#i've learned a lot about myself doing this actually

[the-modern-typewriter]

Just wanted to say thank you so, so much for writing Fate's Favourite. I actually found and loved your blog before I ever found that fanfic, and it was a delight to know it was written by you, and it's so clear how you've improved. But Fate's Favourite will always have a part of my heart, because it's the first story I've read that just has a platonic friendship that feels as equal as a romantic one without being romantic? And as a lonely aroace that means everything. EVERYTHING. (1/2)

(2/2) I had a conversation today that reminded me that I'm never going to have the queerplatonic relationship I want that I've always wanted since I was a child, and how it makes me want to write one so much more, but then I've never managed to write the story I've wanted to write my entire life because I'd always be afraid of being accused of queerbaiting or people just going, 'but it's actually just a gay romance this isn't what friendship looks like' and just. Thank you for Fate's Favourite.

--

Wow. FF is a blast from the past!

You are very welcome.

Apologies for the long, self-indulgent reply.

That story was one of the first things I ever properly wrote and my first (maybe second?) truly long-form story ever. I thus have a soft spot for it, even though in terms of craft and technique I can't so much as look at it without seeing all my numerous beginner flaws and cringing and can't bring myself to actually point people to it. Much improvement since then, as you say!

(An excellent reminder that writing is a learned skill.)

Anyway. The other interesting thing about that story is that I wrote it before I'd ever heard of asexuality or realised that was what I was. I was a very confused teenager being bombarded with this pressure to have crushes and date people and all that general societal messaging we have about romance being the most important thing ever. Especially in YA.

So I'd go home after school and write that story.

Obviously it's more unhealthy than what I'd want for myself in my real life, but the sheer intensity of feeling and importance of the platonic main relationship was something I had also never seen before but craved. And still crave, honestly. So I feel ya.

As for queerbaiting...

A lot of readers at the time told me they viewed the story as 'pre-romance'. AKA, it's a romantic relationship and they haven't realised it yet for whatever reason. They mostly didn't mean that badly, I don't think.

(Although I sometimes think though that if the term 'queerbaiting' was as broadly known and misused then as it is now that I would have been mercilessly lambasted out of ever writing again! And I wouldn't have known how to articulate the fact that wasn't, actually, what I was doing. I think we need to be kind to new writers. I think 'content creator' is gutting something vital in the ecosystem. But that's another rabbit hole.)

So I've been there. It happens. But other people's bad takes didn't change the story and what it meant to me as a lonely ace teenager or what it meant to you.

I have had readers before make a similar comment to you about how it was the first time they got to see something so important to their heart portrayed.

That matters so much more than whatever people say about your writing who don't need it.

Which is why we have to keep writing the stories.

Even if it's clumsy and raw. Even if it's the first thing you've ever tried. Even if it's (especially if) it's a messed up fantasy straight from the most primal part of your brain.

If we don't write it, it won't exist.

And that's so much worse.

The nay-sayers can come to the party, but it wasn't thrown in their honour.

#mentions of this story sure caught me off guard #though not in a bad way #I'm amazed it's still floating around #the writer's journey lol #the writing life #writing talk

[angelisgonnastartchangingurls]

kevin

kevin was a familiar sort of man for annie, as a therapist. he was a well-off businessman, powerful in his own kingdom, good at navigating life with a hot and crazy wife, and who had a hard time making sense of his teenage daughter.

she liked talking to him. he was a good talker, funny, and more than willing to share lots of explicit details. he told her about realizing early in his marriage he had to make time to really pound the shit out of his wife in bed every morning to keep her in a good mood all day. he told her he'd learned that his wife would always ask for him to cum inside her, but in reality she preferred it when he came all over her, making a mess of her that she had to take some time to clean up. annie could tell that kevin clocked the way annie was shifting in her seat as he told her this -- she was wet and he knew it. but he didn't comment on it. he told her he and his wife rarely had sex at night when their daughter was young, but how he'd learned to notice when she'd trimmed her pubic hair down to almost nothing it was a signal she wanted to make time to have an evening fuck, too.

"is your wife a naked around the house kind of woman?"

"yes," he said, smiling. "i wouldn't have it any other way. of course, now my daughter is that way too."

"really?" annie said. "she doesn't cover herself up around you?"

"no," he said. "i see everything."

"that's a sign of trust," annie said. "trust and confidence."

"it's funny though," he said. "you know, when my wife is all trimmed up that's a good sign. but i like it when the opposite is true with sienna."

"you like when she's not shaved because that means she's not having sex with anyone?"

he laughed. "yeah. is that awful? patriarchal and awful?"

"no," annie said. "i mean, most girls sort of like a sense of possessiveness."

"even from their fathers?"

"especially," annie said. "but also, it doesn't mean she's having sex for sure."

"what else would it be for?" he asked.

"just being horny," she said. "you know, we tend to focus on that part of ourselves when we're using it a lot. even just by ourselves."

"do women do that a lot?" he asked. "i mean, seriously. i know my wife does it but she never admits to it."

"that's funny," annie said. "i always thought that was a stereotype."

"women who don't admit to masturbating?"

"yeah," annie said. "i have always been upfront with my partners about it."

"i'm sure men like that," he said.

"especially when you tell them you jerked off before a date so you wouldn't immediately jump their bones," she said.

kevin grinned. "you're way more fun than the average therapist," he said. "and prettier." he coughed nervously. "sorry."

"it's fine," annie said. "i mean, i don't mind being told i'm pretty."

"how often do women jerk off then?" he asked.

"i do it every day," annie said. "sometimes a few times. i did it this morning in bed, and i have an hour before my next session, and i will probably do it again."

"in here?" he said.

"on that couch," annie grinned.

"you have touched yourself on this couch?"

"i've had sex on that couch," she said.

he patted the couch appreciatively. "nice."

annie laughed.

"people talk about sex in here a lot," he observed.

"yes," she said.

"how often do you get turned on during sessions?"

annie laughed. "pretty often."

"that's not only exciting but just kind of... it feels like proof that you're listening."

"i'm glad you see it that way," annie said.

as they wound down their session, kevin said, "i guess you want to get me out of here so you can... you know."

"do a little DJing?" annie joked.

he laughed. "yes," he said. "i mean, i'd gladly stick around..."

"you can," she said.

"really?" he said, surprised that his joking-but-not-joking cover had actually worked.

"sure," annie said. "we're off the clock. you want to watch me touch myself?"

"very much," he said.

annie decided to be fairly reserved -- she took off her skirt but left on her panties, which were here fairly standard white cotton bikini briefs, and sat in her chair and reached in and started touching herself. kevin stared.

"do you like to be watched?" he asked.

"yes," she moaned.

"will you take off your panties for me?" he asked.

"okay," she said. she slipped them off and tossed them toward her desk. he looked at her bald pussy and grinned. "perfect," he said.

annie was working herself up pretty rapidly. "i'm gonna cum," she told him.

"good girl," he said.

annie yelped as she climaxed. she convulsed a little in her chair and then collapsed and licked her fingers.

"will you think of me differently now?" she asked him.

he thought about it. "no," he said. "as soon as i met you, i pictured you doing that kind of thing. and worse."

"like what?" she asked, smiling.

"like taking my cock up your ass."

annie grinned. "straight up my ass huh? not even gonna lick a girl's pussy first?"

"nope," he said, "right up your ass whether you like it or not."

annie held her tongue. she was going to ask for it, but thought she might better enjoy the road where she didn't give permission.

"you should get out of my office before you do something you regret," she said.

she got up and walked toward her desk to get her underwear. he followed her, and bent her over the desk. annie gasped as she hit the wood.

"shut the fuck up," he told her, pulling out his cock and pushing it into her.

she wasn't ready of course. she liked that she wasn't ready. it fucking hurt. he pounded her ass for 30 exquisitely brutal seconds, cumming somewhere in the middle of it. then he pulled out and pulled his cock away. annie never even saw it. she fell to the floor. he left her office immediately.

[tshortik]

I love you messy artstyle i love you visible brush strokes I love you textures and rough edges I love you imperfections I love you roughness and colour blobs I love you scratchy sketches and bold stylisation and dirt and imperfections I love you ugly and raw emotion!!!!! ❤️

#i talk sometimes #art talk #i made a tweet like this on twatter ages ago but i've been feeling this a lot lately #also this is the start of me writing more on this blog and not only using it as art because who cares!! i don't!! #I wanna translate raw emotion into colors and shapes. I wanna know where to ignore all details and where to go ham you feel me? #i used to dream about developing a style like for MtG where it looked like a masterful oil painting that oozes realism and details #and i've realised the last two years or so that I would actually hate that for me. I know I wouldn't enjoy doing it. For myself. #it's that pipeline from wanting to be the perfect realistic wotc artist to accepting that I will never be that #instead i wanna learn how to stylise better and get a good brush economy going yknow. I wanna be bolder. #i doubt i'll ever be as incredible as all these MtG artists no matter what anyone says. but it's ok!! i don't have to be!!! #i just luv art man!!

[blujayonthewing]

pitched battle inside my brain between the part of me that's desperately shaking myself by the shoulders going "YOU HAVE GOT TO ACTUALLY LIVE THE KIND OF LIFE YOU IMAGINE INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING AROUND IMAGINING IT UNTIL YOU DIE!!" and the part of me that's clutching my face going "is this allowed? is this allowed?? is this allowed???"

#trying to plan a solo cicada pilgrimage and getting brainworms about it yeehaw #'making a lot of plans and never actually doing things in real life' has been a problem for literally as long as I can remember #but I also feel like I've developed a learned helplessness over the last several years that's gotten worse as I've gotten older?? #me age twenty: I think I'm gonna take myself to chicago next week because I feel like going to the zoo #me age thirty: am I allowed to go camping alone. am I allowed to do a solo road trip. I need a grownup #to be extremely clear I am very much allowed and this is not justin's fault and I don't know where it comes from #like I'll run things by him lowkey seeking 'permission' that I don't even need and he'll be like 'yeah that sounds good to me' #and then I STILL won't do the thing because like. my brain keeps insisting there needs to be a grownup in charge?? HELLO I'M GROWNUP #anyway I'm doing cicada trip solo BECAUSE-- the drive is so long I want to do five days because two of them will just be driving #and he can't get that much time off work right now #AND because I literally only want to Be Camping and Looking At Bugs but he'd get bored of a week of that he likes Activities #me this morning getting insecure and weird: what are your thoughts... on cicada voyage.... #him after at first not even understanding the question: I'm SO excited for you?? you deserve to get to go absolutely feral??? #I do.... ;n; 💕 why am I so scared to be a person....... #about me #cicada journey

[grey-automa]

The World!

Aaaaaaaand, that's a wrap!

The final card of A Fool's Journey is finished! though its a little late but lets ignore that

Anywho, I think that Titan!Luz was the perfect way to finish this off, as well as being very fitting of The World. The World often has themes of freedom of the self, triumph, grace, and moving forward. Titan!Luz seemed a perfect fit because she finally realizes that she isn't like Belos, confronts her fears and triumphs over them, and she can move forward to help the Boiling Isles, as well as growing as a witch who is more confident, loved, and cared for, and able to realize she deserves the love and care.

This feels like a nice continuation from The Star card, the owl house seems to fit oddly well in tarot lol

aaaaaand, as a token of appreciation for your patience, here's a bonus doodle of Amity

#oh boy i am tired #that was a very fun challenge and i feel like i learned a lot #both about tarot and myself as an artist #i think i've been holding back for awhile and not actually challenging myself enough which has only resulted in me stagnating #but now i feel a fire within me again! I want to learn more and do more! #i think i'm finally going to work on those comics i've been talking about #however i am definitely gonna take a little rest before i do that #a finished drawing every day is quite the work load lmao #alrighty goodnight! #my art #afoolsjourney #titan!luz #luz noceda #the owl house spoilers #the owl house fanart #toh fanart #fanart #tarot art

[felizusnavidad]

thinking about alexander longing for something to be a part of hamilton & and nina you are gonna change the world someday rosario, but also about my past & my future & i feel like i can finally see... the light?

#no i don't have a plan #no i have no idea where i'm going #but i have... ideas? #last couple weeks have been horrible to me but i feel like i've also learned a lot about myself & who i am & who i've always been #it's crazy to think that i may actually find the answer #it's all still so unclear #i don't know where i'm going yet #but i am going #and just a few days ago i was like #i can't move the mountains i can't make the flowers bloom i can't take another night up in my room waiting on a miracle #but today i am very much like #i would move the mountains make new trees & flowers grow someone please just let me know where do i go i am waiting on a miracle #i am ready come on i'm ready #(and that someone is me) so like #full of hope #for some reason #and what's crazy about it is that i've been inspired by so many things & people #my friend who's older than me went to college this year #maybe it's not too late for me #my prison gang is always so supportive & i love them so much they have no idea #my sister who's always proud of me no matter what #all those people who believe in me even if they don't even know me (i am also talking about you daisy anon you actually gave me some ideas) #my other irl friends #and music and musicals and art and... lin #oh wow this is so chaotic #but like... everything that's around me makes me feel much stronger than i've ever been #and i know i can find the right path & change my life #i will find my thing & maybe it's even closer than i think #talking shit for the hell of it*

[dan-crimes]

LMAO so funny thing is everyone knows the whole Sonic and Shadow looking alike thing is total bullshit and I totally agree those comments they try to pull in the games and show(s? I'm not technically a Sonic fan I dunno if it's multiple) make basically no sense to me but then my Mom comes in while watching Sonic Prime and says "So what, Sonic has a brother or something?" and this whole other world has opened up to me and I've seen the truth of it all

#so to clarify I do not consider myself a Sonic fan since I have never played a Sonic game and I've never read any of the comics #and idk the lore cuz I've never really bothered to watch other people play it and I have watched some of the shows #y'know my grandma had 4Kids so sometimes I would catch Sonic X on TV #but literally most of my knowledge of the Sonic franchise is just having people talk to me about it #like when I was a kid my grandma babysat these kids who were older than me I forget how old I was like under 10 I think #and one of the kid's big interest was Sonic so I would just sit and listen to him talk about Sonic the entire time I was there #he would play the games too I think but my brain didn't process any of that so I have no actual memory of the screen #I would mostly just pay attention to him talking cuz he would talk about it while playing it was great #so that is the base of my knowledge and then after my grandma stopped babysitting them it was radio silence #until y'know people would occasionally bring stuff up in videos I'd watch and I'd look @ videos about people talking abt Sonic #occasionally and see like memes or YTPs of Sonic or y'know abridged stuff #but I literally never actually watched a Sonic game until Frontiers came out and then The Murder Of Sonic the Hedgehog #and Sonic Prime is the first Sonic show I properly sat down and watched which show is great btw I enjoy it a lot #but yeah and it was vaguely purposeful like I was keeping myself away cuz I know how I am about stuff and I WILL try to learn EVERYTHING #if I get too interested in Sonic as a franchise #oh I did play Unleashed sometime after it first came out and couldn't get past like the first fuckin level but tbf I was like 7 years old #possibly 8 years old cuz I'm not 100% sure how much later I got the game but like I was really bad @ any game that wasn't just like #spamming buttons since I grew up on fighting games lmao #but yeah I dropped the game almost immediated I do not count that for anything #but yeah long story short: all my knowledge is second hand like I still think I know a good amount for what it's worth but #I wouldn't trust my own knowledge

[andthebeanstalk]

Ya know. I spent most of my life with horrible painful soul-crushing social anxiety.

And after about 25 years of continuous hard work, suddenly, people started pointing out - to my utter bafflement - that I had, in fact, achieved my lifelong dream of being charismatic. I'm 29 now; I feel comfortable in most social situations, and it is a very rare person whom I cannot make laugh.

I am, undoubtedly, finally, charismatic.

But do you know what I found?

I found that now that I have an understanding of which social rules serve which functions -- Now that I have an understanding of just how much damage my awkwardness was doing to people, well,

I found that, actually, my awkwardness never really hurt anyone at all. People were just judgmental dicks to me about it.

Now that I have the skill-level to (most of the time) creatively vocalize what is in my head as soon as I think it and without fear, I can confirm once and for all what I had always suspected:

I was worth talking to when I was quiet.

I was worth talking to when I was awkward, and when the words in my head took time and patience to hear, and when most of my jokes didn't land. I was worth talking to the whole time.

So I just... I hope that if you've ever wondered whether you are worth communicating with, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Each of us has a soul worth sharing - and if you and I were talking, I would happily wait for you to speak (or communicate in other ways) without condescending, and I would never shame you for that harmless awkwardness that so many people feel the need to violently stomp out.

You are worth talking to. You just are. And you deserve people who will speak to you with kindness, with patience, and with the basic immutable respect owed to all people.

(I talk about this with some frequency, both on tumblr and in real life. At some point, maybe I'll gather all my thoughts on the matter into one post. At some point, I wrote about my personal experience trying to build my social skill. But I felt the need to say at least a little bit tonight after seeing this other lovely post, and I'm glad I did. It will happen again.)

#original #social anxiety #autism #that one post #actually autistic #self-diagnosis is valid - in case that last tag implies otherwise to anyone. i think it just denotes i am an autistic and not just an ally. #social skills #socially awkward #socially anxious #autistic positivity #autism positivity #like actually genuinely who does it hurt if i tell a joke that doesn't land? esp if the joke is not about another person #this is not a live comedy show this is life ya gotta learn to say 'ah well they can't all be golden!' #which btw is a line i use when my own jokes don't land and it usually plays pretty well actually. i've got a higher hit rate but #genuinely they just can't all be good! anyway i go into that in the post linked at the end there i think #people can tell when you're not sure of yourself socially and a lot of folks instinctively use that against you. and i am here to say that #it's fucked up that they are doing that and they need to step off actually. imagine getting to decide on which social cues are #acceptable and then using that power to be unkind. fuckin gross. i regret so deeply each time in my life i have made that choice. #being a kid who is abused like that so often it was eager to power trip when i met kids more awkward than myself. but it was wrong #and i regret it. and i am proud to say i haven't done that in a long time and instead when i find myself with that power i try to say #actually what do YOU want? to the people shyer than me. #i'm pretty rad now is what i'm saying lol #like all the ways that having a good social stat has improved my life just made me realize what bullshit it is that this was necessary #doing what I did is not desirable or possible for everyone. they deserve just as much out of life as i do. #side note: i think I've actually surpassed a lot of neurotypicals who had never even had to think about social rules 🤣. #like I feel no competition with other people who have struggled socially but now that I'm more charming than people who were dicks to me #I do feel like fuck you!! I win!!!! I can finally see enough of the full picture to say that your arbitrary rules were FUCKING ARBITRARY #I'm also aware of the fact that not everyone finds me charismatic but i am. in all the ways that matter to me. and I'm still growing! #note to future jack: you did save these posts in your notes app on the day this was written. #tbh i am often still awkward i am just not sorry anymore if i'm not hurting ppl. 'confident and awkward' really throws 'em for a loop! XD

[01tsubomi]

i'm taking the jlpt this sunday and had a stress dream last night abt it bc it sort of snuck up on me and now it's kind of a question of how much my actual japanese abilities will carry me (versus if i should've been cramming on flashcards this past month) but the listening portion is far simpler conversation than my coworkers and i have so. i think that maybe instead of "damn i should've been studying japanese" my perspective should just be "i speak japanese"

#a key part of the dream though was that i failed because i went on a motorcycle joyride during the 40 minute break and didn't make it back #in time for the listening section. the prompt for the listening section btw was to write an essay in english about kirishima eijirou #so i was like damn i would've totally passed #anyway hashtag classic maya but idk #i think i have a bit of a complex abt it bc i was studying for n1 (highest level) in college #but w the switch to online learning we stopped studying the stuff i really needed to work on (vocab and kanji) #and whatever kanji i knew how to write went out the window bc i never had to turn in written homework again #so i really let myself go there for a good two years but since moving last summer i've not only been having japanese conversations every da #i've also actually been studying kanji in my downtime at work #so i have picked up most of the study guide-type information just really slowly over time #i read a ton of manga in japanese lately and most shows on netflix here don't have eng subtitles but i'm fine without them 95% of the time #with the genre of shows i watch at least #so i've been thinking a lot lately abt what my end goal is w japanese studies because 'be able to consume all the art i want' feels like #a good place to be #i do think in the end the only thing between me and n1 is a lot of genuine hard work studying vocab and kanji and reading serious articles #so i feel like all 'sekkaku da shi' i've made it this far why would i just stop working at this point #those are just my thoughts though aaaa i know reading/vocab/grammar section is way more hit or miss #personal

[kindnessoverperfection]

There are two paths before me.

One is overgrown, full of thorns and bristles and broken branches. The other is sunny and clear.

Surely, the first will lead to nothing but risk, danger, and pain, while the second will be a blissful, joyful walk.

But there's nothing for me on that clear path. No food, no life, no person out there besides myself. I know that the overgrown path can grant me all those things and more, if only it weren't such a wretched way to go.

So I spend some time on the clear path, walking forward until I can't take the loneliness and discontent anymore, and I turn back. But when I arrive where I started, the first path is still overgrown, worse still than before. Frustrated and feeling helpless, I start down the clear path again. When I decide to take care of myself and survive instead of starving to death on the barren trail, I turn back again. And again, the other is overgrown and terrifying.

I go back and forth, until I fall to my knees, crying and begging for someone, anyone, to help me. To remove the thorns and bristles and branches.

And then I realize, this entire time, I've been running from the pain. I've been waiting for the trail to clear up on its own, to grant me safe and easy passage.

It wasn't my fault I was never taught wilderness survival - I don't know how to make it through such an area, bandage the scrapes and wear functional gear and step over the branches. But I can learn, even if I'll experience some hurt along the way.

#i've been improving but #i decided to spend my time on things that matter instead of spending it on my appearance #i've been practicing doing that a lot #but it's still really hard sometimes. i feel so desperate to prove myself. to hide the autism and anything else they've ridiculed. #prove to them that i can. that that's ''not me''. trying to heal inherently means taking care of myself and investing in my actual #interests rather than wasting my life so i can look pretty and come off appealing and confident and NT and whatever else #but the shame and desperation are so strong i've spent the day crying just because i didn't spend the time to make myself the #most impressive person in the room lmaooo #anyways. realized that i always run into the same roadblock. ''this hurts really badly so i'm going to run back into the arms of NPD becaus #that feels safe and stable'' #people can look down on me. not take me seriously. assume i'm incompetent or incapable. find me shameful or embarrassing or flawed. #they can make fun of me. talk about me behind my back. show disgust or disdain. abandon me with no explanation. exclude me. reject me. #and yeah it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. but hiding who i am and turning everything into a source of approval-seeking is making me #actively want to die. and i'm incapable of getting close to anyone or anything like this. i need to acknowledge the pain and let it hurt. #learn to deal with it instead of run from it.

[cuideag]

i think i busted my 3d printer hot end trying to replace a nozzle (tip: a wrench is better than a pair of pliers when you need to grip something in a way that it cannot be wiggled around!) so i got a replacement one, which arrived with a huge kink in the tubing that filament can't pass through, so i guess i'm just going to replace/upgrade the tubing too while my poor machine is out of commission because at this point i might as well

#talking to myself #i'm glad i printed the stuff i needed to print before hand #but i am also glad i am learning a little bit more about this printer #i've had it (anycubic vyper) for a while and honestly it is still largely a mystery to me #i still do not understand most of the parameters and i haven't done the whole. calibration thing that reddit says i should do lmfao #uguguh #but it really makes me want to learn cad software because building little things is a lot of fun #and there's something really cool about seeing a thing you built in blender etc become an actual thing #we have a resin printer too but it hasn't seen a lot of use lately... #there's something so satisfying about filament. and also the fact that it's not as dangerous or as much of a hassle lmfao #resin printing is so cool but!!!!! oh my god what a mess! #maybe some day i'll learn how to model properly so i can build minis for my little guys #alas.........

[loverdude]

My senior show is also so stupid lol like I am never again in my life gonna put my artwork in a gallery setting that's just not something I enjoy at ALL or aspire to do but I have to do this whole big terribly stressful thing in order to graduate and it's SO DUMB

#💭 #i may be a studio art major but like. not... actually LOL #like i am but uh. i'm just like. whatever idc... #i don't necessarily regret going to college i wouldn't have met some important friends otherwise #including my bf lol he didn't go to my school but he was a friend from high school of a friend i made at school #and a lot of the actual things i've gotten to try in studio classes have been fun and cool opportunities #like quilting and ceramics and oil painting etc... #and some stuff i learn in classes like art history and other stuff can be really interesting to learn #but the like... expectations side of it... #not everyone is gonna go above and beyond in class and also like #go on to grad school and eventually make a living off of like solely being a gallery artist or whatever else #i'm gonna like. idk hopefully get some diagnoses soon and mayyyybe get some government benefits that eventually and like #work a calm part time simple not-physically-exhausting job and do commissions or shop stuff or sell crafts etc on the side #ideally speaking etc but. i just wanna have a calm warm cozy healthy life with my bf and family and friends that's all i care about #the world of art school is not really for me lol just bc art is the main thing i do with my time doesn't mean like. #thats the kind of path i'm gonna go down... #i always feel like no one in those settings thinks my main art i make is professional or original or my full capability anyway lol #cuz it's fanart or cartoony or whatever #i make lots of other art too and can do all kinds of styles but i shouldn't have to do it to like. prove myself #no one should #sorry so much rambling lol #i'm just frustrated and stressed

[cinnamon-phrog]

Sorry for clogging all of your dashboards I've been in a good mood bc!!! I got awesome news today!

REUNITED!!!!!!

#HE'S BACK! re-ordered a yellow and completely forgot! #also uh. yesterday i talked about taking a year to myself what if i did that NOW #there are a lot of things i want to do and solve for myself #i've had no time to actually take care of myself. i've been TREATING myself but that's done nothing but make me crave more #but actually sorting my stuff out. internal external what have you. THAT has helped me a lot #college has been a bad experience overall and i put it down to me just not being ready for it. too much change in only a few months. #it made me jaded and i'd like some whimsy thank you very much. only if i try though #🎨🌻 #🦆📋 #🍝👄 #🚦🏠 #i've seen people become jaded bc of their traumas and it's saddening. and i need to learn that maybe not everyone needs fixing no matter- #my intentions and sometimes i DO go overboard and come off brash. when in reality i'd hate that to happen and only wish people the best #i learn things everyday and i'm still so young. not even 17 yet. i still have time for improvement in myself #i will ALWAYS apologise. ALWAYS extend kindness. ALWAYS admit fault bc that's just all i can do. #so anyway OUPPETS!!!!! I wanna keep them safe i'm thinking of making a box dedicated to little trinkets of Them. #i've been sheltered and Her lessons are still ingrained on me and i'm slowly [but surely!] unlearning them and not using Her as an excuse- #for laziness or my ability to talk to people and guessing everybody wishes me the worst when really they have other things on their mind. #college smollege i am not a character stuck in a narrative! i am nbot the narrative! i am me! and i say my lessons lie outside of there.

[brinnanza]

despite everything it turns out I'm a fucking bottom

#sub and bottom are different things and they don't necessarily coincide #and for a while I thought I didn't actually like bottoming #but it turns out I'm a sub bottom bitch smh #my fwb/client/guy I've been seeing bought me a set of plugs and they are rainbow stripes #tw sex sorry friends I'm learning so much about myself #I truly cannot over emphasize how getting friends and smoking weed improved my life in every way #I don't think I even realized how miserable I was for so long #and I'm still miserable a lot #but I'm not so tightly wound #which was exhausting #anyway do drugs kids it'll change your life

[starpros-sunshine]

Also I have to confess when Eichi does the the "I've heard usually people do this and this" or anything in that vein as a statement it's so real to me

#speaking as someone who learned most of their way of existing from tv and movies ans audio books and audio dramas. #I wasn't confined to a hospital bed I was just very enamored with movies and TV shows and audio dramas #and never really interested in interacting with other kids #and I'm an only child #and my social life began around this winter when people started celebrating their birthdays and inviting me and hanging out and inviting me #before that I never did anything with my friend acquaintances #We're too close to be acquaintances but i don't like labeling people as friends it puts an obligation on the relationship #there's one of them i genuinely consider a friend but we mostly talk about our interests and that's where it stops #she's the only one I talk with outside of the shared WhatsApp chat and ever since her number one friend found another number one friend #We've started talking more because what else am I supposed to do #it's nice. I'm a tea drinker now. #somewhat #in movies they always have bigger friend groups but i cant manage that many relationships at once #so it's better if I reserve the term friend for people who I actually talk to outside of certain contexts #but yeah it's so interesting when life imitates art #teenagers are supposed to get drunk right recently I accidentally got drunk enough to deliver the finishing blow to an already weak glass #never doing that again imagine the things I could've revealed about myself #but it's a fascinating experience because now I can look at that in fiction and understand!! #and I've been told I'm a bit cartoonish in the way I carry myself #which is a little funny to me because I as a person am pretty apathetic to a Lot of things #few things that make me happy a lot of things that annoy me and the rest is jusg kind of in the soup #but it's fine rhats just what being normal is like i guess #i should sleep it's lateeeeee and I need to get up early tomorrow. #regrettably #enjoy the tags while you still can because those things will be going down with this post in a few hours when I'm awake again and #less uncomfortable with sharing any kind of personal information

[mik-arts]

after a long fight to rescue her from a dangerous figure from her past, Noore chose to leave the party for her own protection - leaving behind only a note and a devastated Flora

#dungeons and dragons #dnd #dnd pc #flora #flora dunnan #ttrpg #my art #a moment of hesitancy before following the rest of her companions back into the feywild #as of me drawing this I still haven't figured out how flora's gonna process the loss #of the first person she thought truly cared about her for who she was inside and not her position #especially immediately after learning that she looks so much like Noore's sister #so it wasn't even actually who she was on the inside that drew noore to her #it was because she so strongly reminded her of someone else entirely #my kiddo has a lot of processing to do #and so do I tbh #idk I've been thinking a lot about how I tend to explore different aspects of myself in my dnd characters #and while Brina has very much been me trying to accept being unapologetically myself #and like unmasking my adhd #flora has been a journey of love? and like. what it means to give love and how to learn to receive it from the people around her #and also to some degree the difference between being used and being loved #specifically through the lens of her caregivers in that regard for backstory stuffs #tbh this doesn't stop at dnd characters bc I did it with Cora too without thinking #with her it was a big exploration of like... no longer bottling up emotions and learning how to wield them like a blade #just like... a lot of learning to cope with responsibility and how to not lose oneself through that #and also - in regards to her romancing bull - a lot of just. deciding to no longer care about what other people think of decisions #and like all of these are still things that I need to continue working on in myself #but it's interesting to think of how it's like... less daunting to explore big things like that through a character first #idk #I havent purposely sought to do this with any of them it's just kind of a pattern I've noticed esp when I particularly connect with an oc #anyways