#i'm just [redacted] and tired

[maxpaulll]

noooo moooooore CLOWN MAKE-UP /ref

Are we tired of redacted snaps yet? Too bad./lh

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted fanart #redactedverse #redacted snap stories #redacted david #redacted shaw pack #redacted angel #I'd post something other than the snap stories but I'm in art block hell and they're pre-made #it's like a microwave dinner for art #I'm the over-tired dad who just finished his 12 hr shift and these are the hungry man meals I'm popping in the nuker

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING #IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN #HA #MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF #and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders #that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self #ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief #a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?' #tone “No!” of disbelief #and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it. #that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me #and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.” #was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf #anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally #now i see what the past several months but especially especially #the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January #were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong #...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not #a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side #and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like #i rationally say I trust them to have and do. #and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha #they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y #anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet #trauma evolution #shh katie #personal #my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic. #add to journal #abuse

[hoshigray]

I'm coming back here bc of the jjk leaks today. Yuuta nation, my son is back again FOR THE PLAN, as you can see !! All y'all who got sum smart to say about my son, talk to my nicely but have respect for my goat thank you very much 🥱🥱🥱 okay but fr tho, someone please get him outta there, I know what Gege is doing, and i am not on board in the slightest. He's setting him up, he REALLY is, so please, Yuuta, turn back, turn the fUCk BACK—

#oh lord have mercy just when that chapter was stressful enough #the last pages just had to appear and my heart has never been filled with such false hope #Gege........please I'm begging #you alr took [REDACTED] from me last chap so please #spare a mother 🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️ #𝑯𝒐𝒔𝒉𝒊 ˖⁺‧₊˚🎐˚₊‧⁺˖ 𝑫𝒊𝒂𝒓𝒚 #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk leaks #jjk 248 #jjk manga #jjk manga spoilers #we got week break after this man it's so over for me #i'm tired of it #i really am 😔😔😔

[moon-blanket]

Oh my god the next part came Super Fast let's GET IT

They way he told them to sit. Hi ! hey. Okay i'm sitting.

Damn the Bennetts tried to get other Houses to join the endeavor about CloseKnit. Good riddance then.

William didn't "banish" Porter after his scuffle with Vincent, just a convenient way of him doing his job with less suspicion ? Since he techincally wasn't "affiliated" with House Solaire anymore ?

William ordered PORTER to do it all ? Using the Summit as a way to carry out a "Favor" for another House in the Council ? Seizing the assets of the House of Bennett in the outcome ??

Holy fuck, just how powerful is Porter. That whole murder/alibi plan of his is Wild.

Okay William not wanting to wait around for another 1500 lives lost to get eyes pointed on House Bennett and get the ball rolling. That's a slay. I get it.

I'm with Vincent, What's the logic of all of this !! This "Game" is confusing !!

What is William's part in this !! What is he doing right now !!

I don't blame Vincent for "seeing in black and white" in this moment ! His world is actively crashing down around him, everyone he trusts is in on Something but Him and Lovely (maybe Sam, who knows), and it's out of NOWHERE ! If this didn't happen, who knows how long this would have been hidden from him ! He has the right to be upset about it !!

William thinks of Vincent as his actual child, loves him like a son :( enough to not want his hands dirty. Knowing that he shouldn't have turned him, his biggest regret, saying what he did to Vincent was wrong..... I actively had to pause and cry on the floor for a good five minutes.

GREAT Reminder from Porter that William isn't a Saint. He doesn't have to be ! He is still a good man, who does good things !!!!! The ways that these results are obtained is rather questionable, but what comes from it cannot be denied !!

He took Porter in and gave him a new life, showed him unending kindess. That's how you obtain allies !! Bonds that truly matter !!! All the things William feels for those in his House are genuine !!!!!!!! He cares for all of them so deeply !!!!!!!!!

The circumstances of Porter's turning is very interesting. Turned by a Mass Maker, constantly invocated and used for his powers in a way he had no say in. Running and Running until he found William, who cleaned him up and mentored him on his powers. That's very nice :(

I'm glad Porter understands that the experience he had was not universal. I'm glad he has the perspective of Vincent's, and i'm glad Vincent has the perspective of Porter's.

---

Overall, I'm very glad that the Two of them (Three, since Lovely sat in on it) had that talk. It was definitely not the most pleasant or comfortable, given the circumstances, but it was absolutely Needed.

And if anything, it's a step in the right direction for both Porter and Vincent. They learned a little bit more about (and from) each other during this whole Event. They may have wildly vast differences, jarringly so. But there is something inside of both of them that is so strikingly similar to me, even if I can't put a finger on it. I don't expect them to be Best Friends after this, but hopefully they have some level of understanding with each other after this. And maybe become the slightest bit nicer to each other, even if it takes a while.

(I see why William wanted Shaw Pack there, since they were all looking into CloseKnit. He let them see some evidence to get DUMP on the ball, as well as some actual justice for the Inversion. But geez, that could have gone bad !)

----

This was a GREAT audio. Poor Vincent and Lovely. They deserve a LONG fuckin' break after all is said and done. Please let them be happy for ONCE lmfao.

Still love you with my life Porter I'll do anything for you by the way.

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted spoilers #moon's thoughts #redacted monarchial summit #it just keeps getting more and more interesting gang I'm going to go NUTS. #it's almost midnight and i'm tired as fuck if this makes No sense i'm so sorry.

[eyewyrm]

hermit charm'ificated :]

Words! word word. Heres some photos of them in physical form!!

Hope I see you (anyone) at supanova :-)

#wHDSFJmsdcK auh #the con is situated right during all of our assignments #BUT we got to look around today whilst we set up our own stall!! everyone has such pretty set ups it was really cool #very inspiring i want to be just like them #one of them i spoke with came all the way from (redacted) and travelled here to do the con?? (< hoping to do the same one day) #hermit charms #oops i didnt mean to crowd my tags with all that but oh well #also ull notice that not ALL of the charms are photo-ficated but thats because I'm! tired! sorry wdhsngjmsg #i will take a pic of the stall though ehe #gonna be posting con details in a second!

[lukadarling]

what are some of the takes?

Oh there's several but to name a few

1. Completely misinterpreting Vincent's plot to vilify him

2. Completely misinterpreting Vincent and Sam's plots to make Alexis out to be a complex, redeemable character when in reality all we know about her is the way she's hurt other people

3. Making some listener characters extremely hyper aggressive (it's especially bad with Darlin and Angel)

4. Completely disregarding the nuance and context around Cutie and Geordi's plotline to make them out to be a cut and dry, heartless abuser

5. The Kody Apologists

And there's several more but this reply is already kinda long lol

#redacted asmr #redacted audio #ask #listen im all for media being up for interpretation but sorne people are just ignorant and wrong and I'm very tired

[silverysongs]

quite a nasty ride

The ride back from London was terrible. Arthur’s ridiculous rhyme about the weather played in a loop in her head, and not for the first time did Guenevere curse the climate in England. Rain smacked on the top of the carriage, deafening when they passed under a copse of trees, and she closed her eyes against her pounding headache. The bruise throbbing underneath her eye and across her cheekbone kept her from leaning against the carriage wall.

Across from her, Sir Lionel sat scowling at the sword in his lap. She was certain he had his own bruises; she could see a line of dried blood trailing down his cheek even though his head was bowed. He hadn’t spoken to her except to apologize, profusely, face aghast, before they had set off again rattling down the road. As irritating and unpleasant as he was, she reflected, at least he had enough integrity to be remorseful.

Finally the noise of the carriage changed from rumbling to rattling—a sure sign that they were on cobblestones and not a dirt road. She couldn’t bring herself to feel relief.

Lionel dismounted first and then helped her down, surprisingly gentle. They made their way into the castle, painfully slow it seemed, or at least painful and slow. Her head still ached, and she had a suspicion that Lionel kept her hand tucked into his arm on purpose so that she wouldn’t stumble.

“Where to, ma’am?” he asked quietly.

She sighed. “The king’s office, Lionel.” She didn’t say thank you and he didn’t bristle like she thought he might.

They passed servants and knights as they moved through the halls, who watched their battered queen with wide eyes. She forced the corners of her mouth up to try and make an appearance of serenity, but she wasn’t sure it was very convincing.

Then Lancelot rounded the corner, and she felt a stab of dread. He stopped, bowed his head to her in respect, and then took a second look with narrowed eyes. “Your majesty—” he began.

“We were accosted by bandits on the road,” Lionel interrupted. “Entirely my fault. Which is what I’m going to relay to the king.”

“Your majesty—” Lancelot repeated, looking intently at her, but she held up a hand.

“I’m fine, Sir Lancelot,” she said, summoning the scraps of her imperiousness. “No need to hover. I’m retiring to my rooms as soon as we see the king.”

She meant it as a dismissal. He pressed his lips together very tightly, face a blaze of fury, but he nodded. “Sleep well, your majesty,” he said, and turned sharply on his heel back the way he’d come.

She had known he would be angry, and she was already exhausted by it. He had hated Sir Lionel since he joined the Table, and this would only made him hate Lionel more, which would create an even larger chasm between the English knights and their single French compatriot. And besides that, he would regret his anger—she could practically see him at the Table, shrinking himself to be smaller, shifting guilty glances her way—and he would treat her as though she were made of glass for the next few days, scared of hurting her more.

Lost in her thoughts, she was almost surprised when they reached the king’s office. The door was open, and she could see him at the desk, surrounded by uneven burning tapers, gnawing on the end of a quill. What a terrible habit, she thought, but even through her fatigue the thought was fond.

He looked up when they entered, smiling. “Genny! And Sir Lionel,” he said. “I didn’t expect to see you together.”

“It’s not for a happy occasion, your majesty,” Lionel said heavily.

The smile faded from the king’s face, and he rose from the desk. “Sir Lionel,” he said, suddenly very serious, “why does my queen have a black eye?”

Lionel cleared his throat. “We were coming back from the fair and we were attacked,” he said. “There were highway robbers, waiting for some unsuspecting carriage.”

The king didn’t take his eyes off her face. “And you were unsuspecting?”

She heard the note of danger in his voice. “Arthur,” she said tiredly. “It was raining, and it was growing dark. He fought all three of them off once they were on us. Don’t judge him too harshly.”

“On the contrary, your majesty,” Lionel insisted, “I take full responsibility for whatever punishment you would give me.”

Arthur gave a long and hard look at his knight. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, only that like Lancelot, he was angry. When Arthur felt any strong emotion, he talked, and right now she could feel a tirade building. Please, she wanted to say, even though it was childish. Please don’t argue. Please don’t raise your voices. Just leave and let me go to sleep.

“I will think on it, Lionel,” he said finally. “I’m not in the best state of mind right now, and I’m afraid I’d be unjust. But I do thank you for getting the queen safely home.”

Lionel bowed his head. “Your majesty.”

Arthur watched him leave. His eyes flickered back to Guenevere’s face when the door scraped shut. “You could have been killed,” he said quietly. “They could have held you for ransom. Or taken you back to France.”

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” She was trying to be ironic but she could hear it fall flat.

His expression softened. “Let me look at you,” he said, taking her hand and guiding her to a chair. “Sit down. How did this happen?”

He was reaching a hand to her face, and she sighed. “When they jumped the carriage, one of the men slammed my head against the window,” she said. “I think they were trying to knock me out.”

He touched her chin, gently, and moved her head to the side so that he could see. Whatever he saw there, he winced at. “You’ll be a sight for a few days.”

“Do you know what you’re looking for?” she asked, scrounging up some dry wit.

“Believe it or not,” he said, peering at her hair, “when you’re fighting a war someone’s bound to fall off a horse. We all learned what to look for pretty quickly.”

His tone was light, but she bit her tongue. She didn’t want to think of the war. And horses made her think of the bandits, and she had determined not to think of them tonight, not when the memory still made her heart speed up.

He probed at her scalp and she flinched. “Sorry,” he said quickly. “You might have a headache in the morning, but you’ve got quite the goose egg, so I think you’ll be all right to sleep.”

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

His eyes showed surprise. “For what?”

“For not getting angry at Lionel,” she said. “For not starting a duel for my honor right here in this office.”

He smiled. “Believe me,” he said, rising and fetching a damp cloth, taking her face gently, rubbing the dried blood away from her face. “I’m angry, all right. In fact, I’m tempted to cancel the cattle show in London henceforth. Forever.”

“But?” she asked, then winced as he moved to her scalp. He stopped for a moment, and his hand dropped to her shoulder, steadying, almost as though he hadn’t thought about it.

“But,” he said. His eyes, so blue, and soft like water. “I was telling the truth. I didn’t think I would be fair to Lionel if I dealt him a blow here in this room.”

She had to bite the inside of her cheek very hard, to not show her disappointment on her face. “I see.”

“And,” he continued, focused again on her head, “besides all that, you looked exhausted.” His eyes darted to her face, very quickly, and then away.  

Now she was smiling, despite the stinging pain as he tried to be gentle with the cloth. “I see,” she said again in a lighter voice.

He worked silently for a few more moments, and then finally leaned away. She was sorry for the loss of him. “Well,” he said, “that’s the most of it, anyway.”

The relief must have showed on her face, because he smiled. “What a day you’ve had.”

“Wait till you hear about the cattle,” she said.

He laughed. “Come on, Genny. To bed with you. You can tell me about the cows tomorrow.”

#more camelot fic! i'm really trying my best to finish my big ones before [redacted] on sunday #this is only part 1 (I think?) so I'm not sure if I should delete this post and post the whole thing or post a new post for part 2 or just #reblog this with part 2 #sorry i don't have ao3!! i know that would probably be easier #anyway title is from the musical obv #featuring: lionel being okay for once. lancelot being righteously angry. arthur being... arthur. and genny being Very Tired. #((part 2 is some good old-fashioned hurt/comfort bbys)) #anyway there's too many adverbs in this. probably too many long sentences. trying to write like aaron sorkin but probably way too much in m #own head. forgive me. #camelot revival #camelot musical #fic #my writing

[hooved]

i need to stop thinking "i could be your bf" every time a friend wants a bf. not everyone wants me to be their bf but i wanna be everyone's bf

#i just feel dog-like love and affection for everyone around me #(even if i've gotten less confident about expressing it over the years unless i know For Absolute Sure that ppl want that) #i will love and comfort and cuddle you and take walks with you and accompany you on drives and go shopping with you #i will cook with you and sit around doing nothing with you and be silly with you and [redacted] with you and never get tired of you #i just wanna be with ppl all the time. i want a million ppl to share my abundance of love and affection with #i miss going to cons and parties and meetups all the time with irl friends who are comfortable with cuddling and kissing (and more lmao) #i need that. i'm so glad that my relationship is open now but i still need to find like. a regular thing like that again #and not just ******* ***** ** ****** *** **** *** ******* ** **** *** ***** like it's been lately. i mean that's fine. but also not enough

[tired-reader-writer]

Some people just... never learn, huh?

Direct warning about how unethical something they're very happily doing is: ohhhhh I'm on the feeeeence *keeps using and posting about it anyways*

Indirect warnings via the very unsubtle string of reblogs condemning the thing they're using: *reblogs the stuff adjacent to the topic but completely and purposefully skips over the ones I'm trying to warn them about*

A direct conversation that resulted from me getting hella frustrated about that: I'm trying to quit I swear and it's very very shitty!

After I blocked them: man I regret trying (thing) out bc they were a good friend

I go to check their blog out of curiosity on how they're doing (and whether or not I ought to unblock them): *very happily using the verily unethical thing again and posting about it again mere hours prior to me typing up this post*

Me: ...

Well, I did the right thing by blocking the shit out of them and not relenting even when they said they're quitting. My fucking god.

Anyways, death to all AI, but death to character AI especially.

#were they just fucking lying to my face #it's a betrayal it's a fucking betrayal #I'm so tired #and it's fucking OOC anyways like— what's so good about it IT'S FUCKING OOC #[REDACTED] would NOT fucking smirk would not call someone sweetie oh my fucking god #I haven't even watched [SHOW] and even *I'M* aware of that fact and even checked in w other friends who watched [SHOW] #that's a run-of-the-mill daddy thirst trap archetype character come on 😭😭😭😭😭

[lemonsharks]

Just learned that

Apparently most people...don't...have near constant tinnitus that contributes to sensory overload and makes it difficult to process things like speech

#life in the shark lane #can i just #can we just stop giving my body shit to handle? #can we? #i am so tired #all i want in the universe right now is (redacted) and I'm questioning my ability to handle it and my ability to get my shit together enoug #and i guess this means I probably should have a real counseling session or whatever #i don't know how much more I can handle 'thing I thought was a pretty normal part of my day is actually a disability' #and amongst everything I have to interact with capitalism? but capitalism seems to not want me either #life in the shark lane in the tags

[pearl-kite]

If a fancy dress-up dinner was a requirement I feel like they'd not only need to borrow nicer clothes, but they'd feel incredibly uncomfortable wearing them 'properly' for an entire evening.

Edit: Naturally in my rush to post this I forgot some details, one of which was important enough to warrant editing sooooo play spot the difference now

#kirehn draws #hope I'm not forgetting something #I'd say I'm already forgetting nails but there's only the one thumbnail so Idgaf #I wanted to draw fancy dressed up milo and it was going well until it suddenly wasn't #so we'll start with darlin #lovehate relationship with that hair #I think they need more tattoos but I WILL hate myself if I do that so we'll stick with this #idk man I just wanted to draw something and this is what happened okay #I SHOULD go to bed but I'm strangely not tired so who knows what's gonna happen #redacted asmr #redacted darlin #redactedverse #pk:adrian #anyway can't think of tags brain very dead hi #once again if you read all of my rambly af tags I love you <3<3

[soufre-de-paris]

small reorganization and edit later, and we're at 55k and 16 chapters of the [REDACTED] [UNDERUTILIZED-CANON-MECHANIC] fic and it keeps growing in my head (as fics are wont to do)

unfortunately the shortest chapter is <1k and the longest (so far) is 7k so goodbye, consistency, my old friend

i think what i'll do is write the whole ass damn thing FIRST, then put it up chapter by chapter after it's done. there's no way i can tie together all the threads necessary otherwise

#just fandom things #[REDACTED] woes #i'm too tired to write today #so it's edit city over here #am i ever not thinking about the fact that #coryphaeus means the leader of a choir? #no #no i am not #stupid [REDACTED] #stupid [REDACTED] woes

[aeide-thea]

somebody i follow for fandom reasons was talking about having bought an adult tricycle, and it got me wondering abt pros and cons and why adult tricycles aren't more of a Thing, so i did some reading and got halfway thru a very talky post laying them out and then abruptly realized: none of u care, lol. like dgmw i'm sure a number of u would very nicely click the lil heart like the collection of good eggs u are but like. what would i be achieving by writing that up. this is not a bicycle interest community.

(short version is that a bicycle behaves more like it's part of yr body in a variety of ways, and so as long as yr body works well—big 'if' obviously!—that often makes for a smoother and more intuitive ride: balance around corners is the really big thing here, but also tricycles apparently require you to (1) compensate for road camber with yr steering; (2) keep three different wheel trajectories clear of surface hazards instead of just one; and (3) remember that the vehicle you're maneuvering is wider than your body and requires more clearance. that said, if you have trouble balancing on two wheels, and/or srs bzns Cargo to carry, then a trike may be the bike for you!)

(ok obviously i lied abt not making that post but i guess i really wanted to make it so. there u are. click the lil heart like a good 🥚.)

#a trike is definitely not the bike for me bc i would not do a good job of keeping track of my back wheels #also i'm imagining trying to get around on one in NYC and like. no thank u lol #but probably in a chill wide country setting you could do a full grocery run on a trike instead of just a couple bags max #on the other hand frequent small grocery trips are my jam bc i hate preplanning #so like. Depends on Yr Parameters and Objectives as with. most things really #ok also if we're being VERY honest a tricycle would not be gender-affirming 4 me personally #like. my gender associations around bicycles are FULLY redacted here bc they are NOT revolutionary in the slightest #and none of u need that shit #but. 4 me personally... i want a sporty boy bike. even when i wore dresses ever i wanted a sporty boy bike. it's dumb but there you have it. #(briefly i had my ideal bike which was obnoxious acid green and then it got stolen from outside sloan kettering) #(which like. truly a bad day. yr mother is dying AND yr bike gets stolen. one problem clearly bigger than the other but neither one fun!) #(the one i have now is‚ like‚ sparkly unicorn white bc that's the color that was on sale but what can you do) #(i was half-tempted to get myself a new fancy one as a gradumatation present—which i still haven't done anything to recognize‚ lol— #but i really haven't had this one long enough for that to be reasonable. it's fine i'm just like. living a very vanyel life lmao) #in conclusion writing all this has made me realize i GOTTA bicycle more. i've atrophied into SUCH a limp noodle and i miss it awfully #it's just like. i'm always tired. :( #right ok this uh. this sure has been a post. thx for spending this time with me!

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Tomorrow: LAST DAY OF WORK!!! I'm doing max 2h30 of sorting papers and then I'm DONE!!!

#@pigeon ivory redacted if you see this it means i'm going to have the energy to work on the venom reclist #I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU!! i was just so very tired for some reason #i mean sorting papers at a desk is really really not hard or taxing but i was still tired the whole day for a few weeks there #but now that i don't have anything to do in the afternoon i can rest and do fun stuff #finding a flat for next year comes first but like on the hobby list the venom reclist comes first i promise #i just have to do some vetting for the fics so it's longer #but it's happening. it's happening #maybe by late august i'll have done the snarry one too :') one can dream #that thing's been in the works for at least a year if not more #wow i have a ramble tag now

[musical-chick-13]

I’m...every day. Every. Single. Day. I get closer to making that video essay that will get me sniped.

#the essay in question is. of course. 'the ending to [redacted] really uh. wasn't actually that bad. if was perfectly serviceable actually' #ugh I need to find that thing I wrote on how [fan favorite character] is also a deconstruction of 'the chosen one' and that's always been #the point. and like. WERE there characters who I think had shitty endings that should have been different? yeah! #my son with ptsd who genuinely redeemed himself should have survived. the way a certain red-wearing fire priestess's death was handled #was um...really weird and rushed. there ARE complaints I feel like you can make. but they sure aren't the ones that the fandom at large #wants to complain about. my god I'm so tired. #and STILL. even taking my complaints into account. once again. the ending was fine. I sincerely and genuinely believe that. #ugh maybe I WILL make the video essay and just risk death I have a lot to say and I'm getting REALLY annoyed with people trying to #downplay all the cool things this show did and having a superiority complex over it (and indirectly calling remaining fans stupid) #ANYWAY -_- #salty mc13 is salty

[rahleeyah]

Me two weeks ago: yeah I'll go to the team only Christmas party at lady attorney's house, the first of three office Christmas parties I need to attend, that's...fine

Me tonight, the night of the party: I don't know who that girl was but she does not speak for me she's a liar

#yes i like these people it will be perfectly fine it's just #I'm tired and cranky and i just wanna get [redacted] but i have to do this first ☹️