#i'm just emphasizing that i am unique in the sense that i was able to somewhat repair that

[uncanny-tranny]

Something I realized (which was obvious to me subconsciously) is that... The family that vehemently didn't accept me when I first came out but now do accept me are still the same family that I am most unwilling to be open about things I feel protective over.

I remember that my dad reacted so poorly, not to my coming out, but to my transition specifically that my therapist was the one to ask if I wanted to put it on my file that I wanted nothing to ever be shared with him about my health after I broke down multiple times due to my anxiety that I would never transition. While there are and were protections for me, I was incredibly fearful at the time because I was a minor, and I was so worried that he would have prevented my transition that I couldn't have said for certain what (if any) lengths he would have gone to to prevent that.

He's grown a lot as a person, and made some commendable strides. But he didn't find out from me when I medically transitioned the second I turned eighteen, and I think that's among the things that truly made him realize the scope of the issue.

I'm not here to guilt trip parents, guardians, or other members responsible for the care of the children or teens or young adults in their care.... but this is a cautionary tale. You aren't saving the people in your care when you do this, you simply reinforce an idea that you will never care for them, never want them as they are, would rather them be shoved away.

When you give people reasons to be secretive, they will behave secretively. When you give people reasons to doubt their safety around you, they will become sneaky, defensive, and withdrawn. When you give people reasons to doubt that you value their life, they will believe that you don't care if they live or not.

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #ally advice #transphobia #transphobia tw #i always feel the need to preface that i have a rebuilt relationship with my dad specifically... #...but that my experiences with them have served to me in many ways to illustrate... well... what NOT to do if you are in his situation #i do still grieve that my relationship with him looks very scarred and that it took a long time to get to where he is now #but i recognize that in many ways this is a product of the world and culture we live in and that he lived in #in a world he grew up gay was used as a slur. would i expect that trans people would be treated better? #and he was responsible for how he reacted but also... it's nuanced as to why he reacted so poorly #and i want people to AVOID being like he did if they EVER want a decent relationship with the other person #i want this to be a cautionary tale and that my ending is unique. not all of us are even ABLE to repair a relationship that was THAT broken #some of us die trying. some of us never get closure. some of us are in active danger because of those reactions #and that's the more common reality i have found. most other queer people have no-contact with families who pulled the shit my dad had... #...and that's - frankly - a good idea in 99.9% of cases. i will never judge someone for the way they go about dealing with that #i'm just emphasizing that i am unique in the sense that i was able to somewhat repair that

[spottedenchants]

Hey chanse, hope this isn't too weird but I just wanted to thank you for the touching sentiments series. Fandom is really good for finding fic with aspec perspectives and I've noticed essek/sg fic has a lot of it even compared to that. But I've never read anything like ts and it means a lot to me. I've been thinking lately about relationship dynamics as performances, and if you use that metaphor, a QPR is a performance of some really obscure play that I keep hearing about and it sounds SO good but i cant imagine how it would actually look, much less see myself as an actor in a production. And especially with your most recent two fics-- there is such intimacy between both Essek and Jester and essek and Caleb in these different ways, and at the same time, even when essek and Caleb straight up have sex, Essek is still at the same place on the ace/aro spectrum the whole time and it's just. Really nice to see, if that makes sense. I've read aromantic/asexual/QPR stories where sex and romance are just not on the table at all, and while those are great it's really comforting to see a story that blurs the lines even deeper than that. Not to get too serious about it, but it's so hard realizing you're gonna spend a lot of your life trying to write your own relationship blueprints, and I really can't emphasize enough what a comfort it is to know that someone else has thought about it enough to be able to write it out the way you have, and I'm really really grateful for it.

Hi hi! If a ‘thank you’ is weird, then I give you an equally weird ‘thank you for reading’ right back :3

(got rambly so the rest is under the cut xD)

I've definitely found fandom to be an excellent place to engage with aspec stories and feel very lucky to have found a corner where they feel not only accepted, but celebrated in good faith, and I am touched (ha :D) that Touching Sentiments has found a unique place in your mind and heart! 💜

As far as I’ve personally read (though tbf I have not read nearly as much published aspec fiction as I would like), I definitely get what you mean about the yes/no dichotomies of sex and romance that often show up in stories with aspec characters. ‘No’ is a lived truth for a lot more people than pop culture tends to imply, aspec or not, and I heartily agree that it’s very cool to see in print and on screen that ‘no, never’ is an option in the first place. :D It also has the benefit of being a very convenient shorthand to express a character’s orientation in a self-contained story that isn’t About their orientation, but also I get what you mean about wanting to see the lines blurred with ‘maybe’ more often. (Though that can get tangled in the whole ‘aces/aros can still conform to amatonormative standards’ side of things, which I really don’t have a solution for other than continuing to write and engage with aspec stuff, cause it’s hard to have a spectrum with only two points and getting multiple perspectives is the only way I really know how to build it out).

That’s definitely one of the reasons why I’ve found fanfic to be such a cool medium to write in- there’s soooo much room to really dig into nitty gritty details that a fixed story might not have the same space for! What is romance, what is sex, what is care, what is intimacy, what is love? *cue the music* We’re throwing out the dictionary here and writing our own so that everyone’s on the same page. >:3

I don’t have the bulk of these things posted yet, but TS!Essek’s intimacy with each of the Nein is very important to me and all of it is for sure flavored by his sexuality, and I am Thrilled that you've found him to be consistent!! I don't necessarily think TS goes deeper than other explorations in which the characters in question discuss or display their feelings around sex and romance, especially in the the fanfic scene, I’ve just published quite a lot of it and am reaping the benefits of breadth; no single TS fic needs to be everything or display every facet of him, it just needs to be whatever sliver it is. :3 (also I Do have a few cr fic recs (mostly sg) off the top of my head that dig into those lines of intimate conversation if you are interested :D)

As for relationships as performances! That is a lovely metaphor and I entirely understand what you mean, same hat and everything xD In some ways, I consider TS to be a very informal study log/synthesis paper on exactly that, and the script has just gotten more nuanced as I go xD That said, if you or anyone else is interested in the sorts of things I’ve researched to build the flavor of TS!Essek’s relationships with the Nein, I recommend searching up ‘relationship anarchy’ and ‘queerplatonic relationships’ specifically for further means of describing interpersonal relationships outside of the framework of amatonormativity, and then ‘loveless aromantic’ and ‘lovequeer’ for conversations about varying definitions of love and its applications both as a term and a concept.

I’ve also found pre-written/referenceable materials like Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbords and Yes No Maybe lists to be very helpful with relationship blueprints, too. The latter are often about the expression of sexuality as a whole, and they involve individualized thresholds of things ranging from states of dress to preferred anatomical terms to hygiene to safety to what is/isn’t deemed sexual, and other such points of emotional and physical intimacy as well. (Also I recommend Scarleteen just in general. very useful very informative very comprehensive groundwork)

I am sososo heartened to know you’ve found so much comfort in TS 🥺 It’s been almost three years since I started writing, period, and I am very glad my writing has been received with such grace and patience. Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm with me! I hope you continue to find stories that speak to you, and am grateful you've allowed mine to be a part 💜

#words!!! #words words yay #i could talk for a While about the intricacies of ts!essek's sexuality as i've carved it out so far #almost did here but it would have been Quite a digression xD #orientation and expression and identity and and and #people are all so intricate and unique #it's fascinating #he is a vessel of investigation and discovery #ALSO if you or anyone has recs for aspec fiction please gimme i wanna read them #talesofsymphoniac #chanswers

[clearcloudlesssky]

BONJOUR (i really need to stop opening all my asks with this line there is not a singular french bone in my body)

you seem like a cool and intellectual person (everything i aspire to be fr)! and you speak mandarin like me (事实说，我的华文很糟糕...我的母语怎么说到那么差哎呀呀)! and you're friends with all my friends (i'm like a human detector device i see new person on my friends' blogs i stalk their page and follow them ehehehhj)

like we have to be besties at this point/j

my question: gush over your favourite book?? like GUSH IDC IF I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT I WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DETAIL

NEE HOW 没关系---其实我的中文也很糟糕 (ಥ﹏ಥ))

thank you so much for the ask!! i'm VERY new to interacting on tumblr so this is like really really really cool to me lmao

also PLEASE i am not a intellectual or a cool person do not aspire to be like me you don't know what i did last year under the blood red full moon of october 27th at 3:27pm

ok the gushing part I'LL TRY TO STICK TO BOOKS/MEDIA NO PROMISES THOUGH

generally speaking my favorite books are the ones i'm reading/have just read, so right now they'd prob be perfume as you who have stalked my blog may be able to tell and probably coriolanus which i am rereading rn @bassguitarinablackt-shirt i told you about coriolanus last year sobs

i was forced to read perfume by a friend of mine -- she's a sucker for these totally reprehensible, incorrigible characters, and she'd been ranting abt perfume for aaaages. and it sounded kinda perverse but at the same time really interesting so i read it and it was actually really good...

ok and just in case this monstrosity below convinces anyone to read perfume, there's a few warnings in hand

perfume is a decently dark book, there's like 26 total murders, and the ending is...interesting. the author has a talent for creating unique, immersive descriptions but like maybe 20-30% of the time these descriptions lean towards eroticism so if you don't like that pls be warned?

if you've ever seen food wars think that but with really really good smells

ok now to start

i think that perfume is really cool because it's one of those where there's exactly one, very very clear theme - others may crop up but this feels super central, and that theme would probably be human greed, and the tendencies of humans to destroy that which they most love. it dives into total obsession and the idea of wanting to possess something so much, so badly that you destroy it in that greed, and the poster boy for this idea is the main character of the book, jean-baptiste grenouille, who murders those with scents he desperately wants to possess

the entire book is very unique in that it focuses itself around one sense - smell, and this creates a lot of really cool descriptions and a pov that you've probably never thought of before.

the mc himself is also a really interesting character - he's totally dominated by this sense, he's like a dog but ten times more sensitive to smell. he doesn't care about other human beings at all, he doesn't care about physical pain, or visually beautiful things, he only cares about the smells around him. he has a urge to possess all of them, to learn how to create them and collect them. i've spoken about his inhumanness and other stuff before so i won't go into that (this is long sobs i haven't even spoken abt coriolanus)

ok what's below is a weirder interpretation..

one of the ideas that popped out to me when i was reading is that the author uses individual scents as an analogy for a soul. everything in grenonuille's world has a scent. it is what defines them. it is what makes them them in his worldview, and for him to lack a scent means that he lacks a soul, and this only further emphasizes his inhumanity. he's terrified when he realizes this, and his lack of a smell is what actually pushes other humans away from him

by attempting to create a sort of "ultimate perfume" for himself, he seeks to give himself a soul, a sense of being, but he's left full of hatred and fear once he realizes that people don't care for him, the soulless, scentless grenouille, but the scent he created. they aren't attracted to him as a person, they're attracted to his ultimate perfume, and their sheer olfactory gullibility disgusts him. i can elaborate but that means spoiling the rest of the book and i don't wanna do that TwT

this leaves no room for coriolanus but let it be said this is a goofy ass book (i love it but still) generally shakespeare is a bit dry? for me and i don't take a lot of enjoyment out of it but i had fun reading coriolanus

the main idea of coriolanus is a general, a military hero who enters the cutthroat world of roman politics, and is absolutely destroyed. his bluntness, refusal to compromise, and above all pride makes him psychologically ill-suited to become a politician, generally i feel that a lot of traits that made him an excellent general turn on him once he becomes a consul (think president).

he has an absolutely wack relationship with his mom, who i feel is like the roman equivalent of that one parent who's basically living through their child. from the start to the end, she's the one pulling his strings. she's the one who pushed him to military success, she's the primary one who pushed him to become consul, and it's her who's able to convince him to spare Rome when he finally leaves to seek revenge. and when she returns to rome? it's her who gets the glory, it's her who's hailed as rome's savior, while coriolanus himself is brutally murdered at the end of the book.

to me, she comes across as someone who's hyper-ambitious, and perhaps as a woman in ancient rome, she wasn't able to move anywhere with those ambitions, so she pushed them onto her son instead. she speaks of blood and swords and death, and is prideful that her son was sent into battle at a young age.

honestly their relationship is one of my favorites from this play, and the only scene that i enjoy more than the death scene is uh coriolanus's arch nemesis speaking about him..

"Twelve several times, and I have nightly since Dreamt of encounters 'twixt thyself and me; We have been down together in my sleep, Unbuckling helms, fisting each other's throat; And waked half dead with nothing"

And there's also this

"Than thee, all noble Marcius. Let me twine Mine arms about that body, where against My grained ash an hundred times hath broke, And scarr'd the moon with splinters: here I clip The anvil of my sword, and do contest As hotly and as nobly with thy love As ever in ambitious strength I did Contend against thy valour. Know thou first, I loved the maid I married; never man Sigh'd truer breath; but that I see thee here, Thou noble thing! more dances my rapt heart"

yep additional note coriolanus's full name is gaius marcius coriolanus

they're a little bit silly aufidius totally isn't the one assassinating him at the end nope

SORRTY THIS WAS REALLY LONG

#coriolanus #perfume #answering asks #perfume: the story of a murderer #i rambled too long geesh #grenouille the tick

[czenvs3000f23]

Unit 4 Blog

Prompt: Who are you to interpret nature through art? How do you interpret “the gift of beauty”?

To me, nature and art are synonymous. It's impossible to have one without the other. There's a reason why some of the most world-renowned and critically acclaimed paintings are of beautiful, sweeping landscapes. But it's not always that simple. How the art is created, through the use of different techniques is just as important. Colour and contrast can be used expertly to convey a specific theme, as well as line weight and perspective. Art, at its core, is deeply human. We seek to find ourselves in art and how to best relate to it. Sometimes art can say things we ourselves don't have the words for. It evokes profound feelings of relatability that guide understanding across cultures and continents.

Seeing this, it's no wonder that art has been used as a tool for nature interpretation. As mentioned in the textbook, the gift of beauty can be interpreted through genius loci. I firmly believe that each natural site has its own unique history that contributes to its overall significance. This doesn't have to be strictly natural history either, but cultural, geographic, artistic, and architectural history as well. Connecting heritage to art emphasizes the importance of a particular area and why it is being conserved for use by the general public.

In addition to this, being able to share this sense of beauty in nature is critical for interpretation. There must be some medium where many people partake in a site's beauty without ever physically stepping foot there. I have an appreciation for places around the world that I've never even been to, and this was only possible through photographs, paintings, poems, etc.

Art can also be used as a tool to start conversations about difficult topics without being direct about it. Making an artistic statement is sometimes more useful than straight-up facts because there is engagement from the audience. People can ask questions, dissect certain word choices or colour palettes, and gain an understanding of the intent. Usually, art is not so black-and-white, it is filled with nuances that are more thought-provoking when discussed, rather than served up neatly on a platter.

So, who am I to interpret nature through art? Well, I'm not the authority on what constitutes good and bad art but rather can contribute my own perspective on what I consider art. That's the thing about using art as a medium to portray certain themes, it's subjective. Generating discussions about art can aid in the acknowledgment of its significance.

I went to the Rockwood Conservation area this weekend and took some breathtaking photos of the beautiful fall colours. To me, these represent the vastness of nature and the complexity that each season brings. But that's just me-- what do you think? :)

[upfrog]

An AI-generated art hot-take

Time to get some people mad at me.

I just saw a post where someone was expressing their frustration at generative AI, specifically the risk it poses to artists, and how it continues/worsens/partakes of a tradition of reducing art to a finished product. There was a particular piece of it that made me very annoyed, and I've seen this piece in a lot of posts about generated art. Well, it's past midnight where I am, I'm tired, and I'm tired of shutting up about my view on this.

"It's [AI art's] entire central premise is built on the grim truth that many people don't see artists as skilled laborers using years of practiced skill to create something unique, but as data to be exploited"

Some other posts also emphasize a perceived sense of entitlement to art; that AI art advocates feel it is unfair for artistic creation to be limited to the elect few.

I would like to give a very strong rule. Like all rules, no doubt you could come up with exceptions to it. But this rule is foundational to the world around us, it's development, and it's future.

Making it easier to create things is good. Period. Making it take less time, effort, people, and training to create things is good. Period.

Technology making jobs redundant is a good thing. It is the foundation of almost all human progress. We are all descendants of farmers who were cruelly put out of work by new technological developments. The day when one person and a computer can do the work of an entire department of artists will be a good day - we are not there, maybe we'll never get there. But technology making people redundant is good. Expanding the ability of the average human to do things is good. And the fact that we have gotten to the point where people are unironically saying "it's *good*, actually, that it takes years of practice and effort to be able to produce good art, and you shouldn't want it any other way" is... Perverse? Horrifying? Taking self-interest into the realm of actively tearing your fellow humans down?

To be clear (because this is the internet, and if I don't specify then someone will fill in the gap with the worst things imaginable) I'm not saying that a future where generative AI is extremely good, widespread, and accessible will not have downsides. The threats of bespoke scams, deepfaked videos, floods of bots with a superb ability to guide the narrative, and so on are real, dangerous, and may already be coming to pass.

I know that one aspect of the anti-AI-generated art kickback has to do with the nature of professional art, and the type of people who do it. "Art", broadly defined, is substantially a passion field. You don't do it to get rich, or to have a stable life. You do it because you love the work, and are willing to put up with a thousand downsides, annoyances, and more in order to do what you love. And having this taken away feels cruel in a way that, say, keeping grad students and accountants from having to manually calculate thousands of sums doesn't.

A few words of encouragement. Widespread literacy may have killed the scribal profession as it was understood at the time. But it opened up vastly more work than it destroyed, even if you just count the directly writing-related work. Mass-produced off-the-shelf clothing shrunk the tailor (as once understood) into practical insignificance. Does that mean that no one who is passionate about making clothes can work in the field now? No. We have far, far more clothing (insert anti fast fashion rant here, I'm all on board with that kickback), and more variety, and lots of people working with clothing. The development of software code compilers unemployed a large number of human compilers. In many ways, programming has gotten easier over the years, with a lower barrier to entry, more comprehensible languages, more resources, and so on. But that hasn't meant that software developers are stuck in an unemployment hell of too many job seekers and not enough openings. We, as a society, keep on finding more and more things we want them to program, and demand for the skillset keeps rising. I can't see the future. Maybe AI-generated art will be the end of employment for artists. Maybe the generative AI revolution is fundamentally different from every past productivity revolution. But I doubt it.

#ai art #ai #art #hot take #technology #The part I'm really sad about in all of this is how “tech bro” has become associated with basically everything tech #and how the tech bro stereotype is now often thought of as right-wing. #This makes sensible discussions of technology more difficult because people are using the tech topic as a tool to argue a more general #and unrelated political idea #Like #to change fields a bit #lots of left-ish people are all aboard on space travel. But as Musk has gone more and more right #and presented himself as more and more right #people who might otherwise have cheered any advance in space travel are now glad when a SpaceX thing doesn't work #Because they don't like musk #and musk/space is subsumed into the greater political debate #I don't like it #but in all fairness #I do think the Communists are on to something when they say that “everything is political”. #So a bit of an internal conflict there.

[teawiththegods]

This is an odd question, but is it normal to just not really feel anything when it comes to divine energy? I still have experiences with gods and feel them doing things like hugging me and holding my hands and poking me etc, but I don't feel a presence most times. Like there's just no energy really there. I can always feel something present, but it ends up being the weakest signal you can possibly imagine.

Is something wrong with me or something? Am I doing something wrong maybe? I just don't understand what the issue is or could be.

I see people like your recent ask who have these really life-changing and emotional and interesting experiences, but it's like I can barely even sense divine energy if at all. It feels...isolating. It makes it hard to have faith sometimes. I don't understand. I've been practicing for about a year and this has always been a thing for me. In the beginning it was easier to sense things but got harder and harder over time. Then I had a trauma happen and it's like it just stopped completely. Please give me some advice or information or something. I don't know what to do.

I don't expect you to have all the answers with this, but I really value and trust your opinion and experience so anything really helps. I love your blog btw and you're a really big inspiration for me. You reassure me when my faith feels weak so thank you for that. You help people with your posts and you are awesome. Thanks again. I'm sorry for bothering you at all.

Hello, love!

It's absolutely normal not to feel divine energy. The ways we interact, communicate, experience, and connect with the gods are unique and personal to each of us. I know the internet emphasizes specific ways typically the more extraordinary ways which absolutely can be isolating for those who don't experience that. But I assure you there are far more ways to exist with the divine than the internet lets on.

Also speaking from experience, time, patience and practice are all very powerful tools when it comes to connecting with deities. While I was able to sense some divine energy in the early years of my worship, it does not compare to what I experience now after 7 years. I really do want to emphasize to you and to everyone else reading this that it was only recently that I began to REALLY understand how i specifically communicate with my gods and get a true handle on it. A lot of it really came down to confidence in myself and my abilities. As well as being able to shut out the opinions of others.

Tho based on your message I have a sneaking feeling that your main problem is this trauma you mentioned. As someone who has spent the last year and a half discovering, dissecting, and trying to heal from my own trauma I can tell you that shit really impacts you more than you might realize. And it absolutely messes with your spiritual life. The biggest blocks I have when i stop experiencing the gods are my mental illnesses and my trauma. So I think you might have to try and process what happened and find ways to heal in order to begin feeling the gods again.

But of course only do that if you're ready for it. Like I said before, there are multiple ways to interact with the gods so its totally okay if right now you dont feel their energies. Don't rush into anything you're not ready for. Always prioritize yourself, love!

[shock]

I think I started the process of understanding myself and how I'm a unique, living person once I stopped feeling like all my friends had to be into the same things that I was, and only talking to people who shared my interests. And being afraid of talking to people who didn't, because how would I know what to talk about?

I have so many friends who are amazing at things I don't understand, or don't quite get, or am not good at, or have no interest in being good at, who are passionate and amazing people. And there's this kind of dynamic where I tell them what they do is amazing, and they tell me what I do that they perceive as unique or interesting or something they respect but aren't interested in doing the same way, and all around we start to see ourselves as unique people.

It's incredibly healthy for my brain to feel this sense of pride at my friends' achievements, but to also recognize my own and what my strengths are and who I am as a person. To be able to see my friends as individuals but also myself as an individual who brings something to the table. I could listen to some of my friends talk about music theory or chemistry for hours because they speak about it so passionately and I love them and I'll retain a little bit of it, they're sharing a piece of themselves with me. And I have friends who ask me about art, or writing, or human development, or communication, therapy...

Things I have lived with for so long that I consider second nature, or just part of my daily life, those things can be incredible to see from someone who doesn't experience them all the time. To have acknowledgment from the people around you that you add to their lives this way, it's helped me see that I'm important and things wouldn't be the same without me here. The same is equally true of all my friends. I've watched my friends come up with entire songs in minutes, just completely mesmerized. And to get to experience that, to have that shown to me, to be able to tell them how amazing they are, I'm learning something new every day. And I'm finding myself less and less envious of other people's talents and skills, as I focus on emphasizing my own strengths and bringing out the best in me.

And we can collaborate and make something new together based on our individual assets, something we couldn't make on our own but together is fantastic. And when some life event comes up that I've never experienced, more often than not someone I love and am friends with will know, or connect me to someone they love who does know.

I'm not afraid of awkward conversations anymore, of not having something to talk about with people, and I'm not existing as a receptacle for content so that I can connect with others. Every person I meet, if they're kind and they want to engage I feel like any conversation can be really incredible.

[thelastspeecher]

Hi! So like five months ago I sent you an ask about applying to grad school and you gave me a super amazing answer. And I'm back now because holy shit I got into grad school (CalArts for Creative Writing) and in the last one you said there was a whole 'nothing list of tips if you actually get into grad school? And I got in and I'm curious what the tips are? If there's anything you've learned in the last few months that changed your perspective on grad school? Thank you so much!

First off, congrats!  That’s a big accomplishment!  Grad schools in general are competitive, and big names like CalArts even more so.

So, you want my advice, eh?  Okay.  Let’s do this.

First step is getting organized.  You start in the fall (I’m assuming), so you have plenty of time.  Find out where important locations are on campus, familiarize yourself with the area you’ll be spending most of your time in (I’d focus on figuring out where the closest bathrooms and places to get food are, personally), and invest in a planner.  Keep that planner handy.  Use it.  It’s easier to stay organized if you start the semester that way than it is to try to organize yourself halfway through the semester.  Make a monthly budget.  Decide “I will spend X amount on groceries every time I go shopping”.  Keep track of the money in your bank account (a lot of banks have mobile apps that make this very easy).  Put some of your paycheck into a savings account every time.  You never know when you might need a nest egg.  Stay up to date on your medical needs (prescriptions, flu shots [for the love of god, get a flu shot], dentist appointments, yearly physicals).  You can definitely find resources at your school to help you with some of these tasks.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find a workshop on keeping a budget or other adult skills.  Attend workshops for new grad students.

Second, look into different support systems for students.  That means student-led organizations, departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws, and general resources.  Get a support system set up right away, particularly if you are going to be far from family.

Student-led organizations will be able to help you adjust and provide you a sense of community (particularly if you belong to a minority community).  Other grad students will be able to offer advice faculty or staff might not be able to.  Don’t isolate yourself!  That’s what I’ve been doing and it sucks!  The only reason I haven’t driven myself completely insane is because I have a roommate who happens to be my best friend.  If I could start over, I wouldn’t do what I did and avoid everyone because I was intimidated.  I would stroll into rooms with purpose and confidence that I am the baddest b*tch there.  Confidence gets you far in life, particularly in grad school.

“Departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws” is a very wordy way of saying the Title IX office, disability services, offices for students of color (schools typically have different offices for different racial minorities; find out which one is best suited for you), the LGBT resource center, and the like.  If you are part of a demographic minority, find out where you can locate help immediately.  If something goes wrong related to your status as a minority, you need to nip it in the bud RIGHT AWAY.

General resources are things like mental health services, university health services, survivor services, etc etc.  If you have any history of mental health issues or have been in therapy at any point in your life, I recommend jumping into counseling immediately, even if you feel like you don’t need it.  Just talking to a neutral party will help you more than you think.  Most schools offer free counseling for students, too.  If they don’t, then that’s really fucking weird, but they should be able to help you figure out a method for you to adjust smoothly without it being too much of a drain on your wallet.

Third, learn from my mistakes.  Good lord, learn from my mistakes.  I had a disastrous first semester at grad school.  I was overwhelmed, completely out of my depth, and the one thing I thought I was doing right I discovered I was actually completely fucking up.  I entered my second semester on academic probation and probation as a TA.  How do you learn from my mistakes?  A few ways.

The first time you TA (most grad students TA at some point), insist on someone observing you.  The department should automatically observe all TAs, particularly new ones, but it’s possible to slip through the cracks.  That happened to me.  The head TA was too busy to observe TAs my first semester, and I didn’t find out that I was a shitty TA until I was in a meeting with department and university head honchos, who were effectively accusing me of hating my students and hating being a TA and sucking in general.  That’s paraphrasing, and definitely not completely accurate, but that’s how the meeting felt to me.  I got by only because I explained to them “I am autistic, I struggle with new social situations”.  The extenuating circumstances in my situation allowed me to try to TA again, but this time with some accommodations and outside assistance.

Related: If you are disabled, disclose it to the department.  Disclose it to the higher-ups and the professor who will act as your advisor.  You don’t need to disclose it to anyone else, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to tell the people you will be working for.  Even if you have amazing coping skills, disclose it.  I’m damn good at pretending to be abled.  But my disabilities still bit me in the ass.  New situations and stress have a tendency of exacerbating symptoms.  You can’t expect everything to go smoothly.  And you can’t expect the department to hold your hand or even recognize what’s going on with you.  I’m the first diagnosed autistic grad student my department has ever had.  They had no clue how to handle that.  You’ll be going into a field that tends to be a bit more liberal than STEM (like my area of study), so you might not run into the issue of “uh we don’t know how to help you, please talk to some people at the office of equity”, but it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Related: If you are disabled, get your ass down to the disability services office and get accommodations.  Immediately.  Start the process over the summer.  Larger schools might have a more complicated process to get accommodations than smaller schools, so you need to get the ball rolling right away.  Even if you haven’t felt like you needed accommodations recently, get the ones you had in the past.  Don’t assume you’ll be fine without extra help.

Don’t take too many classes your first semester.  And make sure the ones you do take aren’t all super difficult.  I fucked up my first semester, bc I took three upper-level classes, two of them in chemistry.  Yeah, three doesn’t sound like much.  But when you’re juggling adjusting to grad school, starting up your thesis, and being a TA, three classes is a huge fucking amount of work.  I’d recommend two classes, maybe one of them difficult, the other one sort of medium difficulty.  Of course, you have to talk to your advisor for what works best for you, but I highly HIGHLY recommend starting off with a light class load your first semester.

When things start going south, bc they probably will at some point, don’t just keep your head down and try to force yourself through it.  Talk to the family members you are closest to (I’m very close with my parents, so I talk to them when I’m having issues, but it could be a sibling or an aunt or uncle or cousin).  Talk to friends.  Talk to a counselor (PLEASE get a counselor your first semester).  Talk to your advisor.  Talk to the other grad students in your department.  You should be able to find at least one shoulder to cry on, if not a whole bunch.

I said this before, but don’t isolate yourself.  Please don’t.  It’s easy to avoid people when you’re stressed.  Don’t do that.  Reach out to other grad students in your department.  Make friends.  Go with them to coffee shops.  I wouldn’t recommend starting out by going to bars, bc that can be a slippery slope, and you shouldn’t have friends who only have fun while they’re drinking (that’s not a healthy behavior).   My grad school has a really nasty drinking culture that contributed to my avoidance of other grad students, but hopefully yours doesn’t.  And even if it does, you should be able to find someone who won’t want to always go to the bar.

Fourth, be confident.  I said that before, but like the “don’t isolate” thing, it’s important.  I’ve always been a confident person.  I took a huge blow to my confidence when I started grad school, bc I felt like I was surrounded by people with more experience (which is an objective fact, but doesn’t always have to be a bad thing) and more knowledge and more accomplishments and who had their lives together.  I was intimidated, for one of the first times in my life!  I’ve always been a top-tier person, cream of the crop, A+ honors student, go-getter, award-winner.  But in grad school, literally everyone else is that, too.  And that’s not a bad thing!  Sure, some people might be braggy, but other people will be more humble.  Having all this experience in one location is good, bc it means you have more help.  You have people you can talk to who have connections, who have run into problems you might run into, who can offer a unique perspective on things.  That is SO GOOD.  And if you’re still intimidated, think of it like this: You got there, too.  You’re just as good as the other grad students, otherwise you wouldn’t be there.  You have just as much potential, even if you don’t have as much life experience.  You have something unique to offer to the school.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been accepted.  And it’s not like everyone else actually has it together.  Some people might, but most of the other students will be as lost and nervous as you (esp other first year students).

Fifth, toot your own horn.  It’s related to being confident, but not quite the same.  Talk about your accomplishments.  Tell people what you’ve done.  Try not to come off too braggy, but don’t hide your light under a bushel.  You have to promote yourself if you want to get anywhere.  You’ve already succeeded at it once, since you got into grad school.  Keep it up!  Oh, and don’t be afraid to toot your own horn when someone else is making you feel intimidated.  I was at a thing where one guy kept going on and on about how he’d been to this country, and that country, and tried this wine and that food and yadda yadda yadda.  I got sick of it, so I cocked my head and stopped him in his tracks by asking him if he’d ever been to Kosovo.  He hadn’t.  He’d been to a million places, but there was one that I had him beaten on.  That was a huge confidence booster.  You have your unique experiences.  Share them.  And don’t be afraid to use them to stop a braggart from controlling a conversation.

Sixth, stay healthy.  Mentally and physically.  Walk most places (that’s how I get my exercise), bike, do yoga, jog, whatever.  Get some exercise.  Eat well.  Make your own meals, keep track of whether you’ve had a vegetable today.  See a counselor, vent to friends, write in a journal.  Most schools offer wellness workshops where students can learn how to keep themselves healthy.  Look into that, particularly if you struggle to eat well or keep stress down.

Seventh, take a short break if you need to.  Grad school culture is intense.  People work way too long for way too little recognition.  Stress kills.  Burn out can make you question your path.  Say no to a third side project your advisor wants you to do.  Take a day off, or an afternoon.  Take a long weekend.  Make sure that things won’t fall apart while you’re gone (in my case, I would get lab work done the day before), let your advisor know you won’t be coming in today for health reasons (you can keep it vague), and then spend your day doing anything but work on your thesis.  Don’t give in to stress and burn out.  It will wreck you.

Eighth, enjoy yourself!  Grad school can be hell, but it can also be fun!  You’re here to learn and gain experience and, hopefully, not hate every second of it.  My own grad school experience has been roughly 92% hell and 8% fun, but I wasn’t prepared when I came.  I did the opposite of hit the ground running.  I tripped and skinned my knees and my face and I’m still trying to catch up with everyone else.  Being prepared, reaching out to people who can help you adjust, those things will ensure your grad school experience goes more smoothly than mine.  Just don’t expect everything to go perfectly right off the bat.  It’ll take some time before you feel like you truly can enjoy yourself.

…That ended on a weird note, but I hope it was helpful.

You’ve got this!  Best of luck!

#whew that turned out long but I knew it was going to be long #again I hope this was helpful #grad school #rant #ask #beatrice-babe

[pomegranate-belle]

I'm having like massive fucking difficulties picking a mere 500 words from MK1-END, so I kinda want to just give you the entire section beginning 'The elevator is locked, and there’s no way out. They’re all going to die.' and ending 'What’s happening around her, around them, fades away, but she can feel soothing heat and sadness and an ache in their chest,' and let you decide how much from that you want to do, and how.

Oh boy, I have a feeling this is gonna get long but… Oh welllmao

Ok, so… This first part is sort of the first time we’reseeing into the main ZTD cast – like, before that there’s sections that shiftaway from Kyle and Maria, but they’re short and they’re still tangential to thejourney those two are taking. But it’s way, way more exciting to have Kyle-Mariashow up from a different point of view than theirs. Also I might have some CSexperience but I know -5 about hacking, I am admitting that now, that wasdefinitely part of the reason the narrative shifted away from them at thatspecific moment lol

After that, it kind of devolves into Delta, and Delta’sthought process. I’m gonna be honest with you I wasn’t really… Convinced bywhat he says in ZTD and I think that ended up reflecting here. I think I kepthis arguments relatively in line with the ones he makes in the game, but I hadthe others, Maria especially, cut in with my objections to his logic. The wholestory is about Kyle and Maria working together, sharing their strength back andforth to save their families, but when they argue against Delta in unison, thatwas the one thing I really wanted them to connect on. The idea that they’d hadtheir worlds manipulated by him and that instead of just acquiescing they wererejecting his right to do that.  

It’s sort of the climax of the story, I think. In the sensethat it’s a culmination of their shared strength and their determination tochange the timeline they’ve been put into. But the part immediately after:

“You’re lying,”Maria realizes slowly.

Her lips are numb,and she doesn’t quite know the meaning of what she’s seen, but it’s there.Something, huge, something he’s not telling them. She thinks it must be aboutLeft, but she’s never been able to learn enough about him or about Free theSoul to be able to determine now what Delta’s motives truly are.

That was actually one of the first parts of the story Iwrote. And it really reflected my own views when I reached the ZTD True End forthe first time. We never got the backstory about FtS that we were promised, soeven though I was absolutely certain Delta was lying to us, there wasn’t enoughcontext to figure out why or about what.

And then we return to the gun. It’s er… Well, I guess wecould call it Chekov’s Gun, couldn’t we… I tried not to draw direct attentionto it, but the question of ‘where’s the gun, who’s holding it, where is itpointed’ was on my mind the entire scene inside the Test Facility. Which ofcourse leads to the gun ending up in Diana’s hands. Sort of a mirror to themoment in the game where we put her in a similar situation as Delta does here.I always knew I wanted it to be her. Eric is the gun-happy nutbar, but Dianaand Delta’s relationship is too interesting not to try and play with like that.

Maria jumping into Delta’s body was also something I wantedto explore kind of from the beginning. Just because we the player (or in thecase of this fic’s canon, Maria herself) were inside Delta’s PoV the wholetime. The thought of going back to it knowingly, even though she didn’t wantto, was interesting. And the truth is that the part about him not letting go ofher… My brain was absolutely 100% on that scene near the end of Anastasia lmaosorry Delta you are Rasputin now.

And then, after all the drama, I had to insert a littlelevity. Thus the “oh no she’s hot” exchange, which was an enormous amount offun to write. And it was a good transition into the Phi/Maria from the prompts.They (obviously) don’t interact in canon, so it was tough to try and find adynamic for them and a way to parse the attraction so that it wouldn’t read astoo sudden and unrealistic. With ? being Maria, I had a lot more leeway withthat, since she ended up getting to know everyone from VLR really well bydefault. But I mean, being the big fucking romance dork I am, I had to do the Lady-and-the-Tramp-esquebit where they touch hands.

I added in my own little headcanon about ZTD Dr. Klim – I’msure if you look at my old ZE posts it’s there somewhere – being the youngSigma from VLR. I was very proud of that bit because time loops always N

I couldn’t resist Carlos scolding Maria for the cuss words,probably because that stupid “Language!!” gag from AoU was on my brain. I alsocouldn’t resist namedropping Dio because I just gd love that garbage clone.What a fucking tool.

The exchange afterwards between Dr. Klim and Diana was atough one. Not in the sense that it was difficult to imagine the exchange, butin that I wasn’t really sure how to resolve it. Of course Dr. Klim was havingthe same problem, so maybe that’s why it worked out in the end. I think Idefinitely drew on a lot of Doctor Who related angst for that exchange.Everything from the Journey’s End exchange to that phone call in Deep Breath.The idea that the version of the person that you love is gone and a strangerthat is also paradoxically him is taking his place is one that’s pretty uniquebut it fits in ZE and in Doctor Who, thanks to the power of time travel.

This part here:

He takes a moment,breathes. Flexes the fingers that are and are not his own. The way he looksdown, aside, is one Maria knows intimately because Kyle recognizes it as hisown – a nervous tic to hide his fear of rejection.

Is one I added one one of my later passes, I think. But I’mreally proud of it. There are definitely ways in which Kyle and Sigma aresimilar and I think that this sort of emotional fragility is one of them. Ireally liked the thought of expressing that similarity through a gestureinstead of words.

Originally, I wasn’t going to have Kyle express a desire toleave so soon. But after the scene between Dr. Klim and Diana, this sort ofsinking feeling hit me. Or Kyle? Both of us I guess. Because it’s true he doesn’treally belong in 2028. He could, maybe, eventually… But then it hit me that hestill had unfinished business in 2074. And maybe that was always in the back ofmy head, that need for a resolution with Luna, just because she’s so near anddear to my heart. And the reason that Kyle begins to see her differently isbecause he sees her through Maria’s eyes, so in that way she’s helping him onelast time.

Their exchange about meeting again, I’m sure I’ve admittedto this before somewhere, is absolutely based on the “End: Lost in the Waves” FEFates DLC. That, in addition to the epilogue, was added on my second or thirdpass through the fic. Originally it ended with Phi and Maria holding hands, butI wanted to see Kyle again, so changes were made.

In the same way that I wanted to hint to a Kyle-Lunaresolution, I knew I had to start mending the ties between Sigma and Kyle,which is what his exchange is all about. I can’t remember who it was that madethat comic about Sigma getting attached to his clones but they kept dying andeventually he cut himself off from them but I think that played a lot into howI conceptualized their relationship. Now that their mission is done, there’snothing holding them back, there’s no longer a wall between them. And Kyle wasnever sure if that was really the problem, or if Sigma just truly didn’t care,so that reassurance is really important to him.

And of course I couldn’t have Kyle leave without talking toDiana. But in addition to having no idea what they would say to one another, Ialso wanted to expand a little bubble of privacy to them. Playing with the waythe body-sharing works was part of it too, because I think up until that pointthe only one who’d leaned back out of control far enough to mute the outside worldwas Kyle. I wanted to see it from Maria’s perspective too, and emphasize thatat their core – emotionally – they’re still connected no matter how far theylean apart.

I guess that’s all of it lmao wow.. I hope that didn’t soundtoo pretentious, I’m sure I got a little long-winded but look….. I revised thatfic like ten times before I posted it and it’s really one of my most polishedworks and I am So Damn Proud of it!

#long post #zero escape #writing #chessanator

[sushigirlali]

Admiration - Part II (Reylo Fanfic)

Part I | Part II | Part III

Summary: Padawan Ben Solo struggles to repel Snoke’s odious influence while coming to terms with his feelings for fellow student Rey of Jakku.

Parings: Rey + Ben Solo

Continuity: Jedi Academy AU; Rey is 19, Ben is 23.

Rating: E

Master list –> AO3 | ff.net | Tumblr 

——————

Admiration - Part II

By: sushigirlali

——————

You're an unfenced fire! (to vie) Over walls we trampled! (to vie) It's you I admire! (to vie) My living example…

——————

Despite his proclamation, Ben felt bereft as Rey loosened her grip. "Ben, please," she said imploringly, moving to sit beside him instead. "You can't really believe that."

"It's true," he murmured, mourning the loss of her warmth regardless of the sweat running down his back. "The legacy of my family is... well…surely you must know who my grandfather was... what he became."

"I know Anakin Skywalker died a hero," she said firmly.

Ben frowned, "Don't be facetious, Rey."

"I'm not," she promised. "I just think that if you're going to focus on your grandfather's failings, you should give his triumphs equal weight."

"I'm not ignoring Anakin's good deeds," he protested, "only emphasizing Darth Vader's penchant for evil." Ben folded his hands in his lap, trying not to fidget; the topic of his family always made him anxious. "I know I'm not my grandfather, that the circumstances leading to his downfall were unique to him, but I'm afraid the same darkness resides in me."

"Oh, Ben," she sighed sympathetically. "I understand."

"Thank you," he muttered, supposing he should feel grateful that Rey finally seemed to get the picture. But he didn't. He only felt empty. "I am sorry," he added, turning to face her. "I'm sorry that I can't be the man you—mmph!"

Rey stopped him with a kiss. "Not so fast, laser brain. Just because I understand where you're coming from doesn't mean I agree with you."

"But—"

"No!" she whispered, kissing him harder. Her lips were soft but firm and felt so good against his own. Ben swayed toward her. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing!"

"But, my family..."

"Ben, you are not your bloodline!" she said adamantly. "I won't say that I've never sensed darkness in you, that you're completely immune to Snoke's influence, but you're stronger than you know."

"I am?" He had said something similar to her many years ago. Ben was touched that she remembered.

She nodded, tracing his trembling lower lip with her thumb. "The dark side can't have you, Snoke can't have you. You're mine and I'll die before I let anyone take you away from me."

"Rey," he breathed, shocked by her declaration. "You don't have to—to sacrifice yourself for—"

"Sacrifice?" she repeated incredulously, rearing back as if he'd slapped her. "Is that what you think this is?"

"Isn't it?" He couldn't fathom anyone loving him enough to die for him. But then, wouldn't he do the same for her?

"No!" she cried. "Ben, haven't you been paying attention? The last thing I feel for you is pity."

"Then why...?"

"Because I'm in love with you!" she exploded, using all her considerable strength to push him backward onto the bed.

Ben lay prone as she straddled his hips, trapping his big body beneath her own. "But I can't...we can't...it's just not possible!" he protested weakly. He tried to ignore how perfectly her limbs fit around him, the way her bottom brushed his burgeoning erection at just the right angle, but… how could anything that felt so right be wrong?

"Anything is possible, Ben. Listen to me...feel me…" Rey blanketed him, cradling his head against her chest. "I know you're scared, but what Force-sensitive isn't? We all struggle with the dark side."

"Even you?" he asked, captivated by the sound of her heartbeat under his ear. It was wild, but strong. Just like her.

"Of course," she replied, pulling back to look at him. "But do you want to know why I've never succumbed to it?"

"Yes," he croaked. "Tell me, I need to know. Please."

"Because of you."

"Me?"

"Yes," she smiled, her heart in her eyes. "Haven't you ever wondered why the Force connected us? Why we're able to feel each other's emotions and communicate across great distances?"

"Every minute of every day," he said honestly. "But it's just a fluke, it has to be."

"If you really believe that, then tell me this: when you're thinking about me, about us, is Snoke able to get to you?"

"Well, I…" Ben paused, recalling how he'd reacted to the vile wizard's threats just a short while ago. He'd felt anger, yes, but the moment Rey had entered the room, all of his dark thoughts had disappeared. "Our connection…"

"Yes?" she said hopefully.

"It protects me from him, from the dark side," he said slowly. "Why is that?"

"Because love is the strongest force in the galaxy," Rey informed him, the ardent crush of her arms acting as an anchor in a sea of uncertainty, tethering him to the moment and helping him forget his fear. "Love is what makes us who we are."

"And who am I?" he asked with quiet desperation.

"The man I love," she said matter-of-factly. "I want you, exactly as you are, don't you want me too?"

"Rey," he groaned, cupping her precious face. "Of course I want you," he confessed at last, "but the Jedi Order forbids—"

"I don't care about the Order! I only care about you!" Rey lowered her voice into a seductive drawl. "Kiss me, love me," she dared. "Please."

Unable to deny her any longer, Ben pulled her head forward, fusing their mouths together in a kiss that defied description. "I do. I do love you," he panted. "I always have. No matter what happens, I want you to know that."

"I do," she repeated, rocking her hips against his. "Ben! Ben, I want—"

"Rey!" he gasped, hands finding her waist. "I'm—I've never—"

"I know."

"I'm all sweaty," he said dumbly.

Rey wrinkled her nose in amusement. "I don't mind, I like the way you taste," she said, leaning down to lick his cheek for emphasis. "Mmm, Ben Solo," she teased. "I wonder if you taste the same all over?"

Ben caught his breath as she moved lower, lips skimming his broad chest. He groaned her name when she took one beaded nipple into her mouth and tweaked the other with her fingers. "Rey, please!"

"Do you like that?"

"Yes!" he said huskily.

"Do you want more?"

"Yes!"

"Are you sure?" she murmured against his skin.

"Rey!" he whined, bringing her hands to the tie at his waist. "Help me!"

She scooted back to undo his pants, but hesitated before pulling them off. "Once we begin, I don't know if I'll be able to stop," she said seriously. "I've waited a long time to be with you, so if you're not ready tell me now. I won't be offended if you—"

"No!" Ben all but shouted. Although he was inexperienced, he wanted this; wanted her. "Sorry, uh, no. It's okay. You can...keep going."

Rey smiled again and it was like the sun coming out after a storm. "If you insist."

——————

It's a photograph discovered a decade after It's a cannon blast disguised as a firecracker It's enough to bring a brick wall to its knees And sing, please

——————

Chuckling at her playful tone, Ben lifted his hips to help her ease his clothing away, only remembering that he wasn't wearing anything underneath when she gasped and paused to stare at him.

"Sorry, I was—hot," he explained lamely, flushing as she inspected his body.

"No, it's fine! I just—wow!" Rey bit her lip. "You're beautiful, Ben."

He wasn't a vain man, in fact he was pretty self-conscious about his looks, but the way Rey was looking at him gave him confidence. "Thanks," he said thickly, taking the compliment as best he could. "You're, um, the first person to see me naked since I was a kid."

"I'm glad," she replied coyly, slipping off the bed to tug his pants the rest of the way down his long legs, "because I don't share."

"That's good to know," he mumbled, feeling out of his depth. "That's good to know?! I should have asked Father to teach me how to flirt before leaving home."

"Ben, you don't have to be so nervous," she said, sensing his disquiet. "You're doing just fine."

"I am?" A world of insecurity colored his words.

Rey's eyes traced a line from his face to his groin. "Oh, yeah." Stepping back a little, she pulled her practical beige robes over her head and tossed them aside. "Is that better?"

"Better?" he said dumbly, staring at a nearly naked woman—his woman—for the first time in his life. "Uh—yes! But...what about the rest? Can I…?"

Rey nodded, sinking to her knees before him. "Yes, please."

Ben immediately fumbled with the compression band wrapped around Rey's chest. "Sorry," he muttered, willing his thick fingers to work.

"You don't have to keep apologizing," she laughed, helping him untangle the fabric. "We'll figure this out together."

"Okay," he breathed, marveling at the perfect slopes of her rose-tipped breasts once they were fully revealed. It was his turn to be stunned. "Wow."

"They aren't—um—too small, are they?"

"What?" Ben lifted his head, aghast. "Of course not!"

"You're not just saying that?" Now Rey was the one who sounded anxious.

"I would never lie to you," he assured her. Sliding his long fingers into her hair, he made quick work of the pins and ties holding it back. He smiled when the soft sable stands floated like a cloud around her shoulders, enjoying the intimacy of the simple act.

"I love your hair," he murmured, touching it almost reverently. He just stared at her for a moment, trying to figure out what to do next.

"I thought we could start slow," Rey supplied, reading his indecision. "Like this," she said, leading his hand to her breast, showing him how she liked to be touched.

"Okay?" he asked, kneading her soft skin.

"Yes," she sighed, preening under his touch. "I've never done this before either and it's…"

"Kind of embarrassing?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad we're on the same page, then," he said, pinching first one nipple, then the other. "Like this?" he checked again.

"Yes!" she gasped, pressing closer. They were both covered in a thin layer of sweat, so his fingers skated easily across her skin. "Just like that!"

"What else do you want?" he breathed, eager to give her more; to give her everything.

"I want your mouth," she murmured, lacing her arms around his neck. "I want your tongue touching mine, your teeth biting into—mmph!"

Ben closed the distance between them on a groan, devouring her lips like a man on the verge of starvation. "How could I have denied our connection for so long?" he wondered. "Nothing in the galaxy is more important than this, than her. I've been such a fool."

Sharing his unguarded thoughts, Rey kissed him harder, grinding against him with wanton abandon. "Us. Nothing is more important than us," she insisted.

He groaned in agreement, sliding his damp palms down her sides to the waistband of her plain underwear. "Can I…?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Rey lay back as he pulled off her panties.

Ben stood arrested when the deed was done, transfixed by the thatch of brown curls at the apex of her thighs. The neatly trimmed hair looked soft, the petals of her sex wet. His mind raced with possibilities...

"Ben!"

"Huh?" he met Rey's intense gaze.

"I said I want you to touch me," she blushed, spreading her toned thighs.

"Oh!" he gulped, tentatively doing as she asked. "Okay, but you have to guide me."

"You're doing great all on your own," she squeaked as his large fingers gently massaged her nether lips.

It was an odd sensation, Ben reflected, fondling someone in such an intimate way. When he touched himself for relief, it was almost dispassionate, routine. But Rey was hot and wet and beautiful. He'd never experienced anything like it.

"Ben!" she whined as he pressed against her center. "Ben, wait!"

"What is it?" he said hastily, pulling back. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, no, nothing like that." Rey looked unsure for a moment before plowing ahead. "I just—I want to touch you too." And then she was reaching for him, encircling his cock with her small hands, establishing a whole new kind of connection between them.

"Rey!" he yelped, incredibly aroused as she pumped him from tip to stem. "Rey, please!"

"Please what?" she replied, her voice like honey.

"Don't make me stop!" he begged, fingers threading through her hair again. "Rey? Please let me keep touching you."

"Yes!" she acquiesced, no longer the least bit embarrassed. "Oh, Ben! Please!"

The temperature seemed to have risen another couple degrees since Rey had entered his room, but Ben scarcely noticed the heat as they collapsed onto his firm mattress together, her hand around his cock and his fingers between her legs.

Kissing her hard on the lips, Ben slowly slid one digit inside her tight opening. Rey squirmed beneath him, momentarily losing her grip on his hard member. Feeling a little more in control, Ben moved lower to feast on her distended nipples while pumping his finger in and out of her body.

"Ben! Oh—that feels!" Rey's mouth dropped open when he hit the right spot, unable to complete her sentence.

"Right there?" he growled, repeating the motion again and again.

"Mmm hmm," she hummed blissfully, trying to take him in her hand again. But this time, he danced out of her reach.

"Hey!" she complained, glaring her disapproval.

But Ben didn't relent. "Not yet, sweetheart."

"Ben—ah!" Rey arched her back as his thumb found her clitoris. "Ben, I'm—oh, yes! Yes!"

He continued sucking on her breasts while he worked his middle finger deeper. Soon, he was able to add another, stretching her untried body even further.

"Ben, that feels—please don't stop!" Rey moaned, lifting her hips in time with his rhythmic thrusting. "I'm so close!"

Abandoning her nipples, he lowered his dark head between her splayed thighs, inhaling her musky scent before replacing his fingers with his mouth.

"Maker!" Rey screamed at the first touch of his tongue.

Using his superior weight to control her wriggling body, Ben feasted on her until she was crying out in pleasure. Feeling more confident than he had in his entire life, he focused on bringing her to climax, on giving her exactly what she wanted.

Tapping into their bond, Ben allowed himself to revel in her desire for him, in her love. The way she felt about him was almost overwhelming, but he held onto sanity just long enough for…

"Ben! I love you!" Rey gasped as the galaxy exploded around her, slumping onto the bed in exquisite repose.

He gathered her to his chest in the aftermath, smiling as she tried to get as close as possible. His large hands roved over her eager curves, marveling at how perfectly they fit together. And for the first time in a very long time… he felt at peace.

——————

A/N: Thanks for reading! Hope this fic is as healing for you as it is for me <3

#reylo #reylo fanfic #reylo fic #reylo fanfiction #ben solo #kylo ren #rey #jedi academy au #reylo au #admiration #song fic #my fanfiction #sushigirlali

[spreadplaylist]

SPREAD CH.2 ARTIST SPOTLIGHT - Taylor Jamison

Hi SPREAD listeners! I hope everyone has been having a meaningful Pride month while enjoying the PRIDE playlist! The featured artist off SPREAD CH. 2 is dear friend of mine and a force to be reckoned with. Get a glimpse below of Taylor Jamison's life as an unapologetic songwriter and artist. HERE WE GO!

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Taylor: Hey hey, my name is Taylor Jamison and I’m a songwriter/singer right here in most-of-the-time-sunny Los Angeles! I’m originally from Boulder, CO, but have been living here in LA for a second now, writing for some amazing new artists, and creating some cool tunes under my name as well!

Dan: Hi Taylor! Welcome! I am so glad that u are PRIDE's featured artist. You are a songwriting beast who is constantly on the grind. I'm excited for people to hear about ur career and your thoughts about the industry, so let's get started.

Describe a typical day in the life of a songwriter. What do u enjoy the most about it?

Taylor: I’d say a typical day in the studio with me, at least, is catching up on life with whoever I’m working with, joking around, sharing funny moments of the week, usually someone has a good hook up/sex story as well. My favorite part is that, from these shared moments, a story unfolds itself. I see myself as a “Storyteller for the Ears,” so whether it’s myself singing the song or another artist, I love being able to share a moment/feeling in time through music and watching how people react to it.

Dan: I would say that u just perfectly summed up the reason songwriters do what they do! It's all about the story and the connection. In finding this connection for yourself, describe the place that makes you feel the most inspired creatively.

Taylor: I absolutely LOVE the beach because it’s so many things to me. Gentle, but powerful. Beautiful, with a dark side. Tranquil, yet full of energy. It makes me nostalgic for days passed, while making me think forward into the future. I love going out and laying by myself with a notebook, letting the sound wash over me until the words start falling out of my head onto the paper.

Dan: LA beaches are definitely hard to beat, too! I could use a beach day myself. It's a great way to reset and get those creative juices flowing. After running through all of those emotions we then get to the actual songwriting process. Now you have countless songs to ur name. Out of those, what song of yours are u most proud of? Why?

Taylor: Ooooooo, this is a hard one. I’m gonna have to have a tie on this between, “Down”, and, “The Last Time”. When putting together the production and sound scape of, “Down”, I really wanted to create a sense of longing because that’s essentially what that song is: it’s the complete taking-down of your walls for somebody because you want to fall completely into them, letting yourself be vulnerable so they know just how much you want them. For, “The Last Time”, I decided to keep that song with just piano and vocals because adding production was going to end up making it sound cheesy, and this song has such a powerful sense of nostalgia that I wanted it to almost seem completely empty, just like how you feel sometimes when you think back on someone from your past. Plus, that key change is life (have to toot my own horn on that one lolz), I want more artists to do key changes again!!!

Dan: Girl, key changes are UNDERRATED. When done just right, they can completely change a song for me. The key change in "The Last Time" makes me scream every single time. I think we could see them make a comeback.

Now, just like anyone on this journey, there are numerous high and low points. Tell us about when the music industry has maybe made you feel inadequate. How did u overcome this?

Taylor: Ummmm, the industry can make you feel inadequate on almost a daily basis if you let it, honestly. I’d be lying if I were to say that every day is a walk in the park, cause it’s not: you feel like you're constantly trying to prove to the world that you’re talented, yet it falls on deaf ears. However, I think the cure for those feelings of inadequacy is surrounding yourself with amazing people who are just as creative, driven and positive as you are, but always making sure to be humble. Nobody likes a cocky bitch, ever, lolz.

Dan: You are speaking TRUTH in this interview, girl. Surrounding yourself with positivity is almost the only way to get through those moments of feeling inadequate. And you're right, nobody enjoys being around cockiness, even though there can be a lot of that in this industry.

As you surround yourself with driven and encouraging people, I know that also includes artists u look to for inspiration. Tell us about an artist/songwriter who inspires u. What about their artistry/ability would you like to emulate in your own?

Taylor: To kick it a bit old school, I’m gonna say Elton John because I think he was so groundbreaking and just what was needed in the world to move forward progressively. He was completely unafraid to be flamboyant and unapologetically homosexual in a time that it was still not acceptable in public overall. Plus, with Bernie Taupin on the lyrics and Elton on the melodies, they made some prettyyyyyyyy amazing music that still stands the test of time, if I don’t say so myself.

Dan: Elton is a legend and an icon, especially for what he did for queer visibility in the mainstream. I had to include him as a part of the PRIDE playlist. It would have been a crime not to, honestly.

I have mentioned earlier that u are pretty much on the go all the time, whether it's working on ur own stuff or writing for other artists. In the midst of everything u have going on, how do u manage a busy schedule and stress? How do you recharge when u need to?

Taylor: I actually work WAY better on a busy schedule, so I’m a fan of back to back sessions, all week long! But, when I do need a little break, I love getting out of LA for a sec and visiting places like San Diego, Palm Springs, Santa Barbra and more. I also love having parties with my friends, dancing around, being gay, playing beer pong. Oh, and Tequila. Tequila is always an answer to stress and busy schedules (Silver Tequila only though).

Dan: I think that LA is such an encompassing city that sometimes the only solution to getting a break is getting out. I do the same thing. Also, I did not know u liked playing beer pong! I sense a duel between you and me coming soon...

Looking past u only liking silver tequila (sorry I had to throw some shade), what do u think is the biggest misconception people have about working in this industry?

Taylor: Oh lordy, probably that you can just show up in town and become a super star. Sorry to say it, but being a cocky bitch doesn’t get you very far hahah. The only way you’re becoming an overnight pop star is if mommy and daddy are loaded, or a family member is tied into a label somehow. Gotta put in the work to really earn respect from people, at least in my book.

Dan: There are many, many people that agree with u! This industry easily and quickly exposes true talent and true intention. I love how honest and open u are.

Touching on your openness, how has ur identity influenced or affected your journey as a songwriter and artist?

Taylor: I think being gay totally influences my journey as both a songwriter and as an artist because it’s not, “normal”, per say. It doesn’t fit the cookie cutter mold of what a male pop artist has been for the past 5+ decades, so it’s sometimes difficult for people to want to get behind something still so new and not fully understood. But, even though it sometimes makes the journey harder, I wouldn’t change it for the world because I feel like it brings such a unique and interesting view to songs that straight men, and even women can’t entirely relate to.

Dan: I am holding onto hope that as time continues, more queer artists will be accepted as major label and mainstream like their straight counterparts. I think that progress in this aspect will really be made by people just like u, who are unapologetically themselves. What advice would you give to up and coming LGBTQ+ songwriters and artists?

Taylor: I would emphasize not trying to hide who you are, letting it all fall out, even if it’s hard to do. We’re in a time where LGBTQ kids need role models, people that they can say they want to grow up to be like. Unlike straight men and women, LGBTQ kids have had to feel the need to hide who they are from such a young age so as to “fit in” with normal, American society; now is the time for us to live our lives to the fullest so we can keep paving the road towards the future. (I felt like a motivational speaker there on a soap box lolz.)

Dan: U are dead on. The more LGBTQ artists and musicians that are in the spotlight, the more LGBTQ kids and youth will see that it really is okay to be themselves. We have to watch out for our LGBTQ youth as much as possible because our government doesn't seem to look out for them enough...

I am sure thinking through these questions has made u, in a way, look back on your own journey as an artist and songwriter. So what would you has been the biggest highlight of your career as an artist/songwriter so far?

Taylor: I think one of the coolest moments so far was opening for Bonnie McKee at OC Pride in 2014. Even though I now look back on my outfit and shake my damn head, it was so amazing to meet her in person, definitely one of my songwriting idols!

Dan: Hahaha, that's incredible. How cool that u were able to open for her at a Pride event! She is a songwriting queen. Definitely an idol of mine, too! (For those of you that don't know Bonnie, u can thank her for hits like 'Teenage Dream,' 'California Gurls,' 'Dynamite,' and 'Hold It Against Me.')

Taylor, it's time for my signature question. What artist/album/song have u had on repeat lately?

Taylor: Ok, album for SURE would be Kehlani’s, “Sweet Savage Sexy”: that shit is AMAZING. I’m also digging The 1975, Jon Bellion, Blackbear and Julia Michaels. “Issues”-Julia Michaels, “Do-Re-Mi”-Blackbear, “Escape”-Kehlani, “Bad Liar”-Selena Gomez and “Death Wish”-Terror Jr are definitely the go-to songs on repeat currently!!!

Dan: This list is SO solid. U know Kehlani has a soft spot in my heart. I was so excited to include her on SPREAD CH.2 as well!

Now that we are sadly wrapping up this Artist Spotlight, how can we check out ur music and stay up to date with ur releases/posts? Anything we should especially be on the lookout for?

Taylor: My Insta/Twitter handle is @TaylorJamison77, and you can listen to my shit on Spotify, Apple Music, iHeart Radio and more under Taylor Jamison! Also, you can check out Matthew John’s EP, “Chain Reaction” on all streaming sites as well (I wrote the title track, “Chain Reaction”!). In the next few months I’ll be having some new music come out, as well as some more releases with other artists (follow me on Insta for the most up to date info, as I share mostly on there. Plus, my InstaStory’s are usually pretty fun, from what I’ve heard!)

Dan: I can attest that Taylor is very fun to follow on social media! Everyone PLEASE go check his pages and his music out, and then go give his song '(Never Gonna) Change For You' another listen on PRIDE! Thank u so much for being so real with us, girl. I cannot wait to see ur name in lights one day.

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Thank u for tuning into the second SPREAD Artist Spotlight! Big thanks to Taylor Jamison for serving some tea today and giving us a closer look at his career as a gay singer/songwriter.

I hope u all enjoy the last few days of PRIDE month! I can't believe it's almost over. In just a couple of days a new playlist will be gracing the SPREAD website, and this one is about to be veryyy refreshing... ;)

Cover e v e r y inch!

#interview #spread #playlist #pride #month #lgbtq #queer #community #artist #musician #songwriter #los angeles #taylor jamison #apple music #spotify #youtube #blog #new music #pop #explore #cover every inch