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#ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief
goldkirk
·
2 months
Text
I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!
#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING
#IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN
#HA
#MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF
#and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders
#that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self
#ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief
#a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?'
#tone “No!” of disbelief
#and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it.
#that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me
#and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.”
#was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf
#anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally
#now i see what the past several months but especially especially
#the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January
#were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong
#...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not
#a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side
#and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like
#i rationally say I trust them to have and do.
#and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha
#they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y
#anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet
#trauma evolution
#shh katie
#personal
#my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic.
#add to journal
#abuse
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