to me. Maya being asexual and most of the characters being attracted to multiple genders so honestly and off handily was so refreshing and amazing to get to play through. The casual mentions of a woman's wife or some man's husband in the echo's you find or Moxxi talking about her ex girlfriends was one of the reasons I loved this so much.

Another thing I loved particularly about Borderlands 2 was how feminist it was. I can not tell you how quickly I lost my shit at Mr. Torgue talking about the friend zone being misogynistic(it is btw). And the repeated jokes about fully murdering men for being rude to women was some of the highlights of my first playthrough. Punching a guy till he explodes because he disrespected a sex worker?? Fucking immaculate.

SPEAKING OF SEX WORK.

Mad Moxxi is a icon. She is a mother of MULTIPLE children, a survivor of rape and assault and a fucking bad bitch who runs a now intergalactic titty bar. Getting to have not only a sex worker be respected in a narrative, Moxxi is fun and a genuinely complex character who isn't defined by her job or her appearance. She is emotional and strong and funny and flawed but amazing person.

And then there's the way the male characters a represented and treated. I'll be honest here, I haven't really played Borderlands 1, mostly because have been spoiled by auto pick up and also I just didn't feel like it. So my idea of most of the men are based entirely off of Bl2, the pre-sequel and Tales. Anyway, Mordecai in particular is a character I really liked upfront. I love how a lot of his motivation and character is driven by his love of animals and Bloodwing. He's kind and though troubled knows when to get his shit together and be there when he needs to be. His casual "are you okay?" After the latter falls in the Arid Nexus was such a nice moment and the way he genuinely tries to be there emotionally for all of the people around him who he cares for is so fucking rare to see in a male character. And his arc of giving up alcohol to focus on being a better bird dad and you getting to help Brick make Mordecai a special gift to celebrate his sobriety is so amazing and I'm so proud of him.

Mr. Torgue is my dad and I love him. As mentioned, he is normal and believes that the friend zone is absolute garbage talk is ICONIC™ and the best scene in that game fight me. Torgue is a crybaby. He is an emotional person who is not afraid to express his pain and hurt when people are mean to him. He respects women and loves unicorns. The fact that is physical appearance is a big muscle guy who screams but is the literal opposite of toxic masculinity will forever make him the best male character of all time and I love him and he is my dad.

Roland was a character that I was never in particularly attached to but I still respect him and did enjoy his presence. I really appreciated his leadership style being primarily based on empathy and logic as opposed to him being a big meanie man with a HUGE dick who yells at people. I always really resonated with the echo from Tannis talking about how she came to Sanctuary. Roland going out of his way to bring Tannis to safety while completely respecting her autism and struggle with socializing really made his death hit harder when Tannis was very obviously distraught by losing him. It really seems that Roland was the only one who didn't treat her differently. And as someone who's autistic, finding people who legit 100% understand and respect you and just let you live the way you want/need to is kinda hard and those are the qualities I'd personally want in a leader.

Angel is also a big spot of affection for me. Handsome Jack being a irrefutably horrible person who Angel flat out says gaslights people and killed her means a lot to me considering 99% of Bad Parent stories end with "I forgive u" getting to see an abusive victim take that narrative and say fuck you was powerful and meant a lot to me coming from my own abusive home life.

There's a lot of other things I love about Borderlands but if I keep going I won't stop lol so let's get into why Borderlands 3 makes me so uncomfortable.

One of the main things that bothered me was the sexism. Its nothing too horrifying but given how feminist bl2 was it was really shocking and a bit hurtful the number of times women are called bitches or made to seem crazy. If you recall I brought up how you punch a man to death for calling a woman a bitch? Yea no, in this game we mock women for having boundaries and opinions because lol she's just a CRAZY BITCH who just needs to stop acting so hysterical am I right guys?

Yea the whole mission with that stupid bear thing and his ex robot girlfriend made me insanely uncomfortable and upset. I kept waiting for the gotcha moment where it says actually this bear guy is a dick and he shouldn't use language like that but no we just,,,,,, are supposed to laugh along. I hate it.

Even though Borderlands 3 is still very much queer, this game introducing 2 new trans characters as well as a whole DLC about a gay marriage and one of the playable characters being a lesbian there was this some shit that bothered me.

The mission where you crash and ruin a lesbian wedding.

That mission made so upset and uncomfortable. I hated how traumatized and hurt Tumorhead was as I murdered her family and wife. I hated how unfulfilling the mission was where PLOT TWIST the lady was actually a spy or whatever. I hate how there's a mission about ruining some poor psycho ladies wedding. I would've much more preferred a mission where Idk Bloodshine asks you to help her kill a spy who's causing problems and then fucking go around Promethea collecting wedding decorations or something. OR MAYBE JUST NOT A MISSION WHERE YOU KILL LESBIANS FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

I'm mad, anyway.

I also hated how Tannis was treated in this game. Under absolutely no circumstance would Doctor Patricia Tannis ever willingly take up a position of leadership. She is a severely autistic woman who gets nose bleeds from talking to people she wouldn't just be like "I'm in charge now pls talk to me!!!" Fuck off. And the joke about her dating a minecart isn't funny. The whole thing with the chairs, though funny in its absurdities was still a very important and powerful moment of character exploration. Tannis is insane. She is traumatized and hurt and in a moment of severe torture, she humanized some inanimate objects to cope. Tannis crying over the echo over Phillip is a heartbreaking moment of true vulnerability. It is also funny, because that's how good dark comedy works. It can be both hysterical and emotionally ruining at the same time. So what exactly does Tannis divorcing a minecart mean? What is this saying about her character? Why is it funny? Because lol lol reference??? Again, fuck off.

I hate how the Calypso twins childhood is handled. Troy implies it was horribly abusive and traumatic. But when we met Typhon whatever, he acts like it wasn't that bad??? He acts like he just didn't buy his kids the latest iPhone and oh no whoopsie now they're evil, my bad guys. It feels super weird and I don't like it.

Speaking of abusive parents. THEY DID MY GIRL ANGEL DIRTY SO BAD. This was literally when I decided I hated this game. Angel being the one who killed her mother and not Jack was fucking horrible. Especially after the literal foreshadowing in borderlands 2 implying he did. The fact that Jack is treated like a fearful man making what he thought was the right decision was insulting. I get that MattPat manipulated the fandom into thing Jack is a uwu bean but fuck you, you're the writers and you should fucking know better. Handsome Jack saw his daughter had power and turned her into a living battery for him to use as he saw fit. He was not scared and he was NOT right. Fuck you and fuck you for framing child abuse as chill and ok if your spooked enough like that. And the mission directly contradicts the echo's in Get To Know Jack. If Angel killed her mom why does she ask Jack where her mommy is when he's putting her in her chambers?? Why is it in the echo Jack is aggressive and forcibly and hurtfully makes her go into her chambers but in the memory, he's quiet and passive about it?? That's literally just flat out bad writing. Also fuck you.

Anyway,

I think that's really all I wanted to say about this topic. Obviously, there are also things that suck about bl3 but I'll try to chill and not make this too long.

I mostly wanted to make this to see if people cared/are bothered by the same things I am. I've seen how some of the fandom treats the more emotional and gay aspects of this franchise(the people throwing a fit over Amara, the friend zone line, not respecting trans peoples pronouns, sexualizing and being gross about Moxxi)

Anyway that's it byeeeeeeeeeeeee

#rant time #i was also gonna post this on reddit but it turns out i don't know how to use that app lol #so i prob wont #but dont worry still got tumblr #anyway #borderlands #borderlands spoilers #borderlands 3 spoilers #borderlands 3 #borderlands 2

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thepucegoose · 4 years

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idk if you remember your "starsky & hutch is adhd/autistic solidarity" post (its like a year old whoops) but if you have more thoughts about hutch being autistic i would love to hear them 👀

okay it’s been a while since i rewatched s&h and generally when i said this i was just like, thems the vibes - with this said i think hutch does have those vibes for a reason so i’ll try and figure it out and if anyone else would like to contribute that’d be very welcome!

i think mainly hutch has a particular kind of relationship with empathy? when i think about episodes like vendetta or black and blue or any countless others, hutch is always very personally invested in the lives of those in the cases he’s involved with and really seems to take on the weight of these experiences i guess? which like, by the time you’re getting to season four he’s so burnt out by just all of it (bc the way to help in the community is not through the police btw lol! but that’s by the by) and i think that you could easily chalk a lot of that up to hyperempathy - i think we do see this also with starsky in episodes like nightmare, starsky’s lady, manchild on the streets, and blindfold, but frequently these examples are when starsky has a very personal investment in the case (and lead to significant emotional impulsivity in indignation bc he’s adhd babey) whereas hutch just sees someone sad and he seems to be feeling it right there with them (is this due to childhood abuse? i think the crying child means you can make a very valid argument that it is. is this due to autism also? yea.)

this said, despite his hyperempathy in relating to these inter-personal scenarios, this doesn’t necessarily translate into awareness regarding specific social boundaries. i think hutch often struggles with recognising what’s too far in his jokes and competition with starsky and he frequently does things that suggest he hasn’t really factored the emotional impact his actions might have on starsky. this is perhaps most evident in partners, although it’s a running theme you can see from the beginning on through (please don’t make your partner think he’s bad in bed jeez? stop stealing his gfs?? also babe starsky isn’t trying to trick you with this bet thing, you’re literally dying). these scenarios often run in line with the fun joking that s&h have in their relationship, and yet the extent to which he takes it, seemingly in good fun and without subsequent apology, suggests he just doesn’t recognise how far can be too far in a joke before you can end up really hurting someone - he just doesn’t seem to be aware of where the line is

in partners, hutch is mad at starsky’s impulsivity and the way in which he felt out of control and the negatives consequences that resulted from this and so he feels the need to demonstrate those possible consequences - i think this reaction kind of suggests a black and white approach to thinking as well as some difficulty expressing emotions: he hurt me by being so impulsive so i’ll make sure he knows that he went too far and that i was really hurt by it by making sure that he faces the worst of the possible consequences since this is what he deserves - without then recognising what pretending to have amnesia would do to starsky and the extent to which it would cause utter terror and profound distress, as well as compounding his guilt in an unfathomably unbearable way (i think hutch’s difficulty expressing emotions, particularly when he’s feeling hurt by starsky, also makes starsky vs hutch more coherent as a culmination of this and the relationship dynamic they’ve developed - to quote my own fic, “I tried to make something real with every girl I came across; you grew a moustache and fucked my girlfriend to prove it really wasn’t. Real that is.”)

just as a side note, i think it’s interesting that starsky didn’t respect hutch’s boundaries re: the driving bc of his impulsive reaction, and hutch didn’t respect starsky’s boundaries re: not like, faking amnesia to punish him bc he didn’t understand the emotional implications of this for starsky - sometimes being neurodivergent can make relationships hard!! but they work it out bc they’re in love and their minds are grooving on that neurodivergent plane together :’‘)) i think they can be conscious of the other’s difficulties and this helps them be understanding of each other, most of the time acknowledging when something was the other not meaning any harm and acting accordingly, but also recognising and responding when the other was clearly disregarding respect and care for the other, as is the case with both starsky and hutch in partners - it’s about being understanding whilst still being clear on what isn’t appropriate behaviour and what you’re not willing to put up with from someone

also starsky is just very neurodivergent and frankly (from my personal experience) it can be hard to like, vibe w someone in the way starsky and hutch do if they’re not also neurodivergent - they can follow each other’s thinking, skipping over the steps that other neurotypical people might need to follow, and they’re both good at finding unique perspectives on cases and noticing details that others might not

also just, hutch’s approach to healthy living as part of a regimented routine?? that’s autism babey. he likes things done in a particular way and he always has the same grim shake for breakfast? that’s autism babey! he’s constantly trying to inveigle starsky into his healthy living thing about which he is evangelical? sounds like a special interest to me and he just wants his bf to know just how cool it is!!! would anyone who isn’t neurodivergent drink cold clam chowder out of a can?

and like,,, murder on stage 17??????? the way he mimics john wayne when he’s anxious and under pressure to speak?????????? need i say more????????

s&h as a show also i think has a greater relationship to neurodivergence as a whole which i have so many thoughts on and will one day manage to write up but essentially i think the show has a running theme about respect, understanding, compassion, and care for neurodivergence and this is really shown through both starsky and hutch’s actions - i’m not saying that starsky and hutch need to be neurodivergent to show the compassion they do, but i do think it helps that they are able to relate to the other neurodivergent characters on the show and their responses are in line with this

essentially: hutch has hyperempathy, but a difficulty recognising where he’s crossing social boundaries. there are suggestions of some black and white thinking at times, a difficulty feeling out of control, and he can have struggle with expressing the ways in which he’s been hurt by something. he vibes with starsky bc they have similar modes of thinking and he notices details and makes connections that others may not be able to, as well as being able to follow starsky’s reasoning when he does the same. he likes a routine and a regimen, and this feeds into a special interest in healthy living, about which he is very enthusiastic and can’t see why starsky wouldn’t agree. he sticks to the same shake for breakfast every day, suggesting not only consistent routine but also a particular sensory affinity and i can’t remember if we see him eat other breaksfast foods but he doesn’t want to eat pastries in the mornings which could be related to sensory difficulties. he struggles under the social pressure of being on camera, at which point there’s some suggestion of using echolalia to help script a response. he also is very able to relate to others who are neurodivergent. he’s autistic!

(like i said it’s been a while since i engaged with s&h so if i’ve got any episode titles wrong or made erroneous assumptions please chip in bc i have not double checked!)

#i love it when yall ask me questions like this #suddenly i'll have Opinions on things i've never even thought about before lol #starsky and hutch #hutch is autistic #Anonymous

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system-of-a-feather · 4 years

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Due to a general number of asks running along the similar lines of these, I am going to make a general response to those asks and proceed to remove them from the inbox as I don’t feel they will be able to be answered anytime soon and are generally under a similar response and in concept and I felt I would clear these out while I was out for Riku since I have the time and the mental space to read through them. The asks I will be referencing will be at the end under a keep reading - noted in numbers.

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To these asks, and any of those reading that might be wondering similarly, we can not give too much of a say on if something is or is not DID / OSDD considering that we are both not a professional and simply due to the innate nature that DID / OSDD are easy to misdiagnose both for other disorders and with other disorders and do need a lot of context that no single ask - or multiple asks - could properly provide a single person enough context to know for sure. Such topics are best talked to towards a professional that can invest time into exploring and discussing individual experiences, the history, and have a better look at the general presentation of your symptoms, experiences, and life history to come to a conclusion about what might be currently going on.

To the first ask, yes, it is entirely possible for neglect to cause DID and OSDD. The two main components to form DID is childhood trauma (neglect included) that might cause a child to dissociate from themselves in a sense of flight/fight and to avoid confronting the pain an fear that they have at the moment and a disorganized attachment to a parent / caregiver.

To the second ask, I am really sorry to hear that you were treated the way you were as a child and that really is absolutely no environment that any human should ever have to have grown up in. I can’t say if you have DID or not as mentioned above, but I would like to say that it isn’t unheard of for alters to form / originate as characters made up for a story or roleplay. Two of the alters in our system that are considerably out of contact with most of the system and partially dormant originated from characters that Riku had originally made that had some parallels to her life as well. One was a well built character, the other not. Like stated above though, it really might be something work looking into talking about with a therapist since there are some reasons to question it there.

To the third ask, there are a number of things that could present similarly to having that feeling other than OSDD / DID considering dissociation (a symptom found in other disorders such as severe depression, schizophernia, PTSD, and BPD) in general can cause similar issues to a certain extent of disconnect, disruption of identity, and a disconnect from one’s own thoughts into making them seem like they are not one’s own. I am not here saying that it isn’t, but I would look into talking to a professional about it. There might be more context that might lean towards OSDD or DID but also might lead to a different diagnosis that is similar with dissociation. If you are concerned about having something similar to DID / OSDD, it really is something you might definitely want to look into with a professional.

-Lucille (Primary Protector)

1) “I have to ask. As a person who suffered from physical, emotional, and medical (? Idk if that falls under physical or not. Still trying to accept it lol) negelect, I have started to question if I might have DID or not? Can neglect cause it? I know there was some abuse otherwise, but mainly it was neglect and I dont know if that would be bad enough to cause DID or not. If this is triggering, dont feel obligated to answer. Love you and hope you're doing good! ♥️ “

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2) “Hey, when I was a kid, my parents had terrifying anger. My dad used to be in the army and when I made mistakes or he didn’t like something I did, he went ballistic. There was a time he broke a broom in front of us over his leg. Another time when he slapped me repeatedly and I had to tell my teacher I fell and hit my face - I didn’t even understand why I had to lie. My mom blew up over little things, and I had depersonalization since I was a kid. (1)

A couple years ago my sister made a comment on how my dad used to say ‘I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!’ But I don’t remember that part. I’ve always been afraid to ask for something, only for my birthday or christmas, and felt I was walking on eggshells around my parents. They were still really loving, but I’ve had difficulty with their anger and my response to real or perceived anger is to fawn. And when I perceive a threat, I start to feel detached from myself. (2)

I noticed too that I have different modes I switch between, and lately I’ve been feeling more distressed and feel myself on different wavelengths/sense of self, and when I switch from one sense to another, I’ve been having micro-moments of disorientation. Then I catch up. I’ve felt multiple presences in my head, usually it’s characters from a long developed fictional universe. There’s one predominant one I feel, who seems to have developed sort of recently over the past few years. (3)

He was formed through a role play game and had many parallels with me during his development. I have diagnosed autism and I feel like just now at 24 I’m developing social skills I should’ve learned growing up. A lot of the time I feel like a child still, and when I’m in different emotional states, I feel I can’t relate much to myself. I also have difficulty with a sense of identity. I don’t feel like the same person as I was when going to university. I feel like I have osdd-1. (4?-end)”

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3) “ive been researching did because its the only thing similar to what I experience but I dont think I can have it because ive read the trauma causing did has to happen by a certain age & my trauma happened a bit later than that age. I have no clue what is going on with my brain, I often feel as though my thoughts are someone else & I can hold conversations with this.. other person? but theyve never really fronted. they're just there & I'm not even sure if its just 1 of them or multiple.”

#alter: lucille #ask #asks #actuallydid #did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

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Ive been arguing with my sister a lot more lately. We're knee deep in a 'social services takeover' and we both have a lot of trauma responses, triggers and just anything i guess when it comes to having to live with abuse for over a decade. Im trying my best to be accomodating with her, not retaliating, accepting her apologies, talking it out afterwards, but its so hard. So so hard. Im the oldest so i feel its my job to do that, but im struggling so much. When we're mid argument, i overthink everything im going to say so its not an insult, a repeat of what our parents say, anything toxic, or even just something id regret later. I dont know where the line is but i know its wrong to feel pure anger towards her and want to just scream in her face and just hurt her. Her words hurt me so much. She says she cares but definitely doesnt show it. I have to listen to every single rant of hers, good or bad, or else im a horrible sister. Yet i have to keep my intrests to myself cos it hurts when she doesnt even show the slightest bit of excitment for me. Just a monotone "yeah cool". I know shes going through a lot and its hard for her emotion wise, i really do, ive been where she is, but i just feel like our relationship is toxic and very onesided. I dont even know if its meant to be like that or not, between siblings. Ive heard that the oldest has to be there no matter what, and im really trying, but i dont want to anymore. I just want her to realise what im going through and at least help me a little. But idk if thats wrong to say/expect of her.

A side note, im halfway to being diagnosed with autism so its making me realise more that im misinterpreting things and taking them literal, etc. But, could i get some advice? Ik i need therapy, its a whole mess in my head lol, but do you know of any half-solutions i can try before i can get the professional help?

Apologies that its so long, btw - 🦕

It sounds really hard to manage a relationship with a sibling when both of you are going through so much trauma at the same time, nonnie, so first and foremost, I hope you’re being as patient with yourself as possible when you mess up with your sister. It’s really good that you’re trying to avoid replicating your abusers’ behaviour and that you’re accomodating her boundaries and putting communication between you first, because those are the bases for a healthy relationship of any kind, but it’s also okay if you mess up. You might be the older sister, but you’re not her parent, and no one should expect you to be emotionally mature enough to never mess up, or to constantly prioritise your sister over your own well-being and boundaries. Especially if your relationship with her right now feels one-sided and she’s not extending the same level of effort that you are.

It’s understandable that she’s more self-centered than you are if she’s younger, but you’re allowed to not be your best self as well, what with everything you’re going through. You’re allowed to be self-centered too, nonnie. If you’re teens, you’re in the age for immaturity and selfishness. And it’s okay to be exhausted and irritable and full of anger when you’re actively going through trauma and abuse. It’s not fair for you to expect yourself to be perfect and never mess up ❤

I honestly don’t think oldest siblings should “be there no matter what” for their younger siblings. Just because your parents happened to have other kids after you, it doesn’t mean you suddenly have a “job” to take care of your younger siblings. Unlike them, you never actively chose to be responsible for another human being. And just because your parents are abusive and aren’t there for you or your sister the way they should be, it doesn’t mean you should automatically be able and willing to substitute them and prioritise your sister over yourself the way a parent would. The fact your parents aren’t there for your sister doesn’t change the fact that you deserve to be taken care of just as much as your sister. You didn’t choose to be there unconditionally for anyone. They chose that the moment they decided to become parents. And they failed both of you. So, no, you’re not a horrible sister for not acting as a parent for her: they’re horrible parents to both of you for putting you in this situation in the first place.

I think it’s a good idea to seek therapy when you can, but in the meantime, I think it could help to try to be as patient and understanding with yourself as you are with your sister. If you’re not feeling up to being there for her, it’s okay to establish boundaries and put yourself first. It’s okay to say “I can’t listen to you right now” and have that respected. It’s okay to express your needs to her, and be open about how she makes you feel. It’s okay to acknowledge that she’s being unfair by expecting you to always listen to her no matter what. It’s okay to get mad at her sometimes. You’re clearly doing your best to not be toxic to her, and that’s really good, but you also don’t have to sacrifice your own well-being and brush aside your boundaries and trauma for her. You’re a victim of childhood abuse alongside your sister, not a replacement parent for her. Your job is to save and protect and prioritise yourself, not her.

And, please, be kind with yourself when you feel rage toward her, nonnie. No emotion is inherently bad or wrong, and it’s very common to feel this kind of anger toward others when you have unresolved trauma from abuse. I answered an ask with advice on how to handle trauma related anger, which you can read here.

I also answered an ask a while ago from an anon who was left to parent their younger sibling as well and felt guilt about doing a bad job. You can find it here if you want to read the experiences of someone who went through something similar to you.

Sending a virtual hug, nonnie ❤

#ask #trauma tw #social services tw #abuse tw #abuse #abusive family #therapy mention

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